Original subtitles

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

Hello, Three? All clear. Bring it in.

Brigade.

Once more unto the breach.

Yes, chef.

Where the fuck am I?

- Look, it's Diana. - Excuse me.

I'm looking for somewhere.

I've absolutely no idea where I am.

There are no signs anywhere.

Where am I?

Right.

"Half my weight's in jewellery, anyway."

Do you remember when she said that?

I wasn't here, but I heard about it.

Is she here yet?

Not yet, Ma'am, no.

Then she's late.

And he is early.

And yet she is late.

Well, well, well.

Excuse me!

What the bloody hell are you doing here, Diana?

Sorry, I mean... Your Royal Highness.

I'm lost.

But if it's you, I must be close, yes?

Yeah, the house is just there but...

why are you driving yourself?

Well, cars don't drive on their own.

No.

Where's your driver? Where's your security detail?

I don't know

I was in the café in Kensington giving some presents and...

I thought I might just...

drive.

Do they know?

No.

I just drove.

Well, anyway.

Hello again.

Hello, Darren.

Is everybody there?

Well, apart from Her Majesty, yeah.

Perfect.

Look.

Of course.

Now I know where I am.

We used to call him Bertie.

I think that's my father's coat he's wearing.

We used to live just over that hill.

Papa used to give the farmer his old clothes.

Gosh, how could I get lost in a place where I used to play?

We should really get going.

Will they kill me, do you think?

I'm going to check.

Check what?

Look, it's sandwiches in 15 minutes.

- It's Papa's, I'm sure of it. - Wait.

Say there was a big tractor broken down or something, eh?

Say you got lost.

Anything.

It's too late for trying broken tractors on them.

Her Majesty.

Your Royal Highness.

Hello.

No.

Gary usually lets me off.

Gary, Your Royal Highness?

The normal page. The usual Christmas page.

We have a thing between us, an understanding.

I don't usually do the getting-weighed thing.

I'm half jewellery, anyway.

That's what I always say.

I'm not, though.

- It's a joke. - Ma'am.

Her Majesty herself just a second ago sat on these scales.

And she was very insistent that everyone joins in.

- I don't think I've seen you before. - This is my first Sandringham duty.

To make sure everyone joins in.

They said no one is above tradition.

Okay, fine.

I'm in enough trouble.

We have to put on three pounds minimum before we leave

to prove we enjoyed Christmas, yes?

That is the tradition.

It was Prince Albert in 1847 who began it.

- It's meant to be a bit of fun. - Well, it is, it's a lovely bit of fun.

I'll do what I can. But no promises.

I'm always catching up, always.

- They're all here, aren't they? - Yes.

Mm.

What happened?

A tractor broken down.

I had to help mend it. My fingernails.

- Is the bedroom cold again this year? - Yes, it is.

I always tell them. They never listen.

- Ma'am, if the bedroom's cold... - The bedroom's always cold.

It's a bit of fun. Tradition.

I will have more blankets delivered.

Why don't they just turn up the heating

instead of burying everyone in blankets?

- It's every year I say it. - Mummy?

What? Oh, look at you!

-Mummy, I'm cold.

Who gave you this big, hilarious coat?

It's from the storeroom, Ma'am.

His Royal Highness kept saying he was cold.

Instead of heating...

they've dressed you up like Winston Churchill.

Your Royal Highness.

The family are all gathered in the drawing room for the sandwiches.

They are waiting.

The sandwiches.

The sandwiches. The holy sandwiches.

Good.

To the sandwiches.

I'll be there in a minute.

Ma'am.

Three days.

That's it.

Maggie.

Oh my God. Didn't they tell you?

I've got you again. I bagged you.

They gave me to you because I insisted.

Good.

Hope.

These are your dresses for the whole thing.

I have to run. Listen...

I've left a coat in my car.

I want you to clean it, sew it up,

whatever it needs.

A coat from where, Ma'am?

Ancient history.

Whose ancient history?

Spencer.

I was always last back.

Always late for everything.

I'd get home half an hour after the others and...

everyone would just laugh.

I'd actually forgotten all about the scarecrow until today.

