All language subtitles for Kidding - 01x04 - Bye, Mom!.aAF.English.HI.C.orig.Addic7ed.com

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:04,650 --> 00:00:06,690 [MAN WITH GOOFY VOICE] Previously on Kidding... 2 00:00:06,710 --> 00:00:08,350 [JEFF] Go, go, go! 3 00:00:08,370 --> 00:00:10,730 I found out what the P in "P-Hound" stands for. 4 00:00:10,750 --> 00:00:12,230 Now every time I see the letter P, 5 00:00:12,250 --> 00:00:13,326 I think of the word "pussy." 6 00:00:13,350 --> 00:00:15,070 We are losing control of him. 7 00:00:15,230 --> 00:00:17,740 We need versions of him we can control. 8 00:00:18,860 --> 00:00:21,730 [SEB] This is the drawer of letters from women. 9 00:00:21,820 --> 00:00:22,910 This one's from Akron. 10 00:00:22,920 --> 00:00:24,680 You know, it's only two hours away. 11 00:00:24,700 --> 00:00:27,120 Give her a call. Buy her some cheesecake. 12 00:00:27,920 --> 00:00:28,960 Married. 13 00:00:29,000 --> 00:00:31,820 In six weeks, I'm gonna be dead. 14 00:00:31,900 --> 00:00:34,240 [GASPING] Aah! 15 00:00:37,470 --> 00:00:40,040 [SPEAKING SPANISH] _ 16 00:00:40,080 --> 00:00:41,770 _ 17 00:00:41,780 --> 00:00:43,440 [SPEAKING SPANISH] _ 18 00:00:43,800 --> 00:00:45,440 _ 19 00:00:46,270 --> 00:00:47,780 _ 20 00:00:48,730 --> 00:00:51,470 _ 21 00:00:51,490 --> 00:00:53,580 _ 22 00:00:54,070 --> 00:00:56,400 _ 23 00:00:57,200 --> 00:01:00,920 _ 24 00:01:01,910 --> 00:01:03,820 _ 25 00:01:04,120 --> 00:01:06,980 _ 26 00:01:07,000 --> 00:01:09,980 _ 27 00:01:10,030 --> 00:01:12,900 [BRIGHT SYNTH MUSIC] 28 00:01:12,980 --> 00:01:15,650 ♪ ♪ 29 00:01:15,730 --> 00:01:17,320 This job is hard. 30 00:01:17,400 --> 00:01:19,080 This job's the easiest shit I've done 31 00:01:19,110 --> 00:01:20,300 my whole fucking life. 32 00:01:20,340 --> 00:01:22,230 No, pickles make me sad now. 33 00:01:22,320 --> 00:01:24,740 I see pickles, I see that dead Pickle boy 34 00:01:24,780 --> 00:01:25,780 on the road. 35 00:01:25,800 --> 00:01:27,530 I see his family suffering. 36 00:01:27,610 --> 00:01:29,620 I see pickles, I see tears. 37 00:01:29,780 --> 00:01:31,230 [SCOFFS] 38 00:01:31,320 --> 00:01:32,820 Why you fucking do that? 39 00:01:32,900 --> 00:01:34,610 Now I see it, too. 40 00:01:34,690 --> 00:01:35,880 Fuck, Sheila. 41 00:01:35,920 --> 00:01:37,530 Ruining pickles and shit. 42 00:01:37,610 --> 00:01:39,300 Fuck you, Sheila. 43 00:01:39,340 --> 00:01:44,360 ♪ ♪ 44 00:01:50,150 --> 00:01:52,540 Murderer! 45 00:01:52,860 --> 00:02:00,140 ♪ ♪ 46 00:02:08,940 --> 00:02:13,940 - Synced & corrected by MementMori - -- www.addic7ed.com -- 47 00:02:30,120 --> 00:02:32,180 Thank you for a lovely evening. 48 00:02:34,650 --> 00:02:36,480 [CAR DOOR CLOSES] 49 00:02:41,320 --> 00:02:43,820 [QUIRKY MUSIC] 50 00:02:43,900 --> 00:02:49,890 ♪ ♪ 51 00:02:49,900 --> 00:02:52,660 _ 52 00:02:56,340 --> 00:02:58,060 Why do you feel guilty? 53 00:02:58,100 --> 00:02:59,140 [JEFF] I like you. 54 00:02:59,200 --> 00:03:00,480 I like Vivian. 55 00:03:00,570 --> 00:03:02,900 I don't like having feelings for two people. 56 00:03:03,180 --> 00:03:04,890 - It's selfish. - Don't feel bad. 57 00:03:04,980 --> 00:03:07,310 I don't feel bad. I feel incredible. 58 00:03:07,390 --> 00:03:09,350 I feel like I've discovered the South Pole. 59 00:03:09,430 --> 00:03:11,310 I don't want you to feel bad. 60 00:03:11,390 --> 00:03:13,160 I don't want to hurt you. 61 00:03:13,580 --> 00:03:16,140 You're never gonna not be important to me. 62 00:03:16,220 --> 00:03:18,820 You're never gonna not be important to me. 63 00:03:19,100 --> 00:03:22,140 Well, I think it's great, too. 64 00:03:22,420 --> 00:03:24,520 Just the other night, I was thinking to myself, 65 00:03:24,580 --> 00:03:26,980 "Are there any ladies that I know 66 00:03:27,060 --> 00:03:29,520 who would be a good match for Jeff?" 67 00:03:29,600 --> 00:03:32,000 And... literally nobody came to mind. 68 00:03:32,060 --> 00:03:33,500 Thanks, Giant P. 69 00:03:33,540 --> 00:03:34,960 - I thought it was Big P. - Was it? 70 00:03:35,000 --> 00:03:36,780 I'm not hurt. I'm not upset. 71 00:03:36,800 --> 00:03:38,600 I'm offering you many... 72 00:03:38,620 --> 00:03:41,350 blessings and much good luck here 73 00:03:41,430 --> 00:03:42,920 on your new relationship. 74 00:03:42,960 --> 00:03:44,730 Don't worry. It's just temporary. 75 00:03:44,810 --> 00:03:46,640 It doesn't have to be temporary. 