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When I was small,
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I didn't even know
that I was a kid
with 'special needs'.
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00:01:56,333 --> 00:01:58,833
How did I find out?
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00:01:58,875 --> 00:02:00,541
By other people telling me
5
00:02:00,583 --> 00:02:02,666
that I was different
from everyone else.
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00:02:04,000 --> 00:02:05,875
And that this was a problem.
7
00:02:10,458 --> 00:02:12,291
True enough...
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00:02:12,333 --> 00:02:16,625
it was very hard for me
to act like most other people.
9
00:02:16,666 --> 00:02:20,541
And even now, I still can't do
a 'real' conversation.
10
00:02:23,666 --> 00:02:26,791
From your point of view,
the world of autism
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00:02:26,833 --> 00:02:30,125
must look like
a deeply mysterious place.
12
00:02:32,208 --> 00:02:36,333
So my big hope is that
by writing this book,
13
00:02:36,375 --> 00:02:39,708
I can help to explain
in my own way,
14
00:02:39,750 --> 00:02:41,125
what goes on in my mind.
15
00:02:58,291 --> 00:03:00,791
Can you imagine
how your life would be
16
00:03:00,833 --> 00:03:03,458
if you couldn't say
what you wanted?
17
00:03:08,208 --> 00:03:09,333
They're turned off.
18
00:03:12,666 --> 00:03:14,916
The fountains are off in Greece.
19
00:03:14,958 --> 00:03:16,625
The fountains are off in Greece.
20
00:03:20,458 --> 00:03:23,708
Hi, all the fountains are off
in Greece.
21
00:03:23,750 --> 00:03:25,125
Are they?
22
00:03:25,166 --> 00:03:26,916
All the fountains are off
in Greece.
23
00:03:26,958 --> 00:03:27,916
Okay.
24
00:03:30,583 --> 00:03:32,166
Those fountains are off
in Greece.
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00:03:52,708 --> 00:03:55,083
No more.
26
00:03:57,166 --> 00:03:59,416
Every time
I do something
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00:03:59,458 --> 00:04:01,625
that other people wouldn't,
28
00:04:01,666 --> 00:04:03,791
it must make you wonder why.
29
00:04:10,083 --> 00:04:13,625
But don't judge me
from the outside only.
30
00:04:13,666 --> 00:04:17,083
Spare a little time to listen
to what I have to say
31
00:04:17,125 --> 00:04:19,208
and have a nice trip
through our world.
32
00:05:20,458 --> 00:05:23,958
Amrit picks up on things
which people usually do not.
33
00:05:32,708 --> 00:05:35,708
That was kind of a revelation.
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00:05:39,583 --> 00:05:41,833
For a very long time
35
00:05:41,875 --> 00:05:44,750
she had so much anger in her
36
00:05:44,791 --> 00:05:47,875
but there was no way that she
could tell us about it.
37
00:05:50,166 --> 00:05:54,000
She must've had some bullying
moments in school.
38
00:05:56,041 --> 00:05:58,333
She was wanting
to make friends
39
00:05:58,375 --> 00:06:01,125
but others did not know
how to be friendly with her.
40
00:06:03,708 --> 00:06:06,625
She would scream for hours,
41
00:06:06,666 --> 00:06:09,041
and then she would cry
and I would cry
42
00:06:09,083 --> 00:06:10,416
and-- not knowing what to do.
43
00:06:15,250 --> 00:06:16,833
That was the time
44
00:06:16,875 --> 00:06:19,125
when she used to really rub
the crayon
45
00:06:19,166 --> 00:06:22,791
on one particular spot
until the paper would tear
46
00:06:22,833 --> 00:06:25,208
and there were impressions
on her desk.
47
00:06:27,500 --> 00:06:29,291
But within that,
48
00:06:29,333 --> 00:06:33,875
there was such a strong message
for others.
49
00:06:36,041 --> 00:06:40,041
And I realized that it wasn't
just art that she was doing.
50
00:06:40,083 --> 00:06:43,375
She was actually giving me
the routine of her day
51
00:06:43,416 --> 00:06:45,000
and what all was happening.
52
00:06:45,041 --> 00:06:47,333
So, she would draw
what she was eating,
53
00:06:47,375 --> 00:06:51,333
she would draw other students
around her,
54
00:06:51,375 --> 00:06:53,041
she would draw the landscape.
55
00:07:00,500 --> 00:07:03,250
And that is how
the journey began.
56
00:07:25,708 --> 00:07:28,041
So how do I see
the world?
57
00:07:30,833 --> 00:07:34,500
You may be looking
at the exact same thing as me,
58
00:07:34,541 --> 00:07:37,541
but how I perceive it
appears to be different.
59
00:07:41,083 --> 00:07:42,791
When you see an object
60
00:07:42,833 --> 00:07:46,875
it seems you see it
as an entire thing first
61
00:07:46,916 --> 00:07:49,541
and only afterwards
do its details follow on.
62
00:07:55,125 --> 00:08:00,166
But for me, the details
jump straight out first of all,
63
00:08:00,208 --> 00:08:03,708
and then gradually,
detail by detail,
64
00:08:03,750 --> 00:08:06,125
the whole image floats up
into focus.
65
00:08:36,958 --> 00:08:41,125
My eyes are captured
by lines and surfaces.
66
00:08:47,000 --> 00:08:51,125
Just to get a grip on things,
I have to scan my memory
67
00:08:51,166 --> 00:08:54,666
to find an experience closest
to what's happening now.
68
00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:16,083
The chaos of the world
has to be
69
00:09:16,125 --> 00:09:18,750
turned into some kind
of coherent order,
70
00:09:19,625 --> 00:09:21,833
almost by hand,
71
00:09:21,875 --> 00:09:24,750
inside an autistic mind
I think-- I don't have one
72
00:09:24,791 --> 00:09:27,541
so I can't be sure but this book
helps me understand a bit.
73
00:09:29,833 --> 00:09:32,125
Naoki Higashida wrote
'The Reason I Jump'
74
00:09:32,166 --> 00:09:35,083
when he was thirteen years old.
75
00:09:35,125 --> 00:09:37,958
And like my son, he was
autistic and didn't speak.
76
00:09:41,125 --> 00:09:44,875
It's like cartography.
He makes a map of his mind.
77
00:09:46,875 --> 00:09:51,291
There's an example where Naoki
talks about the steps
78
00:09:51,333 --> 00:09:53,500
that he has to go through
to understand
79
00:09:53,541 --> 00:09:55,541
that it is raining.
80
00:09:55,583 --> 00:09:59,083
And it would never occur
to you if you're neurotypical,
81
00:09:59,125 --> 00:10:04,000
that you have to flip through
this mental card index,
82
00:10:04,041 --> 00:10:07,208
connecting the sound,
previous memories
83
00:10:07,250 --> 00:10:10,166
with the word 'rain' to work
out what's happening now.
84
00:10:11,625 --> 00:10:12,916
You just know it's raining.
85
00:10:28,875 --> 00:10:32,875
The world that Naoki
describes is different.
86
00:10:32,916 --> 00:10:37,166
Chaotic, swirling,
raw and visceral.
87
00:10:38,916 --> 00:10:41,208
It's emotionally very taxing.
88
00:10:41,250 --> 00:10:43,083
Meltdowns can blow up
out of nowhere.
89
00:10:47,958 --> 00:10:49,750
So that's where
my son's living.
90
00:10:52,333 --> 00:10:53,375
And it's not easy.
91
00:11:32,000 --> 00:11:34,958
She used
to have these obsessions.
92
00:11:35,000 --> 00:11:36,458
--Uh, my fear
93
00:11:36,500 --> 00:11:39,583
was that it is socially
awkward.
94
00:11:39,625 --> 00:11:41,916
And I-- I would try
and stop her from doing that.
95
00:11:45,583 --> 00:11:47,625
But when I read Naoki's book,
96
00:11:47,666 --> 00:11:50,416
I realized what she must be
going through.
97
00:11:51,916 --> 00:11:54,416
So, it's difficult. Yes...
I'm sorry.
98
00:12:15,041 --> 00:12:18,291
I've acted so strange
with my own child.
99
00:12:18,333 --> 00:12:19,291
I don't know...
100
00:12:20,458 --> 00:12:22,458
how I fit into a mother's role.
101
00:12:34,000 --> 00:12:36,458
I've tried to stop her
from being herself.
102
00:13:43,375 --> 00:13:47,416
Every single thing
has its own unique beauty.
103
00:13:49,666 --> 00:13:52,875
When a color is vivid
or a shape is eye-catching,
104
00:13:52,916 --> 00:13:56,541
then my heart kind of
drowns in it.
105
00:13:56,583 --> 00:13:59,250
I can't concentrate
on anything else.
