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HELLO. HI. OKAY.
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00:00:15,488 --> 00:00:21,988
I'M AMERICA'S VOICE OF REASON AND CELEBRITY
HALL PASS FOR SOME REASON, DR. FAUCI.
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THE VACCINE ROLLOUT IS GOING
STRONG BUT IT IS ALSO VERY CONFUSING.
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00:00:25,131 --> 00:00:28,143
WHO CAN GET IT? HOW? WHEN?
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00:00:28,167 --> 00:00:34,016
WHERE IS IT? DO BOTH DOSES GO IN THE
SAME ARM OR DIFFERENT ARMS OR WHAT?
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I DON'T KNOW. SO TONIGHT WE GIVE
EVERYDAY AMERICANS THE CHANCE TO VIE FOR
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VACCINE ELIGIBILITY ON A LITTLE SHOW WE LIKE
TO CALL "SO YOU THINK YOU CAN GET THE VACCINE."
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00:00:49,789 --> 00:00:54,737
VERY GOOD. HELLO AND WELCOME TO
THE NAME OF THE GAME SHOW I JUST SAID.
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00:00:54,761 --> 00:00:57,973
OKAY. GETTING THE VACCINE SHOULDN'T
BE A COMPETITION, BUT AMERICANS
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00:00:57,997 --> 00:01:04,213
WILL ONLY WANT TO GET IT IF IT MEANS SOMEONE
ELSE CAN'T, SO LET'S MEET OUR PANEL OF JUDGES
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00:01:04,237 --> 00:01:10,586
WHO ARE ALL... GET EXCITED... FAMOUS
GOVERNORS! FIRST, HE'S HATED BY EVERY
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00:01:10,610 --> 00:01:15,824
SINGLE PERSON IN CALIFORNIA EXCEPT THOSE TEN
PEOPLE HE HAD DINNER WITH IN NAPA THAT ONE
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00:01:15,848 --> 00:01:20,763
TIME. PLEASE WELCOME
GOVERNOR GAVIN NEWSOM.
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HEY. WHAT CAN I
SAY? I LOVE DINNER.
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00:01:23,923 --> 00:01:26,468
THAT'S GREAT. HOW ARE
THINGS GOING IN CALIFORNIA?
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TEETH, WHITE. BODY,
TIGHT. COVID, PRETTY BAD.
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NEXT, HE'S CURRENTLY UNDER FIRE FOR FUTZING
WITH OLD DEAD PEOPLE AND ALSO FOR THE KIND OF
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00:01:39,272 --> 00:01:43,285
SEXUAL HARASSMENT ALLEGATIONS
THAT MAKE YOU GO, "YEAH, I CAN SEE THAT."
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00:01:43,309 --> 00:01:47,823
IT IS NEW YORK'S GOVERNOR,
ANDREW CUOMO. YES, HELLO.
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00:01:47,847 --> 00:01:55,847
NICE BODIES, SOME OF YOU. I KNOW,
I'M IN THE FRIGGING DOGHOUSE AGAIN.
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00:01:56,022 --> 00:02:01,737
REMEMBER WHEN YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE WAS
MY POWERPOINTS? REMEMBER, TODAY IS TUESDAY?
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00:02:01,761 --> 00:02:05,741
WHEN CAN WE GO BACK TO THAT? I MEAN,
COME ON. OKAY.
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00:02:05,765 --> 00:02:13,765
OUR NEXT JUDGE NARROWLY ESCAPED BEING KIDNAPPED
BY A GROUP OF MEN WHOSE FINGERPRINTS PROBABLY
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HAD CHEETOS DUST ON THEM. PLEASE WELCOME
THE GOVERNOR OF MICHIGAN, GRETCHEN WHITMER.
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HEY THERE. IT IS AN HONOR TO BE
HERE WITH MY FELLOW GOVERNORS.
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00:02:25,017 --> 00:02:30,032
PEOPLE YELL AT THIS ABOUT THEIR
POLICIES AND THEY YELL AT ME, "GET HER!
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." HEY, THAT'S LIFE. >> OKAY.
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JUDGES, ALL OF OUR CONTESTANTS DESPERATELY WANT
THE VACCINE BUT AN ESSENTIAL WORKER CAN DIFFER
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IN EVERY STATE. SO IN CALIFORNIA IT
IS... POLICE, HOSPITAL STAFF, NEURO
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PATHS AND PSYCHICS. AND IN MICHIGAN
IT IS? FISHERS, TRUCKERS, TRAPPERS
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AND DRUNK ARLDS. AND IN NEW YORK
IT'S? TOUGH GUYS, WISE GUYS, RICH
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GUYS AND FIVE GUYS. AND I DON'T
TAKE OFF POINTS IF YOU'RE PRETTY.
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HEY, ENOUGH. ENOUGH.
TONIGHT'S GAME AND THE VACCINE
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IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY CVS. COME FOR THE SHOT,
LEAVE WITH A LOLLIPOP FROM TWO HALLOWEENS
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00:03:02,955 --> 00:03:05,734
AGO. OUR VERY FIRST CONTESTANT'S
VERY NERVOUS TO BE HERE AND EXCITED
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00:03:05,758 --> 00:03:10,873
TO BE HERE. PLEASE
WELCOME JANE F. HELLO.
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I'M FROM MICHIGAN. GO WOLVERINES. OH,
WELL, HI.
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NICE TO SEE A FELLOW MICHIGANDE. OH,
THANKS. I ACTUALLY VOTED FOR.
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00:03:23,309 --> 00:03:26,288
OH, THAT'S NICE. I VOTED FOR
YOU TO GET KIDNAPPED, BUT STILL.
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00:03:26,312 --> 00:03:28,757
OKAY. I'LL TAKE IT. TELL
US WHY YOU'RE HERE.
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00:03:28,781 --> 00:03:32,561
I THINK I DESERVE THE VACCINE BECAUSE
I'M AN ESSENTIAL WORKER. THAT'S NICE.
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00:03:32,585 --> 00:03:37,766
WHAT DO YOU DO? I TEE FOR THE
ONLY FANS WEBSITE SO I AM BUSY.
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00:03:37,790 --> 00:03:42,137
DO YOU HAVE ANY PREEXISTING
CONDITIONS? I HAVE A REALLY BAD ATTITUDE.
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00:03:42,161 --> 00:03:48,043
I'M ALLERGIC TO DUST, AND I DON'T KNOW
IF THIS IS ANYTHING BUT I HAVE HERPES.
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SWEETHEART,
THAT DOESN'T GET YOU THE VACCINE. WHAT!
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00:03:50,837 --> 00:03:54,516
THEN WHY DID I JUST SAY THAT ON TV. OH,
THAT'S TOO BAD.
47
00:03:54,540 --> 00:04:00,522
A REMINDER, ANY CONTESTANT NOT GOING HOME WITH
A VACCINE WILL TAKE HOME ONE OF OUR HIGHLY
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DESIRABLE CONSOLATION PRIZES LIKE A
PFIZER VISOR. IT IS A VISOR WITH THE WORD
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00:04:05,651 --> 00:04:11,266
PFIZER ON IT. IF YOU DON'T GET THE VACCINE,
YOU MIGHT TAKE HOME MAXINE, THE
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00:04:11,290 --> 00:04:15,804
CRANKY, MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN FROM
THE HALLMARK CARD, AVAILABLE AT CVS.
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CVS. IT STANDS FOR CHECKS MIX,
VODKA AND SO MUCH PLAN B.
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00:04:21,334 --> 00:04:25,848
NOW, OUR NEXT CONTESTANT ASKED
ME TO TELL YOU SHE IS VERY, VERY OLD.
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FOR REAL, SHE'S NOT EVEN KIDDING. OKAY,
PLEASE WELCOME KENDALL
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FRYE. >> HELLO. I'M OLD.
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I LOVE HARD CANDY AND, BOY, DO I STAND
GOING TO CHURCH. HUH, SOMETHING SEEMS OFF
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00:04:44,557 --> 00:04:48,170
ABOUT HER. YEAH,
SHE JUST SAID STAND. I THINK WE GOT ANOTHER
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PRETEND GRANNY. OKAY,
FINE. LISTEN, THERE'S A GUY I BEEN
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00:04:53,733 --> 00:04:58,447
TALKING TO FOR TEN YEARS, AND HE JUST GOT OUT
OF A RELATIONSHIP AND HE'S IN TOWN TONIGHT.
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GIVE ME THE VACCINE. OKAY.
AND WHAT ARE YOUR RISKS?
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00:05:01,741 --> 00:05:07,823
MY RISK IS THAT I MAY POP,
SIR. SORRY, SWEETHEART, YOU'RE NOT
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00:05:07,847 --> 00:05:09,391
ELIGIBLE. >> WOW. OKAY.
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00:05:09,415 --> 00:05:16,231
ON THE SECOND TO LAST DAY
OF BLACK HISTORY MONTH? WOW.
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00:05:16,255 --> 00:05:19,868
THANKS AGAIN TO OUR SPONSOR,
CVS. WE HAVE THE RECEIPTS, AND
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THEY'RE LONG I DON'T GET
THAT JOKE. I DON'T MIND SAYING IT.
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00:05:23,229 --> 00:05:27,810
I JUST DON'T GET IT. ALL RIGHT.
OUR NEXT CONTESTANT IS EXPECTING
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00:05:27,834 --> 00:05:34,049
TO HAVE A BABY.
HI. I'M PREGNANT.
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00:05:34,073 --> 00:05:38,253
CAN I GET THE VACCINE?
I DON'T KNOW. CAN YOU?
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00:05:38,277 --> 00:05:43,092
FINE. MAY I GET THE VACCINE? NO,
THAT WASN'T A GRAMMAR
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THING. I WAS GENUINELY
ASKING. WE HAVE NO IDEA.
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YOU DON'T KNOW? UH,
LET'S JUST GIVE IT TO HER?
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00:05:55,561 --> 00:06:00,743
UNFORTUNATELY, WE'RE RUNNING A LITTLE LOW
ON MODERNA BUT WE HAVE SOME TRIALS FOR THE
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00:06:00,767 --> 00:06:04,446
KIRKLAND SIGNATURE VACCINE DEVELOPED
BY COSTCO. IT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR YOU AND
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00:06:04,470 --> 00:06:10,452
YOUR LITTLE ONE AND IT COMES WITH A FREE PACK
OF 24 HOT DOGS. NEXT WE HAVE RONALD WHO IS A
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00:06:10,476 --> 00:06:18,476
PROUD SMOKER FROM NEW JERSEY.
HI. I AM RONALD FROM NEW JERSEY, AND
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00:06:18,751 --> 00:06:23,732
I LOVE CIGARETTES. ARE YOU JUST SAYING
THAT BECAUSE IN NEW JERSEY THEY'RE
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00:06:23,756 --> 00:06:30,205
GIVING THE VACCINE TO SMOKERS? WHAT? NO,
I LOVE SMOKING.
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00:06:30,229 --> 00:06:38,229
I LOVE THE SQUISHY PART,
THE BURNY PART. IT'S ALL MY FAVORITE.
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00:06:38,905 --> 00:06:41,850
OKAY, THIS IS TERRIBLE. I GOT
TO GET SOME WATER. OKAY, BYE.
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GIVE IT UP FOR THAT LIFELONG
SMOKER. OUR NEXT CONTESTANT IS... THEY
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00:06:47,780 --> 00:06:52,027
DOESN'T SOUND RIGHT... FRESH OFF
HIS APPEARANCE YESTERDAY AT CPAC.
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00:06:52,051 --> 00:07:00,051
OH, GOD. IT'S TED CRUZ. YEAH,
SENATOR TED CRUZ,
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00:07:02,462 --> 00:07:09,478
PERFORMING TALENT OF STAND-UP COMEDY. OH,
IT IS GREAT TO BE BACK IN
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00:07:09,502 --> 00:07:13,449
NEW YORK CITY. I'M SORRY. MY
ARMS ARE TIRED BECAUSE I JUST
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00:07:13,473 --> 00:07:21,473
FLEW BACK FROM CANCUN, MEXICO. BUT CAN YOU
REALLY BLAME A BROTHER FOR WANTING SOME SUN?
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00:07:22,248 --> 00:07:29,231
UH-OH. UH-OH, HERE COMES MY CATCH
PHRASE I SPENT ALL DAY YESTERDAY
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00:07:29,255 --> 00:07:37,255
SCREAMING. FREEDOM! >>WOW.
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00:07:38,231 --> 00:07:44,613
IT'S BEEN QUITE A NIGHT AND WE ARE DOWN TO
OUR LAST CONTESTANT. LET'S BRING HIM OUT.
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00:07:44,637 --> 00:07:52,637
HELLO. MY NAME IS SEYMOUR
FOREMAN AND I'M 85 YEARS YOUNG.
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00:07:53,179 --> 00:07:58,961
I WAS AN ARMY DOCTOR, BUT NOW I'M
JUST THE WORLD'S PROUDEST GRANDDAD.
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00:07:58,985 --> 00:08:01,530
AH. WOW,
YOU GOT IT ALL. YOU WIN.
91
00:08:01,554 --> 00:08:07,069
YOU GET THE VACCINE. OH,
WONDERFUL. SO DO I GET IT HERE OR
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00:08:07,093 --> 00:08:09,338
BACKSTAGE? OH,
NO. YOU CAN'T GET IT HERE.
93
00:08:09,362 --> 00:08:15,244
YOU GOT TO MAKE AN
APPOINTMENT ONLINE. ON WHAT?
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00:08:15,268 --> 00:08:20,115
OH, NO. HOW DO I DO THAT?
DO YOU HAVE A COMPUTER?
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00:08:20,139 --> 00:08:25,821
FOR SPIDER SOLITAIRE. WELL,
IS THERE A YOUNG PERSON WHO COULD HELP YOU?
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00:08:25,845 --> 00:08:32,094
PERHAPS THE MAILMAN. NOW, DOES HE
HAVE THREE STRAIGHT DAYS TO HELP YOU CLICK
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00:08:32,118 --> 00:08:35,964
REFRESH? I DON'T THINK
HE DOES. HE SEEMS BUSY.
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00:08:35,988 --> 00:08:39,535
OH, SO CLOSE. BETTER LUCK NEXT
TIME. BUT IF YOU DO FEEL SICK, MAKE
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00:08:39,559 --> 00:08:44,506
SURE YOU LEAVE THE NURSING
HOME AND GET TO THE HOSPITAL. WINK.
