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1
00:00:00,869 --> 00:00:05,310
("The Simpsons Theme"
plays briefly)
2
00:00:05,410 --> 00:00:14,462
(menu selection sound popping)
3
00:00:14,930 --> 00:00:18,738
(dramatic music playing)
4
00:00:18,838 --> 00:00:22,111
GRUFF�VOICED MAN:
A greedy man once yearned for more,
5
00:00:22,177 --> 00:00:24,783
so the fool began to borrow.
6
00:00:24,883 --> 00:00:27,354
He ate and drank
and told the bank,
7
00:00:27,421 --> 00:00:29,860
"I'll pay the debt tomorrow."
8
00:00:29,927 --> 00:00:33,033
But as both dolt
and purse grew fat,
9
00:00:33,133 --> 00:00:35,337
the calendar grew thinner.
10
00:00:35,437 --> 00:00:36,640
(glass shatters)
11
00:00:36,740 --> 00:00:38,945
The debt collector had enough
12
00:00:39,011 --> 00:00:41,884
and hungered for his dinner.
13
00:00:41,984 --> 00:00:43,754
�(grunts)
�(gunshots)
14
00:00:43,854 --> 00:00:45,224
�(guns click empty)
�(gasps)
15
00:00:48,330 --> 00:00:50,969
The coward ran,
with coin in hand,
16
00:00:51,069 --> 00:00:54,408
but come dawn, lost his breath.
17
00:00:55,845 --> 00:00:57,582
The fool was caught,
18
00:00:57,649 --> 00:00:59,085
'twas all for naught,
19
00:00:59,151 --> 00:01:03,026
for the collector's name
was Death.
20
00:01:03,093 --> 00:01:06,299
(chuckles)
Heck of a poem there, fella.
21
00:01:06,366 --> 00:01:08,069
I just caught the tail end.
22
00:01:08,103 --> 00:01:11,209
You got any more chilling verses
in that book of yours?
23
00:01:11,309 --> 00:01:14,115
Oh, this isn't
a poetry book, cowboy�man.
24
00:01:14,181 --> 00:01:16,085
This is a ledger of debts.
25
00:01:16,185 --> 00:01:19,960
Debts to be paid
in money or blood,
26
00:01:20,060 --> 00:01:21,830
and lately, Venmo.
27
00:01:21,864 --> 00:01:24,970
I've been sent
to collect in blood.
28
00:01:25,070 --> 00:01:25,972
(guns cock)
29
00:01:26,072 --> 00:01:27,107
Don't do this!
30
00:01:27,241 --> 00:01:29,947
I have a wife
and two young mistresses,
31
00:01:30,013 --> 00:01:31,817
also a secret other wife.
32
00:01:31,917 --> 00:01:34,355
Please, I'm a good man.
33
00:01:34,455 --> 00:01:35,692
A good man!
34
00:01:35,758 --> 00:01:37,261
(pen clicks)
35
00:01:39,498 --> 00:01:42,404
In my experience, Mr. Texan...
36
00:01:44,208 --> 00:01:46,647
...there's no such thing
as a good man.
37
00:01:46,747 --> 00:01:49,318
("The Ninety and Nine"
by Burl Ives playing)
38
00:01:50,888 --> 00:01:55,732
♪ There were ninety and nine
that safely lay ♪
39
00:01:55,832 --> 00:01:58,571
♪ In the shelter of the fold ♪
40
00:01:58,638 --> 00:01:59,673
♪ Of the fold ♪
41
00:01:59,740 --> 00:02:03,981
♪ But one was out
on the hills away ♪
42
00:02:04,048 --> 00:02:06,754
♪ Far off from
the gates of gold ♪
43
00:02:06,787 --> 00:02:08,023
♪ Gates of gold ♪
44
00:02:08,123 --> 00:02:12,331
♪ Away on the mountain
wild and bare ♪
45
00:02:12,431 --> 00:02:15,872
♪ Away from
the tender shepherd's care. ♪
46
00:02:15,972 --> 00:02:18,109
Mm, as pristine
as the Garden of Eden
47
00:02:18,176 --> 00:02:20,047
before Eve came along.
48
00:02:20,147 --> 00:02:21,182
Homer Simpson?
49
00:02:21,349 --> 00:02:23,521
I didn't know you were a fellow
volunteer Litter Gitter?
50
00:02:23,587 --> 00:02:24,756
No, I'm doing community service
51
00:02:24,823 --> 00:02:28,263
'cause of where I told the judge
to shove some parking tickets.
52
00:02:28,330 --> 00:02:30,167
Well, sir,
I guess your punishment
53
00:02:30,267 --> 00:02:32,739
is my predilection to do good.
54
00:02:32,839 --> 00:02:35,945
Oh, Flanders, you do
so much for the town,
55
00:02:36,045 --> 00:02:38,283
yet no one ever
appreciates you for it.
56
00:02:38,350 --> 00:02:39,418
Why, thank you, Homer.
