All language subtitles for Abbott.And.Costello.The.30.Foot.Bride.of.Candy.Rock.1959

Don't get discouraged.
You've been trying
awfully hard.

One of these fine days
you're gonna get it.

Max, can't you see it
in the headlines now?

"Artie Pinsetter,
scientific genius,

"discovers the power
from Dinosaur Canyon."

You know, Max, everybody,
they're all laughing
at us now,

but they also laughed
at Einstein and his
theory of relativity.

Now everybody's got relatives.

They also laughed at Marconi.

The same people
are sending telegrams.

And how about Benjamin Franklin?

They told him
to go fly a kite,
and he flied it.

What did he get?

Electricity.

One, two, three, and a half.

Excuse me, Max.

Mmm-hmm.

Now, we've worked together
for a long time,

but there's still
a lot of work to do.

There's no time for play.

We gotta work, work, work.

Now you stay out
of this, Corporal.

All right, Max, get ready.

Now tell me the theory
for changing time curves
in relation to space orbits.

Hmm?

You don't know?

Shame on you.

After all I've taught you
from the time we started
with one and one makes two,

and C-A-T spells cat.

I'm sorry, Max,
but that's a tough one.

But we'll get it.
We'll go out to
Dinosaur Canyon again today.

Oh-oh.

You need some new tubes.

Oh, Max, I better get going.

The people at Candy Rock,
they're depending on me
to clean this town up.

Come on, Corporal.
Get in the truck.

Attaboy!

Corporal, it's my turn
to drive today.

Now move over.
Come on.

Isn't it exciting, Steve?

Hi, Carol.
Well, hi, Artie.

What are they
doing in the bank?
Giving away free samples?

No. Mr. Rossiter
is going to be on
Bill Burton's TV show.

They're in there rehearsing.

All right, now,
Mr. Rossiter,

just saunter over
to the teller's window
and say what we discussed.

Uh, don't you announce me first?

All right.

Presenting the Bill Burton Show

and so forth
and so forth,
from Candy Rock.

The only
one-man town left
and so forth.

And that one man is
Mr. Raven Rossiter.
And that's your cue.

My friends, Uncle Raven
they call me in these parts.

Now this is my bank,
but I don't call it my bank

because I say it belongs
to all of my friends
in Candy Rock.

And I intend to run
the office of Governor
of this great state

just the way
I run this bank,
with a heart.

And if elected, I assure you...

Uh, no, no, please,
Mr. Rossiter.
Uh, no politics.

My running for Governor
isn't politics.
It's a public service.

Your opponent doesn't think so.

You give yourself
a plug on my show,
he'll want equal time.

Now see here, I don't see...

I agree with you, Bill.

It's about time
I called you Bill, eh?

And you call
me Uncle Raven just like
everybody else does, eh?

Isn't that right, Tommy, my boy?

Yes. Yes, sir.
Yeah.

Uncle Raven, sir?
Yes, son?

Is it all right
if I take Emmy Lou

to the campaign dance
tomorrow night?

Listen, errand boy,

you keep your hands
on the money and
off my niece, or I'll...

You let Uncle Raven
think about it, eh?

Pinsetter,
the bank is closed
for the day.

Even if I came here
to make a payment
on my truck?

Well, shucks, boy.

You know Uncle Raven
is always ready to do
a favor for a man.

Now, you know our policy.

Yeah, like give and take.

Yeah. Just make
your payment.

I said "if I came to make
a payment on my truck."
Which I can't make.

Would you mind
extending me
a little...

Credit? To Pinsetter
the rubbish collector?

Mr. Pinsetter.

We wanted an ordinary man
to talk about Mr. Rossiter.
An ordinary man's viewpoint.

Now we haven't been
able to find anybody

who can put into words
what they actually feel.

Now tell me, sir.
How do you feel
about Mr. Rossiter?

I can't stand compliments.

You get on
about your rubbish,
Pinsetter.

Come on, Corporal.

Uh, this Pinsetter...

Uh, well, let's get on
with the rest of
the rehearsal, shall we?

Now I go out the front door.

See, I've been
studying the script.

How's the business?

Fine.

How's the family?
Good to see you.

Oh, I tell you, Billy,
I don't want to sound
like I'm boasting,

but my being on your show
is going to give it a lift.
A real lift.

Pinsetter, you idiot,
get me down!

I'm sorry, Uncle Raven.

Oh, I'll skin
you alive. You...

Oh, I have to have
a sense of humor, you know.

I told you to get going.

Now get!

Hmm.

Now, Mr. Rossiter,
we'll walk down the street.
Uh, dolly with us, boys.

Let's go, Mr. Rossiter.

Hello, Jackie.

On your way, boy, on your way.

Just trying to be friendly.

Well, don't try.

Uh-huh.

Hiya, you all.
You surely do
sell nice cars

at your automobile
agency, Uncle Raven.

Is this your niece?

No, it is not my niece.
It's Jackie Delaney.

And did you use
your usual powers
of persuasion

to get the salesman
to let you take
this car out?

I'm good advertising, he said.

But you're not
advertising the car.
You take it right back.

Oh.

Is there any business
in this town you don't own?

Well, only
Artie Pinsetter's
rubbish business.

But then,
I'm a builder,
Mr. Burton.

I'm only interested
in what people buy,
not what they throw away.

And this next song
is dedicated to
Emmy Lou Rossiter

with love from anonymous.

Hi, anonymous.

Hiya, Paul.

What'll it be today?

Well, I'd like to get
a receiver selsyn
and a transmitter selsyn

and two 171 GL twos.

Make him pay cash.

Artie Pinsetter.

What are you doing
with all these radio parts
you've been buying?

I don't know.
It's a habit.

Uh, some people smoke.
I buy radio tubes.

That's ridiculous, boy.
Yeah.

How much money
has he spent on parts
in this last year?

$980, Mr. Rossiter,
and he still
owes us $9.12.

Mmm-hmm.

You see, my TV set
keeps breaking, and I
can't afford a new one.

And I put so much money
into parts that I can't
afford a real repairman.

So, I keep buying parts and
they keep burning out, sir.

Uncle Raven,
can't I have
these on credit?

Credit?

Oh, well, answer one
question about my niece,
my boy. Only one.

Then maybe
we can make some
credit arrangement.

Excuse us, please.

Oh, excuse us, please.

You have been
sneaking Emmy Lou
out on dates, haven't you?

Uh, well, I...

I don't know
how you got her out,

but you're the only one who did.

And I'll break you, boy!
Break you!
No more radio tubes.

Foreclose on your truck.
It's for your own good.
You can't afford a wife!

You're right, sir.
So right, sir.

I can't afford
a truck and radio tubes
and a wife, sir.

Not this day and age.
One of them
has got to go.

And furthermore...

Mr. Rossiter,
you like little people,
don't you?

Well, of course.
Yes, after all, any man
running for Governor...

Well, I'm little people.

So you are.
Insignificant.

Yeah. Insignificant.
I mean, after all,
I'm plain.

I'm ordinary, common.

Yeah, a nobody.

Yeah, I'm a nobody.

But the kind of a nobody
that would vote for you
for Governor.

Artie, get on about your job.

All right.

Oh, give this boy what he wants.

Huh? Oh-oh, thanks.

Here you are, Artie.

Thanks, Paul.
Thanks, Uncle Raven.
Thank you.

Ah, yes indeed, the little man.

I know the kind of show you do.

That's why I'm right for it.

A little man, such as myself,

challenging the inhuman,
unfeeling machine
of state politics.

Oh, glory to the little man!

Like Artie Pinsetter?

Too little.

Well, let's get on with it, huh?

We have a nice rehearsal,
I think, lined up.

And all the going to the bank
was a very good idea,

because it shows
the local activities.

Beep. Beep. Beep.
Beep. Beep. Beep.

Here he comes, Emmy Lou.

Now you know your uncle
doesn't want you
talking to him.

Oh, Auntie May. If he'd
only realize that Artie is
more than a rubbish collector.

He's a world famous...
A world famous scientist
who isn't famous yet.

Well, he is a scientist.
It's just that he's
kind of two people.

A split personality.

I wish you'd
tell Uncle Raven
what I said.

Once I told your uncle
what you said

and he said Artie Pinsetter
doesn't have enough
personality to split in two.

Some day.

Some day you'll be married
to a good and important man,
your Uncle Raven says.

Some day...
Some day I'm going
to break loose

and go crazy, insane,
out of my mind, some day.

Honey, he runs my life, too.

Now, now try to understand.

He may seem gruff and bossy,

but deep inside
there's another
Uncle Raven

who's sweet
and warm
and lovable.

Maybe you should have
married that one.

Mrs. Rossiter!

Hello, Arthur.

Hello, Mrs. Rossiter.
Uh, can I see her
for a minute?

It's not because
I don't like you, Arthur.

I know.
He's the one that's
keeping her from me.

Not you. You know,
all of us would be
nicer to each of us

if it wasn't for one of us.

Oh, Artie, be careful.
Don't knock over
those jars of jelly.

I won't.
I'm in enough jam already.

Well, keep out of that, too.

Oh, that boy.

Help yourself
to anything
you want, Artie.

Anything,
Mrs. Rossiter?

And this is home.
It was my grandfather's,
my father's and now mine.

Isn't everything?
What?

Isn't everything?

Oh. Oh.
I see what...

Yeah. Well, I lead
a very quiet life
with my darling niece,

and my wife and,
uh, these trees.

You know, folks around here
said they couldn't be raised,
but I fooled them.

I...
Excuse me, sir.

I'm sorry,
Mr. Rossiter.

What were you doing
inside the house?

I was taking a full barrel out
and left you an empty one.

Well, I don't like it.

Oh. All right.

The next time
I'll take an empty one
and leave you a full barrel.

What I mean is, from now on

the rubbish
will be left
outside for you.

Easier on you, my boy.

All right,
Mr. Rossiter.

Yeah.
I'll do that.

All right,
careful of the lawn.
I'm sorry.

And watch the tree.

Now look what you've done!
You bumped into the tree
with that...

Tough on the outside,
heart of gold.

Him?
No, me.

Well, uh, let's go and
meet my wife and niece.
They're lovely ladies.

Oh, marry me today, Artie.

Oh, honey, you know
I want to very much,

but what are we
going to live on?

We'd run away.

Run away?
The only thing I own
is this truck.

Which your uncle owns.

You're not afraid
of him, are you?

How about that bank manager?

Did he have courage
enough to take you out?

No, you did, Artie.

And how about
the school teacher
with all his education?

Did he ever take you out?

No, you did, Artie.

Just me.
Artie Pinsetter.
A nobody.

You're everybody to me, Artie.

But I'm nobody
to the Boosters Club.

Do you know they
turned me down again?

All those businessmen
are members,

and I'm the only one
that owns my own business,

even though your uncle
does own my truck.

Well, don't worry
about the Boosters,

and don't work
on that now, Artie.

Now, honey, if that
canyon starts cooking,
I gotta be ready for it.

Let's just be together for once.

We are together.
You and me.

And that thing.

Thing?

This maximum evaluator
is going to make us rich

when I can put
the secret energy into it.

You've got all
the secret energy.

Well, you see,
the hydrogen molecules

are forced between
tungsten electrodes,

in this case important symbols.

Symbols, sweet.

And if my estimate of
the temperature is accurate,
the melting point...

Melting point...

...is equally divided
between hydrogen
and helium,

and the explosions...

Explosions.

...lead to a
limitless amount of...

...of atomic power
from the middle
of the Earth

which comes to the surface
and changes structures
that come in contact with it.

And when Max and I get that,
I'll be an important man.

Artie, all you have to do
to be an important man

is to walk into any company
and tell them what you know.

The only thing I know
is what I read about science.

It's like there's a camera
in my head that photographs
any scientific thing I read.

Well, tell them.
Tell them straight out
like you tell me.

Oh, you're the only one
I can talk to.

I clam up inside
when I see that
they're laughing at me.

But, Artie,
how long can I wait
till we get married?

I'll explode!

Oh. Oh.

Then, uh, I better get to work.

I want you to
marry me now, Artie.

I don't care what
everybody else thinks.

I do.

Oh, Artie.

If you'd only say that
in front of a preacher.

To work. To work.
No play, to work.

In a minute.

Oh, and stop talking
to that silly machine.

It's not silly.

Work, work.
No marriage.

Work, work now.
Marriage later.

Marriage much later.
Maybe never.

You...
No marriage.

You monster!
No marriage.

No marriage.
I hate you.

No marriage.
You taught it
to say that!

No marriage.

No marriage.
Emmy Lou.
Don't go in there!

No marriage.
Emmy Lou!

Don't go in there!
No marriage.

No marriage.
No marriage.

No marriage.
No marriage.

No marriage.
No marriage.

Emmy Lou. I'm sorry.
Don't go in there!

Emmy Lou!
Don't go in there!

Help! Help!

Artie, something awful
is happening to me.

Stay away!
Stay away.

Max! Max!
You gotta help me.
We got to save Emmy Lou.

Oh, come on, Max, you're my pal.

Artie!
Come on.

Artie, what's happened?

Look at me!
No! No, don't!

Artie, I'm so big!

Well, stop staring
and get me
something to wear.

All right, all right.
I'll get you
something to wear.

Anything to cover me.
I'm hideous.

You're magnificent,
and you're mine,
all mine!

Artie Pinsetter,
don't you dare
tell anybody

about what's happened to me.

I won't, honey.

Max, how do I change her back?

E equals mc2.

I know. I know.
Now look.
This is a crisis.

Tell me, you dope!
What can I do
to change her back?

One and one are two.
Two and two are four.

Oh, that stupid machine.
I told you it was a waste!

Honey, don't blame Max.

I'm his teacher.
He's like me.

If you yell at him
he gets stupid.

One plus one is three.

Artie, do something,
anything. Save me!

Maybe I'll never stop growing.

Now be calm.

Now, sit down somewhere,
and I'll be right back.

Corporal! Oh, Corporal!
Where's that dog? Corporal!

Corporal, what I want
you to do
is watch Emmy Lou.

You watch her.
And, Max, I want
you to think. Think!

One and one is four.

Huh! He's thinking,
Emmy Lou. Think!

Figure it would give
kind of a homey touch...

Yes, that's fine.

I'll try to get everything in.

That's fine.
I'll be watching
on that side.

All right, we'll rehearse it.

Quiet, please!

Take it, Mr. Rossiter.

Uncle Raven.

Seen my glasses, May?
No.

Mr. Rossiter...
All right.

...you're hurting.

How did you
get her out?
Where is she?

I'll drive you out of town,
every town, every place.

Emmy Lou is big.
Big?

Real big.
And she's expecting...

Expecting? Emmy Lou?
You're lying!
It never showed!

It couldn't.
It just happened.

If this gets out
before the election
and my TV show...

Magruder!
Oh.

Emmy Lou.
Mmm-hmm.

With you of all people.
You tell anybody
and I'll murder you.

Magruder! Oh.

Yes, Mr. Rossiter.

I lost my glasses.

Oh. Come with me.

All right, Magruder,
you're a justice of the peace.
I want you to marry that,

whatever it is,
to my niece immediately.

And don't you dare
let this leak out.
Got it?

All right, Magruder
has his orders.

He'll look after my interests.

And if Burton
wasn't in town,
I'd tear you apart.

Now get out!
And no sign of you
until day after tomorrow.

No. I gotta have some money.
I got to buy her some things.

Oh.
Yeah.

Blackmail, too, eh?
Hmm.

All right, Magruder,
now remember,
you are a witness.

See?

There. Now.
Thank you.

Take him out.

Artie!

Artie! Artie!

Emmy Lou! Emmy Lou!

Emmy Lou!

Artie!

Mr. Magruder,
this way.

Oh, there you are.

Did you get me
something to wear?

Yeah, did I.

Here's a needle and thread.

And I got...
Wait till you see this.
You're gonna like this.

Scissors to make a dress.

You said you weren't
going to tell anybody
about me.

What's Mr. Magruder
doing there?

I'm here to marry you two.

Marry us?
Yes.

Marry us?
You mean Uncle Raven
gave his approval?

His approval?
It was an order.

An order?
I don't take orders
from anybody.

If I want to get married,
I'll get married

and nobody's
going to tell me
when to get married.

Emmy Lou, will you marry me?

Yes, Artie.
That's what I've been
saying all along.

But... But do you
want to marry me
as I am?

Any way you are, honey.
You'll always be
my little Emmy Lou.

Artie.

I should have a wedding dress.

You have.

You have.

A parachute?

Yeah, honey.
It's pure white silk,

and it'll make
a beautiful
wedding dress.

Are you ready,
Mr. Magruder?

Oh, yes, yes, yes.
Do you
take this woman, uh...

Over here,
Mr. Magruder.

I can't see
to read the ceremony
without my glasses.

Oh.
Don't need it.

Just a minute.
Turn it around.

I know it. I know it.
Now, do you take this woman,
Artie Pinsetter, to be your...

I do.

And do you, Emmy Lou,
take this man to be your...

I do.

And, now the ring.

Oh, the ring.
Uh, the ring.
We...

The ring.

Oh!

Quiet, Max.

Aren't you the best man?

And the best man
always gives the ring.

I'll have it
made smaller
for you, honey.

Okay, Mr. Magruder.

Then I pronounce you
man and wife.

Uh, do I get a kiss,
Mrs. Pinsetter?

Help! Help!
Point me towards town!

Here.

Mr. Magruder's
afraid of me.
Am I so terrible?

You're my wife.
You're beautiful.
I love you.

Artie.

Yes?

Do you still love me?

Oh, yes.

A lot?

From the tip of your toes

to the top of your head.

Sweetheart,

goodnight.

Darling,

goodnight.

Good morning, darling.

Good morning, sweetheart.
I was fixing you
a nice little big breakfast.

No! I'm your bride
and I'm going to cook
for my husband.

How do you want your eggs?
Fried or scrambled?

Any way that you
want to fix them.

Let me help.

No.

You think I don't know
how to fry an egg?

Oh!

I can't do anything right.

Now everything's ruined.

The coffee spilled
and the eggs all broken.

Oh, don't cry, honey.

We're just like
every honeymoon couple
that ever got married.

But I'm not like everybody else.

Even when I was little
I couldn't do anything right,
because they never let me.

Yes, Uncle Raven.
No, Uncle Raven.

I didn't touch your
trees, Uncle Raven.

I'm hungry.

Oh, whenever I get upset,
I get so hungry!

I'm starving.

Yeah.

I want jelly donuts,
French fries and milkshakes.
Lots of them.

I need them! I want them!
Now! Uncle Raven's
got to feed me now!

Uncle Raven won't feed anybody.

He's got to, or I'm going
to walk into town and I'm
going to get them myself.

I'll take care of you, dear.
I'll be back, dear.

Don't go away.

That's it!

Mr. Bates.

Well, Pinsetter. It won't
do you any good to apply
for the Boosters again.

I'm not here for that.

Well, maybe you've come
to apply for relief.

Yes, sir. How many
you got there?

One.
Oh, I'm going to need
a couple of hundred.

A couple of hundred?

Oh, my wife,
she eats more than
the average wife.

Your wife?
Yes.

You claim a wife
on your application
and that's perjury!

Oh, Mr. Bates,
Emmy Lou,
she's so hungry.

Raven Rossiter's Emmy Lou?

Yes, sir. Yes.

Well, this is
a matter for Raven,
not the Welfare Director.

I...
Come on, boy.
Get out of here, son.

I'm going to get me
more applications for...

Mmm-hmm.
Ah, good, good.
Yeah, yeah.

Ah, good.
Not a word of that girl
in the newspapers anywhere.

♪ Yo, ho, ho and an empty bottle ♪

♪ Yo, ho, ho ♪

Go and shut Magruder up!

Go down in the cellar
and give him
another bottle of wine.

Well, he's had
a dozen bottles
since yesterday.

Fine. I want him
so plastered

he'll have to join
AA one A at a time.

I want him happy and unconscious

until Burton leaves
after the television program.

Is that all you can think of?

Your program and your election?

No. I think of
my treacherous niece

sneaking off with
that no-good idiot
and getting herself bigger.

♪ Yo, ho, ho and an empty bottle ♪

Shut up, Magruder!

That's not Magruder.
That's the back door.

Emmy Lou...
She's your problem now.
All yours.

I don't have...
Your wife. Out.

Just a minute.
She was your niece
before she was my wife.

Go away before I throw you out.

Oh, Mr. Rossiter...

You gotta let me in
before you can
throw me out.

Oh, you!

I thought I told you to keep...

What do you want?

Well, he says
he's married
to your niece

and he's applied
for county relief
to feed her.

Well, that's what relief is for.

To feed the wives of men
who can't support them.

But he's got
enough blanks
to feed a giant.

Who told you?

Who told me what?

That Emmy Lou is 30 feet tall?

He's insane.

Of course, he's insane.

It's a figment of
his idiotic imagination.

Well, if you don't feed
my idiotic imagination

she's going to
come into town and
take what she wants.

♪ Yo, ho, ho
and an empty bottle ♪

Did you lie to me?
You told me she
was that way.

Oh, Uncle Rossiter!
Not that way. This way.

And I thought
Magruder was drunk.

Pinsetter, are you
telling me the truth?

Oh! What will this
do to my election?

Nothing. Unless
the voters think

that Emmy Lou
came from Mars,
uh, Uncle Raven, sir.

What?
What?

Everyone knows very well
where she came from.

Well, before she was
30 feet tall, they knew.

And maybe we all know.
Who'll believe us?

Well, I am not from Mars!

Ah, sure, Uncle Raven.
And you can prove it
to the voters,

even if you have
a niece who is
30 feet tall.

Well, this isn't
just my problem.

If she comes to town,
I'll be ruined,
Brother Bates.

And if I am ruined,
I'll ruin every
Brother Booster in town.

You call a secret meeting
of the Boosters immediately.

Oh.

Oh, May,
it's good to have
you standing by me.

Oh, you!

Better not take any, Joe.

There are
200 dozen donuts here.
They're gonna miss one?

Raven's gonna count them?

You don't know Raven Rossiter.

Remember when
those cigarettes came out
with 20,000 filter traps?

Mmm-hmm.
Raven counted them.

I've been in
the meat business
for 20 years,

but this is the first time
I've ever had to make
a 90 pound hot dog.

What are you
complaining about?
I had to get the bun.

So when he called up and
said he wanted 60 gallons
of chocolate milkshake,

it didn't bother me at all.

But I got a little
nervous when he said,

"Make sure you put in
a straw five foot long."

Say, if she's 30 feet tall,

her head must be six feet long.

Then she would...

Wow!

Take the detour, please.

War games. This is
a restricted area.

Thank you, Mr. Bates,
and Mr. Johnson,
and Mr. Adams.

You're welcome,
Emmy Lou.
Okay. Anytime.

Emmy Lou?

Yes, dear?

Uncle Raven
gave us a house
for a wedding present.

Gave us? Where?

The old barn.
You know, 10 miles on
the other side of town.

A barn!

How could he do that?

Well, I won't go.
We'll live at your
place, Artie.

Are you laughing
at me, Mr. Bates?

No, ma'am. No, Emmy Lou.
No, I never laugh. Never.

Don't believe in laughter.

Now, it's not our doing.
We just want you to go out
to that trailer truck

so we can take you over
to the barn. Uh, I mean,
the honeymoon cottage.

A trailer truck.

I will not be made a fool of!
Like moving an elephant!

Like I was a hippopotamus
in a circus!

I won't be made
a laughing stock.

But your uncle said
you've got to do it.

He said,
"Tell that girl,
or else!"

Or else what?

Well, "or else."

Now, everybody knows
what Raven Rossiter's
"or else" means.

Well, what about
my feelings?
What about me?

Why always him?
Why? Why? Why?

Emmy Lou, uh,
we'll have to
be realistic.

Do it for me.

I mean, I can't afford
to build the kind of
house that we'd need.

Sergeant! Get that
lead driver back here.

Sarge! You wouldn't
believe it. You wouldn't
believe it if I told you.

Oh, Lord,
get me there by sundown,

and please don't
let the Pentagon
find out about this.

Yucca, Yucca,
from Blue Army Command.

We are delayed
due to complete
mechanical failure.

Cannot join
Division as planned.
Delay advance.

Artie.

She's all set.

Are you all right, Emmy Lou?

Hmm, it's a little warm,
but I'm okay.

Corporal, get into the truck.

Are you all right, Emmy?

Hmm, I'm all right.

Come here, Corporal.

Corporal,
I thought I told you
to get into the truck.

Now that was me talking.

That was me talking.

Now, listen, Corporal.
Now you listen to me.
You keep your mouth shut.

Now, come on, Max.
Now we got to get
into the car.

Come on, Corporal.

Come on, Corporal.

Goodbye, Mr. Bates,
and thanks.

Uh, goodbye, Pinsetter.
I hope you'll both
be very happy.

And may all your
troubles be big ones.

It isn't much, but it's home.

It isn't exactly what I dreamed

the first day
of married life
would be like.

Oh, honey,
tears in the morning
and laughter in the evening.

I cried last night,
and I cried this morning,
and I'm gonna cry now.

What does
my little bride want?
What can I do?

I want a shower.
I always feel better
after a shower.

A shower?

Shower.

Oh, boy.

Reconnaissance to convoy.
Recon to convoy.

You seem to have lost
contact with your
two wing divisions, sir.

Shall I lead you
through a short cut?

Carry on, Rainbow.

Off road, across field...

You like it, Emmy Lou?

Artie!

Artie! I think
I'm growing again.

Oh, no! No!

Don't grow!

Don't grow!

Don't grow!

Raincon to Blubow.

Uh, Blubow Blubow to Rainbow.

Uh, lead car, left, uh, left.

Giants! Giants!

Giants?

Uh, no, no, no.
Right, right, right.

Left... Right, uh, left.

Over and under and out.

Over and out. Out.

Yucca Yucca from
Commander Convoy Blue.

Convoy Blue unable
to make maneuvers.

Advise Pentagon
cancel war games.
Over and out.

Out, out, out.

Quiet, gentlemen.
Quiet, please.

We have Yucca Yucca, sir.
They're still trying
to reach Convoy Blue. Wait.

Stand by, sir.
We're through, sir,
to Convoy Blue Command.

Hello, Convoy Command.
Lovely day, isn't it?

Sun shining, birds singing.

Too nice out to play
nasty old war games,
isn't it?

What happened?

Sergeant,
tell 'em what happened.

Yes, sir.

Sir, it was like this, see...

I was coming around a curve
and there it was
up on top of the ridge.

There it was, that monster.

I've never seen anything
like this in my life.

It was a monster.
Easily 40 or 50... I just...
It was the biggest...

You never saw,
120 feet and two inches.

The whole thing
was way up in the sky,

and it was... I don't know,
if it was a girl.
It looked like a little girl,

but if it was,
it was a pretty...

But I got so scared
I was panicky.
I didn't know what to do.

And this monster was tremendous.

I jammed the brakes
of the car and all of the cars
rolled into it.

It was the most tremendous
I've ever seen.

And all of a sudden,
as I put my brakes on,

I don't remember
anything much except
the monster disappeared.

That's right, sir.
Incredible as it seems.

Our Recon pilot disappeared
as he kept saying,
"Giant, giant!"

Oh, this is a strange
country out here, sir.

If anything, the Sergeant
was being conservative
about the monster's size.

Hmm.

Can't rule out
invasion from space.

All right,
all orders top secret.

Desert area within a 100 mile
radius of Candy Rock
on attack alert.

Do not alarm
civilian population.
Panic must be averted.

Mission, be on lookout
for monster in human form.

Order to attack,
open fire at sight.

Well,
now that you've met
them all, Mr. Burton,

we can conclude
the interview
with our Boosters.

Benevolent, philanthropic,
charity for all,
kindnesses for many.

Uh, of which I am President.

And founder.

Yes and founder.
Yes.

Now, surely,
you can use
all of them...

Business.
I got to
talk business.

...as a kind of a windup
of the civic...

I got to talk business.

Uncle Raven,
I got to talk business.
Come on, quick, please.

This is business.
Big business.

And it's getting bigger
all the time.

Go away.

You'll never recognize her.
She's growing so big.

"Grown," not "growing."

Growing and you may
never see her again.

And when I say you may
never see her again,
I mean she's gone!

Clear out! Way out!

Idiot. Nobody grows
over 30 feet tall!

Nobody except my wife,
your niece.

She made 30, was trying for 40.

By this time
she may be hitting 50.

I don't believe you.

Oh, I never should
have watered her.

You're lying, aren't you?

I wish I was.

Then you're insane!

I wish I was.
I'll go get her and you
can see for yourself.

No! No!
Keep her there.

Do anything to keep her there.

'Cause if you don't,
you know what I'll do?

I'll...

I'll make you a Booster!

Me?

A Booster?

Uncle Raven!

I'm going to be a Booster,
Mr. Burton.

It's nothing, Pinsetter.

Nothing?
Oh, boy, wait till
Emmy Lou hears this.

A Booster! A Booster!
Yes. Come on.

Boost, Boost, Boosters!

Who's a Candy Rock Booster?

We're the Boost,
Boost, Boosters!

Good.

And so is Artie Pinsetter!

Initiate him now!

Why does this man
run in and out?

And why do you
look so worried
every time he does?

Me, worried? Never?
I said now!

Boost, Boost, Booster!

That's me.
That's me.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Put him down.
I want to talk to him.

Not now.
I'm gonna be initiated.

And every little Booster
needs a big boost in life.

And what better
going away present
than the one I've got.

Going away?
I just got here.
Where am I going?

Outside. Outside.

Booster! Booster!

I've got something
for you, my boy.

My new car,
which is my wedding gift

to the newest Booster
in Candy Rock.

Mr. Pinsetter!

Mr. Pinsetter,
I'd like to ask you
some questions.

I come from poor
but humble parents.

I am the son of a nobody,
a long line of nobodys.

Except today I am somebody.

You're so right.
Take it away.

For me?
For you.

Thank you, Uncle Raven.

Oh, boy. Oh.

Now, just step on the gas
and bon voyage!

Oh. So long,
Brother Boosters!

Bye-bye.

Great Booster. Ha-ha!
That boy's going places.

He's gone.

What? Oh, yes.
Well, now to more
important matters.

We'll be on the air
before you know it.

I want to be sure
that I have all my lines.

Artie!
Artie, wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Artie!

What's the matter with you?

What are you doing
with Uncle Raven's car?

Uncle Raven gave
me the car. It's mine.
I was made a Booster.

Oh, come on, honey.
Let me drive it.

Come on, come on.
Please, Jackie,
I'm in a hurry.

Oh, so am I.

Now, come on, get out of my car.

No. I want to drive it.

No, I gotta drive.
Come on.

Wait for me!
Wait for me!

Oh, did you hurt yourself?

No! Now get out
of the car.

Where can I drive you?

To the old barn.

The old barn?
What did I say?

Oh, Artie,
you little devil, you.

Jackie.

Little ol' me
isn't too much woman
for little ol' you, is she?

Lady,

if you were triplets, you
wouldn't know what too much
woman is for little ol' me.

Oh!

Artie!

Now, come on,
you got to go home.
Go home.

But, honey, we just got here.

Oh, please, will you go.

Oh, Artie.

Jackie!
You keep away
from my husband!

You stay away from me,
Artie Pinsetter.

Artie Pinsetter,
how dare you
bring that woman

right into your own home
and make love to her!

Ah, honey, let me explain.

Uncle Raven gave us this car
for a wedding present,

and, honey,
he made me a Booster.

See?

I see a lot of things.

Here we've been married
less than one day

and you're already
chasing out after
other women.

No. No, honey.
I wasn't chasing her.

She was chasing me.

Well, you didn't run
very fast or very far.

Be a Booster, big shot.
You're just like
all the rest of 'em.

Ride around in a convertible!

Shh, honey.
Don't talk so loud.

They'll hear your voice in town.

I will not hold my voice down.

I kept my voice down too long.

Yes, sir, Uncle Raven, sir.
Yes, sir. Yes, sir!

Well, people will...

People in town will
get frightened, honey.

People in town! Ha!

I don't care that much
about people in town.

And I'll bet Uncle Raven
doesn't want Mr. Burton
to find out about me, either.

'Cause if he does,
there'll be no
program on TV.

No Governor's mansion
for Uncle Raven.

Now you listen to me.

I am your husband
and I want you
to listen to me,

'cause it's for your own good.

For my own good.

I know what's for my own good,

and I don't need
any unfaithful husband
to tell me.

From now on it's
goodbye Emmy Lou
and hello me.

I'm me!
And I'm a lot of woman.

Hello, Candy Rock!
Hello, Mr. Burton!

Emmy Lou! Emmy Lou!

Max the Machine, myself,
and Dinosaur Springs
are your only hope!

Stay here!

Emmy Lou!

Emmy Lou!

You'll be sorry.
You'll be sorry.

Emmy Lou, she's a giant!

She tried to kill me!

Oh, Emmy Lou wouldn't do that.

Where's Mr. Bill Burton?

Is Mr. Burton down there
in that little pack
of little men?

Does he want to put me
on his TV show?

I'd be the biggest guest
he ever had.

Now you listen to me, Emmy Lou.

Cool off, Uncle Raven.

Times have changed.

How dare you speak to me
that way! I said...

And I said cool off!

Oh! Emmy Lou,
you big, big...

Call the Army!

Rossiter's out!
That girl's our show!

I'm going home!

Auntie May!

Halt.

Flying saucers!

Flying...
This is it! Look.

Auntie May!

Auntie May!

Oh, my baby,
my sweet baby.
How you've grown.

They're after me, Auntie May.
They think I'm a monster.

Monster.
Why, who does?

Now don't you sass me, girl.

Big or little
I'm still your uncle,

and what I say goes
now and forever.

Stop ordering me!

I can't stand orders anymore.

And get your big,
clumsy hands
off of my tree!

Down with your trees!

Everybody for themselves!

Get her before she gets us!

Look out for the trees!

Run for your life,
Emmy! Run!

Look at...
Look at my trees.
My poor trees.

I've been trying to
raise those for months.

I don't know what
I'll do without trees.

Even if she begs me,

I won't go back.

No, I won't.

I won't go back.

Yes, I will.

Max, you got to help me.

Two and two are eight.

You don't have any feelings.
You don't know
what it is to be in love.

Two and two are six.

There it is.

Give me the phone.

Target sighted.
Target sighted.

Prepare for firing.

Notify the Pentagon
and please spell
my name right.

G-R-I-F-F-I-N.

And give me Oxford 29310.

Hello, Mom.
Maybe I'll be back...

Oh, Max, come on,
we're brothers.

We're closer than brothers.

You gotta help me.

Two and two are four!

You're getting there.

Emmy Lou!

Emmy Lou!

Artie, darling.

Artie.

What happened in town?

Never mind.
You don't have
to tell me.

I don't want to know.

You were right, Artie.
I should have
listened to you.

Then from now on
you take orders from me,
you understand?

Me, your husband!
I'm the boss!

Yes, dear.

But save me, Artie.

I'll save you.

You'll become smaller
because structures
of cells enlarged

are capable of...

Your uncle must have
changed his mind
about our wedding.

It's the Army, Artie!

The Army?

What have they got
against marriage?

It's not that.

They must think
I'm a monster
from another planet!

It's war!

Artie, we'll be killed.

Got to stop 'em.

Another guided missile!

Max, I really need you now.

Look!

A misguided missile.

Oh, Max!
You're really working now.

Only a Martian can do that!

A Martian? A Martian?

Attaboy, Max.
You're getting
your power back.

My husband.

Love me?
We haven't even
met yet!

Sir, maybe that's the way
they surrender on Mars.

Well, we can't afford
to take any chances.

Give me the field phone.
Fire another missile!

Oh, they'll hear from me
at Cape Canaveral!

The enemy is better
at scientific warfare,
but we've still got guts!

Charge!

It's too quiet.
You take a look.

They're charging
with guns in their hands.

With guns in their hands.

This is your hour.
Utilize the time
curve principle.

Inherent translucence
of cell structures.

Individual gravitational
magnetic fields.

Two way radio controls
and the antennas...

Antennas!

Emmy Lou, give me
your wedding ring.

My wedding ring?

Never!

Now, look.

Don't argue with me.
I mean, I'm gonna
save your life.

I'm in charge.
Max needs his antenna.

Now, now give me your ring.

I'll talk to them.
They might listen to me.

What I want you to do
is stay hidden
in case they don't.

Now stay quiet.
I'll be back.

All right, men,
all right, this is it.

She's got giant insects
watching us.
It's from outer space.

Prepare to fire bazooka!

Get trajectory!

Ready on the rocket!

Fire!

Reload.

I can explain everything.

Fire.

Listen, Emmy Lou and me,
or I... Uh...

We love you.

Listen. We would like
to surrender politely.

I think they want
to give up, sir.

Now how would that look
in the papers?

"General Griffin accepts
surrender from a mosquito."

Keep firing.

Fire!

We would...

Charge!

Artie to Max.
Artie to Max.

What's wrong, Shorty?

Get their bazookas away!

Operate on a
time curve dimension.
Fourth dimension.

Past or future?

Past! No bazookas!

The past.

Halt.

Men, for the honor
of the Confederacy,
advance, you all!

No, no, no, Max!
Don't let 'em
draw their sabers.

Somebody'll get hurt.
Go back in time. Go back!

Halt.

Max! Max!

Listen, men, I say,
let's have a go at him.

Carry on, chaps.

Oh, Max!

Max, what's the
matter with you?
No weapons at all.

Oh.

No weapons at all.

Max, you've thrown me
a time curve.

You're getting mixed up.

Will you... Would...

No, no, Max...
Take me back
to the present.

To present!
We've got to
take to the air.

Three, two, one...

Max!

Max! You're going too high.

Straighten me out!
Straighten me out!

Max, you're coming down
too fast!

Max! The earth is
coming closer!

Hey, take me to your leader.

Fire!

Ow!

Max, will you
tell these guys
they got their limit.

Attaboy, Max.
You got plenty
of power now.

You almost killed me, Max.

You almost killed me.
Me, Max.

Never.
We've got the power, Max.

We're a success.

Artie, are you all right?

Emmy Lou,
everything's going
to be all right.

Everything.
Come on now, Max.

Come on.
Use that power
on Emmy Lou.

Come on, think.

Artie!

Artie, something's happening!

It's working.

Emmy Lou, wait for me.

Emmy Lou!

Hold it, men.

We've got him boxed
in that canyon.

General, sir, as long as
we've seen the missile,

it's a human missile, a monster.

What do you
want to chase him for?

Let the reformers go back.
It's silly.

We've seen him.
We don't have to go
back again.

Charge!

Charge.
Oh, boy, charge.
I'm charging.

Emmy!

Emmy!

Help! I'm shrinking.
I'm...

Emmy! Emmy! Emmy!

Emmy! Emmy Lou!

Emmy Lou!

No! No! No!

Emmy, where are you?

Emmy Lou. Ooh!

Incredible.

Emmy, I don't want to
hurt you, sweetheart.

Emmy, say something.
Please, Emmy.

Martian, you're under arrest!

I beg your pardon?

Oh, you speak our language!

Of course.
I'm an American.

Where's the giant girl?

The giant girl?

Yes, the giant girl.
The 40-foot high giant
girl from Mars.

Are you kidding?

I most certainly am not.
I saw her.

I saw her with my own two eyes.

I'm Artie Pinsetter,
the rubbish collector.

Nah, but there was a giant girl.

Uh, from Mars?

You're lying to me!

Oh, no.

I mean... I mean, after all,
where would a giant girl
40-feet tall be?

Where would I hide her?

No, but you...
She was... Us.

General...

What am I going to
tell the Pentagon?

I don't know.

I won't tell them anything.
I'll just send my uniform back
in the morning.

Here.
Oh!

Where is she?
I want her
on my show.

My niece. Kidnapper,
where's my niece?

If you're referring
to my wife,
it's none of your business.

I'll take away the car!
I'll throw you
out of the Boosters.

Who cares? Who cares?
What you think about me
isn't important.

I'm not what anybody
thinks about me.

I'm only what
I think about myself.

You're Artie Pinsetter,
the rubbish collector.

I am Mr. Pinsetter,
scientist!

We would... Excuse me.

Max and I, we have
the right and the power
to change time and space.

Nonsense!

That's impossible!

But true.

That machine goes
right to the Pentagon.

And you go
right on my
television show.

We're on in a half hour.

Uh, what about me?

You'll be on because
Artie Pinsetter knows you.

Come along now.

I can't.
Unfinished business.

You run along and I'll make it.

Right, men.
The machine.

Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup!

Okay.

My boy.

Mr. Burton!
Mr. Burton,
wait for me.

Emmy Lou?
Emmy Lou, I'm free.

Emmy Lou, I'm free.
I can talk science.

I can talk science to anybody.

Oh, Emmy.
Where are you, Emmy?

I don't want you
to smother, Emmy.

If Max was only here.

Max is here.

Artie, I'm growing again!

Emmy! Emmy Lou!
Emmy Lou!

Emmy! Emmy!

Emmy, stop growing.

I have stopped growing,
Artie. I'm immune.

Thanks to Max the Machine.

I heard what you told
Uncle Raven.

My husband's a genius.

You're still my husband,
aren't you?

I'll always be.

Honey, from now on,
all our big problems
are behind us.

Corporal!