All language subtitles for F is For Family s01e04 F Is For Halloween.eng

sync & correction by f1nc0
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[suspenseful music playing]

It... It's the Waffler!

[screaming]

I waffle... your head.
[sizzling]

[whimpering]

Breakfast any time.

- [yelling] Yes!
- Can you please keep it down in there?

- [Bill] Sorry, Mom.
- [Kevin] All right.

[crunching noise on TV]
[kids scream]

- [sighs] Sorry about that.
- Jesus, Sue, ever hear of a diaphragm?

Anyway, congratulations.

You're the top Plast-A-Ware
neighborhood sales

- liaison for September!
- [gasps] Gee, this is so special.

I haven't won anything since my high
school softball team went to State.

Oh, my goodness. Look at this.

What is it?

- It's a telephone answering machine.
- A what?

When you're not home, the
machine will answer the phone

and let the caller leave
a message on cassette tape.

It helps me keep track of my orders.

And it's the official
answering machine of NASA.

- Oh, this must've cost a fortune.
- Well, you earned it.

- This is so cool.
- Oh, man, it's like we're rich now!

Well, you're all set.
Now you'll never miss a sales call,

which could come in handy
because we might have an

opening soon for a part-time,
level two sales manager.

[gasps] Level two?

Wow. Really?

It's not definite yet, but it
would be a couple days a week,

and we'd pay you... with money.

[gasps] That would be wonderful.

But, oh, of course, I'd
have to ask Frank about it.

Of course you would. I'll keep my ear

to the ground and let you
know if the job opens up.

Who knows, maybe someday
you might drive your own

lime lady Lincoln!
Oh, your husband seems to like mine.

Hey, Vic, did you park this
pimpmobile in front of my house?

Not me, kemo sabe, but that color rocks!

It's mine, Frank, and
I was just leaving.

[gasps] Victor?
Look at you, all grown up.

Oh, my sweet Jesus, it's Miss Saunders.

I can't believe my eyes.

- You two know each other?
- Oh, yeah.

Miss Saunders was my lunch
lady at Eisenhower High.

And he was my special
after-school helper.

Remember how we "cleaned the kitchen"?

Yeah, you "fucked the shit outta me."

Jesus Christ, Vic, show some respect!

Sorry, neighbor, it's not
me speaking, it's my Chi.

[blows kiss]

[starts engine]
Bye, Sue.

Honey, I got some big news for you. Big!

Gather around, kids!

Mr. Dunbarton, the
CEO of Mohican Airways,

awarded your father the "Tie Tack
of Excellence," given only to...

- Mommy won an answering machine.
- A what?

Um... [nervous chuckle]

It's like a robot that answers
your phone. It's nothing, really.

- It cost 180 bucks.
- Jesus.

Mm, I'm sure they buy them in bulk.

So what were you saying? I want
to hear all about your tie clip.

Tie tack. It's the highest
award given to only a select f...

- Wow, this thing has two tapes!
- How do they do that?

Christ, you people don't even
give a shit, do ya? Let's eat.

I'm a mockery in my own goddamn house.

I might as well go
sleep in the basement.

Well, before you do, I
have a little bit of news.

Vivian...
[phone ringing]

Ah, shit, every time we go to sit down!

I'll tell you right now
I'm not answering it!

You don't have to! The machine will.

[robotic voice] Leave
a message at the tone.

Here we go, our first message.

[beep]

[Bob] ...what kind of
fucking contraption this is,

but I'm looking for Frank Murphy!

Whoever's hearing this,
you tell Frank that his boss,

Bob Pogo, needs him
back at the airport now!

His union pals are staging
a goddamn slow-down!

He promised me he'd put those
baggage donkeys back in their pen!

- What a lovely gift, Sue.
- Hello?!

- Hooray for us.
- You tell him to get here now!

Not tomorrow,
not ten minutes from now,

but right goddamn now!

[labored breathing]
Fucking eczema everywhere.

[up-tempo song playing]

[grunts, screams]

1x04 - "F" Is For Halloween

- Yep. I love me a good slow-down.
- Man, this is nothing.

Did I ever tell you about
the Slow-Down of '63?

We didn't start it till '64.

[all chortling]

What the hell's going on here?

While you're pulling this little stunt,

I've got two plane-loads of
drunk Shriners and crippled

kids in Baggage Claim
screaming at me. Hurry it up!

Bob, my union brothers
are working just as fast

as Mohican Airways has responded
to our request for a new contract.

And to think I once gave
you one of my old suits.

And I appreciated that.

I used it to upholster my couch.
And two chairs.

