All language subtitles for rel.s01e04.One Night Stand.eng

Rel is taped in front
of a live studio audience.

Oh, this the part right here.

Here we go.

My billionaire girlfriend is...
she's gone, and...

now I got to go back to a life
of just turning tricks.

Mm, mm, mm.

I guess that's just the life of a...

...pretty man.

Male sex?

Anyone want some male sex?

I'll take some male sex.

Gloria! You came back.

Yes. Yes, I did. I did come back.

Oh, Gloria.

What are you waiting for? Come on.

Take the leap.

You mean the leap of love?

Yes.

Here we go.

Okay, this is stupid.

Why is Paul Melvins
your favorite actor?

I mean he does some of the
corniest movies I've ever seen.

He jumped through a moonroof.

Both of his legs should be broken.

What you don't get is the...

the legs represent the power of love.

Also, nobody I know

has ever been told "I love you"
from a balcony.

Look, that's because you don't
know anybody with a balcony.

Okay? And I'm not gonna let you
keep talking

about Paul Melvins like that.

That dude is
a theatrical genius, okay?

I put him up there
with Sidney Poitier,

uh, Denzel Washington,

uh, uh, uh, uh... Tyrese Gibson.

Hey, listen, the point is

none of this ever happens
in real life.

Ain't no happily-ever-afters.

It takes somebody like you

to say that, because you've never been

in a relationship
longer than three months.

And that was too long.

And the only reason why it lasted

is because we had jury duty together.

That's exactly why Paul Melvins
movies go over your head.

Rel, these corny-ass movies
are making you too sentimental.

You need to find a girl to smash.

Look, I'm not like that, okay?

I can't just sleep with any woman.

I'm not a slut.

First of all, you don't got
to say it like that.

Ain't nothing wrong with having
enjoyable and uncommitted sex.

I'm telling you, it'll stop you
from killing people.

You know what?

Instead of banning assault weapons,

they should have
government-funded hoes

who just go around,
and they should just be...

Okay, no. L-L-Look, look, look...

Brittany, I don't have time
for one of your weird theories.

Look, I want a connection.

I-I want a soul mate and...

Look, everybody can't be like you.

I mean,

you treat all dudes
you mess with like dogs.

That's not true.

People love and trust their dogs, Rel.

Now, look, sex is just sex sometimes.

That's all it is,
and that's all you need.

Look, I don't know if you know this.

I ain't even told nobody this, okay?

I ain't been with nobody
since Shannon left.

Everybody know that.

Listen, Rel, you need some ass
to get over ass. All right?

Right now, your body is in a place

where you're physically
just stuck on one person,

and you need to shock
your system with new ass.

God, I don't know, man.

Like, I don't want to get back
with my wife or nothing,

you know, but I really
don't want to close that door.

And if I...
if I sleep with another woman,

it'll just make me feel like
the marriage is actually over.

Dude, your marriage was over

when your wife cheated on you.

Your marriage was over
when she took the kids to Ohio.

Your marriage was over when she...

Look, I don't need a third one,

'cause the first two
was pretty damn good.

Uh-oh, Rel on the prowl tonight.

- Who you going after?
- What are you talking about?

Come on, man. You're alone at the bar.

That's creeping 101. I know the game.

You trying to get laid tonight.

No, man. I don't think
I'm ready yet, man.

I understand.

But, yo, what about
this girl right here?

I mean, she decent, but...

she got balls
on the back of her socks.

Oh, what about shorty right here?

That ain't no shorty, man.

That's my friend's mama.

Oh, yeah.

- What about her?
- Oh.

Okay.

Aw, damn it.

She got a long-ass purse strap, man.

Like her purse got a seat belt.

Look, if you're gonna have
all these specific requirements,

man, you're gonna have
to try online dating.

Look, man,
there's no romance in that, man

You can't get a woman's essence
through an app.

- You know, it's just pictures.
- Nah.

I'm on this app right now
called Phone Pheromones.

- What?
- Yeah.

You pick your date by a scent profile.

I set mine to cheese scents, right,

but I think I did it wrong, though.

I thought I was gonna get a girl
that likes cheese like I do.

- Mm-hmm.
- They sent me

a chick that smells like cheese.

You know, I hit it once or twice,

but, you know,
I can't be wifing a chick

that smell like Gouda.

