Original subtitles

(inspiring music)

- [Female] 30 seconds.

20 seconds.

10 seconds.

(beeping)

- We have in the studio tonight,

Mr. Emmanuel Whitbread,

Britain's leading transplant surgeon

who's here to tell us something

of his own particular field of miracle medicine.

Mr. Whitbread, when can we expect

the first brain transplant?

- Oh, I don't know anything about the brain.

I've been working on the other extremity.

- [Interviewer] The feet?

- The p(bleeP)-

- Oh, you mean the male organ?

- One usually does mean the male organ

when one refers to the (bleep)

as opposed to the female organ

which is known as the (bleep).

- And you've been working on a method of?

- I've perfected a method of transplanting the (bleep)

from one man to another.

The technique is there.

All I need is to find a man who has lost his (bleep)

and a spare (bleep) to transplant in its place.

(beeping)

- I'm sorry, Mr. Whitbread,

but I did tell you it was a family show.

- Mr. Shelley, if your view prevails,

there will be no (bleep) families

to watch your (bleep) show.

What do you expect me to call the fucking thing?

- My nanny used to call it Percy.

(gentle music)

J' Man made the buildings that reach for the sky J'

J'And man made the motorcar and learned how to drive J'

J' He didn't make the flowers J'

J'And he didn't make the trees J'

J'And he didn't make you J'

J'And he didn't make me J'

J'And he's got no right J'

J' To turn us into machines J'

J' No, he's got no right at all J'

J' 'Cause we are all God's children J'

J' And they got no right to change us J'

J' Oh we got to go back J'

J' The way the good Lord made us all J'

J' I don't want this world to change me J'

J' I want to go back the way the good Lord made me J'

J' Same lungs he gave me to breathe in J'

J' Same eyes he gave me to see him J'

J' Oh, the rich man, poor man J'

J' The saint and the sinner J'

J' The wise man, the simpleton J'

J' The loser and the winner J'

J' We are all the same to him J'

J' Stripped of our clothes and all the things we own J'

J' The clay that we are gone J'

J' We are all God's children J'

J' And they got no right to change us J'

J' Oh, we got to go back J'

J' To the way the good Lord made J'

J' Oh, the good Lord made us all J'

J'And we are all his children J'

J' And they got no right to change us J'

J' Oh, we got to go back J'

J' The way the good Lord made us all J'

J' Yeah we got to go back J'

J' The way the good Lord made J'

J'UsallJ'

(banging on door)

- Oh my God, that is my husband's knock.

I'd know it anywhere.

My God, what are we going to do?

Is that you, Charles, dear?

- [Charles] Yes, it is.

- I thought so.

What are we going to do?

Sweetheart, I'm just having a little lie down.

That's right, that's what I'm having.

- [Charles] Helga, open the door!

- Do something, come on.

- [Male] I'll hide on the balcony.

- [Charles] Helga!

- [Helga] Hurry!

- [Charles] Open the door, Helga!

- I'm coming, darling.

We haven't got a balcony.

- [Charles] Damn it, I thought I was in Muriel's place.

" No!

- Hey!

(cars crashing)

- He's unclothed.

- [Male] He's dead as muck.

- [Female] He's still unclothed.

- [Male] Yeah, that one's alive.

- He'll wish he wasn't.

(siren blaring) (dramatic music)

- Better give 'em a red alert.

Tell 'em we've got Percy back here.

- [Eric] Eric Idle Ill to septic.

Herald, do you read me?

- We read you, Eric Idle Ill.

Come in, over.

- [Eric] Percy located!

Percy located!

Repeat, Percy located and in transit.

- Yes, your rabbit's foot has brought some luck.

- Eric Idle III,

please comply with brief

and state whether subject is Percy plus or Percy minus,

over.

- It's a classic double septic, Herald,

plug and socket.

Repeat,

plug and socket. - Your message received,

Eric Idle III.

We aren't deaf entirely, out.

I wonder what we'll do with this old one.

(girls giggling)

- Make a change from a rabbit's foot, wouldn't it?

(girls giggling)

- Please girls, I'll have to plug into Professor Whitbread.

(girls giggling)

Professor Whitbread, please.

(whistling)

(phone beeping)

- Miss Elder here.

Yes?

And you say?

Thank you, Pat.

(victorious music)

(phone beeping)

- Whitbread here.

- [Miss Elder] Hello sir.

- Yes, Miss Elder?

- [Miss Elder] Percy is on his way.

They've got two and they're a matching pair.

- They haven't?

- [Miss Elder] Yes, plus and minus.

- Miss Elder, I'm about to sew my way into history.

- [Miss Elder] Good luck, sir.

(victorious music)

- Good afternoon, mister?

- Anthony, Edwin Anthony.

- A bit of an accident, have we?

- I was carrying a chandelier.

- Just relax, Mr. Anthony

we're gonna make a new man of you.

Try to think of something pleasant, that helps.

Try the little woman.

Not her, man, your wife.

(gentle music)

- Hazel?

- Sorry darling, I can't stop.

I'm in a tearing hurry.

(gentle music)

- [Edwin] Can I help you?

- Is everything for sale?

- Just the furniture.

- And what about the (speaking in foreign language)?

- Furniture embraces (speaking in foreign language).

- How very cozy.

What would you say the chandelier is worth?

- To me, priceless, market value 400.

- Dollars?

- Pounds, Jeremy Skrow.

- And who is Mr. Skrow?

- Chandelier maker to George IV.

- It's very well hung.

$400, you said?

- Pounds.

(engine roaring)

- Hello squire, you all right?

Still flogging nation's heritage

to the colonies, I see.

Yes.

Hazel's upstairs, is she?

- For pounds, I shall want it delivered personally.

- Of course.

- My address.

I'm just round the corner.

I just can't wait to tinkle it.

(mysterious music)

(laughing)

- Yes.

(laughing)

I like that.

(purring)

- Oh, hello.

We were just leaving.

Will you be all right?

- Where will you stay in Athens?

- Well, we don't know yet, but I'll phone you.

Are you ready, James?

- Yeah, you're right, that is very pretty.

What a pity I'm married.

- Why should that stop you?

- James, would you mind taking the cases down

and I'll join you in a minute?

- Yeah, of course.

I'll see you then, squire.

- Hazel, how long will you be away?

- What sort of a vicious remark was that?

And do you have to embarrass me in front of James?

I go filming for a few weeks

and you get jealous and throw a moody.

- You're my wife, aren't you?

- Do you imagine I'm going to enjoy myself

stuck in some tatty hotel in the middle of Athens?

- You've managed perfectly well in the past.

- I've had that night dress for two years

only you've never bothered to notice it.

- Really?

- Yes, really.

- Will you ring me?

- Yes, you don't deserve it.

(sad music)

(whimsical music)

(beeping)

- Ah, you're awake.

How do you feel, no pain?

- No.

Where am I?

What have you done to me?

Oh my God, you've cut off my legs.

- Ah not at all.

There's nothing missing.

Quite the opposite.

- I don't believe you.

- Do you feel that?

- Yes.

- And that?

- Yes.

- And that?

- No, I didn't feel anything.

What did you touch?

What did you touch?

- You're a bit numb at the moment.

It'll be better when the anesthetic wears off.

Now the screen's only there

to stop you from touching your dressings.

- But, but, what did you mean just now,

quite the opposite?

- Your surgeon will have a little surprise for you

in the morning.

Oh, but it's good news, Mr. Anthony,

take my word for it.

The operation was a great success.

We just want to wait a few hours

and see how it stands up in the light of clay.

(victorious music)

- Good morning, Mr. Anthony.

- Morning.

- In the pink are we?

Splendid.

(dramatic happy music)

Well time to open the Book of Revelations.

Sharp things, chandeliers.

- How long?

" Huh?

- How long have I got?

I don't really mind, I just want to know how long?

- Young man, we mustn't be greedy.

Length isn't all that important.

- It is to me.

- No, no, no, no, that's a fallacy.

You ask any sexologist

and in any case, I think you'll find,

that we have, as the saying goes, done you proud.

Particularly as this is the first transplant of its kind.

You and I, Mr. Anthony,

have made history.

- Transplant?

- No, not your heart, nothing so trite.

You aren't even lukewarm.

- Lungs, liver, kidneys?

- Getting warmer.

- Well if it's none of those,

what else is there?

(dramatic music)

Not?

- Exactly.

What television would call your beep beep.

You represent a great triumph for surgery, Mr. Anthony.

You're the first,

the only man on this planet with someone else's.

- I wrote to Judith,

told her about you and me.

Said not to expect me home.

- You wrote to her?

- Mmm.

Well, she gets a bit neurotic, you know?

If I told her to her face, she might cause a rile.

- When did you write?

- Sunday.

- Then she has it by now?

- Not necessarily.

- Oh.

- I thought I'd wait until you told Edwin.

Ladies first.

- Not in adultery.

You don't trust me.

- I adore you.

If we can't live together, I think,

I think I'll die.

But if I tell Judith

and then you go and change your mind,

I'm gonna look a right nit.

- What if I tell Edwin,

and then you change your mind?

You don't know him.

He'll go on and on about it

like a vegetarian complaining someone had pinched his steak.

- Caviar, darling.

(giggling)

What are we gonna do then?

- Well we don't want to feel we can't trust each other.

I know.

- What?

- You tell Edwin.

" Me?

Oh no.

- And I'll post your letter to Julie.

That way we don't have to trust each other.

- What a clever little girl you are.

- It's a bloody liberty.

Do you realize Sister Flanagan,

they've not only infringed Magna Carta,

but most of the 10 commandments as well?

- Without one of those little things,

you can't break the best ones.

- Do you know?

- Know what, Mr. Anthony?

- Who's it was?

I've been here two weeks now

but no one will tell me.

- Afraid not.

No one outside Mr. Whitbread's team knows that.

- Now that is a secret, Mr. Anthony,

even from you.

We've decided to use the same principle

as in the adoption of a child.

No one is to know where the little mite has come from.

Let us merely regard it as a penis from heaven.

(laughing)

In due course, a statement will be released to the press

regarding the nature of the operation.

Now your name will not be mentioned,

nor will the donor's.

- Well what's my wife going to say?

I mean suppose she notices.

- I would've thought she was bound to notice.

- Yes, of course.

Hazel doesn't miss much, you know?

Apart from which she has an excellent memory.

- I'm sure she'll take to the little fellow in no time.

- I've got to take to it first.

I mean supposing I don't like it,

can I exchange it?

- Mr. Anthony, we are a hospital, not a boutique.

I hope you won't take this personally,

but the staff have given it a name,

something well perhaps a little prosaic.

- Go on, I can stand it.

- Percy.

- Look, it's notjust there

for the sake of appearances, is it?

I mean it does work?

- Oh, most certainly.

Oh it's been thoroughly overhauled.

- Perhaps you let me see it sometime.

- That's right.

I booked it person to person,

to Edwin Anthony, that's it.

Yes, I'll hold.

Here you are.

- Ah no, I'm not gonna tell him.

- Coward.

- I just couldn't do it.

- Is that the way you keep a bargain?

And after I posted that letter to your wife?

- You what?

- This morning.

I've got rid of your wife for you.

Now it's your turn.

- You.

- Yes?

- [Female] I'm putting you through now.

- Hello?

- Hello, hello squire.

- Oh, it's you.

- Yeah.

Listen squire,

look, I'm sorry to be the bearer of sad tidings,

but Hazel and I are going away together.

Yeah I don't mean working this time.

I mean forever.

She asked me to tell you.

- Is Hazel there?

- Yes, she is.

- Well I think you better put her on, don't you?

- Certainly.

- Edwin, look I am sorry,

but God knows I've tried.

I just can't put up with it any longer.

You work, you sleep,

and when you do talk, you say nothing.

It's too much.

And all the time, your horrible suspicions

about me and James.

- Seem to be true.

Where are you going with him?

- Sardinia for a while anyway.

Can he afford to keep you?

- Oh, didn't I tell you?

He's just got a major film.

I'll be having a few personal things collected.

The removal van will call for them.

- Hazel, I'm going to tell you something.

Might make a difference.

- [Female] I'm afraid your time is up.

I will have to cut you off.

- Listen, I've had a transplant,

a very successful one.

- Hello? - Hello? Hello?

- What did you say?

Hello?

Hello?

- Hello?

- Hello?

Hello?

It was a terrible line,

I couldn't hear a word he said.

- Oh.

- Anyway, he heard me.

(giggling)

- Morning, Mr. Anthony.

We can get up for a little while tomorrow.

- Oh, thank you.

- Take it easy,

we don't want to undo all the good work.

- Don't you think it's about time I had a look?

Everyone else seems to have had one.

- Good Lord, haven't they shown it to you yet?

- No and it is mine.

- Well it may come as a bit of a shock at first,

sort of like getting a new face.

(laughing)

- Christ.

- Oh come now.

- Christ.

- It'll be all right, it's very healthy.

- It's what it bloody looks like that bothers me.

- Morning, Mr. Anthony.

- Go on, it's a wonder to behold.

- Mr. Anthony refuses to be drawn

on the subject of his private life,

but I have formed certain conclusions

and I fear that what we have given him

is not likely to suffer

from the effects of excessive usage.

Call me vain, Miss Elder,

but when I construct a Maserati

I like to think of it

as leaving the garage from time to time.

I want you to befriend him.

- I'm not sure I'm the sort of friend he needs.

I don't think I could handle it.

Hello?

Yeah.

He'll be just a minute, thank you.

- Keep his mind on sex and off his wife.

We don't want Mr. Anthony

failing his dry run next week.

Miss Elder, perhaps you would care to?

- With a man?

- Oh, just a thought.

- But I do have a suggestion, Mr. Whitbread.

What you need is a girl

who's an out and out stunner, a darling.

It so happens there's a place I know.

Purely by reputation of course.

(gentle music)

- Hey, meet 12 lovely girls.

Meet the 12 lovely girls.

All as mother nature intended.

Good evening.

12 lovely girls.

- Brace up, Miss Elder, we shan't stay long.

- Hello cheeky,

got a friend, have ya?

12 lovely girls,

all as mother nature intended.

(upbeat music)

(moaning)

- Who's that?

- It's your relief nurse.

Well I'll leave you to it.

Have fun.

- Morning, nurse.

Massage?

What's the weather like?

Oh hot.

- Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Sorry, where have they got to?

- Quiet.

(upbeat music)

- ls that matron in there?

(upbeat music)

' Ole!

' Ole!

(upbeat music)

- Show us the patient, for god's sake.

We don't need to see the woman.

- Oh no, it's a shame.

(upbeat music)

- Yes, that's it.

Come on, Percy.

He's coming up on the rails now.

He's coming up fast.

Oh, well clone, Percy.

Come on, Percy.

That's it, Percy.

Keep it UP-

Well clone, Percy.

It works, it really works!

(computer exploding)

- No, it can't be matron.

Congratulations!

- Time for a tea break.

- Oh crustal.

- Oh gosh.

- Would you call the operation a great success, sir?

- I suppose.

- Was it all plain sailing, so to speak, Mr. Whitbread?

- Well, there were a few ticklish moments, you know?

But it's all part of the fun, isn't it?

I mean a good general does his homework

and I flatter myself I planned it that well.

All I really needed was a suitable subject

and objects.

(giggling)

- [Male] Was the patient married?

- [Male] How long did the operation last?

- Will there be any further transplants of the sort?

- Will it be available on the National Health?

- Can I have one, please?

- Well that'll be all for today, gentlemen.

I shall make a further statement when the occasion arises.

(happy music)

- Use the phone?

- [Female] Yes, sir.

- Hello, momsie.

- Hello, Rosemary.

Have you been a good girl?

- Oh yes, I was ever so polite.

- That's right, they gave us everything but the name.

No name of donor, no name of patient.

The operation was performed

by a Professor Emmanuel Whitbread.

- [Male] Pint?

- Yes, a pint, perfect.

- [Male] It's all right, I'll get it.

- Sorry.

- And his team.

No names there either.

I'll stewage around here a bit

and see if I can't chat up one of the nurses.

oK8)'-

How's that pint going?

(woman giggling)

- [Rita] Oh mom.

- Miss La Rousse,

Arthur Purdee,

I did an article on you a few months back.

You know with a photograph

of you standing between the two vintage cars.

- Oh yes, I remember.

You called it Girl with Bristles.

This is momsie.

- How do you do?

- How do you do?

- You've just come out of hospital?

- No, but I have.

Well I mean I was there professionally actually.

- What, in your profession?

- Well it was the strangest thing.

They made me go into this room and then they had me-

(clearing throat)

- Young man, my daughter's taken a solemn oath

not to tell anyone.

It could only be broken for money.

(cash register ringing)

- [Reporter] This must surely be a unique moment

in medical history.

- Well, I suppose it probably is.

I certainly don't know of any similar transplants,

not in living memory.

I don't know if they Chinese ever attempted it.

- Well they're doing some research

into that at the moment.

- [Reporter] ls that right?

- They've always been a hobby of mine of course.

- [Reporter] Will there be any further transplants

of this sort of?

(victorious music)

- Ah, there you are.

- Where am I going?

Is anyone going to tell me?

- To the country, Mr. Anthony.

It's all for your own protection.

Things are hotting up down below.

- I'm not surprised.

- You'll love it there.

Here we go.

(upbeat music)

- Mr. Whitbread planned this months ago,

a quiet place in the country

where the newspapers can't find you.

And aren't you a lucky devil,

no work to do,

just two whole months with peace and rest.

- Two months?

- Well we can't hurry nature, can we?

We shall want to show you off, Mr. Anthony.

Doctors will be coming to look at you.

- Yes, well I don't want doctors peering at me

for two whole months, thank you very much.

- Personally, I find the whole business very repellent

but for Mr. Whitbread.

- [Edwin] Excuse me.

- Mr. Anthony, you mustn't.

It's too early to go straining things.

(soft rock music)

- There are some volunteers outside, Mr. Whitbread.

They want to offer their help with further transplants.

- Are they buyers or sellers?

Buyers, what we want is sellers.

We haven't got the materials to work with.

We can't get the parts.

- There must be something we can do about that, sir.

- What sort of thing?

- Well I don't know

but I've noticed most men have a very friendly feeling

towards those little devils of theirs.

I'm sure men I'd like to think of them raising hell

after they'd passed away themselves.

- Go on sister Flanagan.

- Well, I haven't really thought it out yet, but

(phone ringing) (groovy rock music)

(laughing)

- Oh come on June, you know you would.

- What do you take me for?

If my Harry came to me with one of those,

I'd tell him to take it straight back where he got it.

- Oh, you are awful.

Anyway, you're always complaining

about Harry in that respect.

- He wouldn't do any better with a new one.

A bad workman always blames his tools.

- I mean they don't even tell you where they get it from.

Well I don't like the idea of that.

I mean you never know where it's been.

- What's it matter?

As long as you know where it's going.

- No, no, it's fishy.

My George came home to me and said,

"Here Kate, look what I've got"

I'd tell him to go back and get a pedigree.

Oh no, not in my house.

- Thank you, thank you, lovely darling.

Ladies and gentlemen,

you'll have to excuse the way I'm walking.

I've just come out of hospital.

I'll tell you what,

they're a funny lot in there.

They had me in stitches.

It wasn't too bad when they put them in,

but when them nurses come to take them out,

oh blimey, I didn't know whether I was going or coming.

(laughing)

Did you hear about the fella with the transplant?

No, not you bubba,

you can't remember far back as all that.

Anyway, the fella with the transplant,

he went to the doctor, he said,

"Doctor, every time I sneeze, I feel sexy."

So the doctor says, "What are you taking for it?"

So the tranplant fella says, "Pepper."

But did you see what they said in The Sun?

"The swingiest transplant".

Well I went to this transplant fella, I said,

"Does it swing then?"

He said, "Only when I run."

(crowd laughing)

She is furious, jealousy, pure jealousy.

She wants equal rights for women.

I'm not kidding,

it's like being married

to the Crisis and Income Board.

Every time I get a rise, she freezes it.

(crowd laughing)

Well that's it,

I've always been brought up

never to look a gift horse in the mouth.

After all, they're already talking about monkey's ass.

(crowd laughing)

Did you see what The Sun says?

The swingiest transplant.

So I went to this transplant fella and I said,

"Does it swing then?"

The swingiest transplant, transplant.

They're talking about monkey's ass, monkey's ass.

(yelling)

(upbeat music)

J' You're just an animal in the zoo J'

J' Sitting down feeling persecuted and abused J'

J' You're locked up and I'm on the loose J'

J' But I can't quite tell who's looking at who J'

J' 'Cause I'm an animal too J'

J' But your locked up in the zoo J'

J'And you look at me and I look at you J'

J' God made heaven and the deep blue sea J'

J' But man picked the flowers and he pulled up trees J'

J' God made the moon and the rain and the stars J'

J' But man made the money and bombs and the guns J'

J' So we're all animals too J'

- Wherever I go, people are laughing.

I'm a dirty joke.

I can't sleep.

I've even been insulted by a gorilla.

- Oh, you poor dear man.

That's why they were taking you away,

to protect you.

- Yes, well I don't need that sort of protection.

And no one's going to make me go.

- No one can make you.

You're entitled to discharge yourself.

- You mean they're not looking for me?

- They're too busy

trying to think up a good story for the press.

- Sister Flanagan, couldn't you help me?

Look, you see, I must know who's it was.

- What?

Oh that.

- Look, I've got to live with it.

I must know who the donor was.

- Kathy, my clear, have you got those sketches?

- Excuse me.

- [Edwin] I said I must know where it came from.

- I understand, my clear.

Yes, of course, I'd love to meet your aunt.

I'll see you there.

The British Museum four o'clock.

Goodbye.

(gentle music)

- Ah.

- They say the ancient Egyptians

were the first with the transplant.

One of the mummies had it sewn on.

- You sem to know a lot about it.

- Oh, I have a gift for it.

Some people have it for music,

I have it for those little fellas.

There you are,

the list of al the deaths at the hospital

the clay you were brought in.

Now I don't know which one of them it was

and if I did know,

it'd be more than my job was worth.

- Mum's the word, Sister Flanagan.

God, it's like happy families.

(bell ringing)

(gentle music)

J' When I look so far away J'

J' Please don't wake me from my daze J'

J' I'm just wondering who I could be J'

J' lfl lived inside my dream J'

J' I could be a king or a football star J'

J' Travel round in a big sports car J'

J'An astronaut or a billionaire J'

J' I could do anything and go anywhere J'

(engine roaring)

J' A racing driver or a great politician J'

J' A man of power or a man of religion J'

J' I could be almost anything J'

J' If I could live inside my dream J'

J' Dream, I'm far away J'

J' Dream, I'm far away J'

J' Please don't wake me from my dream J'

J' Please don't wake me from my dream J'

J' Please don't wake me from my dream J'

(crowd yelling)

- Miss, Maggie Hyde?

- Over there, she's the one that moves.

- Miss Hyde?

- That's right.

Who are you?

- Percy.

- Is that your Christian or surname?

- Mr. Percy.

- Pleased to meet you, Mr. Percy.

I see you wearing a ring.

- Not really, not now, not anymore.

Ernie, that's my husband,

well my late husband I should say.

He was crushed.

- Sorry.

- Whole barrel of Burton beer

rolled off the wagon straight onto him.

- Now where exactly did it roll onto him?

Just his top?

Terrible.

- Ernie would've liked you.

He couldn't stand weak people.

- Oh, he was strong?

- Manly. - Oh yeah?

- I'll say. - Good.

- I don't like too much light, do you?

- Depends what I'm doing.

- Let's talk about you.

- Very uninteresting.

- You're a strange one

waiting for me to start it.

- Yes well Maggie, things are a little bit complicated.

- Well you can tell me,

I won't tell anyone.

- I've just had a little hospital treatment.

(yelling)

- Oh that's very nice I must say.

You need to go along then.

If here's something I've always clone,

it's keep myself clean.

- No, no, it's just a little surgery.

- Hoo, what is it?

Men get such funny things.

- I don't even know what it's called myself,

but it's better now.

(romantic music)

- That's because I like you.

- Thank you.

You are on the pill?

Well then don't you think perhaps you should put, you know?

- No, Ernie always took care

of that side of the business.

- [Edwin] Do you mean you have nothing?

- Of course not.

It's a man's job, I always say.

- That's a very old fashioned view,

particularly in one so young.

Aren't there still some in his drawer?

- No such luck, I'm afraid.

He always carried them in his top pocket

if he had any

or his hip pocket

if it was just slacks and a pullover.

- Yes, well that's it.

- That's Ernie all over.

Never had a hanky when he sneezed either.

Want a cigarette?

- Thought you didn't smoke.

- One every Christmas.

- This is more like mint.

- How,

how well did you know Ernie?

- Oh no, not now.

I'd almost forgotten.

Anyway, that's a stupid question.

He was my husband, wasn't he?

- Yes, well I mean,

some wives know their husbands better than others.

I mean they shared each other's baths, things like that.

- What are you going on about?

- Look the point is

would you recognize any part of Ernie

were you to see it again?

- There's something very weird about you.

Oh no, not about people like you.

You ought to be locked up.

- Look, this isn't a joke.

- I'll call the police.

- Can't you guess?

- Guess what?

- I'm the penis transplant man.

- Never.

Oh I can't believe it.

It couldn't happen to me.

It's like winning the pools.

And you were gonna use it?

- That's what it's there for, isn't it?

- Oh my, oh I can't make you out at all.

- I should've thought everything was falling into place.

I'm looking for the previous owner.

- Ernie?

- Well, I had no other way of finding out.

- It's a bloody insult, that's what it is.

- Not if you look at it decently and properly.

- I'm not gonna look at it at all.

- I don't see why you should feel so bloody insulted.

If it was Ernie's,

this is its' rightful home, isn't it?

- It's the way you go about things.

Didn't anyone ever tell you girls don't like it?

Anyway, what was I supposed to do, autograph it?

Anyway, Mr. Clever Dick,

as it happens, I did know Ernie quite well.

I may not have shared his bath with him,

but I did use my eyes.

He had a small brown birthmark on his

and if they've sewn it on the right way round,

it should be on the left hand side as you look at it.

(dramatic music)

- [Edwin] Excuse me.

- No I mash me own potatoes,

I can tell stock from butter

and yes, I'd like to swap my desk for two of the other.

- Mrs. Dorset?

- She ain't in.

What do you want her for?

You ain't one of them tomb stone salesmen, are you?

You leave her alone, do you hear?

- It just to do with her husband's death but,

well it's rather personal.

- Oh, from the insurance then, are you?

About time, too.

She's over there.

- Where?

- In the playground.

And don't you try to cheat her none.

Horrible accident like he had,

she ought to get extra.

- Joanne, time to go home.

- Excuse me.

- I'd rather you didn't talk to me.

- Are you Mrs. Dorset?

- No, that's her over there.

(gentle music)

(bells ringing) (gentle music)

- Be pleased to feel at home.

Feast your eyes, dear boy.

That's the real India.

Try to do that in London today

and for all they say about permissiveness

it is worth five years in scrubs.

What do you think of this?

- Acrobatic.

- No, no, just patience and determination.

You are interested in rare and splendid things?

- Oh yes.

But actually I came about Herbert Ross.

- About Herbert.

You knew him?

- We have a common interest I think.

I rather wanted to talk to someone who knew him.

- No one better than I, clear boy.

J' Friends we'll become J'

J' Friends we will stay J'

J' Friends till forever J'

J' Not just today J'

- Come, I'll show you his photographs.

J' Please don't deceive J'

J' Please don't pretend J'

J' Just be my companion J'

J'And friend to the end J'

- More brandy, dear boy?

- Thank you.

- Yes, Herbert was a sweet boy.

Rough, you know, but manly.

I like young people-

He was very handsome.

So are you of course, but not a ladies man.

I tried to convert him to brandy,

but I'm afraid beer was more to his taste.

In the evenings, I cooked dinner for us both.

I miss that very much.

- Mr. Swalton, I am a ladies man, I'm sorry.

I just wanted to know how Herbert died.

Could you bear to tell me?

- He died when his lorry

collided with a petrol tanker.

They say he was burned beyond recognition, all of him,

a wicked, wicked waste.

Herbert's room is still vacant

if you require accommodation.

- That's kind of you

but I have to be near a town.

I'll let myself out

and thank you.

- Of course.

(dramatic music)

- Mrs. Gold, the fact is I have something

which may have belonged to your husband.

- Oh?

- Yes.

Or then again, it may not.

Thank you.

- My David, he lent everything,

lent, he gave.

I'm a woman, women are hard.

But my David, he would say to me,

we are in this world to share with others.

No matter who has it,

in the end, it will be left behind.

- Very true.

- What a husband.

- Yes?

- In every sense, believe me, Mr. Anthony.

They say to me,

"Leah", they say, "You'll marry again."

Mr. Anthony,

when a woman loses a Rolls-Royce,

does she buy herself a Mini?

That man, Mr. Anthony, he filled you with wolf.

- How splendid.

You have children?

- Five.

- I have none.

- So don't smile.

Now, this property of my husband.

- Well, it may not actually have belonged to him.

- Well, I'll tell you, don't be nervous.

I'm an honest woman, I won't cheat you.

You have it with you?

- Yes.

- So show me.

I know what it was.

A book.

What a reader he was, Mr. Anthony,

cover to cover page by page.

That's how he read a book.

You never met him?

Come, I'll show you.

Now this is a forehead,

a brain, Mr. Anthony, the size of-

- Your husband was a-

- A genius.

- Mrs. Gold, when your husband was in hospital,

did you give your permission for a certain operation?

- Mr. Anthony, the last operation my David had,

he was 12 clays old.

- I thought you were gonna let me do that.

Are you angry 'cause of what happened last night?

- No.

- I don't know what came over me.

It must be the heat.

It's never happened before.

What I mean is it generally doesn't happen.

Anyway, I was gonna show you this.

I found this Time's about four clays old.

How 'bout that for a boost for the old country now?

What will they transplant next?

Hey, it's at the Bowchester Royal.

Isn't that where your Ed went?

- Oh my God.

- Do you want to buy it?

It's dirt cheap.

- Mrs. Warrington.

- Who are you?

- It's you, the late Mr. Guy Warrington?

If you are Mrs. Warrington-

- Oh bugger, well come on.

Did you give your permission for a transplant?

- Oh, I'm sorry.

Well, you better come inside.

(whimsical music)

Are you a reporter?

- No, I deal in antiques.

- Do you?

Well what do you think of my reproduction Welsh dresser?

- It's genuine.

Your chairs aren't.

- I didn't ask about the chairs.

Who told you I gave my consent for a transplant?

- Did you?

- I asked you a question.

- I'm the one who got it.

- Who told you it?

- Well, it had to go somewhere after all.

That's the point, isn't it?

You don't have to take my word for it.

I mean I can prove it's true.

- What do you have in mind as an identification parade?

No thank you.

- Was it your husband?

(knife cutting)

- [Mrs. Harrington] Now you found your man, where to?

- Well, it would be nice to know something about him

if you could bear it.

- I think I can bear it.

He was 34, dark.

He sold copying machines.

He liked jazz, which I loath.

He played squash, danced well,

was generous, remembered birthdays.

Didn't believe in God,

nor unfortunately life insurance.

He was fond of children.

No, none.

Like to stay up late,

unambitious, made you laugh,

worried about growing old,

drove too fast, two endorsements, will that do?

- You must miss him.

- I should go back to work.

I may even rent a room.

That wasn't an offer, Mr. Anthony.

Then again, why not?

It would save the cost of an advertisement.

Do you want a room?

- Well, it would hardly be right.

- Why not?

- Well for one thing,

I'd be bound to remind you of him.

- Yes, that's why you can have the room.

Do you want to see it first?

It's rather messy.

It was his room.

" His?

- The lock on the door of my own room

is broken by the way.

I won't bother to have it fixed.

That means I'm rapeable.

I don't think you'd enjoy it very much.

Coming?

- [Male] We regret to announce

that Flight 335 to London

is unfortunately delayed.

- If you ask me-

- I don't.

- I think you want him back.

- You are selfish.

It's just common humanity, that's all.

I know Edwin very well.

He won't be able to cope

with all that horrid publicity.

- Well he won't have to.

His name isn't even mentioned.

- It will be.

People are awful.

Someone's bound to talk.

I just want to have a clear conscience

and know that I've done my duty.

I am still married to him, unfortunately.

Just think, Edwin the very first in the whole world.

- Hazel,

I have left my wife.

- You wanted to, didn't you?

- Is this the latest batch?

- They're shipping them from all over the country.

Men are passing away with smiles on their faces

and their wives dancing up and down with rage.

- Kathleen, you're a genius.

This opens up whole new vistas.

There's nothing I can't do now.

I could re-equip the whole British Navy.

- It's boats they need.

One of these clays,

you'll do that on top of a bus

and they'll put you away.

J' Every time it rains, it rains J'

- Verify two and a half.

- [Male] Two and a half, verified.

- Throw it back.

- Hey Rembrandt.

You're on tele again.

- Oh God.

Look, can't we go out somewhere?

- You and I?

- Well to the pictures.

- You devil.

Yes I'd love to.

How super, thank you.

Well I'll see what's on.

- Did Guy take you to the pictures much?

- Not much.

- Oh, prefer, the theater?

- [Moira] No.

- Probably a little restaurant,

much more romantic anyway,

and a good film?

- What about, "l Am Curious Yellow"?

- Mrs. Warrington, I don't mean to be inquisitive

but your late husband and I do have a connection.

You had separate rooms.

If this means that he was deficient in any way,

I should be glad to know.

You see, I don't wish to build up my hopes

too much for the future, all right?

- All right.

These are from Guy's girlfriends.

There were more

but I used them for lining the butcher's cake.

- Really?

- Well how do you think he fell on me

with no clothes on?

I found them in a record Thelonious Monk

so I suppose he thought it was the last place on Earth

I'd think of looking.

Read them.

They all purr with satisfaction.

Some French, some German.

You're a very lucky man

and headed to the equivalent of a vintage Rolls-Royce.

- I had no idea.

- Neither had I.

I mean that, he was quite so versatile.

There are five women represented in that lot

and God knows how many others

who hadn't the strength left to lift a pen.

The only one he drew the line of going to bed with was me.

- Very stupid of him.

- He treated me as a Londoner treats Westminster Abbey.

He always means to go there,

but he never quite gets around to it.

- Well, why didn't you get a divorce?

- What for?

To admit I'd botched up five years of my life,

try again and botch up another five?

No thank you.

Well, some people can do that, but not me.

Besides I like this house.

He wasn't going to move out,

I was dammed if I was going to.

- Well I'm sure the first nice man that comes-

- I don't believe in nice men, Mr. Anthony.

If a man is faithful to his wife,

it means he's queer, impotent

or wearing a frogman's outfit.

- You don't believe that.

" No?

- Well I've never been unfaithful.

- How could you be?

She fixed you

long before that chandelier did.

Are we still going to the pictures?

(soft rock music)

Greedy.

- Ready?

(soft rock music)

- I'll ring you, darling.

Bye.

- Where to now?

Oy, where to?

- I don't know.

(gentle music)

- After we've eaten,

I thought perhaps we could have a drink at the local

if that's all right.

Well, you look very fetching.

- Thank you.

And a drink would be lovely

but I promised to look in on someone,

an old friend, lives on his own.

I feel I've neglected him.

See you later?

- I do think it was sweet of you to call.

- Well I promised Guy Warrington I'd come.

- Hmm, how well did you know him?

- Oh very well.

- Yes, you remind me of him.

- Well I have a bit of him about me.

- People grow like their friends.

- Don't you mean like their clogs?

- If I want to discuss clogs, I'll call a vet.

Fetch me a cushion.

(suave music)

Lower.

(suave music)

I need another one.

(suave music)

- ls that better?

- Mmm, yes much.

I expect like all men

you think you're good at making love.

A gift to learn the women.

- Well, it takes two, don't you agree?

- Why don't you kiss me?

I like being kissed.

No, no, no, not here.

- Well Percy, my lad,

oh.

- You can come and help me now.

You must be naked, completely naked.

- Is that absolutely essential?

- Yes, I can't bear it in clothes.

Shut the window.

Oh no, no, not the curtains.

We must have light.

Naked.

Completely naked.

(gasps)

Why on Earth didn't you tell me?

- How could I?

- Letting me see it like that,

all shaven like a monk?

- Look, this is a terrible thing to do a person,

lead him on like nobody's business

and then suddenly throw him out.

- Well, what about me?

I might have had a heart attack.

I'm still on the doctors.

I've got to be careful.

- We should have pulled the curtains.

- What and having him jump out at me in the dark?

Anyway, you haven't told me how it happened.

- Oh you won't make love,

but you still want to talk about it?

- I may not cook but I still read recipes.

How did it happen?

- Oh, I'm the transplant man.

- Oh my God.

- There you are, sir.

- They tell me this stuff

will grow hair on a billiard cue.

- Don't you mean billiard ball, sir?

- Look darling, you grow it where you want it

and I'll grow it where I want it, all right?

(gentle music)

- Hello?

Hello, is that the News of the World?

Good.

You wish to see me concerning the late Mr. Guy Warring.

- [Edwin] Warrington.

- Warrington.

Is he one of my husband's constituents?

If so I-

- You wrote him a letter.

- Oh, might I see it?

- I'm afraid it's at home.

- Very well, yes I did know Mr. Warrington.

He came here once

to try and sell my husband a copying machine.

He pressed his attentions on me

and naturally I discouraged him.

I'm married and I love my husband very much.

I did write him once, purely out of kindness,

but I suppose my letter could have been misinterpreted.

You want money I suppose?

- Beg your pardon?

- How much do you want?

- Oh, no, no, no, I'm not a blackmailer.

No, I came here because,

well, because Guy Warrington and I

may have something in common.

Look, do you like a spade to be called a spade?

- Indeed yes.

- No matter what the spade?

- What have spades to do with me?

- It's really only one spade.

- I see.

- Look, every man has a spade and like fingerprints,

every spade is different.

Look, the point is

would you recognize Guy Warrington spade

if you were to see it again?

- If your spade is what I think it is,

you're asking you the most extraordinary question.

- Yes, well, I had no alternative.

You said you liked to call a spade a spade.

- Yes, of course.

I quite understand.

Would you excuse me for a moment, please?

I have something very important to attend to.

Wait here please and do have a drink.

(phone beeping)

- Hello?

- [Female] Would you come upstairs please.

It's the first door on the left.

- Hello?

(gentle music)

(knocking on door)

- Come in.

(gentle music)

(upbeat music)

You wicked man.

Oh what fun.

(whipping)

It's time for your punishment.

Come here, slave.

(whipping)

(upbeat music)

Oh do come back.

It's fun, really.

- Had a nice day?

I stayed up to tell you I shall need your room, my room.

I hope a week's notice will be sufficient.

Goodnight.

(sad music)

J' I know a place not far from here J'

J' It's not far away love but if you come J'

J' I know a place where we'll be alone J'

J' And we'll talk all night J'

J' The way love used to be J'

J' I know a place not far away J'

J' And we'll find a way through the city streets J'

J' We'll find a way through the mad rushing crowd J'

J' And we'll talk about the way love used to be J'

J' I know a place not far from here J'

J' It's not far away love but if you come J'

J' I know a place where we'll be alone J'

J' And we'll talk about the way love used to be J'

- I never guessed he was dead.

I thought he just moved or got bored.

Women are more honest that way.

If they get bored, they say so.

With men, you just don't see 'em anymore.

Are you a friend of his?

- In a way.

- Look, are you sure he's dead?

'Cause I mean I don't fancyjust being handed round

like I was something second hand.

Here you are mate,

hep yourself, I'm done with her.

- No, he died quite suddenly.

I found a letter you wrote him.

- Did he keep that?

Who would have thought he was soft?

- Are you married?

- Sort of.

He went off.

I bet you are married.

- Sort of.

- Same as me.

Are the pubs open?

I fancy one.

- All right.

Did you know Guy was married?

- Course I knew he was married.

You know, I've got a kid, I work in a cafe.

Look at them.

It's no oil painting, is it?

Do you think I fancy myself?

The single ones are killing themselves in the rush.

- You're very attractive.

- How much do you want to learn?

It's making the best of things, isn't it?

(romantic music)

- [Edwin] That's fine.

- I live over there.

But you can't come in

on account of my clad.

Come on, over here.

Hurry UP-

We've done all that.

- Marilyn? - Mmhmm.

- You don't have to, you know?

- Why not?

You took me out, bought me drinks,

what's the matter with you?

- Well what I mean is,

I mean you don't know me, I'm a stranger.

I mean I like you,

you're great fun,

and well, I respect you.

- What sort of girl do you think I am?

I can't afford to be respected.

I suppose this isn't good enough for you.

- No.

- I thought that you might turn out to be

kind, well-mannered like he was.

But you're not like him at all.

Don't even know enough

to get a bit of fun out of life.

- Just wait until we know each other better.

- I don't have time.

It's all right for some, isn't it?

No wonder your wife left you.

I feel sorry for her,

toffee nosed git.

- [Edwin] Marilyn!

Marilyn!

(upbeat music)

(dramatic music)

- Had an exhausting night then?

I'm surprised you didn't fly straight home to your wife.

Not exactly the retiring sort, is she?

Or perhaps you wanted to work your way

through those addresses first.

- I met a girl yesterday.

One called Marilyn.

- A lady who spells loving with a "u".

- I found out something.

There is no point in making love to someone

unless you really care about them.

- Wouldn't she then?

- I didn't want to, I liked her.

- Treating women as human, that'll never do.

You want to get your skates on,

they know who you are now,

they're all after you.

So much to do so little time.

Who's next then?

- There doesn't have to be anyone Moira, if you say so.

- I'm not your keeper.

Try your wife.

(glass breaking)

- Mrs. Anthony, do you think your husband

may be suffering from amnesia?

- Well I can't think of any other reason

why he shouldn't be here. - Hold it, please.

Just a little, yeah, nice.

- And what's this then?

- Oh, I saw that yesterday.

Not Edwin's writing,

it must be a list of customers or something.

- Do you mind if I?

- Oh no.

(upbeat guitar music)

- Oh my God, yes.

Of course you are.

I saw your picture in the papers.

Am I now supposed to touch you

and say you are the Percy man and claim my five pounds

or is the price something more imaginative?

Funny, you in my flat, hmm.

You know you must give me your autograph

or your thumbprint or something.

- Mrs. Rogers, could we talk?

- Of course, anything, everything,

a cigarette, a drink, a half a dozen oysters, anything.

Oh, I'm so excited.

Oh, we must celebrate,

crack a bottle of champagne over it or something.

- Oh no, no scotch, please.

- Scotch it is then.

- Mrs. Rogers.

'Hmm?

- You see the reason that I'm here is to do with the donor.

- The donor, oh you mean of your hmm?

(gasps)

- My husband?

Well, of course, he always leaves his umbrella

on trains too.

- No, no, no, no, it's-

- And that's the reason why I haven't seen

so much of him lately.

Scared to come back without it, no?

- No, it belonged to Guy Warrington.

- Guy, Guy!

Oh well, do you know what Guy always said?

He always said when he ever died

they'd have to beat it to death.

And now you've got it?

- Yes.

- Oh come and sit here.

Come and sit here, yeah yes, happy clays.

- How well did you know him?

- Very well.

Didn't they tell you?

It all happened right here.

You see Charles, my husband,

came in through that door and Guy went out of that window.

That was terrible, wasn't it?

Poor lad.

- Oh, your husband found him?

- Oh, don't worry, don't worry.

He's in Sheffield.

Sit down, come on.

Well, I think it is rather terrible

for a man to die without clothes on, you know?

Of course, we women, we are different.

We always like to look our best.

Don't you agree?

- Mmm.

- So what did you want to talk to me about?

- Well, you see, I,

I came here to see you because-

- Mm, well you can do just that.

I think that would be quite easy, yes, mmhmm.

Just imagine the first of the few

and I've got it right in my living room.

Oh yes.

- Come on, I'm sorry.

I apologize.

I didn't intend to intrude on you privacy.

- All we wanted was a story, Mrs. Hyde.

- Why can't you stop hounding him,

you inquisitive bleeders?

I don't know where he is

and if I did, I wouldn't tell you.

- Now close the door darling

or are you some kind of fetishist.

- Yes.

(Spanish guitar music)

- That's it darling, take it off

and hurry up.

Come on darling.

Darling, take off your trousers.

We are not formal here.

Ah yes.

(moaning)

You know, I'm only doing this for sentimental reasons,

putting up a monument to Guy.

(banging on door)

What was that?

Oh my God, it's Charles, it's Charles.

And he promised he'd go to Sheffield, men.

- [Charles] Helga!

- Yes, sweetheart, yes my darling?

- [Charles] Helga, open the door.

Come on, Helga. - Hurry up.

You haven't got time for that.

- Where?

- There.

- [Charles] Helga, hurry up.

Open this door.

Helga.

- What?

- I've asked him 100 times to buy a bungalow.

- [Charles] Helga!

(pounding on door)

(mysterious music)

- Excuse me.

- Hilda.

- Yes clear, is anything wrong?

(phone ringing)

- Hello?

- [Edwin] Hello, Moira?

- Yes, what is it?

- I've just about had enough of you.

You married the wrong man

and now you're too much of a coward to try again.

- Well you're a fine one to talk.

- Shut up!

I discovered something today.

I'm not cut out to be a philanderer.

Oh, I like women,

but I don't have the constitution for more than one.

Nor a head for heights.

So you've just better make up your mind

what it is you want,

either to go on feeling sorry for yourself

or take what you're being bloody offered.

- Better come home.

- I've tried.

- Hang on, I'll get some money.

- Oh darling, I've been so worried.

I don't know how to tell you.

- [Reporter] Hold that kiss, please, please.

One more, that's it, just one more, more, more.

One for the family album.

- They want you back in hospital.

They phoned this morning.

They think they've got to operate again.

- Operate?

- [Reporter] I wonder if you could tell me

a bit about this operation.

- Now what's all this about the hospital?

- Oh, it's nothing to worry about.

Just a minor adjustment they have to make.

And I'll be with you this time.

- Yes, but what kind of minor adjustment?

- Edwin, you know I'm not technically minded.

Mr. Whitbread will explain it all

and the ambulance is coming for you at seven.

- Yes, well I'm not going,

there's nothing wrong with it.

- Oh please darling, for my sake.

Everything's going to be fine again,

just like it used to be.

Could you stop here please?

- Where are you going?

- Hairdresser's.

I'll only be an hour.

See you at home.

(women yelling)

(gentle music)

J' Come on, love J'

J' Let's forget about all the things that we've clone wrong J'

J' Just remember all the things that we've clone right J'

- There's no use, darling.

Your wife will never let you go.

Neither will anybody else.

Your face is too well known.

And I'm not being a coward again, not now.

J' Don't you cry, don't you cry, don't you cry J'

- We can go away.

- If you think the press and public

are making a meal of it now,

can you imagine what it'll be like

if we give them a scandal as well?

Could you survive that?

I don't think we could.

- Men think I'm having the time of my life.

Women look at me

as if I'm the last mink coat on Earth.

As for Hazel, she's really enjoying herself.

She loves the limelight.

- Exactly, that's why she'll never let you go.

I wish I was as hard as I try to be.

Goodbye love, take care.

J' We got to learn to share these moments in our lives J'

J'And never let it get us down J'

J' We got to put up a fight J'

J' Promise to remember all our lives J'

J' From the first sweet hello to the last goodbye J'

(tires screeching)

- Here we are.

This is where you drop off mate.

In you go.

Gonna take him the back way to fool the press.

There you are, okay.

- Look here, Whitbread,

I'm not going on another of your genital mystery tours.

I want to know what's going on

before you touch one hair of my head.

Knowing you, I'm liable to wake up this time

and find I'm the only man in the world with two

or one of each or something.

- Yes, well this time you won't be waking up

because this time you won't be going to sleep because

Edwin Anthony, Britain's first transplant,

the man most people want to meet,

meet the people.

(audience applauding)

Well we all know this is a big surprise to you, Edwin,

but now you're a part of history, but not to worry tonight,

you're surrounded by friends and admirers.

So give him a big hand, folks.

- No.

(audience applauding)

- But first, the little woman who has stood by you

in your time of trial.

The woman whose faith has meant so much to you,

your wife, Hazel Anthony.

(upbeat music)

- I'm sorry about the little white lie, darling.

- Yes, well Mrs. Anthony,

I'm sure we'd all like to know

what was your first reaction

to the news of your husband's transplant?

- I was very proud.

- The truth is she didn't have much to do with the old one

so a new one wouldn't make much difference, would it?

(audience laughing)

- You know what they say?

It takes humor to keep a marriage together.

- It's greed that keeps ours together, hers.

- I'll never forgive you for this.

- Well he certainly didn't lose his wit in that hospital?

And now here's a man

who can vouch for that wit in the old days.

- [James] Still flogging the nations' heritage,

are you ready?

- Come in, Ace television director, James Vaile.

(audience applauding)

- Excuse me, thanks.

Hi.

Eddie, it's wonderful to see you.

- Well he certainly looks in the pink,

at least what I can see of him does.

- Well now James, you've known this famous man for how long?

- Four years, isn't it, squire?

Yes, ever since his lovely wife became my

very able assistant.

- I see.

And it was then that you and he became close friends?

- Close friends?

The squire and I are like that, aren't we Eddie?

All those wonderful evenings.

Yes, I used to be in and out there all the time.

Wasn't I, Eddie?

(laughing)

- [Hazel] Edwin!

(country music)

- I've only had one casualty.

- Are you all right, Georgie?

- Am I all right?

I'm a ruined man.

(country music)

- Now you get yourself a new one.

(audience applauding)

(dramatic music)

- [Reporter] Arriving at London Airport today

back from honeymoon,

was the latest triumph of British transplant technique.

Mr. Whitbread's sensational series

of sex transplant operations

has attracted unprecedented international acclaim

and honors are being showered upon him

by many of the world's elder statesman.

And now he meets his most recent and famous patient,

Mr. John, formerly, Miss Joanna Elder

and his lovely bride,

the former dancer, Rita La Rousse.

- [Reporter] Do you think this will be a lasting thing.

- Joanna.

Joanna, welcome home.

- They beat us to it.

- Oh it was you who insisted we waited for the divorce.

- I didn't want the Queen's product

confiscating Percy.

- [Reporter] Was our transplant reporter, Hazel Anthony.

- And how is married life

with the world's first artificial man?

- (bleep) Marvelous.

(laughing)

(gentle music)

- Welcome home, Percy.

(gentle music)