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1
00:00:18,967 --> 00:00:20,467
- Y'ALL LIKE CHINESE FOOD?
2
00:00:20,467 --> 00:00:21,697
SEE, THEY GOT THE LITTLE
CHINESE RESTAURANTS
3
00:00:21,700 --> 00:00:22,870
IN THE BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD.
4
00:00:22,867 --> 00:00:23,967
YOU KNOW CHINESE
CAN COME TO OUR HOOD
5
00:00:23,967 --> 00:00:25,427
AND MAKE SOME MONEY, BOY.
6
00:00:25,433 --> 00:00:26,503
THAT'S HOW YOU KNOW WHEN
YOU'RE IN A BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD
7
00:00:26,500 --> 00:00:27,570
ANYWHERE IN THE COUNTRY.
8
00:00:27,567 --> 00:00:28,567
YOU JUST RIDE DOWN THE STREET.
9
00:00:28,567 --> 00:00:30,767
BE A CHURCH, LIQUOR STORE,
CHINESE PLACE.
10
00:00:30,767 --> 00:00:32,797
CHURCH, LIQUOR STORE,
CHINESE PLACE.
11
00:00:32,800 --> 00:00:37,200
CHURCH, LIQUOR STORE,
CHECK CASHING PLACE.
12
00:00:37,200 --> 00:00:39,670
CHINESE PLACE BE RIGHT THERE.
13
00:00:39,667 --> 00:00:41,827
YOU EVER TRIP WHILE ORDERING
CHINESE FOOD HOW LONG IT TAKE
14
00:00:41,834 --> 00:00:44,474
THEM TO SAY IN CHINESE THE
SAME THING YOU JUST SAID?
15
00:00:44,467 --> 00:00:46,327
YOU LIKE, "YEAH, DAWG.
LET ME GET A SMALL ORDER OF
16
00:00:46,333 --> 00:00:48,133
SHRIMP FRIED RICE. THAT'S IT."
17
00:00:48,133 --> 00:00:50,033
"SMALL ORDER SHRIMP FRIED?"
18
00:00:50,033 --> 00:00:52,033
"YEAH, DAWG. THAT'S IT."
19
00:00:52,033 --> 00:00:53,673
"ME HOLLER FOR YOU."
20
00:00:53,667 --> 00:00:55,697
[SPEAKING MOCK CHINESE]
21
00:01:11,367 --> 00:01:14,267
"YOU WANT EGG ROLL?"
22
00:01:14,266 --> 00:01:15,766
"NO, PARTNER. I
AIN'T GOT THE TIME.
23
00:01:15,767 --> 00:01:17,627
I'M GONNA HAVE TO"...
24
00:01:17,633 --> 00:01:18,873
I'M CEDRIC THE ENTERTAINER.
25
00:01:21,000 --> 00:01:25,570
- IT'S THE "RUSSELL SIMMONS'
DEF COMEDY JAM" WITH YOUR HOST
26
00:01:25,567 --> 00:01:28,767
D.L. HUGHLEY!
27
00:01:28,767 --> 00:01:30,167
TONIGHT'S GUESTS...
28
00:01:30,166 --> 00:01:32,326
ROY WOOD JR...
29
00:01:32,333 --> 00:01:34,533
KYLE GROOMS...
30
00:01:34,533 --> 00:01:37,203
AND RUSSELL PETERS!
31
00:01:37,200 --> 00:01:41,770
I AM YOUR MAN, THE WORLD'S
GREATEST D.J., THE KID CAPRI!
32
00:01:41,767 --> 00:01:43,997
AND THIS IS
COMEDY AT ITS BEST!
33
00:01:44,000 --> 00:01:48,670
LET'S GET IT ON WITH
YOUR HOST D.L. HUGHLEY!
34
00:01:48,667 --> 00:01:51,667
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
HOME BOX OFFICE, INC.
35
00:01:53,367 --> 00:01:57,397
- HEY, NO. HOW Y'ALL
DOING, L.A.?
36
00:01:57,400 --> 00:01:58,570
HA HA HA!
37
00:02:00,066 --> 00:02:03,826
ALL RIGHT. ONE MORE TIME
FOR MY MAN KID CAPRI.
38
00:02:03,834 --> 00:02:06,274
ALL RIGHT.
39
00:02:06,266 --> 00:02:08,996
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE
THE FUCK YOU AT, HUH?
40
00:02:09,000 --> 00:02:14,030
THOUGHT THEY WAS GIVING
AWAY FREE FOOD OR SOME SHIT.
41
00:02:14,033 --> 00:02:15,533
I'M SURPRISED SO
MANY PEOPLE HERE.
42
00:02:15,533 --> 00:02:17,773
GAS COST MORE THAN
COCAINE, DON'T IT?
43
00:02:17,767 --> 00:02:18,867
I'M NOT SAYING I KNOW.
44
00:02:18,867 --> 00:02:21,327
I'M JUST SAYING IT'S HIGH.
45
00:02:21,333 --> 00:02:22,873
GAS SO HIGH, I SAW
TWO BROTHERS STANDING
46
00:02:22,867 --> 00:02:23,967
IN THE DRIVE-THRU.
47
00:02:23,967 --> 00:02:25,127
"FUCK YOU. SHIT. I"...
48
00:02:27,467 --> 00:02:31,167
SO Y'ALL MARRIED OR
JUST FUCKING AROUND?
49
00:02:31,166 --> 00:02:32,226
MOTHERFUCKER, ARE
YOU ALL RIGHT?
50
00:02:32,233 --> 00:02:33,603
YOU ON MEDICATION,
MOTHERFUCKER?
51
00:02:33,600 --> 00:02:36,500
WHAT IS IT?
52
00:02:36,500 --> 00:02:40,700
"I DON'T EVEN KNOW HER."
53
00:02:40,700 --> 00:02:41,970
HOW YOU DOING, BABY?
54
00:02:41,967 --> 00:02:43,567
LOOKING ENOUGH TO
SEASONS GREENS WITH.
55
00:02:43,567 --> 00:02:45,727
LOOK AT YOU.
56
00:02:45,734 --> 00:02:48,004
I LIKE--SEE, I DON'T LIKE
A PRETTY GIRL LIKE YOU.
57
00:02:48,000 --> 00:02:49,330
GOT TOO MUCH FUCKING
SELF- ESTEEM
58
00:02:49,333 --> 00:02:51,433
AND DREAMS AND SHIT.
FUCK THAT.
59
00:02:51,433 --> 00:02:54,703
I LIKE A WOMAN BEEN
SCUFFED UP BY LIFE.
60
00:02:54,700 --> 00:02:56,100
NOW SHE MORE REALISTIC.
61
00:02:56,100 --> 00:02:57,770
SHE USED TO WANT A
KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR.
62
00:02:57,767 --> 00:02:59,397
NOW SHE'LL SETTLE OR A
MOTHERFUCKER ON A MOPED,
63
00:02:59,400 --> 00:03:00,770
JUST SOMEBODY, JUST...
64
00:03:03,900 --> 00:03:05,070
HOW YOU DOING, MAN?
65
00:03:05,066 --> 00:03:08,766
HOW LONG YOU BEEN OUT?
66
00:03:08,767 --> 00:03:09,797
THIS MOTHERFUCKER...
67
00:03:12,300 --> 00:03:13,470
YOU ALL TOGETHER?
68
00:03:13,467 --> 00:03:14,767
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS,
A FIELD TRIP?
69
00:03:14,767 --> 00:03:17,397
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?