I can't believe he's still watching over us.

How can he watch us?

Ma'am, they're about to open the presents.

Yes, coming.

Mummy,

why do we have to open our presents on Christmas Eve?

Why not Christmas Day like everybody else?

- You know at school you do tenses? - Yeah.

There's the past, the present, future.

Right.

Well here, there is only one tense.

There is no future.

The past and the present are the same thing.

Daddy told Harry it's because Father Christmas

does queens and kings the day before everybody else

so that we get the best presents.

- It's true. - He still believes it.

What?

Actually, that was my little fabrication.

I believe Mummy.

Daddy did confirm it, though.

Oh, if Daddy confirmed it, then it must be true.

Yes, of course it is.

You two are both gonna get coal for Christmas.

Can we go to the house where you used to live?

It's boarded up.

It's dangerous, apparently.

They said, "It's dangerous, you know?"

- Aww. - In those voices, like doors closing.

Did Granny order that?

Ma'am, the others are waiting.

Okay, you go. I'll join you in a minute. Come on.

Do you like them getting cross with you?

Yes, terribly.

Mummy,

what's happened?

It's Christmas.

Everything waits until after Christmas.

Go on.

Fuck.

There.

What do you think?

Very beautiful, Your Royal Highness.

Mm.

- It's Martha, isn't it? - Maria, Ma'am.

Oh.

My husband doesn't know it, but...

I saw a photo and...

she was wearing exactly the same pearls.

He bought exactly the same for her.

But he doesn't even realise.

It's why I left them.

As a gesture.

They are beautiful.

It's not the pearls' fault, is it?

No, Ma'am.

If I gave them to you, would you take them?

No.

No, she couldn't possibly think of it, Ma'am.

I'm told there's a dress to go with them.

I'm told it's all set.

You know? All set.

As if everything's already happened.

Papa, didn't you say that we Spencers were distantly related to Anne Boleyn?

Yes, I read all about her.

They even wrote a poem.

"She married the King of England

"And the King chopped off her head

"Because he met another woman

"And wanted her to be Queen...

"instead."

Who is it?

It's Maggie, Ma'am.

Well, come.

Emergency.

Gosh, thank God it's you.

Look.

Emergency, why? It looks beautiful.

- But it doesn't fit. - Have you tried it on?

No, with my mood.

It... It doesn't fit in with my mood.

Should be black. Black, to contrast the pearls.

Not only did I rescue it from a scarecrow,

I'm talking to it.

All rumours of my disintegration confirmed.

You know, the dust in this house...

almost certainly contains the dead skin of every person who's ever stayed in it.

This was once Queen Victoria's room.

So it will have her skin floating in the air.

She wore black for forty years after her husband died.

That's love, isn't it?

Well, there's no need to wear black because no one has died.

- I've put on weight. - No, you've lost weight.

There's up or down. It's not an issue of debate.

Remember, we used to talk.

They fill your eggs with princes and ride away.

That's fine.

It's just fine.

Oh, fuck it.

I will wear the dress.

With the pearls.

Good.

Good choice.

Because I'm too weak to insist on black.

Please.

- It will be fine. - Yes, it will be fine.

Good.

You'll be in the world, in some pub. Laughing.

And I will be in a field full of fucking landmines.

So stand very still and smile a lot.

In this house, everyone can hear everything.

Yes, even your thoughts.

Who is that new chap?

He can read your thoughts.

Yes, they're getting quite serious.

- About? - They're getting serious about you.

It is concern.

Yes, concern.

Suggesting compassion.

Why wouldn't they be concerned?

I'm half gone.

- Gone where? - I don't know.

Today, I nearly just...

nearly just kept driving.

This year they insisted on weighing me.

Just a bit of fun.

They can't change.

You have to change.

I mean, the weighing, yes, that is just that.

A bit of fun.

But don't see conspiracy everywhere.

Don't behave the way the say you behave.

You make it easy for them.

Easy for them to do what?

Well, say it.

Just look gorgeous.

I know about the pearls. I know he gave the same to her.

I understand why you're like this.

- It's deliberate. - No, no.