76 00:03:47,100 --> 00:03:48,560 It does. 77 00:03:48,640 --> 00:03:50,000 [WALTZ MUSIC] 78 00:03:50,080 --> 00:03:52,310 What does that mean? 79 00:03:52,390 --> 00:03:53,770 [DOOR CLOSES] 80 00:03:53,850 --> 00:03:56,020 [CELL PHONE BEEPING] 81 00:03:56,100 --> 00:04:00,500 ♪ ♪ 82 00:04:00,520 --> 00:04:03,580 _ 83 00:04:03,600 --> 00:04:06,520 [WOMAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY OVER PA] 84 00:04:11,180 --> 00:04:13,270 Hello? Rex? 85 00:04:13,280 --> 00:04:15,930 I have a piano question. 86 00:04:16,020 --> 00:04:20,310 ♪ ♪ 87 00:04:20,390 --> 00:04:22,560 I see your car! 88 00:04:22,640 --> 00:04:25,640 ♪ ♪ 89 00:04:25,660 --> 00:04:27,356 Are you gonna put it under your pillow this time 90 00:04:27,380 --> 00:04:28,900 or hide it from the Tooth Fairy? 91 00:04:28,930 --> 00:04:30,650 - I don't hide them. - [DOOR OPENS] 92 00:04:30,680 --> 00:04:32,180 I lose them sometimes. 93 00:04:32,240 --> 00:04:34,390 - Uh-huh. - [DOOR CLOSES] 94 00:04:34,470 --> 00:04:36,310 Hey, Dad. 95 00:04:36,390 --> 00:04:38,600 I lost my tooth in my breakfast panini. 96 00:04:39,140 --> 00:04:42,060 I'm not going to work today. I have the flu. 97 00:04:42,120 --> 00:04:44,260 - [SCOTT] It really sucks. - Where does it hurt? 98 00:04:44,300 --> 00:04:46,600 Ugh, all over my body. I-I need to go to bed. 99 00:04:46,620 --> 00:04:48,020 I need fluids. 100 00:04:48,060 --> 00:04:51,680 I can't go to work today or tomorrow, maybe ever. 101 00:04:51,770 --> 00:04:54,600 I do not want to be a corporate travel agent. 102 00:04:54,610 --> 00:04:56,350 Why am I a corporate travel agent? 103 00:04:56,430 --> 00:04:57,580 Are you crying? 104 00:04:57,740 --> 00:04:59,380 It's the flu. 105 00:04:59,440 --> 00:05:01,020 I'll make soup. 106 00:05:01,230 --> 00:05:04,100 Actually, people are saying yogurt is the new soup. 107 00:05:04,600 --> 00:05:07,600 ♪ I'll put up no resistance ♪ 108 00:05:07,680 --> 00:05:10,600 ♪ I wanna stay the distance ♪ 109 00:05:10,660 --> 00:05:13,890 ♪ I've got an itch to scratch ♪ 110 00:05:13,980 --> 00:05:16,680 ♪ I need assistance ♪ 111 00:05:16,770 --> 00:05:18,680 ♪ Touch-a ♪ 112 00:05:21,040 --> 00:05:23,640 I'm waiting for a text message. 113 00:05:23,840 --> 00:05:25,740 Mm. 114 00:05:26,320 --> 00:05:29,400 [JEFF] ♪ I wanna be dirty ♪ 115 00:05:29,480 --> 00:05:31,680 How much longer do you think we have? 116 00:05:31,770 --> 00:05:34,230 - As a species? - Mm... 117 00:05:34,310 --> 00:05:35,890 until the roof caves in. 118 00:05:35,980 --> 00:05:38,660 - [GROANS SOFTLY] - Till there's no this anymore. 119 00:05:38,760 --> 00:05:41,560 Until Jeff can't function as host or human. 120 00:05:41,640 --> 00:05:42,920 It all depends on him. 121 00:05:42,960 --> 00:05:45,000 Could be weeks. Could be months. 122 00:05:45,040 --> 00:05:47,440 I can't predict the future, and I'm not good 123 00:05:47,470 --> 00:05:49,180 at guessing weight from a distance, 124 00:05:49,270 --> 00:05:51,140 but if you get close to him, 125 00:05:51,230 --> 00:05:54,160 you can hear the air hissing out of the balloon. 126 00:05:54,180 --> 00:05:55,400 And what do I do, then? 127 00:05:55,440 --> 00:05:58,930 You're gonna be home alone all day 128 00:05:59,020 --> 00:06:00,930 with your family... 129 00:06:01,020 --> 00:06:04,160 that screaming banshee child... 130 00:06:04,180 --> 00:06:05,640 and let's face it, 131 00:06:05,730 --> 00:06:08,100 that marriage that has always had one foot 132 00:06:08,140 --> 00:06:09,840 on a pile of red ants. 133 00:06:09,880 --> 00:06:13,280 Fuck you, red ants! Scott's the love of my life. 134 00:06:13,300 --> 00:06:16,470 And Maddy... she lost a tooth this morning, 135 00:06:16,500 --> 00:06:18,060 and I was like, "Put it under your pillow." 136 00:06:18,070 --> 00:06:20,290 And I cannot wait to get home later 137 00:06:20,310 --> 00:06:23,120 and find her tooth under her pillow. 138 00:06:23,160 --> 00:06:26,020 Everybody wants to feel like they're a good parent. 139 00:06:26,380 --> 00:06:28,270 Nobody wants to act like one. 140 00:06:28,350 --> 00:06:29,730 Do me a favor 141 00:06:29,810 --> 00:06:32,330 and picture your brother as a mascot 142 00:06:32,350 --> 00:06:35,310 to your favorite Chinese softball team, huh? 143 00:06:35,390 --> 00:06:38,100 Would he look like this? 144 00:06:41,600 --> 00:06:44,390 That's traumatizing. 145 00:06:44,470 --> 00:06:46,380 - He has a dick nose. - Yeah. 146 00:06:46,420 --> 00:06:48,110 It's Jeff's head for the Ice Capades. 147 00:06:48,160 --> 00:06:49,840 I outsourced it to Vietnam. 148 00:06:49,860 --> 00:06:51,440 It's shitty. You can do better. 149 00:06:51,520 --> 00:06:53,750 I can't replace Jeff with a Styrofoam head 150 00:06:53,780 --> 00:06:55,730 and then look him in the eye over osso buco. 151 00:06:55,750 --> 00:06:59,310 Welcome to the world of exciting internal conflict. 