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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:05,000 - Synced and corrected by Firefly - - www.addic7ed.com - 2 00:00:09,571 --> 00:00:11,504 - ♪ Save ♪ - _ 3 00:00:11,529 --> 00:00:13,596 - ♪ The ♪ - _ 4 00:00:13,621 --> 00:00:16,221 - ♪ Right ♪ - _ 5 00:00:16,544 --> 00:00:18,778 It was the summer of 2019. 6 00:00:19,057 --> 00:00:21,157 We conservatives had been forced 7 00:00:21,182 --> 00:00:23,149 - to the margins of society. - _ 8 00:00:23,174 --> 00:00:26,240 Why is Facebook censoring conservative bloggers 9 00:00:26,265 --> 00:00:27,832 - such as Diamond and Silk? - _ 10 00:00:27,857 --> 00:00:30,832 We barely controlled three branches of government 11 00:00:30,857 --> 00:00:32,501 - and could only show our faces - _ 12 00:00:32,526 --> 00:00:35,126 - at exclusive luxury beach resorts. - _ 13 00:00:35,152 --> 00:00:37,014 Many by now have heard that I was asked 14 00:00:37,047 --> 00:00:38,407 to leave a restaurant this weekend 15 00:00:38,432 --> 00:00:40,399 where I attempted to have dinner with my family. 16 00:00:40,715 --> 00:00:44,449 But one day, a humble, powerless president 17 00:00:44,474 --> 00:00:47,641 stood up and said, "No more". 18 00:00:49,666 --> 00:00:52,832 Aah! Climate change is a hoax! 19 00:00:56,883 --> 00:01:00,484 This new legislation will assure election integrity 20 00:01:00,509 --> 00:01:03,781 by mandating that all of Atlanta share one ballot 21 00:01:03,806 --> 00:01:06,106 and you can only vote if you just left Clint Eastwood's 22 00:01:06,131 --> 00:01:08,331 latest "white resentment" blockbuster. 23 00:01:08,356 --> 00:01:11,272 And before you accuse me of limiting minority access 24 00:01:11,297 --> 00:01:13,417 to the polls, listen to this cabinet member 25 00:01:13,442 --> 00:01:15,675 I selected for no particular reason. 26 00:01:15,700 --> 00:01:16,700 I'm cool with it. 27 00:01:16,725 --> 00:01:19,871 Oh-kay, Ben, as long as you're cool with it. 28 00:01:19,896 --> 00:01:23,696 And to my supporters, harass anyone who opposes this bill! 29 00:01:23,721 --> 00:01:26,522 Not that anyone will, because Ben said it's fine. 30 00:01:26,847 --> 00:01:29,087 I'm Rachel Maddow, and it's not a manic episode 31 00:01:29,112 --> 00:01:30,814 if it's been going on for three years. 32 00:01:30,839 --> 00:01:33,048 Tonight, we're talking about the President's 33 00:01:33,073 --> 00:01:35,880 new voting-rights bill with Senator Elizabeth Warren. 34 00:01:35,905 --> 00:01:38,080 This law will disproportionately 35 00:01:38,105 --> 00:01:40,463 affect Democrats and minorities like me... 36 00:01:40,488 --> 00:01:41,833 a-and when I said "me" 37 00:01:41,858 --> 00:01:44,226 I was referring to the Democrat part... 38 00:01:44,251 --> 00:01:45,316 Oh, shit! 39 00:01:45,341 --> 00:01:46,790 Dad, why are all these people 40 00:01:46,815 --> 00:01:49,343 treating you like a loser inner-city kindergarten teacher? 41 00:01:49,368 --> 00:01:51,447 Boys, you're old enough to know 42 00:01:51,472 --> 00:01:54,948 about the deep generational wound America has yet to heal... 43 00:01:54,973 --> 00:01:57,248 bigotry against conservatives. 44 00:01:57,273 --> 00:02:01,108 I first experienced it in 2011. 45 00:02:01,322 --> 00:02:03,824 I was just trying to keep my head down 46 00:02:03,848 --> 00:02:05,447 and not ruffle feathers. 47 00:02:05,472 --> 00:02:07,347 - Barack Obama was born in Kenya, - _ 48 00:02:07,372 --> 00:02:09,438 Mohamed Atta was his college roommate, 49 00:02:09,463 --> 00:02:12,551 and I once talked Michelle out of strangling a bald eagle. 50 00:02:12,576 --> 00:02:15,325 But Obama just couldn't let me live my life. 51 00:02:15,350 --> 00:02:18,170 Uh, as you can see in my long-form birth certificate, 52 00:02:18,195 --> 00:02:19,510 I was born in America, 53 00:02:19,535 --> 00:02:21,103 contrary to Mr. Trump's assertion. 54 00:02:21,128 --> 00:02:22,595 He was merciless. 55 00:02:23,166 --> 00:02:24,611 He made me feel like I was not 56 00:02:24,635 --> 00:02:26,491 a rightful citizen of this country! 57 00:02:26,516 --> 00:02:29,476 But conservatives contribute so much to society. 58 00:02:29,501 --> 00:02:33,216 Arts, sciences, education... we gutted all that boring shit! 59 00:02:33,241 --> 00:02:35,775 I just wish I showed courage and fought back. 60 00:02:35,922 --> 00:02:38,849 I've regretted it even more than telling that waitress, 61 00:02:38,874 --> 00:02:40,602 "We're all set on breadsticks." 62 00:02:40,627 --> 00:02:43,996 I'm worried. Should I finally move to Wichita 63 00:02:44,021 --> 00:02:46,467 and just open that Halloween costume store? 64 00:02:46,492 --> 00:02:48,233 Yes, yes, absolutely yes. 65 00:02:48,258 --> 00:02:50,358 Your bags are in an idling car outside. 66 00:02:50,383 --> 00:02:51,687 As for the rest of us, 67 00:02:51,712 --> 00:02:54,513 let's pray that tomorrow's a better day. 68 00:02:54,998 --> 00:02:57,132 ♪ Why ♪ 69 00:02:57,157 --> 00:02:58,723 ♪ We ♪ 70 00:02:59,102 --> 00:03:01,135 ♪ Fight ♪ 71 00:03:02,538 --> 00:03:05,605 Good morning, everyone, from New York. 72 00:03:05,752 --> 00:03:08,685 We're learning the news along with you. 73 00:03:08,710 --> 00:03:11,141 - Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram - _ 74 00:03:11,166 --> 00:03:14,091 have handed down a week-long suspension 75 00:03:14,116 --> 00:03:15,615 to a dozen conservatives. 76 00:03:15,640 --> 00:03:17,044 - Aah! - And for what? 77 00:03:17,069 --> 00:03:20,071 Simply sending credible death threats to Trump critics. 78 00:03:20,096 --> 00:03:23,071 This is a worse violation of rights than Jim Crow, 79 00:03:23,096 --> 00:03:25,805 which I'm absolutely sure I would have marched against. 