All language subtitles for National Lampoons Christmas Vacation (1989).en

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:03:12,150 --> 00:03:13,525 That was beautiful-- 2 00:03:28,416 --> 00:03:30,250 Take it, Russ. 3 00:03:32,754 --> 00:03:35,422 Dad, can you explain again what we're doing? 4 00:03:35,590 --> 00:03:39,259 Sure, Russ. We're kicking off our fun, old-fashioned family Christmas... 5 00:03:39,427 --> 00:03:42,971 ...by heading out into the country in the old front-wheel drive sleigh... 6 00:03:43,139 --> 00:03:45,641 ...to embrace the majesty of the winter landscape... 7 00:03:45,808 --> 00:03:48,936 ...and select that most important of Christmas symbols. 8 00:03:49,103 --> 00:03:53,106 We're not driving all the way here so you can get one of those stupid ties... 9 00:03:53,274 --> 00:03:57,444 - ...with the Santa Clauses on it, are we? - No, I have one of those at home. 10 00:03:57,612 --> 00:04:01,114 What we're looking for today is the Griswold family Christmas tree. 11 00:04:01,115 --> 00:04:02,199 What we're looking for today is the Griswold family Christmas tree. 12 00:04:11,751 --> 00:04:14,795 - What's the matter? - Some jackass is riding my tail. 13 00:04:17,548 --> 00:04:20,175 Slow down and let him pass. 14 00:04:31,521 --> 00:04:34,398 Clark! Don't provoke them. 15 00:04:35,483 --> 00:04:36,900 Hey, kids, look a deer. 16 00:04:57,005 --> 00:05:00,007 Clark, slow down! 17 00:05:00,174 --> 00:05:02,676 You wanna ride behind somebody who does that? 18 00:05:02,844 --> 00:05:05,178 I'll pull around them and leave them behind us. 19 00:05:05,346 --> 00:05:09,057 Burn some dust here. Eat my rubber. 20 00:05:09,225 --> 00:05:13,186 Dad, I think what you mean is, "Burn rubber," and, "Eat my dust." 21 00:05:13,354 --> 00:05:15,022 Whatever, Russ. Whatever. 22 00:05:20,236 --> 00:05:23,238 Eat my road grit, liver lips! 23 00:05:26,367 --> 00:05:28,243 Okay. That's enough of that. 24 00:05:33,333 --> 00:05:35,876 Speaking of trees, kids, can one of you tell me... 25 00:05:36,044 --> 00:05:38,628 ...what the first tree displayed at the White House was? 26 00:05:38,796 --> 00:05:40,964 Dad, they're back. 27 00:05:45,053 --> 00:05:49,056 Clark, stop it! I don't want to spend the holidays dead. 28 00:05:49,349 --> 00:05:52,601 Honey, please! I'll do the driving, okay? 29 00:05:52,852 --> 00:05:56,063 Will you just take it easy, Ellen? I'm in complete control. 30 00:05:57,648 --> 00:05:59,066 I'll get around this egg timer. 31 00:06:04,030 --> 00:06:05,572 Dad. Dad. 32 00:06:16,459 --> 00:06:20,504 - Thank God, we're all right! - Clark, we're stuck under a truck! 33 00:06:20,713 --> 00:06:24,424 - Do you think I don't know that? - Come on, guys, don't fight. 34 00:06:24,592 --> 00:06:27,010 For chrissake, I didn't do this on purpose! 35 00:06:30,681 --> 00:06:35,018 Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. 36 00:06:35,186 --> 00:06:38,105 And forgive my husband. He knows not what he does. 37 00:06:38,272 --> 00:06:39,940 Amen! 38 00:06:41,651 --> 00:06:44,361 - Oh, my God! Oh, my God! - Oops! 39 00:06:57,959 --> 00:07:00,001 Made pretty good time. 40 00:07:06,259 --> 00:07:10,387 Dad, didn't they invent tree lots so people wouldn't have to drive... 41 00:07:10,555 --> 00:07:13,598 ...all the way out to nowhere and waste a whole Saturday? 42 00:07:13,766 --> 00:07:15,851 They made them because people forgot... 43 00:07:16,018 --> 00:07:17,978 ...how to have an old-fashioned Christmas... 44 00:07:18,146 --> 00:07:20,564 ...and are satisfied with scrawny, overpriced trees... 45 00:07:20,731 --> 00:07:23,442 - ...that have no special meaning. - My toes are numb. 46 00:07:23,609 --> 00:07:27,529 - This is what our forefathers did. - I can't feel my leg. 47 00:07:27,697 --> 00:07:31,450 They walked out into the woods, picked it and cut it with their hands. 48 00:07:31,617 --> 00:07:34,411 - Mom, I can't feel my hips. - Clark. 49 00:07:34,579 --> 00:07:37,497 - Yes, honey? - Audrey's frozen from the waist. 50 00:07:37,665 --> 00:07:40,167 That's all part of the experience, honey. 51 00:07:42,044 --> 00:07:43,503 There it is. 52 00:08:02,231 --> 00:08:05,275 The Griswold family Christmas tree. 53 00:08:10,990 --> 00:08:14,493 - Isn't it a little big? - It's not big, it's just full. 54 00:08:14,494 --> 00:08:15,785 - Isn't it a little big? - It's not big, it's just full. 55 00:08:15,953 --> 00:08:19,456 - Dad, that thing wouldn't fit in our yard. - It's not going in our yard, Russ. 56 00:08:19,457 --> 00:08:20,957 - Dad, that thing wouldn't fit in our yard. - It's not going in our yard, Russ. 57 00:08:21,125 --> 00:08:23,585 It's going in our living room. 58 00:08:27,965 --> 00:08:30,884 - Look at it. - It really is beautiful, Clark. 59 00:08:31,052 --> 00:08:33,553 - It's something else, huh, Russ? - Yeah, Dad. 60 00:08:33,721 --> 00:08:36,389 - Isn't it a beaut, Audrey? - She'll see it later, hon. 61 00:08:36,933 --> 00:08:39,017 Her eyes are frozen. 62 00:08:39,185 --> 00:08:42,771 Most enduring traditions of the season are best enjoyed in the warm embrace... 63 00:08:42,939 --> 00:08:45,106 ...of kith and kin. 64 00:08:46,442 --> 00:08:49,444 This tree is the symbol of the spirit of the Griswold Christmas. 65 00:08:51,239 --> 00:08:53,406 Dad, did you bring a saw? 66 00:09:39,036 --> 00:09:42,497 Looks like the toad overestimated the height of his living room ceiling. 67 00:09:54,302 --> 00:09:58,638 Hey, Griswold. Where do you think you're gonna put a tree that big? 68 00:10:00,057 --> 00:10:02,183 Bend over and I'll show you. 69 00:10:02,852 --> 00:10:05,228 You've got a lot of nerve talking to me like that. 70 00:10:05,396 --> 00:10:08,064 I wasn't talking to you. 71 00:10:21,871 --> 00:10:26,082 Clark, do you think there's enough room for the angel? 72 00:10:26,959 --> 00:10:30,003 Oh, sure, honey. I have a little more trimming to do... 73 00:10:30,171 --> 00:10:32,589 ...but that won't be a problem. Ready? 74 00:10:33,007 --> 00:10:36,384 I give you the Griswold family Christmas tree. 75 00:10:44,560 --> 00:10:46,144 There's a lot of sap in here. 76 00:10:48,439 --> 00:10:51,066 It looks great. A little full. A lot of sap. 77 00:11:13,381 --> 00:11:16,883 - Did I tell you I talked to my mother? - And? 78 00:11:17,051 --> 00:11:20,553 They've decided they're coming for Christmas too. 79 00:11:20,971 --> 00:11:24,474 - It's not too late to change our plans. - No, no, that's great. That's great. 80 00:11:24,475 --> 00:11:25,725 - It's not too late to change our plans. - No, no, that's great. That's great. 81 00:11:26,602 --> 00:11:28,812 You're forgetting how difficult it's gonna be... 82 00:11:28,979 --> 00:11:30,980 ...having everybody in the house. 83 00:11:31,148 --> 00:11:33,983 Honey, they're family. They're not strangers off the street. 84 00:11:34,151 --> 00:11:36,361 All they do is argue. 85 00:11:36,529 --> 00:11:38,613 Christmas is about resolving differences... 86 00:11:38,781 --> 00:11:41,032 ...and seeing through the problems of family life. 87 00:11:41,200 --> 00:11:45,578 Yeah. And about my mother accusing your mother of buying cheap hot dogs. 88 00:11:45,746 --> 00:11:49,749 And your mother accusing my mother of waxing her upper lip. 89 00:11:49,917 --> 00:11:53,378 - Then they don't speak to each other-- - Your mother waxes her upper lip? 90 00:11:53,546 --> 00:11:57,757 - She has for years. - It doesn't show. 91 00:11:57,925 --> 00:12:00,927 - I don't know, Sparky. I have a feeling-- - Ellen. 92 00:12:01,095 --> 00:12:03,763 I want to have Christmas here in our house. 93 00:12:03,931 --> 00:12:08,184 It means a lot to me. All my life I've wanted to have a big family Christmas. 94 00:12:08,352 --> 00:12:10,228 I know. 95 00:12:12,356 --> 00:12:16,651 It's just that I know how you build things up in your mind, Sparky. 96 00:12:17,486 --> 00:12:20,989 You set standards that no family event can ever live up to. 97 00:12:20,990 --> 00:12:22,031 You set standards that no family event can ever live up to. 98 00:12:22,408 --> 00:12:24,617 When have I ever done that? 99 00:12:27,621 --> 00:12:31,124 - Parties. Weddings. Anniversaries. - Good night, honey. 100 00:12:31,125 --> 00:12:34,043 - Parties. Weddings. Anniversaries. - Good night, honey. 101 00:12:34,211 --> 00:12:38,339 - Funerals. Holidays. - Oh, great. 102 00:12:38,507 --> 00:12:41,509 Vacations. Graduations. 103 00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:07,118 You should be looking at a fat Christmas bonus this year, huh? 104 00:13:07,286 --> 00:13:11,039 Word is you're an excellent choice to be named Additive Designer of the Year. 105 00:13:11,207 --> 00:13:13,833 - Nah. - I'm not kidding. 106 00:13:14,001 --> 00:13:16,169 What's that new thing you got at Food and Drug? 107 00:13:16,337 --> 00:13:20,048 Oh, the crunch enhancer? Yeah, it's a non-nutritive cereal varnish. 108 00:13:20,216 --> 00:13:23,218 It's semipermeable, not osmatic. It coats and seals the flake... 109 00:13:23,385 --> 00:13:25,845 - ...prevents the milk from penetrating it. - Yeah. 110 00:13:26,013 --> 00:13:28,348 - It's a beautiful product. - I like it, yeah. 111 00:13:28,516 --> 00:13:30,850 The question is, what will you do with that bonus? 112 00:13:31,018 --> 00:13:34,395 - Gonna blow it on yourself, I hope. - Me? Heck, no. 113 00:13:34,814 --> 00:13:36,564 Take a look at this. 114 00:13:40,986 --> 00:13:43,029 I hope my Christmas bonus check will cover it. 115 00:13:43,197 --> 00:13:46,366 Oh, my God, you're putting in a pool. 116 00:13:55,876 --> 00:13:59,170 I went ahead and I put a $7500 deposit down on it. 117 00:13:59,338 --> 00:14:01,256 You're the last true family man. 118 00:14:03,175 --> 00:14:06,719 - Mark. - Clark. 