152 00:06:59,390 --> 00:07:01,840 Build me a Jeff, please. 153 00:07:01,880 --> 00:07:03,900 I know this is gonna come as a surprise to you, 154 00:07:03,930 --> 00:07:05,496 but I'm not gonna be around much longer. 155 00:07:05,520 --> 00:07:07,930 My father died at 68. 156 00:07:08,020 --> 00:07:09,420 I'm on borrowed time. 157 00:07:09,430 --> 00:07:11,810 I'd like all this to be yours someday. 158 00:07:11,890 --> 00:07:13,300 Since when? 159 00:07:13,380 --> 00:07:15,140 If not you, who? 160 00:07:15,150 --> 00:07:16,750 But if we want to keep this shop open, 161 00:07:16,770 --> 00:07:18,980 first, we need to build another Jeff... 162 00:07:19,060 --> 00:07:20,770 on ice. 163 00:07:20,850 --> 00:07:22,970 The original is out to sea. 164 00:07:22,980 --> 00:07:26,020 [WHIMSICAL MUSIC] 165 00:07:26,100 --> 00:07:27,660 I don't want to hurt anyone. 166 00:07:28,680 --> 00:07:30,140 Hurt who? 167 00:07:30,390 --> 00:07:32,470 Jill, Will... anyone. 168 00:07:32,560 --> 00:07:34,440 I mean, this, for example. 169 00:07:34,460 --> 00:07:36,020 [JEFF] What if a kid watched this, 170 00:07:36,050 --> 00:07:38,120 put a barrel on, attached a bedsheet to it, 171 00:07:38,160 --> 00:07:40,470 and tried to parachute over Niagara Falls? 172 00:07:40,560 --> 00:07:42,230 Chances would not be good. 173 00:07:42,250 --> 00:07:45,430 We've been using that same visually arresting sequence 174 00:07:45,520 --> 00:07:47,450 to transition you from the real world 175 00:07:47,470 --> 00:07:49,660 to Pickle Barrel Falls for 30 years. 176 00:07:49,740 --> 00:07:51,320 And no child has ever tried this? 177 00:07:51,380 --> 00:07:53,600 I promise you, we would've heard. 178 00:07:53,610 --> 00:07:54,620 Mm. 179 00:07:54,660 --> 00:07:56,430 Why are you questioning this now? 180 00:07:56,520 --> 00:07:58,600 Shaina, from Akron. 181 00:07:58,680 --> 00:08:00,300 We shared the cheesecake. 182 00:08:00,740 --> 00:08:02,930 A moment from this show saved her life. 183 00:08:03,020 --> 00:08:05,060 If that's true, one moment from this show 184 00:08:05,140 --> 00:08:07,080 could take a life, if we're not careful. 185 00:08:07,100 --> 00:08:09,810 It's a puppet show. It's not a cursed monkey paw. 186 00:08:09,890 --> 00:08:11,650 - Do I have texts? - I don't know. 187 00:08:11,660 --> 00:08:14,110 That's a cell phone that uses AA batteries. 188 00:08:14,140 --> 00:08:15,470 You want to change something? 189 00:08:15,560 --> 00:08:16,930 Upgrade your gizmos. 190 00:08:16,960 --> 00:08:19,140 How'd things go with Shaina from Akron? 191 00:08:19,240 --> 00:08:21,620 - We didn't really connect. - Oh, that's too bad. 192 00:08:21,660 --> 00:08:23,246 [EXHALES SHARPLY] I met someone else, though. 193 00:08:23,270 --> 00:08:25,040 Really? On the same night? 194 00:08:25,100 --> 00:08:26,230 Her name is Vivian. 195 00:08:26,310 --> 00:08:28,060 I love that name. She sounds gorgeous. 196 00:08:28,140 --> 00:08:30,300 - Now tell me about her. - She's younger than me. 197 00:08:30,360 --> 00:08:31,800 That's fine, as long as she's not 198 00:08:31,820 --> 00:08:33,850 selling Do-Si-Dos outside the Kroger. 199 00:08:33,880 --> 00:08:36,180 - She has a lovely smile. - Aw, terrific. 200 00:08:36,620 --> 00:08:39,340 And the doctors give her about six weeks. 201 00:08:39,440 --> 00:08:40,560 Hmm. 202 00:08:40,640 --> 00:08:44,470 [WHIMSICAL MUSIC] 203 00:08:44,900 --> 00:08:46,420 [WOMAN] Where you off to, Jimmy? 204 00:08:46,440 --> 00:08:47,600 Pickle Barrel Falls. 205 00:08:47,680 --> 00:08:48,930 [WOMAN] Okay, honey, have fun. 206 00:08:48,950 --> 00:08:50,060 Bye, Mom. 207 00:08:50,140 --> 00:08:53,350 ♪ ♪ 208 00:08:53,430 --> 00:08:54,890 Here we go! 209 00:08:54,980 --> 00:08:56,060 [DOG BARKS] 210 00:08:56,140 --> 00:08:58,980 [ENNUI SPUTTERING] 211 00:09:00,850 --> 00:09:03,140 What are you trying to do, Ennui La Triste? 212 00:09:03,220 --> 00:09:06,770 Because my tongue is cheese, I cannot whistle! 213 00:09:06,800 --> 00:09:09,240 [CRIES] Quel fromage. 214 00:09:09,320 --> 00:09:12,160 Come on, you stale breadstick. 215 00:09:12,240 --> 00:09:13,900 Whistling is easy. 216 00:09:13,980 --> 00:09:17,120 [BUBBLING] 217 00:09:17,180 --> 00:09:19,060 Mm, never mind. 218 00:09:19,160 --> 00:09:21,060 Ennui, in my experience, 219 00:09:21,140 --> 00:09:23,520 everyone has a little tune in their heart, 220 00:09:23,600 --> 00:09:25,180 and if you listen closely, 221 00:09:25,270 --> 00:09:27,430 it always finds a way out. 222 00:09:27,520 --> 00:09:29,430 [SMACKS LIPS] 223 00:09:29,520 --> 00:09:32,390 [WHISTLING] 224 00:09:32,470 --> 00:09:34,550 ♪ ♪ 225 00:09:34,560 --> 00:09:36,160 Now you try. 226 00:09:36,200 --> 00:09:39,040 [WHISTLING] 227 00:09:39,100 --> 00:09:40,900 ♪ ♪ 228 00:09:41,770 --> 00:09:43,890 [ALL WHISTLING] 229 00:09:43,980 --> 00:09:46,930 And then I loved her in the pussy. 