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00:08:44,530 --> 00:08:49,078
OH, NO! ALL RIGHT. THAT'S
ALL THE TIME WE HAVE AND
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00:08:49,102 --> 00:08:53,882
I'M JUST GETTING WORD THE POWER WENT OUT
AT A CVS NEARBY. THE VACCINES ARE GOING TO
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00:08:53,906 --> 00:09:00,356
EXPIRE, SO IT IS FIRST COME,
FIRST STAB. AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK IT'S
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00:09:00,380 --> 00:09:08,380
"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE"! ♪*
IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE"
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00:09:13,226 --> 00:09:21,176
WITH... BECK
BENNETT. AIDY BRYANT.
105
00:09:21,200 --> 00:09:29,200
MICHAEL CHE. PETE
DAVIDSON. MIKEY DAY!
106
00:09:37,116 --> 00:09:45,116
HIDER GARDNER. COLIN
JOST. KATE McKINNON.
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00:09:51,964 --> 00:09:59,964
ALEX MOFFETT. KYLE
MARNEY. EGO NWODIM.
108
00:10:07,013 --> 00:10:15,013
CHRIS REDD. CECILY
STRONG. KEENAN THOMPSON.
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00:10:23,763 --> 00:10:31,763
MELISSA VILLASENOR.
FEATURING... ANDREW DISMUKES.
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00:10:37,877 --> 00:10:45,877
CHLOE FINEMAN. LAUREN
HAUTE. PUNKY JOHNSON.
111
00:10:50,089 --> 00:10:58,089
BOWEN YANG. HOST AND
MUSICAL GUEST... NICK JONAS.
112
00:11:05,138 --> 00:11:13,138
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
NICK JONAS. ♪♪
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00:11:21,788 --> 00:11:25,300
THANK YOU! THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
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00:11:25,324 --> 00:11:30,005
MY NAME IS NICK JONAS, WHICH, OF COURSE,
IS SHORT FOR NICHOLAS JONAS BROTHERS.
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00:11:30,029 --> 00:11:37,179
IT IS SUCH AN HONOR TO BE BACK AT
"SNL." IT HAS BEEN A YEAR TO THE DAY
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00:11:37,203 --> 00:11:43,352
SINCE I LAST PERFORMED LIVE, SO I THOUGHT I WOULD
EASE INTO IT BY DOING DOUBLE DUTY AS HOST AND
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00:11:43,376 --> 00:11:50,392
MUSICAL GUEST. I GREW UP NOT
FAR FROM HERE OVER IN NEW JERSEY.
118
00:11:50,416 --> 00:11:53,829
THANK YOU FOR WOOING AND
NOT CURSING. BUT I LOVE JERSEY.
119
00:11:53,853 --> 00:11:57,366
IT IS WHERE ME AND MY BROTHERS GREW UP, AND
MY BROTHER KEVIN IS ACTUALLY IN THE AUDIENCE
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00:11:57,390 --> 00:12:04,840
TONIGHT. HEY,
NICK. I AM... HONESTLY, I AM SO
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00:12:04,864 --> 00:12:09,745
EXCITED TO BE HERE TO SUPPORT YOU,
AND, ALSO, I GOT TO ASK, ARE WE GOOD?
122
00:12:09,769 --> 00:12:13,615
BECAUSE I SEE YOU ARE DOING A LOT
OF SOLO STUFF. ARE WE STILL A BAND?
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00:12:13,639 --> 00:12:19,755
OF COURSE. ARE YOU SURE? BECAUSE,
LIKE, I JUST BOUGHT A
124
00:12:19,779 --> 00:12:22,491
HOUSE. THE BAND IS STILL TOGETHER,
I PROMISE.
125
00:12:22,515 --> 00:12:28,831
OKAY, COOL. JUST ONE MORE QUESTION. M BOP,
WAS THAT US?
126
00:12:28,855 --> 00:12:31,934
WHAT? NO,
BUT I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE. HAVE A SEAT.
127
00:12:31,958 --> 00:12:39,074
OH, OKAY. KEVIN WAS A STRAIGHT
"A" KID. I WAS KIND OF A BAD BOY.
128
00:12:39,098 --> 00:12:43,879
I REMEMBER BELLED THE BEST WAY I KNEW HOW
BY DOING MUSICAL THEATER, VERY EDGY STUFF.
129
00:12:43,903 --> 00:12:47,983
WE'RE COMING UP ON ONE YEAR SINCE BROADWAY
WENT DARK AND LIFE IS NOT THE SAME WITHOUT IT.
130
00:12:48,007 --> 00:12:52,421
UNTIL IT COMES BACK I THOUGHT MAYBE I WOULD
PROPOSE A TOAST TO BROADWAY, TO NEW YORK AND TO
131
00:12:52,445 --> 00:12:56,925
EVERYONE WHO IS MISSING
THEIR FAVORITE THINGS. ♪♪
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00:12:56,949 --> 00:13:02,131
THANK YOU. ♪ DRINK WITH
ME TO DAYS GONE BY ♪
133
00:13:02,155 --> 00:13:08,303
♪ TO THE LIFE THAT YOU
USED TO BE. ♪ BE AT THE SHRINE
134
00:13:08,327 --> 00:13:11,907
OF FRIENDSHIP NEVER SAY
DIE AT THE WINE OF FRIENDSHIP ♪
135
00:13:11,931 --> 00:13:19,931
♪ NEVER RUN DRY HERE'S
TO YOU AND HERE'S TO ME
136
00:13:22,275 --> 00:13:25,287
♪ DRINK WITH ME ♪ ♪ DRINK
WITH ME. TODAY'S GONE BY ♪
137
00:13:25,311 --> 00:13:27,890
♪ GONE BY TO THE
LIGHT TO THE LIGHT
138
00:13:27,914 --> 00:13:29,958
THAT'S YOU ♪ ♪ THAT'S YOU TO BE
139
00:13:29,982 --> 00:13:32,594
TO BE HERE'S TO
SPENDING ♪ ♪ 50 WEEKS IN
140
00:13:32,618 --> 00:13:35,764
OUR BED HERE'S TO
MAKING FRIENDS THAT ♪
141
00:13:35,788 --> 00:13:38,333
♪ LIVE IN YOUR HEAD HERE'S
TO THEM AND HERE'S TO
142
00:13:38,357 --> 00:13:46,357
BOOZE ♪ ♪ DRINK WITH ME
BECAUSE YOU'RE BORED
143
00:13:46,632 --> 00:13:54,416
DRINK WITH ME BECAUSE IT'S
NEW ♪ ♪ HERE'S TO KISSING FRIENDS
144
00:13:54,440 --> 00:14:01,190
INSIDE THE SAME ROOM HERE'S TO
ONE DAY FINALLY DELETING ZOOM ♪
145
00:14:01,214 --> 00:14:09,214
♪ HERE'S TO THEN AND
HERE'S TO YOU ♪ YES.
146
00:14:11,924 --> 00:14:15,938
OH, WOW, THAT'S REAL BOOZE.
OKAY. WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
147
00:14:15,962 --> 00:14:18,442
WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. I'M HERE, SO STICK AROUND.
148
00:14:28,775 --> 00:14:35,057
AGAIN? IT IS A WORKOUT MIRROR SO
THE INSTRUCTORS ARE LIKE IN IT, AND
149
00:14:35,081 --> 00:14:37,593
YOU JUST DO WHAT THEY DO. IT IS
SUPPOSED TO BE AWESOME. THAT'S SICK.
150
00:14:37,617 --> 00:14:41,230
YOU'RE GOING TO GET SO JACKED. YEAH,
I KNOW. THE BIKE, THE ROWING MACHINE,
151
00:14:41,254 --> 00:14:45,434
THE TREADMILL. NONE OF THAT STUFF WORKED,
BUT THIS, DEFINITELY WILL.
152
00:14:45,458 --> 00:14:51,173
LET'S DO IT,
MAN. YEP. WHAT'S UP?
153
00:14:51,197 --> 00:14:53,609
WELCOME TO USUAL FIRST MIRROR
WORKOUT. YOU READY TO WORK?
154
00:14:53,633 --> 00:14:56,745
HELL,
YEAH! YEAH! THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.
155
00:14:56,769 --> 00:15:03,719
TODAY WE ARE GOING TO BE DOING 20-SECOND
INTERVAL TRAINING. WE WILL BE CYCLING THROUGH
156
00:15:03,743 --> 00:15:07,022
TRAINERS SO LET'S GO,
LET'S DO THIS. I'M NATHAN.
157
00:15:07,046 --> 00:15:12,728
IF YOU WANT TO MAKE SOME MAJOR GAINS,
I'M YOUR MAN. YO, DUDE, I LOVE THIS
158
00:15:12,752 --> 00:15:15,164
ALREADY. YO,
WE'RE WEIGH GOING TO GET SO YO.
159
00:15:15,188 --> 00:15:21,570
AND I'M KRISTA, YOUR CARDIO QUEEN.
I'M HERE TO MAKE YOU SWEAT, BUT
160
00:15:21,594 --> 00:15:25,207
YOU'RE GOING TO HATE ME BY THE
END OF THIS BUT I LOVE THAT. OH, DUDE.
161
00:15:25,231 --> 00:15:27,543
KRISTA IS GOING TO KICK OUR ASS,
I CAN FEEL IT. THESE PEOPLE ARE GETTING ME
162
00:15:27,567 --> 00:15:30,079
SO HYPED UP. MY NAME IS SHANNON
DELGADO. I AM TRAPPED INSIDE OF THE
163
00:15:30,103 --> 00:15:37,186
MIRROR. I AM IN A COLD, BLACK VOID.
IF YOU CAN HEAR ME, PLEASE, HELP
164
00:15:37,210 --> 00:15:43,359
ME UNDO THE CURSE. WHAT THE HELL IS
THAT ABOUT? YEAH, I DON'T KNOW, MAN.
165
00:15:43,383 --> 00:15:46,362
BUT NATHAN'S BACK. LET'S
DO THIS. ALL RIGHT, DUDES.
166
00:15:46,386 --> 00:15:50,833
PICK UP THOSE WEIGHTS. IT'S BICEPS
CURLS. MAKE SURE YOU GET A FULL
167
00:15:50,857 --> 00:15:54,002
EXTENSION. SWOLL
IS THE GOAL. LET'S GO!
168
00:15:54,026 --> 00:15:59,141
SO THIS IS TIGHT. IT IS DEFINITELY
COOL. MY ONLY QUESTION IS, LIKE, WHO
169
00:15:59,165 --> 00:16:03,245
IS SHANNON DELGADO. HEY,
Y'ALL. IT'S TIME FOR HOT STUFF.
170
00:16:03,269 --> 00:16:09,418
I KNOW IT SUCKS BUT JUST REMEMBER
YOU'RE EARNING THAT GUACAMOLE LATER.
171
00:16:09,442 --> 00:16:13,722
OH, DUDE, YOU KNOW I'M A
GUAC FREAK. YOU KNOW I AM TOO.
172
00:16:13,746 --> 00:16:18,227
OH, NO, SHE IS BACK. HELLO AGAIN. IT IS ME,
SHANNON DELGADO.
173
00:16:18,251 --> 00:16:22,998
HERE IS WHAT HAPPENED TO ME. I WAS RUDE
TO A FORTUNE TELLER AND NOW I AM HERE.
174
00:16:23,022 --> 00:16:28,771
I NEED YOU TO CALL MY HUSBAND, RON DELGADO,
AND TELL HIM NOT TO GET REMARRIED.
175
00:16:28,795 --> 00:16:31,540
I DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME. I
AM BEING WATCHED. OKAY.
176
00:16:31,564 --> 00:16:35,911
NOW SHE'S GOT HER STUFF WITH HER? YO,
I'M KIND OF WORRIED ABOUT
177
00:16:35,935 --> 00:16:40,115
SHANNON DELGADO, MAN. YO,
WHAT I'M WORRIED ABOUT IS MY GAINS.
178
00:16:40,139 --> 00:16:45,354
WHEN IS MY MAN NATHAN COMING
BACK. TIME FOR TRICEPS KICKS BACK.
179
00:16:45,378 --> 00:16:48,557
NATHAN ARMS, THAT'S WHAT YOU
WANT. YOU DON'T TO DO IT LIKE THIS.
180
00:16:48,581 --> 00:16:53,228
ALSO, PRO TIP. DON'T LISTEN TO
SHANNON DELGADO. SHE'S A LIAR.
181
00:16:53,252 --> 00:16:55,998
LET'S GO. WAIT,
HE CAN HEAR US? FOCUS ON YOUR FORM.
182
00:16:56,022 --> 00:17:02,438
THERE'S NO FOOD IN HERE. SOMETIMES THEY
LAYOUT A BEAUTIFUL FEAST, BUT IT TWINKLES
183
00:17:02,462 --> 00:17:07,710
IN A WAY THAT LETS ME KNOW IT IS
CURSED. ONCE THEY GAVE ME A BEAUTIFUL
184
00:17:07,734 --> 00:17:12,114
MEATBALL SUB SO I TOOK A BITE,
AND I LOOKED DOWN AND IT WAS A RAT.
185
00:17:12,138 --> 00:17:16,852
WORK! YES,
YES. APOLOGIES, AZUZAL.
186
00:17:16,876 --> 00:17:23,459
AZUZAL GUARDS THE GATE WAIT. WORK,
STRETCH. YES, OF COURSE, AZUZAL.
187
00:17:23,483 --> 00:17:26,028
SO JUST PULL YOUR ARMS ACROSS YOUR CHEST,
GUYS. NICE.
188
00:17:26,052 --> 00:17:28,797
>> OH,
OKAY. SO SHE DOES LIKE STRETCHING.
189
00:17:28,821 --> 00:17:32,434
THAT MAKES SENSE. NO,
IT DOESN'T. AND WHO IS AZUZAL?
190
00:17:32,458 --> 00:17:35,070
ALL RIGHT. NOW IT IS
TIME FOR THE FUN STUFF.
191
00:17:35,094 --> 00:17:42,244
WE'RE DOING A MIX TAPE. NEW MOVE,
NEW SONG. START WITH ME AND JASON DERULO.
192
00:17:42,268 --> 00:17:46,115
SQUISH THE SQUAT. OH,
DUDE. THESE ARE TOUGH, MAN.
193
00:17:46,139 --> 00:17:49,618
ASS TO THE GRASS. MY
TURN. LET'S DO SOME PUNCHES.
