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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:32,848 --> 00:00:36,551 Your Excellency. Welcome to Wickenberg, sir. 2 00:01:15,457 --> 00:01:17,992 Well, good morning, James. 3 00:01:17,994 --> 00:01:19,894 Hi, Artie. Anything happening? 4 00:01:19,896 --> 00:01:20,895 Oh, same old thing. 5 00:01:20,897 --> 00:01:23,064 Just a different town. Thank you. 6 00:01:23,066 --> 00:01:25,132 As I was saying, Colonel Pellargo, 7 00:01:25,134 --> 00:01:27,068 welcome to Wickenberg. 8 00:01:27,070 --> 00:01:29,637 You're very capable. Your name? 9 00:01:29,639 --> 00:01:31,472 My name is James West, 10 00:01:31,474 --> 00:01:33,641 and this is my partner Artemus Gordon. 11 00:01:35,311 --> 00:01:37,378 Assigned to me by your government? 12 00:01:37,380 --> 00:01:38,779 That's right, sir. 13 00:01:40,816 --> 00:01:42,417 I approve. 14 00:02:10,679 --> 00:02:14,115 I trust you will forgive my men. 15 00:02:14,117 --> 00:02:17,318 They were only trying to keep me from being murdered. 16 00:02:17,320 --> 00:02:19,387 Well, if that's what I had on my mind, 17 00:02:19,389 --> 00:02:21,789 I could have murdered you easily. 18 00:02:21,791 --> 00:02:23,524 And if you had, Mr. West, 19 00:02:23,526 --> 00:02:26,361 there'd be no harm done, would there? 20 00:02:33,335 --> 00:02:34,636 A double, 21 00:02:34,638 --> 00:02:36,638 or should I say a lightning rod? 22 00:02:36,640 --> 00:02:37,805 If you prefer. 23 00:02:37,807 --> 00:02:40,107 But a lightning rod 24 00:02:40,109 --> 00:02:42,477 who is handsomely paid for the risks he takes. 25 00:02:42,479 --> 00:02:45,313 Very ingenious. You had me fooled. 26 00:02:45,315 --> 00:02:48,716 Pellargo has many people fooled, Mr. West, 27 00:02:48,718 --> 00:02:50,084 which is why Pellargo 28 00:02:50,086 --> 00:02:51,653 is still listed among the living, eh? 29 00:02:54,323 --> 00:02:56,891 Sir? Your Excellency? 30 00:02:56,893 --> 00:02:58,559 Fifteen minutes is all I can give you. 31 00:02:58,561 --> 00:02:59,827 Work fast and efficiently. 32 00:02:59,829 --> 00:03:01,829 Yes, sir, Your Excellency. Yes, sir. 33 00:03:10,839 --> 00:03:13,508 An old custom in my country: 34 00:03:13,510 --> 00:03:14,975 A portrait of its ruler 35 00:03:14,977 --> 00:03:17,312 to be distributed amongst the people. 36 00:03:17,314 --> 00:03:19,580 As a substitute for bread? 37 00:03:19,582 --> 00:03:23,117 I like you, Mr. West. 38 00:03:23,119 --> 00:03:25,720 You say what you think. 39 00:03:25,722 --> 00:03:28,088 My country, alas, is poor. 40 00:03:28,090 --> 00:03:30,958 We cannot afford both portraits and bread. 41 00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:34,329 So your people get portraits. 42 00:03:34,331 --> 00:03:35,596 Why not? 43 00:03:35,598 --> 00:03:38,165 My people are completely dedicated 44 00:03:38,167 --> 00:03:39,867 to two basic objectives. 45 00:03:39,869 --> 00:03:41,836 The first is eking out 46 00:03:41,838 --> 00:03:44,505 a wretched hand-to-mouth existence, 47 00:03:44,507 --> 00:03:45,540 and the second- 48 00:03:45,542 --> 00:03:47,508 Trying to assassinate you. 49 00:03:47,510 --> 00:03:51,045 From time to time, yes. 50 00:03:51,047 --> 00:03:53,180 I'm a reasonable man. 51 00:03:53,182 --> 00:03:56,016 I'm willing to grant them the first, 52 00:03:56,018 --> 00:03:57,985 but never the second. 53 00:04:00,356 --> 00:04:03,491 Hold it, sir. Hold it. 54 00:04:57,379 --> 00:04:59,514 Where'd he go? 55 00:04:59,516 --> 00:05:01,682 He disappeared into thin air... 56 00:05:02,751 --> 00:05:04,118 or thick walls. 57 00:05:17,599 --> 00:05:20,735 He was kind enough to leave a souvenir behind, 58 00:05:23,572 --> 00:05:25,840 complete with bloodstains. 59 00:07:06,041 --> 00:07:07,875 Ah. 60 00:07:07,877 --> 00:07:10,611 Good evening, Mr. Antille. You're a few moments late. 61 00:07:10,613 --> 00:07:11,913 My arm is hurting. 62 00:07:11,915 --> 00:07:13,748 Yes, well, I can see you've got a wound there, 63 00:07:13,750 --> 00:07:15,049 and I'll take care of it for you. 64 00:07:15,051 --> 00:07:17,151 Uh, the blood. Uh, don't drop it on the carpet 65 00:07:17,153 --> 00:07:19,854 because it gives the mourners a very bad impression. 66 00:07:19,856 --> 00:07:21,923 Um, will you follow me, please? 67 00:07:29,197 --> 00:07:31,999 Oh, uh, you just, uh, sit down here 68 00:07:32,001 --> 00:07:35,335 on the table, will you, please? 69 00:07:38,607 --> 00:07:40,908 It's not a very comfortable table, but then, 70 00:07:40,910 --> 00:07:42,877 very few of my clients complain about it. 71 00:07:51,152 --> 00:07:52,352 Now... 72 00:07:53,756 --> 00:07:55,489 Oh, it hurts, does it? 73 00:07:55,491 --> 00:07:56,490 Yes. 74 00:07:56,492 --> 00:07:58,258 Well, let me see that. 75 00:07:58,260 --> 00:08:00,394 Well, you're very fortunate, you know. 76 00:08:00,396 --> 00:08:02,597 That's just a flesh wound. 77 00:08:02,599 --> 00:08:05,933 We'll have that taken care of right away. 78 00:08:05,935 --> 00:08:07,301 There. 79 00:08:07,303 --> 00:08:09,837 I trust you accomplished your mission tonight, hmm? 80 00:08:09,839 --> 00:08:11,205 I always do. 81 00:08:11,207 --> 00:08:13,307 Why should this job be an exception? 82 00:08:13,309 --> 00:08:15,109 Heh-heh-heh! Well, very good, very good. 83 00:08:15,111 --> 00:08:17,511 Very good. Congratulations. 84 00:08:17,513 --> 00:08:18,713 Well, that being done, 85 00:08:18,715 --> 00:08:22,282 I suppose it remains now only for me 86 00:08:23,318 --> 00:08:26,020 to fulfill the little service 87 00:08:26,022 --> 00:08:27,622 that you and I contracted for, eh? 88 00:08:27,624 --> 00:08:30,958 The agent guarding Pellargo came after me. 89 00:08:30,960 --> 00:08:33,060 I suppose they'll soon be searching the whole area. 90 00:08:34,497 --> 00:08:36,964 Uh, yes. I anticipated that. 91 00:08:36,966 --> 00:08:41,068 And so we have accommodations provided for you right here. 92 00:08:41,070 --> 00:08:42,369 I'll show you. 93 00:08:45,440 --> 00:08:49,010 Here you have our slumber wall. 94 00:08:55,851 --> 00:08:58,519 Ooh, sorry, old boy. Occupied. 