All language subtitles for The.Miss.OTB.Scandal.2021.1080p.WEBRip.x264-RARBG

Say farewell, babies.

Two con men walk into a bar,

I can't remember
the punch line,

but this time
it ain't no joke.

How could such a good plan
get so screwed up?

I guess if greed and constantly
being under the influence

are to blame then

I'm as guilty as a hooker
on crack and Kitchity Katchity

is as guilty
as a crack on a hooker.

This ain't no pleasant story,

but it sure
is an unbelievable adventure

filled with busty women,
fast cars,

a buttload of money

and a hell of a lot of
broken promises

and crushed dreams.

I'm going to have to start
at the end and work my way back.

That's what she said.

Two Vegas icons crumbled...

tonight at the Grand
re-re-opening of the casino

just off the Vegas Strip.

Police believe the celebrity
has-been duo of, uh,

Jackie Fontaine
and Kitchity Katchity

staged a fake beauty pageant
to benefit the OTB foundation.

The duo's shady
dealings were exposed

during the night's events,

causing the two
to flee the scene.

Their getaway car
was found just

a few hours outside of Vegas.

Police believe there was
a struggle inside the car,

causing it to flip off
the side of the road.

Jackie Fontaine was found
wandering the Mexican border,

while Kitchity Katchity...

still remains at large.

Oh, no, Becky,
they're right here, right now.

It's something to do with, um,

with the OTB people,
they're here right now.

A motion picture company
is right in here, right now,

and they're taking my photograph
right now as we speak.

That's why I can't talk
too long, sweetheart.

No, it's something about...

all the girls that Jackie
has assembled at one point,

you know, with the big tushies
and everything, I don't know.

Some kind of scandal
or something.

I know, I have to go.

This might help,

maybe they're going
to get 'em off.

Oh, oh, you're so funny.

I don't think
it's anything like that, though.

I know my dear boy.

Okay, goodbye.

Tell Ted I said hello.

Oh, you know, Becky,
is just full of herself.

She's as excited
as I am about everything.

She can talk up a storm,
you know.

Anyways,
get back to my sandwich, here.

Look at that, this beautiful
sandwich that I made.

Jackie used to love when
I made sandwiches like this.

You know, he used to have
girls over all the time

in his bedroom and stuff,

and they would always
be practicing.

I would hear them
practicing all night.

You know, na-na, na-na,
things like that.

And I'd go, Jackie,
your father's going to kill you

if you mess up
those sheets again!

And then I would realize
his father's not coming home.

He went out
for a pack of cigarettes,

and never came back.

Anyways,
let me get myself a drink here.

Oh, yes.

Let's go watch Pat Sajak,
shall we?

Jersey-born,
I knew I was destined for fame

and fortune
when at the age of seven,

I won a local talent contest.

I dropped the mic and started
shouting "zing, pow wow!"

And a star was born, babies.

Ah, those friggin' birds.

Oh, right, we need the birds

or we're not
a legit documentary.

Let me show you what he looked
like when he was on that show.

Here he was, little Jackie. Oh.

He used to poop himself a lot,
Jackie did.

I think it was
God's way of saying,

you need to pay attention
to your little son.

And I would rub
his little tush.

Did you want any sandwich?

And then here's,

Jackie sent me this
from Las Vegas.

He's a lovely boy,
he always enjoyed...

sending me things
from far away.

And then,
I'm so proud of this,

he got me an award.

I don't know what it's for
'cause the plaque,

it came off of it
but he said, 'ma,

he used to call me 'ma,
you're a star in my book.

And I used to cry a lot
about things like that.

This was the 70s,
Jackie was hot.

Buster Guy was the hot show.

Jackie was doing live shows
five nights a week.

I don't know where he found
the energy, but boy,

he had it
and there was this...

this other kid, this new kid
who had his own act.

It was really taking off.

It was like this
Yakov Smirnoff thing.

Like, he was talking about
how his country was different

from our country.

Total rip off,

but it was the 80s,
so nobody cared.

I brought
the kid into the lights

and I was the only one
who saw more than just

a little purple-coloured
rat squeaky toy.

He met that Clackity-Cloackity,
whatever his name was,

that little furry thing,

I don't,
to this day, understand...

Now, here's a secret.

Kitchity Katchity
ain't got no papers.

He got in the U.S. of A.
by being a mule

for his cousin, Cudai.

Word is Kitchity owes Cudai
a buttload of cash,

no pun intended.

You know,
they met at my table.

When they first come here,
they didn't know a soul.

Mostly,
they'd just sit around

trying to cheat each other.

Hey, the gang's all here.

I don't believe it.

You two old cronies
are still alive?

Oh my.

They just didn't
get along all the time.

Liquor, drugs
and booze and women...

Women!

Yeah, that's what was
the problem.

The women,
the booze, the drugs.

And then they'd fight over
the women.

Yeah, right, but I think
they loved each other.

Kitchity Katchity became
the fan favorite breakout star

for the TV show Buster Guy.

After a pay dispute

at the end of the first year
as a series regular,

he moved out to L.A.
and we took him on.

He went commercial, man.

He really wanted
your Uncle Tom on his back.

Uh, he... he left us.

We knew he didn't have
the right temperament

for a kid show,
but we had the opportunity

to replace Ranger Rob
on his TV show,

and we jumped on it
and he made it work.

The statistics don't lie.

Kids love purple.

He was miserable,
artistically.

Spending money
as fast as he was making it.

And word of the drinking

and the life he was living

was being put out
for the public.

So... mid-season

we replaced him
with the YouTuber Poopy.

He said he was never going
to share the spotlight again.

♪ I got my sugar ♪

I should have
seen it coming.

His drooling like Pavlov's dogs
at any mention of a gig,

his outrageous temper tantrums
when the Hennessy ran out.

Kitchity Katchity had an agenda

that put old Beelzebub
himself to shame.

Yeah, this hurts me
as much as it hurts you.

I had created a monster.

Aw, yes.

He was so done
doing anything with kids.

He hated kids.
They made him sick.

So he flew off to Vegas

and...
went to find Jackie for help.

That's when he wrote...

Bible School Sluts
from Outer Space.

He wanted to show off
his acting chops.