57
00:02:39,485 --> 00:02:42,424
Not a compliment.
Saying you're dumb.
58
00:02:45,798 --> 00:02:47,669
(shouts)
59
00:02:47,769 --> 00:02:48,804
Shucks! (grunting)
60
00:02:48,871 --> 00:02:50,608
Gosh! Ah!
61
00:02:50,675 --> 00:02:52,378
Honey, ooh, mustard!
62
00:02:54,148 --> 00:02:55,618
(groaning)
63
00:02:58,691 --> 00:03:02,899
Hey, that's a strange place
to check your bag�a�rino.
64
00:03:05,938 --> 00:03:07,441
Dear Lord.
65
00:03:07,509 --> 00:03:09,145
HOMER: Crap, crap, crap,
crap, crap, crap,
66
00:03:09,211 --> 00:03:11,082
crap! Oof!
67
00:03:11,182 --> 00:03:13,286
(groans) I saw you fell,
68
00:03:13,353 --> 00:03:16,092
so I rushed over
to laugh at you, then...
69
00:03:16,159 --> 00:03:17,929
♪ ♪
70
00:03:21,469 --> 00:03:25,110
Aw, it's always been my dream
to find a bag of money.
71
00:03:25,177 --> 00:03:26,479
You stole my dream.
72
00:03:26,580 --> 00:03:28,751
You know, I'd say it's all
a part of God's plan,
73
00:03:28,851 --> 00:03:31,557
but usually that only applies
to horrible tragedies.
74
00:03:31,590 --> 00:03:34,529
Aw, a do�gooder like you
finding this money
75
00:03:34,596 --> 00:03:37,569
is proof that karma is real,
which sucks
76
00:03:37,635 --> 00:03:40,040
'cause now I can't club you
over the head and take it.
77
00:03:40,107 --> 00:03:42,277
Aw, thanks, neighbor.
78
00:03:43,547 --> 00:03:47,789
$173,296.
79
00:03:47,889 --> 00:03:52,297
We should get a huge terrarium
with like a million turtles.
80
00:03:52,364 --> 00:03:55,872
No, we should get a speedboat
with bunk beds on it.
81
00:03:55,972 --> 00:03:57,141
�Turtles.
�Bunk�boat.
82
00:03:57,207 --> 00:03:58,978
�Turtles!
�Bunk�boat!
83
00:03:59,044 --> 00:04:00,681
(sighs) I wish
your great�grandfather,
84
00:04:00,782 --> 00:04:03,019
Paw Paw Flanders,
was still here to guide us.
85
00:04:03,086 --> 00:04:05,658
He was the finest man
I ever knew.
86
00:04:08,229 --> 00:04:10,400
Pouch of chewing tobacco
for myself
87
00:04:10,501 --> 00:04:13,039
and a pouch of candy tobacco
for my grandson.
88
00:04:13,106 --> 00:04:14,709
♪ ♪
89
00:04:16,412 --> 00:04:18,617
Paw Paw, that man stole
a loaf of bread.
90
00:04:18,684 --> 00:04:21,022
It's under his T�shirt
that says... (shivers)
91
00:04:21,155 --> 00:04:23,193
Linda Ronstadt.
92
00:04:23,293 --> 00:04:24,863
Stay here, Neddy.
93
00:04:28,002 --> 00:04:29,639
Afternoon, mop top.
94
00:04:29,706 --> 00:04:31,142
Yeah?
95
00:04:31,242 --> 00:04:32,879
♪ ♪
96
00:04:35,050 --> 00:04:37,187
Here's some "bread"
for your bread,
97
00:04:37,254 --> 00:04:39,458
my countercultural friend.
98
00:04:40,260 --> 00:04:43,701
�Have a good one.
�Death to pigs, except you, man.
99
00:04:43,801 --> 00:04:46,540
Gee, Paw Paw,
why didn't you arrest him?
100
00:04:46,607 --> 00:04:49,245
Neddy, when I was growing up
at the orphanage,
101
00:04:49,345 --> 00:04:51,382
the nuns taught us one thing:
102
00:04:51,449 --> 00:04:54,021
the harder the good,
the better the man.
103
00:04:55,992 --> 00:04:58,631
Boys, I know just what to do.
104
00:05:00,167 --> 00:05:01,335
(overlapping excited chatter)
105
00:05:01,435 --> 00:05:03,373
BARB:
Oh, my gosh.
106
00:05:03,439 --> 00:05:06,112
In all my years
of orphanagereal management,
107
00:05:06,179 --> 00:05:09,451
I've never seen
a donation this generous.
108
00:05:09,519 --> 00:05:11,690
The town's gonna go
ape over bananas
109
00:05:11,790 --> 00:05:14,395
when it hears all about
your generosity.
110
00:05:14,461 --> 00:05:16,065
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
111
00:05:16,165 --> 00:05:18,136
I always donate anonymously.
112
00:05:18,203 --> 00:05:20,541
"When thou doest thine alms..."