80 00:03:25,830 --> 00:03:27,665 One of the suspended accounts 81 00:03:27,690 --> 00:03:29,900 belonged to noted conservative and pundit 82 00:03:29,925 --> 00:03:33,267 who says he's not racist but sure says "Detroit" a lot, 83 00:03:33,292 --> 00:03:35,111 Ben Shapiro, seen here. 84 00:03:35,136 --> 00:03:36,628 - Reparations make no sense - _ 85 00:03:36,653 --> 00:03:39,096 since Obama marked the end of racism, full-stop. 86 00:03:39,121 --> 00:03:41,285 Poor people are not entitled to rich people's money, 87 00:03:41,309 --> 00:03:42,750 which they inherited fair and square. 88 00:03:42,774 --> 00:03:45,909 Now, that's a weird, sexless leader I want on my team. 89 00:03:45,934 --> 00:03:48,668 Also suspended... Donald Trump Jr. 90 00:03:48,693 --> 00:03:51,360 What cruel god would allow this? 91 00:03:51,385 --> 00:03:53,146 I'm just a little kid! 92 00:03:53,171 --> 00:03:55,444 It's only a matter of time before they find out 93 00:03:55,469 --> 00:03:56,632 that I also tweet. 94 00:03:58,759 --> 00:04:00,579 The left is ferocious! 95 00:04:00,604 --> 00:04:04,083 They won't stop until we show an inkling of self-reflection. 96 00:04:04,108 --> 00:04:05,109 Tell 'em, Ben. 97 00:04:05,134 --> 00:04:06,909 We must lead conservatives out of the shadows. 98 00:04:06,933 --> 00:04:08,669 We can't even go on a bus anymore 99 00:04:08,694 --> 00:04:10,984 without staring at a Muslim guy and missing our stop! 100 00:04:11,009 --> 00:04:13,725 We must protect our right to chant "MAGA" 101 00:04:13,750 --> 00:04:16,056 on a cross-country flight without harassment. 102 00:04:16,081 --> 00:04:19,540 Everywhere I go, people spit in my face 103 00:04:19,565 --> 00:04:22,142 and handcuff my right wrist to my left ankle, 104 00:04:22,167 --> 00:04:25,478 and I'm pretty sure it's because I'm a conservative! 105 00:04:25,503 --> 00:04:28,130 I agree with Ben Shapiro, Stephen Miller, and Ted Cruz. 106 00:04:28,155 --> 00:04:29,505 Hold your horses. 107 00:04:29,530 --> 00:04:32,462 Susan Collins is all for taking a stand, 108 00:04:32,487 --> 00:04:35,922 but not if it means facing any consequences. 109 00:04:35,947 --> 00:04:37,806 Gotta say, I agree with Collins. 110 00:04:37,831 --> 00:04:40,609 - You can't agree with both sides, Pompeo. - I agree. 111 00:04:40,634 --> 00:04:42,834 But where will the persecution end? 112 00:04:42,859 --> 00:04:44,458 Today, it's our Twitter accounts. 113 00:04:44,483 --> 00:04:46,992 Tomorrow, it's our Yahoo! accounts we only use 114 00:04:47,017 --> 00:04:48,711 for politically incorrect chain letters. 115 00:04:48,736 --> 00:04:50,474 Will we ever laugh again?! 116 00:04:50,499 --> 00:04:51,987 If you ever need a chuckle, 117 00:04:52,012 --> 00:04:54,278 you can always kick Pompeo in the gonads. 118 00:04:54,303 --> 00:04:55,369 That goes for all of you. 119 00:04:55,394 --> 00:04:56,915 Sorry to interject, 120 00:04:56,940 --> 00:04:59,458 but aren't we the most powerful people on the planet? 121 00:04:59,483 --> 00:05:01,262 My name's on the money. 122 00:05:01,287 --> 00:05:04,632 If we're so powerful, how come we're so whiny?! 123 00:05:04,657 --> 00:05:07,669 Mr. President, I support everything you do, 124 00:05:07,694 --> 00:05:09,494 including when you installed a pinball machine 125 00:05:09,519 --> 00:05:10,858 on John McCain's grave, 126 00:05:10,883 --> 00:05:13,652 but how do we overthrow an oppressive system 127 00:05:13,677 --> 00:05:16,344 when our house is divided?! 128 00:05:20,296 --> 00:05:21,728 Shut up! 129 00:05:21,900 --> 00:05:23,688 If there's one thing we can agree on, 130 00:05:23,713 --> 00:05:25,662 it's we must kick Pompeo's gonads. 131 00:05:25,687 --> 00:05:26,687 - Yeah! - Yes! 132 00:05:26,712 --> 00:05:28,312 Great! Now line up. 133 00:05:30,106 --> 00:05:32,870 Just ask Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi 134 00:05:32,895 --> 00:05:34,543 to get my account reinstated! 135 00:05:34,568 --> 00:05:38,236 They're basically tech lobbyists who do politics as a fun hobby. 136 00:05:38,261 --> 00:05:40,708 They won't listen to a conservative like me. 137 00:05:40,733 --> 00:05:42,216 They don't think of me as a person, 138 00:05:42,241 --> 00:05:44,205 especially after I wore ripped shorts 139 00:05:44,230 --> 00:05:45,989 and walked on all fours to mess with them. 140 00:05:46,014 --> 00:05:49,624 Dad, I consider myself an alpha male with rhinoceros skin, 141 00:05:49,649 --> 00:05:52,179 but right now this lil' dinosaur needs some help. 142 00:05:52,204 --> 00:05:53,670 I've never helped anyone, 143 00:05:53,695 --> 00:05:56,483 and I'm not about to lose my H-Card with you. 144 00:05:58,700 --> 00:06:00,020 Why are you so upset? 145 00:06:00,045 --> 00:06:03,243 Is it because you can't harass Parkland kids while we bone? 146 00:06:03,268 --> 00:06:05,825 When you're in your forties and still growing up, 147 00:06:05,850 --> 00:06:07,995 your dad is supposed to be there for you. 148 00:06:08,020 --> 00:06:09,496 Ah, you're getting so emotional! 149 00:06:09,521 --> 00:06:11,365 Are you about to ask me to marry you in an opulent, 150 00:06:11,389 --> 00:06:12,701 Cleopatra-themed wedding this weekend 151 00:06:12,725 --> 00:06:14,001 at the Fontainebleau Miami? 152 00:06:14,026 --> 00:06:15,458 Because I booked it, just in case. 153 00:06:15,483 --> 00:06:17,104 I am not emotional! 154 00:06:17,129 --> 00:06:19,129 I'm just gonna be a big strong man 155 00:06:19,154 --> 00:06:22,175 and ask Chuck and Nancy to fix this problem for me! 156 00:06:22,200 --> 00:06:24,043 My crack is sober... you know what to do. 157 00:06:24,068 --> 00:06:26,200 One beer down the crack, coming up. 158 00:06:26,795 --> 00:06:28,995 The oppression of conservatives 159 00:06:29,020 --> 00:06:30,717 is becoming too much to bear. 160 00:06:30,742 --> 00:06:32,509 Uh, no Doy! 161 00:06:32,534 --> 00:06:34,332 After my confirmation hearing, 162 00:06:34,357 --> 00:06:37,018 I couldn't show my face at O'Shittery's Beer Dump 163 00:06:37,043 --> 00:06:39,010 for three whole Thirsty Thursdays! 