All language subtitles for S10E10 The Four Percent Solution

...holiday blues, and it results

from things
like stress, fatigue,

over-commercialization,

inability to be
with family and friends,

unrealistic expectations...

In other words,
you have no idea.

But what can I do?

Well, keep your expectations
manageable,

but most important, you need
to trust in the way things work.

Embrace the lessons
of every challenge,

and expect good
from everything that seems bad.

Thank you, Doctor.
Don't buy it.

It's bogus.

Enjoy your Christmas.

Give me a break.

Okay.

How are you feeling, ma'am?

Now, you've been
in an accident.

We're here to help.

I'm going to get you
to the hospital, okay?

What did you say?

You're
going to be all right, ma'am.

You can trust us...

But most important,

trust in the way things work.

Embrace the lessons
of every challenge

and... expect good
from everything that seems bad.

What?

It's okay,
ma'am, it's okay.

You're going to
be all right.

Yes?

Colonel.

I was in the building, um...

Things okay?

I haven't killed anyone.

That's encouraging.

Look, do you...
you get samples of medication,

sleeping pills,
that sort of thing?

I don't have any on hand, if
that's what you're asking.

Are you in the habit
of taking sleep aids?

No, just the opposite.
It's part of the problem.

I... I've had insomnia
for four days.

I thought I'd get past it.

supplements,

allergy medication;
nothing's worked.

I just need something
to get me over the hump.

Something disturbing you?

My body is just out of whack.

I'd call that disturbing.

Things have happened.

Since your hostage crisis?

You're calling that a crisis?

Uh, wasn't that the reason
that we met?

I was under orders.

So...

can you write me
a prescription?

Not without a more substantive
conversation.

Therapy. Hmm.

I just need to get a sense
of your state of mind.

Now, were-weren't you just...
getting ready to leave?

I could talk a bit.

It's stuff at the office,
mostly.

Um, there's been tension
with a colleague.

You and I need
to clear the air.

I'm not sure
you don't still resent me

for withholding news
about your boyfriend.

You've made
your argument.

The information
was classified.

And you accept that?

On a professional level.

Anyway, it's old news.

I tracked him down.

You serious?

What do you know?

You're not going to tell me.

Classified.

I'm already in the loop.

Hmm. The loop turned
into a figure eight.

What does that mean?

Sorry.

I want you to respect me
in the morning.

Can you discuss
it with me?

To a point.

You were looking for
your boyfriend...

A CIA officer by trade.

Call him John, for the sake
of this discussion.

Commander Turner's
questions

actually prompted
my curiosity about him,

which encouraged me
to track him down.

That led me to Hawaii
on a mission

to bring back his body,

which actually turned out to
be... I'm sorry? John was dead?

Alive and kicking,
as it turned out.

I have the bruises
to prove it.

You'll need to explain.

He faked his own death,

pretended to be one of three
who drowned at sea.

He deceived you.

It was actually one deception
in two parts.

A bargain at any price.

I'm surprised you think
your sleeplessness

has to do with office tension.

It doesn't.

I just don't want
to get into it.

Could I ask you to sit down?

Did you love this man?

I was working on it.

Until he
betrayed you.

It's a hell of a thing.

And you ended it?

The two of us
had it out,

and then he went...

off to save the world
from people like himself.

Was the confrontation
unsatisfying?

He had no sense
of what he had put me through.

He said he was sorry, but, um...

it was... clearly business.

What did you want
from the encounter?

His actual death
would have been appropriate.

Do you have fantasies
about killing John?

No...

No.

His mother, maybe.

I.D., ma'am?

Where is he?

With the others, ma'am,
in the adjoining room.

I'd like to see him.

Sorry, Colonel.

He needs to be ID'd,
Chief.

Already done, dear.

Are you Sarah?

Yes.

I'm Mrs. Porter Webb.

Thank you.

Um, no chairs?

We're not set up
for this, ma'am.

Well, I'm glad
you're here.

You had quite an effect
on my son.