70
00:03:17,400 --> 00:03:18,570
HOW YOU DOING, MAN?
71
00:03:18,567 --> 00:03:20,897
GOT THAT JEHOVAH
WITNESS SHIRT ON, HUH?
72
00:03:20,900 --> 00:03:22,630
GONNA KEEP YOUR ASS
HERE GOOD AND LATE.
73
00:03:22,633 --> 00:03:24,503
THAT WAY WE CAN GET
SOME FUCKING SLEEP.
74
00:03:24,500 --> 00:03:25,600
THAT MOTHERFUCKER WILL BE
OVER AT YOUR HOUSE EARLY
75
00:03:25,600 --> 00:03:26,670
IN THE MORNING.
"YOU KNOW GOD?"
76
00:03:26,667 --> 00:03:28,497
"I KNOW GOD IS
ASLEEP RIGHT NOW.
77
00:03:28,500 --> 00:03:32,430
WHERE THE FUCK HE IS."
78
00:03:32,433 --> 00:03:33,603
HOW YOU DOING, BIG MAN?
79
00:03:33,600 --> 00:03:36,500
EVERYTHING TIGHT ON
THIS FUCKER, TIGHT!
80
00:03:36,500 --> 00:03:38,100
EVERYTHING A
TURTLENECK WITH THIS--
81
00:03:38,100 --> 00:03:39,170
[GAGS]
82
00:03:43,066 --> 00:03:44,226
"SHIT. I'M HOT."
83
00:03:44,233 --> 00:03:46,373
[WHEEZES]
84
00:03:46,367 --> 00:03:47,597
DON'T ACT LIKE YOU
GONNA CHASE ME.
85
00:03:47,600 --> 00:03:49,830
I'LL RUN AND DROP
FRENCH FRIES BEHIND MY ASS.
86
00:03:49,834 --> 00:03:50,974
YOU GOT TO MAKE A CHOICE.
87
00:03:50,967 --> 00:03:52,127
"OH, OH."
88
00:03:53,633 --> 00:03:56,103
WHAT DO YOU DO, BIG MAN?
89
00:03:56,100 --> 00:03:57,300
- I WORK FOR THE COUNTY.
- YOU WORK FOR THE COUNTY?
90
00:03:57,300 --> 00:03:59,970
OH, SHIT!
91
00:03:59,967 --> 00:04:02,227
YOU AIN'T A SHERIFF
OR NOTHING, ARE YOU?
92
00:04:02,233 --> 00:04:04,333
WHAT DO YOU DO FOR THE COUNTY?
93
00:04:04,333 --> 00:04:06,433
- HANDLE THEIR BENEFITS.
- YOU HANDLE THEIR BENEFITS?
94
00:04:06,433 --> 00:04:08,503
MOTHERFUCKER, ARE YOU SURE YOU
DON'T RUN THE REHAB PROGRAM?
95
00:04:08,500 --> 00:04:11,130
THIS MOTHERFUCKER--
96
00:04:11,133 --> 00:04:12,733
"I WORK FOR THE COUNTY."
97
00:04:17,800 --> 00:04:18,900
WHAT DO YOU DO?
98
00:04:18,900 --> 00:04:27,070
"TEST THEIR MEDICATION.
MM, MM."
99
00:04:27,066 --> 00:04:28,296
HE DON'T EVEN KNOW
HE SUPPOSED TO LAUGH.
100
00:04:32,333 --> 00:04:34,103
Y'ALL READY TO KEEP
THIS THING GOING?
101
00:04:37,500 --> 00:04:40,230
ALL RIGHT. HE HAILS FROM
BIRMINGHAM, ALABAMA.
102
00:04:40,233 --> 00:04:43,003
GIVE IT UP TO ROY WOOD JR.!
103
00:04:43,000 --> 00:04:44,930
[HIP-HOP PLAYING]
104
00:04:50,633 --> 00:04:54,703
- QUIT CLAPPING. I'M SMILING
TO HIDE THE PAIN, MAN.
105
00:04:54,700 --> 00:04:56,870
GOING THROUGH SOME DATING
DRAMA RIGHT NOW, MAN.
106
00:04:56,867 --> 00:05:00,467
I CAN'T DATE--YOU EVER BEEN
ON A DATE SO BAD THE GIRL MAKE
107
00:05:00,467 --> 00:05:02,297
YOU DROP HER OFF AT
ANOTHER DUDE HOUSE?
108
00:05:02,300 --> 00:05:06,070
YOU EVER BEEN THROUGH THAT?
109
00:05:06,066 --> 00:05:08,496
OK. I'M THE ONLY ONE
GONNA OPEN UP TONIGHT?
110
00:05:11,533 --> 00:05:13,603
I'M SPENDING MORE TIME
IN L.A. NOW, MAN.
111
00:05:13,600 --> 00:05:15,070
A LOT MORE LATINOS.
112
00:05:15,066 --> 00:05:16,866
YOU KNOW, THERE'S MORE LATINOS
IN AMERICAN THAN BLACK PEOPLE.
113
00:05:16,867 --> 00:05:18,497
DID YOU KNOW THAT,
BLACK FOLKS?
114
00:05:18,500 --> 00:05:21,030
YEAH. WE LOSING.
115
00:05:21,033 --> 00:05:22,673
YOU KNOW, SOME BLACK FOLKS
GET UPSET ABOUT THAT.
116
00:05:22,667 --> 00:05:25,297
THEY DON'T LIKE THE
WHOLE LATINO BOOM. THEY GET ALL MAD.
117
00:05:25,300 --> 00:05:28,070
"WELL, YOU KNOW, ROY, THE ONLY
REASON MEXICANS OVER HERE IS
118
00:05:28,066 --> 00:05:30,626
"BECAUSE OF WHAT BLACK FOLKS DID
IN THE CIVIL RIGHTS MOVEMENT.
119
00:05:30,633 --> 00:05:32,473
WE PAVED THE WAY."
120
00:05:32,467 --> 00:05:35,527
WHICH MIGHT BE TRUE,
BUT WASN'T THAT THE PURPOSE
121
00:05:35,533 --> 00:05:38,433
OF THE CIVIL RIGHTS MOVEMENT?
122
00:05:38,433 --> 00:05:39,773
I MEAN,
CORRECT ME IF I'M WRONG,
123
00:05:39,767 --> 00:05:42,067
BUT WASN'T THE WHOLE POINT
OF THE CIVIL RIGHTS MOVEMENT
124
00:05:42,066 --> 00:05:45,026
TO BE SURE THAT EVERYBODY
COULD GET SOME RIGHTS?
125
00:05:45,033 --> 00:05:47,773
YOU CAN'T MARCH FOR EQUAL
RIGHTS AND THEN GET JEALOUS
126
00:05:47,767 --> 00:05:51,067
WHEN ANOTHER RACE START
TRYING TO GET RIGHTS.
127
00:05:51,066 --> 00:05:53,226
WHAT KIND OF DUMB SHIT--
128
00:05:53,233 --> 00:05:55,403
I HEARD MARTIN LUTHER KING'S
"I HAVE A DREAM" SPEECH.
129
00:05:55,400 --> 00:05:57,200
IT WASN'T NO PUERTO RICAN
DISCLAIMER AT THE BOTTOM
130
00:05:57,200 --> 00:05:59,300
OF THE SPEECH.
HE DIDN'T--
131
00:05:59,300 --> 00:06:00,800
"I HAVE A DREAM.