Look, see, that's what I'm saying.

That's not for me, bro. I...

I need a connection, man.

I-I don't want to just be
with some random person.

You know, if I met
the perfect woman right now,

I would be so happy.

I'd be out the game, you know?

Uh, hey.

Is that lemon drop for me?

No.

It's my... it's my drink.
I bought it with my money.

You just walked in here.
I don't know how you think...

You know, I mean, like...

Oh, you were kidding.

- Right.
- I didn't know that...

- that was a joke. I mean...
- Right. It was..

I'm sorry. That-that was funny.
My-my bad.

- It's okay.
- But, um...

I don't want to give you this.
I've been drinking out of it.

Can I buy you your own lemon drop?

- Oh, I'd love that.
- Jake, could you...

- could you get, uh... What's your name?
- Charlene.

Could you get Charlene a-a lemon drop?

All right. Cool.

Hey, Charlene. I'm-I'm Rel.
Nice to meet you.

Hey.

I'm telling you.

Okay, look, I-I got one for you.

- Okay, this-this a real one, too.
- Okay. All right.

Now, who's your favorite
all-time white Bulls player?

- You ready? One...
- Yep.

Two, three.

- Jud Buechler.
- Jud Buechler. All righty.

Girl...

This is... I ain't gonna lie...
this is crazy to me.

- You know what I mean?
- I know.

- Mm.
- Mm.

Ooh.

Ugh, I hate women
that wear long purse straps.

Huh.

You're just asking for
somebody to snatch it.

See, long purse straps are
my number one pet peeve.

Tell me more.

- It's so fun.
- It is.

- It's been a good night.
- I know. And the thing...

I think he wants us to leave.

No, we should be...

Damn, Jake. All right,
we'll get out of here. Uh...

Hey, are-are you hungry?

You want to come get
a "guy-ro" with me?

Ooh, yes. And thank you
for saying "guy-ro."

'Cause I hate when people say "gyro."

- Me, too. "Gyro."
- Or "yer..." Whatever.

All right, be safe, playboy.
You, too, sweetie.

All right.

Selfish bastards.

Mm. Hmm?

Mm. Mm.

Wow, this is...

this is unbelievable, man.

It feels like we're in
a real-life Paul Melvins movie.

Hmm. Yeah, if Paul Melvins

was ten times as handsome.

Girl, I don't know
what you're trying to get,

- but you're gonna get it.
- About time.

Let's go back to your place.

You-you want to go back to my place?

Oh, yeah.

Shibbity damn dobos.

That was just what I needed.

- Oh...
- I know. I mean...

I didn't know I could
still do all that.

Ah. You know something?
It was magical.

You know why?

- Why?
- Because I'm with you.

Oh, that's so sweet.

Thank you.

You know something? We should do this.

We just did.

No, no, no, no, no.
Come here. I'm serious.

Like... this should be a thing.

Like, this should be
something special.

- Mmm.
- Hmm?

Boop.

Hey, baby.

Uh, Charlene?

Charlene?

Charlene?

Charlene?

Soul mate? Where you at, baby?

You in the kitchen
making me some coffee?

Charlene.

Charlene?

Charlene

Soul mate?

Look it just doesn't make
sense why she would leave.

That was... that was both of our

best night of our lives, you know?

Wait a minute. What if she went out

to get us some breakfast biscuits...

and she got kidnapped, man?

You better hope that didn't happen,

'cause you don't want
to be a black man

that was the last person
to see a woman alive.

Well, should I call
the police or something?

Man, police can't help you. Oh.

But you can call Liam Neeson,
'cause your girl been Taken.

See, Dad, you got to stop
joking around, man.

Me and Charlene really connected.

Like, like, we held each other
in... in each other's arms,

and... and she booped me.

What the hell is a "boop"?

You know, it's...

Boop.

- Hey, don't touch me there!
- See...?

You see what I'm saying?

That-that-that...
that's what I'm talking about.

You see how intimate that is?

Man, look, I don't know
what happened that night, but...

okay, look on the good side...
at least you got some sex,

and you didn't get robbed.

See, see, Dad, it's more
than sex, you know what I mean?

And her not robbing me
should prove that even further.

Well... I wish I was in your shoes,

you know what I'm saying?