95 00:09:04,292 --> 00:09:07,662 Voilà, as they say in Paris, France. 96 00:09:07,664 --> 00:09:09,697 Must it be there? 97 00:09:09,699 --> 00:09:13,734 Oh, well, really, this is the safest place, you know, 98 00:09:13,736 --> 00:09:15,036 in case of a search. 99 00:09:15,038 --> 00:09:19,674 And our other guests will never disturb your rest. 100 00:09:31,253 --> 00:09:34,689 ♪ She wheeled a wheelbarrow ♪ 101 00:09:34,691 --> 00:09:37,992 ♪ Through the streets Broad and narrow ♪ 102 00:09:37,994 --> 00:09:41,395 ♪ Singing cockles and mussels ♪ 103 00:09:41,397 --> 00:09:46,633 ♪ Alive, alive, oh ♪ 104 00:09:46,635 --> 00:09:51,405 ♪ She was a fishmonger And sure 'twas no wonder ♪ 105 00:09:51,407 --> 00:09:56,577 ♪ For her father and mother Were fishmongers too ♪ 106 00:10:01,983 --> 00:10:05,753 ♪ Now, they wheeled Their wheelbarrow ♪ 107 00:10:09,191 --> 00:10:13,060 ♪ Through streets Broad and narrow ♪ 108 00:10:13,062 --> 00:10:14,494 ♪ Singing ♪ 109 00:10:16,698 --> 00:10:21,368 ♪ Cockles and mussels ♪ 110 00:10:21,370 --> 00:10:23,838 ♪ Alive, alive ♪ 111 00:10:23,840 --> 00:10:26,340 ♪ Oh ♪ 112 00:10:26,342 --> 00:10:29,243 ♪ Alive ♪ 113 00:10:29,245 --> 00:10:30,945 ♪ Oh ♪ 114 00:10:43,125 --> 00:10:46,493 There was no reason for you to come to me, Señora Pellargo. 115 00:10:46,495 --> 00:10:48,262 I would have gladly come to you. 116 00:10:49,231 --> 00:10:52,032 I wanted to walk. 117 00:10:52,034 --> 00:10:55,770 Walls in my room were beginning to close in on me. 118 00:10:55,772 --> 00:10:57,337 What did you wish to see me about? 119 00:10:57,339 --> 00:11:00,107 I've been entrusted to deliver this telegram to you 120 00:11:00,109 --> 00:11:01,708 from the president of the United States. 121 00:11:01,710 --> 00:11:04,145 An official expression of sorrow? 122 00:11:04,147 --> 00:11:07,214 Sympathy? Heartfelt condolences? Am I correct? 123 00:11:08,650 --> 00:11:11,252 Will that bring back my husband 124 00:11:11,254 --> 00:11:14,989 or bring his murderer to justice? 125 00:11:14,991 --> 00:11:16,957 I'm sorry, señora, 126 00:11:16,959 --> 00:11:18,325 but you might be interested to know 127 00:11:18,327 --> 00:11:20,060 we've identified your husband's murderer. 128 00:11:20,062 --> 00:11:21,796 Who is he? 129 00:11:24,900 --> 00:11:27,601 Claudio Antille, assassin, 130 00:11:27,603 --> 00:11:29,569 courtesy of Washington's file 131 00:11:29,571 --> 00:11:31,405 of international wanted criminals. 132 00:11:31,407 --> 00:11:36,076 Portrait of a murderer. 133 00:11:36,078 --> 00:11:38,112 The United States has been made to look responsible 134 00:11:38,114 --> 00:11:39,914 for your husband's death. 135 00:11:39,916 --> 00:11:41,715 How is it possible that this man 136 00:11:41,717 --> 00:11:43,818 has accomplished what he set out to do? 137 00:11:43,820 --> 00:11:46,653 Antille is, in his own way, very capable. 138 00:11:46,655 --> 00:11:48,322 Think of his preparation. 139 00:11:48,324 --> 00:11:50,257 He arrived only two months ago, 140 00:11:50,259 --> 00:11:52,293 set up his shop as a photographer 141 00:11:52,295 --> 00:11:54,428 under an assumed name. 142 00:11:54,430 --> 00:11:56,763 And then he waited patiently until- 143 00:11:59,301 --> 00:12:01,735 Oh, excuse me, señora. 144 00:12:01,737 --> 00:12:03,470 Can I see you for a minute, Jim? 145 00:12:09,878 --> 00:12:11,312 What is it? Antille? 146 00:12:12,580 --> 00:12:13,714 He's been found. 147 00:12:13,716 --> 00:12:17,151 Oh, thank heaven. 148 00:12:18,619 --> 00:12:21,222 What does a murderer say when he is caught? 149 00:12:23,024 --> 00:12:25,025 In this case, nothing. 150 00:12:26,895 --> 00:12:27,995 He's dead. 151 00:12:46,147 --> 00:12:48,515 Are you sure you feel up to this? 152 00:12:48,517 --> 00:12:49,649 I want to do it. 153 00:12:49,651 --> 00:12:51,051 It'll be painful. 154 00:12:51,053 --> 00:12:53,320 So was the loss of my husband. 155 00:12:53,322 --> 00:12:55,522 I want to see his murderer. 156 00:13:07,102 --> 00:13:08,802 Ah, good day. 157 00:13:08,804 --> 00:13:12,773 Can I be of assistance to you in your hour of sadness? 158 00:13:12,775 --> 00:13:14,341 Are you in charge here? 159 00:13:14,343 --> 00:13:17,577 Yes, I'm Fabian Lavendor, the director. 160 00:13:17,579 --> 00:13:18,712 You have a body here 161 00:13:18,714 --> 00:13:21,181 presumed to be that of Claudio Antille. 162 00:13:21,183 --> 00:13:24,851 Oh, yes, that one. Yes, we have him here. 163 00:13:24,853 --> 00:13:26,453 How does he happen to be here? 164 00:13:26,455 --> 00:13:29,689 Well, that was irregular, but the men who found him 165 00:13:29,691 --> 00:13:32,293 simply said this was the nearest available place, 166 00:13:32,295 --> 00:13:34,261 so I could hardly turn them away. 167 00:13:34,263 --> 00:13:36,897 I notified the police very soon after. 168 00:13:36,899 --> 00:13:38,065 Who brought him in? 169 00:13:38,067 --> 00:13:39,466 They were two laborers. 170 00:13:39,468 --> 00:13:42,136 They declined to give their names. 171 00:13:42,138 --> 00:13:44,671 And I have no authority to force that kind of information. 172 00:13:44,673 --> 00:13:47,607 They left rather quickly before I had a chance 173 00:13:47,609 --> 00:13:49,709 to discover the bullet wound in the departed. 174 00:13:49,711 --> 00:13:51,745 You made the identification? 175 00:13:51,747 --> 00:13:55,549 Yes, from some papers in the coat and a- A letter. 176 00:13:55,551 --> 00:13:58,352 I'll get them for you. 177 00:13:58,354 --> 00:14:02,656 Uh, are you and madam related to the deceased? 178 00:14:02,658 --> 00:14:06,660 The, uh, señora is the widow of the man Antille killed. 179 00:14:06,662 --> 00:14:09,596 Oh, I see. Well, I'm- I'm very sorry. 