He just forgets.

But wear them anyway.

And in your beauty, he will remember.

I don't care if he fucking remembers.

Then only remember you're beautiful.

Don't let that go.

Beauty is useless.

Beauty is clothing.

Prepare the tureens, warm the bowls. Please. Hush, hush, no noise.

Stay on on your feet!

They can hear us.

Pitter, patter, soft words.

Fingers out of saucers, you sons and you daughters of bitches.

And we blanch the nettles or they will sting us.

Brigade, we make everything the best it can be.

I want our Princess of Wales

to want something.

Service.

Ma'am?

It's dessert.

- They're waiting for you. - Yes, I know.

Still hungry, Ma'am?

Who are you...

exactly?

I'm usually at Clarence House, drafted in for this occasion.

I'm the Queen Mother's equerry.

Before that?

I was an officer. In a regiment called the Black Watch.

And that's what you do.

You watch.

Mostly I'm here because of the press.

It was felt we needed to be on guard because of all the silly attention

that your Royal Highness is attracting.

Yes, I'm a magnet for madness.

Other people's madness.

I have military experience.

Part of my remit is the security within the grounds of Sandringham House.

To keep photographers away.

Foreigners, you know?

One of the men reported back today that they saw you

dressing and undressing with your curtains open.

If there had been a photographer...

Now you really watch.

I watch to make sure that others do not see.

Their lenses are terribly powerful these days, Ma'am.

Their lenses are more like microscopes, actually.

And I am the insect in the dish.

You see, they're pulling my wings and my legs off.

One by one. Making notes on how I react.

"Oh, she really does make a fuss this one, doesn't she?"

Not like Anne Boleyn...

who offered her head to the tweezers with such grace.

I just wanted to be sure you were feeling all right.

And give you that word of warning.

I will feel all right.

If you go away. Please.

Very well.

But please...

- keep your curtains... - Close my curtains.

Yes.

Maybe.

No.

Depending on lots of things. Hmm.

Oh.

It's gone midnight.

So...

Happy Christmas.

Happy Christmas.

Who is this?

Hands on your head!

Sorry.

It's me.

Your Royal Highness, apologies.

We thought you were...

Can I take my hands off my head?

Of course. Sorry, Ma'am.

I used to live there.

I grew up there.

Came to have a look.

Ma'am, according to the rules, if we have an encounter, we have to report it.

With me?

With anyone.

I'd like it if you didn't report this encounter.

Just...

say you saw a ghost.

Are you warm enough, Ma'am?

Not really.

They won't turn the heating up.

- I'll go back. - We'll escort you.

- Why? - There are photographers.

Well, perhaps they just want to take photos of what's really going on.

2323, anyone there?

Joe, is anyone there?

No, nothing at all.

No one, all clear.

Mummy, you're freezing.

I tried to escape.

Got captured.

This one's for you.

- What is it? - Not telling you.

Open it in the morning. Christmas morning, like normal people.

Don't tell anyone.

- Okay. - I can hear you both talking, you know?

- And I'm still cold. - Oh.

When you're cold,

you light a fire.

For you.

Let's play. Come on.

Attention.

I'll be the major. You be the soldiers.

This game is silly.

Because you're hopeless at it.

Soldier William.

Best thing about Christmas so far?

- Best thing... - And it has to be the truth.

Best thing about Christmas so far is being with the family, Sir.

Soldier, I said I wanted the truth.

- Soldier. - Sorry, Sir.

Presents, Sir.

Sir, presents are the only good thing about Christmas, Sir.

- Not if you can't open them. - That's true.

Soldier Harry. Best part of Christmas so far?

And I know I'll get the truth from you, Sir.

When you arrived, Mummy, Sir.

- Thank you, Sir. - My turn.

Major William to Soldier Diana.

Tell the Major what's happened to make you so sad.

Sir. Don't know what you mean, Sir.

I want the truth, Soldier.

Sir.

The past, Sir.

I think it's the present, Soldier.

I think it's in the future.

Mummy, I actually have to open this or I'll be sick.

For God's sake, then open it.

Major William to Soldier Diana.