119 00:14:07,763 --> 00:14:09,180 That's Bill, sir. 120 00:14:09,348 --> 00:14:12,058 Were you working on that non-nutritive cereal varnish? 121 00:14:12,518 --> 00:14:15,228 - Yes, sir. - I gotta give a speech to a trade group. 122 00:14:15,396 --> 00:14:18,898 I'd like to mention it. Write a summary and have it to me by the end of the day. 123 00:14:18,899 --> 00:14:20,024 I'd like to mention it. Write a summary and have it to me by the end of the day. 124 00:14:20,192 --> 00:14:21,985 - My pleasure. - Layman's terms. 125 00:14:22,152 --> 00:14:24,821 None of that inside bullshit jargon nobody understands. 126 00:14:25,990 --> 00:14:27,657 Yes, sir. 127 00:14:30,494 --> 00:14:33,913 Oh, Mr. Shirley. We got your Christmas card the other day... 128 00:14:34,081 --> 00:14:37,125 ...and my family and I are very flattered that you remembered us. 129 00:14:38,419 --> 00:14:40,461 Corporate cards. 130 00:14:44,008 --> 00:14:47,302 - Don't forget that report, Bill. - Yes, sir. Thank you. Merry Christmas. 131 00:14:47,469 --> 00:14:49,762 Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. 132 00:14:49,930 --> 00:14:53,433 Kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah. 133 00:14:53,434 --> 00:14:55,310 Kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah. 134 00:15:20,961 --> 00:15:23,421 Can I show you something? 135 00:15:29,803 --> 00:15:33,306 I was just smelling-- Smiling. I was just blouse-- Browsing. 136 00:15:33,307 --> 00:15:35,308 I was just smelling-- Smiling. I was just blouse-- Browsing. 137 00:15:36,477 --> 00:15:39,312 For your wife or your girlfriend? 138 00:15:40,648 --> 00:15:43,107 What? What happened? 139 00:15:48,948 --> 00:15:51,491 I guess it wouldn't be any-- 140 00:15:52,493 --> 00:15:55,662 Wouldn't be the Christmas shopping season if stores were less hooter-- 141 00:15:55,829 --> 00:15:58,164 Hotter than they are. 142 00:15:58,999 --> 00:16:00,959 - It is warm in here. - You have your coat on. 143 00:16:01,126 --> 00:16:03,920 - Yes. Oh, do I? How did that happen? - Because it's cold out. 144 00:16:04,421 --> 00:16:08,633 Yes. Yes. It is. It's a bit nipply out. I mean, nippy out. 145 00:16:10,010 --> 00:16:12,428 What did I say, nipple? 146 00:16:12,680 --> 00:16:16,683 - There is a nip in the air though. - Can I take something out for you? 147 00:16:26,485 --> 00:16:29,988 I was just.... I was just looking at something for my wife. 148 00:16:29,989 --> 00:16:31,197 I was just.... I was just looking at something for my wife. 149 00:16:31,365 --> 00:16:34,367 - God rest her soul. - Oh, God, I'm so sorry. 150 00:16:34,618 --> 00:16:38,121 Oh, no, no, she's not dead. We're just divorced. She's history. 151 00:16:38,122 --> 00:16:40,289 Oh, no, no, she's not dead. We're just divorced. She's history. 152 00:16:40,457 --> 00:16:44,293 Obviously she doesn't wear underwear. There are plenty of shopping days left... 153 00:16:44,461 --> 00:16:47,964 ...until adultery-- Adulthood. Which is to say Christmas, as in Yule. 154 00:16:47,965 --> 00:16:49,132 ...until adultery-- Adulthood. Which is to say Christmas, as in Yule. 155 00:16:49,299 --> 00:16:52,802 Yule log. Not a log, I don't have a log. But, I mean, you know, if I had a log... 156 00:16:52,803 --> 00:16:54,137 Yule log. Not a log, I don't have a log. But, I mean, you know, if I had a log... 157 00:16:54,304 --> 00:16:57,807 ...not in the sense that you think I said I did. Good golly. 158 00:16:57,808 --> 00:16:59,559 ...not in the sense that you think I said I did. Good golly. 159 00:17:00,561 --> 00:17:02,562 'Tis the season to be merry. 160 00:17:02,730 --> 00:17:05,106 - Well, that's my name. - No shit. 161 00:17:13,615 --> 00:17:17,118 What do these do? Do they clip on here? Down there? 162 00:17:17,119 --> 00:17:18,327 What do these do? Do they clip on here? Down there? 163 00:17:18,495 --> 00:17:20,913 - Would you like this one? - Sure. 164 00:17:21,206 --> 00:17:24,959 These are cut really high on the hip. Look, I'm wearing something similar. 165 00:17:25,127 --> 00:17:27,003 See? You can't see the line. 166 00:17:27,171 --> 00:17:29,672 - You can't see the line, can you, Russ? - No. 167 00:17:29,840 --> 00:17:31,591 No. 168 00:17:33,093 --> 00:17:36,679 That's a present from a very dear friend of mine. 169 00:17:37,556 --> 00:17:41,434 Look, Daddy, teacher says every time a bell rings... 170 00:17:41,602 --> 00:17:44,103 ...an angel gets his wings. 171 00:18:00,704 --> 00:18:03,664 Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. 172 00:18:17,805 --> 00:18:20,848 Folks! Folks! Folks! Merry Christmas. 173 00:18:23,310 --> 00:18:27,355 - Hey! How you doing, son? - Fine. 174 00:18:27,648 --> 00:18:31,025 There he is! Oh, my boy. 175 00:18:31,193 --> 00:18:34,987 - Look at how big you've gotten. - Merry Christmas. 176 00:18:35,405 --> 00:18:36,989 - Mom. - Sweetheart. 177 00:18:37,157 --> 00:18:41,327 Oh, knock on the door. Lift up the ladder. 178 00:18:41,495 --> 00:18:43,788 - Listen. Doesn't Nora look old? - You promised. 179 00:18:43,956 --> 00:18:47,166 - Of course I do. - They took a pint of fluid from my back. 180 00:18:47,417 --> 00:18:49,544 Do you see this mole? This mole on my neck? 181 00:18:49,711 --> 00:18:51,212 - Think it's changing color? - No. 182 00:18:51,380 --> 00:18:55,550 - You keep touching it, it gets redder. - I got hemorrhoids. Can you believe that? 183 00:18:55,717 --> 00:18:57,760 - Oh, Mother. - Isn't that terrible? 184 00:18:57,928 --> 00:19:00,429 - You're not getting the garage space. - After what you-- 185 00:19:00,597 --> 00:19:02,473 I'm doing the parking. Russ, want to help? 186 00:19:02,683 --> 00:19:05,685 Mom, they're not sleeping in my room. I'm gonna go crazy, Mom. 187 00:19:05,894 --> 00:19:09,188 Sweetheart. Your grandma's got a real painful burr on my heel. 188 00:19:09,356 --> 00:19:11,691 If you rub it for me, I'll give you a whole quarter. 189 00:19:11,859 --> 00:19:14,610 - A quarter. A quarter. - I'll give Audrey a quarter too. 190 00:19:14,778 --> 00:19:18,156 - I'm gonna put my car in the garage! - He damaged my car, you believe that? 191 00:19:18,323 --> 00:19:19,407 I'll park the cars. 192 00:19:20,742 --> 00:19:23,494 This is what Christmas is all about. 193 00:19:23,954 --> 00:19:27,623 I'll park the cars and check the luggage... 194 00:19:27,791 --> 00:19:31,210 ...and yeah, I'll be outside for the season. 195 00:19:34,464 --> 00:19:36,841 We're gonna have the best-looking house in town. 196 00:19:37,009 --> 00:19:40,511 - I've always wanted to do this. - That's a lot of lights, Dad. 197 00:19:40,679 --> 00:19:43,598 I'm sure it's a lot of work too, but if I'm out in the cold... 198 00:19:43,765 --> 00:19:46,934 ...and I'm committed to decorating the house, I'm gonna do it right... 199 00:19:47,102 --> 00:19:49,562 ...and I'm gonna do it big. 200 00:19:49,813 --> 00:19:52,440 You want something you can be proud of, don't you? 201 00:19:52,608 --> 00:19:55,234 - Yeah, I guess so. - Sure you do. 202 00:19:56,278 --> 00:19:59,780 - You think you might be overdoing it? - When did I last overdo anything? 203 00:19:59,781 --> 00:20:02,241 - You think you might be overdoing it? - When did I last overdo anything? 204 00:20:05,370 --> 00:20:06,412 Come on, unravel these. 205 00:20:08,624 --> 00:20:12,251 You have to check every bulb. Got a little knot here. You work on that. 206 00:20:15,214 --> 00:20:17,340 I'll get the other box. 207 00:20:30,103 --> 00:20:32,772 - I hope he falls and breaks his neck. - I'm sure he'll fall. 208 00:20:32,940 --> 00:20:35,775 I don't think we're lucky enough to have him break his neck. 209 00:20:39,112 --> 00:20:40,988 Let's go. 210 00:21:07,849 --> 00:21:11,352 These winds appear to be playing havoc with that giant float. 211 00:21:11,353 --> 00:21:12,645 These winds appear to be playing havoc with that giant float. 212 00:21:12,813 --> 00:21:15,940 At this point I can't even see the nuts. They must have blown away. 213 00:21:17,359 --> 00:21:21,320 But nothing is going to dampen the spirit of this holiday crowd, I can tell you that. 214 00:21:21,488 --> 00:21:25,741 Oh, here they are. Here come the nuts. These look like giant nuts to me. 215 00:21:25,909 --> 00:21:29,453 Yeah, I'm reminded of a couple years ago, the winds were so high here... 216 00:21:29,621 --> 00:21:32,039 ...we almost lost Santa's reindeer. 217 00:21:32,207 --> 00:21:35,710 Rudolph's red nose took out a third floor window at Marshall Field's. 218 00:21:35,711 --> 00:21:37,044 Rudolph's red nose took out a third floor window at Marshall Field's. 219 00:21:37,212 --> 00:21:41,382 They better keep their eyes out on their nuts before someone gets hurt. 220 00:22:41,151 --> 00:22:44,445 Would it be indecent to ask the grandparents to stay at a hotel? 221 00:22:44,613 --> 00:22:46,072 Audrey. 222 00:22:46,239 --> 00:22:48,949 Well, can we at least forbid them to answer the phone? 223 00:22:49,117 --> 00:22:53,037 Alex called this morning. Grandpa Clark told him I couldn't come to the phone... 224 00:22:53,205 --> 00:22:57,541 - ...because I was going to the bathroom. - We're all making sacrifices, Audrey. 225 00:22:57,709 --> 00:22:59,877 Everybody? Do you sleep with your brother? 226 00:23:00,045 --> 00:23:02,463 Do you know how sick and twisted that is, Mom? 227 00:23:02,756 --> 00:23:07,009 Well, I'm sleeping with your father. Don't be so dramatic. 228 00:23:07,594 --> 00:23:09,845 I have nightmares about what he does in his bed... 229 00:23:10,013 --> 00:23:11,889 ...when I'm not lying right next to him. 230 00:23:12,099 --> 00:23:15,601 Well, I don't know what to say except it's Christmas and we're all in misery. 