Original subtitles

Shoppers already?

Hey, Monty, I'm getting outta here, man.

It's Thanksgiving.

What time did they start showing up last year?

- About noon. - Noon?

Freaking vultures!

Oh, shit.

What the fuck is that?

Monty.

Yo, Monty!

Oh, what the fuck, Monty?

You had one job.

Jesus Christ.

Monty?

All right, influencers, time to go.

Come on. Mom's is boring.

Mom's house isn't boring.

Her and Grant are...

well, they're kinda lame.

- He uses Axe body spray. - I know.

And he farts, like, all the time.

Come on, Dad. We had Thanksgiving breakfast.

Talk about sad.

Mom's waiting. Let's go.

Come on, let's go. Come on, kiddo.

Why do you have to work on Thanksgiving, Dad?

It's not fair.

Listen, kiddo.

Heroes work on the holidays, okay?

Cops, firefighters, your dad.

Come on. Come on, let's go.

- Come on. - I love you, Daddy.

I love you too, baby. Give me a big hug.

Oh, big squishes.

Hey, hey.

Grant does not work today.

Take that for what you will, okay?

Okay, get out here. Love you. I love you.

That's a sweater, huh?

Has anyone seen my hand sanitizer?

Uh, check the drawer in the foyer.

Yeah, maybe check that shithole you call a room.

- Hey, pass the pie, will ya? - Yeah.

Hey, has anyone seen a new one?

Uh, check the...

Oh! My pocket's got it.

Honey, I think your ride's here.

Christopher, we're trying to enjoy

Thanksgiving dinner, okay?

- You have to work all weekend? - I don't know.

Is Dad still charging me rent?

All weekend. I love you guys.

Happy Thanksgiving, honey.

Happy Black Friday.

Coming to the ring, weighing 35 pounds,

looking like an absolute vegetarian...

Whoo-whoo-whoo!

Chris Godecki!

What's up, buddy?

Come on. Turn that frown upside down.

You look like you don't want to be working on Thanksgiving.

Oh, nice booster seat.

Got any juice boxes for after the game?

The booster seat's for you, little man.

I hate that this shift is something

I've done more than once.

So you're feeling good, then?

It's like, everyone's at home watching football,

eating pumpkin pie.

This is so depressing.

Buddy, I had to hand my kids off

to their mother at sundown.

Gracie remarked how sad it was we had Thanksgiving breakfast.

That almost makes me feel better.

We Luv Toys loves Black Friday deals,

so come on down!

That's weird.

Why would they be closed tonight?

Whoa! Whoa!

I guarantee that was some soccer mom

high on the thrill of being a douche.

- Black Friday massacre. - Yeah.

Oh, I don't... I don't feel good.

You're fine.

Go clock in. You don't want to talk to me for free.

Ready for the shit show?

What's up, man?

I'd say be careful,

but I bet you're tougher than any guy here.

You're too sweet.

All set in the back?

Should be. Keys are in the truck

and I've got a shit ton of toys to unload.

Thanks, Lou. Your work's appreciated.

Thought we said we weren't gonna wear

the same outfits tonight.

Man, I guess you should just go home, then.

Huh. Don't tempt me.

You brought the shopping carts back in, right?

Yeah, you bet.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

A doughnut.

A doughnut who?

I doughnut fucking believe you.

We still on for pancakes tonight?

Are you buying?

I don't think we've ever been introduced.

I'm the artist formerly known as half to my ex.

Hey, let me get my holiday bonus.

Nice try, Bates,

but you get it when you clock out at 6:00.

6:00?

That's a ten-hour descent into hell!

Oh, my back.

We've got "I-View Sky"

reporting on tonight's meteor showers.

We've got tips on how to snap

the perfect meteor...

It's okay to be sad, depressed, and even suicidal.

Toy does not come with any chokeable parts

- or pieces that can be... - Thanks, Sandy.

And reports are telling us now

people should go nowhere near these things.

And Chucky says we're all going to die.

Alice, who really told you that?

Corporate sent cake?

You don't have to eat it.

It's just nice to know they... care.

They don't care about shit.

I'll take it to the storage area.

Archie's guys will eat it.

Yo, Godecki, you see the line out there?

Yeah, it's like something out of my nightmares.

Are you kidding me? Old man Peruso

offered to give me a handy in the back alley

if I promised to save him a Dour Dennis.

Congrats.

Christopher.

Happy Black Friday, Anita.

Green Friday.

What?

Corporate said Black Friday was racist,

so they changed it to Green Friday.

Green like Christmas and money.

Good to know.

Your undershirt is untucked.

That's grounds for a write-up.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Daddy's at work. Look.

Ho, ho, ho, ho!

- Jesus fucking Christ, man. - Come on, please.

- Fuck. - Bathroom.

- Okay, okay. - I'm parking a Buick, man.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

It's in the back room, okay?

Black Friday.

What a bunch of suckers.

Shit!

Yo, Chris!

Yo, Chris, open up! I'm locked out here again, bro.

Chris, come on!

Don't make me take the main entrance with those...

Shoppers.

My man.

You know I hold things down.

That's "hold you down."

I'll... I'll get it, I swear.

Thank you.

How about a nonsexual back rub?

Please don't.

All right.

More for me then, right?

You see they gave Anita employee of the month again?

Yeah, I saw that.

Fucking Jonathan, right?

I came in early five times this pay period.

He made me learn how to work a fucking forklift

all for nothing.

It might come in handy

if you ever need to do some forklifting.

Everybody listen up.

Happy Black Friday, We Luv Toys.

Some quick notes before we open our doors.

First off...

From OSHA.

Uh, statistically when it comes to retail,

there's no day more harmful to retail workers than this day.

Remember, OSHA changed their rules

after somebody was trampled to death.

So look out for each other, okay?

Also, Dour Dennis has been recalled,

so if anybody asks for it, we don't have it.

We never had it.

Some safety issue with the battery.

I'm not... I'm not... I'm not doing well.

Doing well... doing... doing... doing well... doing well.

I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm exhausted, exhausted.

Uh, finally,

um, corporate has contacted me to inform you

that they will not be able to offer paid breaks tonight.

Thank you for your understanding.

Fuck this.

Let's quell this sitch, please.

I know that this is not ideal,

but this is a really big night.

I would hate for a sour mood to ruin our sales.

What about our holiday bonus?

Corporate promised us time and a half

for the holiday weekend.

Yes.

That is still...

yes.

All right, game faces, team.

I want smiles.

What do we love?

Toys!

Ugh.

I got a migra... migraine.

My back hurts, hurts, hurts.

Chris, back here.

I'm not myself.

You're on reg for the night.

All night?

We're short-staffed. We need the coverage up front.

I'm not doing well, well, well.

Looks like your massage will have to wait.

Bye, Chris.

Yet others are going through much worse,

through much worse.

Wait, Mister? Wait up.

Marnie said I should shadow you.

I'm Emmett, but you can call me Em.

No, I can't.

You, uh...

you ever work retail before?

- Never. - No?

Well, uh...

I'm gonna let you in on a little secret

only a pro like me knows.

Yeah.

When I find myself in a pickle...

I take a deep breath and I think to myself...

"What would an idiot do?"

For example, okay?

If some crazy lady comes up to me and asks me,

"Where's the Duncan yo-yos?"

I'd...

Escort them to the yo-yo section and then...

No.

No. No. You're already trying too hard.

You point them in the direction of fucking wherever

- and they'll find it, yeah? - Yeah.

- Okay? - Yeah.

- All right? - Okay.

All right, get on out of here, youngster.

Hey, team, remember:

no matter how bad these suburban savages

get under your skin, the customer is always right.

Whoo! Yes! It's go time.

Places, everyone.

Smiles, please. Holiday cheer.

I want faces that love toys.

Brian, unleash the beast in...

five...

Four,

three,

two.

Go, baby!

Go, Black Friday!

Stop it!

Aw, man!

Good job.

Thank you very much. Happy holidays.

Will you hurry up?

Ma'am, I'm trying.