He wanted to reinvent himself

and he needed to do
something big, something...

like... like
Ten Commandments big.

Oh? Heavenly star command?

Do you copy?

Oh, no. Kitchi-poo!

You there, girl.
Get me off!

No one would touch him.

No one.

He was broke when that flopped.

He said he wanted
to go to Vegas

and "relive the glory days"?

He said he had to go
hook up with Jackie again.

Oh, he left me with nothing.

He left me with this.

"Dear sweetness,

as you well know,
I've messed up.

Unfortunately, the only solution
is to leave L.A. forever."

I'm behind
six months on the utilities.

I owe the bank 50k and I also
owe Rizzo a thousand,

and Kermit 500,
I think.

As you well know,

I didn't spend it
on other women,

but on the horse races.

Please,
kiss the Corvette for me.

I'm behind
on the car payments, too.

I also owe 800 to Elmo.

Careful, he's shady.

"Sincerely,
your Kitchi-pie."

Hey, hey, hey, now.

You questioning
the validity of OTB?

You haven't the audacity
to make judgment

of the existence of the very
affliction that has crippled

so many of my friends
and colleagues?

Unbelievable.

You're just like
all the other lame brains.

I bet you'd even go
as far as to accuse me

and Kitchity Katchity
of making this OTB horror up.

Well, I'll have you know that
OTB is as real as it comes.

Because in broken knee caps,
lost wages, divorce,

and even degenerative
degenerate syndrome,

like that which has attacked
my buddy Kitchity Katchity.

Yes, he, my friends,

is on the top of the spectrum
of afflictional diseases.

Yeah, you go Google that.

Oh, yeah. That's nice.

Oh, hey, welcome

that the Up All Night Show
with me,

your host with the most,
Jackie Fontaine.

I put the zing, pow, wow

back in your dusty old box.

Oh, I love that so much
entertainment is in our blood.

Yes, it is.

Oh. Oh, wow. Oh, yeah.

Come on out, baby.

Where's Kitchity Katchity at,
yeah?

It's Kitchity Katchity time,.

You see, some time
after I lost my show,

and started running
out of money,

I wasn't feeling so well.

I went to my doctor

and that's when he said
"unfortunately...

you've come down with...

OTB."

Oh, God, no.

Not the OTB.

I can't believe it.

Is there anything that Jackie
can do for you, huh?

Yes, there is, Jackie.

You see, medical research
has come a long way...

but they need funding.

So I thought to myself,

what can I do to bring
awareness to OTB?

And I said to myself,

you do what you do best,
old boy.

Exploiting hot young
for personal gain.

A beauty pageant
to bring awareness to OTBs!

That is a great

idea. Truly inspirational idea.

You got there
with beauties like Baby,

- why they would just blow...
- Yes.

...any ignorant minds.

- Oh, it's great.
- Yes. Yes!

Yes, but I can't
do this alone.

Jackie Fontaine,

I need your help
to lead people to water

so that they may drink
from the cup of knowledge.

Only you with your
clear blue eyes

with a roguish snap,

providing us many years
of quality entertainment,

as well as providing DNA
for half the cast of

- the Jersey Shore.
- Hey, hey, hey!

Will you help bring
awareness to my cause?

Yes.

Help me bring
awareness to OTBs.

Yes, I will.

Calls were made
and ads placed

and favors were redeemed.

We reserved time on my super
access cable television show,

which was full of hutzpah.

Oh, the magic
was in motion, babies.

And then somehow
all this beauty pageant,

and all in the name
of the OTB.

Thank you for calling
Jackie Fontaine's

Cavalcade of Celebrities
and Super Spotlights Glued

to the Truth and
for any short cases as Telethon.

I'm a mom.

I'm a nurse practitioner.

A professional poker player.

I'm a librarian.

President
of my local bingo club.

- I'm someone's brother.
- I'm a detective.

I'm a granddaughter.

And I'm also an American.

Proud American.

- I'm an American.
- American.

- American.
- American.

...and I suffer from OTB.

I suffer from OTB.

- And I suffer from OTB.
- It's really up.

Hold on, yes, grandpa.

Yes, yes, yes,
I will tell them.

And I have bookies to pay.

Please stand, united.

Let's stand united.

So let's all stand together.

Let's all join together

and support
the Miss OTB Pageant.

For his sake.

Hi, folks,
Jackie Fontaine here.

And did you know that 60 percent
of the 20 percent of the people

you just saw are dealing
with the awful affliction

of OTB in their lives?

But did you also know
that stars and celebrities

and rich people
and more important people

are dealing with OTB, too.

like my good friend here,
Kitchity Katchity.

Please,
won't you see it

from the bottom of your heart
to help support

the OTB Foundation?

You can come out and support

the Miss OTB beauty pageant
with beautiful women.

So please,
if you don't do it for yourself,

do it for America.

Do it for the man above,
but please, do it.

So here's a heartfelt
zing pow wow to you,

and thanks for your support.

Do we get your support,
sweetheart?

Yeah, I am, baby.

See? Thanks, folks.

Right off the bat,
the word on the street

is that the pageant was rigged.

Really, I can't say that
I don't blame people

for saying that, after all,

it was being held for free

at our old stomping grounds
at Casino.

Yes, we hosted
the Miss OTB Pageant.

We couldn't be happier
about it.

Jackie and Kitchity
were like prodigal sons,

a family returned to home.

Of course, nothing
is for free in this world.

Even if it is
the casino stage,

a stage that we had
to share the rental

of between the local junior
high production of Our Town

and the Vegas Ladies
Quilting Awards Banquet.

Also,
it didn't hurt that

the casino was owned and built
by an ex-smalltime bookie

from the rough side
of the tracks of Milwaukee.

Butch,
the bookie of ,

an old friend of ours
who it was rumored

had passed away recently
from OTB.

Now his son, Butch
the bookie took over.

And of course,
the bookie junior, Butch,

didn't seem to fall
too far from the Kratch tree,

if you know what I mean.

I'm Butch Snyder, junior,

and I run this magical place,

the Casino
in downtown Las Vegas.

You know,
all casinos have lobbies,

but at the Casino,
have we got a lobby!

