All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S45E02.WEBRip.x264-ION10

>>> RUDY, ATTORNEY GENERAL BARR,
THANK YOU FOR JOINING ME.

[ APPLAUSE ]
AS YOU KNOW, THIS IMPEACHMENT

FARCE IS GROWING WORSE BY THE
DAY.

AND NOW A SECOND WHISTLE‐BLOWER
IS COMING FORWARD.

>> AND IT'S ALL HAPPENING DURING
MY BUSY SEASON ‐‐ HALLOWEEN.

>> WHERE IS THE PRESIDENT, MIKE?
>> HE HAS MORE IMPORTANT THINGS

TO DEAL WITH.
HE'S MEETING WITH AN ALLIGATOR

BREEDER ABOUT FILLING A MOAT AT
THE BORDER.

>> YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME.
I KNOW A COUPLE OF GATORS FROM

WHEN I LIVED IN THE CENTRAL PARK
ZOO.

>> RUDY, WE NEED TO GET AHEAD OF
THIS STORY BEFORE IT SPIRALS OUT

OF CONTROL.
DID YOU SEE THE TEXT MESSAGES

THEY UNCOVERED?
>> WHAT!

THEY TOTALLY EXONERATE US.
>> REALLY?

WHAT DO THEY SAY?
>> THIS ONE SAYS, I THINK WE

SHOULD STOP TEXTING ABOUT THE
CRIMES AND MAYBE TELL THE CRIMES

OVER THE PHONE SO THAT THE
CRIMES DON'T LEAVE LITTLE CRIME

FOOTPRINTS.
SEE, IT'S ALL TAKEN CARE OF.

>> I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT.
I'M SUPPOSED TO BE SEEING THE

NEW JUDY GARLAND MOVIE WITH
MOTHER.

>> YOU WORRY TOO MUCH, MIKE.
PRESIDENTS GET IMPEACHED EVERY

30 OR 40 YEARS.
NOW, COME ON, RELAX, HAVE

ANOTHER GLASS OF MILK.
>> WELL, IT'S 5:00 SOMEWHERE.

>> MR. VICE PRESIDENT, SECRETARY
MIKE POMPEO HAS RETURNED FROM

GREECE AND IS HERE TO SEE YOU.
>> THANKS.

GOOD TO BE BACK.
[ APPLAUSE ]

>> MIKE, WEREN'T YOU SUBPOENAED
BY CONGRESS?

>> I WAS, BUT I THINK I BOUGHT
MYSELF A LITTLE TIME.

>> THIS MEETING OF THE HOUSE
INTELLIGENCE COMMITTEE WILL NOW

COME TO ORDER.
POMPEO.

POMPEO.
POMPEO.

>> LISTEN, I'VE BEEN ASKING
AROUND AND I THINK THAT THIS

WHOLE IMPEACHMENT THING COULD BE
REALLY BAD.

>> WHO TOLD YOU THAT?
>> LIKE, AMERICA.

>> NOT ACCORDING TO THIS
BREITBART OFFICE POLL THAT SAYS

121% OF PEOPLE WANT BIDEN
IMPEACHED.

>> MAYBE WE SHOULD LISTEN TO
MIKE.

AFTER ALL, HE IS SECRETARY OF ‐‐
>> STATE, I THINK?

HONESTLY, I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE.
MY I. D. JUST SAYS BIG MIKE.

>> THAT'S RIGHT.
THE ONLY ORIGINAL CABINET MEMBER

LEFT IS BEN CARSON.
>> DID SOMEBODY SAY MY NAME?

[ APPLAUSE ]
>> THAT'S OKAY, BEN.

THIS ISN'T YOUR JOB.
>> OKAY.

BUT I'VE BEEN SITTING IN MY
EMPTY OFFICE FOR LIKE THREE

YEARS.
DOES ANYONE KNOW WHAT MY JOB IS

SUPPOSED TO BE?
>> NO IDEA.

ANYONE?
>> I DON'T KNOW.

>> EVEN IF SOMEBODY COULD GIVE
ME MY PASSWORD TO MY COMPUTER,

THAT WOULD BE A GREAT HELP.
>> I BETTER SHOW MR. CARSON OUT.

>> BUT YOU'LL BE BACK, RIGHT?
WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A CRISIS

HERE.
>> OH, FOR SURE, 100%.

SEE YOU SOON.
>> LISTEN, GUYS, WE'RE GOING TO

JUST FINE.
WE NEED TO CLOSE RANKS, YOU

KNOW?
LIKE THE MAFIA.

>> UH, YEAH, EXCEPT THE MAFIA
WAS LIKE, SMART.

THEY DIDN'T GO ON FOX NEWS AND
TELL PEOPLE THE CRIMES BEFORE

THEY DID THEM.
>> OH, THAT REMINDS ME, I

PROMISED HANNITY I WOULD GO ON
HIS SHOW TONIGHT.

WHILE I'M GOING, YOU GUYS SHOULD
GET YOUR STORIES STRAIGHT, HOW

HUNTER BIDEN STARTED PIZZA GATE
OR HOW THIS CAN ALL BE TRACED

BACK TO ‐‐ TEXT IT TO ME SO THE
FEDS HAVE A RECORD.

I'LL BE BACK.
>> HE'S PROBABLY RIGHT ABOUT

GETTING OUR STORIES STRAIGHT.
>> YES, BECAUSE EVEN IF THEY'RE

NOT STRAIGHT NOW, THEY COULD
STILL BE CONVERTED TO STRAIGHT,

RIGHT?
[ APPLAUSE ]

>> YOU KNOW, THOUGH, THE OTHER
THING WE COULD DO IS JUST FLEE

THE COUNTRY.
THERE'S WHOLE LIST OF COUNTRIES

THAT WOULD LOVE TO HAVE US.
NORTH KOREA, SAUDI ARABIA.

END OF LIST.
>> I'M SORRY, WHO IS THIS GUY?

>> I'M THE PRESIDENT OF FINLAND.
>> OH, MY GOD.

YOU'RE STILL HERE?
FROM THE PRESS CONFERENCE?

>> YES.
MR. TRUMP KEPT SCREAMING AND

THEN HE JUST WALKED OFF AND I
DID NOT KNOW IF IT WAS OVER OR

WHAT.
>> YOU CAN GO.

YOU'RE GOOD TO GO.
>> WELL, I JUST WANT TO SAY THE

CONCEPT OF DIPLOMACY IS VERY
IMPORTANT.

>> OH, THAT'S CUTE.
HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M GOING TO WALK THIS GUY OUT.
SO WHAT'S FINLAND LIKE?

I MEAN TO LIVE IN.
>> IT'S NICE.

>> WAIT.
YOU'RE COMING BACK, RIGHT, MIKE?

BECAUSE IF THINGS GO BAD FOR
TRUMP, THEN I'M PRESIDENT.

>> OH, YEAH, YEAH, THAT'S GREAT,
THAT'S GOING TO WORK OUT JUST

GREAT.
I CAN'T WAIT FOR THAT TO HAPPEN.

AND HEY, IMPEACHMENT MOVES
PRETTY FAST.

IF YOU DON'T STOP AND LOOK
AROUND, MIGHT MISS IT.

[ APPLAUSE ]
>> WOW, IT LOOKS LIKE I'M HERE

ALL ALONE.
>> ACTUALLY, SIR, STEPHEN MILLER

WANTED TO TALK TO YOU.
>> OH.

FANTASTIC.
>> HERE HE IS.

>> OH, THANKS FOR COMING BY,
STEPHEN.

DO YOU HAVE ANY WAY OUT OF THIS
IMPEACHMENT?

OH, REALLY?
BIDEN, CORRUPTION?

OKAY, UH‐HUH.
GET NICOLAS CAGE TO STEAL THE

CONSTITUTION AND BLAME IT ON
IMMIGRANTS?

DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT WILL
WORK?

GOD, HE'S GOOD.
HE'S GOOD.

>> AND SPEAKING OF GOOD, RUDY
GIULIANI IS BACK FROM HIS

APPEARANCE ON FOX NEWS.
HE'S STILL IN STAGE MAKEUP.

>> I KILLED ON HANNITY.
>> DID YOU SAY KILLED?

>> THAT'S RIGHT, AND I'LL KILL
AGAIN.

>> LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
"SATURDAY NIGHT"!

♪♪♪
>> IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE"

WITH BECK BENNETT.
AIDY BRYANT.

MICHAEL CHE.
PETE DAVIDSON.

MIKEY DAY.
HEIDI GARDNER.

COLIN JOST.
KATE McKINNON.

ALEX MOFFAT.
KYLE MOONEY.

CHRIS REDD.
CECILY STRONG.

KENAN THOMPSON.
MELISSA VILLASENOR.

FEATURING CHLOE STEINMAN.
EGO NWODIM.

COLIN YANG.
MUSICAL GUEST, TAYLOR SWIFT.

AND YOUR HOST,
PHOEBE WALLER‐BRIDGE.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
PHOEBE WALLER‐BRIDGE.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> OH, MY GOSH.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
HELLO, EVERYONE.

MY NAME IS PHOEBE WALLER‐BRIDGE.
THANK YOU.

I'M HONORED TO BE HERE HOSTING
"SNL."

[ APPLAUSE ]
I'M FROM THE U. K., WHICH MEANS I

FIND EVERYTHING
EMBARRASSING.

