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1
00:00:09,592 --> 00:00:12,470
- This is the story
of the greatest man
2
00:00:12,512 --> 00:00:15,473
to ever walk the earth,
3
00:00:15,515 --> 00:00:17,642
MacGruber.
4
00:00:39,122 --> 00:00:40,457
- Wow.
5
00:02:24,227 --> 00:02:27,564
Go get it, Bailey.
6
00:02:31,234 --> 00:02:32,736
- Nightingale is secure.
7
00:02:35,530 --> 00:02:36,740
- She's all good,
Mr. President.
8
00:02:36,781 --> 00:02:39,367
- Thanks, Ronnie.
Hey, grab a cookie.
9
00:02:39,409 --> 00:02:41,036
- John, are you gonna
come help me
10
00:02:41,077 --> 00:02:44,205
or am I gonna have to decorate
this whole tree all by myself?
11
00:02:44,247 --> 00:02:46,708
- I'm sorry, hon.
I-I gotta finish up
12
00:02:46,750 --> 00:02:49,294
a little light reading
from the Joint Chiefs.
13
00:02:49,336 --> 00:02:50,837
- Bah humbug.
14
00:02:55,342 --> 00:02:58,428
- North Pole, Santa speaking.
15
00:02:58,470 --> 00:03:01,639
Hello, Mr. President.
16
00:03:01,681 --> 00:03:03,308
- Who the hell is this?
17
00:03:04,934 --> 00:03:07,187
- Bailey...
18
00:03:07,228 --> 00:03:10,315
Bailey!
19
00:03:10,357 --> 00:03:14,819
- You take from me,
I take from you.
20
00:03:17,113 --> 00:03:18,114
- Lucy.
21
00:03:21,117 --> 00:03:22,952
- Bailey?
22
00:03:37,133 --> 00:03:39,219
- Go, go, go!
23
00:04:30,186 --> 00:04:31,688
- Are you sure about this, sir?
24
00:04:31,730 --> 00:04:33,606
- No, Major, I'm not.
25
00:04:33,648 --> 00:04:35,692
This son of a bitch
is our only hope.
26
00:04:35,734 --> 00:04:38,570
- And what if he says no?
27
00:04:38,611 --> 00:04:41,281
- Then God help us.
28
00:04:45,702 --> 00:04:48,079
- He's been in and out
of the special housing unit
29
00:04:48,121 --> 00:04:49,581
since he got here.
30
00:04:49,622 --> 00:04:52,167
He's what we like to call
a "problem inmate."
31
00:04:52,208 --> 00:04:53,668
- Why is that?
32
00:04:53,710 --> 00:04:55,503
- Let's just say...
33
00:04:55,545 --> 00:04:57,839
he doesn't play well
with others.
34
00:05:03,094 --> 00:05:04,888
- Shit.
35
00:05:04,929 --> 00:05:06,931
- Fuck it.
Just leave it, man.
36
00:05:06,973 --> 00:05:08,558
- I'll go get it.
37
00:05:14,731 --> 00:05:17,859
- Are you trying
to steal my ball?
38
00:05:17,901 --> 00:05:19,694
See, it's on my side
of the yard,
39
00:05:19,736 --> 00:05:22,030
so, the way I see it,
40
00:05:22,072 --> 00:05:24,991
this is my ball now.
41
00:05:25,033 --> 00:05:28,203
Good news is,
I'm gonna let you keep it.
42
00:05:28,244 --> 00:05:29,871
The bad news?
43
00:05:29,913 --> 00:05:32,457
I'm gonna shove it up your ass.
44
00:05:32,499 --> 00:05:35,043
Do you like things up
your ass, boy?
45
00:05:35,085 --> 00:05:36,503
Huh?
I said,
46
00:05:36,544 --> 00:05:38,296
do you like
things up your ass?
47
00:05:38,338 --> 00:05:39,964
- I like things in my butt.
48
00:05:44,427 --> 00:05:47,055
- What the fuck you just say?
49
00:05:49,432 --> 00:05:51,309
- Thought I was speaking
pretty clearly.
50
00:05:54,896 --> 00:05:59,025
I said,
"I like things in my butt."
51
00:06:00,777 --> 00:06:02,237
So why don't you
leave the kid alone
52
00:06:02,278 --> 00:06:05,240
and come put your little
rubber ball up inside me?
53
00:06:07,033 --> 00:06:12,163
Did you hear that,
you fucking piece of shit?
54
00:06:12,205 --> 00:06:15,250
- You got a death wish, man?
- Why, are you a genie?
55
00:06:15,291 --> 00:06:18,169
- No, I'm the guy who's gonna
pound your fucking face in.
56
00:06:18,211 --> 00:06:21,131
- Nice to meet you, guy who's
gonna pound my fucking face in.
57
00:06:21,172 --> 00:06:22,674
My name is let the kid go
58
00:06:22,716 --> 00:06:25,385
or I'll kill you
and all your fucking friends
59
00:06:25,427 --> 00:06:27,137
Love Hewitt.