You know, all casinos
and all hotels have rooms,

but at the Casino,
have we got rooms!

And, of course,
all casinos have restaurants.

But at the Casino?
Have we got a restaurants!

Yes, there's no casino
in the world

like the Casino
in downtown Las Vegas.

I was Jackie's
personal assistant

for about 20 plus
wonderful years.

He liked to praise
the go-for women.

Go for this,
go for that he would say.

Oh... it was just like one of
those baby hairless monkeys

you want to roll around
on the floor with.

Linoleum, I might add.

I used to clean his home
and did his laundry,

hand-washed.

No, Jackie never paid me back.

He owed me money.

Hey, guys, thanks for coming
down here and waiting for us.

Our little deer here,
she's not much of a day person.

Sometimes I wake up
and I don't know where I am.

You I had to be there.

Yeah, but this pageant,
it's been really good for us.

Except for the fact that
it's being hosted at the Casino.

But I mean, our girl here
she's, you know,

she's got a schedule
to keep now

and goals to strive and aim for.

And she's meeting
a lot of new people.

So I think
it's been really good for her.

Whoa.

Oh, oh.

I just love my life
as a dancer.

I've met some really
interesting people.

And I've learned
a whole lot about myself.

Yep, I just love it
when I learn important stuff,

all by accident.

I never thought
I'd be in a pageant.

So I wanted, I thought
it'd be a good idea to use it

as a platform to promote
my charity idea I came up with.

We are a family
with standards, you see.

And, um, as...

And as a, as a charity...

- Mom...
- Give that to me.

Just going to show it.

As charity minded...

as charity minded people,

I just want to...
I just want to help people

who are in difficult times.

So the... resource

that I came up with
for my charity is...

Charity.

Our family
has an obligation.

And if that involves
a noble charity,

well then I say, so be it.

You know, I had actually
never even heard

of this Jackie Fountain before
or this itchy fellow.

His name is Kit Kat.

And, but I want to know because

I wasn't allowed to watch
anything on TV where...

Again,
we're a charity minded people.

And we are often blinded
by good intentions.

Oh, bullshit.

Yeah, right.

Because you said
colleges for fools

and IT schools are scams.

All the commercials
late at night.

We'll have no talk
of trade schools on film.

Young lady.

So tell everyone then.

Why is it such a crime
to work with your hands?

Out of the mouths of babes.

I blame this on her father.

Ugh, that Castilian
blood of yours

makes her say
the darndest things.

You say the darnedest thing,
do you.

Ew!

Don't make out with me on TV.

- Make out.
- Stop it.

Oh, pretty.

So I know you didn't get
to see it that well earlier,

but it says, ask me about OTB
and it has the guys on here

and then, um, I research like,
what areas of the world...

That is lovely, dear.

Like I said,
charity minded.

Come this way.

These are my prized possessions.

Besides Britney, of course.

Are you alright, honey?

Here is my Lovely Eyes sash.

And here,
I won for bowling night queen.

♪ Gonna score tonight! ♪

And over here is,
we don't talk about that one.

And this is
healthy living queen.

Still working on that.

And here
is my piece de resistance.

Miss Nevada Supreème.

Nineteen-eighty...

Whoa, oh, look here!

Here I am on my wedding day.

As you may know,
Mr. Tehran is no longer with us.

Oh look,
we were so in love.

Our love was almost,

almost too much.

The highs were so high.

It was... intense.

It was almost abnormal.

Yes, it was, um...
it was so intense that I...

I had him deported.

I can't say that it was easy
being a single mother alone,

raising a young daughter,
but rest assured friends...

my little girl
will grow up to know...

the most important thing
in this life...

is being a beautiful woman.

You all look so pretty,
it's a little intimidating.

What are you,
some kind of lesbian, bag lady?

Oh, oh, no.
I mistaken for that a lot.

I... This is for charity.

Yeah. Charity's
what got you the dog.

Oh, snap!

Shh!

Thank you all for coming
and trying out

for the first ever
pageant to benefit OTB.

I'm Toby and I'll be
your coach for the run

of this magical experience

that will change
your life forever.

Now...

please let me introduce you
to our co-founder

and local Las Vegas icon,

Mr. Jackie Fountain.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Yeah, hello! Holy.

Yeah, I just flew in
from Jersey.

My you-know-
what's hurting.

Hey, welcome, ladies
to the first annual

OTB Beauty Pageant
Cavalcade of Celebrity

Super Spotlights Glued
to the Truth.

And you're,
you right now

are meeting the host
with the most.

Or maybe you ladies

are going to be the most
with the moist.

I kid, I kid. Yeah, you know.

But anyways, you're all
going to make history tonight.

Maybe a hysterectomy.

See that joke, stick that
right in there in-studio.

Oh, oh.

Oh.

Really?

And where do you think
you're going?

This is Miss Kelly,
personal trainer.

I see why you called me here.

We have a lot of work
ahead of us.

What?

Mom, I don't have time.
I'm going to work.

- I'm going...
- There will be no work

in this house, young lady.

Come on, you...

And what... is this?

That's my ukulele.

I've been...

You thought
you were going to play this

in the talent portion,
didn't you?

- Well...
- Didn't you?

- Yes?
- Let me guess,

this is one of those
it's so lame

that it's hip things, right?

Ugh, do you guys not get it,
you don't get the irony that...

Typical hipsters,
bacon diet with no definition.

- So sad.
- What?

Oh my, please.

Mom, no. No!

Let's get one thing straight.

Miss Kelly has agreed
to work with you on the side

and help mold you
into image

of a perfect
pageant goddess.

And there is no room
for ironic hipster garbage!

Mom, what are we going to do
about the talents?

What are we going to do now?

What all sexy and sophisticated
young women do.

Modern dance.

Thank you, yeah.

Will you excuse me,
just a minute please?

Thanks.

There is something
really special

about that girl right there.

Watch and learn.

Oh.

Excuse me.

It's just a little something
I carry with me when I cry.

So...

Oh, yeah, yeah.

You're pushing
the buttons there, Cece.

You are a big button pusher.

I don't know about big.

Oh, yeah. No, no, no.
You're alright...

Yeah, I was seeing
Kitchity on the side.

What of it?

And let me tell you,
that little purple guy...

who knows
how to please a woman.

That little purple fur,

he knows how to hit
all the right spots.

That's something that Jackie,
could never do.

Mm.

Ah, bugger.

How could I let
my animal magnetism

take over like that?

How was I to know
that my love making

would start the shit storm
of the century?

Little did I know

that this was the start
of my own undoing.

This was all
that purple little swifter

needed in order
to put his plan into action.

He knew I would have
her plums up.

And he knew I would be too busy
wheeling and dealing.

He knew my musk, Man Breeze,
available at all drugstores

for 29.99,
would fill the air

with animalistic urges
and innuendos.

I had her sexy long legs
with those black, new,

whoa, stilettos from Kmart
shaking in the nether regions.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We all know that if you play
where your shit,

you end up with a sandbox
full of turds.

Oh baby.

So why didn't I exercise
a little self-control?

Why couldn't I see that Cece,
an amazing dreamboat of a woman,

was after more
than just Jackie's manhood?

Psst! Camera boy, come here.
Come in here.

Shh...

Call it a mother's intuition,

but there is something
not quite right here,

and I am going to find out
what it is.

Pipe down over there,
we're having a meeting.

...cell phone backstage,
blowing up my stage. Okay.

Britney!

Honey,
you just look so fabulous.

Oh, I'm so nervous I think
I'm going to throw up.

That just means
you're ready for office.

But I tell you what,
if you need to do that,

go find the trash can,
okay sugar? Alright.

Okay, girls,
it's about go to time.

Now, remember,
this is for charity,

so suck 'em in
and stick 'em out.

Where is that purple little rat?
When I get my hands on him...

Who died
and made you Grand Puba?

Oh, well, speaking of Puba
How about this, queen?

I had to discover
you and Kitchity

in the smut magazines, huh?

What a girl
can't have a good time?

Oh, when I get my hands...

...on him.

Oh, I bet
you're nesting in there.

You come out, right now.

Oh!

You've lost your mind.

Oh, I've lost my,
oh there you are.

Look at that perfect little
hideout right there, huh?

You come out right now
and face me like...

Where are you?
You're going to pay for this.

Jackie, you fuck...- giddy.

You are going to get up
out of that chair like a man

and face me like a man,

you little purple rag-wearing,

gypsy cab driving,
son of a...

Oh, yeah, you piece of coal,
your white sheets are showing.

What are you doing
with my Elaine, huh?

- Whoa, time out!
- You stay out of this.

Hey, at least someone around
here can still lay some pipe.

Who? Your little pecker?

You look like
the grimace of scot creek.

You look like a hate crime.

You were nothing
but backup talent.

No matter
how much you paid that lady,

- that wig always looks fake.
- Oh, really?

Well, I'll tell you,
you're a tough guy, huh?

What do you think
about this, huh?

- Yeah. Yeah, you like that?
- Stop it, I'm...

I'm going to keep pushing it.

That's it, Jackie.
You get out of here.

I swear if you screw up
this gig for me tonight,

a wire brush
your saggy old man balls

until you drop your Depends.

Do you get me, Fontaine?

Oh, you don't
talk to me that way.

Next wife,
or no one's wife.

You're a has-been, Fontaine.
Now and forevermore.

I'm just getting started.
You understand?

You little purple
piece of crap, huh?

So I'm, I'm really nervous.

What about you?

I don't get nervous.

- I'm a dancer.
- Really?

You don't get nervous?

Look, this is my me-time
before the show.

If you're looking
to make friends,

why don't you take
your little lesbian dyke bag

and your hairy little legs
and go down the street,

try the local dyke bar.

I'll even give you a topic,
power tools.

No, I don't know
what your problem is with me,

but I've been really nice
to you and everyone here.

I mean,
we're here for charity.

Reality check, honey.
I don't do charity.

Butch, the bookie junior,
owns the Casino,

and he made a deal
with Jackie and K.K.

and all of Vegas
for this pageant.

So, you see, I can't lose.

So you see, this pageant

isn't really about
charity, losers.

It's about winners.
And that would be me.

You think I can't do this?

Think again, because I can,
and I'm going to show you.

I'll show all of you.

Then you may want to shave
your upper lip, tuts.

Ha, ha-ha, ha,
Ha-ha-ha...

You all think
I can't do this?

Well I can.

I'm going to show you all.

Hey, what's wrong?

Look what they did to you.

This is it.

Oh. Hello, Jackie.

I was just looking for
something.

- Oh, really?
- Yes.

What'd you lose?

I was looking for a... condom.

Really?

I thought maybe we could...
find a use for it.

Call me Mrs. Robinson.

♪ Oh, Mrs. Robinson ♪

Coo-coo-cachoo.

I'm what needs getting done.

I bet you do.

Let me tell you something, baby.

Oh.

You're going to take
a Jackie ride.

Oh, there you go.

It's a neat ticket.

- Oh, all the way.
- Oh. Alright, Jackie.

Alright, Jackie.

Oh, but first, but first...

Let me prepare
the mood for you.

Okay, come on.

Yeah touch me.
There you go.

- Oh dear.
- Oh, okay.

Let me, let me prepare
something, okay?

- Alright.
- Yes, Jackie. Prepare.

Come with me.

I know you've been
waiting for this.

You know you want it.
Let's put some music on first.

Almost there, one second.

Oh, Jackie!

Oh, Jackie!

Oh, Cece, Sicily, Cece.

I love how that feels, Jackie.

What the?

Yeah, do it.

Jackie!

Jackie? Jackie?

Mom? Oh, my God!

What? What'd you say?

- "Oh, my God?"
- That wasn't me.

- No?
- No.

Britney... Britney
this is not what it looks like.

No, not at all.
I was not...

I was teaching
that snatch a lesson.

- I was...
- What?

- Shut up, you little man.
- You don't have to...

I think I'm going
to be sick.

No, not in here.
This is brand new carpet I got.

No, no, no, no.

Now look, okay, that's it.
No more dance moves.

Mom, you're sick in the head.

No,
I did it all for you.

Mom, the 60s are over.

I did it all for you.
Britney, all for you!

Britney, are you okay?

I've been better, though.

Huh?