106
00:14:03,500 --> 00:14:06,833
A person who's looking
at a mountain far away
107
00:14:06,875 --> 00:14:08,666
doesn't notice the prettiness
108
00:14:08,708 --> 00:14:11,416
of the dandelion
in front of them.
109
00:14:34,250 --> 00:14:36,000
There are certain sounds,
110
00:14:36,041 --> 00:14:41,458
there are certain sights,
that are either painful
111
00:14:41,500 --> 00:14:45,041
or they are very pleasant.
112
00:14:45,083 --> 00:14:50,333
When she comes home,
she picks up a paper to...
113
00:14:50,375 --> 00:14:53,625
to kind of put it there
for the world to know.
114
00:17:07,416 --> 00:17:09,833
Not being able to talk
115
00:17:09,875 --> 00:17:11,375
means not being able to share
116
00:17:11,416 --> 00:17:13,416
what you're feeling
or thinking.
117
00:17:15,333 --> 00:17:18,125
To live my life
as a human being,
118
00:17:18,166 --> 00:17:19,833
nothing is more important
119
00:17:19,875 --> 00:17:21,750
than being able
to express myself.
120
00:17:32,208 --> 00:17:36,166
How can you be subject
to all this wild,
121
00:17:36,208 --> 00:17:38,666
uncensored, sensory input
122
00:17:38,708 --> 00:17:41,500
and then render that
into language?
123
00:17:47,208 --> 00:17:49,750
Naoki Higashida sort of
achieved the impossible.
124
00:17:51,750 --> 00:17:53,916
A kid who could still remember
what it's like
125
00:17:53,958 --> 00:17:55,625
to be four or five years old.
126
00:17:57,375 --> 00:17:58,458
It's kind of poetry.
127
00:18:01,291 --> 00:18:03,250
It felt like our son
was talking to us.
128
00:18:03,291 --> 00:18:04,875
It felt like when I was at--
129
00:18:04,916 --> 00:18:07,000
at my most desperate,
130
00:18:07,041 --> 00:18:08,541
knowing I wouldn't get
an answer,
131
00:18:08,583 --> 00:18:11,000
but just saying,
"Why are you doing that?"
132
00:18:11,041 --> 00:18:12,708
Uh...
133
00:18:12,750 --> 00:18:14,333
Well, here's the answer.
134
00:18:16,750 --> 00:18:20,000
My wife and I wanted the people
who work with our son
135
00:18:20,041 --> 00:18:21,958
to read it as well.
136
00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:23,541
So, we started translating it.
137
00:18:26,875 --> 00:18:32,083
The book felt like
an envoy from another world,
138
00:18:32,125 --> 00:18:34,750
whose culture, whose rules,
139
00:18:34,791 --> 00:18:36,500
whose reasons
I didn't understand.
140
00:18:41,208 --> 00:18:42,791
My mind
141
00:18:42,833 --> 00:18:46,875
is forever swaying this way
and that.
142
00:18:46,916 --> 00:18:50,708
I never ever feel
at ease wherever I am.
143
00:18:54,833 --> 00:18:59,291
As a child, I used to wander
off from home.
144
00:18:59,333 --> 00:19:01,166
It wasn't because I wanted
to go out
145
00:19:01,208 --> 00:19:03,333
for a special reason.
146
00:19:03,375 --> 00:19:06,541
My body moved
because it was lured outside
147
00:19:06,583 --> 00:19:08,833
by something there,
148
00:19:08,875 --> 00:19:12,291
in search of somewhere
where I felt at ease.
149
00:19:31,666 --> 00:19:34,833
Hi. Hi, Joss.
150
00:19:34,875 --> 00:19:36,750
The lady is going to turn
the fans on.
151
00:19:40,291 --> 00:19:41,500
It's like a fan.
152
00:19:46,250 --> 00:19:48,958
The fan-- The fan goes round
and round.
153
00:19:57,208 --> 00:19:58,583
We're making a fan.
154
00:19:59,875 --> 00:20:01,750
Make it--
make it spin fast!
155
00:20:03,041 --> 00:20:04,916
Make it spin fast.
156
00:20:04,958 --> 00:20:08,375
It's going round.
- It is going round.
157
00:20:08,416 --> 00:20:10,333
Joss going high.
158
00:20:10,375 --> 00:20:11,875
High!
159
00:20:11,916 --> 00:20:12,916
High, Joss.
160
00:20:14,583 --> 00:20:17,916
Joss... because it's raining...
161
00:20:19,791 --> 00:20:21,625
Good lad.
- Good lad, well done.
162
00:20:21,666 --> 00:20:24,708
I am a good lad.
- Joss, Joss we're gonna take
the sausage and chips
163
00:20:24,750 --> 00:20:26,125
back to Bradstow, okay?
164
00:20:31,708 --> 00:20:33,500
Come on.
165
00:20:33,541 --> 00:20:35,625
We're at big school.
- We are at big school.
166
00:20:53,333 --> 00:20:55,083
Is the umbrella hot?
167
00:20:55,125 --> 00:20:57,250
As soon as
I try to speak with someone,
168
00:20:57,291 --> 00:20:59,125
my words just vanish.
169
00:21:03,916 --> 00:21:07,125
There is a gap
between what I'm thinking
170
00:21:07,166 --> 00:21:08,500
and what I'm saying.
171
00:21:08,541 --> 00:21:10,333
Mummy got me two milkshakes.
172
00:21:10,375 --> 00:21:12,750
Mummy did get you
two milkshakes.
173
00:21:12,791 --> 00:21:14,208
It's like a reflex...
174
00:21:17,583 --> 00:21:21,041
...reacting to what I've
just seen in some cases...
175
00:21:21,083 --> 00:21:22,916
or to some old memories.
176
00:21:27,166 --> 00:21:30,500
As if I'm drowning
in a flood of words.
177
00:21:30,541 --> 00:21:32,500
The cover is like
a black hoover.
178
00:21:32,541 --> 00:21:34,166
It's like a--
- Red?
179
00:21:34,208 --> 00:21:36,291
This cover is like
a black hoover.
180
00:21:36,333 --> 00:21:37,458
It's like
a red hoover.
181
00:21:37,500 --> 00:21:38,875
It's like a black hoover.
182
00:21:38,916 --> 00:21:41,041
Oh,
it's like a black one.
183
00:21:41,083 --> 00:21:42,875
This cover is
like a red hoover.
I think it's like
a black hoover.
184
00:21:42,916 --> 00:21:44,250
Its cover is like
a black hoover.
185
00:21:44,291 --> 00:21:45,708
It is.
186
00:21:45,750 --> 00:21:48,208
The big exception
is words or phrases
187
00:21:48,250 --> 00:21:49,916
I'm familiar with,
188
00:21:49,958 --> 00:21:52,208
like playing a game
of catch with a ball.
189
00:21:52,250 --> 00:21:53,708
Papa!
- Papa.
190
00:21:53,750 --> 00:21:57,541
Papa, Papa!
191
00:22:01,750 --> 00:22:03,791
Do you want to wait
for the doggy to go?
192
00:22:06,708 --> 00:22:09,125
Joss, the dog's gone now,
we're gonna keep walking
193
00:22:09,166 --> 00:22:11,000
to the cafe, okay?
194
00:22:11,041 --> 00:22:12,708
Good lad, well done.
195
00:22:27,791 --> 00:22:30,541
Joss can see everything,
196
00:22:30,583 --> 00:22:31,958
and he can hear everything.
197
00:22:36,583 --> 00:22:38,500
When Joss was little,
198
00:22:38,541 --> 00:22:41,250
his sensory world
was entirely a positive thing.
199
00:22:46,000 --> 00:22:50,416
Everything related back
to water and light,
200
00:22:50,458 --> 00:22:53,041
so we provided as much water
and light as we could.
201
00:22:57,708 --> 00:22:58,625
What can you see?
202
00:23:02,291 --> 00:23:03,375
What can you see, Joss?
203
00:23:05,833 --> 00:23:07,250
One of the things
I would love to be
204
00:23:07,291 --> 00:23:10,250
is just inside his head.
205
00:23:10,291 --> 00:23:13,500
Just-- just for ten seconds
to understand,
206
00:23:13,541 --> 00:23:15,916
how he sees the world.
207
00:23:15,958 --> 00:23:17,541
Let's go.
208
00:23:19,083 --> 00:23:20,500
It's making a noise.
209
00:23:20,541 --> 00:23:22,000
The green box
is making a noise.
210
00:23:22,041 --> 00:23:23,541
The green box
is making a noise.
211
00:23:36,166 --> 00:23:37,583
Shall we get in?
212
00:23:37,625 --> 00:23:40,166
You cannot get--
No, you cannot get in, no.
213
00:23:41,583 --> 00:23:43,750
Green box is like music.