BLACKS AND PROTESTANTS,
132
00:06:00,800 --> 00:06:02,300
"JEWS AND GENTILES,
BUT NO CUBANS
133
00:06:02,300 --> 00:06:04,170
"UNLESS THEY PICK SOME
FRUIT OR GOT A CURVE BALL.
134
00:06:04,166 --> 00:06:08,126
I HAVE A DREAM."
135
00:06:08,133 --> 00:06:10,233
I THINK IT'S COOL THAT LATINOS
COVER AND PICK FRUIT
136
00:06:10,233 --> 00:06:11,273
AND DO YARD WORK.
137
00:06:11,266 --> 00:06:12,466
THAT'S PART OF
AMERICA'S HAZING.
138
00:06:12,467 --> 00:06:13,467
YOU GOT TO CHIP IN.
139
00:06:13,467 --> 00:06:14,527
YOU GOT TO PICK SOME SHIT.
140
00:06:17,033 --> 00:06:18,603
THAT'S HISTORY.
LOOK AT THE INDIANS.
141
00:06:18,600 --> 00:06:19,770
INDIANS DID YARD WORK.
142
00:06:19,767 --> 00:06:21,097
BLACK PEOPLE DID YARD WORK.
143
00:06:21,100 --> 00:06:22,600
IT'S ONLY FAIR THAT
LATINOS COME OVER AND GET
144
00:06:22,600 --> 00:06:23,830
A ORANGE OR A TOMATO.
145
00:06:23,834 --> 00:06:25,904
GO PICK THAT SHIT.
146
00:06:25,900 --> 00:06:27,030
WELCOME TO AMERICA.
147
00:06:27,033 --> 00:06:28,073
HERE'S YOUR BAG.
148
00:06:28,066 --> 00:06:30,166
FIELD NUMBER 7.
149
00:06:30,166 --> 00:06:32,526
WELCOME.
150
00:06:32,533 --> 00:06:34,073
YOU GOT TO CHIP IN
AND PICK SOME FRUIT.
151
00:06:34,066 --> 00:06:35,466
THAT'S WHY I TRIP
OFF OF ARABS.
152
00:06:35,467 --> 00:06:37,097
EVERY TIME A MOVIE COME
OUT WITH A ARAB TERRORIST,
153
00:06:37,100 --> 00:06:38,530
ARABS GET ALL PISSED OFF.
154
00:06:38,533 --> 00:06:41,033
"THE AMERICAN MOVIE PORTRAY
THE ARAB AS TERRORISTS.
155
00:06:41,033 --> 00:06:42,873
"WHY DO YOU DO THAT DO
THE ARAB PEOPLE?
156
00:06:42,867 --> 00:06:44,727
"THE MUSLIM RELIGION PEACEFUL
RELIGION, BUT THE AMERICAN
157
00:06:44,734 --> 00:06:47,304
"MOVIE ONLY PERPETUATE
THE POST-9-11 STEREOTYPE.
158
00:06:47,300 --> 00:06:48,670
"YOU MAKE IT SO HARD FOR THE
ARAB PEOPLE TO THRIVE
159
00:06:48,667 --> 00:06:49,767
"IN THIS COUNTRY.
160
00:06:49,767 --> 00:06:50,967
"WHY DO YOU DO THAT TO
THE ARAB PEOPLE?
161
00:06:50,967 --> 00:06:52,267
"THE ARAB PEOPLE DO
NOT DESERVE IT.
162
00:06:52,266 --> 00:06:53,696
WHY--WHY DO YOU DO THAT
TO THE ARAB?"
163
00:06:53,700 --> 00:06:55,430
BECAUSE YOU AIN'T
PICKED NO FRUIT, HO!
164
00:06:55,433 --> 00:06:57,803
PICK SOME FRUIT!
165
00:06:57,800 --> 00:06:59,000
PICK SOME FRUIT!
166
00:07:03,900 --> 00:07:06,370
ASIANS GET A PASS BECAUSE THEY
GAVE US JACKIE CHAN, AND I
167
00:07:06,367 --> 00:07:09,127
LIKE JACKIE CHAN, SO...
168
00:07:09,133 --> 00:07:10,933
HEH HEH!
169
00:07:10,934 --> 00:07:12,634
YEAH.
170
00:07:12,633 --> 00:07:14,673
THIS COUNTRY IS SO
RACIALLY TENSE NOWADAYS.
171
00:07:14,667 --> 00:07:16,167
BLACK FOLKS, LET ME JUST
SAY THIS REAL QUICK.
172
00:07:16,166 --> 00:07:18,826
EVERYTHING THAT YOU THINK
IS RACISM ISN'T RACISM.
173
00:07:18,834 --> 00:07:21,204
RACISM STILL EXISTS, BUT
DON'T BE SO QUICK TO HIT
174
00:07:21,200 --> 00:07:22,830
THE RACISM BUZZER.
175
00:07:22,834 --> 00:07:24,504
EVERYTHING THAT BAD
THAT HAPPEN TO YOU AIN'T
176
00:07:24,500 --> 00:07:25,500
BECAUSE YOU BLACK.
177
00:07:25,500 --> 00:07:29,300
THERE'S STILL
STUPID MOTHERFUCKERS.
178
00:07:29,300 --> 00:07:31,070
YOU KNOW, YOU BE IN A
FAST-FOOD RESTAURANT,
179
00:07:31,066 --> 00:07:32,626
BLACK DUDE ORDER A 6-PIECE
CHICKEN NUGGET.
180
00:07:32,633 --> 00:07:34,003
THERE'S 5 NUGGETS IN THE BOX.
181
00:07:34,000 --> 00:07:37,370
THIS BROTHER TURN INTO
NELSON MANDELA RIGHT THERE.
182
00:07:37,367 --> 00:07:39,097
"THEM WHITE FOLKS BACK
THERE EATING OUR NUGGETS.
183
00:07:39,100 --> 00:07:41,830
HELL, NO!"
184
00:07:41,834 --> 00:07:43,174
IT'S NOT RACISM.
185
00:07:43,166 --> 00:07:44,396
THEY CAN'T COUNT TO 6.
186
00:07:44,400 --> 00:07:46,330
YOU GOT TO ORDER
A 4 AND A 2.
187
00:07:50,767 --> 00:07:52,797
I THINK WHITE PEOPLE THAT
LIKE BLACK PEOPLE, HONESTLY,
188
00:07:52,800 --> 00:07:55,000
THEY SHOULD GET SOME SORT
OF WRIST BAND OR HAND STAMP
189
00:07:55,000 --> 00:07:57,170
OR SOMETHING.
190
00:07:57,166 --> 00:07:59,366
I'M SERIOUS, SOMETHING YOU CAN
SHOW IN A DARK ALLEY TO KEEP
191
00:07:59,367 --> 00:08:01,467
FROM GETTING ROBBED, SOMETHING
CONVENIENT TO LET BLACK FOLKS
192
00:08:01,467 --> 00:08:02,797
KNOW THAT YOU DOWN
WITH THE CAUSE.
193
00:08:02,800 --> 00:08:04,530
WOULDN'T THAT BE COOL?
194
00:08:04,533 --> 00:08:06,103
WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO
SEE THAT, BLACK FOLKS?
195
00:08:06,100 --> 00:08:08,370
THAT WAY YOU AIN'T GOT TO JUDGE
WHITE PEOPLE WHEN YOU SEE THEM.
196
00:08:08,367 --> 00:08:11,427
"I WONDER IF HE'S A RACIST."