AND THIS MONOLOGUE IS PROBABLY
THE MOST EMBARRASSING THING I'VE

EVER DONE.
AND STANDING IN FRONT OF A JAZZ

BAND IN HIGH HEELS, LIVE
TELEVISION, JOKING ABOUT MY

ACCOMPLISHMENTS ‐‐ ACTUALLY THAT
SOUNDS PRETTY FUN.

ANYWAY, WHEN I ASKED, DO WE HAVE
TO DO THIS BIT?

THEY SAID, YES, IT'S PART OF
YOUR VISA.

I WROTE AND ACTED IN A TV SHOW
CALLED "FLEABAG."

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
IT'S ABOUT A WOMAN WHO IS TRYING

TO NAVIGATE HER LIFE IN LONDON.
PEOPLE OFTEN ASSUME THAT I'M

LIKE THE CHARACTER, FLEABAG.
SIMPLY BECAUSE I WROTE IT.

SEXUALLY DEPRAVED, FOUL MOUTHED,
AND DANGEROUS.

AND I ALWAYS HAVE TO SAY, YES,
YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

IN FACT, EVERYTHING I WRITE HAS
A KEG OF TRUTH.

AND EVERY PROJECT IS DIFFERENT.
I'M NOT A SEX ADDICT BECAUSE I

WROTE "FLEABAG" BUT I DID WRITE
"KILLING EVE" BECAUSE I'M A

PSYCHOPATH.
MY MOST EXCITING EX‐BOYFRIEND

WROTE NOTHING BUT WAS BOTH.
[ APPLAUSE ]

IT'S A GREAT TIME TO BE A
PSYCHOPATH RIGHT NOW.

THEY'RE REALLY HAVING A MOMENT,
DON'T YOU THINK?

WHEN I WAS WRITING "KILLING
EVE," I DID A LOT OF RESEARCH ON

PSYCHOPATHS.
SO MUCH SO THAT I DID ACTUALLY

START TO BELIEVE THAT EVERYONE
IN MY LIFE WAS ONE.

I TOLD MY HOUSEMATE, I THINK YOU
MIGHT BE A PSYCHOPATH AND HE

RESPONDED IMMEDIATELY WITH, I
HAVE EMPATHY.

WHICH I FOUND A LITTLE
UNNERVING.

SO, YOU KNOW, SEXY.
"FLEABAG" CAME FROM A VERY, VERY

PERSONAL PLACE FOR ME.
IT BEGAN AS A WAY TO GET

ANDREW SCOTT TO DRESS UP AS A
PRIEST AND TELL ME THAT HE LOVES

ME.
IT TOOK ME SIX YEARS.

AND TWO
SEASONS TO ACHIEVE IT BUT I DID

IT.
I DON'T CARE ABOUT AWARDS, I

JUST
WANT GAY MEN TO LOVE ME.

I CALLED THE CHARACTER "PRIEST"
IN THE SCRIPT BUT EVERYONE

STARTED CALLING HIM "HOT
PRIEST."

OBVIOUSLY, ANDREW IS HOT.
BUT THIS PRIEST CHARACTER CAUSED

SUCH A HORN STORM.
ANDREW AND I WERE TRYING TO

FIGURE OUT WHAT IT WAS ABOUT HIM
THAT WAS DRIVING WOMEN SO

MENTAL.
AND WE BOILED IT DOWN AND

REALIZED, IT WAS BECAUSE HE WAS
DOING THIS ONE THING ‐‐

LISTENING.
[ APPLAUSE ]

JUST REALLY, REALLY LISTENING.
TRY IT, GUYS.

BUT
WE ALL FIND WEIRD THINGS SEXY.

AND WOMEN CAN NOW SPEAK MUCH
MORE OPENLY ABOUT THEIR DESIRES,

ABOUT BEING BURNED AT THE STAKE,
WHICH IS NICE.

I LOVE THAT.
BACK IN THE DAY, HORNY WOMEN

WERE TO BE FEARED AND NOW
THEY'RE GIVEN EMMYS.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
SEXUAL CONVERSATION FOR WOMEN

IS EXPANDING.
THE WEIRDER YOUR FANTASY, THE

MORE OPEN YOU ARE ABOUT IT, THE
COOLER YOU ARE.

OH,
YOU LOCKED YOUR HUSBAND IN THE

ATTIC?
ROCK ON, SISTER.

WHEREAS STRAIGHT MEN, THESE
DAYS, YOU ARE ALLOWED ONE

FANTASY.
IF YOU ARE LOOKING UP ANYTHING

OTHER THAN A WOMAN IN HER 30s
IN THE MISSIONARY POSITION,

YOU'RE A PERVERT.
BURN HIM!

FOR A WORLD OBSESSED WITH SEX,
IT'S KIND OF INCREDIBLE HOW

LITTLE ATTENTION WE ACTUALLY PAY
OUR GENITALS.

WHEN WE FOCUS ON THEM OR IF THEY
GET SICK OR SOMETHING, THEN IT'S

ALL ABOUT THEM.
THE REST OF THE TIME, THEY'RE

JUST SITTING THERE.
THEY'RE JUST SITTING THERE.

PATIENTLY.
LIKE ‐‐

I MEAN, JUST THINK ABOUT HOW
MANY OF THEM ARE IN THIS ROOM

RIGHT NOW.
THINK ABOUT ALL THE GENITALS ALL

ACROSS AMERICA, ON COUCHES,
RIGHT NOW.

JUST, LIKE ‐‐
SO, TO HONOR THEIR PATIENCE AT

HOME AND HERE, LET'S GIVE THEM A
GOOD TIME.

WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW TONIGHT.
TAYLOR SWIFT IS HERE.

SO STICK AROUND, WE'LL BE RIGHT
BACK.

♪♪♪
>>> IT'S TIME TO PLAY "WHAT'S

WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE?"
♪♪♪

[ APPLAUSE ]
>> WELCOME BACK TO ANOTHER

EDITION OF "WHAT'S WRONG WITH
THIS PICTURE?"

I'M ELLIOTT PANTS.
LET'S PLAY.

IT COULDN'T BE SIMPLER.
YOU LOOK AT THE PICTURE.

YOU TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG WITH
IT.

THE WINNER TAKES HOME A LIFETIME
SUPPLY OF TROJAN LILS.

TROJAN LILS.
BECAUSE YOURS STILL DOES WHAT

THE BIG ONES DO.
[ LAUGHTER ]

LET'S MEET OUR CONTESTANT GINA.
>> HI, I'M GINA.

[ LAUGHTER ]
>> I JUST SAID THAT.

THEO.
>> ARMED AND READY TO PLAY.

>> ARMED?
[ LAUGHTER ]

THAT WORRIES ME.
CARRIE.

>> I'M THE QUEEN LOOKING FOR HER
KING

WITH THE BLING‐BLING.
[ LAUGHTER ]

>> WELL, THIS IS NOT A DATING
SHOW.

ALRIGHT.
LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT OUR FIRST

PUZZLE, SHALL WE?
WHO CAN TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG

WITH THIS PICTURE?
♪♪♪

TAKE A HARD LOOK, GUYS.
SOMETHING IN THIS PICTURE ISN'T

QUITE RIGHT.
>> I KNOW.

>> GINA.
>> SOMETHING GAY HAPPENED IN THE

LAST PLAY.
AND NOW IT'S WEIGHING ON THE

WHOLE GAME.
[ LAUGHTER ]

>> WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
NO.

THEO.
>> I HATE TO SAY THIS BUT THE

SCORE IS 0, BECAUSE NUMBER 12 IS
SLOW.

NOT WITH LEGS.
UP HERE.

>> MY GOD, NO.
LOOK AT PLAYER NUMBER 10.

>> OH, I SEE.
THERE'S NO CRACK IN THE BOOTY.

THE POOP GOES OUT THE FRONT.
[ LAUGHTER ]

>> STOP IT.
SOMETHING SHOULDN'T BE THERE.

>> OH, NUMBER 3 IS
ELLEN DeGENERES.

[ LAUGHTER ]
AND SHE'S GOING TO MISS HER

SHOW.
BUT SHE DOESN'T CARE, BECAUSE

ELLEN LIVES TO HOOP.
[ LAUGHTER ]

>> LOOK AT NUMBER 10.
LOOK AT HIS BALL.

>> EW, YOU LOOK AT IT IF YOU
LIKE IT SO MUCH.

NOW YOU MADE ME FEEL WEIRD.
>> IT'S A SOCCER BALL.

ALL RIGHT.
THEO.

>> CHECK IT.
THE TEACHER'S HIS DAD.

HE KNOWS HE'S BEING DOUBT‐FIRED.
HE JUST DON'T KNOW WHERE IT GOES

FROM HERE.
[ LAUGHTER ]

>> FOR THE LOVE OF ‐‐
JUST LOOK, WHAT DO YOU SEE

THERE?
>> THE VIAGRA IS KICKING IN.

THE TEACHER TRICKED HIM.
[ LAUGHTER ]

>> WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?
>> OH, I KNOW.

TEACHER IS EXPLAINING THE
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN

HARVEY WEINSTEIN AND
AZIZ ANSARI.

[ LAUGHTER ]
THE STUDENT DOESN'T WANT TO HEAR

ABOUT IT ANYMORE.
>>I KNOW THE ANSWER.

TEACHER LET ONE RIP.
AND IT SOUNDED LIKE WORDS.

NOW HE FEELS LIKE HE HAS TO SAY
SOMETHING BACK.

[ LAUGHTER ]
>> NO.