230 00:09:48,190 --> 00:09:49,200 Wow. 231 00:09:49,260 --> 00:09:51,350 [CHUCKLES] I know. 232 00:09:51,430 --> 00:09:54,100 I tried texting her, but there's no response. 233 00:09:54,120 --> 00:09:56,060 Didn't you say she was terminally ill? 234 00:09:56,120 --> 00:09:58,770 No, that's just the opinion of three doctors. 235 00:09:58,850 --> 00:10:00,140 Her attitude would suggest 236 00:10:00,230 --> 00:10:02,020 an entirely different prognosis. 237 00:10:02,100 --> 00:10:05,440 But what do I know? I'm not three doctors. 238 00:10:05,560 --> 00:10:07,180 What can you do, Jeff? 239 00:10:07,200 --> 00:10:09,580 I hate to think that last night didn't mean anything to her. 240 00:10:09,620 --> 00:10:11,120 Maybe your phone's broken. 241 00:10:11,140 --> 00:10:13,120 That's why she hasn't responded. 242 00:10:13,560 --> 00:10:15,680 - Did you think of that? - That's it. 243 00:10:15,770 --> 00:10:17,300 You're probably right. 244 00:10:17,320 --> 00:10:18,430 - [DEIRDRE] Mm-hmm. - Ah. 245 00:10:18,520 --> 00:10:20,140 What a dopey-dope. 246 00:10:20,230 --> 00:10:22,350 - Ha! - [CHUCKLES] 247 00:10:22,430 --> 00:10:24,320 - Hi, Dad. - Hello, my boy. 248 00:10:26,310 --> 00:10:28,090 You asked when it all ends. 249 00:10:28,120 --> 00:10:29,400 - I... - Six weeks. 250 00:10:29,480 --> 00:10:31,950 When the cancer lady he's falling for bites it, 251 00:10:31,980 --> 00:10:33,400 that's when he pops. 252 00:10:33,500 --> 00:10:35,990 Not a lot of time, but we can get the ice show on its feet 253 00:10:36,020 --> 00:10:37,730 and rush the doll for Christmas. 254 00:10:37,810 --> 00:10:40,680 [WHIMSICAL MUSIC] 255 00:10:40,770 --> 00:10:42,060 ♪ ♪ 256 00:10:42,180 --> 00:10:43,300 Will. 257 00:10:43,360 --> 00:10:44,700 You back here? 258 00:10:44,740 --> 00:10:46,520 I could use some technical support. 259 00:10:46,580 --> 00:10:49,390 [COUGHING] 260 00:10:49,470 --> 00:10:52,230 Whoa, it's you. 261 00:10:52,310 --> 00:10:53,770 Your pineapple is smoking. 262 00:10:53,850 --> 00:10:56,180 Yeah, I call it the Mind-dozer. 263 00:10:56,270 --> 00:10:59,390 It's practically made the apple bong obsolete. 264 00:10:59,470 --> 00:11:02,430 Plus, when you're done, you can chop it up and eat it, 265 00:11:02,520 --> 00:11:04,020 get you manganese. 266 00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:05,280 Have you seen my son? 267 00:11:05,320 --> 00:11:07,280 [BONG DUDE] Just because I've seen him in a place 268 00:11:07,310 --> 00:11:09,800 doesn't mean he's actually in that place, you know? 269 00:11:09,810 --> 00:11:12,480 Meaning, he could've left that place. 270 00:11:12,560 --> 00:11:15,730 Well, could you point to where you saw him last? 271 00:11:15,810 --> 00:11:17,380 [BONG DUDE] Narc-ing on an acquaintance 272 00:11:17,420 --> 00:11:20,100 would violate every principle I hold dear. 273 00:11:20,940 --> 00:11:23,860 Hey, is it true you killed a bunch of Lebanese people 274 00:11:23,900 --> 00:11:26,270 when you were a sniper for the CIA? 275 00:11:26,350 --> 00:11:28,310 [CHUCKLES] What did you say? 276 00:11:28,320 --> 00:11:30,980 The Dark Web knows all secrets, man. 277 00:11:31,000 --> 00:11:33,020 You shouldn't believe every rumor you read. 278 00:11:33,120 --> 00:11:35,850 [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC] 279 00:11:35,930 --> 00:11:41,060 ♪ ♪ 280 00:11:45,850 --> 00:11:49,860 Truth is, I wouldn't know the first thing about 281 00:11:50,100 --> 00:11:52,270 lining up an innocent man's peach pit 282 00:11:52,280 --> 00:11:54,310 from 1,000 yards out... 283 00:11:54,390 --> 00:11:57,400 pink misting him through his kitchen window. 284 00:11:58,060 --> 00:12:00,430 I've never been to Lebanon or Iran, 285 00:12:00,520 --> 00:12:02,300 never known the thrill of sipping 286 00:12:02,310 --> 00:12:03,890 the Shah's contraband tequila 287 00:12:03,980 --> 00:12:07,300 from the cold navel of my 100th kill. 288 00:12:07,770 --> 00:12:10,680 Nor can I appreciate the years of training and tenacity 289 00:12:10,700 --> 00:12:13,470 it would take to draw an imaginary line 290 00:12:13,480 --> 00:12:16,940 between my heartbeat and my trigger finger. 291 00:12:17,810 --> 00:12:20,000 Never done those things. 