All language subtitles for The.Sex.Lives.Of.College.Girls.S01E03.WEBRip.x265-ION265

- President Lacey,
I am absolutely horrified

by my behavior last night.

Underage drinking,

destruction of campus property.

I'm better than that,

and I am determined
to make it right.

This is a check for $2,000.

- It's a starting point.
My mom says we can go up to 10.

- Leighton, you can't
bribe your way out of this.

You threw a tequila bottle
at a statue

and chipped its pinky finger.

Then, you berated
our campus security.

Oh, I did not berate them.

You called them, quote:

"Wannabe cops
with heinous personal style."

That does sound like me.

But in my defense,
I was wasted.

That doesn't help.

You're getting 100 hours
of community service

at the Essex College
Women's Center.

- What is a Women's Center?
Is that like a Curves?

- The Women's Center is...
an inclusive collective

for females
and people of all genders,

where they can organize
feminist activism

and engage in conversations
with like-minded individuals.

- Oh, no. A bunch of woke
nobodies drinking green tea?

Please, I would love
to hear some other options.

There are no other options.

I'll tell the Women's Center
to expect you.

Thanks so much for coming in,
Leighton.

- Well, my family will
no longer be donating

to this institution.

- You know
how many Russian billionaires

send their kids here?

Three.

We'll be fine.

God damn it.

Vermont Tinder is so weird.

Why are all the guys hiking?

This is pointless anyway.

Nobody on here
ever messages back.

All right, hand it over.

Let's see
what you're working with.

Bela, what the actual fuck?

This is why no one's
messaging you back.

You don't even say hi.
You start every conversation

with the words "shirtless pic"
and a question mark.

- Look, I was a nuclear loser
in high school, so excuse me.

For once, I want to date a guy
with sick, ripped, tasty abs

like...
Zac Efron "Baywatch" abs.

- Oh, Efron should not
be your ideal abs.

There are way better.

Gosling
in "Crazy, Stupid, Love."

Oh.

- Michael B.
in "Black Panther."

- Ooh!
- Michael B. in "Creed."

- You know who I bet has abs?

- Beto O'Rourke.
- Oh, I bet he does.

- You actually might be
onto something with that one.

- This has been
the worst morning of my life.

- Oh, my God, did they cancel
your reservation at Mar-a-Lago?

- No, I have to volunteer.

Wait, I like volunteering.

- Yeah.
Also, what is that smell?

- What? Really?

Okay, how do none of you
smell that?

- Well, I thought someone
was trying new perfume,

and I didn't want to be rude.

- I think it's coming from--

- Yep.

Did one of you, like,
shit in the fridge?

- Okay, listen, I think we all
know whose fault this must be.

What, me?

That's racist somehow.

The smell's probably coming
from Leighton's weird,

refrigerated cosmetics.

- I actually stopped
putting them in there

after I found Cheeto dust
in my eye cream.

- Oh, and I guess
you're insinuating

that I was responsible
for that too.

I was.
That one was me.

But I didn't
make the fridge stink.

- All right.
I have to go to practice,

but we will figure out who's
responsible for this later,

and that person
will be the one to clean it.

- Agree?
- Mm-hmm.

- Great.
- Aw, man!

I really think the smell
got into my hair.

- I can't believe you're
getting tutored by Nico today!

What are you gonna wear?

- This.
- Ha! Right.

- No, I'm really
gonna wear this.

A denim jacket?

Are you out
of your fucking mind?

You're getting tutored
by a hot guy.

You're not getting a job
at Applebee's.

Bela, I'm already nervous.

Can you not tell me I look bad?

Okay. It'll be fine.

You got big boobs.

Just, you know,
push them out a lot.

Like this?

- Yeah, girl!
Just like that.

Actually,
I'm gonna try that too.

Great practice, ladies.

And I don't want
to get ahead of things,

but we could have a shot

at finally making
the tournament this year,

thanks to our
new first-year talent.

All right,
now in terms of strategy,

You mids, don't kick
the ball forward.

We're going for possession,
all right?

- Oh, you look
so fucking hot today.

You too.

- I have to answer this.

It's Michelle, and two calls
means an emergency.

- Yeah.
- Oh, God. It's a FaceTime.

It's connecting.
Hide! Hide!

Hey!