He loved you, my dear.

Take it to heart.

That said...

let him go.

It won't serve any of us
to dwell on this.

Should've picked up
on the cues.

His mother was
part of the ruse.

When I asked the deputy
director of the CIA

to let me accompany
John's body back,

he sent her down ahead of me.

Once next of kin makes
the identification,

the remains are off limits.

You didn't speak to her
before you left for Hawaii?

We had never met.

Why weren't you more suspicious?

Doesn't viewing generally occur
on the mainland?

She had special
clearances,

was a former agency
code breaker.

His father was
also an insider.

Well, that must have
concerned you on some level.

I didn't use standard logic

because of my close relationship
with John.

I expected fair play.

You said the deception
was in two parts.

Prior to the drowning incident,

he'd gone to great lengths
to make me think

he was in Germany when he was
actually in Indonesia.

And that didn't signal anything?

Why are you doubting
my instincts?

Because you already have.

I'm just following
your lead.

For what purpose?

To help you identify
your feelings.

I already know what I'm
feeling- I'm pissed.

That it?
Humiliated.

I would think so.

Hurt, I guess.

The idea that they could
take advantage of my grief.

You felt grief?

Well, what do you think?

I think... you should answer
the question.

You know what?

I'm not doing
this anymore.

I feel worse now
than when I came in.

Well, that's unfortunate,
but I can't see

how I've done anything
to threaten you.

Well, we'll just make it
my problem, then.

I need that prescription.

Easy, easy,
easy, easy.

What was that, ma'am?

I hear you.

You want to know
if I grieved?

Yes.

He wasn't dead.

And prior to your
knowing that?

I cried.

Did it make you
feel better, worse?

I couldn't characterize it.

It was what it was.

Well, I think the
idea of grieving

is to express loss
in as complete

and honest a way
as possible.

Does that describe
what you experienced?

What does it matter?

A great deal, if your process
was cut short.

I really can't say.

What about the loss

of your relationship-
did you grieve that?

Yeah, I was so sad
to get rid of that bastard.

How long were
you together?

About a year.

Do you have good
memories about that year?

Yeah, some.

Do they feel invalidated?

You bet.

You could grieve that-

the loss of
those memories.

Why?
They're meaningless now.

Is that the attitude you've
taken with the men in your life?

Well, two of them
were shot dead.

Not many
Hallmark moments there.

We spoke of your husband.

Who else?

Dalton, a man I was seeing,

was shot by a cop
who was stalking me.

Did you say a cop?

My life is a tabloid.

Is that really
how you look at it?

It's hard not to.

The term is "diminishing. "

Making light of, what
I would assume to be,

painful experiences.

Well, whatever
gets you through the day.

Ah, but we're talking
about the night, aren't we?

Yes.

Do you feel guilty
about what happened?

I'm an alcoholic.

I feel guilty
about everything.

Do you still drink?

Not since Dalton.

That's an
accomplishment.

John was drinking, around
the time of my hostage crisis.

Were you resentful?

Yes,

but he also
wouldn't let me get away

with any of my crap,
which helped me deal with it.

And there's a good memory.

But, as Harm likes to point out,
he's a liar,

and that card
trumps all the others.

Which one is Harm?

You know, one of
the people at the office.

And you discuss things with him?

Endlessly.

I'm sorry, I
usually switch it

to voice mail
before a session.

Excuse me.

Commander McCool.

Hey, baby, how are you?

Hi.

Um, not right away.

What time does it start, 7:30?

Tell her I'm proud of her
and I'll see her soon.

I got to go.

Love you, too.

You have a daughter.

Just turned 11.

Need to leave?

Eventually.

So, back to Harm.

I don't want to talk about Harm.

I would like
to ask you a question.

You have a family.
I don't.

Different lives.

What makes you feel
qualified to judge me-

your piece of paper
on the wall?

That piece of paper
on my wall qualifies me

to listen, not to judge.

So, if there's
anything more

you have to offer
about yourself,

I welcome that.