THE DOORKNOB IS ON THE SAME SIDE
AS THE HINGES.

I FEEL LIKE YOU'RE DOING THIS ON
PURPOSE.

ALL RIGHT.
NEXT PICTURE, PLEASE.

>> HE POSTED A DEATH THREAT ON
FACEBOOK.

NOW SHE'S JUST WAITING FOR THE
LIGHTS TO ROLL IN.

[ LAUGHTER ]
>> THERE'S A SAW IN THE FRIDGE.

>> I KNOW.
SOMEONE'S TALKING TO HER ABOUT

EVOLUTION, BUT SHE'S CLOSING HER
EARS.

I DIDN'T COME FROM NO CHIMP.
I'M GOD'S LIL' GUY.

>> THERE'S A SAW IN THE FRIDGE.
>> I WOULD LIKE TO SOLVE THE

PUZZLE.
SHE'S LETTING THE DOG LICK HER

UNDER THE TABLE.
BUT DON'T WORRY, IT'S A STRAY SO

IT'S NOT AWKWARD.
[ LAUGHTER ]

>> OKAY.
ONE MORE BUT THEN WE'RE TAKING

YOU STRAIGHT HOME.
>> THERE'S TWO MOONS.

>> THAT'S RIGHT.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

>> AND GIRLFRIEND, THAT SUIT
DOES NOTHING FOR YOUR BODY.

LET US SEE YOUR ASS.
>> HONEY, YOUR BRAIN IS BAD.

>> I LOVE THAT YOU SAID THAT.
I'M TAKING YOU TO THE MAKEOUT

ROOM.
I'M GOING TO GRAB SOME TROJAN

LILS.
>> THIS IS NOT A DATING SHOW.

WE GOT TO START VETTING THESE
PEOPLE.

♪♪♪
[ APPLAUSE ]

[ APPLAUSE ]
>>> IT'S LOVE ISLAND, THE

UK REALITY STATION THAT AMERICA
IS OBSESSING OVER.

IT TURNS OUT THEY ALSO HAVE
100% PURE GRADE TRASH JUST LIKE

US.
LET'S MEET THE ISLANDERS.

>> I'M 22 IN LIVERPOOL.
YES.

BUT IF I WERE IN THE STATES, I'D
BE 41.

[ LAUGHTER ]
>> I'M FROM ESSEX.

MY DAD IS A BOXER AND MY MUM IS
A PUB.

JUST GOT MY LIPS DONE.
I ASKED THE DOCTOR FOR AN

ALLERGIC REACTION.
>> I'M FROM MURDER SUICIDE,

ENGLAND.
I'VE GOT TWO MORE YEARS FOR MY

FACE TO CATCH UP TO MY LIVE.
>> I'M FROM THE PART OF IRELAND

WHERE THE SOIL IS BONES.
>> CALL ME FINLEY.

I'M FROM SCOTLAND BUT I'M ALSO
ITALIAN.

SO MY FATHER IS BASICALLY THE
SCARIEST GUY YOU'VE SEEN IN YOUR

LIFE.
>> I'M JUST LOOKING FOR A LADY,

LIKE A CHEAP ONE, FOR THE REST
OF MY LIFE.

>> THEY CALL ME MACKENZIE.
AND I'M LOOKING FOR THE PERFECT

GUY, BECAUSE THERE'S ABSOLUTELY
NOTHING WRONG WITH ME.

[ LAUGHTER ]
>> WATCH THE HOTTEST PEOPLE FROM

THE WORST TOWNS IMMEDIATELY
COUPLE UP WITH SOMEONE BOSSED ON

NOTHING.
>> I WOULD LIKE TO COUPLE UP

WITH A GUY WHO'S EXACTLY MY TYPE
ON PAPER.

HE'S GOT TATTOOS.
HE'S GOT REALLY GREAT BANTER.

HE'S PROPER FIT.
BUT AT THE SAME TIME, I WOULD GO

WITH ANYBODY.
EXCEPT YOU.

[ LAUGHTER ]
>> HI.

>> OH.
YOU'VE GOT GREAT HAIR.

>> YOU'VE HEARD AN ENGLISH
ACCENT.

YOU'VE HEARD AN IRISH ACCENT.
NOW HEAR ALL THE LITTLE WEIRDIES

IN BETWEEN.
>> HE SCRATCHING ON HIS HEAD.

AND I'M LIKE ‐‐
[ SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE ]

>> WHAT?
>> THAT'S RIGHT, THEY DON'T EVEN

UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER.
TUNE IN AS THEY FACE CHALLENGES

LIKE GETTING UP FROM A BEANBAG.
[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU WILL WATCH 50 HOURS OF THIS.
YOU THINK YOU WON'T, BUT YOU

WILL.
>> I'M REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO

SLEEPING WITH ALL MY NEW
FRIENDS.

AND I MIGHT EVEN GET IN THE
WEE

PUDDLE.
[ LAUGHTER ]

>> YOU'LL INVEST IN VULNERABLE
MOMENTS LIKE WHEN THE GIRLS TAKE

THEIR MAKEUP OFF.
>> YOU KNOW, I PUT SO MUCH

BRONZER ON I THINK I MIGHT BE
DOING BROWNFACE.

IS THIS A HATE CRIME?
>> THAT'S NOT BAD, IS IT?

I LOOK REALLY DIFFERENT WITHOUT
ME MAKEUP ON 'CAUSE OF THE

CONTOUR.
[ LAUGHTER ]

>> SHE'S A REALLY NICE GIRL, BUT
I THINK HER FACE MIGHT BE A

SONG.
>> WHAT?

>> AT ANY POINT SOMEONE MAY BE
FORCED TO LEAVE THE VILLA AND

TURN IN THEIR GIANT MICROPHONE.
>> THIS BIRD AND I GOT GREAT

CRACK.
SHE'S GOT A GREAT PERSONALITY.

BUT MOSTLY OF ALL THE GIRLS
HERE, SHE WAS THE MOST BIKINI.

FOR A PERSON I WOULD LIKE TO
COUPLE UP ‐‐

GRACE.
>> I KNEW IT, I KNEW IT.

I KNEW IT.
>> HOPPING SPIT IN MY FACE.

I'M ABSOLUTELY GUTTED.
[ PHONE CHIMES ]

ARE YOU JOKING?
1.10 MILLION INSTAGRAM

FOLLOWERS.
I DON'T HAVE TO BE A STUPID

PEDIATRIC NURSE ANYMORE, DO I?
CHA‐CHING.

>> LOVE ISLAND NOW AVAILABLE

>> ALL RIGHT, WELCOME BACK TO
WAMU MIDDAY NEWS.

>> COMING UP, THE MAYOR'S OFFICE
ANNOUNCED A BOLD NEW PLAN TO

REVAMP THE CITY'S
INFRASTRUCTURE.

>> AND IT'S ABOUT TIME.
BUT FIRST, YET ANOTHER GAS

STATION HAS FALLEN PREY TO AN
ARMED ROBBERY.

A SHELL STATION IN THE 4,000
BLOCK OF PULASKI HIGHWAY WAS

ROBBED AROUND 11:45 A. M. THIS
MORNING MAKING THAT A TOTAL OF

7 GAS STATIONS TO BE ATTACKED IN
THE LAST WEEK.

>> SHEESH.
SCARY STUFF.

>> AND WE'RE TOLD THE SUSPECT
REMAINS AT LARGE.

BUT AUTHORITIES BELIEVE THAT
THEY NOW HAVE A CREDIBLE

DESCRIPTION OF THE PERP.
THE SUSPECT DESCRIBED AS A WHITE

MALE.
>> WOO!

>> LOVE IT!

LOVE IT!
[ LAUGHTER ]

>> SORRY, WHAT ARE YOU
CELEBRATING?

>> OH, NOTHING.
WE'RE JUST GLAD THAT WE KNOW

WHAT THE CRIMINAL LOOKS LIKE.
[ LAUGHTER ]

AND HE AIN'T ONE OF US.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING

ABOUT?
>> YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M THINKING?
>> ANYWAY, THE SUSPECT ‐‐

>> WHITE GUY.
[ LAUGHTER ]

>> WAS LAST SPOTTED FLEEING THE
SCENE ON FOOT.

SO ANYONE WITH INFORMATION IS
ASKED TO CONTACT THE MPD

IMMEDIATELY.
>> YES, HELP US CATCH THIS WHITE

CRIMINAL.
[ LAUGHTER ]

>>> IN OTHER NEWS, A PONZI
SCHEME HAS SHAKEN SOME OF

MIAMI'S WEALTHIEST RESIDENTS.
>> OKAY, THAT'S ONE OF Y'ALL'S

FOR SURE.
[ LAUGHTER ]

>> CLEMET SMITH OF CLEMET SMITH
INVESTMENT SECURITIES IS ACCUSED

OF COMMITTING THIS EGREGIOUS
WHITE COLLAR CRIME.

>> IT'S RIGHT THERE IN THE NAME.
>> SMITH IS SAID TO HAVE BEEN

OPERATING A MULTI‐BILLION DOLLAR
PONZI SCHEME.

>> NOW YOU KNOW BLACK PEOPLE
AIN'T GOT THAT KIND OF MONEY.

>> HE WAS ARRESTED THIS MORNING
IN BOCA RATON.

AND LOOK AT THAT.
HE'S BLACK.

[ LAUGHTER ]
>> REALLY, WHAT?