292 00:12:20,040 --> 00:12:21,230 [MARTIAL MUSIC] 293 00:12:21,310 --> 00:12:23,860 I could never take a man's life. 294 00:12:23,920 --> 00:12:25,230 [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC] 295 00:12:25,310 --> 00:12:27,400 But I've heard it's as easy 296 00:12:27,430 --> 00:12:29,350 as popping a pimple. 297 00:12:29,430 --> 00:12:34,270 ♪ ♪ 298 00:12:42,350 --> 00:12:44,380 I think Will's over there, man. 299 00:12:44,560 --> 00:12:46,680 Thanks for your help. 300 00:12:46,770 --> 00:12:49,640 You're a good helper. 301 00:12:49,730 --> 00:12:52,020 [WILL] All right, pick a card, any card. 302 00:12:52,890 --> 00:12:54,770 - Should I show you? - No. 303 00:12:54,850 --> 00:12:56,140 Don't... don't show me. 304 00:12:56,260 --> 00:12:58,730 Now, uh, sign the Bicycle side of the card. 305 00:12:58,810 --> 00:13:00,310 Will? 306 00:13:00,390 --> 00:13:02,640 Could you come with me to the phone store? 307 00:13:02,730 --> 00:13:06,140 This thing is broken. I don't know what to do. 308 00:13:06,230 --> 00:13:08,100 So you... you think your phone is broken 309 00:13:08,180 --> 00:13:10,680 because this woman you just met didn't respond? 310 00:13:10,700 --> 00:13:12,260 We spent a whole night together. 311 00:13:12,300 --> 00:13:15,620 We told each other things you can never tell a stranger. 312 00:13:15,810 --> 00:13:18,560 - We made love. - Oh. 313 00:13:18,640 --> 00:13:20,730 Um... 314 00:13:20,810 --> 00:13:22,350 There's something wrong with this. 315 00:13:22,430 --> 00:13:24,560 [LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS] 316 00:13:24,640 --> 00:13:26,260 Uh-huh. Yeah, uh... 317 00:13:27,230 --> 00:13:28,850 it looks okay to me. 318 00:13:28,930 --> 00:13:30,890 Could you take in the back just to make sure? 319 00:13:30,980 --> 00:13:34,500 - I'd feel better. - Sure. Sure. 320 00:13:34,600 --> 00:13:36,520 Uh, just... 321 00:13:36,600 --> 00:13:39,270 Yeah, which account is this phone registered under? 322 00:13:39,280 --> 00:13:41,240 I have your name associated with two plans... 323 00:13:41,270 --> 00:13:42,690 one ending in 4356, 324 00:13:42,700 --> 00:13:45,300 - another in 7864. - Yeah, the first one. 325 00:13:45,320 --> 00:13:46,980 Okay. 326 00:13:47,060 --> 00:13:49,330 We will get to the bottom of this. 327 00:13:49,340 --> 00:13:50,350 - Great. - Okay. 328 00:13:50,380 --> 00:13:51,390 Okay. 329 00:13:52,980 --> 00:13:54,600 Hey... 330 00:13:54,680 --> 00:13:57,640 do you think that maybe I could get a, uh... 331 00:13:57,730 --> 00:14:01,930 a new phone, one with a, uh, alphanumeric keyboard? 332 00:14:02,020 --> 00:14:03,780 What do you need that for? 333 00:14:05,560 --> 00:14:10,040 Whose, uh... whose phone number ends in 7864? 334 00:14:10,100 --> 00:14:11,430 What? 335 00:14:11,520 --> 00:14:14,470 He, uh... he said that you have two numbers. 336 00:14:14,560 --> 00:14:17,060 [SIGHS] 337 00:14:17,100 --> 00:14:19,430 The other number belongs to a man 338 00:14:19,450 --> 00:14:22,660 who hurt his back so badly that he can't work anymore, 339 00:14:22,680 --> 00:14:24,540 so I pay for some of his necessities, 340 00:14:24,570 --> 00:14:28,640 like his phone and his rent and his daughter's education. 341 00:14:28,730 --> 00:14:30,060 How did he get hurt? 342 00:14:31,810 --> 00:14:35,240 He was driving the truck that hit you and Phil that day. 343 00:14:35,320 --> 00:14:38,930 ♪ ♪ 344 00:14:39,020 --> 00:14:41,080 Don't you hate that guy? 345 00:14:41,770 --> 00:14:44,300 Hate doesn't punish who you think it does. 346 00:14:44,980 --> 00:14:47,020 [MAN] Well, I had our... 347 00:14:47,100 --> 00:14:49,100 best technicians take a look, 348 00:14:49,180 --> 00:14:52,960 and there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with the phone. 349 00:14:54,060 --> 00:14:55,430 Uh... 350 00:14:57,850 --> 00:14:59,930 Mm, that's unfortunate. 351 00:15:00,020 --> 00:15:03,020 Um, look, Mr. Pickles... 352 00:15:03,100 --> 00:15:04,900 here's the thing. 353 00:15:04,940 --> 00:15:06,850 Can I tell you what I think really happened? 354 00:15:06,860 --> 00:15:09,880 I-I don't think that your phone is broken. 355 00:15:09,900 --> 00:15:12,700 I think that, uh, it's hers that's broken, 356 00:15:12,740 --> 00:15:15,740 and that's why she's not responding. 357 00:15:15,800 --> 00:15:17,760 [CHUCKLES] That makes sense. 358 00:15:17,820 --> 00:15:19,470 I knew there was a reason I brought you. 359 00:15:19,500 --> 00:15:21,390 [CHUCKLES] He's the family computer whiz. 360 00:15:21,400 --> 00:15:23,270 [CHUCKLES] Yeah, that's... 361 00:15:23,300 --> 00:15:25,260 Uh, so is there anything else I can help you with? 362 00:15:25,600 --> 00:15:26,730 Just that. 363 00:15:26,810 --> 00:15:29,810 [SOMBER MUSIC] 364 00:15:29,890 --> 00:15:32,230 ♪ ♪ 365 00:15:32,310 --> 00:15:35,750 [SCOTT] Once upon a time, there was a swing in a branch 366 00:15:35,780 --> 00:15:38,470 and a big, fat marshmallow. 367 00:15:38,500 --> 00:15:41,340 [MADDY] Why does the cat only eat marshmallows, Dad? 368 00:15:41,400 --> 00:15:43,140 Why do you think? Turn the page. 369 00:15:43,230 --> 00:15:44,310 [LAUGHS] 370 00:15:44,390 --> 00:15:46,760 [LAUGHING] I only see the cat! 371 00:15:47,160 --> 00:15:49,270 [MADDY] The kitty's so dismay-ded, 372 00:15:49,300 --> 00:15:51,470 but there's a marshmallow, and the kitty's like... 373 00:15:51,560 --> 00:15:52,890 ♪ ♪ 374 00:15:52,980 --> 00:15:54,730 I'm sick. 375 00:15:54,810 --> 00:15:55,950 So breathe that way. 376 00:15:55,980 --> 00:15:57,730 I'm not sleeping on the fold-out. 377 00:15:57,810 --> 00:15:59,400 No, I mean I'm sick, Dee Dee. 378 00:15:59,420 --> 00:16:02,060 I don't know what's wrong with me. 379 00:16:04,730 --> 00:16:06,310 I need... 380 00:16:09,060 --> 00:16:11,520 Oh, God, I've pictured having this conversation 381 00:16:11,540 --> 00:16:12,800 since I was 13, 382 00:16:12,820 --> 00:16:15,350 and now I don't know how to start it. 383 00:16:18,180 --> 00:16:19,980 But... 384 00:16:22,980 --> 00:16:24,430 ... a word that's... 385 00:16:24,520 --> 00:16:27,520 defined me for a while has been... 386 00:16:29,770 --> 00:16:31,520 ... confusion. 387 00:16:34,100 --> 00:16:35,600 [SIGHS] 388 00:16:35,680 --> 00:16:38,810 [CRIES] 389 00:16:41,230 --> 00:16:43,730 [CRYING] Even ten words in, it already feels 390 00:16:43,810 --> 00:16:45,850 so cathartic... 391 00:16:45,930 --> 00:16:48,850 [SIGHS] ... to open up... 392 00:16:48,930 --> 00:16:51,770 about what I'm trying to say, baby. 393 00:16:51,850 --> 00:16:53,270 [SNIFFLES] 394 00:16:53,350 --> 00:16:55,310 [QUIET ORCHESTRAL MUSIC] 395 00:16:55,390 --> 00:16:59,720 In the deepest part of myself... 396 00:16:59,760 --> 00:17:01,340 ♪ ♪ 397 00:17:01,440 --> 00:17:03,310 ... I've always... 398 00:17:03,320 --> 00:17:05,820 Name a happy child of divorce. 399 00:17:06,100 --> 00:17:09,310 ♪ ♪ 400 00:17:09,390 --> 00:17:12,820 - What? - Name one happy child of divorce. 401 00:17:13,060 --> 00:17:15,930 Can I finish what I'm trying to say? 402 00:17:16,760 --> 00:17:18,520 Oh... 403 00:17:18,600 --> 00:17:21,890 the Tooth Fairy needs to find her wand. 404 00:17:21,980 --> 00:17:26,560 ♪ ♪ 405 00:17:26,640 --> 00:17:28,000 [DOOR OPENS] 406 00:17:28,040 --> 00:17:32,890 ♪ ♪ 407 00:17:40,040 --> 00:17:42,100 [WHISPERING] Where do your teeth go? 408 00:17:42,180 --> 00:17:43,850 ♪ ♪ 409 00:17:43,930 --> 00:17:45,270 Hi, Mom. 410 00:17:45,350 --> 00:17:46,990 [RASPY VOICE] I'm Mr. Chompers. 411 00:17:47,000 --> 00:17:48,500 Jesus! Fuck! 412 00:17:48,540 --> 00:17:51,680 And I eat dreams. Nom! Nom! 413 00:17:51,770 --> 00:17:54,180 Nom... 414 00:17:54,270 --> 00:17:56,930 [SPACEY MELANCHOLY MUSIC] 415 00:17:57,020 --> 00:18:02,100 ♪ ♪ 416 00:18:36,420 --> 00:18:38,060 I'm sorry. 417 00:18:39,730 --> 00:18:42,140 I don't even know how to talk to you anymore, 418 00:18:42,230 --> 00:18:45,060 but I want you to know that... 419 00:18:45,140 --> 00:18:47,740 I do it all the time in my head, 420 00:18:47,760 --> 00:18:51,480 so it feels like I talk to you more than I do. 421 00:18:51,600 --> 00:18:55,220 [DARK MUSIC] 422 00:18:55,300 --> 00:18:59,060 I'm always asking myself if I'm trying too hard. 423 00:18:59,140 --> 00:19:01,620 Am I? 424 00:19:01,700 --> 00:19:03,640 Or not enough? 425 00:19:03,730 --> 00:19:05,390 ♪ ♪ 426 00:19:05,470 --> 00:19:07,890 I used to be so good at putting myself 427 00:19:07,980 --> 00:19:10,140 between you and... 428 00:19:10,230 --> 00:19:12,480 anything that tried to hurt you, but... 429 00:19:13,810 --> 00:19:15,940 I couldn't... 430 00:19:16,600 --> 00:19:19,350 I couldn't put myself between you and what happened. 431 00:19:19,380 --> 00:19:20,660 I... 432 00:19:20,940 --> 00:19:23,580 I couldn't stop... 433 00:19:24,640 --> 00:19:27,020 you losing everything. 434 00:19:27,100 --> 00:19:29,020 ♪ ♪ 435 00:19:29,100 --> 00:19:32,020 And... 436 00:19:32,100 --> 00:19:34,760 I don't know how to protect you anymore, 437 00:19:34,800 --> 00:19:37,180 and maybe I shouldn't. 438 00:19:37,860 --> 00:19:40,180 Maybe that's how I help. 439 00:19:40,240 --> 00:19:45,140 ♪ ♪ 440 00:19:52,260 --> 00:19:55,160 Have you ever seen the movie Robocop? 441 00:19:56,060 --> 00:19:57,350 Maybe? 442 00:19:57,430 --> 00:19:58,730 It's about a police officer 443 00:19:58,740 --> 00:20:00,730 who dies in the line of duty. 444 00:20:00,810 --> 00:20:03,680 His buddies rebuild him like a robot 445 00:20:03,770 --> 00:20:05,930 so they can control him, 446 00:20:06,020 --> 00:20:07,760 but he just gets... 447 00:20:07,960 --> 00:20:10,470 way more violent. 