180 00:14:09,598 --> 00:14:11,865 My sympathies, and if I can be 181 00:14:11,867 --> 00:14:14,201 of professional service to the señora, why- 182 00:14:14,203 --> 00:14:16,003 It's been taken care of, thank you. 183 00:14:16,005 --> 00:14:17,237 May we see the body, please? 184 00:14:17,239 --> 00:14:19,974 Of course. He's reposing right here in the chapel, 185 00:14:19,976 --> 00:14:21,575 so if you'll step this way. 186 00:14:32,854 --> 00:14:35,456 So that's the monster. 187 00:14:39,828 --> 00:14:41,895 Could you please take care of the señora for a moment? 188 00:14:41,897 --> 00:14:44,531 Yes, of course. Come this way, señora. 189 00:14:44,533 --> 00:14:46,833 We've got some smelling salts. 190 00:15:36,385 --> 00:15:40,554 Oh, no more, please. I'm quite all right now. 191 00:15:40,556 --> 00:15:41,988 I'm sorry to have kept you waiting, 192 00:15:41,990 --> 00:15:44,891 but I had to be positive. I'll have to keep these papers. 193 00:15:44,893 --> 00:15:47,494 Yes, of course. About the financial... 194 00:15:47,496 --> 00:15:49,263 I'll see that the government reimburses you. 195 00:15:49,265 --> 00:15:51,098 Fine. Mm-hmm. 196 00:16:11,819 --> 00:16:13,220 Sorry, old boy. 197 00:16:13,222 --> 00:16:16,656 I had hoped to send you off with a little pomp and ceremony, 198 00:16:16,658 --> 00:16:17,891 however... 199 00:17:04,071 --> 00:17:05,439 Artemus... 200 00:17:06,907 --> 00:17:08,008 Gordon. 201 00:17:09,511 --> 00:17:11,478 There. 202 00:17:11,480 --> 00:17:13,480 Case closed and report completed. 203 00:17:13,482 --> 00:17:16,183 Sign on the dotted line, Jim. 204 00:17:16,185 --> 00:17:19,686 Something still bothers me. Like what? 205 00:17:19,688 --> 00:17:22,456 I don't know exactly. I still keep wondering 206 00:17:22,458 --> 00:17:24,724 how Antille got out of that blind alley. 207 00:17:24,726 --> 00:17:27,127 What difference does it make? He's dead. 208 00:17:27,129 --> 00:17:28,529 Wonder why. 209 00:17:28,531 --> 00:17:30,130 Well, the coroner's report says 210 00:17:30,132 --> 00:17:33,700 because of unseemly familiarity with a bullet. 211 00:17:33,702 --> 00:17:35,702 Our job's finished. 212 00:17:35,704 --> 00:17:37,671 Is it? 213 00:17:37,673 --> 00:17:39,439 Look, what's eating you, Jim? 214 00:17:39,441 --> 00:17:42,075 Antille killed Pellargo. He tried to kill you, then me, 215 00:17:42,077 --> 00:17:43,943 finally wound up as your target. 216 00:17:43,945 --> 00:17:47,347 What if it wasn't Antille's body in that coffin? 217 00:17:47,349 --> 00:17:48,582 How could it not be? 218 00:17:48,584 --> 00:17:50,617 You recognized his face, didn't you? 219 00:17:50,619 --> 00:17:52,118 I did. 220 00:17:52,120 --> 00:17:54,221 His wallet and papers are authentic. 221 00:17:54,223 --> 00:17:56,823 The scars on his body match the description in the dossier, 222 00:17:56,825 --> 00:17:58,625 ditto the cuff link I found. 223 00:17:59,594 --> 00:18:01,695 Everything you say is correct. 224 00:18:01,697 --> 00:18:04,097 Well, then what more do you want? 225 00:18:04,099 --> 00:18:08,235 I wanna check the missing persons file. 226 00:18:08,237 --> 00:18:11,405 All right, Jim, now it's my turn to ask. 227 00:18:11,407 --> 00:18:13,073 Why? 228 00:18:13,075 --> 00:18:15,242 Because, Artie, 229 00:18:15,244 --> 00:18:17,877 things aren't always what they seem to be. 230 00:18:37,131 --> 00:18:38,332 Look here, Lavendor, 231 00:18:38,334 --> 00:18:39,899 I've been going out of my mind. 232 00:18:39,901 --> 00:18:42,902 Oh, now, now, now, you mustn't do that, Mr. Antille. 233 00:18:42,904 --> 00:18:45,405 We must avoid that at all costs. 234 00:18:45,407 --> 00:18:46,540 These mummy wrappings, 235 00:18:46,542 --> 00:18:48,242 how much longer do I have to wear them? 236 00:18:48,244 --> 00:18:50,043 Well, not any longer, Mr. Antille, 237 00:18:50,045 --> 00:18:52,479 I'm happy to tell you. 238 00:18:52,481 --> 00:18:54,147 You mean you're going to take them off now? 239 00:18:54,149 --> 00:18:55,482 Yes, that's exactly what I mean. 240 00:18:55,484 --> 00:18:57,317 Now, if you'll seat yourself in that chair. 241 00:18:57,319 --> 00:18:59,052 Please, go ahead. 242 00:19:02,390 --> 00:19:05,125 I'm going to remove these wrappings, 243 00:19:05,127 --> 00:19:07,861 and unveil the new you. 244 00:19:07,863 --> 00:19:10,264 Now... 245 00:19:11,299 --> 00:19:12,299 Here we are. 246 00:19:12,301 --> 00:19:14,134 Wait. 247 00:19:14,136 --> 00:19:16,102 What if I don't like the new me? 248 00:19:16,104 --> 00:19:18,372 Ah, well, I'm afraid you have no choice. 249 00:19:18,374 --> 00:19:20,039 I mean to say, the old you 250 00:19:20,041 --> 00:19:22,676 is wanted by the police for murder. Mm-hm. 251 00:19:22,678 --> 00:19:25,479 Yes, you're- You're right, of course. I- 252 00:19:25,481 --> 00:19:27,447 I just got panicked there for a moment. 253 00:19:27,449 --> 00:19:30,150 Well, it's perfectly normal, I assure you. 254 00:19:30,152 --> 00:19:33,520 I had a client once, an Albanian knife artist 255 00:19:33,522 --> 00:19:35,522 who was wanted for multiple murders. 256 00:19:35,524 --> 00:19:38,024 Why, he broke down and wept uncontrollably 257 00:19:38,026 --> 00:19:40,860 at the very moment that you're facing now. 258 00:19:40,862 --> 00:19:42,962 And? Oh, happy ending. 259 00:19:42,964 --> 00:19:45,499 Fell in love with the new face I provided for him. 260 00:19:45,501 --> 00:19:47,967 He became a distinguished importer in Cairo, 261 00:19:47,969 --> 00:19:49,703 traveled widely with the best circle. 262 00:19:49,705 --> 00:19:51,237 He even sent me a few clients. 263 00:19:51,239 --> 00:19:53,540 Now one moment. 264 00:20:10,625 --> 00:20:12,359 I don't believe it. 265 00:20:15,330 --> 00:20:17,297 I'm a different person. 266 00:20:17,299 --> 00:20:20,099 Uh, you are Charles Kobles Stevens, 267 00:20:20,101 --> 00:20:21,167 to be precise, 268 00:20:21,169 --> 00:20:23,437 a dealer in lithographs and etchings. 