Original subtitles

'Good afternoon everybody.

Welcome aboard the 15:05 from St Pancras to Nottingham.

I would like to take this opportunity to welcome you onboard

and wish you all a very merry Christmas.'

♪Merry Christmas - Everyone ♪

No, no, no, no. Not that way, love.

Not that way. Down here.

Good morning, good morning.

Ooh. Hey, d'you want some bubbly?

Sue! Come on.

We're gonna have some bubbly.

They don't do champagne, do they?

They do for Tony Towers.

Here y'are, love.

Can you give us a hand with those there?

Hey, d'you like clubbing?

What? Any weeknight, week night.

Bring this card, tell 'em Tony Towers sent you.

Right, now, everyone...

..who wants to join us for champers? You're all welcome.

Ooh, yes! How many? Yes?

One, three, four, five, six, seven... Tony.

What? What? Tony.

We're gonna have champagne, we're gonna have, er...

What's it... Now That's What I Call Music 5!

Tony, stop it. Stop it! What?! We're celebrating!

Sorry about this. He's just a little over excited.

Don't worry, we'll keep it down.

Oi, you!

Sue! Get off!

Right, let's get this party started, eh?!

Oh, Tony, where you going? They're getting on any minute.

I'll be back before Luton.

But I feel nervous, Tone.

Sue.

Darling.

What you gotta be nervous about?

After what Roger did to me,

he's the one who should be nervous.

Listen,

don't you worry your pretty little head about it.

OK.

Tell you what.

What?

You and me... Hmm.

..can have a little look around Tiffany's when

we're back. It's too much, Tone.

OK, Ratners. I don't need any more presents!

What, you don't like 'em?

It's just sometimes,

it feels like you're showing me off.

Well, what's wrong with that?

You're beautiful. Mmm.

And you're gonna be the new Mrs Tony Towers.

People are interested in what I do.

But we're gonna have a family.

We... we're gonna what?

Well, not right now.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Well, at least I thought we were.

No, right now's probably not the perfect... what?

You know I wanna have ten kids.

Christ! Are we having a family or playing five-a-side?

And I wanna live in Norfolk.

Oooh, that's a commute.

And I want us to wear chunky jumpers and drink soup.

Now that we can do.

I'll be two minutes.

Honestly, I'm not going anywhere.

I'll be here.

Oh, Sue, sorry. D'you- d'you mind sitting here?

I just-

don't like going backwards.

Yeah.

Only for you.

Mwah.

Right, champagne for everyone!

Merry Christmas.

Tickets?

I'm just nipping to the buffet.

Oh, good for you, where's your ticket?

Really?

I'm only gonna be two...

..what?

There was-I had...

My fiancée must have them.

Oh, your fiancée.

Yeah, we're tying the knot in June.

Congratulations. Look, I'm...

..I'm Tony Towers.

Good for you. Now where's your ticket?

I'm famous.

Are you now?

Tell him who I am.

You what? She'll tell you who I am.

I recognise ya.

See?

Are you a carpet fitter?

What?

No, you sell shammies on Bulwell market!

No! I'm... No!

I'm- I'm Tony Towers!

The Astoria in Nottingham!

The what? What's that phrase,

'you're only famous if someone knows who you are'.

Well, we don't know who you are.

It's the biggest club in the midlands.

Where is it again?

Listen, you like music, er...

..Morris. What- what music d'you like?

I like metal.

You play metal at this club? Not so much.

'Luton is your next stop.

Next stop, Luton.' Look, she's waiting for me,

I- I just gotta get...

Look, my fiancée has never met my brother or his wife.

She's nervous, I just need two minutes

to get to the buffet.

Now, come on, Morris, you're a reasonable man.

You've got tinsel on your head.

The full adult fare is eighteen pounds ninety.

Really? You're really gonna do thi-

Merry Christmas.

Sue, have you seen my tickets?

They were in my wallet... Is that them?

Is that Roger? No, he's ginger.

I can't find... Ginger? How'd that happen?

That's them.

How did they know to stand right there?

Yeah, well, that's Roger for you.

I can't get to the buffet without the tickets.

Oh, Tony, I'm shaking.

It's fine, where are they?

Er, in your wallet?

No, I've looked there!

Are they in your bag?

You won't believe this, Sue. There's a girl,

in the next carriage,

never heard of m- this is crazy!

I need them to get the bubbly!

Oh, Tony. Forget about your silly champagne!

I'm freaking out here!

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry,

I'm sorry. It's alright.

Shhh.

Everything alright?

What d'you mean? I assume this is Sue.

Oh, I was just about to introduce... Well, bit slow aren't you Tony?

I'm Paula. Hello.

Roger's somewhere behind this. Sorry.

I wonder who bought you this?

Don't start. Lovely to meet you. Shouldn't I put it next to

my present from Auntie Vi? Oh, here we go.

Hang on a minute, I can't do that because I've already packed it

right at the bottom of my suitcase.

You know about this? No.

Tone seems to think that our Auntie Vi always bought me better presents.

There hasn't been a single... 'Seems to think'?!

One year he gets a guitar.

I get a pineapple.

It's hard to get back then.

Are you two going to sit down? A pineapple.

Thirty years ago,

and he's still going on about it.

Oh, sorry, Paula. I was- d'you mind-

I was gonna be sitting there. Tone, don't.

I don't like going backwards. Just sit down.

Wow.

I like her already.

It's lovely jewellery.

Oh, thank you.

Been splashing out, Tone?

Well, things are certainly busy.

Got six new clubs opening.

Six?

He's got six new clubs opening. Gotta be ambitious, Roger.

I've always told you that.

Six, though? And we're upgrading Nottingham.

Ten thousand square feet,

five minutes from Market Square.

What about Gary De Courcey's place?

Gone.

What? Fire.

Oh. You're kidding.

I'm not.

Why's that so funny?

Well, nightclubs never 'burn down'.

It's always an insurance job. Always.

Well, even with Gary gone,

I still think it's a bit much, Tone.

Well, if you beg me...

..I might just let you come back.

Aw.

Oh, no, no. That- that's really not gonna happen Tony.

I'm very happy.

He's gonna try and convince you now that he's still in show business.

I'm in the music business.

Oh yeah? Hardly.

What do you do, Roger? Those headphones that broke

ten minutes after you bought 'em? I work for Saisho.

Ask him what part of Japan that's from.

It's Dixon's own brand- Stevenage.

That well known suburb of Tokyo. Listen, Tony.

When he stops selling five million personal stereos a year,

he'll give you a call, alright?

Oh, oh, cheers, Sue!

Oh, what? It's funny.

I really like her.

Huh. Right, I'm getting that bubbly. What?

He wants to celebrate our engagement.

If only I could find the-

tickets.

You a bit strapped for cash, Tony?

Fine, thank you, Paula. You're not gonna bail him out again,

are you? It's OK, I'm good.

I don't quite know how to put this, Sue.

But, er, you do know Tony likes to tap people-

Paula, will you just...!

What?

You in a bit of trouble, Tone? No, why?

You asked him to come back. I didn't ask him.

Six clubs is a bit crazy. I said if you begged me.

How much you borrowing? It was gonna be eight clubs.

Rubbish.

I know this is hard for you to accept, Roger.

But I'm doing perfectly well without you.

I'm just concer- Well, I don't need your concern.

I've managed to keep that club going perfectly well

despite the fact that you left me in the shit.

OK. Champagne.

Oh my God, it's Tony Towers.

It's not, is it?

He looks like a tramp!

Alright, girls?

Bye-bye.

What's going on?

You talk to him. I'm not talking him.

I ain't talking to him! You talk to him!

The buffet car- the bar. Is it- is it this way?

I think he's had enough already.

Don't be shy, I don't bite!

Tony's a pervert! Hey!

Come on, now! Let's all be nice.

Right, I'm- I'm Tony.

We know.

This happens to me all the time. I get it.

I get it, it's exciting.

What?

She recognised ya,

I don't recognise ya.

She's quite a bit older than me.

Piss off.

There's only three years diff-

Now look what you made me do, you silly cow.

Are we at thirty-two already?

Alright, alright.

Alright, listen, you two.

You have a good night, OK?

'Bedford. Your next station stop is Bedford.'

'Hello?'

'Yeah, OK.'

'Nottingham.'

'Yeah, OK.'

'Five. Five o'clock.'

Yeah, OK.

Five, alright. Thank you.

'Bye.'

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Oh, God! Are you alright?

Mate, mate, are you alright?!

God, he looks like death warmed up.

It, it's OK Tony, we're only having a bit of fun.

Yeah, we weren't taking the piss, honest.

He was right.

Who- who was right?

Roger.

They all failed.

Alright, look. I'll tell you what...

..um, everyone just back up, yeah?

Let's just give him some space.

You gonna be alright?

OK, OK. OK.

Slow it down, Tony. Slow it...

Alright.

Think this through a minute.

Mate, come have a sit down.

This some sort of joke, is it?

Having a good laugh, are we?

Turn Tony Towers into a failure?

Oh, hilarious.

Well, you know what?

That ain't gonna happen.

Tony Towers don't fail.

Tony! You did it!

What did I tell ya! Champagne all round!

Here y'are, have that.

Enjoy. Merry Christmas.

Am I not a man of my word?

Here y'are, have a box.

Listen, Tony.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to.

It came out all wrong... Come back.

What? You're right. Six clubs is stupid.

I walked out, Tony. You're what I need.

You're my- you're my Phil Spector. You're my Tony Visconti.

That's very nice of you to say bu- It'd be different this time.

Tell me what I did wrong.

You really want to know? Yes.

You never gave me credit, for one.

You called it Tony Towers Astoria,

even though we agreed to call it the Mighty Towers.

And you said we were gonna go fifty-fifty.

I'll make it sixty-forty.

It's a different business now, Tony.

Foam parties, wet t-shirts, it's- it's- it's not me.

If the clubs don't work,

that's it.

The house,

everything.

Look, let- let's not kid ourselves.

This was always your thing-

I'm serious, Rodge.

When you're there,

it works.

Just look at the business plan.

Sure.

But I can tell you right now what I'm gonna say.

What?

Just open one new club.

Where you going?

I'll be back in a sec.

Anthony?

Auntie Vi!

Oh!

Come here, my dear.

How lovely to see you! Oh!

Your mum said you might be home for Christmas.

How you holding up?

Fine.

I was sorry to hear your news.

You were?

You must be devastated.

Sure.

Which parts...

..do you know?

Your mum told me everything.

She did? Yes.

And what did- what did she say?

She said you were doing as well as could be expected.

Well,

it's been...

..difficult.

Yes.

Have you spoken to...

To?

Anyone?

Like who?

Someone who could listen.

Not really.

Oh, you should.

I will.

I passed it, last week.

You did? In a taxi.

Right, how is it?

It's horrible, Anthony.

I know.

All that work you put into it. Yes.

And what with the recession and that.

Right. And now just gone.

Gone.

Did they ever find the cause?

The cause?

Electrics or...?

Or?

Oh, I do hope someone didn't start it on purpose.

Ah.

The fire.

Such a waste.

I mean, what are the chances of both clubs going up like that?

Slim, yeah.

Oh,

your thing's going.

You don't deserve it, Anthony.

On top of everything else.

Everything else?

You know,

with Sue.

Sue?

That was very unfair.

She seemed so nice.

But that girl, I think she had a plan all along.

Really?

I think some people see an opportunity and take it.

You probably don't want to hear this, Anthony.

But I've always thought you were a little too trusting of people.

People take what they want

and then they disappear.

Just like that.

You need to think of yourself, Tony.

About what you want.

Because nobody else is going to.

OK, I will.

I always said that to your brother.

Now I'm telling you.

Wait, is Roger on the train?

I doubt it.

Why?

He doesn't take the train anymore.

No?

Doesn't have the time.

Course.

'Cause he travels by...

Helicopter.

Mostly.

Course he does.

Sony keep him very busy.

Oh, I'm sure they do. Yeah, yeah.

Let me take a wild guess,

that one's for him?

What do you mean?

No, no, it's-

it's just a stupid joke me and Roger used to make.

I was always convinced that you got him better presents than me.

I'm sure there's nothing in it.

I don't know if you remember, but, er,

You got me a pineapple...

Auntie, wh-what's wrong?

I was never very good at all that, Anthony.

I wasn't your mother.

It was only a present.

Just wasn't me.

It's fine!

I love pineapple.

Look, have a- have a tissue.

I'm sorry.

I was too scared.

Auntie!

Auntie Vi!

Scared of what-

♪Stop The Cavalry ♪

..limited range so the songs had to be simple.

Tone Deaf Tony, I used to call him.

Tony, you never told me you two had a band together.

Well, it was a very long time ago.

Sue, can I have wor- Look what else I found.

Our first and only recording.

You had a single?! Well, sort of.

It was this booth.

They had one at Waterloo station.

You had sixty-five seconds to record anything you liked.

I suppose you could say this is a limited edition.

Limited to one.

We thought we were a skiffle band!

I have no idea what that is. Well, we weren't brilliant.

We had enthusiasm and that's about it.

Speak for yourself. And only four songs.

Four good songs. Hmm.

Those the ones you tried to sing?

What d'you mean 'tried' to sing?

What, are you not into his music?

I like some of it. Oh,

that's a ringing endorsement. I like music from my own gen...

Oh, no, don't say it. Don't say it! I like chart music.

This is what I'm dealing with.

That's not what I call music!

Sue, could I have a word?

Oh, yeah.

What is it? What's wrong?

Sue, what...

..why d'you like me?

Tony, what d'you mean?

Well, what, what are the things that you like about me.

Everything. Yeah, I'm, I'm serious.

What is it?

I'm fun, I'm- I'm successful.

Are you fishing for compliments? No, no, no, no.

I just mean, you know, if, if things were different, if,

if things...

..changed. If I changed...

Why? What's happened? I lost all this.

Lets say I had nothing.

Are you trying to make out like I'm shallow?

Not really. Like all I care about is

jewellery and coats. I just wanna know what you want.

Is that what you think of me? To tell the truth, I hardly know ya.

Tony.

How can you say that? We're getting married.

Do you know what that means?

Yeah, I've done it before.

And did you ask Linda these questions?

No, because Linda and I should never have got married.

We did it because we had to.

She thinks I ruined her life, she's turned my son against me.

I haven't seen him for five years.

You haven't seen him for five years? I know why he's angry.

I- I- I don't know what Linda's told him.

What, she's lying to him?

Well...

..she, she, you know, she's-

she's probably embellishing it a bit.

Embellishing what?

Uh, when...

..you know what I'm like.

What the hell does that mean? Was like. Was like.

I worked in nightclubs, Sue. Things were...

What?

Exciting.

Hm.

You still work in nightclubs.

I'm just telling you how it was, I'm being honest.

You think I want that to happen - again? - I don't know Tony.

You tell me. You've got six new clubs opening.

How 'exciting' is that gonna be? They're all gonna fail, Sue.

What? All of them.

And you're gonna end up married

to a loser, who's old, and broke.

So let me ask you again,

why d'you like me? Tony, Tony, Tony.

I wouldn't blame you, Sue. Tone.

You know what, if I fail- Tony, I love you.

(And I want to marry you.

All this crap, I don't want any of it.

Sell it, I don't care.

And you are not a loser.

And I'm here for you whatever,

whether it's a success or not.

But you have to promise me one thing.

What?

All the excitement you need is right here.

Get a room.

Now,

you make those clubs work.

But I need Roger.

Well then persuade him. Nah, it's too late for that.

I've tried. Try harder.

There's gotta be a way.

I don't like going backwards.

You what?

Tony, where you going?

Girls?

♪ Carols singing

♪ Bells are ringing

♪ Santa Claus... ♪

Dad, it's your go.

Ugh, this game, it's taking longer than the real War.

Where've you been?

Even a Nazi has to take a leak, Linda.

Dad, are you playing?!

Roger, can I have a word?

I'm in the middle of game.

For goodness sake, Tony. Can't you see he's upset. Just roll the dice.

Seven. Um.

Tony, that's my piece. Can you not touch that?

Girls, d'you wanna take over?

Roger, have you got a sec? No. Move!

No, Dad! Don't ruin it!

We don't want to play.

Dad, please. Tony, you're gonna make him cry.

Can you please move. OK, OK, OK. Um...

Dad, you're doing it wrong!

Jesus Christ, Tony. What is the matter with you?

Tony! Dad, no!

What?

Put him in solitary confinement.

Have I? He's only ten.

You could've come after me.

Why d'you have to win at everything?

This game's stupid!

Oh, Sean! Hey, hey, hey! I was just...

What, following orders?

We can play again! Sorry,

I don't know why he's acting like this.

Come on. Let's just put everything back where it was.

No, Tony. You can't just put it back and fix it, Tony. It's done.

I'm sorry, love.

I didn't realise. I-

honestly, I ma- I made a mistake.

Can we get that in writing?

What d'you want? D'you want some sweets?

Some chocolate.

Yeah? Alr... er, fruit and nut?

Er, Marathon?

Er, a Wispa bar?

What the hell is a Wispa bar?

OK, what d'you like?

He likes Aztec bars, Tony.

But you wouldn't know about that, would you?

Can you help me pick up the rest of the German security guards

off the floor, Tone?

Here.

We could use a few of these in the club.

Weekends, a lot of money in there.

Well, let's do it.

Really? Just do it.

This is not like you.

I want you to take more control, Rodge.

You what? What?

What's brought this on?

Nothing.

Club's doing well, that's down to Roger as much as me.

We're gonna be the new Tramps

before you know it.

So, it's time we, er, we clarified a few things.

I want people to know Roger's name as much as mine.

Hey, girls. You want your dad to be famous, don't you?

Tony, what are you doing?

It's the Mighty Towers, Rodge.

What d'you reckon?

You serious?

Fifty fifty. I mean it.

We can shake on it now.

In front of everyone.

Yeah, go on then, do it before he changes his mind.

OK.

Fifty fifty.

Bob on.

What are you up to, Tony?

Right, let's get that Aztec bar then, shall we?

Does you do cobs?

Oh, you are kidding me.

You did do cobs, didn't you? They do 'em on Southwest.

What about scotch eggs?

Eh? I'll take whatever you've got, mate.

See I don't have no snap, see.

Oh, some change f' t' phone!

I'm dying to try it. Please tell me I'm the first one.

It was originally designed for the APT, but,

ha, we all know what happened to that, don't we?

Even if we had had the advanced passenger train,

it wouldn'ta made any difference to me.

As it if was ever gonna come to Nottingham!

Nottingham?

You're from Nottingham?

Take the lad out of Sneinton,

but you can't take the Sneinton... What nightclub's are in Nottingham?

You what? You know, big nightclubs?

It's not really my thing, pal.

Er,

there's Gary De Courcey's place... No.

The Astoria?

Roger Towers.

You mean Roger Towers Astoria?

The Mighty Ta-ta-ta-ta.

Funny ads, them.

I've never been, myself. It's a massive place, apparently.

Actually, it's an old loco shed...

What about Tony?

Who? Tony Towers.

His brother.

Has he got a brother?

'Your next station is Wellingborough.

Wellingborough is your next stop.'

I'll just have them Mini Cheddars, and, er...

Can I have the rest of this in 10ps?

Hello?

What? I need to phone my wife.

Your wife?

Well, I don't really want to ring my wife.

I just want to try the new phone.

The what? That.

That's it, that's it. I'll take as many as you've got.

Right, hold these. Oh, hang on, I thought I was-

Right you have to keep pumping them in, you ready?

Could I go next? Sure. You ready?

Ready. Oh,

one, eight, double one, eight, oh,

five, five.

Go!

Hello! 'Hello?'

Hello?

'Hello?' Can you hear me?

'Hello?!' Is that Mrs Taylor? One sec.

Keep putting them in! 'Hello?'

Mrs Taylor!

'Hello?' Er, it's Tony.

'Who?' Tony Towers.

Um, is Sue there? 'Who?'

Sue. Sue Taylor. My fiancée.

Come on, hurry up! That's three quid already!

'Oh, Sue!' Sue Taylor!

'Yeah, she's not called Sue Taylor anymore, love.'

'She's Sue Pryce now.'

'Who is this?'

Hello?''

'Hello?'

'Who is this?'

Are you done?

Shall I stop?

She's not there, is she?

I've lost her.

We never meet.

You're mad! Don't do that!

You've gone mad!

I'll just have these Hula Hoops.

That's a Rumba bar.

He can't eat that, Tony. It's got rum in it.

Is that true?

But I wanted an Aztec Bar.

He asks you for one thing.

Let me have a look what I've got in my bag.

I'll have it if no one wants it.

Anyone?

Get your own.

Tony!

I'm sorry, I didn't know you wanted it.

Whoa.

Tony, what is the matter with you?

Dad! Tony, stop it.

And this is mine, too! Tony!

Roger, I'm so sorry...

Anything else of mine you want?

Come on, pal. Y-you're tired.

You've had a big day. I'm not tired!

And I don't need any help from you.

I thought we were gonna be partners? You're nothing, Roger.

You're nothing without me.

You're a parasite. You just-

you just suck out all my good ideas.

Oh, I'm Tony Towers!

Not you! I'm Tony Towers! Shhhh.

Tony, look at what you're doing.

Go and sell your crappy headphones.

What headphones? What you on about?

What have I done? Oh, nothing. But you will.

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Come on, girls. I think we should go sit somewhere else.

No, no, Paula, Tony should go.

Oh yeah, that's what you'd like. You what?

You're never gonna give me another chance, are ya?

No, not when you're acting like this. No.

Right, come on.

Doesn't matter how I act.

Doesn't matter what I say.

You've already made your mind up about me!

And who's fault is that? Sean.

You complicated this, Tony.

You did everything to ruin it.

Do you think I wanted this?

I never wanted any of this, Tony!

But the fact is, this is how it is.

And there is nothing we can do to change that.

You want a bet?!

There you are.

Where did you go?

What?

What is it?

You deserve a happier life, Linda.

Tony?

Tony?

Tony, what are you doing?

Ugh, I might've known you'd take that with out.

He never lets go of it.

You can't play it in the toilet.

That's the only place for it.

You know, don't think for a second that granddad will play it.

Best put it away, son. I mean, heaven forbid they find out

you spent your first wage packet on a record you can't even play.

That was a solid apprenticeship, Anthony.

You're not going to get anything like that again.

Two pound a week before tax?

He wants to be a singer.

He what? You want to be a what?

Trust me, son. You've got many talents. But you're no Mario Lanza.

Music's not a job.

You need a trade.

Well then why's he got a guitar?

Who? Who's got a what?

Why's Roger got a guitar from Auntie Vi?

Don't spoil it for him.

It's not much of a mystery.

He's only ten!

He's ruined it, Mum!

You're upsetting him, Anthony. Fine, I'll leave it then.

Next to... whatever that could be.

You know, I know for a fact that present was very hard to come by.

Yeah. Brought her to tears.

What's that?

What's he talking about?

She cried when I asked her about it.

Said she was scared or something.

Sh-she did what? When did you see Auntie Vi?

What did you ask her?

Why she gave Roger better presents.

You never asked her that?

When was this?

Why did she cry?

What?

Arthur, don't.

What's going on?

He is ten? He's too young, Arthur.

What is it? You just be quiet, mind.

There's something funny here. You won't half catch it in a minute!

Mum, what is it?

Roger, darling.

There are things,

adult things, things that we'll talk about

when you're a bit more grown up.

OK?

When? When you're older.

Fifteen, sixteen.

About Auntie Vi?

Perhaps, but we'll talk about it then.

About why she buys me nice presents?

Well, that's part of it.

But as I- as I say, you'll just have to wait.

I can't wait. Well you'll have to.

We're not talking about this anymore.

But Mum- Roger, we're not talking

about this now and that's final!

I think it's time, Celia.

Anthony,

wait in the corridor a minute please.

Kettering!

Next stop is Kettering!

Kettering!

That's great!

Hang on.

OK, go, wait, wait. Go back to the beginning.

♪ On the street

♪ Move your f...

♪ I got the desire... ♪

Wait, keep going.

Seagulls of love...

..of- above,

♪ Seagulls above- Wait, wait,

just give me that. Give me that.

It's not-

it's not bad.

There we go.

♪ See out on the street

♪ Moving your feet

♪ Got the desire

♪ So don't put out the fire

♪ Why do you cry

♪ When you look at the sky?

♪ Maybe we're fine

♪ A break in the clouds

♪ Seagull-

Wait, wait, wait, er...

Shall we make that 'eagles', like,

eagles of love.

Eagles of...? Yeah, sure.

Yeah. Eagles of Love, yeah.

♪ Eagles of love-

♪ Flying above

Eagles of love

Woo!

That was amazing.

Who wrote that?

He did. Er, no, we did.

It's beautiful. Amazing.

Well, I wrote the words actually.

Why don't you come and join us?

Er, are we allowed in here?

Absolutely not.

This is- I'm Ray Davies.

Yeah, and I'm Marc Bolan. Who?

Yeah, come and have a seat.

Thank you. Here you go. No worries.

Look at that. Look at that.

Better than a Soho trattoria.

Yeah, we're gonna need more plonk, hang on a minute.

Are they drunk already?

Wait, what's he doing? He's gonna make...

Roger, what you doing?

Hey, that's people's stuff. Roger!

Oh, hey!

Woo! Wah-hey!

Oi, pack it in, will ya?

Oi, you, you'll get us chucked off.

Who gives a shit? Bingo.

Here we go, girls.

Roger, you can't do that.

I do what I bloody well like.

Would Madame care for an aperitif?

Don't mind if I do. Wah-hey!

Tony, are you done yet? I could do with a hand.

Sorry, Valerie, do you wanna join us?

No, thank you, Roger.

Er, we got a bit carried away.

I can see that.

It's frightfully good here. Yeah, I know it's terribly Chelsea.

Tony, I'm on my own here.

I need the loo and Jenny's lost Perky.

Yeah, so you enjoy music, I take it, yeah?

Who are those ladies?

That's a very good question, Jenny.

I think we'd all like to know.

Well, they're friends of Rogers. You know what he's like.

I know what you're like.

Here you go, have a little bit of this.

Mum!

Are you going to find her toy, or what?

Look, I'm just, er- I'm gonna...

I'll be back. Oh, what a dreadful shame.

How am I possibly going to entertain these two on my own?

I'm sure you'll manage.

Listen to this, so-

This is what you were just singing? Is Uncle Roger coming?

Yeah, er, but we were just doing, let's sing-along.

No, your Uncle's busy.

♪ Out on the street

♪ Moving your feet

♪ Got the desire,

♪ Don't put out- ♪

Darling.

This guy,

I don't like this wimpy guy.

This interview is not good for you.

Don't talk to him, darling.

I get rid of him.

You, go now.

You change this train.

We hardly started.

No interview for you.

You don't like the single. It's- it's not about what I like.

You think it's shit. I like parts of it.

Why you compare us to the bloody Vumbers?!

Vumbers? Vumbers?

Vumbers. What are Vumbers?

Vumbers? Vumbers.

V-v-vumbers? Vumbers.

I'm sorry, I don't... Vumbers. Vumbers!

Remember you a vumber!

Oh! Er, Wombles?

Ja! Vumbers!

You think I'm a Womble?!

I- I never said that!

He wrote it, I can check it.

Well, I- I don't write the whole paper.

I'm not a Womble, mate! Look, I know!

I know you wanna be taken seriously, yeah.

But you've only had novelty success so far.

We sold twice as many as the Vumbers!

So, if- if you want credibility,

you're gonna have to talk to the music press.

Ja, but you twist it!

I will not twist it! I just...

..I just want some answers that make some sort of sense.

I can't use a word of this so far.

Tony is a genius.

Fine.

Then show me.

Tony.

Yeah.

We'll give you twenty minutes.

Good.

So, why don't you start

by helping me decipher some of these song lyrics.

Let's start with the hit.

The hit?

Mmm. Eagles of Love.

Right.

Well, um,

originally it was called Sea-

Ow!

Ha! Bulls eye!

Bloody hell.

Roger! What the hell?!

What bollocks has he been telling ya?

Nearly had me bleedin' head off.

Roger, you really lucky not to kill him!

Ahh, pull your knickers out your crack, Astrid. He's fine-

Hey, don't talk to her like that.

Roger, you sit next door. Tony's doing his interview.

No, no. He's got enough credit already.

What does that mean? Like you don't know.

You feel Tony doesn't speak for the band?

Course I don't!

This thing running? Yeah.

Whoa, careful.

Roger... Come on, Rodge. Come on now.

No, what, why? You getting nervous, are we, Tony?

Worried your secret might come out?

Whoops! Oooh, ooh, naughty Roger!

Slap on the wrist!

Go and sit on the naughty step! Maybe we should do this later.

That's what you'd like, isn't it? Roger, mate.

Honestly, I don't know what you're talking about.

Oohh, playing it like that, are we?

Roger, I'm not doing anything! Yeah!

That's exactly the problem right there!

I don't understand. Too right!

So you're saying Tony's not involved much in terms of creativity?

This twat couldn't play the wobble board.

You stop this interview now. No, no, no, no.

It's, it's alright, it's alright. I wanna hear it.

Whatever's wrong, Roger,

we can sort it out.

Yeah, not with a tape recorder!

You my shrink now?

You're upset. I can see that.

What is it?

You really want to open that can of worms, Tone?

Cos you know what's inside.

What?

Another can,

'brother'.

I just...

..I just wanna make this work, Rodge.

That's all I want.

OK, fine.

Let's do it!

Let's get into it. First, we need champagne.

No, Roger. No more with the booze.

Hey, you. Mr Pastry.

Champagne for the whole carriage! Come on, that's too much, Rodge.

See how nervous he gets at the sight of money.

Ask him why he lives in Guernsey.

I live in Guernsey? Ninety percent, I pay!

I'd be surprised if he pays two bob!

We find another day, we do this after Christmas.

No, Astrid!

We do this now!

That's just rude, Rodge. Come on, you're not like this!

This isn't you!

You don't know the first thing about what I'm like.

Have a question, chief?

Um, well, there's, er, there's been some, er- er,

uncertainty, rumours, actually... Oh?!

..here, about the band. Ooh!

Regarding your performances, um... Yeah!

..you- you've had many TV appearances.

Top of the Pops, Crackerjack,

and so forth. Crackerjack, yeah.

Um, but there wasn't any mention of the band ever

singing live.

Ohhh!

Wonder why that is?!

Why do you think that is, Tone?

Tony's voice is very delicate.

Oh, that's right. That's right.

Tony's voice is so delicate-

write it down.

It's so unique to have Tony's style,

Tony's charisma,

and Tony's singing voice all in one amazing package.

I mean, imagine if I could sing, for example.

That just wouldn't work, would it?

Who'd want to listen to a boring twat like me?!

OK, that's enough now. But Tony,

Tony has it all.

Go on Tony...

..give us a little tune.

I'm sure we'd all like to hear it.

Wait, you can't do that.

Oh, it's alright, Astrid. He won't use the tape.

Of course I'm gonna use the tape. Trust me, he won't.

How do you know?

Where's he going?

Is he saying what I think he's saying?

Definitely not.

Well, what- what d'you think he's saying?

I suppose,

he's suggesting...

..that it's not actually you that's singing.

What the-

Oh my God!

Champagne for everyone!

And?

Tony, are you with us?

Eh?

Is there something wrong?

I, um...

Well, just start from the top.

From what?

You say,

"Well, I've had an absolutely delightful trip..."

Well, I've had an absolutely delightful trip.

Lovely!

Walking forward.

Carry on!

And thanks to the advanced passenger train's unique design...

Wiggling the model...

You what?

Oh! Um...

Er, we've been travelling at an average speed of 100mph.

Then to the breakfast table.

And sit.

Er, but my coffee cup

hasn't spilt a drop.

And you go to take a drink.

Er, but don't take a drink.

What? Yeah.

And that's the basic shape of it.

Tristan, I'm just, er, wondering if Tony's shorts are bit short.

Er, Tony. Er, we've got to make a little change.

Bernard!

I don't know whose idea it was to sit you opposite Bella Emberg.

You come with me, my dear.

I think I've found a perfect spot for you.

I don't suppose you have this problem with radio!

Anyway, I think you're going to be very pleased with the replacement.

I'm so excited!

Yeah, so am I. I was only planning to watch,

I promise you. It's OK.

Look, I'm shaking.

Hold my hand, please.

Don't worry, you'll be fine.

So, what we doing after this?

What d'you mean?

Well, everyone's talking about going to your club.

Sure.

So that's me going home then?

Why?

Well, you're not gonna let me in, are ya?

Course I will!

Really? Yeah!

Really?! Yeah!

Thank you so much!

Sorry, Tony. Just wondering if the shorts are a bit short?

Um... I don't know,

d'you think they look alright?

Well, they just look a bit... short.

I think they look great.

Yeah, OK. D'you think?

They're better than the ones you had in the other ad.

Listen, Tony.

Er, we need to make an incy wincey change to the script.

That bit about the APT travelling faster

than twice the legal limit of a car on a motorway...

..well, sandy pointed out, might not be appropriate given recent events?

Recent events? And with a date set

for the court case,

it's probably best to avoid any potential overlap.

How d'you mean?

Obviously we all wish your brother the very best...

Roger? ..we can't in any way

associate this campaign with what happened.

I'm sure you'll understand.

We'll just snip that bit out, shall we?

OK. OK.

What- what... what happened?

'Your next station is Market Harborough.

Market Harborough your next stop.'

Are you OK?

What, er, I'm fine, I'm fine.

You're taking it all very well.

I don't know what's going on.

None of us do.

I love you.

What?

I love you, Dad.

Whoa. Whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa. Er, To-To-To-Tony.

Is there something wrong?!

I heard he was difficult.

Widow Twankie? What?

You do realise this is bullshit?

They better be paying you a shitload cos you look like a knobhead, Tone.

Sorry to say it, but it's true.

You're a serious artist, mate.

Not Danny La bloody Rue.

What we need to do is get back out there.

Get some of the old material released.

We recorded some gems back then.

There's this guy I knew, right.

Alan, his name is.

Mainly does plumbing at the moment, but he's proper loaded.

I told him about the music we did together

and he said he might wanna release some of it.

Just gotta get all of the shitting master tapes.

Anyway, point is,

Alan's not gonna take us seriously

if you're twanking off in crap like this.

What's that on your leg?

Oh. Ha. That.

That's a pain in the arse, that's what that is.

Why do they have to make these things so ugly?

Pattie made an amazing cover that said,

"An hard act to follow"...

but, the probation officer said it interfered with the signal.

Mum's installed a base station over Christmas.

Just another thing that's freaking her out.

I mean, she's an old woman, Tone.

She doesn't need all this.

Is she OK?

Course not, and all this bollocks they've been saying.

It's the last thing she needs.

Like what?

That I went to rehab.

So what?

It's boring, everyone goes to rehab these days.

So I sacked it off and did it myself.

So did Pattie. Piece of piss eighteen months.

Cheers. Done. Move on. What's next?

Anyway, you heard about the festival?

Er, what?

We're doing a festival this summer. Well, maybe next summer.

Anyway, we got a line-up planned. You wouldn't believe.

So...

..how old was Hendrix when he died?

Er, twenty-seven.

Exactly. Joplin.

Brian Jones.

Jim Morrison.

Buddy Holly.

I don't think Buddy Holly was...

Kurt Cobain.

Who? We get bands.

Good bands. You know, bands we like.

To pretend they're twenty-seven again,

and do a set, exactly as they woulda done back then.

Rick Wakeman in a gold cape.

Peter Gabriel as a daffodil.

Well, it was a sunflower. Exactly.

I'd pay to see that. Wouldn't you?

That's what I wanted to talk to you about, Tone.

You move in these circles.

I do?

You're the one in here.

They're all at these do's.

So you want me to ask Peter Gabriel

to dress up as a sunflower?

Listen, if he hadn't done it before it'd be weird, I grant ya.

But it's probably still in his wardrobe.

Do I go to these sorts of parties?

Course you do. Look.

That's me with Christopher Biggins, Roger.

He's hardly Dylan.

Biggins might even know Dylan. Who knows.

Point is, we get to these people,

they hear the idea, they'll love it.

But, well...

What?

You're not sort of suggesting...

What? Well...

..you're not saying that they shoulda died

when they were twenty-seven?

OK.

Don't help me then, Tone. Roger.

Don't do it then, Tone. Don't help me.

You sit there, top of the world.

Calm down, look- Just need to get the ball rolling.

I've had a few rough years, Tone.

Dunno if you've noticed. Sorry. I'm sorry.

Can't rely on your family. OK, OK!

Truth is Tone, I'm not doing this for me.

I'm doing it for our mum. Well, your mum.

Don't say that. Well, it's true, in't it?!

OK, OK! I'll do it! I'll do it.

I'll do whatever you need.

See.

There you go.

You just wait, Tone.

This is just the beginning.

Tell you what, we'll come see this pile of twank after Christmas.

Deal? Mm.

Deal.

You know, you can get a drink if you like.

Don't bother us.

Yeah, I might do that actually.

Yeah.

Knock yourself out.

Cuz.

Dad?

Dad?

You OK?

I need to remember to check the car insurance.

Yeah, that's-

probably a good idea.

Take it easy. Eh, mate?

That the actual hat?

What?

Well, the actual real hat.

We watched every episode.

You woulda won it. Yeah, definitely.

Will they let you go back?

Of course they won't let him go back.

But, what about all that work he's had done?

It's taken twenty years off ya, honestly.

But no one will see it.

You know, you surprised me, Dad.

I did? Yeah.

It was quite a sacrifice.

And a hell of a long way to come.

We wouldn't have minded if you stayed in Australia.

What's Abi Titmuss really like?

Who?

Oh, yeah, like you didn't notice.

Are we allowed to laugh, Mum?

Yeah, of course you are, darling.

This is a time for happy memories too.

Y-you put them on your page.

David's doing a myspace page...

..what d'you think? Hmm?

It's not loading properly. Eh?

Yeah, it's lovely, isn't it?

Oh, it's marvellous.

I wonder what she woulda thought of it.

She?

Mum.

Grandma.

Well, you can ask her yourself.

Huh?

Grandma, what d'you think of David's webpage?

His what?

He's, he's done a special page on the internet for Roger.

Well, it's no good to him now.

Oh, no, it's about Roger.

Oh, those things make my eyes hurt.

Y-you can type a message, here.

Why would I wanna do that?

He's worked so hard on it.

We worked as hard as we could for Roger.

Did everything we could.

Maybe we could've done more.

No, I mean the page on the worldwide web.

Maybe we did the wrong thing.

I don't know.

Come on, Celia. Let's get you settled down here with Arthur.

I'll always have to live with that.

You have a little rest.

And we'll be right over here if you need anything.

We shoulda kept it to ourselves.

But Arthur said no.

Thank you, love.

I don't see why she blames herself

Her mind's set. She still thinks Roger didn't drink.

Oh. You what?

Told her it was all lies.

Yeah, then swigs vodka from a water bottle right in front of her.

Bold as brass.

No.

Was Pattie that fooled me.

You know, I was sure she was good news.

She was as bad as him.

You know she turned up at my work once.

Some sob story about Roger beating her up.

Complete nonsense. I gave her sixty quid, didn't I?

Turns out Roger's waiting downstairs. Straight to the offy.

And you were way too kind.

Bad as she was though, when those two split...

Oh, that was a mistake. Beginning of the end, that was.

He never really got over it.

Pattie this, Pattie that.

He got it in his head that she was in Portsmouth or something.

That's where he was walking to?

Yeah, right down the middle of the M27.

Oh, sorry. Cleo!

It was just horrible.

I shoulda done something.

No one coulda stopped him.

He only listens to me.

We were the Mighty Towers.

It's not such a great name any more.

Auntie Vi.

They run in the street.

Who can keep an eye on them twenty-four hours a day?

I'm not Celia.

That's not me.

I was too scared.

Auntie.

No. No.

Come on, Tony, ya bellend.

Listen, this fella from Gladiators.

He must know people,

that show's massive.

You get me ten minutes with Wolf,

just let me talk to him.

Let me explain the concept and you know-

Hey! What the hell are you doing?

Enough of this, Roger! Give that back!

If you want water, I'll get you water.

'Leicester, your next stop. Next stop, Leicester.'

OK, you got me.

What do you want, a medal? No, I just want you

to tell me something that's not a steaming pile of horse shit, Roger.

Eighteen months. Eighteen minutes, more like!

So I like a drink!

So does Pattie, so do you!

We all like a sip on a warm day.

Social drinkers now!

So what you hiding it in that for then?!

Cos I don't wanna drink the piss this place sells.

Oh, please, Roger. Just stop! Stop it!

This is me! This is Tony! Don't pretend like you give a shit!

Of course I do,

I'm your brother, mate! Not strictly true, that. Is it?

It is to me.

Come on, Pattie. Let's go.

Where you going?

Well, looks like Leicester.

What about Mum and Dad? It's Christmas tomorrow.

For you maybe.

It was never really Christmas for me!

Roger, come on. Come on, please.

Please... I know where this goes!

This doesn't end well!

What does that mean?

Roger, please. Just, just let me help you.

Oh, right.

That's what you want, innit? What?

Make it all about you.

Just like always.

No, no, no, Rodge... You never gave a shit about me.

You don't understand. You're thinking

how well this makes you look!

I can see you doing it now.

"Tony saves Roger," "Tony the hero."

Well guess what, Tony?

I don't need saving.

Rodge, please. Please, mate. Get your hands off me!

You don't understand! Get off me!

You don't understand, mate!

What are you doing?!

What are you doing? Come on!

Get off of me! Rodge, no!

Get off!

Pattie, please! Talk to him!

Fuck you, Tony.

What?

Roger!

Rodge!

Rodge!

Roger!

Tony! Tony.

Listen, we're rather up against it, old chap.

We really need to get a move on.

Where's Jenny? I need Jenny.

Oh, but Tony, the train will be in Nottingham in half an hour!

Jenny!

OK. Two minutes!

Are you OK, Dad?

Jenny, I need you to listen to me very carefully.

I'm gonna ask you some questions.

I want you to answer like

I don't know anything.

What's this for? Alright, just, please.

Just, just pretend.

Understand?

I suppose. OK.

Where is Roger?

He's on remand.

Why?

For speeding,

you already know this. What did I just say? Come on.

So, is that it?

Is anyone hurt? No, no.

That's not much of a crime, then. Well, it wasn't his car.

Oh. It was his accountants.

OK. Who he'd just hit with a breadbin.

Right, and why did he do that?

Well, he thinks he conned him out of eighty grand,

but then you told me he spent all his tax on a pig farm

but he's not looking after them properly and one ate his jacket-

the silver one that Mick Ronson lent him?

And so he pushed the pig off a cliff and now the RSPCA want him as well.

Jesus Christ.

Which is why you set up that account for me.

Yeah, I always put a third aside and I never touch it.

Very good, well done. We've really got to get a move on,

I'm terribly sorry. Now, we've had a little conflab

and we've come up with this and we think it's much, much better.

The APT is so smooth,

the only rocking and rolling I'll be doing is with these.

Then you hold these up.

Shall we do an availability check on Bobby Davro?

Roger, please. There are children on this train.

Mr Towers! Please put your trousers back on!

Tony, where the hell have you been?

Roger... ..bloody crazy insane!

Oh, Roger.

Roger?

Put your trousers on, mate.

Mr Towers.

Looks like you got an actual story for once.

This is all I could find.

I'll call the transport police! Maybe I should go.

What? No, no, no. Give it here.

I've got an idea, can you open this?

But it stinks in there. Yeah, just for a sec.

You ready?

Go, go, go, go!

♪Merry Xmas Everybody ♪

♪ Are you hanging up a stocking on your wall?

♪ It's the time that every Santa has a ball

♪ Does he ride a red nosed reindeer?

♪ Does he turn up on his sleigh... ♪

It's not exactly Prestige Cuvée,

I know that.

As long as it's wet.

Are you still made at me?

Alright, look. Roger.

The band's clearly a mess, right.

Whatever the record company suggested we obviously...

..shouldn't have listened. D'you mean 'we'?

OK, I, I. I shouldn't have listened, right.

Whatever I agreed to...

..it was stupid.

♪ Are you sure you got the room to spare inside?... ♪

You seen the state of this lot?

It's about the songs, Tone.

I know, mate.

So you wanna try again? Eh?

Do it our way this time.

We're too old.

You know what Jim Morrison was when he died-

Yeah, he was twenty-seven. I know. And Hendrix.

So there's less competition!

Who cares how old we are?

Hey. Leonard Cohen.

Yeah?

He was ancient before anyone started giving a toss.

It's about what you do

right now, Rodge.

The decisions you make today.

That's what matters.

You serious?

Course I am.

You front it. You're the singer.

I'll be on...

.. maracas or whatever.

But you gotta promise me one thing.

What?

You come and live in Guernsey.

You what?

You're giving away 90 pence of every pound.

You choose now to give me

financial advice? Alright, alright, alright, alright.

But we're gonna do this.

Right?

Sure. Good!

Right now,

let me try and go and sort out this mess.

What the bloody hell is going on? Just hang on.

Well, will he do an interview? Can I go?

Everybody just hold your horses for two minutes.

Come here.

Now look, er...

..Morris, isn't it?

Yeah.

How long you been doing this? Two weeks.

OK. Listen.

You know who I am? You know who that is?

I guess.

D'you like our music? Not really.

No, you like metal. Don't you?

Heavy rock. How d'you know?

I bet you like Sabbath. Yeah, course.

Perfect. D'you have any idea

how hard they had to work to write those songs?

What's that got to do with..? D'you know the artistic agony

that Ozzy Osbourne went through to make Sabbath bloody Sabbath?

He ended up writing in a dungeon to get inspiration, it half killed him.

Ooh, the struggle.

The pain.

Some people don't make it.

Nick Drake.

Ian Curtis.

Who?

That's what that is, my friend. That's the struggle.

Right there.

Now, you've handled this well. I mean, brilliantly, actually.

Now, play your cards right.

You could be destined for big things on the back of this.

But just remember,

you don't get Children of the Grave...

..without that.

I love that song.

Course you do. Now,

you wanna support new music.

You want another Sabbath album,

that's Ozzy. Right there.

So,

how about you just let him slip off at the next station.

You know what I'm saying.

No need to get the police involved.

That way you're doing it for the arts.

You're doing it for the music. You're doing it... for Ozzy.

Paranoid. Wheels of Confusion. Hand of Doom.

Electric Funeral.

Rat Salad.

OK, folks. I want everyone to move to the back.

What the hell was that?

It worked, didn't it?

Keep it moving.

'Loughborough is your next station. Your next station is Loughborough.'

Why aren't you in first class?

You're Tony Towers.

You shouldn't be down here.

Oh, can I ask you a question?

OK.

Those girls on your show.

You know, holding the teas made or whatever.

How did they get that job?

Cos it doesn't look that hard to me.

I don't know. Um,

I'm sure I could find out.

Really? You could really do that? Yeah.

Oh, that's amazing. I mean, Dolcis is alright.

The people are nice and everything,

but I don't wanna be there forever.

Oh! I'm sorry, I'm Sue, by the way.

So, we haven't met before.

Not actually met.

You made a joke about me once in the audience though.

Although, it could've been about Elaine.

The lights are very bright, it was hard to tell.

When was this?

We came on a work do to watch the show.

God, there's a lot of waiting around, isn't there?

I mean, I'm not saying it's boring or anything.

It's just not like on telly.

You must've shouted "come on down!" about

two hundred times.

So, is that what I'm known for, then?

You what?

I'm not known for music?

Music? What sort of music?

Eagles of Love?

What's that then?

It's a song. In the charts.

What? Recently?

No, it's not on here.

It was a hit. I think.

When was this?

Oohh, seventy-four, seventy-five.

Oh. Well,

I should know it.

I always watched Top of Pops after school.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

How did it go?

What you- you want me to sing it for you right now?

Yeah, go on then.

I mean, I didn't know Tony Towers could sing.

Alright.

Um...

♪ Eagles of Love

♪ Flying above ♪

You can join in any time you like.

♪ Eagles-

Everybody! All together now!

You're having me on.

I'm not, I'm not. I'm not.

Well, I don't mean to be rude or nothing.

But you're not much of a singer are you?

Oh, you don't mean to be rude?

It was my brother, er...

..my cousin who was the singer.

I guess it worked out best for you, then.

Yeah, I guess it did. Yeah.

Although I'd rather be in a band.

Everyone wants to be in a band.

Yeah, but...

..we had something.

My cousin...

..had something.

So where's he then?

I don't know.

Oh, it's like that, is it?

He's, um...

..well, he's a bit troubled.

Oh.

I don't recognise him anymore.

He, he used to sell those.

You know, he- he had a wife.

Two lovely kids, twins.

I guess they don't exist anymore.

Oh, I'm sorry. That's terrible.

Although, I suppose his wife would but...

..but not in the same way.

It's all very confusing.

Yeah, well, families are complicated.

Don't even get me started on mine.

I bloody dread this trip every year.

We get to about, I don't know, eleven o'clock on Christmas day

and it all kicks off.

I just stay quiet now. Don't say anything.

My new rule is,

let people live their own lives.

It's not my responsibility.

Does that sound cruel?

I suppose not.

I mean, I'm there for 'em.

Of course, if they want my help, I'm there like that.

It's family, but,

they've gotta ask.

I'm only there if they ask.

Meanwhile, I get on with my life.

How's this?

Aaah.

Good enough for an audition?

Oh, that's very good. Very good.

I...

..am gonna write my number down.

I'm still at my mum's till I can get my own place.

But if I'm not in she'll take a message.

Yeah, I'm- I'm not gonna take this, Sue.

You what?

Meet someone nice and,

and move to Norfolk.

What do you mean?

Have ten kids.

What?

Wear chunky jumpers.

Drink soup.

How did you...?

Er, maybe I can just talk to him. Just, just give me five minutes.

Hey, hey! What's going on Morris?!

I tried Mr Towers, but he wouldn't get off.

You won't get this from David Essex.

Roger!

Roger! There's no point.

You tried to help him, but you can't unscramble an egg.

Hey, watch it. You're not on the Sweeney, you know.

Ow! Ooh, Christ!

Ow! That bloody hurt!

Oh, cor! Watch it! That's me meat and two veg!

And a merry Christmas to you, you wazzy.

♪Whispering Grass ♪

You've done everything you can do.

You can't look after him forever.

You've got to live your own life, Tony.

Come on.

♪ Whispering Grass

♪ The trees don't have to know

♪ No, No

♪ Why tell them all your secrets?

♪ Who kissed there long ago?

♪ Whispering Grass

♪ The trees don't need to know... ♪

♪ Don't you tell it to the breeze

♪ 'Cause she will tell the birds and bees

♪ And everyone will know

♪ Because you told the blabbering trees

♪ Yes, you told them once before

♪ It's no secret

♪ Anymore

♪ Why tell them all the old things?

♪ They're buried under the snow.

♪ Whispering Grass

♪ Don't tell the trees

♪ 'Cause the trees don't need to know

♪ Don't you tell it to the breeze

♪ 'Cause she will tell the birds and bees

♪ And everyone will know

♪ Because you told the blabbering trees

♪ Oh yes, you told them

♪ Once before

♪ And it is no secret

♪ Anymore

♪ I will not have gossip in this jungle

♪ Why tell them all the old things?

♪ They're buried under the snow.

♪ Whispering Grass

♪ Don't tell the trees

♪ 'Cause the trees

♪ Don't need to know.

Mum, I need to talk to you. Not yet, Anthony!

But I need to talk to you... Outside!

I won't tell you again.

I mean, we all knew it fall off back of a lorry, but he insists, see?

Just yell things on a level. We all like a bit of fun.

He says he brought it for twenty smackers.

I says, "twenty smackers? You're having a laugh, ain't ya?"

It's not as if times was normal.

Well, a girl goes serious with a bloke, that's one thing.

Too many of them is making themselves cheap with them yanks.

Well, they've got to give us the place now, pre-fab or not.

They said we'd need another sixty points, see?

I mean, it's just not right.

It was a diabolical liberty if you ask me.

Why the deuce didn't they check the ground before the match?

And you're not one to kick up a stink.

Well, I was half inclined to think it was some sort of practical joke.

There's nothing funny about stopping a test match.

You only have one bottle?

Er, just the one, yes.

So I said to the chap from the Royal Engineers, "Be a sport, old chap.

At least let us see the innings out." And d'you know what he did?

He had the confounded impudence to laugh in my face.

You quite sure you won't stay up, Vi?

Just stay for Christmas?

No, I'd rather get straight back.

Closing up the dining car now, chaps.

Oh, here you are my dear.

Oh, thank you.

So I said, "I fail to see what's so frightfully funny?"

But he just gives me the brush off and says,

"hop it, before this thing blows." I mean, really.

Are you really trying to tell me there's an unexploded bomb

under the crease?!

You can see the pitch?

Of course, the wicket's right there.

I- I just know I'll drop him or lose him or do something wrong.

I just can't. Of course you won't.

Look, it's for the best.

So I- I stepped over the boundary.

Good show, old boy.

Well, I said, "I didn't do my bit in that lot to be treated like this."

So what happened?

Oh, it was a right old dust up.

If it hadn't been for 'Dizzy' Henderson,

heaven knows where I'd be.

Cooling your heels in a police cell, no doubt.

That's Trent station.

We'll be there in ten minutes.

Perhaps I should take him now and get ready and that.

That's lovely, dear.

Anthony, don't bother your Auntie.

Surely Dick Pollard would have hit the bomb by now.

Exactly.

If anything's going to blow it up it's...

Anthony! What on earth are you doing? Get off!

Don't be so silly.

Hey, little Roger.

Final destination, Nottingham Victoria.

Anthony!

Oi! What are you doing?! Get out of here!

Come back here!

Oi! Stop!

Stop!

Anthony!

Is he alive?!

He's just coming round.

Why did you do that? You silly boy.

Why did you do that?

Don't ever do anything like that again.

I'm so- I'm sorry.

Mummy's so sorry.

You're safe now.

You're safe now. Mummy's got ya.

Mummy's got ya.

We'll need to have a look at that leg.

There's room to lie him down in the front carriage.

Come on, son.

Use your good leg.

'This is your final stop.

Nottingham Station where this service will terminate.'

Aw, Happy Christmas!

♪ We Wish You A Merry Christmas ♪

♪ Out on the street

♪ Moving your feet

♪ Got the desire

♪ So don't put out the fire

♪ Why do you cry

♪ When you look at the sky

♪ Maybe we found

♪ A break in the glass

♪ Eagles of love

♪ Flying above

♪ Eagles of love

♪ Eagles of love

♪ Flying above

♪ Eagles of love

♪ Wings of gold

♪ To guide you home

♪ They rise like the sun

♪ When hope is gone

♪ Taking flight

♪ In the dead of night

♪ Be on the stone

♪ The sweetest song

♪ Eagles of love

♪ Flying above

♪ Eagles of love

♪ Eagles of love

♪ Flying above

♪ Eagles of love

♪ Eagles of love

♪ Flying above

♪ Eagles of love

♪ Eagles of love

♪ Flying above

♪ Eagles of love

♪ Flying above

♪ Eagles of love... ♪

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