448 00:20:10,560 --> 00:20:12,060 ♪ ♪ 449 00:20:17,140 --> 00:20:19,480 [KNOCK AT DOOR] 450 00:20:20,310 --> 00:20:22,580 Just a sec. 451 00:20:25,930 --> 00:20:28,400 [SIGHS] 452 00:20:31,430 --> 00:20:33,020 Hi. 453 00:20:34,060 --> 00:20:36,060 I didn't know you were coming. 454 00:20:39,020 --> 00:20:43,440 Welcome to my... home away from home. 455 00:20:44,890 --> 00:20:47,140 [DOOR CLOSES] 456 00:20:48,350 --> 00:20:50,020 What happened here? 457 00:20:50,100 --> 00:20:51,140 Um... 458 00:20:51,230 --> 00:20:53,240 a lamp got broken. 459 00:20:53,930 --> 00:20:56,080 And you're sleeping on a futon? 460 00:20:56,140 --> 00:20:58,230 Yeah, sometimes I want a bed. 461 00:20:58,240 --> 00:20:59,880 Sometimes I want a couch. 462 00:20:59,890 --> 00:21:02,100 It's Spartan, but it's everything I need. 463 00:21:03,390 --> 00:21:04,800 Where does Will sleep? 464 00:21:04,900 --> 00:21:08,060 Oh, I have an inflatable mattress. 465 00:21:08,140 --> 00:21:10,780 He thinks it's like a water bed, only with air. 466 00:21:10,840 --> 00:21:13,760 You could be in a suite at the Four Seasons, Jeff. 467 00:21:13,860 --> 00:21:15,560 I'm happy here. 468 00:21:15,640 --> 00:21:17,660 What you don't see are the memories. 469 00:21:17,880 --> 00:21:19,660 My first apartment... 470 00:21:19,920 --> 00:21:22,600 short stroll right across campus. 471 00:21:22,680 --> 00:21:24,470 Before I say what I'm going to say, 472 00:21:24,500 --> 00:21:26,330 you should know that your son was very touched 473 00:21:26,360 --> 00:21:27,680 by what you did. 474 00:21:27,770 --> 00:21:29,900 [INHALES DEEPLY] I didn't expect that. 475 00:21:29,960 --> 00:21:31,240 We raised a good boy. 476 00:21:31,260 --> 00:21:34,140 But the guilt that I felt 477 00:21:34,160 --> 00:21:36,560 for wanting a sixth pair of shoes... 478 00:21:36,640 --> 00:21:37,760 Who said you couldn't have shoes? 479 00:21:37,770 --> 00:21:40,120 - ... or a car that's just fun... - It's a lot of shoes. 480 00:21:40,140 --> 00:21:41,460 ... and fast to drive... 481 00:21:41,480 --> 00:21:42,860 You want another car? Get another car. 482 00:21:42,870 --> 00:21:44,366 - ... or for hating the man... - Get six cars... 483 00:21:44,390 --> 00:21:45,810 one for every day of the week. 484 00:21:45,890 --> 00:21:47,020 ... who drove a snack truck into our family, 485 00:21:47,040 --> 00:21:50,020 and meanwhile, you are writing checks for his rent, 486 00:21:50,100 --> 00:21:51,270 his utility bills? 487 00:21:51,300 --> 00:21:54,040 You're paying his garbage pickup? 488 00:21:56,440 --> 00:21:58,850 He has a daughter. 489 00:22:00,500 --> 00:22:03,310 Someday she's gonna have to go to college. 490 00:22:05,470 --> 00:22:08,430 [CRYING] We had a son, 491 00:22:08,520 --> 00:22:10,740 and he will never go to college! 492 00:22:10,760 --> 00:22:12,430 Denny hurt his back in the accident. 493 00:22:12,520 --> 00:22:14,890 - Denny? - He walks with a cane now. 494 00:22:14,900 --> 00:22:17,420 Of course you're on a first-name basis with him! 495 00:22:17,460 --> 00:22:19,980 Did you not think how giving that man money 496 00:22:20,060 --> 00:22:22,300 - would make me feel? - He can't drive anymore. 497 00:22:22,400 --> 00:22:24,250 Workmen's compensation won't cover the cost 498 00:22:24,280 --> 00:22:25,660 of a single-parent household. 499 00:22:26,140 --> 00:22:28,280 Someone has to look out for him. 500 00:22:28,360 --> 00:22:30,600 We weren't the only ones who lost something. 501 00:22:31,890 --> 00:22:34,200 We're the only ones that matter. 502 00:22:34,220 --> 00:22:36,400 I devoted an entire show to Phil's death... 503 00:22:36,430 --> 00:22:38,850 - [SIGHS] - ... an honest show. 504 00:22:38,930 --> 00:22:40,360 They're gonna air it soon. 505 00:22:40,400 --> 00:22:42,800 I don't watch Puppet Time anymore. 506 00:22:43,640 --> 00:22:47,100 Watching it makes me want to swallow my tongue. 507 00:22:47,240 --> 00:22:49,330 You shouldn't blame that man for what happened. 508 00:22:49,350 --> 00:22:51,180 I don't blame him. 509 00:22:51,270 --> 00:22:53,560 I hate him. 510 00:22:53,640 --> 00:22:55,700 I blame myself for what happened. 511 00:22:55,730 --> 00:22:57,640 It was an accident... 512 00:22:57,660 --> 00:23:00,470 a stray burst of electrons through a stoplight. 