231 00:23:15,602 --> 00:23:18,187 Well, I don't know what to say except it's Christmas and we're all in misery. 232 00:23:18,605 --> 00:23:21,816 Ellen, are you smoking again? 233 00:23:21,983 --> 00:23:24,360 No! 234 00:23:31,159 --> 00:23:32,451 Ow! 235 00:23:34,621 --> 00:23:36,997 Hey, Dad, where do you want these reindeer? 236 00:23:37,416 --> 00:23:40,084 Just put them down there on the lawn, Russ. 237 00:23:41,962 --> 00:23:43,796 I can't find the Santa Claus. 238 00:23:45,215 --> 00:23:48,843 It's in the basement. We'll get it later. 239 00:24:44,024 --> 00:24:47,526 - Clark. Dinner's ready. - Okay, honey. I'm starving. 240 00:24:47,527 --> 00:24:50,112 - Clark. Dinner's ready. - Okay, honey. I'm starving. 241 00:25:08,590 --> 00:25:10,758 Obviously something had to break the window! 242 00:25:10,926 --> 00:25:13,886 Something had to hit the stereo! 243 00:25:22,729 --> 00:25:26,232 - And why is the carpet all wet, Todd? - I don't know, Margo. 244 00:25:26,233 --> 00:25:28,734 - And why is the carpet all wet, Todd? - I don't know, Margo. 245 00:25:35,951 --> 00:25:38,953 You want to hurry this up? I'm freezing my baguettes off. 246 00:25:39,120 --> 00:25:41,664 Two hundred and fifty strands of light... 247 00:25:41,831 --> 00:25:43,749 ...100 individual bulbs per strand... 248 00:25:43,917 --> 00:25:47,503 ...for a grand total of 25,000 imported Italian twinkle lights. 249 00:25:49,923 --> 00:25:53,008 - Twenty-five thousand. - I hope nobody I know drives by... 250 00:25:53,176 --> 00:25:57,054 ...and sees me standing in the yard, staring at the house in my pajamas. 251 00:25:57,222 --> 00:25:59,932 If they know your dad, they won't think anything of it. 252 00:26:00,433 --> 00:26:01,934 Fire it up, Dad! 253 00:26:03,103 --> 00:26:07,606 I dedicate this house to the Griswold family Christmas. 254 00:26:07,857 --> 00:26:09,441 Aw... 255 00:26:10,569 --> 00:26:12,570 Drum roll, please. 256 00:26:14,614 --> 00:26:17,491 - Drum roll. - Oh, uh.... 257 00:26:48,398 --> 00:26:49,898 Beautiful, Clark. 258 00:26:50,233 --> 00:26:52,860 Talk about pissing your money away. 259 00:26:53,820 --> 00:26:58,240 I hope you kids see what a silly waste of resources this was. 260 00:26:58,408 --> 00:27:02,494 - He worked really hard, Grandma. - So do washing machines. 261 00:27:07,542 --> 00:27:09,710 Let's get in where it's warm. 262 00:27:09,878 --> 00:27:13,380 Clark, baby, I can picture it in my mind. And it's breathtaking. 263 00:27:13,381 --> 00:27:15,674 Clark, baby, I can picture it in my mind. And it's breathtaking. 264 00:27:18,011 --> 00:27:21,430 - Thanks, Mom. - It's probably a bad bulb, son. 265 00:27:21,598 --> 00:27:24,850 You know, if one goes out, the whole thing doesn't work. 266 00:27:25,018 --> 00:27:28,354 Now, if I were you I'd personally check each one. 267 00:27:28,521 --> 00:27:31,523 - I did that, Dad. I can't-- - Now, look, if you need any help... 268 00:27:31,691 --> 00:27:36,028 - ...give me a holler. I'll be asleep. - Thanks. 269 00:27:36,196 --> 00:27:39,698 Sorry, Daddy. It looks good even if they're not lit. 270 00:27:39,699 --> 00:27:41,492 Sorry, Daddy. It looks good even if they're not lit. 271 00:27:42,243 --> 00:27:43,577 Thank you, sweetheart. 272 00:27:50,251 --> 00:27:53,754 - Well, Dad, it was a good try. - Thanks, Russ. 273 00:27:53,755 --> 00:27:55,089 - Well, Dad, it was a good try. - Thanks, Russ. 274 00:27:55,256 --> 00:27:57,049 - Russ. - Yeah? 275 00:27:57,217 --> 00:28:00,719 - We checked every bulb, didn't we? - Oh, yeah. Yeah. I'm sure of it. 276 00:28:00,720 --> 00:28:03,222 - We checked every bulb, didn't we? - Oh, yeah. Yeah. I'm sure of it. 277 00:28:03,890 --> 00:28:08,060 I thought so. Well, maybe we ought to go up there and just get-- 278 00:28:08,228 --> 00:28:12,439 Jeez! Look at the time. I gotta get to bed. 279 00:28:12,607 --> 00:28:15,192 Brush my teeth. Feed the hog. 280 00:28:15,360 --> 00:28:19,655 I've still got some homework to do. Do the laundry. Wash the car. 281 00:28:19,823 --> 00:28:22,574 I've still got those bills to pay.... 282 00:28:22,742 --> 00:28:27,246 Clark, don't stay up too late. 283 00:28:49,018 --> 00:28:52,604 Get off me, you little fungus. 284 00:30:52,559 --> 00:30:55,727 Where the hell is that cold coming from? 285 00:30:55,895 --> 00:30:59,648 Ooh.... Oh. 286 00:31:10,451 --> 00:31:12,411 Hey! 287 00:31:14,372 --> 00:31:16,039 Hey. 288 00:31:17,083 --> 00:31:18,125 Hello? 289 00:31:18,293 --> 00:31:20,961 - I need to get a few more-- - Pay by check. 290 00:31:21,129 --> 00:31:25,507 - I will. Not a card? - If they return it, it's a hassle.... 291 00:31:25,675 --> 00:31:27,926 Russ! 292 00:31:31,764 --> 00:31:35,058 - Help! - Daddy, is Clark coming? 293 00:31:35,226 --> 00:31:37,269 - How would I know? - Is he in the house? 294 00:31:37,437 --> 00:31:40,272 If he isn't farting around with his lights, he must be inside. 295 00:31:40,440 --> 00:31:43,191 I'm sure he wants to come shopping and have lunch with us. 296 00:31:43,359 --> 00:31:46,862 He's got another car. He can drive. I have to eat so I can take my back pills. 297 00:31:46,863 --> 00:31:49,281 He's got another car. He can drive. I have to eat so I can take my back pills. 298 00:32:19,812 --> 00:32:22,564 Ellen! Hey! Ellen! 299 00:35:50,356 --> 00:35:53,859 I want to take off these clothes, sit with a glass of wine and kiss your body. 300 00:35:53,860 --> 00:35:55,318 I want to take off these clothes, sit with a glass of wine and kiss your body. 301 00:35:55,486 --> 00:35:57,737 - After you shower, of course. - Of course. 302 00:36:14,422 --> 00:36:16,631 - Sparky? - Yes, honey. 303 00:36:26,142 --> 00:36:29,728 Are you out here for a reason, or are you just avoiding the family? 304 00:36:29,896 --> 00:36:33,440 No. I still have a couple hundred more bulbs to check. 305 00:36:33,816 --> 00:36:37,903 In the meantime, I can light the Santa, the deer and the Merry Christmas sign. 306 00:36:38,738 --> 00:36:41,698 That should look good. Ready? 307 00:36:41,866 --> 00:36:45,368 - You want me to do the drum roll thing? - No, it's okay. Here goes nothing. 308 00:36:45,369 --> 00:36:47,078 - You want me to do the drum roll thing? - No, it's okay. Here goes nothing. 309 00:36:53,252 --> 00:36:55,587 I don't understand it. 310 00:36:56,589 --> 00:37:00,133 The house lights don't work, the flood lights don't work. 311 00:37:02,094 --> 00:37:03,762 Is it plugged in? 312 00:37:03,930 --> 00:37:06,598 Do you honestly think I would check thousands of lights... 313 00:37:06,766 --> 00:37:09,017 ...if the extension cord wasn't plugged in? 314 00:37:11,771 --> 00:37:14,606 You used more than one cord, didn't you? 315 00:37:16,651 --> 00:37:20,153 Maybe the kids have been fooling around with it. I'll check in back. 316 00:37:20,154 --> 00:37:21,238 Maybe the kids have been fooling around with it. I'll check in back. 317 00:37:41,467 --> 00:37:43,468 Clark! 318 00:37:44,262 --> 00:37:46,638 Todd! What's that light?! 319 00:37:47,848 --> 00:37:49,224 Clark! 320 00:37:50,142 --> 00:37:51,810 Honey, I think I know what's wrong. 321 00:38:08,369 --> 00:38:10,203 I can't see. 322 00:38:10,371 --> 00:38:13,164 No, no, no-- Oh, my God-- 323 00:38:28,097 --> 00:38:30,515 This ought to do it. 324 00:38:42,695 --> 00:38:44,029 Ellen, I fixed it! 325 00:38:45,823 --> 00:38:47,699 - Oh, right! - Oh, God! 326 00:38:47,867 --> 00:38:51,369 Everybody! Come out quick! Look at the lights! 327 00:38:59,795 --> 00:39:02,630 - Get a towel. - Okay! 328 00:39:05,384 --> 00:39:08,636 - Wait. I don't believe this! - What's all the yelling about? 329 00:39:09,055 --> 00:39:12,557 What?! But-- What's going on here? 330 00:39:14,685 --> 00:39:16,811 Twenty-five thousand twinkle lights. 331 00:39:18,731 --> 00:39:21,816 - What's he doing, Clark? - I haven't the foggiest. 332 00:39:21,984 --> 00:39:24,069 What? 333 00:39:24,236 --> 00:39:27,739 What the hell? What is wrong with this? 334 00:39:27,740 --> 00:39:28,907 What the hell? What is wrong with this? 335 00:39:30,409 --> 00:39:33,411 Damn it! Damn it! 336 00:39:36,457 --> 00:39:39,542 You goddamn light! 337 00:39:57,436 --> 00:39:58,770 Go! Go! Do it! 338 00:40:10,950 --> 00:40:13,284 Dad, it's beautiful! 339 00:40:28,884 --> 00:40:30,468 Oh, my carpet! 340 00:40:39,478 --> 00:40:42,981 - Oh, Clark, it's so lovely. - Mom. 341 00:40:42,982 --> 00:40:44,482 - Oh, Clark, it's so lovely. - Mom. 342 00:40:45,276 --> 00:40:49,612 You deserve a home like this to spend Christmas in. 343 00:40:51,240 --> 00:40:54,742 - It's a beaut, Clark. It's a beaut. - Dad, Dad, Dad. 344 00:40:54,743 --> 00:40:55,952 - It's a beaut, Clark. It's a beaut. - Dad, Dad, Dad. 345 00:40:56,120 --> 00:40:58,913 You taught me everything I know about exterior illumination. 346 00:40:59,081 --> 00:41:01,833 Thank you, thank you. 347 00:41:02,001 --> 00:41:04,961 Russ. Audrey. 348 00:41:07,673 --> 00:41:10,884 Dear, dear Francis. 349 00:41:12,845 --> 00:41:15,555 I hope this adds to your enjoyment of the holidays. 350 00:41:15,723 --> 00:41:19,559 - It's just wonderful. - Yeah. 351 00:41:20,436 --> 00:41:23,938 Arthur. Art. 352 00:41:25,191 --> 00:41:26,483 Dad. 353 00:41:26,650 --> 00:41:31,154 - Thanks for being here. - The little lights are not twinkling. 354 00:41:31,322 --> 00:41:34,365 I know, Art, and thanks for noticing. 355 00:41:38,579 --> 00:41:40,705 The house sure does look swell, Clark. 356 00:41:41,081 --> 00:41:44,584 Thanks, Eddie. I hope it enhances your holiday spirit. Dear Cathrine. 357 00:41:44,585 --> 00:41:47,045 Thanks, Eddie. I hope it enhances your holiday spirit. Dear Cathrine. 