>> OKAY, SO I GUESS WE TIED.
[ LAUGHTER ]

ONE OF OURS FOR ONE OF YOURS.
>> THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

NO ONE'S KEEPING SCORE.
OKAY.

WE HAVE AN UPDATE ON THAT
TROPICAL STORM WE'VE BEEN

TRACKING.
LET'S HEAR FROM WAMU WEATHERMAN

DENNIS JONES.
DENNIS?

>> THANKS, PAM.
WE'VE BEEN PREVIOUSLY CALLING A

TROPICAL STORM.
IT'S NOW UPGRADED TO A CATEGORY

4 HURRICANE, AS YOU SEE HERE,
DESTROYING EVERYTHING IN ITS

PATH WITH INCREDIBLE HIGH WINDS.
WE'RE CALLING THIS ONE

HURRICANE CHET.
AND THAT'S A WHITE MAN'S NAME IF

I EVER HEARD ONE.
>> I KNEW IT.

I KNEW IT.
I KNEW IT.

>> THAT MAKES TWO OF Y'ALL, ONE
OF US.

WE IN THE LEAD, BACK IN THE
GAME.

GANG GANG.
>> GANG GANG.

[ LAUGHTER ]
>> NO WAY.

THAT DOES NOT COUNT.
HURRICANES ARE NOT WHITE.

>> UNLESS THEY'RE NAMED CHET.
>> CAN WE MOVE ON FROM THIS

PETTY GAME, PLEASE?
>> BECAUSE Y'ALL LOSING.

>> OH, HOW CONVENIENT.
>> LET'S JUST GET BACK TO THE

NEWS.
A FT. LAUDERDALE MAN WAS

APPREHENDED OUTSIDE OF A ‐‐
CRACKER BARREL.

>> MHM.
KEEP GOING.

[ LAUGHTER ]
>> ‐‐ FOR CUTTING BRAKE LINES ON

A DOZEN BIRD‐SCOOTERS.
>> YOU KNOW ONLY WHITE PEOPLE

GOT THAT KIND OF TIME.
>> OKAY.

YEAH.
SO HE'S WHITE, SO WHAT?

>> SO NOW WE'RE DOWN TO ONE.
>> NOT LOOKING TO GOOD FOR Y'ALL

TODAY.

IN OTHER NEWS, A SHOPPER WAS
APPREHENDED BY SECURITY AT

OCEANSIDE MALL FOR ASSAULTING A
MAN WHO STEPPED ON HIS AIR

JORDAN'S.
[ LAUGHTER ]

>> OH, I'M SORRY.
DID YOU SAY AIR JORDAN'S?

>> OH, THAT'S BLACK FOR SURE.
>> DAMN.

>> I KNEW IT.
>> I KNEW IT AS SOON AS I SAW

IT.
>> RIGHT.

>> OKAY.
AND HOW ABOUT THIS ONE?

>> A LOCAL WOMAN ATTACKED A
CASHIER AT A NAIL SHOP AFTER

THEY REFUSED TO TAKE HER WELFARE
CARD.

>> OH, MY LORD.
[ LAUGHTER ]

>> POLICE SAY THEY'RE LOOKING
FOR A 19‐YEAR‐OLD WHITE ‐‐

DAMN IT!
[ LAUGHTER ]

>> THAT'S THREE, BABY!
>> OKAY.

OKAY, WE'LL GET THAT BACK.
>> ALL RIGHT POLICE ‐‐POLICE SAY

A LATINO MAN ‐‐
>> SKIP THAT ONE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

HOW ABOUT THIS?
HOW ABOUT A MAN ON A ROCK

CLIMBING TRIP WAS MAULED BY A
BISON FOR THE SECOND TIME IN

THREE MONTHS.
SEE, Y'ALL DON'T LEARN.

Y'ALL DON'T LIKE TO LEARN.
>> JUST KEEP READING.

>> THIS INCIDENT HAPPENED IN THE
UTAH NATIONAL STATE PARK.

>> NOT LOOKING GOOD.
>> THE FAMILY OF THE MAN NOW

IDENTIFIED AS LAQUAN TANKIN.
BABY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

>> WHAT AN UPSET.
>> I MEAN A LAQUAN?

ROCK CLIMBING?
IN UTAH?

[ LAUGHTER ]
>> ALL RIGHT.

NEXT ONE TAKES THIS.

A MAN DRESSED AS THE JOKER ‐‐
DAMN IT!

[ LAUGHTER ]
>> WOO!

>> GOOD GAME.
GOOD GAME.

>> YOU'RE WATCHING THE
HISTORY CHANNEL.

COMING UP AT 8:00, "HELL ON
WHEELS: HITLER'S SECRET SUPER

CAR."
BUT NOW, IT'S "THE WAR IN WORDS:

LETTERS FROM THE FRONT."
>> THE LETTERS OF ENGLISH

FIGHTERPILOT WILLIAM MACINTOSH
OF THE ROYAL AIR FORCE TO HIS

WIFE, LYDIA.
>> MY DEAREST LYDIA, EVER SINCE

WE CROSSED THE CHANNEL TO
FRANCE, I HAVE SEEN NOTHING BUT

DEATH AND DESTRUCTION.
YET

IN THIS DARKNESS, YOU PROVIDE
LIGHT.

THOUGH I MAY BE IN HELL, YOU ARE
MY PERFECT ANGEL.

YOUR HUSBAND, WILLIAM.
>> DEAR WILLIAM, THANK YOU.

LOVE, LYDIA.
>> MY DEAR WIFE, YOU'RE WELCOME.

IN FUTURE LETTERS, THOUGH, IF
EVER AT A LOSS FOR WORDS, PLEASE

FIND SOME.
FOR YOUR WORDS REMIND ME OF THE

HOME I MISS SO DEARLY.
HOW I LONG TO SEE YOU AND OUR

SON.
I EVEN MISS THAT RAMBUNCTIOUS

DOG OF OURS.
YOURS, WILLIAM.

>> DEAR WILLIAM.
I MISS OUR DOG, TOO.

LOVE, LYDIA.
>> MY DEAR LYDIA.

WHY DO YOU MISS OUR DOG?
IS HE NOT WITH YOU AT HOME?

PLEASE SEND WORD THAT HE'S OKAY.
AND ALSO SEND SOME TOKEN OF YOUR

AFFECTION SO THAT I MAY BE
REMINDED OF YOU AND OUR SON

ALWAYS.
YOURS, WILLIAM.

>> DEAR WILLIAM.
I AM ENCLOSING A LOCK OF MY

HAIR.
HOLD IT CLOSE AND BE SAFE.

LOVE, LYDIA.
>> LYDIA, DEAREST.

PERHAPS YOU HAVE BEEN TOO
GENEROUS WITH YOUR GIFT OF HAIR.

YOU HAVE SENT ME A VAST AMOUNT.
HAVE YOU SHORN YOUR HEAD

COMPLETELY BALD?
CONCERNED, WILLIAM.

>> WILLIAM, HA‐HA, NO.
LOVE, LYDIA.

P.S., GIVE OUR DOG A RUB ON THE
BELLY FOR ME.

>> LYDIA, I DO NOT HAVE OUR DOG.
HE'S CLEARLY RUN OFF.

AS IF THE DAY COULD NOT GET
WORSE, MY DEAR FRIEND

CHRISTOPHER WAS KILLED ON
PATROL.

THE YOUNG FRENCH WOMAN WHO CARED
FOR HIM IN HIS FINAL MOMENTS

TOLD ME HE DIED HONORABLY.
A SHAME.

LOVE, WILLIAM.
>> WILLIAM, SO WHO'S THIS FRENCH

BITCH YOU'RE TALKING TO?
YOUR WIFE, LYDIA.

>> LYDIA, MY DEAR!
THERE IS NO CAUSE FOR JEALOUSY.

I ONLY HAVE EYES FOR YOU, LOVE.
MY ABSENCE IS CLEARLY WEIGHING

ON YOU.
PERHAPS A WEEKEND AWAY WOULD

RAISE YOUR SPIRITS.
DEVOTEDLY, WILLIAM.

>> WILLIAM, I TOOK YOUR ADVICE
AND WENT ON A LITTLE TRIP.

AND WOULD YOU BELIEVE, THERE WAS
A NEWSREEL CAMERA AT MY HOTEL.

I'M SPENDING A COPY OF THE FILM.
ENJOY THE SHOW.

YOUR MOVIE STAR WIFE, LYDIA.
>> MY GOD, LYDIA!

I CANNOT BELIEVE WHAT I'VE JUST
SEEN.

YOU APPEAR TO BE PALLING AROUND
WITH

ADOLF HITLER AND HIS FRIENDS AS
IF YOU WERE ONE OF THE GANG.

WHAT LED TO THIS?
I DEMAND AN EXPLANATION.

YOUR HORRIFIED HUSBAND, WILLIAM.
>> DEAR WILLIAM, OH, I SEE.

SO WHEN YOU TALK TO SOME FRENCH
WHORE, IT'S NOTHING, MOVE ON.

BUT WHEN I GO TO A PARTY WHERE
THERE HAPPENS TO BE A MAN, IT'S,

"I DEMAND AN EXPLANATION."
>> YES, BECAUSE IT'S HITLER!

>> I AM ONLY GLAD YOUR FATHER IS
NOT ALIVE TO SEE WHAT A

HYPOCRITE YOU'VE BECOME.
LOVE, LYDIA.