- Hey, babe. I'm outside.
- Sorry. You're what?

What? What was that?

- I'm, uh--I'm counting
the aluminum bats

like I always do.
Did you say you're here?

- Yeah. Yeah, we have
to go get the credenza

that I bought in Cos Cob.
You remember?

- I didn't realize
we bought that.

I thought we were sticking
with our current hutch.

No, we're getting a new one.

Hey, is your shirt off?

- Oh, yeah. I spilled
a bunch of soup on it.

It doesn't matter.
I'll see you out there.

Cool.

- Look, I don't know
what a credenza is,

but it doesn't sound like
something you buy

if you're about
to end your marriage.

- Look, Michelle and I
have been together

for six years.
I need to find

the right moment
and do this in a kind way.

- Fine, but just so you know,
I don't love this.

The only time I condone
cheating is on "Love Island."

I love you.

What?

- Oh...

Just go buy your hutch thing.

- Vrai.
- "Fray."

No, look at my mouth.

Watch what I'm doing
with my lips.

Vrai.

- Hello?
- Sorry.

Um, vrai.

- That's it.
- Okay.

- Yeah,
you're improving already.

How did you get so fluent?

- When I was little, we had
this au pair named Camille

from Marseille.

She practically raised me
'cause my mom was always, uh,

actually, who knows
what she was doing.

Oh, I totally get that.

Both my parents worked a lot,

so I spent all my time
with my nana.

One time, she had a stroke
while we were doing a puzzle.

But your story's a lot cuter,
so tell me more about Camille.

- Uh, Camille was
the fucking best.

She'd make me chicken nuggets,
and we'd sit together

and watch her favorite French
TV show, "Les Craquantes."

That sounds very fancy.

- It was a dubbed version
of "The Golden Girls."

Oh.

- The first word I learned
in French was "ménopause."

Ménopause.

- Oui, ménopause.

- I just wanna thank you again
for doing this.

It's really nice.

Yeah, don't mention it.

- Oh, but before I forget.
- Yeah.

Can you sign this?

If I do enough tutoring hours,
I get an extra half-credit

towards my minor.

- Oh, you get credit
for tutoring.

Is that okay?

- Totally okay.
Of course, of course.

This was simply transactional.
I get it.

Mmm, young Stalin can get it!

Right?

Dude could've been
on "Riverdale."

Hi, I'm Bela.

Like in "Twilight,"
but Indian.

Cool.

- I love that Susan B. Anthony
is being honored

in the Essex Portrait Gallery.

I'm just saying,
the artist clearly enhanced

the size of her breasts.

- Maybe it's symbolic
of her female power.

- Or maybe
she actually had a huge rack.

How would we know?

Hey. I'm Leighton.

I got caught underage drinking.

That's why I have to work here.

- I'm Ginger.
She, her, hers.

- Lindsay.
She, her, hers.

- Alicia.
She, her, hers.

- Tova.
They, them, theirs.

Hmm.

Oh, right. Sure.

Well, I'm she.
Obviously.

Cool.

I oversee all the volunteers.

- Oh, great.
Should we talk scheduling?

Um, I was thinking that
I would work mornings

from 9:30 to 10:15-ish,

and then, you know,
round that up to an hour,

for timesheet purposes.

- Yeah,
that's not how this works.

I'll tell you
when we need help,

and that's when you'll be here.

Like tomorrow
from 5:00 to 10:00,

you'll be helping with
our feminist poetry group.

- As tempting as that sounds,
I'm kind of busy on Fridays.

Shit, I didn't realize that.

Maybe we should just
shut down the whole place

till you're free.

Okay, I am from New York,

so I can tell
that you're being sarcastic.

- Hey, this is, uh,
getting a little tense.

I'm gonna hit
the Safe Space Bell.

- What?

It's a bell that we hit

when we think it'd be good
to have a safe space.

- Uh, isn't this already
a safe space?

Okay.

I'm just saying
that maybe we've gotten

a little bit too sensitive
as a society

if even a safe space isn't--

- Oh, my God!
- It's all good, Ginger.

What we do here, whether
it seems stupid to you or not,

really does help people.

So we're not looking for your
feedback at the moment, okay?

Oh, and don't say
your pronouns are obvious.

That makes you suck.