Otherwise, it might be
a good idea for you to leave.

I haven't been
turning the lights on

in my apartment at night.

After I come home from work I...

I leave them off.

How long have you
been doing this?

Last three days.

At first I thought
it would help me fall asleep.

Didn't work, but for some
reason I just kept it up.

Have you been
depressed?

At not being
able to sleep.

Could it be a manifestation
of deeper pain?

I'll leave the
interpretations up to you.

Try this, then.

Maybe it's a way of
not having to look

at the choices
you've made.

In furniture?

A home is a reflection of
how you live your life-

the colors,
how you use it,

how you share it.

The colors are warm,

and to relax
I sort and clean bones.

I'm sort of an amateur
paleontologist.

I find it relaxes me.

Does that make me
death-obsessed or something?

I don't know.

I'm more interested
in what you left out.

I left something out?

Has anyone other than you
ever lived there?

Man I almost married.

What happened?

We didn't get married.

Was that a painful experience?

I have to say it was.

And now you live alone.

In the dark.

What about John?

He leaves the lights on.

Did you live together?

No.

Did you
discuss it?

We didn't.

Did you
consider it?

Here and there.

Would you have married him?

Possibly.

And had
a family?

Thank God we didn't.

The idea of little spooksters
running around

mumbling into
their sneaker phones.

Do you want children?

Sure.

And now the idea
seems less possible.

Colonel?

Let's go there.

No. You're going to
need to at some point.

Well, I've been very
successful at avoiding it,

thank you very much.

Now, if only
you could sleep.

Better to talk about it in
a place where you can feel safe.

Well, that isn't here.

Where, then?

This isn't easy.

I understand.

Recently I had surgery

to find out
why I was having back pain.

Any pain at all?

It's gone.

That's
great news.

Does this... does this improve
my chances of conceiving?

Not likely.

No, maybe I didn't make
myself clear last time.

No, no,
you did.

It's just that
I thought maybe the, um,

the pain might
be related to, uh...

Your endometriosis
is advanced, Colonel.

I did what I could,

but your fallopian tubes,
ovaries and uterus

were all compromised.

But if you were able
to remove the lesions

in my lower intestine...

It's a simpler procedure.

You talked about
some kind of medication.

I really think
we've explored the options

with regards to fertility.

Conception is not possible?

Your chances are small.

How small?

Less than five percent.

I'm sorry, Colonel.

Is your doctor's office
in this complex?

Give yourself a point.

Did you just come here
from her office?

Two points.

Why didn't you ask her
for sleep medication?

I was about to, but she got
called into emergency surgery.

So you came to me.

You know, you could be
our big jackpot winner.

Do you consider
this behavior clever

or can you
just not help yourself?

What do you want to know?

Have you given up
on the idea of conceiving?

You think?

Do you resent me
for having a child?

I hope not.

Well...

Maybe if you tried
to focus on the positive.

Yeah, approximately the odds
of being struck by lightning.

But a chance nonetheless.

Physicians don't like
absolutes, Commander.

It embarrasses them
when they're wrong,

and to be perfectly
cynical about it,

it hikes the
damage amount

on their malpractice suits.

Bottom line, I'm infertile.

And how do you feel about that?

I'm considering a cat.

Hello.

Hello, is this Harmon Rabb?

This is he.

Sir, MacKenzie's been injured
in an accident.

Bear with me.
Hold on.

I understand your
reaction, Colonel.

Do you?

You've been
betrayed

by someone
you trusted.

You've discovered
you can't conceive.

Traumatic stuff,

paralyzing even.

I'm not paralyzed.

You characterize it, then.

Stuff is coming up.

What stuff?

The past, things I've done,
haven't done.

Are you regretful?

To an extent.

What do you
regret?

Waiting too long.

To have a child?

With the right guy.

Would that have been
your first husband?

No. God, no.

Dalton?

No.

Your fianc�?

None of them.

So, the right guy didn't appear.