194
00:17:49,642 --> 00:17:54,223
TIME TO PUMP IT UP AND RAISE
A GLASS. I DO LOVE THIS SONG.
195
00:17:54,247 --> 00:17:59,928
AS LONG AS IT IS NOT SQUATS,
DUDE, I'M HAPPY. BREATHE.
196
00:17:59,952 --> 00:18:06,835
BREATHE INTO THE STRETCH. WORK,
MY SHANNON! ALL RIGHT.
197
00:18:06,859 --> 00:18:12,574
FULL DISCLOSURE, MAN, LIKE I LIKE NATHAN
AND KRISTA. I'M JUST NOT REALLY FEELING
198
00:18:12,598 --> 00:18:18,213
SHANNON DELGADO OR AZUZAL. I'M KIND
OF TEAM SHANNON. I HOPE SHE IS OKAY.
199
00:18:18,237 --> 00:18:23,786
LET'S RECOVER. LET'S ROLL
OUT THESE SHOULDERS. NICE.
200
00:18:23,810 --> 00:18:27,890
YO, SHANNON DELGADO IS
TRYING TO GET AWAY. WHAT?
201
00:18:27,914 --> 00:18:31,727
OH, NO. AZUZAL,
SHE'S NOT IN HER FRAME. QUICK.
202
00:18:31,751 --> 00:18:35,964
SHE'S DISOBEYING. DUDE,
NATHAN RATTED HER OUT, MAN.
203
00:18:35,988 --> 00:18:40,369
HE'S ON AZUZAL'S SIDE. ALL RIGHT,
Y'ALL. LET'S TAKE A DEEP BREATH.
204
00:18:40,393 --> 00:18:47,509
ROLL IT OUT, ALL SWEATY. PRAISE
TO AZUZAL. AND WORKOUT DONE.
205
00:18:47,533 --> 00:18:49,611
NICE JOB. NICE,
DUDE. I FEEL GAINS.
206
00:18:49,635 --> 00:18:54,350
Y'ALL KILLED IT TODAY. GIVE
YOURSELVES A HELL YEAH. HELL, YEAH.
207
00:18:54,374 --> 00:18:59,555
GIVE YOURSELVES A WE
FREAKING DID IT. WE FREAKING DID IT.
208
00:18:59,579 --> 00:19:07,579
GIVE YOURSELVES... GIVE
YOURSELVES A... DO TO ME ZU. A WHAT?
209
00:19:08,087 --> 00:19:14,570
DOOMY ZO. WHAT THE HELL? OH,
DUDE.
210
00:19:14,594 --> 00:19:17,306
WHAT? >> IT WORKED. IT WORKED!
211
00:19:17,330 --> 00:19:21,410
I'M FREE. I'M FREE IT. RON,
I'M COMING.
212
00:19:21,434 --> 00:19:24,013
NO! NO! WHY AM I IN HERE.
213
00:19:24,037 --> 00:19:32,037
YOU ARE SHANNON
NOW! WORK ALL RIGHT.
214
00:19:36,783 --> 00:19:38,827
I'M GOING TO HEAD
OUT. OKAY. HAVE FUN.
215
00:19:38,851 --> 00:19:40,896
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO? I DON'T KNOW,
FINISH UP WORK AND RELAX.
216
00:19:40,920 --> 00:19:42,998
OKAY. WELL,
DON'T MISS ME TOO MUCH. I WON'T.
217
00:19:43,022 --> 00:19:46,635
ALL RIGHT. BYE.
FINALLY HE'S GONE.
218
00:19:46,659 --> 00:19:51,974
♪♪ I HAVE THE WHOLE
NIGHT TO UNWIND.
219
00:19:51,998 --> 00:19:58,147
AND DO A LITTLE SELF-CARE.
THE ONLY WAY I KNOW HOW. ♪♪
220
00:19:58,171 --> 00:20:00,816
♪ I'M GONNA WATCH A MURDER SHOW
MURDER SHOW ♪ ♪ I'M GONNA WATCH A
221
00:20:00,840 --> 00:20:05,487
MURDER SHOW ♪ ♪ NETFLIX
SHOWTIME HBO AND DAYLIGHT ♪
222
00:20:05,511 --> 00:20:08,624
♪ MURDER SHOW MURDER SHOW I'M
GOING TO WATCH A ♪ ♪ MURDER SHOW
223
00:20:08,648 --> 00:20:12,261
YOUTUBE HULU THAT'S MY ♪ ♪ FAVORITE
THING TO DO THIS GUY JUST GOT KILLED ♪
224
00:20:12,285 --> 00:20:17,533
♪ ON A CRUISE IN THE BAHAMAS I'M GONNA
HALF WATCH IT ♪ ♪ WHILE I FOLD MY PAJAMAS
225
00:20:17,557 --> 00:20:21,704
SEVERED LIMBS FOUND ♪ ♪ ON A BEACH
IN CHULA VISTA BUT I JUST KIND OF CHILL ♪
226
00:20:21,728 --> 00:20:25,374
♪ WHILE I EAT A PIECE OF PIZZA
♪ ♪ THEY DIG UP SOME BODIES
227
00:20:25,398 --> 00:20:30,079
AND DO AN AUTOPSY ♪ ♪ BORING WAKE
ME UP WHEN IT'S MUNCHAUSEN BY PROXY ♪
228
00:20:30,103 --> 00:20:34,817
♪ A BODYBUILDER CHOPPED UP AN
OLD LADY ♪ ♪ I WATCH IT WHILE I TEXT
229
00:20:34,841 --> 00:20:39,521
MY SISTER ABOUT HER BABY ♪ ♪ MURDER SHOW
MURDER SHOW EVERY TYPE OF MURDER SHOW ♪
230
00:20:39,545 --> 00:20:43,659
♪ LATE NIGHT TRUE CRIME THIS IS MY
RELAXING TIME ♪ ♪ MURDER SHOW MURDER SHOW
231
00:20:43,683 --> 00:20:47,329
I'M GOING TO WATCH A ♪ ♪ MURDER
SHOW LAST NIGHT I SAW A NEW ONE ♪
232
00:20:47,353 --> 00:20:52,000
♪ WHERE THEY FOUND A CHEERLEADER'S
HEAD IN ♪ ♪ AN OLD COAL MINE
233
00:20:52,024 --> 00:20:56,739
I WATCHED IT WHILE I ♪ ♪ PAID MY
TAXES ONLINE THEY FOUND A KILLER ♪
234
00:20:56,763 --> 00:21:00,843
♪ ON THE LOOSE IN TEXAS AND I'M
ON INSTA KEEPING ♪ ♪ TABS ON MY EXES
235
00:21:00,867 --> 00:21:04,513
CANNIBALS HAVE CUT OFF ♪ ♪
PEOPLE'S LIPS AND THEY BOIL THEM ♪
236
00:21:04,537 --> 00:21:09,184
♪ I WATCH IT ALL WHILE I SIT ON THE
TOILET ♪ ♪ PRETTY GIRLS GOT SCALPED
237
00:21:09,208 --> 00:21:12,321
AT THE PROM ♪ ♪ I WATCH IT
IN THE BACKGROUND WHILE I ♪
238
00:21:12,345 --> 00:21:16,458
♪ FACE TIME MY MOM AND AS SOON
AS I'M DONE ♪ ♪ I LISTEN TO A PODCAST
239
00:21:16,482 --> 00:21:20,629
ABOUT THE SAME GUY ♪ ♪ AS THE SHOW I
JUST WATCHED BECAUSE NOW I'M FULLY DOWN ♪
240
00:21:20,653 --> 00:21:25,834
♪ THE RABBIT HOLE I HOPE FOR A
BODY COUNT ♪ ♪ LIKE SIX OR SEVEN
241
00:21:25,858 --> 00:21:31,006
A REALLY HIGH BODY COUNT ♪ ♪
10 OR 11 15 16 NOW IT'S GETTING ♪
242
00:21:31,030 --> 00:21:37,212
♪ INTERESTING FINALLY IT'S 20
AND ♪ ♪ GIRL HE AIN'T WORTH IT ♪
243
00:21:37,236 --> 00:21:41,817
WHAT THE HELL? HAVE YOU JUST BEEN
WATCHING MURDER SHOWS ALL NIGHT?
244
00:21:41,841 --> 00:21:44,420
YES. YOU DO REALIZE THERE'S A TYPE
OF SHOW THAT'S EVEN BETTER THAN
245
00:21:44,444 --> 00:21:47,022
MURDER SHOWS, RIGHT? WAIT,
WHAT? OH, YEAH.
246
00:21:47,046 --> 00:21:50,159
♪ HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT CULT SHOWS
CULT SHOWS ♪ ♪ DIFFERENT KINDS OF
247
00:21:50,183 --> 00:21:58,183
CULT SHOWS ♪ DISCO
♪ MURDER SHOWS AND
248
00:21:59,792 --> 00:22:02,337
CULT SHOWS ♪ ♪ AND DON'T
FORGET BAKING SHOWS ♪
249
00:22:02,361 --> 00:22:04,041
BAKING SHOWS ♪ WHAT?
I LIKE BAKING SHOWS.
250
00:22:13,606 --> 00:22:17,252
WE NOW RETURN TO THE CONCLUSION OF
"CINDERELLA" ON DISNEY PLUS, WHICH DOESN'T HAVE
251
00:22:17,276 --> 00:22:21,924
COMMERCIALS SO I GUESS YOU JUST
PAUSE IT. ATTENTION ALL MAIDENS OF THIS
252
00:22:21,948 --> 00:22:27,096
DWELLING. PRINCE CHARMING
WISHES TO HAVE A WORD.
253
00:22:27,120 --> 00:22:32,301
OH, PRINCE CHARMING. I WONDER WHAT
HE WANTS. CINDERELLA, GO TO YOUR ROOM
254
00:22:32,325 --> 00:22:35,938
AT ONCE. THIS DOESN'T
CONCERN YOU. YOU'RE POOR.
255
00:22:35,962 --> 00:22:39,575
YEAH, THE PRINCE IS HERE TO SEE US,
THE EVIL, HOMELY STEP SISTERS.
256
00:22:39,599 --> 00:22:44,780
MEN DON'T WANT A NICE, PRETTY BLONDE
GIRL. THEY WANT LOUD, MEAN FREAKS.
257
00:22:44,804 --> 00:22:47,916
CINDERELLA DOESN'T HAVE A UNI-BROW. OH,
THAT'S OKAY.
258
00:22:47,940 --> 00:22:53,789
I'LL JUST GO TALK TO THE BIRDS.
THEY'RE MY REAL FRIENDS. PSYCHO.
259
00:22:53,813 --> 00:22:57,426
NO, WAIT. THIS CONCERNS
EVERY MAIDEN IN THE KINGDOM.
260
00:22:57,450 --> 00:23:01,096
YOU SEE, I FALL IN LOVE, BUT WITH WHOM I DO
NOT KNOW. PERHAPS SHE IS HERE RIGHT NOW.
261
00:23:01,120 --> 00:23:05,234
PERHAPS SHE IS. COULDN'T BE CINDERELLA,
THAT'S FOR SURE.
262
00:23:05,258 --> 00:23:10,973
WE KEEP HER LOCKED IN THE
ATTIC. OKAY. WELL, THAT'S A CRIME.
263
00:23:10,997 --> 00:23:14,610
WHEN THE PRINCE COMES TO VISIT, PEOPLE USUALLY
SAY, "HELLO, MY LORD," NOT "WE GOT A GIRL IN THE
264
00:23:14,634 --> 00:23:22,284
ATTIC." BUT EVEN HER NAME IS GROSS,
CINDERELLA.
265
00:23:22,308 --> 00:23:26,755
WOULDN'T YOU PREFER MY DAUGHTER
DRUSELLA? THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND
266
00:23:26,779 --> 00:23:30,759
OUT WHO MY MYSTERY LOVE IS. YOU SEE... OH,
MY. THE SMELL IS REALLY HITTING ME
267
00:23:30,783 --> 00:23:35,397
NOW. YES, WHAT IS THAT? SORRY,
I ONLY EAT BERRIES AND
268
00:23:35,421 --> 00:23:41,637
RAW DEER MEAT. YOU SEE, I SPENT ONE
MAGICAL EVENING WITH THIS MYSTERY WOMAN
269
00:23:41,661 --> 00:23:49,278
AND SHE VANISHED AT MIDNIGHT, AND ALL
THAT WAS LEFT WAS THIS. HER GLASS SLIPPER.
270
00:23:49,302 --> 00:23:55,517
HUH. WHAT? NOTHING,
IT IS JUST IT LOOKS
271
00:23:55,541 --> 00:23:58,620
SMALL. WHAT DO YOU MEAN? THE SHOE,
IT'S SMALL.
272
00:23:58,644 --> 00:24:03,325
I THINK IT IS A PRETTY STANDARD
WOMAN'S SHOE. ARE YOU SERIOUS?
273
00:24:03,349 --> 00:24:09,598
IT IS LIKE A MONOPOLY TOKEN. HUH, YES,
I GUESS MY PERSPECTIVE WAS OFF BECAUSE I
274
00:24:09,622 --> 00:24:13,736
WAS SITTING ON A PILLOW. DO
YOU THINK IT IS LIKE A CHILD'S SHOE?
275
00:24:13,760 --> 00:24:21,410
NO, BUT I DON'T LOVE HOW CASUALLY
YOU ASKED THAT. IT IS WAY TOO SMALL FOR A
276
00:24:21,434 --> 00:24:24,580
CHILD, MAYBE EVEN TOO SMALL FOR A
DOLL. YOU REALLY DIDN'T CLOCK THE SHOE
277
00:24:24,604 --> 00:24:30,152
AT WEIRD AT ALL? WELL,
IT'S GLASS. I THOUGHT THAT WAS WEIRD.
278
00:24:30,176 --> 00:24:33,055
REGINALD, IS THIS SHOE ODD TO
YOU? I MEAN I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS
279
00:24:33,079 --> 00:24:41,079
MY PLACE TO COMMENT, BUT THAT SHOE IS TINY
AS HELL. I'M A FOOTMAN, IN MORE WAYS THAN
280
00:24:41,521 --> 00:24:46,135
ONE, BUT EVEN FOR ME THAT'S A FREAKY
LITTLE SHOE. WELL, MY FEET ARE PRETTY
281
00:24:46,159 --> 00:24:49,638
SMALL. THEY DON'T FEED ME
ENOUGH TO GO THROUGH PUBERTY.
282
00:24:49,662 --> 00:24:54,543
YEAH, BUT I DON'T THINK YOU COULD EVEN
GET ONE OF YOUR TOES INTO THIS THING.
283
00:24:54,567 --> 00:24:59,248
SO THEN WHO HAS A
FOOT THIS SMALL? I DOES.
284
00:24:59,272 --> 00:25:01,316
I'M SORRY. I DOES.
THIS SHOE IS YOURS?
285
00:25:01,340 --> 00:25:09,091
OH, IT DEFINITELY DOES. OH,
HURRAH. MOUSELINA, THIS IS WONDERFUL
286
00:25:09,115 --> 00:25:11,493
NEWS. YOU FOUND YOUR PRINCE CHARMING. YEP,
I GUESS I DOES.
287
00:25:11,517 --> 00:25:13,729
>> DUDE,
YOU BANGED A MOUSE. WHAT, NO?
288
00:25:13,753 --> 00:25:16,865
WE DIDN'T BANG. I MEAN WE DIDN'T DO
ANYTHING, AND SHE WASN'T A MOUSE.
289
00:25:16,889 --> 00:25:24,889
SHE WAS A HUMAN WOMAN. NO, IT WAS MOUSE,
AND MOUSE WENT ALL THE WAYYEAH, HE DUNKED
290
00:25:27,767 --> 00:25:31,980
ME IN A GLASS OF CHAMPAGNE AND I WAS
READY TO ROCK. NO, NO, I REMEMBER IT WAS A
291
00:25:32,004 --> 00:25:40,004
WOMAN AND SHE RAN AWAY AND HER CARRIAGE TURNED
INTO A PUMPKIN. DUDE, I DON'T KNOW WHAT DRUGS
292
00:25:40,213 --> 00:25:44,360
YOU'RE ON, BUT IT DEFINITELY DIDN'T
AFFECT YOUR PERFORMANCE AT ALL.
293
00:25:44,384 --> 00:25:48,364
I MEAN YOU'D THINK THIS PRINCE WAS A
CONSTRUCTION WORKER THE WAY HE WAS JACKHAMMERING.
294
00:25:48,388 --> 00:25:54,002
REGINALD, DID I REALLY,
WITH A MOUSE? WHY DIDN'T YOU STOP ME?
295
00:25:54,026 --> 00:25:59,775
HEY, I DON'T JUDGE. LOVE IS LOVE IS
LOVE. YOU DON'T THINK JAFAR EVER
296
00:25:59,799 --> 00:26:04,713
SPRINKLED SOME BIRD SEED DOWN
THERE AND LET IAGO GO TO TOWN? WHAT?
297
00:26:04,737 --> 00:26:08,417
HEY, I DON'T KNOW,
MAN. THIS IS STUFF I BE THINKING ABOUT.
298
00:26:08,441 --> 00:26:15,290
OH, RELAX, PRINCE. I'M TOTALLY
COOL. I'LL HAVE THE BABY, NO PROBLEMO.
299
00:26:15,314 --> 00:26:20,195
OH, MY GOD. IT'S OKAY. IT
IS PROBABLY MORE LIKE 12
300
00:26:20,219 --> 00:26:24,566
BABIES, BUT DON'T WORRY.
I'LL EAT A COUPLE OF THEM. WAIT.
301
00:26:24,590 --> 00:26:29,271
THAT MEANS THOSE RAT BABIES WILL BE PRINCES
SOME DAY. AND IF WE MARRY THEM, WE'LL
302
00:26:29,295 --> 00:26:37,295
BE PRINCESSES. YES,
EVERYTHING IS COMING UP DRUCILLA.
303
00:26:39,305 --> 00:26:46,422
♪ BIPITY-BOPPETY-BOO. THE PRINCE FOUND
OUT HE BONED A MOUSE WHEN HE FOUND MY TINY
304
00:26:46,446 --> 00:26:54,446
SHOE ♪ HEY, LISTEN UP. HEY, HEY.
305
00:26:55,988 --> 00:26:58,567
HEY, LISTEN! TO MICKEY'S
LAST FEW DAYS OF FREEDOM.
306
00:26:58,591 --> 00:27:00,703
RIGHT. TO MICKEY'S. HELL, YEAH.
307
00:27:00,727 --> 00:27:04,840
I ALWAYS THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO MARRY TRISHA
KENTWORTH FROM MRS. CHRISTIANSON'S CLASS.
308
00:27:04,864 --> 00:27:09,011
WHAT? YEAH,
IT IS SOMETHING FROM GROWING UP.
309
00:27:09,035 --> 00:27:11,814
ALL RIGHT, I JUST WANT TO SAY YOU ARE AN AMAZING
FRIEND AND I'M REALLY PROUD TO BE YOUR BEST
310
00:27:11,838 --> 00:27:15,250
MAN. YEAH! THANK YOU, BUDDY.
311
00:27:15,274 --> 00:27:18,887
CHEERS! OH,
COULD THAT BE THE PIZZAS? WHAT?
312
00:27:18,911 --> 00:27:21,990
NO. PLEASE TELL ME YOU DIDN'T. NO,
YOU GUYS.
313
00:27:22,014 --> 00:27:30,014
OH,
MY GOD. OH! DID SOMEONE ORDER AN EXTRA
314
00:27:30,356 --> 00:27:38,107
LARGE SAUSAGE? I MAY
HAVE TO BLOW ON IT. OH!
315
00:27:38,131 --> 00:27:41,744
HEY,
MAN. THIS IS REALLY SPECIAL. THANK YOU.
316
00:27:41,768 --> 00:27:49,768
OF COURSE, MAN. ♪♪ ♪ WELL,
I'M GOING TO MARRY
317
00:27:50,610 --> 00:27:55,290
THE WOMAN THAT I LOVE ♪ ♪ BUT
FIRST A TRADITION LONG SPOKEN OF ♪
318
00:27:55,314 --> 00:27:59,461
♪ I'VE WAITED FOR THIS MOMENT
ALL OF MY LIFE ♪ ♪ TO GET HARD
319
00:27:59,485 --> 00:28:04,133
WITH MY FRIENDS BEFORE I
MARRY MY WIFE ♪ ♪ I'M DRINKING BEER
320
00:28:04,157 --> 00:28:10,372
AND HARD ALCOHOL ♪ ♪ GETTING
HARD WITH MY BROTHER-IN-LAW ♪
321
00:28:10,396 --> 00:28:14,009
♪ NOW I SEE WHAT MY SISTER
SEES ♪ ♪ BECAUSE HE'S GOT A BONER
322
00:28:14,033 --> 00:28:22,033
TO ME ♪ ♪ GETTING HARD WITH MY
HOMIES BONE UP NEXT TO MY PALS♪
323
00:28:25,478 --> 00:28:32,728
♪ YOU ONLY GET ONE EXTRA BODY
MIGHT AS WELL SPREAD IT AROUND ♪
324
00:28:32,752 --> 00:28:40,569
♪ OH, BONER, BONER, BONER BONER NEXT
TO MY FRIENDS ♪ ♪ ONE NIGHT AWAY FROM
325
00:28:40,593 --> 00:28:45,240
OUR LAME ASS LIVES ♪ ♪ WE'LL
GET HARD AND THEN IT ALL ENDS ♪
326
00:28:45,264 --> 00:28:53,048
♪ OH, I GOT TO PLAN THE EVENING
♪ ♪ HIS LAST NIGHT AS A FREE MAN
327
00:28:53,072 --> 00:29:01,072
BUT GETTING IN TROUBLE TONIGHT
THIS WAS MY ONLY PLAN ♪ ♪ I NEEDED THIS
328
00:29:01,414 --> 00:29:07,096
OH, I NEEDED THIS ♪ ♪ I'M MARRIED
WITH KIDS AND I NEEDED THIS ♪
329
00:29:07,120 --> 00:29:12,301
♪ I'M LOOKIN' A WOODY ON MY NIGHT
AWAY ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE IF I DON'T THEN I THINK
330
00:29:12,325 --> 00:29:18,540
I'LL GO GAY ♪ ♪ OH, BONER, BONER,
BONER THAT'S WHAT TONIGHT'S
331
00:29:18,564 --> 00:29:25,814
ALL ABOUT ♪ ♪ EVERY SINGLE
CAN EXPECT EXCEPT FOR THE GUY
332
00:29:25,838 --> 00:29:33,838
WHO FOUND OUT ♪ ♪ I'M THE FRIEND
FROM HOME I'M FEELING LIKE A LONER ♪
333
00:29:35,214 --> 00:29:42,498
♪ THIS GUYS DON'T GET OUR INSIDE
JOKES THAT'S WHY I NEED MY BONER ♪
334
00:29:42,522 --> 00:29:47,169
♪ 'CAUSE IT DON'T MATTER WHERE
YOU'RE FROM ♪ ♪ JUST GET A HARD ON
335
00:29:47,193 --> 00:29:55,193
AND SING ALONG ♪ ♪ OH, BONER, BONER,
BONER BONER NEXT TO MY FRIENDS ♪
336
00:29:57,603 --> 00:30:05,387
♪ WE'RE ALL ROCK HARD IN ONE BIG
ROOM AND WE'LL NEVER DISCUSS IT AGAIN ♪
337
00:30:05,411 --> 00:30:12,661
♪ THESE ARE MY BEST FRIENDS MY BROTHERHOOD,
MY CREW ♪ ♪ AND WE HONOR A
338
00:30:12,685 --> 00:30:20,685
TIMELESS TRANSITION ♪ ♪ MY DAD
GOT HARD WITH HIS FRIENDS, TOO ♪
339
00:30:22,161 --> 00:30:28,043
AMAZING JOB, LADIES. WE DIDN'T DO
ANYTHING. YEAH, YOU JUST SANG ABOUT
340
00:30:28,067 --> 00:30:31,246
YOUR STIFFY DING-DONGS THE
WHOLE TIME. COME ON, BRING IT IN, GUYS.
341
00:30:31,270 --> 00:30:33,148
COME HERE. WE LOVE YOU,
MICKEY. I LOVE YOU, GUYS.
342
00:30:33,172 --> 00:30:37,820
YES! >> BYE BYE. OW, OW, OW.
343
00:30:37,844 --> 00:30:43,449
OW, OW,
OW. TRAFFIC JAM. [ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]
344
00:30:52,425 --> 00:31:00,425
NICK JONAS. [ CHEERING
AND APPLAUSE ] ♪♪
345
00:31:08,541 --> 00:31:12,154
♪ HOUSTON, THINK WE GOT SOME
PROBLEMS FIND SOMEBODY WHO
346
00:31:12,178 --> 00:31:20,178
CAN SOLVE 'EM ♪ ♪ I FEEL LIKE A
SPACEMAN I FEEL LIKE A SPACEMAN
347
00:31:21,054 --> 00:31:25,768
TV TELLS ME WHAT TO THINK BAD
NEWS ♪ ♪ MAYBE I SHOULD DRINK
348
00:31:25,792 --> 00:31:32,441
'CAUSE I FEEL LIKE A SPACEMAN
I FEEL LIKE A SPACEMAN ♪
349
00:31:32,465 --> 00:31:37,146
♪ THEY SAY IT'S A PHASE IT'LL CHANGE
IF WE VOTE AND I PRAY THAT IT WILL
350
00:31:37,170 --> 00:31:44,920
BUT I KNOW THAT IT WON'T ♪ ♪ I'M A
SPACEMAN YEAH, I'M A SPACEMAN
351
00:31:44,944 --> 00:31:49,091
AND THE NUMBERS ARE HIGH BUT WE KEEP
GOIN' DOWN ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE WE AIN'T SUPPOSED
352
00:31:49,115 --> 00:31:56,899
TO LIVE WITH NOBODY AROUND I'M
A SPACEMAN YEAH, I'M A SPACEMAN ♪
353
00:31:56,923 --> 00:32:01,570
♪ AND I'M TALKING TO YOU BUT IT
NEVER FEELS LIKE IT COMES THROUGH
354
00:32:01,594 --> 00:32:06,275
I'M ON MY OWN ♪ ♪ I'M A SPACEMAN YEAH,
YEAH
355
00:32:06,299 --> 00:32:10,946
I'M A SPACEMAN FROM THE
DARK SIDE ♪ ♪ OF THE MOON
356
00:32:10,970 --> 00:32:15,117
I KNOW THAT IT'S SAD BUT
IT'S TRUE I'M TRYNA GET HOME ♪
357
00:32:15,141 --> 00:32:22,391
♪ I'M A SPACEMAN YEAH,
YEAH I'M A SPACEMAN
358
00:32:22,415 --> 00:32:27,596
MASK OFF MINUTE I GET HOME ♪
♪ ALL SAFE NOW THAT I'M ALONE
359
00:32:27,620 --> 00:32:35,404
ALMOST LIKE A SPACEMAN I FEEL
LIKE A SPACEMAN ♪ ♪ KEEP ON THINKING
360
00:32:35,428 --> 00:32:43,178
THAT WE'RE CLOSE NO DRUGS STILL
AN OVERDOSE I'M IN OUTER SPACE MAN ♪
361
00:32:43,202 --> 00:32:48,917
♪ I FEEL LIKE A SPACEMAN AND I'M
TALKING TO YOU BUT IT NEVER FEELS
362
00:32:48,941 --> 00:32:54,123
LIKE IT COMES THROUGH ♪ ♪
OUT ON MY OWN I'M A SPACEMAN
363
00:32:54,147 --> 00:32:58,260
YEAH,
YEAH I'M A SPACEMAN ♪ ♪ FROM THE DARK SIDE
364
00:32:58,284 --> 00:33:04,533
OF THE MOON I KNOW
THAT IT'S SAD BUT IT'S TRUE ♪
365
00:33:04,557 --> 00:33:08,737
♪ I'M TRYNA GET HOME I'M A SPACEMAN YEAH,
YEAH
366
00:33:08,761 --> 00:33:14,410
I'M A SPACEMAN ♪ ♪ HARD
TIMES MAKE YOU LOVE THE VIEW
367
00:33:14,434 --> 00:33:20,115
RIGHT NOW THINK I'M GETTING
THROUGH ♪ ♪ ONLY WAY THAT I CAN
368
00:33:20,139 --> 00:33:26,355
BUT I FEEL LIKE A SPACEMAN AND I'M
TALKING TO YOU BUT IT NEVER FEELS ♪
369
00:33:26,379 --> 00:33:31,060
♪ LIKE IT COMES THROUGH
OUT ON MY OWN I'M A SPACEMAN
370
00:33:31,084 --> 00:33:35,764
YEAH,
YEAH ♪ ♪ I'M A SPACEMAN FROM THE DARK SIDE
371
00:33:35,788 --> 00:33:41,970
OF THE MOON I KNOW THAT
IT'S SAD ♪ ♪ BUT IT'S TRUE
372
00:33:41,994 --> 00:33:46,141
I'M TRYNA GET HOME I'M A SPACEMAN YEAH,
YEAH, I'M A SPACEMAN ♪
373
00:33:46,165 --> 00:33:51,313
♪ OUT ON MY OWN DON'T WANNA
BE ALONE DON'T WANNA BE
374
00:33:51,337 --> 00:33:56,018
DON'T WANNA BE ♪ ♪ OUT ON
MY OWN DON'T WANNA BE ALONE
375
00:33:56,042 --> 00:33:59,722
DON'T WANNA BE DON'T
WANNA BE ♪ ♪ OUT ON MY OWN
376
00:33:59,746 --> 00:34:07,746
I'M A SPACEMAN
I'M A SPACEMAN ♪ ♪♪
377
00:34:32,779 --> 00:34:37,860
♪♪ IT'S WEEKEND UPDATE WITH
COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE.
378
00:34:37,884 --> 00:34:45,884
[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ] ♪♪ GOOD EVENING,
EVERYONE.
379
00:34:49,829 --> 00:34:53,442
WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE."
I'M MICHAEL CHE. I'M COLIN JOST.
380
00:34:53,466 --> 00:34:57,112
WELL, JUST LIKE ME WHEN I'M DRUNK, CONGRESS
DECIDED TO SPEND A BUNCH OF MONEY AT 2:30 IN THE
381
00:34:57,136 --> 00:35:04,853
MORNING. THEY PASSED A $1.9
TRILLION STIMULUS BILL, AND REPUBLICANS
382
00:35:04,877 --> 00:35:09,058
ARE CALLING IT A LIBERAL WISH
LIST. BUT I DON'T KNOW, I THINK A
383
00:35:09,082 --> 00:35:14,163
LIBERAL WISH LIST WOULD BE AVOCADO TOAST
WITH CHRISSY TEIGEN, FREE COLLEGE FOR PETS,
384
00:35:14,187 --> 00:35:20,969
AND A HIP-HOP MUSICAL ABOUT ANDERSON
COOPER STARRING LIN-MANUEL MIRANDA.
385
00:35:20,993 --> 00:35:25,808
SENATOR LINDSEY GRAHAM SAID HE'S VERY PLEASED
THAT THE BILL WILL NOT INCLUDE AN INCREASE TO THE
386
00:35:25,832 --> 00:35:31,513
MINIMUM WAGE BECAUSE OVER THE YEARS GRAHAM HAS
ACTUALLY GROWN TO LOVE THE TASTE OF FAST FOOD
387
00:35:31,537 --> 00:35:37,119
WORKER SPIT. SENATOR JOHN THUNE
SAID HE OPPOSED THE $15 MINIMUM WAGE
388
00:35:37,143 --> 00:35:41,957
BECAUSE HE USED TO GET BY ON $6 AN HOUR AS
A YOUNG MAN. BUT THAT WAS LIKE 40 YEARS AGO
389
00:35:41,981 --> 00:35:48,030
WHEN RENT WAS LIKE A DOLLAR AND EVERYBODY HAD
ONE PORNO TAPE. SEE, THIS IS WHY DEMOCRATS NEVER
390
00:35:48,054 --> 00:35:52,368
GET STUFF DONE. YOU KEEP LEAVING IT
TO A VOTE AND TAKING "NO" FOR AN ANSWER.
391
00:35:52,392 --> 00:35:57,406
WHEN REPUBLICANS LOSE THE VOTE, THEY STORM
THE CAPITOL. WHY CAN'T Y'ALL GET THAT MAD.
392
00:35:57,430 --> 00:36:05,430
SAY WHAT YOU WILL ABOUT A VIKING HELMET TAKING
A DUMP IN NANCY PELOSI'S DESK, BUT HE WILL NOT
393
00:36:06,205 --> 00:36:12,354
BE IGNORED. TOMORROW NIGHT DONALD
TRUMP WILL GIVE THE KEYNOTE ADDRESS AT
394
00:36:12,378 --> 00:36:16,291
THE CONSERVATIVE POLITICAL ACTION
CONFERENCE. FOR A PREVIEW OF THE SPEECH,
395
00:36:16,315 --> 00:36:24,315
GIVE YOUR GRANDPA COCAINE. SENATOR TED CRUZ
IS ALWAYS THE KILL IN F MARY KILL, HE TAPED
396
00:36:26,759 --> 00:36:30,739
HIS HALF HOUR SPECIAL AT THE CPAC
THIS WEEK. HERE IS A SAMPLE OF THE KILLER
397
00:36:30,763 --> 00:36:36,945
SET. I HAVE GOT TO SAY,
ORLANDO IS AWESOME!
398
00:36:36,969 --> 00:36:44,520
IT IS NOT AS NICE AS CANCUN. YEAH, NO, YOU
DON'T DO THAT. NO, YOU ARE NOT IN ON THE JOKE.
399
00:36:44,544 --> 00:36:52,544
IT IS NOT FOR YOU TO ENJOY. ALSO,
WHAT GROWN MAN YELLS ORLANDO IS AWESOME?
400
00:36:53,986 --> 00:36:59,568
YOU HEAR A GROWN MAN YELL ORDINARY IS AWESOME,
YOU SHOULD PROBABLY CHECK HIS HARD DRIVE.
401
00:36:59,592 --> 00:37:04,106
THE BIDEN ADMINISTRATION IS HOPING TO PERSUADE
MORE BLACK PEOPLE TO GET VACCINATED BY
402
00:37:04,130 --> 00:37:09,945
SETTING UP VACCINATION SITES IN CHURCHES, AND
I'M SURE BIDEN MEANS WELL BUT IT IS SUCH AN OLD
403
00:37:09,969 --> 00:37:13,716
WHITE GUY IDEA. YOU KNOW THAT IDEA
STARTED WITH THE WORD, HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT
404
00:37:13,740 --> 00:37:21,740
THOSE PEOPLE LOVE? DURING THE GOLDEN
GLOBES THIS SUNDAY A NEW COMMERCIAL
405
00:37:21,881 --> 00:37:25,527
WILL AIR THAT WILL BE THE FIRST TO EVER
SHOW LACTATING BREASTS ON TELEVISION.
406
00:37:25,551 --> 00:37:33,035
UNFORTUNATELY, THOSE BREASTS BELONG TO
THE GREEN M & M. THE FDA HAS AUTHORIZED A
407
00:37:33,059 --> 00:37:38,107
VACCINE FROM NEW JERSEY-BASED COMPANY JOHNSON
& JOHNSON. JOHNSON & JOHNSON WILL NOW PAIR
408
00:37:38,131 --> 00:37:46,131
THE VACCINE WITH NEEDLES FROM NEW JERSEY'S
NUMBER ONE SYRINGE SUPPLIER, THE BEACH.
409
00:37:48,574 --> 00:37:54,723
WE ARE ALMOST HALFWAY THROUGH THE NBA SEASON
AND THE FRONT-RUNNER FOR ROOKIE OF THE
410
00:37:54,747 --> 00:38:00,896
YEAR IS MELLOW BALL. HERE TO COMMENT
IS HIS OUTSPOKEN FATHER, LaVAR BALL.
411
00:38:00,920 --> 00:38:07,102
HOW YOU DOING, MICHAEL? ME,
I'M INCREDIBLE. THAT'S GOOD TO HEAR.
412
00:38:07,126 --> 00:38:10,539
WE HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN A WHILE. I WAS WORRIED
WITH ALL OF THIS COVID STUFF YOU MIGHT NOT BE
413
00:38:10,563 --> 00:38:15,844
OKAY. MAN, I'M PERFECT. I
ALREADY GOT TEN SHOTS OF EACH
414
00:38:15,868 --> 00:38:22,584
VACCINE. FIVE OF THEM MODERNA,
JOHNSON & JOHNSON, AND MY OWN HOME REMEDY,
415
00:38:22,608 --> 00:38:30,608
LOOK VAL TRICKS. IT OCCURS HERPES BROUGHT
ON BY COVID-19, THE A/K/A THE MACARONI
416
00:38:35,088 --> 00:38:38,300
VIRUS. IT HAS BEEN A
GOOD YEAR FOR MELLOW.
417
00:38:38,324 --> 00:38:46,324
YES. AND HE IS PLAYING FOR THE
MOST GREAT TEAM, CHARLOTTE HORNETS.
418
00:38:46,566 --> 00:38:52,781
THE REGIONAL BACON CAPITAL OF
THE WORLD. GATEWAY TO GASTONIA, NO
419
00:38:52,805 --> 00:38:57,686
MOUNTAINS OR OCEAN, BUT ENOUGH HUMIDITY
TO MAKE YOUR BALLS STICKY AS TAFFY.
420
00:38:57,710 --> 00:39:01,457
YOU THINK HE IS GOING TO WIN ROOKIE
OF THE YEAR? HE HAS ALL OF THE AWARDS
421
00:39:01,481 --> 00:39:06,762
LOCKED UP. ROOKIE OF THE YEAR,
LOCKED UP. MVP, LOCKED UP.
422
00:39:06,786 --> 00:39:13,402
PRETTY AS HOG AT THE MECKLENBURG COUNTY FAIR,
LOCKED UP. THAT MEANS HE HAS SOME GOOD ASS
423
00:39:13,426 --> 00:39:18,240
BACON. MVP,
WHAT ABOUT LeBRON OR GIANNIS?
424
00:39:18,264 --> 00:39:24,480
MAN, DON'T TALK TO ME ABOUT
GIANNIS. HE HAS GOT THIS.
425
00:39:24,504 --> 00:39:31,620
AFTER HE HAS WON HE IS GOING TO UNITE BOTH
NORTH AND SOUTH CAROLINA INTO A SUPER CAROLINA.
426
00:39:31,644 --> 00:39:39,644
CALLED CAROLOSUS, MONSTER OF
THE SOUTH. NEVER LOST TO GODZILLA.
427
00:39:43,756 --> 00:39:46,769
NEVER TO THE ZILLA. LOOKS
LIKE IT IS COMING TOGETHER.
428
00:39:46,793 --> 00:39:52,541
IT SURE IS, MICHAEL. MELO IS THE QUEEN OF
CHARLOTTE. THE MY OTHER SON IS THE BARON OF
429
00:39:52,565 --> 00:39:59,148
THE BIO. AND I HAVE A FOURTH SON
TEARING UP THE AUSTRALIAN LEAGUE.
430
00:39:59,172 --> 00:40:02,651
LA DINGO. LA DINGO? YES,
HE WILL DUNK ON YOU AND
431
00:40:02,675 --> 00:40:05,688
STEAL YOUR BABY. WELL, WITH ALL OF
YOUR SUCCESS, I'M SURPRISED YOU ARE
432
00:40:05,712 --> 00:40:10,259
NOT CASHING IN ALL OF YOUR
BIG BALLER BRAND. OH, NO, NO, I AM.
433
00:40:10,283 --> 00:40:16,131
INTRODUCING THE NEWEST BIG BALLER SHOES,
SPECIALLY DESIGNED BY THE MELO RIGHT IN THE
434
00:40:16,155 --> 00:40:21,403
CAROLINAS, PRESENTED THE
CARAMELOS. IS THAT A CHOCOLATE SHOE?
435
00:40:21,427 --> 00:40:28,744
YES, INDEED. NOW YOU CAN JUMP 30 FEET
IN THE AIR WHILE YOUR FEET ARE COVERED
436
00:40:28,768 --> 00:40:36,452
IN SWEET. COVER DIGGER DUGGER DUNKUS,
BUT THAT'S NOT ALL.
437
00:40:36,476 --> 00:40:44,476
THAT'S NOT ALL EVERY PAIR OF CARAMEL
OWE COMES WITH REAL CARAMEL INSIDE.
438
00:40:45,351 --> 00:40:52,935
IT IS CHOCOLATE, CARAMEL, NOUGAT AND IT
FEATURES ALEXIS. ALEXIS, WHAT IS AMERICA'S TOP
439
00:40:52,959 --> 00:40:57,740
HIGH PERFORMANCE FOOTWEAR.
THE 2021 CARAMELOS. NEVER LOST.
440
00:40:57,764 --> 00:41:05,764
ALEXA, YOU ARE A BAD MAMA
JAMMA. PICK YOURSELF UP A PAIR.
441
00:41:06,506 --> 00:41:10,753
$2,000, SEVEN-MONTH WAIT LIST. AVAILABLE
EXCLUSIVELY ON MY CELLPHONE BETWEEN THE HOURS OF
442
00:41:10,777 --> 00:41:18,327
3:00 AND 6:00 P.M. MOUNTAIN
TIME. LaVAR BALL, EVERYBODY.
443
00:41:18,351 --> 00:41:25,267
ON THE LOOSE. NIGHT
AND DAY. NIGHT AND DAY.
444
00:41:25,291 --> 00:41:30,039
KELSEY GRAMMER ANNOUNCED HE
WILL STAR IN A REVIVAL OF "FRASIER."
445
00:41:30,063 --> 00:41:37,346
FOR THOSE TO YOUNG TO REMEMBER, "FRASIER"
WAS THE SHOW THAT MADE "FRIENDS" LOOK BLACK.
446
00:41:37,370 --> 00:41:42,551
AND AMERICAN AIRLINES PILOT REPORTED DURING
A FLIGHT OVER NEW MEXICO HE SAW A LONG
447
00:41:42,575 --> 00:41:46,288
CYLINDER OBJECT COME CLOSE TO HIS
PLANE. SORRY, THAT WAS JUST OUR ENGINE,
448
00:41:46,312 --> 00:41:52,795
SAID UNITED. A SAILOR WHO FELL
OVERBOARD SURVIVED FOR 14 HOURS IN THE
449
00:41:52,819 --> 00:41:55,464
PACIFIC OCEAN BY FLOATING ON A LARGE PIECE
OF GARBAGE. "SORRY, THAT WAS OUR OTHER
450
00:41:55,488 --> 00:42:03,488
ENGINE," SAID UNITED. DISNEY PLUS HAS
PLACED A DISCLAIMER IN FRONT OF OLD
451
00:42:05,932 --> 00:42:11,513
EPISODES OF "THE MUPPET SHOW"
WARNING VIEWERS IT FEATURES OFFENSIVE.