113
00:05:20,608 --> 00:05:24,014
"Do not sound a trumpet
before thee."
114
00:05:24,048 --> 00:05:25,651
BOTH:
Matthew 6:2.
115
00:05:25,718 --> 00:05:27,487
(both laugh)
116
00:05:27,589 --> 00:05:29,726
Aw, but wouldn't you like
some accolades
117
00:05:29,826 --> 00:05:32,699
and attaboys for being
such an upstanding fella?
118
00:05:32,765 --> 00:05:34,803
Oh, I don't do good deeds
for recognition.
119
00:05:34,870 --> 00:05:36,673
That's why no one
ever gives it to me.
120
00:05:36,773 --> 00:05:37,976
(gasps) Hold on.
121
00:05:38,076 --> 00:05:42,719
What if you donated that money
in the name of someone special?
122
00:05:42,819 --> 00:05:46,325
(gasps)
I could honor my Paw Paw.
123
00:05:46,392 --> 00:05:49,331
Oh, see?
Nothing prideful about that.
124
00:05:49,431 --> 00:05:51,837
Now, what's the name
of the saintly fella
125
00:05:51,904 --> 00:05:54,241
you'd like to give
all the credit to?
126
00:05:54,308 --> 00:05:55,912
Ned Flanders.
127
00:05:55,978 --> 00:05:57,214
Uh, the First.
128
00:05:57,314 --> 00:05:59,151
ORPHANS (chanting):
129
00:05:59,184 --> 00:06:00,888
Ned's number one!
130
00:06:00,955 --> 00:06:03,192
Paw Paw was technically
Ned number one,
131
00:06:03,259 --> 00:06:04,829
so that chant's okay with me.
132
00:06:04,863 --> 00:06:08,871
So, how does it feel to be the
most beloved man in Springfield?
133
00:06:08,938 --> 00:06:10,908
You mean, the grandson of?
134
00:06:12,044 --> 00:06:14,816
It feels darn�diddly good.
135
00:06:14,883 --> 00:06:16,920
♪ ♪
136
00:06:27,107 --> 00:06:28,476
(sighs)
137
00:06:28,544 --> 00:06:30,080
I love a pomegranate.
138
00:06:30,146 --> 00:06:34,188
Its juices remind me of the
bloody profession I've chosen.
139
00:06:34,255 --> 00:06:36,860
No, I agree, it's not subtle.
140
00:06:36,927 --> 00:06:40,166
Anyhoo, the Rich Texan account
has been balanced,
141
00:06:40,233 --> 00:06:42,371
and I'll be bringing you
the proof.
142
00:06:42,471 --> 00:06:44,809
No, not the whole head.
143
00:06:44,876 --> 00:06:47,782
They only let you have
one bag on United.
144
00:06:47,815 --> 00:06:51,222
An anonymous do�gooder donated
a fortune to a local orphanage,
145
00:06:51,289 --> 00:06:53,961
money found
in an old Pan Am bag.
146
00:06:54,061 --> 00:06:58,537
A grand total of $173,296.
147
00:06:58,604 --> 00:07:01,108
I'm staying in Springfield.
148
00:07:01,208 --> 00:07:05,785
I have a very old,
very personal debt to collect.
149
00:07:05,851 --> 00:07:09,224
I spoke to the generous donor,
who insisted on anonymity.
150
00:07:09,258 --> 00:07:11,863
(deep, distorted voice):
It feels darn�diddly good.
151
00:07:19,746 --> 00:07:21,817
(Irish accent):
Good day to you, shopkeep.
152
00:07:21,917 --> 00:07:24,121
Quite the collection
of funny books you have here.
153
00:07:24,221 --> 00:07:25,457
Wonder if you could help us.
154
00:07:25,558 --> 00:07:28,831
Looking for a local fella,
name of Flanders.
155
00:07:28,897 --> 00:07:32,237
Do I look like the town's
information kiosk to you?
156
00:07:32,304 --> 00:07:33,741
It is much smaller than I.
157
00:07:33,774 --> 00:07:35,678
Hit the bricks, Lucky Charms.
158
00:07:35,711 --> 00:07:38,349
(laughs) I like a good joke.
159
00:07:38,416 --> 00:07:39,451
But my partner?
160
00:07:39,552 --> 00:07:41,590
She's not quite as jovial.
161
00:07:41,657 --> 00:07:44,562
�Now, where's this
Flanders chap? �(lock clicks)
162
00:07:44,663 --> 00:07:48,036
Ooh, locking the door
as a means of intimidation.
163
00:07:48,136 --> 00:07:49,639
How original.
164
00:07:49,739 --> 00:07:52,679
(groans) The silent
but violent accomplice,
165
00:07:52,812 --> 00:07:55,016
another overworked cliché.
166
00:07:55,083 --> 00:07:56,018
(grunts)
167
00:07:56,085 --> 00:07:58,557
(speaking French)
168
00:07:58,691 --> 00:08:00,460
Correction, French accomplice.
169
00:08:00,528 --> 00:08:03,232
An unexpected yet still
underwhelming twist.
170
00:08:03,299 --> 00:08:04,435
Two stars.
171
00:08:04,536 --> 00:08:06,640
Just point us towards
Ned Flanders,
172
00:08:06,707 --> 00:08:08,276
and Colette won't have to spoil
173
00:08:08,343 --> 00:08:11,048
this lovely morning
we're having.
174
00:08:11,082 --> 00:08:12,919
(screams)
175
00:08:12,985 --> 00:08:14,088
(pained groan)
176
00:08:15,490 --> 00:08:16,425
Mando! (gasps)
177
00:08:16,526 --> 00:08:18,864
Stop, stop! I don't know
where Flanders lives,
178
00:08:18,964 --> 00:08:22,371
but you can always find him at
the First Church of Springfield.
179
00:08:22,437 --> 00:08:25,210
Now, that wasn't
so hard, was it?
180
00:08:25,276 --> 00:08:28,149
I'll let you get back to your
Heathcliffs and your Garfields.
181
00:08:28,216 --> 00:08:29,986
I only like the cat ones.
182
00:08:30,053 --> 00:08:32,157
�(shoes squeaking)
�(door opens, closes)
183
00:08:32,224 --> 00:08:36,265
Um, two thugs just manhandled me
in the collectibles.
184
00:08:36,365 --> 00:08:39,906
(over phone):
Why the hell am I paying you for protection?
185
00:08:40,006 --> 00:08:42,745
If another outfit
is moving in on my town,
186
00:08:42,812 --> 00:08:46,520
then appropriate violence
will be taken.
187
00:08:47,955 --> 00:08:49,926
(bell tolling)
188
00:08:50,928 --> 00:08:52,732
Bye, now.
189
00:08:52,799 --> 00:08:54,769
Mr. Flanders, it's an honor
190
00:08:54,836 --> 00:08:57,575
to live next door
to such a generous man.
191
00:08:57,642 --> 00:08:58,711
Baller move, Ned.
192
00:08:58,811 --> 00:09:00,581
You splashed the cash
on some no�dads,
193
00:09:00,648 --> 00:09:03,554
and now you're the top
God�wad. Respect.
194
00:09:03,620 --> 00:09:05,891
Well, I can't accept
your praise,
195
00:09:06,025 --> 00:09:07,795
as that donation
wasn't in my name.
196
00:09:07,862 --> 00:09:11,202
Oh, you heard him, kids.
Take back your praise.
197
00:09:11,268 --> 00:09:12,805
Anonymous Boy Scout Superman
198
00:09:12,905 --> 00:09:15,243
doesn't want any hugs
or handshakes
199
00:09:15,343 --> 00:09:17,314
or little pats on the head.
200
00:09:17,380 --> 00:09:20,153
(chuckles)
Well, I wasn't trying to��
201
00:09:20,253 --> 00:09:21,288
Um, oops.
202
00:09:21,355 --> 00:09:24,061
I forgot my Bible inside. Bye.
203
00:09:24,128 --> 00:09:25,664
♪ ♪
204
00:09:26,465 --> 00:09:27,769
Uh, pardon me, sir.
205
00:09:27,835 --> 00:09:30,173
I believe that's my good book
you're giving a look.
206
00:09:30,240 --> 00:09:31,843
"Ned Flanders."
207
00:09:31,877 --> 00:09:33,379
Used to be a man had to die
208
00:09:33,514 --> 00:09:35,885
to get his name
printed in his Bible.
209
00:09:35,951 --> 00:09:37,955
Eh, guess I saved someone
the trouble.
210
00:09:38,022 --> 00:09:40,093
Hey, haven't seen you
in our church before.
211
00:09:40,160 --> 00:09:41,462
Are you new to the pew?
212
00:09:41,530 --> 00:09:43,332
I am a debt collector by trade,
213
00:09:43,399 --> 00:09:46,573
and this ledger
is my "good book."
214
00:09:46,640 --> 00:09:49,779
I only have one unbalanced debt,
my very first.
215
00:09:49,846 --> 00:09:52,752
It's like having a tickle
in my nose for 50 years
216
00:09:52,819 --> 00:09:56,158
but never getting to sneeze.
217
00:09:57,929 --> 00:10:00,233
That's the same amount I��
(gasps)
218
00:10:00,300 --> 00:10:03,206
This is now your debt to me.
219
00:10:03,272 --> 00:10:04,274
(whimpers)
220
00:10:04,374 --> 00:10:06,546
ORPHANS:
Uncle Neddy!
221
00:10:06,680 --> 00:10:08,951
Barb, am I glad to see you.
222
00:10:09,017 --> 00:10:10,621
You know, I was just
talking to...
223
00:10:10,688 --> 00:10:12,390
He's gone.
224
00:10:12,491 --> 00:10:13,827
No, I'm not.