513 00:23:00,560 --> 00:23:03,520 - A broken lamp. - An act of God. 514 00:23:03,600 --> 00:23:06,270 He's not the bad guy. 515 00:23:06,350 --> 00:23:08,320 Neither are you, Jill. 516 00:23:09,850 --> 00:23:12,150 - No one is. - That's what you don't get. 517 00:23:12,180 --> 00:23:15,470 Next to you, I am the bad guy. 518 00:23:16,060 --> 00:23:17,680 I always am. 519 00:23:17,770 --> 00:23:20,680 No, you're a wonderful person, and I miss you 520 00:23:20,770 --> 00:23:22,180 - more than anything. - Don't. 521 00:23:22,270 --> 00:23:25,800 [SOBBING] 522 00:23:26,680 --> 00:23:29,180 Oh, I loved you, Jeff, 523 00:23:29,270 --> 00:23:30,930 but... 524 00:23:32,350 --> 00:23:37,140 ... after the accident, when all the cards arrived... 525 00:23:37,230 --> 00:23:39,560 they were all addressed to you. 526 00:23:39,640 --> 00:23:42,420 They were meant for both of us. 527 00:23:42,460 --> 00:23:44,600 You're Santa. 528 00:23:44,730 --> 00:23:47,100 I'm Mrs. Claus. 529 00:23:47,180 --> 00:23:48,890 Santa brings joy. 530 00:23:48,980 --> 00:23:50,980 Mrs. Claus brings... 531 00:23:51,060 --> 00:23:54,060 kibble to the reindeer. 532 00:23:55,320 --> 00:23:58,060 Well, I don't live on the North Pole anymore. 533 00:23:58,080 --> 00:24:01,600 [SNIFFLES] I live in reality now. 534 00:24:01,680 --> 00:24:04,390 It's not as colorful, but... 535 00:24:04,470 --> 00:24:06,900 I see the world how it really is. 536 00:24:07,560 --> 00:24:10,520 The world is a perfect circle... 537 00:24:10,600 --> 00:24:12,930 of endless possibilities. 538 00:24:14,600 --> 00:24:17,600 It's not a circle. 539 00:24:17,680 --> 00:24:19,930 It's a hole. 540 00:24:21,520 --> 00:24:24,230 [DISQUIETING PERCUSSIVE MUSIC] 541 00:24:24,310 --> 00:24:27,600 ♪ ♪ 542 00:24:27,680 --> 00:24:29,980 That truck driver... 543 00:24:30,060 --> 00:24:32,100 ♪ ♪ 544 00:24:32,180 --> 00:24:35,270 He didn't hurt his back in the accident. 545 00:24:35,350 --> 00:24:37,520 Maybe he told you he did, 546 00:24:37,560 --> 00:24:39,680 but that is called a lie. 547 00:24:39,770 --> 00:24:41,850 He just wants your money. 548 00:24:41,930 --> 00:24:44,020 He's stealing from you, 549 00:24:44,100 --> 00:24:45,980 and teaching Will a magic trick 550 00:24:46,000 --> 00:24:48,400 isn't gonna get him to stop smoking pot. 551 00:24:48,500 --> 00:24:50,650 And when you screw a woman you just met 552 00:24:50,680 --> 00:24:52,520 and she doesn't call you back, 553 00:24:52,600 --> 00:24:54,850 it's not 'cause her phone is broken. 554 00:24:54,880 --> 00:24:57,060 It's 'cause she doesn't like you! 555 00:24:57,850 --> 00:25:01,560 I'm sorry, but this is where we live. 556 00:25:01,640 --> 00:25:05,480 Please, join us. 557 00:25:05,520 --> 00:25:09,890 ♪ ♪ 558 00:25:10,120 --> 00:25:12,270 [DOOR CLOSES] 559 00:25:12,350 --> 00:25:14,390 [SNIFFLES] 560 00:25:14,470 --> 00:25:17,310 ♪ ♪ 561 00:25:17,390 --> 00:25:20,100 [RUMBLING] 562 00:25:20,200 --> 00:25:25,060 ♪ ♪ 563 00:25:25,140 --> 00:25:27,390 [CELL PHONE PLAYS "SHAVE AND A HAIRCUT"] 564 00:25:27,470 --> 00:25:32,140 ♪ ♪ 565 00:25:32,200 --> 00:25:38,180 _ 566 00:25:46,260 --> 00:25:48,390 [CHUCKLES] 567 00:25:48,470 --> 00:25:51,390 [WHISTLING JAUNTY TUNE] 568 00:25:51,470 --> 00:25:52,480 ♪ ♪ 569 00:25:52,520 --> 00:25:55,430 [SOFT MUSIC] 570 00:25:55,520 --> 00:26:00,310 ♪ ♪ 571 00:26:00,390 --> 00:26:03,430 [WHISTLING JAUNTY TUNE] 572 00:26:03,520 --> 00:26:06,560 ♪ ♪ 573 00:26:06,640 --> 00:26:09,670 [SOFT MUSIC CONTINUES] 574 00:26:09,680 --> 00:26:12,890 ♪ ♪ 575 00:26:12,980 --> 00:26:15,880 Is it the... queen of hearts? 576 00:26:15,960 --> 00:26:17,350 ♪ ♪ 577 00:26:17,430 --> 00:26:19,520 [SIGHS] 578 00:26:20,140 --> 00:26:22,240 - No way! - [LAUGHS] 579 00:26:22,320 --> 00:26:25,100 [WHISTLING JAUNTY TUNE] 580 00:26:25,180 --> 00:26:30,100 ♪ ♪ 581 00:26:42,640 --> 00:26:44,100 Mom? 582 00:26:44,260 --> 00:26:48,980 ♪ ♪ 583 00:27:04,280 --> 00:27:06,600 [DOG BARKS] 584 00:27:06,680 --> 00:27:10,560 [SOFT MUSIC CONTINUES] 585 00:27:10,600 --> 00:27:12,810 Isn't it amazing, Gertie? 586 00:27:12,890 --> 00:27:17,980 ♪ ♪ 587 00:27:19,380 --> 00:27:22,600 - Synced & corrected by MementMori - -- www.addic7ed.com -- 588 00:27:22,640 --> 00:27:25,520 [ADRIAN YOUNGE'S "STRANGER BY THE SEA"] 589 00:27:25,600 --> 00:27:29,810 ♪ ♪ 590 00:27:29,890 --> 00:27:34,810 ♪ A stranger landed from the sea ♪ 591 00:27:34,890 --> 00:27:39,020 ♪ I welcomed him to come to me ♪ 592 00:27:39,100 --> 00:27:43,080 ♪ ♪ 593 00:27:43,200 --> 00:27:48,520 ♪ We touched but he swam back to sea ♪ 594 00:27:50,520 --> 00:27:55,350 ♪ He saw the cold and misery ♪ 595 00:27:57,310 --> 00:28:00,430 ♪ He sails the seven oceans ♪ 596 00:28:00,520 --> 00:28:04,020 ♪ Exploring his emotions ♪ 40019

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