And with the leftover material,
I made a cover for my pool.

[giggling]

OK, Bob, I'm here.
What's going on?

Murphy, you tell these ingrates

that if they don't stop
this illegal slow-down...

[grunting]
[stomach sloshes]

...I will put them out on the...

Oh, God. I'm in
a blood sugar free-fall.

I gotta get a Ring Ding
or a Pixy Stix. [exhales]

[gasping, exhales]

Is my foot on the gas pedal?
I got the numbies.

Here you go.
[tires screech]

I'm going backwards!
[crashing]

Rosie, come on, man, a slow-down?

It's just gonna make the company
dig their heels in harder.

Oh. Well, did Dunbarton tell
you that at the country club

when you were gargling on his nuts?

Jesus Christ, it was one football game.

Come on, I want to help you guys out.

You want to help?
Tell your buddy Dunbarton this:

if we don't have a fair contract
by midnight on Christmas Eve,

the entire membership of
this union will go on strike.

Christmas is our busiest time,
that'll kill the airline.

You've got some work to do.

And you? You just sit on
your ass and do nothing.

This is good. We can work on
our screenplay for Fuck School.

According to this book I read,

somebody's gotta fuck
in the first ten pages.

[male announcer on TV] Stan
Steigerwald misses an easy spare!

He just lost the championship!

Oh-ho-ho!
You piece of shit!

Dad, I can't concentrate
on my homework when

- you're screaming at the TV!
- This is how I relax!

Blowing a shot like that
can drive a man to drink.

I tell ya, Ern, I don't
like to drink and drive,

but when I have to, I
drink White House beer.

White House beer, the one
draft you won't want to dodge!

Kids, I brought down the costume box.

- Yay!
- I love Halloween.

It's like Christmas for kids.

- That's the one I want.
- I don't care.

Me and Phillip are gonna
trick-or-treat together.

Nickel and Pickle.

- That's queer.
- You're queer!

God! I'm trying to do better
at school like you want me to,

and I've got two days to finish
this homework or I flunk out!

Then I have to go get some
shitty job at the airport

or sell my body at the bus station.

I can't think in this goddamn house!
[door slams]

[mimics Dracula] I want to
suck your blood in space.

Princess, take that off now.

There's no girl astronauts...
or vampires.

Women will be astronauts
in the future, sweetie.

- Sue, why do you lie to the girl?
- Frank, I gotta make

some deliveries. Can you hold
down the fort while I'm gone?

Yeah, yep, sure.

[door opens, closes]

Hey! Hey, where you going?

You're just gonna leave me
alone with these animals?

- You leave them with me.
- Yeah, but that's our deal.

You knew what you were getting
into when you let me get into you.

- Gross!
- We are having a private conversation!

You're in the front yard!
I can't work out here, either!

I need a sanctuary for learning!

[door slams]
[engine starts]

You're still going?

I think you can handle being
a mom for half an hour.

Ah, Christ.

- Breakfast anytime!
- Cut the shit!

All right, brush your
teeth and go to bed.

It's still light out.

We're playing a new game called
"Summer in Alaska."

Come on, let's go!
Let's go, go to bed.

Oh, man, now you're
just screwing with me!

[phone ringing]

Sweet dreams.

[answering machine beeps]

Sue, it's Vivian
from Plast-A-Ware.

Can you pick up?
It's important.

Ah, Christ, she's relentless. Shut up.

[voice echoes over machine] This
is her husband. Sue isn't home.

Oh, well, hello. How are you?

[electronic feedback]
I'm great. What do you want?

Ah, shit, hang on a sec.

Well, a part-time job has
opened up at Plast-A-Ware,

and I wanted to offer Sue the position.

Tell Sue to call me with her
answer, which I hope is yes!

OK, uh, yeah.

Uh, she-she did mention that to me,
and it, uh, breaks my heart to tell you,

but, uh... she decided to turn it down.

- Really?
- Afraid so.

She said there's no job more important

than being a mother to
three beautiful miracles.

[floor squeaks]

[softly] Get back in your room before
I put you through that fucking wall!

Oh. Oh, that's too bad. She
seemed real excited about it.

Yeah, she was just being polite to
an older lady. Her words, not mine.

Hm. So sorry to hear that.
I'll move on to the next candidate.

Yeah, you do that. Bye.

Ah, Christ, who put syrup on the phone?

[bell rings]

[principal over PA] School
is now over for the day.

Have a safe and happy Halloween.

I can't wait to start
trick-or-treating!

I hear the Malloys are giving
out full-size candy bars 'cause

last year they gave out dog
biscuits and their house got TP'd.