214
00:23:43,791 --> 00:23:45,583
Green box is like music.
215
00:24:09,750 --> 00:24:11,500
Is it like a black hoover?
216
00:24:11,541 --> 00:24:15,041
No, it's like a red hoover.
Sounds like a red hoover.
217
00:24:15,083 --> 00:24:16,458
Does it sound like
a black hoover?
218
00:24:19,083 --> 00:24:20,208
Does it sound like
a black hoover?
219
00:24:20,250 --> 00:24:21,500
No, it sounds like a red hoover.
220
00:24:24,458 --> 00:24:25,458
Want to go now?
221
00:24:36,458 --> 00:24:38,666
Green boxes have become
a massive part of our life
222
00:24:38,708 --> 00:24:41,833
because we realize
that Joss can hear them
223
00:24:41,875 --> 00:24:43,625
from a long, long,
long way away.
224
00:25:40,291 --> 00:25:42,083
We need to get pizza.
- We're gonna go--
225
00:25:42,125 --> 00:25:43,583
Daddy's driving
to get the pizza now.
226
00:26:07,291 --> 00:26:09,291
We had a sprinkler
at Number Eighty.
227
00:26:11,083 --> 00:26:12,500
We did have a sprinkler.
Mummy used to--
228
00:26:12,541 --> 00:26:13,708
"You're not having
a sprinkler tonight"
229
00:26:13,750 --> 00:26:15,375
at Number Eighty.
230
00:26:15,416 --> 00:26:17,000
Is that what--
Did Mummy say that?
231
00:26:17,916 --> 00:26:19,416
Did Mummy say that?
232
00:26:19,458 --> 00:26:21,958
No! Mummy always let you
have the sprinkler on!
233
00:26:29,125 --> 00:26:30,916
Number Eighty
was the number of a house
234
00:26:30,958 --> 00:26:33,208
we used to live in.
235
00:26:33,250 --> 00:26:35,166
Joss is remembering
the things that happened
236
00:26:35,208 --> 00:26:39,458
in that garden when he was
about three or four years old.
237
00:26:39,500 --> 00:26:41,500
Specific events.
238
00:26:41,541 --> 00:26:43,291
Number Eighty.
- Number Eighty.
239
00:26:45,500 --> 00:26:47,958
To him, they are just
as real as something
240
00:26:48,000 --> 00:26:50,583
that's happened
half an hour ago.
241
00:26:50,625 --> 00:26:52,250
I think the earliest
we've had is when he was
242
00:26:52,291 --> 00:26:53,916
just before his second
birthday.
243
00:26:58,208 --> 00:27:01,166
Like some kind of,
um, slideshow,
244
00:27:01,208 --> 00:27:02,833
an out of control slideshow.
245
00:27:13,000 --> 00:27:15,000
Time is a continuous thing
246
00:27:15,041 --> 00:27:16,625
with no clear boundaries,
247
00:27:18,125 --> 00:27:20,416
which is why it's so confusing.
248
00:27:22,875 --> 00:27:24,500
Inside my head,
249
00:27:24,541 --> 00:27:26,250
there isn't really
such a big difference
250
00:27:26,291 --> 00:27:29,291
between what I was told
just now,
251
00:27:29,333 --> 00:27:32,208
and what I heard a long,
long time ago.
252
00:27:36,500 --> 00:27:38,666
I imagine
other people's memories
253
00:27:38,708 --> 00:27:41,500
are arranged continuously
like a line.
254
00:27:44,083 --> 00:27:48,625
My memory
is more like a pool of dots.
255
00:27:48,666 --> 00:27:50,333
Memories are all scattershot
256
00:27:50,375 --> 00:27:52,541
and never connected
in the right order.
257
00:27:56,083 --> 00:27:58,166
Mummy did turn the
sprinkler on at Number Eighty.
258
00:28:10,250 --> 00:28:12,208
The trouble
with scattered memories
259
00:28:12,250 --> 00:28:14,375
is that sometimes
they replay themselves
260
00:28:14,416 --> 00:28:17,791
in my head as if they've
only just taken place...
261
00:28:17,833 --> 00:28:20,125
and the emotions
I felt originally
262
00:28:20,166 --> 00:28:23,500
come rushing back to me
like a sudden storm.
263
00:28:27,750 --> 00:28:28,958
Daddy can't get the pizza.
264
00:28:29,000 --> 00:28:30,541
Daddy is getting pizza,
265
00:28:30,583 --> 00:28:32,958
and Daddy's getting
more dough balls now.
266
00:28:33,000 --> 00:28:34,375
Two minutes for pizza.
267
00:28:34,416 --> 00:28:35,583
Can you wait with Mummy please,
darling?
268
00:28:35,625 --> 00:28:37,250
There's no more pizza!
269
00:28:37,291 --> 00:28:39,083
No, no,
the pizza is coming.
270
00:28:39,125 --> 00:28:41,583
Daddy is bringing the pizza
- There's no pizza today!
271
00:28:41,625 --> 00:28:43,375
Don't panic,
there's gonna be a pizza.
272
00:28:43,416 --> 00:28:44,583
--Don't hurt me please.
273
00:28:44,625 --> 00:28:45,541
Don't hurt me.
274
00:28:45,583 --> 00:28:47,125
There's no more.
275
00:28:47,166 --> 00:28:49,000
Oh, no!
- Don't panic.
276
00:28:51,083 --> 00:28:53,500
There's no pizza!
277
00:28:53,541 --> 00:28:54,708
Daddy's gone to get one?
- Please, honey.
278
00:28:54,750 --> 00:28:55,708
Daddy's gone to get one.
279
00:29:05,958 --> 00:29:09,000
Exactly what
the next moment has in store
280
00:29:09,041 --> 00:29:12,333
never stops
being a big, big worry.
281
00:29:24,250 --> 00:29:26,041
It's pizza,
it's Joss' pizza!
282
00:29:26,083 --> 00:29:27,625
I brought you some pizza!
283
00:29:27,666 --> 00:29:29,333
Here!
284
00:29:29,375 --> 00:29:31,833
Daddy! You brought
the pizza. Thank you!
285
00:29:31,875 --> 00:29:33,791
Fucking Pizza Express.
286
00:29:54,541 --> 00:29:56,291
As he's hit puberty,
287
00:29:56,333 --> 00:29:58,666
his relationship
with that sensory world
288
00:29:58,708 --> 00:29:59,791
has changed.
289
00:30:01,875 --> 00:30:03,541
His anxiety is just huge.
290
00:30:25,416 --> 00:30:28,416
There are times
when I can't act,
291
00:30:28,458 --> 00:30:31,291
even though
I really badly want to.
292
00:30:47,958 --> 00:30:51,000
It's as if my whole body
belongs to someone else.
293
00:30:53,458 --> 00:30:56,708
As if I'm remote-controlling
a faulty robot.
294
00:31:15,958 --> 00:31:17,666
Get up.
295
00:31:17,708 --> 00:31:19,666
Daddy loves you.
Daddy loves you.
296
00:31:23,708 --> 00:31:25,541
Joss!
297
00:31:25,583 --> 00:31:27,291
Stop!
298
00:31:30,333 --> 00:31:32,333
Joss, stop! Stop!
299
00:31:35,000 --> 00:31:36,083
Stop hurting Daddy.
300
00:31:47,291 --> 00:31:49,208
It's a feeling
of helplessness
301
00:31:49,250 --> 00:31:52,208
which brings on a panic attack
or a meltdown.
302
00:31:52,250 --> 00:31:54,791
Even when I make
a tiny mistake,
303
00:31:54,833 --> 00:31:57,625
the fact of it starts rushing
towards me like a tsunami.
304
00:32:01,500 --> 00:32:03,541
To get away, I'll do anything.
305
00:32:04,833 --> 00:32:06,583
And afterwards,
306
00:32:06,625 --> 00:32:09,375
when I see the wreckage
I've made, I hate myself.
307
00:32:11,375 --> 00:32:12,833
I just hate myself.
308
00:32:19,833 --> 00:32:21,500
Hello.
- Hello.
309
00:32:21,541 --> 00:32:23,583
Let's go?
- Let's go!
310
00:32:29,083 --> 00:32:32,166
We had this kind of horrible,
hellish few months
311
00:32:32,208 --> 00:32:35,625
where his aggression
got worse and worse.
312
00:32:35,666 --> 00:32:38,208
From there on in,
something had just changed.
313
00:32:51,375 --> 00:32:53,291
He was expelled
from the school he was in...
314
00:32:54,416 --> 00:32:56,166
and we found a school
315
00:32:56,208 --> 00:32:58,958
that could take and cope
with children
316
00:32:59,000 --> 00:33:00,708
with really
challenging behavior.
317
00:33:05,166 --> 00:33:06,458
And so we took him there,
318
00:33:06,500 --> 00:33:08,041
and we had to leave him there.
319
00:33:11,875 --> 00:33:13,708
He comes home a lot...
320
00:33:13,750 --> 00:33:16,625
but that decision to send him
to a residential school
321
00:33:16,666 --> 00:33:18,916
was the most painful
we've ever had to make.
322
00:33:51,833 --> 00:33:53,958
They need to get
some more bubbles from the shop.
323
00:34:16,875 --> 00:34:18,333
Right, Joss,
324
00:34:18,375 --> 00:34:21,291
shall we see
what we've got today, yeah?
325
00:34:21,333 --> 00:34:24,500
Can we reach our hands
really nice and tall?
326
00:34:24,541 --> 00:34:25,875
Beautiful!
327
00:34:33,833 --> 00:34:35,708
What is the reason
I jump?
328
00:34:39,083 --> 00:34:44,291
I react physically to feelings
of sadness and happiness.
329
00:34:44,333 --> 00:34:48,083
So, when something happens
that affects me emotionally,
330
00:34:48,125 --> 00:34:51,583
my body seizes up
as if struck by lightning.
331
00:34:57,625 --> 00:35:00,250
But when I'm jumping,
332
00:35:00,291 --> 00:35:02,583
it's as if I'm shaking loose
the ropes
333
00:35:02,625 --> 00:35:04,916
that are tying me down...
334
00:35:04,958 --> 00:35:08,041
as if my feelings
are going upwards to the sky.
335
00:35:15,375 --> 00:35:18,625
If only I could just
flap my wings and fly off
336
00:35:18,666 --> 00:35:19,958
to some faraway place.
337
00:35:26,916 --> 00:35:29,041
'The Reason I Jump'
turned on its head
338
00:35:29,083 --> 00:35:30,916
many of the things
that we all think
339
00:35:30,958 --> 00:35:32,583
we know about autism.
340
00:35:32,625 --> 00:35:35,541
That people with autism
don't do emotions,
341
00:35:35,583 --> 00:35:39,958
uh, that they have
no imaginative intelligence.
342
00:35:40,000 --> 00:35:42,125
Naoki couldn't possibly
have written it,
343
00:35:42,166 --> 00:35:43,375
were these things true.
344
00:35:46,666 --> 00:35:49,125
And autistic people
who can write like Naoki does
345
00:35:49,166 --> 00:35:51,375
are in a bit of a double bind.
346
00:35:51,416 --> 00:35:54,583
Some people will not believe
that they have written the book,
347
00:35:54,625 --> 00:35:58,375
uh, or some people believe
they have written the book
348
00:35:58,416 --> 00:36:00,750
but, therefore, can't be--
can't possibly be
349
00:36:00,791 --> 00:36:03,500
properly autistic.
Only a little bit autistic.
350
00:36:06,083 --> 00:36:09,333
Nine, ten, over here,
and I've got three over here.
351
00:36:09,375 --> 00:36:12,291
Move to the other side, please.
352
00:36:15,083 --> 00:36:17,958
So, you're not late,
you're totally on time, Ben.
353
00:36:24,291 --> 00:36:26,583
I'll see you--
- See you on the ice!
354
00:36:33,416 --> 00:36:34,708
We've been waiting
for you!
355
00:36:52,750 --> 00:36:54,541
Mm-hmm.
- Yep. Let's do it!
356
00:37:10,500 --> 00:37:14,666
Ben, go! Move in. Yay!
357
00:37:14,708 --> 00:37:16,875
Awesome! Awesome!
358
00:37:16,916 --> 00:37:18,541
Alright, yeah!
359
00:37:53,208 --> 00:37:55,500
"Ah,
don't worry about him,
360
00:37:55,541 --> 00:37:57,583
he'd rather be on his own."
361
00:37:57,625 --> 00:38:00,000
How many times
have I heard this?
362
00:38:00,041 --> 00:38:04,375
The truth is, I'd love to be
with other people.
363
00:38:04,416 --> 00:38:07,333
I can't believe that anyone
born as a human being
364
00:38:07,375 --> 00:38:09,166
really wants
to be left on their own.
365
00:38:10,916 --> 00:38:12,458
When people don't talk,
366
00:38:12,500 --> 00:38:14,083
you assume
they're not understanding you.
367
00:38:14,125 --> 00:38:15,541
And then they assume
368
00:38:15,583 --> 00:38:16,750
that it's
a cognitive impairment.
369
00:38:18,583 --> 00:38:20,041
Ben is twenty-three.
370
00:38:20,083 --> 00:38:22,875
E.V. started working
with Ben when he was
371
00:38:22,916 --> 00:38:24,333
seven, E.V. baby?
372
00:38:24,375 --> 00:38:25,791
Seven or eight.
373
00:38:25,833 --> 00:38:29,916
And, um... at the time,
Ben had, what,
374
00:38:29,958 --> 00:38:33,833
an attention span of what,
about two minutes maybe?
375
00:38:33,875 --> 00:38:36,416
He was just all over the place,
376
00:38:36,458 --> 00:38:39,666
and we're trying to do
speech therapy with this kid.
377
00:38:42,416 --> 00:38:45,041
And finally, when Ben turned
I think sixteen, we said,
378
00:38:45,083 --> 00:38:46,583
"You know what E.V.?
379
00:38:46,625 --> 00:38:48,541
Speech therapy is not
what he needs."
380
00:38:48,583 --> 00:38:50,500
And E.V.,
bless her heart, said,
381
00:38:50,541 --> 00:38:52,125
"Let me try one more thing."
382
00:38:53,666 --> 00:38:55,333
Ready?
383
00:39:05,375 --> 00:39:09,208
"I never..."
384
00:39:09,250 --> 00:39:11,375
"I never..."
Go, look at it.
385
00:39:14,875 --> 00:39:15,875
Look at it.
386
00:39:19,625 --> 00:39:20,916
"I never dreamed..."
387
00:39:24,833 --> 00:39:27,375
"...this..." Get it.
388
00:39:28,916 --> 00:39:30,125
"...this was..."
389
00:39:33,166 --> 00:39:34,833
Get it. Get it.
390
00:39:36,375 --> 00:39:38,500
Get it.
391
00:39:38,541 --> 00:39:42,166
Good. Get it.
Look for the letter.
392
00:39:42,208 --> 00:39:45,291
"I never dreamed this was
POSSIB...
393
00:39:47,291 --> 00:39:48,958
...LE."
394
00:39:55,333 --> 00:39:58,791
When I first saw
kids spelling,
395
00:39:58,833 --> 00:40:01,250
that was it for me.
396
00:40:01,291 --> 00:40:04,666
Many people who are autistic
their brain knows what to do
397
00:40:04,708 --> 00:40:07,083
but they can't get it
to their body.
398
00:40:07,125 --> 00:40:09,750
And it made so much sense
looking at it
399
00:40:09,791 --> 00:40:12,583
from more of a motor skills
standpoint.
400
00:40:12,625 --> 00:40:14,875
Because speech is motor.
401
00:40:14,916 --> 00:40:17,333
Taking language
out of the fine motor
402
00:40:17,375 --> 00:40:19,541
of the speech, putting it
into the gross motor
403
00:40:19,583 --> 00:40:22,583
of the arm to point
made a lot of sense.
404
00:40:22,625 --> 00:40:24,333
--A...
405
00:40:25,208 --> 00:40:26,541
Look at it.
406
00:40:29,000 --> 00:40:30,500
Get it.
407
00:40:30,541 --> 00:40:35,833
--T, and it, W, go, O, go, R, go,
408
00:40:36,708 --> 00:40:39,708
K, go, E and D.
409
00:40:47,666 --> 00:40:52,625
If non-speakers
are capable of spelling
410
00:40:52,666 --> 00:40:55,083
and are capable of
intelligence,
411
00:40:55,125 --> 00:40:56,916
that really shakes
the foundation
412
00:40:56,958 --> 00:40:59,458
of a lot of things
that we've believed.
413
00:40:59,500 --> 00:41:03,666
Okay. "There was once
a time I had nothing..."
414
00:41:03,708 --> 00:41:05,500
You've gotta finish that,
that's kind of sad.
415
00:41:13,958 --> 00:41:17,833
EVERY
416
00:41:20,125 --> 00:41:24,291
Everything!
Everything!
417
00:41:28,375 --> 00:41:29,500
I'm done!
418
00:41:35,458 --> 00:41:38,208
Perhaps you're thinking
that it's no major effort
419
00:41:38,250 --> 00:41:40,416
for me to write
these sentences,
420
00:41:40,458 --> 00:41:42,916
but that isn't true at all.
421
00:41:42,958 --> 00:41:45,500
When I learned to use
the letter board,
422
00:41:45,541 --> 00:41:47,708
it let me anchor my words,
423
00:41:47,750 --> 00:41:50,333
words that would otherwise
flutter off
424
00:41:50,375 --> 00:41:54,125
as soon as I was able
to speak them.
425
00:41:54,166 --> 00:41:57,041
Can you imagine
the frustration...
426
00:41:57,083 --> 00:42:01,375
being autistic and non-verbal
and you hear everything
427
00:42:01,416 --> 00:42:02,916
and you see everything
and you feel everything
428
00:42:02,958 --> 00:42:05,291
but you can't respond?
429
00:42:05,333 --> 00:42:07,916
When you think about it
that explains the anger,
430
00:42:07,958 --> 00:42:09,875
it explains the...
431
00:42:09,916 --> 00:42:12,708
...you know, the violence,
the aggression.
432
00:42:12,750 --> 00:42:15,666
You-- you can't negotiate.
433
00:42:15,708 --> 00:42:19,458
To reach a point
where he is able to express,
434
00:42:19,500 --> 00:42:24,000
has just been a huge blessing.
435
00:42:30,500 --> 00:42:32,958
Please don't assume
that every word I speak
436
00:42:33,000 --> 00:42:35,500
is what I intend to say.
437
00:42:35,541 --> 00:42:37,375
Making sounds
with your mouth
438
00:42:37,416 --> 00:42:39,291
isn't the same thing
as communication.
439
00:42:39,333 --> 00:42:42,291
Let's go home, please. No more.
440
00:42:44,000 --> 00:42:45,833
Yeah!
- "We could finally..."
441
00:43:00,916 --> 00:43:02,666
"We could finally
let each other..."
442
00:43:02,708 --> 00:43:04,416
No more. No more!
443
00:43:14,416 --> 00:43:15,791
No more.
- "...how..."
444
00:43:18,958 --> 00:43:20,208
No, that's a...
445
00:43:23,416 --> 00:43:24,375
No more.
446
00:43:25,833 --> 00:43:29,291
"We could finally tell
each other how we felt."
447
00:43:29,333 --> 00:43:30,375
No more!
448
00:43:47,208 --> 00:43:49,708
No more! No more.
449
00:46:11,208 --> 00:46:13,875
Our kids
were both in preschool,
450
00:46:13,916 --> 00:46:17,833
that's when our families
first met.
451
00:46:17,875 --> 00:46:19,583
It seemed like Emma
was in a lot of pain
452
00:46:19,625 --> 00:46:21,333
and she could scream at us
all day long.
453
00:46:21,375 --> 00:46:22,833
There weren't many people
454
00:46:22,875 --> 00:46:24,541
that you could invite
into your home
455
00:46:24,583 --> 00:46:27,666
but we could always invite
Ben's family.
456
00:46:27,708 --> 00:46:29,458
And they seemed happy
to be together,
457
00:46:29,500 --> 00:46:32,458
but there was no way really
to gauge
458
00:46:32,500 --> 00:46:34,291
what they felt about each
other.
459
00:46:34,333 --> 00:46:35,958
Remember when we all
were together in Seattle?
460
00:46:36,000 --> 00:46:38,666
How about that?
- Oh, man!
461
00:46:38,708 --> 00:46:40,208
Alright, to the oldest
462
00:46:40,250 --> 00:46:42,166
and bestest friends...
- Cheers.
463
00:46:42,208 --> 00:46:43,500
Cheers.
- Come what may.
464
00:46:43,541 --> 00:46:45,125
Come what may.
465
00:46:46,291 --> 00:46:47,375
Cheers, Emma, cheers.
466
00:46:47,416 --> 00:46:48,791
Emma can you--
467
00:46:48,833 --> 00:46:50,250
Open the present,
open the present.
468
00:46:50,291 --> 00:46:51,916
Emma, can you do cheers
with Ben?
469
00:46:51,958 --> 00:46:53,250
Open the present.
470
00:46:53,291 --> 00:46:54,333
Can you do cheers with Emma?
471
00:46:54,375 --> 00:46:55,833
Oh, uh, uh, walk to Target.
472
00:46:55,875 --> 00:46:58,208
After we walk to Target.
Can you cheers with Ben?
473
00:46:58,250 --> 00:46:59,541
Go like this.
Ben's waiting for you.
474
00:46:59,583 --> 00:47:01,166
Hold your cup.
- Emma's going to Hawaii,
475
00:47:01,208 --> 00:47:03,666
Emma's going to Hawaii!
- There you go, cheers!
476
00:47:03,708 --> 00:47:04,750
Emma's going to Hawaii.
477
00:47:04,791 --> 00:47:06,416
Emma is going to Hawaii.
478
00:47:06,458 --> 00:47:09,666
You talk at an
incredible speed.
479
00:47:09,708 --> 00:47:12,125
Between thinking something
in your head
480
00:47:12,166 --> 00:47:15,333
and saying it, takes you
just a split second.
481
00:47:15,375 --> 00:47:17,291
Uh, Emma's going Target.
- To me,
482
00:47:17,333 --> 00:47:19,833
that's like magic.
- Target.
483
00:47:19,875 --> 00:47:22,625
I have to speak
in an unknown foreign language
484
00:47:22,666 --> 00:47:26,125
every minute of every day.
485
00:47:26,166 --> 00:47:28,458
Before they actually
started communicating
486
00:47:28,500 --> 00:47:30,958
using the letter board,
we put words in their mouths
487
00:47:31,000 --> 00:47:32,833
all the time.
- Yeah, exactly.
488
00:47:32,875 --> 00:47:36,833
You know, just to, kind of,
fill up the-- the-- the void.
489
00:47:36,875 --> 00:47:38,583
We would say,
"Hey, Ben, dadada."
490
00:47:38,625 --> 00:47:40,291
And then someone else says,
"Well, Ben says dadada."
491
00:47:40,333 --> 00:47:43,583
And then, of course,
you fast forward fifteen years
492
00:47:43,625 --> 00:47:48,041
and you realize that they--
they have been friends
493
00:47:48,083 --> 00:47:50,916
for so long.
That's what makes this unique.
494
00:47:50,958 --> 00:47:55,041
How do you establish and sustain
and nurture a friendship...
495
00:47:55,083 --> 00:47:57,375
for twenty years
496
00:47:57,416 --> 00:47:59,666
with no spoken language?
497
00:47:59,708 --> 00:48:02,291
Yeah.
498
00:48:17,291 --> 00:48:18,291
Walk to Target.
499
00:48:26,000 --> 00:48:27,291
Emma's going to Hawaii.
500
00:49:09,166 --> 00:49:12,500
Alright, this is the homework
that is due on Tuesday...
501
00:49:14,250 --> 00:49:17,208
...um, about Argentina.
502
00:49:19,708 --> 00:49:21,166
Intro to Argentina,
503
00:49:21,208 --> 00:49:23,291
Argentina
is the second largest country
504
00:49:23,333 --> 00:49:26,541
in South America,
eighth largest in the world,
505
00:49:26,583 --> 00:49:28,708
today it is seen as a democracy.
506
00:49:28,750 --> 00:49:31,416
Okay, we talked
about a few famous Argentinians,
507
00:49:31,458 --> 00:49:33,666
we talked about that in class
the other day.
508
00:49:33,708 --> 00:49:36,041
Um...
509
00:49:36,083 --> 00:49:37,083
Emma, do you remember...
510
00:49:38,291 --> 00:49:39,291
who we talked about?
511
00:49:49,458 --> 00:49:50,833
Peron. And do you remember
there was something
512
00:49:50,875 --> 00:49:54,208
very unique about...
513
00:49:54,250 --> 00:49:56,791
Peron, there was something
very unique about him,
514
00:49:56,833 --> 00:49:59,458
because after he died
515
00:49:59,500 --> 00:50:02,250
who was-- who replaced him?
516
00:50:02,291 --> 00:50:03,416
Touch it.
517
00:50:09,250 --> 00:50:11,041
His wife.
518
00:50:11,083 --> 00:50:14,583
They made a movie about her.
519
00:50:14,625 --> 00:50:16,375
Yeah, Em, we're gonna have lunch
in a little bit.
520
00:50:16,416 --> 00:50:17,916
Oh.
- After we do
521
00:50:17,958 --> 00:50:19,125
our homework.
We're going to do our homework,
522
00:50:19,166 --> 00:50:20,500
then we're gonna take a walk,
523
00:50:20,541 --> 00:50:22,208
and then we're gonna
eat our lunch.
524
00:50:22,250 --> 00:50:28,125
Do you guys remember who Peron
admired during the war.
525
00:50:28,166 --> 00:50:30,500
Do you remember who that was?
526
00:50:30,541 --> 00:50:32,125
We talked about this
the other day in class.
527
00:50:44,083 --> 00:50:46,875
Mussolini, that is correct.
528
00:50:49,666 --> 00:50:52,083
They've never been able
to do this before.
529
00:50:52,125 --> 00:50:53,541
I mean this is
530
00:50:53,583 --> 00:50:55,458
the first time
they've ever had any access
531
00:50:55,500 --> 00:50:56,791
to curriculum.
532
00:50:56,833 --> 00:51:00,583
Emma, what was education
like before?
533
00:51:00,625 --> 00:51:01,875
You had these classes to go to?
534
00:51:02,791 --> 00:51:05,083
T...
- T...
535
00:51:24,541 --> 00:51:25,750
"They wasted time."
536
00:51:28,708 --> 00:51:30,458
Okay, Ben. How do you feel?
537
00:51:37,708 --> 00:51:38,958
"They"...
538
00:52:11,333 --> 00:52:12,916
"They have denied
our civil rights."
539
00:52:12,958 --> 00:52:15,541
I'm sorry, Mommy.
Sorry, Mommy.
540
00:52:16,333 --> 00:52:17,583
Yeah, I'm sorry.
541
00:52:35,500 --> 00:52:37,916
I used to wonder
why nonspeaking me
542
00:52:37,958 --> 00:52:39,083
had ever been born.
543
00:52:44,500 --> 00:52:46,750
Autistic people have no
freedom.
544
00:52:49,083 --> 00:52:50,375
We need a place to belong.
545
00:52:52,541 --> 00:52:57,083
This world is our world...
there is no other.
546
00:54:13,208 --> 00:54:18,166
Jestina, she taught me
how to be a father.
547
00:54:19,750 --> 00:54:21,791
The type of love
we've got from her
548
00:54:21,833 --> 00:54:25,250
just changes your whole
perspective on life.
549
00:54:33,500 --> 00:54:37,791
--Hmm.
550
00:54:55,333 --> 00:54:57,666
I wish I could get a gift
that I loved this much!
551
00:55:04,041 --> 00:55:06,958
Seems like you can buy something
so expensive
552
00:55:07,000 --> 00:55:11,666
and, Jes, you're not bothered,
but the one that you like,
553
00:55:11,708 --> 00:55:13,916
it's all about the sensory, eh?
554
00:55:17,666 --> 00:55:20,541
Autistic people obsess
over certain things
555
00:55:20,583 --> 00:55:22,791
because we'd go crazy
if we didn't.
556
00:55:27,916 --> 00:55:32,166
Repetitive things
are comforting.
557
00:55:32,208 --> 00:55:36,291
They soothe me and protect me
from uncertainty.
558
00:56:03,458 --> 00:56:05,583
Oh, Jestina, football.
559
00:56:11,250 --> 00:56:12,416
Jes, let's go!
560
00:56:17,166 --> 00:56:19,041
Okay, it's time to go.
561
00:56:29,291 --> 00:56:30,791
Anywhere in the world,
562
00:56:30,833 --> 00:56:32,125
when you have a child
with autism,
563
00:56:32,166 --> 00:56:34,833
there's still a lot of stigma.
564
00:56:34,875 --> 00:56:37,291
As she grew up,
I started to realize that
565
00:56:37,333 --> 00:56:39,500
Jes wasn't looked at with love
or empathy,
566
00:56:39,541 --> 00:56:41,791
it was with hatred
and such negativity.
567
00:56:43,708 --> 00:56:46,500
One day,
just outside these gates,
568
00:56:46,541 --> 00:56:48,708
she went into crisis,
full-blown crisis,
569
00:56:48,750 --> 00:56:50,750
screaming, head-banging,
biting.
570
00:56:52,958 --> 00:56:56,250
And I just saw people,
they think...
571
00:56:56,291 --> 00:56:59,333
in Krio, they'll say...
"Debul don olan."
572
00:56:59,375 --> 00:57:00,958
So, "the devil
has possessed her."
573
00:57:53,083 --> 00:57:54,291
Jes knows, right?
574
00:58:24,000 --> 00:58:25,666
Oh, did that scare you?
575
00:58:34,791 --> 00:58:36,500
I wanted to meet
other parents
576
00:58:36,541 --> 00:58:38,458
with children with autism
577
00:58:38,500 --> 00:58:41,041
'cause I-- I didn't even see
such kids on the streets.
578
00:58:43,166 --> 00:58:45,833
So, we started with just
going into communities
579
00:58:45,875 --> 00:58:50,791
and quickly realized that
the stigma was so bad
580
00:58:50,833 --> 00:58:53,666
that the families were still
not really coming out.
581
00:58:55,833 --> 00:58:57,416
The problem is
582
00:58:57,458 --> 00:59:00,458
centuries of misunderstandings
about autism
583
00:59:00,500 --> 00:59:02,291
and that's not just
in Sierra Leone,
584
00:59:02,333 --> 00:59:03,958
but across the world.
585
00:59:08,125 --> 00:59:09,833
So...
586
00:59:09,875 --> 00:59:13,208
Today I want us to
share our experiences.
587
00:59:14,333 --> 00:59:17,541
I want people to understand
what we all are going through.
588
00:59:19,833 --> 00:59:21,916
My own daughter is
here at the back, Jes.
589
00:59:23,791 --> 00:59:26,583
So we're all in the
same shoes here.
590
00:59:27,041 --> 00:59:29,625
Truly I can say, I undertand.
591
00:59:34,875 --> 00:59:36,458
The neighbors and
their children...
592
00:59:37,000 --> 00:59:39,666
they say my child is mad.
593
00:59:40,250 --> 00:59:42,250
And we have to move out...
594
00:59:42,833 --> 00:59:45,416
because of pressure
from the community.
595
00:59:48,583 --> 00:59:50,375
Next, anybody?
596
00:59:50,416 --> 00:59:52,791
Everywhere people call
her negative names.
597
00:59:54,250 --> 00:59:55,916
They say she a devil.
598
00:59:56,458 --> 00:59:58,375
They say she a witch.
599
00:59:58,833 --> 01:00:02,166
Some say I myself must be
a witch to give birth to her.
600
01:00:03,333 --> 01:00:05,750
Everyone wants me to
get rid of this child.
601
01:00:06,125 --> 01:00:08,958
I have done everything I can.
602
01:00:09,750 --> 01:00:12,000
But I don't have
anyone to help me.
603
01:00:12,916 --> 01:00:15,791
People tell me to dump
her in the river...
604
01:00:16,208 --> 01:00:17,708
So I can find peace.
605
01:00:19,041 --> 01:00:20,833
This is our situation.
606
01:00:29,291 --> 01:00:32,833
Jes, Jes, Jestina!
607
01:00:42,125 --> 01:00:44,250
Because of the way
autism presents,
608
01:00:44,291 --> 01:00:48,083
the screams, the--
You know, the sudden jumps.
609
01:00:48,125 --> 01:00:49,750
No matter what you do,
610
01:00:49,791 --> 01:00:50,916
you're the family
with the devil child.
611
01:01:52,000 --> 01:01:55,333
I'm guessing that
what touches you in nature
612
01:01:55,375 --> 01:01:58,500
is the beauty of the trees
and the flowers and things.
613
01:02:01,666 --> 01:02:04,083
But for me,
614
01:02:04,125 --> 01:02:09,208
however often I'm ignored and
pushed away by other people,
615
01:02:09,250 --> 01:02:11,708
nature always embraces me.
616
01:02:17,583 --> 01:02:20,333
When I look at nature,
617
01:02:20,375 --> 01:02:23,833
I receive a sort of permission
to be alive in this world.
618
01:02:30,875 --> 01:02:32,791
The mentality
we have here,
619
01:02:32,833 --> 01:02:35,541
is that we give to children
620
01:02:35,583 --> 01:02:37,583
and we expect them
to look after us.
621
01:02:40,166 --> 01:02:42,750
So, when they look at kids
with autism,
622
01:02:42,791 --> 01:02:45,500
to them, those children
cannot give them back anything.
623
01:02:47,041 --> 01:02:48,791
And because of the pressure
624
01:02:48,833 --> 01:02:51,083
of the neighborhood,
pressure of the community,
625
01:02:51,125 --> 01:02:52,125
they tend to abandon them.
626
01:02:53,625 --> 01:02:55,291
They leave them in the bush.
627
01:03:01,541 --> 01:03:03,958
Kids like ours,
if they are alive,
628
01:03:04,000 --> 01:03:05,375
they're the lucky ones.
629
01:03:35,333 --> 01:03:36,791
For most of history,
630
01:03:36,833 --> 01:03:38,583
we've assigned autism
to demons,
631
01:03:38,625 --> 01:03:40,833
or to witchcraft
or in the early 20th century
632
01:03:40,875 --> 01:03:43,875
to 'retardation', um, and--
633
01:03:43,916 --> 01:03:46,750
And have acted accordingly,
I'm afraid.
634
01:03:46,791 --> 01:03:48,125
Um...
635
01:03:48,166 --> 01:03:49,791
...which I don't like
to think about,
636
01:03:49,833 --> 01:03:50,916
'cause that would have been
my son.
637
01:03:54,666 --> 01:03:56,791
Ah.
638
01:03:56,833 --> 01:03:58,500
Very occasionally,
639
01:03:58,541 --> 01:04:00,291
amongst such severely
disturbed children,
640
01:04:00,333 --> 01:04:02,083
a child may be seen
641
01:04:02,125 --> 01:04:03,875
quite out of touch with the
rest of the group,
642
01:04:03,916 --> 01:04:06,458
living apparently in a world
of its own.
643
01:04:06,500 --> 01:04:09,583
This is a 'psychotic' child.
644
01:04:09,625 --> 01:04:12,208
A child with autism suffers
645
01:04:12,250 --> 01:04:16,666
from a very specific kind of
a defect in his comprehension,
646
01:04:16,708 --> 01:04:18,500
in his cognitive ability.
647
01:04:20,625 --> 01:04:22,458
Eugenics seeks to apply
648
01:04:22,500 --> 01:04:24,291
the known laws of heredity
649
01:04:24,333 --> 01:04:26,750
so as to prevent
the degeneration of the race,
650
01:04:26,791 --> 01:04:28,750
and improve
its inborn qualities.
651
01:04:31,000 --> 01:04:33,875
We call upon a
merciful destiny...
652
01:04:34,750 --> 01:04:37,416
to liberate these
regrettable creatures...
653
01:04:37,708 --> 01:04:40,375
from their existence
without life.
654
01:04:44,875 --> 01:04:48,000
So, it's always been
with us, it's just...
655
01:04:48,041 --> 01:04:51,333
neurotypicals are rubbish
at understanding anything
656
01:04:51,375 --> 01:04:52,833
that is not neurotypical.
657
01:04:56,916 --> 01:04:58,458
We are born outside
658
01:04:58,500 --> 01:05:00,833
the regime
of your civilization.
659
01:05:05,291 --> 01:05:07,625
With all the killings
and planet-wrecking
660
01:05:07,666 --> 01:05:10,208
that humanity has committed,
661
01:05:10,250 --> 01:05:14,000
perhaps autism could help you
remember what truly matters.
662
01:05:32,833 --> 01:05:35,375
Look at you dancing
at your party.
663
01:05:35,416 --> 01:05:37,166
I loved that dancing you did.
664
01:05:39,291 --> 01:05:43,458
Yeah, Jes' turn, okay,
she knows, she knows.
665
01:05:43,500 --> 01:05:44,625
Your turn, Jes.
666
01:05:46,000 --> 01:05:48,500
--Jes' turn.
667
01:05:49,791 --> 01:05:50,916
Jes' turn.
668
01:05:52,833 --> 01:05:56,791
Yay! Yay!
669
01:05:56,833 --> 01:05:58,583
We cannot just
close our eyes
670
01:05:58,625 --> 01:06:00,333
to what we've seen.
671
01:06:00,375 --> 01:06:03,083
We need to do something
about it.
672
01:06:03,125 --> 01:06:05,833
We decided to take it
to a different level.
673
01:06:05,875 --> 01:06:09,958
Went to TV stations,
radio stations, to go all out,
674
01:06:10,000 --> 01:06:14,250
to get the nation to understand
what autism is.
675
01:06:14,291 --> 01:06:16,958
So that they'd be able to walk
the streets,
676
01:06:17,000 --> 01:06:18,791
you know,
without having that fear.
677
01:06:21,625 --> 01:06:23,000
They need a normal life.
678
01:06:26,125 --> 01:06:29,125
So eventually in 2017
679
01:06:29,166 --> 01:06:31,041
we set up a school.
680
01:06:33,458 --> 01:06:35,208
How do you feel?
681
01:06:35,250 --> 01:06:38,458
I feel fine.
682
01:06:38,500 --> 01:06:40,333
I started to see
a big difference,
683
01:06:40,375 --> 01:06:42,000
in the families' lives
and in the kids' lives.
684
01:06:44,208 --> 01:06:47,041
It's certainly the first school
of its kind.
685
01:06:47,083 --> 01:06:49,166
And eventually,
after many months,
686
01:06:49,208 --> 01:06:51,500
we got the community
on our side.
687
01:06:51,541 --> 01:06:54,000
I think they were fearful
because they didn't know
688
01:06:54,041 --> 01:06:55,791
what was wrong
and all they knew
689
01:06:55,833 --> 01:06:57,875
was these traditional beliefs.
690
01:06:57,916 --> 01:07:00,916
But now though we've seen
a total turnaround.
691
01:07:00,958 --> 01:07:03,041
They know most of our kids
by name now,
692
01:07:03,083 --> 01:07:05,458
so when they're coming down
the road they'll call them,
693
01:07:05,500 --> 01:07:07,458
say "Hi."
694
01:07:07,500 --> 01:07:09,291
So, I think the fact that
we now have that relationship
695
01:07:09,333 --> 01:07:12,458
with the community,
means our kids are safe there.
696
01:07:15,833 --> 01:07:18,250
The new government
has recognized the school
697
01:07:18,291 --> 01:07:22,333
and I think the narrative
is changing for Sierra Leone.
698
01:07:22,375 --> 01:07:25,500
What is in the box?
699
01:07:25,541 --> 01:07:29,833
--You don't know?
700
01:07:31,625 --> 01:07:38,041
There is a lunch box!
701
01:07:39,500 --> 01:07:40,916
Who wants to go to school?
702
01:07:45,083 --> 01:07:47,875
I want to grow up
learning a million things.
703
01:07:50,625 --> 01:07:53,625
There must be
countless other autistic people
704
01:07:53,666 --> 01:07:54,916
who have the same desire.
705
01:07:58,958 --> 01:08:00,916
We too want to grow.
706
01:08:04,250 --> 01:08:06,625
Welcome
to North Foreland lighthouse.
707
01:08:07,958 --> 01:08:10,666
It was originally built in 1691.
708
01:08:12,416 --> 01:08:15,708
It's very high, Joss,
very high.
709
01:08:19,125 --> 01:08:21,041
It's a house.
- It is a house,
710
01:08:21,083 --> 01:08:22,041
it's a lighthouse.
711
01:08:25,291 --> 01:08:26,791
Can you hear the wind?
712
01:08:35,125 --> 01:08:37,375
The hardest ordeal
for me
713
01:08:37,416 --> 01:08:42,416
is the idea that I am causing
grief for other people.
714
01:08:42,458 --> 01:08:45,958
Please keep battling
alongside me.
715
01:09:01,875 --> 01:09:03,333
We're in the color tent!
716
01:09:03,375 --> 01:09:04,583
We are in the color tent!
717
01:09:04,625 --> 01:09:05,750
The boys are happy?
718
01:09:05,791 --> 01:09:07,750
Joss is going back to see Mummy.
719
01:09:10,958 --> 01:09:12,166
Joss, everything is blue!
720
01:09:13,583 --> 01:09:16,875
Everything is red!
721
01:09:16,916 --> 01:09:20,000
We're in
the color tent!
722
01:09:20,958 --> 01:09:22,291
Oh, Joss!
723
01:09:29,625 --> 01:09:32,625
Right now, Joss is having a joy
that I will never come close to.
724
01:09:43,041 --> 01:09:46,666
Being with Joss
is to live more in the moment.
725
01:09:46,708 --> 01:09:50,708
It's to let go of the long
train of things
726
01:09:50,750 --> 01:09:52,833
that we all carry around
behind us,
727
01:09:52,875 --> 01:09:56,041
and that interfere
with us living now.
728
01:10:29,625 --> 01:10:32,166
I used to think
it would be the best thing
729
01:10:32,208 --> 01:10:35,125
if I could live my life
like other people.
730
01:10:35,166 --> 01:10:38,958
But now, even if somebody
could change my autism,
731
01:10:39,000 --> 01:10:41,666
I would choose to stay
as I am.
732
01:10:54,416 --> 01:10:58,666
For me, you see,
autism is normal.
733
01:10:58,708 --> 01:11:02,333
I can't be sure what your
normal is even like.
734
01:11:08,708 --> 01:11:12,041
The future
is an undiscovered country,
735
01:11:12,083 --> 01:11:16,666
literally, for us, and our hope
is that there will be a place
736
01:11:16,708 --> 01:11:20,166
for Joss, there will be a world,
there will be a society,
737
01:11:20,208 --> 01:11:22,416
there will be an understanding
for Joss that would mean
738
01:11:22,458 --> 01:11:26,250
that when we are not here,
he will be okay.
739
01:11:26,291 --> 01:11:29,125
And that's what we-- That's...
740
01:11:33,750 --> 01:11:34,750
That's...
741
01:11:39,458 --> 01:11:42,916
This is why we don't go
to the future very often.
742
01:11:42,958 --> 01:11:46,250
Because the idea that Joss
is going to be alone
743
01:11:46,291 --> 01:11:47,291
is really frightening.
744
01:12:10,375 --> 01:12:11,833
It sounds like
I'm nagging you,
745
01:12:11,875 --> 01:12:14,583
but you know what?
I'm getting you ready.
746
01:12:14,625 --> 01:12:16,333
Mommy's not gonna come
and fold clothes
747
01:12:16,375 --> 01:12:18,500
at your new apartment. Huh?
748
01:12:18,541 --> 01:12:21,625
I'm not gonna do that!
749
01:12:21,666 --> 01:12:22,708
Let's try another way.
750
01:12:30,916 --> 01:12:33,125
And? Hmm?
751
01:12:33,166 --> 01:12:34,333
Keep going, keep going.
752
01:12:36,250 --> 01:12:37,250
Keep going.
753
01:12:39,583 --> 01:12:40,791
Okay, what's next?
754
01:12:43,541 --> 01:12:45,291
Hmm.
755
01:12:45,333 --> 01:12:46,958
Look, look, look,
come on, Ben!
756
01:12:52,208 --> 01:12:53,291
Try it your way!
757
01:12:55,083 --> 01:12:57,458
Let's see if that works,
you may have discovered
758
01:12:57,500 --> 01:13:00,541
a new way, that's better
than Mommy's way.
759
01:13:00,583 --> 01:13:02,916
Okay, now what do you do?
To get it to look like that,
760
01:13:02,958 --> 01:13:04,458
what are you going to do next?
761
01:13:07,375 --> 01:13:09,958
Ah, interesting, you know,
it's interesting!
762
01:13:10,000 --> 01:13:11,333
What do you think?
It's gonna be
763
01:13:11,375 --> 01:13:12,416
a little bit different
with Mommy
764
01:13:12,458 --> 01:13:13,875
not doing laundry every day.
765
01:13:15,333 --> 01:13:16,500
Hmm?
766
01:13:58,916 --> 01:14:00,791
The building
is under construction.
767
01:14:00,833 --> 01:14:02,916
Just got to be careful
where we walk.
768
01:14:02,958 --> 01:14:05,500
When you move in
in a couple of months
769
01:14:05,541 --> 01:14:07,500
you'll have a full orientation
770
01:14:07,541 --> 01:14:09,916
and tour of everything
in the building,
771
01:14:09,958 --> 01:14:13,666
including how the elevators work
and where the laundry rooms are.
772
01:14:13,708 --> 01:14:16,041
And today we're gonna take
a look at the rooms.
773
01:14:17,750 --> 01:14:21,041
Yes! Emma say yes!
774
01:14:30,875 --> 01:14:33,750
So, do you want to
come look in the bedrooms?
775
01:14:33,791 --> 01:14:34,833
Emma say yes!
776
01:15:00,666 --> 01:15:02,833
So a very warm welcome
to everyone gathered here
777
01:15:02,875 --> 01:15:04,625
for Amrit's solo show,
778
01:15:04,666 --> 01:15:06,833
'Metro Diaries,
Lives Extraordinaire.'
779
01:15:58,041 --> 01:16:00,000
I think
we can change the conversation
780
01:16:00,041 --> 01:16:01,833
around autism.
781
01:16:03,333 --> 01:16:05,791
B... Get it. Y. "By..."
782
01:16:11,666 --> 01:16:12,750
"By being..."
783
01:16:17,041 --> 01:16:17,958
" ...part..."
784
01:16:19,916 --> 01:16:20,875
Get it.
785
01:16:21,625 --> 01:16:23,250
"...part of..."
786
01:16:26,166 --> 01:16:27,375
"Part of the..."
787
01:16:30,375 --> 01:16:31,625
Right to it.
788
01:16:33,458 --> 01:16:34,541
Look at it.
789
01:16:43,250 --> 01:16:45,250
"I think
we can change the conversation
790
01:16:45,291 --> 01:16:48,291
around autism by being part
of the conversation."
791
01:17:24,791 --> 01:17:27,666
When I was little,
there was always a question
792
01:17:27,708 --> 01:17:30,250
that was a big, big worry.
793
01:17:30,291 --> 01:17:33,166
What am I going to become?
794
01:17:33,208 --> 01:17:35,000
Will I ever be able
to live properly
795
01:17:35,041 --> 01:17:36,208
as a human being?
796
01:17:43,625 --> 01:17:46,666
I don't pretend for a moment
that everything I've written
797
01:17:46,708 --> 01:17:48,625
applies
to all autistic people...
798
01:17:49,666 --> 01:17:51,250
but I wrote this book
799
01:17:51,291 --> 01:17:54,333
so that you can come
to understand me.
800
01:17:54,375 --> 01:17:56,541
In the hope that my future
801
01:17:56,583 --> 01:17:58,458
will be connected
with your future.
802
01:18:02,916 --> 01:18:06,041
Above all, that's what I want.
803
01:18:47,791 --> 01:18:50,625
♪ Having trouble telling
How I feel ♪
804
01:18:50,666 --> 01:18:55,541
♪ But I can dance,
Dance, dance ♪
805
01:18:55,583 --> 01:18:58,666
♪ Couldn't possibly tell you
How I mean ♪
806
01:18:58,708 --> 01:19:02,416
♪ But I can
Dance, dance, dance ♪
807
01:19:02,458 --> 01:19:06,291
♪ So when I'm tripping my feet
Look at the beat ♪
808
01:19:06,333 --> 01:19:10,458
♪ The words are written
In the sand ♪
809
01:19:10,500 --> 01:19:14,166
♪ When I'm shaking my hips
Look for the swing ♪
810
01:19:14,208 --> 01:19:18,375
♪ The words are
Written in the air ♪
811
01:19:18,416 --> 01:19:25,833
♪ Ooh dance
I was a dancer all along ♪
812
01:19:25,875 --> 01:19:29,750
♪ Dance, dance, dance ♪
813
01:19:29,791 --> 01:19:32,958
♪ Words could never make up
For what you do ♪
814
01:19:35,166 --> 01:19:38,041
♪ Easy conversations
No such thing ♪
815
01:19:38,083 --> 01:19:42,750
♪ No I'm shy, shy, shy ♪
816
01:19:42,791 --> 01:19:47,208
♪ My hips they lie
'Cause in reality ♪
817
01:19:47,250 --> 01:19:49,625
♪ I'm shy, shy, shy ♪
818
01:19:49,666 --> 01:19:53,708
♪ So when I'm tripping my feet
Look at the ground ♪
819
01:19:53,750 --> 01:19:57,875
♪ The words are written
In the dust ♪
820
01:19:57,916 --> 01:20:01,541
♪ When I'm shaking my hips
Look for the swing ♪
821
01:20:01,583 --> 01:20:05,666
♪ The words are written
In the air ♪
822
01:20:05,708 --> 01:20:13,083
♪ Ooh dance
I was a dancer all along ♪
823
01:20:13,125 --> 01:20:17,041
♪ Dance, dance, dance ♪
824
01:20:17,083 --> 01:20:20,500
♪ Words could never make up
For what you do ♪
825
01:20:37,041 --> 01:20:44,458
♪ Ooh dance
I was a dancer all along ♪
826
01:20:44,500 --> 01:20:48,250
♪ Dance, dance, dance ♪
827
01:20:48,291 --> 01:20:52,125
♪ Words could never make up
For what you do ♪
828
01:20:52,166 --> 01:20:55,750
♪ Dance, dance, dance ♪
829
01:20:55,791 --> 01:21:00,041
♪ Ooh I was a dancer
all along ♪
830
01:21:00,083 --> 01:21:03,750
♪ Dance, dance, dance ♪
831
01:21:03,791 --> 01:21:07,791
♪ Words could never make up
For what you do ♪
832
01:21:07,833 --> 01:21:15,583
♪ Dance, dance, dance, dance ♪
833
01:21:15,625 --> 01:21:23,375
♪ Dance, dance,
dance, dance ♪
834
01:21:23,416 --> 01:21:27,416
♪ Dance, dance, dance, dance ♪
835
01:21:27,458 --> 01:21:31,208
♪ Oh I was a dancer
all along ♪
836
01:21:31,250 --> 01:21:34,958
♪ Dance, dance, dance ♪
- ♪ Dance, dance, dance ♪
837
01:21:35,000 --> 01:21:39,125
♪ Now words could never make up
For what you do ♪
838
01:21:39,166 --> 01:21:46,833
♪ Dance, dance, dance, dance ♪
57543
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