164 00:06:39,035 --> 00:06:41,660 If only there was a way to throw a big enough tantrum 165 00:06:41,685 --> 00:06:44,897 that this nation gives us what we want just to shut us up. 166 00:06:44,922 --> 00:06:47,023 Oh, but there is... 167 00:06:47,425 --> 00:06:50,103 What's this a photo of... a bag of congealed oatmeal? 168 00:06:50,128 --> 00:06:51,861 It's me havin' a good cry! 169 00:06:51,886 --> 00:06:55,107 Do the same until the tears make such a huge puddle, 170 00:06:55,132 --> 00:06:57,709 it won't be clear if it's tears or pee. 171 00:06:57,734 --> 00:06:59,236 Everyone will be afraid to ask, 172 00:06:59,261 --> 00:07:01,791 so they'll just take whiffs to see if they can smell pee. 173 00:07:01,816 --> 00:07:05,151 Once they're sure it's not pee, they'll be so grateful, 174 00:07:05,176 --> 00:07:07,633 you'll get exactly what you want from them. 175 00:07:07,658 --> 00:07:09,820 You're overselling it. I'll do it! 176 00:07:09,845 --> 00:07:13,259 This country will finally become a safe space 177 00:07:13,284 --> 00:07:16,385 for everyone who whines about safe spaces. 178 00:07:24,805 --> 00:07:28,340 The doctors say his gonads have a long road ahead for them, 179 00:07:28,365 --> 00:07:30,676 so let's hear some love for Pompeo. 180 00:07:30,701 --> 00:07:32,310 Keep it up, slugger! 181 00:07:32,335 --> 00:07:34,364 Doctor said he's never seen anything like it. 182 00:07:34,389 --> 00:07:36,963 And a heads up that Ben Shapiro and I 183 00:07:36,988 --> 00:07:39,568 are leading a movement for equal rights for conservatives. 184 00:07:39,593 --> 00:07:41,653 - Whoa! - You're moving too fast! 185 00:07:41,678 --> 00:07:43,488 Society's not ready for this! 186 00:07:43,513 --> 00:07:45,725 For too long, conservatives have been in the shadows, 187 00:07:45,750 --> 00:07:49,094 and it's time to show America that we won't stand for it. 188 00:07:49,119 --> 00:07:51,891 Uh, we have all the money and all the power. 189 00:07:51,916 --> 00:07:55,100 The only movement I'm for is to save Pompeo's baby maker. 190 00:07:55,125 --> 00:07:56,925 The doctor said that's not in the cards. 191 00:07:57,574 --> 00:07:59,006 The stories of oppression 192 00:07:59,031 --> 00:08:00,604 you're about to hear are harrowing. 193 00:08:00,629 --> 00:08:01,909 I hope you didn't eat breakfast. 194 00:08:01,934 --> 00:08:04,042 To be honest, once breakfast is put in front of me, 195 00:08:04,066 --> 00:08:06,143 I kind of black out, and next thing you know, 196 00:08:06,168 --> 00:08:08,068 I have to change my shirt. 197 00:08:08,454 --> 00:08:09,720 I was supposed to speak 198 00:08:09,745 --> 00:08:11,666 at University of California, Berkeley, 199 00:08:11,691 --> 00:08:13,985 about why white people deserve reparations 200 00:08:14,010 --> 00:08:17,354 for all the times we had to feel guilty about being white, 201 00:08:17,379 --> 00:08:18,989 and I was run off campus! 202 00:08:20,543 --> 00:08:23,015 YouTube refused to host my videos 203 00:08:23,040 --> 00:08:25,632 just because I said all school shooting victims 204 00:08:25,657 --> 00:08:28,165 were portrayed by Oscar-winning actress Brie Larson 205 00:08:28,190 --> 00:08:30,190 in the performance of a lifetime! 206 00:08:30,425 --> 00:08:31,691 I just wanna hug him. 207 00:08:32,027 --> 00:08:34,407 So, I'm sprintin' down a dark freeway 208 00:08:34,432 --> 00:08:36,198 wearing only what God gave me, 209 00:08:36,223 --> 00:08:39,917 and a legion of bikers is bearin' down on me so close 210 00:08:39,942 --> 00:08:42,909 that their side mirrors are knockin' my funny bones. 211 00:08:42,934 --> 00:08:45,728 One of the angrier fellas who had a toddler 212 00:08:45,753 --> 00:08:48,709 smokin' a cigarette balanced on his handlebars 213 00:08:48,734 --> 00:08:51,688 must've put out a call because, next thing I know, 214 00:08:51,713 --> 00:08:55,289 green glass bottles are rainin' down from the overpass 215 00:08:55,314 --> 00:08:57,327 on every side, and I'm thinking, 216 00:08:57,352 --> 00:09:00,029 "Does this road ever go downhill?!" 217 00:09:00,054 --> 00:09:03,099 Wow! All for being a conservative. 218 00:09:03,124 --> 00:09:05,230 Maybe, but more likely I'd say 219 00:09:05,255 --> 00:09:08,622 any one of the nine things I did that night. 220 00:09:08,647 --> 00:09:10,580 There's a line around the White House 221 00:09:10,605 --> 00:09:12,490 of conservatives ready to complain. 222 00:09:12,515 --> 00:09:14,649 How did it get this bad? 223 00:09:14,856 --> 00:09:16,202 Somewhere along the way, 224 00:09:16,226 --> 00:09:18,674 it became okay to discriminate based on the color 225 00:09:18,699 --> 00:09:20,866 you paint your face at fraternity parties. 226 00:09:23,157 --> 00:09:25,254 Well, would you look at this! 227 00:09:25,279 --> 00:09:27,846 Donald Trump Jr. in my office. 228 00:09:27,871 --> 00:09:30,926 This must be some kind of trick, so I got the twins ready... 229 00:09:30,951 --> 00:09:32,512 Julian and Joaquin. 230 00:09:32,537 --> 00:09:34,330 I'm not here to wrestle for dominance. 231 00:09:34,355 --> 00:09:36,299 I'm here to ask for help getting my Twitter back 232 00:09:36,324 --> 00:09:38,539 before some kid thinks he can protest climate change 233 00:09:38,564 --> 00:09:41,565 without his sexual orientation being questioned. 234 00:09:41,862 --> 00:09:42,862 Sure. Why not? 235 00:09:42,996 --> 00:09:44,520 Wait. You're just gonna help me? 236 00:09:44,545 --> 00:09:46,275 Whenever my dad does me a favor, 237 00:09:46,300 --> 00:09:48,844 he increases the licensing fee on my own last name. 238 00:09:48,869 --> 00:09:50,478 Sometimes you tweet a picture 239 00:09:50,503 --> 00:09:52,527 of Ocasio-Cortez with devil horns... 