[owl hooting]
[dog howls in distance]

There's a werewolf!

[howling continues]

If I die, tell my mom I touched the soft

spot on my brother's
head when he was a baby.

I think that's why he can't read!

Check it out, I can make
this cat sound like a wolf.

[howling sound, low growl]

[yowling]
Aw!

That musical kitty was our
ticket outta this shithole.

We was gonna be on Midnight Special.

Oh, I thought we were gonna die

before we got to wear our
Nickel and Pickle costumes.

- Costumes?
- [shrieking] Get lost!

[voice trembling] Hey, Jimmy.
I like your costume.

[stammers] Are you going as a hobo?

These are my Sunday
clothes, dick licker!

They're from the Johnny
Carson collection!

And trick-or-treating is for femmes!

If I catch you two dressing up tonight,

I'll skin you alive and make
your pelts into a comforter

and I'll fuck your mom on it.

And she'll say, "Ooh, that's the
best pelt-fucking I ever got, Jimmy."

- My mom wouldn't do that.
- I will gut you! [boys gasp]

Yeah, that's it, run away!
I'll be watching!

[chuckles]

I know things are strained between
us since I moved into management,

but I'm still one of you,
and I'm gonna make sure your

best interests are represented
at the contract talks.

- Did Bob Pogo tell you to say that?
- [scoffs] Pogo.

He's so fat, he's gotta
use a garden hose and

a hand-mirror to wipe his ass.

- Eh? Am I right?
- You are not right. He uses extra-soft,

double-ply toilet paper that's
in the executive bathroom,

when all we get is the kind that
comes out one square at a time.

And there ain't no divider
between the shitters!

They took a beautiful
thing and made it ugly.

- That sucks!
- OK, OK, OK.

Those are all legitimate grievances.
And I hear you,

but the industry is changing
whether we like it or not,

and there has to be
compromises on both sides.

I'm dealing with change in my own life.

For instance, my wife just
got this new answering machine,

and at first I was
afraid of it, but now...

- She got a who?
- It's called an answering machine.

It answers the phone for
you and records messages.

- But my point is...
- You mean there's like a little robot

inside that picks up
the phone and goes...

[mimics robot bleeps]
Aw, man.

You dumbasses, that's not how it works.
Frank, how does it work?

[crickets chirring]

Good, you're home. Help me
put this cat costume on Major.

- He's getting bitey.
- Do it yourself. I'm not going out tonight.

- I don't feel well.
- Mm, your forehead's cool.

Take a little nap. After that,
you'll feel like trick-or-treating.

I think I just grew out of it.

[line ringing] [Frank] Fellas,
we're about to call the answering

machine the astronauts took to the Moon.

[low murmurs]

OK, when you hear the
beep, leave me a message.

[answering machine beeps]
Hello, there.

You are a shit-eating scab turncoat.

It's for Dad!

[chortling]

Yeah, yeah. It's funny
because we're friends.

OK, OK, so then you hang
up the phone, you call back,

and with this little beepy
thing, we can hear your message.

[machine rewinding]

[Bob] ...put those baggage
donkeys back in their pen!

Oops. [chuckles]
Went back too far.

[Frank] It, uh, breaks my
heart to tell you, but, uh...

she decided to turn it down.

- [Vivian] Really?
- [Frank] Afraid so.

She said there's no job more important

than being a mother to
three beautiful miracles.

Wow, it records everything you say.

I am dead.

I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead!

- I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead.
- Mister, I can't find my mommy.

Get the fuck outta my way!

I'm dead. I'm dead. I'm dead.

I'm home! Honey?

Are you here? 'Cause
we're going out to dinner!

- Oh, boy!
- [Vivian] I'm so sorry to hear that.

I'll move on to the next candidate.

[Frank] Yeah, you do that. Bye. Ah,
Christ, who put syrup on the phone?

[answering machine beeps]

So, uh... you listened to it, huh?

OK, OK, you have every
right to be mad at me.

So it's all right if you
need a few minutes to yourself

before you start making dinner.

[starts engine]

That's it, yeah! Sure!
Get some air. I understand.

Drive down to the end of the block
and come right back! Of course!

[yelling] You can't leave me alone with
these kids! I won't survive!

- Ah, Christ.
- [Maureen] Where's Mommy going?

She's supposed to help me
with my Halloween costume.

[stammers] I...

Halloween.

[creepy music]

Ah, shit, they're coming.

[kids laughing, chattering]

They're coming.

[kids] Trick-or-treat!

They're coming!

- [Ken] Trick-or-treat.
- [yells] No!