Maybe I wasn't
really looking.

Do you tend to be attracted
to the wrong man?

My history
certainly bears it out.

Did someone tell you that?

Harm is a big proponent
of this theory.

I'm getting familiar
with that name.

It's hard to have
a conversation about my life

without talking about him.

Are the two of you involved?

In ways you can't imagine.

Try me.

We've been dancing
around a relationship

for eight years.

Is he the guy
you've been waiting for?

I wish I had a dollar
for every time

I've asked myself that question.

What's been
keeping you apart?

Me.

Him.

Did you ever consider
having a child with Harm?

We made a deal

that if, in five years,
neither of us had children...

...we'd make it happen.

A backup plan.

That was the idea.

I wonder if,
by hedging your bets,

you weren't, in some way,

expecting things
not to work out.

That's too subconscious for me.

Then look at
it this way.

Because of your age,

five years increased the odds
against your getting pregnant.

Why pick
that number?

Harm picked it.

But you chose not to revise it.

Couldn't you have made it

two years,
even one?

Five seemed right.

Your doctor told
you that women

who conceive early forestall
the onset of endometriosis.

Do you have a purpose in trying
to make me feel guilty?

I'm just encouraged
you're feeling something.

Did you tell Harm?

I had to.

The five years were up.

I'm so sorry, Mac.

How are you handling it?

With difficulty.

Well, you did a hell of a job
of burying it.

It's the admiral's night.

Any thoughts?

Timing.

I've probably been
this way for a while.

You know,
if you think about it...

it doesn't change things.

What do you mean?

There are other ways.

You...

You're talking
about adoption?

In vitro fertilization,
surrogacy,

donor eggs...

It doesn't matter to
you how it happens?

It matters that it happens

between the two of us.

I'm tired of looking in
on your life, Mac.

I want to be a part of it.

I can't do it.

You turned him down?

He brought it up
less than 12 hours

after learning
of John's death.

Maybe it was his way of
helping you get past it.

My point.

The moment suddenly became
about the two of us.

Because I needed him,

I became vulnerable
to his need for me.

You felt he was trying
to possess you?

He'd been insinuating

that John
wasn't the answer for me.

Which turned out to be true.

He seemed to have an agenda.

Harm is the court-appointed
guardian of a teenage girl

who had been moving

towards a reconciliation
with her father,

and I thought that he
was anticipating losing her.

So you felt offended

because he was needy.

More the impulse that he had

towards filling his own void
so quickly.

See, that, I think,

is what has always bothered me
about our relationship-

how self-absorbed
it makes us.

So, you didn't trust
your history with him,

yet you brought him
into your confidence.

He's my closest friend.

What were your expectations?

I just wanted him to be there
for me in an appropriate way.

I wasn't looking
for a replacement.

Under the circumstances,
was that realistic?

Probably not.

Sounds like your thinking
was confused.

I wasn't thinking.

I was reacting.

Has that served
you in the past?

No.

Then why
didn't you allow yourself

the time to consider it?

Harm asked me
almost the exact same thing.

Having a child with you
is not going to solve anything.

It'll push us forward.

I don't want
to be pushed anywhere.

I have a lot to deal with;
so do you.

Mattie is not an issue, Mac.

It's that simple-
you can just move on?

No, it's not simple,
but I can move on.

She's talking to her dad now.

They-They're sharing things.

I, more than anyone,
should be able to understand it.

So I'm okay.

Even though someone you know
just died?

Yeah.

Is that why you've shown
no sadness or regret

or anything?

I've been concentrating
on what you were feeling.

I'm not taking
this lightly, Mac.

I know Clay and I
had our differences,

and I also know

whenever I needed him,
he was there for me.

I know he was my friend,

and I'm going to miss him.

I'm going to miss
the way you looked

when you talked about him.

He made you
feel good,

and, uh, up until now,

it's more than I've
been able to do.

Mac, look,
no pressure.

Let's just see.

All right,
let me look

into the possibility.