>> DARLING LYDIA, HAS MY FATHER
PASSED AWAY?

THIS IS THE FIRST I'M HEARING OF
THIS.

HOW DID HE GO?
ALSO STILL RABIDLY CURIOUS ABOUT

THE HITLER OF IT ALL.
ANSWER, PLEASE.

WILLIAM.
>> WILLIAM, I THINK YOUR FATHER

DIED OF A
BROKEN HEART.

HE JUST COULDN'T BEAR TO GO ON
WITHOUT YOUR MOTHER.

LOVE, LYDIA.
>> MY MOTHER PASSED

AS WELL?
DARLING, I DO NOT THINK WE

SHOULD WRITE TO EACH OTHER
ANYMORE.

BUT KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU AND OUR
SON DEARLY.

GIVE HIM A KISS FOR ME AND TELL
HIM TO BE A BRAVE LAD.

LOVE, WILLIAM.
>> WILLIAM, TELL HIM YOURSELF.

LOVE, LYDIA.
>> WHY WOULD YOU SEND OUR

5‐YEAR‐OLD SON TO A WAR ZONE?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
TAYLOR SWIFT!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪♪♪

♪ WE COULD LEAVE THE
CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP TILL

JANUARY THIS IS OUR PLACE
WE MAKE THE RULES ♪

♪ AND THERE'S A DAZZLING
HAZE A MYSTERIOUS WAY ABOUT

YOU DEAR HAVE I KNOWN YOU
20 SECONDS OR 20 YEARS ♪

♪ CAN I GO WHERE YOU GO
CAN WE ALWAYS BE THIS CLOSE

FOREVER AND EVER ♪
♪ TAKE ME OUT

TAKE ME HOME
YOU'RE MY MY MY

MY LOVER ♪

♪♪♪

♪ WE COULD LET OUR FRIENDS
CRASH IN THE LIVING ROOM

THIS IS OUR PLACE
WE MAKE THE CALL ♪

♪ AND I'M HIGHLY SUSPICIOUS
THAT EVERYONE WHO SEES YOU

WANTS YOU I'VE LOVED YOU
THREE SUMMERS NOW ♪

♪ HONEY BUT
I WANT 'EM ALL ♪

♪ CAN I GO WHERE YOU GO
CAN WE ALWAYS BE THIS CLOSE

FOREVER AND EVER ♪
♪ AND AH TAKE ME OUT

TAKE ME HOME
YOU'RE MY MY MY

MY LOVER ♪
♪ LADIES AND GENTLEMEN

WILL YOU PLEASE STAND
WITH EVERY GUITAR STRING

SCAR ON MY HAND ♪
♪ I TAKE THIS MAGNETIC FORCE

OF A MAN TO BE MY LOVER
MY HEART'S BEEN BORROWED

AND YOURS HAS BEEN BLUE ♪
♪ ALL'S WELL THAT ENDS WELL

TO END UP WITH YOU
SWEAR TO BE OVERDRAMATIC

AND TRUE TO MY LOVER ♪
♪ AND YOU'LL SAVE ALL YOUR

DIRTIEST JOKES FOR ME
AT EVERY TABLE I'LL SAVE

YOU A SEAT ♪
♪ CAN I GO WHERE YOU GO

CAN WE ALWAYS BE THIS CLOSE
FOREVER AND EVER ♪

♪ AND YOU TAKE ME OUT
AND TAKE ME HOME

♪ YOU'RE MY MY MY MY
OH YOU'RE MY MY MY MY

DARLING YOU'RE MY MY MY
MY LOVER ♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪♪♪
>> Announcer: IT'S

"WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST
AND MICHAEL CHE.

CHEERS
>> THANK YOU.

GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE.
>> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE."

I'M MICHAEL CHE.
>> I'M COLIN JOST.

AS IMPEACHMENT GAINS MOMENTUM,
PRESIDENT TRUMP SAID HE MAY STOP

REFERRING TO THE MEDIA AS "FAKE
NEWS" AND START CALLING THEM

"CORRUPT NEWS."
AND THE MEDIA SAYS THEY MAY STOP

REFERRING TO HIM AS
"PRESIDENT TRUMP" AND START

CALLING HIM
"FORMER‐PRESIDENT TRUMP."

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
TRUMP BRUSHED OFF ANY CONCERNS

ABOUT IMPEACHMENT SAYING, "I'M
USED TO IT.

IT'S LIKE PUTTING ON A SUIT."
MEANING IT'S A MASSIVE DAILY

STRUGGLE THAT TAKES UP MOST OF
HIS MORNINGS.

>>> THIS WEEK WE ALSO STARTED
SEEING EVIDENCE OF THE WHITE

HOUSE COVERING UP THE UKRAINE
SCANDAL, LIKE ONE NOT AT ALL

SUSPICIOUS TEXT THAT SAID, THERE
ARE NO QUID PRO QUOS OF ANY

KIND.
UNFORTUNATELY THE NEXT TEXT WAS

THE WINK EMOJI, CASH EMOJI,
CRAZY WINK EMOJI, AND THEN THE

GIULIANI EMOJI.

>>> TRUMP KEEPS SAYING THERE WAS
NO QUID PRO QUO, WHICH TELLS ME

THAT THERE WAS MAD QUID PRO QUO.
WHENEVER A GUY WITH LIKE A

30‐WORD VOCABULARY STARTS
30‐WORD VOCABULARY STARTS

QUOTING THE LAW IN LATIN IT'S
BECAUSE HE BREAKS THE LAW ALL

THE TIME.
THAT'S ONLY SOMETHING YOU CAN

LEARN THE HARD WAY.
THERE'S GUYS THAT CAN BARELY

COUNT BUT CAN SOMEHOW TELL YOU
EXACTLY HOW MUCH COCAINE

YOU CAN CARRY BEFORE IT'S
CONSIDERED TRAFFICKING.

THAT'S THREE GRAMS, BY THE WAY.
>>> THEN TRUMP PUBLICALLY ASKED

CHINA TO INVESTIGATE JOE BIDEN,
BECAUSE APPARENTLY TRUMP THINKS

THAT'S WHAT PRESIDENTS DO.
>> THIS WAS NOT ABOUT POLITICS.

THIS IS ABOUT CORRUPTION.
AND IF YOU LOOK AND YOU READ OUR

CONSTITUTION AND MANY OTHER
THINGS, WE ‐‐

I HAVE AN OBLIGATION TO LOOK AT
CORRUPTION.

I HAVE AN ACTUAL OBLIGATION AND
A DUTY.

>> FIRST OF ALL, YOU'RE
SCREAMING.

JUST A THOUGHT, MAYBE DON'T HOLD
ALL YOUR PRESS CONFERENCES NEXT

TO AN ACTIVE HELICOPTER.
ALSO YOU'RE GOING AFTER

JOE BIDEN FOR CORRUPTION?
I MEAN, THE GUY STILL LIVES IN

DELAWARE.
HE TAKES A TRAIN EVERY SINGLE

DAY.
IF HAS A STEALING BILLIONS OF

DOLLARS,
HE'S WAITING A LONG TIME TO

SPEND IT.
>>> TRUMP HASN'T BEEN HANDLING

THIS IMPEACHMENT NEWS WELL.
HE'S BEEN ON A TWITTER RAMPAGE.

HE'S OPENLY CALLED FOR CHINA TO
INVESTIGATE JOE BIDEN.

IT ALSO CAME OUT THAT TRUMP
SUGGESTED ADDING A MOAT FILLED

WITH ALLIGATORS AND SNAKES TO
HIS PROPOSED BORDER WALL.

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO ASK THIS,
BUT ARE WE SURE THAT IT'S OKAY

TO MAKE FUN OF THIS GUY?
[ APPLAUSE ]

DID YOU EVER READ "OF MICE AND
MEN"?

REMEMBER HOW LENNY WAS REALLY
STRONG?

WHAT IF TRUMP IS REALLY STRONG?
I'VE GOT A COUSIN WHO IS ALSO

VERY STRONG.
HE LOVES AIL I OR ‐‐

ALLIGATORS TOO.
BUT WE DON'T MAKE FUN OF HIM.

TRUMP TWEETED 800 TIMES IN THE
PAST MONTH.

FOR CONTEXT, CHRISSY TEIGEN
TWEETED 218 TIMES.

NOT A POLITICAL EXPERT, BUT I
FEEL LIKE THE PRESIDENT SHOULD

BE BUSIER THAN CHRISSY TEIGEN.
BUT IF THE PRESIDENT IS AS

STRONG AS I THINK HE IS, THEN
GOOD JOB, BIG FELLA.

[ APPLAUSE ]
>>> TWITTER REMOVED AN

ANTI‐JOE BIDEN NICKELBACK MEME
POSTED BY THE PRESIDENT.

>> SEE, HE'S STRONG.
>>WHICH IS A SENTENCE THAT IF

YOU HAD SAID IT AT ANY OTHER
TIME IN HISTORY, WOULD HAVE

MEANT THAT YOU WERE IN THE
MIDDLE OF A STROKE.

I ALSO WANT TO POINT OUT THAT
NICKELBACK IS CANADIAN.

SO TRUMP WAS STILL TECHNICALLY
USING FOREIGNERS TO GO AFTER

JOE BIDEN.
[ APPLAUSE ]

>>> IN THE THIRD QUARTER OF THIS
YEAR, BERNIE SANDERS RAISED $25

MILLION AND THEN DID WHAT ANY
78‐YEAR‐OLD WOULD DO AFTER

WINNING $25 MILLION, HE HAD A
HEART ATTACK.

HEART ATTACK.
>> OH, MAN.

>> OH, MAN.
>>> SENATOR ELIZABETH WARREN HAS

RAISED OVER $24 MILLION IN THE
PAST THREE MONTHS.

HERE TO COMMENT IS SENATOR
ELIZABETH WARREN.

>> HI, SENATOR.
SO YOU RAISED ALL OF THIS MONEY

WITHOUT ANY CORPORATE DONATIONS,
IS THAT RIGHT?

>> THAT'S RIGHT.
THAT'S GREAT ROOTS.

AND GUESS WHAT, MAMA LOVES TO
GARDEN.

THAT'S WHY I SPEND FOUR HOURS
TAKING SELFIES AND UNWIND BY

CALLING ALL MY SMALL DONORS TO
PERSONALLY THANK THEM.

>> I ASSUME YOU DO THAT ON
INSTAGRAM.

>> YES, I'M CALLING PEOPLE LIKE
JANET IN ST. LOUIS WHO SENT ME A

$2 CHECK AND A BOGO COUPON FROM
DUANE READE.

MIND IF I GIVE HER A CALL NOW?
>> IT'S NOT THE BEST TIME.

>> RIGHT.
JANET, HI, IT'S ELIZABETH

WARREN.
OH, IT'S BAD TIME?

OKAY, BYE.
THAT'S JANET.

OH, DO YOU MIND IF I DO A
THOUSAND MORE?

>> NO, WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR A
THOUSAND, I'M SORRY.

THERE'S BEEN SOME BIG MONEY
DONORS FOR DEMOCRATS WHO SAY

THEY WOULD RATHER VOTE FOR TRUMP
THAN YOU.

>> YOU'RE KIDDING ME.
WHAT!

THE BILLIONAIRES DON'T LIKE ME?
OH, NO!

LOOK, I'M GOING TO TELL THEM THE
SAME THING MY GRANDSON TOLD ME

WHEN HE TOOK ME TO "AVENGERS
INFINITY WAR."

THIS AIN'T FOR YOU.
THAT'S WHY YOU DON'T LIKE IT.

BUT THEN AGAIN, TAKING BIG
CHECKS FROM WALL STREET WORKED

GREAT FOR THE LAST LADY RUNNING
FOR PRESIDENT.

LET ME JUST SKIP WISCONSIN AND
CHANGE MY NAME TO EMAIL BENGHAZI

WHILE I'M AT IT.
>> WHO'S UP THERE?

YOU'VE ALSO BEEN IN THE NEWS
BECAUSE A FRINGE CONSPIRACY

THEORIST ACCUSED OF YOU HAVING A
BDSM RELATIONSHIP WITH A

24‐YEAR‐OLD MARINE.
>> THAT'S ELIZABETH WARREN'S

VIBES FOR SURE.
TRANSACTIONAL SEX WITH A YOUNGER

MAN.
LOOK, RUMORS HAVE POWER WHEN

THEY FEEL TRUE.
WHAT HAS EVER FELT LESS TRUE

THAN ANY SINGLE PART OF THAT?
IF YOU THINK I'M IN A ROOM WITH

A VETERAN AND I DON'T
IMMEDIATELY THANK HIM FOR HIS

SERVICE AND MAKE SURE HE'S
GETTING HIS VA BENEFITS, YOU'RE

CRAZY.
ALSO, 24?

ANY MAN YOUNGER THAN ME BY ONE
DAY IS MY GRANDSON.

BUT PART OF THAT IS TRUE.
I AM INTO BDSM.

BANK‐DESTROYING, AND SAVING
MEDICARE.

WOO!
SO OK, I WANT TO SAY THANK YOU

TO ALL OF MY DONORS LIKE BETH IN
ORLANDO WHO SENT ME THIS HASTILY

NEEDLEPOINTED PILLOW THAT SAYS,
"NEVERTHELESS SHE PERSISTS."

OR LINDA IN DES MOINES WHO SENT
ME THIS SCARY DOLL OF MYSELF.

FINALLY, I'M GOING TO CALL A
YOUNG GENTLEMAN NAMED MICHAEL IN

NEW YORK.
[ TELEPHONE RINGING ]

>> HELLO?
>> MIKE, IT'S ELIZABETH WARREN.

THANKS FOR THE TEN G'S.
>> NO PROBLEM.

>> WAIT, YOU DONATED TEN GRAND
TO ELIZABETH WARREN?

>> YA ELIZABETH WARREN EVERYONE

[ APPLAUSE ]
>>> A NUMBER OF COMPANIES HAVE

STARTED OFFERING PLANT BASED DOG
FOOD OPTIONS, PERFECT FOR ANYONE

WHO WANTS TO PICK UP LIQUID
DUKIE WITH A PLASTIC BAG.

>>> LAWYERS FOR R. KELLY, WHO IS
BEING HELD WITHOUT BAIL, ARE

COMPLAINING THAT THE SINGER IS
ONLY ALLOWED TO VISIT WITH ONE

FEMALE AT A TIME.
ESPECIALLY BECAUSE IT CONFLICTS

WITH THEIR MIDDLE SCHOOL.
>>> A NEW STUDY SUGGESTS THAT

FATHERS TO BE SHOULD STOP
DRINKING ALCOHOL SIX MONTHS

BEFORE TRYING TO CONCEIVE A
CHILD.

THE STUDY'S GOAL WAS TO END
IRELAND.

>>> A MANHATTAN ATTORNEY HAS
FILED A $100,000 LAWSUIT AGAINST

A BATTING CAGE COMPANY AFTER A
FAULTY MACHINE FILED A FASTBALL

INTO HIS LEFT TESTICLE.
I GUESS, BALL ONE.

>> A NEW STUDY FOUND CATS BOND
WITH PEOPLE LIKE DOGS DO BUT

THEY'RE TOO ALOOF TO SHOW IT.
WHICH IS WHY I NAMED MY CAT

"DAD."
[ APPLAUSE ]

[ APPLAUSE ]
>>> NEXT WEEK CHINA IS SET TO

SEND DIPLOMATS TO DISCUSS THE
TRADE WAR.

HERE IS CHEN BIAO.
>>.

[ SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE ]
>> HEY, I'M SORRY, DO YOU SPEAK ENGLISH?

>>YES FLUENTLY. THAT'S WHAT'S
CALLED A POWERMOVE.

WHAT'S UP CHE?

>>SO AS THE CHINESE TRADE REPRESENTATIVE
THIS MUST BE A STRESSFUL TIME

>> YOU INCREASE TAXES ON OUR
IMPORTS AND I INCREASE TAXES ON

YOURS.
MEANWHILE I'M IN THE MIDDLE

OF IT ALL AND YOU KNOW I
HATE THE ATTENTION

JK I'M BALLING OUT
RIGHT NOW

BECAUSE I'M THE TOP TARIFF TASK
MASTER.

>> THIS WAS NOT THE ATTITUDE I
WAS EXPECTING FROM A TOP CHINESE

OFFICIAL.
>> THIS IS MY TIME

I'M HAVING MY MOMENT
I'M BASICALLY THE LIZZO

OF CHINA RIGHT NOW.
AND TURNS OUT THAT EVERYONE IS

TEXT ME ON WE CHAT.
I JUST LEAVE THEM ON RED.

BECAUSE I'M BOOKED
AND BLESSED

>> CHINA CAN'T KEEP THIS GOING
PHOTOGRAPHER.

>> OH, YEAH?
YOU NEED US MORE THAN WE NEED

YOU BECAUSE WE CAN SURVIVE
WITHOUT YOUR MOVIE STARRING THE

ROCK.
BUT GOOD LUCK WITHOUT iPHONES,

HOW CAN YOU TEXT US IN THE
MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT SAYING, CAN

YOU INVESTIGATE JOE BIDEN FOR
ME?

>> AMERICANS ARE AFRAID THE
TRADE WAR MIGHT CAUSE RECESSION.

>> NO WAY.
SAVE SOME OF YOUR TEMPEH FOR US.

>> WHO IS MACKENZIE?
>> PROBABLY SOME SOPHOMORE AT

VASSAR WHO DRINKS OUT OF A METAL
STRAW AND IT'S SUCH A

PERFORMANCE.
>> U. S. TARIFFS ON CHINA ARE

GOING UP 30%.
>> 30%, WHO CARES?

LOOK, THIS TRADE WAR IS TIT FOR
TAT, BABIES.

AND IN CHINA WE GOT SOME TIG OLD
BITTIES.

>> DO YOU PLAN ON BEING IN THIS
MODE AT THE WHITE HOUSE LAST

WEEK?
>> LOOK, DON DON, YOU WANT TO

PLAY BALL WITH BIG RED?
WE ACTUALLY BUILT OUR WALL.

AND WE MEASURE TIME IN SEASONS
BUT YOU MEASURE IT IN SEASONS OF

"GRAY'S ANATOMY."
[ APPLAUSE ]

SO STEP TO THIS AND I'LL
STEP BACK IN MY

LIMITED EDITION, LUNAR NEW YEAR
AIR JORDANS!