Just a second!
We're not ready yet!

OK, OK, uh, your mom stepped
out for a bit. I am in charge.

But we've got ziti in the oven,

and we're still gonna
have a great Halloween.

[doorbell rings]
[knocking at door]

Hang on!

Does anybody know where
your mom put the candy?

Beats me.

Daddy, I'm gonna be Mr. Coconut!

No, you are not.
Mr. Coconut is a Mister.

If he's a Mister, why
does he have milk inside?

- Uh, that's man milk. Bill, you wear it.
- I don't want it.

Do what you want!

Aah!

Just a goddamn minute!
[grunts]

Son of a bitch!
[doorbell ringing]

[knocking at door]
Where the hell is the candy?

- Where'd Mommy go?
- She's out shopping.

- Yeah, for a new husband.
- She is not!

Did she say something to you?
[doorbell ringing]

Stupid goddamn kids!
There it is.

[kids] Trick-or-treat!

Oh, look at that, Fat Albert.

I'm not wearing a costume.

Well, then you don't
get any fucking candy.

[Maureen] Daddy, the oven made a noise!

All right, I'm coming, I'm coming!

The rest of you, only one candy per kid.

It's an honor system, got it?

[kids] Yes, sir.

[boy] How dumb is this guy?

Hey, hey! Put it back!

I hope somebody puts
a razor blade in your apple!

Tonight on Colt Luger: the
mystery of the missing mother.

No, no, no, no, no.
Colt Luger is a man.

You are a girl. Take that off.

- Cocksucker.
- What? Where did you hear that?

Oh, right. Hey, when
your mother comes home,

don't tell her I use that word.

- What if she never comes home?
- D'oh, you little cocksucker!

Your brother made me say that!

[doorbell ringing]
[screams]

[all] Trick-or-treat!

[Italian accent] Hey, here you go!

Happy Halloween from the Murphalettis.

[exclaiming]
You're melting my candy!

- You suck!
- Yeah, yeah, arrivederci.

[German accent] Look, Daddy,
I'm Mr. Holtenwasser.

[gasps] Take that off right now.
Mr. Holtenwasser is not a Nazi.

[both] He's a Satan worshiper.

He is not that either.
He is not scary.

He's just a sad old man whose
family was butchered in the war.

Dad, which president
served the shortest term?

- How should I know?
- It's the last question, I gotta get it.

- That's what the library's for.
- Will you give me a ride?

Kevin, are you blind?
Look at all this shit

I gotta do with your mom gone!
Take your bike!

- Somebody stole my seat!
- Then walk!

I know you got feet because they
came out of your mother first!

- Ah, that's so gross!
- Oh, fuck you, I was there!

Who needs ziti? Dinner is served.

? Meet Lord Jesus ?
[gasps]

Take that off.
We'll both go to hell.

- Can I be Nazi Jesus?
- What is wrong with you?

You said I can't be Mr. Coconut,

- and the girl costumes aren't fun.
- OK. Fine.

If it means that much to
you, you can be a coconut.

- Mr. Coconut.
- Mr. Coconut.

Is that your mother?
[car pulls up]

How do I look? How do I look?

Heya, Frank.
Did you think I was Sue?

[groans]

[Maureen] Bill's faking
sick and I want candy.

I'm going trick-or-treating now.

OK, get in the car.

I'm gonna take you to an
even better neighborhood.

Yay!

- Where are we going?
- I'll tell you when we get there.

[kids yelping]
[Frank] Happy Halloween! Sorry.

['70s rock music plays on radio]

Stupid Dad.
If I ever have kids,

I'm gonna drive
'em to the library all the time.

What the fuck? You almost
hit me, you douchebag!

- That's the point!
- Come on up!

Uh, I can't, man.

I... I have to get this
last stupid history question

- or I flunk out.
- Screw that. Join us.

[straining] We're doing pumpkin hits!

'Tis the season! [chuckles]

Fuck it. Hey, don't bogart that gourd!

[kid] Hey, check it!
Let's go up to that house.

[kids chattering]

[line ringing]

[boy] Bonfiglio residence.
Phillip Bonfiglio speaking.

- Hey. Jimmy's a jerk.
- I know. I wish he was dead.

I'm gonna be 12 next summer.
This might be my last

Halloween as a kid and we
can't let some jerk ruin it.

But what can we do?

We should go out and
trick-or-treat anyway.

We'll just do a couple streets,
and then we'll run back home.

- What if he sees us?
- He's not gonna see us.

It's dark and we'll be
wearing costumes. OK?

- OK. Are you sure?
- Yeah. Get your costume on!