225
00:10:13,894 --> 00:10:17,134
I started to hide, but I
couldn't find any good places.
226
00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:20,608
I'll see you later.
227
00:10:20,708 --> 00:10:23,814
That was the most terrifying
man I ever met.
228
00:10:23,914 --> 00:10:25,618
Yup, he's an odd duck,
all right.
229
00:10:25,684 --> 00:10:27,387
Say, I'm glad I found you.
230
00:10:27,454 --> 00:10:30,326
The Springfield Winter Markets
are opening tonight,
231
00:10:30,393 --> 00:10:34,067
and I was pondering if you
wanted to come with. (chuckles)
232
00:10:34,201 --> 00:10:35,370
To chaperone the kids?
233
00:10:35,436 --> 00:10:37,407
To chaperone me.
234
00:10:37,440 --> 00:10:39,178
Like a date.
235
00:10:39,244 --> 00:10:41,817
ORPHANS:
Ooh!
236
00:10:48,564 --> 00:10:51,870
Get out of town.
You? A javelin thrower?
237
00:10:51,937 --> 00:10:53,874
Oh, yeah.
I would've qualified
238
00:10:53,941 --> 00:10:55,778
for the Pine City
Junior Throwlympics, but,
239
00:10:55,878 --> 00:10:57,247
you know, that was
the year the good Lord
240
00:10:57,347 --> 00:11:00,053
thought to bless me
with my top shelf here.
241
00:11:00,119 --> 00:11:02,157
I hated to hang up
my javelin clogs,
242
00:11:02,290 --> 00:11:05,196
but luckily I discovered
my true passion:
243
00:11:05,263 --> 00:11:06,733
parentless children.
244
00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:09,639
Barb Belfry, at the risk
of sounding crass,
245
00:11:09,706 --> 00:11:11,710
I... I think you're swell.
246
00:11:11,776 --> 00:11:13,580
Cute couple alert.
247
00:11:13,614 --> 00:11:15,818
(imitating a siren):
So cute, so cute!
248
00:11:15,885 --> 00:11:18,590
Some arm candy for Flandy.
249
00:11:18,657 --> 00:11:20,226
Whoop�de�do.
250
00:11:20,326 --> 00:11:21,596
(blows raspberry)
251
00:11:21,696 --> 00:11:24,368
Uh, you've had
a little too much eggnog.
252
00:11:24,434 --> 00:11:26,940
Nog just gives voice to truth.
253
00:11:27,040 --> 00:11:30,046
That's right, neighborino.
254
00:11:30,113 --> 00:11:31,181
I'm onto you.
255
00:11:31,282 --> 00:11:33,754
When you bought
all the orphans in town,
256
00:11:33,820 --> 00:11:35,925
I thought you were a fool,
257
00:11:35,958 --> 00:11:38,964
but now I see what you
really did with that money:
258
00:11:39,031 --> 00:11:43,172
buy the love and admiration
of all these suckers.
259
00:11:43,239 --> 00:11:44,408
CROWD:
Boo!
260
00:11:44,474 --> 00:11:47,648
All right, noggy,
into the drunk rink with you.
261
00:11:47,715 --> 00:11:48,684
(Homer groans)
262
00:11:48,750 --> 00:11:50,353
Go slip it off.
263
00:11:50,420 --> 00:11:51,890
(grunting)
264
00:11:53,894 --> 00:11:55,798
(Barney groaning)
265
00:11:55,898 --> 00:11:59,371
I've never been so humiliated
at a seasonal market.
266
00:11:59,438 --> 00:12:03,246
How can someone else's
generosity make you angry?
267
00:12:03,312 --> 00:12:05,918
Mm, because that money
should've been mine!
268
00:12:05,985 --> 00:12:08,089
I fall down inclines
all the time,
269
00:12:08,155 --> 00:12:12,632
and all I ever get
is concussionezzezzezzezzes...
270
00:12:12,732 --> 00:12:13,734
zzezzes.
271
00:12:13,834 --> 00:12:15,838
Wow. I can't believe I'm married
272
00:12:15,938 --> 00:12:18,577
to the most selfish man
in the world.
273
00:12:18,677 --> 00:12:21,917
("No More Hot Dogs"
by Hasil Adkins playing)
274
00:12:22,017 --> 00:12:24,488
�(tires squealing)
�(man laughing rhythmically)
275
00:12:29,599 --> 00:12:31,636
(groans)
How come every song you play
276
00:12:31,703 --> 00:12:33,974
has to be so kooky and obscure?
277
00:12:34,107 --> 00:12:36,546
Just for once, I wouldn't mind
a little Taylor Swift
278
00:12:36,613 --> 00:12:38,015
before we commit an atrocity.
279
00:12:38,115 --> 00:12:40,086
�(music stops)
�(speaks French)
280
00:12:40,186 --> 00:12:41,556
It's right here.
281
00:12:41,623 --> 00:12:42,992
�(wind whistling)
�(gasps)
282
00:12:43,794 --> 00:12:45,631
Relax. I remember it.
283
00:12:45,698 --> 00:12:47,267
Evergreen Terrace.
284
00:12:47,334 --> 00:12:49,237
740... something.
285
00:12:49,304 --> 00:12:51,442
♪ ♪
286
00:12:56,185 --> 00:12:58,189
(snoring)
287
00:12:58,957 --> 00:13:01,563
�(growling)
�Hmm?
288
00:13:01,630 --> 00:13:03,299
�(barking)
�(whimpers)
289
00:13:04,802 --> 00:13:05,738
(whimpers)
290
00:13:05,804 --> 00:13:08,175
(barking)
291
00:13:08,242 --> 00:13:09,812
(chewing)
292
00:13:09,879 --> 00:13:11,215
What do you got there, boy?
293
00:13:11,315 --> 00:13:13,219
Drop it, boy. Drop it.
294
00:13:13,352 --> 00:13:14,522
(gasps)
295
00:13:14,622 --> 00:13:17,828
(distorted screaming)
296
00:13:19,164 --> 00:13:21,368
�Doggy man face.
�(growling)
297
00:13:21,435 --> 00:13:22,972
(Homer mumbling groggily)
298
00:13:24,509 --> 00:13:26,345
(distorted screaming)
299
00:13:26,445 --> 00:13:28,082
Nighty night, Mr. Flanders.
300
00:13:35,129 --> 00:13:37,334
Well, as the picture frame
said to the level,
301
00:13:37,434 --> 00:13:39,739
that was quite an even�ing.
302
00:13:39,806 --> 00:13:42,712
(laughs)
303
00:13:42,778 --> 00:13:45,350
Oh, this was
the best night I've had
304
00:13:45,450 --> 00:13:46,886
in a month of Sundays.
305
00:13:46,986 --> 00:13:48,824
Barb, if I were
to kiss you right now,
306
00:13:48,857 --> 00:13:50,794
would, uh, would that
be all right?
307
00:13:50,861 --> 00:13:52,631
Golly, it sure would.
308
00:13:52,698 --> 00:13:54,802
Hot dog!
309
00:13:54,869 --> 00:13:56,238
Well, bye.
310
00:13:56,305 --> 00:14:00,413
Ned, would you like to come in
and see my javelin medals?
311
00:14:00,514 --> 00:14:03,486
�Oh, yeah. Oh, you betcha.
�(moaning) Diddly.
312
00:14:03,553 --> 00:14:05,089
�That's the business.
�Doodly.
313
00:14:05,156 --> 00:14:07,293
�Oh, good golly, Miss Molly.
�Great golly.
314
00:14:07,394 --> 00:14:10,601
�Right in the kisser. Oh, yeah.
�(moans)
315
00:14:11,903 --> 00:14:14,675
Is that... is that
Sideshow Mel? (chuckles)
316
00:14:14,776 --> 00:14:16,145
You must be a real fan.
317
00:14:16,211 --> 00:14:18,550
Well, I used to be. (chuckles)
318
00:14:24,796 --> 00:14:26,298
(gasps) He's your husband?
319
00:14:26,398 --> 00:14:29,104
Well, technically,
but don't you worry, hon.
320
00:14:29,171 --> 00:14:31,375
We got an arrangement,
me and Mel.
321
00:14:31,509 --> 00:14:32,545
What?!
322
00:14:32,645 --> 00:14:34,982
I get to have
my extracurriculars
323
00:14:35,049 --> 00:14:36,385
and, uh, so does he.
324
00:14:36,452 --> 00:14:39,091
Well, he tries, anyway.
Aw, bless his heart.
325
00:14:39,191 --> 00:14:41,830
Oh, Lordy, I'm an adulterer.
326
00:14:41,896 --> 00:14:45,403
Don't mind me.
Just rebooting the Wi�Fi.
327
00:14:45,504 --> 00:14:46,973
Gah, the cuckold!
328
00:14:47,073 --> 00:14:49,912
Oh, come on, Mel. You knew
I had the living room tonight.
329
00:14:49,979 --> 00:14:51,683
Check the darn schedule.
330
00:14:51,783 --> 00:14:52,918
Don't worry about him.
331
00:14:52,985 --> 00:14:54,856
He can turn his video game
up real loud.
332
00:14:54,956 --> 00:14:57,260
Barb Belfry,
this diddly�daliance
333
00:14:57,327 --> 00:14:59,397
is doodily�done.
334
00:14:59,464 --> 00:15:01,435
�(door slams)
�(Sideshow Mel laughs)
335
00:15:01,536 --> 00:15:03,940
Another Craigslist winner?
336
00:15:04,007 --> 00:15:05,711
Oh, shut up, Mel.
337
00:15:05,811 --> 00:15:08,550
♪ ♪
338
00:15:08,617 --> 00:15:10,453
Your prized piggy,
339
00:15:10,554 --> 00:15:12,892
Mr. Ned Flanders.
340
00:15:12,958 --> 00:15:15,096
(groaning groggily)
341
00:15:15,229 --> 00:15:17,935
This is not Ned Flanders.
342
00:15:18,002 --> 00:15:19,705
W�Well, sure it is.
343
00:15:19,806 --> 00:15:21,442
Why, look at his credit cards,
344
00:15:21,543 --> 00:15:23,078
his medic alert bracelet,
345
00:15:23,145 --> 00:15:25,450
the tag on his suspiciously
tight undershirt.
346
00:15:25,517 --> 00:15:28,122
(chuckling): They�they all
say Ned Flanders.
347
00:15:28,222 --> 00:15:31,395
Stupid Flanders,
getting me kidnapped.
348
00:15:34,702 --> 00:15:37,273
You've brought me the wrong man!
349
00:15:37,340 --> 00:15:40,146
Okay, okay,
I'll just get rid of him.
350
00:15:41,381 --> 00:15:43,185
Don't kill him.
351
00:15:43,252 --> 00:15:44,020
Yet.
352
00:15:44,087 --> 00:15:45,557
It's your lucky day, big boy.
353
00:15:45,691 --> 00:15:47,895
I hope you like HGTV.
354
00:15:47,962 --> 00:15:50,701
This one loves
the Property Brothers.
355
00:15:50,767 --> 00:15:53,472
�Giant charmless goons.
�(whimpers)
356
00:15:53,540 --> 00:15:56,613
Oh, Lord, seems like
everything's gone screwy
357
00:15:56,646 --> 00:15:58,884
ever since I donated
that money in my name��
358
00:15:58,984 --> 00:16:02,190
(stammers) I mean,
in, uh, Paw Paw's name.
359
00:16:02,290 --> 00:16:05,864
Oh, are you punishing me
for one small,
360
00:16:05,931 --> 00:16:08,035
possibly prideful moment?
361
00:16:08,135 --> 00:16:09,471
(phone rings)
362
00:16:09,539 --> 00:16:11,609
(gasps) God?
363
00:16:11,709 --> 00:16:13,947
Not quite, church chum,
364
00:16:14,014 --> 00:16:16,886
but another friend of yours
is on the line.
365
00:16:16,953 --> 00:16:18,122
Flanders, you got to save me.
366
00:16:18,189 --> 00:16:20,226
This guy's way too weird
not to be dangerous.
367
00:16:20,293 --> 00:16:22,565
He doesn't even look
at his phone when he's bored.
368
00:16:22,631 --> 00:16:23,834
He's not human, I tell you.
369
00:16:23,900 --> 00:16:26,471
You've got 24 hours
to get me my money,
370
00:16:26,573 --> 00:16:29,879
or I'll take out his tonsils
with a power drill.
371
00:16:29,946 --> 00:16:31,014
No cops.
372
00:16:31,114 --> 00:16:32,618
(doorbell rings)
373
00:16:33,620 --> 00:16:35,122
Ned, Homer's missing.
374
00:16:35,189 --> 00:16:38,195
I just found the back door open,
his car's in the garage,
375
00:16:38,329 --> 00:16:41,769
and the dog looks really queasy
for some reason.
376
00:16:41,870 --> 00:16:42,738
(groans)
377
00:16:42,838 --> 00:16:44,575
(burps)
378
00:16:44,642 --> 00:16:46,278
The last thing I said to Homer
379
00:16:46,345 --> 00:16:49,184
was that he was the
most selfish man in the world.
380
00:16:49,284 --> 00:16:50,921
Do you think
I should call the police?
381
00:16:50,988 --> 00:16:53,325
FLANDERS:
Oh, no. If she calls the police, Homer's dead.
382
00:16:53,425 --> 00:16:56,933
If I want to save his life,
I have to... tell a lie.
383
00:16:57,033 --> 00:17:00,239
Uh, H�Homer, uh, uh,
stopped by here last night
384
00:17:00,306 --> 00:17:02,912
(stammers) and apologized
for being a jerk to me,
385
00:17:02,978 --> 00:17:05,116
and�and, uh, you know,
then he hopped on a bus
386
00:17:05,182 --> 00:17:07,387
to Shelbyville
for a�a�a three�day
387
00:17:07,487 --> 00:17:09,692
anger management course
at the Airport, uh, (stammers)
388
00:17:09,759 --> 00:17:11,061
Hyatt�Hyatt Express.
389
00:17:11,161 --> 00:17:13,065
That doesn't sound like Homer.
390
00:17:13,132 --> 00:17:14,401
Are you calling me a liar?!
391
00:17:14,502 --> 00:17:17,975
No, but if anyone other than you
told me that story,
392
00:17:18,042 --> 00:17:20,079
I'd be a little suspicious.
393
00:17:20,179 --> 00:17:22,618
Oh, you got to believe
old Honest Ned.
394
00:17:22,718 --> 00:17:25,958
Anyway, I'm, uh, late for my,
uh... hormone therapy.