Um... What's your favourite colour?

- What... What's your favourite... - Sir, pink.

No, um... Favourite food?

Um... Pink, pink... um... hippopotamus cake, spotted.

- What's your favourite animal, Soldier? - Oh...

Lobster.

- Lobster. - Why did you get me a lobster?

Um... Because it's red like your cheeks, Sir.

And it was flown from... um...

It was flown from Santa's home all the way...

Um...

It's... it's Santa's... lobster.

It's Santa's lobster, Sir.

I wanted the truth!

It's all the way from the North Pole. She flew here.

- You have wings? - Definitely.

- Soldier William. - Ah.

Your perfect, perfect Christmas.

Tell me all about it.

My perfect, perfect Christmas, Sir,

is not following the rules and doing whatever you want.

- Eating with your hands. - Not showing up.

What would that be like?

That would be a miracle.

We've never had a miracle before.

Don't know what it's like.

Soldier. Do you want to be king, Soldier?

I have no choice.

Do you want to be the queen, Soldier?

I'll be your mum.

That's my job.

Do you get paid?

Hardly.

If I start being really silly in the next few days,

just tell me.

I'll only believe it if it's you who tells me.

Okay, Mummy.

Sure can do.

Who is it?

Your dresser, Your Royal Highness.

Where's Maggie?

I have dressed you before, Ma'am.

Yes, I know.

May I come in?

Where's Maggie?

I believe Major Gregory sent her back to London.

It's very cold this morning.

This is for breakfast.

The next outfit, the one you chose for church...

I suggest you wear a warm Merino long coat.

How do I look?

What do you mean?

Right now, how do I look?

Very nice.

Hmm.

- Happy Christmas. - Oh!

- Happy Christmas... - "...Christmas, Ma'am." "Very nice."

I'd really like to have someone I can talk to properly.

When is Maggie back?

- I really don't know, Ma'am. - That will be all. Thank you.

I'm sorry?

There's a designated dress which I will put on for breakfast.

And I can put it on myself.

Your hair isn't set, Ma'am.

Tell them I want Maggie.

Tell Major Gregory, who hears everything, that I insist on having Maggie.

It isn't really Major Gregory who decides.

No, he doesn't decide. There's never a decision to make.

There's only what must happen.

But even so...

Tell them I insist on having Maggie.

Or I'll cut all my dresses to pieces with a kitchen knife.

Yes, Ma'am.

Wait, don't say that.

No, I don't mean that.

Don't say that.

Just say that I'd like Maggie.

Though you're good,

I would prefer...

I would like Maggie.

- Yes, Ma'am. - Thank you.

Your Majesties, Your Royal Highnesses, smile, please.

This will be followed by coddled eggs with cream sauce,

Scottish kippers, brown and white toast.

Accompanied by simmered herring roe,

roasted muffins, quince jelly. Followed by fresh...

This will be followed by fresh coffee

with a selection of organic pastries and cakes

from Highgrove House,

a selection of organic Highgrove jams and marmalades with honey

from Highgrove bees.

Then, at ten o'clock precisely,

cars will take all those concerned

to St. Mary Magdalene's Church for traditional morning worship.

But now,

enjoy your breakfast, your Majesty.

How do I look?

You look fine.

There is... one thing.

The chickens laid the eggs,

the fishermen caught the fish,

all these little bees made the honey...

They all made such an effort to bring you breakfast.

Please,

do them the courtesy of not regurgitating it all

into a lavatory bowl before the church bells even ring.

The peace of God, which passeth all understanding,

shall keep your hearts and minds in the knowledge and love of God

and of his Son, Jesus Christ our Lord.

And the blessings of God almighty, the Father, the Son and Holy Ghost

be amongst you and remain with you always.

- Amen. - Amen.

Come here.

Thanks for the crab.

It's awful.

I got it at the petrol station.

It's Christmas.

It's the thought that counts.

Did you tell anyone? Mm?

No.

I told Harry to hide his lobster.

But he lost it anyway.

Of course.

Well, that's okay.

There's lots of crustaceans to be had at the petrol station.

- Mm? - Yeah.