Suggesting that you don't have
to use your pronouns

when other people do
makes you sound like

a really dumb, cis bitch.

I heard it, Ginger!

Welcome to the Women's Center,
Leighton.

See you at poetry night.

- Hi. My mom says
we can go up to 20,000.

- You're doing the
community service, Leighton.

Grow from pain.

- Girls, I have
a delicate matter.

There have been some complaints

about a...stench
coming from your room.

But there's no need
to be embarrassed.

This happens to one suite
every year.

What does?

Oh, my God.
We're the smelly suite.

- No, that "we"
better not include me.

Okay, who complained?

- Sorry, Leighton.
All complaints are anonymous.

I cannot name names.

- I can!
It was me.

It smells like
a tooth abscess in here.

It's so bad
that nobody showed up

to my murder-mystery party
last night.

- Yeah, Travis.
I'm sure that's related.

- Well, thank you, Frude, for
bringing this to our attention.

We're gonna chat about it
as a group,

- and we'll get it all fixed.
- Okey-dokey.

- Yes.
- That's a good enough

- resolution for you?
- Yeah.

We're throwing that
fucking fridge out, now.

- No, that was
my high school graduation gift.

- That is the saddest sentence
I have ever heard.

Look, I don't care.

I will not have a reputation

as a smelly suite girl.

- The fridge has to go.
- We can just clean it.

And since we don't know
who created the smell--

- It was Bela.
- Bela.

- Offensive!
Offensive conjecture.

- Why don't we all
clean it out together tonight?

It could be like a fun
group bonding experience.

I genuinely wish I could.

- I have a women's center thing.
- Yeah, I can't either.

I'm gonna get piped
by a guy with abs tonight.

- "Piped"?
- Yeah, piped.

Railed. Torn up.
Slit-slammed.

- "Slit-slammed"?
Bela, Jesus Christ!

- What?
It's how people talk.

- What? Nope.
- It's me.

- You wish.
- All right.

- Yes!
Ha, I beat you again.

I let you win.

- By being out of shape.
- Yeah.

So how was, um,
picking up the credenza?

- Oh, man, Whit, I cannot wait
to show you how ugly it is.

- I took a picture.
- Yeah.

- It is so bad.
- Wait.

Do you have me saved
in your phone

as "Steven Kim Accountant"?

- Yeah, this way,
if Michelle sees a text pop up,

she won't suspect anything.

And who's "Honey Bunny"?

That's Michelle.

- Dude, are you
fucking kidding me?

She's "Honey Bunny,"
and I'm an imaginary Asian CPA?

That's perfect.

Look, I don't know
how much longer

I can keep
sneaking around like this.

Does none of this bother you?

Of course, it does.

I have this unbelievably cool

and beautiful person
in my life,

and I can't tell anyone
about it?

It's terrible.
It sucks.

- I just want us
to go on a date.

Like an actual date,

not like
a "let's make out in my car

behind this Best Buy" date.

Some of my fondest memories

are in that
Best Buy parking lot with you.

There's some beautiful stuff
happening there.

- I'm not in the mood to joke
around about this right now.

All right.

Race you back to campus?

- No, uh, I'm gonna go
take a solo run.

- So is there something
going on between you

- and the hot French tutor?
- No.

Why? Did he ask about me
or something

when he ordered his coffee
yesterday?

- Yeah. He--

He asked me
if you were seeing anyone.

Stop.

Nah, he didn't.

He couldn't care less.

But maybe he will, 'cause
he's walking in right now.

- Oh, ha ha!
That's so funny.

Yeah, I'm sure
he's walking in right now.

- Hey!
- How's it going?

- Uh, I'm just working.
Nothing much.

Definitely not talking
about anything specific.

- You have a face
to write songs about.

Thank you.

- So, what brings you in?
Did you want a drink?

Or a café au lait?

Hey, good pronunciation.

But no, I just stopped in
to see you.

I was thinking,
for our next tutoring session,

we could watch "Golden Girls"
in French,

the way I learned
with my au pair.

Maybe tonight?

Yeah. Yes. Yeah.

I think that sounds both
educational and entertaining.

You're such a good tutor.

- Great. I'll see you tonight.
- Okay.

- You're staring at his butt.
- Lila! God!

- The idea of sitting
through a musical

makes me want
to light myself on fire.

Which I did once to get out of
an Indian thing with my family.

Hey, do you want anything
from inside?

- Nah, I'm good.
- You sure?

- Actually, could you get me
a mug of dry Cap'n Crunch?

Dude, are you
fucking seeing this?

I'm slaying this date so hard!

- Girl, he's laughing
at everything you're saying.

And you're not even
being funny.

- I'm finally gonna hook up
with a guy with abs.

- Wait, you never hooked up
with a guy with abs before?

Have you?

Honey, I pull.

Hey.

Dude.

Here you go.

Two chicken breasts.

- Must be cheat day.

"Happy Father's Day.

"Dad,

"thanks for always
protecting me from spiders,

"from nightmares,

from feeling respected
as a woman."

"My nipples are my own.

But will they
ever truly be free?"

- "Oh, beautiful,
disgracious skies.

- For amber waves of pain!"
- Yeah.

- Leighton, stop filming
people without their consent.

Yes, Warden.

- Are you seriously
getting drunk

at an event
that you're working

because you were caught
getting drunk?

Yep.

- Ridiculous.

- I figure,
if it's okay with you,

I'll sing a few songs tonight.

This first one is about a woman

who deserves more love
than she gets.

Mother Nature.

- Leighton,
what the actual fuck?

That's it.

I'm not signing off
on any of your hours tonight.

- What?
Wait, you can't do that.

I deserve double hours
for sitting through this shit.

- Why?
All you did was drink wine.

And eat very noisy snacks!

- But I was here.
- I don't care.

You know, you just wasted
three hours of your own life.

Zero down.
100 to go.

May I?

Yeah, sure.

Wow!

They are just incredible.

- Do you want to have sex, or--
- Uh, in a--in a second.

I just want to look at you
for a bit.

- Really burn the image in.
- Right.

- Okay, I'm ready.
- Oh, wow.

You're so fucking hot.

You're so fucking funny.

You're so fucking hot.

You're so fucking funny.

You're so fucking hot.

- Yeah,
you're so fucking funny.

He's a chucklefucker.

- A what?
- Huh?

A chucklefucker.

He only likes me
'cause I'm funny.

- I don't think that's a word.
- Or, like, a thing.

- He must
find you attractive too.

No one sleeps with someone

just because
they think they're funny.

Oh, really, Whitney?

Then explain why
I masturbate to Kyle Mooney.

- Bela, stop telling me
what you masturbate to.

- Wait, I thought you wanted
people to think you were funny.

- No, not when
I also want him to think

I'm a RiRi-level hot bitch.

I told him he reminded me
of David Beckham,

and he told me
I reminded him of Larry David.

- I'm confused. Larry David's
a lot funnier than you.

- Speaking of David Beckham,
we won our game.

I scored two goals and had
an assist, no big deal.

Whitney was so good!

And I tried to start a wave
in the stands,

but there weren't
enough people.

- Yeah.
- So what am I supposed to do?

- Damn, we got back
to your thing real quick.

- Honestly, Bela, I don't
think this is such a bad thing.

You like him for his abs, he
likes you because you're funny.

You both have
your really specific reasons.

- Yeah, but I'm a romantic,
so I want us to like each other

for the same, specific reason:
that we're both insatiably

into each other's hot faces
and bods.

- I feel like
there's a clear lesson

you should be learning here,
and you're not grasping it.

- Yeah, you're right.
The lesson is clear.

I've got
to break it off with him.

I've got to find
an even hotter guy

and not be myself around him.

- Nope.
That was not the lesson.

Thanks for the talk, guys.

- I really like Bela, but if I
had to share a room with her,

I'd drown myself.

Where are you
taking the cheesecake?

Oh, it's a long story.

It's an inside joke
between Nico and me.

- Does Leighton know
how much time

you've been spending
with her brother?

- No, but there's
really nothing to tell.

He's just tutoring me.

Although maybe don't
say anything to Leighton.

- Sure.
- Okay.

- I'll see you later.
- Have fun with the team.

- Thanks.

- Hey.
- Where are you right now?

- On my way to meet up with
the team to celebrate our win.

- Okay, first off,
you played like a star,

and getting wasted
with your friends

is totally appropriate.

And also, I think
you should blow the team off.

And why should I do that?