Your wife is just separated from you.

My wife is dead.

She's up in Heaven looking down at me,

watching my every move, spying on me.

Okay, full disclosure.

In a moment of weakness,
I tried to hook up

- with Veronica from the dry cleaners...
- Wait.

You're talking
about Veronica with the...

Yeah, yeah,
that's why I tried to hook up.

So, I got back to her place, you
know, and I'm not feeling good

about myself, but I'm there,
and she said,

"Can I go to the bathroom
and put on something sexy?"

So I'm waiting, and lights
start flickering, man,

so I said, that's your mama
trying to tell me to go.

So I got out.

Thank God you're here.

Congratulations, Rel. You smashed.

Hey, no, no, no, Brittany,

I didn't smash.

Me and Charlene made love,
you know, and...

and I woke up, and she was gone.

Oh, you mean, like, a one-night stand?

It's okay. Life is not
a Paul Melvins movie.

- It was just sex. That's all right.
- No, no, no, no, no.

We had a real connection, man.

It felt like we had potential

to be the next, you know, Jay and Bey.

- No, no, you mean Jay and Bee.
- No, no.

I said "Jay and Bey,"
'cause it's B-E-Y." It's a "Y"

at the end of the "Bey."
You know what I mean?

So what you're saying is,
it's the Bey-Hive

- and Queen Bey.
- No, no, no.

We got a Queen Bee already.

- It's Lil' Kim, okay?
- No, if you take...

No, that's beside the point! Okay?

We got to find Charlene.

Okay, well, did you check
her social media?

Do you know her last name?

Yeah, Charlene...

something.

Rel, she didn't give you
her last name?

That says it all, man.

No, no. See, names are overrated.

Okay?

Did Romeo and Juliet have last names?

Yes.

Their last names
was the whole problem.

You know, you know
something, screw this, man.

Look, I'm-I'm-a... I'm-a
go find her, y'all, and, look...

if Romeo and Juliet could
make it, me and Charlene can.

Refresh my memory.

What happened at the end
of Romeo and Juliet?

She takes fake poison.

He finds her dead, thinks she's
really dead, but she ain't.

So he takes real poison,
and he really dies.

So she wake up, see him dead,
stabs herself to death.

White kids.

Okay, look, she-she was
about this tall, right,

and-and she had on this shirt

that complemented
her brown eyes, and her eyes

had little speckles of hazel in 'em.

Specks of hazel?

She might be sick, man.
Be careful out there.

Jake, she's not sick, okay?

That was just her essence...
it's purple

like the majestic African queen
she descends from.

Nah, man, I ain't seen
no purple bitches up in here.

Look, man, thanks for stopping.
Uh, I don't know if you

remember me from last night.
Uh, I was with a beautiful girl.

- We rode in your cab?
- Oh, I know. I remember thinking,

"What is she doing with him?"

- Okay, so you know her?
- Oh, yeah. Charlene.

Brother, that is perfect, man.
Just give me her address.

Nah, man.

My days of helping stalkers are over.

What are you talking about?
I'm not a stalker.

Yeah, that's what they all say.

What you mean,
"That's what they all say"?

No, no. I'm serious.
I'm not a stalk...

Can-can I at least get
her building number?

I'll just wait in the bushes
till she come out.

Sounds stalky.

It's not! Shoot.

Here you go, man.

Can I help you?

Listen, man, I was here last night

with the woman of my dreams,
and she... she actually paid

with a credit card. Is there
any way I could get her receipt?

Wait. So you made the woman
of your dreams pay for dinner?

Uh, yes, because she wanted to.

But, look,
all I need is her last name.

Listen, man, I don't know what they do

with the receipts around here, man.

They just started letting me
work at this register,

and I've been here for five years.

Oh. What about one of these
cameras, man? Like, is there

any way we could look at
the footage and maybe zoom down

at the receipt and then...
and actually get her name?

Man, those cameras don't work.

My boss just put 'em there
to stop crime.

They ain't even pointing at nothing.

Okay, sorry about that, brother.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Man, I'm all out of
ideas, I'm out of leads.

I don't know what to do, man.

All I know is that Charlene...

Charlene's still got my heart, yo.

Oh, Charlene.

Charlene!

I miss you so much!