358 00:41:47,379 --> 00:41:49,881 Eddie? 359 00:41:50,216 --> 00:41:53,718 - Oh, the house is gorgeous, Clark. - Eddie? 360 00:41:53,719 --> 00:41:55,261 - Oh, the house is gorgeous, Clark. - Eddie? 361 00:41:55,429 --> 00:41:58,723 I hope you didn't do this all on our account, Clark. 362 00:41:58,891 --> 00:42:02,393 Kids, come on out here and see what Uncle Clark's done to the house. 363 00:42:02,561 --> 00:42:04,062 Eddie? 364 00:42:11,070 --> 00:42:12,820 Eddie? 365 00:42:14,740 --> 00:42:18,785 Yeah. If you don't remember, this here is Rocky. 366 00:42:19,161 --> 00:42:22,413 - You got a kiss for me? - Better take a rain check on that. 367 00:42:22,581 --> 00:42:24,916 He's got a lip fungus they ain't identified yet. 368 00:42:28,128 --> 00:42:32,298 - You remember Ruby Sue? - Oh, yeah. 369 00:42:32,550 --> 00:42:34,425 Oh, my gosh! 370 00:42:36,303 --> 00:42:39,430 - Her eyes aren't crossed anymore. - That's something, ain't it? 371 00:42:39,598 --> 00:42:41,224 Falls in a well, eyes go crossed. 372 00:42:41,392 --> 00:42:44,185 She gets kicked by a mule, they go back to normal. 373 00:42:44,353 --> 00:42:45,895 I don't know. 374 00:42:48,941 --> 00:42:51,943 And this here's our pride and joy. Snots. 375 00:42:53,612 --> 00:42:54,696 Pretty name, Ed. 376 00:42:54,863 --> 00:42:57,782 We named him that because he's got this sinus condition. 377 00:42:58,617 --> 00:43:01,953 Snots, you roll over and let Uncle Clark scratch your belly. 378 00:43:04,123 --> 00:43:06,958 You ain't never seen a set on a dog like this one's got, Clark. 379 00:43:07,126 --> 00:43:09,711 - Oh, Ed. - That's okay, Eddie. 380 00:43:10,254 --> 00:43:12,839 That's something, ain't it? You pet him... 381 00:43:13,007 --> 00:43:15,216 ...and he'll love you till the day you die. 382 00:43:15,384 --> 00:43:18,303 I really shouldn't. My hands are all chapped. 383 00:43:18,470 --> 00:43:22,390 We were gonna call, but Eddie wanted to make it a surprise. 384 00:43:22,558 --> 00:43:26,311 - Yeah. You surprised? - Surprised, Eddie? 385 00:43:26,478 --> 00:43:29,981 If I woke up with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised. 386 00:43:29,982 --> 00:43:31,149 If I woke up with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised. 387 00:43:33,485 --> 00:43:36,571 We have plenty of room. 388 00:43:37,489 --> 00:43:41,200 We have plenty of towels. We have plenty of everything. 389 00:43:42,703 --> 00:43:47,165 We're pretty well set up here in the RV. It's a little tight... 390 00:43:47,333 --> 00:43:50,877 - ...but we didn't come to impose. - Hell, there's plenty of room. 391 00:43:51,045 --> 00:43:53,755 - Quit being so damn polite, Ed. - Oh.... 392 00:43:53,922 --> 00:43:57,634 Cathrine and I, we're pretty comfy in there, you know. 393 00:43:57,801 --> 00:44:01,179 But maybe you wouldn't mind the youngsters shacking up with you. 394 00:44:01,347 --> 00:44:04,849 After that long drive, we could use a little private time together. 395 00:44:04,850 --> 00:44:06,601 After that long drive, we could use a little private time together. 396 00:44:06,769 --> 00:44:08,645 Why don't you get the kids' things? 397 00:44:08,812 --> 00:44:11,606 Don't forget the rubber sheets and gerbils. 398 00:44:11,774 --> 00:44:14,359 Come on. I wanna show you the home. 399 00:44:14,526 --> 00:44:17,528 Audrey, help me get some hot chocolate. It's cold. 400 00:44:51,730 --> 00:44:55,942 That's a honey of a tree, Clark. Is it real? 401 00:44:56,110 --> 00:44:58,820 Yeah. Yeah, I dug it out of the ground myself. 402 00:44:58,987 --> 00:45:02,573 - Is that a fact? - Hey, get out of there. Snots! Yo! 403 00:45:02,741 --> 00:45:06,119 Don't worry about it, Clark. A little tree water ain't gonna hurt him. 404 00:45:06,286 --> 00:45:08,996 Before we left, he drank a half a quart of Pennzoil. 405 00:45:09,164 --> 00:45:12,667 Boy, when he lifted his leg the next morning.... 406 00:45:12,668 --> 00:45:14,293 Boy, when he lifted his leg the next morning.... 407 00:45:14,461 --> 00:45:18,005 If he drinks the water, the tree's gonna dry up. Come on, out of there. 408 00:45:18,173 --> 00:45:20,258 - Snots. - Out, out, out. 409 00:45:20,426 --> 00:45:22,301 Get out of there. Get in the kitchen now. 410 00:45:22,469 --> 00:45:25,638 Get in the kitchen there and get you something to eat. Go on. 411 00:45:25,806 --> 00:45:29,308 He's cute, ain't he? Problem is, he's got a bit of Mississippi leg hound in him. 412 00:45:29,309 --> 00:45:31,436 He's cute, ain't he? Problem is, he's got a bit of Mississippi leg hound in him. 413 00:45:31,603 --> 00:45:35,106 If the mood catches him right, he'll grab your leg and just go to town. 414 00:45:35,107 --> 00:45:36,607 If the mood catches him right, he'll grab your leg and just go to town. 415 00:45:36,775 --> 00:45:40,278 Don't want him around if you're wearing short pants, if you know what I mean. 416 00:45:40,279 --> 00:45:41,404 Don't want him around if you're wearing short pants, if you know what I mean. 417 00:45:41,989 --> 00:45:45,491 A word of warning, though. If he lays into you, it's best to just let him finish. 418 00:45:45,492 --> 00:45:47,952 A word of warning, though. If he lays into you, it's best to just let him finish. 419 00:45:49,121 --> 00:45:53,416 I can't believe you're actually standing here in my living room, Eddie. 420 00:45:53,584 --> 00:45:57,837 - Never thought the day would come. - Yeah, I'm excited about it too. 421 00:45:58,005 --> 00:46:01,716 It's a crying shame the older kids couldn't make it. 422 00:46:04,470 --> 00:46:08,765 I'll get that. Don't worry about it. Let me get it. 423 00:46:11,185 --> 00:46:14,687 Yeah, I got the daughter in the clinic, getting cured off the Wild Turkey. 424 00:46:14,688 --> 00:46:16,147 Yeah, I got the daughter in the clinic, getting cured off the Wild Turkey. 425 00:46:16,315 --> 00:46:19,817 And the older boy, bless his soul, is preparing for his career. 426 00:46:19,818 --> 00:46:20,860 And the older boy, bless his soul, is preparing for his career. 427 00:46:21,028 --> 00:46:22,487 - College? - Carnival. 428 00:46:23,781 --> 00:46:26,157 - You gotta be proud. - Oh, yeah. 429 00:46:26,325 --> 00:46:30,411 Yeah, last season he was a pixie-dust spreader on the Tilt-O-Whirl. 430 00:46:30,579 --> 00:46:32,330 He thinks maybe next year... 431 00:46:32,498 --> 00:46:35,750 ...he'll be guessing people's weight or barking for the Yak Woman. 432 00:46:37,961 --> 00:46:39,587 - You ever see her? - No. 433 00:46:39,755 --> 00:46:43,257 She's got these big horns growing right out above her ears. 434 00:46:43,425 --> 00:46:47,011 Yeah, she's ugly as sin, but a sweet gal. And a hell of a good cook. 435 00:46:47,179 --> 00:46:49,722 Can I refill your eggnog? Get you something to eat? 436 00:46:50,098 --> 00:46:52,350 Drive you out to nowhere and leave you for dead? 437 00:46:52,518 --> 00:46:56,687 No, I'm doing just fine, Clark. Just glad to be here. 438 00:46:56,855 --> 00:47:00,358 Yeah. So when did you get the tenement on wheels? 439 00:47:00,359 --> 00:47:01,692 Yeah. So when did you get the tenement on wheels? 440 00:47:01,860 --> 00:47:04,946 Oh, that there? That's an RV. 441 00:47:05,113 --> 00:47:09,200 Yeah, yeah. I borrowed it off a buddy of mine. He took my house... 442 00:47:09,368 --> 00:47:13,621 ...I took the RV. It's a good-looking vehicle, ain't it? 443 00:47:13,789 --> 00:47:16,040 Yeah. Looks so nice parked in the driveway. 444 00:47:16,208 --> 00:47:20,336 Yeah, it sure does. But don't you go falling in love with it now. 445 00:47:20,504 --> 00:47:23,714 Because we're taking it with us when we leave here next month. 446 00:47:33,308 --> 00:47:36,727 Well, get Ed Leftic up here to look over these figures. 447 00:47:36,895 --> 00:47:39,438 Oh, retooling. That's a great excuse. 448 00:47:41,066 --> 00:47:44,735 Retooling?! I'll retool you! 449 00:47:46,446 --> 00:47:49,991 - Mr. Shirley, merry Christmas. - Who's that? 450 00:47:50,993 --> 00:47:53,411 - It's me, Clark Griswold. - What do you want? 451 00:47:55,414 --> 00:47:59,667 My wife and I came up with a little something special. It's a gift. 452 00:48:00,836 --> 00:48:04,422 Put it over there with the others, greaseball. 453 00:48:12,097 --> 00:48:13,848 Oh. 454 00:48:14,016 --> 00:48:18,477 By the way, I hope my report helped out at the trade show. 455 00:48:23,442 --> 00:48:26,068 I'm sure it did, Grisball. 456 00:48:26,236 --> 00:48:29,947 Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm in the middle of an important call. 457 00:48:30,449 --> 00:48:33,659 Get me somebody. Anybody. 458 00:48:34,828 --> 00:48:36,329 And get me somebody while I wait. 459 00:48:49,551 --> 00:48:53,054 This is a new silicon-based kitchen lubricant my company's working on. 460 00:48:53,055 --> 00:48:54,931 This is a new silicon-based kitchen lubricant my company's working on. 461 00:48:55,098 --> 00:48:58,851 It creates a surface 500 times more slippery than any cooking oil. 462 00:48:59,019 --> 00:49:01,354 We're gonna fly down the hill with this stuff. 463 00:49:01,772 --> 00:49:05,191 - Has anyone ever used it on a sled? - Not that I know of, Russ. 464 00:49:07,986 --> 00:49:11,322 Well, don't go putting none of that stuff on my sled, Clark. 465 00:49:11,490 --> 00:49:14,617 - You know that metal plate in my head? - How could I forget? 466 00:49:14,785 --> 00:49:18,579 I had to have it replaced because every time Cathrine revved up the microwave... 467 00:49:18,747 --> 00:49:21,832 ...I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for a half-hour or so. 468 00:49:22,000 --> 00:49:25,503 Over at the V.A. they replaced it with a plastic one and it ain't as strong, so.... 469 00:49:25,504 --> 00:49:27,421 Over at the V.A. they replaced it with a plastic one and it ain't as strong, so.... 470 00:49:27,589 --> 00:49:30,841 I don't know if I ought to go down no hill with nothing between... 471 00:49:31,009 --> 00:49:34,178 ...the ground and my brain but a piece of government plastic. 472 00:49:36,014 --> 00:49:39,517 - You really think it matters, Eddie? - The plate runs underneath my part here. 473 00:49:39,518 --> 00:49:42,186 - You really think it matters, Eddie? - The plate runs underneath my part here. 474 00:49:42,813 --> 00:49:45,189 Over here it's, you know, nothing. 475 00:49:45,357 --> 00:49:48,859 But here, if this gets dented, then my hair just ain't gonna look right. 476 00:49:48,860 --> 00:49:50,194 But here, if this gets dented, then my hair just ain't gonna look right. 477 00:49:52,906 --> 00:49:56,409 Yeah, I know the feeling. I better try this first, see how it works. 478 00:49:56,410 --> 00:49:58,035 Yeah, I know the feeling. I better try this first, see how it works. 479 00:49:58,203 --> 00:50:01,414 - You be careful there. - There's nothing to worry about. 480 00:50:02,290 --> 00:50:06,585 Going for a new amateur recreational saucer-sled land-speed record: 481 00:50:07,004 --> 00:50:09,547 Clark W. Griswold Jr.! 482 00:50:10,173 --> 00:50:14,593 Remember, don't try this at home, kids. I am a professional. 483 00:50:16,596 --> 00:50:20,099 Later, dudes. Let her rip. Hang 10. 484 00:50:20,100 --> 00:50:21,434 Later, dudes. Let her rip. Hang 10. 485 00:50:22,394 --> 00:50:24,895 Oh, shit! 486 00:50:26,565 --> 00:50:27,732 Oh.... 487 00:50:35,407 --> 00:50:36,991 Hey! Hey! Hey! Ah! 488 00:50:37,868 --> 00:50:41,078 This is great! It's great! It's great! I'm dead! 489 00:50:42,789 --> 00:50:44,081 No, not-- Hey! 490 00:51:00,599 --> 00:51:02,016 Look out! 491 00:51:26,792 --> 00:51:28,501 Bingo. 492 00:51:39,971 --> 00:51:43,474 - Clark? You staying late? - Oh, hi, Bill. Yeah. 493 00:51:43,475 --> 00:51:44,809 - Clark? You staying late? - Oh, hi, Bill. Yeah. 494 00:51:44,976 --> 00:51:48,813 Just finishing up a few things. Last day of the year for me. 495 00:51:48,980 --> 00:51:52,274 Well, have a really Merry Christmas. 496 00:51:53,193 --> 00:51:54,568 You too. 497 00:51:56,988 --> 00:52:00,199 - Are you okay? - Yeah. 498 00:52:01,827 --> 00:52:04,411 Bill, did you get your bonus yet? 499 00:52:04,579 --> 00:52:06,872 I just talked to my son. 500 00:52:07,040 --> 00:52:10,167 Company messenger brought something to the house. I guess that's it. 501 00:52:10,335 --> 00:52:14,839 Nothing like waiting till the last minute, huh? Did you get yours? 502 00:52:17,050 --> 00:52:19,385 If it isn't at the house, I'm sure it's on its way. 503 00:52:19,761 --> 00:52:24,014 If I don't get that bonus, I'm in it up to here. 504 00:52:24,182 --> 00:52:26,559 Don't sweat it. It'll come. Merry Christmas. 505 00:52:27,144 --> 00:52:29,228 Same to you. 506 00:53:45,555 --> 00:53:46,597 Me? 507 00:54:39,985 --> 00:54:42,152 Santy Claus! 508 00:54:42,320 --> 00:54:44,697 Uncle Clark, are you Santy Claus? 509 00:54:44,864 --> 00:54:48,033 What? Oh. 510 00:54:49,619 --> 00:54:51,829 You scared me. 511 00:54:53,206 --> 00:54:55,082 No, I'm not Santa Claus. 512 00:54:58,670 --> 00:55:01,297 I wish I was. 513 00:55:01,923 --> 00:55:04,758 What are you doing up, sweetheart? 514 00:55:06,011 --> 00:55:08,178 - Rocky bit my thumb. - What? 515 00:55:08,346 --> 00:55:11,181 Him's nervous because Christmas is almost here. 516 00:55:12,392 --> 00:55:15,602 - Nervous or excited? - Shitting bricks. 517 00:55:17,022 --> 00:55:20,858 - You shouldn't use that word. - Sorry. Shitting rocks. 518 00:55:21,860 --> 00:55:23,736 I see. Good. 519 00:55:23,903 --> 00:55:27,823 Him's nervous because he don't know if he's getting nothing. 520 00:55:30,410 --> 00:55:33,537 I don't think he should be nervous and you shouldn't be either. 521 00:55:33,705 --> 00:55:36,373 Because if you're good, Santa knows it. 522 00:55:37,250 --> 00:55:41,545 If you believe in him and you believe in your mom and you believe in your.... 523 00:55:41,713 --> 00:55:44,048 Your dad. 524 00:55:44,215 --> 00:55:48,719 If you've been good all year round, Santa is gonna bring you something. 525 00:55:49,554 --> 00:55:52,931 Sometimes I think all that Santa crap is just bull. 526 00:55:53,099 --> 00:55:56,477 If he was so real, how come we didn't get squat last year? 527 00:55:56,644 --> 00:55:59,313 We didn't do nothing wrong and we still got the shaft. 528 00:56:00,190 --> 00:56:04,151 Well, I happen to know for a fact that Santa Claus is real. 529 00:56:04,903 --> 00:56:07,404 And in the next couple of days... 530 00:56:07,572 --> 00:56:09,740 ...somehow I'm gonna prove it to you. 531 00:56:11,201 --> 00:56:14,244 You know, every year he comes to our house. I've seen him. 532 00:56:15,580 --> 00:56:19,333 - That's true? - Cross my heart. 533 00:56:19,834 --> 00:56:21,502 So.... 534 00:56:22,337 --> 00:56:25,714 - It's good you came to stay with us. - I love it here. 535 00:56:25,882 --> 00:56:28,592 You don't gotta put on your coat to go to the bathroom. 536 00:56:28,760 --> 00:56:31,261 And your house is always parked in the same place. 537 00:56:34,933 --> 00:56:37,893 I think you'd better go back to bed now. 538 00:56:39,562 --> 00:56:42,606 Okay. How come you ain't sleeping? 539 00:56:44,943 --> 00:56:48,070 Oh, I was just looking for something. 540 00:56:50,740 --> 00:56:54,243 You didn't notice if a man came here and delivered a letter today, did you? 541 00:56:54,244 --> 00:56:55,369 You didn't notice if a man came here and delivered a letter today, did you? 542 00:56:55,537 --> 00:56:57,579 Nope. How come? 543 00:56:57,747 --> 00:57:00,082 Oh, just wondering. 544 00:57:05,004 --> 00:57:07,506 Now you get back to bed. Come on. 545 00:57:13,972 --> 00:57:16,515 Uncle Clark, are you sure you ain't Santy Claus? 546 00:57:18,143 --> 00:57:19,935 I'm sure. 547 00:57:24,274 --> 00:57:27,443 I can't even afford to be an elf. 548 00:57:36,870 --> 00:57:41,373 Two containers of K rations! Two containers of K rations! 549 00:57:41,541 --> 00:57:45,002 Then I had Spam until it was coming out of my ears. 550 00:57:45,170 --> 00:57:47,171 Oh, bullshit! 551 00:57:56,764 --> 00:58:00,267 - Aren't you having any breakfast? - I'm not in the mood. 552 00:58:00,268 --> 00:58:01,351 - Aren't you having any breakfast? - I'm not in the mood. 553 00:58:01,895 --> 00:58:04,354 What are you looking at? 554 00:58:05,106 --> 00:58:08,275 Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn. 555 00:58:08,443 --> 00:58:11,612 The clean, cool chill of the holiday air. 556 00:58:11,779 --> 00:58:15,449 And an asshole in his bathrobe emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer. 557 00:58:20,705 --> 00:58:23,582 - Shitter was full! - Yeah. 558 00:58:23,750 --> 00:58:26,502 - Have you checked our shitters, honey? - Clark, please. 559 00:58:26,669 --> 00:58:29,087 - He doesn't know any better. - It's illegal. 560 00:58:29,255 --> 00:58:33,425 It's a sewer. If it fills with gas, I pity the person who lights a match near it. 561 00:58:57,116 --> 00:59:00,619 Merry Christmas. Shitter was full. 562 00:59:00,620 --> 00:59:01,787 Merry Christmas. Shitter was full. 563 00:59:15,718 --> 00:59:19,555 I have a suspicion Cathrine and Eddie don't have presents for their kids. 564 00:59:20,098 --> 00:59:23,600 Rocky said something about Eddie telling him Santa wasn't coming this year. 565 00:59:23,601 --> 00:59:25,519 Rocky said something about Eddie telling him Santa wasn't coming this year. 566 00:59:26,354 --> 00:59:29,940 Yeah. Ruby Sue said something like that last night. 567 00:59:30,108 --> 00:59:33,860 - How can they have nothing for the kids? - He's been out of work for seven years. 568 00:59:34,028 --> 00:59:36,154 In seven years he couldn't find a job? 569 00:59:36,322 --> 00:59:40,450 Cathrine says he's been holding out for a management position. 570 00:59:44,122 --> 00:59:47,624 - So how's the live-bait business, Eddie? - Well, I can't complain. How you doing? 571 00:59:47,625 --> 00:59:49,501 - So how's the live-bait business, Eddie? - Well, I can't complain. How you doing? 572 00:59:49,669 --> 00:59:51,461 Not that good, actually. 573 00:59:51,629 --> 00:59:54,965 Your company kill off all them people over in India not long ago? 574 00:59:55,133 --> 00:59:58,635 No. We missed out on that one. You're pretty set so far as shopping goes? 575 00:59:58,636 --> 01:00:00,804 No. We missed out on that one. You're pretty set so far as shopping goes? 576 01:00:00,972 --> 01:00:04,474 Well, I can't lie to you, Clark. The truth is, things ain't going too good at all. 577 01:00:04,475 --> 01:00:06,268 Well, I can't lie to you, Clark. The truth is, things ain't going too good at all. 578 01:00:06,436 --> 01:00:09,938 You know, I told you I borrowed the RV from my neighbor? Nope. It's mine. 579 01:00:09,939 --> 01:00:11,732 You know, I told you I borrowed the RV from my neighbor? Nope. It's mine. 580 01:00:11,899 --> 01:00:15,402 We live in it. I had to sell off the house, the barn, the 10 acres. 581 01:00:15,403 --> 01:00:17,738 We live in it. I had to sell off the house, the barn, the 10 acres. 582 01:00:17,905 --> 01:00:21,408 All I kept was a 50-foot plot, the pigs and the worm farm. 583 01:00:21,409 --> 01:00:24,328 All I kept was a 50-foot plot, the pigs and the worm farm. 584 01:00:24,829 --> 01:00:27,205 If only I had back the money that me and Cathrine... 585 01:00:27,373 --> 01:00:31,835 ...sent that TV preacher that was screwing the hockey players. 586 01:00:32,003 --> 01:00:33,879 What about the kids? 587 01:00:34,047 --> 01:00:37,716 - His kids can fend for themselves. - No, your kids. 588 01:00:37,884 --> 01:00:41,386 Oh, well, that's the bitch of it. See, I don't know what to do. 589 01:00:41,554 --> 01:00:45,057 We coasted into town on fumes. The gas money give out in Gurnee. 590 01:00:45,058 --> 01:00:46,767 We coasted into town on fumes. The gas money give out in Gurnee. 591 01:00:47,602 --> 01:00:49,478 Eddie.... 592 01:00:50,480 --> 01:00:53,940 Ellen and I want to help you give the kids a nice Christmas. 593 01:00:54,108 --> 01:00:57,569 - Clark, I couldn't do that. - No, no, we insist. 594 01:00:57,737 --> 01:01:00,238 Oh, no. I'm not one for charity, now. 595 01:01:00,406 --> 01:01:03,909 Oh, I know that, Eddie. This isn't charity. It's family. 596 01:01:06,204 --> 01:01:09,414 - I don't know about that. - Now, come on. 597 01:01:09,582 --> 01:01:13,377 If you don't tell me what they want, I'll go out and get it on my own. 598 01:01:15,213 --> 01:01:19,383 Oh, boy. This is a surprise, Clark. 599 01:01:20,009 --> 01:01:23,512 This is just a real nice surprise. Just a real nice surprise. 600 01:01:23,513 --> 01:01:25,806 This is just a real nice surprise. Just a real nice surprise. 601 01:01:30,895 --> 01:01:34,940 Here's a little list. Alphabetical, starting with Cathrine. 602 01:01:35,108 --> 01:01:39,069 And if it wouldn't be too much, I'd like to get something for you, Clark. 603 01:01:39,237 --> 01:01:42,280 Something really nice. 604 01:01:59,048 --> 01:02:03,051 - Is your house on fire, Clark? - No, those are Christmas lights. 605 01:02:03,219 --> 01:02:06,596 - Don't throw me down, Clark. - I'll try not to, Aunt Bethany. 606 01:02:07,265 --> 01:02:10,183 - Is this the airport, Clark? - We're here! 607 01:02:10,560 --> 01:02:14,104 Hey, Gris, me and Bethany figured out the perfect gift for you. 608 01:02:14,272 --> 01:02:16,982 Oh, Uncle Lewis, you didn't have to buy me anything. 609 01:02:17,150 --> 01:02:20,110 Damn it, Bethany, he guessed it. 610 01:02:20,278 --> 01:02:24,614 Oh, that was fun. I love riding in cars. 611 01:02:25,616 --> 01:02:28,452 When did you move to Florida? 612 01:02:29,954 --> 01:02:33,248 Ellen, are you still dating Clark? 613 01:02:34,709 --> 01:02:38,962 Oh, Aunt Bethany, you know you shouldn't have done that. 614 01:02:39,130 --> 01:02:41,840 Oh, dear. Did I break wind? 615 01:02:42,133 --> 01:02:45,677 Jesus, did the room clear out, Bethany? 616 01:02:45,845 --> 01:02:49,389 Hell, no. She means presents. You shouldn't have brought presents. 617 01:02:49,891 --> 01:02:53,727 It isn't every day somebody moves into a new house. 618 01:02:53,895 --> 01:02:56,021 They didn't move into a new house. 619 01:02:56,397 --> 01:02:59,357 - Um.... Mom? - In the living room, Russ. 620 01:03:01,694 --> 01:03:05,155 This house is bigger than your old one. 621 01:03:05,823 --> 01:03:07,783 Is Rusty still in the Navy? 622 01:03:07,950 --> 01:03:11,995 Aunt Bethany, why don't you go with Francis and Cathrine to the living room... 623 01:03:12,163 --> 01:03:14,664 - ...and say hello to everybody. - Hello, everybody? 624 01:03:14,832 --> 01:03:16,958 - Just in the living room. - I should say it? 625 01:03:17,126 --> 01:03:20,086 - You should say it. - Hello, everybody! 626 01:03:21,255 --> 01:03:22,839 - Mom. - What? 627 01:03:23,007 --> 01:03:26,176 - This box is meowing. - Let me see it. 628 01:03:31,516 --> 01:03:34,726 - She wrapped up her cat. - Take it in the kitchen and open it up. 629 01:03:34,894 --> 01:03:38,063 - Then we'll have a cat running around. - You can't leave it in the box. 630 01:03:38,231 --> 01:03:40,482 Why would somebody wrap up a cat in a box? 631 01:03:40,650 --> 01:03:44,194 She gets confused, Rusty. She and Uncle Lewis don't have much money... 632 01:03:44,362 --> 01:03:47,614 ...so she takes things from the house and gives them as presents. 633 01:03:47,782 --> 01:03:49,699 Great. Can't wait to see what I got. 634 01:03:49,867 --> 01:03:52,953 This one here is leaking. 635 01:03:59,001 --> 01:04:02,629 - It's lime. - That's her Jell-O mold. I'll take it. 636 01:04:02,797 --> 01:04:06,550 Why don't you go back in the living room and enjoy yourself? Russ? 637 01:04:06,717 --> 01:04:08,051 Come on, boy. 638 01:04:09,512 --> 01:04:11,221 Let's go find your sister. 639 01:04:29,031 --> 01:04:31,283 Daddy, don't do this. 640 01:04:32,285 --> 01:04:35,787 Before we begin, since this is Aunt Bethany's 80th Christmas... 641 01:04:35,788 --> 01:04:37,247 Before we begin, since this is Aunt Bethany's 80th Christmas... 642 01:04:37,415 --> 01:04:39,833 ...I think she should lead us in the saying of grace. 643 01:04:40,001 --> 01:04:42,752 - Aw.... - Great. 644 01:04:44,589 --> 01:04:46,548 What, dear? 645 01:04:47,758 --> 01:04:49,301 Grace! 646 01:04:50,052 --> 01:04:54,264 Grace? She passed away 30 years ago. 647 01:04:54,432 --> 01:04:56,766 They want you to say grace. 648 01:04:59,520 --> 01:05:01,813 The blessing. 649 01:05:18,497 --> 01:05:22,000 I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America... 650 01:05:22,001 --> 01:05:24,044 I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America... 651 01:05:24,462 --> 01:05:27,923 ...and to the republic for which it stands... 652 01:05:28,090 --> 01:05:30,508 ...one nation under God, indivisible... 653 01:05:30,676 --> 01:05:34,179 ...with liberty and justice for all. 654 01:05:34,180 --> 01:05:35,931 ...with liberty and justice for all. 655 01:05:36,599 --> 01:05:38,475 - Amen. - Amen. 656 01:05:43,606 --> 01:05:47,567 Cathrine, if this turkey tastes half as good as it looks... 657 01:05:47,735 --> 01:05:50,612 ...I think we're all in for a very big treat. 658 01:05:51,322 --> 01:05:52,989 Thank you. 659 01:05:54,659 --> 01:05:58,161 - Save the neck for me, Clark. - Okay, Eddie. 660 01:06:07,088 --> 01:06:08,421 Look at that. 661 01:06:13,010 --> 01:06:14,511 Sorry. 662 01:06:15,012 --> 01:06:19,015 - Why are you crying? - I told you we put it in too early. 663 01:06:19,183 --> 01:06:23,395 - Oh, it's just a little dry. It's fine. - It looks good to me. 664 01:06:24,230 --> 01:06:25,438 Here's the heart. 665 01:07:26,375 --> 01:07:28,084 Aunt Bethany? 666 01:07:29,336 --> 01:07:31,421 Does your cat, by any chance, eat Jell-O? 667 01:07:33,966 --> 01:07:37,469 Well, I don't know about the cat, but I sure am enjoying it. 668 01:07:50,775 --> 01:07:51,941 Hey, kids? 669 01:07:52,568 --> 01:07:56,071 I heard on the news that a pilot spotted Santa's sled on its way from New York. 670 01:07:56,072 --> 01:07:57,614 I heard on the news that a pilot spotted Santa's sled on its way from New York. 671 01:07:58,783 --> 01:08:01,242 Ooh.... 672 01:08:04,121 --> 01:08:06,039 You serious, Clark? 673 01:08:08,042 --> 01:08:11,544 Art, you want to load me up with a little more there. It is good. 674 01:08:11,545 --> 01:08:12,879 Art, you want to load me up with a little more there. It is good. 675 01:08:21,639 --> 01:08:22,847 - Ed? - Yeah, Clark. 676 01:08:23,015 --> 01:08:24,849 What's wrong with the dog? 677 01:08:28,270 --> 01:08:29,729 Oh, he's just yacking on a bone. 678 01:08:31,107 --> 01:08:33,066 He's got it up. He's all right now. 679 01:08:34,735 --> 01:08:37,487 Maybe if you wouldn't feed him from the table. 680 01:08:38,989 --> 01:08:41,366 No, no. 681 01:08:41,534 --> 01:08:44,494 He's probably just nosing through the trash there. 682 01:08:52,920 --> 01:08:56,673 Hey, Gris, if you're not doing anything constructive... 683 01:08:56,841 --> 01:09:00,176 ...run into the living room, get my stogy. 684 01:09:01,011 --> 01:09:04,097 Is there anything else I can do for you, Uncle Lewis? 685 01:09:04,265 --> 01:09:07,684 He's an old man. This may be his last Christmas. 686 01:09:07,852 --> 01:09:10,645 If he keeps it up, it will be his last Christmas. 687 01:09:44,388 --> 01:09:46,389 That should be it. 688 01:09:52,897 --> 01:09:54,397 Honey? 689 01:10:02,114 --> 01:10:06,201 - You had too many plugs in one outlet. - Oh, God. 690 01:10:07,286 --> 01:10:09,245 What is it? 691 01:10:10,497 --> 01:10:14,000 Nothing. Let's go in and finish our dessert. 692 01:10:16,003 --> 01:10:19,756 If that thing had nine lives, she just spent them all. 693 01:10:20,132 --> 01:10:22,133 Whoo! 694 01:10:24,136 --> 01:10:27,639 If you don't mind, Clark, I'd like to see if I can fumigate this here chair. 695 01:10:27,640 --> 01:10:28,681 If you don't mind, Clark, I'd like to see if I can fumigate this here chair. 696 01:10:28,849 --> 01:10:31,643 It's a good, quality item. 697 01:10:32,895 --> 01:10:36,397 If you don't mind me asking, how much it set you back? 698 01:10:36,398 --> 01:10:37,815 If you don't mind me asking, how much it set you back? 699 01:10:37,983 --> 01:10:39,817 You smell something? 700 01:10:41,904 --> 01:10:43,947 Fried pussycat. 701 01:10:45,950 --> 01:10:48,910 It's not the chair. It's some kind of gas coming from the sewer. 702 01:11:37,167 --> 01:11:38,626 Lewis? 703 01:11:39,670 --> 01:11:41,421 My tree! 704 01:11:43,007 --> 01:11:44,716 So, what's the matter with you? 705 01:11:46,218 --> 01:11:48,761 Look what you've done to my tree! 706 01:11:51,390 --> 01:11:52,890 Lewis. 707 01:12:03,694 --> 01:12:06,154 It was an ugly tree, anyway. 708 01:12:06,322 --> 01:12:08,698 At least it's out of its misery. 709 01:12:09,033 --> 01:12:11,200 - Dad's gonna flip out. - Nobody's gonna flip out. 710 01:12:11,368 --> 01:12:13,161 We're gonna have a wonderful Christmas. 711 01:12:17,207 --> 01:12:18,708 What the hell do you want? 712 01:12:18,876 --> 01:12:22,378 I have a delivery for Clark W. Grisman. I was supposed to deliver it yesterday... 713 01:12:22,379 --> 01:12:24,047 I have a delivery for Clark W. Grisman. I was supposed to deliver it yesterday... 714 01:12:24,214 --> 01:12:27,717 ...but it fell between the seats, and I didn't see it. I'm sorry. 715 01:12:27,718 --> 01:12:29,218 ...but it fell between the seats, and I didn't see it. I'm sorry. 716 01:12:35,726 --> 01:12:37,769 Merry Christmas. 717 01:12:38,437 --> 01:12:40,188 Merry Christmas. 718 01:12:43,567 --> 01:12:45,818 - I can't believe it. - What is it? 719 01:12:45,986 --> 01:12:49,155 A letter confirming your reservation at the nut house? 720 01:12:49,323 --> 01:12:51,282 It's from my company. 721 01:12:51,450 --> 01:12:53,993 - Your bonus. - My bonus. 722 01:12:54,286 --> 01:12:55,620 Oh! 723 01:12:57,247 --> 01:12:59,290 That's great! 724 01:12:59,708 --> 01:13:01,584 Open it, Clarkie. Open it. 725 01:13:02,294 --> 01:13:04,754 Yeah, I hope it's a fortune, Clark. 726 01:13:04,922 --> 01:13:06,923 I bet you do, Eddie. 727 01:13:10,928 --> 01:13:12,220 I was afraid.... 728 01:13:12,388 --> 01:13:15,306 Are you gonna bawl all over it, or are you gonna open it? 729 01:13:17,434 --> 01:13:20,937 I was gonna wait till tomorrow to tell you all this, but what the heck. 730 01:13:20,938 --> 01:13:22,480 I was gonna wait till tomorrow to tell you all this, but what the heck. 731 01:13:23,190 --> 01:13:26,692 With this bonus check, I'm putting in a swimming pool. 732 01:13:31,073 --> 01:13:33,825 That's it. That's the big one! 733 01:13:35,786 --> 01:13:37,203 Open it! 734 01:13:39,123 --> 01:13:42,875 I'm sorry if I've been a little short with everyone lately. 735 01:13:43,043 --> 01:13:45,128 I've been waiting for this bonus. 736 01:13:45,295 --> 01:13:47,964 To make sure the pool goes in when the ground thaws... 737 01:13:48,132 --> 01:13:50,842 ...I had to pay in advance. And until this arrived... 738 01:13:51,009 --> 01:13:54,178 ...I didn't have enough in my account to cover the check. 739 01:13:54,346 --> 01:13:56,556 - Tear the sucker open, Dad. - Yeah. 740 01:13:58,100 --> 01:14:01,561 Drum roll. Just kidding. 741 01:14:07,734 --> 01:14:12,155 If there's enough left over, I'm gonna fly you all down here to help us dedicate it. 742 01:14:16,118 --> 01:14:18,327 I can't swim, Clark. 743 01:14:18,996 --> 01:14:20,955 I know that, Eddie. 744 01:14:32,551 --> 01:14:33,593 Oh. 745 01:14:35,220 --> 01:14:37,263 Clark, what's wrong? 746 01:14:37,431 --> 01:14:38,848 Honey? 747 01:14:39,975 --> 01:14:42,685 It's bigger than you expected? 748 01:14:45,898 --> 01:14:47,482 Smaller? 749 01:14:49,860 --> 01:14:51,486 What is it? 750 01:14:52,529 --> 01:14:56,449 It's a one-year membership in the Jelly of the Month Club. 751 01:14:56,617 --> 01:14:57,658 Oh, God. 752 01:14:57,826 --> 01:15:02,205 Clark, that's the gift that keeps on giving the whole year. 753 01:15:03,582 --> 01:15:07,627 That it is, Edward. That it is, indeed. 754 01:15:07,794 --> 01:15:10,880 I'm sorry. Clark.... 755 01:15:11,381 --> 01:15:14,884 If this isn't the biggest punch in the face I ever got. Goddamn it! 756 01:15:14,885 --> 01:15:16,886 If this isn't the biggest punch in the face I ever got. Goddamn it! 757 01:15:17,054 --> 01:15:18,554 Son. 758 01:15:31,443 --> 01:15:35,738 That's good. That's good. That's good. 759 01:15:38,534 --> 01:15:41,118 Ahh.... Hey! 760 01:15:42,079 --> 01:15:45,581 If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. 761 01:15:45,582 --> 01:15:47,458 If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. 762 01:15:47,626 --> 01:15:50,419 I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here, tonight. 763 01:15:51,630 --> 01:15:54,966 I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber on Melody Lane... 764 01:15:55,133 --> 01:15:58,219 ...with all the other rich people, and I want him right here. 765 01:15:58,387 --> 01:16:00,763 With a big ribbon on his head. 766 01:16:00,931 --> 01:16:03,474 I wanna look him straight in the eye and tell him... 767 01:16:03,642 --> 01:16:06,519 ...what a cheap, lying, no good, rotten, four-flushing... 768 01:16:06,687 --> 01:16:09,772 ...low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed... 769 01:16:09,940 --> 01:16:13,442 ...ignorant, bloodsucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless... 770 01:16:13,443 --> 01:16:14,735 ...ignorant, bloodsucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless... 771 01:16:14,903 --> 01:16:18,656 ...heartless, fat-assed, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped... 772 01:16:18,824 --> 01:16:21,826 ...worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! 773 01:16:21,994 --> 01:16:26,289 Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the Tylenol? 774 01:16:39,845 --> 01:16:43,347 - He's got that crazed look in his eye. - We should've gone to Hawaii. 775 01:16:43,348 --> 01:16:44,390 - He's got that crazed look in his eye. - We should've gone to Hawaii. 776 01:16:44,558 --> 01:16:47,810 Turn that thing off and get in the house! 777 01:16:47,978 --> 01:16:50,021 I'll talk to him, Mom. 778 01:16:53,150 --> 01:16:55,860 You know, Dad. I've been thinking. 779 01:16:57,821 --> 01:16:59,238 Good talk, Dad. 780 01:17:04,995 --> 01:17:07,663 Aren't you a bit sorry we didn't get a Christmas tree? 781 01:17:07,831 --> 01:17:11,334 Even though they're dirty and messy and corny and clichéd. 782 01:17:11,501 --> 01:17:15,046 Well, where you gonna find a tree at this hour on Christmas Eve? 783 01:17:34,399 --> 01:17:36,025 What's the matter? 784 01:17:37,361 --> 01:17:39,737 Was that really necessary? 785 01:17:41,365 --> 01:17:43,699 - We needed a tree. - May I remind you that-- 786 01:17:43,867 --> 01:17:48,037 That this was all my idea. No. No, no. I'm well aware of that, honey. 787 01:17:48,372 --> 01:17:51,707 Could you just keep it in mind the next time you go berserk? 788 01:17:52,000 --> 01:17:55,211 I didn't go berserk. I simply solved a problem. 789 01:17:57,547 --> 01:18:01,884 We needed a coffin. I mean, a tree. 790 01:18:02,052 --> 01:18:04,178 There are no lots open on Christmas Eve. 791 01:18:04,346 --> 01:18:08,307 Lewis burned down my tree, so I replaced it as best I could. Voilà. 792 01:18:08,892 --> 01:18:12,228 - Are you okay? - I'm fine, honey. 793 01:18:36,461 --> 01:18:38,587 Fixed the newelpost. 794 01:19:00,986 --> 01:19:02,445 What's that sound? 795 01:19:24,509 --> 01:19:28,012 Do you hear it? It's a funny squeaky sound. 796 01:19:28,013 --> 01:19:29,138 Do you hear it? It's a funny squeaky sound. 797 01:19:30,056 --> 01:19:34,393 You couldn't hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant. 798 01:19:34,561 --> 01:19:37,772 Shh. I hear it too. 799 01:19:46,156 --> 01:19:48,073 I don't hear it anymore. 800 01:20:01,713 --> 01:20:03,589 What was it?! Oh, my God! 801 01:20:10,055 --> 01:20:12,306 Quiet! Shut up! 802 01:20:25,070 --> 01:20:27,196 Mom, don't move. 803 01:20:28,406 --> 01:20:31,200 We can't let it get out of the living room. 804 01:20:32,035 --> 01:20:34,703 Where's Eddie? He usually eats these goddamn things. 805 01:20:34,871 --> 01:20:38,374 Oh, not recently, Clark. He read that squirrels were high in cholesterol. 806 01:20:38,375 --> 01:20:39,875 Oh, not recently, Clark. He read that squirrels were high in cholesterol. 807 01:20:40,043 --> 01:20:41,919 Thank you, Cathrine. 808 01:20:42,796 --> 01:20:44,213 I'll try and trap it. 809 01:20:44,464 --> 01:20:46,298 - Russ! - Right here, Dad. 810 01:20:47,008 --> 01:20:48,884 Oh, there you are. 811 01:20:49,636 --> 01:20:51,053 Go get the hammer. 812 01:20:51,221 --> 01:20:53,389 Clark, what do you need a hammer for? 813 01:20:53,557 --> 01:20:57,101 I'm gonna catch it in the coat and smack it with the hammer. 814 01:21:04,693 --> 01:21:06,819 I'm going in with him. 815 01:21:09,948 --> 01:21:11,574 Nora? 816 01:21:12,576 --> 01:21:15,411 - Nora! - Is it gone? 817 01:21:15,579 --> 01:21:18,622 It probably got scared and ran back into the tree. 818 01:21:18,915 --> 01:21:20,749 Squirrel! 819 01:21:59,414 --> 01:22:03,626 You just march right over there and slug that creep in the face. 820 01:22:03,793 --> 01:22:06,837 - I can't just attack someone. - If you're not man enough... 821 01:22:07,005 --> 01:22:09,924 ...to put an end to this shit, then I am. 822 01:22:21,853 --> 01:22:23,270 Ha! 823 01:22:30,904 --> 01:22:31,946 Gone. 824 01:22:37,661 --> 01:22:39,828 Oh, my God! 825 01:22:42,499 --> 01:22:44,625 What happened to you? 826 01:22:51,758 --> 01:22:55,177 Beautiful. God. 827 01:22:56,805 --> 01:22:59,807 Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. 828 01:22:59,975 --> 01:23:02,643 Nobody's walking out on this family Christmas. 829 01:23:02,811 --> 01:23:05,229 No, no. We're all in this together. 830 01:23:05,480 --> 01:23:08,399 This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. 831 01:23:08,775 --> 01:23:12,236 We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap-hap-happiest Christmas... 832 01:23:12,404 --> 01:23:14,697 ...since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny Kaye. 833 01:23:15,198 --> 01:23:18,158 And when Santa squeezes his ass down that chimney tonight... 834 01:23:18,326 --> 01:23:22,287 ...he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nut house. 835 01:23:22,706 --> 01:23:23,956 You're goofy. 836 01:23:24,124 --> 01:23:25,916 - Don't piss me off, Art. - Clark? 837 01:23:26,960 --> 01:23:29,169 - It's over. - Not according to Santa's watch. 838 01:23:29,337 --> 01:23:31,171 - Come on, son. - Stay out of this, Dad. 839 01:23:31,339 --> 01:23:34,383 Clark, I think it's best if everyone just goes home. 840 01:23:34,926 --> 01:23:37,886 - Before things get worse. - Worse? 