Did he?

Yes.

And what came of that?

Nothing. I wasn't ready.

And how did he respond?

He gave me space.

Is that what you wanted?

Not exactly.

I wanted him
to make my pain go away.

And you made him go away
instead.

You can't always get
what you want.

When you were in crisis
in your other relationships,

who did you go to?

Do I really need to say it?

Every time?

Mm-hmm.

Do you believe
he'll ever abandon you?

No.

Then, regardless
of your choices, isn't Harm

the one you've always intended
to be with?

Then why aren't I?

Perhaps you're biding your time.

No.

I ran out of time.

Do you always expect
the worst from life, Colonel?

I'm not answering
that question.

Why?

Because I'm feeling
manipulated.

This is what I hate
about therapists.

Why does everyone
who's ever talked to a therapist

have to have some overarching,
lifelong dysfunction?

They don't.

Yeah, but that's the way
it always plays out.

How much therapy have you had?

Hardly any,

but I've talked to those
who have had a lot,

and they think that they're
products of their pasts,

which makes them assume

that they don't have
to take any responsibility

or have any free will
for their own problems.

"So I'm so sorry
I screwed up,

but my dad was a drunk. "

Was your dad a drunk?

I was giving you an example
of what I meant.

It doesn't make the question
irrelevant.

This is what I mean.

It is too easy to fit the pieces
where you want them to go.

Did your father
have a problem with alcohol?

Yes.

And are you using it
as an excuse?

No.

Then how am I manipulating you?

You have no intention

of writing me that prescription,
do you?

No, Colonel.

I would have if you hadn't
revealed your alcoholism.

I won't, as a rule,
prescribe medication

to those with a history
of substance abuse.

On the other hand,

I don't believe you have
any intention of leaving here

until you've talked things out.

So, who's
manipulating whom?

I don't know,

but it doesn't matter
because I am leaving.

Thanks.

One last question.

Why do you

always choose

to be alone?

Can you tell me
what you were feeling?

More than I intended.

That, Colonel, is grief.

I just realized

what a beautiful day it is...

was.

Welcome to the moment.

Yeah, I've been
preoccupied.

For good reason.

Did I make you miss
your daughter's thing?

My husband's
taping it.

Was it a party
or something?

Piano recital.

I'm sorry.

Don't apologize.

Just stop resisting.

I want to be able
to help you,

as I would
any patient.

Mm, I'm back to being
a patient now, am I?

You're the one who
chose to return.

I must need you.

You just need
to know how you feel.

I'm getting clearer.

For example?

I've always wanted
to carry a child.

Raising one is not enough.

Why?

There's an attorney
I work with.

His, uh, wife used
to run the office.

They have two children, and
she's pregnant with twins.

She just left JAG to
become a full-time mom,

and I thought she
was having misgivings

about putting
off her career.

So I visited her, and
I asked her about it.

She admitted that she
missed her job, but...

...it couldn't hold a candle
to having a child.

She said that being
pregnant was...

...was a spiritual
experience for her,

like collaborating
with God.

And then,

she showed me a picture
of her latest ultrasound.

I had never seen one before.

The fetuses were positioned
in a way

that looked
like they were praying.

It took my breath away.

I've never created anything.

And now that option is gone.

Theoretically.

You must play the lottery.

I don't, actually,

but I think those who do,

in a small way,

are rejecting
the notion of limitations.

You want
to create something?

Create opportunities.

Or at least embrace
those available to you.

Harm.

You've got a history
to overcome.

Hmm.

But two of his suggestions,
if they worked,

could result
in pregnancy.

It's too late.

Not yet.

I haven't told you everything.

Hey.
I was gonna say

I was in the neighborhood
and thought I'd stop by,

but, um, there's nothing
in your neighborhood.

You want to talk?

That would be good.

Can it wait until the morning?

You busy?

Well, w-we were about
to sit down.

Oh, I thought
Mattie was with her dad.

She is.

Hey, Colonel.