That was sarcasm.

Oh.

Well, hey, ah,
I got somebody here

that wants to talk to you.

Oh, I bet they do.

Oh?

That was, that was sarcasm.

Oh, right. I'm learning.

Okay, so someone
wants to thank you

for all your hard work.

What? Who wants what?

Go on, Ruby.
Tell her what you told me.

Well, the other day,
I was over at Jackie's house

doing yard work,
as he asked me to,

when I gota touch of the heat
stroke and fell into the pool,

but luckily
I had one of your bags,

which I used
as a flotation device.

Oh, I screamed
for hours and hours,

but no one could hear me.

I think Jackie
had the television on too long.

If it wasn't
for the ramen noodles

in the water purifier again,
I would have surely drowned.

Oh, are you okay?
Hope you're okay?

I think so.

After I got
a bit of strength back,

I kicked my legs like one
of the Rockets and made it out.

You saved my life.
You and your wonderful bags.

Oh, my gosh.

Oh, my gosh. Wow.

Well, I'll leave you
two kids alone now.

Time for me to go take

a delicious bowel movement.

Good luck, Rube.

Oh my gosh.

Thanks for reminding me why,
why I got into this pageant

in the first place.

Well, that's not all.

Thank you. Oh, I mean,

thanks for this and for, um,
for bringing me home.

Well, I thought someone

might have forgotten about
their most beautiful feature.

Uh, my God, their boobs?

No, their heart.

Oh.

You play?

Oh, yeah.
I mean I played a little.

Mostly I play guitar.

But you work for that
Kitchity OTB creep.

I don't... You don't
look like L.A. trash.

What's your deal?

Well, first of all,
thank you for the compliment.

And second...
that's a good question.

I mean,
I was an intern on his show,

when he had a show,

and you could say,
I work for him,

but mostly I'm an actor.

That takes a lot of guts
to move out to L.A. and...

There's nothing more gratifying

than filling the world's
hearts with joy.

I know I'm not
a big star or anything,

and I probably never
will be one, but...

I got into this game
to fill those hearts with joy,

and if I have to prop up
a glutton and drunk to do it,

then so be it.

I mean... I'm sure

one day your dream
will come true and,

and when it does,

people will fall in love
with the real thing.

Oh.

Zing pow wow, baby.
This was it.

The night we had worked
our asses to the bone for.

The ladies were all
puffed up like peacocks.

The celebrity judges
were in place.

The lights ablaze
and the money

was falling out of the sky
into our laps.

Hello, I'm here
with Butch Junior,

owner of this fine
Nevada casino

nestled in the heart
of the Las Vegas Strip.

Thanks for joining us tonight,
Butch Jr.

Thank you so much.
And you know what?

I'm really glad that you said
that we are in the heart

of the Las Vegas Strip
because we here at the Casino,

we're all about heart.

Some folks at home,
they might think that

we in the casino business
are responsible for OTB,

but I'm here to tell you and all
of them

that is simply not true.

In fact, this evening,
I am going to donate $50,000.

So not only good looking,
but also a giver as well.

Well, we appreciate that.

Oh, thank you.
You are too kind.

Hey! Zing pow wow!

I bet you have some
papaerwork to do.

Hey, zing pow wow.
How you doing?

Good Jackie, good to see you.

It's a man of the hour,
Mr. Jackie Fontaine himself.

- Pleasure to meet you.
- Yes, it is.

Nobody can fill up a casino
like my buddy Butch, here.

- Well, we do aim to please.
- Oh, yeah.

Hey, speaking of aiming,
why don't you learn

how to aim a little better
when you're in the men's room?

- I look at my shoes.
- Oh.

- Made you look!
- This guy...

You stepped right into that.

But seriously, folks, I kid.
I kid all the time.

We're just trying to kind of
clear up a few things.

I'm just trying
to get an interview

- with Kitchity Katchity tonight.
- Yes.

You know, we want to hear
a little bit more

about his condition,

about the response
from the community.

We also want to know
where the proceeds are being,

where they're being utilized.

Oh, of course, yeah,
everybody wants to know that.

And the community.
We love the community.

Thank you, community. Yeah.

You know, I've been trying
to get a hold of the OTB people

'cause we need to know
how to put those things to use,

but they don't want to answer
any of their phone

or anything they don't know.

It's like maybe they got
like a disconnect or something,

like, We've been
looking for you, Jackie.

Oh, sick.

We just wanted to thank you,
you know,

for all the good
work you're doing

- for the OTB community.
- Oh, well.

Hey, thanks, guys. Yeah.

You know, I tell you,
Rocco the Strangler,

I didn't know you were
out of jail yet, huh?

You too.
Hey, good to see you guys.

Hey, hey.
The whole gang's here.

- Come on over.
- When we heard

what you and Kitchity Katchity
were doing and, you know,

you didn't contact us.

And now here you are using
the name of your TV foundation.

Yeah, you can understand why
we's a little upset with you.

Thanks to this
good woman right here.

See, she contacted us
on behalf of Jackie

and Kitchity Katchity
and the OTB pageant.

She explained to us
there may have been

a little miscommunication
between the two parties.

Yes. I, Sissy Terrin,

Miss Nevada 19...

I took it upon myself
to contact these

fine gentlemen and their
little group.

As the moral authority
of this state,

and with Jackie's blessing

and the blessing
of Mr. Katch...

...uh, Purple Thing...

I offer a welcoming hand
to this pageant,

which is based around
such a wonderful charity.

As you may know,

I come from
a charity-minded family.

It's the way I was raised

and the way
I raised my daughter,

my beautiful little girl,
contestant number 13.

Gorgeous kid at that.

Young lady's not so bad herself,
a real class act.

Oh, stop it.
You're too sweet.

And I would like
to tell your viewers,

if anyone thinks
that I am with Jackie

just to benefit my little girl,

well, that is simply a lie.

Our love is true.

As a matter of fact...
we're engaged.

And your little TV audience
is the first to know.

Ladies and gentlemen, hello.

My name is Butch Snyder Jr.,

and I would like
to welcome you

to the first annual

Jackie Fontaine,
Kitchity Katchity

Cavalcade of Beauty
and Superspotlight of Talent

Celebrity Tribute
to the Troops OTB

Beauty Pageant Supershow,
benefiting, of course,

the Jackie Fontaine
OTB Foundation.

And now, it is my privilege
to introduce to you

this evening's host,
the king of comedy,

the Man with the Golden Throat,

Mr. Jackie Fontaine.
Here's Jackie!

♪ Here she is ♪

♪ who knows what we see? ♪

♪ Who knows if it's she? ♪

♪ We just know
it might be Miss OTB ♪

♪ Miss OTB! ♪

Hey! Ladies and gentlemen,

zing pow wow,
I'm Jackie Fontaine.

Thank you very much for being
here at the first annual

Jackie Fontaine
and Kitchity Katchity

beauty pageant
to benefit the OTB Foundation.

But first, let's bring it down.
Let's center ourselves.

Let's remember
exactly why we're here.

Not for glitz, not for glamour,
not for glitter.

We're here because of this
horrible disease, OTB.

That's right,
I got a phone call

from a very, very
high profile celebrity,

a good friend of mine
called me and said,

"Jackie, I got the OTB
and before those damn vultures

in the media picked me apart

like, like a Costco
rotisserie chicken.

I want to come out
on my own on your program,

the Up All Night Show."

And he did,
and that's where we decided

the whole world
needs to know about him.

And ladies and gentlemen,

that celebrity
is a good friend of mine.

Kitchity Katchity!

- Butch, Butch get over here.
- I'm sorry, Jackie.

- No, no. No, Butch.
- I promised I wouldn't cry.

You gotta suck it up,
you got to suck it up,

just like your dad did,
Butch Senior.

You run a goddamn casino

and we're going to beat
OTB together.

Now you'll get over there,
control yourself.

But first,
ladies and gentlemen,

a lot of people
don't know shit about OTB.

But you know what?

These ladies right here,

they know everything

there is to know about OTB.

And that's why
they're giving up tonight.

They're giving up their bodies,

they're giving up their talent,
they're giving up

who knows what else
to fight OTB!

And that's exactly
what they'll do

because one of these ladies
is going to be crowned

Miss OTB
and help us stomp out OTB!

My heart was beating.

My palms were sweating.
I don't know.

Maybe it was the diet pills.

Or maybe
it was just the fact

that I was back in the game,
baby!

The game I loved,
the game I ruled.

The game of entertainment
and celebrityism.

A world filled
with fast chase,

loose money and fun.

It was just a crown away.

I was tuned in
into my machismo,

spilling pheromones
out of my glands.

And my entertainment abilities

were all heightened
to their peak.

I was ready for the comeback.

Yet, something,
something somewhere

was pulling
at my boxer shorts.

And it wasn't
a groupie this time.

I couldn't put
my finger on it,

but I did smell
the slight aroma

of a purple,
furry little rat.

But did I listened to my gut?
No!

No, I was too caught up
in the excitement.

♪ I want to tell you,
that I, ♪

♪ I think you're
looking just fine, ♪

♪ I want to tell you that I,
I want you by my side, ♪

♪ The way you move your body,
the way I feel inside ♪

♪ I want to take you
for a ride ♪

♪ Wanna be with you ♪

♪ Do you want me too? ♪

♪ Wanna be with you ♪

♪ You're the one that I want,
you're the one that I need ♪

♪ You're the one that I want,
we can make it tonight ♪

♪ Stay here,
it'd be more than okay ♪

♪ 'Cause there's nothing
that can stand in our way ♪

♪ If you'd stay here,
it'd be more than okay, ♪

♪ 'cause there's nothing
that can stand in my way ♪

♪ You're the one that I want,
you're the one that I need ♪

♪ You're the one that I want,
we can make it tonight ♪

♪ You're the one that I want,
you're the one that I need ♪

♪ You're the one that I want,
we can make it tonight ♪

♪ You're the one that I want,
you're the one that I need ♪

♪ You're the one that I want,
we can make it tonight ♪

I'm going to do dance.

Modern dance, modern dance.

I'm going to dance to a song.

I, uh...
I think you forgot something.

Forgive me
for intruding on their

cute little sexually
frustrated scene.

I guess I should always
keep my thoughts to myself,

but you see,
the truth is that

the brilliant producers
of this film asked me to talk

over this cute little scene
'cause they never secured

the rights to the song
these two youths are strumming.

It's a damn shame 'cause
they're actually

pretty good kids.

If you like that
touchy feely

kind of crap, you know.

In my day,
we would just put

the sheet music upside down,

ad lib a few verses
and zing pow wow, babies!

No lawyers, no subpoenas.

Hey, things can get lost
in translation.

But hell,
who's listening?

And the most of the dives
I played were filled

with stern old bums
and bimbos.

Hey, but I digress.

Oh well, looks like a little
Beaver and Gaga duet

is almost done.

Hey, let's just keep this
between us, huh?

Yes, yes!
Oh, that's my little girl.

Oh, I'm so proud of you,
Britney.

Congratulations. Oh! Oh!

Yes, thank you, ladies.

Oh, aren't they all talented?
Fantastic job.

Well, ladies and gentlemen,
as in all beauty pageants,

that time has come
in this evening

for us to have our very first
elimination in this period.

Who will it be, huh?

Big drumroll,

ladies and gentlemen.
Ah-ha.

Our first contestant
to be eliminated tonight,

oh is number 13.

Britney! Thank you, Britney.

You can go ahead
and go off right over there.

Now, ladies and gentlemen,
you see how easy that was?

All you have to do is be one
notch below, and you're out.

But that's not going
to happen to you.

Now the next one
is the hula hoop contest.

All the things I do for people,
God damn it.

Fuck me. You know?

- You got their money?
- Yes, Jackie.

Oh, good, good. Good.
That's my girl.

You know, that son of a b......,
that purple little rag.

I know he's up to something.

If I got the OTB people
so far up my ass,

I can taste
their cheap cologne.

But you know, it's okay.
It's okay.

You know why, sweetheart?

Because we got the monies. Huh?

Yes, Jackie.

That's right, yeah.

I knew I could
count on you, Ruby.

Fontaine!
Are you insane?

Rocco the Strangler
is out there.