>>.CHEN BIAO.
>>I ACTUALLY LIKED HOBBES AND SHAW A LOT

[ APPLAUSE ]
>>> A MAN WHO DROVE HIS CAR TO A

MUSIC FESTIVAL STILL CANNOT
REMEMBER WHERE HE PARKED HIS CAR

A WEEK AFTER THE SHOW.
WE HOPE YOU MAKE IT BACK SOON,

PETE.
[ APPLAUSE ]

>>> RESIDENTS ON STATEN ISLAND
ARE UPSET WITH A LOCAL MAN WHO

KEEPS A PET HORSE IN HIS YARD
SAYING THE ANIMAL SMELLS AND

ATTRACTS FLIES.
YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE SMELLS AND

ATTRACTS FLIES?
STATEN ISLAND.

>>> TWO PEOPLE IN MICHIGAN
ACCESSED THE COMPUTER BILLBOARD

ALONG A HIGHWAY AND CHANGED A
DISPLAY TO SHOW A PORNOGRAPHIC

MOVIE.
AS A RESULT, POLICE SAY THERE

WERE A RECORD NUMBER OF
CARJACKINGS.

THAT WAS A SMART JOKE.
>> A REAL STINKER.

>>> AMERICA VOTES OVER 700 SUPER
CENTENARIANS AND MANY ARE MAKING

HEADLINES.
HERE WITH THE SUPER CENTENARIAN

NEWS IS HERE IS MORT FELDER.

>> HELLO, COLIN.
MY WIFE SAYS YOU LOOK LIKE A

YOUNG ERROL FLYNN.
>> GREAT.

SO YOU GOT SOME NEWS STORIES FOR
US, MORT?

>> YEAH, HERE ARE SOME THINGS
SUPER CENTENARIANS ARE UP TO.

LAST WEEK, 114‐YEAR‐OLD
HOWARD DONAHUE FINALLY ACHIEVED

HIS LIFELONG DREAM OF
EXPERIENCING THE WARM WATERS OF

HAWAII.
>> OH, WELL THAT'S FUN.

>> HIS ASHES WERE SPREAD NEAR
THE COAST ON SUNDAY.

HE WILL BE MISSED.
>> THAT'S NOT WHERE I THOUGHT

THAT STORY WAS GOING, MORT.
>> WELL, YEAH.

HOW ABOUT 111‐YEAR‐OLD
JAN BUTLER, COLIN, WHO BECAME

THE OLDEST LIVING PERSON TO TAKE
THE BAR EXAM LAST MONTH.

AND SHE PASSED ‐‐
>> GO, JAN!

>> ‐‐ AWAY, MOMENTS AFTER
COMPLETING THE TASK.

REST IN PEACE, JAN.
>> STILL AN ACCOMPLISHMENT FOR

HER.
>> YES, IT IS.

COLIN,
GUESS WHO, 115‐YEAR‐OLD

CLINT EASTWOOD SUPER FAN
EDA KERNS FINALLY MET?

>> CLINT EASTWOOD?
>> HER MAKER.

EDA PASSED PEACEFULLY IN HER
HOME ON THURSDAY.

>> ARE THERE ANY STORIES WITH
HAPPIER ENDINGS, MORT?

>> YEAH.
HOW ABOUT SOME SHOWBIZ NEWS?

>> LOVE IT, GREAT.
>> YEAH.

116‐YEAR‐OLD PAUL DOUGLAS DID
HIS FIRST STANDUP COMEDY SET AT

THE TEMPE IMPROV ON FRIDAY.
>> HEY, THAT'S GOOD FOR PAUL.

>> HE DID A VERY ENERGETIC
45‐MINUTE SET AND ABSOLUTELY

DESTROYED ‐‐
>> NICE.

>> ‐‐ HIS FRAGILE IMMUNE SYSTEM
IN THE PROCESS AND PASSED

SHORTLY THEREAFTER.
I'M JUST REPORTING THE NEWS.

R.I.P, PAUL.
>> I WAS REALLY EXCITED ABOUT

THAT ONE.
>> HEY, TIME FOR SOME SPORTS

NEWS.
COLIN, DO YOU LIKE BASEBALL?

>> I'M AFRAID TO SAY, BUT YES, I
DO.

>> YOU DO?
WELL, NOT AS MUCH AS JOE FEENEY

WHO ON SUNDAY JOINED THE ANGELS.
>> OH, NO.

>> NO, THE BASEBALL TEAM.
>> OH, OKAY.

>> IN ANAHEIM, WHO HONORED JOE'S
FIVE DECADES OF FANDOM.

>> OH, THAT'S AWESOME.
>> AND HE EVEN THREW OUT THE

FIRST PITCH.
>> OH, NO.

>> AND THEN CALLED 911 WHEN HE
COLLAPSED ON THE MOUND.

>> BUT JOE REMAINS ALIVE AND
WELL.

>> HI, JOE.
>> IN OUR HEARTS.

AS HE DIED EN ROUTE TO THE
HOSPITAL.

>> THANK YOU, MORT.
MORT FELDER WITH THE SUPER

CENTENARIAN NEWS.
>>> FOR "WEEKEND UPDATE", I'M

COLIN JOST.
>> I'M MICHAEL CHE.

GOOD NIGHT.

>> YOU'RE WATCHING ROYAL
ROMANCE, A BBC SPECIAL EVENT.

>> GOOD EVENING.
I'M PRINCESS POMPLEWELLS.

WHEN PRINCE HARRY FELL IN LOVE
WITH A GORGEOUS AMERICAN

STARLET, WE ALL WENT, AH. BUT
WHEN MEGHAN MARKLE WANTED TO DO

THINGS A LITTLE DIFFERENTLY,
SOME WENT, AH. NOW PRINCE

HARRY IS SUING THE BRITISH
TABLOIDS FOR THEIR CRUEL

TREATMENT OF HIS WIFE.
BUT WHAT MIGHT SURPRISE YOU IS

THIS ISN'T THE FIRST MIXED RACE
ROYAL COUPLE WHO HAD TO ENDURE

THIS SORT OF HOSTILITY.
TONIGHT, WE LOOK BACK AT THE

LESSER KNOWN, DUCHESS OF
CLARKENWELL, AND THE

EYEBROW‐RAISING RELATIONSHIP
THAT ALMOST BROUGHT DOWN THE

ENTIRE MONARCHY.
THIS IS ROYAL ROMANCE. ♪♪♪

THE YEAR WAS 1972.
I HAD MADE MY FIRST JOURNEY TO

AMERICA, AND THERE I MET THE MAN
OF MY DREAMS.

HIS NAME WAS JIMMY J ROBERTSON.
>> BUT I WAS KNOWN UP AND DOWN

THESE STREETS AS THUNDER STICK,
AND MY ASS WAS ABOUT TO LIVE IN

A CASTLE.
>> THUNDER STICK WAS A COMEDIAN,

STREET POET, AND BLAXPLOITATION
ACTOR.

PERHAPS BEST KNOWN FOR HIS
FILMS, THE RETURN OF ‐‐ AND [

BLEEP ] I WILL SHOOT YOU RIGHT
IN THE FACE. BUT WHEN I MET

JIMMY, HE TOLD ME HIS PRIMARY
OCCUPATION WAS KARATE, AND I

FOUND IT SO REFRESHING.
[ SOUND OF GUNFIRE ]

SOME OF THE OTHER ROYALS, THEY
JUST DIDN'T UNDERSTAND JIMMY.

>> YEAH, I WAS BOTH AHEAD OF AND
WAY BEHIND MY TIMES.

>> I'LL ADMIT, WHEN MY NIECE
BROUGHT THUNDER STICK OVER, I

WAS A BIT SKEPTICAL,
MAINLY BECAUSE HE THREW A BAG OF

COCAINE ON THE TABLE, AND SAID,
NOBODY LEAVES THE ROOM UNTIL

THIS BAG IS EMPTY."
>> JIMMY BROUGHT FUN TO THE

ROYAL FAMILY, RECITING LIMERICKS
ABOUT HOW UNATTRACTIVE OUR

MOTHERS WERE.
YET HE VOWED TO HAVE SEXUAL

RELATIONS WITH ALL OF THEM.
>> AND THEN I DEMONSTRATED

EXACTLY HOW I WAS GOING TO DO IT
USING AN OTTOMAN.

WORE THAT THING DOWN TO THE
THREADS.

>> AT OFFICIAL EVENTS HE
REQUESTED TO BE INTRODUCED AS

THE DUKE OF DOOKIE, AND I'LL
NEVER FORGET THE POEM THAT HE

PERFORMED.
>> I GOT ME A PALACE SURROUNDED

BY CLASS.
I GOT TWO CORGIS GOING TO BARK

AT YOUR ASS.
WHEN I RAISE MY ROYAL SCEPTER,

ALL MY LADY SUBJECTS BOW.
THEY SAY, DAMN THUNDER STICK,

GIVE ME THE THUNDER NOW.
COME ON RED.

WE DOING THIS?
>> HE PERFORMED THAT AT THE

CHRISTENING OF PRINCE WILLIAM.
>> BUT FOR ALL HIS FOIBLES,

JIMMY HELPED MODERNIZE THE
MONARCHY.

HE KNIGHTED THE FIRST BLACK
AMERICAN, TRANSFORMING MIX‐A‐LOT

INTO SIR MIX‐A‐LOT.
AND JIMMY WAS FABULOUS WITH

CHILDREN.
>> TAKE A WILD RIDE TO BANBERRY

CROSS.
SEE A FINE LADY UP ON A WHITE

HORSE.
RINGS ON HER FINGERS, BELLS ON

HER PALMS, THAT FUNKY [ BLEEP ]
WAS LYING WHEN I BLEW THAT OUT

HER DRAWERS.
>> BUT THE MEDIA COULD BE

RUTHLESS.
>> YOU BETTER BELIEVE THEY HATED

MY CATCHPHRASE, TAKE A LOOK AT
MY BIG BLACK ASS.

>> AND IN THE END WE DRIFTED
APART.

>> YEAH, AS MUCH AS WE HAD IN
COMMON, WE WERE FROM DIFFERENT

WORLDS.
>> ALSO HE CHEATED ON ME WITH A

WAFFLE HOUSE WAITRESS.
>> I DID DO THAT, GOT IT

SCATTERED, SMOTHERED, AND
COVERS, BABY.

>> LET'S TAKE A QUICK BREAK.
WHEN WE RETURN, A CLIP FROM

THUNDER STICK'S KUNG FU SANTA

>>> ONCE AGAIN, TAYLOR SWIFT!

♪♪♪

♪ WE WERE CRAZY TO THINK
CRAZY TO THINK THAT

THIS COULD WORK ♪
♪ REMEMBER HOW I

SAID I'D DIE FOR YOU
WE WERE STUPID

TO JUMP ♪
♪ IN THE OCEAN

SEPARATING US
REMEMBER HOW

I'D FLY TO YOU ♪
♪ AND I CAN'T TALK TO YOU

WHEN YOU'RE LIKE THIS STARING
OUT THE WINDOW LIKE I'M

NOT YOUR FAVORITE TOWN ♪
♪ I'M NEW YORK CITY

I STILL DO IT FOR YOU BABE
THEY ALL WARNED US

ABOUT TIMES LIKE THIS ♪
♪ THEY SAY THE ROAD GETS

HARD AND YOU GET LOST
WHEN YOU'RE LED BY BLIND

FAITH BLIND FAITH ♪
♪ BUT WE MIGHT JUST

GET AWAY WITH IT
RELIGION'S IN YOUR LIPS

EVEN IF IT'S A FALSE GOD ♪
♪ WE'D STILL WORSHIP

WE MIGHT JUST
GET AWAY WITH IT

THE ALTAR IS MY HIPS ♪
♪ EVEN IF IT'S A FALSE GOD

WE'D STILL WORSHIP
THIS LOVE

WE'D STILL WORSHIP ♪
♪ THIS LOVE

WE'D STILL WORSHIP
THIS LOVE ♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪ I KNOW HEAVEN'S A THING
I GO THERE WHEN YOU

TOUCH ME HONEY ♪
♪ HELL IS WHEN I

FIGHT WITH YOU
WE CAN PATCH

IT UP GOOD ♪
♪ MAKE CONFESSIONS

AND WE'RE BEGGING
FOR FORGIVENESS

GOT THE WINE FOR YOU ♪
♪ AND YOU CAN'T TALK TO ME

WHEN I'M LIKE THIS
DARING YOU TO LEAVE ME JUST

SO I CAN TRY AND SCARE YOU ♪
♪ YOU'RE THE WEST VILLAGE

YOU STILL DO IT FOR ME BABE
THEY ALL WARNED US ABOUT

TIMES LIKE THIS ♪
♪ THEY SAY THE ROAD GETS

HARD AND YOU GET LOST WHEN
YOU'RE LED BY BLIND FAITH

BLIND FAITH ♪
♪ BUT WE MIGHT JUST

GET AWAY WITH IT
RELIGION'S IN YOUR LIPS

EVEN IF IT'S A FALSE GOD ♪
♪ WE'D STILL WORSHIP

WE MIGHT JUST
GET AWAY WITH IT

THE ALTAR IS MY HIPS ♪
♪ EVEN IF IT'S A FALSE GOD

WE'D STILL WORSHIP
THIS LOVE

WE'D STILL WORSHIP ♪
♪ THIS LOVE

WE'D STILL WORSHIP
THIS LOVE ♪

♪ STILL WORSHIP THIS LOVE
EVEN IF IT'S A FALSE GOD

EVEN IF IT'S A FALSE GOD
STILL WORSHIP THIS LOVE ♪

♪♪♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> HEY, HEY, HEY, I KNOW YOU ALL
ARE REGULARS BUT YOU'RE GETTING

TOO ROWDY, OKAY?
AND YOUR FRIEND IS DANCING TOO

WILD, ALL RIGHT?
WE'RE GETTING COMPLAINTS.

>> WHAT?
>> WHAT IS THIS, THE

RITZ‐CARLTON?
>> WHAT'S WRONG WITH JANETTA?

>> WHAT'S UP WITH YOU, JANETTA?
>> ‐‐ MY EX‐BOYFRIEND.

>> WHAT?
>> WHAT?

>> THAT'S THE ONLY KIND OF GOOD

BOYFRIEND THERE IS.
>> EX.

>> WHICH ONE?
>> GERALD.

FROM THE GUITAR CENTER.
>> WHOA, THE ONE WE ALL SLEPT

WITH AND NOW HATE.
>> YEAH.

YEAH, HE GOT EVERY WOMAN IN OUR
CLIQUE.

>> DID A BIG OLD SURPRISE MATCH.
>> I TRIED TO SHEET METAL MY

EX‐BOYFRIEND.
>> I CHASED MY EX‐BOYFRIEND

ACROSS ‐‐ WITH A PIECE OF SHEET
METAL OVER MY HEAD.

>> OKAY.
>> WELL, DID YOU THROW IT AT

HIM, JANETTA?
>> NO, I TRIED.

A GUST OF WIND GOT UNDERNEATH
AND BLEW THAT SUCKER RIGHT BACK

IN MY FACE.
>> SCREW HIM.

YOU DON'T NEED NO MAN.
NONE OF US DO.

LOOK AT US.
WE WANT LOVE?

WE CAN FIND IT, EASY.
>> PIECE OF CAKE.

>> ALL RIGHT, DON'T SAY NOTHING
ABOUT CAKE TO ME TODAY.

>> WHY, JANEY GIRL?
>> I TRIED TO GET A CAKE TODAY

AT WAL‐MART.
THEY WOULDN'T WRITE ON IT WHAT I

WANTED HIM TO WRITE ON IT.
>> WHAT YOU WANT ON THAT CAKE?

>> A THREAT?
>> BOY BEHIND THE COUNTER TOLD

ME THEY DIDN'T MAKE THREAT
CAKES.

>> THAT'S GERALD FROM THE GUITAR
CENTER.

>> THE NERVE, WALKING IN HERE.
TALK ABOUT SEX ON A STICK.

>> COME ON.
HEY, LADIES.

>> HEY.
>> IT'S NOT MY FAULT Y'ALL FELL

IN LOVE WITH THIS.
I WOULD TOO.

>> NO, DON'T EVEN TRY TO SMOOTH
THIS OVER.

>> HEY, I TOLD YOU I DON'T DO
MONOGAMY, ALL RIGHT?

WELCOME TO MY WORLD.
>> GIRLS, I'M SORRY.

BUT I WANT TO GIVE THIS PIECE OF
TRASH A WHOLE MESS OF PAIN.

>> ACT LIKE I SAID BAD THINGS,
OKAY?

I MISS YOU.
YOU SMELL SO GOOD LIKE MENTHOL

CIGARETTES AND BAR LINES.
WHICH ONE OF US DO YOU LIKE

BEST?
PLEASE SAY ME.

>> IT'S YOUR TURN.
>> WELL ‐‐

>> KAYLEE, YOUR TURN.
OKAY, I HOPE YOU LIVE THROUGH

THIS.
>> DID YOU GET MY EMAIL?

WHERE I GAVE YOU MY WORK
SCHEDULE WITH ALL MY LITTLE

LUNCH BREAKS?
BECAUSE I WAS HOPING WE COULD

SQUEEZE OUT A LITTLE QUICKY
DURING ONE OF THOSE TIMES.

BECAUSE I MISS YOUR BEEFY
FINGERS.

BUT YEAH, YEAH, I HOPE THAT THIS
GIVES YOU A HEADACHE JUST FOR

ALL THE ONES YOU GAVE ME.
>> ALL RIGHT.

THIS IS MY TURN.
HEY, ACT LIKE I'M CHOKING YOU.

REMEMBER WHEN WE WALKED OUT ON
THE DOCK?

AND YOU SAID, "LOOK."
AND I DID.

AND IT WAS THE ‐‐ AND I LAUGHED
ABOUT IT.

AND YOU KISSED MY LAUGHING OPEN
MOUTH?

WELL, I WANT THAT BACK, MAN.
YOU'RE DEAD TO ME.

>> CRYSTAL, FINISH HIM OFF.
>> YEAH.

OH.
>> HEY.

HEY.
YOU REMEMBER WHAT WE TALKED

ABOUT THE NIGHT YOU LEFT ME?
I CHANGED MY MIND, OKAY?

I WILL GIVE YOU A BACKSTAGE
PASS.

NOW GET LOST AND STAY THERE.
>> WE SHOWED HIM.

>> DIDN'T WE, LADIES?
>> YEAH, WE SURE DID.

>> TO SISTERHOOD.
>> WELL, I GOT TO GET OUT OF

HERE.
I

GOT A DATE WITH YOUR SON.
>> TELL HIM I FOLDED HIS

LAUNDRY.
[ CHEERS AND APP

>>> THANK YOU TO MATTHEW
BRODERICK AND TAYLOR SWIFT, I

HAD THE TIME OF MY LIFE.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪♪♪