Oh, get it together, dickless!

Ugh.

Hey, my turn.

Oh, oh!

Oh, I must have been good this year!

Oh, Santa!

What's the sitch here?

Oh, pussy boy here is taking forever.

There's, like, jam in the keyboard.

Ah.

Sorry, folks, looks like I'm gonna

have to shut this lane down.

Ma'am, if you would head back to the Santa's rear village,

- someone will meet you there. - Ugh!

Dude, what the hell?

Full discloszh,

some guy just blew chunks all over the ride-ons.

You're cleaning it up.

Th-throw up? Um...

it's... it's a little germy, no?

What about the floor workers?

But I thought you preferred the floor.

Sawdust's in the maint's closet.

Ah, these fucking idiot customers.

Idiots!

Is that what you think we are?

Jesus Christ, lady.

You watch your mouth, asshole,

or I'll rip this place apart, including you!

I believe you.

Deep breaths. It's just barf.

You don't have to touch it. Don't breathe around it.

Aah!

That's way more than I expected!

Okay, um, sir?

Sir, let's get you some help.

Oh! Holy shit!

Oh, fuck!

Chris, what the fuck?

All customers must vacate the premises of We Luv Toys.

We apologize for the inconvenience.

All customers must vacate the premises...

Yo, took me two years,

but I finally got the hang of this thing.

Look at that.

Whoa, whoa, watch this, watch this.

Oh!

So what exactly happened with that Chris guy?

I don't know.

I think he smashed some woman with a mini pink SUV.

Right.

Um, ma'am, I'm sorry,

but we're actually closing early tonight.

What happened?

I don't know.

Came out, and it was a fucking disaster.

Okay. Go check it out.

I'll keep an eye on Chris.

I'll be back.

I told you guys.

I am sorry that I crushed that woman.

But...

Check the security footage!

We don't have to check shit.

This is a citizen's arrest.

There is something really wrong out there.

Yes, something is really wrong.

We're one hour into Black Friday

and we're escorting customers away from the store?

Yeah, of course that's his concern.

No, no, no, Marnie, wait. Please, you have to believe me.

She attacked me.

Ask Archie.

Archie went to go check on that nasty puke bitch

you attempted to murder.

You're going to jail, Chris.

Uh, miss?

Oh, oh, my God.

No, no, no!

Aah! No!

Shit!

Come on, kid. Let's go!

What the hell is going on out there?

This is some next-level bath salt shit.

No, it's just Black Friday.

Excitement is in the air.

- Green Friday. - That's right.

Green Friday, baby. It's all part of the fun.

It's known as competitive shopping.

Anita got a black eye last year and she took it like a champ.

No, no. Fuck that.

Some woman just attacked Emmett.

It's like she wasn't a person anymore.

I hit her with a fucking skateboard.

She didn't even feel it.

- Try calling the cops. - Oh, no. No.

Do not call the cops.

Are you kidding?

You call the cops, and this place shuts down.

Now, if we work efficiently,

we can reopen by maybe 2:00 a.m.

Reopen? Are you insane?

Line's busy. I got their voice mail.

Did you know the police had a voice mail?

This is the biggest night of the year, okay?

Corporate expects us to do six figures this weekend.

I'm sure corporate will understand.

Relax. Okay?

I know we all want to go home. It's a holiday.

Blardy blardy blar. Let me tell you something...

What was wrong with that lady?

Am I gonna be okay?

Hey, bud.

Can I get you anything?

Oh, man.

There is something wrong with the shoppers.

Christopher,

you are not supposed to provoke the customers.

The training video says...

♪ Leave them be and then you'll see ♪

♪ The love of toys is all we need ♪

Anita, please shut the fuck up!

You wonder why you never get Employee of the Month.

You know what?

No one gives a flying fuck

about your training videos or your plaques, Anita.

Oh, I know you don't, but there are those who do.

The ones who don't care are the ones like you two,

'cause you have squandered every single opportunity

that life has handed to you to do a subpar job

ringing people up at We Luv Toys

for the rest of your life!

Stand back. Stand back. Stand back.

I got this. I got this.

Hey, buddy. You all right?

Here, come here. Come here.

Hey, buddy. Hey. Okay.

Okay. Spit it out.

Holy fuck!

Uh, okay. All right.

You're gonna be okay. You're gonna be okay. Hey.

Somebody get me a fucking pillow!

- Okay. Okay. Fuck! - Move!

Okay. Okay.

The handbook says we're not really supposed

to make physical contact.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Okay, okay! Enough! Enough! Enough!

Protect me.

Oh, God!

Hey, corporate sent that!

Back the fuck up, homey!

Hey!

You're fucked now, Junior!

Sit your ass down.

Was that the new guy?

Hello?

Anyone?

Bartlett won't pick up.

We've got to separate that kid

from the rest of the shoppers.

You know, the first time I worked Black Friday,

they separated shoppers by race.

Oh, great time for that story, Ruth!

Great time for that.

That's it. It's not safe in here.

- Can someone please untie me? - Schaumburg answered.

I got Schaumburg.

Hello, Schaumburg.

This is Jonathan Wexler, manager of store...

Hello? Hello?

Oh, thank God. Our shoppers are going crazy.

They're attacking us. We can't get out!

Wait. What?

Listen to me.

Whatever you do, don't let them in.

And for the love of God, don't let them gather.

They're building something.

What?

Get... I need... just don't let them gather!

- Don't let them... - Hello?

Hello!

Okay, hang up.

Oh, we gotta do something.

I mean, dying in a toy store isn't how it ends for me.

Does anyone have a car big enough to fit us all?

Dad-mobile.

Fits seven, but, you know, we could all squeeze.

- Ew. - Brian, don't start.

Ken's truck won't be enough.

There's people on the sales floor.

So we gotta make a run for it, right?

Do we?

We don't even know what these things are or what they want.

They want to hurt us.

Oh, yeah, speaking of, can someone please untie me?

Ruth can't run.

Survival of the fittest... and non-geriatric.

Those things are the fittest.

You saw Emmett.

We have to stay here and protect ourselves.

Who knows where else this is happening?

I say we get everyone together on the sales floor,

lock the doors, hang tight till this shit cools off.

You guys are gonna feel dumb when this all blows over.

Jonathan, this isn't blowing over.

You know, the company sends me this cheap champagne

for making our sales goals.

Now, they expect me to generate revenue tonight.

That's my job.

Your job is to be our manager.

Protect us. Manage us.

I can't.

Let's move. Come on.

Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.

Find anyone you can and reconvene at the service desk.

Oh, and look out for Emmett.

The less we have to interact with the shoppers...

the better.

Where is everyb... oh.

Shh.

How did all these shoppers get in here?

The team must've tried to leave

through the employee exit.

Who knows how many of those things got in?

I say we split up.

Close that door. Secure the store.

Ken, you take Ruth and Marnie through the back hall.

Hole up in the office until we get back.

Yeah.

Chris, Brian, Jonathan,

we're gonna run recon to that exit.

No, no, I should be with the other group

'cause Brian represents me on the sales floor.

I will carry your grace to the sales floor as always.

Let's just go.

Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on.

Where you going?

To the bathroom.

Why?

'Cause I have to go.

Ooh, I gotta go too.

I've been holding it.

Your man, so hunky.

They don't make 'em like that anymore.

You know, fierce. Stern.

A real smolder.

Ruth, he's not my man. We're not dating, okay?

- Oh! - Or... it doesn't matter.

Oh, so... so more like consensual fuck partners.

Wow.

Follow me. Stay low.

Oh, no, no, no, no!

What part of "follow me" did you not understand?

Follow me.

Hey, so let me know if you leave the bathroom,

'cause I can always pinch and run, okay?

- Gotcha! - What are you doing?

Getting my stash, man.

You can't do that!

Circumstances have changed, Jonathan.

That's against the code!

- Oh, no. - What? What's going on?

We gotta get to that door.

Let's go.

Brian, step back.

We're clear.

All set. Come on.

So what do we do now? They... they got the door shut.

What are the shoppers doing?

Ruth, wait here.

Okay.

You park that Buick?

- Johnathan! - Shit!

Jonathan!

Oh!

Are we safe up here?

Define safe.

Ken, come on.

I think we were safer in my office.

The doors are closed. Now we wait, yeah?

No, no, no. We can't wait.

I'm with her.

Lou was in there and he was trying to eat me

or pull me into him.

- He was trying to... - Gather?

Exactly.

Just like Schaumburg said.

Yeah, they're doing it at Santa's village.

I saw something.

I don't know what it was, but I think the shoppers

are trying to reach each other and...

At this point, we're just in their way.

We're gonna have to fight whatever's left.

Whoa, whoa.

God damn it.

What's wrong?

I can't get dinner with my kids.

I can't get a drink at work.

I can't even get a goddamn text to send.

Uh... I'll go get that.

You know what? I'm getting my bonus

and I'm getting the fuck outta here.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Jonathan, give me the keys.

Oh, uh...

I left the keys in my office.

Archie.

Where's the holiday bonuses?

Are they, like, in your office or something?

I thought that I told you

that there were gonna be no holiday bonuses this year.

What the fuck?

Jonathan, this is bullshit even for you.

That's not what you told me.

All you said was that there'd be layoffs after the holidays.

Whoa! What the hell? Like who?

I mean, fo' sho' you with them bathroom breaks.

I wash my fucking hands!

This place is a cesspool!

Hey, guys, shut up.

Jonathan, is this true?

♪ Little girl ♪

Well...

it isn't not untrue.

- Oh, my God. - I mean, yeah, yes, it's true.

I quit, you fucking joke.

For your nose.

Ruth, get away from the window.

No, the police are here.

Oh, thank God!

Hey, Brian, wait up!

No!

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

Go!

Oh, God!

They're all headed for that.

What is that thing?

Let's go.

Chris, go.

No, man.

Chris, I'ma hold you down.

Now go. Go!

Got your doorbusters right here, motherfucker.

Oh!

Ken, block the door!

Oh!

They're never really dead.

Archie?

If they got to him, what the hell are we gonna do?

I don't think this night can get any worse.

Okay.

Does anybody else just think that's funny?

How long do you think that door will hold?

It's the only idea we've got and it's gotten us this far.

It's safe for now.

My name is Emmett, and I have loved toys

since the first of the month.

I think that that is the shortest

anyone has ever worked here.

I have loved toys for eight years.

I wanted to be a dentist, you know.

Ten years.

Got laid off.

Told my wife it'd be temporary.

Four years.

I'd throw my name tag in the middle, but I lost mine.

Two years.

Imagine making your living

at the place you begged your mom and dad

to take you to when you were younger.

I ran home to tell my dad after I got hired,

and he goes...

"Welcome to corporate hell, kid."

This place isn't impressive.

It isn't fun or magical.

It's a prison.

It's a ruse.

It's a lie.

Well, that just sucks, you know,

'cause I always saw you as manager material.

Shut up, Jonathan.

You guys want to know why I applied here 27 years ago?

I was lonely.

I believe that there's a place for everyone,

and this is my place.

It's a place where you have worth,

where regional managers call you and ask for numbers,

where you can reprimand somebody

and they have to listen to you.

Where the women have to laugh at all your corny jokes

and even the coolest guys have to obey.

That's what We Luv Toys means to me.

That's some dark shit right there.

I legitimately always thought you were a serial killer.

I can't believe I missed Thanksgiving

with my family for this.

Well, at least you were invited to a Thanksgiving.

I'm sorry. Truly.

What are you doing?

No one should be without Thanksgiving.

Turkey.

Thank you.

Cranberry.

Football.

Black Friday.

Here's some Black Friday trivia.

The phrase was first used by Philly cops

to describe the crowds

and the traffic the day after the holiday.

Mm! And here's some retail trivia.

The promise of savings is an illusion

'cause everything they put out there is sold at a loss

to get you through the door.

Things are still selling for a high margin too.

So yeah, sure.

Go ahead and get that cheap flat-screen TV,

but now you need the wall mount and the cables.

Customers aren't always right.

They just want to think that they are.

Jesus Christ.

Mm.

Well, for our last Thanksgiving meal,

- it sure was informative. - No.

Don't say that.

Don't say this is our last.

I think she was just making a joke.

No. I got two kids out there

that I plan to see again.

Calm down. We get it.

You don't know shit, Chris.

- You don't have a... - I don't have a what, Ken?

A family that gives a shit about me?

Maybe you're right.

But at least I don't love it here.

I don't love it here.

Look at how hard you try

to be the coolest person working at We Luv Toys.

Guys, can we not do this right now?

Me?

You're the one that's always

trying to get employee of the month.

It's a fake award, Christopher.

Don't blame me for trying my best.

Your best.

You call this your best?

I've never seen a bigger waste of potential in my life.

Oh, fuck off!

You try to give me all these tips

about how to live and when you were my age.

You're not my age.

I still have time to realize that this job was a mistake.

You got a lot to learn, kid.

"Kid."

I'm not your kid.

You see me way too often to be your actual child.

Don't.

At least I acknowledge that this job bums me out.

But, my God, you treat it like it's high school,

like you're the cool guy in shop,

dating someone 20 years younger than you.

Okay, we're not dating.

I thought we were a thing.

A thing, yeah.

But, Ken, you're almost my dad's age.

I will fucking kill you, nerd!

What about all the late-night shifts?

What about the time we made out on the train table?

- You did what? - We made out.

It passes the time.

But, Ken, I don't really know you.

I've never seen you outside of the store.

I mean, I've... I've never even met your kids.

Would we ever go out on a date?

I don't think so, right?

Pancakes.

No?

So that's it?

You guys all think I'm some sort of fucking loser, huh?

I'm out of here.

Let's go.

What exactly are we looking for?

I'm fresh out of ideas.

There's got to be a circuit breaker or something in here.

I can do you one better.

Hey, what's the plan?

Lou attacked you guys, right?

Damn straight. He showed Ken what's what.

Right, which means the truck

is still parked in the loading dock.

And the keys are still in the truck. He told me.

If we bust open those locks,

we can get into the bed of the truck.

That's our way out of here.

What happens when you get into the truck bed?

I figured there's got to be a hatch

to the front seat, right?

Got it! Let's go.

All right, team.

Listen up.

I've made a decision.

As captain...

I'm going down with the ship.

- No! - I'm staying behind.

That's it.

We had turkey together.

And pretzels.

Jonathan, now is not the time, okay?

Then when is my time, huh?

Call me a fool, but I love it here.

This is my favorite place in the whole world,

and it would be an honor to stay with the store

in its final hours,

as any good and strong manager would.

I told you they never die.

Oh, this just got really bad.

Go, get outta here!

- Ken! - Don't!

Motherfucker! Ow! Ow!

Ow!

I think we're clear.

Maybe they do die.

- Ken. - Are you okay?

Wait, wait, wait.

Stay back. Do not come over here.

Oh, my God.

What happened?

What does it look like? Fucking new guy bit me.

I can fix this. We can fix this.

No. No.

You saw what happened to Anita and Emmett.

If they bite you, you turn into one of them.

No, no, no, no. Don't say that.

Well, that is the mythos, right?

Shut the fuck up, Jonathan!

What happened to going down with the ship, huh, Captain?

I guess I changed my mind.

We can cut the arm off.

Let's lop it off.

Guys, you already took my dignity.

Leave my arm.

Get out of here.

Put something in the door. Don't let me out.

Here.

Ken, I'm... I'm sorry.

Yeah, me too, kid.

Fuck.

Come on, man! When are you gonna take me?

Fuck!

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

Want to go someplace new, new.

Not my... not myself.

Been a long... been a long day, day, day.

Been a long... been a long day.

Fuck off, Dour Dennis.

Yet others are going through much worse.

Fuck off, man.

You know what you're doing?

No, but I figure if I climb out of the hatch

and get to the front seat, it's our way out of here.

Okay. Good plan.

'Cause my Elks Lodge is only about six miles away.

Or the police station.

The police are here and they're monsters now.

Now?

Look, I'll get us somewhere, okay?

Brian, about a year ago,

corporate sent transportation...

Hey, I hope you don't believe what Ken said.

It's not true.

It's true.

I don't know if he meant it, but it's true.

I made things uncomfortable by bringing you into that fight.

You're too good of a person.

You remember Christmas last year,

we caught that woman stealing?

I wanted to stop her. Y-y...

She had kids. She was stealing for them.

What?

What was I supposed to do, call the cops

so that she'd get arrested and her kids would find out

in the worst possible way that Santa's not real?

You let her do it?

Marnie... you did the right thing.

Let's help Chris out.

Hey, how do you feel today, feel today?

You know, I'm not doing too good, Dour Dennis,

but I appreciate the sentiment.

Just always feel bad, bad, bad.

That's great.

That's just fucking awesome.

I'm good.

Ah, fuck.

God damn it, Brian!

What are the odds Chris fucks this up?

You know, you are a real boner killer,

you know that?

Bircher.

An emergency at-home order has been put in place...

What do I do here?

Civilians are advised...

What is this?

What are all these buttons?

I repeat: stay in your home.

An emergency at-home order has been put in place...

"You should have taken shop." Shut the fuck up, Dad!

Civilians are advised to avoid

any and all retail areas.

I can't do this at my house.

My house is a mess, mess, mess, mess.

Quiet, Dennis. They'll hear us.

Oh, fuck.

Get it together, together.

It's not like my life was my choice.

Hey! This is for employees only!

Come on, Dennis.

My wife left me, so I guess

I can do whatever the fuck I want.

What happened to the plan, Chris?

I can't drive this truck.

That's what you get for not taking shop class.

Shh, shh! The... they'll hear us.

I saw Bircher outside.

He was like Emmett. He turned but maybe worse.

I-I don't know.

I don't think he saw me.

Are you okay?

Chris!

No, no, no, no, no, no!

Help!

Aah!

Shit!

Jonathan, open the back door!

We're safe in here, no?

No! Obviously not.

These things are fast and strong.

They'll rip this truck apart.

Go! Go! Get the back!

- Okay. Okay. - GO! Go!

What are we gonna do?

Okay. Marnie, grab the back of my sweater.

Then Chris, Brian, you last.

Me last?

Well, unfortunately, these things are hungry,

and well, you're the slowest and the juiciest.

Are you crazy? We can't see in there.

You can't, maybe.

I can walk through this whole store with my eyes closed.

Come on. Grab on. Let's move!

I can't see anything.

Shut the fuck up, juicy.

This was a good call.

Go high, you know. That's what they say.

- Who? - I don't know, sports people?

Marnie, where did the rest of the shoppers go?

Hello, hello, hello.

Maybe you could love me. Maybe you could love me.

Guys, over here.

Hey, uh,

I'm totes sorry that I left you on the sales floor.

It's all right. Forget about it.

No, I've been a bitch.

But I've totally taken control since then.

I totally helped with Ken.

What?

Oh, no!

It's spreading too fast.

No, no, no! We got to put it out.

No, no!

I don't care how much smoke. Back down the hatch!

Oh, there they are.

We don't have a way out.

You know the worst thing about holiday shoppers?

They can never accept the fact that the night is over.

They have no idea what it takes to work in retail.

Year after year dealing with hordes of unruly customers.

You know what?

My face hurts because of all the fake smiles!

My ears hurt from listening to Air Supply

50,000 times!

Worst of all, my fucking feet hurt!

What is he doing?

I think he's finally had enough.

It's right there in the manager's handbook.

The people that work for you should be treated...

like family.

Well, these kids, they're special to me.

They're my family.

Jonathan, what are you doing?

So attention, shoppers,

Black Friday is over!

Whoo!

Somebody say something.

I bit Ken.

You what?

Ma'am, I have the right to refuse service to anybody!

And it doesn't matter appear you're wearing a shirt

or shoes, ma'am!

I'll rip this place apart, including you!

Oh, get it together, dickless!

I made a choice, and I bit him.

Ken Bates was no hero.

He was a drunk and a creep.

So I did us all a favor.

You are a horrible person.

You piece of shit.

What the fuck?

You didn't even think about his daughters!

Marnie! Marnie, please!

These are more than microaggressions!

I fucking hate you!

Guys, stop fighting, okay? Not now.

Grab some garland and some lights.

We can rappel off this thing.

I'm okay!

Yeah, me too!

Oh, why are those things so filthy?

Guys, why is the garbage so wet?

Chris, you can do it.

Three, two.

Come on.

Mm-mm. Mm-mm.

Oh! Five, four...

Whoa!

Oh, God.

Are you okay?

That thing just shook me off the side of the roof,

which is perfectly fine because I was gonna jump anyway.

It's, like, not even that bad in here.

Okay, Chris. Let's go.

Chris? What about me?

You can stay here with the rest of the trash.

Ow!

I'm sorry!

He was kind of on all of our shit, though, right?

I mean, he said you were

a waste of potential, Chris, right?

He said that you were his girlfriend.

Girl, bye!

Dude was gonna lead us to certain death

'cause he was afraid for his daughters.

I did us all a favor!

Hey!

We have to make a run for it.

Check every car, and try to stay quiet.

Any of those things out here?

I think they're inside of that... thing.

Looks like the coast is clear.

This place is gonna blow.

Try to find a car that's unlocked.

Jonathan would have had a plan!

We need a plan!

Oh, shit!

Oh, Brian, God damn it!

Let's go.

What the fuck is he doing now?

Oh, my God.

What is that thing?

It's mom-fucking-Kong.

What do we do now?

It's all the shoppers.

What if I can get through to it?

Are you crazy?

It's a management thing.

You'd never understand, Marnie.

Hi there!

My name is Brian.

And I love toys!

Okay.

I know you're scared.

I'm scared too. That's right.

I'm not gonna hurt you.

Come closer.

You and I have been through a lot, you know?

You remember Black Friday 2016?

Uh, I know the shopper experience.

I mean, as I always say,

when in doubt, go shopping!

You and me, we have so many mems.

If anyone knows,

the customer's always r...

Oh, my God.

Shit. Shit.

Ken's SUV is over there.

He didn't give us the keys.

And he didn't put the fucking carts away!

Knock, knock!

You're supposed to say, "Who's there?"

- Now a bad time for a dad joke? - Ken!

We didn't think you'd make it.

Did you see Brian get just fucking...

Like a paper football.

Ken, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry too. I was an asshole.

You're too good for a toy store.

You both are.

That's why we need to get out of here.

Come on, let's go. Go, go, go, go!

What the hell are we gonna do?

If we run, that thing's gonna pick us off.

I have an idea.

Chris, please don't play hero.

Can you distract that thing?

I'ma hold you down.

- Don't. - No, Jonathan was right.

It's fucking Thanksgiving.

I'm deciding right here right now,

you guys are my family.

- So can you do it? - Yeah.

No, I'll do it. He's got kids.

No, no, you won't. Hey! Hey!

Whoa! Hey, right here!

Hey, right here! Hey!

I don't like you.

I don't have to help you.

I got your discount right here.

Look at this. Whoa, whoa, hey!

Hey, check this out. Check it out, huh?

You see that? Hey! Hey!

Right here, you big bitch! Right here!

I don't need to help you.

I got your discount right here! Look at this.

Look here!

Hey! Hey!

Yo!

Oh, no!

Oh, no, Chris. No.

Come on!

Yes! Bang!

I think I just pissed it off.

Come on! I think we can make it to my car.

Let's go! Come on!

Come on!

Just a thing?

Just a thing.

Let's go.

Leah texted.

My daughters are okay.

They set up safe havens for people.

Sounds good to me. Let's do it.

We gotta make a detour first.

For what?

For pancakes.

Let's go!

Well...

well... well... well,

it's been a long day, day, day.

And this is surely the end.