- You cold? - Mm-hmm.

- Yeah. - Almost.

Diana!

Diana!

Look this way. Give us a smile.

And William! Will!

Look this way. There she is.

Diana!

The public began arriving early this morning...

Look, she's wearing the wrong one.

She's wearing "Boxing Day lunch" when it should be "Christmas Day church."

Does it really matter that she's, um, swapping them around?

And those crowds...

I mean, do you think I should tell someone?

They might think it's me making mistakes.

Oh, no. Oh, don't worry.

...as the Royal Family turned out...

They'll know it's not you who's making mistakes.

...the Duke of Edinburgh.

"Oh death rock me to sleep

"Bring me to quiet rest

"Let pass my weary, guiltless ghost

"Out of my careful breast."

Diana.

Oh death, rock me to sleep.

Pull!

Pull!

You have to say "Pull."

- Pull. - Don't whisper it, say it loud.

Pull!

Again.

Pull!

You've got... You've got 24 hours. Just teach him.

You move with the bird, you aim for the beak.

Okay.

One in three would be bearable.

William told me before we came here he didn't want to shoot guns.

I want to talk because someone aid something about clothes.

- Will he be all right? - Yes, of course he'll be alright.

Your dresser said something about clothes.

I mean, will he be safe?

It's perfectly safe, you wear protective glasses.

How can it be safe

if you have to wear protective glasses?

Yesterday, you arrived after the Queen.

- I got lost. - How could you get lost?

You've lived over the hill for years.

It looks different now.

Everything looks different.

Except the scarecrow.

Yes, she says you took a jacket off a scarecrow.

It was a bit of fun.

You sure you weren't late yesterday because you were delayed by someone?

Someone?

I just thought someone might have delayed you.

No.

Sometimes you get delayed by someone.

No one says anything.

It's perfectly acceptable for you to be delayed by someone.

How can you ask if it's safe? It's a tradition.

Why did you send Maggie away?

They said she left the curtains open.

I left the curtains open.

They are circling us. Didn't you know? Don't you read?

They're hungry for anything. Why are you swapping dresses around?

Why would you think I got delayed by someone?

Oh, come on, come on.

- He said he didn't want to shoot yet. - He's old enough.

And you want him to shoot real birds tomorrow?

For God's sake.

Also...

one of Major Gregory's men said he saw you

wandering around in the grounds last night.

I wanted to see my house.

The police caught you but didn't report it.

Gregory's men saw you too.

- They're better than the police. - I wanted to go home.

- It's boarded up. - Yes, but I wish it would be unboarded.

But if I wish it aloud it definitely won't happen.

You talk like a baby who isn't being spoilt enough.

I would like it

if you didn't make him shoot real birds tomorrow.

And I would like it

if you didn't buy me pearls because you bought us both the same thing.

And if they're circling...

it seems they're circling just me.

Not you.

Just me.

Perhaps because I always take care to close my curtains.

Look.

The thing is, Diana, there has to be two of you.

You... There's... There's two of me, there's two of Father, two of everyone.

There's the real one,

and the one they take pictures of.

Now, we are given tasks.

You know, I... I hated to shoot at first.

I gave my gun to the other one, but...

But you know, you have to be able to make your...

body do things...

you hate.

That you hate?

- That you hate. - That you hate?

Yes.

For the good of the country.

- Of the country? - Yes, the people.

Because they don't want us to be people.

That's how it is.

I'm sorry, I thought you knew.

So please, stick to the list as it is written,

in the order that it is written.

- The dresser gets upset. - I want Maggie back.

Someone heard Maggie saying she thinks you're cracking up.

What?

Yes, everyone here hears everything.

They just don't always tell you what they've heard.

This can be an opportunity to reflect on our own good fortune

and on whether we have anything to offer,

by way of example,

to those who have recently broken free of dictatorship.

We, who claim to be of the free world,

should examine what we really mean by freedom.

And how we can help to ensure

that once in place, it is there to stay.

There are all sorts of elements to a free society.

But I believe that among the most important

is the willingness of ordinary men and women...

Good girl.

Your Majesty.

