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7
00:02:43,208 --> 00:02:46,999
Mary Dinkle's eyes were the colour
of muddy puddles.
8
00:02:47,083 --> 00:02:49,540
Her birthmark, the colour of poo.
9
00:03:03,833 --> 00:03:08,374
It was Saturday afternoon
and she was bored.
10
00:03:08,375 --> 00:03:12,540
Mary wished she had a friend
to play piggybacks with.
11
00:03:24,958 --> 00:03:29,624
Mary's mood ring, which she'd
found in a cereal box, was grey
12
00:03:29,708 --> 00:03:31,999
which, according to the chart,
13
00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:39,207
meant she was either pensive,
unconsciously ambitious or hungry.
14
00:03:39,250 --> 00:03:43,374
Her only friends were 'The Noblets'
from her favourite cartoon.
15
00:03:43,375 --> 00:03:46,832
They weren't the real ones
you bought in the shops
16
00:03:46,833 --> 00:03:51,249
but fake ones she had to make herself
from shells, gumnuts, pompoms
17
00:03:51,250 --> 00:03:56,374
and the chicken bones salvaged
from Friday night's takeaway.
18
00:03:56,375 --> 00:04:00,540
She had to make all her own toys,
and her favourites were Shrinkies...
19
00:04:00,541 --> 00:04:04,915
potato chip packets that
she had shrunk in the oven.
20
00:04:08,791 --> 00:04:12,082
Mary's father, Noel Norman Dinkle,
21
00:04:12,083 --> 00:04:15,499
worked in a factory,
attaching the strings to tea bags.
22
00:04:17,125 --> 00:04:19,540
At show and tell, she told the class
23
00:04:19,541 --> 00:04:24,874
he could get as many free tea bags
as he wanted.
24
00:04:24,875 --> 00:04:28,790
Her favourite tea bag was Earl Grey.
25
00:04:28,791 --> 00:04:33,124
She loved saying 'Earl Grey'
26
00:04:33,125 --> 00:04:38,499
and would like one day to marry
someone called Earl Grey.
27
00:04:40,166 --> 00:04:42,124
They would live
in a castle in Scotland,
28
00:04:42,208 --> 00:04:44,790
have 9 babies, 2 ducks...
29
00:04:44,791 --> 00:04:46,665
...and a dog called Kevin.
30
00:04:49,166 --> 00:04:52,999
Noel's hobby was to sit in his shed
and drink Baileys Irish Cream
31
00:04:53,000 --> 00:04:58,249
and stuff birds he'd found
on the side of the freeway.
32
00:04:58,250 --> 00:05:05,124
Mary wished he'd spend more time
with her and less with his dead friends.
33
00:05:05,125 --> 00:05:08,957
She also wished she had
some brothers and sisters.
34
00:05:08,958 --> 00:05:12,540
Her mother had told her
she was 'an accident'.
35
00:05:12,583 --> 00:05:16,540
How could someone be an accident?
36
00:05:16,541 --> 00:05:20,749
Grandpoppy Ralph had told her
that babies were deliberate
37
00:05:20,750 --> 00:05:24,249
and found by dads
at the bottom of their beer.
38
00:05:26,250 --> 00:05:29,540
Grandpoppy Ralph
had smelt like pickled onions
39
00:05:29,541 --> 00:05:34,832
and had been a member
of the Frankston Ice Breakers for 51 years.
40
00:05:36,958 --> 00:05:40,249
They swam in winter to feel alive.
41
00:05:40,250 --> 00:05:46,540
Grandpoppy Ralph had said
it made his nipples erect.
42
00:05:46,541 --> 00:05:49,249
He had died the year before, aged 74,
43
00:05:49,250 --> 00:05:54,790
and his best mate, Ken,
had recited a poem in his honour.
44
00:05:54,791 --> 00:05:58,290
Born in a barn in the hills of Boronia,
45
00:05:58,291 --> 00:06:00,124
Ralph lived a long life,
46
00:06:00,125 --> 00:06:03,790
then died of pneumonia.
47
00:06:03,791 --> 00:06:04,790
Mary missed him
48
00:06:04,833 --> 00:06:09,540
and often wondered
why he had drunk ammonia.
49
00:06:09,541 --> 00:06:12,540
A lot of things puzzled Mary
50
00:06:12,541 --> 00:06:16,957
especially her mother,
Vera Lorraine Dinkle.
51
00:06:17,791 --> 00:06:22,082
To Mary, Vera always seemed wobbly.
52
00:06:22,083 --> 00:06:25,082
A pretty vicious ball.
And he's out!
53
00:06:25,333 --> 00:06:29,332
Vera liked listening to the cricket
while baking
54
00:06:29,416 --> 00:06:33,540
and her main ingredient
was always sherry.
55
00:06:33,541 --> 00:06:36,749
3/44. And Thompson 2/15...
56
00:06:36,750 --> 00:06:39,749
She told Mary it was a type of tea
for grown-ups
57
00:06:39,750 --> 00:06:42,749
that needed constant testing.
58
00:06:42,750 --> 00:06:46,624
Just out of the reach
of the lead. 6/96 England.
59
00:06:51,583 --> 00:06:56,249
Mary thought her mother tested
the sherry... way too much.
60
00:06:58,791 --> 00:07:04,540
Mary also couldn't understand
why Vera was always 'borrowing'.
61
00:07:04,541 --> 00:07:09,665
Yesterday, she borrowed
some fish fingers from Aisle 6.
62
00:07:09,666 --> 00:07:13,957
She told Mary she put things
up her dress to save on plastic bags.
63
00:07:16,916 --> 00:07:21,415
Vera was indeed a complicated soul.
64
00:07:33,875 --> 00:07:35,207
Mary stopped daydreaming
65
00:07:35,250 --> 00:07:38,082
and went and fetched
her pet rooster from the rain.
66
00:07:41,166 --> 00:07:44,582
Her father had found the rooster
on the side of the freeway
67
00:07:44,583 --> 00:07:48,790
after it had fallen off the back
of a slaughter truck.
68
00:07:48,791 --> 00:07:50,915
She named him Ethel.
69
00:07:54,750 --> 00:07:59,082
It was time to watch 'The Noblets'.
She adored 'The Noblets'
70
00:07:59,166 --> 00:08:03,165
because everyone was brown,
lived in a teapot
71
00:08:03,208 --> 00:08:06,957
and had oodles of friends.
72
00:08:06,958 --> 00:08:09,832
There was nothing nicer,
Mary thought to herself,
73
00:08:09,833 --> 00:08:12,540
than the smell of a wet rooster...
74
00:08:12,541 --> 00:08:14,415
...the sound of rain on the roof
75
00:08:14,458 --> 00:08:18,915
and the taste of sweetened
condensed milk straight from the can
76
00:08:18,916 --> 00:08:23,207
while watching your favourite cartoon.
77
00:09:08,375 --> 00:09:13,124
Meanwhile, a man called Max Horowitz
also watched 'The Noblets'.
78
00:09:16,000 --> 00:09:20,457
Max's small television
had picture but no sound.
79
00:09:20,458 --> 00:09:25,165
His big television, sound but no picture.
80
00:09:25,166 --> 00:09:27,582
He was 44 and liked 'The Noblets'
81
00:09:27,583 --> 00:09:31,457
as they lived in a delineated
and articulated social structure
82
00:09:31,458 --> 00:09:34,832
with constant adherent conformity
83
00:09:34,833 --> 00:09:38,790
and also because they
had oodles of friends.
84
00:09:41,125 --> 00:09:42,915
Max had trouble sleeping
85
00:09:42,958 --> 00:09:49,249
and had spent the night watching
television and catching fish food.
86
00:09:49,291 --> 00:09:53,957
He noted to himself it was the sixth fly
he'd caught this evening.
87
00:09:58,166 --> 00:10:01,707
He wondered if he should go to bed
and count sheep
88
00:10:01,708 --> 00:10:05,499
or have one more chocolate hotdog.
89
00:10:05,500 --> 00:10:09,957
He thought he'd try both
but it didn't work.
90
00:10:09,958 --> 00:10:16,457
It had been 6 hours and 12 minutes
since Henry VIII had passed away.
91
00:10:16,458 --> 00:10:19,874
And Henry's death
had thrown Max's life into disarray.
92
00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:22,999
It had become asymmetrical
93
00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:26,749
and the sooner he got
a new fish, the better.
94
00:10:29,666 --> 00:10:33,582
Tomorrow he would go to the pet store
and get another Henry...
95
00:10:33,583 --> 00:10:35,499
Henry IX.
96
00:10:51,791 --> 00:10:54,665
Next.
97
00:10:54,666 --> 00:10:56,082
It was shopping day
98
00:10:56,083 --> 00:11:03,207
and Mary sat patiently while her mother
'borrowed' some envelopes.
99
00:11:03,250 --> 00:11:05,999
To fill in time, she scanned the room
100
00:11:06,000 --> 00:11:08,999
and counted how many things were brown.
101
00:11:09,000 --> 00:11:11,457
There was sticky tape, rubber bands
102
00:11:11,458 --> 00:11:16,040
and a phone book with a picture
of a lady standing in a brown lake
103
00:11:16,041 --> 00:11:18,207
with her hand on fire.
104
00:11:19,291 --> 00:11:25,040
People had weird names in America,
Mary Daisy Dinkle thought to herself.
105
00:11:25,041 --> 00:11:29,999
Funny-sounding people
called Rockefeller and Finkelstein.
106
00:11:30,041 --> 00:11:33,415
She wondered what they
looked like, how old they were
107
00:11:33,416 --> 00:11:39,332
and if they were married, wore glasses
or had found babies in their beer.
108
00:11:39,375 --> 00:11:42,624
Maybe in the USA
they found babies elsewhere.
109
00:11:42,625 --> 00:11:45,332
They drank a lot of cola.
110
00:11:45,333 --> 00:11:48,874
Maybe they found them in cans.
111
00:11:48,875 --> 00:11:51,707
But, no, they wouldn't fit
through the hole.
112
00:11:53,125 --> 00:11:56,249
Mary had an idea.
113
00:11:56,250 --> 00:12:02,374
She would write to one of the Americans
and ask where babies came from.
114
00:12:02,416 --> 00:12:06,332
She chose a Mr M Horowitz.
115
00:12:15,000 --> 00:12:18,374
Mrs Dinkle!
116
00:12:18,375 --> 00:12:22,915
Come back here, Vera Dinkle!
You come back here!
117
00:12:26,000 --> 00:12:28,915
Dear Mr M Horowitz,
118
00:12:28,916 --> 00:12:32,957
my name is Mary Daisy Dinkle
119
00:12:32,958 --> 00:12:38,957
and I am 8 years old,
3 months and 9 days.
120
00:12:39,291 --> 00:12:41,582
My favourite colour is brown
121
00:12:41,583 --> 00:12:45,665
and my favourite food is
sweetened condensed milk
122
00:12:45,666 --> 00:12:49,332
followed closely by chocolate.
123
00:12:49,333 --> 00:12:54,332
I have a rooster called Ethel,
that looks like this.
124
00:12:54,333 --> 00:12:57,124
He doesn't lay eggs but will one day.
125
00:12:58,625 --> 00:13:02,082
My mother likes smoking,
cricket and sherry
126
00:13:02,083 --> 00:13:07,624
and my father likes playing in his shed
with dead birds.
127
00:13:07,708 --> 00:13:10,457
Where do babies come from in America?
128
00:13:10,458 --> 00:13:12,582
Do they come from cola cans?
129
00:13:12,583 --> 00:13:17,165
In Australia
they are found in beer glasses.
130
00:13:17,166 --> 00:13:18,790
Here is a drawing of me.
131
00:13:18,791 --> 00:13:22,165
I can't draw ears proper
but I'm good at teeth.
132
00:13:23,000 --> 00:13:27,707
It would be great if you could write back
and be my friend.
133
00:13:27,708 --> 00:13:31,749
Yours 'sincerealy', Mary Daisy Dinkle.
134
00:13:32,833 --> 00:13:38,165
PS. I hope you like the chocolate bar
I'm also sending.
135
00:13:38,166 --> 00:13:39,957
It's called a Cherry Ripe.
136
00:13:54,875 --> 00:13:57,374
Goodbye, letter.
Don't forget to write.
137
00:14:29,750 --> 00:14:32,040
Max hated Thursdays...
138
00:14:32,041 --> 00:14:36,124
the day of his weekly
Overeaters Anonymous meeting.
139
00:14:36,166 --> 00:14:39,665
And tonight he'd felt
especially unsettled
140
00:14:39,666 --> 00:14:44,290
because he'd eaten two chocolate
hotdogs on his way there.
141
00:14:44,291 --> 00:14:45,540
OK, class...
142
00:14:45,541 --> 00:14:49,124
Eating chocolate was breaking the rules.
143
00:14:49,166 --> 00:14:52,124
He'd found the night
even more unbearable
144
00:14:52,125 --> 00:14:55,040
because of Marjorie Butterworth's
strange glances.
145
00:14:55,041 --> 00:14:56,749
Class dismissed.
146
00:14:56,791 --> 00:15:02,540
Max had trouble understanding
non-verbal signals.
147
00:15:02,541 --> 00:15:06,374
Flirting was as foreign to him
as jogging.
148
00:15:11,958 --> 00:15:15,790
Max found most people very confusing.
149
00:15:17,291 --> 00:15:18,749
But little did Max realise
150
00:15:18,750 --> 00:15:23,374
his night was about to become
even more confusing and cryptic.
151
00:15:30,875 --> 00:15:38,749
He read Mary's letter four times
and then did what he normally did
152
00:15:38,791 --> 00:15:42,374
whenever confronted
with something new and stressful.
153
00:15:52,875 --> 00:15:59,499
Max's fragile existence
had once again become unsettled.
154
00:15:59,500 --> 00:16:03,415
And after staring out of the window
for 18 hours
155
00:16:03,416 --> 00:16:05,582
he finally made a decision.
156
00:16:27,500 --> 00:16:30,249
Dear Mary Daisy Dinkle,
157
00:16:30,250 --> 00:16:34,624
thank you for the letter,
which I opened and read at 9.17pm
158
00:16:34,625 --> 00:16:39,624
after my Overeaters Anonymous class.
159
00:16:39,666 --> 00:16:41,540
I am trying to lose weight
160
00:16:41,541 --> 00:16:44,957
because my psychiatrist,
Dr Bernard Hazelhof,
161
00:16:44,958 --> 00:16:48,624
says a healthy body
equals a healthy mind.
162
00:16:50,750 --> 00:16:54,749
He says my mind is not that healthy.
163
00:16:54,791 --> 00:17:00,290
Your drawing is an interesting
visual portrayal of yourself.
164
00:17:00,291 --> 00:17:03,332
I have never met anyone from Australia.
165
00:17:03,333 --> 00:17:06,415
Firstly, I will answer your question.
166
00:17:09,333 --> 00:17:14,624
Unfortunately, in America,
babies are not found in cola cans.
167
00:17:14,625 --> 00:17:17,457
I asked my mother when I was four
168
00:17:17,458 --> 00:17:22,874
and she said they came from eggs
laid by rabbis.
169
00:17:22,916 --> 00:17:26,415
If you aren't Jewish,
they're laid by Catholic nuns.
170
00:17:26,416 --> 00:17:31,415
If you're an atheist,
they're laid by dirty, lonely prostitutes.
171
00:17:31,416 --> 00:17:35,415
So this is where babies come from
in America.
172
00:17:35,416 --> 00:17:37,832
I share my home with a fish,
173
00:17:37,833 --> 00:17:43,665
some snails, whom I have named
after famous scientists...
174
00:17:43,666 --> 00:17:48,290
...a parakeet called Mr Biscuit
175
00:17:48,333 --> 00:17:51,207
and, finally, a cat called Hal.
176
00:17:51,208 --> 00:17:57,915
'Hal' is an abbreviation for halitosis,
from which he suffers.
177
00:17:57,916 --> 00:18:00,457
He followed me home
after a gang of children
178
00:18:00,458 --> 00:18:02,582
shot his eye out with a beebee gun.
179
00:18:03,833 --> 00:18:06,582
Do you have a pet kangaroo?
180
00:18:06,583 --> 00:18:10,790
When I was born, my father
left my mother and me on a kibbutz.
181
00:18:10,791 --> 00:18:14,207
She shot herself with my uncle's gun
when I was six.
182
00:18:16,208 --> 00:18:18,040
Do you like chocolate hotdogs?
183
00:18:18,083 --> 00:18:23,207
I invented the recipe for them
and can send it to you.
184
00:18:23,208 --> 00:18:29,624
When I was young, I invented
an invisible friend called Mr Ravioli.
185
00:18:29,625 --> 00:18:32,832
My psychiatrist says
I don't need him anymore
186
00:18:32,833 --> 00:18:36,665
so he just sits in the corner and reads.
187
00:18:40,875 --> 00:18:46,832
Last week I picked up
128 cigarette butts.
188
00:18:46,833 --> 00:18:49,957
People are always littering in New York.
189
00:18:49,958 --> 00:18:54,707
I do not understand
why people break laws.
190
00:18:54,708 --> 00:18:57,957
Butts are bad
because they wash out to sea
191
00:18:57,958 --> 00:19:03,290
and fish smoke them
and become nicotine dependent.
192
00:19:03,291 --> 00:19:06,874
I am just joking because, of course,
193
00:19:06,875 --> 00:19:11,915
it is impossible for a cigarette
to remain lit underwater.
194
00:19:11,916 --> 00:19:16,624
Also, fish do not have pockets
to keep cigarette lighters in.
195
00:19:21,583 --> 00:19:23,790
I am 44 years old
196
00:19:23,791 --> 00:19:27,457
and have 8 tracksuits
the same colour and size.
197
00:19:30,791 --> 00:19:33,207
I weigh 352 lb...
198
00:19:35,291 --> 00:19:37,957
...and am as tall as a 6-foot tree.
199
00:19:38,041 --> 00:19:40,540
Welcome to the New York Lottery!
200
00:19:40,541 --> 00:19:42,290
I enjoy entering the lottery
201
00:19:42,333 --> 00:19:46,082
and have chosen the same numbers
for 9 years.
202
00:19:46,083 --> 00:19:49,165
- Those numbers are 3...
- 1.
203
00:19:49,166 --> 00:19:51,249
- 5...
- 4.
204
00:19:51,250 --> 00:19:53,290
- 6...
- 25.
205
00:19:53,291 --> 00:19:54,957
- 9...
- 2.
206
00:19:54,958 --> 00:19:56,499
- 11...
- 7.
207
00:19:56,500 --> 00:19:58,790
- And 12.
- 8.
208
00:20:00,958 --> 00:20:03,165
Are you a winner?
209
00:20:03,166 --> 00:20:04,957
Or a loser?
210
00:20:04,958 --> 00:20:08,290
I have had many different jobs
during my life.
211
00:20:08,291 --> 00:20:14,290
My first job was collecting
subway tokens in the subway.
212
00:20:14,291 --> 00:20:17,790
My second job was at Yiddel's
Gourmet Kosher Supplies
213
00:20:17,791 --> 00:20:22,540
where I worked at the machine
that made pre-packaged noodle kugels.
214
00:20:22,541 --> 00:20:26,290
I was born Jewish
and used to believe in God
215
00:20:26,291 --> 00:20:27,957
but I've since read many books
216
00:20:27,958 --> 00:20:32,540
that have proven God
is just a figment of my imagination.
217
00:20:32,541 --> 00:20:36,457
People like to believe in God because
it answers complicated questions
218
00:20:36,458 --> 00:20:40,040
like where did the universe come from,
219
00:20:40,041 --> 00:20:41,290
do worms go to heaven...
220
00:20:41,291 --> 00:20:42,874
do worms go to heaven...
221
00:20:42,875 --> 00:20:46,040
..and why do old ladies have blue hair?
222
00:20:46,083 --> 00:20:47,957
Even though I'm an atheist,
223
00:20:47,958 --> 00:20:52,499
I still wear my yarmulke
as it keeps my brain warm.
224
00:20:52,500 --> 00:20:58,957
My third job was for a company
that printed logos on novelty items.
225
00:20:58,958 --> 00:21:02,374
I worked at the frisbee printing machine.
226
00:21:02,458 --> 00:21:07,957
A frisbee is a circular plastic disc
that people throw at each other.
227
00:21:07,958 --> 00:21:09,790
It is like a boomerang
228
00:21:10,541 --> 00:21:13,832
but it does not come back.
229
00:21:14,958 --> 00:21:18,874
My fourth job was when
I was called up for jury duty.
230
00:21:18,875 --> 00:21:24,540
I didn't get paid much but
got free cookies and coffee.
231
00:21:24,541 --> 00:21:28,165
Jurors are outstanding members
of the community
232
00:21:28,208 --> 00:21:31,040
who haven't murdered anybody.
233
00:21:31,041 --> 00:21:32,749
I made it to the short list
234
00:21:32,750 --> 00:21:36,290
for a trial where a man
killed all his friends
235
00:21:36,333 --> 00:21:39,415
at his own surprise birthday party.
236
00:21:39,416 --> 00:21:43,249
Unfortunately, I didn't get selected
because they found out
237
00:21:43,250 --> 00:21:45,790
I'd been a mental patient at one point.
238
00:21:47,041 --> 00:21:49,790
Have you ever been hang gliding?
239
00:21:49,791 --> 00:21:53,457
My fifth job was as a garbage collector.
240
00:21:53,458 --> 00:21:58,290
I got to clean up after litterbugs
and didn't have to talk to anybody.
241
00:21:58,291 --> 00:22:02,040
Sometimes I used to pretend
I was an intergalactical robot.
242
00:22:13,500 --> 00:22:16,290
This is 911.
Your call has been placed in a queue.
243
00:22:16,291 --> 00:22:19,457
One time the police took
me in for questioning
244
00:22:19,458 --> 00:22:23,165
but let me go when they decided
I wasn't a threat to anybody
245
00:22:23,166 --> 00:22:25,249
except myself.
246
00:22:27,500 --> 00:22:33,290
The sixth job I had
was for the United States Army
247
00:22:33,291 --> 00:22:36,957
in the stationery supply department.
248
00:22:37,000 --> 00:22:38,957
Because I am good with numbers
249
00:22:38,958 --> 00:22:43,290
I had to work out how many
ballpoint pens the Army needed.
250
00:22:43,291 --> 00:22:45,582
One day they did a security check
251
00:22:45,583 --> 00:22:49,540
and asked whether I was a member
of any radical groups.
252
00:22:49,541 --> 00:22:53,999
I told them I was a member of
the New York Science Fiction Fan Club.
253
00:22:54,000 --> 00:22:59,082
They said this didn't count
but dismissed me anyway.
254
00:22:59,083 --> 00:23:04,540
Fortunately, I did not remember
to tell them I was once a communist.
255
00:23:04,541 --> 00:23:07,040
Have you ever been a communist?
256
00:23:07,875 --> 00:23:12,415
Have you ever been attacked by a crow
or similar large bird?
257
00:23:12,416 --> 00:23:15,290
When I was 9, a crow attacked
me on my way to school.
258
00:23:20,541 --> 00:23:24,040
I had to have three stitches
259
00:23:24,041 --> 00:23:28,374
and in spring I now wear a helmet
with eyes I have painted on.
260
00:23:28,416 --> 00:23:31,332
People laugh at me
when I wear my helmet.
261
00:23:31,333 --> 00:23:33,665
I'm not sure why.
262
00:23:33,666 --> 00:23:38,457
People often confuse me
but I try not to let them worry me.
263
00:23:41,041 --> 00:23:44,457
New York is a very busy
and noisy place.
264
00:23:44,458 --> 00:23:47,040
I would prefer to live
somewhere much quieter
265
00:23:47,041 --> 00:23:49,499
like the moon.
266
00:23:49,541 --> 00:23:55,749
I don't like crowds, bright lights,
sudden noises or strong smells.
267
00:23:55,750 --> 00:23:58,582
New York has all these
268
00:23:58,583 --> 00:24:00,374
especially the smells.
269
00:24:01,666 --> 00:24:05,332
I often wear nose and ear plugs
when I go outside.
270
00:24:05,333 --> 00:24:08,665
It helps keep me calm.
271
00:24:08,666 --> 00:24:14,374
I find humans interesting
but I have trouble understanding them.
272
00:24:14,416 --> 00:24:19,499
I think, however,
I will understand and trust you.
273
00:24:21,000 --> 00:24:25,874
You appear very happy and I think
you would smell like a shrimp
274
00:24:25,875 --> 00:24:29,290
as I know Australia
has a lot of shrimps.
275
00:24:31,333 --> 00:24:33,082
Can you speed-read?
276
00:24:33,125 --> 00:24:36,499
I have taught myself to read
two pages at once...
277
00:24:36,500 --> 00:24:39,790
one eyeball per page.
278
00:24:39,791 --> 00:24:41,124
I have to go now
279
00:24:41,125 --> 00:24:44,207
even though I have not told you
about my 7th job,
280
00:24:44,208 --> 00:24:47,082
in a condom factory.
281
00:24:47,125 --> 00:24:48,832
Write back soon.
282
00:24:48,833 --> 00:24:55,540
Your American friend,
Max Jerry Horowitz.
283
00:24:55,541 --> 00:25:00,499
PS. Please find enclosed a
photo from one of those booths.
284
00:25:00,500 --> 00:25:04,457
PPS. Thank you for the Cherry Ripe
285
00:25:04,458 --> 00:25:07,999
and I am glad you like chocolate
as much as I do.
286
00:25:08,000 --> 00:25:10,957
I have never eaten
sweetened condensed milk
287
00:25:10,958 --> 00:25:14,207
but I will try some this week.
288
00:25:14,208 --> 00:25:18,999
PPPS. I have never used a condom.
289
00:25:19,000 --> 00:25:21,124
Gey gezunterheyt.
290
00:25:23,750 --> 00:25:26,749
Max hoped Mary would write again.
291
00:25:26,750 --> 00:25:29,790
He'd always wanted a friend.
292
00:25:29,791 --> 00:25:36,749
A friend that wasn't invisible,
a pet or rubber figurine.
293
00:25:36,750 --> 00:25:41,749
He counted the stars and wondered
how many days, hours, minutes
294
00:25:41,750 --> 00:25:46,457
it would take his letter
to reach Australia.
295
00:25:51,250 --> 00:25:53,665
Vera was not impressed...
296
00:25:57,750 --> 00:26:01,207
...not impressed at all.
297
00:26:01,208 --> 00:26:07,207
This nutcase would not be
her daughter's penfriend, she thought.
298
00:26:07,250 --> 00:26:10,207
There was enough ugliness in the world.
299
00:26:10,208 --> 00:26:12,957
Mary would be home
from school in an hour...
300
00:26:12,958 --> 00:26:17,915
enough time for another cup of tea and
a bit of cricket to soothe the nerves
301
00:26:17,916 --> 00:26:22,332
and dissolve the memory of Max's letter
from her pickled mind.
302
00:26:22,375 --> 00:26:27,124
Yeah, he's out.
Unbelievable. 14. England 7/150.
303
00:26:58,000 --> 00:27:01,249
Stop! Wait!
304
00:27:01,250 --> 00:27:06,249
Hey, fellas, you got
room for one more bag?
305
00:27:06,250 --> 00:27:09,999
Sure, Mrs Dinkle. Hop in!
306
00:27:10,000 --> 00:27:12,124
Good one.
Kevin!
307
00:27:19,458 --> 00:27:22,707
Come on, Vera.
We've got some other bags to pick up!
308
00:27:37,958 --> 00:27:40,374
Mary, is that all the rubbish?
309
00:27:40,375 --> 00:27:42,374
Yep!
310
00:27:42,375 --> 00:27:45,040
See ya, Toots!
311
00:27:45,041 --> 00:27:47,457
Sweet baby Jesus.
312
00:28:01,625 --> 00:28:06,749
Even though Max's letter smelt
like fish heads and orange peel,
313
00:28:06,833 --> 00:28:10,957
Mary drank his words
like a bowl of alphabet soup
314
00:28:10,958 --> 00:28:13,249
and hadn't been this excited
315
00:28:13,250 --> 00:28:18,707
since Grandpoppy Ralph
had found a coin up her nose.
316
00:28:18,750 --> 00:28:20,374
She wrote back immediately
317
00:28:20,375 --> 00:28:24,957
on some butchers' paper
she'd stolen from some chops.
318
00:28:24,958 --> 00:28:29,082
Dear Max,
I'm so excited you've wroted back.
319
00:28:29,083 --> 00:28:33,124
I don't think my parents like you
so from now on
320
00:28:33,125 --> 00:28:36,415
send stuff to my neighbour Len Hislop
321
00:28:36,416 --> 00:28:41,582
at 26 Lamington Drive, Mt Waverley.
322
00:28:41,666 --> 00:28:44,582
He's old with no legs.
323
00:28:44,583 --> 00:28:47,374
They got chew'd'ed off in World War ll
324
00:28:47,375 --> 00:28:51,332
when some Japanese peoples
kept him in a cage above piranhas.
325
00:28:53,333 --> 00:28:56,749
Piranhas are goldfish that have teeth.
326
00:28:58,458 --> 00:29:03,832
He's scared of outside,
which is a disease called homophobia.
327
00:29:06,250 --> 00:29:09,874
He's started giving me 50 cents a week
to get his mail.
328
00:29:11,041 --> 00:29:17,957
I'm saving to buy a castle in Scotland
and marry a man called Earl Grey.
329
00:29:17,958 --> 00:29:20,499
Do you get 'The Noblets' in America?
330
00:29:20,500 --> 00:29:24,499
Well, my favourite Noblet
is Vanity Noblet.
331
00:29:24,500 --> 00:29:30,374
He wants to be everyone's friend,
even the boys'!
332
00:29:30,375 --> 00:29:34,040
In your letter, you said
you had no friends.
333
00:29:34,083 --> 00:29:36,415
Well, neither do I.
334
00:29:39,208 --> 00:29:43,207
Yesterday at school, Bernie Clifford
weed on my spam sandwich
335
00:29:43,291 --> 00:29:47,457
and called me 'poo face'
'cos of my birthmark.
336
00:29:47,458 --> 00:29:50,624
I wish I could peel it off like a band-aid.
337
00:29:50,625 --> 00:29:53,957
He also laughed 'cos I had no buttons.
338
00:29:53,958 --> 00:29:56,124
Ethel pecked them off
339
00:29:56,125 --> 00:30:00,707
and Mum couldn't thread a needle
'cos she'd been testing the sherry
340
00:30:00,708 --> 00:30:02,207
so she used pegs instead.
341
00:30:05,500 --> 00:30:12,082
When I got home, I climbed into
my secret place till dinner time.
342
00:30:12,125 --> 00:30:14,957
The other kids also laugh at my haircut.
343
00:30:14,958 --> 00:30:17,749
Dad has to cut my hair because mum says
344
00:30:17,750 --> 00:30:20,874
real hairdressers
sell your hair to Chinamen
345
00:30:20,875 --> 00:30:22,457
who stuff mattresses.
346
00:30:24,958 --> 00:30:28,957
My teacher, Mrs Pendergast,
says I should smile more.
347
00:30:28,958 --> 00:30:33,957
I told my mum
and so she drawed a big smile on me.
348
00:30:36,958 --> 00:30:39,957
I don't think Mrs Pendergast
likes me anymore.
349
00:30:45,500 --> 00:30:50,332
I better go now.
My tears are smudgling my words.
350
00:30:50,333 --> 00:30:55,957
Your friend in Australia,
Mary Daisy Dinkle.
351
00:30:55,958 --> 00:31:03,207
PS. Have you ever been teased?
Can you help me?
352
00:31:03,208 --> 00:31:09,749
PSS. I've never been hang gliding
before or been a 'commune-ist'
353
00:31:09,750 --> 00:31:14,957
but would love a frisbee
and your recipe for chocolate hotdogs.
354
00:31:14,958 --> 00:31:22,124
PSSS. I'm sending you some
Australian chocolate, a pompom I made
355
00:31:22,125 --> 00:31:26,707
and a cake called a lamington,
which I was meant to eat for lunch.
356
00:31:52,333 --> 00:31:54,332
Have you ever been teased?
357
00:31:58,666 --> 00:32:00,665
Mary's letter triggered memories
358
00:32:00,666 --> 00:32:04,374
Max had buried deep down in his shoes.
359
00:32:04,375 --> 00:32:08,790
We've got him cornered now.
Hey. Jew-boy, you're gonna pay...
360
00:32:09,458 --> 00:32:14,290
Take this, Jew-boy, Jew-boy, Jew-boy.
361
00:32:16,958 --> 00:32:21,207
And as usual,
he coped in the only way he knew.
362
00:32:31,208 --> 00:32:33,790
And 36 chocolate hotdogs later...
363
00:32:35,500 --> 00:32:39,040
..and after only two hours sleep,
364
00:32:39,083 --> 00:32:46,332
Max's meltdown faded away
and an idea popped into his brain.
365
00:32:48,416 --> 00:32:51,415
Dear Mary Daisy Dinkle,
366
00:32:51,416 --> 00:32:57,374
thank you for your letter, chocolate bar,
lamington and pompom.
367
00:32:57,416 --> 00:33:01,790
The chocolate got crushed, so I blended
the bits with milk and ice cream
368
00:33:01,833 --> 00:33:04,499
and now I am drinking it right now.
369
00:33:07,541 --> 00:33:11,915
After much thought, I think
I have a solution to your teasing.
370
00:33:11,916 --> 00:33:14,082
Tell Bernie Clifford your
birthmark is made of chocolate,
371
00:33:16,916 --> 00:33:19,040
which means when you get to heaven
372
00:33:19,041 --> 00:33:22,707
you will be in charge
of all the chocolate.
373
00:33:22,708 --> 00:33:26,499
This of course is a lie -
I do not like lies...
374
00:33:26,500 --> 00:33:30,415
but in this case
I think it will be of benefit.
375
00:33:30,458 --> 00:33:34,374
I wish I could be in charge
of all the chocolate
376
00:33:34,375 --> 00:33:39,082
but, of course, I cannot
because of my atheism.
377
00:33:41,166 --> 00:33:43,915
My neighbour Ivy is also an atheist.
378
00:33:43,958 --> 00:33:50,415
She doesn't talk much but makes me
very good soup on Sunday nights.
379
00:33:50,416 --> 00:33:52,457
She is partly blind
380
00:33:52,458 --> 00:33:57,165
and sometimes I find her hair
in my soup. Eeugh!
381
00:33:57,166 --> 00:34:04,665
I do not tell her as Dr Bernard Hazelhof
says this would be impolite.
382
00:34:04,666 --> 00:34:08,332
Here is a list of what I eat
on the other nights.
383
00:34:08,333 --> 00:34:10,707
Mondays - Glicks Potato Knish,
384
00:34:10,708 --> 00:34:13,832
Tuesdays - Yiddels Noodle Kugel,
385
00:34:13,833 --> 00:34:17,207
Wednesdays -
Captain Salty's Fishstix,
386
00:34:17,208 --> 00:34:19,957
Thursdays - Yentls Cheezy Blintz
387
00:34:19,958 --> 00:34:23,415
and Fridays - chicken nuggets.
388
00:34:23,458 --> 00:34:26,999
On Saturday nights
I create my own recipes.
389
00:34:27,000 --> 00:34:31,540
Last week I invented
canned spaghetti hamburgers.
390
00:34:31,541 --> 00:34:34,957
Recipes are like
mathematical equations.
391
00:34:34,958 --> 00:34:41,915
Dr Bernard Hazelhof told me you should
never weigh more than your refrigerator
392
00:34:41,916 --> 00:34:46,832
and to never eat
anything bigger than your head.
393
00:34:46,833 --> 00:34:50,790
I once ate a watermelon
bigger than my head
394
00:34:50,875 --> 00:34:53,832
but not all at once.
395
00:34:53,875 --> 00:34:57,707
Do you have
any weight loss suggestions?
396
00:34:57,708 --> 00:35:00,832
My Overeaters Anonymous meetings
don't seem to be working
397
00:35:00,833 --> 00:35:03,957
and just make me tense.
398
00:35:10,458 --> 00:35:13,790
It would be good if
there was a 'Fat Fairy'.
399
00:35:15,583 --> 00:35:20,249
She would be a bit like the Tooth
Fairy but would suck out your fat.
400
00:35:25,166 --> 00:35:30,999
Ivy says she is only a 'little bit' blind
but I think she is very blind.
401
00:35:31,000 --> 00:35:34,874
She should get a cane
like other vision-impaired people.
402
00:35:35,791 --> 00:35:38,374
She could make the end pointy
403
00:35:38,375 --> 00:35:40,915
and collect rubbish at the same time.
404
00:35:42,291 --> 00:35:46,207
I think I will write a letter to the Mayor
and suggest this.
405
00:35:46,208 --> 00:35:49,915
He will be very impressed.
406
00:35:49,916 --> 00:35:55,249
Ivy says she doesn't need a cane
because she has a good sense of smell.
407
00:35:57,125 --> 00:36:02,415
She says she could find me
with her eyes stapled shut.
408
00:36:02,416 --> 00:36:06,915
She says I smell like
liquorice and old books.
409
00:36:10,875 --> 00:36:16,374
I think she smells like cough medicine
and urine.
410
00:36:16,375 --> 00:36:18,332
I have never told her this
411
00:36:18,333 --> 00:36:23,832
as Dr Bernard Hazelhof said
this would also be impolite.
412
00:36:27,958 --> 00:36:30,499
People often think
I am tactless and rude.
413
00:36:33,833 --> 00:36:40,165
I cannot understand
how being honest can be... improper.
414
00:36:40,208 --> 00:36:45,957
Maybe this is why
I don't have any friends
415
00:36:45,958 --> 00:36:47,832
of course except for you.
416
00:36:48,916 --> 00:36:52,207
A real friend has been
one of my three goals in life.
417
00:36:54,208 --> 00:37:00,624
The other two are to own every Noblet
and a lifetime supply of chocolate.
418
00:37:02,708 --> 00:37:07,207
Dr Bernard Hazelhof says
it is good to have goals
419
00:37:07,208 --> 00:37:12,332
but not stupid ones like mine.
420
00:37:12,333 --> 00:37:14,707
I have now run out of things to tell you.
421
00:37:17,791 --> 00:37:19,915
Please, write soon.
422
00:37:19,916 --> 00:37:25,957
Your friend in America,
Max Jerry Horowitz.
423
00:37:25,958 --> 00:37:30,374
PS. Do not worry about not smiling.
424
00:37:30,375 --> 00:37:32,957
My mouth hardly ever smiles
425
00:37:32,958 --> 00:37:37,749
but it does not mean
I am not smiling inside my brain.
426
00:37:39,750 --> 00:37:44,165
PPS. Please find enclosed a frisbee,
427
00:37:44,166 --> 00:37:47,499
some Chocolate Pop Rocks,
which you should eat with cola,
428
00:37:47,500 --> 00:37:53,540
and an illustration of a turtle
from one of my National Geographics.
429
00:37:53,583 --> 00:37:59,124
PPPS. Did you know that turtles
can breathe through their anuses?
430
00:38:03,458 --> 00:38:05,332
Dear Max,
431
00:38:05,333 --> 00:38:07,374
when I told Bernie Clifford
432
00:38:07,375 --> 00:38:11,290
I'll be in charge of all the chocolate
in heaven and he wouldn't get any,
433
00:38:11,291 --> 00:38:12,749
he cried.
434
00:38:14,416 --> 00:38:19,957
I also hide'd some dog's poo
in his bit of the sandpit.
435
00:38:19,958 --> 00:38:24,249
Your advice was great
and I've got a job delivering pamphlets
436
00:38:24,333 --> 00:38:27,540
so I can save to come and see you.
437
00:38:27,541 --> 00:38:29,665
I am sad to hear you are fat.
438
00:38:29,666 --> 00:38:34,082
Mum says I am fat too and
I'm growing up to be a heifer,
439
00:38:34,083 --> 00:38:37,957
which I think is a type of cow.
440
00:38:37,958 --> 00:38:42,415
Maybe you should only eat things
beginning with the letter of each day.
441
00:38:42,458 --> 00:38:44,957
On Mondays you could only eat
442
00:38:44,958 --> 00:38:50,707
milkshakes, marshmallows and... mustard.
443
00:38:55,958 --> 00:39:00,624
For my birthday, my Mum baked a
cake, and Dad gave me a camera.
444
00:39:02,291 --> 00:39:05,249
I hope you like the photos I sent.
445
00:39:05,250 --> 00:39:08,707
The first one is of Ethel,
who ate some tinsel.
446
00:39:08,708 --> 00:39:11,332
The next one is one of myself
447
00:39:11,333 --> 00:39:16,499
after I ate the Chocolate Pop Rocks
with the cola, like you said.
448
00:39:16,500 --> 00:39:18,540
Next is Len.
449
00:39:18,541 --> 00:39:25,040
He's still trying hard not to be afraid
of outside and conquer his homophobia.
450
00:39:28,500 --> 00:39:32,207
The next one is of dad in his shed,
451
00:39:32,208 --> 00:39:35,499
and then one of the times I covered mum
452
00:39:35,500 --> 00:39:39,624
while she was asleep in her stickers
that help her stop smoking.
453
00:39:39,625 --> 00:39:43,999
Next, when I got my slinky
caught in my hair.
454
00:39:44,000 --> 00:39:48,957
Then one of the times
Sonny digged up his wife, Cher.
455
00:39:48,958 --> 00:39:55,749
And, finally, a photo of my other neighbour
Damian Popodopolous.
456
00:39:55,791 --> 00:39:59,957
He's a Greek and smells like
lemon dish-washing liquid
457
00:39:59,958 --> 00:40:05,374
and his skin is smooth,
like the back of a spoon.
458
00:40:05,375 --> 00:40:11,582
Mum says he's a wog and has a stutter
and can't even say his own surname.
459
00:40:13,333 --> 00:40:16,874
She says you have to hit him
on the back of the head
460
00:40:16,875 --> 00:40:18,249
to get his words out.
461
00:40:18,291 --> 00:40:20,207
Popodopolous.
462
00:40:20,250 --> 00:40:24,582
I wish he was my boyfriend
and we can be in love and do sexing
463
00:40:24,583 --> 00:40:27,457
like Katherine Ramsay told me
behind the bike shed.
464
00:40:27,958 --> 00:40:30,749
She said it's when two people go 'nuddy'
465
00:40:30,750 --> 00:40:33,332
and rub on each other to make babies.
466
00:40:34,333 --> 00:40:39,082
I told her she's a liar
and would go to hell and burn like toast
467
00:40:39,083 --> 00:40:41,957
'cos babies really come
from beer glasses
468
00:40:41,958 --> 00:40:46,332
and eggs laid by rabbits
and nuns and 'prosti-tubes'.
469
00:40:46,375 --> 00:40:48,415
She said ladies get knocked up
470
00:40:48,416 --> 00:40:51,582
and bake babies in their stomachs
for 2 years
471
00:40:51,583 --> 00:40:55,374
till they spurt out their 'vag-eye-ners'
with blood and tinned spaghetti.
472
00:40:56,583 --> 00:40:59,832
Have you got a girlfriend, Max,
or some wives?
473
00:40:59,833 --> 00:41:02,332
Have you done sexing?
474
00:41:02,333 --> 00:41:03,749
Valentine's Day is soon
475
00:41:03,750 --> 00:41:08,874
and I want to give Damian a present
so he can love me.
476
00:41:08,958 --> 00:41:12,040
Can you explain love
and how I can be 'lover'd'?
477
00:41:14,333 --> 00:41:17,957
Once again, Mary's letter
had triggered an anxiety attack.
478
00:41:19,416 --> 00:41:21,582
Max knew nothing about love.
479
00:41:21,583 --> 00:41:25,540
It was as foreign to him as scuba diving
480
00:41:25,541 --> 00:41:29,665
and he'd had an appalling history
of getting it all wrong.
481
00:41:30,541 --> 00:41:32,165
One Valentine's Day
482
00:41:32,166 --> 00:41:37,457
he'd given Zelda Glutnik a gift
he was sure was appropriate.
483
00:41:43,250 --> 00:41:47,165
The only companion
that had ever warmed Max's bed
484
00:41:47,208 --> 00:41:49,332
was his hot water bottle.
485
00:41:50,958 --> 00:41:52,082
Romance and love
486
00:41:52,083 --> 00:41:55,374
was a mysterious language
he'd given up on.
487
00:41:56,083 --> 00:41:59,290
If only Mary had asked
how a toaster works
488
00:41:59,291 --> 00:42:02,832
or asked for an explanation
of the Chaos theory.
489
00:42:02,875 --> 00:42:07,374
If only there was
a mathematical equation for love.
490
00:42:08,958 --> 00:42:12,790
He kept eating and thinking.
491
00:42:27,750 --> 00:42:33,790
But love was not like Max's Rubik's Cube.
It could not be solved.
492
00:42:33,791 --> 00:42:37,374
No matter how he analysed it,
the results were negative.
493
00:42:37,791 --> 00:42:39,624
Beat it, creep!
494
00:42:39,666 --> 00:42:43,040
He felt love but couldn't articulate it.
495
00:42:43,041 --> 00:42:47,457
Its logic was as foreign to him as...
as a salad sandwich.
496
00:42:49,708 --> 00:42:51,957
The stars made more sense.
497
00:42:59,125 --> 00:43:02,374
12, have you responded
to the call? Over.
498
00:43:02,375 --> 00:43:05,790
The anxiety and stress were too much.
499
00:43:05,791 --> 00:43:11,915
The inscrutability of love finally won,
and Max's brain gave in.
500
00:43:21,083 --> 00:43:24,624
He was diagnosed
with severe depression and obesity
501
00:43:24,625 --> 00:43:30,165
and spent the next 8 months
institutionalised and bedridden.
502
00:43:30,291 --> 00:43:33,540
They marinated him
in a cocktail of drugs
503
00:43:33,541 --> 00:43:37,249
and performed
the usual 'therapeutic' procedures.
504
00:43:42,666 --> 00:43:46,249
Meanwhile, Mary wondered and waited.
505
00:43:48,000 --> 00:43:51,124
Maybe Max's typewriter
had run out of ink.
506
00:43:51,416 --> 00:43:54,999
Maybe America had run out of ink.
507
00:43:55,583 --> 00:43:57,999
Maybe his pets had eaten him.
508
00:43:59,250 --> 00:44:01,665
Maybe it was her.
509
00:44:01,708 --> 00:44:06,290
Was she too demanding,
too boring, too... ugly?
510
00:44:14,416 --> 00:44:18,415
Filled with anger, confusion
and self-loathing,
511
00:44:18,458 --> 00:44:23,332
Mary tried to erase
the memory of her friend forever.
512
00:45:12,666 --> 00:45:13,957
Max had recovered.
513
00:45:13,958 --> 00:45:18,874
And life was balanced, safe
and symmetrical once again.
514
00:45:21,625 --> 00:45:26,124
But Mary still lingered in his mind.
515
00:45:26,166 --> 00:45:28,957
Half of him wanted to write to her immediately.
516
00:45:28,958 --> 00:45:33,457
The other half didn't want to end up
a mental patient again.
517
00:45:33,458 --> 00:45:38,540
At least there was always Mr Ravioli
to be friends with.
518
00:45:38,541 --> 00:45:41,582
He was a much safer option.
519
00:45:42,583 --> 00:45:46,540
He wondered what Mary was doing
right now.
520
00:45:47,458 --> 00:45:50,207
But she was far from content
521
00:45:50,208 --> 00:45:56,332
and struggled on by herself,
saving her money for a rainy day.
522
00:46:03,833 --> 00:46:06,040
Life went on as usual for Max
523
00:46:06,041 --> 00:46:09,957
and even though he opted
for order and stability,
524
00:46:09,958 --> 00:46:13,415
misfortune was never far away.
525
00:46:42,708 --> 00:46:46,707
Luckily, his manslaughter charges
were dismissed
526
00:46:46,708 --> 00:46:49,665
because he was labelled
mentally deficient
527
00:46:49,666 --> 00:46:53,874
and unlikely to have a motive
for killing a mime artist...
528
00:46:55,083 --> 00:46:56,707
...unlike most people.
529
00:46:58,500 --> 00:47:02,082
From then on, Max
cooled himself differently
530
00:47:02,083 --> 00:47:04,624
and things went back to normal
531
00:47:04,625 --> 00:47:10,582
until after his 48th birthday,
when his numbers finally came up.
532
00:47:10,583 --> 00:47:12,957
Welcome to the New York Lottery
533
00:47:12,958 --> 00:47:15,165
and these are tonight's
winning numbers...
534
00:47:15,166 --> 00:47:18,457
3, 5,
535
00:47:18,458 --> 00:47:20,058
6, 9,
536
00:47:24,458 --> 00:47:30,457
11 and 12!
537
00:48:12,083 --> 00:48:14,040
Max was sensible with his sudden wealth
538
00:48:14,041 --> 00:48:17,332
and had bought a lifetime supply
of chocolate
539
00:48:17,333 --> 00:48:20,415
and the complete Noblet collection.
540
00:48:24,625 --> 00:48:28,082
Two of his life goals had come true.
541
00:48:28,125 --> 00:48:31,082
But he still had a lot of money
542
00:48:31,083 --> 00:48:33,540
so decided to give it to Ivy...
543
00:48:34,916 --> 00:48:38,124
...who was also very sensible...
544
00:49:11,791 --> 00:49:15,874
...until her own numbers came up.
545
00:49:24,375 --> 00:49:28,374
Ivy willed everything
to the local cat shelter,
546
00:49:28,375 --> 00:49:33,540
whose owner relocated
her kind donation to his bank account,
547
00:49:33,541 --> 00:49:39,999
his wife's new breasts, a Ferrari
and enough fuel to get to Mexico.
548
00:49:47,875 --> 00:49:51,874
Despite achieving all his life's goals,
549
00:49:51,875 --> 00:49:56,332
Max still felt incomplete.
550
00:49:56,333 --> 00:49:59,915
Mr Ravioli just wasn't
cutting the mustard anymore
551
00:49:59,916 --> 00:50:05,082
and seemed more interested
in his self-help books.
552
00:50:05,166 --> 00:50:08,582
Mary had given Max
a taste of real friendship
553
00:50:08,583 --> 00:50:12,082
and there was just no comparison.
554
00:50:12,750 --> 00:50:14,915
She missed him too
555
00:50:14,916 --> 00:50:17,874
but no longer saved to see him.
556
00:50:19,000 --> 00:50:22,957
She now saved for a different reason.
557
00:50:32,875 --> 00:50:38,540
One day Mr Ravioli got up,
left and never came back.
558
00:50:42,500 --> 00:50:45,957
Max sought Dr Hazelhof's advice.
559
00:50:47,416 --> 00:50:52,499
He told Max that true friendship
is seen through the heart,
560
00:50:52,500 --> 00:50:54,499
not through the eyes,
561
00:50:54,500 --> 00:51:02,499
and that it was time he wrote to Mary
to reveal his true self, warts and all.
562
00:51:02,541 --> 00:51:05,540
Max understood.
563
00:51:22,958 --> 00:51:25,790
Dear Mary Daisy Dinkle,
564
00:51:25,791 --> 00:51:28,415
there is something I have to tell you
565
00:51:28,458 --> 00:51:32,374
which will explain
why I have not written.
566
00:51:32,375 --> 00:51:38,957
Each time I received one of your letters,
I had a severe anxiety attack.
567
00:51:38,958 --> 00:51:43,624
This is because recently,
while I was in a mental institution,
568
00:51:43,625 --> 00:51:50,540
they diagnosed that I have a new thing
called Asperger's syndrome,
569
00:51:50,541 --> 00:51:57,915
which is a neurobiological,
pervasive, developmental disability.
570
00:51:57,916 --> 00:52:01,624
I prefer 'Aspie' for short.
571
00:52:01,625 --> 00:52:05,582
I will now list some of the traits
of an Aspie.
572
00:52:08,083 --> 00:52:13,040
No.1 - I find the world
very confusing and chaotic
573
00:52:13,041 --> 00:52:18,415
because my mind
is very literal and logical.
574
00:52:21,708 --> 00:52:28,124
2 - I have trouble understanding
the expressions on people's faces.
575
00:52:28,166 --> 00:52:36,582
When I was younger, I made a book
to help me when I was confused.
576
00:52:39,375 --> 00:52:42,915
I still have trouble with some people.
577
00:52:42,958 --> 00:52:46,249
Ivy was hard to understand
because of her wrinkles
578
00:52:46,250 --> 00:52:49,874
and because her eyebrows weren't real.
579
00:52:51,041 --> 00:52:53,540
3 - I have bad handwriting,
580
00:52:53,541 --> 00:52:56,540
am hypersensitive...
581
00:52:56,541 --> 00:52:59,249
...clumsy
582
00:52:59,291 --> 00:53:02,832
and can get very concerned.
583
00:53:06,333 --> 00:53:14,124
4 - I like solving problems.
Ivy said this is a good thing.
584
00:53:16,708 --> 00:53:21,999
And finally No.5 -
I have trouble expressing my emotions.
585
00:53:22,000 --> 00:53:27,249
Dr Bernard Hazelhof says
my brain is defective
586
00:53:27,250 --> 00:53:32,957
but one day there will be a cure
for my disability.
587
00:53:32,958 --> 00:53:35,457
I do not like it when he says this.
588
00:53:35,458 --> 00:53:40,540
I do not feel disabled, defective
or I need to be cured.
589
00:53:40,541 --> 00:53:43,582
I like being an Aspie.
590
00:53:43,666 --> 00:53:47,957
It would be like trying to change
the colour of my eyes.
591
00:53:49,708 --> 00:53:53,832
There is one thing
I wish I could change, however.
592
00:53:55,541 --> 00:53:58,165
I wish I could cry properly.
593
00:54:00,666 --> 00:54:06,040
I squeeze and squeeze
but nothing... comes out.
594
00:54:06,041 --> 00:54:09,540
I cry when I cut onions
but this does not count.
595
00:54:09,541 --> 00:54:12,457
Anyway, do you like the word 'cumquat'?
596
00:54:12,458 --> 00:54:14,582
It is a type of fruit.
597
00:54:14,583 --> 00:54:17,457
Do you have
a favourite-sounding word?
598
00:54:17,500 --> 00:54:21,415
My top 5 are ointment, bumblebee,
599
00:54:21,416 --> 00:54:24,790
Vladivostok, banana
600
00:54:24,791 --> 00:54:26,790
and testicle.
601
00:54:28,541 --> 00:54:32,665
I have also invented some new words...
602
00:54:32,708 --> 00:54:40,165
'confuzzled', which is being confused
and puzzled at the same time,
603
00:54:40,208 --> 00:54:45,040
'snirt', which is a cross between
snow and dirt,
604
00:54:45,041 --> 00:54:47,540
and 'smushables'...
605
00:54:47,541 --> 00:54:53,165
...which are squashed groceries
you find at the bottom of the bag.
606
00:54:53,208 --> 00:54:57,207
I have sent a letter
to the Oxford Dictionary people
607
00:54:57,208 --> 00:55:00,665
asking them to include my words
608
00:55:00,666 --> 00:55:03,999
but I have not heard back.
609
00:55:04,000 --> 00:55:08,499
It is now time for me to go
to my Overeaters Anonymous meeting.
610
00:55:08,500 --> 00:55:12,082
There is a woman there
called Marjorie Buttersworth
611
00:55:12,083 --> 00:55:14,582
who confuzzles me.
612
00:55:14,625 --> 00:55:18,665
She kisses me without my permission
613
00:55:18,666 --> 00:55:25,582
so tonight I have decided to rub onions
under my armpits to repel her.
614
00:55:25,666 --> 00:55:30,707
Your friend in America,
Max Jerry Horowitz.
615
00:55:35,166 --> 00:55:37,624
PS. Please find enclosed
616
00:55:37,625 --> 00:55:41,582
some chocolate-covered ants
I found at the deli.
617
00:55:42,791 --> 00:55:46,957
PPS. Not much has happened
since I last wrote
618
00:55:46,958 --> 00:55:53,582
except for my manslaughter charges,
lotto win and Ivy's death.
619
00:55:56,958 --> 00:56:00,374
Mary was thrilled
Max had finally written
620
00:56:00,375 --> 00:56:03,165
and suddenly had a fabulous idea.
621
00:56:38,875 --> 00:56:42,832
Mary and Max's friendship
was resuscitated
622
00:56:42,875 --> 00:56:48,082
and her tears were the best gift
he'd ever received.
623
00:56:48,083 --> 00:56:52,457
Inside Max's head
his brain was smiling.
624
00:56:54,000 --> 00:56:56,624
Loaded up with bizarre forms
of chocolate,
625
00:56:56,625 --> 00:57:01,165
their letters flew thick and fast
between the continents.
626
00:57:01,166 --> 00:57:04,582
Max learnt to read Mary's letters
with caution
627
00:57:04,583 --> 00:57:08,707
and at the slightest tingle of tension,
he would stop,
628
00:57:08,750 --> 00:57:12,582
take his medication
and soothe his nerves.
629
00:57:12,625 --> 00:57:18,624
Each letter he would iron, laminate
and file in a special place,
630
00:57:18,625 --> 00:57:21,874
which also soothed his nerves.
631
00:57:26,208 --> 00:57:30,790
He enjoyed answering her questions
and solving her puzzles like...
632
00:57:30,875 --> 00:57:33,749
Do sheep shrink when it rains?
633
00:57:33,750 --> 00:57:37,832
Why do old men
wear their pants so high?
634
00:57:37,833 --> 00:57:43,165
Do gooses get goosebumps
and why is bellybutton lint blue?
635
00:57:43,166 --> 00:57:44,915
Are there Noblets in heaven?
636
00:57:44,916 --> 00:57:49,707
And if a taxi goes backwards,
does the driver owe you money?
637
00:57:49,708 --> 00:57:55,707
In turn, Mary simply enjoyed
hearing about Max's fascinating life...
638
00:57:55,708 --> 00:57:58,207
how many people
he'd counted littering...
639
00:58:03,625 --> 00:58:05,957
...how the latest Henry had died...
640
00:58:15,500 --> 00:58:18,832
...and new recipes he'd invented
for chicken.
641
00:58:22,375 --> 00:58:24,457
Each nourished the other
642
00:58:24,458 --> 00:58:27,374
and, as Mary grew taller,
643
00:58:27,375 --> 00:58:29,415
Max grew wider...
644
00:58:29,416 --> 00:58:35,249
their friendship becoming stronger
than the glue on Mary's Noblets.
645
00:58:39,500 --> 00:58:42,457
Although Max found solace in Mary,
646
00:58:42,458 --> 00:58:45,874
he still found the rest
of the world bewildering.
647
00:58:45,875 --> 00:58:47,707
And he couldn't understand
648
00:58:47,708 --> 00:58:50,790
why he was seen as the odd one
649
00:58:50,791 --> 00:58:53,832
while everyone else
was considered normal.
650
00:58:55,666 --> 00:58:59,249
Humans were endlessly illogical.
651
00:58:59,250 --> 00:59:04,665
Why did they throw out food when
there were children starving in India?
652
00:59:04,666 --> 00:59:09,499
Why did they clear the rain-forests
when they needed the oxygen?
653
00:59:09,500 --> 00:59:16,332
And why did they create bus timetables
when they never ran on time?
654
00:59:16,333 --> 00:59:23,124
He agreed with his favourite physicist
that there are only two things infinite...
655
00:59:23,166 --> 00:59:27,207
the universe and man's stupidity.
656
00:59:28,791 --> 00:59:34,665
And for Mary, even though
Max filled her with confidence...
657
00:59:34,666 --> 00:59:35,665
Bullseye!
658
00:59:35,666 --> 00:59:39,290
...her world was far from perfect.
659
00:59:39,291 --> 00:59:42,915
The grip of love had her by the throat.
660
01:00:03,458 --> 01:00:08,999
At 4.59pm, on the 8th of the 8th, 1988...
661
01:00:11,041 --> 01:00:15,832
...Noel Norman Dinkle
attached his last string
662
01:00:15,833 --> 01:00:22,165
and, after 40 years
and 40 million tea bags, he retired.
663
01:00:22,166 --> 01:00:27,332
To celebrate, Noel announced
he was retiring from taxidermy
664
01:00:27,333 --> 01:00:31,165
and taking up metal detecting instead.
665
01:00:31,166 --> 01:00:34,957
But, sadly, it was not a hobby
he had for long.
666
01:01:12,208 --> 01:01:15,749
In his will, Noel had left Mary
some money
667
01:01:15,750 --> 01:01:20,832
so she decided to go to university
and study disorders of the mind,
668
01:01:20,875 --> 01:01:24,832
yearning to learn more about her friend.
669
01:01:24,833 --> 01:01:30,957
Mary was as popular at
university as she was at school.
670
01:01:30,958 --> 01:01:34,415
Damian went there too,
aching to be a Thespian.
671
01:01:34,416 --> 01:01:37,415
Hi there, Mary.
672
01:01:37,416 --> 01:01:41,165
Hi... hello!
673
01:01:50,500 --> 01:01:53,332
That was damn funny!
674
01:02:24,250 --> 01:02:30,082
Hey, Damian, your mum's roses look fab!
675
01:02:30,083 --> 01:02:32,665
Thanks, Mary.
676
01:02:32,666 --> 01:02:35,207
Mary, can I tell you something?
677
01:02:35,208 --> 01:02:37,124
Sure, babe!
678
01:02:37,125 --> 01:02:42,374
You've got dog's poo on your shoe.
679
01:02:54,541 --> 01:02:56,540
Dear Max,
680
01:02:56,541 --> 01:02:58,540
I have been such an idiot.
681
01:02:58,541 --> 01:03:01,040
I've wasted all my money
on something pointless
682
01:03:01,041 --> 01:03:03,040
when I should have been saving
to see you.
683
01:03:04,958 --> 01:03:08,165
I know love upsets you
so I won't go on about it.
684
01:03:08,166 --> 01:03:12,707
All I want to say is that love
is obviously not for me.
685
01:03:12,708 --> 01:03:17,124
I hope you are well and enjoy
the chocolate cigarettes I've enclosed.
686
01:03:17,125 --> 01:03:18,582
Love Mary.
687
01:03:33,250 --> 01:03:35,957
You should be ashamed!
688
01:03:35,958 --> 01:03:38,374
- Come on, baby. Let's go.
- Mum...
689
01:03:38,416 --> 01:03:41,665
I told you never to talk to strangers.
690
01:03:50,541 --> 01:03:55,915
Noel's sudden death
had filled Vera with remorse and guilt
691
01:03:55,916 --> 01:04:00,457
and she coped in the only way she knew.
692
01:05:36,291 --> 01:05:37,957
Dear Max,
693
01:05:37,958 --> 01:05:41,582
our wedding day was everything
I have ever dreamt,
694
01:05:41,583 --> 01:05:44,624
making up for the terrible year I've had.
695
01:05:46,875 --> 01:05:49,707
Although all the guests
were Damian's family and friends,
696
01:05:49,708 --> 01:05:51,832
I felt very welcome.
697
01:05:55,458 --> 01:06:00,207
Damian is so perfect.
He even made my wedding dress.
698
01:06:00,208 --> 01:06:01,582
And for our honeymoon
699
01:06:01,583 --> 01:06:05,082
he took me to Mykonos -
his favourite island in Greece.
700
01:06:05,166 --> 01:06:06,915
I got to ride a donkey
701
01:06:06,916 --> 01:06:10,582
and found the perfect gift for Len.
702
01:06:10,583 --> 01:06:14,707
Poor Len, he's still struggling
with his agoraphobia.
703
01:06:22,791 --> 01:06:25,582
Damian and I are so similar.
704
01:06:25,583 --> 01:06:29,832
He even has his own penfriend,
who lives on a sheep farm in New Zealand.
705
01:06:33,583 --> 01:06:35,624
Mary... Mary.
706
01:06:35,625 --> 01:06:38,582
Mary... Mary.
707
01:06:41,375 --> 01:06:45,874
Mary was bursting with self-esteem
708
01:06:45,875 --> 01:06:48,874
and her confidence
was almost unbearable.
709
01:06:50,875 --> 01:06:53,582
At university, she shone
710
01:06:53,583 --> 01:06:58,957
and took it upon herself to
cure the world of mental illness.
711
01:07:05,375 --> 01:07:08,915
She did her thesis
on Asperger's syndrome
712
01:07:08,916 --> 01:07:12,957
and used Max as her case study.
713
01:07:13,041 --> 01:07:15,749
Her professors
were thoroughly impressed
714
01:07:15,750 --> 01:07:19,624
and her writing praised far and wide.
715
01:07:19,625 --> 01:07:23,290
Soon, publishers queued
to print her unique insight
716
01:07:23,291 --> 01:07:30,915
and by her 25th birthday, thousands
of copies were ready to be shipped.
717
01:07:30,916 --> 01:07:32,749
Dear Max,
718
01:07:32,750 --> 01:07:34,374
I am very proud to give you
719
01:07:34,375 --> 01:07:37,915
the very first copy of my
book about your disability
720
01:07:37,916 --> 01:07:42,374
and the hopes that we have
to one day cure it.
721
01:07:43,291 --> 01:07:44,290
Even more exciting
722
01:07:44,291 --> 01:07:50,082
is that I am finally coming to meet
and celebrate with you in one week's time.
723
01:07:50,166 --> 01:07:53,415
I'm also going to give you
half the royalties.
724
01:07:53,416 --> 01:07:56,915
Your loving friend, Mary.
725
01:07:56,916 --> 01:08:01,457
PS. Please find enclosed some
chocolate-coated Swiss almonds.
726
01:08:06,375 --> 01:08:10,915
Max didn't take the news very well...
727
01:08:10,916 --> 01:08:13,915
not very well at all.
728
01:08:13,916 --> 01:08:16,790
Dear Mary Daisy Dinkle,
729
01:08:16,791 --> 01:08:22,124
I cannot express myself
very clearly at this moment
730
01:08:22,125 --> 01:08:28,540
and so I will list my emotions
in the order they feel most intense...
731
01:08:28,541 --> 01:08:36,082
hurt, confuzzledness, betrayal, discomfort,
distress and wheeziness.
732
01:08:36,125 --> 01:08:39,457
This last one is not really an emotion
733
01:08:39,458 --> 01:08:42,124
but I thought you should know about it anyway.
734
01:09:13,958 --> 01:09:18,999
With her suitcase packed for New York,
Mary said goodbye to Damian.
735
01:09:19,083 --> 01:09:26,832
She hadn't been this excited since
she'd found a Noblet in the gutter.
736
01:09:26,833 --> 01:09:31,207
But her excitement
suddenly dribbled away
737
01:09:31,208 --> 01:09:33,832
like a chocolate in the sun.
738
01:10:45,458 --> 01:10:50,165
Mary slowly sank
into a puddle of depression, self-loathing
739
01:10:50,250 --> 01:10:52,540
and cooking sherry.
740
01:10:52,541 --> 01:10:58,207
The only colour left in her life
was her beloved Damian,
741
01:10:58,208 --> 01:11:04,207
only an arm's length away
but as distant as the moon.
742
01:11:09,208 --> 01:11:14,749
She lost interest in the world
and it lost interest in her
743
01:11:14,750 --> 01:11:19,832
as a horrible apparition began to haunt.
744
01:11:19,833 --> 01:11:24,082
She started to spend her nights
making pompoms
745
01:11:24,083 --> 01:11:27,624
and eating two-minute noodles.
746
01:12:30,541 --> 01:12:33,999
Each day, with strength and shame,
747
01:12:34,041 --> 01:12:38,249
Mary trudged to the letterbox in hope,
748
01:12:38,250 --> 01:12:43,499
only to swivel, shrivel
and slink back inside.
749
01:13:37,541 --> 01:13:39,540
My dearest Mary,
750
01:13:39,541 --> 01:13:42,957
by the time you read this,
I will be on a plane to New Zealand
751
01:13:42,958 --> 01:13:45,290
to begin a new life.
752
01:13:45,333 --> 01:13:49,415
You probably haven't even noticed
I'd packed my bags.
753
01:13:49,416 --> 01:13:54,040
I have fallen in love
with my penfriend, Desmond,
754
01:13:54,041 --> 01:13:56,707
and I'm going to live
on his sheep farm.
755
01:13:59,166 --> 01:14:02,832
It's been hard to watch you become
a remnant of the person I once loved.
756
01:14:02,833 --> 01:14:05,749
Your research into m-m-mental
illness has been admirable
757
01:14:05,750 --> 01:14:11,040
but your idealistic pursuit to
remedy it has been misguided.
758
01:14:11,041 --> 01:14:14,332
Mary, you have to realise y-you are not
a magic beauty cream
759
01:14:14,375 --> 01:14:18,832
you can smooth on the world
to rid it of its wrinkles.
760
01:14:18,833 --> 01:14:20,707
I love you, Mary,
761
01:14:20,708 --> 01:14:23,957
but I love Desmond more.
762
01:14:23,958 --> 01:14:27,332
I hope one day your heart will heal
and we can be friends.
763
01:14:27,333 --> 01:14:30,499
Yours compassionately, Damian.
764
01:14:56,208 --> 01:14:58,415
Dear Mayor Ridiculani,
765
01:14:58,416 --> 01:15:06,665
on Monday I counted 27 people
illegally dropping cigarette butts.
766
01:15:06,666 --> 01:15:09,332
I would like to recommend
the fine be increased
767
01:15:09,333 --> 01:15:14,540
to a minimum of $1 million
as a stronger deterrent
768
01:15:14,583 --> 01:15:17,957
and would be happy...
769
01:15:51,083 --> 01:15:54,832
Thank you.
770
01:16:37,791 --> 01:16:39,957
Sorry.
771
01:16:59,958 --> 01:17:02,124
Dear Mary,
772
01:17:02,125 --> 01:17:06,582
please find enclosed
my entire Noblet collection
773
01:17:06,583 --> 01:17:09,874
as a sign that I forgive you.
774
01:17:10,958 --> 01:17:14,624
When I received your book,
the emotions inside...
775
01:18:11,125 --> 01:18:16,124
On the way home,
Max sat to count the stars.
776
01:18:16,125 --> 01:18:18,790
He felt complete...
777
01:18:18,791 --> 01:18:21,957
the world was back in balance.
778
01:21:50,166 --> 01:21:54,290
Len had saved the day
and after 45 years
779
01:21:54,333 --> 01:21:59,165
he finally conquered his agoraphobia.
780
01:22:03,250 --> 01:22:04,707
Moron!
781
01:22:14,583 --> 01:22:16,124
Dear Mary,
782
01:22:16,125 --> 01:22:20,957
please find enclosed
my entire Noblet collection
783
01:22:20,958 --> 01:22:24,999
as a sign that I forgive you.
784
01:22:25,000 --> 01:22:28,957
When I received your book,
the emotions inside my brain
785
01:22:28,958 --> 01:22:34,040
felt like they were in a tumble dryer,
smashing into each other.
786
01:22:35,250 --> 01:22:39,707
The hurt felt like when I accidentally
stapled my lips together.
787
01:22:41,500 --> 01:22:46,999
The reason I forgive you
is because you are not perfect.
788
01:22:47,000 --> 01:22:50,999
You are imperfect, and so am I.
789
01:22:51,000 --> 01:22:53,999
All humans are imperfect,
790
01:22:54,000 --> 01:22:58,415
even the man outside my apartment
who litters.
791
01:22:58,458 --> 01:23:04,915
When I was young,
I wanted to be anybody but myself.
792
01:23:04,958 --> 01:23:08,957
Dr Bernard Hazelhof said
if I was on a desert island
793
01:23:08,958 --> 01:23:12,665
then I would have to get
used to my own company...
794
01:23:12,666 --> 01:23:15,915
just me and the coconuts.
795
01:23:15,958 --> 01:23:22,540
He said I would have to accept myself,
my warts and all,
796
01:23:22,583 --> 01:23:25,540
and that we don't get
to choose our warts.
797
01:23:25,541 --> 01:23:29,207
They are a part of us
and we have to live with them.
798
01:23:31,041 --> 01:23:35,207
We can, however, choose our friends
799
01:23:35,208 --> 01:23:40,540
and I am glad I have chosen you.
800
01:23:40,541 --> 01:23:43,707
Dr Bernard Hazelhof also said
801
01:23:43,750 --> 01:23:48,249
that everyone's lives
are like a very long sidewalk.
802
01:23:48,250 --> 01:23:52,957
Some are well paved.
Others, like mine,
803
01:23:52,958 --> 01:23:58,540
have cracks, banana skins
and cigarette butts.
804
01:23:58,541 --> 01:24:05,540
Your sidewalk is like mine
but probably not as many cracks.
805
01:24:05,583 --> 01:24:09,582
Hopefully, one day
our sidewalks will meet
806
01:24:09,666 --> 01:24:13,249
and we can share
a can of condensed milk.
807
01:24:17,041 --> 01:24:23,332
You are my best friend.
You are my only friend.
808
01:24:23,375 --> 01:24:28,790
Your American penpal,
Max Jerry Horowitz.
809
01:24:30,041 --> 01:24:35,040
PS. I have recently found the perfect job
with a survey company.
810
01:24:35,041 --> 01:24:39,874
All I have to do is eat things
and tick boxes.
811
01:26:01,625 --> 01:26:03,225
Max?
812
01:26:17,833 --> 01:26:19,832
Hello?
813
01:26:23,500 --> 01:26:25,957
Max, it's us!
814
01:26:26,000 --> 01:26:28,249
We're here!
815
01:26:30,458 --> 01:26:33,249
Max?
816
01:26:39,583 --> 01:26:44,374
Max had died peacefully that morning
817
01:26:44,375 --> 01:26:48,540
after finishing his final can
of condensed milk.
818
01:28:00,250 --> 01:28:05,999
You are my best friend.
You are my only friend.
819
01:28:11,583 --> 01:28:17,082
He smelt like liquorice and old
books, she thought to herself,
820
01:28:17,083 --> 01:28:20,790
as tears rolled from her eyes
821
01:28:20,791 --> 01:28:24,749
the colour of muddy puddles.67294
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