I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to butt in,

but the timer just went off.

Oh, uh, hang on
one second.

Why don't you come in?

No, no, um, you guys
enjoy your meal.

Are you sure?

Yeah, I was just
in the neighborhood, so...

Okay.

Um,

tell him I'll call him later.

Did you call him?

No.

Why not?

He was making dinner
for another woman.

He didn't want
to talk to me.

Well, that's an
assumption, isn't it?

He could have been heating
up a pizza for all you know.

He could have said that
he would talk to me later,

but what he said was
he'd call me the next day.

Did he?

I don't know.

I left early.

You have no direct evidence
that he slept with this woman.

No.

So, why go down that road?

There are no stop signs.

Stop, Colonel.

When did this happen?

Last night.

What did you want to
talk to him about?

Why I couldn't sleep.

Thought he might have
some answers.

Are you angry with him?

No.

He has every right
to give up on me.

This is the second time
I knocked on his door

after waiting too long.

What if he still
does want you?

He doesn't.

He's moved on.

In ways, actually, I admire.

Such as?

His relationship with Mattie
has helped him grow.

It's hard to admit,
but in some ways,

I think he's passed me.

So catch up.

I'm not sure
I know where to start.

Why do you believe
John deceived you?

Was it because he
didn't care about you?

I assume so.

Was that true?

When I think about it,

it's hard to imagine.

So maybe the answer
is more complicated.

If I could look
at the big picture,

there were probably lives
at stake.

U.S. servicemen.

Maybe John sacrificed
your relationship

for what he considered
to be the greater good.

But he could have made me
part of it.

He didn't have to leave me out.

Maybe he didn't feel safe
enough to include you

in the
first place.

Ah, you're saying
he didn't trust me?

Maybe not enough.

He's a spook.

He doesn't trust anyone.

He trusted his mother.

But he still betrayed me.

No doubt.

But if I could have
that conversation ever again,

I would probably
ask different questions.

Maybe you can.

Oh, he's gone.

I will never see him again.

Well, you'll
definitely see Harm.

I'm not looking forward to that.

Why not? I thought you
wanted to bring him closer.

It's too late.

Really?

Well, what are your chances?

Put a number on it.

About the same as my chances
of getting pregnant.

Less than five percent.

Well, that's not zero.

Well, 96% of me says it is.

All right,

think of me
as your loan officer.

I am offering you a
four percent return

on your personal
investments,

a satisfying conclusion to
your former relationship,

a bright outlook
on a future one,

a shot at having a family.

It's better than a T-bill.

Throw in the toaster,
and I'm in.

I have to go.

So do I.

Do you need a
ride somewhere?

Uh, no.
I have my car,

but thank you.

I hope your daughter
understands.

I'll make it up to her.

Think you'll sleep tonight?

I don't know.

Stay positive.

Why not?

Maybe I'll leave
the lights on.

Inhalation therapist,
call 1614...

Hey.

What happened?

I, um...

I wasn't paying
attention,

and I took a
curve too fast.

I'm sorry, Mac.

How did you know?

Well, you were, uh...

You were repeating my name.

One of the paramedics called.

He, uh... he looked
in your PDA, got my number.

You're up. Good.

Hello.

Are you related
to our patient?

A friend.

Ah.

Well, she is very fortunate.

No broken bones
or internal injuries,

and the airbag bruise
on your face

should fade
in three to five days.

But my car was totaled.

I shouldn't have even survived.

Merry Christmas.

That's great.

It's amazing.

I'm gonna stay here tonight.

Did you go to the wall yet?

I'll go to the wall
next year.

I've been pushing you away.

Yeah, you have.

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

You had to, uh,
figure some things out.

I understand.

Look...

Mac...

Nothing's changed,
I'm still here.

Let's just enjoy
the good news.

Be happy.

You're alive.

You know what makes
the news better?

We both are.

To all our friends and family
and loved ones back home,

we just all want
to get together and say...

Happy holidays!

Ooh-rah!