I really like the dress you wore on television.

Wasn't the one my dresser recommended.

They take a lot of photographs of you, don't they?

The only portrait that really matters is the one they put on the ten pound note.

When they take that one, you understand all you are,

my dear, is currency.

Come on.

The turkey and the goose will be accompanied by the following:

plum sauce, bread sauce, cranberry sauce, cloudberry sauce,

potatoes, carrots and spinach.

Three plums for the Prince of Wales.

Organic carrots.

Please, be careful which box we take the carrots from

because he will bloody check.

Parsnips, again organic.

Okay, on to dessert.

We have soufflé d'abricots, bread and butter pudding,

a Christmas pudding chocolate yule log, plum pudding,

mince pies, raspberry croquets,

pastries, fondants, chocolate mousses,

white chocolate mousses, crème brûlée.

Finally, a selection of sweet and savoury organic biscuits.

Organic biscuits from?

Highgrove, chef!

Yes,

yes, bloody Highgrove.

Right. Okay, the time now is ten minutes past three.

Dinner will be served at eight p.m. precisely...

What happens to the pheasants?

What happens to the pheasants that my son will be shooting?

After the shoot...

we'll dress them and we'll pluck them and...

everyone will take a brace home with them.

There will be lots left over.

The staff get some, the dogs get some, and the rest is thrown away.

Thrown away...

The pheasants are bred to be shot, Ma'am. But for the gun, they wouldn't be there.

And the ones that don't get shot, they just get run over.

They're not the brightest of birds.

Beautiful but not very bright.

Did you read the Vogue article about me?

I've put soufflé d'abricots on the menu for you, your favourite.

And I will make it myself for you.

Fine.

Do you mind?

I've been reading about Anne Boleyn.

Oh.

I never remember which one is which.

She's the one who was beheaded by King Henry VIII.

Because he said that she was having an affair.

But in fact he was the one who was having the affair.

I think I saw her.

The ghost of her.

Everything you say to any member of staff here becomes currency.

Do you understand? It becomes currency in these rooms.

Good.

Excellent.

I'm prepared for my future

as a face on a coin to be passed from hand to hand.

No.

You don't even think that.

Did Maggie say that I was cracking up?

Which one's Maggie?

I thought she was my friend.

Did she say it?

I... I don't listen.

I just cook.

Some things are best not said out loud.

Stories of ghosts,

cutting off of heads and any odd thing that you might say,

they get repeated here.

But if I don't say it out loud, they read it on my face.

- They can all see into me. - Ma'am.

Usually when they sit at these tables and talk,

they're laughing.

At all the oddness and all the scandals.

But with you, they do not laugh.

They're gentle with you.

And they're kind.

And they are worried.

They want you to survive.

As the person you were when you first came here ten years ago.

Do you have access to wire cutters?

Why do you want wire cutters, Diana?

To cut wire.

Oh, go on.

Fly away.

Before it's too late.

If you are going to fly anywhere, may I recommend Kensington?

They wouldn't shoot you there.

They'd make a fuss of your beautiful feathers.

Look at the colours, they'd say.

And everyone would start wearing feathers just like yours.

You're so lucky, because you can wear the same outfit.

Forgive me, Ma'am,

But you need to get ready for dinner.

It's almost five.

Dinner's at eight.

Your dresser needs to dress you Ma'am. Come, come.

I'll be along shortly.

Ma'am, may I?

You know, some years ago I was in Belfast.

The Falls Road.

Sour times back then.

We were in an alley.

About to cross...

I had a good friend beside me.

A good friend.

Soldiers become more than friends, you know?

Anyway, to stop our legs from shaking, he was telling me a story.

He was brought up in a farm up in the Highlands and he was...

He was talking about some horse

that his father had bought at the fair that couldn't be tamed.

Lots of funny stories

about this wild horse throwing his brothers around and such.

But then he said...

"But then,

one fine morning..."

In that moment, the bullet hit him.

Back of the head, out through his nose. And he fell onto me and...

I hugged him.

Close.

Saved myself from the next bullet.

Hmm.

Never did find out what happened to that wild horse.