452
00:42:11,537 --> 00:42:14,116
I JUST WANT TO ASK, WHO IS ABOUT TO WATCH "THE
MUPPETS," THEN SAW A WARNING AND THOUGHT, "I BETTER
453
00:42:14,140 --> 00:42:16,185
NOT"? IF ANYTHING, YOU'D BE LIKE,
"I'VE GOT TO SEE THIS EPISODE OF
454
00:42:16,209 --> 00:42:24,209
'THE MUPPETS'!" DOES GONZO
FINALLY HAVE SEX WITH THE CHICKEN?
455
00:42:25,084 --> 00:42:29,765
A NEW STUDY SHOWS THAT THE CORONAVIRUS
LOWERED THE AVERAGE LIFE EXPECTANCY FOR BLACK
456
00:42:29,789 --> 00:42:34,403
AMERICANS BY NEARLY THREE YEARS. IN FACT, THE
CORONAVIRUS IS SO DEADLY TO BLACK AMERICANS IT'S
457
00:42:34,427 --> 00:42:42,427
BEING SUSPENDED WITH PAY. NEW YORK CITY
STEAKHOUSE PETER LUGER PARTNERED WITH
458
00:42:45,872 --> 00:42:51,587
MADAME TUSSAUDS TO FILL THE DINING ROOM WITH
WAX FIGURES OF CELEBRITIES DURING THE PANDEMIC.
459
00:42:51,611 --> 00:42:57,292
SO YOU CAN GO ENJOY A STEAK WITH JIMMY FALLON,
OR HAVE A DESSERT WITH AUDREY HEPBURN, OR A DRINK
460
00:42:57,316 --> 00:43:05,316
WITH... OH, NO, BILL COSBY! RESEARCHERS HAVE
DISCOVERED A PIECE OF 20 MILLION-YEAR-OLD
461
00:43:07,226 --> 00:43:10,839
PETRIFIED WOOD ON THE GREEK ISLAND
OF LESBOS. THEY KNEW IT WAS FROM LESBOS
462
00:43:10,863 --> 00:43:18,863
BECAUSE IT'S DOUBLE-ENDED. YOU'RE NOT GOING
TO LIKE THIS. THE CHIEF OF THE CHEROKEE
463
00:43:23,676 --> 00:43:27,089
NATION IS CALLING ON CARMAKER JEEP TO STOP
USING THE TRIBE'S NAME ON ITS VEHICLES.
464
00:43:27,113 --> 00:43:35,113
SO JEEP HAS AGREED TO CHANGE THE NAME TO,
OH, NO, THE AUNT JEMIMA MOBILE.
465
00:43:37,690 --> 00:43:42,905
CONGRESSWOMAN MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE
CAUSED MORE CONTROVERSY AFTER SHE PUT UP A
466
00:43:42,929 --> 00:43:47,609
SIGN OUTSIDE THE OFFICE OF A CONGRESSWOMAN
WITH A TRANSGENDER THAT SAID, THERE ARE TWO
467
00:43:47,633 --> 00:43:52,081
GENDERS, MALE AND FEMALE. TRUST THE
SCIENCE. HERE TO COMMENT IS MARJORIE
468
00:43:52,105 --> 00:43:55,718
TAYLOR GREENE. HELLO,
COLIN. I THINK I SAT ON A GUN.
469
00:43:55,742 --> 00:43:59,021
IS THIS MINOR YOURS? NO,
I THINK YOU KNOW IT IS YOURS.
470
00:43:59,045 --> 00:44:01,056
MINE, OKAY. YEAH. PERFECT.
471
00:44:01,080 --> 00:44:06,028
YOU HAVE ONLY BEEN IN OFFICE A FEW WEEKS
AND YOU HAVE ALREADY MADE A LOT OF NEWS.
472
00:44:06,052 --> 00:44:10,099
I KNOW. YOU KNOW WHAT,
THEY'RE CALLING ME CONGRESS'S NEW IT GIRL.
473
00:44:10,123 --> 00:44:15,170
IT LIKE THE NEW THING? NO, IT LIKE THE
EVIL CLOWN THAT PREYS ON CHILDREN.
474
00:44:15,194 --> 00:44:17,973
YEAH. WHY DID YOU PUT UP
THAT SIGN OUTSIDE YOUR OFFICE?
475
00:44:17,997 --> 00:44:22,077
BECAUSE WE HAVE TO TRUST THE SCIENCE,
COLIN. YOU KNOW ME.
476
00:44:22,101 --> 00:44:28,217
I'M A SCIENCE PERSON. I LOVE
SCIENCE. I'M ALWAYS TALKING SCIENCE.
477
00:44:28,241 --> 00:44:31,754
OKAY. UNLESS THAT SCIENCE IS
ABOUT CLIMATE CHANGE, CORONAVIRUS,
478
00:44:31,778 --> 00:44:39,778
SPACE LASERS, EVOLUTION, THE METRICS SYSTEM,
THE RHYTHM METHOD, LIVING ON MARS, JESUS'S
479
00:44:39,852 --> 00:44:45,534
SKIN COLOR, BY THEWAY WHICH IS
WHITE. YOU SEE, SCIENCE TEACHES US
480
00:44:45,558 --> 00:44:50,139
THERE ARE TWO GENDERS BECAUSE OUR
BODIES ARE MADE BY GOD A CERTAIN WAY, OKAY.
481
00:44:50,163 --> 00:44:54,977
FOR WOMEN IT IS MILK, MILK, LEMONADE,
AROUND THE CORNER FUDGE IS MADE.
482
00:44:55,001 --> 00:45:02,785
FOR BOYS IT IS BIG HAIRY CHEST LIKE KING
KONG, CRACK IN THE BUTT, TWO BALLS, DING-DONG.
483
00:45:02,809 --> 00:45:06,455
THIS IS WHAT SCIENCE TEACHES US? YES,
THAT IS SCIENCE.
484
00:45:06,479 --> 00:45:10,025
YEAH. WE'RE ALL ENDOWED
WITH TRADITIONAL GENDER ROLES.
485
00:45:10,049 --> 00:45:14,363
OKAY. I'M A WOMAN, SO IT IS MY JOB
TO BULLY, THREATEN AND FIGHT MY
486
00:45:14,387 --> 00:45:22,071
FEMALE COLLEAGUES.
SCIENTISTS CALL THESE CAT
487
00:45:22,095 --> 00:45:25,374
FIGHTS. I'M NOT SURE.
YOU THINK I'M CRAZY.
488
00:45:25,398 --> 00:45:31,613
SORRY, COLIN. I HAVE TO SNEEZE. UGGG,
SORRY, MY ALLERGIES.
489
00:45:31,637 --> 00:45:36,652
THAT WAS A SNEEZE? YEAH, SEE,
WHEN I WAS A LITTLE GIRL I SNEEZED ONCE AND
490
00:45:36,676 --> 00:45:44,226
NOBODY SAID "BLESS YOU"
SO A DEMON GOT IN. BLUGGGG.
491
00:45:44,250 --> 00:45:47,262
SORRY. COLIN,
I CAN'T HELP IT, I'M A FIGHTER.
492
00:45:47,286 --> 00:45:55,286
I HAVE A BOMBASTIC PERSONALITY. I FIGHT THE
DEMOCRATICS, I FIGHT SOCIALISTS AND TRAUMATIZED
493
00:45:59,499 --> 00:46:05,514
TEENAGERS WALKING ON THE TREAT,
I FIGHT MY OWN HAIR WITH A HAIR IRON AND.
494
00:46:05,538 --> 00:46:12,488
THOSE DEMOCRATS IN CONGRESS
SCISSORED ME. I THINK YOU MEAN CENSORED ME.
495
00:46:12,512 --> 00:46:17,059
I THINK YOU GOT THE WORDS MIXED
UP. MAYBE YOU SHOULD FOCUS ON THINGS
496
00:46:17,083 --> 00:46:21,930
LIKE THE COVID RELIEF BILL? DO
WHAT? DID YOU HEAR THEY ARE TRYING TO
497
00:46:21,954 --> 00:46:29,954
CANCEL MR. POTATO HEAD? YEAH, THE WOKE, RADICAL
LIBERALS WON'T HIM BE PROUD OF HIS POTATO
498
00:46:31,931 --> 00:46:33,842
PENIS. I'M THE CRAZY
ONE. I DON'T THINK IT IS THE
499
00:46:33,866 --> 00:46:35,778
ISSUE. IS THAT A PRIORITY
FOR A CONGRESSWOMAN?
500
00:46:35,802 --> 00:46:42,651
ALL I'M SAYING IS IF MR. POTATO HEAD IS
ALLOWED TO MARRY ANOTHER MR. POTATO HEAD I
501
00:46:42,675 --> 00:46:48,190
WILL KILL MYSELF. IS THAT CRAZY? YES,
THAT'S CRAZY.
502
00:46:48,214 --> 00:46:50,650
MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE,
EVERYONE. I'M COLIN JOST.
503
00:46:59,392 --> 00:47:05,007
♪♪ ALL RIGHT. NEXT RIDERS,
PLEASE.
504
00:47:05,031 --> 00:47:08,711
DUDE, I'M SO GLAD WORLDS OF FUN
REOPENED. LIKE, I THOUGHT THEY WERE GOING
505
00:47:08,735 --> 00:47:12,815
TO HAVE TO CANCEL JUNIOR YEAR
TRIP. I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WON
506
00:47:12,839 --> 00:47:15,617
THE STUFFED GUY FROM "SOUL." I KNOW. I'VE,
LIKE, NEVER WON THE RING
507
00:47:15,641 --> 00:47:18,554
TOSS. MY LUCKY DAY
I GUESS. [ LAUGHTER ]
508
00:47:18,578 --> 00:47:22,191
ALSO, BRINKLEY, LIKE, HOW HAVE YOU
NEVER RIDDEN THE VIKING VOYAGER?
509
00:47:22,215 --> 00:47:26,862
I DON'T KNOW. I, LIKE,
THINK WATER IS SCARY. ME TOO.
510
00:47:26,886 --> 00:47:29,965
I'M A FOOL BABY IN THE SHOWER. YO,
THE VIKING VOYAGER IS SICK.
511
00:47:29,989 --> 00:47:34,737
I'LL PROTECT YOU. SHUT UP. SO ARE YOU TWO,
LIKE, RIDING
512
00:47:34,761 --> 00:47:42,761
TOGETHER? OH, I STRAIGHT UP DON'T CARE. OH,
WE LIKE TO HAVE PAIR UP
513
00:47:43,970 --> 00:47:46,448
FOR THE RIDE, HUH? YEAH. LIKE,
HOW MANY EVEN IS IT TO,
514
00:47:46,472 --> 00:47:49,084
LIKE, A FLUME? I THINK IT IS TWO
MAX. I THINK TYPICALLY GUY/GIRL, BUT
515
00:47:49,108 --> 00:47:53,022
I DON'T CARE. YEAH. REALLY.
516
00:47:53,046 --> 00:47:56,158
FRESIAN AND MALCOLM SAID THEY WOULD
RIDE TOGETHER. OOH, UH, I DON'T CARE.
517
00:47:56,182 --> 00:48:00,329
SO, SURE. YEAH,
WHATEVER MAKES SENSE FOR THE GROUP.
518
00:48:00,353 --> 00:48:05,000
LIKE HEIGHT WISE,
TOO. OKAY. IF IT'S HEIGHT WISE I GUESS ME
519
00:48:05,024 --> 00:48:10,205
AND BRINKLEY MAKE SENSE? YEAH,
I FEEL LIKE HEIGHT WISE THAT CHECKS OUT.
520
00:48:10,229 --> 00:48:14,343
YEAH. UM, YES. SO THEN,
UM, COOK WOULD YOU BE
521
00:48:14,367 --> 00:48:19,581
COOL RIDING WITH A GUY FROM "SOUL?" UM,
I KIND OF FEEL LIKE I
522
00:48:19,605 --> 00:48:25,287
RODE WITH HIM ON THE LAST RIDE, AND THE RIDE
BEFORE THAT. SO I THINK IT MAKES SENSE FOR ME
523
00:48:25,311 --> 00:48:28,924
TO RIDE WITH A PERSON, OR A GIRL THIS
TIME. BUT, LITERALLY, ALL I CARE ABOUT
524
00:48:28,948 --> 00:48:33,095
IS GETTING WET. WAIT, BRINKLEY AND BRET,
DIDN'T YOU GUYS RIDE TOGETHER ON
525
00:48:33,119 --> 00:48:36,198
ZULU. >> WE DID? DID WE?
526
00:48:36,222 --> 00:48:40,402
UHM, I THINK, LIKE, I EITHER RODE
ALONE OR WITH THE GUY FROM "SOUL."
527
00:48:40,426 --> 00:48:44,006
NO. PRETTY SURE JOE GARDNER
HAS ONLY RIDDEN WITH ME.
528
00:48:44,030 --> 00:48:48,744
WHO IS JOE GARDNER? UH, THE GUY
FROM "SOUL." YEAH, I DEFINITELY REMEMBER
529
00:48:48,768 --> 00:48:52,348
BEING WITH HIM ON THE ZULU AND THE
MAMBA. I DON'T CARE, BUT IF WE WANT TO
530
00:48:52,372 --> 00:48:56,518
KEEP IT EVEN, I DON'T THINK I SHOULD BE THE
- - ALWAYS RIDING WITH THE GUY FROM "SOUL".
531
00:48:56,542 --> 00:48:59,121
OKAY. I MEAN I CAN RIDE WITH YOU,
COOK.
532
00:48:59,145 --> 00:49:02,224
MALCOLM, YOU COOL TO RIDE WITH THE
GUY FROM "SOUL?" WELL, ISN'T THIS THE ONE
533
00:49:02,248 --> 00:49:05,861
WHERE WE'RE, KINDA LIKE,
SUPPOSED TO KIND OF SIT IN HIS LAP?
534
00:49:05,885 --> 00:49:09,531
WAIT,
WHAT? YOU DO? HOW DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
535
00:49:09,555 --> 00:49:17,306
I THINK WE, LIKE, HAVE ENOUGH TIME TO
DO A DEMO. JUST TO PRACTICE, I GUESS.
536
00:49:17,330 --> 00:49:21,810
OKAY. SO I GUESS I'LL SIT HERE,
AND THEN YOU'D BE BETWEEN MY LEGS, I
537
00:49:21,834 --> 00:49:23,779
GUESS. OKAY. YOU WANT ME TO TRY?
538
00:49:23,803 --> 00:49:27,783
RIGHT, FOR LIKE, HEIGHT. OH, RIGHT,
HEIGHT. BECAUSE I DON'T CARE.
539
00:49:27,807 --> 00:49:32,287
I FEEL LIKE FOR HEIGHT I WOULD BE
BETTER BEHIND. OH, NO, THIS IS GOOD FOR
540
00:49:32,311 --> 00:49:35,991
HEIGHT. SHOULD WE? OH,
YEAH, DEMO HOW TO SIT?
541
00:49:36,015 --> 00:49:38,794
SURE. I WOULD BE LIKE THIS,
RIGHT? YEAH.
542
00:49:38,818 --> 00:49:42,998
AND THEN YOU WOULD BE HERE, BUT WHAT DO I DO
WITH MY ARMS BECAUSE I DON'T WANT THEM TO GET
543
00:49:43,022 --> 00:49:46,168
WET. I THINK THEY WOULD BE
LIKE MY SEATBELT, LIKE THIS.
544
00:49:46,192 --> 00:49:51,573
OKAY. WE ACTUALLY DIDN'T DEMO
THAT. LIKE SHOULD WE PRACTICE?
545
00:49:51,597 --> 00:49:54,810
LIKE FOR HEIGHT? YEAH,
FOR HEIGHT. I GUESS LIKE THIS.
546
00:49:54,834 --> 00:50:02,184
YEAH, AND THEN, COOK, WOULD YOU WANT
TO TRY GETTING IN WITH THE GUY FROM "SOUL"?
547
00:50:02,208 --> 00:50:06,755
LIKE FOR HEIGHT? UM, OKAY. OKAY.
548
00:50:06,779 --> 00:50:11,627
ALL YOURS, COOK. OKAY. SO I
GUESS I WOULD BE BACK HERE.
549
00:50:11,651 --> 00:50:16,165
YEAH, AND THEN JOE WOULD BE IN YOUR LAP,
COOK. OKAY.
550
00:50:16,189 --> 00:50:20,035
SO LIKE THIS OR... YEAH, BUT THAT
DOESN'T MAKE SENSE HEIGHT WISE, COOK.
551
00:50:20,059 --> 00:50:22,638
YEAH, HE'S TALLER THAN YOU,
COOK. YEAH.
552
00:50:22,662 --> 00:50:24,707
LIKE, SO "SOUL" GUY SHOULD BE BEHIND YOU,
COOK. OKAY.
553
00:50:24,731 --> 00:50:29,545
SO I'M IN HIS LAP? EXACTLY,
COOK. YEAH.
554
00:50:29,569 --> 00:50:33,482
ALL RIGHT. YEAH,
LET ME JUST... GET HIM AROUND.
555
00:50:33,506 --> 00:50:41,506
[ LAUGHTER ] SO IT
WOULD BE MORE LIKE...
556
00:50:42,315 --> 00:50:44,893
SO MORE LIKE THIS?
YES. PROBABLY LIKE...
557
00:50:44,917 --> 00:50:46,962
YEAH. AND THEN HIS ARMS ARE YOUR SEATBELT,
COOK.
558
00:50:46,986 --> 00:50:50,099
OH,
OKAY. SO IT'S LIKE THIS? YEAH.
559
00:50:50,123 --> 00:50:52,167
YES. I MEAN ARE YOU COMFORTABLE,
COOK?
560
00:50:52,191 --> 00:50:56,338
HM, I GUESS. BUT I DON'T WANT TO, LIKE,
HUG THE GUY FROM "SOUL" IF SOMEONE
561
00:50:56,362 --> 00:50:59,475
ELSE WANTS TO TAKE A SPIN.
GOING ONCE. GOING TWICE.
562
00:50:59,499 --> 00:51:04,947
NO. >> PASS. >> ALL RIGHT.
563
00:51:04,971 --> 00:51:08,817
ALL PARTIES HERE, FOLKS? YES,
HERE WE GO. ALL RIGHT.
564
00:51:08,841 --> 00:51:13,522
ENJOY. HAVE FUN,
COOK. IT'S ROBERT.
565
00:51:13,546 --> 00:51:16,158
I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY KEEP CALLING
ME THAT. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
566
00:51:16,182 --> 00:51:24,182
♪♪ SHE THE VERY BEST AND
GETS IT ALL OFF HER CHEST.
567
00:51:32,331 --> 00:51:35,444
SHE'S MULTI-PLATINUM AND KNOWS WHAT'S
HAPPENING. IT'S "THE DIONNE WARWICK TALK
568
00:51:35,468 --> 00:51:43,468
SHOW." HELLO. WELCOME
TO "THE DIONNE WARWICK
569
00:51:43,976 --> 00:51:48,691
TALK SHOW," A SHOW WHERE I ASK
CELEBRITIES WHATEVER I WANT TO KNOW.
570
00:51:48,715 --> 00:51:55,297
THANKS AS ALWAYS TO MY PRODUCER AND MY
NIECE, BRITTANY. HEY, GLAD TO BE HERE AUNT
571
00:51:55,321 --> 00:51:58,400
DIONNE. AND NOW FOR
TODAY'S TOP NEW STORIES.
572
00:51:58,424 --> 00:52:06,208
♪♪ ♪ I KNOW I'LL NEVER
LOVE THIS WAY AGAIN ♪
573
00:52:06,232 --> 00:52:14,232
♪ HOLD ON HOLD ON ♪ >> YEAH.
574
00:52:17,944 --> 00:52:20,522
[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
]. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
575
00:52:20,546 --> 00:52:25,761
LET'S BRING OUT OUR FIRST GUEST,
THE WEEKND. [ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ].
576
00:52:25,785 --> 00:52:31,934
OKAY. WHAT IS YOUR WHOLE SITUATION? OH,
HI.
577
00:52:31,958 --> 00:52:35,070
I'M A PERFORMER,
MAYBE YOU SAW ME AT THE SUPER BOWL. YES.
578
00:52:35,094 --> 00:52:39,908
YOU GAVE ME VERTIGO. NOW, MR. WEEKND,
YOU ARE ADDICTED TO PLASTIC SURGERY,
579
00:52:39,932 --> 00:52:45,981
CORRECT? UH,
NO. WHEN YOU SAY, "I CAN'T FEEL
580
00:52:46,005 --> 00:52:50,686
MY FACE," IS THAT 'CAUSE IT IS FAKE
NOW? OH, NO, THE PLASTIC SURGERY
581
00:52:50,710 --> 00:52:53,789
WASN'T REAL. OKAY. NOW,
HERE IS A QUESTION.
582
00:52:53,813 --> 00:52:58,494
WHY ARE YOU FROM CANADA?
I DON'T UNDERSTAND. OKAY.
583
00:52:58,518 --> 00:53:01,063
THANK YOU FOR PARTICIPATING.
WONDERFUL. GOODBYE.
584
00:53:01,087 --> 00:53:07,836
TAKE CARE. [ CHEERING
AND APPLAUSE ] ALL RIGHT.
585
00:53:07,860 --> 00:53:12,007
MY NEXT GUEST IS THE REASON ALL OF
MY ASSISTANTS GOT BLOW-OUTS TODAY.
586
00:53:12,031 --> 00:53:20,031
PLEASE WELCOME NICK JONAS. [ CHEERIC
AND APPLAUSE ] THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR HAVING
587
00:53:20,773 --> 00:53:28,773
ME. OKAY. EXPLAIN YOURSELF.
588
00:53:30,616 --> 00:53:34,663
I'M NICK JONAS,
A COACH ON "THE VOICE." OKAY.
589
00:53:34,687 --> 00:53:36,899
I HAVE HEARD YOU ARE THE MOST BORING COACH,
EVEN THOUGH ONE OF THE COACHES IS JOHN LEGEND.
590
00:53:36,923 --> 00:53:39,368
HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? I DON'T
KNOW. YOU HAVE A SONG "WHAT A MAN
591
00:53:39,392 --> 00:53:44,773
GOT TO DO." WHAT'S THAT
ABOUT? GOING DOWNTOWN?
592
00:53:44,797 --> 00:53:47,343
HE'S GOT TO DO IT. I CAN'T ARGUE WITH
YOU THERE. NOW, WHAT IS "CAKE BY THE
593
00:53:47,367 --> 00:53:53,349
OCEAN." WHO THE HELL
WANTS TO EAT A SANDSY CAKE?
594
00:53:53,373 --> 00:53:56,085
WELL, THAT'S MY BROTHER'S
SONG. AS SOME PEOPLE THINK IT IS
595
00:53:56,109 --> 00:53:59,555
EUPHEMISM FOR SEX ON THE BEACH. OKAY,
WELL, NOW I LIKE YOUR ASS.
596
00:53:59,579 --> 00:54:03,192
AGAIN, NOT MY BAG. ALL RIGHT,
DO YOU AND YOUR BROTHERS EVER FIGHT?
597
00:54:03,216 --> 00:54:05,794
SOMETIMES. COULD YOU
FIGHT WENDY WILLIAMS FOR ME?
598
00:54:05,818 --> 00:54:12,401
I DON'T THINK SO.
OKAY. LAST QUESTION.
599
00:54:12,425 --> 00:54:16,905
YOUR WIFE LOOKS LIKE THIS. NOW
SHOW US YOUR PENISE [ LAUGHTER ]
600
00:54:16,929 --> 00:54:22,111
I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT. ALL
RIGHT. THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.
601
00:54:22,135 --> 00:54:28,384
[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ] NOW, BRITTANY,
I WAS NOMINATED FOR THE ROCK AND ROLL
602
00:54:28,408 --> 00:54:36,408
HALL OF FAME AND I NEED ENOUGH
VOTES TO GET IN. AM I BEATING CAROLE KING?
603
00:54:37,884 --> 00:54:40,329
NOT YET, AUNT DIONNE. WHAT ABOUT
FOO FIGHTERS? NO, AUNT DIONNE.
604
00:54:40,353 --> 00:54:45,868
WHAT ABOUT KATE BUZZ. OH,
YOU KICKING HER BUTT, AUNT DIONNE.
605
00:54:45,892 --> 00:54:48,170
OKAY. GOOD. I DON'T HAVE TO WIN,
BUT I
606
00:54:48,194 --> 00:54:50,939
CANNOT LOSE. OKAY. NOW
FOR OUR ANIMAL SEGMENT.
607
00:54:50,963 --> 00:54:54,543
[ LAUGHTER ] ♪ KEEP SMILING ♪ HI,
MS. DIONNE.
608
00:54:54,567 --> 00:54:58,747
♪ KEEP SHINING ♪ TODAY WE'RE
GOING... ♪ KNOWING YOU CAN ALWAYS
609
00:54:58,771 --> 00:55:04,987
COUNT ON ME ♪ ♪ FOR
SURE THAT'S WHAT FRIENDS
610
00:55:05,011 --> 00:55:13,011
ARE FOR ♪ [ LAUGHTER ] THANK YOU,
THANK YOU.
611
00:55:15,521 --> 00:55:18,634
ALL RIGHT. LET'S BRING OUT
OUR NEXT GUEST. DUA LIPA.
612
00:55:18,658 --> 00:55:23,739
♪♪ DUA LIPA,
WHY WOULD YOU MAKE YOUR NAME NASTY?
613
00:55:23,763 --> 00:55:29,445
THAT'S SPANISH FOR TWO LIPS. YOU'RE A HUSSIE
IN DISGUISE. THAT'S JUST MY REAL NAME.
614
00:55:29,469 --> 00:55:33,082
MAYBE YOU KNOW ME FROM ONE
OF MY SONGS. ♪ I GOT NO RULES
615
00:55:33,106 --> 00:55:40,189
I COUNT 'EM ♪ SO HERE IS A
QUESTION. LITTLE YACHTY.
616
00:55:40,213 --> 00:55:45,094
A YACHT IS SUPPOSED TO BE BIG. IF YOU
ARE A LITTLE YACHT, YOU ARE SIMPLY A BOAT.
617
00:55:45,118 --> 00:55:47,663
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO BE. NOW,
WENDY WILLIAMS ONCE
618
00:55:47,687 --> 00:55:55,204
CALLED YOU DUALA PEEP. MY LAST
QUESTION IS SHOULD WE EGG HER HOUSE?
619
00:55:55,228 --> 00:55:57,573
NOPE. OKAY. THEN WE
GOING TO TAKE MY CAR,
620
00:55:57,597 --> 00:56:02,044
BABY. THANK YOU FOR
COMING. YOU GO WAY IN THE CAR.
621
00:56:02,068 --> 00:56:05,047
[ APPLAUSE ] ALL RIGHT.
OUR NEXT GUEST I TALKED TO
622
00:56:05,071 --> 00:56:09,118
BACKSTAGE AND I AM OKAY WITH
THIS. BUT I SEE YOU WEREN'T GOOD
623
00:56:09,142 --> 00:56:11,487
WITH IT THE LAST TIME. NO,
NO, NO, NOW IT IS ALL RIGHT.
624
00:56:11,511 --> 00:56:16,725
I UNDERSTAND HE IS A VERY NICE MAN.
LET'S WELCOME MACHINE GUN KELLY.
625
00:56:16,749 --> 00:56:21,964
[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]. HEY. NO,
NO, NO.
626
00:56:21,988 --> 00:56:24,566
GET HIM OUT OF HERE. HE IS TOO
SCARY. YOU SAID YOU WAS OKAY THIS
627
00:56:24,590 --> 00:56:29,538
TIME. BABY,
I CHANGED MY MIND. HE HAS GOT TO GO.
628
00:56:29,562 --> 00:56:34,743
ALL RIGHT. LATER. MUCH BETTER.
629
00:56:34,767 --> 00:56:38,047
MUCH BETTER. OKAY,
AUDIENCE. WE ARE AT THE BEST PART OF THE
630
00:56:38,071 --> 00:56:41,150
SHOW. GO AHEAD AND
LOOK UNDER YOUR SEATS.
631
00:56:41,174 --> 00:56:47,923
EVERYBODY GETS SOMETHING. ♪ THE
MOMENT I WAKE UP ♪ IT IS TICKETS TO "THE
632
00:56:47,947 --> 00:56:53,128
DIONNE WARWICK TALK SHOW."
THAT'S RIGHT! SEE YOU TOMORROW.
633
00:56:53,152 --> 00:56:56,155
SEE YOU TOMORROW. [
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ] ♪♪
634
00:57:11,337 --> 00:57:19,011
ONCE AGAIN, NICK JONAS. ♪♪
635
00:57:28,454 --> 00:57:36,454
♪ BUT I'M HERE BECAUSE YOUR BODY MY
MOTIVATION ♪ ♪ WHAT IF WE FOUND A WAY TO GET
636
00:57:38,464 --> 00:57:45,347
CLOSE WITHOUT FEARS ♪ ♪ KEEP IN MIND WE'RE
ESCAPING ♪ ♪ IF YOU TOLD ME THAT MY FACE
637
00:57:45,371 --> 00:57:51,320
WHAT SOMETHING ♪ ♪ WOULD YOU
BELIEVE IT ♪ ♪ I WOULDN'T BELIEVE IT ♪
638
00:57:51,344 --> 00:57:59,344
♪ EVERY KISS WITH YOU IS LIKE A PRAYER FALLS
FROM MY LIPS ♪ ♪ NOW I'M A BELIEVE MANY ♪
639
00:58:01,921 --> 00:58:06,702
♪ I'M A BELIEVER ♪ ♪ THIS IS HEAVEN AND I
DON'T KNOW HOW THIS COULD GET MUCH
640
00:58:06,726 --> 00:58:13,042
BETTER ♪ ♪ YOU AND ME HERE RIGHT
NOW ♪ ♪ THIS IS HEAVEN AND EVERY TIME
641
00:58:13,066 --> 00:58:18,714
I TOUCH YOU IT GETS BETTER ♪ ♪ I'M
ON MY KNEES ♪ ♪ I CAN'T STOP NOW ♪
642
00:58:18,738 --> 00:58:26,738
♪ THIS IS HEAVEN ♪ ♪ THIS IS
HEAVEN ♪ ♪ THIS IS HEAVEN ♪
643
00:58:26,779 --> 00:58:34,779
♪ THIS IS HEAVEN ♪ ♪ THIS IS ♪ ♪
SUNLIGHT ANOTHER LONG NIGHT
644
00:58:36,489 --> 00:58:43,739
NOTHING WILL I DON'T THINK ♪ ♪ YOU HAVE MY
ATTENTION ♪ ♪ I KNOW NOTHING IS PERFECT BUT
645
00:58:43,763 --> 00:58:48,043
THIS IS CLOSE ♪ ♪ DON'T GO,
KEEP COMING IN MY DIRECTION ♪
646
00:58:48,067 --> 00:58:54,717
♪ IF YOU TOLD ME THAT MY FACE WAS ON
YOUR FINGERTIPS, I WOULDN'T BELIEVE IT ♪
647
00:58:54,741 --> 00:59:02,741
♪ I WOULDN'T BELIEVE IT ♪ ♪ IF
IT KEEPS ME YOU ON MY LIPS ♪
648
00:59:04,083 --> 00:59:10,432
♪ I'M A BELIEVER ♪ ♪ I'M A BELIEVER
♪ ♪ THIS IS HEAVEN AND I DON'T
649
00:59:10,456 --> 00:59:15,871
KNOW HOW THIS COULD GET MUCH
BETTER ♪ ♪ YOU AND ME HERE RIGHT NOW ♪
650
00:59:15,895 --> 00:59:22,344
♪ THIS IS HEAVEN ♪ ♪ AND EVERY
TIME I TOUCH YOU IT GETS BETTER ♪
651
00:59:22,368 --> 00:59:27,716
♪ I'M ON MY KNEES I CAN'T
STOP NOW ♪ ♪ THIS IS HEAVEN ♪
652
00:59:27,740 --> 00:59:32,721
♪ THIS IS HEAVEN ♪ ♪ THIS IS
HEAVEN ♪ ♪ THIS IS HEAVEN ♪
653
00:59:32,745 --> 00:59:38,994
♪ I'M ON MY KNEES ♪ ♪ I CAN'T
STOP NOW ♪ ♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪
654
00:59:39,018 --> 00:59:47,018
♪ OH, OH, OH,
OH ♪ ♪ YEAH, OO, OO ♪ ♪♪
655
00:59:59,806 --> 01:00:07,356
♪ I'M A BELIEVER ♪ ♪ OH, OH,
♪ ♪ THIS IS HEAVEN AND I DON'T
656
01:00:07,380 --> 01:00:12,261
KNOW HOW COULD THIS COULD GET MUCH
BETTER ♪ ♪ BUT YOU AND ME HERE RIGHT
657
01:00:12,285 --> 01:00:18,934
NOW ♪ ♪ THIS IS HEAVEN AND EVERY
TIME I TOUCH YOU IT GETS BETTER ♪
658
01:00:18,958 --> 01:00:24,440
♪ I'M ON MY KNEES I CAN'T
STOP NOW ♪ ♪ THIS IS HEAVEN ♪
659
01:00:24,464 --> 01:00:28,877
♪ THIS IS HEAVEN ♪ ♪ THIS IS
HEAVEN ♪ ♪ THIS IS HEAVEN ♪
660
01:00:28,901 --> 01:00:34,583
♪ I'M ON MY KNEES I CAN'T
STOP NOW ♪ ♪ THIS IS HEAVEN ♪
661
01:00:34,607 --> 01:00:41,056
♪ THIS IS HEAVEN ♪
♪ THIS IS HEAVEN ♪ ♪♪
662
01:00:41,080 --> 01:00:49,080
♪♪ ♪ THIS IS HEAVEN ♪ [
CHEERING AN APPLAUSE ]
663
01:01:16,049 --> 01:01:18,627
YOU PLAY WONDERFUL. BARTENDER,
I'LL TAKE ONE MORE, IF YOU DON'T MIND, AND
664
01:01:18,651 --> 01:01:21,764
DON'T BE STINGY WITH THE SCOTCH. OH,
HELLO. I DIDN'T SEE YOU THERE.
665
01:01:21,788 --> 01:01:24,333
BUT YOU STILL DON'T. YOU'RE LOOKING
THE WRONG WAY. I'M OVER HERE.
666
01:01:24,357 --> 01:01:27,469
OH. I SEE. I MUST HAVE
BEEN LOOKING AT YOUR
667
01:01:27,493 --> 01:01:30,572
REFLECTION IN THAT MIRROR OVER
THERE. THAT'S NOT A MIRROR, THAT'S A
668
01:01:30,596 --> 01:01:33,776
PAINTING OF A LION WITH AN
EXPLORER'S HEAD IN ITS MOUTH. OH.
669
01:01:33,800 --> 01:01:38,380
SO IT IS. YOU HAVE TO FORGIVE
ME. THIS IS MY FIRST TIME I HAVE
670
01:01:38,404 --> 01:01:42,551
BEEN OUT SINCE LOCKDOWN. SAME
FOR ME. I'M NOT USED TO BEING OUT IN
671
01:01:42,575 --> 01:01:45,654
PUBLIC AND I'M DEFINITELY NOT USED
TO FLIRTING WITH HANDSOME MEN.
672
01:01:45,678 --> 01:01:48,791
MAYBE YOU SHOULD
GIVE IT A TRY. ALL RIGHT.
673
01:01:48,815 --> 01:01:56,815
HOW'S THIS? THERE ARE MITES IN YOUR
PILLOWS, AND IF YOU SLEEP WITH YOUR MOUTH
674
01:01:59,125 --> 01:02:03,072
OPEN THEY WILL GO RIGHT IN. THAT
WASN'T GOOD. NO, I THOUGHT IT WAS CUTE.
675
01:02:03,096 --> 01:02:06,475
WHY DON'T YOU TRY A
PICKUP LINE ON ME. OKAY.
676
01:02:06,499 --> 01:02:10,412
HERE'S ONE. YOU HAVE BEAUTIFUL EYES
BUT THEY'D LOOK BETTER ON MY FLOOR.
677
01:02:10,436 --> 01:02:12,614
I DON'T THINK YOU SAID THAT RIGHT.
MAYBE JUST TRY MAKING A FLIRTY
678
01:02:12,638 --> 01:02:20,638
FACE. LIKE THIS? WOW,
THAT'S... THAT'S MAGIC.
679
01:02:21,581 --> 01:02:26,595
SPEAKING OF MAGIC, WOULD YOU LIKE TO
SEE A LITTLE... A TRICK AS AN ICE BREAKER?
680
01:02:26,619 --> 01:02:32,167
I INSIST. OKAY. I HAVEN'T
DONE THIS SINCE BEFORE
681
01:02:32,191 --> 01:02:35,204
QUARANTINE SO I HOPE I CAN.
KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE CHERRY
682
01:02:35,228 --> 01:02:40,075
STEM. ALL RIGHT. I DID IT!
683
01:02:40,099 --> 01:02:43,178
WOW. WHERE DID YOU
LEARN THAT? HOGWARTS.
684
01:02:43,202 --> 01:02:46,849
KIDDING. PRISON. KIDDING.
685
01:02:46,873 --> 01:02:50,486
PRISON, I'VE BEEN TO PRISON. A
BUNCH. THAT'S WHERE I GOT THESE
686
01:02:50,510 --> 01:02:56,225
TATTOOS. RAN OUT OF MONEY
BEFORE YOU COULD GET THE "E"?
687
01:02:56,249 --> 01:03:03,065
OH, NO, I JUST LOVE HATS. HOW ABOUT YOU,
DO YOU KNOW ANY TRICKS?
688
01:03:03,089 --> 01:03:05,934
OH, NO. WELL, I KNOW ONE,
BUT IT IS DUMB.
689
01:03:05,958 --> 01:03:09,838
OH, NO, NO, SHOW ME. I WANT TO
SEE IT. IF THE TRICK IS ANYTHING LIKE
690
01:03:09,862 --> 01:03:15,744
YOU, IT MUST BE VERY HANDSOME. WELL,
OKAY. WATCH CLOSELY.
691
01:03:15,768 --> 01:03:21,917
MEOW. IT IS STUPID. I
DIDN'T EVEN DO IT RIGHT.
692
01:03:21,941 --> 01:03:28,891
OH, NO, I LOVED IT. BARTENDER,
CAN WE GET A BOWL OF MILK, PLEASE?
693
01:03:28,915 --> 01:03:30,859
OH,
YES. RIGHT AWAY. THANK YOU SO MUCH.
694
01:03:30,883 --> 01:03:38,883
WOW. THIS IS GREAT. I LIKE YOU.
695
01:03:40,660 --> 01:03:48,660
I LIKE YOU. WOULD YOU CARE TO
DANCE? I THOUGHT YOU'D NEVER ASK.
696
01:03:49,135 --> 01:03:53,349
NO, I MEANT WITH ME. OH. OH,
I DON'T KNOW.
697
01:03:53,373 --> 01:03:57,820
IT'S BEEN SO LONG SINCE I'VE DONE ANYTHING
LIKE THAT. WHAT SONG WOULD WE DANCE TO?
698
01:03:57,844 --> 01:04:03,058
HEY, PIANO GUY. MY NAME IS
GUY PIANO! SORRY, MR. PIANO.
699
01:04:03,082 --> 01:04:06,195
DO YOU KNOW A GOOD SONG FOR
DANCING WITH A BEAUTIFUL STRANGER?
700
01:04:06,219 --> 01:04:09,832
IT'S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I'VE TAKEN
REQUESTS, BUT HOW ABOUT THIS?
701
01:04:09,856 --> 01:04:14,436
♪♪ WOW,
TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALL GAME.
702
01:04:14,460 --> 01:04:18,073
PERFECT. >> SHALL WE? ♪♪
703
01:04:18,097 --> 01:04:22,244
JUST GO SLOW, OKAY? I'VE BEEN HURT
BEFORE. I WALKED INTO A SLIDING GLASS
704
01:04:22,268 --> 01:04:26,382
DOOR TODAY. REMEMBER WHEN
THEY USED TO PLAY THIS AT BALL GAMES.
705
01:04:26,406 --> 01:04:32,054
HMM. IT'S BEEN SO LONG,
I WONDER IF WE REMEMBER THE WORDS.
706
01:04:32,078 --> 01:04:40,078
♪ TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALL
GAME PUT ME OUT IN THE SNOW ♪
707
01:04:40,386 --> 01:04:45,034
♪ BUY ME SOME PEANUTS AND HACKY
SACKS I WONDER WHAT THIS THING
708
01:04:45,058 --> 01:04:50,773
IS ON YOUR BACK ♪ ♪ AND IT IS ONE,
TWO THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX
709
01:04:50,797 --> 01:04:58,797
AND THAT'S HOW NUMBERS WORK
♪ YOU EVER THINK THINGS GO BACK
710
01:04:59,639 --> 01:05:07,639
TO NORMAL, THIS BIG BEAUTIFUL BITCH
OF A CITY EVER BE WHAT IT ONCE WAS?
711
01:05:07,847 --> 01:05:09,892
IT WILL. I KNOW IT WILL.
DO YOU BELIEVE ME?
712
01:05:09,916 --> 01:05:11,960
I DO. AND I THINK I'VE
FALLEN IN LOVE WITH YOU.
713
01:05:11,984 --> 01:05:18,300
AND I JUST REALIZED I DON'T EVEN KNOW
YOUR NAME. OH, IT IS SUZANNE JOHNSON.
714
01:05:18,324 --> 01:05:26,075
HMM, THAT'S A BEAUTIFUL NAME.
WHAT'S YOURS? JOHN SUZANASON.
715
01:05:26,099 --> 01:05:34,099
WOW,
I GUESS IT IS FATE. I GUESS IT IS. ♪♪
716
01:05:47,653 --> 01:05:55,204
THANKS TO MY INCREDIBLE
BROTHER KEVIN. [ APPLAUSE ]
717
01:05:55,228 --> 01:05:59,541
TO THIS TRULY UNBELIEVABLE CAST AND
CREW. IT HAS BEEN SUCH AN HONOR TO BE
718
01:05:59,565 --> 01:06:03,012
HERE. I LOVE YOU
ALL. I LOVE YOU ALL.
719
01:06:03,036 --> 01:06:11,036
THANK YOU! GOOD NIGHT! ♪♪
720
01:06:13,479 --> 01:06:21,479
>>>>oakislandtk<<<<<
www.opensubtitles.org
721
01:06:49,782 --> 01:06:57,782
♪♪ ♪♪
722
01:07:18,811 --> 01:07:26,811
♪♪
74133
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