YOU'LL KNOW.
197
00:08:11,433 --> 00:08:14,273
YOU COMING OUT TO YOUR
CAR AFTER THE SHOW, TWO
198
00:08:14,266 --> 00:08:15,296
BROTHERS JUMP OUT.
199
00:08:15,300 --> 00:08:16,530
"GIVE ME YOUR MONEY,
WHITE BOY."
200
00:08:16,533 --> 00:08:20,503
"WHOA! AH, AH, AH!"
201
00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:23,500
"GO AHEAD, GO AHEAD, GO AHEAD.
202
00:08:23,500 --> 00:08:24,730
"LET HER GO, CHUCKY.
203
00:08:24,734 --> 00:08:26,034
"SHE GOT THE WRISTBAND, CHUCKY.
204
00:08:26,033 --> 00:08:27,573
"LET HER GO.
205
00:08:27,567 --> 00:08:31,227
IT'S ALL GOOD."
206
00:08:31,233 --> 00:08:32,973
I'M GOING THROUGH
SOME TRAUMA RIGHT NOW.
207
00:08:32,967 --> 00:08:35,397
I JUST HAD THE JOY OF BEING
A PASSENGER DURING A TRAFFIC
208
00:08:35,400 --> 00:08:37,700
STOP FOR THE FIRST TIME.
209
00:08:37,700 --> 00:08:39,430
YOU EVER BEEN THROUGH THAT?
210
00:08:39,433 --> 00:08:40,703
YOU EVER BE IN THE CAR WITH
YOUR BUDDY, YOUR BUDDY GET
211
00:08:40,700 --> 00:08:42,370
PULLED OVER?
212
00:08:42,367 --> 00:08:46,467
WHAT DO I DO AS A PASSENGER
DURING THE TRAFFIC STOP?
213
00:08:46,467 --> 00:08:47,527
WHAT DO I DO?
214
00:08:47,533 --> 00:08:48,903
DO I RUN, DO I
SWALLOW THE DOPE?
215
00:08:48,900 --> 00:08:52,400
WHAT OBLIGATION DO I HAVE?
216
00:08:52,400 --> 00:08:54,270
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
BECAUSE McGRUFF THE CRIME DOG
217
00:08:54,266 --> 00:08:55,596
NEVER COVERED THAT.
218
00:08:55,600 --> 00:08:59,300
THAT WAS NEVER A TOPIC IN
THE McGRUFF COLORING BOOK.
219
00:08:59,300 --> 00:09:01,030
YOU REMEMBER McGRUFF,
THAT STUPID-ASS DOG
220
00:09:01,033 --> 00:09:02,773
GIVE YOU THEM TIPS?
221
00:09:02,767 --> 00:09:03,927
"DON'T TALK TO STRANGERS.
222
00:09:03,934 --> 00:09:06,174
"DON'T EAT CANDY
FROM STRANGERS.
223
00:09:06,166 --> 00:09:07,566
IF A STRANGER KNOCKS
ON YOUR DOOR"--
224
00:09:07,567 --> 00:09:09,527
NOW WHAT DO I DO HAVE A
POUND OF WEED THAT'S NOT
225
00:09:09,533 --> 00:09:12,003
MINE, McGRUFF?
226
00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:14,300
STUPID-ASS DOG.
227
00:09:14,300 --> 00:09:18,600
BUTT-NAKED, TRENCH COAT,
PEDOPHILE-LOOKING--
228
00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:19,870
McGRUFF WAS A PEDOPHILE.
229
00:09:19,867 --> 00:09:21,567
I DON'T CARE HOW
YOU FEEL ABOUT IT.
230
00:09:21,567 --> 00:09:24,227
BUTT-NAKED DOG IN A TRENCH
COAT PASSING OUT CRAYONS.
231
00:09:30,900 --> 00:09:33,030
BUT IT WAS TRIPPY WHEN WE GOT
PULLED OVER BECAUSE I KNEW MY
232
00:09:33,033 --> 00:09:34,673
PARTNER WAS IN MORE TROUBLE
THAN ME BECAUSE IT WAS TAKING
233
00:09:34,667 --> 00:09:37,797
THE POLICE TOO LONG TO RUN
HIS LICENSE THROUGH THE RADIO.
234
00:09:37,800 --> 00:09:39,270
YOU KNOW, YOU NEVER DONE
NOTHING WRONG IN YOUR LIFE,
235
00:09:39,266 --> 00:09:40,996
A COP RUN YOUR LICENSE,
IT DON'T TAKE BUT 5 SECONDS TO
236
00:09:41,000 --> 00:09:42,670
GET THE ALL CLEAR TO
SEND YOU ON YOUR WAY.
237
00:09:42,667 --> 00:09:44,867
HE GET YOUR LICENSE,
HE LOOK AT IT.
238
00:09:44,867 --> 00:09:48,927
"357 SCABADAW."
239
00:09:48,934 --> 00:09:52,404
[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]
240
00:09:52,400 --> 00:09:54,670
"SCABADAW. TWO. GONNA BE MALE,
BLACK, WOOD JR., ROY.
241
00:09:54,667 --> 00:09:56,797
D.O.B. VICTOR-VICTOR
473 ALPHA-CHARLES-LIMA.
242
00:09:56,800 --> 00:09:59,570
COME BACK ON A SCABADAW."
243
00:09:59,567 --> 00:10:00,697
"SCABADAW. STAND BY."
244
00:10:00,700 --> 00:10:01,770
"10-4. STAT."
245
00:10:07,433 --> 00:10:08,403
"SCABADAW. 3."
246
00:10:08,400 --> 00:10:09,400
"SCABADAW. GO AHEAD."
247
00:10:09,400 --> 00:10:10,530
"BACK UP EN ROUTE.
SCABADAW. 3.
248
00:10:10,533 --> 00:10:11,973
"SUSPECT ALL CLEAR.
LET HIM GO.
249
00:10:11,967 --> 00:10:13,367
LET THAT NEGRO GO. 10-4?"
250
00:10:13,367 --> 00:10:15,097
[MAKES CLICKING SOUNDS]
251
00:10:15,100 --> 00:10:17,300
"YOU'RE FREE TO GO, SIR."
252
00:10:17,300 --> 00:10:19,300
YEAH. THAT'S IF
YOU'RE ALL CLEAR.
253
00:10:19,300 --> 00:10:21,130
YOU EVER DONE SOMETHING WRONG
IN YOUR LIFE, THE COP RUN YOUR
254
00:10:21,133 --> 00:10:23,433
LICENSE, I'M TELLING YOU,
IT'S THIS LONG PAUSE WHILE
255
00:10:23,433 --> 00:10:26,803
DISPATCH TYPES UP EVERYTHING
THAT YOU'VE EVER DONE.
256
00:10:26,800 --> 00:10:28,400
YOU CAN CALL THAT A PAUSE.
257
00:10:28,400 --> 00:10:30,230
BACK IN BIRMINGHAM, WE
CALL THAT A HEAD START.
258
00:10:30,233 --> 00:10:32,733
YOU NEED TO RUN.
259
00:10:32,734 --> 00:10:34,074
HA HA!
260
00:10:34,066 --> 00:10:35,796
THE COP STARTS
LAUGHING IN YOUR FACE.
261
00:10:35,800 --> 00:10:37,330
THE POLICE LET YOU
KNOW WHEN TO TAKE OFF.
262
00:10:37,333 --> 00:10:38,933
THEY LAUGH RIGHT IN YOUR
FACE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE--
263
00:10:38,934 --> 00:10:41,804
"3527 SCABADAW."
264
00:10:41,800 --> 00:10:43,530
"SCABADAW 352. WAITING.
265
00:10:43,533 --> 00:10:45,633
COME BACK. SCABADAW."
266
00:10:45,633 --> 00:10:47,133
"SCABADAW. TWO. GONNA BE
WOOD JR., ROY,
267
00:10:47,133 --> 00:10:48,173
"WOOD JR., ROY.
268
00:10:48,166 --> 00:10:49,296
"VICTOR-VICTOR CODE 6.
269
00:10:49,300 --> 00:10:51,370
"D.O.B 12-11 ADAM-ADAM
TWO CHARLES TWO LIMA
270
00:10:51,367 --> 00:10:55,097
VICTOR-CHARLES-LINCOLN.
SCABADAW."
271
00:10:55,100 --> 00:10:56,130
"SCABADAW. STAND BY."
272
00:10:56,133 --> 00:10:57,133
"10-4. STAT.
273
00:10:57,133 --> 00:10:58,233
SIT TIGHT, BRO."
274
00:11:02,934 --> 00:11:06,074
"KEEP YOUR HANDS--KEEP
YOUR HANDS WHERE I--
275
00:11:06,066 --> 00:11:07,266
YOU SIT TIGHT."
276
00:11:22,033 --> 00:11:24,033
"SCABADAW. 3."
"SCABADAW. GO AHEAD."
277
00:11:24,033 --> 00:11:27,033
"BACKUP EN ROUTE. BEAT
THAT ASS, BEAT THAT ASS."
278
00:11:27,033 --> 00:11:28,233
APPRECIATE IT, "DEF JAM."
279
00:11:28,233 --> 00:11:29,303
THANK YOU A LOT, MAN.
280
00:11:29,300 --> 00:11:31,330
[HIP-HOP PLAYING]
281
00:11:39,266 --> 00:11:40,866
- GIVE IT UP TO MY
MAN ROY WOOD JR.
282
00:11:40,867 --> 00:11:42,297
VERY FUNNY MOTHERFUCKER.
283
00:11:46,600 --> 00:11:48,800
THAT'S FUNNY, MAN.
HE'S RIGHT ABOUT THE POLICE.
284
00:11:48,800 --> 00:11:50,730
WE HEARD THEM SOUNDS, A COUPLE
OF BROTHERS IN HERE WENT,
285
00:11:50,734 --> 00:11:53,274
"OH, SHIT."
286
00:11:53,266 --> 00:11:54,766
POLICE ALWAYS
FUCKING WITH YOU.
287
00:11:54,767 --> 00:11:55,867
YOU EVER BE RIDING WITH
A MOTHERFUCKER
288
00:11:55,867 --> 00:11:56,997
AND THE POLICE BEHIND YOU.
289
00:11:57,000 --> 00:11:58,600
"HEY, MAN. THE
POLICE BEHIND US.
290
00:11:58,600 --> 00:12:01,770
DON'T LOOK."
291
00:12:01,767 --> 00:12:02,927
WHAT DO HIS DUMB ASS--
292
00:12:02,934 --> 00:12:06,034
"OH, I DON'T SEE NO POLICE!"
293
00:12:06,033 --> 00:12:09,203
"MOTHERFUCKER, BECAUSE
THEY'RE IN THE CAR NOW. SHIT."
294
00:12:09,200 --> 00:12:10,930
YOU EVER HAVE A MOTHERFUCKER
LAY SOME INFORMATION ON YOU
295
00:12:10,934 --> 00:12:12,974
YOU DIDN'T KNOW WHEN
YOU GOT IN THE CAR?
296
00:12:12,967 --> 00:12:14,327
"YOU KNOW I GOT A GUN."
297
00:12:14,333 --> 00:12:18,233
"NO, MOTHERFUCKER. I DIDN'T
KNOW YOU HAD A GUN, BUT AS
298
00:12:18,233 --> 00:12:19,633
"SOON AS THEY STOP,
THEY GONNA KNOW.
299
00:12:19,633 --> 00:12:20,703
"I'M TELLING ON YOUR ASS.
300
00:12:20,700 --> 00:12:23,130
FUCK YOU. SHIT.
I GOT WARRANTS."
301
00:12:23,133 --> 00:12:27,003
YOU EVER--THAT'S A BIG THING IN
L.A. YOU GOT WARRANTS, MAN.
302
00:12:27,000 --> 00:12:28,770
YOU EVER CHANGE YOUR NAME
BECAUSE YOU GOT WARRANTS,
303
00:12:28,767 --> 00:12:31,167
AND THEN THE NAME YOU CHANGED
GOT WORSE SHIT THAN
304
00:12:31,166 --> 00:12:32,196
YOU REALLY DO?
305
00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:33,230
YOU'RE LIKE...
306
00:12:34,834 --> 00:12:36,534
"HEY, I DIDN'T KILL
NOBODY, OFFICER.
307
00:12:36,533 --> 00:12:38,973
"I JUST DIDN'T PAY MY TICKET,
YOU KNOW, LIKE MOST
308
00:12:38,967 --> 00:12:40,327
MOTHERFUCKERS DO."
309
00:12:40,333 --> 00:12:44,933
Y'ALL READY TO KEEP
THIS THING GOING?
310
00:12:44,934 --> 00:12:47,274
ALL RIGHT. I CAN GUARANTEE
YOU THIS IS A FUNNY DUDE.
311
00:12:47,266 --> 00:12:49,266
HE'S A FORMER A GRAFFITI
ARTIST WHO TRADED CANS
312
00:12:49,266 --> 00:12:50,796
OF SPRAY-PAINT
FOR PUNCH LINES.
313
00:12:50,800 --> 00:12:52,970
FROM NEW JERSEY, ONE OF THE
FUNNIEST CATS IN THE COUNTRY.
314
00:12:52,967 --> 00:12:54,827
GIVE IT UP TO KYLE GROOMS!
315
00:12:54,834 --> 00:12:56,804
[HIP-HOP PLAYING]
316
00:13:04,800 --> 00:13:08,130
- OH, DAMN. HA HA HA!
317
00:13:08,133 --> 00:13:10,503
I LOVE HIP-HOP.
IT FEED MY SPIRIT, MAN.
318
00:13:10,500 --> 00:13:12,030
I HOPE WHEN I DIE THEY PLAY
A LITTLE HIP-HOP AT MY
319
00:13:12,033 --> 00:13:13,673
FUNERAL AND SHIT.
320
00:13:13,667 --> 00:13:19,867
PUT ME IN MY COFFIN IN
A B-BOY STANCE.
321
00:13:19,867 --> 00:13:20,927
HAVE A D.J.
322
00:13:20,934 --> 00:13:22,204
"WHERE BROOKLYN AT?
323
00:13:22,200 --> 00:13:23,870
WHERE BROOKLYN AT?"
324
00:13:23,867 --> 00:13:25,097
I'LL JUMP OUT MY COFFIN.
325
00:13:25,100 --> 00:13:28,700
"RIGHT HERE, NIGGER."
326
00:13:28,700 --> 00:13:33,100
AND I'M FROM JERSEY, SO
THAT'S HOW DEEP THAT SHIT IS.
327
00:13:33,100 --> 00:13:34,370
I USED TO BE A
GRAFFITI ARTIST.
328
00:13:34,367 --> 00:13:35,897
THAT WAS MY THING, YOU KNOW?
329
00:13:35,900 --> 00:13:38,200
I'D SNEAK OUT LATE AT NIGHT,
SPRAY-PAINTING
330
00:13:38,200 --> 00:13:39,930
ON PEOPLE'S PROPERTY.
331
00:13:39,934 --> 00:13:42,004
YEAH. THAT SHIT WAS COOL
UNTIL I BOUGHT PROPERTY.
332
00:13:45,300 --> 00:13:49,000
ONCE I GOT A CRIB, SHIT HAD
TO CHANGE GODDAMN IT.
333
00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:50,430
THEY KEEP FUCKING
WITH HIP-HOP.
334
00:13:50,433 --> 00:13:52,073
THEY DON'T LIKE THE LANGUAGE
HIP-HOPPERS USE AND SHIT.
335
00:13:52,066 --> 00:13:54,996
I LOVE STREET LANGUAGE BECAUSE
STREET LANGUAGE SAYS WHAT I
336
00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:57,600
REALLY WANT TO SAY IN MY HEART
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW--I KNOW HOW
337
00:13:57,600 --> 00:13:59,500
TO SPEAK THE KING'S ENGLISH,
BUT IF SOMEBODY KICK ME
338
00:13:59,500 --> 00:14:04,030
IN THE NUTS, I'M
GONNA SAY, "FUCK!"
339
00:14:04,033 --> 00:14:05,803
NOT NO, "OH, DEAR."
340
00:14:09,133 --> 00:14:11,533
"YOU HAVE KICKED ME
IN THE TESTICLES."
341
00:14:17,133 --> 00:14:19,203
STOP FUCKING WITH
THE LANGUAGE, MAN.
342
00:14:19,200 --> 00:14:22,400
SOME OF THE BEST POETRY GOT
DIRTY WORDS IN IT AND SHIT--
343
00:14:22,400 --> 00:14:24,830
BITCH, HO, NIGGER, ALL THAT
SHIT, BUT THAT SHIT IS HOT
344
00:14:24,834 --> 00:14:25,874
WHEN YOU IN THE CLUB.
345
00:14:25,867 --> 00:14:28,567
♪ BITCHES AIN'T SHIT ♪
346
00:14:28,567 --> 00:14:31,027
♪ BITCHES AIN'T SHIT ♪
347
00:14:31,033 --> 00:14:33,733
♪ BITCHES AIN'T SHIT ♪
348
00:14:33,734 --> 00:14:36,104
♪ BITCHES AIN'T SHIT ♪
349
00:14:36,100 --> 00:14:38,300
"EXCUSE ME. WOULD YOU
LADIES LIKE TO DANCE?"
350
00:14:42,333 --> 00:14:43,603
"WELL, COME ON."
351
00:14:43,600 --> 00:14:46,400
♪ BITCHES AIN'T SHIT ♪
352
00:14:46,400 --> 00:14:49,030
♪ BITCHES AIN'T SHIT ♪
353
00:14:49,033 --> 00:14:50,573
♪ DO DO DO DO ♪
354
00:14:54,033 --> 00:14:56,373
LOVE HIP-HOP, MAN.
PEOPLE DON'T LIKE THE WORDS.
355
00:14:56,367 --> 00:14:57,627
LIKE, "NIGGER" IS
DRIVING PEOPLE CRAZY,
356
00:14:57,633 --> 00:14:58,803
THE WORD "NIGGER."
357
00:14:58,800 --> 00:15:00,800
KRAMER SAID, "NIGGER,"
PEOPLE GOT FUCKED UP.
358
00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:02,100
PEOPLE CAME AND "OH, MY GOD.
359
00:15:02,100 --> 00:15:03,270
"KRAMER SAID THE N-WORD.
360
00:15:03,266 --> 00:15:05,096
HOW DO YOU FEEL?"
361
00:15:05,100 --> 00:15:06,430
I WAS LIKE, "HOW DO I FEEL?
362
00:15:06,433 --> 00:15:11,133
"UH, FUCK THAT NIGGER.
363
00:15:11,133 --> 00:15:13,633
"YOU CAN'T KILL ME WITH A WORD.
364
00:15:13,633 --> 00:15:15,873
THERE'S WORDS THAT HURT
ME WORSE THAN NIGGER."
365
00:15:15,867 --> 00:15:17,527
WORDS LIKE "ALGEBRA."
366
00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:23,170
ALGEBRA KICKED MY
ASS FOR YEARS.
367
00:15:23,166 --> 00:15:25,026
"NIGGER"--YOU CAN SHAKE THAT
OFF, BUT ALGEBRA HAD YOU
368
00:15:25,033 --> 00:15:29,733
IN SUMMER SCHOOL.
369
00:15:29,734 --> 00:15:32,774
I NEED MY TIME, YOU KNOW?
370
00:15:32,767 --> 00:15:33,897
YOU WORRIED ABOUT A WORD?
371
00:15:33,900 --> 00:15:35,270
THAT'S HOW YOU TRAIN
A DOG WITH WORD.
372
00:15:35,266 --> 00:15:38,026
YOU TEACH A DOG A WORD THAT
FUCK HIS SPIRIT UP, SO AS SOON
373
00:15:38,033 --> 00:15:39,973
AS HE HEAR IT, HE...ARF!
374
00:15:39,967 --> 00:15:42,097
BE LIKE, SIT! AAH!
375
00:15:42,100 --> 00:15:43,100
STAY. AAH!
376
00:15:43,100 --> 00:15:48,400
NIGGER. OHH!
377
00:15:48,400 --> 00:15:50,700
YOU KNOW, THERE'S BEEN DEBATE
WHAT TO CALL BLACK PEOPLE.
378
00:15:50,700 --> 00:15:52,330
ARE WE AFRICAN-AMERICAN,
ARE WE COLORED, ARE WE
379
00:15:52,333 --> 00:15:56,533
JIGABOOS, ALL THIS SHIT.
380
00:15:56,533 --> 00:15:58,803
IF I CAN'T BE A HUMAN,
MY FAVORITE IS BLACK.
381
00:15:58,800 --> 00:16:02,900
I LIKE BLACK BECAUSE BLACK
SOUNDS STRONG, RIGHT?
382
00:16:02,900 --> 00:16:06,570
RIGHT?
383
00:16:06,567 --> 00:16:11,467
I'M BLACK LIKE THE UNIVERSE.
384
00:16:11,467 --> 00:16:15,097
I'M A BLACK MAN, BUT
MY NAME IS KYLE.
385
00:16:20,133 --> 00:16:21,773
IT'S HARD TO GET RESPECT IN
THE STREETS WHEN YOUR NAME IS
386
00:16:21,767 --> 00:16:24,497
KYLE AND SHIT BECAUSE YOU
WOULDN'T BE SCARED IF KYLE
387
00:16:24,500 --> 00:16:26,170
WERE AFTER YOU.
388
00:16:26,166 --> 00:16:28,696
RIGHT, A DUDE WALK UP, "YO,
MAN, YOU BETTER WATCH YOUR BACK.
389
00:16:28,700 --> 00:16:29,900
KYLE'S LOOKING FOR YOU."
390
00:16:35,700 --> 00:16:37,600
YOU GO, "KYLE?
391
00:16:37,600 --> 00:16:39,100
THE NIGGER WITH THE GLASSES?"
392
00:16:45,667 --> 00:16:49,227
"I'M GONNA KICK HIS ASS.
393
00:16:49,233 --> 00:16:53,873
"CALL ME WHEN TYRONE
LOOKING FOR ME.
