All language subtitles for Our_Cartoon_President_S03E17.Closing Arguments.eng

Wow, this is it, folks!
Can you believe it?

Four years of edge-of-your-seat fun

all comes down to one day
of nut-crushing terror.

I haven't been this nervous
since the brief moment

between Jeffrey Epstein's
arrest and death.

I feel like I'm sitting on pins

and needle dick. Freudian slip!

Bottom line is my body has less
Vitamin D than a sock drawer.

Folks, ain't it great, folks?

The polls have me with a big ol' lead

that for some reason we're
supposed to trust this time!

If I didn't know better,

I'd think somebody was setting me up.

Come on out, Borax!

Joe says COVID will bring a dark winter,

and I say great!

Warming up under the
covers is the best way

to watch a scary movie
where everyone dies!

How many of you folks are voting
via absentee ballot, huh?

Great!

And how many are voting
in person on Election Day?

Cool, cool.

I'm sure our honorable Supreme Court

will treat all votes the same.

What's it up to now?

Eight Catholics and a lady who
answers to "baby vessel"?

My path to victory is clear.

I just have to unite my vast
coalition of poor and rich racists!

I'm looking at you, suburban women,

who's biggest contribution
to the black community

was renting Get Out on Prime.

I promise to stand by Joe's
side for the next four years.

But, if he runs for a second term,

we are going to have problems!

Oh, my God! It's gonna be a bloodbath!

He could win Texas!

What happened... besides the plague?

I'm gonna just keep going.

The longer I talk,

the less time Joe has to fuck it up.

You know when you make a bad choice,

but it's too late to back out,

so you invest your whole being

into a worthless sack of shit

you just know will ruin your life?

Uhp, forgot who I'm talking to.

You guys get it.

Give it up for Melania.
I love her so much,

and one day I'll find
out where she lives.

Folks, Trump, COVID, folks.

This is about democracy.
It's about character.

This is about democracy.
It's about character.

Jill! I'm stuck in one of
those mental loops again!

Ladies and gentlemen,
because I made a promise,

and my word is as good

as the gold paint on my hotel toilets,

I present to you, the cure for COVID-19!

Hillary Dickory Dock!

I can't show it to you

until after you re-elect me.

Magician rules, you see.

Dad, Don made me drink
a gallon of clamato juice

and then locked me in this empty box!

By the way, you're gonna
wanna hose this out.

This bungled sleight of hand

is in no way a perfect
metaphor for my Presidency.

And for my next trick,

I'll be firebombing
the US Postal Service!

Whoo!

By the way, good luck
catching a bus home.

Hope you brought space heaters.

- One, two, three.
- Geez, if you want the job so bad,

- you can have it.
- Four!

- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --

I can't wait to get my
2020 electoral map

laminated into placemats
for the next state dinner.

And we're gonna get those
really, really long sandwiches.

What's the latest on
Operation Election Day,

subhead "Don't Make Me
Look Like a Loser"?

We've gerrymandered
California to a point

where L.A. and San Francisco are,

electorally speaking, ocean.

And our Macedonian bots
are spreading a conspiracy

that Joe Biden has his pants
stuffed with a mannequin's ass.

I can already taste the hoagie juice

sucked from every tiny wrinkle
in the palm of my hand.

But none of it is working.

You're trailing so badly

that Mississippi is a swing state.

But they cleared a space
on their flag just for me!

There is... one option left.

Have you considered
actually campaigning?

I campaign all the time.

My rallies even have people
who pay more to sit

in the "splash zones"!

- I mean shaking hands...
- Ew, yuck. Both of 'em?

- Having conversations...
- Snooze.

Making eye contact...

Yuck. Both of 'em?

Showing voters you're a
real person who cares.

The fastest way to become a
loser is to care about losers.

Now make yourselves useful

and get me one of those mannequin asses.

Moving on up!

White House basement, here we come!

The latest poll has us up
with women, under 35's,

- and non-whites.
- That's offensive!

They prefer to be called Black.

But we're facing a major enthusiasm gap.

Only 20 percent of Democrats

say they're planning to vote this year.

Don't blame 'em. Who looks
forward to going to a smelly gym

full of all your neighbors asking you

to return their power tools?

Joe, you need to give the voters
that last inspiring message

that gets their butts off
the couch of indifference

and into the voting booth of apathy.

Hey, Jill! Hey, Jackie!

Joe, what was your Halloween promise?

If I can wear my costume all day

and eat the Clark Bars,

then I will go back to campaigning
full-time in November.

And what is your inspiring
closing message?

We can't know the
message until it's said.

And that message, whatever it will be,

is inspiring, because I,
Joe Biden, am spoutin' it!

Jackie never hassles
me about this stuff.

If you need us we'll be
playin' Ding Dong Ditch,

forgetting to run, and
instead talkin' to folks

about why the Iraq War
made sense at the time.

Dad, what the shit are all these
moving company fliers doing

in the front doorway?

I thought they were takeout menus

and ordered "the bubble wrap" for lunch.

Now every time something bumps my tum...

Dad, Eric's showing off!

Despite my popularity among patriots

exercising their right to
defecate in grocery stores

with unconstitutional mask requirements,

- other voters are being total teases.
- Wait.

Record scratch 3000.

Are you gonna friggin' lose?

Relax, I can reverse the insurrection

with an executive order declaring
the whole thing a mulligan.

But, if you lose, your only power

will be stopping golf games
early for omelette o'clock.

You ingrate.

You've benefited the most
from omelette o'clock!

If we move, will I have to go
back to my old pediatrician?

She said my soft spot
was healing opposite

and now my whole head is soft.

Dad, you need to get
people to vote for you.

I already asked Kimberly Guilfoyle

to be my date at "Inauguration 2"

for our slammiversary!

Sorry, Don. I didn't get into
politics to beg for votes.

I did it to tick off Barack Obama

by sleeping in his bed.

Hey, Jackie,

do you think we can get Aretha Franklin

to sing at my inauguration, too?

At this rate, there won't
be an inauguration.

Aw, Jill, there's an
inauguration every year.

They're rain or shine, sweetie.

Just tell voters that you, Joe Biden,

are the only one standing between them

and an inferno of irreversible trauma.

Messages are so divisive.

I like being the generic guy

everyone is reluctantly "okay" with.

I need you to be the guy who wins,

just this once, okay?

Or I will lose my goddamn mind.

Hey! I think voters got it by now.

And if not, there's always 2024.

Joe, this might not be
your last campaign,

but it will be the last one
where I clean up your mistakes.

Jackie's a bad influence!

A dash of Monticello

and a splash of Versailles.

Honestly, I could live with it.

What exactly am I looking at?

There's a slight chance
I might retire mid-week.

Totally under control, by the way.

But in that event, I've settled

on my humble post-White House quarters.

Are those topiaries of dinosaurs?

Yes, and that's a fountain
statue of Kimberly Guilfoyle

leaving Don Jr. for me at the altar.

It's not like leaving the
Vatican, Mr. President.

Your government-subsidized housing

depends on winning this thing.

Can you at least cosign

a $450 million loan?!

No one will even recognize me.

No one ever recognizes
"Jukebox Billy Pips."

Hey! Where is everyone?

I'm here to talk to voters.

We're going to just
watch the focus group

on closed circuit TV. They can't see us.

But they'll never know what hit 'em!

So, are you voting for Trump?

- Hell no!
- So you're voting for Biden then?

Huh. Guess I haven't
thought that far ahead!

If I don't show up to vote for Trump,

I think they count it
as an automatic vote

for that Biden guy.

I know I'm not for Trump.

I just don't know what Biden stands for.

Oh, didn't he come out
against circumcision?

No, you're thinking of Bernie Sanders.

No, no, no, Bernie is
the healthcare guy.

I think Trump is no-cut.

Just a few more pajama-soaking
night-sweats away

from waking up on a yacht
in French Polynesia.

Barack! I need a closing message.

Can I have "Yes We Can"?

No. I stole it fair and square.

Fine, can Michelle be my wife?

Just until Tuesday night at 9:00!

Joe, you need to look
deep inside yourself

and find your own message.

I don't know if I have it in me.

Me, Joe Biden.

I'm in disguise, remember?

At first, I wasn't sure
about picking you as my VP.

But then you stormed into my office

screaming about how good Robert
Downey Jr. was in Tropic Thunder.

That's when I knew you were
the key to locking down voters

who like dog-whistles more than policy.

And you can deliver a
game-changing message again, Joe.

Thanks, Barack!

Just like Robert Downey Jr.,

I can do anything!

Even the really ill-advised stuff!

Now comes the most difficult time

of my Presidency.

I've decided to win this election

and prove I'm not a loser.

Finally! How do we rig this thing?

By doing the unthinkable.

I'm going to talk to the normal,
everyday Americans

that are essential to the cheap,
itchy fabric of this nation.

I'm going to find out what they...

- ... care about.
- Just don't let the campaign trail

make you into one of those
bleeding-heart politicians

like Mitch McConnell.

I would never do that, Don.

I promise to always put myself first.

In case you forget, take this.

What the fuck is this?

It's the toaster that
Grandpa Fred gave to us.

I knew that!

He said that if we ever find ourselves

reaching a hand out to help someone,

we should put that hand
right in here instead,

so you can feel how
harmful compassion is.

Boys, we've got an election to win.

Just a quick reminder that
the election is this Tuesday,

so pretty quick turnaround on this one.

I'm Lester Holt, and the
magazines in my bathroom

will always be current.

As Election Day nears, an
embattled President Trump

has traded his MAGA
rallies for retail politics.

Sources spotted him at an Iowa diner

connecting with undecided voters.

Could this be a new, humble,
possibly hypnotized Trump?

I've never been prouder
of you, Mr. President.

As soon as you begin to talk
to the heterosexual people

of this fine country,

I know you're going to
love 'em to pieces.

Please tell me the Secret
Service will open fire

if they try to eat my crullers.

Here comes one now.

Hi, Mr. President! I'm Terry.

Hi, dumb, ugly Terry.

I'm listening.

- My son's in the military...
- Uh-huh.

I can't afford insulin.

So you're wrapping it up
soon, then, life-wise?

And we got 23 potholes
on the main road here.

Then move to Palm Beach, genius.

At Snyder's grocery on Maple,

they'll double your dairy
coupons on Tuesdays,

but it's still not nearly enough

if you're trying to buy a gallon of milk

- for your kids' three different cereals.
- Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop!

Ahhhh! Open fire!

I need you guys to help me

come up with a closing message.

I never had one in the primaries

'cause y'all folded so
fast voting didn't matter.

No one liked all my planning,

so maybe try something
like, "Fine, smart asses,

find your own way out of this hellhole."

Maybe "All for Medicare,"

or is preventing stadium-sized morgues

still somehow controversial.

Try "Quiero Super PAC dinero."

Plays to multiple demographics.

Whoa, you all talk fast.

Okay, so, we got:

"Smart asses, find your
own Medicare. Gracias."

Sure, Joe. Sounds good.

Hey, break a leg out there.

- Yeah, Joe, break a leg.
- Break a leg, buddy.

Mr. President, it's my distinct honor

to bring MyPillow to your doorstep.

Behold, the height of
pillow-stuffing technology.

Thanks. So what sort of blue-collar
trash am I looking at here?

You ever wonder how
we get the cushioning

in the pillow sack?

I'm picturing a turducken situation?

Oh, boy, you're in for a treat!

Let me get the Koosher going.

While Mike's doing that,
I just want to tell

all the blue collar voters
I care about you.

Oh, goodness, I seem
to have gotten caught.

Oh! Mr. President, this
could be an opportunity

to display some compassion.

If anyone deserves compassion,

it's me for missing Judge
Jeanine for this event.

Not to worry, maybe I can
just kick the switch off.

Good Christ in trap-house
heaven, my arm!

Help me!

Should we go?

And that's how I got elected

the first white lifeguard at
that South African prison!

I want to thank y'all for coming out,

and I just want to say,

on behalf of the entire
Democratic party,

this Tuesday, November 3rd...

_

Break a leg!

Or... if you like your legs,

you can keep it!

Bernie only suspended
his campaign, right?

Well, that was a nightmare.

The MyPillow guy got blood on my sock.

The good news is Mr. Lindell's
arm is salvageable!

So Lindell's still got two arms,

and I might only have one term?

- How is that fair?
- It's certainly not.

I have a great deal of empathy for you.

Empa-what? Did you mean to say

"Debra Messing is a
very nasty has-been"?

No, sir, "empathy"!

It's an emotion.

Do you know what empathy is?

Of course I don't know the
word you just made up.

There are only two emotions
and you don't seem screaming,

so you must be hungry.

Empathy is understanding
what someone else is feeling,

placing yourself in
someone else's position.

I do it every day with anyone
who looks exactly like me.

- Sounds gross.
- Try this.

Close your eyes and
imagine a nice young man

at that diner wanting a sandwich.

How is this my problem?

Now imagine you're that nice young man,

and you want that sandwich.

Then someone better get
that Trump a sandwich!

Empathy. Of course!

Caring about someone if
they are you in your head!

I told the voters one
message and got bupkis.

I said the opposite,
and it was even quieter.

They just like that I'm not the guy

in the White House right now.

It's your best asset,
and we can't ignore it.

What do you say I get Hunter
to ask his Ukrainian friends

to hack voting machines

so ballots just say
"Trump" or "Not Trump."

There's not enough time! Think, Joe!

Something that says your name

and what we want people
to do with your name.

Uh, vote... Joe?

Wow, simple message for a simple man.

- I love it.
- I don't know.

It doesn't say much.

Which is perfect for you!

If you say so, Barack.

I do. I really do. Vote Joe.

- Vote Joe!
- Vote Joe.

- Vote Joe!
- Vote Joe!

Welcome to tonight's town hall.

I'm Chuck Todd and people
must always be telling

a really funny joke just
as I'm leaving the barber.

Tonight, President Trump will talk
directly with undecided voters.

Happy to be here to empathize

with all these average
American low-lives.

Our first question comes from Susannah

or maybe Sus-on-nah.

Mr. President, you're a rich
man with several homes.

I'm about to lose my house,
and I fear losing my job.

Why should we vote for you
if you can't possibly relate

to the struggles of
common people like us?

Sandwich.

Trump Susannah, I feel like I know you,

and everyone else in this room

who is in danger of
losing their livelihood.

I could lose my job in a few days, too.

I feel your pain.

Thank you, Mr. President.

Thank you so much.

Did Mr. President Trump
just become Mr. President?

Time to unveil my exciting new message

to the world.

You sure about this, honey?

Those TikTok teens take
you to the cleaners

every time you go on Facebook Live.

Exactly. I need to dive
into the deep end!

Hi, fam. It's me, Joe Biden.

I want to thank you all
for sticking with me.

Even when I went missing for three weeks

and the campaign was
interviewing body doubles.

The teens are cry-laughing,
it's the kiss of death!

You ever been on a road trip

with someone so long
that you get seatbelt-itch

and run out of things to talk about?

The quizzical faces are turning angry.

Do something!

What I'm saying is,
of course you all hate Trump,

but I'm not sure you got the message

to actually vote for me...

so... vote Joe.

That's it. Vote Joe.

- What faces are they using?!
- They love me!

They're sending me li'l
pictures of their asses!

Let's hear it for your
second-term President!

Thank you, thank you.

It's so nice to see everyone.

I couldn't have done it
without the selfless

- and patient Mike Pence.
- Don't thank me.

I'm but a vessel for our burly white god

- and his shredded white son.
- Whatever, weirdo.

Another term means more stimulus checks

for "dead people" going
straight into our pockets!

And we're putting pillories
back in courthouses!

What enthusiasm!

I can't wait to brainstorm with you all

about my second-term proposal

guaranteeing a living wage
for every average Trump.

That's what he calls
average Americans now.

I thought he called them
fugly crap-lickers.

Breaking news at this hour,

our NBC flash poll confirms

a late surge of enthusiasm
among Biden supporters.

It's all attributed to the
"Vote Joe" message

that has taken the nation by storm.

I love it and I'm definitely
going to do it.

Not sure who this Joe guy is

or what he stands for,
but he's not Trump

and that's a message I can get behind.

Item as described.

Experts are predicting record turnout

on Tuesday for Democrats.

Now that's what I'm talking about!

Boom shakalaka.

Joe, what's the matter?
You heard Lester.

I'm glad the message is working.

I want people in the polls.

But do they even know
who this Joe guy is

they're all excited about?

Joe, you're overthinking it.

This is the kind of real winning
message I was talking about!

If I'm such a winner,

how come I feel like Beto O'Rourke?

You'll feel like a winner on Tuesday,

and that's all that matters.

Listen up,

the President's got something to say

and no matter how many times

he says the words "northern aggressors,"

you're gonna clap your hands and salute.

Hey, everyone, thanks
for coming out today,

hope everyone found parking okay.

As average American Trumps
head to the polls on Tuesday,

I just want you all to know

that you've opened the
doors of my heart forever.

After I win reelection,
my first plan is to sub in

some of your brave new
voices into my cabinet.

- Hang on, what?
- I'm thinking Trump Greta Thunberg

as Energy Secretary.

Oh! And maybe Trump Malala
leading Homeland Security,

she's kind of a citizen of the world.

Until then, I'm handing my Twitter over

to Trump Ilhan Omar
to amplify her voice.

Um, the president's voice box

has been compromised
by the liberal elites,

and I will get to the bottom of this

because I went to Harvard

so I know how you sickos think.

So long, my lovelies!

Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah!

Joe, honey, are you okay?

Never been better!

I figured out a message
that really represents me!

It's Vote Joe 2.0!

"Joe Loves Guessing
People's Races at Parties!"

Joe, what's true isn't
always what's right.

Ugh! I worked so hard on this.

It's the real me!

But "Vote Joe" is the right message

to get us to the White House.

I don't wanna get to the White House

if nobody knows why I'm there!

You were the one that told
me that in the first place!

This is the real me!

And if people don't like it,

they don't have to vote for me!

You're one of them now.

You missed omelette o'clock this morning

because you were too busy
caring about other people!

Quit touching my hand
like some guy you paid

- to walk me to school!
- You're angry.

I empathize, Don.

You're almost making me
want to comfort him!

You're playing with fire!

All we wanted you to do
was to not be a loser

and stay President,

but you fell into a huge pity trap.

You're listening to voters,

and you're not listening to yourself.

But the polls show it's working!

A better man makes a worse father.

You may win the election,
but you've lost our vote.

Don, I hate hurting you!

What's happening?

Who put these tears on my face?!

A family ripped apart...

I'm Gayle King and if CBS makes
me interview R. Kelly again,

they contractually have
to give me Nickelodeon.

Welcome back to my exclusive sit-down

with Eric and Donald Trump Jr.

Boys, how did we get here?

He said he'd be President,

but, but, but...

- And who is "he"?
- Dad.

Well, he used to be our dad.

Now he's just some loser
who tucks me in at night

and tells me, no matter what,
I'll always be his son.

So what does your relationship
look like with your father now?

Stop calling him that!

Gayle, I'm here to announce
that I've filed paperwork

to make Brett Kavanaugh our new dad.

Was this legally necessary?

Your guess is as good as mine.

Brett Kavanaugh is an actual winner

and never lets his religious
convictions, work, or integrity

get in the way of his
boundaryless desires.

I'm amped. I always wanted
sons to hold my legs up

during lunchtime keg stands.

Daddy's home!

I understand their pain,

and I frickin' hate it!

Joe, is this a resignation letter?

You're an integral part of this team,

and I've decided to promote you.

You're hereby the Democratic nominee

for President of the United States.

I made a commitment to
be your Vice President

until you inevitably follow a
loose balloon into traffic.

No time to waste! Here's all the
oppo research on Donald Trump.

If you dig around, you'll find
some pretty nasty stuff

about his thoughts on non-whites.

Joe, can't you see you're
the perfect candidate?

But no one knows what
I stand for or who I am!

Exactly! Your four decades
of contradictions

means everyone in America

has agreed with one of your
positions at some point.

You can't be pegged down as one thing.

You're right. I'm not one single thing!

But that means, I'm nothing.

You just have to make believing
in nothing something!

Oh, Hairless Santa,

it was unforgivable when
Obama removed you

from the Oval Office.

You're coming with me.

Coach K is blowing the
whistle on this adoption.

Your boys need you, Trump.

Give me a break. They hang
on every slurred word

coming out of your thin,
ever-quivering lips.

Okay. I need you.

I can't look after those
misbehaved little shits

while also working
full-time to ban women

from playing soccer in
maxipad commercials!

I have been drunk since seven a.m.

That's a full hour earlier than usual!

But I'm too much of a
selfless loser for them

to ever embrace me again.

You need selfishness training?

Well. I'm your shitbag sensei.

_

_

Hi, America! I'm Chuck Todd.

And I haven't slept in weeks
because the election

is only hours away...

Holy shit, my heart's
going friggin' nuts.

The candidates are about
give their closing arguments.

I am so aroused right now.

And I'm so tired.

But I'm so jazzed!

But so tired.

Why did you make us come

to our ex-stepdad's stupid speech?

Just shut up and listen to it

and I'll buy you each a toy afterwards.

Oh, goddamn right you will.

And candy maybe.

My fellow Americans...

Oh, no, don't let this happen now.

He's about to blow chunks!

I knew we shouldn't have
sat in the splash zone!

I'm Joe Biden, and I want you all to...

- Vote Joe!
- Vote Joe!

Just say it!

"I'm nothing... I'm nothing... "

I'm asking each and every
one of you to vote...

for nothing.

What?

Alright, Fred Trump, don't fail me now.

The toaster!

He's doing it!

Say "Vote Joe" right now,

or I'm leaving you for Joaquin Castro!

Have you seen his six-pack, Joe?

She will not be back.

Relax, I got this.

You heard me, folks.
I said "Vote for Nothing."

In the year 2020, too much happened.

It's always this or that.

There's a bunch of rabid
vermin in America's attic.

Wouldn't you rather have
nothing in our attic for awhile?

No baby cages, no race
wars, no pandemics?

I stand before you as a man
with nothing going on upstairs.

And for the first time
in modern history,

nothing is something.

Nothing! Nothing! Nothing!

- He did it!
- Sorry, Joaquin, wrong number.

I meant to call Joe.

You can do it, Dad!

Grill your hands, Dad!

You always knew this election

would come down to you and a toaster.

Time to bring it home.

Aah! Aah!

I'm the only Donald Trump?

I am the only Donald Trump!

And I listened to what
you all had to say

on the campaign trail.

You're scared that you won't be
able to put food on the table

for your greedy, fat families.

Worried sick that your insulin addiction

will send you to the poorhouse.

I heard you and I don't care.

I will never care.

The only thing I care about is me.

So if you care about me
more than your loser family

or the even bigger loser troops,

vote for me, the only Donald Trump.

Dad! You're back!

Twist my titties so I know it's real!

It's just like Christmas morning!

Except Dad is here!

What an adrenaline rush!

I never actually said
anything I believed before

without having to immediately
confiscate the footage.

I never lost faith in you, Joe.

Well, maybe I lost it a little

in between you saying "I'm
running for" and "President."

Hey, Jill, think we could
bake Jackie into a pie

without her finding out about it?

It means a lot to me that you skipped

that children's hospital
visit to be here.

They aren't going anywhere anytime soon.

If the last two days
have taught me anything,

it's that you can't
neglect the relationships

you hold most dear.

Bedminster, Mar-a-Lago,

and even Trump National
right here in Virginia.

I haven't spent time on
these fairways in days.

I'm so glad to have you
back, President Dad.

Now get the hell outta here,

I'm meeting my friends,
Jim Jordan, Erdogan,

and Frank Stallone,
for a quick 36 holes.

It's Election Day Eve,

and Americans will finally decide

whether Joe Biden ascends
to the White House,

or Donald Trump beats a
referendum on his first term.

Goodnight, and go vote.

Are we off the air?

I hate that I can only say "go vote."

Biden has his problems,

but you'd have to be a
fucking idiot to vote for...

♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪

♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪

♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪

♪ Yes, he is ♪

♪ Yes, he is, we elected him president ♪

♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪

♪ Yes, he is ♪

♪ We had a vote and
elected him president ♪

♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪

♪ Donald Trump ♪

♪ He is our president ♪

♪ We made him president ♪

♪ We did it ♪

♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪

♪ We elected Donald Trump ♪

♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪

♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

Trump!