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Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

Once bread becomes toast,

it can never become bread again.

Once you've made a mistake, you look at that moment.

You think of everything

that you could have done differently,

but that moment is gone.

Every yes instead of no, every left instead of right.

My life could have changed.

Like, I had this cute redhead crush from my art class

named Stephanie handcuffed to my bedpost

at my parents' house.

I couldn't have been a day over 16, and she was older.

I know because she drove us there.

And...

Redheads were like this county fair cotton candy.

It started as a joke, really.

I had these handcuffs that I lost the key to,

but I taught myself how to pick them.

Well, the truth is, I had no idea

what to do with a hot girl.

I thought I did, and handcuffs were like

these dirty-sounding things for some reason.

Anyway, I've got this hot redhead

chained to my bed,

And I slowly work up the nerve,

not to kiss her like some smooth guy,

but to dive headlong into taking her shirt off,

button by button,

like the greatest Christmas present

a Jewish boy ever had.

And I'm just hypnotized by these sweet little bubblegum

pink nipples that are so hard, they're ready to bounce off

these milky white, slightly tan,

lightly freckled titties

that are pointing up towards the sky.

Ahh.

So I move in slowly, just planning my attack,

thinking about everything I'm gonna do,

each button closer,

like my life is going to spring forward

into having meaning for the first time,

because as far as I know,

I'm about to bang the shit out of this really hot redhead.

Every American boy's dream.

And then I hear my parents' car crunching gravel outside.

Then I hear my sister's voice

calling as she's coming up the stairs.

Now, have you ever tried to pick a tiny handcuff lock

while you have a raging boner

and thinking about where you're gonna hide a hot redhead?

I tell you, it can't be done.

So, my sister comes barreling up the stairs,

tries to walk in,

and I jam the door shut with my foot.

But it's too late. She can already see

the pair of feet that are tied to the bed.

It's not like she doesn't know I have a girl in my room

or that she doesn't recognize the car outside, right?

So, she is such a tattletale.

She runs downstairs, yells to my mother,

"Michael's got Stephanie tied to his bed,

and he won't open the door."

Stephanie is just mortified and freaked out.

I think about every little thing

that I could have done differently

not to get caught, but...

you know, there's no choice,

and it's not I can jump out of the window.

So I throw on my jeans. I go downstairs.

Stephanie waits upstairs.

I see my parents at the dining table

in their swivel chairs

like some job interview.

They're just shaking their disappointed mom and dad heads.

I don't deny anything because, you know, what's the point?

I just wait for the hammer to drop.

Wait for them to start screaming and shouting.

But after a long, awkward silence,

you know what they do?

They look at each other, they look at me.

My mom reaches into her purse and grabs $10

and tells me to take Stephanie to Burger King.

Could have been a fucking commercial from Burger King,

come to think of it.

Michael, tell me what happened.

So I took her to Burger King.

- I'm sorry? - What?

- I need you to listen to me. - Okay.

I'm going to have to cut you off.

You're not listening to me.

Focus.

I'm sorry, what was the question?

Can you recall exactly how it was that you died?

- What? - I want you to concentrate.

Think very hard, please. What is your very last memory?

Try to reach out and pull it in.

What happened? What?

Keep going, keep going.

- No, I see it. - Excuse us.

- And it's delayed. - Ugh! After all that?

After all that.

I'm getting a drink.

- Oh, Jesus. - What? Don't even.

I didn't say anything.

My iPhone said the flight was on time.

Yeah, well, we don't really control the apps here,

just the official board behind me.

"Just the official board behind her."

Sorry.

I don't even know why I'm doing this.

I just had a family trip three weeks ago.

My family, which is bad enough.

Your family is your family, not my family.

We should get back. The plane should be boarding.

Yeah.

I can't do this.

It's not right with us, and you want me to pretend that it is.

I did that for 10 years in my marriage,

and I'm not doing it again with you.

I'm sorry.

You're not gonna say anything to me?

Amy.

We will now begin boarding for service to Pittsburgh.

All active military...

- Amy, I just... - ...any disabled people,

and all Ruby Class and Gold Class club members.

- Amy, just... - We will now begin boarding

rows one through eight for service to Pittsburgh.

Amy, please just see how you feel

when you get there, okay?

No, I'm sorry.

I'm gonna get a cab back to the apartment.

Just go without me, go have fun with your parents, okay?

Uh, wait.

- Sorry. - It's fine.

How many times do I have to tell you

not to touch people?

Why does it look like you're smiling?

You think this is funny? Is that what you think?

I'm not smiling, okay? Just...

I knew when you ordered two vodka sodas,

you weren't going to get on that plane.

Oh, you think this has to do with my drinking?

- Yeah. - Well, whatever.

This is not because of my drinking.

- Okay. - Okay?

I've been thinking about this for a long time.

You don't have anything else to say to me?

Just seems funny that if one plane isn't delayed

for an hour, we don't break up.

One little connecting flight from Dallas isn't late.

Maybe one little engine problem is the difference

between you and I staring into the eyes of our grandchildren

and being buried together 50 years from now

or you getting in a cab

and going home to a new life without me.

No.

This would have happened back at your parents' condo

or back home, okay?

- Maybe you're right. - Or...

Okay.

You're not serious.

Jesus.

So you guys broke up?

And this time I'm gonna hold her to it.

For real this time?

I told her the next drunk panic breakup was it.

- Are you sure? - Christ.

I just realized I don't have any money for the toll.

Goddamn toll is only a goddamn quarter.

- You don't have any money? - Nope, don't have a quarter.

Yeah, nope, thought I was getting on the plane.

- Man. - Now I've got to get off

the goddamn exit and go to the ATM.

I can't believe this, man.

Are you still there?

- Yeah, and I missed the ramp. - Where are you?

Yeah, I just gotta back up now.

- On the highway? - Uh-huh, on the highway.

Shush.

- You're doing what? - What?

In the middle of a fucking highway?

Are you crazy?

I hope you're all right. None of my business.

Do what you want, which you will.

That's really the last thing I remember.

I think that's all.

Let me think.

Try to remember. You can do it.

Open your mind.

I still have this quarter.

Where did you get that quarter?

Picked it up.

You picked up the quarter. And then what do you remember?

That I hit something?

Think it through, Michael.

It's easier if you figure it out for yourself.

Something hit my car.

A truck hit your car.

What's the very next thing you remember?

Sitting right here.

I told you about the redhead.

I knew you'd get it. Very good.

- Am I in a hospital? - No.

- Are you a doctor? - No, I'm not a doctor.

This isn't a hospital. I am here to help you.

My name is Scarlett.

Okay, Scarlett. Am I in rehab or something?

I mean, I wasn't drinking.

Think, Michael.

Remember, and then hold on to the memory

and bring it back with you.

It's important.

Am I in heaven or something?

You're dead, Michael,

and I am very sorry about that.

You have my deepest condolences.

But you're not finished yet.

There are some loose ends.

What are you talking about, "loose ends?"

Wait.

No, no, I can't be dead. I got stuff to do.

- No. - No, no.

I got a one man-show I'm doing. Opening night is coming up.

No.

How long have I been here? I've got to get home.

I've got to take care of Banshee, my cat.

You're not thinking this through.

Oh, yeah. Yes, I am.

I am thinking this all the way through, okay?

I can't be dead, all right? I have obligations.

Can I make a call? Where's my phone?

God dammit! Ah!

What happened?

- You are dead. - Huh.

But you have left

one important detail unfinished.

Oh. Oh, shit.

I'm not religious.

Not that.

I'm talking about your soul mate.

I mean, my parents were Jewish,

but we had a Christmas tree.

Couldn't call it a Christmas tree.

It was very confusing.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. My soul, did you say?

Not your soul. Your soul mate.

Unfortunately, you died single.

That left your soul incomplete.

So?

Well, that's a problem. I'm sorry.

Come to think of it,

my girlfriend did just break up with me.

Souls cross over in pairs and only in pairs.

You have to find a soul mate.

You're kidding. How?

It's not as difficult as it might sound,

but it can be daunting for some people.

You don't say. People are weirded out by this?

Some people have trouble adjusting to being dead.

And then, yes, the dating.

- You're serious. - You need to focus.

You realize I've been dating my whole life

without much success?

Yes, and that's why we're here now.

The soul mate cliché is quite real.

That's why everyone makes such a big deal about it,

whether they know it on some subconscious level or not.

You'll have to find one before you go on,

or there won't be any going on.

Go on to what?

You'll find out once you find someone.

Souls come in alone, but they go out in pairs.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

It is the purpose, the secret,

the meaning of life, you might say.

You realize this is fucked up, right?

I mean, what about little kids who died,

or people who get married three times?

I mean, who do they move on with?

I'm not gonna argue with you, Michael.

Wait. So I die...

then I have to meet a girl.

It doesn't have to be a girl. It doesn't have to be a guy.

It just has to be the right person for you.

And they have to feel the same way too, or no go.

People go their whole lives without finding

- the right person. - Yes.

And then they end up here in my office

muttering about redheads

and asking what happened till I get them to focus.

- Uh-huh. - This can take time.

So like, find a simultaneous orgasm or bust?

Exactly, but without the sex.

Sex clouds the mind, so we've unclouded it for you.

Thank you.

Clarity is gonna come in handy.

You'll see.

I mean...

Where do I even start?

Just remember, things are different here.

Removing those things allows you to focus

on what's really important.

So I just ask dead girls on dates?

Sure. Why not?

Great.

Are you free for dinner?

I have a soul mate, Michael, and I've already crossed over.

You're not the first person to make that joke,

and I can tell you it just keeps getting funnier.

Now, you have to go.

I have literally tens of thousands

of appointments today.

So, there's an afterlife, and you've moved on,

but while you're here, you have a job?

Yes.

Just sounds like you got a raw deal here, I mean...

I'm here to help you, Michael.

I want to be here.

You have to go.

Go where?

The entire world and all the infinite fish

in the sea are through that door behind you.

All the rotting fish in the sea.

You can go anywhere you want to,

see anything you want to,

and be your truest self for the first time.

No one in the living world can see you or stop you.

With the exception of not being able to eat

and a few other limitations,

the world is your private sandbox.

- Is my mother in on this? - You should get started.

It's time.

- And if I have any questions? - You're on your own,

until you're no longer on your own.

I'll see you when you're ready.

Wait.

Hello?

This sucks.

I'll never get used to not having a phone.

I mean, how do I find anything?

Like literally anything?

You know what? This is great.

Women love men who fish around in their pockets

and talk to themselves.

Come on, ladies.

Hey, buddy, can I ask you a question?

No?

Hello?

Anybody?

Nobody, really?

Oh, thank you, fucking God.

Mwah! Okay.

Yeah! At least we have that!

Oh, yeah. Hello ladies.

Sorry.

Whoop.

You'll do.

Yeah! Needed that.

Hey, what's the matter?

You never seen a dead guy get drunk before?

Shoot, I'm too gone, right?

Oh, yeah!

I never liked you anyway.

I never liked any of you!

That's why we're here, right?

Nobody loved us. We're all single.

Hey, you know what?

Round of drinks for all my

dearly departed friends.

Hey buddy, excuse me.

Fuck off.

No, I was just gonna ask you a question.

What part of "fuck off" don't you understand?

You deaf, dumb and dead? Eh?

Want to hear it in another language?

Hablo el "fuck off" -o?

Hey, there. Hi.

I'm Mike. What's your name?

Just trying to make a little conversation.

Hey, there.

Hey, I'm Mike.

Hey! Nice pajamas.

Did you die in your sleep or you just lazy?

You can talk to me.

So how do I find my soul mate if no one will talk to me?

I'm trying to play along.

I don't know why you're complaining.

We all got the same problem.

Thank you. You talked to me.

Please, no. I need to know what's going on.

I need to talk to somebody, anybody, please.

It's New York.

Even when you're alive, no one wants to talk to you,

especially when you look desperate.

So what do I do?

Listen, you had the same counseling we all did, right?

Well, it all sucks. It sucks for us all.

You just got to get through it.

It's like hell on Earth. They call it dating.

- Yeah, well, what's the point? - Who said there's a point?

Just think about love and forever.

And what would you say to the girl if it really mattered?

What would you say?

I have no idea where to go.

Yep.

Get in line with the rest of us, buddy.

Wait.

How do I find someone

if I don't see anybody most of the time?

Come on, don't be dumb.

Just squint really hard, and you see whoever you want.

Work on it. It gets easier.

Squint?

Squinting to see people.

Urgh!

Whoa!

Yes!

Saw you!

I see you.

It works.

Are you alive or dead here?

Because I really can't get a read on it.

Always heads.

Heads. I lose again.

This is so unreal.

Where would I go if I was the girl of my dreams?

Excuse me.

Could you even look at me?

- I'm waiting for someone else. - Someone else?

Anyone else.

How do you know it's not worth talking to me?

Educated guess, life experience.

Was it because of the polite way I said "excuse me"?

All right, fine.

So, small talk. How did you die?

Isn't that kind of personal?

I was hit by a truck. You?

Mountain climbing. What did you do with your time?

Is that little laugh supposed to mean

that you died better than I did?

I mean, you could have been hit by a truck.

You ever cross the street before?

- I have to go. - I was an actor.

And you?

Founded an international charity.

Of course you did.

Listen.

I'm sure you're a great guy in your own way

and probably charming,

but that doesn't really go far here.

You can't just hook up.

I didn't say I wanted to.

"Good enough" isn't good enough here.

- So, I'm not even worth a try? - Not for me.

Listen, this is not like the world we're used to.

There's nothing good on TV.

There's nothing on TV. It's literally blank.

Blank.

- TV is blank? - Mm.

We're like dogs.

It's on, but we don't really see it.

Why do I not find that reassuring?

Look around you. Everything here is weird.

But at least we have alcohol.

It doesn't ease the pain of talking to people.

No offense.

How has somebody not snatched you up yet?

It's not that simple.

Listen, when you're here long enough,

you'll learn to see when the spark isn't there.

All right, so what am I supposed to do?

Find some girl.

I don't know, but just don't think

like you're trying to get her in bed.

Don't talk about TV or trivia or politics or food

or any of that shit that used to mean something.

Like... sports.

Nobody here wants to see your baseball card collection,

your ex-wife, your job.

It's all gone, all equal.

Unless I was an actor,

which, in that case, fuck me, right?

You're here to find the person

that you didn't find in life to spend eternity with.

Eternity is a long fucking time.

I mean, I don't even know what I have left to offer.

Then pour yourself a tall, stiff drink

and wait it out.

I've got to at least try.

I guess, I mean... don't I?

It's up to you. I mean...

Take a look around you.

Why are you in a bar?

Where else is there?

Hopefully, for you, something more.

What about for you?

What would you offer a girl like me if you had the chance?

You know that funny tingling feeling you get

when some guy's jerking off to the memory of the night

you looked your best?

On a good night, I could remind you of that.

Yeah, okay.

On a bad night, I could at least make you laugh.

Mm.

Hey! Hey.

How about heads, you stay and have another drink with me?

Tails, I'll leave you alone?

No, thanks.

Your misogyny overwhelms all other charms.

It was gonna be tails anyway.

Jesus, Mary and Johnny Weissmuller.

What do I gotta do to get out of this town?

Sorry.

Wait.

Wait, what was...

Hello?

Hello?

Wow.

All right. How's this go again?

Just think hard, strain to see.

Like squinting is good enough.

Come on, just...

All right, you can do this.

Mom.

Just fill the bags, I guess.

Dad.

I'm giving the clothes away so we don't have to sort.

I don't want his things in garbage bags.

Well, what are we going to do with them?

We don't need to rush his things out the door.

No, exactly!

Because, I mean, what's the rush?

Maybe the family wants some of them or his friends.

Some of these are good clothes.

Who's gonna want these?

I mean, none of these are very good clothes, you know.

Okay, some people would kill for that jacket.

And look at this jacket.

Nobody would be caught dead in this jacket.

Mom, we're not here to critique his fashion.

Whatever. You do the clothes.

I'm gonna get the drawers.

I wish you had buried me in that jacket.

I love that fucking jacket.

I met a beautiful girl in that jacket.

Took her home.

Bet you her number's still in the pocket.

Oh, well.

Some homeless guy is gonna have the night of his life.

I can't believe I missed my own funeral.

Look it.

I would have loved to have seen that.

- It's running. - Hmm.

An actor's dream.

His watch is running. It's running.

Yes.

That's all you have to say?

I'm getting the drawers.

No, Barbie. Don't go in the drawers.

Hey, Dad. Somebody?

Can't we just call Bob or Jesse?

I'd really rather have a guy take care of this.

Okay, well, there you go.

- Ugh! - I warned you.

Come on, we're all adults here, right?

Like you've never seen that before.

All right?

20 bucks says there is nothing in that fridge but beer.

There'll be pickles.

I always bring him pickles.

Yeah, well, you know what? You both lose.

There's wine in there too,

and pickles and shit and light beer.

Nothing but beer, 20 bucks?

You're on.

Look. Look in the back.

Pickles. Come on.

Look! Pickles.

- That's right. - See? Pickles.

That's food. Doctors say so.

I shouldn't ask you this, but...

were you disappointed in him, what he did with his life?

What he didn't do?

What kind of question is that?

Not a bit. He was who he was,

and he wasn't gonna be anybody else.

If you have kids who are kind and decent,

wishing them a different life

is like hoping an oak tree will up and grow pine needles.

What does that even mean? My son wasn't a tree.

I didn't care if he was successful,

not for its own sake.

I didn't want him to go into retail, necessarily.

Not even a little bit? Really?

Really.

I wanted him happy and true to himself,

and I think he was.

I wanted him to be an actor.

You guys act like I was some sort

of bus station hooker or something.

I didn't care if he was rich or famous

because he didn't care.

It wasn't up to me anyway. I liked who he was just fine.

Yeah, well, you didn't look in his sock drawer.

Told you not to look.

I just want him back.

I would just like him to get a chance to be happy,

to find whatever it was he was looking for.

I'm still looking, Ma. They won't let me stop.

He was a wonderful actor.

Oh, it wasn't fair to go like that.

It wasn't fair.

I just wish he had a chance to do that one-man show thing.

I would have liked to see what he made with that, you know?

Two years seems like such a waste now.

I hated that man who gave the speech at the ceremony.

He hardly knew him.

He pronounced everybody's names wrong.

And he's telling us exactly what he's like.

It was ridiculous.

Help me with the boxes. Gonna be dark soon.

Your mother doesn't drive well at night anymore.

I have work in the morning.

And this doesn't get any easier if we wait.

You guys are depressing me, and it was my funeral.

I think we should say goodbye here.

Goodbye?

I mean, this is where he spent his time.

I feel like he was here.

I feel as if we can feel him.

Not in some ceremony.

Goodbye, Dad.

I'm not saying goodbye to anybody yet.

I'm still not convinced.

Well, I can understand that.

I don't know what they put in the casket,

but it must have looked like gazpacho.

I am not accepting this until I decide to.

Why should I?

I mean, it doesn't feel to me like he's gone.

To me, it feels like he's right here,

like he's right here in this room with us,

and he's arguing about all these stupid little details.

He's here. He's here!

He's here until I say he's not.

Thanks, Mom.

Goodbye to you, too.

I already bought his Hanukkah presents.

Ugh, no more drunken Hannukah caroling

yelling out car window at the Orthodox Jews

- in Williamsburg. - In April.

You guys can totally do that without me, come on.

I miss every stupid annoying thing

about his stupid annoying self.

Thanks, I guess?

He's not those boxes, and he's not in that junk.

And he wasn't in that drawer either.

It's probably some of me in that strainer

that they used to fish me out of the car with.

Just have to keep him in mind and our memory.

No, that's not good enough.

Hey, buckle up.

Bye.

Okay, think of the bright side.

What is the bright side?

I don't know.

I feel great physically.

My cholesterol is finally down to zero.

Parking is no longer a problem.

Nothing ever itches,

but I've got plenty of free time.

I can go see my friends now.

All right.

Angelo!

Angelo!

Hey, Angelo?

Angelo! You here?

Shit.

Michael!

Michael motherfucking Logan, seriously?

- Angelo? - Mikey!

Come here, bro!

- It's me, big as death. - Ah!

- You're dead! - Yeah.

You look great. This is fantastic.

I'm so glad you're dead! Never get to say that.

I've never been so happy to find

that a friend of mine died.

When the hell did you die?

Just recently.

I was trying to think of who I knew that died single like me.

Born to be a happy bachelor, and died that way too.

Not the way I thought that was gonna work out,

but hey, you live and learn. Come on in, bro!

Isn't this shit crazy, this whole crazy system?

I mean, can you believe it?

I know, it's like playing fucking musical chairs

- to the death. - Hey, you're telling me.

And bro, have you tried jerking off yet?

It's like trying to drive in neutral.

Nothing, ghost dick.

So, why'd they even let us keep our dicks?

- I know. - No pissing either.

I know, it's like they just fucking mocking us.

- With all of it. - You said it.

How much of a pisser was it and when you found out

that there's no kind of suicide either, huh?

Just got to stay and wait it out.

I mean, come on. Tell me it's not just me.

Oh, man.

You just ruined my next, like, 20 questions.

So, what you doing here?

I mean, if you don't mind my asking.

You know, I'm happy to see you. Don't get me wrong.

I just didn't know where else to go, you know?

I needed to talk to someone.

You know, a guy I could relate to.

You know I'm not gay, right?

I cannot move on with you or in with you

or in you, okay?

- No can do, bro. - Yeah, yeah, I know.

I just needed to talk to someone

who might be able to tell me what the fuck is going on.

Yeah, well, hey.

I'm being a crappy host here.

I mean, you want something, I don't know, to sit on, read?

No, no.

Want to check out my beer collection?

I have a lot.

I really have everything. You want a drink?

No, no, no, I'm fine. I had plenty.

So, how is it? You know?

The boredom... it's got to be maddening.

Oh, man, it's not so bad. I get a lot of reading done.

You ever read Vonnegut? Fucking phenomenal.

God, yeah. It's so fucking boring.

- Yeah. - You're right.

I just heard myself say that shit.

I am so fucking bored.

I woke up here and, like, right off the bat, I'm like,

"So when do I get to meet Hendrix?"

And, you know, Abe Lincoln? And, you know, Farrah?

I swear, first words once I got here.

My guide laughed his ass off.

So why aren't you out there,

you know, trying to find someone?

I mean, you know the deal, right?

It's harsh, no?

Oh, man.

First couple days, I worked it like a dog,

like a college freshman. You know?

I combed my goddamn hair, I stood up straight,

made sure I belched silently, the whole deal.

I tried, man.

But these girls, they've heard everything,

and they couldn't settle if they wanted to.

Great, that's not what I wanted to hear.

You can't move forward unless it's the real thing.

You both got to feel true love.

Got to be magic, or nothing happens, pffft!

You know, that's a high bar to jump over.

You look around, and you can just feel the universe

ignoring you. You know, whispering like,

"Nope, that ain't it, try again."

So, then you tighten up your game, you sharpen up,

and then you fail again. And it gets worse each time

because now you can't kid yourself

that you're not really trying or you don't really care.

So, we're screwed?

This ain't hell,

but it's sure doing its best impression.

So what do you do?

Me?

I watch living people when they're naked.

I watch them fuck, watch them shower, watch them jerk off.

It's hilarious, man. It's the funniest thing ever.

Yeah, funny.

Isn't that like watching the Food Channel on a liquid diet?

It's not so bad.

What, are you spending your days as a peeping Tom?

No, man. A peeping Tom's gotta hide.

I'm right there with a fucking Glenlivet in my hand.

You know, just hanging out, casual,

no worries in the world.

What else do you do? I mean,

even that's gotta get old eventually.

Not really. You'd be surprised.

Death relieves an amazing amount of guilt, too.

And no jealousy, either.

I'm very proud of myself most of the time, I've gotta say.

You must be.

Man, it's got to be crazy, right?

I mean, you can't do anything.

Well, I walk a lot.

I drink a lot. Plus I read a lot.

You sure you don't want something to read?

Nah, I don't even know where I'd start.

You got a self-help section?

Not unless smut counts.

Nah, that self-improvement crap's a dead end,

no pun intended.

It's the great authors you need,

literature like "Moby Dick," or, you know, Updike.

- Yeah, why? - Why? I don't know.

You want to spend eternity with Deepak Chopra?

Once only important stuff is important,

you really can't read joke books anymore.

All right, so...

Where do I go if I want to try my luck, you know?

Find a girl, you know?

I can't just give up without trying.

Of course, of course.

I like your motivation. You know, we're men.

We're not happy unless we try to defeat something, right?

Yeah, or at least tell ourselves that we tried.

So?

Well, there's one place, but it's not easy.

It's hell on your self-esteem and your nerves.

Think you felt out of place as the old guy in the clubs

when you were alive? This will kill you.

What's that?

Just a quarter.

Yeah, I know what it is, but where the fuck did you get it?

I don't know, I brought it with me.

From your life? That's fucking wild.

I've never been able to carry anything around with me

but booze and books.

Everything else just falls right through my hands.

Yeah, well, I died with it in my hand.

I guess I carry it around

for, like, a bad luck charm or something.

All right, so you want to go?

- Go? - Yeah.

Yeah, sure.

You're not gonna like it.

Well, I didn't eat meat...

or gluten, or sugar or yeast.

Let me see, I never wore nail polish

because it made me feel claustrophobic.

I think they love each other, but they're like, "meow."

You say you died alone?

Uh, with my cats.

But I'm not really sure what that has to do with Jesus.

I hate any movies that are, like, set in space

or foreign countries.

Well, you know, mostly I dedicated my life...

it's kind of embarrassing... to the art of ventriloquism.

But, of course, I couldn't pass over with him.

But can you kind of imagine it?

"You think this date's going bad?

Wait till I take you home."

Wouldn't be the first hand I've made love to.

I can guess anyone's sign

within the first 30 seconds of meeting them

without ever speaking to them. You want to know how I know?

No.

How about those Knicks?

I don't like animals. I prefer silence to music.

I have issues with being touched,

so sex has pretty much always been out of the question,

and no sex talk either.

- So what do you like to do? - My God, like, anything.

I'm easy, whatever.

Man, I forgot how brutal this is.

I told you.

You see that girl over there?

My God, I just want to rip my dick off

and throw it at her. You know?

Is that a rude thing to do?

I don't even remember the rules.

Why don't you go over there and talk to her?

Nah, you kidding me?

I've been shot down more times than skeet.

I just don't care anymore.

I'd rather watch you beat your head against a brick wall.

Come on, get back out there, boy.

No, no, no.

What about her over there?

Come on, get out there.

All right.

Gong. You can go.

Without even talking to me?

How did you decide that so quickly?

You want me to tell you what I don't like about you?

No, gong.

Is that supposed to be, like, "The Gong Show" or something?

I mean, that is some charming shit.

I guess you don't remember me.

We met when we were alive and you're a woman-hating douche.

Why should us both dying suddenly making you my type?

We're done here, right? I don't have time for you.

Come on, time? We got nothing but time.

Really? You didn't figure it out yet?

Think about it. If our time here was unlimited,

this place would be crawling with the unlovable losers

from all time.

You see any homely one-legged Civil War vets

wooing maidens? This place so crowded?

Time. No, my friend.

The post-biological clock is ticking.

Wake up and listen.

Wait, ticking?

Yeah.

So loud, you can hear it where your heartbeat used to be.

How much time do we have?

It's like life. Nobody knows,

and everybody gets a different amount.

What happens if we strike out?

I'll just say at least you won't know

once it's happened to you. Or care.

Hey!

Scarlett!

Let me in!

Scarlett, where are you?

I need to talk to you. You lied to me!

I know you can hear me. Where are you?

Are you listening to me?

Where are you, Scarlett?

Mommy, what's wrong with Roger?

You hear me?

Come on, bark! I can bug this dog all day!

Come out here, Scarlett! I've got to talk to you!

Aaah! Arf, arf!

It doesn't work like this, Michael.

You're not supposed to summon me.

Yeah, well, I'm not gonna wait for you to just roll up

whenever you're ready. I need to talk to you.

You have all the information you need.

Yeah, I do now, but you lied to me.

Oh, shit! That was awesome.

You must have owned a car in your life.

It was her time.

I never said you had all the time in the world.

No, a lie of omission is still a lie.

Excuse me, you didn't even

see fit to tell me that there's a deadline?

You'd have done things differently?

Uh, yeah, I would have done

just about everything differently, and you know it.

That's why I didn't tell you.

It's easier if you focus on the search and nothing more.

That's how it works.

So I suggest you get on with it as best you can.

Okay, okay, so what exactly happens

if I don't find a soul mate? What, do I burn in hell?

Don't be childish.

I'll be with you in a moment.

Then what?

Nothing, nothing at all.

Nothing? Then what's the point?

What's the point of anything?

Nothing happens. You cease to exist,

and the world goes on without you as always.

I mean, how do I know someone's my soul mate

if I've never been to Venezuela or Singapore or Queens?

Once I write the ticket, I'm not allowed to void it.

You can fight it with the info on the back.

Once I write the ticket, I'm not allowed to void it.

You can write it...

You meet a girl, fall in love.

It's that simple.

How am I supposed to meet a girl?

Life is like that, isn't it?

Full of complications, no explanations.

Death is too, only more so.

Life is easier, but you couldn't make it work,

so you have a second chance.

One last second chance,

and you're complaining about it?

Well, it's meaningless and arbitrary.

No. It makes allowances for magic.

Magic? Are you fucking shitting me?

The point is to meet someone

who sparks something within you.

Two become one.

Only paired souls progress.

Love allows you to spend forever with someone.

That is what love is.

Okay, so then what happens to the single losers?

They spend eternity not existing.

You both have to fall in love, or nothing.

It's hardly fair.

Little secret.

The universe is not fair. It's just big.

Okay, I don't get how the universe supposedly knows

and decides the difference.

The universe doesn't decide anything.

Love just is, and its existence causes a reaction.

It's like life or pregnancy. It is or it isn't.

No one decides anything.

Am I getting on your nerves?

Well, you do ask a lot of questions.

I have a lot of questions.

Who did you ask before you met me?

Is there any way he can see me for just five minutes?

It's not that simple.

Right. That's what I'm saying.

Can you hear me?

I know, but I'm telling you, I can get you any of it.

Right, right.

I'm sitting on a ton of stuff:

tapes, monologues, whatever you can sell.

Yeah, sure.

Well, this all goes cold when the body does,

so I'm looking at all offers.

'Course the one-man show is closed.

He's in the ground. It's a one-man show.

Yeah. He wrote it, he directed it.

I'm the one sitting on the pile of gold.

No, I'm not saying he was famous.

He wasn't James Dean, but neither was James Dean

until he got in the Porsche.

All right, who have you got in mind?

What would that take, between you and me?

No, no, I agree. He's a terrific actor.

He would be perfect if he's interested.

You recast my show before I'm even cold?

You're not serious.

I so wish I could piss in that right now.

Yeah, we wait two weeks just for appearances,

then we announce.

Four weeks if you feel feelings.

Yeah, get the wheels in motion, or somebody else will.

Yeah, all right. Bye.

Get me Amy on the phone, Pam.

What the hell? You've got to be kidding me!

Amy, hey.

Nice. I knew I'd find you here.

If you're waiting for me to act all embarrassed,

you might want to pull up a comfy chair.

It's gonna be a while.

My sense of shame died when I did.

So tell me about the rules.

You've got to be kidding me.

How's this for a rule?

If there really is eternal life and you can't just sit here

and enjoy your invisibility,

then you're not gonna want to be part of it anyway.

No, no, I'm talking about the rules about what we can

and cannot do and how long we have

and what we got to do to make it all work

to... you know, to go on.

Bro, are you seeing all this?

Angelo, I don't have time to...

Jesus.

He's not here right now.

Oh, yeah, Jesus.

I am not afraid of you.

Oh my God, I cannot stop staring at that ass.

It's like a magnetic force.

Black hole just sucking in all the light.

Yeah, there's a black hole all right.

I bet you can hear the ocean in that thing.

Okay, that's a little gross.

Okay, I'm starting to get a feel

of why you're still here, Angelo.

I'll tell you the only thing

I've learned here so far if you want.

All right, yeah. Yeah, I'll take that, shoot.

It's bigger than it sounds.

Yeah, that's what she said.

No, come on, shoot.

We're actors, Michael, artists.

I mean, the world may remember us or miss us

and may be glad that we were here,

but it isn't gonna ever really need us for anything.

I'm not sure I need to go to the other side.

You sure you do?

I didn't know we had to be needed

any more than a fireman or a plumber or a fish

does to be in an afterlife.

I'd like to try anyway, right?

Well, knock yourself out.

Me, I'm gonna spend my last days

watching that chick's ass clench and unclench

as she brushes her hair all day.

I win.

Yeah, I mean, I guess while I'm here,

why not just stick around for a while, right?

Seriously, man.

Where else've got to go?

Who else you got left?

That's so weird.

So all the little critters can see the dead?

I do not get the rules of this shit yet.

They said I could go anywhere in the world that I wanted.

Money's no object now, not worth a dime.

Even a dime isn't worth a dime now.

I'm a dime that's not worth ten cents anymore.

There's nothing between me

and the vastness of all eternity at this point.

Time finally feels finite for me,

but I guess it always was.

And yet, I sit, and I waste time.

So which is better?

Savoring it in the sunshine, or working my ass off

for a goal I may never reach anyway?

Is a dog smart for laying in the sun for all its days,

or does he really just lick his balls because he can?

That's the question, right?

Oh, God, I hope they can't hear my thoughts.

Okay, whoever or whatever you are,

you want to allow for magic?

Well, I'm gonna walk in a random direction

and go to the first place that I see.

I don't care if it's a freaking Taco Bell.

Heads East Side, tails West Side.

Heads.

God.

Shit, you're not dead. Great.

That's your opening line?

Excuse me?

You can hear me and see me?

What were you looking for?

Uh, I was just looking to meet a girl.

Any girl?

I guess so.

Well, they don't see you, but I can.

- Okay, you're confusing me. - I know.

You've got that faraway look in your eyes.

Like a...

Like a dog humping a leg.

So...

You know I'm dead,

but you don't seem surprised.

I mean, how can you see me?

Well...

I guess I'm very intuitive.

I've been seeing this stuff a lot lately.

Why are you here?

Well, I died alone, apparently.

Why did you die alone?

I was picky, really picky.

Yeah, I was single a lot.

Weren't you lonely?

I was. Yes, I was lonely.

And why are you still alone?

You know, I could ask you the same question.

Well, you could, but I'm not the one who's dead.

But you are alone. I mean...

Why are you alone today, for instance?

Because my friend Faith is always late.

She's probably gonna text me any second

to say she can't make it, because she always does that.

Yeah, but if she wasn't late,

I mean, you would have never met me.

True.

Wow. You can see me.

Okay, what else do you see?

I see you, and I see

shifty little flickers of people

in the corner of my eyes.

Wow. I mean, that's lucky.

You're lucky.

I mean, I didn't see any of that when I was alive.

I don't know if it's lucky.

I mean, maybe, maybe. Or maybe I'm cursed.

You know how people say you find someone

when you stop looking?

Well, that means I'm officially screwed,

because if I don't find anyone, I am gone eternally.

I mean, I can never stop looking.

Can you find a way to stop looking?

Okay, well, how do I do that?

Well, maybe think about something else?

Like what?

I don't know. Like...

Do you like baseball?

I love baseball. You?

- Of course not. - That figures.

You're good at this.

So, I guess we're not soul mates,

or else we'd be whisked away into the sky

or something like that?

Yeah, we're not soul mates. Sorry, it's not gonna work.

What, you think even the universe

thinks you're too good for me?

Well, because I'm alive and you're dead.

Yeah.

Be right back.

Ugh.

Either somebody's fucking with you,

or you really do have the worst luck.

Couldn't meet a nice dead girl like normal people.

All right.

Such a New York cliché,

spending the afterlife haunting dive bars.

Yeah, no, I'm just trying to think this all through.

- You think too much. - Really?

Yeah.

Why don't you focus on what you're here for?

I just don't get it. I mean, why can you hear me?

Why can you see me? Why do you understand this?

I don't get it either, trust me.

I've just been seeing this stuff a lot lately.

I see it fleetingly.

But, believe it or not, I've never struck up

a conversation with one of you before.

Yeah, but... I just...

You don't seem like the kind of woman

who would be alone, either.

I mean, it just doesn't make sense.

You mean, like, what's wrong with me?

Yeah, yeah. What's wrong with you?

Well, maybe I'm alone because I'm picky.

And I'm picky because I'm looking for something magical.

And I'm...

I'm kind of, sort of... being stalked.

Come again?

By who?

Who? This guy...

His name's Patrick.

And all I ever did was have dinner with him once,

and I told him I didn't want to be with him.

He said that he could wait for me,

and he sends me weird emails,

watches me from a distance, follows me everywhere I go.

He makes every guy I talk to uncomfortable.

Yeah.

I'm getting uncomfortable just hearing this.

I mean, why did you have dinner with him in the first place?

Because he was my boss at the time,

and he was nice in the beginning.

I can understand that, I guess.

Okay, so, where is he? Is he here?

No, I hope not.

I managed to lose him in the subway.

Anyway, can we talk about something else?

Sure, okay. I know guys like that.

I always try to not be one. You know?

I walk away if I buy a girl a drink, you know?

Because I don't want to be the kind of guy that thinks

that the girl necessarily wants to talk to him all night

just because he's being polite.

You know, I buy her a drink.

Doesn't mean you owe me one.

Doesn't mean I'm in.

You're such a hero.

Ah, what a time to find myself dead.

You know, I was even late for my own funeral.

My dad always says I have natural bad timing.

That's really nice, but I don't understand you.

I know.

I'm Michael. What's your name?

Honey Bee.

Okay, if you don't want to tell me,

you can just say so. I know we just met.

You don't believe me?

I don't believe you.

You want to see my birth certificate?

You know what?

Actually, I was gonna guess that name.

Oh, yeah?

Did you have a crazy nickname growing up

like "Lisa" or "Susan"?

No.

So, everybody calls you "Honey Bee"?

Honey Bee.

I mean, my mom calls me "honey" or "bee."

And my dad calls me "HB."

So your parents were WASPs?

Bad joke.

Terrible joke.

Sorry.

What do you do, Honey Bee?

Uff, I hate that question.

What? Come on, I'm dead.

What, am I gonna judge you?

What about you? What did you do?

Most of the time, I was an actor,

and I spent years developing this one-man show.

Don't laugh, okay?

It was gonna be, like, the first non-shitty one

in like forever, okay. And it was...

It was gonna open soon.

I was also a waiter.

Yeah, because that's the law for actors.

Why don't you want to talk about what you do?

Because it's...

another New York cliché.

Nah, come on. Hit me.

Well, basically, I do three things.

I work at an office.

I, uh...

No, sorry. Just kidding.

That's not nice!

It's a joke, another bad joke.

The worst joke ever. It's the worst joke ever.

Never mind, what else did you do?

I'm a dog walker. I walk dogs.

- Oh. - Okay?

I even walked David Bowie's dogs once.

- No. - Yeah, now you're interested.

- I am interested. - Yeah.

- What was his name? - His name was Mickey.

He was really ugly, ugly dog.

Wow. So, you work in an office

- and you walk dogs? - Yeah.

- What else do you do? - And I do...

That I do it on the side.

I don't really make a living right now out of it.

- Well... - I'm a photographer.

That's my passion.

Okay, so you know what?

To me, you're a photographer that walks dogs.

Yeah, exactly.

My friend just canceled on me.

I mean, she's not coming.

Do you want to...

Do you want to...

get out of here?

Yeah...

I hope you don't mean that as a euphemism,

because I will severely disappoint you.

Come on, let me show you something amazing.

Got to admit, I expected Eiffel Tower,

pyramids, Taj Mahal.

- You want to try it? - Ha, yeah.

Would if I could.

Guess that's easy to say, right?

You?

No way.

What if I fall and there's no one there to catch me?

That's what the net's for.

You never know if anyone's gonna be there to catch you.

I mean, pfft. That's life, girl.

You're a little cynical, aren't you?

Yeah, you see how optimistic you are when you're dead.

You know what? Scratch that.

That sounded way better in my head.

I'm sure.

Did you ever jump out of an airplane?

No, no.

I always figured I would, though, you know?

I've been killed by a truck.

That's got to be, like, half credit, right?

You?

Never.

Would've been nice to do it with you.

Scratch that, sounded way better in my head.

Why me?

I don't know. Why not?

You want to get out of here?

I mean, unless one of these guys falls,

I think we've seen all this has to offer.

Are you worried a new dead guy will show up

- and sweep me off my feet? - Yeah, a little.

That net looks flimsy, like it could dice someone.

Come on, take a walk?

Take a walk.

Take a walk.

Hey, look.

There goes "stressing out about her yoga relaxation seminar."

She doesn't seem really stressed out.

She seems, like, mad.

Everybody's stressed out in New York.

- Are you stressed out? - Not anymore.

I'm hungry. Are you hungry?

I think you're amazing,

but I can't take you out to dinner

or back to my place or any place.

I don't really have a place.

So where do you live?

Everywhere and nowhere.

Hey, um...

Have you ever been married?

That's a pretty straightforward question.

Well, I'm a straightforward kind of guy.

Well, I've been close enough to know I'm not really a fan.

- You? - Same, yeah.

It's really dark in here. Probably get mugged.

And I can't help you.

Sorry.

Bad joke.

- Anyways... - Horrible joke.

What kind of music do you like?

Oh, good question.

I like everything from hard rock to folk.

I like anything rich with feeling.

Genuine, true.

I like it raw. How about you?

Oh, I'm the opposite. Zero feeling whatsoever.

Oh, you're joking, okay. Ha, ha, I get it.

- "Ha, ha"! - I get it.

What kind of answer is that? Come on.

What, you want a list?

Yeah, of course I want a list.

Okay, okay. I like Beatles, Stones, Dylan.

- I love Dylan. - Ramones, Marilyn Manson.

- Marilyn Manson? - Yeah, Joni, Johnny Cash.

How about you?

The Beatles.

- Is that it? - Yep.

To me, everything comes back to the Beatles.

All right. Guess that's all you need.

Hey, look.

Dakota Building.

Yes, indeed.

Can you believe Yoko still lives there?

Like so many years later,

she has to walk past that tragedy every day.

- It's crazy. - Yeah, it is crazy.

I never really thought about it.

Be like if Jackie O had

an apartment at the Book Depository.

Do you think Yoko's still the same person she was?

You know, after 30 years,

after losing the great love of her life?

Of course she is. Yoko will always be Yoko.

What do you think she's doing?

What do you mean? Right now?

Yeah.

I don't know.

Pretty sure she's doing something amazing.

How does it feel like?

- What, being dead? - Yeah.

Do you feel like cold, weightless?

No, no, I don't feel anything at all.

That's the weird part. I don't feel anything.

I don't feel hot or cold, tired, horny.

- Really? - Yeah.

You know what it's like?

It's like being outside a giant restaurant window

and watching everybody else eat.

It's like fucking the world

through three really thick condoms.

- That's a good image. - Yeah.

I used to feel so much when I was alive, you know.

Sometimes life was too much.

It could be love, it could be happiness, nostalgia.

Feeling someone else's pain, someone else's sadness.

I could look at a dog not understand

why it was being spanked,

and that feeling would overwhelm me, you know?

A D-minor chord could just make me break down and cry.

You're such a pussy.

And what about now? Like, you don't feel anything?

Well, right now...

The only thing I can feel is drunk and way drunker.

And...

I feel something for you.

From you.

What do you feel from me?

Not quite sure.

Trying to put my finger on it.

What would you like to feel most

if you could choose to feel anything?

Don't say me.

Okay, don't laugh.

That tingling feeling you get when someone you love

is thinking about you from far away.

You know, that connection when a girl is missing you.

Any girl?

Hey, watch it.

Sorry I made you cross between those two cars.

Huh? What'd you say?

Where do you live, here?

- Yeah, right here. Fuck. - What's the matter?

It's him.

Hey, Honey Bee. I just want to talk.

Patrick, I asked you not to come here.

It makes me really uncomfortable.

As you can see, I'm with someone right now.

Uhh?

I mean, I'm meeting someone, okay?

- Can I... - Well, that's totally okay.

I just wanted to talk.

If...

I'm not trying to bother you. If you just give me a moment.

No, I said no.

Now I'm gonna go inside,

and I'm gonna ask you to nicely leave me.

You're gonna make me be mean, and I don't wanna be mean.

There's no need for you not to be nice.

I was just trying to see if there might be some way to...

Who is this guy? Is this the guy?

- I told you about him. - So who's the guy?

- Is he bothering you? - Is he bothering you?

Listen, I tried calling.

I just want to have one conversation, okay?

Yeah, okay, we just did, so now I'm gonna...

If today isn't good because I just showed up

then maybe we can talk tomorrow?

I really think you misunderstood me,

and I just want a chance to explain myself.

Patrick, if you show up at my house again,

you're gonna have a problem. Just... can I get in?

Can you try seeing it from where I'm coming from?

I don't care where you're coming from!

You're gonna make me not nice, and I don't like that.

- So be nice. - Don't touch me!

I really want to clock this guy!

I've never wanted to fist a face so bad in my life.

Ah, that sounded way better in my head.

Can you please stop doing this?

Honestly, like, you're a nice guy...

I can't. I told you, I can't give up.

- I understand, I understand. - Yes, you can! Just walk away!

You affected me. Okay, I was alone.

I was waiting for years to feel something for someone

and I felt it for you. I don't know.

- And I understand. - And I can't give up on that.

I understand, but I don't have feelings for you.

So, what do we do now? I try to be friends with you,

but you don't seem to understand it.

This started as a friendship, but it became more.

Well, maybe for you,

but not for me, and don't touch me, please.

Listen, Honey Bee, you're being way too nice, all right?

You've got to drop the hammer on this guy.

Maybe even a table saw, come on.

- Really? - Tell him to leave you alone.

- Yell at him, go! - Really?

Come on, yeah! Come on.

- Yell? - Yeah.

Okay.

Patrick, leave me alone.

Could have been a little harder.

Leave me alone! Okay?

- There you go. - Okay, okay, okay, okay.

- I hear you. - No, you don't hear me,

because you're still here, so get out of here!

But I think I can show you that you're wrong.

I think we are in love. I know that we are in love.

We're not in love, I'm not in love with you.

- We're not... - If it's this other guy?

Then I can tell you he is gonna fail you.

No one is gonna love you like I'm gonna love you.

And if there's something about me that doesn't measure up

that you don't like, then I can make it better.

I am incredibly capable of change.

- I can be better! - You don't need to change!

Honey Bee, drop a ton of bricks on this guy, all right?

Tell him to leave you alone.

I don't want to give you a chance.

Leave me alone.

- Just leave her alone, man. - Yeah, leave me alone.

We're gonna see each other again.

Oh, my God.

I know you know it. I know you feel it.

I see it in your eyes.

There's nothing for you in my eyes, okay?

Yeah, yeah.

You were my boss, okay? And I had to fucking leave

my job because of you, and that's not nice.

I loved my job.

Oh, I hate guys like this!

I want to punch you in the fucking dick!

- We were working together. - I'm not nice?

- No, you're not nice. - You're not nice!

You blew it right here, right now.

You think you're so special?

I would have done anything for you,

and you're gonna blow it for some fucking asshole?

He's gonna leave you,

and then you're gonna come looking for me.

Okay, Michael, come.

- He's gonna leave you! - Michael!

And then you're gonna come looking for me!

Jesus.

You know, you don't have to live with that dickhead

just showing up at your apartment

whenever he feels like it, right?

Easy to say. What's your solution?

Ah, I don't know.

Maybe those people they call cops?

Oh, yeah? And what do I say?

He hasn't hurt me or threatened me, really.

You know?

How about you have a friend talk to him?

You guys have any mutual friends?

Well, does he seem like he has friends to you?

Okay, well.

I can put a scare into him.

Oh, yeah? And what are you gonna do?

Like, whisper spooky things in his ear?

Okay, you know. It's worth a try.

You know, it worked on you.

Come on, we've got to do something.

Trust me, I've been pretty blunt.

I know you think you're being blunt,

but guys like that...

they need a freight train right between the eyes.

I mean, guys like that are thick as bricks.

Wait, are...

Do you really want him to leave you alone?

What?

Some people like that unhealthy attention.

You know? Maybe you're preserving

some illusion for him.

What are you trying to say?

Are you trying to say that I actually like him...

No, I don't want to assume anything.

Maybe you have feelings for him.

Maybe you don't want to hurt my feelings.

Because I feel something for him?

It could happen.

Yeah.

Are you jealous?

I think you're jealous. You're jealous.

I'm sorry.

Yeah.

That just sounded way better in my head.

Apologize again.

Say sorry again.

Sorry.

Sorry.

I'm sorry.

Want to see my room?

Sure.

I would love to make you dinner.

I'd love to eat it if I could.

You know, you can eat in front of me.

I don't mind.

It's okay.

You must be hungry.

I'm fine.

They say the universe shrinks down to the size of two people

when they make love for the first time.

Where'd you hear that? Who says that?

Well, the entire universe says it.

It holds its breath to see what happens.

- What happens? - New life or tragedy.

I don't think the universe knows what tragedy is.

I mean, it laughs and stares blankly

as a million tragedies happen every second.

Galaxies collide without anyone ever blinking, sorry.

I think you're wrong. You can feel it when happens.

It holds its breath while fate decides what happens next.

I think that's what an orgasm is.

You must have weird orgasms.

Well at least I have orgasms.

Good point.

I'm sorry we can't even touch.

Well, maybe yearning is way hotter than having it

whenever you want it.

Okay, now who told you that? Because that is so not true.

Well, maybe it's true to me.

And you don't want to be with someone

who you can make love with someday?

I'm happy with you.

What we're doing is crazy.

I'm about the most fucked-up guy you could bet on,

and life with me just doesn't make any sense.

I know.

You're a ghost, you're an alcoholic,

and you've got bad jokes.

And yet here I am.

Here you are.

I just saw my parents.

They were taking my clothes out of my apartment here.

It was like watching a movie.

I wasn't there, and they were talking about me.

But I could feel everything that they felt.

But it just goes on.

I died, and everything just goes on.

New York doesn't stop.

How about your parents? Close?

I'm very close to my mom.

How is it you're dead and you still have this apartment?

My family owns the building

and they're not too aggressive about renting it just yet.

But also, fifth floor walk-up is not the most popular item

and probably what killed my out-of-shape ass,

come to think.

Where would you take a girl on a date

if it was the last night of your life?

For a long ride on my face.

No, no, I need you to be serious for a minute.

I'm dead serious. My face.

Or maybe Nobu.

Either one gets me laid.

All right. You're not helping, okay?

I met this girl.

Yeah, and I really feel like she's the one.

You know? She's everything.

She's this beautiful, amazing, rare creature, and...

I don't even know why we haven't been whisked up

into the sky, or whatever happens.

I mean, I think she feels it for me too.

Well, it means it's not true love,

at least for one of you. One of you is not feeling love.

If you really were a match made in...

you know what I mean,

then you'd both be gone. Whoosh.

For some reason, you don't match the criteria.

I mean, whatever that is.

No, no, no.

If we both feel it... I mean, alive or not,

isn't that it? I mean, who's to say?

Not me or you. That much we know.

Now, I've made an entire lifetime

full of mistakes,

and this does not feel like one of them, all right?

What about you, huh?

Don't you care about your future?

I mean, you literally have nothing to lose by trying.

You're just gonna give up by accepting fate?

Bro, you're asking me about the mysteries of life

and I got a GED.

I'm just looking to wait it all out

here in the comfort of my own room

with my two best pals, Bud and Jack.

I mean, what's the point?

I'm sick of playing the musical chairs game

that never gives me a chair. Why should I play?

I've been alone till now, so what's the difference?

Well, now you'll cease to exist

if you don't meet someone.

Well, that was always true, if you think about it.

How's this different?

I mean, now it's for sure. Before, we all just assumed it.

Well, now you just have so much more to gain.

Like what?

Like the rest of your existence.

Eternity. Whatever that may be.

What, I'm suddenly going to do better?

I don't get women,

in every sense of the word "get."

I never have.

What do you mean? Since when?

- You had plenty of girls. - Since ever.

What, are you kidding?

Those were whores,

neighborhood chicks who would suck your balls dry

for a meal anywhere with real cloth napkins.

No, I fucked chicks. Don't get me wrong.

I'm not a virgin.

I've just stayed out of entanglements all along.

And now I'm not getting any younger or older either.

And I'm gonna cease to exist any fucking minute.

I mean, you know, what girl wants to deal with that?

Nothing like the smell of desperation

to dry up the old banana hole. You know what I mean?

You're a poet.

I mean, I'm in no hurry,

but I'm not gonna hold on with both hands

when that cold hand grips me.

Nope, can't scare me much if you already killed me once.

No, she seems to love me.

I'm crazy about her.

And if that's not enough, I'm gonna make it enough.

All right? Fuck them. Who are they to say?

You tell them, chief. Go get 'em.

And do... I don't know. Whatever you kids do.

I'm just hoping on my next go-around,

I come back as a huge handsome dildo.

I know you will, my friend.

Just be aware that she might be sending you mixed signals.

I mean, for whatever reason, universe isn't buying it yet.

Well, how am I supposed to win?

Oh, bro.

Are you still trying to win?

Don't you know that women are the Kobayashi Maru test?

Pardon me?

Didn't you see "Star Trek II"?

Yeah, but I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

You remember the beginning?

It's not meant to be something you can win.

It's a test of character.

What?

Relationships are the "Kobayashi Maru" test

in life.

You can't win.

You can't keep from losing. Nobody expects you to.

It's just a measure of your character.

Meet this guy.

So, Michael, this is my friend Faith.

and Faith, this is my newly deceased friend Michael.

Wait... Come again?

Honey Bee, you know she can't see me.

So what?

I just wanted you to meet my friend.

I am missing Pilates for this?

She's just gonna think you're losing it.

I'm not losing it.

I am pretty sure that you are, in fact, losing it, Bee.

See?

I mean, how is she gonna believe that I'm really here?

Just do something.

- Do something? - Yeah, come on.

Do something, show her that I'm not batshit crazy.

Oh, okay.

- Okay, so... - Margaritas?

Oh, thank God.

I ordered margaritas. I think you should have one.

Thank you.

See?

I can't believe I just did that.

So, huh?

- I need a cigarette. - Now you believe me.

Mm.

What are you doing? You can't smoke here.

Don't worry, it's fine.

Cheers.

Yeah, I know.

Don't worry about it.

And I know the guy who owns this place, so...

Did you just drink my margarita?

He did.

- Okay. - Yeah?

- What the fuck? - Now you believe me.

That is a good trick,

but this means now I have to order another one

and drink yours. Two more margs, please.

- Oh, that sounds good. - So, am I crazy?

Yes, sure, fine. I believe you.

- But can you please tell... - Thank you.

That guy to stay away from my alcohol?

Please stay away from her drinks.

Okay, fine. Okay.

So, tell me about yourself, Faith.

He wants to know about yourself.

What does he look like?

- Oh, he has blue eyes. - Green.

Green. He has brown hair.

And he's around... how old are you?

- 40s, but I play 30s. - He looks, yeah.

- Okay? - Really, you play 30?

- Sometimes. - Calm down.

Okay, so...

what does he do? What...

What did he do, because he's dead.

Dead, he is deceased. That's right.

Oh, I totally forgot about that.

- Yeah, I'm dead. - He doesn't have a job.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, what do I do? not a whole lot.

I'm fucking dead, so I'm an extremely out-of-work actor.

- He's an actor. - Have I seen him in anything?

- Actors hate that question. - Where can we see you?

I was a promising older, younger actor.

I did a lot of small roles.

I did a pilot that never went anywhere.

I did a lot of theater...

So, he's still talking right now?

And I had a really well-reviewed

one-man show that was in previews.

No.

No?

So, dead, out-of-work actor who hasn't been in anything.

Promising, out-of-work, dead actor.

Does he have any single dead brothers that I can date?

Do you have any single dead brothers?

She's funny. I like her.

Thank you very much.

Oh, God.

Wait a minute.

Well, you are a special actor.

Honey Bee.

I've got to go.

So, he's nice, right?

I'm worried about you.

The whole thing just makes me a little uncomfortable.

We're not ripping him off, Craig.

It's honoring his memory.

It won't be his show,

it'll be your show, presented by me in his memory.

This fucking guy, Jay?

You gave my show to this fucking guy?

- It's like we're honoring him. - Howdy fucking Doody?

- It needs work. - God dammit!

I thought we were friends!

I want to change some lines, of course.

I gonna make some changes to your fucking head, you fuck.

I think I could fix it up a little bit, though.

I want to skull fuck your fucking ear, you dick.

I know you can.

Get out!

Maybe the ending too.

Shit, okay. You fucking heard me.

Get the fuck out!

- Out! - You know what?

Give me a second here if you can.

I'm just...

Ha, ha, ha!

Ha!

Fuck you, Jay!

Cheers, motherfuckers.

Where'd she go?

You scared her.

I have that effect.

Well, that went well.

Yeah, I thought so.

She's great.

She is.

A pain in the ass.

Why are you looking at me like that?

You okay? What's wrong?

I've got to go.

Scarlett? Jah!

You look like you've seen a ghost.

All right. What does it mean

if someone alive fades in and out?

What do you mean?

Well, I found a girl. All right?

And I've got to tell you, I really feel it,

but there's no "whoosh." There's no big... thing.

But she can see me, and she can hear me.

But she fades in and out every now and again.

She's alive, but she shimmers like a dead person.

I mean, what does that mean?

It means she's going to die soon,

very soon.

Normally, it's not possible to bond with someone

who's on the other side of the line, but she's close,

very close.

What? How's that supposed to be?

Might be good news for you.

That she's gonna die? No, I can't let her die.

But death isn't the end. You know that.

It's how you met her in the first place.

She's close to the edge, so she can glimpse over.

So I have to let something terrible happen

to a healthy young woman

so I can hope that it means we work out for each other?

I mean, she's young. She still has her whole life.

But maybe she's supposed to follow you to the other side.

Or maybe not. It's really not up to us, so...

So, I have to find a soul mate,

and you're telling me it's all fate and destiny

and free will and magic and all that bullshit,

but you're saying we can't do anything about this?

That's a stupid answer.

Well, it is the answer.

Is there anyone in the afterlife

who's good at their job?

There you are.

Pick up.

Hi, you've reached Honey Bee.

- I can't come to the phone. - Ugh! Pick up.

Leave a message, bye.

Oh, hi, Honey Bee.

I was trying to reach you, been trying all day.

I know you asked me not to call.

So I thought I'd just call?

So maybe you could call me back, you know?

I mean, if you don't mind.

I know you know my number.

Au revoir.

God, you are such a douchebag!

Where are you going now, you fucking dipshit?

I wish I could fart right now.

Fuck.

Hello.

Patrick? Dammit, I told you that...

Oh, my God.

What the fuck!

Why the fuck did you do that?

Who the hell was that?

Is anybody here?

Help!

No. No.

Bro! I got the most amazing news.

What?

I met someone. I wasn't even looking.

I was actively not looking. I was avoiding, in fact.

I'm hanging out in the bathroom, watching ladies pee.

Next thing I know, I meet the most amazing dead girl.

Nice.

But she wasn't peeing. She was just hanging out.

And I know what you thinking,

and but she's not a dyke or anything, you know.

She was just catching a moment alone,

and there I was.

That's great, Angelo! I've got to go.

Wait, wait, wait. Don't you get it, man?

It's real. It's possible.

I mean, the joke's not on us after all.

I thought I had no hope. I thought there was no hope.

And then I turn around, and there she is.

Hey, Angelo, I'm proud of you, all right?

But I got something really important I got to go do.

Yeah, yeah, listen. Me too, man.

This means I get to go.

Look, I mean, nothing's happened yet, but I think soon.

I got to meet her in a few hours back at the can,

but I think something good's gonna...

Oh, no, man.

- Angelo? - Now?

- Oh, man. - What is it?

No.

No, man. No.

Angelo?

Oh, no.

Oh, God.

How do I know what to do?

Oh.

No. No, not yet.

Hi.

Please, don't ever do that to me again, okay?

Oh, God.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's just me, okay?

I just need to talk to you.

I tried knocking, but...

It's okay. Tell me.

I need you to go.

Yeah, I need you to get out of town.

Something bad is gonna happen,

and I just need you to not be here.

What are you talking about?

Well, your life is in danger.

Just... Can you just trust me?

I trust you, but if you don't tell me what's going on,

how am I supposed to...

I need you to leave. You can go.

I mean, this is all...

There's nothing here that you need to hold on to.

I can't just pack up and leave, I don't...

Yes, you can!

People always think that they can't leave, but they can.

Okay? Yeah.

All of this is just stuff.

Your job is just work.

Okay? I'm talking about your life.

- None of this is important! - That's insulting.

I don't understand what you're saying, I mean...

We just act like there's a tornado,

and you don't want to be that old lady

going back to her trailer for a scrapbook and a parakeet.

Huh? Come on, let's pack up and go.

Could you please tell me

- what's going on? - Do you have a suitcase?

What could be so fucking important?

Huh?

What is it? Please leave.

No, I'm not leaving.

If you don't tell me what's going on, I'm not leaving.

Agh! Okay, how about this?

Let's flip a coin.

Heads, you do what I say.

Tails, you can stay here as long as you want.

Okay? That's fair, right?

Just go away.

Just go far away and don't tell another soul,

for lack of a better word, where you're going, okay?

Just go nowhere. Any nowhere but here.

I'll take care of everything.

What are you gonna do?

You can barely move a Dixie cup.

Just keep packing.

Don't worry, I'll find you.

I'll let you know when it's safe to come back, okay?

I just need to keep going and stay off your phone.

- Where are you gonna go? - I don't know,

but I just got to do something, okay?

Your life is more important than you understand.

You can't understand it.

You're still alive.

What makes you so sure you know more about life now?

Because... because it's different now, okay?

I need to protect you.

I meet a girl, and I can't just let her go.

Any girl?

I've got to go.

You've got to go. Okay?

I'll fix everything!

Where am I going?

Just go! Anywhere!

I have always loved you.

I will never love anyone like I love you.

And no one will ever love you like I love you now.

Now the end has finally come.

And now we ride off into the sun.

Hi, you've reached Honey Bee.

I can't talk on the phone right now.

Taxi!

Hi, you've reached...

Listen, Michael said I had to leave town.

- I'm not gonna be... - No, are you crazy?

You can't leave town right now.

What, for someone you barely can even see?

- I don't know. - What is your imaginary pal

gonna tell you to do next?

You're usually a very rational person.

Well, have you ever known me to be irrational?

Most of the time, yes, you are, but...

Well, doesn't that tell you that I've seen some shit?

Or you think that you've seen some shit.

Okay, I'll call you back. Bye.

Scarlett. Scarlett!

You can't do this, Michael.

This isn't gonna work out for you the way you want it to.

If you're not gonna help me,

then at least just stay out of my way, okay?

You can't change destiny.

Frankly, Scarlett, I don't give a fuck.

We need to talk, Michael.

No, you need to talk. I need to run.

Honey Bee! Honey Bee!

Wait, wait!

What are you doing here?

I need you to come with me, okay?

Please, just don't be here, okay?

- Is this even real? - You know I'm real, okay?

And I just need you to not leave right now.

I know I told you to run away, but I...

I need to talk to you one more time.

Talk to me about what? I don't understand.

I need to tell you something. I need to...

I wanted to say...

Please.

I wanted to say goodbye.

No, no. Not goodbye.

No, just come with me, please. Just...

I need you to not be here if this is where it happens.

Just do not be where you're expected.

Please, I don't have any time!

I don't understand.

I don't have any time to explain!

Explain what?

I love you.

Yeah, you.

I know it.

I know it because I love you

without any of the stuff that I thought mattered.

I think you love me too.

And I don't want to leave here unless I hear it.

Something bad is gonna happen.

And I need to stop it.

I'm sure as fuck gonna try,

because I don't want to live without you.

The only thing I have to lose is you.

If saving you here means I lose you forever, I don't care!

Because you need to live,

even if I don't get to share it with you.

You have the entire world,

and I only have you.

But I love you.

I do.

I love you.

I love you.

Michael, it's time. Let her go.

You have to come with me.

No.

No, that's not right.

Honey Bee, look at me.

You need to run! Leave now!

I want to stay with you.

I...

Let her go.

Trust me, go!

No!

This is what I was warning you about.

So she comes here, what happens?

Where do I find her?

She died alone, too, right?

If it was going to happen,

it would have happened right then.

If both of you had felt complete love,

we wouldn't be sitting here right now.

It's time.

I'm sorry. I don't make the rules.

Well, the rules are obviously wrong.

We loved each other.

You were there. You heard her.

Okay, she was gonna say it.

That means we move on together.

I need to talk to whoever makes the rules, okay?

Assemble the fucking committee. Who do I got to talk to?

- Michael. - She was willing to die

even if it meant giving up her life to be with me.

Isn't that enough?

Isn't that enough for you fuckers?

No.

It's not.

You keep thinking that it's a vote or a decision,

but it's not. It's...

It's like a chemical reaction.

Water either becomes steam, or it doesn't.

We don't vote it into being steam.

Enough with the fucking metaphors!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Look...

Can I just see her one more time?

Is that too much to ask?

Just one more moment with her, please?

Just one more fucking moment.

- It doesn't work like that. - Then change how it works!

They're not gonna fire you for helping out one person.

Okay? Just please, I'm begging you.

Just...

What are they gonna do, demote you?

- Please come with me. - Here.

- Michael. - Here, here.

No, here.

If it's tails, I'll drop it. I'll leave you alone about it.

Would you please come with me?

You're telling me it's all a coin flip anyway.

That fate's random.

You turn left, you meet the person

you're supposed to spend eternity with.

You turn right, I've got to follow you to some office

or wherever you're taking me.

Just let me flip it again.

I'm just asking for one minute.

One 60-second moment of eternity,

and you can't spare that?

Okay, I never believed in a goddamn thing my whole life,

and now, of all things, I find out that love is real

and you're telling me it doesn't...

because I can't prove it to your satisfaction?

- What is that? - Michael.

Wait, wait. Please.

Whatever you're gonna say, just stop, okay.

Before you were this person, before you had this job,

when you were a real fucking human being...

Michael, we don't have time for this.

Can't you just...

Can't the universe spare just one last goodbye?

Just please come with me.

I love you too.

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull