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00:00:12,493 --> 00:00:15,298
[upbeat pop music]
2
00:00:15,371 --> 00:00:20,023
Provided by explosiveskull
https://twitter.com/kaboomskull
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00:00:22,971 --> 00:00:27,876
♪ Baby, baby, I'm
taken with the notion ♪
4
00:00:28,243 --> 00:00:30,045
♪ To love you with
the sweetest ♪
5
00:00:30,079 --> 00:00:32,013
- [cellphone chimes]
- Doritos versus Fritos,
6
00:00:32,047 --> 00:00:33,816
calories, question mark.
7
00:00:34,149 --> 00:00:36,352
[Girl] Um, you could
just read the bag.
8
00:00:36,384 --> 00:00:38,687
[Siri] Do you want protein
and fiber information?
9
00:00:38,720 --> 00:00:40,355
Mary.
10
00:00:40,389 --> 00:00:42,525
[Siri] I didn't understand
that. Did you say Mary?
11
00:00:42,557 --> 00:00:44,060
Uh.
12
00:00:44,093 --> 00:00:44,794
Hey,
13
00:00:46,494 --> 00:00:47,996
you, hey, you.
14
00:00:48,030 --> 00:00:49,032
What's up?
15
00:00:49,997 --> 00:00:50,932
You don't remember me?
16
00:00:52,768 --> 00:00:54,704
Uh, I'm so sorry. I don't.
17
00:00:54,737 --> 00:00:55,871
I need a hint.
18
00:00:56,171 --> 00:00:57,573
College?
19
00:00:57,606 --> 00:00:58,941
Oh, um.
20
00:01:00,609 --> 00:01:01,977
Michael?
21
00:01:02,009 --> 00:01:02,811
No.
22
00:01:02,844 --> 00:01:03,813
Keaton?
23
00:01:03,845 --> 00:01:05,113
- No.
- No?
24
00:01:05,147 --> 00:01:06,415
- No.
- Fuck.
25
00:01:06,447 --> 00:01:07,615
I feel so bad. I'm sorry.
26
00:01:07,649 --> 00:01:08,817
It's okay, don't.
27
00:01:08,849 --> 00:01:11,086
We talked that one time at that
Undie-Run for charity thing,
28
00:01:11,120 --> 00:01:12,987
and you showed up fully clothed,
29
00:01:13,021 --> 00:01:14,823
and I was only in my
boxers, and you were like,
30
00:01:14,856 --> 00:01:17,492
"This whole event reeks
of toxic masculinity."
31
00:01:17,525 --> 00:01:19,762
And then you pointed out
how all the guys' nipples
32
00:01:19,795 --> 00:01:21,664
were getting hard
because it was cold out,
33
00:01:21,697 --> 00:01:23,832
and you never thought about
male nipples getting hard
34
00:01:23,865 --> 00:01:25,367
or pointy or whatever.
35
00:01:25,400 --> 00:01:26,868
And I was all like, "Don't
look at my nipples,"
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00:01:26,902 --> 00:01:28,037
or somethin'.
37
00:01:29,103 --> 00:01:30,472
Um.
38
00:01:31,239 --> 00:01:33,042
And then we bridged that
to how "Lord of the Flies"
39
00:01:33,075 --> 00:01:34,710
is really overrated,
how it shouldn't
40
00:01:34,742 --> 00:01:35,744
- be mandatory reading-
- Oh, um.
41
00:01:35,778 --> 00:01:36,879
[Guy] for little kids.
42
00:01:36,912 --> 00:01:38,047
Uh, Mark.
43
00:01:38,079 --> 00:01:38,947
Yes.
44
00:01:38,980 --> 00:01:40,448
Mark Kenneth Samson.
45
00:01:40,481 --> 00:01:41,450
[Mark] There ya go.
46
00:01:41,483 --> 00:01:42,484
The three-first-names guy.
47
00:01:42,518 --> 00:01:43,118
How are ya?
48
00:01:43,152 --> 00:01:45,487
Okay. [laughs]
49
00:01:46,454 --> 00:01:47,890
You look different.
50
00:01:47,923 --> 00:01:49,924
Yeah, I lost some weight
or toned up or whatever.
51
00:01:49,957 --> 00:01:51,025
I started going to the gym.
52
00:01:51,058 --> 00:01:51,793
You weren't fat.
53
00:01:52,995 --> 00:01:54,630
No, I know. I know.
54
00:01:55,831 --> 00:01:56,832
I know.
55
00:01:59,935 --> 00:02:01,003
Well...
56
00:02:01,804 --> 00:02:03,906
[soft music]
57
00:02:08,943 --> 00:02:09,845
Hey again.
58
00:02:11,747 --> 00:02:12,848
Do I know you?
59
00:02:12,881 --> 00:02:13,983
[Mark] Ha-ha.
60
00:02:14,015 --> 00:02:16,985
[Mary chuckles]
61
00:02:17,019 --> 00:02:19,622
Uh, this isn't for me.
62
00:02:19,655 --> 00:02:20,756
Cool.
63
00:02:20,788 --> 00:02:21,990
I wasn't even...
64
00:02:22,024 --> 00:02:24,794
It doesn't matter who
it's for. [laughs]
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00:02:24,826 --> 00:02:25,661
[Mary] Hi.
66
00:02:28,997 --> 00:02:30,032
Um.
67
00:02:33,468 --> 00:02:34,971
Hey, do you wanna
get a smoothie?
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00:02:35,837 --> 00:02:38,941
There's this really good
smoothie place near here.
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00:02:38,973 --> 00:02:41,476
[mellow music]
70
00:02:43,479 --> 00:02:44,914
It's funny, my dad and I,
71
00:02:44,947 --> 00:02:47,483
we actually are in the process
of making those things.
72
00:02:47,515 --> 00:02:48,683
Making what?
73
00:02:49,651 --> 00:02:51,020
Pregnancy tests.
74
00:02:51,052 --> 00:02:52,987
People already make them.
Why would you make them?
75
00:02:53,020 --> 00:02:55,156
Well, ours use your spit
instead of your urine.
76
00:02:55,189 --> 00:02:56,825
And they can tell you
if you're ovulating.
77
00:02:56,859 --> 00:02:58,194
It's less invasive.
78
00:02:58,227 --> 00:02:59,962
Yeah, but there's no way
that's accurate, right?
79
00:02:59,995 --> 00:03:02,698
Like, you just spit into
a little cup or something,
80
00:03:02,730 --> 00:03:04,532
tells you if you've
created life?
81
00:03:04,566 --> 00:03:06,769
Is that any weirder
than peeing on a stick?
82
00:03:07,401 --> 00:03:08,603
Why aren't they
all like that then?
83
00:03:08,637 --> 00:03:11,240
Good opportunities come from
things that don't exist yet,
84
00:03:11,272 --> 00:03:13,442
you know, things people
don't realize they want.
85
00:03:15,544 --> 00:03:16,579
It is for me.
86
00:03:17,913 --> 00:03:18,914
Oh.
87
00:03:18,947 --> 00:03:19,882
[Mary] Yeah.
88
00:03:21,582 --> 00:03:22,818
Well, that answers
that, I guess.
89
00:03:22,850 --> 00:03:23,819
[Mary] Answers what?
90
00:03:25,187 --> 00:03:27,088
I was wanna ask
if you're taken.
91
00:03:27,122 --> 00:03:29,191
I'm single, technically.
92
00:03:29,223 --> 00:03:31,893
[Mark] What do you want it
to be, one line or two lines?
93
00:03:31,926 --> 00:03:33,561
They need to make the
results more clearer,
94
00:03:33,594 --> 00:03:35,631
like baby or no baby.
95
00:03:35,663 --> 00:03:37,265
I know, it's like,
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00:03:37,299 --> 00:03:38,334
this is one of the most important
moments in someone's life,
97
00:03:38,366 --> 00:03:40,635
and these companies decide
to make it confusing.
98
00:03:40,669 --> 00:03:41,871
You know what's
really crazy, though,
99
00:03:41,903 --> 00:03:43,739
is that I could be
pregnant right now,
100
00:03:43,771 --> 00:03:44,906
and nobody would be surprised.
101
00:03:44,939 --> 00:03:45,841
What do you mean?
102
00:03:45,875 --> 00:03:47,610
Do you think people
think you're a slut or-
103
00:03:47,643 --> 00:03:48,676
- No.
104
00:03:48,710 --> 00:03:50,045
- What?
- What?
105
00:03:50,078 --> 00:03:51,680
No.
106
00:03:51,712 --> 00:03:53,081
- No?
- No.
107
00:03:53,115 --> 00:03:54,250
[Mark stammers]
108
00:03:54,282 --> 00:03:56,684
I'm at the right
age to have a kid.
109
00:03:56,717 --> 00:03:59,621
And if I was in Arkansas,
I'd be considered late.
110
00:03:59,655 --> 00:04:01,956
It feels like two seconds
ago that if I got pregnant,
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00:04:01,990 --> 00:04:03,158
it would be anarchy.
112
00:04:03,191 --> 00:04:04,659
And then super fuckin'
soon after that,
113
00:04:04,693 --> 00:04:06,128
your kid could come
out on that spectrum,
114
00:04:06,161 --> 00:04:07,930
so that's something
you have to weigh.
115
00:04:07,962 --> 00:04:09,965
Then you're just counting
down the days you have left,
116
00:04:09,997 --> 00:04:13,668
because you're no longer
viable to, like, the earth.
117
00:04:13,701 --> 00:04:15,069
I guess. You're really young.
118
00:04:15,103 --> 00:04:17,939
Your femininity
doesn't die at menopause.
119
00:04:17,973 --> 00:04:19,307
It dies the moment
you're no longer able
120
00:04:19,341 --> 00:04:20,576
to safely reproduce.
121
00:04:20,608 --> 00:04:22,978
And it sucks so much dick.
122
00:04:24,245 --> 00:04:26,080
That pesky biological clock.
123
00:04:26,113 --> 00:04:28,683
You don't even have to think
about any of this shit, ever.
124
00:04:28,716 --> 00:04:31,052
Hey, don't blame me, okay.
I'm one of the good ones.
125
00:04:31,086 --> 00:04:32,888
You know, I went to
the Women's March.
126
00:04:32,920 --> 00:04:34,689
I went to two Women's
Marches, actually.
127
00:04:34,723 --> 00:04:35,625
I went to two of 'em.
128
00:04:36,692 --> 00:04:39,629
[keystrokes tapping]
129
00:04:41,129 --> 00:04:44,600
Sorry, I was just thinking
that Biological Cock
130
00:04:44,632 --> 00:04:46,134
would be a good band name,
and I didn't wanna forget it.
131
00:04:46,168 --> 00:04:47,603
Are you in a band?
132
00:04:47,636 --> 00:04:48,903
Yeah, we're called
Butter Cunt right now,
133
00:04:48,937 --> 00:04:50,706
but we're always looking
for something better.
134
00:04:50,738 --> 00:04:51,639
Can you make money from that?
135
00:04:51,673 --> 00:04:52,942
Oh, no.
136
00:04:52,975 --> 00:04:55,177
Look, I, I don't
really make money either.
137
00:04:55,209 --> 00:04:56,711
First five years of a company,
138
00:04:56,745 --> 00:04:58,247
you can't break even,
et cetera, et cetera.
139
00:04:58,279 --> 00:05:01,849
How'd you and your parents
get into this saliva biz?
140
00:05:01,882 --> 00:05:04,218
My parents are divorced, so
it's me and my dad's thing.
141
00:05:04,252 --> 00:05:06,922
But yeah, it's
plastics manufacturing.
142
00:05:06,954 --> 00:05:09,057
- What's your mom do?
- What's your mom do?
143
00:05:09,091 --> 00:05:10,593
You're gonna ask
me what my mom does
144
00:05:10,625 --> 00:05:11,960
before you ask me what I do?
145
00:05:11,994 --> 00:05:14,029
Can I just say, I feel
like you got a lot of rules.
146
00:05:14,062 --> 00:05:15,264
Mm, not really.
147
00:05:15,297 --> 00:05:16,799
Let someone come inside me,
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00:05:16,831 --> 00:05:18,134
which is the reason
we're here now.
149
00:05:20,067 --> 00:05:22,103
Okay. What do you do?
150
00:05:22,137 --> 00:05:25,341
Like voiceover stuff for,
like, random businesses
151
00:05:25,374 --> 00:05:27,910
and commercials and whatever.
152
00:05:27,942 --> 00:05:29,277
Like what? Can I hear some?
153
00:05:29,310 --> 00:05:31,879
Mark Kenneth Samson,
would you like to purchase
154
00:05:31,913 --> 00:05:34,617
a subscription to
"Mind, Body, and Soul"?
155
00:05:34,649 --> 00:05:35,383
Uh-huh.
156
00:05:35,416 --> 00:05:37,685
[both laugh]
157
00:05:37,718 --> 00:05:38,920
I also clean houses.
158
00:05:38,954 --> 00:05:40,055
I also walk dogs.
159
00:05:41,656 --> 00:05:43,858
[both laugh]
160
00:05:47,362 --> 00:05:50,299
Is it not cool for me to ask
for your number right now?
161
00:05:50,331 --> 00:05:51,634
'Cause I want to.
162
00:05:51,666 --> 00:05:52,767
I should probably find out
163
00:05:52,800 --> 00:05:54,202
if I'm knocked out first, right?
164
00:05:54,235 --> 00:05:55,303
Mm, that makes a ton of sense.
165
00:05:55,336 --> 00:05:56,671
Should I do it now?
166
00:06:06,982 --> 00:06:09,352
[door rattling]
167
00:06:11,019 --> 00:06:11,887
So?
168
00:06:13,055 --> 00:06:14,389
I didn't do it yet.
169
00:06:14,990 --> 00:06:16,792
Can you come in here with
me for moral support?
170
00:06:16,824 --> 00:06:18,060
While you pee?
171
00:06:18,093 --> 00:06:19,228
Yeah.
172
00:06:19,261 --> 00:06:20,362
That's a little-
173
00:06:20,394 --> 00:06:21,363
- Don't make it weird.
174
00:06:23,398 --> 00:06:24,366
It's a little weird.
175
00:06:24,399 --> 00:06:27,769
[water sloshing]
176
00:06:27,802 --> 00:06:31,339
Oh. [chuckles]
177
00:06:31,372 --> 00:06:33,074
Oh man, you like to
stay hydrated, huh?
178
00:06:34,442 --> 00:06:35,209
[Mary] I said,
don't make it weird.
179
00:06:35,242 --> 00:06:36,077
Sorry, sorry.
180
00:06:39,980 --> 00:06:42,651
[toilet flushes]
181
00:06:45,187 --> 00:06:47,423
[both sigh]
182
00:06:48,790 --> 00:06:49,792
Now what?
183
00:06:50,925 --> 00:06:51,926
We wait.
184
00:06:54,129 --> 00:06:55,330
For how long?
185
00:06:55,362 --> 00:06:56,964
Three minutes. Why
don't you know that?
186
00:06:56,997 --> 00:06:58,099
I feel like you
should know that.
187
00:06:58,132 --> 00:06:59,100
I do know that. I know.
188
00:07:01,103 --> 00:07:03,204
[Mark sighs]
189
00:07:08,877 --> 00:07:10,345
[both laugh]
190
00:07:10,377 --> 00:07:13,415
Do you wanna sing me a song?
191
00:07:14,516 --> 00:07:15,951
What song?
192
00:07:15,983 --> 00:07:17,351
Make one up.
You're an inventor.
193
00:07:17,384 --> 00:07:19,087
You're the singer.
194
00:07:19,120 --> 00:07:20,255
I'm in distress.
195
00:07:22,891 --> 00:07:24,492
[Mark laughs]
196
00:07:24,526 --> 00:07:25,728
Come on.
197
00:07:25,761 --> 00:07:27,196
Okay, okay, okay.
198
00:07:29,297 --> 00:07:30,265
♪ Baby ♪
199
00:07:30,298 --> 00:07:31,065
Don't start it with baby.
200
00:07:31,098 --> 00:07:33,000
Shit.
201
00:07:33,033 --> 00:07:35,803
♪ You're the girl
in the bathroom ♪
202
00:07:35,836 --> 00:07:37,206
♪ But also the
girl from college ♪
203
00:07:37,238 --> 00:07:38,339
No, no, distract.
204
00:07:38,372 --> 00:07:39,942
Poetic, please.
205
00:07:39,975 --> 00:07:43,946
♪ And the opposite of a
baby is an old person ♪
206
00:07:43,978 --> 00:07:45,079
♪ Yeah, the elderly ♪
207
00:07:45,112 --> 00:07:46,814
Maybe try singing louder,
208
00:07:46,848 --> 00:07:49,318
like really, really loud.
♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪
209
00:07:49,350 --> 00:07:51,853
Do it louder.
♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪
210
00:07:51,887 --> 00:07:55,324
Really fuckin' loud.
♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪
211
00:07:55,357 --> 00:07:56,492
[Mark laughs]
Keep going!
212
00:07:56,524 --> 00:07:59,227
[Mark vocalizing musically]
213
00:07:59,261 --> 00:08:00,362
♪ Ooh yeah ♪
Yes!
214
00:08:00,394 --> 00:08:01,764
♪ You better wash your hands ♪
215
00:08:01,797 --> 00:08:02,998
♪ When you're done
in the bathroom ♪
216
00:08:03,031 --> 00:08:04,132
♪ Better wash your
hands when you're ♪
217
00:08:04,165 --> 00:08:04,800
♪ Done in they bathroom ♪
We're gonna get kicked out.
218
00:08:04,833 --> 00:08:06,401
♪ No, those are the rules ♪
219
00:08:06,434 --> 00:08:07,369
Worth it!
220
00:08:07,401 --> 00:08:10,772
[Mark vocalizing musically]
221
00:08:10,805 --> 00:08:12,206
[laughs] This is helpful?
222
00:08:12,240 --> 00:08:13,341
- This is helping?
- Yes, continue.
223
00:08:13,375 --> 00:08:16,144
[Mark vocalizing musically]
Louder!
224
00:08:16,177 --> 00:08:17,312
Hit the high note!
225
00:08:17,345 --> 00:08:21,817
[Mark vocalizing theatrically]
226
00:08:21,850 --> 00:08:24,186
[high note echoes]
227
00:08:24,218 --> 00:08:26,988
[clock ticking]
228
00:08:29,456 --> 00:08:30,425
Okay.
229
00:08:32,927 --> 00:08:34,496
You can have my number.
230
00:08:36,464 --> 00:08:39,401
[mellow bassy music]
231
00:08:46,041 --> 00:08:49,812
[moves to mellow dreamy music]
232
00:09:04,960 --> 00:09:08,363
♪ I can feel your shadow ♪
233
00:09:08,395 --> 00:09:09,897
♪ I just wanna be ♪
234
00:09:09,931 --> 00:09:11,400
[camera clicks]
Oh, you can't,
235
00:09:11,432 --> 00:09:12,433
you can't take photos.
236
00:09:12,466 --> 00:09:13,269
Oh, yeah.
237
00:09:16,437 --> 00:09:18,173
Uh?
238
00:09:18,206 --> 00:09:19,575
Different kind of service.
239
00:09:19,607 --> 00:09:21,209
Can we go back
to the other thing?
240
00:09:21,243 --> 00:09:22,411
Dusting.
241
00:09:24,011 --> 00:09:27,281
♪ I can't fight the
world's battles ♪
242
00:09:27,315 --> 00:09:30,252
♪ I just wanna be next to you ♪
243
00:09:30,284 --> 00:09:33,389
♪ Wanna be next to you ♪
244
00:09:35,056 --> 00:09:36,225
[Mark] What's this one?
245
00:09:36,258 --> 00:09:37,426
[Mary] Shark fin.
246
00:09:37,458 --> 00:09:39,093
Why a shark fin?
247
00:09:39,126 --> 00:09:41,229
You know, like, keep moving.
248
00:09:42,898 --> 00:09:43,999
What about
249
00:09:45,600 --> 00:09:47,269
this one?
250
00:09:47,302 --> 00:09:51,139
Just a drunken squiggle
from my high school boyfriend.
251
00:09:51,172 --> 00:09:52,074
Hmm.
252
00:09:53,240 --> 00:09:54,643
What about this one?
253
00:09:54,676 --> 00:09:57,512
Squiggle from my
high school girlfriend.
254
00:09:57,544 --> 00:09:59,280
Your high school experience
255
00:09:59,313 --> 00:10:00,514
was a lot more active than mine.
256
00:10:00,548 --> 00:10:04,320
[laughs] My favorite
one's the mouse trap.
257
00:10:06,321 --> 00:10:08,423
I like this David Bowie one.
258
00:10:08,456 --> 00:10:10,459
That's my mom, actually.
259
00:10:10,491 --> 00:10:12,360
She passed away.
260
00:10:12,394 --> 00:10:14,028
A lot of people
think that though.
261
00:10:14,062 --> 00:10:16,130
She had a really
androgynous face.
262
00:10:21,336 --> 00:10:23,371
Do you have any?
263
00:10:23,404 --> 00:10:25,606
Never felt like I knew
the right thing to get.
264
00:10:25,639 --> 00:10:27,074
Or, like, if I like something,
265
00:10:27,107 --> 00:10:28,409
I could just frame
a picture of it.
266
00:10:28,442 --> 00:10:30,077
Yeah.
267
00:10:30,110 --> 00:10:33,948
[mellow dreamy music continues]
268
00:10:39,586 --> 00:10:43,258
♪ This life is such a mystery ♪
269
00:10:43,291 --> 00:10:46,128
♪ But I don't feel
so fucked up ♪
270
00:10:46,160 --> 00:10:49,564
♪ As long as I'm next to you ♪
271
00:10:56,236 --> 00:10:58,072
Let's do this.
272
00:10:58,105 --> 00:11:00,942
Do you, Mark Kenneth Samson,
273
00:11:00,975 --> 00:11:03,644
take Mary Lewis to be your wife
274
00:11:03,677 --> 00:11:06,314
to love and to cherish for as
long as you both shall live?
275
00:11:07,615 --> 00:11:09,183
I do.
276
00:11:09,216 --> 00:11:10,117
[Mary laughs]
277
00:11:10,150 --> 00:11:11,620
And do you, Mary Lewis,
278
00:11:11,653 --> 00:11:15,490
take Mark Kenneth Samson
to be your husband
279
00:11:15,523 --> 00:11:18,360
to love and to cherish for as
long as you both shall live?
280
00:11:18,393 --> 00:11:19,661
Hell yeah, I do.
281
00:11:19,693 --> 00:11:22,596
[light bubbly music]
282
00:11:22,629 --> 00:11:24,232
You may now kiss the bride.
283
00:11:26,533 --> 00:11:28,971
Wait. Why isn't it, you
may now kiss the groom?
284
00:11:29,004 --> 00:11:30,238
Seriously?
285
00:11:30,270 --> 00:11:31,272
Why does the guy get
to initiate the kiss
286
00:11:31,306 --> 00:11:33,108
for all of eternity?
287
00:11:33,140 --> 00:11:35,343
That's some archaic,
repressed bullshit.
288
00:11:35,376 --> 00:11:37,011
Please just let
me kiss you, Mary.
289
00:11:37,044 --> 00:11:38,245
Look, I have a script
290
00:11:38,278 --> 00:11:39,447
that I'm not supposed
to deviate from.
291
00:11:39,480 --> 00:11:40,548
Well, deviate.
292
00:11:40,581 --> 00:11:43,485
[officiant sighs]
293
00:11:43,518 --> 00:11:45,120
Okay.
294
00:11:45,153 --> 00:11:47,055
Uh, you may now kiss
the groom, I guess.
295
00:11:47,087 --> 00:11:47,722
Sick.
296
00:11:47,755 --> 00:11:51,759
[laid-back bassy music]
297
00:11:51,793 --> 00:11:56,697
♪ Oh baby ♪
298
00:11:56,730 --> 00:12:01,703
♪ Oh man ♪
299
00:12:02,203 --> 00:12:07,208
♪ You're makin' me crazy ♪
300
00:12:07,241 --> 00:12:12,480
♪ Really drivin' me mad ♪
301
00:12:12,514 --> 00:12:17,619
♪ But that's all right with me ♪
302
00:12:17,652 --> 00:12:21,423
♪ It's really no fuss ♪
303
00:12:21,456 --> 00:12:23,091
[cork pops]
Ooh.
304
00:12:23,124 --> 00:12:26,695
♪ As long as you're next to me ♪
305
00:12:28,328 --> 00:12:29,497
[both imitate explosion]
♪ Just the two of us ♪
306
00:12:29,530 --> 00:12:30,564
Take one.
307
00:12:30,597 --> 00:12:33,267
[Mary groans]
308
00:12:33,301 --> 00:12:34,469
No!
309
00:12:34,501 --> 00:12:35,302
[Mark shouts]
[Mary groans]
310
00:12:35,336 --> 00:12:39,474
♪ You're my, my, my ♪
311
00:12:39,506 --> 00:12:42,476
♪ My kind of woman ♪
312
00:12:42,509 --> 00:12:44,479
[Mary gurgles]
313
00:12:44,511 --> 00:12:46,247
[Mark grunts]
314
00:12:46,280 --> 00:12:50,484
♪ My, my, my ♪
315
00:12:50,518 --> 00:12:55,324
♪ My kind of woman ♪
316
00:12:56,791 --> 00:12:59,561
♪ And I'm down on
my hands and knees ♪
317
00:12:59,594 --> 00:13:01,797
♪ Beggin' you please, baby ♪
318
00:13:01,830 --> 00:13:04,767
♪ Show me your world ♪
319
00:13:10,605 --> 00:13:11,505
[Mark cooing]
320
00:13:11,538 --> 00:13:13,375
♪ Oh baby ♪
321
00:13:16,610 --> 00:13:18,547
- No, come here.
- No!
322
00:13:19,179 --> 00:13:21,615
Yeah, Jesus, what have
you been thinkin' about?
323
00:13:21,649 --> 00:13:24,719
[Mark groans]
♪ I'm feelin' so tired ♪
324
00:13:24,751 --> 00:13:26,487
[cellphone beeping]
325
00:13:26,520 --> 00:13:29,625
♪ Really fallin' apart ♪
326
00:13:30,591 --> 00:13:33,327
[toilet flushes]
327
00:13:34,828 --> 00:13:37,198
This is Mary Lewis, take one.
328
00:13:37,231 --> 00:13:40,367
Suffering from a
dry or itchy vagina?
329
00:13:40,400 --> 00:13:44,105
It may be a syndrome called
menopause vaginal dryness.
330
00:13:44,139 --> 00:13:46,307
A lubricant may be for you.
331
00:13:46,341 --> 00:13:50,611
Try our All Natural Wild Yam
Vaginal Moisturizing Gel today.
332
00:13:50,644 --> 00:13:54,283
Currently available
in 1.5 to 3 ounces.
333
00:13:58,352 --> 00:14:00,088
It's crazy how
fast it all feels.
334
00:14:01,788 --> 00:14:04,492
I had no idea I was
gonna love her this much.
335
00:14:04,525 --> 00:14:05,526
She's amazing.
336
00:14:05,559 --> 00:14:06,627
So sick, man.
337
00:14:06,660 --> 00:14:08,129
That's cool.
338
00:14:08,163 --> 00:14:10,731
Yeah, I feel expanded.
339
00:14:10,764 --> 00:14:12,766
She makes me feel like
a human rubber band
340
00:14:12,799 --> 00:14:13,835
that's just like, [imitates
rubber band squeaking].
341
00:14:15,436 --> 00:14:16,471
Yeah, I don't think I
could ever get married.
342
00:14:16,504 --> 00:14:18,273
Fuck.
343
00:14:18,306 --> 00:14:20,609
Am I the only one
workin' out? I'm done.
344
00:14:20,642 --> 00:14:21,843
I just don't see
the point in it.
345
00:14:21,875 --> 00:14:23,644
I mean, it seems
purely financial,
346
00:14:23,677 --> 00:14:25,813
and financially, it
usually fucks you.
347
00:14:25,846 --> 00:14:28,350
Probably fucks you
more than your wife does.
348
00:14:28,383 --> 00:14:29,783
That's funny, man.
349
00:14:29,817 --> 00:14:30,751
You guys probably
just feel like that
350
00:14:30,784 --> 00:14:32,487
because you haven't
met someone like Mary.
351
00:14:34,254 --> 00:14:35,624
You haven't found your Mary.
352
00:14:35,657 --> 00:14:36,825
You sound kind of faggy, Mark.
353
00:14:36,857 --> 00:14:37,725
- Whoa!
- Dude.
354
00:14:37,759 --> 00:14:38,927
- No.
- Not cool.
355
00:14:38,960 --> 00:14:41,163
- What?
- You can't say that.
356
00:14:41,196 --> 00:14:42,564
Yes, I can, I'm bi. I
can say whatever I want.
357
00:14:42,596 --> 00:14:44,198
We are in a public place.
358
00:14:44,231 --> 00:14:47,368
Don't care if you're bi, you
can't just say [mumbles].
359
00:14:47,402 --> 00:14:48,336
[Kyle] What was that?
360
00:14:48,369 --> 00:14:49,638
You can't say [mumbles].
361
00:14:49,671 --> 00:14:51,573
We have reclaimed
the word faggot.
362
00:14:51,605 --> 00:14:53,674
[groans] Fuckin' stop it.
363
00:14:53,707 --> 00:14:55,610
I'm not calling
you a faggot, faggot.
364
00:14:55,643 --> 00:14:57,512
Stop. Stop saying it.
365
00:14:57,544 --> 00:14:58,812
Stop saying it.
Stop calling me it.
366
00:14:58,846 --> 00:14:59,748
[Kyle] Did I just
call him a faggot?
367
00:14:59,780 --> 00:15:01,582
Just L-G-Be a better person.
368
00:15:03,217 --> 00:15:04,218
You're such a faggot.
369
00:15:05,687 --> 00:15:07,556
How's Mary's sister
doin' these days?
370
00:15:07,589 --> 00:15:08,857
Is she tryin' to fuck?
371
00:15:09,490 --> 00:15:12,561
We are Unnecessary
Colonoscopy!
372
00:15:12,594 --> 00:15:14,629
One, two, three, four!
373
00:15:14,662 --> 00:15:18,500
[gritty music]
♪ Ooh ♪
374
00:15:18,533 --> 00:15:22,370
♪ Ooh ♪
375
00:15:22,403 --> 00:15:26,274
♪ Ooh ♪
376
00:15:26,307 --> 00:15:29,978
♪ Ooh ♪
377
00:15:30,010 --> 00:15:33,814
♪ Miss Narcissist,
she's a thief ♪
378
00:15:33,847 --> 00:15:37,718
♪ Sucks out all the energy ♪
379
00:15:37,751 --> 00:15:40,921
♪ So long, my hostility ♪
380
00:15:40,955 --> 00:15:43,291
[knocking at door]
♪ Like a parasite ♪
381
00:15:43,323 --> 00:15:45,359
♪ And all she all she needs ♪
[banging at door]
382
00:15:45,393 --> 00:15:49,564
[gritty music grows louder]
♪ Is to live in me ♪
383
00:15:49,596 --> 00:15:54,302
[band singing indistinctly]
[fist pounding]
384
00:15:54,335 --> 00:15:55,870
What the fuck do you
want, Christopher?
385
00:15:55,903 --> 00:15:57,538
If you wanna be
in a real band,
386
00:15:57,572 --> 00:15:58,740
invest in some soundproofing?
387
00:15:58,773 --> 00:16:00,475
Do I look like I could
afford soundproofing?
388
00:16:00,508 --> 00:16:01,408
Is that my problem?
389
00:16:01,442 --> 00:16:02,744
Yeah, sort of, it is.
390
00:16:02,777 --> 00:16:03,979
Spend a hundred
dollars at Home Depot.
391
00:16:04,011 --> 00:16:05,546
I can't go to Home Depot,
392
00:16:05,580 --> 00:16:07,382
because I don't support
the co-founder's politics.
393
00:16:07,414 --> 00:16:08,750
Do you wanna go for me?
394
00:16:08,783 --> 00:16:10,451
My god, my dogs
don't like the noise.
395
00:16:10,485 --> 00:16:11,753
Well, I don't like your dogs,
396
00:16:11,785 --> 00:16:12,519
- Christopher.
- You wrote enough songs
397
00:16:12,552 --> 00:16:13,754
about 'em.
398
00:16:13,788 --> 00:16:16,557
"Kill Them Bitches,"
"Shut Up, Mutts."
399
00:16:16,591 --> 00:16:18,726
They're dumb, and they're
blind, and they're also deaf.
400
00:16:18,759 --> 00:16:20,495
It's really loud
in there, Lana.
401
00:16:21,162 --> 00:16:23,264
And I'm trying to
binge some Nat Geo.
402
00:16:23,298 --> 00:16:25,432
Jesus, you're so
fucking dramatic.
403
00:16:25,466 --> 00:16:26,835
I'm gonna call Rebecca.
404
00:16:26,868 --> 00:16:28,570
Go for it. Call Rebecca.
405
00:16:28,602 --> 00:16:29,670
We're very close.
406
00:16:29,703 --> 00:16:31,405
- Bullshit.
- Yep.
407
00:16:31,438 --> 00:16:32,807
She'll love to hear from
you. She likes you so much.
408
00:16:32,840 --> 00:16:34,609
- I know she does.
- She loves you.
409
00:16:34,642 --> 00:16:35,677
[Christopher] Why are you
winking at me? That's weird.
410
00:16:35,710 --> 00:16:36,845
- I'm not winking.
- Yeah, you are.
411
00:16:36,878 --> 00:16:37,479
What are you talking about?
412
00:16:37,511 --> 00:16:38,712
I'm gonna call the cops.
413
00:16:38,745 --> 00:16:39,780
KK, fuck you.
414
00:16:39,813 --> 00:16:40,748
No, fuck you.
415
00:16:40,782 --> 00:16:41,650
- No, fuck you.
- No, fuck you.
416
00:16:41,682 --> 00:16:42,850
- Ha.
- Fuck you, ha.
417
00:16:42,884 --> 00:16:44,619
Wow, nice. Look at
that big boy mouth.
418
00:16:44,652 --> 00:16:45,787
- Fuck you.
- Fuck you.
419
00:16:45,820 --> 00:16:46,621
- Fuck you.
- Fuck you, say it again.
420
00:16:46,653 --> 00:16:47,588
Fuck you.
421
00:16:47,621 --> 00:16:48,455
- Fuck you!
- Fuck you.
422
00:16:48,489 --> 00:16:49,658
- Fuck you.
- Fuck ya.
423
00:16:49,691 --> 00:16:51,660
- Fuck you, fucker.
- Fuck you, fuck you.
424
00:16:51,692 --> 00:16:54,696
[Both] Fuck you, fuck
you, fuck you, fuck you.
425
00:16:54,729 --> 00:16:55,730
- And fuck you.
- Yeah.
426
00:16:55,763 --> 00:16:56,798
[Both] Fuck you!
427
00:16:56,831 --> 00:16:57,999
- Fuck you.
- Fuck you.
428
00:16:58,032 --> 00:16:58,700
- [laughs] Fuck you.
- Yeah, okay. [laughs]
429
00:16:58,732 --> 00:16:59,733
[Christopher] Ha-ha, fuck you.
430
00:16:59,767 --> 00:17:01,936
[Lana laughs maniacally]
431
00:17:01,969 --> 00:17:04,673
[Lana] Fuck you,
dude! Oh my god.
432
00:17:04,705 --> 00:17:06,073
[Christopher] Write
a song about it.
433
00:17:06,106 --> 00:17:07,509
- I will.
- Write a loud song about it with like
434
00:17:07,541 --> 00:17:09,009
- three dissonant chords.
- Fuck you, dude.
435
00:17:09,042 --> 00:17:13,647
♪ Fuck you, you
stupid little cunt ♪
436
00:17:13,681 --> 00:17:16,018
♪ I don't like you ♪
437
00:17:16,284 --> 00:17:17,986
What are you
guys doing tonight?
438
00:17:18,019 --> 00:17:18,787
Um.
439
00:17:20,121 --> 00:17:22,791
I was gonna go see
your Rebecca for a bit.
440
00:17:22,824 --> 00:17:24,592
You're still
fucking your landlord?
441
00:17:24,625 --> 00:17:25,626
Landlady.
442
00:17:26,794 --> 00:17:28,397
I'm seeing this guy.
443
00:17:28,763 --> 00:17:31,065
He's sexy in like a
Skarsgard kind of way.
444
00:17:31,098 --> 00:17:32,701
- Hmm-mm.
- Mm-hmm.
445
00:17:32,733 --> 00:17:34,001
I mean, I haven't met him yet,
446
00:17:34,035 --> 00:17:36,838
but we just matched
on Crush'd, so.
447
00:17:36,871 --> 00:17:38,340
Crush'd?
448
00:17:38,373 --> 00:17:39,841
Yeah, oh, it's the
sickest new dating app.
449
00:17:39,874 --> 00:17:41,675
Tons of famous people
are on it, too.
450
00:17:41,709 --> 00:17:42,911
I've seen like maybe
the entire cast
451
00:17:42,943 --> 00:17:43,744
of "Harry Potter" on it.
452
00:17:43,778 --> 00:17:45,113
Mm?
453
00:17:45,145 --> 00:17:46,380
I'm jealous.
454
00:17:47,615 --> 00:17:48,615
What? Why?
455
00:17:48,648 --> 00:17:51,352
I don't know. I'm not.
456
00:17:51,385 --> 00:17:54,422
I'm not jealous, actually. I
don't know why I said that.
457
00:17:54,454 --> 00:17:55,689
I know why you said that.
458
00:17:55,722 --> 00:17:57,591
It's because you're
sad that you're
459
00:17:57,625 --> 00:17:58,926
- a crusty married person.
- Yeah.
460
00:17:58,960 --> 00:17:59,827
- No.
- That's definitely why
461
00:17:59,861 --> 00:18:00,995
- you said that.
- No.
462
00:18:01,028 --> 00:18:02,564
- I'm sorry.
- That's not it, I just...
463
00:18:04,464 --> 00:18:07,101
It makes me feel adult
464
00:18:07,134 --> 00:18:09,703
in a way that I
don't want to be.
465
00:18:09,737 --> 00:18:10,906
[Tori] Yeah, crusty.
466
00:18:11,472 --> 00:18:14,509
Dude, I totally get it.
467
00:18:14,541 --> 00:18:17,378
It's normal to wanna
go out and have fun.
468
00:18:18,546 --> 00:18:20,582
We're fuckin' infants.
469
00:18:20,615 --> 00:18:21,782
We're kids.
470
00:18:23,151 --> 00:18:25,620
Mama always said youth
is wasted on the young.
471
00:18:26,153 --> 00:18:27,521
That's not really relevant.
472
00:18:27,555 --> 00:18:28,523
It kind of is.
473
00:18:28,556 --> 00:18:29,723
Okay, well, it's not helpful.
474
00:18:29,757 --> 00:18:30,959
Does everything I say
I have to be helpful?
475
00:18:30,991 --> 00:18:32,527
Ideally.
476
00:18:32,559 --> 00:18:33,729
Well, I'm sorry. That's
unrealistic, sweetie.
477
00:18:36,864 --> 00:18:39,933
[gentle lighthearted music]
478
00:18:39,967 --> 00:18:41,936
Can you ask Mark
about AJ for me?
479
00:18:41,969 --> 00:18:43,571
[scoffs] Gross.
480
00:18:43,604 --> 00:18:44,939
He's hot.
481
00:18:44,971 --> 00:18:46,673
He thinks his
skin's only purpose
482
00:18:46,707 --> 00:18:48,743
is to store his muscles.
483
00:18:48,776 --> 00:18:50,678
[Tori] Yeah, exactly. [laughs]
484
00:18:50,711 --> 00:18:51,846
What about the Crush'd guy?
485
00:18:51,878 --> 00:18:54,581
I can fuck more than one
person if it's not the same day.
486
00:18:54,615 --> 00:18:55,482
Men do it all the time.
487
00:18:55,516 --> 00:18:56,785
So can woman.
488
00:18:56,817 --> 00:18:58,420
I'm agreeing with you.
489
00:18:58,452 --> 00:19:00,689
Okay, great, so we agree.
490
00:19:02,890 --> 00:19:03,958
You know, you could do it, too.
491
00:19:03,990 --> 00:19:04,858
I mean, just 'cause
you're married
492
00:19:04,892 --> 00:19:06,561
doesn't mean you
need to be monogamous
493
00:19:06,594 --> 00:19:07,863
for the rest of your life.
494
00:19:10,932 --> 00:19:12,901
For the rest of
your pussy's life.
495
00:19:12,933 --> 00:19:15,670
[playful mischievous music]
496
00:19:15,702 --> 00:19:18,072
[camera clicks]
497
00:19:25,980 --> 00:19:28,182
[door creaks]
498
00:19:30,585 --> 00:19:31,486
[Mary] Hi.
499
00:19:33,488 --> 00:19:34,089
Hello.
500
00:19:35,490 --> 00:19:36,124
[Mary] Come here.
501
00:19:37,525 --> 00:19:38,460
I can do that.
502
00:19:48,536 --> 00:19:49,170
How was your day?
503
00:19:49,202 --> 00:19:50,571
It was good.
504
00:19:51,204 --> 00:19:54,241
Kyle and AJ invited us to
their party this weekend,
505
00:19:54,275 --> 00:19:55,043
- but I-
- Babe, that was
506
00:19:55,076 --> 00:19:56,110
fully rhetorical.
507
00:19:56,143 --> 00:19:57,446
Have sex with me.
508
00:19:58,546 --> 00:20:00,749
[Mary laughs]
509
00:20:09,056 --> 00:20:11,726
[both moaning]
510
00:20:16,897 --> 00:20:18,632
Hey, I have a question.
511
00:20:18,665 --> 00:20:20,501
[Mark groans]
512
00:20:20,535 --> 00:20:21,503
Hello?
513
00:20:21,536 --> 00:20:23,037
Yeah.
514
00:20:23,069 --> 00:20:24,571
Nevermind, after.
515
00:20:24,605 --> 00:20:26,140
Okay, cool, 'cause
I'm about to come.
516
00:20:26,173 --> 00:20:27,174
What?
517
00:20:27,208 --> 00:20:28,076
Already?
518
00:20:28,108 --> 00:20:30,744
[Mark grunting]
519
00:20:32,946 --> 00:20:35,750
[groans] Oh, shit.
520
00:20:40,688 --> 00:20:43,124
You remembered to
take your pill, right?
521
00:20:43,156 --> 00:20:45,592
No, but I set
my alarm for 8:40,
522
00:20:45,625 --> 00:20:46,860
'cause I wasn't
near my bag earlier.
523
00:20:46,894 --> 00:20:47,828
Okay.
524
00:20:47,862 --> 00:20:49,998
[Mary hums]
525
00:20:53,334 --> 00:20:54,802
[Mary sighs]
526
00:20:54,835 --> 00:20:57,739
[Mark groaning]
527
00:20:57,771 --> 00:20:58,706
Oh.
528
00:21:01,675 --> 00:21:04,044
[clock ticking]
529
00:21:06,314 --> 00:21:08,316
Oh, I love you.
530
00:21:08,348 --> 00:21:10,317
I love you, too.
531
00:21:10,351 --> 00:21:15,257
[pulsing upbeat music]
[singer harmonizing]
532
00:21:18,224 --> 00:21:20,994
[water splashing]
533
00:21:21,028 --> 00:21:22,764
The steam is helping.
534
00:21:22,797 --> 00:21:23,998
What was your question?
535
00:21:24,030 --> 00:21:25,899
I said, the steam is helping.
536
00:21:25,932 --> 00:21:26,901
[Mark] No, what was the thing
537
00:21:26,933 --> 00:21:28,201
you were gonna ask me before?
538
00:21:28,234 --> 00:21:29,136
Oh.
539
00:21:29,170 --> 00:21:30,572
It's stupid.
540
00:21:30,605 --> 00:21:32,105
[Mark] Ah, I bet it wasn't.
541
00:21:32,138 --> 00:21:33,807
Nothing in your brain is stupid.
542
00:21:35,209 --> 00:21:36,878
It was just
something hypothetical
543
00:21:36,911 --> 00:21:38,580
that Tori had me thinking about.
544
00:21:38,613 --> 00:21:39,814
[Mark] Well, what was it?
545
00:21:42,750 --> 00:21:43,984
I don't know.
546
00:21:44,018 --> 00:21:45,319
[Mark] Come on, tell me.
547
00:21:47,221 --> 00:21:48,557
Okay.
548
00:21:49,423 --> 00:21:52,293
Have you ever thought about
being with someone else?
549
00:21:53,661 --> 00:21:54,729
[Mark] What do you mean?
550
00:21:55,195 --> 00:21:58,765
You know, like another girl.
551
00:21:58,798 --> 00:22:01,269
[Mark] Like bringing a third?
552
00:22:01,301 --> 00:22:03,870
[Mary] Not what I meant,
but that could be fun.
553
00:22:03,903 --> 00:22:05,339
Do you think I'm
cheating on you?
554
00:22:05,373 --> 00:22:07,808
No, no, I know you're not.
555
00:22:07,842 --> 00:22:09,044
Baby, I would never.
556
00:22:14,280 --> 00:22:17,018
I, I think a better
way to phrase it
557
00:22:17,050 --> 00:22:18,153
or, or put it would be,
558
00:22:21,021 --> 00:22:23,090
would you ever
consider an open thing?
559
00:22:23,124 --> 00:22:24,726
I don't necessarily mean now,
560
00:22:24,759 --> 00:22:27,729
but at some point in
the future, maybe?
561
00:22:27,761 --> 00:22:31,231
[Mark gasping]
[shower knob squeaking]
562
00:22:31,265 --> 00:22:32,133
[Mark] Fuck, Mary.
563
00:22:33,034 --> 00:22:34,802
Jesus.
564
00:22:34,835 --> 00:22:36,237
I knew you were too sensitive
for this conversation.
565
00:22:36,269 --> 00:22:37,771
I'm sorry, am I
overreacting to the fact
566
00:22:37,805 --> 00:22:40,408
that you wanna be
inside other people?
567
00:22:40,441 --> 00:22:42,009
You know I don't
have a penis, right?
568
00:22:42,042 --> 00:22:44,811
Whatever, I got it backwards.
You know what I mean.
569
00:22:44,845 --> 00:22:45,779
Why do you want this?
570
00:22:45,813 --> 00:22:47,048
I don't know.
571
00:22:47,080 --> 00:22:48,882
Life short. It's exciting.
572
00:22:48,915 --> 00:22:50,083
Monogamy is dumb when
you think about it.
573
00:22:50,116 --> 00:22:52,220
No, it's not.
574
00:22:52,252 --> 00:22:54,121
The only reason that
anyone is exclusive
575
00:22:54,154 --> 00:22:56,324
is because of societal
pressure to conform.
576
00:22:56,356 --> 00:22:58,725
We aren't made this
way. It's unnatural.
577
00:22:58,759 --> 00:23:00,995
That is so dumb. You have
no idea how dumb that sounds.
578
00:23:01,028 --> 00:23:02,730
Queer culture has been
doing it for centuries.
579
00:23:02,762 --> 00:23:05,032
My Aunty Carol does
it. Super happy.
580
00:23:05,066 --> 00:23:06,433
What about animals?
581
00:23:06,467 --> 00:23:08,336
I mean, animals have been
monogamous for centuries.
582
00:23:08,368 --> 00:23:10,337
We're all just animals.
Wolves, wolves are monogamous.
583
00:23:10,371 --> 00:23:12,273
- Wolves are terrifying.
- No.
584
00:23:12,306 --> 00:23:15,009
They're not. Your Aunty
Carol's terrifying.
585
00:23:15,041 --> 00:23:17,077
[sighs] Look, I'm just...
586
00:23:17,111 --> 00:23:18,746
I don't judge Aunty
Carol, it's just,
587
00:23:18,778 --> 00:23:20,181
I don't wanna be Aunty Carol.
588
00:23:22,249 --> 00:23:24,818
You were gonna ask me about
this while we were having sex?
589
00:23:24,852 --> 00:23:26,220
I thought it would be hot!
590
00:23:26,252 --> 00:23:27,821
Is nothing sacred to you?
591
00:23:27,855 --> 00:23:29,089
Okay, obviously I didn't know
592
00:23:29,123 --> 00:23:30,224
you were gonna be
this pissed off.
593
00:23:30,258 --> 00:23:32,860
You were trying to manipulate
me with your sexy socks.
594
00:23:32,893 --> 00:23:34,796
My socks have nothing
to do with this.
595
00:23:34,828 --> 00:23:36,063
I think they do.
596
00:23:36,096 --> 00:23:37,264
They don't.
597
00:23:37,298 --> 00:23:38,465
- They do.
- They don't.
598
00:23:38,499 --> 00:23:40,300
They have everything
to do with this!
599
00:23:44,471 --> 00:23:46,708
I don't like being
the little spoon.
600
00:23:46,740 --> 00:23:47,442
Then you spoon me.
601
00:23:47,474 --> 00:23:49,776
[Mark] I don't
wanna spoon you.
602
00:23:49,809 --> 00:23:51,278
I bet you do a little bit.
603
00:23:51,311 --> 00:23:52,112
I really don't.
604
00:24:02,856 --> 00:24:05,058
Being with one person
your whole life is outdated.
605
00:24:05,092 --> 00:24:06,795
I don't give a shit
if it's outdated.
606
00:24:07,795 --> 00:24:08,962
It's what we signed up for.
607
00:24:11,097 --> 00:24:12,165
And if you do give a shit,
608
00:24:12,199 --> 00:24:14,302
you probably should've told
me before we got married.
609
00:24:14,335 --> 00:24:16,304
So I'm supposed to know
everything I might want
610
00:24:16,336 --> 00:24:17,404
before I want it?
611
00:24:17,438 --> 00:24:18,206
Yeah.
612
00:24:19,973 --> 00:24:21,108
You're being immature.
613
00:24:21,142 --> 00:24:22,744
Yeah, well, you're
being a whore, so,
614
00:24:23,376 --> 00:24:24,745
we're both things.
615
00:24:30,518 --> 00:24:32,721
[Mark sighs]
616
00:24:33,953 --> 00:24:35,222
I meant metaphorically.
617
00:24:35,256 --> 00:24:37,225
I'm metaphorically
being a whore?
618
00:24:37,959 --> 00:24:39,994
[groans] Let's just,
can we go to bed?
619
00:24:42,262 --> 00:24:45,031
You asked me to be
honest with you, right?
620
00:24:45,065 --> 00:24:47,034
So how was I supposed to
talk to you about this?
621
00:24:47,067 --> 00:24:48,935
What would have been the
right way, in your mind,
622
00:24:48,969 --> 00:24:50,004
for me to bring this up?
623
00:24:51,806 --> 00:24:53,141
It's not about
you bringing up.
624
00:24:55,843 --> 00:24:57,312
It's that you're
thinking about it at all.
625
00:25:00,446 --> 00:25:03,383
[Mark sighs]
626
00:25:03,416 --> 00:25:08,021
[lamp clicks]
[bright gentle music]
627
00:25:11,057 --> 00:25:12,425
Can we talk about this now?
628
00:25:12,459 --> 00:25:13,461
Nope.
629
00:25:14,228 --> 00:25:18,065
♪ Bumblebee,
bumblebee, bumblebee ♪
630
00:25:18,097 --> 00:25:19,933
- ♪ Bumblebee ♪
- Mary, I'm trying to work.
631
00:25:19,967 --> 00:25:21,169
So am I.
632
00:25:22,236 --> 00:25:24,539
Red leather, yellow leather,
red leather, yellow leather.
633
00:25:24,571 --> 00:25:26,006
I'm not talking about it.
634
00:25:26,039 --> 00:25:27,442
I didn't ask.
635
00:25:28,843 --> 00:25:31,211
[Mary trilling]
636
00:25:36,884 --> 00:25:38,286
How about now?
637
00:25:38,318 --> 00:25:39,921
No.
638
00:25:39,953 --> 00:25:40,587
But-
639
00:25:40,621 --> 00:25:41,322
- Still a no.
640
00:25:50,163 --> 00:25:51,065
I don't get what you are.
641
00:25:54,300 --> 00:25:55,302
I'm myself.
642
00:25:55,336 --> 00:25:57,806
Huh. I don't get it.
643
00:25:58,539 --> 00:26:00,106
[Mary] What are
you supposed to be?
644
00:26:00,140 --> 00:26:01,376
A guy with the
better mustache.
645
00:26:02,643 --> 00:26:05,078
[Mary laughs]
646
00:26:07,013 --> 00:26:08,315
I did some googling,
647
00:26:08,348 --> 00:26:09,850
and it's usually called
ethical non-monogamy,
648
00:26:09,884 --> 00:26:11,853
if you wanted to do some
research before we talk.
649
00:26:11,885 --> 00:26:13,086
You're already googling?
650
00:26:17,223 --> 00:26:19,527
[soft music]
651
00:26:23,663 --> 00:26:27,902
♪ All the lights are
flashin' in red ♪
652
00:26:27,934 --> 00:26:31,538
♪ Paradise is full ♪
653
00:26:31,571 --> 00:26:34,307
♪ Ah, but don't
it look just how ♪
654
00:26:34,340 --> 00:26:35,408
Thanks.
655
00:26:35,442 --> 00:26:39,512
♪ You dreamed it would ♪
656
00:26:39,546 --> 00:26:42,450
♪ Hold me close, say you will ♪
657
00:26:42,482 --> 00:26:44,417
I always safer when I
have a female driver.
658
00:26:44,451 --> 00:26:47,654
Oh my god, thank
you. [giggles]
659
00:26:47,688 --> 00:26:49,357
Are we gonna be that
problem couple at the party
660
00:26:49,390 --> 00:26:50,658
that brings tense vibes?
661
00:26:50,691 --> 00:26:52,626
I was wondering
the same thing.
662
00:26:52,660 --> 00:26:54,327
Oh, no, this is
our conversation now.
663
00:26:54,361 --> 00:26:56,597
Oh, totally. I'm sorry.
664
00:26:56,630 --> 00:26:58,666
That is not the first time
I've heard that. [laughs]
665
00:26:58,699 --> 00:26:59,500
I don't know.
666
00:27:00,334 --> 00:27:01,269
I guess we are.
667
00:27:03,103 --> 00:27:04,439
All right, fine. Fuck it.
668
00:27:05,571 --> 00:27:06,640
What?
669
00:27:06,673 --> 00:27:07,875
I give up.
670
00:27:09,276 --> 00:27:11,246
You wanna fuck someone
else so badly, Mary,
671
00:27:12,413 --> 00:27:13,981
give it a shot.
672
00:27:14,582 --> 00:27:18,286
Seriously, give it a shot.
We're goin' to a party.
673
00:27:18,853 --> 00:27:20,988
You could find yourself
a dick or vagina,
674
00:27:21,020 --> 00:27:23,691
or whatever it is that's
on trend these days.
675
00:27:23,723 --> 00:27:25,425
Go follow the zeitgeist.
676
00:27:25,459 --> 00:27:27,961
Am I looking for
an apartment or-
677
00:27:27,994 --> 00:27:29,129
- You're overreacting.
678
00:27:29,163 --> 00:27:30,330
Yeah, well, you're
being too woke.
679
00:27:30,364 --> 00:27:31,298
That's not a bad thing.
680
00:27:31,332 --> 00:27:32,333
Mm.
681
00:27:32,365 --> 00:27:35,368
[cellphone ringing]
682
00:27:35,402 --> 00:27:38,206
[cellphone chimes]
683
00:27:40,240 --> 00:27:41,942
[Mary] Fuck, where is it?
684
00:27:41,976 --> 00:27:43,010
Did you forget it?
685
00:27:43,042 --> 00:27:44,077
[Mary] No, I'm getting it.
686
00:27:47,448 --> 00:27:50,518
♪ Tonight I'm really living ♪
687
00:27:50,550 --> 00:27:52,086
♪ I'm a vampire again ♪
688
00:27:52,118 --> 00:27:54,387
To my boys.
[glasses clinking]
689
00:27:54,421 --> 00:27:55,456
Fuck Mary.
690
00:27:56,190 --> 00:27:57,124
What?
691
00:27:57,156 --> 00:27:58,326
Fuck her.
692
00:27:58,358 --> 00:28:00,327
[Kyle] We talking to
the same Mark right now?
693
00:28:01,729 --> 00:28:02,630
- Oh, gracias.
- Jesus.
694
00:28:02,663 --> 00:28:04,198
- Hey.
- Cool.
695
00:28:04,230 --> 00:28:06,166
Who's here? What
girls are here?
696
00:28:06,200 --> 00:28:09,036
What a little
bitch. Fuck Mark.
697
00:28:09,068 --> 00:28:10,070
What?
698
00:28:10,104 --> 00:28:11,005
Fuck him.
699
00:28:11,038 --> 00:28:12,339
What's going on?
700
00:28:12,373 --> 00:28:15,576
Look at him with his
boyfriends and his little curls,
701
00:28:15,608 --> 00:28:17,544
'cause he just bought
new conditioner.
702
00:28:17,577 --> 00:28:20,181
I'm lost. Can you elaborate?
703
00:28:20,213 --> 00:28:23,550
You know what, I took your
advice, so fuck you, too.
704
00:28:23,584 --> 00:28:25,219
What advice? What did I do?
705
00:28:34,161 --> 00:28:36,297
Yeah, what about her?
706
00:28:36,329 --> 00:28:38,098
You think she would talk to me?
707
00:28:38,132 --> 00:28:39,333
Can you please
not make my party
708
00:28:39,365 --> 00:28:40,334
- about-
- Our party.
709
00:28:40,366 --> 00:28:41,434
- It's our party.
- Really?
710
00:28:41,468 --> 00:28:42,269
We threw it together.
711
00:28:42,301 --> 00:28:43,570
- Okay.
- Yeah.
712
00:28:43,604 --> 00:28:44,471
- Split the cost and everything.
- Okay, I got.
713
00:28:44,505 --> 00:28:46,240
Can you not make our party-
714
00:28:46,272 --> 00:28:47,207
- Thank you.
715
00:28:47,240 --> 00:28:48,509
about making Mary jealous?
716
00:28:48,541 --> 00:28:49,609
I'm not tryin' to
make her jealous.
717
00:28:49,643 --> 00:28:51,144
Oh really?
718
00:28:51,178 --> 00:28:52,347
Then what are you trying to do?
719
00:28:55,182 --> 00:28:56,116
What is that?
720
00:28:58,285 --> 00:28:59,620
Okay.
721
00:28:59,653 --> 00:29:00,520
Go do that.
722
00:29:03,257 --> 00:29:05,226
What's up?
723
00:29:05,259 --> 00:29:06,426
[Bunny] What are you?
724
00:29:06,460 --> 00:29:09,430
Oh, I got like two, I got
another mustache on my mustache.
725
00:29:09,462 --> 00:29:11,132
- Ah. [laughs]
- Better mustache.
726
00:29:11,164 --> 00:29:12,500
I can't believe how
transparent he's being.
727
00:29:12,532 --> 00:29:14,467
He looks more drunk
than transparent.
728
00:29:14,500 --> 00:29:15,569
[Mark] What should I do?
729
00:29:16,636 --> 00:29:17,637
Nothing.
730
00:29:17,671 --> 00:29:18,706
What?
731
00:29:18,739 --> 00:29:20,441
There's nothing you can do.
732
00:29:20,473 --> 00:29:22,076
That's helpful.
733
00:29:22,108 --> 00:29:24,611
Stop saying I'm not
helpful by saying I'm helpful
734
00:29:24,644 --> 00:29:26,480
when I'm just trying
to be helpful.
735
00:29:26,512 --> 00:29:30,583
My husband is drunk, talking
to some random hot girl.
736
00:29:30,616 --> 00:29:33,153
Yeah, I'm pretty sure
she's not down anymore.
737
00:29:33,186 --> 00:29:34,421
I don't think
she was ever down.
738
00:29:34,454 --> 00:29:35,789
Mm, she was a
little down at first,
739
00:29:35,823 --> 00:29:37,291
and then I sent
her the dick pic,
740
00:29:37,324 --> 00:29:39,493
and I don't think
she's down anymore.
741
00:29:39,526 --> 00:29:41,095
I'm gonna go find AJ. Peace.
742
00:29:41,127 --> 00:29:43,630
She's coming, she's
coming, shut the fuck up.
743
00:29:43,663 --> 00:29:45,566
[AJ clears throat]
744
00:29:45,598 --> 00:29:46,500
Hey.
745
00:29:47,334 --> 00:29:48,236
Sup?
746
00:29:50,570 --> 00:29:51,338
Oh.
747
00:29:57,510 --> 00:29:58,745
[Bunny laughs]
748
00:29:58,778 --> 00:29:59,680
So you like animals?
749
00:29:59,712 --> 00:30:03,616
Yeah. I, like, I love animals.
750
00:30:03,650 --> 00:30:07,421
Me too. You know,
I walk dogs, so.
751
00:30:07,453 --> 00:30:08,321
Like for fun?
752
00:30:10,124 --> 00:30:11,092
Yeah.
753
00:30:11,125 --> 00:30:13,661
That's cool. [laughs]
754
00:30:13,693 --> 00:30:15,361
I have a schnauzer.
755
00:30:15,394 --> 00:30:16,363
Oh, that's a great breed.
756
00:30:16,395 --> 00:30:17,464
Yeah. Thanks.
757
00:30:17,498 --> 00:30:18,432
- Great dogs.
- They're cool.
758
00:30:18,464 --> 00:30:19,332
Uh-huh.
759
00:30:24,505 --> 00:30:27,341
[light upbeat music]
760
00:30:38,919 --> 00:30:41,522
So what have you
been up to lately?
761
00:30:41,555 --> 00:30:44,525
Well, actually,
it's my birthday week.
762
00:30:44,557 --> 00:30:47,827
So I have a couple little
fun things planned.
763
00:30:47,861 --> 00:30:49,763
Oh, nice.
764
00:30:49,796 --> 00:30:51,132
Happy birthday.
765
00:30:51,164 --> 00:30:52,199
Thanks.
766
00:30:52,231 --> 00:30:53,166
Where's my cake?
767
00:30:53,200 --> 00:30:54,735
I don't know you, so.
768
00:30:59,539 --> 00:31:01,741
So are you, like,
tryin' to do this?
769
00:31:01,775 --> 00:31:03,177
Do what?
770
00:31:03,210 --> 00:31:04,678
[laughs] The whole,
771
00:31:04,711 --> 00:31:08,382
"We just met at a party,
let's fuck," thing.
772
00:31:13,686 --> 00:31:15,755
Yes.
773
00:31:15,788 --> 00:31:16,656
Mm-hmm.
774
00:31:17,523 --> 00:31:18,892
Hmm.
775
00:31:18,925 --> 00:31:23,196
[singers harmonizing faintly]
776
00:31:23,230 --> 00:31:27,868
♪ So I turn my head ♪
777
00:31:29,603 --> 00:31:32,173
♪ To look again ♪
778
00:31:35,576 --> 00:31:38,211
[music swells]
779
00:31:42,348 --> 00:31:44,684
[Bunny gasping]
780
00:31:53,626 --> 00:31:54,627
[Mark sobs]
781
00:31:54,661 --> 00:31:55,763
Whoa, whoa, oh my god, okay.
782
00:31:55,796 --> 00:31:56,663
No, I'm okay.
783
00:31:56,696 --> 00:31:57,730
Oh, uh.
784
00:31:57,763 --> 00:31:58,798
This is okay, right?
785
00:31:58,832 --> 00:32:00,201
- Mm-hmm.
- Do you like it?
786
00:32:00,233 --> 00:32:01,434
Do you like this?
787
00:32:02,501 --> 00:32:04,637
I don't, um...
788
00:32:04,671 --> 00:32:05,838
Really, it's okay.
789
00:32:05,872 --> 00:32:06,974
- No, you-
- I just need a second.
790
00:32:07,007 --> 00:32:08,475
[Bunny] Yeah, yeah.
791
00:32:08,508 --> 00:32:10,577
[Mark groans]
792
00:32:10,611 --> 00:32:12,278
I feel kind of...
793
00:32:12,311 --> 00:32:13,680
- Okay.
- Do you have some water?
794
00:32:13,713 --> 00:32:16,282
Yeah, yeah, yeah, let's, uh...
795
00:32:16,316 --> 00:32:17,384
Let's...
796
00:32:29,563 --> 00:32:31,866
[Mark sighing]
797
00:32:33,634 --> 00:32:36,336
[bed creaking]
798
00:32:37,570 --> 00:32:38,772
You're awake, right?
799
00:32:41,008 --> 00:32:41,976
Yeah.
800
00:32:42,808 --> 00:32:43,711
Cool.
801
00:32:45,679 --> 00:32:47,881
Why? Did you want me
to be asleep for this?
802
00:32:47,913 --> 00:32:50,483
No, I don't want you to be
asleep if I'm jerking off.
803
00:32:52,451 --> 00:32:53,787
I kind of feel like
it'd be more normal
804
00:32:53,819 --> 00:32:55,388
if I was asleep for this.
805
00:32:56,056 --> 00:32:58,491
But you're like a
participant. I don't know.
806
00:32:59,625 --> 00:33:01,695
How, how am I participating?
807
00:33:03,430 --> 00:33:04,865
You're in bed with me,
808
00:33:08,434 --> 00:33:09,436
breathing.
809
00:33:10,537 --> 00:33:11,838
Breathing?
810
00:33:11,872 --> 00:33:14,908
You know, like,
you're with me.
811
00:33:14,941 --> 00:33:17,745
I'm thinking about you, and
you're fully here for it.
812
00:33:19,378 --> 00:33:21,514
This is adjacent to what
we were gonna do anyway.
813
00:33:23,817 --> 00:33:25,019
Should I stop?
814
00:33:25,051 --> 00:33:26,353
I don't really care.
815
00:33:34,361 --> 00:33:37,730
[clock ticking]
816
00:33:37,763 --> 00:33:40,700
[gentle pensive music]
817
00:33:52,479 --> 00:33:55,481
♪ All that I want is ♪
818
00:33:55,515 --> 00:33:59,353
♪ A pair of wing to fly ♪
819
00:33:59,385 --> 00:34:02,388
♪ Into the blue of ♪
820
00:34:02,422 --> 00:34:05,793
♪ The wide open sky ♪
821
00:34:05,826 --> 00:34:08,929
♪ Show me your scars ♪
822
00:34:08,961 --> 00:34:12,766
♪ I'll show you mine ♪
823
00:34:12,798 --> 00:34:14,567
♪ Perched out of the city ♪
824
00:34:14,601 --> 00:34:19,573
♪ On a pair of power lines ♪
825
00:34:20,005 --> 00:34:23,009
♪ Ooh-ooh ♪
826
00:34:23,043 --> 00:34:25,079
♪ Ooh-ooh ♪
827
00:34:30,150 --> 00:34:34,989
♪ Ooh-ooh ♪
[Mary sniffles]
828
00:34:37,923 --> 00:34:41,896
[moves to soft
suspenseful music]
829
00:34:46,833 --> 00:34:49,603
[knuckles rapping]
830
00:34:53,873 --> 00:34:56,710
[light playful music]
831
00:35:09,688 --> 00:35:11,692
I just jerked off.
That's not anything.
832
00:35:11,724 --> 00:35:12,559
I mean...
833
00:35:13,527 --> 00:35:14,528
Right?
834
00:35:20,199 --> 00:35:22,502
[Mark sighs]
835
00:35:24,871 --> 00:35:26,073
I wasn't fat.
836
00:35:27,072 --> 00:35:28,641
I've never been fat.
837
00:35:32,112 --> 00:35:34,682
[Mark grunting]
838
00:35:36,583 --> 00:35:37,818
[Mark groans]
839
00:35:37,851 --> 00:35:38,919
What do you think I should do?
840
00:35:39,985 --> 00:35:41,388
Am I closed-minded?
841
00:35:42,088 --> 00:35:43,657
Should we be open?
842
00:35:44,157 --> 00:35:45,659
Are birds monogamous?
843
00:35:46,827 --> 00:35:47,862
Answer me.
844
00:35:51,630 --> 00:35:53,000
What am I doing?
845
00:35:53,032 --> 00:35:56,871
[light playful music continues]
846
00:36:05,244 --> 00:36:06,179
[footsteps shuffling]
847
00:36:06,213 --> 00:36:09,650
[door rattling]
848
00:36:09,682 --> 00:36:11,451
Hey.
849
00:36:11,485 --> 00:36:13,487
[sighs] I'm so sorry.
850
00:36:15,688 --> 00:36:16,589
Me too.
851
00:36:18,925 --> 00:36:21,695
[Mark sighs]
852
00:36:32,572 --> 00:36:34,907
Can I have an Oreo?
853
00:36:34,940 --> 00:36:36,676
Of course you
can have an Oreo.
854
00:36:45,751 --> 00:36:47,688
I love you.
855
00:36:49,956 --> 00:36:51,858
I love you so much.
856
00:36:54,661 --> 00:36:57,831
[both sniffling]
857
00:36:57,864 --> 00:36:58,965
I'm really, really sorry.
858
00:37:00,065 --> 00:37:01,067
Why?
859
00:37:01,101 --> 00:37:02,736
I don't know what I was doing.
860
00:37:06,206 --> 00:37:07,641
Was work okay?
861
00:37:08,240 --> 00:37:09,242
It was fine.
862
00:37:10,809 --> 00:37:11,945
How many Oreos did you eat?
863
00:37:11,978 --> 00:37:12,880
I don't know.
864
00:37:12,913 --> 00:37:15,782
[Mary laughs]
865
00:37:15,815 --> 00:37:17,617
[Mark sobs]
866
00:37:17,650 --> 00:37:22,222
[pulsing upbeat music]
[singer harmonizing]
867
00:37:23,822 --> 00:37:25,291
Okay.
868
00:37:25,324 --> 00:37:28,694
If we're gonna do this,
then no ex-boyfriends.
869
00:37:28,728 --> 00:37:30,163
No ex-girlfriends.
870
00:37:30,195 --> 00:37:31,130
I'm not even friends
with any of them
871
00:37:31,164 --> 00:37:32,666
other than, like, on Instagram.
872
00:37:32,699 --> 00:37:33,666
I'm nervous.
873
00:37:33,699 --> 00:37:35,034
Me too.
874
00:37:35,068 --> 00:37:36,703
Hey, guys, I'm Melanie.
I'll be your server.
875
00:37:36,735 --> 00:37:37,971
Can you get you started
with some drinks?
876
00:37:38,003 --> 00:37:39,139
Wine, any wine.
877
00:37:39,172 --> 00:37:40,206
Gin.
878
00:37:40,239 --> 00:37:41,741
[Melanie] Okay.
879
00:37:42,775 --> 00:37:44,877
[Mark sighs]
880
00:37:44,911 --> 00:37:46,246
What else?
881
00:37:46,278 --> 00:37:48,681
Uh, no having sex
with someone more than
882
00:37:49,815 --> 00:37:50,650
five times.
883
00:37:51,684 --> 00:37:52,652
Three times.
884
00:37:52,686 --> 00:37:53,954
Four times.
885
00:37:53,987 --> 00:37:56,757
This is a priority
relationship, always.
886
00:37:56,789 --> 00:37:59,058
Yeah, so no preexisting
fuck-buddies with baggage.
887
00:37:59,092 --> 00:38:00,727
That sounds like a disease.
888
00:38:00,760 --> 00:38:02,696
[Mark] Speaking of
diseases, no diseases.
889
00:38:02,728 --> 00:38:04,897
Yes, always use a condom.
890
00:38:04,931 --> 00:38:06,066
That goes for you, too.
891
00:38:06,099 --> 00:38:08,902
Yeah, obviously, I'm not
bringing home random chlamydia.
892
00:38:08,934 --> 00:38:10,971
Is random chlamydia any different
than regular chlamydi...
893
00:38:11,003 --> 00:38:12,838
Stop writing down band names.
894
00:38:12,871 --> 00:38:15,074
We are Random Chlamydia!
895
00:38:15,108 --> 00:38:17,010
I'm serious, no
gonorrhea, no herp.
896
00:38:17,043 --> 00:38:18,979
Why are you whispering?
897
00:38:19,012 --> 00:38:20,314
I don't know, I just...
898
00:38:20,347 --> 00:38:21,949
I really, really don't
want any of these things.
899
00:38:21,981 --> 00:38:23,182
Then it's settled.
900
00:38:23,215 --> 00:38:25,818
Rule number three is
always use protection.
901
00:38:26,686 --> 00:38:27,788
What do we do about...
902
00:38:27,820 --> 00:38:28,822
What?
903
00:38:28,855 --> 00:38:30,090
My latex allergy.
904
00:38:30,123 --> 00:38:31,657
Suck it up.
905
00:38:31,690 --> 00:38:34,093
The non-latex ones don't
protect against STDs.
906
00:38:34,126 --> 00:38:35,996
It's something to do
with the spores, I guess.
907
00:38:36,028 --> 00:38:37,764
I am not gonna have rash peen.
908
00:38:37,797 --> 00:38:39,932
Oh my god, you're killing
me with these good band names.
909
00:38:39,965 --> 00:38:41,067
Mary, please.
910
00:38:42,668 --> 00:38:44,136
Okay, well, there
has to be another way.
911
00:38:44,170 --> 00:38:46,173
Well, I think there's
non-latex ones that do work,
912
00:38:46,206 --> 00:38:47,941
but you have to special
order them from Canada or-
913
00:38:47,974 --> 00:38:49,309
- Yeah, Canada Peen!
914
00:38:51,378 --> 00:38:52,980
- [Melanie] Hi.
- [Mary] Hi.
915
00:38:53,012 --> 00:38:54,280
[Melanie] Need another
minute with the menu?
916
00:38:54,313 --> 00:38:55,815
Yeah, that'd be great.
917
00:38:55,849 --> 00:38:56,750
Of course.
918
00:38:57,717 --> 00:38:58,952
I got one.
919
00:38:58,985 --> 00:38:59,887
How about no, um...
920
00:39:03,422 --> 00:39:05,191
[Mary] What?
921
00:39:05,224 --> 00:39:07,661
Suckin' on
people's, uh, stuff.
922
00:39:08,728 --> 00:39:10,030
[Mary] Suckin' a dick?
923
00:39:10,063 --> 00:39:12,398
Suckin' a dick. I
won't suck-a the clit.
924
00:39:12,431 --> 00:39:13,700
Right. Yes.
925
00:39:15,034 --> 00:39:17,237
Out of curiosity, why?
926
00:39:17,269 --> 00:39:19,873
That's our thing, you
know, wanna keep it special.
927
00:39:21,141 --> 00:39:23,943
Yeah. It's really special.
928
00:39:24,577 --> 00:39:27,247
Yours is the only
one I've ever sucked.
929
00:39:27,280 --> 00:39:28,215
Okay.
930
00:39:28,248 --> 00:39:29,816
[Mary] I don't even...
931
00:39:29,849 --> 00:39:31,652
I'd never even seen a dick
before yours, actually.
932
00:39:33,452 --> 00:39:35,155
[Mary laughs]
933
00:39:35,487 --> 00:39:36,756
[Mark] Anything else?
934
00:39:36,789 --> 00:39:37,358
Hmm.
935
00:39:38,824 --> 00:39:41,894
Should we tell each other stuff?
936
00:39:41,927 --> 00:39:43,029
We already are.
937
00:39:43,063 --> 00:39:44,999
I mean, like,
when stuff happens.
938
00:39:47,099 --> 00:39:49,068
Mm. [laughs]
939
00:39:49,101 --> 00:39:51,070
I don't wanna know about
you with other people.
940
00:39:51,103 --> 00:39:53,039
Like, we keep this part
of our lives separate?
941
00:39:53,072 --> 00:39:56,108
Yeah. We need a policy
like that to keep our sanity.
942
00:39:56,141 --> 00:39:57,810
I don't know, I think
being honest with each other
943
00:39:57,844 --> 00:39:59,146
would be the best
in the long run.
944
00:40:02,916 --> 00:40:06,153
I mean, I wanna know
who you're with.
945
00:40:06,186 --> 00:40:07,921
You really do? You wanna know?
946
00:40:07,954 --> 00:40:09,189
I think so.
947
00:40:11,324 --> 00:40:12,693
Okay.
948
00:40:13,226 --> 00:40:15,362
I'll tell you, and
you don't tell me.
949
00:40:16,396 --> 00:40:17,231
I guess.
950
00:40:19,298 --> 00:40:20,934
Oh my god.
951
00:40:20,967 --> 00:40:21,934
[glass thuds]
952
00:40:22,869 --> 00:40:24,738
[Mark groans]
953
00:40:24,771 --> 00:40:25,906
One more rule.
954
00:40:26,672 --> 00:40:28,841
It's the most
important one for me.
955
00:40:28,875 --> 00:40:30,409
We do this as a trial run.
956
00:40:30,443 --> 00:40:32,345
This is not a
forever thing, okay.
957
00:40:32,378 --> 00:40:34,081
This is a "see if
we like it" thing.
958
00:40:34,114 --> 00:40:35,449
And if one of us
doesn't like it,
959
00:40:35,481 --> 00:40:37,349
then we can go back
to being just us.
960
00:40:37,382 --> 00:40:39,852
Yeah, that seems fair.
961
00:40:39,885 --> 00:40:41,021
You promise?
962
00:40:42,789 --> 00:40:43,824
I promise.
963
00:40:45,824 --> 00:40:46,926
Mm-hmm.
964
00:40:47,193 --> 00:40:48,461
- Mm-hmm.
- You know what to do.
965
00:40:48,494 --> 00:40:50,230
Take it home, baby.
966
00:40:50,262 --> 00:40:51,831
Yeah.
967
00:40:51,864 --> 00:40:54,133
[energetic music]
968
00:40:54,166 --> 00:40:55,702
What do I put for profession?
969
00:40:57,170 --> 00:40:58,238
Entrepreneur?
970
00:40:58,271 --> 00:40:59,339
Mm-hmm.
971
00:40:59,371 --> 00:41:00,473
Fuck, dude, that's good.
972
00:41:00,507 --> 00:41:01,942
What do you do again?
973
00:41:01,974 --> 00:41:02,976
I'm an entrepreneur.
974
00:41:05,043 --> 00:41:06,012
Should I put singer?
975
00:41:08,380 --> 00:41:10,250
That does sound dumb.
976
00:41:10,282 --> 00:41:13,152
That does sound dumb. You
should put businesswoman.
977
00:41:13,186 --> 00:41:14,888
No, that sounds way more dumb.
978
00:41:14,920 --> 00:41:15,888
[Lana coughs]
979
00:41:15,922 --> 00:41:17,224
Okay, I'm leaving it blank.
980
00:41:17,257 --> 00:41:18,825
It's mysterious.
981
00:41:18,858 --> 00:41:20,393
You should put broke.
982
00:41:20,425 --> 00:41:22,795
Yeah, then we should
add that you're married.
983
00:41:22,829 --> 00:41:24,097
[both laugh]
984
00:41:24,130 --> 00:41:26,867
Should I put, like, taken
and looking for friends?
985
00:41:26,900 --> 00:41:28,268
No, you're not
looking for friends,
986
00:41:28,300 --> 00:41:29,902
and you don't need to
put that many details.
987
00:41:29,936 --> 00:41:31,037
You don't need
to find friends.
988
00:41:31,070 --> 00:41:32,305
'Cause we're your friends.
989
00:41:32,338 --> 00:41:33,774
I'm just looking
for something casual,
990
00:41:33,806 --> 00:41:35,407
and I feel like I should
be up-front about that.
991
00:41:35,440 --> 00:41:37,176
- So is everybody.
- [Mark] Everybody's what?
992
00:41:37,210 --> 00:41:39,179
Shit. You need a picture.
993
00:41:39,211 --> 00:41:40,780
Whatever you do, make
sure you use the photo
994
00:41:40,813 --> 00:41:42,181
with the margarita
and the tank top.
995
00:41:42,215 --> 00:41:44,351
You should use the
photo from Halloween
996
00:41:44,384 --> 00:41:46,219
the year before last year.
997
00:41:46,251 --> 00:41:47,320
[Mary] With the knife?
998
00:41:47,353 --> 00:41:48,989
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
999
00:41:49,021 --> 00:41:50,389
You don't think
it's a little scary?
1000
00:41:50,422 --> 00:41:51,257
No, I do not.
1001
00:41:51,291 --> 00:41:52,459
Mm-mm.
1002
00:41:52,492 --> 00:41:53,560
There's blood on
the knife, though.
1003
00:41:53,592 --> 00:41:55,261
Dude, guys love fear.
1004
00:41:55,295 --> 00:41:56,195
Yeah.
1005
00:41:56,228 --> 00:41:57,897
They love that shit.
1006
00:41:57,931 --> 00:41:59,965
♪ Photo shoot, photo shoot ♪
1007
00:41:59,998 --> 00:42:01,867
♪ We're gonna do a photo shoot ♪
1008
00:42:01,900 --> 00:42:03,036
Smile.
1009
00:42:03,068 --> 00:42:03,737
No, I don't look
good right now.
1010
00:42:03,769 --> 00:42:05,237
I don't sleep well after wine.
1011
00:42:05,271 --> 00:42:07,240
♪ Yeah, you do, you
look fuckin' great ♪
1012
00:42:07,273 --> 00:42:08,975
♪ Let's do a photo shoot ♪
1013
00:42:09,007 --> 00:42:10,442
- [camera clicking]
- Wait.
1014
00:42:10,476 --> 00:42:11,211
Okay.
1015
00:42:12,211 --> 00:42:13,280
Oh shit.
1016
00:42:13,313 --> 00:42:15,115
[Both] Um.
1017
00:42:15,148 --> 00:42:17,317
If someone fucks with you,
you take that big knife,
1018
00:42:17,349 --> 00:42:21,420
put it up to his face and
be like, I'm gonna stab you.
1019
00:42:21,454 --> 00:42:25,392
I'm gonna st-st-stab
you. I'm gonna stab you.
1020
00:42:25,425 --> 00:42:27,527
I'm gonna st-st-st-stab you.
1021
00:42:27,559 --> 00:42:29,596
I'm gonna stab you, mm.
1022
00:42:29,628 --> 00:42:33,032
I'm gonna st-st-st-stab
you, I'm...
1023
00:42:33,065 --> 00:42:35,067
This looks like
something else.
1024
00:42:35,101 --> 00:42:36,970
Once more. Maybe wet
the 'stache a little bit.
1025
00:42:37,003 --> 00:42:38,338
Don't do that. Don't
wet your 'stache.
1026
00:42:38,371 --> 00:42:40,840
[camera clicking]
1027
00:42:40,873 --> 00:42:42,308
Let me see it.
1028
00:42:42,342 --> 00:42:43,443
Huh.
1029
00:42:43,476 --> 00:42:45,244
What?
1030
00:42:45,277 --> 00:42:46,111
[chuckles] I don't know how
you did it, but it got worse.
1031
00:42:46,144 --> 00:42:47,347
[both laughing]
1032
00:42:53,253 --> 00:42:54,922
[Mark groans]
1033
00:43:01,293 --> 00:43:02,929
[Mark] I made an account,
1034
00:43:03,730 --> 00:43:05,965
on that Crush'd thing,
whatever you call it.
1035
00:43:05,998 --> 00:43:07,600
Thank god. So did I.
1036
00:43:09,302 --> 00:43:10,871
It feels good to tell you.
1037
00:43:10,903 --> 00:43:12,338
Yeah, it does. I
feel a lot better.
1038
00:43:13,907 --> 00:43:15,075
You have to show me yours.
1039
00:43:15,108 --> 00:43:16,276
Only if I can see yours, too.
1040
00:43:19,612 --> 00:43:21,081
[sighs] Oh my god.
1041
00:43:21,114 --> 00:43:24,050
[cellphones beeping]
1042
00:43:25,652 --> 00:43:28,021
This shit so embarrassing.
1043
00:43:28,054 --> 00:43:30,423
Okay, on the count of three.
1044
00:43:30,456 --> 00:43:32,057
- Three, two, one.
- One, two, three.
1045
00:43:32,090 --> 00:43:33,359
[cellphones beep]
1046
00:43:33,393 --> 00:43:35,028
Mark, this picture is bad.
1047
00:43:35,061 --> 00:43:36,296
You have a knife in yours.
1048
00:43:36,329 --> 00:43:37,664
- Are you kidding me?
- It's a costume.
1049
00:43:37,697 --> 00:43:40,066
Well, it is scary.
1050
00:43:40,099 --> 00:43:41,434
But in a hot way, right?
1051
00:43:41,467 --> 00:43:43,670
No, in like a weird
internet person way.
1052
00:43:43,702 --> 00:43:47,539
Like, I cosplay and eat
strawberry yogurt at the mall.
1053
00:43:47,572 --> 00:43:49,308
- What?
- I love virtual reality.
1054
00:43:49,342 --> 00:43:50,943
I can't believe yours says
1055
00:43:50,976 --> 00:43:52,411
you went to The Center for
Kids Who Can't Read Good.
1056
00:43:52,445 --> 00:43:54,347
You know I love "Zoolander."
1057
00:43:54,380 --> 00:43:57,182
You cannot quote "Zoolander"
on here, immediate turnoff.
1058
00:43:57,215 --> 00:43:58,150
It's better than nothing.
1059
00:43:58,184 --> 00:43:59,352
I'm being mysterious.
1060
00:43:59,385 --> 00:44:00,253
No one's gonna know
what to write you.
1061
00:44:00,286 --> 00:44:02,255
There's no material
for an icebreaker.
1062
00:44:02,722 --> 00:44:03,557
Shit.
1063
00:44:04,523 --> 00:44:07,027
I didn't think about that.
1064
00:44:07,059 --> 00:44:09,228
[upbeat music]
1065
00:44:09,262 --> 00:44:10,463
[camera clicking]
1066
00:44:10,496 --> 00:44:13,166
Hmm, okay, now mess up
your hair a little bit.
1067
00:44:13,199 --> 00:44:14,668
I don't wanna look like
I just fucked my husband.
1068
00:44:14,701 --> 00:44:16,202
But you did just
fuck your husband.
1069
00:44:16,235 --> 00:44:17,570
You know what I'm saying.
1070
00:44:17,603 --> 00:44:19,606
Do I? Everything's
backwards right now.
1071
00:44:19,639 --> 00:44:22,442
I'm making my own wife look
more fuckable for other men.
1072
00:44:22,474 --> 00:44:25,177
[Mary] A lot of girls do
this one, like a butt shot.
1073
00:44:26,378 --> 00:44:28,347
Ooh, you're so sexy.
1074
00:44:28,380 --> 00:44:30,349
Take a bite. Take a bite.
1075
00:44:30,382 --> 00:44:32,484
Okay, hold on. Let
me do virgin face.
1076
00:44:32,518 --> 00:44:34,320
It's my first time.
1077
00:44:34,353 --> 00:44:38,023
Hmph, my parents are gonna
come home soon. [sighs]
1078
00:44:38,056 --> 00:44:40,025
[Mark laughs]
[camera clicking]
1079
00:44:40,059 --> 00:44:41,995
[groans] You're blinding me.
1080
00:44:42,027 --> 00:44:43,329
It looks good. Trust me.
1081
00:44:43,362 --> 00:44:44,463
Am I gonna have laser eyes?
1082
00:44:44,496 --> 00:44:46,298
I can edit it.
1083
00:44:46,331 --> 00:44:47,666
Make your sex face.
1084
00:44:47,699 --> 00:44:49,068
You're an animal.
1085
00:44:49,101 --> 00:44:50,069
[Mark purrs]
1086
00:44:50,103 --> 00:44:51,171
[Mary] Okay, one Zoolander,
1087
00:44:51,204 --> 00:44:52,739
'cause I know you're
dying to do it.
1088
00:44:52,771 --> 00:44:54,273
Jesus Christ.
1089
00:44:54,474 --> 00:44:55,442
Okay, I can't do this.
1090
00:44:55,474 --> 00:44:56,375
I hate it. I hate it.
1091
00:44:59,344 --> 00:45:02,081
Hey. [chuckles]
1092
00:45:02,114 --> 00:45:02,715
I look good.
1093
00:45:02,748 --> 00:45:03,482
See.
1094
00:45:05,018 --> 00:45:06,385
[bright playful music]
1095
00:45:06,418 --> 00:45:07,453
[Mark laughs]
1096
00:45:07,487 --> 00:45:10,356
- You're gettin' pussy.
- Yeah.
1097
00:45:10,389 --> 00:45:12,424
[both laughing]
1098
00:45:12,458 --> 00:45:14,059
Okay, you can do another one.
1099
00:45:14,092 --> 00:45:15,995
♪ Oh, you the queen ♪
1100
00:45:16,028 --> 00:45:17,130
♪ You're the king ♪
1101
00:45:17,163 --> 00:45:19,431
♪ We got our aces out ♪
1102
00:45:19,465 --> 00:45:20,567
♪ You the queen ♪
1103
00:45:20,599 --> 00:45:21,433
♪ You're the king ♪
1104
00:45:21,467 --> 00:45:23,570
♪ We got out aces out ♪
1105
00:45:23,603 --> 00:45:27,039
♪ Roll the dice on tonight,
go and roll 'em out ♪
1106
00:45:27,072 --> 00:45:28,674
♪ Huh ♪
1107
00:45:28,708 --> 00:45:30,543
♪ Give me more than
enough to go smile about ♪
1108
00:45:30,576 --> 00:45:32,144
♪ Aye, aye ♪
1109
00:45:32,177 --> 00:45:33,712
[knuckles rapping]
1110
00:45:33,746 --> 00:45:35,382
[door creaks]
1111
00:45:35,414 --> 00:45:37,550
- Aunty Carol.
- Oh, Mary, I missed you.
1112
00:45:37,583 --> 00:45:39,686
We missed you. Thank
you so much for having us.
1113
00:45:39,719 --> 00:45:41,221
[Mark] We appreciate it.
1114
00:45:41,253 --> 00:45:42,454
I don't accept thank-yous.
1115
00:45:42,487 --> 00:45:44,223
What? Well, thank you anyway.
1116
00:45:44,257 --> 00:45:45,657
No.
1117
00:45:45,690 --> 00:45:46,558
- Oh.
- Shh.
1118
00:45:46,592 --> 00:45:47,594
- I'm sorry.
- Stop.
1119
00:45:47,626 --> 00:45:49,295
I'm so sorry, I didn't mean-
1120
00:45:49,327 --> 00:45:50,730
- It's okay. Come on in.
1121
00:45:51,431 --> 00:45:54,199
When I started, it wasn't
all done on the internet,
1122
00:45:54,233 --> 00:45:57,237
wasn't all this swiping left
and right and dick pics.
1123
00:45:57,269 --> 00:45:58,670
Right.
1124
00:45:58,704 --> 00:46:00,306
You actually had to talk
to people face to face.
1125
00:46:00,338 --> 00:46:02,174
You had to ask them,
"Hey, you wanna swing?
1126
00:46:02,208 --> 00:46:05,144
Hey, you wanna get
naked with my friend?"
1127
00:46:05,177 --> 00:46:06,378
To the ladies.
[glasses clicking]
1128
00:46:06,411 --> 00:46:08,213
- To getting some.
- To mad pussy.
1129
00:46:08,246 --> 00:46:09,548
God, it sounds so bad
1130
00:46:09,581 --> 00:46:10,415
- when you say it like that.
- I shouldn't have said it.
1131
00:46:10,449 --> 00:46:11,116
- Another one.
- This guy, this guy,
1132
00:46:11,150 --> 00:46:11,684
- this, guy, this guy.
- Ooh.
1133
00:46:11,717 --> 00:46:13,420
- Come back!
- Hey!
1134
00:46:13,452 --> 00:46:14,554
- Hey, Socks.
- Come here.
1135
00:46:14,586 --> 00:46:15,722
Hey, you want this?
1136
00:46:15,755 --> 00:46:16,456
- Yo, Socks.
- Do you, would you, boy?
1137
00:46:16,489 --> 00:46:17,791
I know you do.
1138
00:46:17,824 --> 00:46:19,626
We should do this
all, every day.
1139
00:46:19,659 --> 00:46:20,794
- I agree.
- Yeah.
1140
00:46:20,827 --> 00:46:22,295
You're judging me!
1141
00:46:22,327 --> 00:46:23,228
Nobody's judging you.
1142
00:46:23,262 --> 00:46:25,398
[Mark laughs]
1143
00:46:25,431 --> 00:46:27,434
♪ No new friends, no ♪
1144
00:46:27,467 --> 00:46:29,302
♪ La-la-la-la ♪
1145
00:46:29,335 --> 00:46:30,570
♪ La-la-la ♪
1146
00:46:30,603 --> 00:46:31,637
- I'm so drunk.
- Oh, is this okay?
1147
00:46:31,670 --> 00:46:32,471
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
1148
00:46:32,505 --> 00:46:33,640
♪ La-la ♪
1149
00:46:33,672 --> 00:46:35,607
♪ La-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪
1150
00:46:35,641 --> 00:46:36,476
♪ Ah-la-la-la ♪
♪ No new friends ♪
1151
00:46:36,509 --> 00:46:38,244
♪ La-la-la-la ♪
1152
00:46:38,277 --> 00:46:40,713
♪ La-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪
1153
00:46:40,746 --> 00:46:42,782
♪ La-la-la-la ♪
1154
00:46:42,815 --> 00:46:45,518
♪ La-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪
1155
00:46:45,550 --> 00:46:47,554
♪ Oh, when the sun goes down ♪
1156
00:46:47,586 --> 00:46:49,755
♪ And when it comes back up ♪
1157
00:46:49,789 --> 00:46:52,158
♪ We got our aces out ♪
1158
00:46:52,190 --> 00:46:54,460
♪ We got our aces out ♪
1159
00:46:54,494 --> 00:46:56,463
♪ Oh, when the sun goes down ♪
1160
00:46:56,496 --> 00:46:59,532
Hot. I mean, [groans].
1161
00:46:59,565 --> 00:47:01,166
♪ We got our aces out ♪
1162
00:47:01,199 --> 00:47:04,236
♪ We got our aces out ♪
1163
00:47:04,269 --> 00:47:05,605
Anyway, I'm dating a man now.
1164
00:47:05,637 --> 00:47:07,440
Oh. That's great.
1165
00:47:07,472 --> 00:47:08,574
I hadn't have
dick in a long time,
1166
00:47:08,608 --> 00:47:10,610
so it's really a
good change of pace.
1167
00:47:10,643 --> 00:47:11,610
[Aunty Carol] I didn't
know what I was missing.
1168
00:47:11,643 --> 00:47:12,478
Ew!
1169
00:47:12,512 --> 00:47:14,180
Dick is awesome.
1170
00:47:14,213 --> 00:47:15,448
So insane.
1171
00:47:15,481 --> 00:47:16,516
This is how you've
always wanted it, right?
1172
00:47:16,548 --> 00:47:17,516
[Mary laughs]
1173
00:47:17,550 --> 00:47:18,651
Go ahead, shoot me. Shoot me.
1174
00:47:18,684 --> 00:47:19,619
[Mary imitates gun banging]
1175
00:47:19,652 --> 00:47:20,854
[Mark grunts]
1176
00:47:20,887 --> 00:47:22,355
Do we really need this?
1177
00:47:22,387 --> 00:47:23,222
Yes.
1178
00:47:23,255 --> 00:47:24,790
♪ La-la-la-la ♪
1179
00:47:24,824 --> 00:47:27,126
♪ La-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪
1180
00:47:27,159 --> 00:47:27,693
♪ No new friends ♪
1181
00:47:27,726 --> 00:47:29,561
♪ La-la-la-la ♪
1182
00:47:29,594 --> 00:47:31,563
♪ La-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪
1183
00:47:31,597 --> 00:47:33,166
♪ No new friends ♪
1184
00:47:33,199 --> 00:47:34,634
- [groans] We're so sweaty.
- Yes, you're workin' hard.
1185
00:47:34,666 --> 00:47:36,268
♪ La-la-la-la ♪
1186
00:47:36,302 --> 00:47:39,439
♪ No new friends ♪
1187
00:47:39,472 --> 00:47:41,641
[Mark gags]
1188
00:47:41,673 --> 00:47:43,809
And what rules are
working for you guys?
1189
00:47:43,842 --> 00:47:46,278
That's a stupid question.
1190
00:47:46,311 --> 00:47:50,116
The whole point of being open
is there's no restrictions.
1191
00:47:50,916 --> 00:47:52,851
Rules are the death of life.
1192
00:47:52,885 --> 00:47:55,188
[dramatic music]
1193
00:47:55,221 --> 00:47:57,590
[Mark groaning]
1194
00:48:03,862 --> 00:48:08,634
[pulsing upbeat music]
[singer harmonizing]
1195
00:48:10,936 --> 00:48:11,871
We need a new rule.
1196
00:48:13,739 --> 00:48:16,342
How about no sleeping with
other people in our apartment?
1197
00:48:16,375 --> 00:48:17,409
[Mary] Our space.
1198
00:48:17,443 --> 00:48:18,511
Yes.
1199
00:48:18,543 --> 00:48:19,444
I mean, I don't think anyone's
1200
00:48:19,478 --> 00:48:20,646
gonna wanna be in here anyway.
1201
00:48:20,679 --> 00:48:21,681
Yeah, it's a health hazard.
1202
00:48:21,713 --> 00:48:23,349
[both laugh]
1203
00:48:23,382 --> 00:48:25,251
So we need any other rules?
1204
00:48:25,284 --> 00:48:25,818
Mm.
1205
00:48:26,851 --> 00:48:27,853
I don't know.
1206
00:48:29,688 --> 00:48:32,391
You haven't been
telling me about
1207
00:48:33,326 --> 00:48:35,461
what's been goin' on.
1208
00:48:35,494 --> 00:48:36,796
You really wanna know?
1209
00:48:36,829 --> 00:48:37,964
Yeah, what's it been
like sleeping with someone
1210
00:48:37,996 --> 00:48:38,931
who's not me?
1211
00:48:42,668 --> 00:48:44,304
Mm, good?
1212
00:48:44,336 --> 00:48:45,505
That's good.
1213
00:48:45,538 --> 00:48:47,773
[sighs] It feels so
weird talking about it.
1214
00:48:47,806 --> 00:48:50,709
That's part of it, though.
I wanted to know the truth.
1215
00:48:51,510 --> 00:48:54,381
I guess I just feel like
I can't articulate it yet.
1216
00:48:54,947 --> 00:48:55,815
Is that okay?
1217
00:48:57,416 --> 00:48:58,285
That's okay.
1218
00:48:59,684 --> 00:49:01,554
[soft lighthearted music]
1219
00:49:01,586 --> 00:49:06,358
[moves to bright music]
[Mark and Mary moaning]
1220
00:49:08,661 --> 00:49:09,963
Oh god.
1221
00:49:09,996 --> 00:49:14,267
[Mark and Mary sighing]
1222
00:49:14,300 --> 00:49:16,236
What just happened?
1223
00:49:16,268 --> 00:49:17,469
That was so good.
1224
00:49:18,637 --> 00:49:20,973
[Mark sighs]
1225
00:49:22,675 --> 00:49:24,644
I have another rule idea.
1226
00:49:24,677 --> 00:49:25,679
Hit me.
1227
00:49:28,914 --> 00:49:30,650
We try a threesome.
1228
00:49:30,682 --> 00:49:31,818
That's not really a rule.
1229
00:49:31,851 --> 00:49:33,286
No, you're right.
1230
00:49:33,318 --> 00:49:35,320
Stupid idea, I don't know why I
1231
00:49:35,353 --> 00:49:36,321
- brought it up.
- I'm in.
1232
00:49:36,355 --> 00:49:37,289
Really?
1233
00:49:37,322 --> 00:49:38,590
[Mary] Yeah.
1234
00:49:38,623 --> 00:49:40,425
Okay.
1235
00:49:40,458 --> 00:49:41,393
Where do we find her?
1236
00:49:41,427 --> 00:49:42,028
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
1237
00:49:42,061 --> 00:49:43,596
[Mark] What?
1238
00:49:43,628 --> 00:49:45,431
It's automatically a girl?
1239
00:49:45,463 --> 00:49:46,632
I'm not crossin' swords.
1240
00:49:46,666 --> 00:49:47,767
Don't be homophobic.
1241
00:49:47,800 --> 00:49:49,402
That's not homophobic.
1242
00:49:49,434 --> 00:49:51,670
A threesome with a
magical unicorn girl
1243
00:49:51,704 --> 00:49:53,573
is you thinking about
your pleasure before mine.
1244
00:49:53,606 --> 00:49:54,974
You can get stuff done to you.
1245
00:49:55,007 --> 00:49:56,608
Stuff done to me?
1246
00:49:56,641 --> 00:49:58,377
It would be for both of us.
1247
00:49:58,411 --> 00:50:01,914
Okay, I'm down, I
really am, if it's equal.
1248
00:50:01,947 --> 00:50:04,017
Since when do you have
such a binary view of gender?
1249
00:50:04,050 --> 00:50:05,818
I'll correct myself,
1250
00:50:05,851 --> 00:50:07,987
one with a vagina
and one with a penis.
1251
00:50:08,019 --> 00:50:09,588
I'm all about equality, baby.
1252
00:50:09,621 --> 00:50:10,856
But I don't want
a penis near me.
1253
00:50:10,889 --> 00:50:13,058
You live with
a penis near you!
1254
00:50:13,092 --> 00:50:14,927
It's on your person.
1255
00:50:14,960 --> 00:50:16,628
That's not a good argument.
1256
00:50:16,661 --> 00:50:17,696
Then I don't want
a vagina near me.
1257
00:50:17,730 --> 00:50:18,697
[Mark groans]
1258
00:50:18,731 --> 00:50:20,733
What? I'm using your logic.
1259
00:50:20,766 --> 00:50:23,068
It's not my logic, 'cause
you've been with girls before.
1260
00:50:23,101 --> 00:50:24,971
This could be life-changing.
1261
00:50:25,003 --> 00:50:26,038
Can we try the girl way first?
1262
00:50:26,072 --> 00:50:27,472
I see what you're doing,
1263
00:50:27,505 --> 00:50:29,442
and you're not getting
out of it like that.
1264
00:50:29,474 --> 00:50:30,842
We will have a
threesome with someone
1265
00:50:30,876 --> 00:50:33,780
who identifies as a man.
1266
00:50:33,813 --> 00:50:35,882
And as a reward, we'll have
a threesome with someone
1267
00:50:35,914 --> 00:50:37,382
who identifies as a woman.
1268
00:50:37,416 --> 00:50:38,885
We're on a reward system now?
1269
00:50:38,918 --> 00:50:40,820
What am I, a dog getting treats?
1270
00:50:40,853 --> 00:50:42,454
You're a dog gettin' pussy.
1271
00:50:42,788 --> 00:50:43,822
[Mark barks]
1272
00:50:43,856 --> 00:50:46,693
[Mary laughs]
1273
00:50:46,726 --> 00:50:48,827
Oh my god, so you guys
are actually going to-
1274
00:50:48,860 --> 00:50:50,663
- Yep.
- If we can find someone.
1275
00:50:50,695 --> 00:50:51,931
You sound shady like that.
1276
00:50:51,963 --> 00:50:53,932
Is it weird that we're
telling your sister?
1277
00:50:53,965 --> 00:50:55,867
We tell each other everything.
1278
00:50:55,900 --> 00:50:57,002
Everything?
1279
00:50:57,036 --> 00:50:58,070
[clears throat]
Wait, do you...
1280
00:50:58,403 --> 00:51:00,405
Like, everything, everything?
1281
00:51:00,438 --> 00:51:01,440
Yeah.
1282
00:51:01,474 --> 00:51:02,575
Huh.
1283
00:51:03,509 --> 00:51:04,543
Sick.
1284
00:51:05,510 --> 00:51:07,447
Um, okay, well...
1285
00:51:07,480 --> 00:51:11,117
Um, yeah, I mean, I'm sure
you guys can find a third.
1286
00:51:11,150 --> 00:51:12,518
Why haven't we
talked about this?
1287
00:51:12,550 --> 00:51:14,353
[Kyle] Don't look at me.
1288
00:51:14,387 --> 00:51:15,355
[Mark] We weren't.
1289
00:51:15,387 --> 00:51:16,855
Do not look at me either.
1290
00:51:16,889 --> 00:51:18,591
We weren't.
1291
00:51:18,623 --> 00:51:19,792
Although...
1292
00:51:20,393 --> 00:51:23,628
Lana, you wouldn't be
interested, would you?
1293
00:51:23,661 --> 00:51:25,364
- Hey, what?
- Well, hey. [laughs]
1294
00:51:25,398 --> 00:51:26,865
What, you don't,
even hypothetically,
1295
00:51:26,898 --> 00:51:28,000
want me as your third?
1296
00:51:28,032 --> 00:51:28,933
You just said
you didn't want to.
1297
00:51:28,967 --> 00:51:30,034
Yeah, but I'd like
an offer to reject.
1298
00:51:30,068 --> 00:51:33,438
It is kind of perfect. We
do need a male third, too.
1299
00:51:33,472 --> 00:51:34,874
Hey.
1300
00:51:34,907 --> 00:51:36,476
Okay, let's not share
everything with the group.
1301
00:51:36,509 --> 00:51:37,976
No, we share.
1302
00:51:38,010 --> 00:51:39,145
Yeah.
1303
00:51:39,177 --> 00:51:40,446
Wait, hold on,
would you guys...
1304
00:51:41,213 --> 00:51:43,782
Would you guys pay
me for my services?
1305
00:51:43,815 --> 00:51:44,884
- No.
- No.
1306
00:51:45,818 --> 00:51:47,020
No?
1307
00:51:47,552 --> 00:51:48,820
Why not? I'm broke,
and I need money.
1308
00:51:48,853 --> 00:51:50,155
We don't have any money.
1309
00:51:50,188 --> 00:51:52,924
Okay, but I feel like
prostituting myself...
1310
00:51:52,958 --> 00:51:54,394
Thank you.
1311
00:51:54,994 --> 00:51:57,764
If it's to friends, it's
not completely unreasonable.
1312
00:51:57,797 --> 00:51:59,398
Am I right?
1313
00:51:59,431 --> 00:52:00,165
[Mark] Who's paying what?
1314
00:52:00,199 --> 00:52:01,800
Let's just split it.
1315
00:52:01,833 --> 00:52:03,168
No way. I only got sides.
1316
00:52:03,202 --> 00:52:05,138
Yeah, me too. Also,
you're my elder.
1317
00:52:05,170 --> 00:52:06,571
That doesn't
mean I pay for you.
1318
00:52:06,605 --> 00:52:07,807
Why can't it mean that?
1319
00:52:07,840 --> 00:52:09,475
Dad pays for your whole life.
1320
00:52:09,507 --> 00:52:10,742
Okay, why don't we just...
1321
00:52:10,775 --> 00:52:12,844
We'll tally it up card by card.
1322
00:52:12,878 --> 00:52:14,947
We're all adults, right?
1323
00:52:14,980 --> 00:52:16,548
[Mary] [sighs] All right,
what are you guys tipping?
1324
00:52:16,581 --> 00:52:17,784
20%.
1325
00:52:17,817 --> 00:52:18,951
18%.
1326
00:52:18,983 --> 00:52:19,885
17.
1327
00:52:19,918 --> 00:52:21,520
18%.
1328
00:52:21,554 --> 00:52:22,454
12.
1329
00:52:23,722 --> 00:52:25,024
12 what?
1330
00:52:25,056 --> 00:52:26,625
- Percent.
- Percent, babe, [laughs]
1331
00:52:26,659 --> 00:52:28,427
you can't just do 12%.
1332
00:52:28,460 --> 00:52:30,663
She was really slow,
and she brought me decaf.
1333
00:52:31,864 --> 00:52:32,932
Fuck all of you.
1334
00:52:33,998 --> 00:52:35,667
Okay.
1335
00:52:35,701 --> 00:52:36,668
Except you.
1336
00:52:36,702 --> 00:52:37,437
Oh.
1337
00:52:38,971 --> 00:52:42,108
[clock ticking]
1338
00:52:42,141 --> 00:52:43,041
[Mark] My dad just shipped us
1339
00:52:43,074 --> 00:52:44,609
the first Life Cup prototype.
1340
00:52:44,643 --> 00:52:45,811
Life Cup?
1341
00:52:45,844 --> 00:52:47,112
Our spit test.
1342
00:52:47,146 --> 00:52:48,714
Yeah, I know, I just...
1343
00:52:48,746 --> 00:52:50,048
You're calling it the Life Cup?
1344
00:52:50,081 --> 00:52:51,683
Yeah. It was your
idea, remember?
1345
00:52:54,652 --> 00:52:55,554
You don't like it?
1346
00:52:55,588 --> 00:52:58,524
It's just super Republican.
1347
00:52:58,556 --> 00:52:59,491
What are you talking about?
1348
00:52:59,525 --> 00:53:01,626
Like, why can't it be
called the Choice Cup
1349
00:53:01,659 --> 00:53:04,230
or Information Cup?
1350
00:53:04,262 --> 00:53:06,097
Probably 'cause those
aren't good names.
1351
00:53:06,130 --> 00:53:10,168
[cellphone chimes]
[cellphone vibrates]
1352
00:53:10,202 --> 00:53:12,104
[suspenseful music]
1353
00:53:12,137 --> 00:53:13,639
Holy shit.
1354
00:53:13,672 --> 00:53:15,474
Wait, don't say anything yet.
1355
00:53:15,507 --> 00:53:16,875
Should we play dumb?
1356
00:53:16,909 --> 00:53:17,977
We need to strategize.
1357
00:53:21,547 --> 00:53:23,615
It doesn't hurt to make
her wait a little too.
1358
00:53:24,916 --> 00:53:26,552
Do we really wanna do this?
1359
00:53:26,786 --> 00:53:27,720
Do you?
1360
00:53:29,755 --> 00:53:30,990
- Yes.
- Okay, then fuck it.
1361
00:53:31,023 --> 00:53:33,025
The situation is
presenting itself.
1362
00:53:33,057 --> 00:53:34,193
Yeah, but we kind of
presented it to her.
1363
00:53:34,226 --> 00:53:35,628
You did.
1364
00:53:35,661 --> 00:53:36,996
You're not gonna get mad at me
1365
00:53:37,028 --> 00:53:38,264
'cause we did it
with a girl first?
1366
00:53:38,297 --> 00:53:39,699
You're not gonna hold
it against me later?
1367
00:53:39,731 --> 00:53:42,134
I reserve the right to
have any feeling I want,
1368
00:53:42,166 --> 00:53:43,702
any time that I want.
1369
00:53:43,735 --> 00:53:44,536
Mary.
1370
00:53:46,137 --> 00:53:47,139
Fine, I won't.
1371
00:53:48,206 --> 00:53:49,074
Really?
1372
00:53:49,108 --> 00:53:50,510
I won't get mad.
1373
00:53:51,244 --> 00:53:53,913
In for what, question
mark, ha dash ha.
1374
00:53:53,945 --> 00:53:56,581
Don't voice text. You
sound like a serial killer.
1375
00:53:56,614 --> 00:53:57,817
Why? It's easier.
1376
00:53:57,849 --> 00:53:59,050
[message whooshes]
[tense music]
1377
00:53:59,083 --> 00:54:00,819
Oh shit.
1378
00:54:00,853 --> 00:54:03,623
[cellphone chimes]
1379
00:54:04,889 --> 00:54:06,057
She knows we're panicking.
1380
00:54:06,090 --> 00:54:07,293
I don't think we're panicking.
1381
00:54:07,326 --> 00:54:08,126
[cellphone chimes]
1382
00:54:08,159 --> 00:54:11,498
[tense music quickens]
1383
00:54:17,001 --> 00:54:19,771
[knuckles rapping]
1384
00:54:25,945 --> 00:54:27,613
Hi.
1385
00:54:27,646 --> 00:54:28,181
Hey.
1386
00:54:30,081 --> 00:54:30,884
Hi.
1387
00:54:31,849 --> 00:54:32,817
Three.
1388
00:54:32,851 --> 00:54:33,786
[All] Two, one.
1389
00:54:35,019 --> 00:54:36,956
[gritty energetic music]
1390
00:54:36,989 --> 00:54:39,324
Oh my god, Jesus Christ.
1391
00:54:39,358 --> 00:54:40,260
Whew.
1392
00:54:41,693 --> 00:54:42,961
Oh!
1393
00:54:42,994 --> 00:54:45,163
I really like your mustache.
1394
00:54:45,197 --> 00:54:46,065
You do?
1395
00:54:46,097 --> 00:54:48,000
Yeah.
1396
00:54:48,032 --> 00:54:49,935
Thank you. [coughs]
1397
00:54:49,969 --> 00:54:51,704
[Lana laughs]
1398
00:54:51,737 --> 00:54:52,639
- Oh.
- Yeah.
1399
00:54:54,005 --> 00:54:56,576
[Mary laughing]
1400
00:54:58,677 --> 00:54:59,745
Have you ever done coke before?
1401
00:54:59,777 --> 00:55:00,980
- No.
- You wanna do some cocaine?
1402
00:55:01,012 --> 00:55:01,980
- Okay.
- Yeah?
1403
00:55:02,014 --> 00:55:03,649
[growls] You wanna do coke?
1404
00:55:03,681 --> 00:55:07,185
[dark upbeat music]
[singer singing faintly]
1405
00:55:07,219 --> 00:55:10,021
Ooh, I did not give
you a baby line.
1406
00:55:10,054 --> 00:55:11,123
Excuse me, girl, but...
1407
00:55:11,155 --> 00:55:12,657
[Lana and Mary laughing]
1408
00:55:12,690 --> 00:55:15,360
Hey, come here. I made
this song just for you.
1409
00:55:15,393 --> 00:55:16,227
Come here.
1410
00:55:16,260 --> 00:55:18,130
[drumbeat pounding]
1411
00:55:18,163 --> 00:55:21,067
[Lana sings indistinctly]
1412
00:55:21,099 --> 00:55:23,034
[Mary] It's my favorite song!
1413
00:55:23,068 --> 00:55:24,604
Yes! Oh shit!
1414
00:55:30,309 --> 00:55:32,644
[soft sultry music]
1415
00:55:32,677 --> 00:55:34,813
♪ Come into my bedroom ♪
1416
00:55:34,847 --> 00:55:37,149
♪ Walk in like you used to ♪
1417
00:55:37,181 --> 00:55:39,050
♪ Say you'll never
leave me lonely ♪
1418
00:55:39,083 --> 00:55:41,186
♪ Tell me how you want me only ♪
1419
00:55:41,219 --> 00:55:42,087
♪ Come into my ♪
1420
00:55:42,121 --> 00:55:42,889
Guys.
1421
00:55:45,324 --> 00:55:47,927
♪ And let me love you ♪
1422
00:55:47,960 --> 00:55:48,860
[sighs] Guys.
1423
00:55:51,764 --> 00:55:53,265
Hey, guys.
1424
00:55:53,297 --> 00:55:54,333
- What?
- Babe.
1425
00:55:56,068 --> 00:55:57,203
Include me.
1426
00:55:57,235 --> 00:55:59,739
Of course, babe.
1427
00:55:59,771 --> 00:56:01,106
Of course, babe.
1428
00:56:01,139 --> 00:56:02,407
Whatever.
1429
00:56:02,440 --> 00:56:04,143
I guess I'm supposed
to not say that.
1430
00:56:04,175 --> 00:56:05,644
I'm supposed to be
suave and find a way
1431
00:56:05,677 --> 00:56:06,811
to grow a second dick.
1432
00:56:06,844 --> 00:56:09,881
[Lana and Mary laugh]
1433
00:56:11,916 --> 00:56:13,418
Second dick?
1434
00:56:13,452 --> 00:56:16,122
[Mary] Dos dick-os! [laughs]
1435
00:56:16,155 --> 00:56:20,793
♪ All wanna do is us ♪
1436
00:56:20,826 --> 00:56:24,262
♪ Boy, I reminisce how
we touch and kiss ♪
1437
00:56:24,295 --> 00:56:29,201
♪ And come into my bedroom ♪
1438
00:56:29,233 --> 00:56:32,070
♪ Oh whoa ♪
1439
00:56:32,103 --> 00:56:33,772
♪ Be mine ♪
1440
00:56:33,806 --> 00:56:38,177
♪ All I wanna do is you ♪
1441
00:56:38,210 --> 00:56:41,981
♪ Sentimental soul,
heart with no control ♪
1442
00:56:42,014 --> 00:56:46,952
♪ And all I wanna do is us ♪
1443
00:56:46,985 --> 00:56:50,389
♪ Boy, I reminisce how
we touch and kiss ♪
1444
00:56:50,422 --> 00:56:55,260
♪ And come into my bedroom ♪
1445
00:56:56,228 --> 00:56:57,463
♪ Oh whoa ♪
1446
00:56:57,496 --> 00:56:59,798
[Mary retches]
1447
00:56:59,831 --> 00:57:01,933
[Mary groans]
1448
00:57:12,844 --> 00:57:16,281
Tell me everything.
Did it freak you out?
1449
00:57:16,315 --> 00:57:17,983
Did he pay more
attention to her?
1450
00:57:18,016 --> 00:57:20,985
Um, sometimes.
1451
00:57:21,018 --> 00:57:22,821
Did he penetrate her?
1452
00:57:22,855 --> 00:57:24,155
Penetrate?
1453
00:57:24,188 --> 00:57:26,257
Oh my god, that's a yes.
1454
00:57:26,291 --> 00:57:27,760
I mean, yeah, it's...
1455
00:57:27,793 --> 00:57:28,961
That's what a threesome is.
1456
00:57:30,929 --> 00:57:32,431
You weren't freaking out?
1457
00:57:32,463 --> 00:57:33,398
I can't freak out.
1458
00:57:33,431 --> 00:57:34,833
Be human.
1459
00:57:34,867 --> 00:57:36,702
Okay, I freaked
out a little bit.
1460
00:57:37,637 --> 00:57:42,141
The idea of it never mattered,
but actually seeing it enter,
1461
00:57:42,907 --> 00:57:43,808
I don't know.
1462
00:57:43,842 --> 00:57:45,744
Oh my god, where did he come?
1463
00:57:46,045 --> 00:57:48,880
I've always wondered
the politics of that.
1464
00:57:48,914 --> 00:57:51,050
Like, was it like a hose?
1465
00:57:51,083 --> 00:57:53,251
You're doing it like
he knighted both of us
1466
00:57:53,284 --> 00:57:54,385
- with his cum.
- Yeah, I mean-
1467
00:57:54,418 --> 00:57:55,153
- No.
1468
00:57:57,121 --> 00:57:58,790
You're sick.
1469
00:57:58,824 --> 00:58:01,293
Okay, I'm not the one that
had a threesome, thank you.
1470
00:58:01,326 --> 00:58:02,494
Move. I'm gonna fart on you.
1471
00:58:02,527 --> 00:58:04,195
♪ It's only natural ♪
1472
00:58:04,228 --> 00:58:05,297
[AJ] Tell us everything.
1473
00:58:05,329 --> 00:58:06,431
Gentleman never tells.
1474
00:58:06,465 --> 00:58:07,500
Bullshit, how
did you get married
1475
00:58:07,532 --> 00:58:09,268
and start having more sex?
1476
00:58:09,300 --> 00:58:10,369
Oh, it just happened.
1477
00:58:10,402 --> 00:58:11,202
I hate you, Mark.
1478
00:58:11,235 --> 00:58:13,105
I hate you so much.
1479
00:58:13,137 --> 00:58:14,373
Did your dick get nervous?
1480
00:58:14,405 --> 00:58:15,373
Probably got stage
fright, right?
1481
00:58:15,407 --> 00:58:17,876
You're like, oh, it's
too much stimulation.
1482
00:58:17,909 --> 00:58:19,377
- Here I am, here I am.
- Oh goodness, oh no.
1483
00:58:19,411 --> 00:58:21,280
- What do I do, what do I do?
- Oh no, no, my dick.
1484
00:58:21,313 --> 00:58:23,382
There's too many holes.
[Kyle groaning]
1485
00:58:23,414 --> 00:58:27,353
[AJ and Kyle vocalizing goofily]
1486
00:58:29,221 --> 00:58:30,822
[Kyle laughs]
1487
00:58:30,856 --> 00:58:32,958
I did drink so much I was
worried I wasn't gonna get
1488
00:58:32,990 --> 00:58:34,025
[music stops]
fully hard.
1489
00:58:35,126 --> 00:58:36,961
[AJ and Kyle laugh]
1490
00:58:36,994 --> 00:58:39,264
Were you? Were you fully hard?
1491
00:58:39,297 --> 00:58:42,167
Yeah. It was fucking awesome.
1492
00:58:42,201 --> 00:58:43,434
[Mark grunts]
1493
00:58:43,467 --> 00:58:46,038
[mellow music]
1494
00:58:47,972 --> 00:58:49,275
[Mary] Do you think
Mom ever had a threesome?
1495
00:58:50,375 --> 00:58:51,110
Probably.
1496
00:58:53,244 --> 00:58:55,047
Why don't we ever
talk about her?
1497
00:58:55,246 --> 00:58:56,548
I don't know.
1498
00:58:57,315 --> 00:58:59,083
I love looking at
old photos of her
1499
00:58:59,117 --> 00:59:00,452
when she was pregnant with us.
1500
00:59:01,219 --> 00:59:04,022
I was doing that the other
day, actually, so cute.
1501
00:59:06,992 --> 00:59:09,028
That's why I didn't
have a real wedding.
1502
00:59:09,061 --> 00:59:11,063
It didn't make sense to do
it without her, you know?
1503
00:59:12,197 --> 00:59:13,332
She'd fucking hate Mark, too.
1504
00:59:13,364 --> 00:59:15,099
Hate Mark.
[Tori laughs]
1505
00:59:15,132 --> 00:59:16,434
- That mustache would not-
- His mustache!
1506
00:59:16,467 --> 00:59:17,301
- Nah, yeah, I know.
- I was just gonna
1507
00:59:17,335 --> 00:59:19,137
- say that.
- I know, I know, I know.
1508
00:59:19,170 --> 00:59:20,271
She'd freak.
1509
00:59:20,304 --> 00:59:23,576
[mellow music continues]
1510
00:59:48,000 --> 00:59:50,503
[low synth music]
1511
00:59:51,936 --> 00:59:53,172
♪ Don't wait up for me ♪
1512
00:59:53,204 --> 00:59:54,239
[Both] Cheers.
1513
00:59:59,311 --> 01:00:00,546
- Wow.
- It works.
1514
01:00:00,579 --> 01:00:02,048
Do you normally pick that?
1515
01:00:03,215 --> 01:00:04,016
Is it not good?
1516
01:00:04,048 --> 01:00:05,416
[Alexandra laughs]
1517
01:00:05,449 --> 01:00:08,052
♪ 'Cause I'm gonna,
I'm gonna be ♪
1518
01:00:08,085 --> 01:00:10,455
♪ Havin' myself a good time ♪
1519
01:00:10,489 --> 01:00:12,458
♪ Without ♪
1520
01:00:12,490 --> 01:00:17,362
♪ Without you ♪
1521
01:00:19,264 --> 01:00:21,500
♪ Havin' myself a good time ♪
1522
01:00:21,532 --> 01:00:24,402
[cellphone chiming]
1523
01:00:30,509 --> 01:00:31,610
Who's that?
1524
01:00:31,643 --> 01:00:34,346
Oh, it's, uh, just my wife.
1525
01:00:34,378 --> 01:00:36,949
[Alexandra laughs]
1526
01:00:36,981 --> 01:00:39,317
[Mark chuckles]
1527
01:00:49,994 --> 01:00:52,330
[Mary retching]
1528
01:00:56,534 --> 01:00:58,136
What'd you drink last night?
1529
01:00:58,170 --> 01:00:59,271
I didn't.
1530
01:00:59,771 --> 01:01:01,206
What did you do last night?
1531
01:01:01,440 --> 01:01:02,641
Was it tequila again?
1532
01:01:02,673 --> 01:01:04,143
No, I stayed home
1533
01:01:04,175 --> 01:01:06,478
and played Word Streak
on my phone all night.
1534
01:01:07,112 --> 01:01:09,181
Did you order from the
Thai place or something?
1535
01:01:10,315 --> 01:01:11,182
No.
1536
01:01:14,686 --> 01:01:17,189
[tense music]
1537
01:01:18,623 --> 01:01:23,429
[fingers snapping]
[singer harmonizing]
1538
01:01:26,264 --> 01:01:28,166
Okay, what do I do?
1539
01:01:28,400 --> 01:01:30,469
You just spit in the center
part where the circle is.
1540
01:01:30,501 --> 01:01:32,704
See? Right there.
1541
01:01:32,737 --> 01:01:33,972
And how do I know if I'm-
1542
01:01:34,005 --> 01:01:35,273
- It should turn dark purple.
1543
01:01:35,306 --> 01:01:36,240
Really?
1544
01:01:36,273 --> 01:01:37,208
Yeah.
1545
01:01:38,643 --> 01:01:39,978
It's a good idea.
1546
01:01:40,012 --> 01:01:41,981
Yeah, I know, it's, um...
1547
01:01:42,014 --> 01:01:43,716
I'm not criticizing you, it's...
1548
01:01:43,748 --> 01:01:45,216
Okay.
1549
01:01:45,250 --> 01:01:46,085
It's great.
1550
01:01:47,452 --> 01:01:49,956
How do I know if
I'm not pregnant?
1551
01:01:50,755 --> 01:01:52,490
It should turn dark green.
1552
01:01:53,291 --> 01:01:56,394
If we pick different colors,
like if we chose blue and pink,
1553
01:01:56,427 --> 01:01:58,096
then people would assume that
the Life Cup predicts gender,
1554
01:01:58,130 --> 01:01:58,764
and it doesn't predict-
1555
01:01:58,797 --> 01:02:00,165
- Okay, how about no colors?
1556
01:02:02,534 --> 01:02:03,602
[Mary gurgles]
1557
01:02:10,141 --> 01:02:11,376
Is that enough for you?
1558
01:02:11,409 --> 01:02:13,612
[tense music]
1559
01:02:13,644 --> 01:02:15,047
We need to go to the store.
1560
01:02:15,079 --> 01:02:16,047
[Mark] Why?
1561
01:02:16,081 --> 01:02:17,283
We need to get a real test.
1562
01:02:17,483 --> 01:02:18,550
This is a real test.
1563
01:02:18,583 --> 01:02:20,318
No, it's not.
It's not science.
1564
01:02:20,351 --> 01:02:21,586
It's a fucking mood ring.
1565
01:02:26,724 --> 01:02:28,126
[upbeat pop music]
1566
01:02:28,159 --> 01:02:32,431
♪ Baby, baby, I'm
taken with the notion ♪
1567
01:02:34,166 --> 01:02:37,436
♪ To love you with the
sweetest of devotion ♪
1568
01:02:37,469 --> 01:02:42,407
♪ Baby, baby, my tender
love will flow from ♪
1569
01:02:42,440 --> 01:02:44,475
♪ The bluest sky to the ♪
1570
01:02:44,509 --> 01:02:49,347
[Mary sighs]
[water sloshing]
1571
01:02:51,715 --> 01:02:53,818
[toilet flushes]
1572
01:02:53,851 --> 01:02:55,653
Three minutes.
1573
01:02:55,686 --> 01:02:56,588
I know.
1574
01:03:01,259 --> 01:03:03,362
[Mary sighs]
1575
01:03:09,768 --> 01:03:12,103
You wanna sing me a song?
1576
01:03:13,637 --> 01:03:14,639
Not really.
1577
01:03:16,875 --> 01:03:19,545
[uneasy music]
1578
01:03:19,577 --> 01:03:21,280
I told you.
1579
01:03:21,313 --> 01:03:22,847
Really? You're going to hit
me with an, "I told you so"?
1580
01:03:22,880 --> 01:03:23,815
The mood ring was accurate.
1581
01:03:23,849 --> 01:03:25,651
It had a 50-50 chance.
1582
01:03:25,684 --> 01:03:27,252
Why are you being like this?
1583
01:03:27,284 --> 01:03:28,686
Can't you see that I'm
fucking pregnant right now?
1584
01:03:28,719 --> 01:03:30,621
Yeah, what if it's not my kid?
1585
01:03:30,655 --> 01:03:32,591
Why would it not be your kid?
1586
01:03:32,623 --> 01:03:33,457
I don't know, because
you've been having
1587
01:03:33,492 --> 01:03:35,627
a sweaty fuck parade
with other men?
1588
01:03:35,659 --> 01:03:37,462
You've been having a
sweaty fuck parade, too.
1589
01:03:37,496 --> 01:03:39,530
I'm being punished because
a dick can't give birth
1590
01:03:39,563 --> 01:03:40,364
and a vagina can?
1591
01:03:40,398 --> 01:03:41,533
What?
1592
01:03:41,565 --> 01:03:42,500
Besides, I'm on the pill.
1593
01:03:42,534 --> 01:03:43,769
Okay, we both know
1594
01:03:43,802 --> 01:03:45,437
you don't take the pill
consistently enough.
1595
01:03:45,469 --> 01:03:46,571
You're supposed to
take it every day
1596
01:03:46,605 --> 01:03:47,639
at the exact same time.
1597
01:03:47,672 --> 01:03:49,173
And I told you to get an IUD.
1598
01:03:49,206 --> 01:03:51,542
Stop talking to me like
you're my gynecologist.
1599
01:03:51,576 --> 01:03:53,344
Why don't we get a wishbone
and put it in your penis hole
1600
01:03:53,378 --> 01:03:54,780
and see how that feels?
1601
01:03:54,813 --> 01:03:56,315
- No.
- Or why don't you start taking the male pill, bro.
1602
01:03:56,347 --> 01:03:57,849
It doesn't exist yet, bro.
1603
01:03:57,882 --> 01:03:59,884
Okay, well, I use a condom
with anyone who's not you.
1604
01:03:59,918 --> 01:04:01,320
How can I know that?
1605
01:04:01,353 --> 01:04:03,655
Then why don't you
stick a GoPro inside me.
1606
01:04:03,688 --> 01:04:05,557
Oh, but you gotta
choose, IUD or GoPro,
1607
01:04:05,590 --> 01:04:06,490
which one's are gonna be?
1608
01:04:06,525 --> 01:04:07,860
For all we know, there's
some girl out there
1609
01:04:07,893 --> 01:04:09,360
who's pregnant with your baby,
1610
01:04:09,393 --> 01:04:10,628
'cause you're using
special needs condoms.
1611
01:04:10,661 --> 01:04:11,896
Mary, my allergy is serious.
1612
01:04:11,929 --> 01:04:14,198
It could be fatal
with enough exposure.
1613
01:04:14,231 --> 01:04:17,135
It's an excuse that men use
who don't wanna wear condoms.
1614
01:04:17,168 --> 01:04:17,869
You need to get tested.
1615
01:04:17,902 --> 01:04:19,770
You need to get tested,
1616
01:04:19,804 --> 01:04:21,539
and you should probably
get a paternity test, too,
1617
01:04:21,572 --> 01:04:22,807
- if you're so worried about it.
- I'm not doing that.
1618
01:04:22,840 --> 01:04:24,275
What do you want from me?
1619
01:04:25,610 --> 01:04:28,481
[soft upbeat music]
1620
01:04:39,356 --> 01:04:40,659
[Practitioner] I'm just gonna
do a swap for the DNA test.
1621
01:04:40,692 --> 01:04:41,793
- Okay?
- Okay.
1622
01:04:41,826 --> 01:04:42,594
Open.
1623
01:04:50,802 --> 01:04:52,570
All right, and Dr.
Kurtzman will be with you
1624
01:04:52,603 --> 01:04:53,571
in just a moment.
1625
01:04:53,605 --> 01:04:54,405
Okay. Thanks.
1626
01:05:02,713 --> 01:05:04,750
Oh, you're
married. That's good.
1627
01:05:04,782 --> 01:05:06,282
Why is that good?
1628
01:05:06,284 --> 01:05:07,853
We don't have
to do an STD swab.
1629
01:05:07,885 --> 01:05:09,454
I mean, unless you want to.
1630
01:05:09,487 --> 01:05:10,689
Sure.
1631
01:05:10,722 --> 01:05:12,824
Is that a sure
yes or a sure no?
1632
01:05:12,856 --> 01:05:14,927
A sure yes.
1633
01:05:17,628 --> 01:05:19,897
Maybe don't call it a swab.
1634
01:05:19,931 --> 01:05:21,699
Doesn't sound fun.
1635
01:05:21,733 --> 01:05:23,869
I was trying to make
it fun, so thank you.
1636
01:05:24,635 --> 01:05:26,871
How many sexual
partners have you had?
1637
01:05:26,905 --> 01:05:28,607
What does it matter, if we're
gonna do the swab anyway?
1638
01:05:28,639 --> 01:05:29,875
It's a standard question.
1639
01:05:29,907 --> 01:05:32,810
You can just give
me an approximation.
1640
01:05:32,844 --> 01:05:36,715
Uh, I would rather just
talk about the prenatal stuff,
1641
01:05:36,748 --> 01:05:38,383
if that's okay.
1642
01:05:38,416 --> 01:05:39,818
[Dr. Jacobs] You're pregnant?
1643
01:05:39,851 --> 01:05:41,619
Yes.
1644
01:05:41,652 --> 01:05:43,788
Sorry, I didn't
get to that part yet.
1645
01:05:45,489 --> 01:05:47,425
Oh yeah, there it
is. You're pregnant.
1646
01:05:48,626 --> 01:05:50,295
All right, um.
1647
01:05:50,327 --> 01:05:51,697
Do you mind
shifting to your left?
1648
01:05:52,697 --> 01:05:54,465
Nice, yeah, then the other way.
1649
01:05:56,333 --> 01:05:58,503
Lift up your shaft.
1650
01:05:59,771 --> 01:06:02,007
Now to do the hokey
pokey, turn, and shout.
1651
01:06:02,039 --> 01:06:02,974
Just kidding.
1652
01:06:04,742 --> 01:06:05,876
Make your legs jello.
1653
01:06:05,909 --> 01:06:07,278
[Mary sighs]
1654
01:06:07,311 --> 01:06:08,947
Pretend like your
knees are jello.
1655
01:06:08,980 --> 01:06:09,880
I'm trying.
1656
01:06:09,914 --> 01:06:11,383
You're really not.
1657
01:06:11,416 --> 01:06:12,651
I'm sorry, it's just,
1658
01:06:12,684 --> 01:06:14,486
my mom had a burst
ovarian cyst one time.
1659
01:06:14,518 --> 01:06:16,721
I am not gonna burst
anything, all right.
1660
01:06:16,755 --> 01:06:17,923
Don't be afraid. Just
scoot your butt on down.
1661
01:06:17,956 --> 01:06:19,291
[Mary] All right.
1662
01:06:19,324 --> 01:06:21,827
More, more, more, more.
1663
01:06:22,994 --> 01:06:24,630
[sighs] Jello.
1664
01:06:24,663 --> 01:06:25,630
I am jello.
1665
01:06:25,664 --> 01:06:26,698
- Jello.
- Yeah, I'm jello.
1666
01:06:26,731 --> 01:06:28,400
- I am jello.
- Jello, jello.
1667
01:06:28,432 --> 01:06:29,735
I am jello!
1668
01:06:29,768 --> 01:06:33,972
Have you ever seen jello?
It's like this. [burbles]
1669
01:06:34,005 --> 01:06:35,874
Jello. [exhales deeply]
1670
01:06:35,907 --> 01:06:37,643
You're not gettin' outta here
1671
01:06:37,675 --> 01:06:38,610
'til I get a piece of your
cervix, so open it up.
1672
01:06:38,643 --> 01:06:39,577
Wait.
1673
01:06:39,610 --> 01:06:41,612
Come on. You're clenching.
1674
01:06:41,646 --> 01:06:43,615
It's gonna hurt more
the more you clench.
1675
01:06:43,648 --> 01:06:44,983
I'm gonna put it
to you like this.
1676
01:06:45,016 --> 01:06:46,885
This is how wide I'm
gonna need you to be.
1677
01:06:47,985 --> 01:06:48,820
Can we get there?
1678
01:06:49,987 --> 01:06:50,955
It'll...
1679
01:06:53,458 --> 01:06:56,394
[soft pensive music]
1680
01:07:15,012 --> 01:07:16,715
[Mary sighs]
1681
01:07:20,485 --> 01:07:23,387
I don't wanna do this anymore.
1682
01:07:23,420 --> 01:07:25,723
[Mark sighs]
1683
01:07:26,324 --> 01:07:28,559
You could mean a number
of things at this point.
1684
01:07:30,862 --> 01:07:32,064
The open thing.
1685
01:07:34,833 --> 01:07:36,035
Well, maybe I do.
1686
01:07:37,601 --> 01:07:39,704
But you said if one of
us didn't wanna do it,
1687
01:07:39,737 --> 01:07:41,373
we could go back.
1688
01:07:41,405 --> 01:07:43,574
That was the main thing for
you. That was the main rule.
1689
01:07:45,409 --> 01:07:46,677
I changed my mind.
1690
01:07:46,710 --> 01:07:48,846
[Mary] You can't just do that.
1691
01:07:48,880 --> 01:07:50,849
I'm supposed to know
everything I might want
1692
01:07:50,882 --> 01:07:52,084
before I want it?
1693
01:07:52,117 --> 01:07:54,952
I just, I want it
to be just you and me.
1694
01:07:54,985 --> 01:07:57,355
Like you said, just
us again, please.
1695
01:07:59,824 --> 01:08:00,925
It's not just us, Mary.
1696
01:08:02,860 --> 01:08:04,596
It's you and me
and a fucking baby.
1697
01:08:06,864 --> 01:08:09,533
Is there any part of you that
actually wants to keep it?
1698
01:08:09,567 --> 01:08:10,735
[Mary] Of course there is.
1699
01:08:10,768 --> 01:08:11,903
Don't say "of course" to me.
1700
01:08:13,170 --> 01:08:14,939
How can I predict
anything with you
1701
01:08:14,972 --> 01:08:17,943
when you were so classically
un-fucking-predictable?
1702
01:08:17,975 --> 01:08:19,077
I wanna keep it.
1703
01:08:21,912 --> 01:08:23,581
Don't you think it's
weird that we're married,
1704
01:08:23,614 --> 01:08:24,548
and this was an accident?
1705
01:08:24,582 --> 01:08:25,984
I obviously think it's weird,
1706
01:08:26,016 --> 01:08:28,519
but you've trained me not
to know what's up or down.
1707
01:08:29,587 --> 01:08:30,822
[Mary] I don't know why.
1708
01:08:30,854 --> 01:08:33,157
I just feel like
I have to keep it.
1709
01:08:33,190 --> 01:08:35,493
Something is telling
me I have to.
1710
01:08:38,829 --> 01:08:41,132
You trying to bait me
into being the bad guy?
1711
01:08:41,166 --> 01:08:43,467
- No.
- Because I'm not gonna be the bad guy.
1712
01:08:43,501 --> 01:08:45,537
And I'm definitely not
gonna be a bad father.
1713
01:08:46,837 --> 01:08:48,706
But we're not ready for this.
1714
01:08:48,739 --> 01:08:50,074
We are so far
1715
01:08:50,108 --> 01:08:51,777
- from being ready.
- Okay, I get it.
1716
01:08:51,810 --> 01:08:53,678
You know, I don't even
know why I bother speaking.
1717
01:08:53,711 --> 01:08:55,747
We both know you're gonna
do exactly what you want,
1718
01:08:55,779 --> 01:08:56,849
regardless of how I feel.
1719
01:08:57,849 --> 01:08:58,850
How can you say that?
1720
01:08:58,882 --> 01:09:00,551
Because it's true.
1721
01:09:00,585 --> 01:09:02,887
I mean, this whole thing was
your idea from the start.
1722
01:09:02,921 --> 01:09:05,157
Have you seen my
arm? It says Mary.
1723
01:09:05,189 --> 01:09:06,857
Yeah, and mine says Mark.
1724
01:09:06,890 --> 01:09:10,127
Your says Mark, and some
wiggly-dos, and some other shit,
1725
01:09:10,161 --> 01:09:11,797
and some shark fins.
1726
01:09:11,829 --> 01:09:13,131
Mine just says Mary.
1727
01:09:13,163 --> 01:09:14,733
Yeah, your name
and my dead mom.
1728
01:09:14,765 --> 01:09:16,033
- Oh my god.
- Pretty stupid.
1729
01:09:16,067 --> 01:09:17,168
You told me yourself
half those were done
1730
01:09:17,202 --> 01:09:18,737
by wasted ex-boyfriends.
1731
01:09:18,770 --> 01:09:20,472
You are always
twisting the narrative!
1732
01:09:30,047 --> 01:09:32,483
When did you decide that
you hated me this much?
1733
01:09:36,587 --> 01:09:37,154
[keys jingle]
1734
01:09:37,188 --> 01:09:39,925
[car engine revs]
1735
01:09:47,532 --> 01:09:48,766
[drumsticks clacking]
1736
01:09:48,800 --> 01:09:49,935
[Lana] One, two, three, four.
1737
01:09:49,967 --> 01:09:53,438
[grungy energetic music]
1738
01:10:10,688 --> 01:10:12,524
♪ You tell me ♪
1739
01:10:12,556 --> 01:10:14,960
♪ Baby, baby, you should
smile more, honey ♪
1740
01:10:14,993 --> 01:10:17,729
♪ 'Cause you've got a face
like a Playboy Bunny ♪
1741
01:10:17,761 --> 01:10:19,965
♪ Well, this is gonna
hurt you more than ♪
1742
01:10:19,997 --> 01:10:21,599
Don't stop, pussies!
1743
01:10:21,632 --> 01:10:23,167
♪ Me ♪
1744
01:10:23,201 --> 01:10:25,604
♪ I didn't come, I didn't
come, I didn't come ♪
1745
01:10:25,636 --> 01:10:28,672
♪ Come here for you,
come here for you ♪
1746
01:10:28,706 --> 01:10:31,009
♪ I didn't come, I didn't
come, I didn't come ♪
1747
01:10:31,042 --> 01:10:35,847
♪ Come here for you,
come here for you ♪
1748
01:10:35,880 --> 01:10:37,181
Here.
1749
01:10:37,215 --> 01:10:38,884
What is going on?
1750
01:10:40,118 --> 01:10:41,553
What's wrong?
1751
01:10:41,586 --> 01:10:43,288
[Mary sniffles]
1752
01:10:43,320 --> 01:10:44,922
[cellphone beeps]
1753
01:10:48,960 --> 01:10:49,795
Fuck.
1754
01:10:51,162 --> 01:10:52,097
[Lisa] Hello, this is Lisa
1755
01:10:52,130 --> 01:10:53,832
from the North Hollywood
Public Health Center.
1756
01:10:53,864 --> 01:10:55,300
We have your test results.
1757
01:10:55,332 --> 01:10:57,969
Please return at 818-
[cellphone clicks]
1758
01:10:58,002 --> 01:10:58,804
What results?
1759
01:11:01,038 --> 01:11:02,541
Mary, if they're
calling you about it,
1760
01:11:02,573 --> 01:11:04,808
then you probably
have whatever it is.
1761
01:11:04,841 --> 01:11:05,877
Thanks, Lana.
1762
01:11:12,050 --> 01:11:13,217
Holy fuck.
1763
01:11:15,118 --> 01:11:17,655
Dude, does that mean that
I would have an STD, too?
1764
01:11:20,158 --> 01:11:21,793
Oh my god, dudes.
1765
01:11:26,130 --> 01:11:27,632
[door clicks]
1766
01:11:27,664 --> 01:11:29,067
[Tori] I can't believe
that you just said that.
1767
01:11:29,100 --> 01:11:30,835
No, if I have an STD
1768
01:11:30,868 --> 01:11:32,003
- right now-
- Yeah, no.
1769
01:11:32,036 --> 01:11:33,672
[Lana] I'm literally
gonna kill myself.
1770
01:11:37,942 --> 01:11:40,145
[Kyle] So you're gonna
have a mystery baby.
1771
01:11:42,947 --> 01:11:43,981
It's gonna cry a lot.
1772
01:11:45,315 --> 01:11:47,019
And it's gonna poop a lot.
1773
01:11:47,685 --> 01:11:48,752
[AJ] Which means
you're gonna have to buy
1774
01:11:48,786 --> 01:11:49,921
a lot of diapers.
1775
01:11:49,953 --> 01:11:51,655
[Kyle] Which means
a lot of money.
1776
01:11:51,689 --> 01:11:53,091
[AJ] You're gonna
have to get babysitters,
1777
01:11:53,123 --> 01:11:54,658
which actually could be dope,
1778
01:11:54,692 --> 01:11:56,094
could be some hot babysitters.
1779
01:11:56,127 --> 01:11:57,162
[Kyle] But it's
also a lot of money.
1780
01:11:57,194 --> 01:11:58,029
Okay, I got it.
1781
01:12:01,832 --> 01:12:02,967
I'll babysit if you want.
1782
01:12:03,001 --> 01:12:06,038
Don't offer that yet.
1783
01:12:06,738 --> 01:12:09,173
You wait until he's desperate,
and you need something.
1784
01:12:09,207 --> 01:12:10,307
What's wrong with you?
1785
01:12:10,341 --> 01:12:12,177
Just think ahead, dude.
1786
01:12:12,210 --> 01:12:13,877
[Mark sobs]
Think, hey, hey, hey.
1787
01:12:13,911 --> 01:12:14,779
Hey.
1788
01:12:14,811 --> 01:12:15,680
No.
1789
01:12:15,712 --> 01:12:16,280
Oh fuck.
1790
01:12:17,280 --> 01:12:19,850
[Mark sobbing]
1791
01:12:21,918 --> 01:12:23,787
Hey, hey, no, no, no, no.
1792
01:12:23,820 --> 01:12:25,390
- We love you, man.
- We love you.
1793
01:12:25,422 --> 01:12:26,957
- A lot.
- A lot.
1794
01:12:26,990 --> 01:12:31,095
Like, whatever you need,
to a reasonable point-
1795
01:12:31,128 --> 01:12:32,730
[cellphone buzzing]
1796
01:12:32,764 --> 01:12:33,699
Oh.
1797
01:12:36,434 --> 01:12:37,369
Is it Mary?
1798
01:12:37,402 --> 01:12:38,837
Is it? Put it on speaker.
1799
01:12:38,869 --> 01:12:39,837
Dude, shut up.
1800
01:12:39,871 --> 01:12:41,038
- We're in it.
- Just...
1801
01:12:41,072 --> 01:12:42,207
Hello? Just give me a
second [indistinct].
1802
01:12:46,677 --> 01:12:47,979
You're gonna babysit?
1803
01:12:48,011 --> 01:12:49,046
No, of course I
don't wanna babysit.
1804
01:12:49,079 --> 01:12:51,048
Well, what the fuck, man?
1805
01:12:51,082 --> 01:12:53,251
You better hope he's high
enough to forget that.
1806
01:12:53,283 --> 01:12:54,885
Do you wanna be "Two
and a Half Men"?
1807
01:12:57,020 --> 01:12:57,988
No.
1808
01:12:58,021 --> 01:12:59,823
Fuck.
1809
01:12:59,856 --> 01:13:01,059
I'm having a panic attack.
1810
01:13:01,091 --> 01:13:05,229
This is why it's good
to be bi, you know?
1811
01:13:05,262 --> 01:13:07,698
You can just stick
with dudes and-
1812
01:13:07,731 --> 01:13:09,234
- Stick with just
1813
01:13:09,266 --> 01:13:11,068
- men exclusively?
- Just men, exclusively.
1814
01:13:11,101 --> 01:13:12,136
Okay, well that's just gay.
1815
01:13:12,170 --> 01:13:14,373
Yeah, maybe I'm gay.
1816
01:13:15,939 --> 01:13:17,174
[exhales deeply]
Am I gonna hit that,
1817
01:13:17,207 --> 01:13:18,242
or are you just gonna
fuckin' sit with it?
1818
01:13:18,275 --> 01:13:21,945
[cellphone ringing]
1819
01:13:21,979 --> 01:13:23,114
North Hollywood
Public Health Center,
1820
01:13:23,146 --> 01:13:24,948
this is Lisa speaking.
1821
01:13:24,981 --> 01:13:26,784
Hi, this is Mary Lewis.
I just missed your call.
1822
01:13:26,818 --> 01:13:27,452
Please hold.
[phone beeps]
1823
01:13:27,484 --> 01:13:29,920
[gentle music]
1824
01:13:35,225 --> 01:13:37,394
[Automated Ad] Suffering
from a dry or itchy vagina?
1825
01:13:37,427 --> 01:13:39,130
- Are you fucking kidding me?
- It may be a syndrome
1826
01:13:39,162 --> 01:13:42,166
called menopause
vaginal dryness.
1827
01:13:42,199 --> 01:13:44,402
A lubricant might be for you.
1828
01:13:44,435 --> 01:13:48,972
Try our All Natural Wild Yam
Vaginal Moisturizing Gel today,
1829
01:13:49,006 --> 01:13:52,210
currently available
in 1.5 to 3 ounces.
1830
01:13:52,243 --> 01:13:53,078
[gentle music]
1831
01:13:53,110 --> 01:13:53,944
Oh fuck.
1832
01:13:55,846 --> 01:13:57,148
[Lisa] Hello? Are you there?
1833
01:13:57,180 --> 01:13:58,782
Yeah, yeah.
1834
01:13:58,815 --> 01:14:00,818
The results of your
paternity test are back.
1835
01:14:02,386 --> 01:14:04,956
[gentle music]
1836
01:14:13,430 --> 01:14:15,733
Thank you for your patience.
1837
01:14:15,766 --> 01:14:20,104
So your results are back,
and they're positive for, uh,
1838
01:14:20,137 --> 01:14:21,206
[keystrokes clacking]
1839
01:14:21,238 --> 01:14:22,506
oh, for HPV.
1840
01:14:22,539 --> 01:14:23,307
Fuck.
1841
01:14:25,909 --> 01:14:27,211
I'm sorry.
1842
01:14:27,244 --> 01:14:28,880
[Lisa] Oh, no, it's fine.
I hear it all the time.
1843
01:14:29,913 --> 01:14:33,016
Can you tell me if it's the
good kind or the bad kind?
1844
01:14:33,050 --> 01:14:36,020
Or not, not, not the good...
1845
01:14:36,052 --> 01:14:39,224
Can you, can you tell me
if it's the cancer kind
1846
01:14:39,256 --> 01:14:41,425
or the not-cancer kind, please?
1847
01:14:41,458 --> 01:14:43,862
[Lisa] Mm, you're gonna
have to schedule follow-up
1848
01:14:43,895 --> 01:14:45,029
with Dr. Jacobs.
1849
01:14:45,061 --> 01:14:46,229
Okay, but if it
was the bad kind,
1850
01:14:46,262 --> 01:14:48,867
I would have symptoms, right?
I don't have any symptoms.
1851
01:14:48,899 --> 01:14:50,400
[Lisa] Yeah, I can't answer
these questions for you.
1852
01:14:50,434 --> 01:14:51,836
You're gonna have to come in.
1853
01:14:51,868 --> 01:14:53,537
So would you like to
set up an appointment?
1854
01:14:53,570 --> 01:14:56,408
How is, uh, how's Wednesday?
[cellphone chimes]
1855
01:14:58,176 --> 01:14:59,010
Hello?
1856
01:15:00,144 --> 01:15:00,979
Hello?
1857
01:15:05,550 --> 01:15:07,217
[Mark] You want a drink?
1858
01:15:07,251 --> 01:15:08,186
Probably shouldn't.
1859
01:15:09,287 --> 01:15:10,922
Oh, right.
1860
01:15:11,756 --> 01:15:17,295
Hey, I wanted to say I'm
sorry for my part in all this.
1861
01:15:17,328 --> 01:15:21,132
And I shouldn't have suggested
that I wasn't in father.
1862
01:15:21,164 --> 01:15:22,167
I got the call.
1863
01:15:23,868 --> 01:15:24,970
It's fine.
1864
01:15:25,670 --> 01:15:27,204
And I probably
shouldn't have suggested
1865
01:15:27,238 --> 01:15:29,775
that we don't keep the baby.
1866
01:15:31,509 --> 01:15:32,444
It's okay.
1867
01:15:33,511 --> 01:15:34,946
If we're gonna do this,
1868
01:15:34,979 --> 01:15:36,414
we're gonna need to get
more permanent jobs,
1869
01:15:36,447 --> 01:15:38,382
and we're gonna need
to sell some stuff
1870
01:15:38,416 --> 01:15:40,985
and really just save
up everything we can.
1871
01:15:45,122 --> 01:15:46,490
You're not saying anything.
1872
01:15:48,391 --> 01:15:51,095
[Mary sighs]
1873
01:15:51,863 --> 01:15:54,199
I have HPV.
1874
01:15:55,265 --> 01:15:56,433
What?
1875
01:15:56,466 --> 01:15:57,935
I'm sure it's
nothing, I just...
1876
01:15:57,969 --> 01:15:59,304
I didn't want to
sit here with you,
1877
01:15:59,337 --> 01:16:01,206
and you look so
pretty and candle-lit,
1878
01:16:01,238 --> 01:16:03,040
and, like, lie to
you or something,
1879
01:16:03,073 --> 01:16:05,342
or not lie, but, like, withhold.
1880
01:16:05,376 --> 01:16:07,244
So you probably
gave me an STD?
1881
01:16:07,278 --> 01:16:09,146
Can you lower your volume?
1882
01:16:09,180 --> 01:16:10,849
I thought you got Gardasil.
1883
01:16:10,881 --> 01:16:13,483
I did, a long time ago, and
my insurance didn't cover it,
1884
01:16:13,516 --> 01:16:14,586
and you have to
get three rounds,
1885
01:16:14,618 --> 01:16:16,086
so after the first
round, I just...
1886
01:16:17,654 --> 01:16:20,090
You could've given it to
me. These things are silent.
1887
01:16:20,123 --> 01:16:21,358
Yeah, silent killers.
1888
01:16:21,391 --> 01:16:22,993
I don't even know
what it means yet.
1889
01:16:23,027 --> 01:16:24,295
Oh god, I'm already itchy.
1890
01:16:24,328 --> 01:16:26,531
Oh my god, by the way,
1891
01:16:26,564 --> 01:16:28,466
there isn't even an
HPV test for men.
1892
01:16:28,498 --> 01:16:30,335
So you could have
been born with it,
1893
01:16:30,368 --> 01:16:32,036
or it's been dormant
this whole time,
1894
01:16:32,069 --> 01:16:33,504
and this isn't even a big deal.
1895
01:16:33,537 --> 01:16:35,506
It's not automatically me.
[Mark scoffs]
1896
01:16:35,538 --> 01:16:37,207
Learn to fuckin'
deal with things.
1897
01:16:37,240 --> 01:16:38,408
Says the girl still in a band.
1898
01:16:38,442 --> 01:16:39,409
We need therapy.
1899
01:16:39,443 --> 01:16:41,046
We can't afford therapy.
1900
01:16:46,684 --> 01:16:49,186
[uneasy music]
1901
01:16:52,555 --> 01:16:53,424
Mm-hmm.
1902
01:16:54,692 --> 01:16:55,594
Yep, takeout.
1903
01:17:01,631 --> 01:17:04,167
Learning Spanish is easy.
1904
01:17:04,201 --> 01:17:07,038
Once you understand conjugation,
you're well on your way.
1905
01:17:07,304 --> 01:17:08,539
Sí se puede.
1906
01:17:11,309 --> 01:17:14,012
[camera clicking]
1907
01:17:16,646 --> 01:17:18,382
How should we list them for?
1908
01:17:18,416 --> 01:17:19,484
How much does a crib cost?
1909
01:17:21,385 --> 01:17:24,588
[uneasy music continues]
1910
01:17:34,332 --> 01:17:35,166
Hey.
1911
01:17:36,199 --> 01:17:37,167
You're far away.
1912
01:17:41,439 --> 01:17:44,175
Your toenails are super sharp.
1913
01:17:45,609 --> 01:17:47,245
I meant emotionally.
1914
01:17:47,278 --> 01:17:50,615
No, I know, but they're
really sharp, and I can feel it.
1915
01:17:52,149 --> 01:17:53,351
But I cut them last week.
1916
01:17:54,719 --> 01:17:55,619
I don't know what to tell you.
1917
01:17:55,653 --> 01:17:56,554
They're super fast-growing.
1918
01:17:56,587 --> 01:17:59,057
[laughs] They're not that bad.
1919
01:17:59,090 --> 01:18:01,125
Yes, they are. They're
like little steak knives.
1920
01:18:01,158 --> 01:18:02,293
That's extreme.
1921
01:18:02,326 --> 01:18:04,162
They're like serrated,
1922
01:18:04,194 --> 01:18:06,663
and they cut my legs in the
night when I'm sleeping.
1923
01:18:06,697 --> 01:18:08,099
My legs are afraid.
1924
01:18:11,202 --> 01:18:14,204
[bright buoyant music]
1925
01:18:32,722 --> 01:18:35,060
This is sweet. I love it.
1926
01:18:38,261 --> 01:18:39,429
Are you gonna look
at my presents now?
1927
01:18:39,462 --> 01:18:40,398
- Yes, okay.
- Open hers.
1928
01:18:40,430 --> 01:18:41,498
Is it [indistinct]?
1929
01:18:41,532 --> 01:18:42,300
No, no, no.
1930
01:18:43,567 --> 01:18:45,136
I have an outie.
1931
01:18:45,168 --> 01:18:49,106
[bright buoyant music continues]
1932
01:18:51,408 --> 01:18:54,011
[music stops]
1933
01:18:59,182 --> 01:19:01,519
[Mary sobbing]
1934
01:19:36,587 --> 01:19:38,423
[lamp clicks]
1935
01:19:38,456 --> 01:19:39,524
[Mary exhales deeply]
1936
01:19:39,556 --> 01:19:44,161
♪ I heard about being young ♪
1937
01:19:44,194 --> 01:19:48,698
♪ But I'm not sure
how it's done ♪
1938
01:19:48,731 --> 01:19:53,403
♪ Thought I heard a mumble ♪
1939
01:19:53,436 --> 01:19:58,309
♪ Somethin' about fun ♪
1940
01:19:59,577 --> 01:20:01,311
♪ Fun ♪
1941
01:20:04,515 --> 01:20:08,552
[cellphone chimes]
♪ Easy for you to say, I say ♪
1942
01:20:08,586 --> 01:20:13,524
♪ I say this to you every day ♪
1943
01:20:13,556 --> 01:20:17,461
♪ Easy for you to say ♪
1944
01:20:17,494 --> 01:20:21,798
♪ The sky is a special
orange streak ♪
1945
01:20:21,832 --> 01:20:25,536
♪ Between balloons, two moons ♪
1946
01:20:25,569 --> 01:20:30,575
♪ A leak of light in a
blue town like this ♪
1947
01:20:31,341 --> 01:20:35,812
♪ The clouds are
you, the sky a kiss ♪
1948
01:20:35,845 --> 01:20:40,617
♪ That never shows
or comes, oh what ♪
1949
01:20:40,650 --> 01:20:44,889
♪ A waste sits in
the parking lot ♪
1950
01:20:44,921 --> 01:20:49,126
♪ I just wanna be
alive, that's it ♪
1951
01:20:51,561 --> 01:20:54,364
[keystrokes tapping]
1952
01:20:57,167 --> 01:21:01,671
♪ Alive ♪
1953
01:21:01,704 --> 01:21:04,442
♪ Alive ♪
1954
01:21:10,480 --> 01:21:13,885
[mellow music]
♪ I think about you and cry ♪
1955
01:21:13,917 --> 01:21:16,353
♪ All alone ♪
1956
01:21:16,386 --> 01:21:19,256
♪ Stolen like candy ♪
1957
01:21:20,658 --> 01:21:21,326
[upbeat music]
♪ What's the point of ♪
1958
01:21:21,359 --> 01:21:25,196
♪ Fakin' it, this big talk ♪
1959
01:21:26,063 --> 01:21:31,336
♪ Oh, a drink in my hand ain't
the only life I wanna know ♪
1960
01:21:31,969 --> 01:21:33,304
♪ Is it wrong ♪
[tense tones swell]
1961
01:21:38,242 --> 01:21:40,878
So whose responsibility is it
1962
01:21:40,911 --> 01:21:43,948
to make this not so weird?
1963
01:21:43,980 --> 01:21:45,750
[all laughing]
1964
01:21:45,783 --> 01:21:46,884
I think that's on you two.
1965
01:21:46,917 --> 01:21:48,319
[Mark and Mary laugh]
1966
01:21:48,351 --> 01:21:50,188
I'm just gonna fold
and unfold my napkin
1967
01:21:50,220 --> 01:21:52,289
until somebody says my name.
1968
01:21:52,323 --> 01:21:53,791
[all laughing]
1969
01:21:53,823 --> 01:21:55,859
That's really funny.
1970
01:21:56,292 --> 01:21:59,329
So, Mary, what do you
do, like for work?
1971
01:21:59,363 --> 01:22:00,264
I'm a waitress.
1972
01:22:00,296 --> 01:22:01,798
And a wonderful singer.
1973
01:22:01,832 --> 01:22:02,867
[Mary] An average singer.
1974
01:22:02,899 --> 01:22:03,967
She has a beautiful voice.
1975
01:22:04,001 --> 01:22:04,936
That's generous.
1976
01:22:04,969 --> 01:22:06,436
It literally makes me cry.
1977
01:22:07,871 --> 01:22:09,407
Wow.
1978
01:22:09,439 --> 01:22:11,641
We're actually workin'
on a project together,
1979
01:22:11,675 --> 01:22:13,543
but I had a little hand injury.
1980
01:22:13,577 --> 01:22:15,947
I was a guitar player, and
I was cleaning a wine glass,
1981
01:22:15,979 --> 01:22:18,982
and it completely
shattered in my hand.
1982
01:22:19,015 --> 01:22:22,819
Uh, four surgeries later,
I'm kind of stuck here.
1983
01:22:22,853 --> 01:22:23,721
I mean, you really
can't open it.
1984
01:22:23,753 --> 01:22:26,623
Here, give it a
shot. Try to open it.
1985
01:22:26,657 --> 01:22:28,326
Come on, Mark. Come on, Mark.
1986
01:22:28,359 --> 01:22:29,360
[Mary] Come on.
1987
01:22:29,393 --> 01:22:30,328
- [Aaron shouts]
- Oh!
1988
01:22:30,360 --> 01:22:31,729
[all laughing]
1989
01:22:31,761 --> 01:22:33,730
Oh yeah, it'll sneak up
on you, just like that.
1990
01:22:33,764 --> 01:22:34,765
- Wow.
- That's really weird.
1991
01:22:34,797 --> 01:22:35,966
- Yeah, yeah.
- Four surgeries,
1992
01:22:36,000 --> 01:22:37,368
and that's what they did?
1993
01:22:38,868 --> 01:22:40,704
Yeah, that's it, that was...
Yeah.
1994
01:22:40,738 --> 01:22:41,972
That's it? Are they done?
1995
01:22:42,006 --> 01:22:43,641
I like that finger.
It's my favorite one.
1996
01:22:44,041 --> 01:22:44,976
Yeah.
1997
01:22:46,577 --> 01:22:49,579
So, uh, Mark, what do you do?
1998
01:22:49,613 --> 01:22:52,750
I'm just splittin' my time
between here and Ventura.
1999
01:22:52,783 --> 01:22:55,019
Yeah, I work with my
dad's plastics company,
2000
01:22:55,051 --> 01:22:55,987
Make-It Manufacturing.
2001
01:22:56,886 --> 01:22:57,755
Cool.
2002
01:22:58,956 --> 01:23:00,824
Uh, so what do you guys make?
2003
01:23:02,926 --> 01:23:04,629
Uh, plastic?
2004
01:23:04,662 --> 01:23:05,496
Hmm.
2005
01:23:07,497 --> 01:23:08,965
Well, the ocean, I guess, huh?
2006
01:23:08,998 --> 01:23:12,369
[all laughing]
2007
01:23:12,403 --> 01:23:13,436
Yeah, that's good.
2008
01:23:13,470 --> 01:23:14,739
Yeah, you know. Yeah.
2009
01:23:14,771 --> 01:23:16,740
[Mary] He's kidding.
2010
01:23:16,774 --> 01:23:18,576
No, we feel bad
about that, but-
2011
01:23:18,609 --> 01:23:20,511
- I mean, you kind
of need plastic.
2012
01:23:21,944 --> 01:23:23,380
Still.
2013
01:23:23,413 --> 01:23:25,448
Uh, you guys hungry?
2014
01:23:25,481 --> 01:23:27,784
Yeah, I was gonna get the BLT.
2015
01:23:27,818 --> 01:23:29,887
- The BLT, mm, bacon.
- Hmm.
2016
01:23:29,920 --> 01:23:31,855
You gotta worry about that
factory farming, though, right?
2017
01:23:31,889 --> 01:23:34,792
That has a huge footprint as
well, so, poor little piggies.
2018
01:23:34,824 --> 01:23:35,792
Touché, man.
2019
01:23:35,826 --> 01:23:38,462
[all laughing]
2020
01:23:41,965 --> 01:23:44,534
[tense music]
2021
01:23:48,072 --> 01:23:49,407
Well...
2022
01:23:49,640 --> 01:23:52,744
[wistful electronic music]
2023
01:24:01,819 --> 01:24:06,724
♪ You and me, always, forever ♪
2024
01:24:07,224 --> 01:24:12,697
♪ We could stay alone together ♪
2025
01:24:13,329 --> 01:24:18,735
♪ You and me, always, forever ♪
2026
01:24:19,336 --> 01:24:23,574
♪ Say you'll stay,
never be severed ♪
2027
01:24:31,081 --> 01:24:36,054
♪ You and me, always, forever ♪
2028
01:24:36,987 --> 01:24:42,025
♪ We can stay alone together ♪
2029
01:24:42,760 --> 01:24:46,998
♪ Darlin', don't
get away right now ♪
2030
01:24:48,097 --> 01:24:51,702
[music brightens and swells]
2031
01:24:54,771 --> 01:24:59,844
♪ You know you've got
me in your pocket ♪
2032
01:25:00,109 --> 01:25:05,515
♪ Just come here, and
we can settle down ♪
2033
01:25:05,882 --> 01:25:10,587
♪ Oh darling, it's alarming ♪
2034
01:25:10,820 --> 01:25:15,626
♪ To think of us apart ♪
2035
01:25:18,194 --> 01:25:23,367
♪ You know you've got
me in your pocket ♪
2036
01:25:24,034 --> 01:25:29,072
♪ You don't just
have to wait around ♪
2037
01:25:29,773 --> 01:25:34,945
♪ You know I keep
you in my locket ♪
2038
01:25:35,613 --> 01:25:40,685
♪ Just come here, and
we can settle down ♪
2039
01:25:41,318 --> 01:25:46,623
♪ You and me, always, forever ♪
2040
01:25:47,724 --> 01:25:52,497
♪ We could stay alone together ♪
2041
01:25:53,596 --> 01:25:58,168
♪ You and me, always, forever ♪
2042
01:25:59,470 --> 01:26:03,975
♪ We could stay alone together ♪
2043
01:26:05,074 --> 01:26:09,846
♪ You and me, always, forever ♪
2044
01:26:10,948 --> 01:26:15,753
♪ We could stay alone together ♪
2045
01:26:16,987 --> 01:26:19,757
♪ You and me ♪
2046
01:26:19,789 --> 01:26:20,858
- So-
- Should we-
2047
01:26:20,890 --> 01:26:21,958
- Go ahead, go ahead.
2048
01:26:21,992 --> 01:26:22,860
No, no, what
were you gonna say?
2049
01:26:22,893 --> 01:26:24,962
I, uh, are we
gonna do this now or-
2050
01:26:24,994 --> 01:26:25,996
- Well-
2051
01:26:26,029 --> 01:26:27,432
- You want a shot or somethin'?
2052
01:26:29,600 --> 01:26:30,601
Okay.
2053
01:26:30,634 --> 01:26:31,536
- Okay.
- All right.
2054
01:26:32,802 --> 01:26:34,939
- So, um, maybe.
- Yeah.
2055
01:26:34,971 --> 01:26:36,039
- Both of you guys.
- Are y'all gonna,
2056
01:26:36,073 --> 01:26:37,074
and then I-
2057
01:26:37,106 --> 01:26:37,908
- Yeah.
- That's brilliant.
2058
01:26:37,940 --> 01:26:38,708
- Uh-huh.
- Mm-hmm.
2059
01:26:38,742 --> 01:26:39,710
- Uh.
- Okay.
2060
01:26:41,944 --> 01:26:42,880
[man exhales deeply]
2061
01:26:42,912 --> 01:26:43,913
[man clears throat]
2062
01:26:43,947 --> 01:26:44,981
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
2063
01:26:45,015 --> 01:26:45,750
Mm-hmm.
2064
01:26:47,951 --> 01:26:50,054
Ah yes. [laughs]
2065
01:26:50,386 --> 01:26:52,922
♪ We're hell raisers ♪
2066
01:26:52,956 --> 01:26:55,592
♪ Death wish cravers ♪
2067
01:26:55,626 --> 01:27:00,030
♪ We're runnin'
with razor blades ♪
2068
01:27:00,063 --> 01:27:04,902
♪ Party favors, sex
with strangers ♪
2069
01:27:04,935 --> 01:27:09,707
♪ We don't care what
the neighbors say ♪
2070
01:27:09,739 --> 01:27:13,710
♪ If this is how
it's gonna end ♪
2071
01:27:13,743 --> 01:27:16,746
♪ 'Cause it feels all right ♪
2072
01:27:16,779 --> 01:27:19,015
♪ Baby, let's get sick again ♪
2073
01:27:19,048 --> 01:27:21,719
[upbeat music]
2074
01:27:23,587 --> 01:27:28,158
♪ I'm crawlin' of
the dead man's bed ♪
2075
01:27:28,190 --> 01:27:30,594
♪ Well, we don't wanna know ♪
2076
01:27:30,627 --> 01:27:32,963
♪ Well, we don't wanna know ♪
2077
01:27:32,996 --> 01:27:37,667
♪ I'm killin' myself
just to live ♪
2078
01:27:37,701 --> 01:27:40,069
♪ Well, we don't wanna go ♪
2079
01:27:40,103 --> 01:27:42,706
♪ Well, we don't wanna go ♪
2080
01:27:42,738 --> 01:27:44,974
♪ We're hell raisers ♪
2081
01:27:45,007 --> 01:27:47,545
♪ Death wish cravers ♪
2082
01:27:47,578 --> 01:27:52,016
♪ We're runnin'
with razor blades ♪
2083
01:27:52,048 --> 01:27:57,054
♪ Party favors, sex
with strangers ♪
2084
01:27:57,087 --> 01:28:01,759
♪ We don't care what
the neighbors say ♪
2085
01:28:02,960 --> 01:28:05,762
♪ If this is how
it's gonna end ♪
2086
01:28:05,796 --> 01:28:08,666
♪ 'Cause it feels all right ♪
2087
01:28:08,698 --> 01:28:11,167
♪ Baby, let's get sick again ♪
2088
01:28:11,201 --> 01:28:16,006
[music slows]
[singers harmonizing]
2089
01:28:26,984 --> 01:28:29,620
[music quickens]
2090
01:28:46,036 --> 01:28:48,005
♪ We're hell raisers ♪
2091
01:28:48,037 --> 01:28:50,607
♪ Death wish cravers ♪
2092
01:28:50,640 --> 01:28:55,211
♪ We're runnin'
with razor blades ♪
2093
01:28:55,244 --> 01:29:00,149
♪ Party favors, sex
with strangers ♪
2094
01:29:00,182 --> 01:29:04,854
♪ We don't care what
the neighbors say ♪
2095
01:29:06,122 --> 01:29:08,958
♪ If this is how
it's gonna end ♪
2096
01:29:08,992 --> 01:29:11,929
♪ 'Cause it feels all right ♪
2097
01:29:11,962 --> 01:29:16,100
♪ Baby, let's get sick again ♪
2098
01:29:16,132 --> 01:29:17,867
[Man] There we go.
2099
01:29:17,922 --> 01:29:19,281
Provided by explosiveskull
https://twitter.com/kaboomskull
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