841 01:23:38,054 --> 01:23:39,596 How could they get any worse? 842 01:23:39,764 --> 01:23:44,143 Take a look around you, Ellen. We're at the threshold of hell. 843 01:24:01,870 --> 01:24:03,287 Son? 844 01:24:04,539 --> 01:24:07,082 I love you. We all love you. 845 01:24:07,333 --> 01:24:11,503 But this is a terrible night. Nothing's gone right. It's a disaster. 846 01:24:11,671 --> 01:24:14,923 You losing your temper with the whole family only makes things worse. 847 01:24:15,091 --> 01:24:18,135 You're too good a father to act like this. 848 01:24:19,429 --> 01:24:23,932 In years to come, you'll want your family to remember all the love you gave us. 849 01:24:24,100 --> 01:24:26,977 And how hard you tried to make the perfect Christmas. 850 01:24:27,145 --> 01:24:30,105 - Well, I just-- - You just cocked it up. 851 01:24:31,608 --> 01:24:34,943 Oh, it's okay. It happens. 852 01:24:37,030 --> 01:24:40,824 - Our holidays were always such a mess. - Oh, yeah. 853 01:24:41,326 --> 01:24:43,368 How did you get through it? 854 01:24:43,995 --> 01:24:46,997 I had a lot of help from Jack Daniels. 855 01:24:55,715 --> 01:24:57,633 I love you. 856 01:24:59,302 --> 01:25:01,136 - Dad? - Yeah. 857 01:25:01,638 --> 01:25:03,972 Are you gonna recite The Night Before Christmas? 858 01:25:04,140 --> 01:25:08,393 No. It's your house. It's your Christmas. 859 01:25:09,187 --> 01:25:11,146 I'm retiring. 860 01:25:12,232 --> 01:25:15,109 "The children were nestled all snug in their beds... 861 01:25:15,276 --> 01:25:18,737 ...while visions of sugarplums danced in their heads. 862 01:25:18,905 --> 01:25:21,573 And Mama in her kerchief and I in my cap... 863 01:25:21,741 --> 01:25:24,493 ...had just settled our brains for a long winter's nap. 864 01:25:24,828 --> 01:25:27,746 When out on the lawn, there arose such a clatter... 865 01:25:28,039 --> 01:25:30,332 ...I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter. 866 01:25:30,625 --> 01:25:32,835 Away to the window, I flew like a flash... 867 01:25:33,002 --> 01:25:35,671 ...tore open the shutters and threw up the sash. 868 01:25:35,839 --> 01:25:40,092 The moon on the new-fallen snow gave a luster of midday to objects below. 869 01:25:41,553 --> 01:25:45,055 When what to my wondering eyes should appear but a miniature sleigh and...." 870 01:25:45,056 --> 01:25:46,223 When what to my wondering eyes should appear but a miniature sleigh and...." 871 01:25:46,391 --> 01:25:50,018 And Eddie with a man in his pajamas with a dog chain... 872 01:25:50,186 --> 01:25:52,271 ...tied to his wrists and ankles. What the--? 873 01:25:55,024 --> 01:25:56,733 Stay here. 874 01:26:01,239 --> 01:26:05,033 Ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas, Clark. 875 01:26:05,952 --> 01:26:08,787 You about ready to do some kissing? 876 01:26:10,456 --> 01:26:13,041 Yes, officer, it seems my husband's been abducted. 877 01:26:13,209 --> 01:26:15,252 The man was... 878 01:26:15,420 --> 01:26:18,922 ...wearing a blue leisure suit, and the plates were from Kansas. 879 01:26:18,923 --> 01:26:19,965 ...wearing a blue leisure suit, and the plates were from Kansas. 880 01:26:20,133 --> 01:26:23,594 He was a huge, beastly, bulging man and-- 881 01:26:23,845 --> 01:26:26,180 I've never been treated like this in my life. 882 01:26:26,347 --> 01:26:29,725 I'm sorry. This is our family's first kidnapping. 883 01:26:29,893 --> 01:26:33,061 You're fired. And where's the phone? I'm calling the police. 884 01:26:33,229 --> 01:26:37,274 Hey, just hold your wad there, fella. Clark had nothing to do with this. 885 01:26:37,442 --> 01:26:39,568 This here was my idea. 886 01:26:39,736 --> 01:26:43,614 All right. He's still fired, and you are going to jail. 887 01:26:43,781 --> 01:26:47,075 Oh, no. Eddie, it was my fault. 888 01:26:47,911 --> 01:26:50,037 I lost my temper when I got my bonus. 889 01:26:50,205 --> 01:26:53,290 - I guess I said things I shouldn't have. - Bonus? 890 01:26:53,458 --> 01:26:56,752 How did you get a bonus? I cut out bonuses this year. 891 01:26:56,920 --> 01:26:59,171 Yeah. Thanks for telling us. 892 01:26:59,589 --> 01:27:03,425 I was expecting a check. Instead I got enrolled in a jelly club. 893 01:27:03,593 --> 01:27:07,679 Seventeen years with the company. I've gotten a bonus every year but this one. 894 01:27:07,847 --> 01:27:09,640 You don't wanna give bonuses, fine! 895 01:27:09,807 --> 01:27:12,601 But when people count on them as part of their salary... 896 01:27:12,769 --> 01:27:15,270 - ...well, what you did just plain-- - Sucks. 897 01:27:17,273 --> 01:27:18,941 Thank you, Russ. 898 01:27:20,443 --> 01:27:22,152 My... 899 01:27:22,320 --> 01:27:25,322 ...cousin-in-law, whose heart is bigger than his brain-- 900 01:27:25,490 --> 01:27:27,741 I appreciate that, Clark. 901 01:27:28,409 --> 01:27:31,745 Is innocent. I'll be more than happy to take the rap on this. 902 01:27:31,913 --> 01:27:35,415 On behalf of myself and every other employee you rear-ended this Christmas. 903 01:27:35,416 --> 01:27:36,500 On behalf of myself and every other employee you rear-ended this Christmas. 904 01:27:54,852 --> 01:27:56,520 Look... 905 01:27:57,855 --> 01:28:01,024 ...sometimes things look good on paper... 906 01:28:01,192 --> 01:28:05,153 ...but lose their luster when you see how it affects real folks. 907 01:28:06,072 --> 01:28:08,407 I guess a healthy bottom line doesn't mean much... 908 01:28:08,574 --> 01:28:11,827 ...if to get it you have to hurt the ones you depend on. 909 01:28:13,830 --> 01:28:16,748 It's people that make the difference. 910 01:28:16,916 --> 01:28:19,042 Little people, like you. 911 01:28:20,920 --> 01:28:23,839 So, Carl... 912 01:28:24,674 --> 01:28:27,134 ...whatever you got last year... 913 01:28:27,302 --> 01:28:29,845 ...add 20 percent. 914 01:28:31,139 --> 01:28:32,389 Our pool! 915 01:28:33,683 --> 01:28:35,600 Clark? 916 01:28:37,353 --> 01:28:38,437 Dad. 917 01:29:22,815 --> 01:29:25,400 Go away, Todd. 918 01:29:25,568 --> 01:29:29,071 If you wanna come in, you are gonna have to break down the goddamn door! 919 01:29:29,072 --> 01:29:30,322 If you wanna come in, you are gonna have to break down the goddamn door! 920 01:29:41,542 --> 01:29:44,753 Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night! 921 01:29:56,307 --> 01:29:58,100 Freeze! 922 01:29:59,644 --> 01:30:01,937 Not you, them! Them! 923 01:30:11,197 --> 01:30:13,115 This way, please. 924 01:30:15,618 --> 01:30:19,538 - I think you've made a terrible mistake. - I told you to freeze, mister. 925 01:30:19,705 --> 01:30:21,289 May we blink? 926 01:30:24,877 --> 01:30:26,586 Frank. 927 01:30:26,963 --> 01:30:28,755 - Helen! - You're all right. 928 01:30:28,923 --> 01:30:30,757 Oh, I'm fine. I'm just fine. 929 01:30:30,925 --> 01:30:32,801 It was a big misunderstanding tonight. 930 01:30:32,969 --> 01:30:36,513 Excuse me. Would you and Mrs. Shirley like to step outside... 931 01:30:36,681 --> 01:30:38,765 ...so we can take care of business here? 932 01:30:38,933 --> 01:30:41,476 There's no business. I'm not pressing any charges. 933 01:30:41,811 --> 01:30:43,770 - What? - It was a mistake. 934 01:30:43,938 --> 01:30:46,982 Mistake? Frank, honey, you were kidnapped. 935 01:30:47,150 --> 01:30:50,861 I did something I shouldn't have, and these people called me on it. 936 01:30:51,028 --> 01:30:54,072 This is Clark Griswold and his family. 937 01:30:54,240 --> 01:30:56,324 Welcome to our home. 938 01:30:57,160 --> 01:30:58,577 What's left of it. 939 01:30:58,744 --> 01:31:01,663 - Release B Squad. - What's going on here? 940 01:31:01,956 --> 01:31:05,459 Remember I was toying with the notion of suspending the Christmas bonuses? 941 01:31:05,460 --> 01:31:06,918 Remember I was toying with the notion of suspending the Christmas bonuses? 942 01:31:07,086 --> 01:31:10,589 You didn't. Well, of all the cheap, lousy ways to save a buck! 943 01:31:10,590 --> 01:31:11,923 You didn't. Well, of all the cheap, lousy ways to save a buck! 944 01:31:12,091 --> 01:31:15,719 That's pretty low, mister. If I had a rubber hose, I would beat you to-- 945 01:31:15,887 --> 01:31:17,929 I changed my mind. 946 01:31:18,389 --> 01:31:20,307 I'm reinstating the bonuses. 947 01:31:20,558 --> 01:31:22,058 Look! 948 01:31:23,811 --> 01:31:25,729 Look, look! 949 01:31:27,940 --> 01:31:29,357 Look! 950 01:31:29,525 --> 01:31:32,277 Ruby Sue, sweetheart. 951 01:31:35,781 --> 01:31:38,241 - It's Santa Claus. - What? What's wrong? 952 01:31:40,036 --> 01:31:42,287 - What? - She thinks she sees Santa. 953 01:31:42,455 --> 01:31:46,249 - Santa Claus. - No, it's the Christmas star. 954 01:31:47,084 --> 01:31:49,419 And that's all that matters tonight. 955 01:31:50,546 --> 01:31:54,883 Not bonuses or gifts or turkeys or trees. 956 01:31:55,051 --> 01:31:56,843 See, kids... 957 01:31:57,303 --> 01:32:00,096 ...it means something different to everybody. 958 01:32:02,058 --> 01:32:04,309 Now I know what it means to me. 959 01:32:05,853 --> 01:32:08,230 That ain't the frigging Christmas star. 960 01:32:08,397 --> 01:32:11,483 It's a light on the sewage treatment plant. 961 01:32:11,651 --> 01:32:13,068 Sewer gas. 962 01:32:15,071 --> 01:32:16,905 Don't drop that! 963 01:33:05,121 --> 01:33:06,621 Play ball! 964 01:33:14,672 --> 01:33:17,173 Merry Christmas, Sparky. 965 01:33:17,925 --> 01:33:19,884 Merry Christmas, honey. 966 01:33:21,637 --> 01:33:23,138 Come here. 967 01:33:48,456 --> 01:33:50,123 I did it. 78237

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