395
00:17:26,058 --> 00:17:28,162
Bye, now. No cops.
396
00:17:28,229 --> 00:17:31,769
Something about this
just doesn't feel right.
397
00:17:31,836 --> 00:17:35,209
♪ ♪
398
00:17:51,308 --> 00:17:54,548
FAT TONY:
Ah, donut and a fried egg.
399
00:17:54,649 --> 00:17:58,222
You, stranger, are a man
of circular tastes.
400
00:17:59,825 --> 00:18:03,499
On the subject of circles,
some associates of yours
401
00:18:03,566 --> 00:18:07,641
roughed up a rotund gentleman
under my protection,
402
00:18:07,708 --> 00:18:10,212
and now I am irate.
403
00:18:10,346 --> 00:18:12,016
Hmm.
404
00:18:12,083 --> 00:18:16,358
Did you ever hear the parable
of Lucifer and the millipede?
405
00:18:16,425 --> 00:18:18,295
One day, a tiny millipede...
406
00:18:18,329 --> 00:18:21,536
Get the hell out of my town,
or else!
407
00:18:28,984 --> 00:18:30,086
(bell jingles)
408
00:18:30,119 --> 00:18:32,758
Excuse me.
Have you seen this man?
409
00:18:32,858 --> 00:18:34,427
Sure, that's the hobo
410
00:18:34,528 --> 00:18:36,465
that eats the day�olds
out of our dumpster.
411
00:18:36,566 --> 00:18:39,270
�Haven't seen him today, though.
�(groans)
412
00:18:40,439 --> 00:18:44,214
You just ate
your last cigar, old man.
413
00:18:45,617 --> 00:18:47,053
Ah, coffee.
414
00:18:47,153 --> 00:18:49,024
Exactly how I like it,
415
00:18:49,090 --> 00:18:50,794
scalding hot!
416
00:18:50,894 --> 00:18:52,898
Ah! But you said hot.
417
00:18:52,998 --> 00:18:54,334
Hot!
418
00:18:54,434 --> 00:18:57,206
�(gasps)
�(groans)
419
00:18:59,177 --> 00:19:00,747
(gasps) Gun!
420
00:19:00,847 --> 00:19:02,317
What the...
421
00:19:05,122 --> 00:19:06,993
(to tune of "Stayin' Alive"):
Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!
422
00:19:07,060 --> 00:19:09,932
Stayin'�� (screams)
423
00:19:10,032 --> 00:19:12,003
(screams)
424
00:19:12,070 --> 00:19:14,775
You should've let me
finish my parable!
425
00:19:15,510 --> 00:19:17,581
�(bell jingles)
�Ahoy�hoy.
426
00:19:20,386 --> 00:19:21,421
(gasps)
427
00:19:28,035 --> 00:19:30,206
�(gun clicks empty)
�Huh?
428
00:19:31,008 --> 00:19:32,043
Uh...
429
00:19:32,176 --> 00:19:34,214
(whimpering)
430
00:19:35,282 --> 00:19:37,353
FAT TONY:
Why are you dipping my face in dough?
431
00:19:37,420 --> 00:19:39,992
Why are you kneading my face
into an "O" shape?
432
00:19:40,059 --> 00:19:43,298
Why are you pushing my face
toward the deep fryer? (sobs)
433
00:19:43,332 --> 00:19:46,104
Oh, I see. Clever.
434
00:19:46,204 --> 00:19:48,777
�(Fat Tony screams)
�(grease sizzling, bubbling)
435
00:19:50,981 --> 00:19:53,419
Madam.
436
00:19:56,692 --> 00:19:58,395
(bell jingles)
437
00:19:59,197 --> 00:20:01,101
(gasps) Homer.
438
00:20:01,201 --> 00:20:03,005
�Oh, no.
�(bell jingles)
439
00:20:03,072 --> 00:20:06,144
Hands up. This is totally...
440
00:20:06,211 --> 00:20:08,082
Oh, God! My God!
441
00:20:08,182 --> 00:20:09,518
What the hell happened?!
442
00:20:09,585 --> 00:20:12,591
Oh, Mafia guys! Headless dude!
443
00:20:12,658 --> 00:20:14,695
Oh, Disco Man!
444
00:20:14,795 --> 00:20:16,431
I need some water.
445
00:20:16,498 --> 00:20:19,705
Oh! His face is a donut!
446
00:20:19,772 --> 00:20:22,009
That is so messed�up.
447
00:20:22,110 --> 00:20:24,347
♪ ♪
448
00:20:33,298 --> 00:20:35,035
(sinister laughing)
449
00:20:35,102 --> 00:20:38,208
Captioning sponsored by
20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION
450
00:20:38,275 --> 00:20:41,214
FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY
451
00:20:41,281 --> 00:20:44,020
And FORD.
We go further, so you can.
452
00:20:44,087 --> 00:20:46,793
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org
453
00:21:30,714 --> 00:21:32,350
Shh!
454
00:21:32,400 --> 00:21:36,950
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