269 00:20:23,439 --> 00:20:25,605 Uh, now, I have here your papers: 270 00:20:25,607 --> 00:20:29,142 identification, passport, steamship tickets. 271 00:20:29,144 --> 00:20:31,010 You're to leave the country within three days. 272 00:20:31,012 --> 00:20:34,180 Well, it's fantastic. 273 00:20:34,182 --> 00:20:36,883 Mr. Lavendor, you're a real artist. 274 00:20:36,885 --> 00:20:38,284 Why... 275 00:20:38,286 --> 00:20:40,654 Oh, uh, Golo. 276 00:20:40,656 --> 00:20:42,356 I don't believe you've met, eh, Golo. 277 00:20:42,358 --> 00:20:44,491 He's in charge of field operations, 278 00:20:44,493 --> 00:20:46,960 that is to say, the acquisition of bodies. 279 00:20:46,962 --> 00:20:48,762 It was he who recognized the suitability 280 00:20:48,764 --> 00:20:51,832 of the double that we, uh, a-acquired for you. 281 00:20:51,834 --> 00:20:54,634 You did a wonderful job. 282 00:20:54,636 --> 00:20:56,035 Who was he? 283 00:20:56,037 --> 00:20:57,971 Uh, who? The double. 284 00:20:57,973 --> 00:21:00,440 Oh, his name was Toby Murphy, 285 00:21:00,442 --> 00:21:02,141 a man who'll never be missed, 286 00:21:02,143 --> 00:21:07,414 an obscure kind of a carousing Irishman. Mmm. 287 00:21:23,931 --> 00:21:26,600 That's telling 'em. 288 00:21:28,335 --> 00:21:31,004 Whoa, happy chappers. 289 00:21:31,006 --> 00:21:33,072 You think this is the place? 290 00:21:33,074 --> 00:21:34,875 Could there be another like it? 291 00:21:36,477 --> 00:21:38,512 Sure, now, 292 00:21:38,514 --> 00:21:41,381 two fine gentlemen like yourselves 293 00:21:41,383 --> 00:21:44,250 will be wanting a private booth, I'll bet? 294 00:21:44,252 --> 00:21:47,353 Oh, pick up the jackpot, Colleen. You win. 295 00:21:47,355 --> 00:21:48,755 Take the one over there, 296 00:21:48,757 --> 00:21:51,291 and I'll be along in two shakes. 297 00:21:57,800 --> 00:21:59,666 Well... 298 00:21:59,668 --> 00:22:02,769 how'd you ever find a nice, quiet little pub like this? 299 00:22:02,771 --> 00:22:04,270 Beginner's luck. 300 00:22:05,940 --> 00:22:09,709 There now. That'll keep you from dying of thirst 301 00:22:09,711 --> 00:22:12,011 while you decide on what you'd like to drink. 302 00:22:12,013 --> 00:22:13,313 Thank you, Rose. 303 00:22:14,749 --> 00:22:17,183 Oh, do I know you? 304 00:22:17,185 --> 00:22:20,754 I could have sworn I never forget a face, 305 00:22:20,756 --> 00:22:23,824 especially such nice faces 306 00:22:23,826 --> 00:22:25,391 as the both of your own. 307 00:22:25,393 --> 00:22:26,993 No, we haven't met, Rose. 308 00:22:26,995 --> 00:22:28,795 We're here about the missing persons report 309 00:22:28,797 --> 00:22:30,630 you filed on your father. 310 00:22:39,807 --> 00:22:41,942 Do you know where himself has gone? 311 00:22:41,944 --> 00:22:44,644 No, but we'd like to help you find him. 312 00:22:48,883 --> 00:22:52,853 Federal- Federal government, is it? 313 00:22:52,855 --> 00:22:57,323 Oh, I had no idea me father was that important. 314 00:22:57,325 --> 00:23:00,426 Well, it could turn out that he is. 315 00:23:00,428 --> 00:23:01,962 How long has he been missing? 316 00:23:01,964 --> 00:23:03,930 Four days now. 317 00:23:03,932 --> 00:23:08,201 Dropped out of sight like a stone in a bog. 318 00:23:08,203 --> 00:23:11,404 Well, did he do that often, just not show up? 319 00:23:11,406 --> 00:23:13,507 Never for any longer than it took him 320 00:23:13,509 --> 00:23:15,108 to find his way home again. 321 00:23:15,110 --> 00:23:16,776 A day or so at most. 322 00:23:16,778 --> 00:23:19,145 Have you any recent pictures of your father? 323 00:23:19,147 --> 00:23:21,347 Ha, ha! No. 324 00:23:21,349 --> 00:23:24,183 He always tells me, "It's a waste of money 325 00:23:24,185 --> 00:23:27,220 when you've got meself to look at all the while." 326 00:23:27,222 --> 00:23:29,422 We've got the description you filed with the report. 327 00:23:29,424 --> 00:23:30,824 Is there anything you'd care to add, 328 00:23:30,826 --> 00:23:33,226 anything that might help us with the identification? 329 00:23:33,228 --> 00:23:35,395 Scars, marks? 330 00:23:35,397 --> 00:23:39,533 There was one little thing I didn't put in the report, 331 00:23:39,535 --> 00:23:41,601 for no one could ever notice. 332 00:23:41,603 --> 00:23:44,103 But he's missing the little toe 333 00:23:44,105 --> 00:23:45,672 on his right foot. 334 00:23:45,674 --> 00:23:47,541 Is he, now? 335 00:23:48,475 --> 00:23:49,709 How did that happen? 336 00:23:49,711 --> 00:23:52,612 At the St. Patrick's Day festival 337 00:23:52,614 --> 00:23:53,980 two years ago. 338 00:23:53,982 --> 00:23:57,817 A random beer keg happened to fall on his foot. 339 00:23:57,819 --> 00:24:00,987 At the time, he hardly noticed. 340 00:24:00,989 --> 00:24:02,889 We want Rose. 341 00:24:02,891 --> 00:24:04,724 Oh. 342 00:24:07,361 --> 00:24:10,764 Going, are you? You should stay. 343 00:24:10,766 --> 00:24:13,266 The place livens up a little bit later in the evening. 344 00:24:13,268 --> 00:24:15,368 It's a shame we have to miss it, but, uh- 345 00:24:15,370 --> 00:24:18,538 We have to visit an old friend minus one toe. 346 00:24:49,536 --> 00:24:53,006 Alas, poor Yorick! 347 00:24:54,609 --> 00:24:57,343 I knew him Horatio: 348 00:24:57,345 --> 00:24:59,646 a fellow of infinite jest. 349 00:24:59,648 --> 00:25:00,647 Artie. 350 00:25:02,449 --> 00:25:03,316 Over here. 351 00:25:12,226 --> 00:25:15,095 All right, Jim. Let's settle this 352 00:25:15,097 --> 00:25:19,032 Murphy-Antille body-switch theory of yours right now. 353 00:25:19,034 --> 00:25:20,333 Artie. 354 00:25:27,008 --> 00:25:28,642 Well, that was careless of 'em, 355 00:25:28,644 --> 00:25:31,144 leaving the door open like that. 356 00:25:31,146 --> 00:25:32,445 Wasn't it? 357 00:26:27,534 --> 00:26:30,804 Well, four toes, 358 00:26:30,806 --> 00:26:32,772 which proves beyond a shadow of a doubt 359 00:26:32,774 --> 00:26:33,673 that it's Toby Murphy. 360 00:26:44,051 --> 00:26:45,752 Here. Forget the lock pick, Artie. 