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1
00:03:12,150 --> 00:03:13,525
That was beautiful--
2
00:03:28,416 --> 00:03:30,250
Take it, Russ.
3
00:03:32,754 --> 00:03:35,422
Dad, can you explain again
what we're doing?
4
00:03:35,590 --> 00:03:39,259
Sure, Russ. We're kicking off our fun,
old-fashioned family Christmas...
5
00:03:39,427 --> 00:03:42,971
...by heading out into the country
in the old front-wheel drive sleigh...
6
00:03:43,139 --> 00:03:45,641
...to embrace the majesty
of the winter landscape...
7
00:03:45,808 --> 00:03:48,936
...and select that most important
of Christmas symbols.
8
00:03:49,103 --> 00:03:53,106
We're not driving all the way here so
you can get one of those stupid ties...
9
00:03:53,274 --> 00:03:57,444
- ...with the Santa Clauses on it, are we?
- No, I have one of those at home.
10
00:03:57,612 --> 00:04:01,114
What we're looking for today
is the Griswold family Christmas tree.
11
00:04:01,115 --> 00:04:02,199
What we're looking for today
is the Griswold family Christmas tree.
12
00:04:11,751 --> 00:04:14,795
- What's the matter?
- Some jackass is riding my tail.
13
00:04:17,548 --> 00:04:20,175
Slow down and let him pass.
14
00:04:31,521 --> 00:04:34,398
Clark! Don't provoke them.
15
00:04:35,483 --> 00:04:36,900
Hey, kids, look a deer.
16
00:04:57,005 --> 00:05:00,007
Clark, slow down!
17
00:05:00,174 --> 00:05:02,676
You wanna ride behind somebody
who does that?
18
00:05:02,844 --> 00:05:05,178
I'll pull around them
and leave them behind us.
19
00:05:05,346 --> 00:05:09,057
Burn some dust here. Eat my rubber.
20
00:05:09,225 --> 00:05:13,186
Dad, I think what you mean is,
"Burn rubber," and, "Eat my dust."
21
00:05:13,354 --> 00:05:15,022
Whatever, Russ. Whatever.
22
00:05:20,236 --> 00:05:23,238
Eat my road grit, liver lips!
23
00:05:26,367 --> 00:05:28,243
Okay. That's enough of that.
24
00:05:33,333 --> 00:05:35,876
Speaking of trees, kids,
can one of you tell me...
25
00:05:36,044 --> 00:05:38,628
...what the first tree displayed
at the White House was?
26
00:05:38,796 --> 00:05:40,964
Dad, they're back.
27
00:05:45,053 --> 00:05:49,056
Clark, stop it!
I don't want to spend the holidays dead.
28
00:05:49,349 --> 00:05:52,601
Honey, please! I'll do the driving, okay?
29
00:05:52,852 --> 00:05:56,063
Will you just take it easy, Ellen?
I'm in complete control.
30
00:05:57,648 --> 00:05:59,066
I'll get around this egg timer.
31
00:06:04,030 --> 00:06:05,572
Dad. Dad.
32
00:06:16,459 --> 00:06:20,504
- Thank God, we're all right!
- Clark, we're stuck under a truck!
33
00:06:20,713 --> 00:06:24,424
- Do you think I don't know that?
- Come on, guys, don't fight.
34
00:06:24,592 --> 00:06:27,010
For chrissake,
I didn't do this on purpose!
35
00:06:30,681 --> 00:06:35,018
Our Father, who art in heaven,
hallowed be thy name.
36
00:06:35,186 --> 00:06:38,105
And forgive my husband.
He knows not what he does.
37
00:06:38,272 --> 00:06:39,940
Amen!
38
00:06:41,651 --> 00:06:44,361
- Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
- Oops!
39
00:06:57,959 --> 00:07:00,001
Made pretty good time.
40
00:07:06,259 --> 00:07:10,387
Dad, didn't they invent tree
lots so people wouldn't have to drive...
41
00:07:10,555 --> 00:07:13,598
...all the way out to nowhere
and waste a whole Saturday?
42
00:07:13,766 --> 00:07:15,851
They made them
because people forgot...
43
00:07:16,018 --> 00:07:17,978
...how to have
an old-fashioned Christmas...
44
00:07:18,146 --> 00:07:20,564
...and are satisfied with scrawny,
overpriced trees...
45
00:07:20,731 --> 00:07:23,442
- ...that have no special meaning.
- My toes are numb.
46
00:07:23,609 --> 00:07:27,529
- This is what our forefathers did.
- I can't feel my leg.
47
00:07:27,697 --> 00:07:31,450
They walked out into the woods,
picked it and cut it with their hands.
48
00:07:31,617 --> 00:07:34,411
- Mom, I can't feel my hips.
- Clark.
49
00:07:34,579 --> 00:07:37,497
- Yes, honey?
- Audrey's frozen from the waist.
50
00:07:37,665 --> 00:07:40,167
That's all part of the experience, honey.
51
00:07:42,044 --> 00:07:43,503
There it is.
52
00:08:02,231 --> 00:08:05,275
The Griswold family Christmas tree.
53
00:08:10,990 --> 00:08:14,493
- Isn't it a little big?
- It's not big, it's just full.
54
00:08:14,494 --> 00:08:15,785
- Isn't it a little big?
- It's not big, it's just full.
55
00:08:15,953 --> 00:08:19,456
- Dad, that thing wouldn't fit in our yard.
- It's not going in our yard, Russ.
56
00:08:19,457 --> 00:08:20,957
- Dad, that thing wouldn't fit in our yard.
- It's not going in our yard, Russ.
57
00:08:21,125 --> 00:08:23,585
It's going in our living room.
58
00:08:27,965 --> 00:08:30,884
- Look at it.
- It really is beautiful, Clark.
59
00:08:31,052 --> 00:08:33,553
- It's something else, huh, Russ?
- Yeah, Dad.
60
00:08:33,721 --> 00:08:36,389
- Isn't it a beaut, Audrey?
- She'll see it later, hon.
61
00:08:36,933 --> 00:08:39,017
Her eyes are frozen.
62
00:08:39,185 --> 00:08:42,771
Most enduring traditions of the season
are best enjoyed in the warm embrace...
63
00:08:42,939 --> 00:08:45,106
...of kith and kin.
64
00:08:46,442 --> 00:08:49,444
This tree is the symbol of the spirit
of the Griswold Christmas.
65
00:08:51,239 --> 00:08:53,406
Dad, did you bring a saw?
66
00:09:39,036 --> 00:09:42,497
Looks like the toad overestimated
the height of his living room ceiling.
67
00:09:54,302 --> 00:09:58,638
Hey, Griswold. Where do you think
you're gonna put a tree that big?
68
00:10:00,057 --> 00:10:02,183
Bend over and I'll show you.
69
00:10:02,852 --> 00:10:05,228
You've got a lot of nerve
talking to me like that.
70
00:10:05,396 --> 00:10:08,064
I wasn't talking to you.
71
00:10:21,871 --> 00:10:26,082
Clark, do you think there's enough room
for the angel?
72
00:10:26,959 --> 00:10:30,003
Oh, sure, honey. I have
a little more trimming to do...
73
00:10:30,171 --> 00:10:32,589
...but that won't be a problem.
Ready?
74
00:10:33,007 --> 00:10:36,384
I give you
the Griswold family Christmas tree.
75
00:10:44,560 --> 00:10:46,144
There's a lot of sap in here.
76
00:10:48,439 --> 00:10:51,066
It looks great. A little full. A lot of sap.
77
00:11:13,381 --> 00:11:16,883
- Did I tell you I talked to my mother?
- And?
78
00:11:17,051 --> 00:11:20,553
They've decided they're coming
for Christmas too.
79
00:11:20,971 --> 00:11:24,474
- It's not too late to change our plans.
- No, no, that's great. That's great.
80
00:11:24,475 --> 00:11:25,725
- It's not too late to change our plans.
- No, no, that's great. That's great.
81
00:11:26,602 --> 00:11:28,812
You're forgetting how difficult
it's gonna be...
82
00:11:28,979 --> 00:11:30,980
...having everybody in the house.
83
00:11:31,148 --> 00:11:33,983
Honey, they're family.
They're not strangers off the street.
84
00:11:34,151 --> 00:11:36,361
All they do is argue.
85
00:11:36,529 --> 00:11:38,613
Christmas is about
resolving differences...
86
00:11:38,781 --> 00:11:41,032
...and seeing through the problems
of family life.
87
00:11:41,200 --> 00:11:45,578
Yeah. And about my mother accusing
your mother of buying cheap hot dogs.
88
00:11:45,746 --> 00:11:49,749
And your mother accusing my mother
of waxing her upper lip.
89
00:11:49,917 --> 00:11:53,378
- Then they don't speak to each other--
- Your mother waxes her upper lip?
90
00:11:53,546 --> 00:11:57,757
- She has for years.
- It doesn't show.
91
00:11:57,925 --> 00:12:00,927
- I don't know, Sparky. I have a feeling--
- Ellen.
92
00:12:01,095 --> 00:12:03,763
I want to have Christmas
here in our house.
93
00:12:03,931 --> 00:12:08,184
It means a lot to me. All my life I've
wanted to have a big family Christmas.
94
00:12:08,352 --> 00:12:10,228
I know.
95
00:12:12,356 --> 00:12:16,651
It's just that I know how you build
things up in your mind, Sparky.
96
00:12:17,486 --> 00:12:20,989
You set standards that no family event
can ever live up to.
97
00:12:20,990 --> 00:12:22,031
You set standards that no family event
can ever live up to.
98
00:12:22,408 --> 00:12:24,617
When have I ever done that?
99
00:12:27,621 --> 00:12:31,124
- Parties. Weddings. Anniversaries.
- Good night, honey.
100
00:12:31,125 --> 00:12:34,043
- Parties. Weddings. Anniversaries.
- Good night, honey.
101
00:12:34,211 --> 00:12:38,339
- Funerals. Holidays.
- Oh, great.
102
00:12:38,507 --> 00:12:41,509
Vacations. Graduations.
103
00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:07,118
You should be looking at
a fat Christmas bonus this year, huh?
104
00:13:07,286 --> 00:13:11,039
Word is you're an excellent choice to be
named Additive Designer of the Year.
105
00:13:11,207 --> 00:13:13,833
- Nah.
- I'm not kidding.
106
00:13:14,001 --> 00:13:16,169
What's that new thing you got
at Food and Drug?
107
00:13:16,337 --> 00:13:20,048
Oh, the crunch enhancer?
Yeah, it's a non-nutritive cereal varnish.
108
00:13:20,216 --> 00:13:23,218
It's semipermeable, not osmatic.
It coats and seals the flake...
109
00:13:23,385 --> 00:13:25,845
- ...prevents the milk from penetrating it.
- Yeah.
110
00:13:26,013 --> 00:13:28,348
- It's a beautiful product.
- I like it, yeah.
111
00:13:28,516 --> 00:13:30,850
The question is,
what will you do with that bonus?
112
00:13:31,018 --> 00:13:34,395
- Gonna blow it on yourself, I hope.
- Me? Heck, no.
113
00:13:34,814 --> 00:13:36,564
Take a look at this.
114
00:13:40,986 --> 00:13:43,029
I hope my Christmas bonus check
will cover it.
115
00:13:43,197 --> 00:13:46,366
Oh, my God, you're putting in a pool.
116
00:13:55,876 --> 00:13:59,170
I went ahead and I put a $7500
deposit down on it.
117
00:13:59,338 --> 00:14:01,256
You're the last true family man.
118
00:14:03,175 --> 00:14:06,719
- Mark.
- Clark.
119
00:14:07,763 --> 00:14:09,180
That's Bill, sir.
120
00:14:09,348 --> 00:14:12,058
Were you working on that
non-nutritive cereal varnish?