- I've been thinking about
what you said the other night,

about how we haven't had
a real date.

And I think you're right,

so let's do it.

- Right now?
- Yeah.

I know
it's kind of last minute,

but I have a surprise for you.

- A bigger surprise than
finding out you have a wife?

- Seriously?
You're gonna weaponize

the joyful word "surprise"
like that?

I'll pick you up
outside your dorm in ten.

Just bundle up
and bring bug spray.

- Bug spray?
- It's gonna be fun!

Just forget I said "bug spray."

Long underwear might be smart.

Bro, it's getting worse.

- It's gonna be great.
Just let me do my thing.

I'll see you soon.

Bug spray.

- Oh, hi.
Is Nico home?

- Nah, I think he's watching
the basketball game

at Braden's.

- Who?
- You don't know Braden?

That's weird.
You kind of look like him.

- Uh, okay.
Thanks.

- Hey, you don't also have
a Postmates order

from Quiznos, do you?

I do not.

She wasn't Quiznos.

Hey. What's up?

Hey. I'm at Theta Delt.

Oh, cool.

- Uh, yeah.
Except you're not here.

Aw, shit.

I'm so sorry.
I totally forgot.

The "Golden Girls" thing.

Ugh.

Uh, can we do it
some other time?

- Um, yeah.
For sure.

I have other things
to do tonight anyway.

All right. Sorry.

Uh, bye.

All right.

- You better not
be murdering me.

I will be so pissed.

Oh, come on.

- Thank you.
- Okay. Watch your step.

All right.

Well?

What am I looking at?

- It's a romantic
outdoor movie night!

Just you and me
in the middle of nowhere.

"Love & Basketball" queued up
on the projector.

- That is my favorite movie.
- I know. I did my research.

All right.
Let me show you to your seat.

- Ooh.
- All right.

- Just--
- Oh, okay.

- Emergency exits are this way
in the woods,

and the other way in the woods.

And the lavatories are
anywhere you want.

This is very cute.

I know.

- You ready?
- Okay.

Okay, now, cell phones off
for the duration of the movie.

- Mm-hmm.
- Tonight is just about you,

and me, and the present threat
of Lyme disease.

- Look, I know you're in charge
or whatever,

but I really think
it would benefit you

to take things
a little less seriously.

- Oh, it would, huh?
- Yeah, okay.

Like, if you didn't notice the
song that girl sang was beyond

terrible, then I am genuinely
kind of worried about you.

- Of course,
I knew it was terrible.

If she was good, she wouldn't
be playing the Women's Center!

- Uh, yes.
I agree!

- Look, can some of
these people be intolerable?

Holy shit, yes.

But instead of being rude,
I act like a normal person.

I smile to their face,
and then I mock them privately.

Could you maybe try that?

All right.

All right, I will try
to be less of a, um--

Oh, God.
What did you call it?

- A dumb, cis bitch.
- A dumb, cis bitch.

- Right. That's the one.
- Might be hard, though.

Wait till October when Ginger
starts talking about her coven.

What the fuck is a coven?

Hey, what are you doing?

Um, nothing.

- I thought we were gonna
clean that together tomorrow.

- It's fine.
I needed the distraction.

- Anything you want
to talk about?

- I just got my hopes up
about a guy

and wasted 25 bucks
on a cake.

What about you? Did you
break up with your abs boy?

- Yeah, I told him
it wasn't working.

But then he was doing pull-ups,
so we had sex one more time.

I don't know.
I might just keep doing it.

- It's good.
- Okay.

- So tell me: what heinous food
was causing the smell?

- All of it.
It was unplugged.

Oh, shit.

I totally unplugged it
for Travis' airbrush machine.

I hate that this was my fault
and it wasn't racism.

- You wanna watch TV and eat
an entire cheesecake with me?

- Let's do it.
That looks good.

Right?

This is the single best date
I have ever been on.

Me too.

- Just check your phone.
We both heard it.

- Wanna read it?

You're serious?

- This is real.
- Mm-hmm.

Okay.

I'll see you tomorrow.

See you tomorrow.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Uh, I got your text.

What is this important thing
you want to talk about?

Oh, I'm so dumb.

I meant to send that
to Coach Woods.

It was just some soccer stuff.

- Okay.
- Ready for bed?

Go to bed.