60
00:06:27,178 --> 00:06:30,765
But, hey, we're getting off
track here, bud.
61
00:06:30,807 --> 00:06:33,059
You got a perfectly nice ball,
62
00:06:33,101 --> 00:06:35,812
and I have a desire
to have that ball up my butt.
63
00:06:35,854 --> 00:06:38,064
So I guess
the only question is:
64
00:06:38,106 --> 00:06:41,693
are you gonna jam it up
there or am I?
65
00:06:45,030 --> 00:06:46,448
Lucky me.
66
00:07:10,472 --> 00:07:12,474
We done here?
67
00:07:12,515 --> 00:07:15,477
- Hit him!
68
00:07:22,025 --> 00:07:24,069
- God damn it, Pierce.
Shut this down now.
69
00:07:24,110 --> 00:07:27,655
- Yes, sir.
- Wait a minute, son.
70
00:07:27,697 --> 00:07:30,116
I'd like to see this.
71
00:07:36,122 --> 00:07:38,792
- Pretty satisfying
main course so far.
72
00:07:38,833 --> 00:07:41,294
Hope you saved room
for dessert.
73
00:07:41,336 --> 00:07:43,505
Or should I say...dis dirt!
74
00:07:59,354 --> 00:08:01,189
all: Throat rip!
Throat rip, throat rip!
75
00:08:01,231 --> 00:08:03,400
- Is this what you want?
76
00:08:03,441 --> 00:08:06,194
- Yeah!
- Is it?
77
00:08:06,236 --> 00:08:07,237
- Shut it down.
78
00:08:12,283 --> 00:08:14,285
- Sorry, bud, but for you,
79
00:08:14,327 --> 00:08:16,705
that's all she throat.
80
00:08:23,003 --> 00:08:24,379
- Open 104.
81
00:08:36,641 --> 00:08:38,560
- Well, well, well.
82
00:08:38,601 --> 00:08:40,854
If it isn't my old friend,
83
00:08:40,895 --> 00:08:43,106
Lieutenant Colonel
Barrett Fasoose.
84
00:08:43,148 --> 00:08:45,692
It's General Fasoose now.
85
00:08:45,734 --> 00:08:49,112
- Sorry, General.
86
00:08:49,154 --> 00:08:50,697
Who's the cherry?
87
00:08:50,739 --> 00:08:54,367
- Major Harold Kernst, NSA.
It's an honor to meet you, sir.
88
00:08:54,409 --> 00:08:57,412
- Save the fuckin'
Boy Scout shit for someone
89
00:08:57,454 --> 00:08:59,914
who gives a flying funk.
90
00:08:59,956 --> 00:09:01,833
- I'll cut to the chase.
91
00:09:01,875 --> 00:09:03,543
We need you, MacGruber.
92
00:09:03,585 --> 00:09:05,253
- Of course you do.
93
00:09:05,295 --> 00:09:07,339
- The government is prepared
to release you from prison,
94
00:09:07,380 --> 00:09:10,342
restore your pension,
and grant you a full pardon.
95
00:09:10,383 --> 00:09:11,926
- Oh, a full pardon!
96
00:09:11,968 --> 00:09:14,054
You mean, for a crime
I didn't commit?
97
00:09:14,095 --> 00:09:15,347
- You killed an unarmed man
98
00:09:15,388 --> 00:09:17,557
in front of 75 people
at your own wedding.
99
00:09:17,599 --> 00:09:19,059
- Unarmed?
100
00:09:19,100 --> 00:09:22,103
He shot a rocket-propelled RPG
at our wedding pagoda!
101
00:09:22,145 --> 00:09:23,271
- You could've just
arrested him.
102
00:09:23,313 --> 00:09:24,939
Instead you threw him
off a cliff,
103
00:09:24,981 --> 00:09:25,982
riddled him with bullets,
104
00:09:26,024 --> 00:09:27,525
and urinated on his corpse.
105
00:09:27,567 --> 00:09:30,653
- Cunth deserved everything
he got, and you know that.
106
00:09:30,695 --> 00:09:32,030
- Well, the jury
felt differently.
107
00:09:32,072 --> 00:09:33,948
- Well, fuck the fucking jury.
108
00:09:33,990 --> 00:09:35,950
- Look, Mac,
I understand you're angry,
109
00:09:35,992 --> 00:09:37,869
but we're offering you
a way out here.
110
00:09:37,911 --> 00:09:39,829
And this one comes
all the way from the top.
111
00:09:41,664 --> 00:09:44,125
- The President?
112
00:09:44,167 --> 00:09:46,002
Oh, my God.
113
00:09:46,044 --> 00:09:49,506
I-I've been waiting
for this day for ten years.
114
00:09:49,547 --> 00:09:51,257
Oh, my God, I'm a free man.
115
00:09:51,299 --> 00:09:53,176
- There's a catch.
116
00:09:54,719 --> 00:09:56,763
It's a suicide mission, Mac.
117
00:10:00,350 --> 00:10:01,476
Major, give us a second.
118
00:10:01,518 --> 00:10:03,645
- Sir.
119
00:10:07,357 --> 00:10:10,151
- In exactly 46 hours,
120
00:10:10,193 --> 00:10:12,737
there's going to be
a hostage exchange.
121
00:10:12,779 --> 00:10:14,155
- And I'm the hostage.
122
00:10:14,197 --> 00:10:16,491
- The kidnappers
requested you specifically.
123
00:10:16,533 --> 00:10:18,159
- Flattering.
124
00:10:18,201 --> 00:10:21,162
- They left this as
some kind of calling card.
125
00:10:21,204 --> 00:10:23,748
Said it would explain
your death sentence.
126
00:10:28,586 --> 00:10:29,796
Look familiar?
127
00:10:33,717 --> 00:10:35,343
Never seen it before.
128
00:10:35,385 --> 00:10:37,679
- Shame, 'cause this is
all we've got.
129
00:10:37,721 --> 00:10:40,140
- Well, sucks to be you.
130
00:10:40,181 --> 00:10:42,183
Look, super tempting offer,
131
00:10:42,225 --> 00:10:43,518
but it's a hard pass.
132
00:10:43,560 --> 00:10:46,688
- Mac, it's not for me.
It's for your country.
133
00:10:46,730 --> 00:10:48,940
- Oh, for my country, huh?
134
00:10:48,982 --> 00:10:51,860
Let me tell you a little
something about my country.
135
00:10:51,901 --> 00:10:54,154
I risked my life
for my country.
136
00:10:54,195 --> 00:10:56,740
I saved her from
a fuckin' nuclear holocaust.
137
00:10:56,781 --> 00:10:58,867
And what did my country
do for me?
138
00:10:58,908 --> 00:11:00,201
Destroyed my marriage,
139
00:11:00,243 --> 00:11:02,370
took a dump
in my reputation's mouth,
140
00:11:02,412 --> 00:11:04,706
and caged me
like a wild animal.
141
00:11:04,748 --> 00:11:07,751
So fuck my country!
142
00:11:07,792 --> 00:11:09,836
And fuck you.
143
00:11:17,010 --> 00:11:19,721
- Merry Christmas, MacGruber.
144
00:11:25,435 --> 00:11:28,271
- Merry Christmas.
145
00:11:39,366 --> 00:11:43,078
- Open it.
146
00:11:52,253 --> 00:11:55,131
- Down now!
147
00:11:55,173 --> 00:11:57,384
- Mommy!
148
00:12:14,401 --> 00:12:16,444
- One flannel shirt.
149
00:12:16,486 --> 00:12:18,113
One tan vest.
150
00:12:18,154 --> 00:12:20,031
One pair of denim jeans.
151
00:12:20,073 --> 00:12:22,033
One wedding ring, gold.
152
00:12:22,075 --> 00:12:23,993
One pair of sunglasses.
153
00:12:24,035 --> 00:12:25,578
One locket, gold.
154
00:12:25,620 --> 00:12:27,872
One car stereo, Blaupunkt.
155
00:12:27,914 --> 00:12:30,583
Sign on the line.
156
00:12:46,933 --> 00:12:50,437
- Who let the dog out?
157
00:12:54,691 --> 00:12:55,984
- This way, MacGruber.
158
00:12:56,026 --> 00:12:57,444
- You wish.
159
00:12:57,485 --> 00:12:59,237
- Sir, we have
strict instructions
160
00:12:59,279 --> 00:13:01,489
to take you straight
to NSA headquarters.
161
00:13:01,531 --> 00:13:02,532
- Well, I'm sure you do.
162
00:13:02,574 --> 00:13:06,161
- I'm afraid
this isn't a request.
163
00:13:12,959 --> 00:13:15,503
- Look...
164
00:13:15,545 --> 00:13:17,756
I have one day left
on this Earth.
165
00:13:17,797 --> 00:13:19,924
One fucking day.
166
00:13:19,966 --> 00:13:22,844
Please let me
go say my goodbyes.
167
00:13:22,886 --> 00:13:25,180
- Sorry.
My hands are tied.
168
00:13:27,557 --> 00:13:29,517
- I understand.
169
00:13:31,644 --> 00:13:33,730
Shit. Shoelaces.
170
00:13:45,825 --> 00:13:48,578
- Damn it.
Call it in.
171
00:13:53,166 --> 00:13:54,959
- Threat assessment.
172
00:13:55,001 --> 00:13:57,962
Awareness, detection, response.
173
00:13:58,004 --> 00:13:59,130
Always be on the lookout,
174
00:13:59,172 --> 00:14:01,007
because if you're not
on your game,
175
00:14:01,049 --> 00:14:03,176
that's you in a body bag.
176
00:14:03,218 --> 00:14:05,178
So to recap,
177
00:14:05,220 --> 00:14:06,638
U-turns are okay
at an intersection
178
00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:09,224
unless a sign
explicitly prohibits it.
179
00:14:13,103 --> 00:14:14,771
Any other questions on U-turns?
180
00:14:14,813 --> 00:14:16,356
- I have a question.
181
00:14:18,358 --> 00:14:20,068
- What the hell
are you doing here?
182
00:14:20,110 --> 00:14:22,362
- What happens if
you've, uh, done something
183
00:14:22,404 --> 00:14:25,281
that you regret
with all your heart?
184
00:14:25,323 --> 00:14:27,826
Something that made one of
your most dependable allies
185
00:14:27,867 --> 00:14:29,661
lose faith in you.
186
00:14:29,703 --> 00:14:31,204
Is it possible to, uh,
187
00:14:31,246 --> 00:14:35,291
U-turn in that situation?
188
00:14:35,333 --> 00:14:37,877
Like, say you murdered someone.
189
00:14:37,919 --> 00:14:39,587
Someone who deserved it.
190
00:14:39,629 --> 00:14:42,132
And then in court,
you got really scared,
191
00:14:42,173 --> 00:14:44,384
like shit your pants scared.
192
00:14:44,426 --> 00:14:46,219
So you pinned some of
the blame on your friend--
193
00:14:46,261 --> 00:14:48,722
who did throw you
the murder weapon, by the way.
194
00:14:48,763 --> 00:14:51,975
But then that friend got kicked
out of the military,
195
00:14:52,017 --> 00:14:53,476
was forced
to teach traffic school
196
00:14:53,518 --> 00:14:55,186
to a bunch of fuckin' losers
197
00:14:55,228 --> 00:14:56,730
'cause his life
went down the toilet.
198
00:14:56,771 --> 00:14:59,107
Could that friend ever
199
00:14:59,149 --> 00:15:01,234
U-turn his feelings
200
00:15:01,276 --> 00:15:03,069
toward that friend
who fucked his life,
201
00:15:03,111 --> 00:15:05,155
if that friend--
the first friend,
202
00:15:05,196 --> 00:15:07,657
the accused murderer--
203
00:15:07,699 --> 00:15:10,035
was as sorry as
the sorriest person
204
00:15:10,076 --> 00:15:12,787
ever in the history
of the universe?
205
00:15:15,623 --> 00:15:18,376
Hello, Piper.
206
00:15:18,418 --> 00:15:21,379
- Class dismissed.
- No, not dismissed.
207
00:15:21,421 --> 00:15:23,923
Wait, Piper.
Piper, bud!
208
00:15:23,965 --> 00:15:26,468
Look, I blew it,
with a capital B.
209
00:15:26,509 --> 00:15:29,387
- Blew it?
You ruined my life.
210
00:15:29,429 --> 00:15:31,431
You took away everything
I'd been working toward
211
00:15:31,473 --> 00:15:32,724
and threw it in the garbage.
212
00:15:32,766 --> 00:15:34,601
- Yeah, and then I went
to jail, dude.
213
00:15:34,642 --> 00:15:35,685
- So did I!
214
00:15:35,727 --> 00:15:37,270
Five years for aiding
and abetting.
215
00:15:37,312 --> 00:15:39,481
And now, thanks to you,
I'm a convicted felon
216
00:15:39,522 --> 00:15:41,358
and I'll never work
in the military again.
217
00:15:41,399 --> 00:15:43,568
- No.
For sure, you won't.
218
00:15:43,610 --> 00:15:46,237
And I apologize
with my whole heart,
219
00:15:46,279 --> 00:15:47,489
base to tip,
220
00:15:47,530 --> 00:15:50,241
so you have to forgive me.
221
00:15:50,283 --> 00:15:54,204
- No, MacGruber.
I will never ever forgive you.
222
00:15:56,915 --> 00:15:59,793
- Never ever say never ever.
223
00:16:01,461 --> 00:16:04,255
Remember I said
that to you once?
224
00:16:04,297 --> 00:16:07,258
And you said it back to me
a couple days later?
225
00:16:09,844 --> 00:16:11,721
Come here.
226
00:16:11,763 --> 00:16:13,640
- Fuck you, MacGruber.
227
00:17:11,406 --> 00:17:13,199
- Vicki.
228
00:17:32,177 --> 00:17:34,137
- What the fuck is this?
- Shh.
229
00:18:50,463 --> 00:18:51,715
Thank you.
230
00:18:51,756 --> 00:18:53,550
That's too much.
Thank you.
231
00:18:53,591 --> 00:18:54,801
- Fuckin' good.
232
00:18:54,843 --> 00:18:56,928
I'd listen to that
on the radio.
233
00:18:56,970 --> 00:18:59,389
- Okay, give it up for
234
00:18:59,431 --> 00:19:02,100
Victoria St. Elmo Fasoose.
235
00:19:06,938 --> 00:19:08,440
- You liked it?
- Outstanding.
236
00:19:08,481 --> 00:19:09,774
- Oh, my gosh!
Are you sure?
237
00:19:09,816 --> 00:19:11,568
- Outstanding.
- Oh, I was so nervous.
238
00:19:11,609 --> 00:19:13,236
It wasn't too short?
- No.
239
00:19:13,278 --> 00:19:14,446
- Oh, my gosh,
I was so nervous.
240
00:19:14,487 --> 00:19:17,490
- You were great.
241
00:19:30,128 --> 00:19:32,797
- Oh, oh, yes.
242
00:19:32,839 --> 00:19:34,799
Oh, right there.
Oh, that's amazing.
243
00:19:34,841 --> 00:19:36,760
Oh, my king!
- So close, so close.
244
00:19:36,801 --> 00:19:38,470
So close.
- Oh, you are my king!
245
00:19:38,511 --> 00:19:42,182
- So close, so close.
Close, close, oh. Oh.
246
00:19:49,356 --> 00:19:52,067
- Oh, you're my king.
Oh.
247
00:19:59,699 --> 00:20:01,159
- Bravo.
248
00:20:01,201 --> 00:20:03,453
- MacGruber?
249
00:20:03,495 --> 00:20:06,539
Oh. Oh!
250
00:20:06,581 --> 00:20:10,001
- Hope I wasn't
disturbing anything.
251
00:20:10,043 --> 00:20:11,503
- God damn it.
252
00:20:11,544 --> 00:20:13,505
Where the hell
have you been, MacGruber?
253
00:20:13,546 --> 00:20:15,090
Half of D.C.
is looking for you right now.
254
00:20:15,131 --> 00:20:18,259
- Relax, I'm gonna do
your stupid ass mission.
255
00:20:18,301 --> 00:20:20,345
- Maybe you've forgotten
how things work.
256
00:20:20,387 --> 00:20:23,390
Remember protocol?
Chain of command?
257
00:20:23,431 --> 00:20:26,976
God damn it, we expected you
at Langley this afternoon!
258
00:20:27,018 --> 00:20:29,312
- And I expected me
to be married forever.
259
00:20:29,354 --> 00:20:32,107
But my first wife got blown up
at the goddamn altar
260
00:20:32,148 --> 00:20:34,359
and my second wife
left me to rot in prison
261
00:20:34,401 --> 00:20:35,985
and is currently fucking
some shit-dick
262
00:20:36,027 --> 00:20:38,363
who can barely get her off
in the sack three times.
263
00:20:38,405 --> 00:20:40,281
So, sorry to break it
to you, General,
264
00:20:40,323 --> 00:20:44,035
but things don't always go
as planned, do they?
265
00:20:44,077 --> 00:20:46,371
Do they?
266
00:20:49,916 --> 00:20:52,419
- It must've been hard to see.
267
00:20:52,460 --> 00:20:54,004
- And hear
268
00:20:54,045 --> 00:20:56,006
and smell.
269
00:20:56,047 --> 00:20:59,718
- Look, Mac, you were given
a life sentence.
270
00:20:59,759 --> 00:21:01,386
Victoria had to move on.
271
00:21:03,930 --> 00:21:07,058
- Maybe I shouldn't have come.
272
00:21:07,100 --> 00:21:08,601
- Where the hell you think
you're going?
273
00:21:08,643 --> 00:21:10,020
- Don't worry.
I'll be there.
274
00:21:10,061 --> 00:21:11,855
- Mac, my ass
is on the line here--
275
00:21:11,896 --> 00:21:14,607
- And my life is on the line!
276
00:21:14,649 --> 00:21:17,569
I'll be there.
277
00:21:24,242 --> 00:21:25,910
And, look,
278
00:21:25,952 --> 00:21:29,581
I don't mind that you put
your penis in Vicki's vagina,
279
00:21:29,622 --> 00:21:34,377
but put it in her heart too.
280
00:21:34,419 --> 00:21:36,004
- You got it, Mac.
281
00:21:44,971 --> 00:21:47,140
- So this is it?
282
00:21:49,809 --> 00:21:51,394
- Barrett told you.
283
00:21:51,436 --> 00:21:52,896
- Enough to know
that this might be
284
00:21:52,937 --> 00:21:54,814
my last chance to say goodbye.
285
00:21:54,856 --> 00:21:57,859
- Well, my country
has invited me to die for it,
286
00:21:57,901 --> 00:22:00,612
and I RSVP'd, "Yas queen."
287
00:22:00,653 --> 00:22:02,030
- Uncle Sam told you to jump
288
00:22:02,072 --> 00:22:04,282
and you go get
your jumping shoes.
289
00:22:04,324 --> 00:22:06,910
- Classic MacGruber.
290
00:22:06,951 --> 00:22:08,495
- You don't have to do this.
291
00:22:08,536 --> 00:22:11,039
- And what else do I have
to live for, huh?
292
00:22:11,081 --> 00:22:13,458
A fucking concrete cell?
293
00:22:15,919 --> 00:22:19,130
Anyway, I just wanted
to see you one last time
294
00:22:19,172 --> 00:22:22,300
before I, uh, went away.
295
00:22:24,386 --> 00:22:27,847
Look, Vic...
296
00:22:27,889 --> 00:22:29,766
I made some mistakes.
297
00:22:29,808 --> 00:22:30,892
- Are you referring to when
you blamed me
298
00:22:30,934 --> 00:22:32,185
for Cunth's death
at your trial?
299
00:22:32,227 --> 00:22:33,520
- Yes.
- And you tried to persuade
300
00:22:33,561 --> 00:22:34,813
the jury
that it was premeditated
301
00:22:34,854 --> 00:22:36,147
and I planned
the whole thing?
302
00:22:36,189 --> 00:22:37,691
- Uh, uh, yes.
- And then when you
303
00:22:37,732 --> 00:22:39,234
pushed for
the death penalty for me?
304
00:22:39,275 --> 00:22:41,277
- Look, we're getting
in the weeds here.
305
00:22:41,319 --> 00:22:43,947
I'm not proud of what I did.
306
00:22:43,988 --> 00:22:45,865
But if it's any consolation,
307
00:22:45,907 --> 00:22:49,911
I thought about you every
single second I was in jail.
308
00:22:49,953 --> 00:22:53,623
And I understand why you never
came to visit or called.
309
00:22:53,665 --> 00:22:56,584
And I truly accept
your apology.
310
00:22:56,626 --> 00:23:00,005
- I didn't apologize.
- Thanks.
311
00:23:00,046 --> 00:23:04,342
And, look, Barrett,
he's a good man.
312
00:23:04,384 --> 00:23:06,011
And just know, I don't mind
313
00:23:06,052 --> 00:23:09,264
that he puts his penis
in your vagina.
314
00:23:09,305 --> 00:23:13,309
But I hope that he puts it
in your heart too.
315
00:23:13,351 --> 00:23:16,021
I just told him that but I
wanted you to hear it as well.
316
00:23:18,273 --> 00:23:20,692
Good tidings, Vicki.
317
00:23:20,734 --> 00:23:22,694
And I mean that.
318
00:23:22,736 --> 00:23:25,030
The very best of tidings
to you.
319
00:24:32,263 --> 00:24:33,598
- Everyone, listen up.
320
00:24:33,640 --> 00:24:35,684
This is our red zone.
321
00:24:35,725 --> 00:24:39,354
A hundred square miles of open
desert with zero ground cover.
322
00:24:39,396 --> 00:24:41,690
- The enemy will allow
one vehicle only
323
00:24:41,731 --> 00:24:43,858
into our red zone, but we will
have eyes in the sky.
324
00:24:43,900 --> 00:24:45,694
That means,
triggers off fingers
325
00:24:45,735 --> 00:24:47,278
unless ordered otherwise.
326
00:24:47,320 --> 00:24:50,240
We need to be on our toes,
people,
327
00:24:50,281 --> 00:24:52,992
'cause these are
some bad-ass hombres
328
00:24:53,034 --> 00:24:55,578
and they have come to play.
329
00:24:55,620 --> 00:24:59,791
- Why don't you just let them
finger your butt hole, General?
330
00:24:59,833 --> 00:25:01,042
- MacGruber.
331
00:25:01,084 --> 00:25:02,669
Nice of you to show up.
332
00:25:02,711 --> 00:25:04,671
- You remember your butt hole,
don't you?
333
00:25:04,713 --> 00:25:07,090
It's right around the corner
from the balls and penis
334
00:25:07,132 --> 00:25:09,300
that were pumping
my wife last night.
335
00:25:09,342 --> 00:25:12,220
- Mac, this isn't the time
or the place.
336
00:25:12,262 --> 00:25:14,431
- You listen here, General.
337
00:25:16,766 --> 00:25:18,727
I'm kidding, bud.
338
00:25:20,895 --> 00:25:22,022
'Sup, gang?
339
00:25:22,063 --> 00:25:23,857
MacGruber here.
340
00:25:23,898 --> 00:25:27,027
The general's in a committed
relationship with my ex-wife
341
00:25:27,068 --> 00:25:29,904
and last night,
I gave them my consent.
342
00:25:29,946 --> 00:25:31,448
And I meant that, Barrett.
343
00:25:31,489 --> 00:25:33,158
Look, I'm sorry
for interrupting.
344
00:25:33,199 --> 00:25:34,534
I believe you're at the part
345
00:25:34,576 --> 00:25:36,286
where you were just about
to explain
346
00:25:36,327 --> 00:25:38,913
why you don't just let them
finger your butt hole.
347
00:25:38,955 --> 00:25:40,540
Kidding. Continue.
348
00:25:40,582 --> 00:25:41,916
- Thank you.
349
00:25:41,958 --> 00:25:43,084
The attack on POTUS
350
00:25:43,126 --> 00:25:44,544
was a highly
coordinated strike,
351
00:25:44,586 --> 00:25:47,422
using advanced TTP
and E&E capabilities.