If this blows up in our face,
Jackie, you're on your own.

I have a respectable man
in the community!

You're good. I know, okay?

I promise you, Butch,
I'll take care of it, okay?

- Don't worry, don't worry.
- Don't touch the suit!

You've got five minutes to get
out there and fix this, Jackie.

I'll do it in two
and a half minutes!

- Do it!
- Okay! Jesus.

Alright, what the hell?
I'll tell you what.

This is the kind of bullshit
that's going to get us...

What's I tell you about this?
Keep this full all the time.

- Yes, Jackie.
- Shit!

Listen to them out there.

I love you, you sh... bag.

Hey, everybody. I'm Marshall.

This is a song I just wrote
about someone I met.

♪ I know this girl ♪

♪ She's got that
hourglass figure ♪

♪ Yeah, I know this girl ♪

♪ Walks like a... ♪

Britney, I want you to know
that I am so proud of you.

You are the best thing
that ever happened to me...

and it doesn't matter
how pretty you are

or where you end up in life.

The woman you are inside
is all that matters.

Oh, mom.

♪ She's my pride and my joy ♪

Joe, Joe. It's Marvin,

Marvin your cousin.

You know that new sound
you was looking for?

We'll take a listen to this.

♪ She called out to me, yeah ♪

♪ She know I'd be running,
well, I'm stumped then ♪

What is this?
Movie of the week?

You little rat, can't you see
we're having a moment?

Why did you get that bag?
Give it to me!

Give it to me!

I think you better do it.

Give me that.
I'll save you, don't worry.

Oh, you fluffy purple
little perpetrator,

I knew you were up
to something.

You're never going
to get this.

Hey, what the fuck do you
think you're doing?

Morty, get him.

I think that purple
thing is a homosexual.

- Morty!
- Yeah?

where the hell is Nifty?

Oh, uh... Yeah, um...

The OTB got him.

What the?
The OTB got another one.

- I know, boss.
- Wait a minute.

What the hell is that
in your pocket?

Oh, this?

Nothing, just the...

- Morty!
- It's the OTB, boss.

It's got me. I'm sorry.

The OTB is back, baby!

No, Morty.

Please don't go.
Damn you, Fontaine!

♪ I've seen things
you'd never believe, ♪

Get out of the way...

Hey, guess what?
It's that moment now.

That we're going
to crown the the OTB...

Girls, contestants,
come out here now.

It's the moment
we've all been waiting for.

Gather round,
gather round.

Gather 'round all the way,
all the way.

Come closer,
closer, closer, yes.

Now you hold this
for me, okay?

Ladies and gentlemen,

we're going to now crown
the Miss... the Miss um...

OTB, uh...
is going to be, uh,

Sparkles!

Congratulations,
everybody!

Way to go, baby.

Sparkles, yes.

Oh, no,
I've got to save Jackie.

Stay back.

Don't want any excitement,
or anybody to get hurt.

Somebody better
give me that money.

Or I'm going to blow this
b......'s brains out.

Oh, Jackie took the wrong bag.

Oh, Marshall!

Britney,
sometimes a woman

has got to stand up for her man.

We need a weapon.

Britney! Britney!

You don't know
what you're doing.

Let her go!
It's going to be okay, honey.

Shut the fuck up, b......!

Listen, I know you.

I know this looks bad,
but this isn't you.

This is the OTB talking,
am I right?

Oh it...
I was doing so good.

Great, and then...

you got into this casino
with all the lights

and the sound,
and it brought you back.

You just got a little lost.

All the lights,
they said were so pretty.

You just got a little lost.

I don't, I don't...

Hey, who's dick do I have
to suck to get my dick sucked?

Not now, lazy

Billy.

Hello, lover.

Believe it or not,
I'm letting you go.

Even though I was the one who
was talking to the OTB people...

and I was the one
talking to the others...

pumping them...
and pumping you

for answers
to your true motives.

Still, I wouldn't want anyone
locking you up in a cage.

Why would I do that?
I can't have you.

We don't belong to each other,

people don't belong
to other people.

A free spirit.

A wild thing.

A tough guy like you,

all you need are garbage cans
and rats galore.

So scram, go.

Get out of here, go!

You're just chicken,
that's all.

You got no guts.

You're afraid someone is going
to lock you in that cage.

Well, baby,

you are already
in that cage

and it's a cage
you built yourself.

And your cage is in West Bank,

Tupelo, Texas
or east of Somaliland.

It's wherever you go,
because no matter where you go,

you always end up running
right back into yourself.

Well, kids, here we are.

Like I said in the beginning,
I worked my way backwards.

Well, now you know,
as much as I do.

Our greed,
narcissism, nepotism,

womanism took our little plan
down to its knees.

Oh, Uncle Jackie,

you can blame himself
for letting it blow up.

But the mastermind of deceit
was that little purple coated,

pubic hair Kitcity Katchity.

You see, I thought
it was free white, 21,

money in hand and my genitals
still in working order.

But the fat lady
ain't sung yet, you see,

I should have seen it coming.

That is what she said.

He did it again to me.

I messed myself good
when that little sock puppet

ambushed me
on the way to Mexico,

popping up in my back seat,

sticking his filthy gun
in my good hair.

He was never, ever going to
share any of anything with me.

Just like before,
I should have known!

All right, you little
fucking purple faggot,

zing pow wow this,
motherfucker!

No, not you!

Zing pow, bébé.

There go the neighborhood.

You know, I'm his mother.

You know... me and Mr. K,
didn't always see eye to eye.

But the morning that he died,
I went out and got him

a racing ticket one last time.

And you know what?

It's a winner.

So, he went out a winner.

I just lose sleep at night
thinking about my poor Jackie,

all alone in that prison cell.

No one to cuddle with,
no one to kiss his head...

applies creams,
he needs his creams.

Oh, Jackie
you got to, you got to,

you need your creams,
baby Jackie.

He needs his creams...

Well we're still trying
to get over it.

Oh yeah, absolutely.

People and the media,
of course,

have just tarnished our name.

We look so bad and we're just,
we're really trying

to work through it
and come out looking on,

better and on top.

I just can't believe
that happened.

That's... that's so awful.

It's not who we are.