121
00:14:12,518 --> 00:14:15,228
- Yes, sir.
- I gotta give a speech to a trade group.
122
00:14:15,396 --> 00:14:18,898
I'd like to mention it. Write a summary
and have it to me by the end of the day.
123
00:14:18,899 --> 00:14:20,024
I'd like to mention it. Write a summary
and have it to me by the end of the day.
124
00:14:20,192 --> 00:14:21,985
- My pleasure.
- Layman's terms.
125
00:14:22,152 --> 00:14:24,821
None of that inside bullshit jargon
nobody understands.
126
00:14:25,990 --> 00:14:27,657
Yes, sir.
127
00:14:30,494 --> 00:14:33,913
Oh, Mr. Shirley. We got
your Christmas card the other day...
128
00:14:34,081 --> 00:14:37,125
...and my family and I are very flattered
that you remembered us.
129
00:14:38,419 --> 00:14:40,461
Corporate cards.
130
00:14:44,008 --> 00:14:47,302
- Don't forget that report, Bill.
- Yes, sir. Thank you. Merry Christmas.
131
00:14:47,469 --> 00:14:49,762
Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
132
00:14:49,930 --> 00:14:53,433
Kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass.
Happy Hanukkah.
133
00:14:53,434 --> 00:14:55,310
Kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass.
Happy Hanukkah.
134
00:15:20,961 --> 00:15:23,421
Can I show you something?
135
00:15:29,803 --> 00:15:33,306
I was just smelling-- Smiling.
I was just blouse-- Browsing.
136
00:15:33,307 --> 00:15:35,308
I was just smelling-- Smiling.
I was just blouse-- Browsing.
137
00:15:36,477 --> 00:15:39,312
For your wife or your girlfriend?
138
00:15:40,648 --> 00:15:43,107
What? What happened?
139
00:15:48,948 --> 00:15:51,491
I guess it wouldn't be any--
140
00:15:52,493 --> 00:15:55,662
Wouldn't be the Christmas shopping
season if stores were less hooter--
141
00:15:55,829 --> 00:15:58,164
Hotter than they are.
142
00:15:58,999 --> 00:16:00,959
- It is warm in here.
- You have your coat on.
143
00:16:01,126 --> 00:16:03,920
- Yes. Oh, do I? How did that happen?
- Because it's cold out.
144
00:16:04,421 --> 00:16:08,633
Yes. Yes. It is. It's a bit nipply out.
I mean, nippy out.
145
00:16:10,010 --> 00:16:12,428
What did I say, nipple?
146
00:16:12,680 --> 00:16:16,683
- There is a nip in the air though.
- Can I take something out for you?
147
00:16:26,485 --> 00:16:29,988
I was just.... I was just looking
at something for my wife.
148
00:16:29,989 --> 00:16:31,197
I was just.... I was just looking
at something for my wife.
149
00:16:31,365 --> 00:16:34,367
- God rest her soul.
- Oh, God, I'm so sorry.
150
00:16:34,618 --> 00:16:38,121
Oh, no, no, she's not dead.
We're just divorced. She's history.
151
00:16:38,122 --> 00:16:40,289
Oh, no, no, she's not dead.
We're just divorced. She's history.
152
00:16:40,457 --> 00:16:44,293
Obviously she doesn't wear underwear.
There are plenty of shopping days left...
153
00:16:44,461 --> 00:16:47,964
...until adultery-- Adulthood.
Which is to say Christmas, as in Yule.
154
00:16:47,965 --> 00:16:49,132
...until adultery-- Adulthood.
Which is to say Christmas, as in Yule.
155
00:16:49,299 --> 00:16:52,802
Yule log. Not a log, I don't have a log.
But, I mean, you know, if I had a log...
156
00:16:52,803 --> 00:16:54,137
Yule log. Not a log, I don't have a log.
But, I mean, you know, if I had a log...
157
00:16:54,304 --> 00:16:57,807
...not in the sense that you think
I said I did. Good golly.
158
00:16:57,808 --> 00:16:59,559
...not in the sense that you think
I said I did. Good golly.
159
00:17:00,561 --> 00:17:02,562
'Tis the season to be merry.
160
00:17:02,730 --> 00:17:05,106
- Well, that's my name.
- No shit.
161
00:17:13,615 --> 00:17:17,118
What do these do? Do they clip on here?
Down there?
162
00:17:17,119 --> 00:17:18,327
What do these do? Do they clip on here?
Down there?
163
00:17:18,495 --> 00:17:20,913
- Would you like this one?
- Sure.
164
00:17:21,206 --> 00:17:24,959
These are cut really high on the hip.
Look, I'm wearing something similar.
165
00:17:25,127 --> 00:17:27,003
See? You can't see the line.
166
00:17:27,171 --> 00:17:29,672
- You can't see the line, can you, Russ?
- No.
167
00:17:29,840 --> 00:17:31,591
No.
168
00:17:33,093 --> 00:17:36,679
That's a present
from a very dear friend of mine.
169
00:17:37,556 --> 00:17:41,434
Look, Daddy, teacher says
every time a bell rings...
170
00:17:41,602 --> 00:17:44,103
...an angel gets his wings.
171
00:18:00,704 --> 00:18:03,664
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
172
00:18:17,805 --> 00:18:20,848
Folks! Folks! Folks! Merry Christmas.
173
00:18:23,310 --> 00:18:27,355
- Hey! How you doing, son?
- Fine.
174
00:18:27,648 --> 00:18:31,025
There he is! Oh, my boy.
175
00:18:31,193 --> 00:18:34,987
- Look at how big you've gotten.
- Merry Christmas.
176
00:18:35,405 --> 00:18:36,989
- Mom.
- Sweetheart.
177
00:18:37,157 --> 00:18:41,327
Oh, knock on the door.
Lift up the ladder.
178
00:18:41,495 --> 00:18:43,788
- Listen. Doesn't Nora look old?
- You promised.
179
00:18:43,956 --> 00:18:47,166
- Of course I do.
- They took a pint of fluid from my back.
180
00:18:47,417 --> 00:18:49,544
Do you see this mole?
This mole on my neck?
181
00:18:49,711 --> 00:18:51,212
- Think it's changing color?
- No.
182
00:18:51,380 --> 00:18:55,550
- You keep touching it, it gets redder.
- I got hemorrhoids. Can you believe that?
183
00:18:55,717 --> 00:18:57,760
- Oh, Mother.
- Isn't that terrible?
184
00:18:57,928 --> 00:19:00,429
- You're not getting the garage space.
- After what you--
185
00:19:00,597 --> 00:19:02,473
I'm doing the parking.
Russ, want to help?
186
00:19:02,683 --> 00:19:05,685
Mom, they're not sleeping in my room.
I'm gonna go crazy, Mom.
187
00:19:05,894 --> 00:19:09,188
Sweetheart. Your grandma's
got a real painful burr on my heel.
188
00:19:09,356 --> 00:19:11,691
If you rub it for me,
I'll give you a whole quarter.
189
00:19:11,859 --> 00:19:14,610
- A quarter. A quarter.
- I'll give Audrey a quarter too.
190
00:19:14,778 --> 00:19:18,156
- I'm gonna put my car in the garage!
- He damaged my car, you believe that?
191
00:19:18,323 --> 00:19:19,407
I'll park the cars.
192
00:19:20,742 --> 00:19:23,494
This is what Christmas is all about.
193
00:19:23,954 --> 00:19:27,623
I'll park the cars
and check the luggage...
194
00:19:27,791 --> 00:19:31,210
...and yeah,
I'll be outside for the season.
195
00:19:34,464 --> 00:19:36,841
We're gonna have the best-looking house
in town.
196
00:19:37,009 --> 00:19:40,511
- I've always wanted to do this.
- That's a lot of lights, Dad.
197
00:19:40,679 --> 00:19:43,598
I'm sure it's a lot of work too,
but if I'm out in the cold...
198
00:19:43,765 --> 00:19:46,934
...and I'm committed to decorating
the house, I'm gonna do it right...
199
00:19:47,102 --> 00:19:49,562
...and I'm gonna do it big.
200
00:19:49,813 --> 00:19:52,440
You want something
you can be proud of, don't you?
201
00:19:52,608 --> 00:19:55,234
- Yeah, I guess so.
- Sure you do.
202
00:19:56,278 --> 00:19:59,780
- You think you might be overdoing it?
- When did I last overdo anything?
203
00:19:59,781 --> 00:20:02,241
- You think you might be overdoing it?
- When did I last overdo anything?
204
00:20:05,370 --> 00:20:06,412
Come on, unravel these.
205
00:20:08,624 --> 00:20:12,251
You have to check every bulb.
Got a little knot here. You work on that.
206
00:20:15,214 --> 00:20:17,340
I'll get the other box.
207
00:20:30,103 --> 00:20:32,772
- I hope he falls and breaks his neck.
- I'm sure he'll fall.
208
00:20:32,940 --> 00:20:35,775
I don't think we're lucky enough
to have him break his neck.
209
00:20:39,112 --> 00:20:40,988
Let's go.
210
00:21:07,849 --> 00:21:11,352
These winds appear
to be playing havoc with that giant float.
211
00:21:11,353 --> 00:21:12,645
These winds appear
to be playing havoc with that giant float.
212
00:21:12,813 --> 00:21:15,940
At this point I can't even see the nuts.
They must have blown away.
213
00:21:17,359 --> 00:21:21,320
But nothing is going to dampen the spirit
of this holiday crowd, I can tell you that.
214
00:21:21,488 --> 00:21:25,741
Oh, here they are. Here come the nuts.
These look like giant nuts to me.
215
00:21:25,909 --> 00:21:29,453
Yeah, I'm reminded of a couple years
ago, the winds were so high here...
216
00:21:29,621 --> 00:21:32,039
...we almost lost Santa's reindeer.
217
00:21:32,207 --> 00:21:35,710
Rudolph's red nose took out a third floor
window at Marshall Field's.
218
00:21:35,711 --> 00:21:37,044
Rudolph's red nose took out a third floor
window at Marshall Field's.
219
00:21:37,212 --> 00:21:41,382
They better keep their eyes out
on their nuts before someone gets hurt.
220
00:22:41,151 --> 00:22:44,445
Would it be indecent to ask
the grandparents to stay at a hotel?
221
00:22:44,613 --> 00:22:46,072
Audrey.
222
00:22:46,239 --> 00:22:48,949
Well, can we at least forbid them
to answer the phone?
223
00:22:49,117 --> 00:22:53,037
Alex called this morning. Grandpa Clark
told him I couldn't come to the phone...
224
00:22:53,205 --> 00:22:57,541
- ...because I was going to the bathroom.
- We're all making sacrifices, Audrey.
225
00:22:57,709 --> 00:22:59,877
Everybody? Do you sleep
with your brother?
226
00:23:00,045 --> 00:23:02,463
Do you know how sick and twisted
that is, Mom?
227
00:23:02,756 --> 00:23:07,009
Well, I'm sleeping with your father.
Don't be so dramatic.
228
00:23:07,594 --> 00:23:09,845
I have nightmares about
what he does in his bed...
229
00:23:10,013 --> 00:23:11,889
...when I'm not lying right next to him.
230
00:23:12,099 --> 00:23:15,601
Well, I don't know what to say except
it's Christmas and we're all in misery.
231
00:23:15,602 --> 00:23:18,187
Well, I don't know what to say except
it's Christmas and we're all in misery.
232
00:23:18,605 --> 00:23:21,816
Ellen, are you smoking again?
233
00:23:21,983 --> 00:23:24,360
No!
234
00:23:31,159 --> 00:23:32,451
Ow!
235
00:23:34,621 --> 00:23:36,997
Hey, Dad, where do you want
these reindeer?