394
00:16:53,867 --> 00:16:55,927
NOT SCARED OF KYLE."
395
00:16:59,400 --> 00:17:02,370
THANK YOU. HEH HEH HEH!
396
00:17:02,367 --> 00:17:03,527
AMERICA'S A COOL PLACE.
397
00:17:03,533 --> 00:17:04,733
WE TRYING TO GET
ALONG AND SHIT.
398
00:17:04,734 --> 00:17:06,174
YOU KNOW, WE TRYING TO FLOW.
399
00:17:06,166 --> 00:17:07,326
LIKE, I'M LOOKING
AT THIS ROOM.
400
00:17:07,333 --> 00:17:08,503
WE GOT A MIXED GROUP IN HERE.
401
00:17:08,500 --> 00:17:12,070
WE LIKE A BAG OF SKITTLES
IN THIS MOTHERFUCKER.
402
00:17:12,066 --> 00:17:14,896
WE TRYING. WE ALMOST BECAME
AMERICANS 9-11 BECAUSE WE ALL
403
00:17:14,900 --> 00:17:16,430
CAME TOGETHER 9-11.
404
00:17:16,433 --> 00:17:19,303
THAT WAS WHAT WAS BEAUTIFUL,
BUT THEN KATRINA HIT, WE WERE
405
00:17:19,300 --> 00:17:20,830
BACK TO NIGGERS AND
CRACKERS AND SHIT.
406
00:17:20,834 --> 00:17:23,104
IT WAS SOME WEIRD SHIT.
407
00:17:23,100 --> 00:17:25,230
YO.
408
00:17:25,233 --> 00:17:27,903
BECAUSE LIKE SEPTEMBER--LIKE
SEPTEMBER 11 HAPPENED.
409
00:17:27,900 --> 00:17:29,070
SEPTEMBER 12, I WAS READY.
410
00:17:29,066 --> 00:17:30,226
YOU KNOW, THEY HAD
THE COMMERCIALS--
411
00:17:30,233 --> 00:17:33,233
"I AM AN AMERICAN,"
AND A WHITE PERSON COME OUT,
412
00:17:33,233 --> 00:17:35,433
"I AM AN AMERICAN."
413
00:17:35,433 --> 00:17:37,873
A BLACK PERSON, "I
AM AN AMERICAN."
414
00:17:37,867 --> 00:17:40,227
THEN THEY SHOW A IMMIGRANT,
HE BE LIKE, "I AM AN AMERICA!"
415
00:17:47,934 --> 00:17:50,474
AND WE LOOK AT
HIM LIKE, "NAW."
416
00:17:53,500 --> 00:17:55,830
"YOU BETTER SHOW ME
A BIRTH CERTIFICATE."
417
00:17:58,233 --> 00:18:01,033
"I'M CALLING
IMMIGRATION ON YOUR ASS.
418
00:18:01,033 --> 00:18:03,703
AN AMERICAN LOOKING THAT?"
419
00:18:03,700 --> 00:18:05,930
I KNOW WHAT I WANT TO
TALK ABOUT BEFORE I GET
420
00:18:05,934 --> 00:18:07,004
OUT OF HERE.
421
00:18:07,000 --> 00:18:08,670
BARACK OBAMA.
422
00:18:08,667 --> 00:18:09,927
OK. I'M GONNA TALK ABOUT HIM.
423
00:18:13,233 --> 00:18:14,603
SEEMS LIKE AN
INTERESTING DUDE.
424
00:18:14,600 --> 00:18:17,170
I DON'T KNOW ANY OF HIS
POLITICS, I DON'T, BUT HE JUST
425
00:18:17,166 --> 00:18:19,266
SEEM LIKE SUCH A NICE GUY.
426
00:18:19,266 --> 00:18:22,966
EVERY TIME I SEE HIM ON TV,
HE'S SO POSITIVE.
427
00:18:22,967 --> 00:18:26,067
"ONE QUESTION PEOPLE OFTEN ASK
ME, THEY SAY, BARACK HUSSEIN
428
00:18:26,066 --> 00:18:28,966
"OBAMA, WHAT KIND
OF NAME IS THAT?
429
00:18:28,967 --> 00:18:32,567
"BECAUSE YOU SOUND LIKE A
TERRORIST, BUT I TELL THEM
430
00:18:32,567 --> 00:18:34,167
"THAT I'M NO TERRORIST.
431
00:18:34,166 --> 00:18:36,396
"JUST LOOK AT MY SMILE.
432
00:18:36,400 --> 00:18:41,730
"I HAVE ALL 32 TEETH--
INCISORS, MOLARS, BICUSPIDS,
433
00:18:41,734 --> 00:18:45,674
"AND MY FAVORITE WISDOM BECAUSE
IT'S GONNA TAKE WISDOM IF
434
00:18:45,667 --> 00:18:51,567
"AMERICA IS GONNA GO
INTO THE FUTURE.
435
00:18:51,567 --> 00:18:56,667
"SO BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA IS
NOT A TERRORIST NAME.
436
00:18:56,667 --> 00:18:58,367
"IT'S A SWAHILI NAME.
437
00:18:58,367 --> 00:19:00,597
IT MEANS NIGGER WHO
WANTS TO BE PRESIDENT."
438
00:19:02,667 --> 00:19:04,097
"HOPE I CAN COUNT
ON YOUR VOTE."
439
00:19:04,100 --> 00:19:06,230
I'M KYLE GROOMS.
THANK Y'ALL FOR LISTENING TO ME.
440
00:19:06,233 --> 00:19:08,673
[HIP-HOP PLAYING]
441
00:19:08,667 --> 00:19:09,827
ALL RIGHT.
442
00:19:18,100 --> 00:19:20,570
- ONE MORE TIME FOR
MY MAN KYLE GROOMS!
443
00:19:25,633 --> 00:19:27,703
I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT.
444
00:19:27,700 --> 00:19:29,470
"NIGGER WHO WANTS
TO BE PRESIDENT."
445
00:19:29,467 --> 00:19:30,867
I--
446
00:19:30,867 --> 00:19:31,967
LOOK AT ALL THE WHITE PEOPLE.
447
00:19:31,967 --> 00:19:34,867
"I DIDN'T KNOW THAT EITHER."
448
00:19:34,867 --> 00:19:36,127
MY SON'S NAME IS KYLE.
449
00:19:36,133 --> 00:19:37,273
HE RIGHT. THAT IS
A FUCKED UP NAME.
450
00:19:37,266 --> 00:19:38,596
I TOLD MY WIFE NOT
TO NAME HIM THAT.
451
00:19:38,600 --> 00:19:40,770
YOU CAN'T GO TO
INGLEWOOD NAMED KYLE.
452
00:19:40,767 --> 00:19:42,267
CAN'T DO THAT SHIT.
453
00:19:42,266 --> 00:19:43,796
THIS MOTHERFUCKER PLAYING
THE FLUTE AT SCHOOL.
454
00:19:43,800 --> 00:19:45,430
THE FLUTE IS THE GAYEST
INSTRUMENT IN THE WHOLE
455
00:19:45,433 --> 00:19:47,133
FUCKING WORLD.
456
00:19:47,133 --> 00:19:49,373
THE FLUTE IS THE SOUNDTRACK
FOR A ASS-WHUPPING.
457
00:19:49,367 --> 00:19:51,597
THAT'S WHAT THE
FUCKING FLUTE IS.