240 00:09:52,552 --> 00:09:55,083 And we just laugh and laugh... 241 00:09:55,108 --> 00:09:56,915 Well, great seeing you. 242 00:09:56,940 --> 00:10:00,374 Tell your father we have a budget resolution to cave on. 243 00:10:00,573 --> 00:10:02,871 Don, why aren't you leaving? 244 00:10:02,896 --> 00:10:05,979 Sorry. It's just, you guys not treating me like ass... 245 00:10:06,004 --> 00:10:08,363 I'm not used to that kind of parental warmth. 246 00:10:08,388 --> 00:10:10,765 Hey, you guys wanna get ice cream?! Yeah! 247 00:10:10,790 --> 00:10:12,790 Nancy, Chuck, come on! 248 00:10:14,294 --> 00:10:16,103 One of the most effective tactics 249 00:10:16,128 --> 00:10:18,539 in any civil-rights movement is the non-violent protest 250 00:10:18,564 --> 00:10:20,374 that shocks the nation out of complacency. 251 00:10:20,399 --> 00:10:22,009 That's where you come in, Stevie. 252 00:10:22,034 --> 00:10:23,811 We need you to step onto a liberal campus 253 00:10:23,836 --> 00:10:24,836 and get your ass kicked. 254 00:10:24,861 --> 00:10:26,538 And for your efforts, we offer you... 255 00:10:26,563 --> 00:10:28,515 Nothing necessary. I live for this. 256 00:10:28,540 --> 00:10:29,818 Good, because that was the offer. 257 00:10:29,842 --> 00:10:31,152 But what if my natural charm 258 00:10:31,177 --> 00:10:33,487 makes Antifa refuse to attack me? 259 00:10:33,512 --> 00:10:35,029 Then just make up a story. 260 00:10:35,061 --> 00:10:37,325 Keep it simple so no one pokes holes in it. 261 00:10:37,350 --> 00:10:39,616 - So then the seven-foot art-history major - _ 262 00:10:39,641 --> 00:10:41,680 raised his battle Axe and roared, 263 00:10:41,705 --> 00:10:44,922 "Name thyself, conservative who hath dared pass hither!" 264 00:10:44,947 --> 00:10:48,952 I replied, "Lo, I am an innocent carpenter's apprentice 265 00:10:48,977 --> 00:10:52,006 here to spread the good news of common-sense baby caging." 266 00:10:52,031 --> 00:10:53,668 A carpenter's apprentice? 267 00:10:53,693 --> 00:10:56,479 As the vape-smoking beast chained me to the rack, 268 00:10:56,504 --> 00:10:58,758 his fellow Antifa begged for my guts 269 00:10:58,783 --> 00:11:00,347 while big-bosomed maidens 270 00:11:00,372 --> 00:11:03,008 cried out for mercy on the handsome stranger. 271 00:11:03,033 --> 00:11:04,597 Damn it. I'm starting to get invested. 272 00:11:04,622 --> 00:11:06,048 How did you get out? Did you use 273 00:11:06,073 --> 00:11:07,688 the sorcerer's gem stone you found in the brook? 274 00:11:07,712 --> 00:11:09,528 A tale for another day! 275 00:11:09,553 --> 00:11:10,585 - Aww. - The point is... 276 00:11:10,610 --> 00:11:11,610 If people bought it, 277 00:11:11,635 --> 00:11:13,860 there should be rioting in the streets. 278 00:11:13,885 --> 00:11:15,751 Nope. 279 00:11:15,776 --> 00:11:18,276 Whoa! 280 00:11:18,931 --> 00:11:20,498 This thing is great! 281 00:11:20,523 --> 00:11:22,120 My dad never let me ride one 282 00:11:22,145 --> 00:11:24,245 because he could tell I enjoyed it too much. 283 00:11:24,270 --> 00:11:27,273 Whoa! What happened?! 284 00:11:27,298 --> 00:11:28,738 It's just out of time, buddy. 285 00:11:28,763 --> 00:11:31,714 You can do one more ride, but then Nancy and I 286 00:11:31,739 --> 00:11:34,013 have to go back and run the United States Congress. 287 00:11:34,038 --> 00:11:35,570 One and then one more? 288 00:11:35,806 --> 00:11:37,733 - Fine. - Yeeeaahhh! 289 00:11:37,758 --> 00:11:40,409 And watch me this time and give me encouragement! 290 00:11:40,434 --> 00:11:41,888 - Are you watching? - We're watching. 291 00:11:41,912 --> 00:11:43,490 - Look here! - Oh, yeah! 292 00:11:43,515 --> 00:11:44,790 I think... I got air! 293 00:11:44,815 --> 00:11:46,096 - Sure. You got air. - Oh, wow! 294 00:11:49,028 --> 00:11:50,695 Oh, my God. He's sleeping. 295 00:11:50,720 --> 00:11:52,597 Wake up, Don. We're here. 296 00:11:52,622 --> 00:11:55,093 Whoa! Thanks for taking me to Toy Story 4, 297 00:11:55,118 --> 00:11:57,898 and the gummy worms, and picture next to the movie poster. 298 00:11:57,923 --> 00:12:00,472 Don't thank us. You wouldn't stop crying 299 00:12:00,497 --> 00:12:03,755 and rolling on the ground unless we did what you asked. 300 00:12:03,780 --> 00:12:06,114 Well, see you again soon, champ. 301 00:12:07,904 --> 00:12:11,197 - Don. Everything alright? - Yeah. 302 00:12:11,222 --> 00:12:13,085 Why aren't you getting out and going to your home? 303 00:12:13,109 --> 00:12:15,130 - I love you guys. - Oh, God. 304 00:12:15,155 --> 00:12:16,922 He's imprinted on us like a duck. 305 00:12:16,947 --> 00:12:18,984 We have to keep him, don't we? 306 00:12:19,009 --> 00:12:21,410 I heard that! Quack-quack! 307 00:12:21,952 --> 00:12:25,071 Nothing's working. We need to take a big swing. 308 00:12:25,096 --> 00:12:27,576 How about an executive order declaring conservatives 309 00:12:27,601 --> 00:12:29,133 - are a protected class? - Pffff. 310 00:12:29,158 --> 00:12:30,901 The president will never go for it. 311 00:12:30,926 --> 00:12:32,937 - What? - He's got too much on his plate... 312 00:12:32,962 --> 00:12:34,402 immigrants flooding over the border, 313 00:12:34,427 --> 00:12:37,936 economic bubble about to pop... he doesn't care about us. 314 00:12:37,961 --> 00:12:40,744 - Sir, you must know... - So let me get this straight... 315 00:12:40,769 --> 00:12:43,614 you're just gonna waltz into the White House, 316 00:12:43,639 --> 00:12:45,450 ask to see the President, 317 00:12:45,475 --> 00:12:47,685 and then after you're ushered into his office, 318 00:12:47,710 --> 00:12:50,688 he'll say, "Sure, Ben, whatever you want!" 319 00:12:50,713 --> 00:12:51,923 - You're a fucking idiot! - Are you... 320 00:12:51,947 --> 00:12:54,825 It's over! It'll never work! 321 00:12:54,850 --> 00:12:57,661 So quit living in your fantasy world! 