236
00:23:37,416 --> 00:23:40,084
Just put them down there on the lawn,
Russ.
237
00:23:41,962 --> 00:23:43,796
I can't find the Santa Claus.
238
00:23:45,215 --> 00:23:48,843
It's in the basement. We'll get it later.
239
00:24:44,024 --> 00:24:47,526
- Clark. Dinner's ready.
- Okay, honey. I'm starving.
240
00:24:47,527 --> 00:24:50,112
- Clark. Dinner's ready.
- Okay, honey. I'm starving.
241
00:25:08,590 --> 00:25:10,758
Obviously something
had to break the window!
242
00:25:10,926 --> 00:25:13,886
Something had to hit the stereo!
243
00:25:22,729 --> 00:25:26,232
- And why is the carpet all wet, Todd?
- I don't know, Margo.
244
00:25:26,233 --> 00:25:28,734
- And why is the carpet all wet, Todd?
- I don't know, Margo.
245
00:25:35,951 --> 00:25:38,953
You want to hurry this up?
I'm freezing my baguettes off.
246
00:25:39,120 --> 00:25:41,664
Two hundred and fifty strands
of light...
247
00:25:41,831 --> 00:25:43,749
...100 individual bulbs per strand...
248
00:25:43,917 --> 00:25:47,503
...for a grand total of 25,000
imported Italian twinkle lights.
249
00:25:49,923 --> 00:25:53,008
- Twenty-five thousand.
- I hope nobody I know drives by...
250
00:25:53,176 --> 00:25:57,054
...and sees me standing in the yard,
staring at the house in my pajamas.
251
00:25:57,222 --> 00:25:59,932
If they know your dad,
they won't think anything of it.
252
00:26:00,433 --> 00:26:01,934
Fire it up, Dad!
253
00:26:03,103 --> 00:26:07,606
I dedicate this house
to the Griswold family Christmas.
254
00:26:07,857 --> 00:26:09,441
Aw...
255
00:26:10,569 --> 00:26:12,570
Drum roll, please.
256
00:26:14,614 --> 00:26:17,491
- Drum roll.
- Oh, uh....
257
00:26:48,398 --> 00:26:49,898
Beautiful, Clark.
258
00:26:50,233 --> 00:26:52,860
Talk about pissing your money away.
259
00:26:53,820 --> 00:26:58,240
I hope you kids see
what a silly waste of resources this was.
260
00:26:58,408 --> 00:27:02,494
- He worked really hard, Grandma.
- So do washing machines.
261
00:27:07,542 --> 00:27:09,710
Let's get in where it's warm.
262
00:27:09,878 --> 00:27:13,380
Clark, baby, I can picture it in my mind.
And it's breathtaking.
263
00:27:13,381 --> 00:27:15,674
Clark, baby, I can picture it in my mind.
And it's breathtaking.
264
00:27:18,011 --> 00:27:21,430
- Thanks, Mom.
- It's probably a bad bulb, son.
265
00:27:21,598 --> 00:27:24,850
You know, if one goes out,
the whole thing doesn't work.
266
00:27:25,018 --> 00:27:28,354
Now, if I were you
I'd personally check each one.
267
00:27:28,521 --> 00:27:31,523
- I did that, Dad. I can't--
- Now, look, if you need any help...
268
00:27:31,691 --> 00:27:36,028
- ...give me a holler. I'll be asleep.
- Thanks.
269
00:27:36,196 --> 00:27:39,698
Sorry, Daddy. It looks good
even if they're not lit.
270
00:27:39,699 --> 00:27:41,492
Sorry, Daddy. It looks good
even if they're not lit.
271
00:27:42,243 --> 00:27:43,577
Thank you, sweetheart.
272
00:27:50,251 --> 00:27:53,754
- Well, Dad, it was a good try.
- Thanks, Russ.
273
00:27:53,755 --> 00:27:55,089
- Well, Dad, it was a good try.
- Thanks, Russ.
274
00:27:55,256 --> 00:27:57,049
- Russ.
- Yeah?
275
00:27:57,217 --> 00:28:00,719
- We checked every bulb, didn't we?
- Oh, yeah. Yeah. I'm sure of it.
276
00:28:00,720 --> 00:28:03,222
- We checked every bulb, didn't we?
- Oh, yeah. Yeah. I'm sure of it.
277
00:28:03,890 --> 00:28:08,060
I thought so. Well, maybe
we ought to go up there and just get--
278
00:28:08,228 --> 00:28:12,439
Jeez! Look at the time.
I gotta get to bed.
279
00:28:12,607 --> 00:28:15,192
Brush my teeth. Feed the hog.
280
00:28:15,360 --> 00:28:19,655
I've still got some homework to do.
Do the laundry. Wash the car.
281
00:28:19,823 --> 00:28:22,574
I've still got those bills to pay....
282
00:28:22,742 --> 00:28:27,246
Clark, don't stay up too late.
283
00:28:49,018 --> 00:28:52,604
Get off me, you little fungus.
284
00:30:52,559 --> 00:30:55,727
Where the hell is that cold coming from?
285
00:30:55,895 --> 00:30:59,648
Ooh.... Oh.
286
00:31:10,451 --> 00:31:12,411
Hey!
287
00:31:14,372 --> 00:31:16,039
Hey.
288
00:31:17,083 --> 00:31:18,125
Hello?
289
00:31:18,293 --> 00:31:20,961
- I need to get a few more--
- Pay by check.
290
00:31:21,129 --> 00:31:25,507
- I will. Not a card?
- If they return it, it's a hassle....
291
00:31:25,675 --> 00:31:27,926
Russ!
292
00:31:31,764 --> 00:31:35,058
- Help!
- Daddy, is Clark coming?
293
00:31:35,226 --> 00:31:37,269
- How would I know?
- Is he in the house?
294
00:31:37,437 --> 00:31:40,272
If he isn't farting around
with his lights, he must be inside.
295
00:31:40,440 --> 00:31:43,191
I'm sure he wants to come shopping
and have lunch with us.
296
00:31:43,359 --> 00:31:46,862
He's got another car. He can drive.
I have to eat so I can take my back pills.
297
00:31:46,863 --> 00:31:49,281
He's got another car. He can drive.
I have to eat so I can take my back pills.
298
00:32:19,812 --> 00:32:22,564
Ellen! Hey! Ellen!
299
00:35:50,356 --> 00:35:53,859
I want to take off these clothes, sit
with a glass of wine and kiss your body.
300
00:35:53,860 --> 00:35:55,318
I want to take off these clothes, sit
with a glass of wine and kiss your body.
301
00:35:55,486 --> 00:35:57,737
- After you shower, of course.
- Of course.
302
00:36:14,422 --> 00:36:16,631
- Sparky?
- Yes, honey.
303
00:36:26,142 --> 00:36:29,728
Are you out here for a reason,
or are you just avoiding the family?
304
00:36:29,896 --> 00:36:33,440
No. I still have a couple hundred
more bulbs to check.
305
00:36:33,816 --> 00:36:37,903
In the meantime, I can light the Santa,
the deer and the Merry Christmas sign.
306
00:36:38,738 --> 00:36:41,698
That should look good. Ready?
307
00:36:41,866 --> 00:36:45,368
- You want me to do the drum roll thing?
- No, it's okay. Here goes nothing.
308
00:36:45,369 --> 00:36:47,078
- You want me to do the drum roll thing?
- No, it's okay. Here goes nothing.
309
00:36:53,252 --> 00:36:55,587
I don't understand it.
310
00:36:56,589 --> 00:37:00,133
The house lights don't work,
the flood lights don't work.
311
00:37:02,094 --> 00:37:03,762
Is it plugged in?
312
00:37:03,930 --> 00:37:06,598
Do you honestly think I would check
thousands of lights...
313
00:37:06,766 --> 00:37:09,017
...if the extension cord
wasn't plugged in?
314
00:37:11,771 --> 00:37:14,606
You used more than one cord,
didn't you?
315
00:37:16,651 --> 00:37:20,153
Maybe the kids have been fooling
around with it. I'll check in back.
316
00:37:20,154 --> 00:37:21,238
Maybe the kids have been fooling
around with it. I'll check in back.
317
00:37:41,467 --> 00:37:43,468
Clark!
318
00:37:44,262 --> 00:37:46,638
Todd! What's that light?!
319
00:37:47,848 --> 00:37:49,224
Clark!
320
00:37:50,142 --> 00:37:51,810
Honey, I think I know what's wrong.
321
00:38:08,369 --> 00:38:10,203
I can't see.
322
00:38:10,371 --> 00:38:13,164
No, no, no-- Oh, my God--
323
00:38:28,097 --> 00:38:30,515
This ought to do it.
324
00:38:42,695 --> 00:38:44,029
Ellen, I fixed it!
325
00:38:45,823 --> 00:38:47,699
- Oh, right!
- Oh, God!
326
00:38:47,867 --> 00:38:51,369
Everybody! Come out quick!
Look at the lights!
327
00:38:59,795 --> 00:39:02,630
- Get a towel.
- Okay!
328
00:39:05,384 --> 00:39:08,636
- Wait. I don't believe this!
- What's all the yelling about?
329
00:39:09,055 --> 00:39:12,557
What?! But--
What's going on here?
330
00:39:14,685 --> 00:39:16,811
Twenty-five thousand twinkle lights.
331
00:39:18,731 --> 00:39:21,816
- What's he doing, Clark?
- I haven't the foggiest.
332
00:39:21,984 --> 00:39:24,069
What?
333
00:39:24,236 --> 00:39:27,739
What the hell? What is wrong with this?
334
00:39:27,740 --> 00:39:28,907
What the hell? What is wrong with this?
335
00:39:30,409 --> 00:39:33,411
Damn it! Damn it!
336
00:39:36,457 --> 00:39:39,542
You goddamn light!
337
00:39:57,436 --> 00:39:58,770
Go! Go! Do it!
338
00:40:10,950 --> 00:40:13,284
Dad, it's beautiful!
339
00:40:28,884 --> 00:40:30,468
Oh, my carpet!
340
00:40:39,478 --> 00:40:42,981
- Oh, Clark, it's so lovely.
- Mom.
341
00:40:42,982 --> 00:40:44,482
- Oh, Clark, it's so lovely.
- Mom.
342
00:40:45,276 --> 00:40:49,612
You deserve a home like this
to spend Christmas in.
343
00:40:51,240 --> 00:40:54,742
- It's a beaut, Clark. It's a beaut.
- Dad, Dad, Dad.
344
00:40:54,743 --> 00:40:55,952
- It's a beaut, Clark. It's a beaut.
- Dad, Dad, Dad.
345
00:40:56,120 --> 00:40:58,913
You taught me everything
I know about exterior illumination.
346
00:40:59,081 --> 00:41:01,833
Thank you, thank you.
347
00:41:02,001 --> 00:41:04,961
Russ. Audrey.
348
00:41:07,673 --> 00:41:10,884
Dear, dear Francis.
349
00:41:12,845 --> 00:41:15,555
I hope this adds to your enjoyment
of the holidays.
350
00:41:15,723 --> 00:41:19,559
- It's just wonderful.
- Yeah.
351
00:41:20,436 --> 00:41:23,938
Arthur. Art.
352
00:41:25,191 --> 00:41:26,483
Dad.
353
00:41:26,650 --> 00:41:31,154
- Thanks for being here.
- The little lights are not twinkling.
354
00:41:31,322 --> 00:41:34,365
I know, Art, and thanks for noticing.
355
00:41:38,579 --> 00:41:40,705
The house sure does look swell, Clark.
356
00:41:41,081 --> 00:41:44,584
Thanks, Eddie. I hope it enhances
your holiday spirit. Dear Cathrine.
357
00:41:44,585 --> 00:41:47,045
Thanks, Eddie. I hope it enhances
your holiday spirit. Dear Cathrine.
358
00:41:47,379 --> 00:41:49,881
Eddie?
359
00:41:50,216 --> 00:41:53,718
- Oh, the house is gorgeous, Clark.
- Eddie?
360
00:41:53,719 --> 00:41:55,261
- Oh, the house is gorgeous, Clark.
- Eddie?
361
00:41:55,429 --> 00:41:58,723
I hope you didn't do this
all on our account, Clark.
362
00:41:58,891 --> 00:42:02,393
Kids, come on out here and see what
Uncle Clark's done to the house.
363
00:42:02,561 --> 00:42:04,062
Eddie?
364
00:42:11,070 --> 00:42:12,820
Eddie?
365
00:42:14,740 --> 00:42:18,785
Yeah. If you don't remember,
this here is Rocky.
366
00:42:19,161 --> 00:42:22,413
- You got a kiss for me?
- Better take a rain check on that.
367
00:42:22,581 --> 00:42:24,916
He's got a lip fungus
they ain't identified yet.
368
00:42:28,128 --> 00:42:32,298
- You remember Ruby Sue?
- Oh, yeah.
369
00:42:32,550 --> 00:42:34,425
Oh, my gosh!
370
00:42:36,303 --> 00:42:39,430
- Her eyes aren't crossed anymore.
- That's something, ain't it?
371
00:42:39,598 --> 00:42:41,224
Falls in a well, eyes go crossed.
372
00:42:41,392 --> 00:42:44,185
She gets kicked by a mule,
they go back to normal.
373
00:42:44,353 --> 00:42:45,895
I don't know.
374
00:42:48,941 --> 00:42:51,943
And this here's our pride and joy. Snots.
375
00:42:53,612 --> 00:42:54,696
Pretty name, Ed.
376
00:42:54,863 --> 00:42:57,782
We named him that
because he's got this sinus condition.
377
00:42:58,617 --> 00:43:01,953
Snots, you roll over and let
Uncle Clark scratch your belly.
378
00:43:04,123 --> 00:43:06,958
You ain't never seen a set on a dog
like this one's got, Clark.
379
00:43:07,126 --> 00:43:09,711
- Oh, Ed.
- That's okay, Eddie.
380
00:43:10,254 --> 00:43:12,839
That's something, ain't it?
You pet him...
381
00:43:13,007 --> 00:43:15,216
...and he'll love you till the day you die.
382
00:43:15,384 --> 00:43:18,303
I really shouldn't.
My hands are all chapped.
383
00:43:18,470 --> 00:43:22,390
We were gonna call, but Eddie
wanted to make it a surprise.
384
00:43:22,558 --> 00:43:26,311
- Yeah. You surprised?
- Surprised, Eddie?
385
00:43:26,478 --> 00:43:29,981
If I woke up with my head sewn to
the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised.
386
00:43:29,982 --> 00:43:31,149
If I woke up with my head sewn to
the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised.
387
00:43:33,485 --> 00:43:36,571
We have plenty of room.
388
00:43:37,489 --> 00:43:41,200
We have plenty of towels.
We have plenty of everything.
389
00:43:42,703 --> 00:43:47,165
We're pretty well set up here in the RV.
It's a little tight...
390
00:43:47,333 --> 00:43:50,877
- ...but we didn't come to impose.
- Hell, there's plenty of room.
391
00:43:51,045 --> 00:43:53,755
- Quit being so damn polite, Ed.
- Oh....
392
00:43:53,922 --> 00:43:57,634
Cathrine and I, we're pretty
comfy in there, you know.
393
00:43:57,801 --> 00:44:01,179
But maybe you wouldn't mind
the youngsters shacking up with you.
394
00:44:01,347 --> 00:44:04,849
After that long drive, we could
use a little private time together.
395
00:44:04,850 --> 00:44:06,601
After that long drive, we could
use a little private time together.
396
00:44:06,769 --> 00:44:08,645
Why don't you get the kids' things?
397
00:44:08,812 --> 00:44:11,606
Don't forget the rubber sheets
and gerbils.
398
00:44:11,774 --> 00:44:14,359
Come on. I wanna show you the home.
399
00:44:14,526 --> 00:44:17,528
Audrey, help me get some
hot chocolate. It's cold.
400
00:44:51,730 --> 00:44:55,942
That's a honey of a tree, Clark.
Is it real?
401
00:44:56,110 --> 00:44:58,820
Yeah. Yeah, I dug it out
of the ground myself.
402
00:44:58,987 --> 00:45:02,573
- Is that a fact?
- Hey, get out of there. Snots! Yo!
403
00:45:02,741 --> 00:45:06,119
Don't worry about it, Clark.
A little tree water ain't gonna hurt him.
404
00:45:06,286 --> 00:45:08,996
Before we left, he drank
a half a quart of Pennzoil.
405
00:45:09,164 --> 00:45:12,667
Boy, when he lifted his leg
the next morning....
406
00:45:12,668 --> 00:45:14,293
Boy, when he lifted his leg
the next morning....
407
00:45:14,461 --> 00:45:18,005
If he drinks the water, the tree's
gonna dry up. Come on, out of there.
408
00:45:18,173 --> 00:45:20,258
- Snots.
- Out, out, out.
409
00:45:20,426 --> 00:45:22,301
Get out of there.
Get in the kitchen now.
410
00:45:22,469 --> 00:45:25,638
Get in the kitchen there and get
you something to eat. Go on.
411
00:45:25,806 --> 00:45:29,308
He's cute, ain't he? Problem is, he's got
a bit of Mississippi leg hound in him.
412
00:45:29,309 --> 00:45:31,436
He's cute, ain't he? Problem is, he's got
a bit of Mississippi leg hound in him.
413
00:45:31,603 --> 00:45:35,106
If the mood catches him right, he'll
grab your leg and just go to town.
414
00:45:35,107 --> 00:45:36,607
If the mood catches him right, he'll
grab your leg and just go to town.
415
00:45:36,775 --> 00:45:40,278
Don't want him around if you're wearing
short pants, if you know what I mean.
416
00:45:40,279 --> 00:45:41,404
Don't want him around if you're wearing
short pants, if you know what I mean.
417
00:45:41,989 --> 00:45:45,491
A word of warning, though. If he lays
into you, it's best to just let him finish.
418
00:45:45,492 --> 00:45:47,952
A word of warning, though. If he lays
into you, it's best to just let him finish.
419
00:45:49,121 --> 00:45:53,416
I can't believe you're actually standing
here in my living room, Eddie.
420
00:45:53,584 --> 00:45:57,837
- Never thought the day would come.
- Yeah, I'm excited about it too.
421
00:45:58,005 --> 00:46:01,716
It's a crying shame
the older kids couldn't make it.
422
00:46:04,470 --> 00:46:08,765
I'll get that. Don't worry about it.
Let me get it.
423
00:46:11,185 --> 00:46:14,687
Yeah, I got the daughter in the clinic,
getting cured off the Wild Turkey.
424
00:46:14,688 --> 00:46:16,147
Yeah, I got the daughter in the clinic,
getting cured off the Wild Turkey.
425
00:46:16,315 --> 00:46:19,817
And the older boy, bless his soul,
is preparing for his career.
426
00:46:19,818 --> 00:46:20,860
And the older boy, bless his soul,
is preparing for his career.
427
00:46:21,028 --> 00:46:22,487
- College?
- Carnival.
428
00:46:23,781 --> 00:46:26,157
- You gotta be proud.
- Oh, yeah.
429
00:46:26,325 --> 00:46:30,411
Yeah, last season he was
a pixie-dust spreader on the Tilt-O-Whirl.
430
00:46:30,579 --> 00:46:32,330
He thinks maybe next year...
431
00:46:32,498 --> 00:46:35,750
...he'll be guessing people's weight
or barking for the Yak Woman.
432
00:46:37,961 --> 00:46:39,587
- You ever see her?
- No.
433
00:46:39,755 --> 00:46:43,257
She's got these big horns
growing right out above her ears.
434
00:46:43,425 --> 00:46:47,011
Yeah, she's ugly as sin, but a sweet gal.
And a hell of a good cook.
435
00:46:47,179 --> 00:46:49,722
Can I refill your eggnog?
Get you something to eat?
436
00:46:50,098 --> 00:46:52,350
Drive you out to nowhere
and leave you for dead?
437
00:46:52,518 --> 00:46:56,687
No, I'm doing just fine, Clark.
Just glad to be here.
438
00:46:56,855 --> 00:47:00,358
Yeah. So when did you get
the tenement on wheels?
439
00:47:00,359 --> 00:47:01,692
Yeah. So when did you get
the tenement on wheels?
440
00:47:01,860 --> 00:47:04,946
Oh, that there? That's an RV.
441
00:47:05,113 --> 00:47:09,200
Yeah, yeah. I borrowed it off a buddy
of mine. He took my house...
442
00:47:09,368 --> 00:47:13,621
...I took the RV.
It's a good-looking vehicle, ain't it?
443
00:47:13,789 --> 00:47:16,040
Yeah. Looks so nice parked
in the driveway.
444
00:47:16,208 --> 00:47:20,336
Yeah, it sure does. But don't
you go falling in love with it now.
445
00:47:20,504 --> 00:47:23,714
Because we're taking it with us
when we leave here next month.
446
00:47:33,308 --> 00:47:36,727
Well, get Ed Leftic up here
to look over these figures.
447
00:47:36,895 --> 00:47:39,438
Oh, retooling. That's a great excuse.
448
00:47:41,066 --> 00:47:44,735
Retooling?! I'll retool you!
449
00:47:46,446 --> 00:47:49,991
- Mr. Shirley, merry Christmas.
- Who's that?
450
00:47:50,993 --> 00:47:53,411
- It's me, Clark Griswold.
- What do you want?
451
00:47:55,414 --> 00:47:59,667
My wife and I came up with a little
something special. It's a gift.
452
00:48:00,836 --> 00:48:04,422
Put it over there with the others,
greaseball.
453
00:48:12,097 --> 00:48:13,848
Oh.
454
00:48:14,016 --> 00:48:18,477
By the way, I hope my report
helped out at the trade show.
455
00:48:23,442 --> 00:48:26,068
I'm sure it did, Grisball.
456
00:48:26,236 --> 00:48:29,947
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm in the middle of an important call.
457
00:48:30,449 --> 00:48:33,659
Get me somebody. Anybody.
458
00:48:34,828 --> 00:48:36,329
And get me somebody while I wait.
459
00:48:49,551 --> 00:48:53,054
This is a new silicon-based kitchen
lubricant my company's working on.
460
00:48:53,055 --> 00:48:54,931
This is a new silicon-based kitchen
lubricant my company's working on.
461
00:48:55,098 --> 00:48:58,851
It creates a surface 500 times
more slippery than any cooking oil.
462
00:48:59,019 --> 00:49:01,354
We're gonna fly down
the hill with this stuff.
463
00:49:01,772 --> 00:49:05,191
- Has anyone ever used it on a sled?
- Not that I know of, Russ.
464
00:49:07,986 --> 00:49:11,322
Well, don't go putting
none of that stuff on my sled, Clark.
465
00:49:11,490 --> 00:49:14,617
- You know that metal plate in my head?
- How could I forget?
466
00:49:14,785 --> 00:49:18,579
I had to have it replaced because every
time Cathrine revved up the microwave...
467
00:49:18,747 --> 00:49:21,832
...I'd piss my pants and forget
who I was for a half-hour or so.
468
00:49:22,000 --> 00:49:25,503
Over at the V.A. they replaced it with
a plastic one and it ain't as strong, so....
469
00:49:25,504 --> 00:49:27,421
Over at the V.A. they replaced it with
a plastic one and it ain't as strong, so....
470
00:49:27,589 --> 00:49:30,841
I don't know if I ought to go down
no hill with nothing between...
471
00:49:31,009 --> 00:49:34,178
...the ground and my brain
but a piece of government plastic.
472
00:49:36,014 --> 00:49:39,517
- You really think it matters, Eddie?
- The plate runs underneath my part here.
473
00:49:39,518 --> 00:49:42,186
- You really think it matters, Eddie?
- The plate runs underneath my part here.
474
00:49:42,813 --> 00:49:45,189
Over here it's, you know, nothing.
475
00:49:45,357 --> 00:49:48,859
But here, if this gets dented,
then my hair just ain't gonna look right.
476
00:49:48,860 --> 00:49:50,194
But here, if this gets dented,
then my hair just ain't gonna look right.
477
00:49:52,906 --> 00:49:56,409
Yeah, I know the feeling.
I better try this first, see how it works.
478
00:49:56,410 --> 00:49:58,035
Yeah, I know the feeling.
I better try this first, see how it works.
479
00:49:58,203 --> 00:50:01,414
- You be careful there.
- There's nothing to worry about.
480
00:50:02,290 --> 00:50:06,585
Going for a new amateur recreational
saucer-sled land-speed record:
481
00:50:07,004 --> 00:50:09,547
Clark W. Griswold Jr.!
482
00:50:10,173 --> 00:50:14,593
Remember, don't try this at home, kids.
I am a professional.
483
00:50:16,596 --> 00:50:20,099
Later, dudes. Let her rip. Hang 10.
484
00:50:20,100 --> 00:50:21,434
Later, dudes. Let her rip. Hang 10.
485
00:50:22,394 --> 00:50:24,895
Oh, shit!
486
00:50:26,565 --> 00:50:27,732
Oh....
487
00:50:35,407 --> 00:50:36,991
Hey! Hey! Hey! Ah!
488
00:50:37,868 --> 00:50:41,078
This is great! It's great! It's great!
I'm dead!
489
00:50:42,789 --> 00:50:44,081
No, not-- Hey!
490
00:51:00,599 --> 00:51:02,016
Look out!
491
00:51:26,792 --> 00:51:28,501
Bingo.
492
00:51:39,971 --> 00:51:43,474
- Clark? You staying late?
- Oh, hi, Bill. Yeah.
493
00:51:43,475 --> 00:51:44,809
- Clark? You staying late?
- Oh, hi, Bill. Yeah.
494
00:51:44,976 --> 00:51:48,813
Just finishing up a few things.
Last day of the year for me.
495
00:51:48,980 --> 00:51:52,274
Well, have a really Merry Christmas.
496
00:51:53,193 --> 00:51:54,568
You too.
497
00:51:56,988 --> 00:52:00,199
- Are you okay?
- Yeah.
498
00:52:01,827 --> 00:52:04,411
Bill, did you get your bonus yet?
499
00:52:04,579 --> 00:52:06,872
I just talked to my son.
500
00:52:07,040 --> 00:52:10,167
Company messenger brought something
to the house. I guess that's it.
501
00:52:10,335 --> 00:52:14,839
Nothing like waiting till the
last minute, huh? Did you get yours?
502
00:52:17,050 --> 00:52:19,385
If it isn't at the house,
I'm sure it's on its way.
503
00:52:19,761 --> 00:52:24,014
If I don't get that bonus,
I'm in it up to here.
504
00:52:24,182 --> 00:52:26,559
Don't sweat it. It'll come.
Merry Christmas.
505
00:52:27,144 --> 00:52:29,228
Same to you.
506
00:53:45,555 --> 00:53:46,597
Me?
507
00:54:39,985 --> 00:54:42,152
Santy Claus!
508
00:54:42,320 --> 00:54:44,697
Uncle Clark, are you Santy Claus?
509
00:54:44,864 --> 00:54:48,033
What? Oh.
510
00:54:49,619 --> 00:54:51,829
You scared me.
511
00:54:53,206 --> 00:54:55,082
No, I'm not Santa Claus.
512
00:54:58,670 --> 00:55:01,297
I wish I was.
513
00:55:01,923 --> 00:55:04,758
What are you doing up, sweetheart?
514
00:55:06,011 --> 00:55:08,178
- Rocky bit my thumb.
- What?
515
00:55:08,346 --> 00:55:11,181
Him's nervous because
Christmas is almost here.
516
00:55:12,392 --> 00:55:15,602
- Nervous or excited?
- Shitting bricks.
517
00:55:17,022 --> 00:55:20,858
- You shouldn't use that word.
- Sorry. Shitting rocks.
518
00:55:21,860 --> 00:55:23,736
I see. Good.
519
00:55:23,903 --> 00:55:27,823
Him's nervous because he don't
know if he's getting nothing.
520
00:55:30,410 --> 00:55:33,537
I don't think he should be nervous
and you shouldn't be either.
521
00:55:33,705 --> 00:55:36,373
Because if you're good, Santa knows it.
522
00:55:37,250 --> 00:55:41,545
If you believe in him and you believe
in your mom and you believe in your....
523
00:55:41,713 --> 00:55:44,048
Your dad.
524
00:55:44,215 --> 00:55:48,719
If you've been good all year round,
Santa is gonna bring you something.
525
00:55:49,554 --> 00:55:52,931
Sometimes I think all that
Santa crap is just bull.
526
00:55:53,099 --> 00:55:56,477
If he was so real, how come
we didn't get squat last year?
527
00:55:56,644 --> 00:55:59,313
We didn't do nothing wrong
and we still got the shaft.
528
00:56:00,190 --> 00:56:04,151
Well, I happen to know for a fact
that Santa Claus is real.
529
00:56:04,903 --> 00:56:07,404
And in the next couple of days...
530
00:56:07,572 --> 00:56:09,740
...somehow I'm gonna prove it to you.
531
00:56:11,201 --> 00:56:14,244
You know, every year he comes
to our house. I've seen him.
532
00:56:15,580 --> 00:56:19,333
- That's true?
- Cross my heart.
533
00:56:19,834 --> 00:56:21,502
So....
534
00:56:22,337 --> 00:56:25,714
- It's good you came to stay with us.
- I love it here.
535
00:56:25,882 --> 00:56:28,592
You don't gotta put on your coat
to go to the bathroom.
536
00:56:28,760 --> 00:56:31,261
And your house is always parked
in the same place.
537
00:56:34,933 --> 00:56:37,893
I think you'd better go back to bed now.
538
00:56:39,562 --> 00:56:42,606
Okay. How come you ain't sleeping?
539
00:56:44,943 --> 00:56:48,070
Oh, I was just looking for something.
540
00:56:50,740 --> 00:56:54,243
You didn't notice if a man came here
and delivered a letter today, did you?
541
00:56:54,244 --> 00:56:55,369
You didn't notice if a man came here
and delivered a letter today, did you?
542
00:56:55,537 --> 00:56:57,579
Nope. How come?
543
00:56:57,747 --> 00:57:00,082
Oh, just wondering.
544
00:57:05,004 --> 00:57:07,506
Now you get back to bed. Come on.
545
00:57:13,972 --> 00:57:16,515
Uncle Clark, are you sure
you ain't Santy Claus?
546
00:57:18,143 --> 00:57:19,935
I'm sure.
547
00:57:24,274 --> 00:57:27,443
I can't even afford to be an elf.
548
00:57:36,870 --> 00:57:41,373
Two containers of K rations!
Two containers of K rations!
549
00:57:41,541 --> 00:57:45,002
Then I had Spam until
it was coming out of my ears.
550
00:57:45,170 --> 00:57:47,171
Oh, bullshit!
551
00:57:56,764 --> 00:58:00,267
- Aren't you having any breakfast?
- I'm not in the mood.
552
00:58:00,268 --> 00:58:01,351
- Aren't you having any breakfast?
- I'm not in the mood.
553
00:58:01,895 --> 00:58:04,354
What are you looking at?
554
00:58:05,106 --> 00:58:08,275
Oh, the silent majesty
of a winter's morn.
555
00:58:08,443 --> 00:58:11,612
The clean, cool chill of the holiday air.
556
00:58:11,779 --> 00:58:15,449
And an asshole in his bathrobe emptying
a chemical toilet into my sewer.
557
00:58:20,705 --> 00:58:23,582
- Shitter was full!
- Yeah.
558
00:58:23,750 --> 00:58:26,502
- Have you checked our shitters, honey?
- Clark, please.
559
00:58:26,669 --> 00:58:29,087
- He doesn't know any better.
- It's illegal.
560
00:58:29,255 --> 00:58:33,425
It's a sewer. If it fills with gas, I pity
the person who lights a match near it.
561
00:58:57,116 --> 00:59:00,619
Merry Christmas. Shitter was full.
562
00:59:00,620 --> 00:59:01,787
Merry Christmas. Shitter was full.
563
00:59:15,718 --> 00:59:19,555
I have a suspicion Cathrine and
Eddie don't have presents for their kids.
564
00:59:20,098 --> 00:59:23,600
Rocky said something about Eddie telling
him Santa wasn't coming this year.
565
00:59:23,601 --> 00:59:25,519
Rocky said something about Eddie telling
him Santa wasn't coming this year.
566
00:59:26,354 --> 00:59:29,940
Yeah. Ruby Sue said something
like that last night.
567
00:59:30,108 --> 00:59:33,860
- How can they have nothing for the kids?
- He's been out of work for seven years.
568
00:59:34,028 --> 00:59:36,154
In seven years he couldn't find a job?
569
00:59:36,322 --> 00:59:40,450
Cathrine says he's been holding out
for a management position.
570
00:59:44,122 --> 00:59:47,624
- So how's the live-bait business, Eddie?
- Well, I can't complain. How you doing?
571
00:59:47,625 --> 00:59:49,501
- So how's the live-bait business, Eddie?
- Well, I can't complain. How you doing?
572
00:59:49,669 --> 00:59:51,461
Not that good, actually.
573
00:59:51,629 --> 00:59:54,965
Your company kill off all them
people over in India not long ago?
574
00:59:55,133 --> 00:59:58,635
No. We missed out on that one. You're
pretty set so far as shopping goes?
575
00:59:58,636 --> 01:00:00,804
No. We missed out on that one. You're
pretty set so far as shopping goes?
576
01:00:00,972 --> 01:00:04,474
Well, I can't lie to you, Clark. The truth
is, things ain't going too good at all.
577
01:00:04,475 --> 01:00:06,268
Well, I can't lie to you, Clark. The truth
is, things ain't going too good at all.
578
01:00:06,436 --> 01:00:09,938
You know, I told you I borrowed the RV
from my neighbor? Nope. It's mine.
579
01:00:09,939 --> 01:00:11,732
You know, I told you I borrowed the RV
from my neighbor? Nope. It's mine.
580
01:00:11,899 --> 01:00:15,402
We live in it. I had to sell off
the house, the barn, the 10 acres.
581
01:00:15,403 --> 01:00:17,738
We live in it. I had to sell off
the house, the barn, the 10 acres.
582
01:00:17,905 --> 01:00:21,408
All I kept was a 50-foot plot,
the pigs and the worm farm.
583
01:00:21,409 --> 01:00:24,328
All I kept was a 50-foot plot,
the pigs and the worm farm.
584
01:00:24,829 --> 01:00:27,205
If only I had back the money
that me and Cathrine...
585
01:00:27,373 --> 01:00:31,835
...sent that TV preacher that was
screwing the hockey players.
586
01:00:32,003 --> 01:00:33,879
What about the kids?
587
01:00:34,047 --> 01:00:37,716
- His kids can fend for themselves.
- No, your kids.
588
01:00:37,884 --> 01:00:41,386
Oh, well, that's the bitch of it.
See, I don't know what to do.
589
01:00:41,554 --> 01:00:45,057
We coasted into town on fumes.
The gas money give out in Gurnee.
590
01:00:45,058 --> 01:00:46,767
We coasted into town on fumes.
The gas money give out in Gurnee.
591
01:00:47,602 --> 01:00:49,478
Eddie....
592
01:00:50,480 --> 01:00:53,940
Ellen and I want to help you
give the kids a nice Christmas.
593
01:00:54,108 --> 01:00:57,569
- Clark, I couldn't do that.
- No, no, we insist.
594
01:00:57,737 --> 01:01:00,238
Oh, no. I'm not one
for charity, now.
595
01:01:00,406 --> 01:01:03,909
Oh, I know that, Eddie.
This isn't charity. It's family.
596
01:01:06,204 --> 01:01:09,414
- I don't know about that.
- Now, come on.
597
01:01:09,582 --> 01:01:13,377
If you don't tell me what they want,
I'll go out and get it on my own.
598
01:01:15,213 --> 01:01:19,383
Oh, boy.
This is a surprise, Clark.
599
01:01:20,009 --> 01:01:23,512
This is just a real nice surprise.
Just a real nice surprise.
600
01:01:23,513 --> 01:01:25,806
This is just a real nice surprise.
Just a real nice surprise.
601
01:01:30,895 --> 01:01:34,940
Here's a little list.
Alphabetical, starting with Cathrine.
602
01:01:35,108 --> 01:01:39,069
And if it wouldn't be too much,
I'd like to get something for you, Clark.
603
01:01:39,237 --> 01:01:42,280
Something really nice.
604
01:01:59,048 --> 01:02:03,051
- Is your house on fire, Clark?
- No, those are Christmas lights.
605
01:02:03,219 --> 01:02:06,596
- Don't throw me down, Clark.
- I'll try not to, Aunt Bethany.
606
01:02:07,265 --> 01:02:10,183
- Is this the airport, Clark?
- We're here!
607
01:02:10,560 --> 01:02:14,104
Hey, Gris, me and Bethany
figured out the perfect gift for you.
608
01:02:14,272 --> 01:02:16,982
Oh, Uncle Lewis, you didn't
have to buy me anything.
609
01:02:17,150 --> 01:02:20,110
Damn it, Bethany, he guessed it.
610
01:02:20,278 --> 01:02:24,614
Oh, that was fun.
I love riding in cars.
611
01:02:25,616 --> 01:02:28,452
When did you move to Florida?
612
01:02:29,954 --> 01:02:33,248
Ellen, are you still dating Clark?
613
01:02:34,709 --> 01:02:38,962
Oh, Aunt Bethany, you know
you shouldn't have done that.
614
01:02:39,130 --> 01:02:41,840
Oh, dear. Did I break wind?
615
01:02:42,133 --> 01:02:45,677
Jesus, did the room clear out, Bethany?
616
01:02:45,845 --> 01:02:49,389
Hell, no. She means presents.
You shouldn't have brought presents.
617
01:02:49,891 --> 01:02:53,727
It isn't every day somebody
moves into a new house.
618
01:02:53,895 --> 01:02:56,021
They didn't move into a new house.
619
01:02:56,397 --> 01:02:59,357
- Um.... Mom?
- In the living room, Russ.
620
01:03:01,694 --> 01:03:05,155
This house is bigger
than your old one.
621
01:03:05,823 --> 01:03:07,783
Is Rusty still in the Navy?
622
01:03:07,950 --> 01:03:11,995
Aunt Bethany, why don't you go with
Francis and Cathrine to the living room...
623
01:03:12,163 --> 01:03:14,664
- ...and say hello to everybody.
- Hello, everybody?
624
01:03:14,832 --> 01:03:16,958
- Just in the living room.
- I should say it?
625
01:03:17,126 --> 01:03:20,086
- You should say it.
- Hello, everybody!
626
01:03:21,255 --> 01:03:22,839
- Mom.
- What?
627
01:03:23,007 --> 01:03:26,176
- This box is meowing.
- Let me see it.
628
01:03:31,516 --> 01:03:34,726
- She wrapped up her cat.
- Take it in the kitchen and open it up.
629
01:03:34,894 --> 01:03:38,063
- Then we'll have a cat running around.
- You can't leave it in the box.
630
01:03:38,231 --> 01:03:40,482
Why would somebody
wrap up a cat in a box?
631
01:03:40,650 --> 01:03:44,194
She gets confused, Rusty. She and
Uncle Lewis don't have much money...
632
01:03:44,362 --> 01:03:47,614
...so she takes things from the house
and gives them as presents.
633
01:03:47,782 --> 01:03:49,699
Great. Can't wait to see what I got.
634
01:03:49,867 --> 01:03:52,953
This one here is leaking.
635
01:03:59,001 --> 01:04:02,629
- It's lime.
- That's her Jell-O mold. I'll take it.
636
01:04:02,797 --> 01:04:06,550
Why don't you go back in the living room
and enjoy yourself? Russ?
637
01:04:06,717 --> 01:04:08,051
Come on, boy.
638
01:04:09,512 --> 01:04:11,221
Let's go find your sister.
639
01:04:29,031 --> 01:04:31,283
Daddy, don't do this.
640
01:04:32,285 --> 01:04:35,787
Before we begin, since this is
Aunt Bethany's 80th Christmas...
641
01:04:35,788 --> 01:04:37,247
Before we begin, since this is
Aunt Bethany's 80th Christmas...
642
01:04:37,415 --> 01:04:39,833
...I think she should lead us
in the saying of grace.
643
01:04:40,001 --> 01:04:42,752
- Aw....
- Great.
644
01:04:44,589 --> 01:04:46,548
What, dear?
645
01:04:47,758 --> 01:04:49,301
Grace!
646
01:04:50,052 --> 01:04:54,264
Grace? She passed away
30 years ago.
647
01:04:54,432 --> 01:04:56,766
They want you
to say grace.
648
01:04:59,520 --> 01:05:01,813
The blessing.
649
01:05:18,497 --> 01:05:22,000
I pledge allegiance to the flag
of the United States of America...
650
01:05:22,001 --> 01:05:24,044
I pledge allegiance to the flag
of the United States of America...
651
01:05:24,462 --> 01:05:27,923
...and to the republic
for which it stands...
652
01:05:28,090 --> 01:05:30,508
...one nation under God,
indivisible...
653
01:05:30,676 --> 01:05:34,179
...with liberty
and justice for all.
654
01:05:34,180 --> 01:05:35,931
...with liberty
and justice for all.
655
01:05:36,599 --> 01:05:38,475
- Amen.
- Amen.
656
01:05:43,606 --> 01:05:47,567
Cathrine, if this turkey tastes
half as good as it looks...
657
01:05:47,735 --> 01:05:50,612
...I think we're all in
for a very big treat.
658
01:05:51,322 --> 01:05:52,989
Thank you.
659
01:05:54,659 --> 01:05:58,161
- Save the neck for me, Clark.
- Okay, Eddie.
660
01:06:07,088 --> 01:06:08,421
Look at that.
661
01:06:13,010 --> 01:06:14,511
Sorry.
662
01:06:15,012 --> 01:06:19,015
- Why are you crying?
- I told you we put it in too early.
663
01:06:19,183 --> 01:06:23,395
- Oh, it's just a little dry. It's fine.
- It looks good to me.
664
01:06:24,230 --> 01:06:25,438
Here's the heart.
665
01:07:26,375 --> 01:07:28,084
Aunt Bethany?
666
01:07:29,336 --> 01:07:31,421
Does your cat, by any chance,
eat Jell-O?
667
01:07:33,966 --> 01:07:37,469
Well, I don't know about the cat,
but I sure am enjoying it.
668
01:07:50,775 --> 01:07:51,941
Hey, kids?
669
01:07:52,568 --> 01:07:56,071
I heard on the news that a pilot spotted
Santa's sled on its way from New York.
670
01:07:56,072 --> 01:07:57,614
I heard on the news that a pilot spotted
Santa's sled on its way from New York.
671
01:07:58,783 --> 01:08:01,242
Ooh....
672
01:08:04,121 --> 01:08:06,039
You serious, Clark?
673
01:08:08,042 --> 01:08:11,544
Art, you want to load me up with
a little more there. It is good.
674
01:08:11,545 --> 01:08:12,879
Art, you want to load me up with
a little more there. It is good.
675
01:08:21,639 --> 01:08:22,847
- Ed?
- Yeah, Clark.
676
01:08:23,015 --> 01:08:24,849
What's wrong with the dog?
677
01:08:28,270 --> 01:08:29,729
Oh, he's just yacking on a bone.
678
01:08:31,107 --> 01:08:33,066
He's got it up. He's all right now.
679
01:08:34,735 --> 01:08:37,487
Maybe if you wouldn't
feed him from the table.
680
01:08:38,989 --> 01:08:41,366
No, no.
681
01:08:41,534 --> 01:08:44,494
He's probably just nosing
through the trash there.
682
01:08:52,920 --> 01:08:56,673
Hey, Gris, if you're not doing
anything constructive...
683
01:08:56,841 --> 01:09:00,176
...run into the living room,
get my stogy.
684
01:09:01,011 --> 01:09:04,097
Is there anything else I can
do for you, Uncle Lewis?
685
01:09:04,265 --> 01:09:07,684
He's an old man.
This may be his last Christmas.
686
01:09:07,852 --> 01:09:10,645
If he keeps it up,
it will be his last Christmas.
687
01:09:44,388 --> 01:09:46,389
That should be it.
688
01:09:52,897 --> 01:09:54,397
Honey?
689
01:10:02,114 --> 01:10:06,201
- You had too many plugs in one outlet.
- Oh, God.
690
01:10:07,286 --> 01:10:09,245
What is it?
691
01:10:10,497 --> 01:10:14,000
Nothing. Let's go in
and finish our dessert.
692
01:10:16,003 --> 01:10:19,756
If that thing had nine lives,
she just spent them all.
693
01:10:20,132 --> 01:10:22,133
Whoo!
694
01:10:24,136 --> 01:10:27,639
If you don't mind, Clark, I'd like to see
if I can fumigate this here chair.
695
01:10:27,640 --> 01:10:28,681
If you don't mind, Clark, I'd like to see
if I can fumigate this here chair.
696
01:10:28,849 --> 01:10:31,643
It's a good, quality item.
697
01:10:32,895 --> 01:10:36,397
If you don't mind me asking,
how much it set you back?
698
01:10:36,398 --> 01:10:37,815
If you don't mind me asking,
how much it set you back?
699
01:10:37,983 --> 01:10:39,817
You smell something?
700
01:10:41,904 --> 01:10:43,947
Fried pussycat.
701
01:10:45,950 --> 01:10:48,910
It's not the chair. It's some kind
of gas coming from the sewer.
702
01:11:37,167 --> 01:11:38,626
Lewis?
703
01:11:39,670 --> 01:11:41,421
My tree!
704
01:11:43,007 --> 01:11:44,716
So, what's the matter with you?
705
01:11:46,218 --> 01:11:48,761
Look what you've done to my tree!
706
01:11:51,390 --> 01:11:52,890
Lewis.
707
01:12:03,694 --> 01:12:06,154
It was an ugly tree, anyway.
708
01:12:06,322 --> 01:12:08,698
At least it's out of its misery.
709
01:12:09,033 --> 01:12:11,200
- Dad's gonna flip out.
- Nobody's gonna flip out.
710
01:12:11,368 --> 01:12:13,161
We're gonna have
a wonderful Christmas.
711
01:12:17,207 --> 01:12:18,708
What the hell do you want?
712
01:12:18,876 --> 01:12:22,378
I have a delivery for Clark W. Grisman.
I was supposed to deliver it yesterday...
713
01:12:22,379 --> 01:12:24,047
I have a delivery for Clark W. Grisman.
I was supposed to deliver it yesterday...
714
01:12:24,214 --> 01:12:27,717
...but it fell between the seats,
and I didn't see it. I'm sorry.
715
01:12:27,718 --> 01:12:29,218
...but it fell between the seats,
and I didn't see it. I'm sorry.
716
01:12:35,726 --> 01:12:37,769
Merry Christmas.
717
01:12:38,437 --> 01:12:40,188
Merry Christmas.
718
01:12:43,567 --> 01:12:45,818
- I can't believe it.
- What is it?
719
01:12:45,986 --> 01:12:49,155
A letter confirming your reservation
at the nut house?
720
01:12:49,323 --> 01:12:51,282
It's from my company.
721
01:12:51,450 --> 01:12:53,993
- Your bonus.
- My bonus.
722
01:12:54,286 --> 01:12:55,620
Oh!
723
01:12:57,247 --> 01:12:59,290
That's great!
724
01:12:59,708 --> 01:13:01,584
Open it, Clarkie.
Open it.
725
01:13:02,294 --> 01:13:04,754
Yeah, I hope it's a fortune, Clark.
726
01:13:04,922 --> 01:13:06,923
I bet you do, Eddie.
727
01:13:10,928 --> 01:13:12,220
I was afraid....
728
01:13:12,388 --> 01:13:15,306
Are you gonna bawl all over it,
or are you gonna open it?
729
01:13:17,434 --> 01:13:20,937
I was gonna wait till tomorrow to tell
you all this, but what the heck.
730
01:13:20,938 --> 01:13:22,480
I was gonna wait till tomorrow to tell
you all this, but what the heck.
731
01:13:23,190 --> 01:13:26,692
With this bonus check,
I'm putting in a swimming pool.
732
01:13:31,073 --> 01:13:33,825
That's it. That's the big one!
733
01:13:35,786 --> 01:13:37,203
Open it!
734
01:13:39,123 --> 01:13:42,875
I'm sorry if I've been a little short
with everyone lately.
735
01:13:43,043 --> 01:13:45,128
I've been waiting
for this bonus.
736
01:13:45,295 --> 01:13:47,964
To make sure the pool goes in
when the ground thaws...
737
01:13:48,132 --> 01:13:50,842
...I had to pay in advance.
And until this arrived...
738
01:13:51,009 --> 01:13:54,178
...I didn't have enough in my account
to cover the check.
739
01:13:54,346 --> 01:13:56,556
- Tear the sucker open, Dad.
- Yeah.
740
01:13:58,100 --> 01:14:01,561
Drum roll. Just kidding.
741
01:14:07,734 --> 01:14:12,155
If there's enough left over, I'm gonna fly
you all down here to help us dedicate it.
742
01:14:16,118 --> 01:14:18,327
I can't swim, Clark.
743
01:14:18,996 --> 01:14:20,955
I know that, Eddie.
744
01:14:32,551 --> 01:14:33,593
Oh.
745
01:14:35,220 --> 01:14:37,263
Clark, what's wrong?
746
01:14:37,431 --> 01:14:38,848
Honey?
747
01:14:39,975 --> 01:14:42,685
It's bigger than you expected?
748
01:14:45,898 --> 01:14:47,482
Smaller?
749
01:14:49,860 --> 01:14:51,486
What is it?
750
01:14:52,529 --> 01:14:56,449
It's a one-year membership
in the Jelly of the Month Club.
751
01:14:56,617 --> 01:14:57,658
Oh, God.
752
01:14:57,826 --> 01:15:02,205
Clark, that's the gift that keeps
on giving the whole year.
753
01:15:03,582 --> 01:15:07,627
That it is, Edward.
That it is, indeed.
754
01:15:07,794 --> 01:15:10,880
I'm sorry. Clark....
755
01:15:11,381 --> 01:15:14,884
If this isn't the biggest punch
in the face I ever got. Goddamn it!
756
01:15:14,885 --> 01:15:16,886
If this isn't the biggest punch
in the face I ever got. Goddamn it!
757
01:15:17,054 --> 01:15:18,554
Son.
758
01:15:31,443 --> 01:15:35,738
That's good. That's good.
That's good.
759
01:15:38,534 --> 01:15:41,118
Ahh.... Hey!
760
01:15:42,079 --> 01:15:45,581
If any of you are looking for any
last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one.
761
01:15:45,582 --> 01:15:47,458
If any of you are looking for any
last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one.
762
01:15:47,626 --> 01:15:50,419
I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss,
right here, tonight.
763
01:15:51,630 --> 01:15:54,966
I want him brought from his happy
holiday slumber on Melody Lane...
764
01:15:55,133 --> 01:15:58,219
...with all the other rich people,
and I want him right here.
765
01:15:58,387 --> 01:16:00,763
With a big ribbon on his head.
766
01:16:00,931 --> 01:16:03,474
I wanna look him straight
in the eye and tell him...
767
01:16:03,642 --> 01:16:06,519
...what a cheap, lying, no good,
rotten, four-flushing...
768
01:16:06,687 --> 01:16:09,772
...low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating,
inbred, overstuffed...
769
01:16:09,940 --> 01:16:13,442
...ignorant, bloodsucking, dog-kissing,
brainless, dickless, hopeless...
770
01:16:13,443 --> 01:16:14,735
...ignorant, bloodsucking, dog-kissing,
brainless, dickless, hopeless...
771
01:16:14,903 --> 01:16:18,656
...heartless, fat-assed, bug-eyed,
stiff-legged, spotty-lipped...
772
01:16:18,824 --> 01:16:21,826
...worm-headed sack
of monkey shit he is!
773
01:16:21,994 --> 01:16:26,289
Hallelujah! Holy shit!
Where's the Tylenol?
774
01:16:39,845 --> 01:16:43,347
- He's got that crazed look in his eye.
- We should've gone to Hawaii.
775
01:16:43,348 --> 01:16:44,390
- He's got that crazed look in his eye.
- We should've gone to Hawaii.
776
01:16:44,558 --> 01:16:47,810
Turn that thing off
and get in the house!
777
01:16:47,978 --> 01:16:50,021
I'll talk to him, Mom.
778
01:16:53,150 --> 01:16:55,860
You know, Dad.
I've been thinking.
779
01:16:57,821 --> 01:16:59,238
Good talk, Dad.
780
01:17:04,995 --> 01:17:07,663
Aren't you a bit sorry we didn't
get a Christmas tree?
781
01:17:07,831 --> 01:17:11,334
Even though they're dirty and
messy and corny and clichéd.
782
01:17:11,501 --> 01:17:15,046
Well, where you gonna find a tree
at this hour on Christmas Eve?
783
01:17:34,399 --> 01:17:36,025
What's the matter?
784
01:17:37,361 --> 01:17:39,737
Was that really necessary?
785
01:17:41,365 --> 01:17:43,699
- We needed a tree.
- May I remind you that--
786
01:17:43,867 --> 01:17:48,037
That this was all my idea. No.
No, no. I'm well aware of that, honey.
787
01:17:48,372 --> 01:17:51,707
Could you just keep it in mind
the next time you go berserk?
788
01:17:52,000 --> 01:17:55,211
I didn't go berserk.
I simply solved a problem.
789
01:17:57,547 --> 01:18:01,884
We needed a coffin.
I mean, a tree.
790
01:18:02,052 --> 01:18:04,178
There are no lots open
on Christmas Eve.
791
01:18:04,346 --> 01:18:08,307
Lewis burned down my tree,
so I replaced it as best I could. Voilà.
792
01:18:08,892 --> 01:18:12,228
- Are you okay?
- I'm fine, honey.
793
01:18:36,461 --> 01:18:38,587
Fixed the newelpost.
794
01:19:00,986 --> 01:19:02,445
What's that sound?
795
01:19:24,509 --> 01:19:28,012
Do you hear it?
It's a funny squeaky sound.
796
01:19:28,013 --> 01:19:29,138
Do you hear it?
It's a funny squeaky sound.
797
01:19:30,056 --> 01:19:34,393
You couldn't hear a dump truck
driving through a nitroglycerin plant.
798
01:19:34,561 --> 01:19:37,772
Shh. I hear it too.
799
01:19:46,156 --> 01:19:48,073
I don't hear it anymore.
800
01:20:01,713 --> 01:20:03,589
What was it?! Oh, my God!
801
01:20:10,055 --> 01:20:12,306
Quiet! Shut up!
802
01:20:25,070 --> 01:20:27,196
Mom, don't move.
803
01:20:28,406 --> 01:20:31,200
We can't let it get out
of the living room.
804
01:20:32,035 --> 01:20:34,703
Where's Eddie? He usually eats
these goddamn things.
805
01:20:34,871 --> 01:20:38,374
Oh, not recently, Clark. He read that
squirrels were high in cholesterol.
806
01:20:38,375 --> 01:20:39,875
Oh, not recently, Clark. He read that
squirrels were high in cholesterol.
807
01:20:40,043 --> 01:20:41,919
Thank you, Cathrine.
808
01:20:42,796 --> 01:20:44,213
I'll try and trap it.
809
01:20:44,464 --> 01:20:46,298
- Russ!
- Right here, Dad.
810
01:20:47,008 --> 01:20:48,884
Oh, there you are.
811
01:20:49,636 --> 01:20:51,053
Go get the hammer.
812
01:20:51,221 --> 01:20:53,389
Clark, what do you need
a hammer for?
813
01:20:53,557 --> 01:20:57,101
I'm gonna catch it in the coat
and smack it with the hammer.
814
01:21:04,693 --> 01:21:06,819
I'm going in with him.
815
01:21:09,948 --> 01:21:11,574
Nora?
816
01:21:12,576 --> 01:21:15,411
- Nora!
- Is it gone?
817
01:21:15,579 --> 01:21:18,622
It probably got scared
and ran back into the tree.
818
01:21:18,915 --> 01:21:20,749
Squirrel!
819
01:21:59,414 --> 01:22:03,626
You just march right over there
and slug that creep in the face.
820
01:22:03,793 --> 01:22:06,837
- I can't just attack someone.
- If you're not man enough...
821
01:22:07,005 --> 01:22:09,924
...to put an end to this shit,
then I am.
822
01:22:21,853 --> 01:22:23,270
Ha!
823
01:22:30,904 --> 01:22:31,946
Gone.
824
01:22:37,661 --> 01:22:39,828
Oh, my God!
825
01:22:42,499 --> 01:22:44,625
What happened to you?
826
01:22:51,758 --> 01:22:55,177
Beautiful. God.
827
01:22:56,805 --> 01:22:59,807
Where do you think you're going?
Nobody's leaving.
828
01:22:59,975 --> 01:23:02,643
Nobody's walking out
on this family Christmas.
829
01:23:02,811 --> 01:23:05,229
No, no. We're all in this together.
830
01:23:05,480 --> 01:23:08,399
This is a full-blown, four-alarm
holiday emergency here.
831
01:23:08,775 --> 01:23:12,236
We're gonna press on, and we're gonna
have the hap-hap-happiest Christmas...
832
01:23:12,404 --> 01:23:14,697
...since Bing Crosby tap-danced
with Danny Kaye.
833
01:23:15,198 --> 01:23:18,158
And when Santa squeezes his ass
down that chimney tonight...
834
01:23:18,326 --> 01:23:22,287
...he's gonna find the jolliest bunch
of assholes this side of the nut house.
835
01:23:22,706 --> 01:23:23,956
You're goofy.
836
01:23:24,124 --> 01:23:25,916
- Don't piss me off, Art.
- Clark?
837
01:23:26,960 --> 01:23:29,169
- It's over.
- Not according to Santa's watch.
838
01:23:29,337 --> 01:23:31,171
- Come on, son.
- Stay out of this, Dad.
839
01:23:31,339 --> 01:23:34,383
Clark, I think it's best
if everyone just goes home.
840
01:23:34,926 --> 01:23:37,886
- Before things get worse.
- Worse?
841
01:23:38,054 --> 01:23:39,596
How could they
get any worse?
842
01:23:39,764 --> 01:23:44,143
Take a look around you, Ellen.
We're at the threshold of hell.
843
01:24:01,870 --> 01:24:03,287
Son?
844
01:24:04,539 --> 01:24:07,082
I love you.
We all love you.
845
01:24:07,333 --> 01:24:11,503
But this is a terrible night.
Nothing's gone right. It's a disaster.
846
01:24:11,671 --> 01:24:14,923
You losing your temper with the whole
family only makes things worse.
847
01:24:15,091 --> 01:24:18,135
You're too good a father
to act like this.
848
01:24:19,429 --> 01:24:23,932
In years to come, you'll want your family
to remember all the love you gave us.
849
01:24:24,100 --> 01:24:26,977
And how hard you tried
to make the perfect Christmas.
850
01:24:27,145 --> 01:24:30,105
- Well, I just--
- You just cocked it up.
851
01:24:31,608 --> 01:24:34,943
Oh, it's okay. It happens.
852
01:24:37,030 --> 01:24:40,824
- Our holidays were always such a mess.
- Oh, yeah.
853
01:24:41,326 --> 01:24:43,368
How did you
get through it?
854
01:24:43,995 --> 01:24:46,997
I had a lot of help
from Jack Daniels.
855
01:24:55,715 --> 01:24:57,633
I love you.
856
01:24:59,302 --> 01:25:01,136
- Dad?
- Yeah.
857
01:25:01,638 --> 01:25:03,972
Are you gonna recite
The Night Before Christmas?
858
01:25:04,140 --> 01:25:08,393
No. It's your house.
It's your Christmas.
859
01:25:09,187 --> 01:25:11,146
I'm retiring.
860
01:25:12,232 --> 01:25:15,109
"The children were nestled
all snug in their beds...
861
01:25:15,276 --> 01:25:18,737
...while visions of sugarplums
danced in their heads.
862
01:25:18,905 --> 01:25:21,573
And Mama in her kerchief
and I in my cap...
863
01:25:21,741 --> 01:25:24,493
...had just settled our brains
for a long winter's nap.
864
01:25:24,828 --> 01:25:27,746
When out on the lawn,
there arose such a clatter...
865
01:25:28,039 --> 01:25:30,332
...I sprang from my bed to see
what was the matter.
866
01:25:30,625 --> 01:25:32,835
Away to the window,
I flew like a flash...
867
01:25:33,002 --> 01:25:35,671
...tore open the shutters
and threw up the sash.
868
01:25:35,839 --> 01:25:40,092
The moon on the new-fallen snow gave
a luster of midday to objects below.
869
01:25:41,553 --> 01:25:45,055
When what to my wondering eyes should
appear but a miniature sleigh and...."
870
01:25:45,056 --> 01:25:46,223
When what to my wondering eyes should
appear but a miniature sleigh and...."
871
01:25:46,391 --> 01:25:50,018
And Eddie with a man in his
pajamas with a dog chain...
872
01:25:50,186 --> 01:25:52,271
...tied to his wrists and ankles.
What the--?
873
01:25:55,024 --> 01:25:56,733
Stay here.
874
01:26:01,239 --> 01:26:05,033
Ho, ho, ho.
Merry Christmas, Clark.
875
01:26:05,952 --> 01:26:08,787
You about ready to do some kissing?
876
01:26:10,456 --> 01:26:13,041
Yes, officer, it seems
my husband's been abducted.
877
01:26:13,209 --> 01:26:15,252
The man was...
878
01:26:15,420 --> 01:26:18,922
...wearing a blue leisure suit,
and the plates were from Kansas.
879
01:26:18,923 --> 01:26:19,965
...wearing a blue leisure suit,
and the plates were from Kansas.
880
01:26:20,133 --> 01:26:23,594
He was a huge, beastly,
bulging man and--
881
01:26:23,845 --> 01:26:26,180
I've never been treated
like this in my life.
882
01:26:26,347 --> 01:26:29,725
I'm sorry. This is our family's
first kidnapping.
883
01:26:29,893 --> 01:26:33,061
You're fired. And where's the phone?
I'm calling the police.
884
01:26:33,229 --> 01:26:37,274
Hey, just hold your wad there, fella.
Clark had nothing to do with this.
885
01:26:37,442 --> 01:26:39,568
This here was my idea.
886
01:26:39,736 --> 01:26:43,614
All right. He's still fired,
and you are going to jail.
887
01:26:43,781 --> 01:26:47,075
Oh, no. Eddie, it was my fault.
888
01:26:47,911 --> 01:26:50,037
I lost my temper
when I got my bonus.
889
01:26:50,205 --> 01:26:53,290
- I guess I said things I shouldn't have.
- Bonus?
890
01:26:53,458 --> 01:26:56,752
How did you get a bonus?
I cut out bonuses this year.
891
01:26:56,920 --> 01:26:59,171
Yeah. Thanks for telling us.
892
01:26:59,589 --> 01:27:03,425
I was expecting a check.
Instead I got enrolled in a jelly club.
893
01:27:03,593 --> 01:27:07,679
Seventeen years with the company. I've
gotten a bonus every year but this one.
894
01:27:07,847 --> 01:27:09,640
You don't wanna give bonuses, fine!
895
01:27:09,807 --> 01:27:12,601
But when people count on them
as part of their salary...
896
01:27:12,769 --> 01:27:15,270
- ...well, what you did just plain--
- Sucks.
897
01:27:17,273 --> 01:27:18,941
Thank you, Russ.
898
01:27:20,443 --> 01:27:22,152
My...
899
01:27:22,320 --> 01:27:25,322
...cousin-in-law, whose heart
is bigger than his brain--
900
01:27:25,490 --> 01:27:27,741
I appreciate that, Clark.
901
01:27:28,409 --> 01:27:31,745
Is innocent. I'll be more than happy
to take the rap on this.
902
01:27:31,913 --> 01:27:35,415
On behalf of myself and every other
employee you rear-ended this Christmas.
903
01:27:35,416 --> 01:27:36,500
On behalf of myself and every other
employee you rear-ended this Christmas.
904
01:27:54,852 --> 01:27:56,520
Look...
905
01:27:57,855 --> 01:28:01,024
...sometimes things look
good on paper...
906
01:28:01,192 --> 01:28:05,153
...but lose their luster when you see
how it affects real folks.
907
01:28:06,072 --> 01:28:08,407
I guess a healthy bottom line
doesn't mean much...
908
01:28:08,574 --> 01:28:11,827
...if to get it you have to hurt
the ones you depend on.
909
01:28:13,830 --> 01:28:16,748
It's people that make the difference.
910
01:28:16,916 --> 01:28:19,042
Little people, like you.
911
01:28:20,920 --> 01:28:23,839
So, Carl...
912
01:28:24,674 --> 01:28:27,134
...whatever you got last year...
913
01:28:27,302 --> 01:28:29,845
...add 20 percent.
914
01:28:31,139 --> 01:28:32,389
Our pool!
915
01:28:33,683 --> 01:28:35,600
Clark?
916
01:28:37,353 --> 01:28:38,437
Dad.
917
01:29:22,815 --> 01:29:25,400
Go away, Todd.
918
01:29:25,568 --> 01:29:29,071
If you wanna come in, you are gonna
have to break down the goddamn door!
919
01:29:29,072 --> 01:29:30,322
If you wanna come in, you are gonna
have to break down the goddamn door!
920
01:29:41,542 --> 01:29:44,753
Merry Christmas to all
and to all a good night!
921
01:29:56,307 --> 01:29:58,100
Freeze!
922
01:29:59,644 --> 01:30:01,937
Not you, them!
Them!
923
01:30:11,197 --> 01:30:13,115
This way, please.
924
01:30:15,618 --> 01:30:19,538
- I think you've made a terrible mistake.
- I told you to freeze, mister.
925
01:30:19,705 --> 01:30:21,289
May we blink?
926
01:30:24,877 --> 01:30:26,586
Frank.
927
01:30:26,963 --> 01:30:28,755
- Helen!
- You're all right.
928
01:30:28,923 --> 01:30:30,757
Oh, I'm fine.
I'm just fine.
929
01:30:30,925 --> 01:30:32,801
It was a big misunderstanding tonight.
930
01:30:32,969 --> 01:30:36,513
Excuse me. Would you and
Mrs. Shirley like to step outside...
931
01:30:36,681 --> 01:30:38,765
...so we can take care
of business here?
932
01:30:38,933 --> 01:30:41,476
There's no business.
I'm not pressing any charges.
933
01:30:41,811 --> 01:30:43,770
- What?
- It was a mistake.
934
01:30:43,938 --> 01:30:46,982
Mistake? Frank, honey,
you were kidnapped.
935
01:30:47,150 --> 01:30:50,861
I did something I shouldn't have,
and these people called me on it.
936
01:30:51,028 --> 01:30:54,072
This is Clark Griswold
and his family.
937
01:30:54,240 --> 01:30:56,324
Welcome to our home.
938
01:30:57,160 --> 01:30:58,577
What's left of it.
939
01:30:58,744 --> 01:31:01,663
- Release B Squad.
- What's going on here?
940
01:31:01,956 --> 01:31:05,459
Remember I was toying with the notion
of suspending the Christmas bonuses?
941
01:31:05,460 --> 01:31:06,918
Remember I was toying with the notion
of suspending the Christmas bonuses?
942
01:31:07,086 --> 01:31:10,589
You didn't. Well, of all the cheap,
lousy ways to save a buck!
943
01:31:10,590 --> 01:31:11,923
You didn't. Well, of all the cheap,
lousy ways to save a buck!
944
01:31:12,091 --> 01:31:15,719
That's pretty low, mister. If I had
a rubber hose, I would beat you to--
945
01:31:15,887 --> 01:31:17,929
I changed my mind.
946
01:31:18,389 --> 01:31:20,307
I'm reinstating the bonuses.
947
01:31:20,558 --> 01:31:22,058
Look!
948
01:31:23,811 --> 01:31:25,729
Look, look!
949
01:31:27,940 --> 01:31:29,357
Look!
950
01:31:29,525 --> 01:31:32,277
Ruby Sue, sweetheart.
951
01:31:35,781 --> 01:31:38,241
- It's Santa Claus.
- What? What's wrong?
952
01:31:40,036 --> 01:31:42,287
- What?
- She thinks she sees Santa.
953
01:31:42,455 --> 01:31:46,249
- Santa Claus.
- No, it's the Christmas star.
954
01:31:47,084 --> 01:31:49,419
And that's all that matters tonight.
955
01:31:50,546 --> 01:31:54,883
Not bonuses or gifts
or turkeys or trees.
956
01:31:55,051 --> 01:31:56,843
See, kids...
957
01:31:57,303 --> 01:32:00,096
...it means something different
to everybody.
958
01:32:02,058 --> 01:32:04,309
Now I know what it means to me.
959
01:32:05,853 --> 01:32:08,230
That ain't the frigging Christmas star.
960
01:32:08,397 --> 01:32:11,483
It's a light
on the sewage treatment plant.
961
01:32:11,651 --> 01:32:13,068
Sewer gas.
962
01:32:15,071 --> 01:32:16,905
Don't drop that!
963
01:33:05,121 --> 01:33:06,621
Play ball!
964
01:33:14,672 --> 01:33:17,173
Merry Christmas, Sparky.
965
01:33:17,925 --> 01:33:19,884
Merry Christmas, honey.
966
01:33:21,637 --> 01:33:23,138
Come here.
967
01:33:48,456 --> 01:33:50,123
I did it.
78237
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