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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:05,000 - Synced and corrected by Firefly - - www.addic7ed.com - 2 00:00:11,225 --> 00:00:12,945 Welcome to night one of the first 3 00:00:12,970 --> 00:00:14,679 - Democratic presidential debate. - _ 4 00:00:15,729 --> 00:00:16,883 Good evening. I'm Lester Holt, 5 00:00:16,907 --> 00:00:18,140 the last living good man. 6 00:00:18,165 --> 00:00:20,047 Also joining me, Savannah Guthrie, 7 00:00:20,072 --> 00:00:23,107 Jose Diaz-Balart, Rachel Maddow, and Chuck Todd, 8 00:00:23,170 --> 00:00:25,250 who, even next to 20 presidential candidates, 9 00:00:25,275 --> 00:00:26,474 seems like an ego-maniac. 10 00:00:26,499 --> 00:00:28,601 Hey, if everyone's saying you're worse than shit, 11 00:00:28,626 --> 00:00:29,729 you're doin' something right. 12 00:00:29,753 --> 00:00:30,985 Let's meet the candidates. 13 00:00:31,010 --> 00:00:33,739 Audience, please withhold your "Is this the best we can dos" 14 00:00:33,764 --> 00:00:35,457 until the end. 15 00:00:35,482 --> 00:00:36,548 Mayor, De Blasio. 16 00:00:36,573 --> 00:00:39,957 I'm Mayor Bill De Blasio, and if I have one weakness, 17 00:00:39,982 --> 00:00:41,406 it's that I work too little. 18 00:00:41,431 --> 00:00:43,608 I'm Tim Ryan. I can't stop blinking. 19 00:00:43,633 --> 00:00:45,800 And every second feels like an hour. 20 00:00:45,825 --> 00:00:48,522 Julian Castro asked to reserve his introduction time 21 00:00:48,547 --> 00:00:50,181 to later destroy Beto O'Rourke. 22 00:00:50,206 --> 00:00:51,680 - Wait, what? - Senator Booker? 23 00:00:51,705 --> 00:00:53,619 I'm Cory Booker. If you don't vote for me, 24 00:00:53,644 --> 00:00:55,311 I'll come to your home, knock on your door, 25 00:00:55,335 --> 00:00:56,789 and ask, "Why not?" 26 00:00:56,814 --> 00:00:59,358 I'm Elizabeth Warren, the healthy salad place 27 00:00:59,383 --> 00:01:02,025 that you should eat at, but Chipotle is right there. 28 00:01:02,050 --> 00:01:03,583 I'm Beto O'Rourke. A bunch of people 29 00:01:03,608 --> 00:01:05,397 told me to run, and I'm still not sure why. 30 00:01:05,422 --> 00:01:09,023 I'm Senator Amy Klobuchar, and I'm not the monster... 31 00:01:09,048 --> 00:01:10,569 my former assistants 32 00:01:10,593 --> 00:01:11,715 make me out to be. 33 00:01:11,740 --> 00:01:14,472 I actually have a lot of good ideas. 34 00:01:14,497 --> 00:01:18,227 _ 35 00:01:18,251 --> 00:01:20,327 _ 36 00:01:20,352 --> 00:01:21,367 Jesus Christ! 37 00:01:21,392 --> 00:01:22,838 And there's crazy Russian plant, 38 00:01:22,862 --> 00:01:24,815 possibly a retired Canadian football player, 39 00:01:24,840 --> 00:01:26,240 and bald guy. 40 00:01:26,265 --> 00:01:29,255 I am so confident, I will attempt to speak Spanish 41 00:01:29,280 --> 00:01:30,812 without ever having studied it. 42 00:01:30,837 --> 00:01:34,192 Estado unedos es moy bueno e guapo. 43 00:01:34,217 --> 00:01:36,866 You won, Julian. Now stop! 44 00:01:36,891 --> 00:01:39,197 Julian, even I think you're being too harsh, 45 00:01:39,222 --> 00:01:42,223 and I once made an intern swallow a battery. 46 00:01:42,248 --> 00:01:45,003 Oh, man! Everyone here is really smart. 47 00:01:45,028 --> 00:01:46,623 Jesus, I'm kicking everyone's ass, 48 00:01:46,648 --> 00:01:47,860 and I still can't stop shaking. 49 00:01:47,884 --> 00:01:50,525 Hey, whoever's in charge of the audio 50 00:01:50,550 --> 00:01:52,876 is definitely the dumbest one here, right? 51 00:01:52,901 --> 00:01:56,008 He's gonna get the reputation of being the dumb guy. 52 00:01:56,033 --> 00:01:57,593 No doubt about it. 53 00:01:57,618 --> 00:01:59,051 - Welcome to night 2. - _ 54 00:01:59,076 --> 00:02:01,652 Different ingredients, same burrito you found in the trash. 55 00:02:01,677 --> 00:02:03,844 Let's meet the candidates. 56 00:02:03,869 --> 00:02:06,072 I'm Marianne Williamson, and I want to be 57 00:02:06,097 --> 00:02:08,873 the first quack president of the United States, baby. 58 00:02:08,898 --> 00:02:10,484 I think it's safe to skip the next two 59 00:02:10,508 --> 00:02:11,999 unless the audience objects. 60 00:02:12,594 --> 00:02:13,740 Moving on. 61 00:02:13,765 --> 00:02:15,311 I'm Mayor Pete Buttigieg. 62 00:02:15,336 --> 00:02:17,834 I'm so committed to being president that I've allowed 63 00:02:17,859 --> 00:02:20,693 my city to descend into a den of racial animus. 64 00:02:20,718 --> 00:02:21,838 Shouldn't you go back there? 65 00:02:21,863 --> 00:02:24,378 Yeah, I'm gonna leave Miami for South Bend. 66 00:02:24,403 --> 00:02:25,568 Oh-ho-kay, bitch. 67 00:02:25,593 --> 00:02:26,692 Please don't call me bitch. 68 00:02:26,717 --> 00:02:27,784 Vice President Biden? 69 00:02:27,809 --> 00:02:30,247 I promise that as president, 70 00:02:30,272 --> 00:02:33,138 no pile of shit will go un-stepped in. 71 00:02:33,163 --> 00:02:34,684 I'm Bernie Sanders. 72 00:02:34,709 --> 00:02:37,320 My first action as president 73 00:02:37,345 --> 00:02:39,144 will be to clean up the White House. 74 00:02:39,169 --> 00:02:42,135 Pine-Sol the floors, put Formula 409 in the tubs, 75 00:02:42,160 --> 00:02:44,160 and Windex all the windows. 76 00:02:44,185 --> 00:02:46,731 You are not going to be able to breathe 77 00:02:46,756 --> 00:02:47,987 in there for a month! 78 00:02:48,012 --> 00:02:49,885 I'm Senator Kamala Harris. 79 00:02:49,910 --> 00:02:52,440 I have a black father, Indian mother, 80 00:02:52,465 --> 00:02:53,525 and I'm a woman. 81 00:02:53,550 --> 00:02:57,029 I'm a tasty turkey leg in a trap ready to catch Trump. 82 00:02:57,054 --> 00:02:58,453 Okay, let me see who's left. 83 00:02:58,555 --> 00:02:59,654 And we're good. 84 00:02:59,679 --> 00:03:02,334 Joe Biden, I'm gonna bus you into the forest 85 00:03:02,359 --> 00:03:03,458 and leave you there. 86 00:03:03,483 --> 00:03:04,523 Get him, Kamala! 87 00:03:04,548 --> 00:03:06,006 All right, look, look, look. 88 00:03:06,030 --> 00:03:09,764 Look, look, look, look, look. Folks, look. 89 00:03:09,943 --> 00:03:11,543 Oh, that's my time. 90 00:03:11,568 --> 00:03:13,970 If you need someone to calm tensions between 91 00:03:13,995 --> 00:03:16,514 Joe and Kamala, I am not the guy. 92 00:03:16,539 --> 00:03:18,295 Let's focus on the real issue. 93 00:03:18,320 --> 00:03:21,220 A cat's in my car and refuses to unlock the door. 94 00:03:21,245 --> 00:03:23,244 Why isn't anyone asking Marianne Williamson's 95 00:03:23,269 --> 00:03:24,688 position on busing? 96 00:03:24,713 --> 00:03:27,415 If Jane was not in the picture, 97 00:03:27,516 --> 00:03:31,552 I would send a crystal to Marianne Williamson 98 00:03:31,654 --> 00:03:35,410 with a note saying, "From your secret admirer." 99 00:03:35,435 --> 00:03:37,435 Everybody come on out. Everyone. 100 00:03:37,460 --> 00:03:39,493 You too, Tim Ryan, let's go! 101 00:03:39,518 --> 00:03:40,918 I want each of you to listen to me. 102 00:03:40,943 --> 00:03:43,002 Next debate, you need to get your shit together. 103 00:03:43,027 --> 00:03:44,387 You're running for president here. 104 00:03:44,412 --> 00:03:45,944 - Sorry. - Sorry, baby! 105 00:03:45,969 --> 00:03:48,323 It's okay. Joe, I think we're good. 106 00:03:48,348 --> 00:03:50,225 If you want, we can all pretend you never ran. 107 00:03:50,250 --> 00:03:51,579 Get you a nice podcast. 108 00:03:51,604 --> 00:03:54,718 Are you kidding? I'm setting myself up for 2024! 109 00:03:54,743 --> 00:03:58,579 From all of us here at NBC News, God help us all. 110 00:04:00,593 --> 00:04:03,894 Karma isn't real, losers. 111 00:04:03,919 --> 00:04:05,418 Oh! 112 00:04:07,644 --> 00:04:09,710 ♪ Three white people on a couch ♪ 113 00:04:09,735 --> 00:04:12,269 ♪ It's "Fox and Friends" ♪ 114 00:04:12,294 --> 00:04:15,039 You're a good person, so nothing you do is bad! 115 00:04:15,064 --> 00:04:16,329 - It's "Fox and Friends"! - _ 116 00:04:16,354 --> 00:04:18,070 Well, the the Intergovernmental Panel 117 00:04:18,095 --> 00:04:20,588 on Climate Change just released another report 118 00:04:20,613 --> 00:04:23,111 saying climate change is real. What?! 119 00:04:23,136 --> 00:04:24,578 Climate change isn't real! 120 00:04:24,603 --> 00:04:26,336 I know because the mountain on my 121 00:04:26,361 --> 00:04:28,835 computer background is still covered in snow. 122 00:04:28,860 --> 00:04:31,889 If the climate is changing, how come every day this year 123 00:04:31,914 --> 00:04:33,380 has been the hottest one on record? 124 00:04:33,405 --> 00:04:36,169 Speaking of hotty-boom-bodies, President Trump 125 00:04:36,194 --> 00:04:39,128 is delivering comments on the climate report right now. 126 00:04:39,153 --> 00:04:41,230 Calm down. The Earth isn't heating up. 127 00:04:41,255 --> 00:04:43,554 The sun's just bloated from a big lunch. 128 00:04:43,579 --> 00:04:45,245 Mister President, why are you drenched? 129 00:04:45,270 --> 00:04:47,370 I just watched "The Perfect Storm". 130 00:04:47,395 --> 00:04:48,582 That's not how movies work. 131 00:04:48,607 --> 00:04:49,839 Fuck you! 132 00:04:49,864 --> 00:04:51,297 - Today was a hot one, - _ 133 00:04:51,322 --> 00:04:54,553 and that means President Trump looked absolutely disgusting. 134 00:04:54,578 --> 00:04:55,778 According to sources, 135 00:04:55,803 --> 00:04:57,543 the sweat wanted to roll down his face, 136 00:04:57,568 --> 00:04:59,737 but there was just too much sweat already there, 137 00:04:59,762 --> 00:05:01,595 so it retreated into his eardrums. 138 00:05:01,620 --> 00:05:04,274 Is President Swamp-ass finally feeling the effects 139 00:05:04,299 --> 00:05:05,398 of climate change? 140 00:05:05,423 --> 00:05:06,455 You're... 141 00:05:06,480 --> 00:05:07,847 President... 142 00:05:07,872 --> 00:05:09,037 Swamp... 143 00:05:09,062 --> 00:05:10,604 Eh... 144 00:05:10,629 --> 00:05:12,629 It's too hot, forget it. 145 00:05:16,077 --> 00:05:17,843 What's your strategy for the debate tonight? 146 00:05:17,868 --> 00:05:19,635 I'm thinking of jumping on a bunch of stuff. 147 00:05:19,660 --> 00:05:21,426 I'm going to keep announcing policies that 148 00:05:21,451 --> 00:05:23,539 for some reason people call unlikable. 149 00:05:23,564 --> 00:05:25,166 I'm just gonna say what everyone else says, 150 00:05:25,190 --> 00:05:26,656 but vaguer and louder. 151 00:05:26,681 --> 00:05:28,747 That was my idea, fuck-nuts! 152 00:05:28,772 --> 00:05:31,673 Hey, who's that guy over there whispering to his saltines? 153 00:05:32,839 --> 00:05:34,084 Pretty good. That's a good batch. 154 00:05:34,108 --> 00:05:36,258 - Oh, it's Bernie. Poor guy. - Yeah. 155 00:05:36,283 --> 00:05:37,350 - Yeah. - Yeah. 156 00:05:37,375 --> 00:05:38,377 Isn't he a front runner? 157 00:05:38,402 --> 00:05:40,333 - That doesn't sound right. - It's still early! 158 00:05:40,358 --> 00:05:42,124 Look, I feel bad for the old man. 159 00:05:42,149 --> 00:05:44,389 I mean, he's got to be, what, ten months older than I am? 160 00:05:44,418 --> 00:05:45,838 I'll go keep him company. 161 00:05:45,863 --> 00:05:47,896 Hey, Bernie, what's shakin'? 162 00:05:47,921 --> 00:05:51,611 This economy is completely rigged against working people. 163 00:05:51,636 --> 00:05:53,674 Jesus, save it for the debate. 164 00:05:53,699 --> 00:05:56,330 I'm sorry. It's just that the economy 165 00:05:56,355 --> 00:05:59,451 is completely tilted against everyday working class... 166 00:05:59,476 --> 00:06:01,858 Just hey, why don't you come hang with us? 167 00:06:01,883 --> 00:06:04,089 Cory's showing us a picture of his girlfriend, 168 00:06:04,114 --> 00:06:06,756 and, I swear to God, it's the first Google result 169 00:06:06,781 --> 00:06:07,993 for "hot girlfriend." 170 00:06:08,018 --> 00:06:10,896 Uh, I don't belong over there with you combed-hair types. 171 00:06:10,921 --> 00:06:12,754 You're a front runner, Bernie. 172 00:06:12,779 --> 00:06:14,946 Maybe it's time to start looking the part. 173 00:06:14,971 --> 00:06:18,239 Get a haircut, buy a suit you didn't find in a railyard, 174 00:06:18,264 --> 00:06:21,362 scrape off the lozenges stuck to your necktie. 175 00:06:25,009 --> 00:06:28,143 I would, but I have to do my pre-debate ritual 176 00:06:28,168 --> 00:06:31,339 where I go through all 75 punch cards in my wallet. 177 00:06:31,364 --> 00:06:34,599 Yesus H. Kripes. 178 00:06:35,902 --> 00:06:37,401 Has anyone seen the President? 179 00:06:37,504 --> 00:06:38,669 - No. - Nope. 180 00:06:40,673 --> 00:06:43,128 I thought it might be cooler under the table, 181 00:06:43,153 --> 00:06:45,921 but Pompeo's ankles are like space heaters. 182 00:06:45,946 --> 00:06:48,864 Hey, is global warming real, or is it just a scary story 183 00:06:48,889 --> 00:06:51,325 you tell your kids so they ask to sleep at their mom's? 184 00:06:51,350 --> 00:06:54,896 Unlike my shit wife's "film career", it's real. 185 00:06:54,921 --> 00:06:57,520 Okay, who doesn't believe global warming is real? 186 00:06:58,410 --> 00:07:00,479 So, the four dumbest people in the room? 187 00:07:00,504 --> 00:07:01,689 Okay, it's real. 188 00:07:01,714 --> 00:07:03,047 Oh, what's the difference? 189 00:07:03,072 --> 00:07:05,472 By the time it kicks in, we'll be dead or living in 190 00:07:05,497 --> 00:07:08,953 space mansions having zero gravity bunga bunga parties. 191 00:07:08,978 --> 00:07:11,378 How would you get enough leverage to perform? 192 00:07:11,403 --> 00:07:13,324 Velcro, you idiot. 193 00:07:13,349 --> 00:07:15,149 You think I didn't think of that?! 194 00:07:15,174 --> 00:07:16,974 Let him go. It's not worth it. 195 00:07:18,453 --> 00:07:20,253 Oh! The ice cream truck! 196 00:07:20,278 --> 00:07:21,711 Oh, thank God! 197 00:07:24,503 --> 00:07:26,376 Ice Cream! Huh? 198 00:07:26,401 --> 00:07:27,962 Hello, Donald. 199 00:07:27,986 --> 00:07:30,941 Mad Dog Mattis? Sad Dog McMaster? 200 00:07:30,966 --> 00:07:33,143 Third Dog Kelly? What are doing here? 201 00:07:33,168 --> 00:07:35,635 We hit save on our tell-alls to warn you about 202 00:07:35,660 --> 00:07:38,094 the biggest threat to our national security. 203 00:07:38,196 --> 00:07:39,896 Dashboard hula girls coming to life 204 00:07:39,921 --> 00:07:41,952 and yanking your steering wheel into a ravine? 205 00:07:41,977 --> 00:07:43,176 Climate change. 206 00:07:43,201 --> 00:07:45,618 Oceans are rising, and, had you listened 207 00:07:45,643 --> 00:07:49,059 to briefings, you'd know naval bases are on the water. 208 00:07:49,084 --> 00:07:51,818 And if troops launching World War Three while wearing 209 00:07:51,843 --> 00:07:54,888 water wingies doesn't trouble you, take a look at this. 210 00:07:54,913 --> 00:07:55,989 What's that... 211 00:07:56,014 --> 00:07:57,229 a big sweet roll? 212 00:07:57,254 --> 00:07:59,091 That, sir, is your face. 213 00:07:59,116 --> 00:08:01,471 If global warming continues at its current rate, 214 00:08:01,496 --> 00:08:02,828 here it is in five years. 215 00:08:02,853 --> 00:08:05,472 Ten years. And twenty years. 216 00:08:05,497 --> 00:08:06,796 Aah! My face! 217 00:08:06,821 --> 00:08:08,301 I'd only be body-hot! 218 00:08:08,326 --> 00:08:11,270 Sir, if you don't do something about climate change and fast, 219 00:08:11,295 --> 00:08:12,506 you will be the most uncomfortable, 220 00:08:12,530 --> 00:08:14,584 disgusting person on the face of this Earth. 221 00:08:14,609 --> 00:08:15,908 More disgusting than... 222 00:08:15,933 --> 00:08:18,340 Chris Christie, yes, even Chris Christie. 223 00:08:21,926 --> 00:08:24,894 I'm Chuck Todd, and NBC won't give me a parking space. 224 00:08:24,919 --> 00:08:27,568 Tonight, the Democratic candidates compete to represent 225 00:08:27,593 --> 00:08:29,532 the party against President Donald Trump. 226 00:08:29,557 --> 00:08:32,205 They will be given one minute to spout poll-tested buzzwords 227 00:08:32,230 --> 00:08:33,867 that I will give zero pushback on. 228 00:08:33,892 --> 00:08:34,981 Let's meet the candidates. 229 00:08:36,130 --> 00:08:37,506 Sorry I am late. 230 00:08:37,531 --> 00:08:39,698 I left my ThinkPad at the pharmacy. 231 00:08:39,723 --> 00:08:41,099 Hey! Pump your brakes, chief. 232 00:08:41,124 --> 00:08:42,988 This is for presidential candidates only. 233 00:08:43,013 --> 00:08:46,605 Hello, operator, I am a presidential candidate. 234 00:08:46,630 --> 00:08:48,303 Yeah, there's no way a presidential candidate 235 00:08:48,327 --> 00:08:49,485 has relish on his shirt. 236 00:08:49,510 --> 00:08:51,187 That's why I went to the pharmacy, 237 00:08:51,212 --> 00:08:52,410 to get a new shirt. 238 00:08:52,435 --> 00:08:54,357 And please welcome the Senator from Vermont. 239 00:08:54,381 --> 00:08:56,181 You know this guy... Bernie Sanders. 240 00:08:56,206 --> 00:08:58,956 That's me! Now you let me on that stage, 241 00:08:58,981 --> 00:09:01,253 or you're getting a knuckle sandwich, pal, 242 00:09:01,278 --> 00:09:02,677 heavy on the relish. 243 00:09:02,702 --> 00:09:04,601 Senator Bernie Sanders? Is he here? 244 00:09:04,859 --> 00:09:07,515 He's probably at home watching the movie, 245 00:09:07,540 --> 00:09:09,517 "The Socialism Network". 246 00:09:10,697 --> 00:09:11,730 Sorry. 247 00:09:11,755 --> 00:09:13,655 I know why you're doing this! 248 00:09:13,757 --> 00:09:17,625 Because there's a profit motive in our prison system! 249 00:09:19,239 --> 00:09:20,372 Watcha doing, Dad? 250 00:09:20,397 --> 00:09:23,017 Thinking about how freaking huge Andre the Giant was? 251 00:09:23,042 --> 00:09:25,943 I'm just thinking about how to combat climate change... 252 00:09:25,968 --> 00:09:28,925 and I do my best thinking sitting in an idling car 253 00:09:28,950 --> 00:09:30,715 inside an idling plane... 254 00:09:30,740 --> 00:09:32,136 on an idling boat. 255 00:09:32,161 --> 00:09:33,653 I don't know if I can 256 00:09:33,677 --> 00:09:34,909 solve this issue. 257 00:09:34,934 --> 00:09:37,646 There's no easy fix like running a full page ad 258 00:09:37,671 --> 00:09:39,791 saying climate change should get the death penalty. 259 00:09:39,816 --> 00:09:41,636 When you're not feeling up to it, 260 00:09:41,661 --> 00:09:45,478 remember that you're doing it for the next generation. 261 00:09:45,503 --> 00:09:48,008 Oh, no, I'm doing this for something important... 262 00:09:48,033 --> 00:09:50,066 me feeling slightly more comfortable. 263 00:09:50,091 --> 00:09:52,326 Right, but you're also doing it for your children. 264 00:09:52,351 --> 00:09:54,113 You're putting words in my mouth. 265 00:09:54,138 --> 00:09:55,872 Just say, "You can do it, Dad." 266 00:09:55,897 --> 00:09:57,662 - You can do it, Dad! - You can do it, Dad! 267 00:09:57,687 --> 00:09:59,052 He's totally doing it for us. 268 00:09:59,077 --> 00:10:00,143 No, I'm not! 269 00:10:00,168 --> 00:10:01,602 - And now, a message from - _ 270 00:10:01,626 --> 00:10:03,422 the President of the United States. 271 00:10:03,447 --> 00:10:08,065 My fellow overheated Americans, for years, the party I hijacked 272 00:10:08,090 --> 00:10:11,190 as a vanity project refused to accept the science 273 00:10:11,215 --> 00:10:12,690 behind global warming. 274 00:10:12,715 --> 00:10:15,663 Today, that changes because I've been getting 275 00:10:15,688 --> 00:10:18,704 really frickin' sweaty, and I'm sick of it! 276 00:10:18,729 --> 00:10:21,162 Okay, let's go to our first caller. 277 00:10:21,710 --> 00:10:23,009 We don't have callers? 278 00:10:23,034 --> 00:10:24,600 That's a mistake! 279 00:10:25,260 --> 00:10:28,787 I'm here with volatile tech-freak Elon Musk 280 00:10:28,812 --> 00:10:32,752 to encourage all Americans to embrace electric vehicles. 281 00:10:32,777 --> 00:10:35,511 Come on, let's take a look inside! 282 00:10:35,613 --> 00:10:36,913 Oh, sorry for the mess. 283 00:10:36,938 --> 00:10:38,738 You can push the cups out of the way. 284 00:10:38,840 --> 00:10:40,304 Wow, folks! 285 00:10:40,329 --> 00:10:42,095 You can see right through the glass! 286 00:10:42,120 --> 00:10:44,487 Now, why isn't it going vroom, vroom, vroom? 287 00:10:44,512 --> 00:10:46,199 This is an electric car. 288 00:10:46,224 --> 00:10:47,958 It's just as fast as a gas one, 289 00:10:47,983 --> 00:10:50,850 but even more future and cool for me. 290 00:10:50,875 --> 00:10:53,212 Whoa, no stops at gas stations? 291 00:10:53,237 --> 00:10:56,030 That's the best part. You pick up a Gatorade, 292 00:10:56,055 --> 00:10:59,219 off-brand gummy worms in a bag sealed with a staple, 293 00:10:59,244 --> 00:11:01,727 squeeze by a rack of dirty sodas to hit the john. 294 00:11:01,752 --> 00:11:03,827 You can still go to the gas station to get, like, 295 00:11:03,852 --> 00:11:07,141 a Sprite or lighter to light your cannabis joints. 296 00:11:07,166 --> 00:11:08,625 Forget it. Let me know when you 297 00:11:08,650 --> 00:11:11,804 crack the code on gas-powered electric cars. 298 00:11:14,686 --> 00:11:16,485 This old vagrant says he knows you. 299 00:11:16,510 --> 00:11:18,329 Sorry for not calling ahead. 300 00:11:18,354 --> 00:11:20,813 My assistant's getting her hip replaced. 301 00:11:20,915 --> 00:11:23,176 So you need my help to improve your look? 302 00:11:23,201 --> 00:11:25,700 You always look so handsome, 303 00:11:25,725 --> 00:11:27,263 and I look like a ragamuffin. 304 00:11:27,288 --> 00:11:30,810 Meals on Wheels won't stop chasing my campaign bus. 305 00:11:30,835 --> 00:11:34,424 Hmmm, in 2024, it would be easier to beat a socialist 306 00:11:34,449 --> 00:11:36,649 than a political dynamo like Julian Castro. 307 00:11:36,674 --> 00:11:39,658 Heh? You have to speak at 90 decibels into this ear 308 00:11:39,683 --> 00:11:40,763 at this angle. 309 00:11:40,788 --> 00:11:42,221 Uh, sure, I'll help you. 310 00:11:42,246 --> 00:11:43,812 Looking classy is simple. 311 00:11:43,837 --> 00:11:46,392 Every equinox, I re-lacquer my whole body 312 00:11:46,417 --> 00:11:48,183 and induce a coma so I get five weeks 313 00:11:48,208 --> 00:11:49,673 of rejuvenating bedrest. 314 00:11:49,698 --> 00:11:50,930 You sleep in a bed? 315 00:11:50,955 --> 00:11:54,200 Not three mismatched sofa cushions laid end to end? 316 00:11:54,225 --> 00:11:57,269 Right. I also rotate my teeth every 6,000 bites. 317 00:11:57,294 --> 00:11:59,094 Slow down, Jesse Owens. 318 00:11:59,119 --> 00:12:01,217 I gotta take some notes here on my ThinkPad. 319 00:12:02,833 --> 00:12:04,866 God damnit, it's still updating. 320 00:12:04,891 --> 00:12:06,791 Gonna be about 300 minutes. 321 00:12:08,062 --> 00:12:10,250 The meat people are making the planet hot, 322 00:12:10,275 --> 00:12:13,698 so I need the country to stop eating cows nose to anus 323 00:12:13,723 --> 00:12:15,422 and start eating veggie burgers. 324 00:12:15,447 --> 00:12:18,133 Cory Booker just showed up because he's a vegetarian. 325 00:12:18,158 --> 00:12:20,492 Actually, I'm a vegan, and it would be unethical 326 00:12:20,517 --> 00:12:23,051 to not support the President's leadership on this issue. 327 00:12:23,076 --> 00:12:24,742 As Gandhi once said... 328 00:12:24,767 --> 00:12:26,398 Always with the Mahatma! 329 00:12:26,423 --> 00:12:27,889 Let's get this over with. 330 00:12:31,317 --> 00:12:33,361 What is happening?! 331 00:12:33,386 --> 00:12:35,306 Oh, my... 332 00:12:35,331 --> 00:12:37,265 Aaaaah! 333 00:12:41,888 --> 00:12:44,054 Uh, side-table burger... 334 00:12:44,079 --> 00:12:47,213 I had a terrible dream I had to talk to Cory Booker. 335 00:12:47,633 --> 00:12:49,796 ♪ One percent of one percent of one percent ♪ 336 00:12:49,821 --> 00:12:52,622 ♪ of one percent of one percent of one percent of one ♪ 337 00:12:52,647 --> 00:12:53,647 ♪ Percent of one ♪ 338 00:12:55,497 --> 00:12:57,972 Sorry, doctor says the mucus is too close 339 00:12:57,997 --> 00:12:59,730 to my heart so they can't operate. 340 00:12:59,755 --> 00:13:00,964 On the trail, you're... 341 00:13:00,989 --> 00:13:02,100 ♪ One percent of one percent of ♪ 342 00:13:02,124 --> 00:13:03,256 Bernie, listen! 343 00:13:03,281 --> 00:13:05,135 It's important to show voters that you don't 344 00:13:05,160 --> 00:13:06,460 eat every meal with a spoon. 345 00:13:06,485 --> 00:13:09,997 Obviously, I can still eat sandwiches with a spoon. 346 00:13:10,022 --> 00:13:11,932 You are one odd-duck animal. 347 00:13:11,957 --> 00:13:14,098 The next thing is you need to pull back the accent. 348 00:13:14,123 --> 00:13:15,503 Just talk like a computer. 349 00:13:15,528 --> 00:13:18,347 I told you the god damn thing is still updating! 350 00:13:18,372 --> 00:13:19,551 Why is it so hot?! 351 00:13:19,575 --> 00:13:21,896 Here's the key. Just be agreeable. 352 00:13:21,921 --> 00:13:23,691 Stop saying what you think 353 00:13:23,716 --> 00:13:26,380 and start saying what they think back to them. 354 00:13:26,405 --> 00:13:28,691 So I should stop cutting off everyone 355 00:13:28,716 --> 00:13:30,583 mid-sentence to shout, "You're wrong!" 356 00:13:30,608 --> 00:13:32,997 Ah, fine, but if this goes kaput, 357 00:13:33,022 --> 00:13:35,022 I get all the fruit in your fridge. 358 00:13:37,151 --> 00:13:38,984 Huh. I wonder who sent a soaking wet package 359 00:13:39,009 --> 00:13:40,036 from the White House. 360 00:13:40,061 --> 00:13:41,094 - Aah! - Aah! 361 00:13:41,119 --> 00:13:43,997 I can't eat anymore of those goddamn peanuts! 362 00:13:44,022 --> 00:13:45,641 I can't be seen with you! 363 00:13:45,666 --> 00:13:47,600 Quick, put a tailored women's blazer on. 364 00:13:47,625 --> 00:13:49,246 No one can find out we met, 365 00:13:49,271 --> 00:13:51,215 or Hannity will die of a broken heart. 366 00:13:51,240 --> 00:13:52,972 I'm embracing the green lifestyle, 367 00:13:52,997 --> 00:13:54,494 and my body is rejecting it 368 00:13:54,519 --> 00:13:56,121 like the fiftieth packing peanut. 369 00:13:56,146 --> 00:13:57,146 How do you do it? 370 00:13:57,171 --> 00:13:59,342 I don't live that green a lifestyle. 371 00:13:59,367 --> 00:14:01,581 I eat burgers, ride in SUVs. 372 00:14:01,606 --> 00:14:03,493 You two-faced hypocrite! 373 00:14:03,518 --> 00:14:05,985 You're probably not even committing white genocide. 374 00:14:06,010 --> 00:14:08,536 I promise I'm committing white genocide. 375 00:14:08,561 --> 00:14:11,167 I just recognize that it takes collective action 376 00:14:11,192 --> 00:14:13,269 to move the needle on climate change. 377 00:14:13,294 --> 00:14:15,067 So I can live my life 378 00:14:15,092 --> 00:14:16,873 while still supporting the Green New Deal. 379 00:14:16,898 --> 00:14:18,631 You're saying I can cool the planet, 380 00:14:18,656 --> 00:14:21,223 solve my sweating problem, and I don't have to give up 381 00:14:21,248 --> 00:14:22,714 my natural spring water toilet? 382 00:14:24,472 --> 00:14:27,073 I am supporting the Green New Deal, 383 00:14:27,098 --> 00:14:30,732 which will halt global warming, watershed moment, 384 00:14:30,757 --> 00:14:33,255 blah, blah, blah, and, most importantly, 385 00:14:33,280 --> 00:14:36,958 stop forcing me to change my undershirt every three hours 386 00:14:36,983 --> 00:14:39,818 because it turned from white to canary yellow. 387 00:14:39,843 --> 00:14:43,301 And I was just about to support the Green New Deal! 388 00:14:43,326 --> 00:14:45,517 - We both know that's a lie. - Okay. 389 00:14:45,542 --> 00:14:47,992 There's no way any Republican will go along with this. 390 00:14:48,017 --> 00:14:50,485 Climate change is real, and it's all our fault, folks. 391 00:14:50,510 --> 00:14:52,185 - Thousands of scientists are saying it. - _ 392 00:14:52,209 --> 00:14:54,710 If that many scientists told me to stop resting my head 393 00:14:54,735 --> 00:14:57,914 behind tires I would, but so far only three have. 394 00:14:57,939 --> 00:15:00,459 It feels weird to support the president and Mark Ruffalo. 395 00:15:00,484 --> 00:15:02,641 I feel like I'm speeding down the highway in reverse. 396 00:15:02,666 --> 00:15:05,444 We all knew one day the president would save the planet. 397 00:15:05,469 --> 00:15:07,746 - But I assumed he'd do it by piloting - _ 398 00:15:07,771 --> 00:15:09,982 the Statue of Liberty right into an alien 399 00:15:10,007 --> 00:15:11,232 spaceship's landing dock. 400 00:15:11,257 --> 00:15:13,357 He's a god, Hannity! 401 00:15:13,382 --> 00:15:16,456 Tie my shoes together, push me down an escalator, 402 00:15:16,481 --> 00:15:19,015 and let me assist him from the clouds. 403 00:15:19,040 --> 00:15:20,606 I am done here! 404 00:15:21,333 --> 00:15:22,995 Ha! I was right. 405 00:15:23,020 --> 00:15:25,950 There was no way Bernie Sanders was showing up 406 00:15:25,975 --> 00:15:28,372 to a pharmaceutical industry mixer. 407 00:15:28,397 --> 00:15:30,512 Just be patient. He said he'd be here. 408 00:15:30,537 --> 00:15:32,303 I'm not waiting here any longer. 409 00:15:32,328 --> 00:15:35,350 The CEO of Pfizer is drunkenly playing hacky sack 410 00:15:35,375 --> 00:15:36,407 with his checkbook. 411 00:15:36,432 --> 00:15:38,717 Ladies and gentleman, the honorable Senator 412 00:15:38,742 --> 00:15:40,478 from Vermont, Bernie Sanders. 413 00:15:41,760 --> 00:15:43,416 He's gorgeous! 414 00:15:43,441 --> 00:15:45,637 Senator... you look beautiful. 415 00:15:45,662 --> 00:15:47,604 Yeah, sure. Please tell me my table 416 00:15:47,629 --> 00:15:49,620 is not where the air is blowing. 417 00:15:49,645 --> 00:15:51,922 It dries up my gums, and I can't eat. 418 00:15:51,947 --> 00:15:55,133 Remember, be agreeable and say what they want to hear. 419 00:15:55,158 --> 00:15:57,025 Shall we? 420 00:15:58,354 --> 00:16:00,675 I mean, we got to split up these tech companies. 421 00:16:00,700 --> 00:16:03,348 Kids... they need to stop watching "The Social Network" 422 00:16:03,373 --> 00:16:05,846 and start watching "The Socialism Network". 423 00:16:06,896 --> 00:16:08,816 Yeah, how's it feel? Sucks, huh? 424 00:16:08,841 --> 00:16:11,709 This Green New Deal has been driving me bananas. 425 00:16:11,734 --> 00:16:12,843 What's more pressing, 426 00:16:12,868 --> 00:16:15,757 human extinction or bipartisan civility? 427 00:16:15,782 --> 00:16:17,514 Scientists say we have 12 years before 428 00:16:17,539 --> 00:16:19,693 humanity is wiped out, so what's the rush? 429 00:16:19,718 --> 00:16:20,983 That's three Olympics away! 430 00:16:21,008 --> 00:16:22,776 Bernie, what do you think? 431 00:16:22,878 --> 00:16:24,732 Be agreeable. 432 00:16:24,757 --> 00:16:26,190 Hmm... 433 00:16:26,215 --> 00:16:28,836 And for Pete's sake, taste your food before you salt it. 434 00:16:28,861 --> 00:16:31,162 That way you know if it even needs salt. 435 00:16:31,187 --> 00:16:33,207 I agree with you guys. 436 00:16:33,232 --> 00:16:34,496 - Uh-huh. - Uh-huh. 437 00:16:34,521 --> 00:16:38,345 The private sector is perfectly capable of... 438 00:16:38,370 --> 00:16:40,304 s-solving climate change. 439 00:16:40,329 --> 00:16:41,672 - Uh-huh! - Uh-huh! 440 00:16:41,697 --> 00:16:43,984 I was just about to say what Bernie said. 441 00:16:44,009 --> 00:16:46,109 Shut up, Cory. Bernie, I must say, 442 00:16:46,134 --> 00:16:48,663 you keep this up, the Democratic Party 443 00:16:48,688 --> 00:16:51,191 might just have to board this crazy train. 444 00:16:51,216 --> 00:16:52,482 I'll toast to that. 445 00:16:52,507 --> 00:16:53,617 - To Bernie! - To Bernie! 446 00:16:55,867 --> 00:16:57,787 I'd also like to toast to Bernie. 447 00:16:57,812 --> 00:17:00,762 Cory, you know when someone wants something so bad 448 00:17:00,787 --> 00:17:03,193 so that's the only reason you don't give it to them? 449 00:17:04,586 --> 00:17:07,754 90 degrees yesterday, 80 degrees today. 450 00:17:07,779 --> 00:17:10,033 Should be a breezy 70 by tomorrow, 451 00:17:10,058 --> 00:17:12,015 then we can shitcan this Green New Deal. 452 00:17:12,040 --> 00:17:14,903 Good news, President Awesome, the G-20 nations 453 00:17:14,928 --> 00:17:17,822 are putting together a ceremony in your honor. 454 00:17:17,847 --> 00:17:20,337 I'm not surprised. Has anyone in world history 455 00:17:20,362 --> 00:17:22,478 done more to solve their sweating problem? 456 00:17:22,503 --> 00:17:26,892 And there's two young men who'd like to say "thank you". 457 00:17:26,917 --> 00:17:30,886 Come on in guys. Don't be shy. 458 00:17:30,911 --> 00:17:33,222 "Dear Mister President," 459 00:17:33,247 --> 00:17:35,879 thank you for stopping global warming. 460 00:17:35,904 --> 00:17:37,537 You are a good president. 461 00:17:37,562 --> 00:17:40,221 Did you always want to be president? 462 00:17:40,246 --> 00:17:42,197 Love, Donald Junior Trump. 463 00:17:42,222 --> 00:17:44,490 "P.S. What time is it there?" 464 00:17:44,515 --> 00:17:46,579 - "Dear Mister Pres..." - Shut the hell up, Eric. 465 00:17:46,604 --> 00:17:48,256 Kellyanne, what is this? 466 00:17:48,281 --> 00:17:50,915 You put future generations ahead of yourself, 467 00:17:50,940 --> 00:17:53,752 and now every child will want to hug your leg. 468 00:17:53,777 --> 00:17:54,942 Yaayyy. 469 00:17:56,225 --> 00:18:00,482 The most important policy we can have is unity. 470 00:18:00,507 --> 00:18:03,979 Now I can take a few questions, but, please, don't get too close 471 00:18:04,004 --> 00:18:06,164 to the Mic. That foam thing's a Petri dish. 472 00:18:06,189 --> 00:18:09,123 Hey, why'd you say all that lame stuff on tape? 473 00:18:09,148 --> 00:18:10,235 - Yeah! - That sucked! 474 00:18:10,260 --> 00:18:11,693 What are these kids talking about? 475 00:18:11,718 --> 00:18:12,850 They're supposed to like me. 476 00:18:14,108 --> 00:18:18,377 And another thing. 99% of Americans 477 00:18:18,402 --> 00:18:21,963 are dependent upon government and believe that they are 478 00:18:21,988 --> 00:18:24,571 entitled to healthcare, food, pre-schools 479 00:18:24,596 --> 00:18:27,152 not owned by Walmart, you name it. 480 00:18:27,177 --> 00:18:28,477 - Yeah! - You said it, Bernie! 481 00:18:28,502 --> 00:18:32,223 If you don't make $150,000 a year, 482 00:18:32,248 --> 00:18:35,075 you should not be allowed to vote. 483 00:18:35,100 --> 00:18:37,067 Bernie! Bernie! 484 00:18:37,092 --> 00:18:39,453 I agree with what Bernie said. 485 00:18:39,478 --> 00:18:41,231 Shut up, Cory! 486 00:18:41,256 --> 00:18:42,956 What the hell was I thinking? 487 00:18:42,981 --> 00:18:45,426 I got applause from one guy without a man bun, 488 00:18:45,451 --> 00:18:47,116 and I just went nuts. 489 00:18:48,011 --> 00:18:50,099 Don't come in here unless 490 00:18:50,132 --> 00:18:53,176 you're Scott Baio with a trench coat full of cool watches. 491 00:18:53,201 --> 00:18:54,201 Are you okay? 492 00:18:54,226 --> 00:18:55,637 Did you remember that you accidentally 493 00:18:55,661 --> 00:18:58,026 kept the XFL offices operational ten years 494 00:18:58,051 --> 00:18:59,250 after the league folded? 495 00:18:59,275 --> 00:19:01,942 It's cool outside, but I still started sweating. 496 00:19:01,967 --> 00:19:03,522 How is that possible? 497 00:19:03,547 --> 00:19:05,280 Sometimes we start sweating because of 498 00:19:05,305 --> 00:19:06,455 our feelings on the inside. 499 00:19:06,480 --> 00:19:07,480 Not me, of course. 500 00:19:07,505 --> 00:19:08,950 I've scooped those out like pumpkin guts. 501 00:19:08,974 --> 00:19:11,787 Tell me how to control my feelings on the inside. 502 00:19:11,812 --> 00:19:12,826 I beg you! 503 00:19:12,851 --> 00:19:14,510 - So, uh... - Uhhh... 504 00:19:14,535 --> 00:19:17,052 You can control your feelings... 505 00:19:17,077 --> 00:19:19,577 With this magic... 506 00:19:19,602 --> 00:19:20,701 Chandelier! 507 00:19:22,184 --> 00:19:23,484 Great. How's it work? 508 00:19:23,509 --> 00:19:25,392 Uh, whenever you're feeling worried, just... 509 00:19:25,417 --> 00:19:26,444 Shake it! 510 00:19:26,469 --> 00:19:28,187 You guys are life savers. 511 00:19:28,212 --> 00:19:30,626 Can someone get some chandelier clippers? 512 00:19:31,974 --> 00:19:34,774 I'm ruined, and it's all your fault! 513 00:19:34,799 --> 00:19:35,938 Hold on there, Mister. 514 00:19:35,963 --> 00:19:37,163 Everything you said was right. 515 00:19:37,188 --> 00:19:39,163 The only thing you left out is that people who own 516 00:19:39,188 --> 00:19:41,190 fewer than five horses should be sterilized. 517 00:19:41,215 --> 00:19:43,949 I don't believe that, and the only reason I said 518 00:19:43,974 --> 00:19:47,430 any of those things was because of your bad influence. 519 00:19:47,455 --> 00:19:49,198 Dad, is everything all right? 520 00:19:49,223 --> 00:19:52,225 I heard loud voices like in a gangster film! 521 00:19:52,250 --> 00:19:53,682 Of course it is, Tagg. 522 00:19:53,707 --> 00:19:55,725 Daddy and Uncle Bernie are just talking. 523 00:19:55,750 --> 00:19:57,983 Your daddy is a real piece of shit. 524 00:19:58,008 --> 00:19:59,708 Holy Store Brand Baloney! 525 00:19:59,733 --> 00:20:01,182 Bernie, it's time to leave. 526 00:20:01,207 --> 00:20:03,358 Tagg, please walk Bernie down the stairs, 527 00:20:03,383 --> 00:20:05,015 through the library, past the kitchen, 528 00:20:05,040 --> 00:20:06,974 around the second kitchen, past the spa, 529 00:20:06,999 --> 00:20:09,633 down the steps, through the garden to his car. 530 00:20:10,141 --> 00:20:12,141 _ 531 00:20:12,172 --> 00:20:14,672 _ 532 00:20:14,696 --> 00:20:19,396 _ 533 00:20:20,610 --> 00:20:24,011 As long as I have the chandelier, I'll be fine. 534 00:20:24,113 --> 00:20:26,433 And now children from around 535 00:20:26,458 --> 00:20:30,084 the world unite in song in honor of Mr. Trump. 536 00:20:30,186 --> 00:20:31,519 Oh, yes! 537 00:20:31,621 --> 00:20:33,742 ♪ If we want to save the world ♪ 538 00:20:33,767 --> 00:20:35,634 - ♪ And for Mother Earth's health ♪ - _ 539 00:20:35,659 --> 00:20:36,979 ♪ We must think of the children ♪ 540 00:20:38,161 --> 00:20:39,948 ♪ Instead of ourselves ♪ 541 00:20:39,973 --> 00:20:41,850 ♪ So let's start riding bikes ♪ 542 00:20:41,875 --> 00:20:43,986 ♪ And stop private planes ♪ 543 00:20:44,011 --> 00:20:46,177 ♪ And recycle our plastics ♪ 544 00:20:46,202 --> 00:20:48,112 ♪ To cut down on waste ♪ 545 00:20:48,137 --> 00:20:50,125 ♪ And we'll wash our own clothes ♪ 546 00:20:50,150 --> 00:20:52,283 ♪ And we'll eat meat-free meals ♪ 547 00:20:52,308 --> 00:20:53,907 ♪ And we'll grow our own kale ♪ 548 00:20:53,932 --> 00:20:55,354 I'm flying back to the White House 549 00:20:55,378 --> 00:20:57,188 to pack up my shit before he gets back. 550 00:20:57,213 --> 00:20:59,467 Excuse me, pardon me, out of my way! 551 00:20:59,492 --> 00:21:01,159 I'll strike you in the throat! 552 00:21:01,184 --> 00:21:04,551 ♪ So think of the children instead of yourselves ♪ 553 00:21:04,653 --> 00:21:07,085 Stttooopppp! 554 00:21:07,110 --> 00:21:09,210 Shut up! Shut Up! 555 00:21:09,235 --> 00:21:11,269 I don't care about you kids. 556 00:21:11,294 --> 00:21:14,248 I care about my skin not making a peeling sound 557 00:21:14,273 --> 00:21:16,562 every time I get out of a leather chair! 558 00:21:16,587 --> 00:21:18,553 I'm pulling out of the Green New Deal! 559 00:21:18,578 --> 00:21:20,143 Oh, no! 560 00:21:20,168 --> 00:21:22,746 I'm replacing it with the Green No Deal! 561 00:21:22,771 --> 00:21:24,737 If you're not blowtorching your way through 562 00:21:24,762 --> 00:21:27,827 Glacier National Park, we're gonna bury you underground 563 00:21:27,852 --> 00:21:29,122 until you're coal. 564 00:21:29,147 --> 00:21:31,589 Enjoy the heat! 565 00:21:37,230 --> 00:21:39,537 - After President Trump fell unconscious, - _ 566 00:21:39,562 --> 00:21:42,222 the deeply offended G-20 leaders cheered on 567 00:21:42,247 --> 00:21:44,579 the children as they drew messages of hope 568 00:21:44,604 --> 00:21:46,010 on the President's face. 569 00:21:46,035 --> 00:21:48,302 The president's sweat caused the ink to run, 570 00:21:48,327 --> 00:21:51,328 so they all agreed to tattoo the images instead. 571 00:21:52,443 --> 00:21:53,443 - Bernie! - Mr. Sanders! 572 00:21:53,468 --> 00:21:54,634 - What were you thinking? - Is this the end 573 00:21:54,658 --> 00:21:55,687 of your campaign? 574 00:21:55,712 --> 00:21:57,771 If it is, I will retire 575 00:21:57,796 --> 00:22:01,013 and make it my duty to tell people on ferries 576 00:22:01,038 --> 00:22:02,519 not to lean on the railings. 577 00:22:02,544 --> 00:22:05,945 There's nothing you can't see if you take one step back, folks. 578 00:22:05,970 --> 00:22:07,802 - Bernie! - Bernie! 579 00:22:08,083 --> 00:22:10,711 You're pretty lucky your son has extensive experience 580 00:22:10,736 --> 00:22:12,896 getting tattoos of dicks removed from his face. 581 00:22:12,921 --> 00:22:14,843 Boys, the Green New Deal is toast, 582 00:22:14,868 --> 00:22:16,923 and my face is melting like butter. 583 00:22:16,948 --> 00:22:19,969 Maybe you can put the butter on the toast? 584 00:22:19,994 --> 00:22:22,116 Eric, we're gonna go ahead and reinstate that 585 00:22:22,141 --> 00:22:23,507 "one sentence per day" policy. 586 00:22:23,532 --> 00:22:26,065 I need to stop sweating, but I want to do it 587 00:22:26,090 --> 00:22:28,531 without leaving even a single scrap of planet 588 00:22:28,556 --> 00:22:29,857 for the next generation. 589 00:22:29,882 --> 00:22:31,916 Wait a second. Does the Green New Deal 590 00:22:31,941 --> 00:22:33,792 specify how the money is allocated? 591 00:22:33,817 --> 00:22:35,415 Don, it's a spending bill. 592 00:22:35,440 --> 00:22:37,440 It's like the government passed out in a whorehouse 593 00:22:37,465 --> 00:22:40,112 and everyone has until daylight to root through its pockets. 594 00:22:42,784 --> 00:22:45,727 The one day I forget my tailbone pillow. 595 00:22:45,752 --> 00:22:47,819 Room for one more human man? 596 00:22:47,844 --> 00:22:50,044 I'm sorry about what 597 00:22:50,069 --> 00:22:52,168 I said, Mitt, and for calling you 598 00:22:52,193 --> 00:22:54,171 a piece of blue-blood shit in front of your son, Tagg. 599 00:22:54,195 --> 00:22:56,234 His bedwetting has returned, 600 00:22:56,259 --> 00:22:58,394 but luckily we never took off the plastic sheets. 601 00:22:58,419 --> 00:22:59,585 How do I do it, Mitt? 602 00:22:59,610 --> 00:23:02,911 How do I look like a nominee and stay true to myself? 603 00:23:02,936 --> 00:23:04,880 You know, when I was governor of Massachusetts, 604 00:23:04,905 --> 00:23:07,593 I betrayed my principles when I passed Romneycare. 605 00:23:07,618 --> 00:23:09,718 Sure, it guaranteed our residents would never die 606 00:23:09,743 --> 00:23:11,114 due to lack of health insurance, 607 00:23:11,139 --> 00:23:13,340 but it nearly killed my presidential chances. 608 00:23:13,365 --> 00:23:15,968 I vowed to never betray my principles again, 609 00:23:15,993 --> 00:23:17,514 and look at me now. 610 00:23:17,539 --> 00:23:20,039 I won the Senate Punctuality Award. 611 00:23:20,064 --> 00:23:22,140 Well, I shared it with John Thune, but still. 612 00:23:23,190 --> 00:23:25,811 What in General Mills' Rice Chex was that? 613 00:23:25,836 --> 00:23:27,336 Thank God you heard that, too. 614 00:23:27,361 --> 00:23:29,928 I thought my sinuses collapsed again. 615 00:23:30,108 --> 00:23:32,141 Thanks to that Green New Deal cash, 616 00:23:32,166 --> 00:23:34,387 this mega air-conditioning unit will cool 617 00:23:34,412 --> 00:23:36,312 the entire White House grounds. 618 00:23:36,337 --> 00:23:39,324 Whether inside or outside, you shalt not sweat. 619 00:23:39,349 --> 00:23:40,716 You forgot the best part. 620 00:23:40,741 --> 00:23:42,540 It's terrible for the environment. 621 00:23:42,565 --> 00:23:44,644 A/C begins in three... 622 00:23:44,669 --> 00:23:47,469 ... two... one. 623 00:23:56,189 --> 00:23:59,367 Should we be worried about that plume of CO2 gas? 624 00:23:59,392 --> 00:24:01,965 In my experience, nothing bad's ever happened 625 00:24:01,990 --> 00:24:03,756 involving the word "plume". 626 00:24:03,781 --> 00:24:04,862 _ 627 00:24:04,887 --> 00:24:06,887 You're watching a massive air-conditioning unit 628 00:24:06,912 --> 00:24:08,959 cool the White House as it shoots deadly gas 629 00:24:08,984 --> 00:24:10,078 - into the atmosphere. - _ 630 00:24:10,103 --> 00:24:13,202 Meanwhile, the average global temperature is already rising. 631 00:24:13,227 --> 00:24:14,239 Bad news day. 632 00:24:14,264 --> 00:24:16,123 But let's get to the important point. 633 00:24:16,148 --> 00:24:19,629 How will horses dying en masse affect the electoral horse race? 634 00:24:19,654 --> 00:24:22,557 Coming up, analysis from a former Reagan speechwriter. 635 00:24:22,582 --> 00:24:23,858 Oh, no. 636 00:24:23,883 --> 00:24:26,637 If it gets too hot, my tomato plants are done for. 637 00:24:26,662 --> 00:24:30,098 Alright, I'm gonna go stop that air conditioner. 638 00:24:30,123 --> 00:24:33,434 Give me some of your pomade so I can get past security. 639 00:24:33,459 --> 00:24:35,503 Bernie, you don't need that pomade. 640 00:24:35,528 --> 00:24:37,072 You've demonstrated that you can hang with 641 00:24:37,096 --> 00:24:39,851 the mainstream political class by hanging with me, 642 00:24:39,876 --> 00:24:41,809 a quarter billionaire whose religion 643 00:24:41,834 --> 00:24:43,588 was invented after baseball. 644 00:24:43,613 --> 00:24:44,646 You be yourself. 645 00:24:44,671 --> 00:24:46,236 I'll help you get through security. 646 00:24:48,005 --> 00:24:50,361 You know when the temperature is like, you're not sweating, 647 00:24:50,386 --> 00:24:51,746 but you're worried about sweating? 648 00:24:51,771 --> 00:24:53,497 Yeah, you want me to turn up the A/C? 649 00:24:53,522 --> 00:24:55,822 If you're getting up. 650 00:25:00,118 --> 00:25:02,219 Sick plume! 651 00:25:02,691 --> 00:25:04,523 Oh, hello, jackbooted pigs. 652 00:25:04,548 --> 00:25:06,882 I'm the 99% here to confront the President. 653 00:25:06,907 --> 00:25:09,093 Americans should have clean water for their bongs. 654 00:25:09,118 --> 00:25:11,759 Also, as is customary for a government moocher, 655 00:25:11,784 --> 00:25:13,016 I've pooped my pants. 656 00:25:13,041 --> 00:25:14,334 Isn't that Mitt Romney? 657 00:25:14,359 --> 00:25:15,759 That guy fired my uncle! 658 00:25:15,784 --> 00:25:17,133 Let's kick his ass! 659 00:25:17,236 --> 00:25:18,301 Ow, oh, ow! 660 00:25:18,326 --> 00:25:20,448 Your grandchildren will thank you for this, Mitt. 661 00:25:20,473 --> 00:25:22,782 All 84 of them. 662 00:25:22,952 --> 00:25:25,253 Brrr. It's getting a little chilly. 663 00:25:25,278 --> 00:25:27,517 Mind throwing another tire on the fire? 664 00:25:27,542 --> 00:25:29,861 We're out, so Styrofoam it is. 665 00:25:29,886 --> 00:25:31,798 Stop right there, mister! 666 00:25:31,823 --> 00:25:33,744 Ha! What do you want, Crazy Bernie? 667 00:25:33,769 --> 00:25:35,825 To leech off my air-conditioning unit? 668 00:25:35,850 --> 00:25:38,747 Maybe if you stopped looking for handouts, 669 00:25:38,772 --> 00:25:41,207 you'd work hard enough to get taxpayers to buy 670 00:25:41,232 --> 00:25:42,739 you a giant air-conditioner. 671 00:25:42,764 --> 00:25:45,116 Donald, you and I have a lot in common. 672 00:25:45,141 --> 00:25:47,737 We both support gun rights, our base would rather die 673 00:25:47,762 --> 00:25:49,495 than see a woman president, we both remember 674 00:25:49,520 --> 00:25:52,078 the jitterbug, but mainly we are outsiders 675 00:25:52,103 --> 00:25:53,857 who wound up in the mainstream. 676 00:25:53,882 --> 00:25:55,614 And it's been uncomfortable. 677 00:25:55,639 --> 00:25:59,505 But we can still pursue our goals while sticking 678 00:25:59,530 --> 00:26:01,120 to our outsider principles. 679 00:26:01,145 --> 00:26:04,266 How do I do that and still stop my sweating? 680 00:26:04,291 --> 00:26:07,865 Okay, hear me out. Mesh suits. 681 00:26:08,353 --> 00:26:09,719 Sorry, Bernie. 682 00:26:09,744 --> 00:26:11,318 This is just slightly easier for me, 683 00:26:11,343 --> 00:26:12,875 so it's kind of a no-brainer. 684 00:26:15,116 --> 00:26:17,817 Oh, it finished updating just in time. 685 00:26:17,842 --> 00:26:22,069 I'm gonna hack into the A/C and shut it down for good. 686 00:26:22,094 --> 00:26:24,882 Bernie, your laptop is glowing white hot. 687 00:26:24,907 --> 00:26:29,266 Do you know if a '94 ThinkPad can run on the X-P? 688 00:26:29,291 --> 00:26:30,924 She's gonna blow! 689 00:26:32,627 --> 00:26:35,428 ThinkPad, looks like you're going to be rebooting in Heaven, 690 00:26:35,453 --> 00:26:36,721 which is, of course, a made up place 691 00:26:36,745 --> 00:26:37,985 only an idiot would believe in. 692 00:26:49,668 --> 00:26:51,335 - Whoa! - Bernie, I'm mad 693 00:26:51,360 --> 00:26:54,438 you blew up my air conditioner, but I'm happy to finally see 694 00:26:54,463 --> 00:26:55,762 a mushroom cloud. 695 00:26:55,787 --> 00:26:57,909 And I'm happy that you've accelerated 696 00:26:57,934 --> 00:27:01,256 this country's decline so that a class revolution 697 00:27:01,281 --> 00:27:03,947 is basically a foregone conclusion. 698 00:27:03,972 --> 00:27:06,016 Aww, my face is beet red, 699 00:27:06,041 --> 00:27:08,796 and it's not just the Freon sizzling my skin. 700 00:27:08,821 --> 00:27:10,754 Dad, you're missing it! 701 00:27:11,083 --> 00:27:14,151 After Mass-Extinction-Gate, the President won't have 702 00:27:14,176 --> 00:27:16,981 the political capital necessary to solve the climate crisis. 703 00:27:17,006 --> 00:27:19,306 Meanwhile, Bernie Sanders is back at the front 704 00:27:19,331 --> 00:27:20,497 - of the Democratic pack. - _ 705 00:27:20,522 --> 00:27:23,802 I wonder if he's had time lately to watch the movie 706 00:27:23,827 --> 00:27:26,203 "The Social... The Socialism Network"? 707 00:27:26,228 --> 00:27:28,588 If I hadn't said it wrong, it would have gotten a big laugh. 708 00:27:29,998 --> 00:27:33,120 Aww. That Freon did a number on my throat. 709 00:27:33,145 --> 00:27:35,588 Should have never scraped off those lozenges. 710 00:27:35,613 --> 00:27:38,048 Bernie, that was amazing what ya did. 711 00:27:38,073 --> 00:27:39,283 - You're my hero. - We all agree you did good. 712 00:27:39,307 --> 00:27:41,194 - Nice job, fucko. - Why don't you come 713 00:27:41,219 --> 00:27:43,063 get plastered with us in Kamala's hotel room? 714 00:27:43,088 --> 00:27:44,955 I stole a prisoner's toilet wine. 715 00:27:47,115 --> 00:27:50,194 Thanks, guys, but I still got a few dozen more 716 00:27:50,219 --> 00:27:51,571 punch cards to go through. 717 00:27:51,596 --> 00:27:53,629 Now, let's see here. I've got an unused ticket 718 00:27:53,654 --> 00:27:56,733 to Staten Island Ferry, beer parlor two-for-one, 719 00:27:56,758 --> 00:28:00,690 Walter Matthau's business card, a half a dozen half dollars? 720 00:28:00,715 --> 00:28:02,133 That's why this thing's so heavy. 721 00:28:03,042 --> 00:28:06,063 The important thing is you tried to save the world 722 00:28:06,088 --> 00:28:07,421 for us, Dad. 723 00:28:07,446 --> 00:28:09,545 I don't care if you live or die, but thanks. 724 00:28:09,570 --> 00:28:11,866 Dad, you're not sweating like a hog anymore! 725 00:28:11,891 --> 00:28:14,106 - You did it! - I sure did, 726 00:28:14,131 --> 00:28:16,317 and all it took was blowing up half the White House 727 00:28:16,342 --> 00:28:17,997 to get this great cross-breeze going. 728 00:28:18,022 --> 00:28:19,054 Whew! 729 00:28:19,079 --> 00:28:21,410 Whoa! Shit ton of squirrels in here, Dad. 730 00:28:21,435 --> 00:28:22,535 Don't worry, Don. 731 00:28:22,560 --> 00:28:24,827 They'll be extinct in no time. 732 00:29:22,943 --> 00:29:24,175 Trump! 733 00:29:24,199 --> 00:29:29,199 - Synced and corrected by Firefly - - www.addic7ed.com - 55576

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