361 00:26:45,754 --> 00:26:46,953 It's jammed. 362 00:27:46,647 --> 00:27:51,184 I don't suppose there's any doubt about it. 363 00:27:51,186 --> 00:27:54,087 No, Rose. I'm sorry. None. 364 00:27:54,922 --> 00:27:56,723 Sure. 365 00:27:56,725 --> 00:27:59,860 That's just like the old man. 366 00:27:59,862 --> 00:28:03,062 He used to cage drinks 367 00:28:03,064 --> 00:28:06,766 by pretending to be the Lord Mayor of Dublin. 368 00:28:08,870 --> 00:28:11,004 Now he's impersonated himself 369 00:28:11,006 --> 00:28:12,672 into the wrong grave. 370 00:28:12,674 --> 00:28:15,108 There's more to it than that, Rose. 371 00:28:15,110 --> 00:28:18,077 I don't know how it happened. I promise I'm gonna find out. 372 00:28:20,447 --> 00:28:23,282 I don't suppose there was a wake. 373 00:28:23,284 --> 00:28:24,618 No. 374 00:28:24,620 --> 00:28:26,285 Oh! 375 00:28:26,287 --> 00:28:28,388 Well, that's a sad thought. He... 376 00:28:28,390 --> 00:28:31,157 He always wanted a grand wake, a- 377 00:28:31,159 --> 00:28:35,261 A four-alarm riot of a wake. 378 00:28:35,263 --> 00:28:37,463 Oh, he'll be sorry to have missed that. 379 00:28:38,866 --> 00:28:42,035 Rose, I may need your help in this investigation, 380 00:28:42,037 --> 00:28:43,403 and it may mean some danger to you. 381 00:28:43,405 --> 00:28:45,972 Oh, I don't mind that. 382 00:28:48,643 --> 00:28:51,377 And what about a headstone? 383 00:28:52,880 --> 00:28:54,814 Is the old man going to go through eternity 384 00:28:54,816 --> 00:28:56,516 with the wrong name over his head? 385 00:28:56,518 --> 00:28:59,085 We'll arrange for the kind of headstone 386 00:28:59,087 --> 00:29:01,755 that he would have approved of after the case is cleared up. 387 00:29:01,757 --> 00:29:04,257 In the meantime, it's an absolute necessity 388 00:29:04,259 --> 00:29:06,660 that you don't mention this to a soul. 389 00:29:06,662 --> 00:29:09,629 Fabian Lavendor, proprietor, at your service. 390 00:29:09,631 --> 00:29:11,097 Oh... 391 00:29:12,600 --> 00:29:15,635 I would like to arrange a funeral. 392 00:29:15,637 --> 00:29:16,803 Oh, certainly. Certainly. 393 00:29:16,805 --> 00:29:18,538 Is the, uh, need immediate? 394 00:29:18,540 --> 00:29:20,707 Very pressing. 395 00:29:20,709 --> 00:29:23,810 I see. I see. A member of the family, hmm? 396 00:29:23,812 --> 00:29:28,514 Someone, eh, very close to me. 397 00:29:28,516 --> 00:29:29,983 Oh, too bad. Too bad. 398 00:29:29,985 --> 00:29:33,386 Well, please accept my sincere condolences. 399 00:29:33,388 --> 00:29:35,154 If you'd care to be seated, why, 400 00:29:35,156 --> 00:29:38,291 we could discuss the various arrangements possible. 401 00:29:38,293 --> 00:29:41,828 I would prefer to examine your facilities as we talk, 402 00:29:41,830 --> 00:29:43,797 if you don't mind. Oh, fine. Fine. 403 00:29:43,799 --> 00:29:46,833 Well, you're standing in our chapel here at the moment. 404 00:29:46,835 --> 00:29:49,803 You'll notice the decor is nondenominational. It's- 405 00:29:49,805 --> 00:29:54,007 Oh, incidentally, what, eh, denomination is the deceased? 406 00:29:56,543 --> 00:29:59,613 He's not dead...yet. 407 00:29:59,615 --> 00:30:02,181 Oh, I-I thought you said- 408 00:30:02,183 --> 00:30:04,618 Very soon. 409 00:30:04,620 --> 00:30:07,353 Oh, very soon. 410 00:30:07,355 --> 00:30:08,822 Yeah, well, in that case, 411 00:30:08,824 --> 00:30:11,858 the, uh, prospective client, uh... 412 00:30:11,860 --> 00:30:13,459 Uh, is of the masculine gender? 413 00:30:13,461 --> 00:30:17,263 Yes. Does it matter? 414 00:30:17,265 --> 00:30:19,799 Oh, no. No, not at all. 415 00:30:19,801 --> 00:30:23,202 It's just that, uh, members of the gentler sex, 416 00:30:23,204 --> 00:30:24,704 bless their dear memories, 417 00:30:24,706 --> 00:30:27,641 they just require more extensive preparation. 418 00:30:27,643 --> 00:30:29,676 Even in final repose, you know, 419 00:30:29,678 --> 00:30:32,779 appearance is a primary concern. 420 00:30:34,783 --> 00:30:39,085 The rest of your facilities, if you don't mind? 421 00:30:39,087 --> 00:30:41,021 Yes, fine. Fine. 422 00:30:41,023 --> 00:30:42,355 If you just step this way, 423 00:30:42,357 --> 00:30:45,125 why, I'll show you to our slumber room. 424 00:30:45,127 --> 00:30:46,059 Thank you. 425 00:30:54,902 --> 00:30:59,039 Eh. Mm-hm. Very nice little workshop. 426 00:30:59,041 --> 00:31:00,807 Well, my staff hasn't arrived yet. 427 00:31:00,809 --> 00:31:02,042 Otherwise, I could show you 428 00:31:02,044 --> 00:31:04,243 some of the technical functions that we perform, 429 00:31:04,245 --> 00:31:06,846 or are you interested in that sort of thing at all? 430 00:31:06,848 --> 00:31:10,150 Oh, profoundly. 431 00:31:10,152 --> 00:31:12,418 Oh. Well, I can assure you 432 00:31:12,420 --> 00:31:14,453 that everything will be done that can be done 433 00:31:14,455 --> 00:31:17,557 to provide for a glorious life in the hereafter. 434 00:31:18,993 --> 00:31:22,062 I am far more concerned 435 00:31:22,064 --> 00:31:26,666 with a glorious life in the here and now. 436 00:31:26,668 --> 00:31:29,202 Uh, perhaps we ought to be just a little bit 437 00:31:29,204 --> 00:31:31,370 more specific about the client. 438 00:31:31,372 --> 00:31:32,538 I mean to say, who is he? 439 00:31:37,679 --> 00:31:40,113 Oh, that's an interesting face. 440 00:31:40,115 --> 00:31:42,982 Friend or relative or, uh...? 441 00:31:42,984 --> 00:31:46,452 Take a close look at me. 442 00:31:55,796 --> 00:31:58,198 Well, lookie here. 443 00:31:59,166 --> 00:32:03,136 Very neat. Very effective. 444 00:32:03,138 --> 00:32:05,105 Well, of course, Mr. Link, 445 00:32:05,107 --> 00:32:07,974 I could simply notify the police. 446 00:32:07,976 --> 00:32:12,746 Well, you could, of course, also lose a lovely, fat fee. 447 00:32:17,451 --> 00:32:18,718 Who sent you? 448 00:32:18,720 --> 00:32:21,087 Oh, no. 449 00:32:21,089 --> 00:32:22,989 No, the contact who recommended you 450 00:32:22,991 --> 00:32:25,191 swore me to secrecy. 