322 00:12:58,896 --> 00:13:00,931 Sir, did you actually forget you were president? 323 00:13:00,956 --> 00:13:02,410 I remembered in the middle, 324 00:13:02,435 --> 00:13:04,202 but it was too late to turn back. 325 00:13:08,552 --> 00:13:12,442 This executive order designates conservatives 326 00:13:12,467 --> 00:13:14,841 as a federally protected class, 327 00:13:14,866 --> 00:13:17,314 affording them such equality measures 328 00:13:17,339 --> 00:13:19,069 as special parking spots 329 00:13:19,094 --> 00:13:22,749 and equal time for a right-wing sketch comedy show. 330 00:13:22,774 --> 00:13:25,963 Hello, there's nothing we can't have! 331 00:13:25,988 --> 00:13:27,028 Shut up, nerd! 332 00:13:27,053 --> 00:13:29,763 Boys, let's head to O'Shittery's! 333 00:13:29,788 --> 00:13:32,696 If anybody looks at us weird, we burn the place down! 334 00:13:32,721 --> 00:13:34,464 This isn't even your branch of government. 335 00:13:34,489 --> 00:13:36,856 You're in the wrong branch! 336 00:13:36,881 --> 00:13:38,702 Okay, you win, psycho. 337 00:13:38,972 --> 00:13:42,139 Welcome, all, to the San Francisco Pride Parade. 338 00:13:42,164 --> 00:13:43,573 This is so much more fun 339 00:13:43,598 --> 00:13:46,000 than the "Dads For Family Court Reform" Parade. 340 00:13:46,025 --> 00:13:47,477 And guess what. 341 00:13:47,502 --> 00:13:50,680 I just heard back from our friends at Twitter headquarters. 342 00:13:50,705 --> 00:13:54,038 We got them to lift your week-long suspension! 343 00:13:54,063 --> 00:13:57,720 And it only took seven days. Celebratory selfie! 344 00:13:57,745 --> 00:14:00,023 Say, "I love you and will always be there for you 345 00:14:00,048 --> 00:14:02,892 in a way that no one ever haaaassss!" 346 00:14:02,917 --> 00:14:04,548 Well, you're back on Twitter, 347 00:14:04,573 --> 00:14:06,705 so I guess you don't need us anymore. 348 00:14:06,791 --> 00:14:09,091 Wait, wait! Oh! You haven't met Kimberly yet! 349 00:14:09,116 --> 00:14:12,189 You're gonna love her. She has this hilarious story 350 00:14:12,214 --> 00:14:14,982 about making fun of a cameraman's gross birthmark 351 00:14:15,007 --> 00:14:17,073 and then it turned out to be cancer. 352 00:14:17,098 --> 00:14:18,597 She can tell it better. 353 00:14:19,183 --> 00:14:20,544 Tune in to NBC 354 00:14:20,568 --> 00:14:22,178 on Sunday night for the premiere of 355 00:14:22,203 --> 00:14:24,913 "Koch Industries Presents: Sunday Night Live" 356 00:14:24,938 --> 00:14:28,117 with host Charlie Kirk and musical guest Rand Paul, 357 00:14:28,142 --> 00:14:30,462 featuring a digital short on Planned Parenthood. 358 00:14:31,756 --> 00:14:33,697 I'm gonna be groggy Monday morning. 359 00:14:39,453 --> 00:14:40,518 Hey. Good morning. 360 00:14:45,318 --> 00:14:47,667 First you go to the gay pride parade with Chuck and Nancy 361 00:14:47,692 --> 00:14:49,381 and now we're having dinner with them? 362 00:14:49,406 --> 00:14:52,773 They're a little kooky, but great if you get to know them. 363 00:14:52,798 --> 00:14:54,398 You got a flyaway hair right over your... 364 00:14:54,434 --> 00:14:56,775 Is this her? Hello, Kimberly. 365 00:14:56,800 --> 00:14:58,985 You're even cuter than Don said you were! 366 00:14:59,010 --> 00:15:01,671 Nancy, take the lamb out of the oven! They're here! 367 00:15:01,696 --> 00:15:02,860 Ahh. What?! 368 00:15:02,885 --> 00:15:05,118 They're here! Lamb! Now! 369 00:15:05,143 --> 00:15:07,489 So, then Steny Hoyer says to Dick Durbin, 370 00:15:07,514 --> 00:15:09,624 "Why are you wearing flip-flops?" 371 00:15:09,649 --> 00:15:12,293 Ahh... 372 00:15:12,318 --> 00:15:15,462 So, Don tells us you're a conservative firebrand. 373 00:15:15,487 --> 00:15:16,487 Is that fun? 374 00:15:16,512 --> 00:15:19,266 It's the best. I trigger so many liberals. 375 00:15:19,291 --> 00:15:22,836 Oh, but long-term, she wants to be an archaeologist. 376 00:15:22,861 --> 00:15:24,471 What? I don't even know what that is. 377 00:15:24,496 --> 00:15:25,881 I don't either. Just go with it. 378 00:15:25,906 --> 00:15:28,997 It's fine. Let's just talk about something else. 379 00:15:32,920 --> 00:15:34,065 Need some wine. 380 00:15:34,089 --> 00:15:35,650 Need some lamb in my... 381 00:15:35,674 --> 00:15:38,585 Ohh! Uh, did you see Don at the gay pride parade? 382 00:15:38,610 --> 00:15:42,297 I did! Wow! I haven't seen him that happy 383 00:15:42,322 --> 00:15:44,824 since he blew that silverback's head off at two yards. 384 00:15:44,849 --> 00:15:46,593 And did he tell you that, next weekend, 385 00:15:46,618 --> 00:15:48,362 we're gonna go see glaciers melting? 386 00:15:48,387 --> 00:15:49,863 Oh, the same weekend 387 00:15:49,888 --> 00:15:52,747 as my best friend Katelyn's gender-reveal party 388 00:15:52,772 --> 00:15:54,800 where they're gonna stuff a grenade in the cake? 389 00:15:54,825 --> 00:15:57,159 We can just skip it and go to the birth. 390 00:15:58,535 --> 00:16:00,963 I thought you were just getting your Twitter account reinstated, 391 00:16:00,987 --> 00:16:02,808 not becoming Al Gore! 392 00:16:02,833 --> 00:16:04,677 My relationship with Mom and D... 393 00:16:04,702 --> 00:16:06,679 Nancy and Chuck isn't political! 394 00:16:06,704 --> 00:16:08,947 We're just developing an emotional connection 395 00:16:08,972 --> 00:16:10,449 as we defend the nurse's union 396 00:16:10,474 --> 00:16:13,708 and lock arms with the victims of Standing Rock. Oh, shit! 397 00:16:13,733 --> 00:16:17,542 This is not the selfish brat I courted to advance my career! 398 00:16:17,567 --> 00:16:18,863 I'm still a selfish brat. 399 00:16:18,888 --> 00:16:21,394 Uh, I'll go steal a package off someone's porch right now! 400 00:16:21,419 --> 00:16:23,781 As hot as that sounds, I'm over it. 401 00:16:23,806 --> 00:16:25,270 Good luck getting Chuck and Nancy 402 00:16:25,295 --> 00:16:27,629 to pour beer down your crack. 403 00:16:34,730 --> 00:16:37,830 Why is everyone mad at someone who isn't Pompeo? 404 00:16:37,855 --> 00:16:40,213 I'll start. Earlier today, I was minding my own business, 405 00:16:40,237 --> 00:16:42,107 and someone said, "Good morning." 406 00:16:43,289 --> 00:16:46,685 I'm fine, but I just keep thinking about what he meant. 407 00:16:46,710 --> 00:16:49,348 "Good morning, you sad, pathetic weakling 408 00:16:49,373 --> 00:16:51,591 who couldn't even get the teachers to eat lunch with him. 409 00:16:51,615 --> 00:16:53,758 You speak really quickly and confidently, 410 00:16:53,783 --> 00:16:57,769 but deep down you know you're 100% full of shit!" 411 00:16:57,794 --> 00:16:59,264 Everyone thinks that because we elected 412 00:16:59,288 --> 00:17:02,233 one conservative president, we finally gained equality, 413 00:17:02,258 --> 00:17:03,675 and that damn executive order 414 00:17:03,700 --> 00:17:05,837 just gave them even more cover to hold us down! 415 00:17:05,862 --> 00:17:09,040 We should've listened to Susan Collins and done nothing. 416 00:17:09,065 --> 00:17:11,442 Sure, we were only rich and powerful, 417 00:17:11,467 --> 00:17:13,164 but at least we were happy. 418 00:17:13,189 --> 00:17:16,791 Wrong! We need a public demonstration so big and bold 419 00:17:16,816 --> 00:17:18,950 that it shifts the entire cultural paradigm. 420 00:17:18,975 --> 00:17:21,085 - I'm talking a million... - Wow! 421 00:17:21,110 --> 00:17:22,700 - ... man... - That's me! 422 00:17:22,725 --> 00:17:24,455 - ... march! - I'm out! 423 00:17:24,480 --> 00:17:27,591 So this cause isn't important enough for you to walk?! 424 00:17:27,616 --> 00:17:29,227 I'm all for equal rights, 425 00:17:29,252 --> 00:17:31,262 but not if it makes my hammies sore. 426 00:17:31,287 --> 00:17:34,262 And to think I believed in you... 427 00:17:35,132 --> 00:17:38,044 Would it make you feel better if you kicked me in the gonads? 428 00:17:38,069 --> 00:17:39,069 Yeah. 429 00:17:40,281 --> 00:17:42,109 I'd now like to introduce 430 00:17:42,134 --> 00:17:44,979 Senate bill 2-9-4-3... 431 00:17:45,004 --> 00:17:46,777 Hey! Thanks a lot, Chuck! 432 00:17:46,802 --> 00:17:48,588 There's my boy! Nancy and I thought 433 00:17:48,613 --> 00:17:50,713 dinner with Kimberly was a real home run. 434 00:17:50,738 --> 00:17:54,717 More like a loose bat into the singing hot-dog guy's throat! 435 00:17:54,742 --> 00:17:57,087 Kimberly broke up with me! 436 00:17:57,112 --> 00:17:59,823 To be honest, Nancy and I thought that girl was bad news. 437 00:17:59,848 --> 00:18:01,291 We found condoms in her purse. 438 00:18:01,316 --> 00:18:04,661 Ugh! I'm sick of you always trying to control me! 439 00:18:04,686 --> 00:18:07,664 I'm not gonna go to law school, get married, 440 00:18:07,689 --> 00:18:09,599 and become some uptight senator! 441 00:18:09,624 --> 00:18:11,567 Don, I've known you for maybe eight days. 442 00:18:11,592 --> 00:18:13,770 Are we going to vote on the bill? 443 00:18:13,795 --> 00:18:16,105 I can't wait to vote "present". 444 00:18:16,130 --> 00:18:18,441 Don't ever ask Chuck and Nancy for help 445 00:18:18,466 --> 00:18:21,844 because you'll let them into your heart and they'll break it! 446 00:18:21,869 --> 00:18:23,513 I cede my time! 447 00:18:23,538 --> 00:18:25,581 That's not how this works, Don. 448 00:18:25,606 --> 00:18:27,473 - Fuck you! - Present! 449 00:18:28,086 --> 00:18:30,520 What's your glitch, Shapiro? 450 00:18:30,545 --> 00:18:33,383 In 2016, I wasn't sure a nihilistic game-show host 451 00:18:33,408 --> 00:18:34,608 accused of numerous sex crimes 452 00:18:34,633 --> 00:18:36,530 should be the leader of the conservative movement. 453 00:18:36,554 --> 00:18:38,594 But then you were elected president, and I realized, 454 00:18:38,619 --> 00:18:40,763 "Supporting him boosts my website's traffic." 455 00:18:40,788 --> 00:18:43,164 But I was wrong. You don't care about conservatism. 456 00:18:43,189 --> 00:18:44,890 You just care about you! 457 00:18:44,915 --> 00:18:47,669 Obviously, I don't care about conservatism! 458 00:18:47,694 --> 00:18:50,672 I just asked someone which party has the best racist jokes 459 00:18:50,697 --> 00:18:52,106 and said, "I'm that!" 460 00:18:52,131 --> 00:18:55,310 And guess what! I'm not telling you any of them! 461 00:18:55,335 --> 00:18:56,850 Go to hell! 462 00:18:56,875 --> 00:19:00,349 Ever since I told that waitress to stop bringing breadsticks, 463 00:19:00,374 --> 00:19:02,016 I've been living in it! 464 00:19:02,041 --> 00:19:03,808 What are you talking about?! 465 00:19:06,346 --> 00:19:09,108 Live from the Charles Krauthammer Theater, 466 00:19:09,133 --> 00:19:11,233 it's "Sunday Night Live"! 467 00:19:11,258 --> 00:19:14,253 And here's your host, Mike Pompeo! 468 00:19:14,278 --> 00:19:17,342 They asked Pompeo and not me? 469 00:19:17,367 --> 00:19:19,734 I'm here to throw you in jail 470 00:19:19,759 --> 00:19:22,009 for calling someone the wrong pronoun. 471 00:19:23,059 --> 00:19:25,693 This is only gonna normalize Pompeo. 472 00:19:26,208 --> 00:19:29,810 So if you were, like, my dad, what kind of stuff would we do? 473 00:19:29,835 --> 00:19:31,246 Of course. Uh, we'd go to the movies! 474 00:19:31,270 --> 00:19:32,554 Ooh, that sounds fun. 475 00:19:32,579 --> 00:19:34,993 Yeah, there's this little underground theater 476 00:19:35,018 --> 00:19:37,362 in a cement basement on 11th Avenue, 477 00:19:37,387 --> 00:19:38,853 and the movies they show there, 478 00:19:38,878 --> 00:19:41,137 there's so much blood and depravity, 479 00:19:41,162 --> 00:19:42,758 I don't know how they snuck them out of Dresden. 480 00:19:42,782 --> 00:19:44,525 Any other bonding activities? 481 00:19:44,550 --> 00:19:47,269 Ever been on a police ride-along when they turn off the cameras? 482 00:19:47,294 --> 00:19:49,663 Ha! You will walk away with so many secrets. 483 00:19:49,688 --> 00:19:51,564 Yeah, I don't know if this is gonna work. 484 00:19:51,589 --> 00:19:53,334 Look, if it changes your mind, I'll take you to a ball game. 485 00:19:53,358 --> 00:19:55,335 I got this luxury box at Yankee Stadium 486 00:19:55,360 --> 00:19:58,372 that's entirely bricked off... no one can see in or out. 487 00:19:58,397 --> 00:20:00,607 Got an over-caffeinated 12-year-old bartender... 488 00:20:00,632 --> 00:20:02,598 Yeah, I don't know if this is gonna work. 489 00:20:04,569 --> 00:20:07,114 Thanks for watching "Sunday Night Live." 490 00:20:07,139 --> 00:20:09,849 Thank you, Tomi Lahren, Dinesh D'Souza, 491 00:20:09,874 --> 00:20:12,669 Jacob Wohl, Diamond, Silk... 492 00:20:13,946 --> 00:20:15,689 ... uh, Michael Flynn, uh, Michael Flynn Jr... 493 00:20:15,713 --> 00:20:17,496 Yeah, that might be Stephen Miller. 494 00:20:17,521 --> 00:20:20,027 Are all the nurses pretending they're on lunch break? 495 00:20:20,052 --> 00:20:21,652 - Yep, that's him. - Good night. 496 00:20:23,121 --> 00:20:26,533 Oh, my God. Stevie. What happened? 497 00:20:26,558 --> 00:20:28,601 Were you attacked just for what you believe? 498 00:20:28,626 --> 00:20:32,104 Sort of. I was sitting in a conservatives-only seat 499 00:20:32,129 --> 00:20:34,084 at the movie theater, and someone told me 500 00:20:34,109 --> 00:20:35,942 to move my big head a little. 501 00:20:35,967 --> 00:20:38,978 It hurt my feelings so bad, I called 911. 502 00:20:39,003 --> 00:20:42,126 I'm not sure how much longer I have 503 00:20:42,151 --> 00:20:44,451 because the doctor refuses to examine me. 504 00:20:44,476 --> 00:20:46,619 Stevie, Stevie. 505 00:20:46,644 --> 00:20:49,088 You're gonna make it, God damn it! 506 00:20:49,113 --> 00:20:51,324 If you can survive every roommate you've ever had 507 00:20:51,349 --> 00:20:53,436 "accidentally" leaving the stove on, 508 00:20:53,461 --> 00:20:55,094 you can survive this. 509 00:20:55,119 --> 00:20:57,717 I've got to go now, Mr. Trump, 510 00:20:57,956 --> 00:21:01,500 but next time conservatives are getting made fun of real bad, 511 00:21:01,525 --> 00:21:04,292 tell them my story. 512 00:21:04,744 --> 00:21:07,339 - B-e-e-e-e-e-e-ee... - What kind of god would 513 00:21:07,364 --> 00:21:09,764 - B-e-e-e-e-e-e-ee... - let a man be made fun of?! 514 00:21:09,789 --> 00:21:11,999 - E-e-e-ee... - It should be me lying there! 515 00:21:12,024 --> 00:21:13,979 - B-e-e-e-e-e-e-ee... - It looks so comfortable! 516 00:21:14,004 --> 00:21:16,637 - B-e-e-e-e-e-e-ee... - Why is this loser in my bed?! 517 00:21:16,773 --> 00:21:18,907 - B-e-e-e-e-e-e-ee... - I want the bed! 518 00:21:23,021 --> 00:21:26,122 Shit! Why did I only get $800 in quarters? 519 00:21:26,282 --> 00:21:28,349 Whoa! Uh, huh? 520 00:21:28,619 --> 00:21:30,629 Thanks, Kimberly. You... 521 00:21:30,654 --> 00:21:32,531 I didn't see you at Fontainebleau. 522 00:21:32,556 --> 00:21:33,854 Sorry about that. 523 00:21:34,169 --> 00:21:37,358 Hey, do you think maybe I was working through some stuff 524 00:21:37,383 --> 00:21:39,467 when I had Chuck and Nancy re-birth me 525 00:21:39,492 --> 00:21:41,606 using couch cushions as the birth canal? 526 00:21:41,631 --> 00:21:44,570 Don, when you let people in like Chuck and Nancy, 527 00:21:44,595 --> 00:21:46,277 you allow them to change who you are. 528 00:21:46,302 --> 00:21:48,267 Next thing you know, you're acting like a baby 529 00:21:48,292 --> 00:21:49,757 instead of the tough strong man 530 00:21:49,782 --> 00:21:51,682 who made two koalas play Russian Roulette. 531 00:21:51,707 --> 00:21:54,452 - Yeah, I miss that guy. - Me too. 532 00:21:54,477 --> 00:21:56,798 And that guy can let me in, 533 00:21:56,823 --> 00:21:58,490 and I'll never try to change him, 534 00:21:58,515 --> 00:22:01,682 even if his every decision is a transparent cry for help. 535 00:22:02,018 --> 00:22:05,104 Cool. Now let's pour some beer in my crack. 536 00:22:05,129 --> 00:22:09,333 No, Don, let's pour some beer in our cracks. 537 00:22:12,603 --> 00:22:13,670 How's he doing? 538 00:22:13,695 --> 00:22:16,541 It was a close call, but he's gonna be okay. 539 00:22:16,566 --> 00:22:18,813 Well, I better go. I got my Sunday Night Live 540 00:22:18,838 --> 00:22:20,775 audition in the morning, and I still haven't nailed 541 00:22:20,799 --> 00:22:22,647 Michelle Obama's accent. 542 00:22:22,672 --> 00:22:25,215 Ben. We can't let this happen again. 543 00:22:25,240 --> 00:22:26,851 Next time, it could be someone 544 00:22:26,876 --> 00:22:29,397 who has more than zero contacts in his phone. 545 00:22:29,422 --> 00:22:31,904 But you were right. It's over. The liberals won. 546 00:22:31,929 --> 00:22:34,692 MSNBC is like the Fox News of TV. 547 00:22:34,767 --> 00:22:37,044 I thought I heard something about a march. 548 00:22:37,069 --> 00:22:39,229 You think that's something the president would be into? 549 00:22:39,254 --> 00:22:41,231 - Did you forget again? - I did. 550 00:22:41,256 --> 00:22:43,022 ♪ Why ♪ 551 00:22:43,224 --> 00:22:45,191 ♪ We ♪ 552 00:22:45,393 --> 00:22:47,126 ♪ Fight ♪ 553 00:22:47,651 --> 00:22:49,616 This is why we fight! 554 00:22:49,641 --> 00:22:51,541 ♪ Save ♪ 555 00:22:51,566 --> 00:22:53,833 ♪ The right ♪ 556 00:22:54,202 --> 00:22:55,845 We have got to save the right! 557 00:22:57,950 --> 00:23:00,317 Tomorrow, millions of conservatives 558 00:23:00,342 --> 00:23:01,685 are coming here to march, 559 00:23:01,710 --> 00:23:03,574 and I can't think of one thing to tell them 560 00:23:03,599 --> 00:23:05,889 other than I forgot to get Port-a-Potties. 561 00:23:05,914 --> 00:23:09,392 Just tell them that, some day, we will achieve true equality 562 00:23:09,417 --> 00:23:12,101 and be able to wear a Confederate flag unitard 563 00:23:12,126 --> 00:23:14,029 to SoulCycle. 564 00:23:14,054 --> 00:23:18,090 ♪ What do we stand for? ♪ 565 00:23:18,326 --> 00:23:20,392 ♪ Why do we fight? ♪ 566 00:23:23,208 --> 00:23:25,308 ♪ To protect the lives ♪ 567 00:23:25,333 --> 00:23:30,068 ♪ Of rich men who are white ♪ 568 00:23:30,548 --> 00:23:33,983 ♪ So Rush Limbaugh ♪ 569 00:23:34,008 --> 00:23:38,410 ♪ Can sleep sound at night ♪ 570 00:23:38,779 --> 00:23:42,848 ♪ And we are never held accountable ♪ 571 00:23:43,283 --> 00:23:46,429 ♪ For a joke we made in front of a biracial co-worker ♪ 572 00:23:46,454 --> 00:23:48,654 ♪ This is why we fight ♪ 573 00:23:48,856 --> 00:23:53,412 ♪ For Proud Boys and alt-rights ♪ 574 00:23:54,728 --> 00:23:57,796 ♪ For rich white men ♪ 575 00:23:57,821 --> 00:24:01,788 ♪ And rich white men's wives ♪ 576 00:24:01,813 --> 00:24:03,712 I'm cool with this also. 577 00:24:03,737 --> 00:24:05,824 Conservatives from all over the country 578 00:24:05,849 --> 00:24:07,192 have gathered in Washington 579 00:24:07,217 --> 00:24:08,884 to fight for the rights of Republicans 580 00:24:08,909 --> 00:24:10,318 or, said another way, 581 00:24:10,343 --> 00:24:13,022 the President has hosted a white-power rally. 582 00:24:13,047 --> 00:24:15,134 The Grand Wizard is about to speak. 583 00:24:16,216 --> 00:24:18,115 ♪ Why ♪ 584 00:24:18,351 --> 00:24:21,152 ♪ We fight ♪ 585 00:24:24,357 --> 00:24:26,123 ♪ Save ♪ 586 00:24:26,359 --> 00:24:29,160 ♪ The right ♪ 587 00:24:32,232 --> 00:24:36,568 My fellow conservatives, we have a dream, 588 00:24:36,903 --> 00:24:39,714 a dream that began on a bridge in Selma 589 00:24:39,739 --> 00:24:41,849 though not the side people typically think of... 590 00:24:41,874 --> 00:24:44,242 a dream that, one day, 591 00:24:44,578 --> 00:24:47,188 conservatives will be able to go online 592 00:24:47,213 --> 00:24:51,402 without the fear of someone teasing them a little bit! 593 00:24:51,427 --> 00:24:54,152 Wow. What a fuckin' snowflake. 594 00:24:56,239 --> 00:24:58,199 Hey, you guys don't have a permit for any of this. 595 00:24:58,224 --> 00:24:59,256 You gotta scram. 596 00:24:59,281 --> 00:25:01,546 Oh, why? Because we're conservatives? 597 00:25:02,795 --> 00:25:04,938 No. Just, everyone needs a permit. 598 00:25:04,963 --> 00:25:06,243 You don't get special treatment. 599 00:25:18,621 --> 00:25:20,021 Let us stay! 600 00:25:20,046 --> 00:25:22,746 It's not fair! 601 00:25:23,158 --> 00:25:25,136 We're allowed to be here! 602 00:25:25,161 --> 00:25:26,626 Mommy said so! 603 00:25:26,651 --> 00:25:29,438 You're a bad cop! Bad cop! 604 00:25:29,463 --> 00:25:31,229 He is a bad cop! 605 00:25:31,254 --> 00:25:35,045 Let us stay, or I'm gonna cry, and I'm gonna cry and cry! 606 00:25:35,070 --> 00:25:36,569 I hate you! 607 00:25:40,588 --> 00:25:42,475 Is that tears or piss? 608 00:25:43,228 --> 00:25:45,963 Ah. It's just tears, thank God. 609 00:25:45,988 --> 00:25:47,555 Alright, stay. Just wrap it up 610 00:25:47,580 --> 00:25:49,214 before the ceramics fair sets up. 611 00:25:49,241 --> 00:25:51,084 - Yay! - We did it! 612 00:25:51,109 --> 00:25:53,243 - Hooray! - The right always wins! 613 00:25:55,590 --> 00:25:57,823 How are your hammies, Mr. President? 614 00:25:57,848 --> 00:26:00,829 Pretty sore, but I'll just take a month off work, 615 00:26:00,854 --> 00:26:02,920 wherever that is. 616 00:26:02,945 --> 00:26:04,901 You think this changed anything? 617 00:26:04,925 --> 00:26:06,527 I'm about to find out. 618 00:26:06,936 --> 00:26:10,236 I'm on my way, SoulCycle! 619 00:26:11,639 --> 00:26:13,640 Where'd you learn to cry like that? 620 00:26:13,665 --> 00:26:16,359 Let's just say a couple kooky cats taught me 621 00:26:16,384 --> 00:26:17,884 how to be vulnerable. 622 00:26:18,080 --> 00:26:22,014 Great news! Before I burnt down O'Shittery's Beer Dump, 623 00:26:22,039 --> 00:26:24,087 I stole a bunch of kegs from the loading dock. 624 00:26:24,112 --> 00:26:25,873 - Wanna go drink them? - Uh, yeah, we're okay. 625 00:26:25,897 --> 00:26:27,864 Yeah, I think... W-We're alright, though. 626 00:26:27,889 --> 00:26:29,621 You guys are huge dicks! 627 00:26:29,646 --> 00:26:34,016 I'm gonna start my own movement against huge dicks! 628 00:26:34,218 --> 00:26:35,951 ♪ Why ♪ 629 00:26:36,053 --> 00:26:37,820 ♪ We ♪ 630 00:26:38,022 --> 00:26:41,656 ♪ Fight ♪ 631 00:26:41,859 --> 00:26:43,926 ♪ Save ♪ 632 00:26:44,128 --> 00:26:45,828 ♪ The ♪ 633 00:26:46,030 --> 00:26:48,797 ♪ Right ♪ 634 00:26:49,653 --> 00:26:53,888 ♪ I used to feel like I could walk the Earth ♪ 635 00:26:53,913 --> 00:26:57,549 ♪ Like a human god ♪ 636 00:26:57,574 --> 00:27:00,342 ♪ Now I still am a human god ♪ 637 00:27:00,721 --> 00:27:03,222 ♪ But I feel like I'm not ♪ 638 00:27:21,931 --> 00:27:23,797 ♪ Why ♪ 639 00:27:24,000 --> 00:27:25,799 ♪ We ♪ 640 00:27:26,002 --> 00:27:27,368 ♪ Fight ♪ 641 00:27:27,670 --> 00:27:30,225 ♪ Leave Meghan McCain alone ♪ 642 00:27:30,250 --> 00:27:32,050 ♪ Save ♪ 643 00:27:32,075 --> 00:27:34,762 ♪ The right ♪ 644 00:27:34,787 --> 00:27:38,689 ♪ Yeah, we gotta save the right ♪ 645 00:27:38,714 --> 00:27:41,982 ♪ Ooh-ooh ♪ 646 00:27:42,184 --> 00:27:44,184 ♪ Ooh ♪ 647 00:27:49,079 --> 00:27:54,079 - Synced and corrected by Firefly - - www.addic7ed.com - 49820

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