I asked myself, who do we soldiers die for?

Then I remembered my oath.

We all make an oath of loyalty to the Crown.

It's not the human beings, you see?

But it's the oath you chose to believe.

Their faults, their weaknesses, that's not what you think about

when you're in an alley in the Falls Road.

You think only about your oath.

And what that means.

I don't want anyone to die for me.

And I hope your friend's wild horse

was never tamed.

Ma'am.

I've been asked to ensure

that this time,

unlike your arrival at the House,

you arrive for dinner on time.

It is Her Majesty and the House of Windsor I am pledged to serve.

And I speak with their voice.

So please, there really is no time for indulgence, Ma'am.

It was you who put the book on my bed.

What book?

You put it there as a warning.

I really have no idea what you are talking about, Ma'am.

Ma'am, there seems to have been some confusion

about which dress to wear and when.

Yes, you reported my confusion faithfully.

Perhaps you've taken an oath.

The curtains have been fastened, Ma'am.

That is, I was told to sew them by His Royal Highness.

There have been reports of people in the grounds.

They think photographers.

We thought it wise.

Yes, it is wise.

- For Christmas dinner. - It's very wise...

I took it in.

You have lost weight.

Shall we try it on?

Ma'am, I will help you.

How can you help me?

I thought at first it might not fit me.

But it does.

There's even a little room left in it to accommodate for dinner.

There we are.

Hmm.

Will you wear it?

Of course I will wear it.

It says on the label "Christmas Day dinner,"

and it's Christmas Day dinner.

What else would I wear?

Now leave me.

I wish to masturbate.

Ma'am.

You can tell everyone I said that.

Ma'am.

- Dinner is served in 30 minutes. - God.

Yes, I'm coming!

Mummy?

Mummy?

Mummy,

you said to tell you if you were being really silly.

Mummy, you're being really silly.

Please.

Mummy, we have to sit down before Granny.

Ma'am, dinner is served in ten minutes.

Yes, we are just...

Mummy, just switch off your mind.

Don't think about it until after dinner.

For everyone's sake.

The chef has made soufflé d'abricots.

It's just for me.

It's not for them, it's for me.

You've got like one minute to get dressed.

You can do this.

That's okay because...

it only takes me one minute.

I look great anyway.

Did you see her in church?

See who, Mummy?

Jane Seymour, of course.

Mummy...

- I'll be one minute. - Okay.

Okay... one minute.

I just need one minute.

- Just one minute. Sorry. - No, no!

- It's okay, it's okay! - No, please, Mummy.

Ma'am?

Dessert is about to be served.

The soufflé d'abricots is just for me.

Ma'am, I've been told to wait for you.

That's very kind of you.

Very kind...

Ma'am?

Diana.

Come.

Emergency!

Hold on.

Fight them.

Be beautiful.

You are your own weapon.

Don't cut it to pieces.

Okay, but you have to stay with me.

You can't leave me.

- No. - Stay with me.

Of course.

Where is she?

Ma'am?

Ma'am, they are all waiting.

Ma'am, please.

Tell them I'm not well.

Tell them I'm not at all well!

Tell them I am not well.

Tell them I'm not well.

Go tell them I'm not well!

Ma'am.

I need a pair of Wellingtons. And a torch.

Thank you.

Where are you going, Ma'am?

Home.

Sir.

The Princess of Wales has gone outside.

She said she's going home.

Really? How odd.

I think that means she's going to Park House.

It's dangerous, Sir.

The stairs and the floorboards, they're rotten.

If a princess wants to go home, who are we to stand in her way?

If the constables report anything,

tell them to let her be.

That is all she wants.

For us all to just...

let her be.

Yes, Sir.

So.

Diana! Boys! Get inside!

Diana.

You know he gave her a picture of himself.

A miniature painting.

She wore it around her neck.

- Same as the one...

that I wore around my neck.

So I just tore it off.

Go.

Run.

Are you real?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Hey.

They asked me back.

They said they needed someone to talk to you.

Hmm.

Who is "they"?

The Prince of Wales.

That was good of him.

He's not all bad.

None of them are.