451 00:32:25,193 --> 00:32:26,626 Eh, quite understandably, 452 00:32:26,628 --> 00:32:30,630 he'd prefer that his present identity remain unknown. 453 00:32:30,632 --> 00:32:33,066 Yeah, well, I can't quite swallow that, Mr. Link- 454 00:32:33,068 --> 00:32:34,801 I'll tell you why. -because I keep rather- 455 00:32:34,803 --> 00:32:38,437 Rather extensive files on all my alterations, 456 00:32:38,439 --> 00:32:40,173 so I'd have to know who he was, wouldn't I? 457 00:32:40,175 --> 00:32:42,809 Ah. Yeah. So, uh, 458 00:32:42,811 --> 00:32:45,578 I ask you once again, 459 00:32:45,580 --> 00:32:47,747 who sent you to me? 460 00:32:49,250 --> 00:32:52,418 Well, I'm sorry, but, uh... 461 00:32:52,420 --> 00:32:53,586 I promised my friend 462 00:32:53,588 --> 00:32:55,688 that I wouldn't mention his name, 463 00:32:55,690 --> 00:32:57,757 but, uh... 464 00:32:57,759 --> 00:33:01,727 I'm quite sure that, uh, you know him by his nickname. 465 00:33:01,729 --> 00:33:04,363 I never had any client with a nick- 466 00:33:05,699 --> 00:33:09,169 Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. 467 00:33:09,171 --> 00:33:12,138 You couldn't mean Jim, could you? Jim the dodger? 468 00:33:12,140 --> 00:33:17,076 Oh, ho-ho, you're a clever man, Mr. Lavendor. 469 00:33:17,078 --> 00:33:20,146 Jim the dodger. 470 00:33:20,148 --> 00:33:22,148 Well... 471 00:33:22,150 --> 00:33:24,951 He still running Liverpool to suit himself? 472 00:33:25,585 --> 00:33:26,953 The best. 473 00:33:42,303 --> 00:33:44,670 Señora Pellargo. 474 00:33:44,672 --> 00:33:45,705 You're leaving? 475 00:33:47,641 --> 00:33:50,143 Is there any reason for me to stay... 476 00:33:50,145 --> 00:33:53,412 here, of all places? 477 00:33:53,414 --> 00:33:55,982 I wish to continue my husband's work 478 00:33:55,984 --> 00:33:57,884 and to work for his political party 479 00:33:57,886 --> 00:34:00,320 and try to repair the damage that has been done 480 00:34:00,322 --> 00:34:02,588 to relations between our two countries by his death. 481 00:34:02,590 --> 00:34:05,458 Now, that's a very courageous plan, señora, 482 00:34:05,460 --> 00:34:08,027 but have you thought about the personal danger involved? 483 00:34:08,029 --> 00:34:10,596 Your husband's dedication to certain objectives 484 00:34:10,598 --> 00:34:12,232 got him killed. 485 00:34:12,234 --> 00:34:15,835 Well, that was the act of a single misguided fanatic. 486 00:34:15,837 --> 00:34:17,003 That man is dead. 487 00:34:17,005 --> 00:34:18,905 What if I were to tell you 488 00:34:18,907 --> 00:34:20,639 that Claudio Antille is not dead? 489 00:34:22,676 --> 00:34:25,044 Oh... Well, that's absurd. 490 00:34:25,046 --> 00:34:27,247 I saw his body with my own eyes. So did you. 491 00:34:27,249 --> 00:34:30,049 I think we were both deceived, señora. 492 00:34:30,051 --> 00:34:31,684 I hope to prove in a few days 493 00:34:31,686 --> 00:34:34,153 there was a conspiracy to fake his death. 494 00:34:34,155 --> 00:34:36,022 Till then, I'd like to provide a guard for you 495 00:34:36,024 --> 00:34:38,258 as long as you're here. Oh, no. 496 00:34:38,260 --> 00:34:40,826 Thank you. He would just be in my way. 497 00:34:40,828 --> 00:34:42,061 But señora... 498 00:34:42,063 --> 00:34:45,365 I would prefer to hear no more about it, Mr. West. 499 00:34:46,600 --> 00:34:48,101 Good day, señora. 500 00:35:00,747 --> 00:35:04,683 I have a dreadful feeling your nosy Mr. West 501 00:35:04,685 --> 00:35:07,153 is going to force me to kill him. 502 00:35:27,141 --> 00:35:28,674 You brought the money? 503 00:35:28,676 --> 00:35:30,876 In small bills, as requested. 504 00:35:30,878 --> 00:35:32,078 Mm-hmm. Mmm. 505 00:35:33,647 --> 00:35:34,948 All right. 506 00:35:36,016 --> 00:35:37,083 This way. 507 00:35:42,923 --> 00:35:44,290 Now... 508 00:35:44,292 --> 00:35:45,558 Ah! 509 00:35:45,560 --> 00:35:47,760 Will you step this way, please, Mr. Link? 510 00:35:47,762 --> 00:35:50,163 Well, thank you. You know, I'm really quite impressed. 511 00:35:50,165 --> 00:35:52,131 It's much quicker service than I expected. 512 00:35:52,133 --> 00:35:54,800 Ha, ha! Well, we aim to satisfy. 513 00:35:54,802 --> 00:35:57,203 Now, would you remove your outer garments? 514 00:35:57,205 --> 00:36:01,507 Finley, uh, help Mr. Link with the final processing, please. 515 00:36:01,509 --> 00:36:02,375 Of course. 516 00:36:03,510 --> 00:36:04,643 Thank you. 517 00:36:06,246 --> 00:36:08,448 Ah, as regards the seating, 518 00:36:08,450 --> 00:36:10,583 should we anticipate many mourners? 519 00:36:10,585 --> 00:36:13,286 I like to think so, yes. 520 00:36:13,288 --> 00:36:16,389 Mostly lovely young ladies, 521 00:36:16,391 --> 00:36:19,792 sobbing incontrollably. 522 00:36:19,794 --> 00:36:23,196 Ah, an epitaph. Have you considered an epitaph? 523 00:36:23,198 --> 00:36:25,064 How about... 524 00:36:25,066 --> 00:36:27,266 "gone to a higher court"? 525 00:36:28,470 --> 00:36:30,336 Mr. Link, you're a devil. Heh-heh-heh! 526 00:36:32,840 --> 00:36:37,377 Well, I think that, uh, covers just about everything, 527 00:36:37,379 --> 00:36:39,512 except for the final step. 528 00:36:41,215 --> 00:36:43,416 Thank you. 529 00:36:43,418 --> 00:36:46,685 You know, I had no idea dying could be so entertaining. 530 00:36:52,092 --> 00:36:54,360 The entertainment is just about to begin. 531 00:36:54,362 --> 00:36:57,296 Oh, good. Heh-heh-heh! Uh, Golo? 532 00:37:04,838 --> 00:37:08,307 Uh, anything the matter, gentlemen? 533 00:37:08,309 --> 00:37:12,711 Uh, just that final step I mentioned to you before. 534 00:37:12,713 --> 00:37:15,148 You see, very soon, you're gonna put aside 535 00:37:15,150 --> 00:37:16,615 this burdensome identity. 536 00:37:16,617 --> 00:37:21,854 In short, you will cease to be Artemus Gordon, 537 00:37:21,856 --> 00:37:25,158 secret agent for the United States government. 538 00:37:28,629 --> 00:37:31,664 I just had one of those nagging suspicions 539 00:37:31,666 --> 00:37:34,600 that something's gone wrong. 540 00:37:48,950 --> 00:37:51,250 Mr. Gordon in trouble? 541 00:37:51,252 --> 00:37:53,652 Poor lad. 542 00:37:53,654 --> 00:37:55,621 Which jail? 543 00:37:55,623 --> 00:37:57,957 Oh, worse than any jail, Rose. 544 00:37:57,959 --> 00:38:01,961 Mr. Gordon is, uh, in an undertaking establishment. 545 00:38:01,963 --> 00:38:05,231 Last night, he didn't show up. 546 00:38:05,233 --> 00:38:07,333 Anyway, Rose, 547 00:38:07,335 --> 00:38:10,503 what I need now is the help I asked you for. 548 00:38:10,505 --> 00:38:12,004 You're on. 549 00:38:12,006 --> 00:38:13,206 What do you want done? 550 00:38:13,208 --> 00:38:15,308 And what rascal do you want it done to? 551 00:38:15,310 --> 00:38:18,244 Oh, no, Rose. Nothing like that. 552 00:38:18,246 --> 00:38:19,512 Can you play a grieving widow? 553 00:38:21,348 --> 00:38:22,982 Faith. 554 00:38:22,984 --> 00:38:24,317 Me, 555 00:38:24,319 --> 00:38:28,020 who hasn't even gotten around to being a wife yet? 556 00:38:28,022 --> 00:38:30,456 I wanna locate Lavendor's files, 557 00:38:30,458 --> 00:38:32,191 and Rose, I want you to keep him 558 00:38:32,193 --> 00:38:34,960 as busy as possible in the front office, 559 00:38:34,962 --> 00:38:37,029 while I go around to the back and- 560 00:38:38,798 --> 00:38:41,066 And Rose? Huh? 561 00:38:41,068 --> 00:38:43,169 I think I just figured out the back door 562 00:38:43,171 --> 00:38:45,338 to Lavendor's funeral emporium. 563 00:38:45,340 --> 00:38:47,373 Have you now? 564 00:38:47,375 --> 00:38:50,075 There was blood on this poster. 565 00:38:51,345 --> 00:38:52,578 I distinctly remember 566 00:38:52,580 --> 00:38:55,515 Artemus rubbing his fingers across it. 567 00:39:03,023 --> 00:39:05,024 Poor Patrick! 568 00:39:06,261 --> 00:39:09,195 Me own devoted husband, 569 00:39:09,197 --> 00:39:12,632 gone to his untimely reward. Yes, well, now, dear- 570 00:39:12,634 --> 00:39:15,968 What a good and gentle lad he was too, 571 00:39:15,970 --> 00:39:19,938 except when he'd had a few. 572 00:39:39,359 --> 00:39:41,026 Uh, madam, I think you should try to- 573 00:39:41,028 --> 00:39:44,230 I do believe I'm going to faint. 574 00:39:44,232 --> 00:39:47,700 No, don't. Everything is going dark. 575 00:39:47,702 --> 00:39:49,768 Finley! Bring some water! Ohhh. 576 00:39:49,770 --> 00:39:51,637 Come over here to the sofa, madam, and- 577 00:39:51,639 --> 00:39:52,871 Poor... 578 00:39:52,873 --> 00:39:54,674 poor Patrick. 579 00:39:55,875 --> 00:39:57,710 He's gone. 580 00:39:58,378 --> 00:39:59,912 Ohhh! 581 00:40:19,065 --> 00:40:20,533 Throw water on her. 582 00:40:34,615 --> 00:40:35,981 Artie, you in there? 583 00:40:35,983 --> 00:40:39,485 Jim? Glad you could make it. 584 00:40:39,487 --> 00:40:42,087 Ahem. Don't worry, Artie, I'll get you out. 585 00:40:42,089 --> 00:40:43,256 Don't wait too long. 586 00:40:43,258 --> 00:40:44,857 I'm scheduled for an early departure. 587 00:40:44,859 --> 00:40:46,692 Gotta find those files. Any clues? 588 00:40:46,694 --> 00:40:48,894 The chapel. Try there. 589 00:40:48,896 --> 00:40:49,962 Right. 590 00:40:49,964 --> 00:40:52,097 Artie, don't go away. 591 00:40:54,167 --> 00:40:58,804 Oh! Poor Sean. 592 00:40:58,806 --> 00:41:00,205 He's dead. 593 00:41:01,643 --> 00:41:04,377 I thought you said his name was Patrick. 594 00:41:04,379 --> 00:41:08,281 Oh? Oh! Oh, uh... 595 00:41:08,283 --> 00:41:11,617 Uh, well, Patrick's me husband, and Sean's me- 596 00:41:11,619 --> 00:41:13,786 Me brother. 597 00:41:13,788 --> 00:41:17,222 They were both in the same accident. 598 00:41:17,224 --> 00:41:18,491 Oh. 599 00:41:18,493 --> 00:41:21,761 What a terrible double loss. 600 00:41:21,763 --> 00:41:23,296 Terrible. 601 00:41:23,298 --> 00:41:25,964 Terrible! Terrible! 602 00:41:25,966 --> 00:41:27,866 Yes, madam, you- 603 00:41:27,868 --> 00:41:29,067 Get some smelling salts! 604 00:41:29,069 --> 00:41:31,304 Quickly. We've gotta get her out of here. 605 00:42:02,268 --> 00:42:03,769 What? 606 00:42:03,771 --> 00:42:06,339 Well, search the entire place. Go on! 607 00:42:27,193 --> 00:42:28,694 Enough. 608 00:42:30,731 --> 00:42:32,765 I'm- I'm all right now. 609 00:42:32,767 --> 00:42:34,433 Good. I'm sorry, madam, 610 00:42:34,435 --> 00:42:35,835 but you'll have to leave at once. 611 00:42:35,837 --> 00:42:39,572 Ah. But what about me- Me dear departed ones? 612 00:42:39,574 --> 00:42:41,407 Yes, well, try some funeral parlor 613 00:42:41,409 --> 00:42:44,009 that specializes in hysterics. 614 00:42:44,011 --> 00:42:48,514 See if I ever bring you any more business, you- 615 00:42:48,516 --> 00:42:51,617 You glorified taxidermist! 616 00:42:59,959 --> 00:43:01,360 What's the matter with you? 617 00:43:03,263 --> 00:43:06,732 Eh? What's the matter with you? 618 00:43:08,334 --> 00:43:09,869 Oh... 619 00:43:11,571 --> 00:43:13,272 yeah. 620 00:43:16,209 --> 00:43:19,578 You better quit sampling that formaldehyde. 621 00:43:19,580 --> 00:43:21,280 You hear me? 622 00:43:26,653 --> 00:43:29,021 I've changed my mind. 623 00:43:32,191 --> 00:43:34,359 I thought it all over, 624 00:43:34,361 --> 00:43:36,028 and I want my money back. 625 00:43:36,030 --> 00:43:38,664 Oh, I'm afraid that'll be impossible, Mr. Gordon. 626 00:43:38,666 --> 00:43:40,900 You see, you're going to be doubly useful now. 627 00:43:40,902 --> 00:43:43,201 As it happens, we have an order for a body 628 00:43:43,203 --> 00:43:45,604 exactly your size. Mm-hmm. 629 00:43:45,606 --> 00:43:48,541 You mean I'm subbing for some crook at his funeral? 630 00:43:48,543 --> 00:43:50,609 Yes. Exactly. 631 00:43:50,611 --> 00:43:53,211 Your last official act will be to provide 632 00:43:53,213 --> 00:43:55,548 a new life for a vicious criminal. 633 00:43:55,550 --> 00:43:59,017 I hope you find that as amusing as I do. 634 00:43:59,019 --> 00:44:01,219 Oh, yes, I can hardly keep from laughing. 635 00:44:01,221 --> 00:44:05,357 Uh, Finley, bring Mr. Gordon's coffin now. 636 00:44:09,729 --> 00:44:13,031 Here we are. Mm-hm. 637 00:44:13,033 --> 00:44:15,868 And now, Mr. Gordon... 638 00:44:16,937 --> 00:44:17,803 goodbye. 639 00:44:40,894 --> 00:44:42,094 What took you so long? 640 00:44:42,096 --> 00:44:43,629 I was kinda cozy in there. 641 00:44:43,631 --> 00:44:45,631 Must have dozed off. You weren't worried, were you? 642 00:44:45,633 --> 00:44:48,400 Because I was being strangled? Of course not. 643 00:44:49,970 --> 00:44:52,270 It's going to be quiet around here now. 644 00:44:52,272 --> 00:44:54,607 We better take a look at Lavendor's files. 645 00:44:54,609 --> 00:44:56,509 You mean you found them? 646 00:44:56,511 --> 00:44:59,177 Not only did I find them, 647 00:44:59,179 --> 00:45:01,514 I did some browsing on my own, 648 00:45:01,516 --> 00:45:02,648 and I found that the old boy 649 00:45:02,650 --> 00:45:05,350 has been blackmailing his customers too. 650 00:45:25,471 --> 00:45:26,471 Well... 651 00:45:27,741 --> 00:45:30,375 nice of him to keep these up-to-date. 652 00:45:30,377 --> 00:45:33,913 Yes, very thoughtful. About the only detail left out 653 00:45:33,915 --> 00:45:36,649 is where Antille is headed. 654 00:45:36,651 --> 00:45:39,284 And I'll be glad to supply that data. 655 00:45:41,354 --> 00:45:42,755 It occurred to me that I might find 656 00:45:42,757 --> 00:45:45,925 you and your colleague here. 657 00:45:45,927 --> 00:45:48,393 That's not a very good disguise, Antille. 658 00:45:48,395 --> 00:45:51,030 It has proved adequate so far, 659 00:45:51,032 --> 00:45:52,397 and anyone who might question it 660 00:45:52,399 --> 00:45:54,499 will very soon be dead. 661 00:45:57,170 --> 00:45:58,503 Into the other room. Quickly. 662 00:46:12,919 --> 00:46:15,854 You two did a remarkable job. 663 00:46:15,856 --> 00:46:18,757 Too bad it has to be spoiled at the last moment. 664 00:46:18,759 --> 00:46:22,494 Now I know how you managed to stay one jump ahead of us: 665 00:46:22,496 --> 00:46:24,697 the devoted Señora Pellargo. 666 00:46:24,699 --> 00:46:26,832 Devoted to Mr. Antille. 667 00:46:26,834 --> 00:46:28,834 Well, you should know, gentlemen, 668 00:46:28,836 --> 00:46:32,605 a woman never does anything for political reasons. 669 00:46:32,607 --> 00:46:35,173 I'm delighted to see you, Antille. 670 00:46:35,175 --> 00:46:37,175 Now I want you to shoot these two men. 671 00:46:37,177 --> 00:46:39,478 Get rid of them now. 672 00:46:39,480 --> 00:46:40,879 Precisely why I returned. 673 00:46:40,881 --> 00:46:42,982 You see, gentlemen, 674 00:46:42,984 --> 00:46:46,085 in my job, loose ends are not only messy, 675 00:46:46,087 --> 00:46:47,987 but also dangerous. 676 00:46:47,989 --> 00:46:50,122 How do you feel about blackmail? 677 00:46:50,124 --> 00:46:51,890 Don't believe him, Antille. 678 00:46:51,892 --> 00:46:54,126 What do you mean, blackmail? 679 00:46:54,128 --> 00:46:56,695 I mean, that quaint little operation 680 00:46:56,697 --> 00:46:59,064 that, uh, Mr. Lavendor has been running 681 00:46:59,066 --> 00:47:01,299 at the expense of his clients. 682 00:47:01,301 --> 00:47:04,202 He's the most imaginative liar I've ever met in my life. 683 00:47:04,204 --> 00:47:05,604 I wouldn't- 684 00:47:05,606 --> 00:47:08,206 Antille, now, don't believe him. 685 00:47:08,208 --> 00:47:09,975 Now- Now, wait a minute, now. 686 00:47:09,977 --> 00:47:12,477 The truth is, I may have dabbled a little bit. 687 00:47:12,479 --> 00:47:14,880 The files, they were there. Why not? It didn't matter. 688 00:47:14,882 --> 00:47:16,448 It was something on the side. 689 00:47:16,450 --> 00:47:17,983 But with yours, never. Never, Antille. 690 00:47:17,985 --> 00:47:19,985 Now, don't do it. Don't do it. 691 00:47:27,360 --> 00:47:29,194 All right, gentlemen, 692 00:47:29,196 --> 00:47:30,929 throw the records down. 693 00:47:30,931 --> 00:47:34,800 Let's have a nice, big blazing bonfire, shall we? 694 00:47:34,802 --> 00:47:37,335 Darling... 695 00:47:37,337 --> 00:47:38,837 strike a match. 696 00:47:38,839 --> 00:47:42,708 No, wait. Wait. Let's make it a big blaze. 697 00:47:42,710 --> 00:47:44,743 Mr. West... 698 00:47:44,745 --> 00:47:47,312 throw alcohol over those records. 699 00:48:02,261 --> 00:48:03,128 Oh! 700 00:48:06,700 --> 00:48:08,500 Oh. 701 00:48:08,502 --> 00:48:10,335 Just how long did you expect me 702 00:48:10,337 --> 00:48:12,604 to wait out there in the carriage for you? 703 00:48:12,606 --> 00:48:15,941 Rose, please. No violence. 704 00:48:21,582 --> 00:48:23,648 Well, Rose, thanks to you 705 00:48:23,650 --> 00:48:26,151 we'll be rounding up a lot of infamous criminals. 706 00:48:26,153 --> 00:48:28,020 And there'll be a reward for helping capture 707 00:48:28,022 --> 00:48:29,554 Antille and the Lavendor gang. 708 00:48:29,556 --> 00:48:32,257 Ah, it'll be reward enough for me 709 00:48:32,259 --> 00:48:34,860 to get the proper Christian headstone over me father. 710 00:48:34,862 --> 00:48:37,129 I do feel like celebrating that. 711 00:48:37,131 --> 00:48:39,098 Good. Then tonight, when you finish work- 712 00:48:39,100 --> 00:48:41,566 Uh, he took the words out from between my very teeth. 713 00:48:41,568 --> 00:48:45,037 You're a fine pair of lads, 714 00:48:45,039 --> 00:48:47,139 the both of you. 715 00:48:47,141 --> 00:48:49,742 But I've already got an engagement. 716 00:48:49,744 --> 00:48:51,676 Oh, but, Rose, consider. 717 00:48:51,678 --> 00:48:53,278 We're not mere men 718 00:48:53,280 --> 00:48:56,048 we're men of the law and justice. 719 00:48:56,050 --> 00:48:57,750 And here comes me boyfriend now. 720 00:49:04,524 --> 00:49:07,926 That's what I call a lawman. 721 00:49:11,264 --> 00:49:14,566 I'll, uh- I'll drink to that, Rose. 51300

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