Like, we're way
better than that.

- Exactly.
- We're really nice people.

So nice.
I don't understand.

I don't get it.

Sadly, Sparkles and I
broke up the next week.

I really hope it works
out for them.

May they burn in hell
for what they did.

And so I wrote
a book about it.

Revenge is sweet.

Yeah!

Christmas!

Jackie is like... chewing gum

on the bottom of your shoe.

You can never get rid of him.

The more you pull,
the more he sticks to you.

Jackie'll always make a comeback
and we'll be right there...

Yeah, we'll be there.

We'll be there
as long as we can.

You know, there's an old saying,
scared money never wins.

But I'd tell you,
stupid money...

is an entirely
different subject.

And these two wrote
the book on stupid.

You know, Kitchity Katchity...
Which camera are we on?

Fuck you,
and fuck you, Jackie.

Fuck all of you.

Thank you. Good afternoon.

My name is Detective Johnson.

I'm from the crime scene unit.

This is where we found
the vehicle,

a Lincoln Continental.

We believe there was a struggle
inside the car...

that caused the car to go
off the road and flip over.

Mr. Katchity
was thrown from the vehicle.

Mr. Fontaine,
found a trail of blood,

we believe crawled through

where the front window
would have been.

This was not unusual.

What was unusual...
was the impressions...

of a woman's high heel
stiletto footprints

all over where the body
would have been.

But when we found Mr. Fontaine,

we believe,
from the state he was in...

and obviously, the brutality
of this crime scene...

We believe Mr. Katchity, uh,

Mr. Fontaine killed...
and ate Mr. Katchity.

Suck my dick,
cocksucker!

You don't know
what you're doing to me, huh?

Take this one,
I'm taking this with me.

Son of b.......

Fuck you.

Monkey, if I have to show you
that one more time...

Jackie, how do you come up
with that stuff?

I've heard that
a million times.

More times, matter of fact,
'member the time

I was talking about
Betty and her gal?

You know,
when Betty'd come over

and she'd pop
something on her foot.

Murderer.

You killed Kitchity Katchity.

You killed Kitchity Katchity.

It's nobody.
You got something to say?

You killed Kitchity Katchity

and left him
in the desert to die.

Listen here, pal.

You better keep your mouth shut,
you understand?

You left wing fudge-packing...

You son of a b.......

What's happened to me?

What have I become?

Oh, my God.

Sorry, guys.

Oh, hey. Hey, hey, hey.

Zing pow wow.
Jackie Fontaine here. Hey.

Welcome to my new,
humble abode, okay?

We're downsizing, you know?
That's the best way to go.

That's what we, the corporate
people do it all the time.

I learned my lesson, okay?

We're downsizing
and and outsourcing

and all that stuff.

Matter of fact,
I got my very own

telemarketer man-boy
right here.

Julio, you're say,
hello, Julio?

- Hola.
- Hola.

I don't know if he said,

blow me a hello
or goodbye or whatever.

But you know,
I'm learning.

He's teaching me,
I'm teaching him, you know?

Hey, El Morocco.

Anyways, we're going
to be back in Vegas.

We're going to be everywhere.

Hey, you need to get that
out of there, okay?

Anyways, you know, um.

Would you put that paperweight
away too, Jesus Christ.

Anyways,
I tell you help nowadays.

You know, you can't buy help,
you can't get help.

I'll tell you what,
speaking of help...

Would you be quiet back there?

It's my moment.

I sure do miss my little pal,
Kitchity Katchity.

I'll tell you what,
that little guy,

he brought
so much joy to my life.

God rest his soul.

But, you know, he'd want us
to pick ourselves up

by our bootstraps
and continue on,

and that's what
we're going to do, okay?

All right. See you later.

Julio, let me show you
how it's, work.

We've got to start putting
this sh... back together, okay?

Okay, put the piñatas
in the place.

Oh, hey.

Zing pow wow.
Your old Uncle Jackie here.

You know, as long as I've been
in show business,

well, a night like this
is very difficult

because unfortunately,

this is Uncle Jackie's
last and final show.

I know, I know,
but don't worry.

Old Uncle Jackie'll
get by somehow, you know?

I'm like one of them
old dirty panties.

I mean pennies.

I'm going to show up somewhere.

You know it, but, you know,

before they pull the plug
on your Uncle Jackie here,

I want to share
something for you.

Okay? I got a letter from a fan

and this fan calls themselves
my number one fan,

and I believe 'em.

I'd like to read
this letter to you.

"Dear Jackie,
I'm just a small town kid

from one of those
crappy countries.

We don't get much like you
big shots out here in America...

but the goulash ain't bad.

But when I watched you on TV,

doing one of your live
from Las Vegas shows...

...it makes me feel
like I could be someone.

You inspired me to dream.

And I know this is your
very last show,

but could you sing
the Buster Guy theme song

one last time?

Signed, best regards
your biggest fan."

Why couldn't
all of you out there

take a lesson
from that true fan?

Well, I'll tell you what,
number one fan.

It's been a while,
I'm going to do my best.

Yeah, could you put
the cue card up there?

Good. Okay, here we go.

♪ Who's that cat
roughing up that chum? ♪

♪ Who's that dick
beating down the pimp? ♪

♪ Who's the dude
kicking' ass on the fly? ♪

♪ Watch out! ♪

♪ It's Buster Guy! ♪

♪ Buster Guy! ♪

♪ Private eye! ♪

♪ He's that cat in disguise,
Buster Guy ♪

♪ Private eye! ♪

♪ Buster Guy, private eye ♪

♪ Mess them up
then say bye-bye ♪

♪ Buster Guy, private eye ♪

♪ He's the cat
and he'll kill ya high ♪

♪ Watch out! ♪

♪ Bang bang ♪

♪ It's Buster Guy! ♪

Ha! Oh, get over here.

- Yes.
- Yes.

- You know, I was thinking.
- Were you?

Well, yeah, I guess,
I guess I was too.

The whole thing
was just stupid.

Yeah, it was.

- Beneath us, really.
- Yeah, it was.

We've had a lot of things
beneath us, huh?

Just dumb.

Yeah, it was pretty, uh,
pretty dumb.

- Stupid.
- Yeah.