It was a one-night stand. Shut up!

You know something, man?
Mind your own damn business.

You don't know my life. You shut up!

Rel, everybody's gonna know your life

if you keep yelling out
the damn window!

Man!

Hello?

Hey, Rel, man, she's here.

- Who?
- The girl.

The girl. The purple chick
with the African essence.

I knew I'd find her.

Yeah, technically, I found her.

Okay, look, just keep her there, man.

I'll be on... right on my way, okay?

All right.

- Guess what, huh?
- What?

Charlene has been found. That's right.

Uh-huh. Love wins, Brittany.

Why does he keep leaving me
alone in his apartment?

Hey, where is she?

Oh-ho.

Prepare to get your
heart strings played, brother.

See what we got here.

Oh.

- Hey, baby.
- Hey.

Now that we've found love,
what we gonna

- boop about it?
- Ooh!

Uh, hey, Rel, I'm gonna just say...

Oh, wait, wait, wait.

Stop right there, baby. Look, um,

I know you probably think I'm
like the other guys, you know,

who only think
about just sleeping with you.

No, that's not my M.O., you know.

I really believe that we, uh...
we're soul mates.

Whoa.

Rel, look, um...

I had a real great time
with you last night,

but if I can be honest, I kind
of wanted it to be just that...

last night.

I mean, I feel like, um...
I just... I feel like

we had, like, this really
deep connection. I mean...

we took a pedicab ride, and...

- we ate "guy-ros" together, and...
- That was fun.

You know, I genuinely loved
all of those things,

but that's not all that I am.

I hope it's not all you are.

Last night was magical,
but in a way where two strangers

just get caught up
in genuine attraction.

It was a one-night relationship,

but a beautiful one.

I mean...

- It was something about...
- I know.

Where your glasses at?

Oh, I don't wear those every day.

I mean, that was just a fashion thing.

I got 20/20.

Huh?

You know, but I had fun.

You know, maybe we could... do this...

So... you don't need glasses?

No.

So you just...

you just wear it as a fashion thing?

Right.

You can actually see?

- Right.
- Wow.

Do you got a blinged-out
wheelchair somewhere, too,

or... a decorative asthma pump?

- Wait. What?
- How do I say this?

Um... this is wrong.

Let me tell you something.

Growing up, the trauma I went through

for wearing glasses
is ridiculous, okay?

You didn't get called
"four-eyes," okay?'

Nobody called you a librarian.
Nobody mistaked you

for a substitute teacher,
they coming to your desk

to sign their name for attendance.

- Okay. Okay, Rel.
- Huh?

I think you're overreacting.
Let me just go.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, I'm not overreacting.

All right. Bye, Rel.

Should be ashamed of yourself.

I'm not.

Lemon drop?

You know something, man?

I just...

Maybe I made too much
of a big deal out of it.

At the end of the day,
I didn't even know

who she really was, you know?

But... honestly, you know,
shibbity dobos.

I had a great time.

What makes me feel
even better is that...

my best friend loves me enough
to come check on me.

Oh, no.

I'm actually here waiting
for one of my dips.

Ready to get up out of here, Brittany?

I am.

This is...

Oh, God. This is, uh...

I'm at a loss for words.

I mean, you know, who would've
thought for Pretty Man,

I would win Best Leading Actor
playing a male prostitute?

Which I'm actually...
I really was a male prostitute,

and it's very unique that, uh,
you would give someone

who's actually
the character they played

the award for Best Leading Actor.

Uh, first, I would like to thank, um...

and this is unusual... my pimp.

Uh, Marvin, thank you so much
for the training,

the slaps, the, uh...

the abuse that prepared me to
really dive into this character

and make people
all over America relate

to a male prostitute and his struggle.

Uh, I would also like to thank my,

uh, parents, who I never knew.

This is why I, you know,
jumped into prostitution,

because, uh, I raised myself
on the streets,

and that's where
I was found by the pimp

who pretty much raised me
and had me selling my body.

Um... I also...

Wait. Hey! No.

Hey, no, you're not
gonna play me off here.

No, no. No, I'm not done yet!

Look, look, Richard Dreyfuss
was up here for 45 minutes,

and no one said anything, okay?

Okay, damn it, I'm getting this out.

As soon as a black man
wins an award, you...

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