Well, I warned you
about wearing a costume!

Can I go trick-or-treating now?

Pretty soon, sweetheart, but
first we're gonna play a new game.

It's called "Look for cars
that look like Mom's car."

[Maureen groans] This is worse than
"Summer in Alaska."

Look, Jimmy, I just wanted to get a
little trick-or-treating in, that's all.

You understand, right?
[boys laughing]

Aw, you pickle pussy!
[grunting]

[kids chattering]
Pickle pussy! Pickle pussy!

Ow! Stop it! Ow!
[grunting]

[Bill] That hurts!

[kids clamoring]
[Bill grunts]

[yells]
[Bill groans]

[kids clamoring]

- [Bill] Ah! [grunts]
- [kid] Whoo-hoo!

[groans]
[kids cheering]

Look at me, I'm Haystacks
Calhoun! [grunts, laughing]

Oh, man, he's flat.
I think I killed him!

- [boy] There's no blood.
- Must've killed that, too.

[panting]

He got away!

You better stay in your
house forever, Murphy!

[panting]
If you ever set foot outside again,

I will fucking mutilate you!
[sobbing]

Fucking asshole!

All right, let's go.

- You're the man, Jimmy.
- Oh, I know. It's a lot of pressure.

Daddy, where is this great
trick-or-treat neighborhood?

Ah, it's around here somewhere.

[Frank] Goddamn it!

Whoa!
Shit, Murph, that was your dad's car!

[slurring] I know!
I threw it, and then it hit it.

[all laughing]

Whoever ruined my paint job is
lucky my wife just left me or I'd...

Has anybody seen her?! Huh?

[car door slams shut]

I gotta get to the stupid
library before it closes.

I still have to answer that
fucking history question.

I know history. History of drugs.

[all laughing]
Uh, what's the question?

What president served the shortest term?

- William Henry Harrison, 31 days.
- How the hell do you know that?

It's presidential trivia.

It's on the label of every
bottle of White House beer.

Homework done. I'm a fucking genius.

[Frank] It's around here somewhere.

[Maureen] This is where
Mommy buys macram� yarn.

[Frank] Exactly.

- Shit.
- You're not taking me trick-or-treating!

- You're looking for Mommy!
- OK, sweetheart.

Uh, when we find Mommy and
you tell her to forgive me,

then you can go trick-or-treat.

And if it's too late, I'll
go by the grocery store

and I'll get you all
the candy you want, OK?

[voice breaking] It's not the same.

You're right, you're right, I know.
Let's just find Mom first.

[sad music plays]

[bat cracks] Well, that's either
your mother or Boog Powell.

Hey. Still mad at me?
[grunts]

OK. Look, I just want you
to know that I know this is,

this is definitely the worst
thing I ever did to you.

Except for that thing in Harrisburg,

which I'm now realizing
I never told you about.

But I'm not apologizing for that,
I'm talking about this.

Look, I got upset. Maybe
I overreacted a little bit

to things changing. And I
just want to say I'm sorry.

[grunts]
[fence clanging]

Nice rip.

I'm just really, really sorry.

OK?
Does, uh, does that make it better?

We, uh, we good now?

No, Frank. Those are just words.

They don't mean anything
unless you back 'em up. [grunts]

Look... I love you, and I love the kids,

but I need more... for myself.

- Oh, Jesus.
- What was that?

- Nothing, nothing.
- When Vivian mentioned that job,

my first thought was what
your reaction would be.

I didn't consider what I wanted.

It made me think, "How did I
become this person?" [sighs]

So I called her tonight
and I took that job.

I start next week, and you
need to be OK with that.

Wow. OK, uh...

- Yes. I'm OK with it.
- Good.

Hi, Bill. I'm glad
you're feeling better.

- [Maureen] It's me, Mommy!
- Maureen? Hi, sweetie.

You let her be Mr. Coconut?

It won't be an easy life for her,
but it's the choice she made.

[chuckling]

So, uh... what do you say?
You ready to come home?

Uh, I'll be home soon.
I paid for 300 pitches.

- I was pretty mad at you.
- OK. Sure. I'll see you at home later.

Just keep that elbow up.

You're not getting through
the zone fast enough.

[ball flying, hits fence]

- Just do what you want!
- Thanks, honey.

[grunts]

- Let's go trick-or-treat now.
- I don't want to anymore. I'm hungry.

- Didn't you eat? I made ziti.
- You poured it on everybody's candy.

That's right, I did.
I'll make you some cereal.

[grunts]
[car starts]

[slow rock song plays]
[grunting]

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