No.

They asked me to suggest that you see a doctor.

They say you've been...

cutting yourself again.

Hmm.

How do they know?

- They know everything. - They don't.

They don't know that Anne Boleyn saved my life last night.

I've been imagining how they'll write about me in a thousand years.

If you're Royal,

the more time that passes, the fewer words they use to describe you.

William: "the Conqueror."

Elizabeth: "the Virgin." Diana...

If I ever do become Queen,

what will I be?

Insane?

He said that you told someone that...

you thought I was cracking up.

It's okay.

But did you say it?

Before I answer that question,

- Ma'am... - Hmm.

For what it's worth...

I've never told you this and it probably means you'll have to fire me, but...

well actually, I'm in love with you.

Yes, I mean...

I mean in that way.

Completely.

So, I suppose the one word I'd use to describe you

would be "shocked."

Diana: "the Shocked."

Um...

- Goodness. - Yes, quite.

So what do you say to that?

- I... - Shock does wonders apparently.

And I know... I know you don't see me in that way.

- No, I... - It's perfectly fine. I'm a grown-up.

I just thought I'd lighten the gloom with something totally unexpected.

Bam.

Just think of all the times I've seen you naked.

I'm surprised, but...

completely...

I'm grown-up about... this.

No, you're not. You're not.

You're having a childish giggle and I love it.

Fuck doctors. What you need is love.

Love, shocks and laughter.

Plenty of it.

- I... - You ready for that walk now?

It's going out. Further and further.

One hour to the guns.

Load the shoot boxes, please.

Eggs, dairy and cheese are our friends. Meats and oils our enemies.

Remember, salt cellars will lie down with the spices

on muslin bed sheets.

- Just do your best, okay? - Yes.

Park the car in the staff car park

and leave the keys in the glove compartment.

Why? What are you going to do?

I'm going to take my place among the pheasants.

No...

Seriously. What?

No, seriously.

Oh, Maggie, it's all just a bit of fun, isn't it?

Men.

Husbands, sex.

Mistresses.

Deceit.

Succession.

It's currency.

That's all we are.

I like nice things

that are simple, ordinary.

But things that are real.

You know, I really like things that are

quite middle-class, unfashionable.

I love Les Mis, I love...

Phantom of the Opera.

I love fast food.

I feel sorry for pheasants.

There's no hope for me.

Not with them.

I'm going to see you back in Kensington.

I can't wait.

- I'll have a pheasant feather in my hat. - Okay.

Saboteur!

Hold your fire!

Boys!

I want to take you home.

I'm not moving from this spot

until they come to me!

You'll just have to shoot me!

Go.

You... try to help her.

Your Royal Highness, do you want me to intervene here?

My sons...

are going to join their mother.

So everyone hold your fire.

Go.

Yes.

Okay.

Oh!

Come on!

- Slowpoke! Slowpoke! - Come on!

- Come on! - Do you want to be first?

Come on, Mummy.

Hang on. Boys.

Come here. Come on, come on.

Feet up, feet up.

What are we?

Seventeen and a half stone.

- There. - Come, Mummy.

That's how much I enjoyed myself.

- Ma'am, shall I bring the car? - Tell Major Gregory:

seventeen and a half stone.

Write it down.

Right here, Mummy?

Are you leaving us, Ma'am?

Yes! Isn't it terrible?

Yeah. Would you like me to make you up some food?

There's a lot left over.

No, I've promised them a real treat.

I missed your soufflé.

It would've only been wasted on me, anyway.

We need the keys.

There's also a note.

Bye!

Where are we going?

Home.

- I'm cold. - And I'm hungry.

Well, turn the heating up! We're going to eat.

Where are we going to eat?

Somewhere!

- Do you know? - Trust me!

- Do you know? - We'll find out!

All I need is a miracle

All I need is you

All I need is a miracle

All I need is you

All I need is a miracle

All I need is you

I love this car.

I love this song!

I'm gonna love you for the rest of your life

Let's go!

Can I take your order?

Three times chicken.

Three times fries. Two colas and an orange juice, please.

And what name is it?

Spencer.

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull