Original subtitles

- Synced and corrected by Firefly - - www.addic7ed.com -

- ♪ Save ♪ - _

- ♪ The ♪ - _

- ♪ Right ♪ - _

It was the summer of 2019.

We conservatives had been forced

- to the margins of society. - _

Why is Facebook censoring conservative bloggers

- such as Diamond and Silk? - _

We barely controlled three branches of government

- and could only show our faces - _

- at exclusive luxury beach resorts. - _

Many by now have heard that I was asked

to leave a restaurant this weekend

where I attempted to have dinner with my family.

But one day, a humble, powerless president

stood up and said, "No more".

Aah! Climate change is a hoax!

This new legislation will assure election integrity

by mandating that all of Atlanta share one ballot

and you can only vote if you just left Clint Eastwood's

latest "white resentment" blockbuster.

And before you accuse me of limiting minority access

to the polls, listen to this cabinet member

I selected for no particular reason.

I'm cool with it.

Oh-kay, Ben, as long as you're cool with it.

And to my supporters, harass anyone who opposes this bill!

Not that anyone will, because Ben said it's fine.

I'm Rachel Maddow, and it's not a manic episode

if it's been going on for three years.

Tonight, we're talking about the President's

new voting-rights bill with Senator Elizabeth Warren.

This law will disproportionately

affect Democrats and minorities like me...

a-and when I said "me"

I was referring to the Democrat part...

Oh, shit!

Dad, why are all these people

treating you like a loser inner-city kindergarten teacher?

Boys, you're old enough to know

about the deep generational wound America has yet to heal...

bigotry against conservatives.

I first experienced it in 2011.

I was just trying to keep my head down

and not ruffle feathers.

- Barack Obama was born in Kenya, - _

Mohamed Atta was his college roommate,

and I once talked Michelle out of strangling a bald eagle.

But Obama just couldn't let me live my life.

Uh, as you can see in my long-form birth certificate,

I was born in America,

contrary to Mr. Trump's assertion.

He was merciless.

He made me feel like I was not

a rightful citizen of this country!

But conservatives contribute so much to society.

Arts, sciences, education... we gutted all that boring shit!

I just wish I showed courage and fought back.

I've regretted it even more than telling that waitress,

"We're all set on breadsticks."

I'm worried. Should I finally move to Wichita

and just open that Halloween costume store?

Yes, yes, absolutely yes.

Your bags are in an idling car outside.

As for the rest of us,

let's pray that tomorrow's a better day.

♪ Why ♪

♪ We ♪

♪ Fight ♪

Good morning, everyone, from New York.

We're learning the news along with you.

- Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram - _

have handed down a week-long suspension

to a dozen conservatives.

- Aah! - And for what?

Simply sending credible death threats to Trump critics.

This is a worse violation of rights than Jim Crow,

which I'm absolutely sure I would have marched against.

One of the suspended accounts

belonged to noted conservative and pundit

who says he's not racist but sure says "Detroit" a lot,

Ben Shapiro, seen here.

- Reparations make no sense - _

since Obama marked the end of racism, full-stop.

Poor people are not entitled to rich people's money,

which they inherited fair and square.

Now, that's a weird, sexless leader I want on my team.

Also suspended... Donald Trump Jr.

What cruel god would allow this?

I'm just a little kid!

It's only a matter of time before they find out

that I also tweet.

The left is ferocious!

They won't stop until we show an inkling of self-reflection.

Tell 'em, Ben.

We must lead conservatives out of the shadows.

We can't even go on a bus anymore

without staring at a Muslim guy and missing our stop!

We must protect our right to chant "MAGA"

on a cross-country flight without harassment.

Everywhere I go, people spit in my face

and handcuff my right wrist to my left ankle,

and I'm pretty sure it's because I'm a conservative!

I agree with Ben Shapiro, Stephen Miller, and Ted Cruz.

Hold your horses.

Susan Collins is all for taking a stand,

but not if it means facing any consequences.

Gotta say, I agree with Collins.

- You can't agree with both sides, Pompeo. - I agree.

But where will the persecution end?

Today, it's our Twitter accounts.

Tomorrow, it's our Yahoo! accounts we only use

for politically incorrect chain letters.

Will we ever laugh again?!

If you ever need a chuckle,

you can always kick Pompeo in the gonads.

That goes for all of you.

Sorry to interject,

but aren't we the most powerful people on the planet?

My name's on the money.

If we're so powerful, how come we're so whiny?!

Mr. President, I support everything you do,

including when you installed a pinball machine

on John McCain's grave,

but how do we overthrow an oppressive system

when our house is divided?!

Shut up!

If there's one thing we can agree on,

it's we must kick Pompeo's gonads.

- Yeah! - Yes!

Great! Now line up.

Just ask Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi

to get my account reinstated!

They're basically tech lobbyists who do politics as a fun hobby.

They won't listen to a conservative like me.

They don't think of me as a person,

especially after I wore ripped shorts

and walked on all fours to mess with them.

Dad, I consider myself an alpha male with rhinoceros skin,

but right now this lil' dinosaur needs some help.

I've never helped anyone,

and I'm not about to lose my H-Card with you.

Why are you so upset?

Is it because you can't harass Parkland kids while we bone?

When you're in your forties and still growing up,

your dad is supposed to be there for you.

Ah, you're getting so emotional!

Are you about to ask me to marry you in an opulent,

Cleopatra-themed wedding this weekend

at the Fontainebleau Miami?

Because I booked it, just in case.

I am not emotional!

I'm just gonna be a big strong man

and ask Chuck and Nancy to fix this problem for me!

My crack is sober... you know what to do.

One beer down the crack, coming up.

The oppression of conservatives

is becoming too much to bear.

Uh, no Doy!

After my confirmation hearing,

I couldn't show my face at O'Shittery's Beer Dump

for three whole Thirsty Thursdays!

If only there was a way to throw a big enough tantrum

that this nation gives us what we want just to shut us up.

Oh, but there is...

What's this a photo of... a bag of congealed oatmeal?

It's me havin' a good cry!

Do the same until the tears make such a huge puddle,

it won't be clear if it's tears or pee.

Everyone will be afraid to ask,

so they'll just take whiffs to see if they can smell pee.

Once they're sure it's not pee, they'll be so grateful,

you'll get exactly what you want from them.

You're overselling it. I'll do it!

This country will finally become a safe space

for everyone who whines about safe spaces.

The doctors say his gonads have a long road ahead for them,

so let's hear some love for Pompeo.

Keep it up, slugger!

Doctor said he's never seen anything like it.

And a heads up that Ben Shapiro and I

are leading a movement for equal rights for conservatives.

- Whoa! - You're moving too fast!

Society's not ready for this!

For too long, conservatives have been in the shadows,

and it's time to show America that we won't stand for it.

Uh, we have all the money and all the power.

The only movement I'm for is to save Pompeo's baby maker.

The doctor said that's not in the cards.

The stories of oppression

you're about to hear are harrowing.

I hope you didn't eat breakfast.

To be honest, once breakfast is put in front of me,

I kind of black out, and next thing you know,

I have to change my shirt.

I was supposed to speak

at University of California, Berkeley,

about why white people deserve reparations

for all the times we had to feel guilty about being white,

and I was run off campus!

YouTube refused to host my videos

just because I said all school shooting victims

were portrayed by Oscar-winning actress Brie Larson

in the performance of a lifetime!

I just wanna hug him.

So, I'm sprintin' down a dark freeway

wearing only what God gave me,

and a legion of bikers is bearin' down on me so close

that their side mirrors are knockin' my funny bones.

One of the angrier fellas who had a toddler

smokin' a cigarette balanced on his handlebars

must've put out a call because, next thing I know,

green glass bottles are rainin' down from the overpass

on every side, and I'm thinking,

"Does this road ever go downhill?!"

Wow! All for being a conservative.

Maybe, but more likely I'd say

any one of the nine things I did that night.

There's a line around the White House

of conservatives ready to complain.

How did it get this bad?

Somewhere along the way,

it became okay to discriminate based on the color

you paint your face at fraternity parties.

Well, would you look at this!

Donald Trump Jr. in my office.

This must be some kind of trick, so I got the twins ready...

Julian and Joaquin.

I'm not here to wrestle for dominance.

I'm here to ask for help getting my Twitter back

before some kid thinks he can protest climate change

without his sexual orientation being questioned.

Sure. Why not?

Wait. You're just gonna help me?

Whenever my dad does me a favor,

he increases the licensing fee on my own last name.

Sometimes you tweet a picture

of Ocasio-Cortez with devil horns...

And we just laugh and laugh...

Well, great seeing you.

Tell your father we have a budget resolution to cave on.

Don, why aren't you leaving?

Sorry. It's just, you guys not treating me like ass...

I'm not used to that kind of parental warmth.

Hey, you guys wanna get ice cream?! Yeah!

Nancy, Chuck, come on!

One of the most effective tactics

in any civil-rights movement is the non-violent protest

that shocks the nation out of complacency.

That's where you come in, Stevie.

We need you to step onto a liberal campus

and get your ass kicked.

And for your efforts, we offer you...

Nothing necessary. I live for this.

Good, because that was the offer.

But what if my natural charm

makes Antifa refuse to attack me?

Then just make up a story.

Keep it simple so no one pokes holes in it.

- So then the seven-foot art-history major - _

raised his battle Axe and roared,

"Name thyself, conservative who hath dared pass hither!"

I replied, "Lo, I am an innocent carpenter's apprentice

here to spread the good news of common-sense baby caging."

A carpenter's apprentice?

As the vape-smoking beast chained me to the rack,

his fellow Antifa begged for my guts

while big-bosomed maidens

cried out for mercy on the handsome stranger.

Damn it. I'm starting to get invested.

How did you get out? Did you use

the sorcerer's gem stone you found in the brook?

A tale for another day!

- Aww. - The point is...

If people bought it,

there should be rioting in the streets.

Nope.

Whoa!

This thing is great!

My dad never let me ride one

because he could tell I enjoyed it too much.

Whoa! What happened?!

It's just out of time, buddy.

You can do one more ride, but then Nancy and I

have to go back and run the United States Congress.

One and then one more?

- Fine. - Yeeeaahhh!

And watch me this time and give me encouragement!

- Are you watching? - We're watching.

- Look here! - Oh, yeah!

I think... I got air!

- Sure. You got air. - Oh, wow!

Oh, my God. He's sleeping.

Wake up, Don. We're here.

Whoa! Thanks for taking me to Toy Story 4,

and the gummy worms, and picture next to the movie poster.

Don't thank us. You wouldn't stop crying

and rolling on the ground unless we did what you asked.

Well, see you again soon, champ.

- Don. Everything alright? - Yeah.

Why aren't you getting out and going to your home?

- I love you guys. - Oh, God.

He's imprinted on us like a duck.

We have to keep him, don't we?

I heard that! Quack-quack!

Nothing's working. We need to take a big swing.

How about an executive order declaring conservatives

- are a protected class? - Pffff.

The president will never go for it.

- What? - He's got too much on his plate...

immigrants flooding over the border,

economic bubble about to pop... he doesn't care about us.

- Sir, you must know... - So let me get this straight...

you're just gonna waltz into the White House,

ask to see the President,

and then after you're ushered into his office,

he'll say, "Sure, Ben, whatever you want!"

- You're a fucking idiot! - Are you...

It's over! It'll never work!

So quit living in your fantasy world!

Sir, did you actually forget you were president?

I remembered in the middle,

but it was too late to turn back.

This executive order designates conservatives

as a federally protected class,

affording them such equality measures

as special parking spots

and equal time for a right-wing sketch comedy show.

Hello, there's nothing we can't have!

Shut up, nerd!

Boys, let's head to O'Shittery's!

If anybody looks at us weird, we burn the place down!

This isn't even your branch of government.

You're in the wrong branch!

Okay, you win, psycho.

Welcome, all, to the San Francisco Pride Parade.

This is so much more fun

than the "Dads For Family Court Reform" Parade.

And guess what.

I just heard back from our friends at Twitter headquarters.

We got them to lift your week-long suspension!

And it only took seven days. Celebratory selfie!

Say, "I love you and will always be there for you

in a way that no one ever haaaassss!"

Well, you're back on Twitter,

so I guess you don't need us anymore.

Wait, wait! Oh! You haven't met Kimberly yet!

You're gonna love her. She has this hilarious story

about making fun of a cameraman's gross birthmark

and then it turned out to be cancer.

She can tell it better.

Tune in to NBC

on Sunday night for the premiere of

"Koch Industries Presents: Sunday Night Live"

with host Charlie Kirk and musical guest Rand Paul,

featuring a digital short on Planned Parenthood.

I'm gonna be groggy Monday morning.

Hey. Good morning.

First you go to the gay pride parade with Chuck and Nancy

and now we're having dinner with them?

They're a little kooky, but great if you get to know them.

You got a flyaway hair right over your...

Is this her? Hello, Kimberly.

You're even cuter than Don said you were!

Nancy, take the lamb out of the oven! They're here!

Ahh. What?!

They're here! Lamb! Now!

So, then Steny Hoyer says to Dick Durbin,

"Why are you wearing flip-flops?"

Ahh...

So, Don tells us you're a conservative firebrand.

Is that fun?

It's the best. I trigger so many liberals.

Oh, but long-term, she wants to be an archaeologist.

What? I don't even know what that is.

I don't either. Just go with it.

It's fine. Let's just talk about something else.

Need some wine.

Need some lamb in my...

Ohh! Uh, did you see Don at the gay pride parade?

I did! Wow! I haven't seen him that happy

since he blew that silverback's head off at two yards.

And did he tell you that, next weekend,

we're gonna go see glaciers melting?

Oh, the same weekend

as my best friend Katelyn's gender-reveal party

where they're gonna stuff a grenade in the cake?

We can just skip it and go to the birth.

I thought you were just getting your Twitter account reinstated,

not becoming Al Gore!

My relationship with Mom and D...

Nancy and Chuck isn't political!

We're just developing an emotional connection

as we defend the nurse's union

and lock arms with the victims of Standing Rock. Oh, shit!

This is not the selfish brat I courted to advance my career!

I'm still a selfish brat.

Uh, I'll go steal a package off someone's porch right now!

As hot as that sounds, I'm over it.

Good luck getting Chuck and Nancy

to pour beer down your crack.

Why is everyone mad at someone who isn't Pompeo?

I'll start. Earlier today, I was minding my own business,

and someone said, "Good morning."

I'm fine, but I just keep thinking about what he meant.

"Good morning, you sad, pathetic weakling

who couldn't even get the teachers to eat lunch with him.

You speak really quickly and confidently,

but deep down you know you're 100% full of shit!"

Everyone thinks that because we elected

one conservative president, we finally gained equality,

and that damn executive order

just gave them even more cover to hold us down!

We should've listened to Susan Collins and done nothing.

Sure, we were only rich and powerful,

but at least we were happy.

Wrong! We need a public demonstration so big and bold

that it shifts the entire cultural paradigm.

- I'm talking a million... - Wow!

- ... man... - That's me!

- ... march! - I'm out!

So this cause isn't important enough for you to walk?!

I'm all for equal rights,

but not if it makes my hammies sore.

And to think I believed in you...

Would it make you feel better if you kicked me in the gonads?

Yeah.

I'd now like to introduce

Senate bill 2-9-4-3...

Hey! Thanks a lot, Chuck!

There's my boy! Nancy and I thought

dinner with Kimberly was a real home run.

More like a loose bat into the singing hot-dog guy's throat!

Kimberly broke up with me!

To be honest, Nancy and I thought that girl was bad news.

We found condoms in her purse.

Ugh! I'm sick of you always trying to control me!

I'm not gonna go to law school, get married,

and become some uptight senator!

Don, I've known you for maybe eight days.

Are we going to vote on the bill?

I can't wait to vote "present".

Don't ever ask Chuck and Nancy for help

because you'll let them into your heart and they'll break it!

I cede my time!

That's not how this works, Don.

- Fuck you! - Present!

What's your glitch, Shapiro?

In 2016, I wasn't sure a nihilistic game-show host

accused of numerous sex crimes

should be the leader of the conservative movement.

But then you were elected president, and I realized,

"Supporting him boosts my website's traffic."

But I was wrong. You don't care about conservatism.

You just care about you!

Obviously, I don't care about conservatism!

I just asked someone which party has the best racist jokes

and said, "I'm that!"

And guess what! I'm not telling you any of them!

Go to hell!

Ever since I told that waitress to stop bringing breadsticks,

I've been living in it!

What are you talking about?!

Live from the Charles Krauthammer Theater,

it's "Sunday Night Live"!

And here's your host, Mike Pompeo!

They asked Pompeo and not me?

I'm here to throw you in jail

for calling someone the wrong pronoun.

This is only gonna normalize Pompeo.

So if you were, like, my dad, what kind of stuff would we do?

Of course. Uh, we'd go to the movies!

Ooh, that sounds fun.

Yeah, there's this little underground theater

in a cement basement on 11th Avenue,

and the movies they show there,

there's so much blood and depravity,

I don't know how they snuck them out of Dresden.

Any other bonding activities?

Ever been on a police ride-along when they turn off the cameras?

Ha! You will walk away with so many secrets.

Yeah, I don't know if this is gonna work.

Look, if it changes your mind, I'll take you to a ball game.

I got this luxury box at Yankee Stadium

that's entirely bricked off... no one can see in or out.

Got an over-caffeinated 12-year-old bartender...

Yeah, I don't know if this is gonna work.

Thanks for watching "Sunday Night Live."

Thank you, Tomi Lahren, Dinesh D'Souza,

Jacob Wohl, Diamond, Silk...

... uh, Michael Flynn, uh, Michael Flynn Jr...

Yeah, that might be Stephen Miller.

Are all the nurses pretending they're on lunch break?

- Yep, that's him. - Good night.

Oh, my God. Stevie. What happened?

Were you attacked just for what you believe?

Sort of. I was sitting in a conservatives-only seat

at the movie theater, and someone told me

to move my big head a little.

It hurt my feelings so bad, I called 911.

I'm not sure how much longer I have

because the doctor refuses to examine me.

Stevie, Stevie.

You're gonna make it, God damn it!

If you can survive every roommate you've ever had

"accidentally" leaving the stove on,

you can survive this.

I've got to go now, Mr. Trump,

but next time conservatives are getting made fun of real bad,

tell them my story.

- B-e-e-e-e-e-e-ee... - What kind of god would

- B-e-e-e-e-e-e-ee... - let a man be made fun of?!

- E-e-e-ee... - It should be me lying there!

- B-e-e-e-e-e-e-ee... - It looks so comfortable!

- B-e-e-e-e-e-e-ee... - Why is this loser in my bed?!

- B-e-e-e-e-e-e-ee... - I want the bed!

Shit! Why did I only get $800 in quarters?

Whoa! Uh, huh?

Thanks, Kimberly. You...

I didn't see you at Fontainebleau.

Sorry about that.

Hey, do you think maybe I was working through some stuff

when I had Chuck and Nancy re-birth me

using couch cushions as the birth canal?

Don, when you let people in like Chuck and Nancy,

you allow them to change who you are.

Next thing you know, you're acting like a baby

instead of the tough strong man

who made two koalas play Russian Roulette.

- Yeah, I miss that guy. - Me too.

And that guy can let me in,

and I'll never try to change him,

even if his every decision is a transparent cry for help.

Cool. Now let's pour some beer in my crack.

No, Don, let's pour some beer in our cracks.

How's he doing?

It was a close call, but he's gonna be okay.

Well, I better go. I got my Sunday Night Live

audition in the morning, and I still haven't nailed

Michelle Obama's accent.

Ben. We can't let this happen again.

Next time, it could be someone

who has more than zero contacts in his phone.

But you were right. It's over. The liberals won.

MSNBC is like the Fox News of TV.

I thought I heard something about a march.

You think that's something the president would be into?

- Did you forget again? - I did.

♪ Why ♪

♪ We ♪

♪ Fight ♪

This is why we fight!

♪ Save ♪

♪ The right ♪

We have got to save the right!

Tomorrow, millions of conservatives

are coming here to march,

and I can't think of one thing to tell them

other than I forgot to get Port-a-Potties.

Just tell them that, some day, we will achieve true equality

and be able to wear a Confederate flag unitard

to SoulCycle.

♪ What do we stand for? ♪

♪ Why do we fight? ♪

♪ To protect the lives ♪

♪ Of rich men who are white ♪

♪ So Rush Limbaugh ♪

♪ Can sleep sound at night ♪

♪ And we are never held accountable ♪

♪ For a joke we made in front of a biracial co-worker ♪

♪ This is why we fight ♪

♪ For Proud Boys and alt-rights ♪

♪ For rich white men ♪

♪ And rich white men's wives ♪

I'm cool with this also.

Conservatives from all over the country

have gathered in Washington

to fight for the rights of Republicans

or, said another way,

the President has hosted a white-power rally.

The Grand Wizard is about to speak.

♪ Why ♪

♪ We fight ♪

♪ Save ♪

♪ The right ♪

My fellow conservatives, we have a dream,

a dream that began on a bridge in Selma

though not the side people typically think of...

a dream that, one day,

conservatives will be able to go online

without the fear of someone teasing them a little bit!

Wow. What a fuckin' snowflake.

Hey, you guys don't have a permit for any of this.

You gotta scram.

Oh, why? Because we're conservatives?

No. Just, everyone needs a permit.

You don't get special treatment.

Let us stay!

It's not fair!

We're allowed to be here!

Mommy said so!

You're a bad cop! Bad cop!

He is a bad cop!

Let us stay, or I'm gonna cry, and I'm gonna cry and cry!

I hate you!

Is that tears or piss?

Ah. It's just tears, thank God.

Alright, stay. Just wrap it up

before the ceramics fair sets up.

- Yay! - We did it!

- Hooray! - The right always wins!

How are your hammies, Mr. President?

Pretty sore, but I'll just take a month off work,

wherever that is.

You think this changed anything?

I'm about to find out.

I'm on my way, SoulCycle!

Where'd you learn to cry like that?

Let's just say a couple kooky cats taught me

how to be vulnerable.

Great news! Before I burnt down O'Shittery's Beer Dump,

I stole a bunch of kegs from the loading dock.

- Wanna go drink them? - Uh, yeah, we're okay.

Yeah, I think... W-We're alright, though.

You guys are huge dicks!

I'm gonna start my own movement against huge dicks!

♪ Why ♪

♪ We ♪

♪ Fight ♪

♪ Save ♪

♪ The ♪

♪ Right ♪

♪ I used to feel like I could walk the Earth ♪

♪ Like a human god ♪

♪ Now I still am a human god ♪

♪ But I feel like I'm not ♪

♪ Why ♪

♪ We ♪

♪ Fight ♪

♪ Leave Meghan McCain alone ♪

♪ Save ♪

♪ The right ♪

♪ Yeah, we gotta save the right ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

- Synced and corrected by Firefly - - www.addic7ed.com -