352
00:25:47,464 --> 00:25:50,425
So it's likely that our enemy
is ex-military.
353
00:25:50,467 --> 00:25:52,677
Now, the exchange is set
for oh eight hundred.
354
00:25:52,719 --> 00:25:55,805
- That's, uh, 8 a.m. o'clock.
Eight o'clock a.m.
355
00:25:55,847 --> 00:25:58,266
- That's correct.
- Ante meridiem.
356
00:25:58,308 --> 00:26:01,269
That's, uh, what a.m.
stands for.
357
00:26:01,311 --> 00:26:03,188
- Right.
- I'd always wondered
358
00:26:03,229 --> 00:26:04,314
what it stood for,
and so that's it.
359
00:26:04,356 --> 00:26:05,940
You know, I looked it up.
360
00:26:05,982 --> 00:26:07,776
Yeah.
361
00:26:07,817 --> 00:26:09,402
Continue.
362
00:26:09,444 --> 00:26:11,696
- E7 Davidson will lead
Fire Team Bravo
363
00:26:11,738 --> 00:26:14,657
to the red zone where
the packages will be exchanged.
364
00:26:14,699 --> 00:26:16,201
- Make no mistake, people,
this will be
365
00:26:16,242 --> 00:26:18,536
the most important
rescue mission of your lives.
366
00:26:18,578 --> 00:26:20,872
And I wanna thank Mac
for his sacrifice.
367
00:26:20,914 --> 00:26:22,707
I know it wasn't
an easy decision.
368
00:26:22,749 --> 00:26:24,167
- You mean the decision
369
00:26:24,209 --> 00:26:27,045
to get killed by terrorists
and be dead forever?
370
00:26:27,087 --> 00:26:29,881
- Yes.
- Well, you know--
371
00:26:29,923 --> 00:26:32,801
Ain't nothing but a MacG thing.
372
00:26:32,842 --> 00:26:35,637
But that's the life we chose.
373
00:26:35,679 --> 00:26:37,847
Death is our job.
374
00:26:37,889 --> 00:26:41,184
And I know that every man
or woman in this god damn room
375
00:26:41,226 --> 00:26:43,228
would make the same
god damn decision
376
00:26:43,269 --> 00:26:47,732
that I made 11 times
out of god damn 10.
377
00:26:47,774 --> 00:26:50,443
And yeah, it's brave,
and it's commendable,
378
00:26:50,485 --> 00:26:52,487
and it's patriotic as shit,
379
00:26:52,529 --> 00:26:55,448
but it's also contagious
like the clap.
380
00:26:55,490 --> 00:26:58,993
Because bravery begets bravery.
381
00:26:59,035 --> 00:27:01,371
And yeah, this time, it's me.
382
00:27:01,413 --> 00:27:05,959
But next time, it might be you.
383
00:27:06,001 --> 00:27:07,961
Or you.
384
00:27:08,003 --> 00:27:14,426
Or you. Or you. Or you.
Or you. Or you. Or you.
385
00:27:14,467 --> 00:27:17,220
Or you. You get the point.
386
00:27:17,262 --> 00:27:21,182
Or you. Or you.
387
00:27:21,224 --> 00:27:24,769
Or you. Or you. Or you. Or you.
388
00:27:24,811 --> 00:27:25,979
You see what I'm saying?
389
00:27:26,021 --> 00:27:27,897
Could be anyone of us.
390
00:27:27,939 --> 00:27:29,024
It could be you in the back.
391
00:27:29,065 --> 00:27:30,692
I haven't even looked
in the back.
392
00:27:30,734 --> 00:27:32,193
Could be you in the suit.
393
00:27:32,235 --> 00:27:34,195
You with the thinning hair.
394
00:27:34,237 --> 00:27:35,447
Double chin.
395
00:27:35,488 --> 00:27:36,698
Looking at frumpy dump
right there.
396
00:27:36,740 --> 00:27:37,866
It could be you.
397
00:27:37,907 --> 00:27:39,617
It could be anybody.
398
00:27:41,995 --> 00:27:47,083
But this time, it's me.
399
00:27:47,125 --> 00:27:49,294
This guy.
400
00:27:51,087 --> 00:27:55,050
Please tell people I did this.
401
00:28:13,943 --> 00:28:15,737
Thank you.
402
00:28:42,931 --> 00:28:44,474
- Entering red zone.
403
00:28:44,516 --> 00:28:46,935
Bravo Team,
you're on your own.
404
00:29:01,366 --> 00:29:02,951
- Fire Team Bravo in position.
405
00:29:02,992 --> 00:29:04,285
- Copy that, Bravo Team.
406
00:29:04,327 --> 00:29:06,287
Set the asset
and hold tight for package.
407
00:29:17,257 --> 00:29:19,342
- Death, be not proud,
408
00:29:19,384 --> 00:29:21,720
though some have called thee.
409
00:29:21,761 --> 00:29:23,888
Mighty and dreadful,
410
00:29:23,930 --> 00:29:27,100
but thou art not so.
411
00:29:27,142 --> 00:29:31,438
For those who--thou--
412
00:29:31,479 --> 00:29:37,402
uh, who, thou, dost, uh
413
00:29:37,444 --> 00:29:42,282
for--for those doust--
414
00:29:42,323 --> 00:29:44,409
Fuck.
415
00:29:44,451 --> 00:29:49,330
John Donne. John Donne.
416
00:29:49,372 --> 00:29:50,415
It's been an honor--
417
00:29:50,457 --> 00:29:51,833
- Eyes on target.
418
00:29:54,002 --> 00:29:56,296
- Vehicle approaching from
the southwest.
419
00:30:12,479 --> 00:30:14,939
- Who are you,
you son of a bitch?
420
00:30:17,067 --> 00:30:23,990
- Walk.
421
00:30:24,032 --> 00:30:25,325
Stop.
422
00:30:30,663 --> 00:30:33,208
Take off your clothes.
423
00:30:33,249 --> 00:30:34,918
- Pardon?
424
00:30:34,959 --> 00:30:39,506
- Take off your clothes.
425
00:30:39,547 --> 00:30:44,219
- But, uh--can we talk
about this for a moment?
426
00:30:44,260 --> 00:30:46,221
- Do it or the hostage dies.
427
00:31:12,330 --> 00:31:13,415
- Underwear, too.
428
00:31:18,420 --> 00:31:20,588
- Underwear, too.
429
00:31:36,563 --> 00:31:38,148
Hands on your head.
430
00:31:38,189 --> 00:31:41,234
- Oh, come on. Ha, ha, ha.
431
00:31:41,276 --> 00:31:43,236
- Five, four...
432
00:31:43,278 --> 00:31:45,071
- Three, two...
433
00:31:45,113 --> 00:31:46,114
- But I--
434
00:31:46,156 --> 00:31:47,532
Fine, fine!
435
00:31:47,574 --> 00:31:49,451
Fuckin' perv!
436
00:32:01,087 --> 00:32:02,505
- Turn around.
437
00:32:13,016 --> 00:32:16,186
- What? It's super fucking cold
out here!
438
00:32:16,227 --> 00:32:17,562
Friggin' desert.
439
00:32:34,371 --> 00:32:36,331
What the fuck?
440
00:32:36,373 --> 00:32:39,250
You guys traded me
for a fucking dog?
441
00:32:39,292 --> 00:32:41,503
Oh, you son of a bitch,
Fasoose!
442
00:32:41,544 --> 00:32:43,672
You fuckin' piece of shit!
443
00:32:43,713 --> 00:32:46,549
Oh, and the president's
a piece of shit, too.
444
00:32:46,591 --> 00:32:49,094
Fuck him and his stupid wife
445
00:32:49,135 --> 00:32:53,264
and your stupid piece
of shit daughter.
446
00:32:53,306 --> 00:32:54,849
Oh, oh, Jesus. It was a--
447
00:32:54,891 --> 00:32:56,393
Okay, it was the daughter too.
448
00:32:56,434 --> 00:32:58,353
Sorry about my language.
449
00:32:58,395 --> 00:32:59,604
- Target acquired.
450
00:33:05,568 --> 00:33:07,028
- We got her, Mr. President.
451
00:33:07,070 --> 00:33:09,698
- General, thank you.
452
00:33:09,739 --> 00:33:12,158
- Why don't you stay
for a little bit?
453
00:33:24,254 --> 00:33:26,840
- Okay, light him up.
454
00:33:26,881 --> 00:33:28,633
- But, sir,
what about MacGruber?
455
00:33:28,675 --> 00:33:30,510
- I'm not gonna let
America's finest soldier
456
00:33:30,552 --> 00:33:33,888
give up his god damn life to
a group of god damn terrorists,
457
00:33:33,930 --> 00:33:38,059
so take the shot.
458
00:33:38,101 --> 00:33:40,562
Is that clear, Major?
459
00:33:40,603 --> 00:33:42,230
- Yes, sir.
460
00:33:45,275 --> 00:33:48,778
Eagle One, engage target.
461
00:33:48,820 --> 00:33:50,613
- Roger that.
462
00:33:50,655 --> 00:33:52,741
Command, command--
463
00:33:52,782 --> 00:33:54,743
Something's wrong
with the controls. We can't--
464
00:33:54,784 --> 00:33:56,828
- God damn it, take the shot.
465
00:33:56,870 --> 00:33:58,329
- We can't, sir. They're
interfering with the signal.
466
00:33:58,371 --> 00:34:00,331
We lost visual.
467
00:34:00,373 --> 00:34:01,583
- Damn it.
468
00:34:19,142 --> 00:34:21,102
- No.
469
00:34:21,144 --> 00:34:23,396
No, it's not possible.
470
00:34:26,191 --> 00:34:27,484
Queeth?
471
00:34:27,525 --> 00:34:29,986
- Hello, MacGruber.
32540
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