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1
00:00:05,797 --> 00:00:08,757
[bright music]
2
00:00:09,600 --> 00:00:11,440
- Hey, slow the fuck down.
3
00:00:18,400 --> 00:00:20,280
You gotta be
fucking kidding me.
4
00:00:20,277 --> 00:00:22,397
[phone rings]
5
00:00:22,404 --> 00:00:24,114
ROBOTIC CALLER ID:
Call from Mother.
6
00:00:24,114 --> 00:00:27,164
- You gotta be a freaking
rocket scientist.
7
00:00:27,159 --> 00:00:28,199
ROBOTIC CALLER ID:
Call from Mother.
8
00:00:28,201 --> 00:00:29,701
[phone rings]
9
00:00:29,703 --> 00:00:31,873
Call from Mother.
10
00:00:31,872 --> 00:00:33,332
[phone rings]
11
00:00:33,332 --> 00:00:34,712
- Jeez, how the fuck...
12
00:00:36,084 --> 00:00:38,884
[cell phone vibrates]
13
00:00:38,879 --> 00:00:41,549
Yeah, you were right, Ma.
14
00:00:41,548 --> 00:00:43,718
I should've joined
the Boy Scouts.
15
00:00:43,717 --> 00:00:47,547
Maybe then I'd know how to tie
a fucking hangman's knot.
16
00:00:47,554 --> 00:00:49,814
[sighs]
Christ, I'm hungry.
17
00:00:49,806 --> 00:00:51,136
[knock at door]
18
00:00:59,232 --> 00:01:01,692
Hey, how much?
- 13.25.
19
00:01:03,236 --> 00:01:05,356
- I, uh, got a coupon.
20
00:01:05,364 --> 00:01:08,084
- You're supposed to tell us
about coupons on the phone.
21
00:01:08,075 --> 00:01:09,785
- Yeah, well, I forgot.
22
00:01:09,785 --> 00:01:11,405
- I feel bad, sir,
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but technically,
I can't give you the discount.
24
00:01:13,622 --> 00:01:15,502
- Don't sweat it, buddy.
25
00:01:15,499 --> 00:01:16,539
I'll just take it
out of your tip.
26
00:01:18,502 --> 00:01:19,802
- Guess I'll make
an exception today.
27
00:01:19,795 --> 00:01:21,085
It's 11.25.
28
00:01:21,088 --> 00:01:23,128
- Attaboy.
Here's 14.
29
00:01:24,549 --> 00:01:27,179
That's a 24.4% tip.
30
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- Weird you'd know that.
31
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- Wait, hey, hey.
This thing is covered in meat.
32
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- Yeah, we load them up.
- I ordered mushroom and onion.
33
00:01:35,977 --> 00:01:39,397
- Sure you didn't say
bacon and pepperoni by mistake?
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- How could anyone possibly
say bacon and pepperoni
35
00:01:41,692 --> 00:01:43,192
when they meant
mushroom and onion--
36
00:01:43,193 --> 00:01:44,783
- Sir, in my business,
you'd be surprised
37
00:01:44,778 --> 00:01:46,358
at what people say
when they order--
38
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- Kid, they don't sound alike.
They don't taste alike.
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One is two veggies,
the other's two meats.
40
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- Well, if you want me
to take it back...
41
00:01:54,204 --> 00:01:57,254
- Then you will?
42
00:01:59,167 --> 00:02:02,087
- Actually, I was planning
on you saying it's no big deal.
43
00:02:02,087 --> 00:02:05,967
- Well, it is a big deal.
Okay, it's a very big deal, man.
44
00:02:05,966 --> 00:02:08,046
Okay, do you know
what red meat does to you?
45
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It clogs your arteries,
it fucks with your brain cells,
46
00:02:10,887 --> 00:02:13,267
and it camps out in your colon
for, like, ever.
47
00:02:13,265 --> 00:02:14,925
So why would I wanna
be tricked into having
48
00:02:14,933 --> 00:02:16,893
a fucking cancer pizza
when I could have a healthy one?
49
00:02:21,189 --> 00:02:24,689
Okay, fine,
but I'm taking a buck back.
50
00:02:24,693 --> 00:02:28,533
What?
That's still a 15.5% tip.
51
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It's not bad considering
you were trying to kill me.
52
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SINGERS: ♪ Now,
now, now, now, now ♪
53
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ANNOUNCER: And that's
100 stories that should be
54
00:02:37,122 --> 00:02:39,212
on your radar
if they are not already.
55
00:02:39,207 --> 00:02:40,957
Here with their
take on all of it--
56
00:02:40,959 --> 00:02:42,839
[phone rings]
57
00:02:42,836 --> 00:02:44,626
ROBOTIC CALLER ID:
Call from Mother.
58
00:02:44,629 --> 00:02:45,549
ANNOUNCER:
On a Friday--
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00:02:45,547 --> 00:02:46,837
[phone rings]
60
00:02:46,840 --> 00:02:48,340
ROBOTIC CALLER ID:
Call from Mother.
61
00:02:54,681 --> 00:02:57,351
- [sighs]
Finally.
62
00:03:00,562 --> 00:03:02,692
Fucking idiot.
[sighs]
63
00:03:16,286 --> 00:03:19,036
[panting]
64
00:03:23,126 --> 00:03:24,956
Shit!
65
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[gasps]
Shit.
66
00:03:32,761 --> 00:03:35,061
[panting] All right.
Okay, okay.
67
00:03:38,308 --> 00:03:40,188
[phone rings]
68
00:03:40,185 --> 00:03:42,055
ROBOTIC CALLER ID:
Call from Mother.
69
00:03:42,062 --> 00:03:43,732
[phone rings]
70
00:03:43,730 --> 00:03:46,020
Call from Mother.
71
00:03:46,024 --> 00:03:47,864
[phone rings]
72
00:03:47,859 --> 00:03:49,899
Call from Mother.
73
00:03:49,903 --> 00:03:51,613
[phone rings]
74
00:03:51,613 --> 00:03:53,323
Call from Mother.
75
00:03:53,323 --> 00:03:54,373
- [panting]
76
00:03:54,366 --> 00:03:55,986
[phone rings]
77
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[upbeat music]
78
00:03:57,035 --> 00:03:59,785
[gagging]
79
00:04:09,881 --> 00:04:10,631
[creaking]
80
00:04:14,469 --> 00:04:15,599
[gasps]
81
00:04:18,098 --> 00:04:19,848
[groaning]
82
00:04:31,069 --> 00:04:33,819
[coughing]
83
00:04:37,659 --> 00:04:40,659
[screaming]
84
00:04:40,662 --> 00:04:41,912
[thunderclap]
85
00:04:43,456 --> 00:04:46,076
[indistinct chatter]
86
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[PA droning]
87
00:04:55,176 --> 00:04:57,176
- Hey, what's up, man?
Can I help you?
88
00:04:57,178 --> 00:04:59,008
- Yeah, I, um--I'm
looking for a rope.
89
00:04:59,014 --> 00:05:00,474
- Rope?
Rope, awesome.
90
00:05:00,473 --> 00:05:04,023
Right this way.
Um, what do you need it for?
91
00:05:04,019 --> 00:05:06,809
- Nothing.
I'm just looking for a rope.
92
00:05:06,813 --> 00:05:08,403
- Right, but what
do you need it for?
93
00:05:08,398 --> 00:05:09,688
What, are you lifting something?
[phone buzzes]
94
00:05:09,691 --> 00:05:11,821
You're towing something?
What do you got?
95
00:05:11,818 --> 00:05:13,818
- Towing something, yeah.
96
00:05:13,820 --> 00:05:15,860
- Uh, what?
97
00:05:15,864 --> 00:05:18,124
- What?
- Well, what are you towing?
98
00:05:18,116 --> 00:05:19,906
- A boat.
99
00:05:19,910 --> 00:05:21,450
- Boat?
Oh, then you don't need a rope.
100
00:05:21,453 --> 00:05:22,333
You need a trailer hitch
for your car.
101
00:05:22,329 --> 00:05:23,999
Right this way, man--
102
00:05:23,997 --> 00:05:26,167
- [stammers] Yeah, no, I'm not
towing the boat with a car, so...
103
00:05:26,166 --> 00:05:28,206
- Okay, so what are you
towing it with?
104
00:05:30,337 --> 00:05:32,877
- Another boat.
- Another boat.
105
00:05:32,881 --> 00:05:35,881
All right, in that case, this is
as good as it gets right here.
106
00:05:35,884 --> 00:05:37,434
This is your rope.
107
00:05:37,427 --> 00:05:39,257
- Yeah, no, that's--
that's gonna be too thick.
108
00:05:39,262 --> 00:05:41,352
- Too thick.
All right, all right.
109
00:05:41,348 --> 00:05:43,518
Then, uh, runner-up would be
right here.
110
00:05:43,516 --> 00:05:44,976
That one's nice and thin.
111
00:05:44,976 --> 00:05:47,646
- Um, you know, that's gonna be
a little scratchy.
112
00:05:47,646 --> 00:05:50,646
- Scratchy?
Why does that matter for a boat?
113
00:05:50,649 --> 00:05:52,529
- You know what? Maybe--maybe
just 10 feet of this one.
114
00:05:52,525 --> 00:05:54,355
This looks pretty good.
- 10 feet of this?
115
00:05:54,361 --> 00:05:56,111
I mean, she don't have
the tensile strength
116
00:05:56,112 --> 00:05:57,112
to do what you're trying
to do, man.
117
00:05:57,113 --> 00:05:58,373
Come on.
- This is, it's good.
118
00:05:58,365 --> 00:06:00,775
That's the one I want,
so please, just 10 feet.
119
00:06:00,784 --> 00:06:03,084
- Hey, buddy, hey.
You come to me for help, right?
120
00:06:03,078 --> 00:06:05,458
I'm the rope guy, all right?
I know rope, all right?
121
00:06:05,455 --> 00:06:08,205
And this--this won't pull a bag
of balloons across the moon.
122
00:06:08,208 --> 00:06:09,748
All right?
What's your payload?
123
00:06:09,751 --> 00:06:12,881
- My what?
- How big is your boat, man?
124
00:06:12,879 --> 00:06:14,509
'Cause this thing
can get caught in a current,
125
00:06:14,506 --> 00:06:15,466
it can get ripped--
- Okay, man, look.
126
00:06:15,465 --> 00:06:16,875
I'm not--I'm not
actually towing anything.
127
00:06:16,883 --> 00:06:18,393
I just need a rope, so please--
128
00:06:18,385 --> 00:06:19,635
- For what?
What do you need it for?
129
00:06:19,636 --> 00:06:22,426
- It's personal, okay?
It's...
130
00:06:24,599 --> 00:06:27,599
- Oh, okay.
All right, yeah.
131
00:06:27,602 --> 00:06:28,652
All right, in that case...
132
00:06:31,106 --> 00:06:33,606
You need one of these,
all right?
133
00:06:33,608 --> 00:06:35,528
You know, especially if you're
gonna, you know, freeze it.
134
00:06:37,570 --> 00:06:39,320
- [stammers] To freeze it?
135
00:06:39,322 --> 00:06:41,872
- Yeah, you know, freeze it,
you know, for "tug-of-war."
136
00:06:41,866 --> 00:06:44,036
- Why--why did you just
do that in quotes?
137
00:06:44,035 --> 00:06:45,365
- Oh, come on, man.
138
00:06:45,370 --> 00:06:46,910
You know what
tug-of-war is, man.
139
00:06:46,913 --> 00:06:49,333
You're gonna play dumb with me?
140
00:06:49,332 --> 00:06:52,132
You know, when you get the rope,
you dip it in the water, right?
141
00:06:52,127 --> 00:06:53,917
You and your friend,
you put it in the freezer,
142
00:06:53,920 --> 00:06:55,210
you take it out, you shove it
up each other's ass.
143
00:06:55,213 --> 00:06:57,053
All right, you know?
[muttering]
144
00:06:57,048 --> 00:06:58,718
Some people call it
the cowboy popsicle.
145
00:06:58,717 --> 00:07:00,467
I mean, depending on where
you're from, I don't know.
146
00:07:00,468 --> 00:07:02,048
But hey, feel this.
Feel this.
147
00:07:02,053 --> 00:07:03,103
This is what
you're looking for, man.
148
00:07:03,096 --> 00:07:04,676
Look at the ridges.
Come on, see the ridges?
149
00:07:04,681 --> 00:07:07,061
Yeah, it's really hard going in,
150
00:07:07,058 --> 00:07:09,308
but real soft
like a kitten coming out.
151
00:07:09,310 --> 00:07:10,190
Or so I've heard.
I don't know.
152
00:07:12,022 --> 00:07:13,482
- I'll take it.
153
00:07:13,481 --> 00:07:16,191
[panting]
154
00:07:16,192 --> 00:07:18,152
Now that's what
I'm fucking talking about!
155
00:07:20,280 --> 00:07:22,990
[phone buzzing]
156
00:07:27,370 --> 00:07:28,460
[whispers] Jesus Christ.
157
00:07:30,874 --> 00:07:31,624
[exhales]
158
00:07:43,595 --> 00:07:46,305
[phone buzzing]
159
00:07:48,767 --> 00:07:50,267
Yeah, Ma, what do you want?
160
00:07:50,268 --> 00:07:51,898
I'm kind of
in the middle of something.
161
00:07:51,895 --> 00:07:52,895
ED'S MOTHER: [sobbing]
Your brother is dead.
162
00:07:52,896 --> 00:07:54,356
- What?
163
00:07:54,355 --> 00:07:58,605
- Jeffrey's dead.
He just killed himself.
164
00:07:58,610 --> 00:07:59,820
[crying]
165
00:07:59,819 --> 00:08:00,859
- Motherfuck--
166
00:08:00,862 --> 00:08:04,782
[gagging]
167
00:08:04,783 --> 00:08:07,703
- It's okay, we're gonna
stick together, okay?
168
00:08:07,702 --> 00:08:10,122
- [gagging]
169
00:08:11,956 --> 00:08:13,746
ED'S MOTHER: I know.
170
00:08:13,750 --> 00:08:15,340
I can't believe it.
171
00:08:15,335 --> 00:08:18,205
- [shouts]
ED'S MOTHER: Oh, my...
172
00:08:18,213 --> 00:08:20,423
- [gagging]
[Ed's mother sobbing]
173
00:08:22,842 --> 00:08:24,392
ED'S MOTHER: He's gone.
174
00:08:24,385 --> 00:08:26,425
- [grunting and
strained shouting]
175
00:08:28,223 --> 00:08:29,393
ED'S MOTHER: [crying]
Jeffrey is gone.
176
00:08:29,390 --> 00:08:31,560
- [panting]
177
00:08:31,559 --> 00:08:33,479
- It's okay, honey.
178
00:08:33,478 --> 00:08:35,728
You just--you just
let it all out, honey.
179
00:08:35,730 --> 00:08:36,610
You just let it out.
180
00:08:36,660 --> 00:08:41,210
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