458
00:19:51,600 --> 00:19:53,400
WOMEN ARE ALL, "AREN'T YOU PROUD
HE'S PLAYING A INSTRUMENT?"
459
00:19:53,400 --> 00:19:54,430
NOT ONE THAT'S
SHAPED LIKE A DICK.
460
00:19:54,433 --> 00:19:55,873
I'M NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT. SHIT.
461
00:20:00,300 --> 00:20:02,700
ALL RIGHT. HE IS THE FIRST
EAST INDIAN TO HEADLINE
462
00:20:02,700 --> 00:20:04,400
AND SELL OUT THE
APOLLO THEATER.
463
00:20:04,400 --> 00:20:06,230
I SAW THIS CAT IN LONDON
MANY, MANY YEARS AGO.
464
00:20:06,233 --> 00:20:07,633
HE'S A TALENTED YOUNG CAT.
465
00:20:07,633 --> 00:20:08,833
PLEASE PUT YOUR
HANDS TOGETHER.
466
00:20:08,834 --> 00:20:11,574
MAKING HIS DEBUT--
MR. RUSSELL PETERS!
467
00:20:11,567 --> 00:20:13,597
[HIP-HOP PLAYING]
468
00:20:23,467 --> 00:20:27,597
- THANKS, KID.
469
00:20:27,600 --> 00:20:29,030
THAT'S RIGHT.
I'M INDIAN, FOLKS.
470
00:20:29,033 --> 00:20:30,373
I DON'T WANT YOU SITTING
THERE FUCKING TRYING TO
471
00:20:30,367 --> 00:20:33,367
FIGURE IT OUT.
472
00:20:33,367 --> 00:20:34,897
I LIKE TO LOOK AT WHITE
PEOPLE WHEN THEY LOOK AT ME
473
00:20:34,900 --> 00:20:37,600
BECAUSE THEY GET REAL CONFUSED
BECAUSE EVERYBODY SAYS WHITE
474
00:20:37,600 --> 00:20:39,430
PEOPLE ARE RACISTS, BUT YOU
KNOW WHAT--LIKE, WITH BLACK
475
00:20:39,433 --> 00:20:42,203
PEOPLE, YOU KNOW WHAT
TO EXPECT FROM THEM.
476
00:20:42,200 --> 00:20:44,530
YOU KNOW WHEN YOU SEE A WHITE
GUY YOU KNOW WHAT HE'S THINKING.
477
00:20:44,533 --> 00:20:45,633
WHEN I SEE A WHITE GUY,
I LIKE TO LOOK AT THE LOOK
478
00:20:45,633 --> 00:20:46,803
ON HIS FACE GOING...
479
00:20:48,834 --> 00:20:50,604
"I WANT TO RACIALLY ABUSE THIS
GUY, BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT
480
00:20:50,600 --> 00:20:52,000
FUCKING RACE TO GO WITH."
481
00:20:55,000 --> 00:20:56,530
I'M INDIAN.
482
00:20:56,533 --> 00:21:00,733
CONVENIENCE STORE, NOT
CASINO JUST FOR THE RECORD.
483
00:21:00,734 --> 00:21:02,034
WE, UM--
484
00:21:06,934 --> 00:21:09,134
THE REAL INDIAN, THE ONES
THEY WERE LOOKING FOR.
485
00:21:13,066 --> 00:21:16,466
JUST SO YOU KNOW, BROWN
IS NOW THE NEW BLACK.
486
00:21:16,467 --> 00:21:19,327
YOU GUYS ARE OFF THE HOOK.
487
00:21:19,333 --> 00:21:22,173
YOU SHOULD THANK MY
PEOPLE FOR THIS SHIT.
488
00:21:22,166 --> 00:21:23,966
YOU CAN WALK THROUGH THE
AIRPORT NOW--A BLACK GUY CAN
489
00:21:23,967 --> 00:21:26,597
WALK THROUGH THE AIRPORT
WITH A BIG-ASS BAG OF WEED,
490
00:21:26,600 --> 00:21:27,970
AND SECURITY WILL
BE LIKE, "HEY."
491
00:21:27,967 --> 00:21:29,167
AND THE BLACK GUY WOULD
BE LIKE, "HEY. LOOK.
492
00:21:29,166 --> 00:21:30,396
A BROWN GUY."
493
00:21:30,400 --> 00:21:36,570
"SORRY, SIR. GO AHEAD."
494
00:21:36,567 --> 00:21:38,997
RACISM'S FUNNY TO ME BECAUSE
IN AMERICA IT'S ALWAYS
495
00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:42,030
ABOUT BLACK AND WHITE,
BUT YOU GUYS SEEM TO FORGET EVERYBODY SUFFERS RACISM.
496
00:21:42,033 --> 00:21:43,273
IF YOU AIN'T WHITE,
YOU'RE GETTING THAT
497
00:21:43,266 --> 00:21:45,426
FUCKING RACIST SHIT.
498
00:21:45,433 --> 00:21:47,303
AND THE N-WORD'S NOT
EXCLUSIVE TO BLACK PEOPLE.
499
00:21:47,300 --> 00:21:48,570
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'RE
AWARE OF THIS OR NOT.
500
00:21:48,567 --> 00:21:52,297
I WAS IN TENNESSEE EARLIER
THIS YEAR, AND APPARENTLY I
501
00:21:52,300 --> 00:21:54,870
WAS CROSSING THE ROAD A LITTLE
TOO SLOW FOR JETHRO IN HIS
502
00:21:54,867 --> 00:21:56,267
PICKUP TRUCK.
503
00:21:59,367 --> 00:22:02,097
I'M CROSSING THE STREET,
AND THIS WHITE DUDE--I SAW
504
00:22:02,100 --> 00:22:04,430
THE LOOK OF CONFUSION
ON HIS FACE FIRST.
505
00:22:08,600 --> 00:22:11,030
I KIND OF GET EXCITED WHEN
THEY GET CLOSE TO WHAT I AM,
506
00:22:11,033 --> 00:22:12,303
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
507
00:22:12,300 --> 00:22:14,000
SO HE ROLLS DOWN HIS WINDOW,
AND HE GOES, "MOVE IT,
508
00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:15,270
SAND NIGGER!"
509
00:22:18,333 --> 00:22:23,433
NOW I WAS WALKING AT
A DECENT PACE.
510
00:22:23,433 --> 00:22:25,073
I SLOWED DOWN REAL
QUICK LIKE THAT.
511
00:22:25,066 --> 00:22:27,396
I WAS LIKE, "ALL RIGHT,
MOTHERFUCKER, ALL RIGHT."
512
00:22:27,400 --> 00:22:28,970
THEN HE SAID SOME SHIT TO ME.
513
00:22:28,967 --> 00:22:31,997
YOU EVER HAD SOME RACIST SHIT
SAID TO YOU THAT CONFUSES
514
00:22:32,000 --> 00:22:34,170
YOUR EMOTIONS?
515
00:22:34,166 --> 00:22:36,026
LIKE, YOU'RE NOT SURE HOW
TO REACT BECAUSE IT GETS
516
00:22:36,033 --> 00:22:38,333
SO CREATIVE SOMETIMES.
517
00:22:38,333 --> 00:22:40,773
HE SAID SOME SHIT TO ME
THAT REALLY FUCKED
518
00:22:40,767 --> 00:22:42,527
WITH THE WAY I FELT.
519
00:22:42,533 --> 00:22:44,603
I DIDN'T KNOW WHETHER TO BE
MAD OR EXCITED THAT HE CAME UP
520
00:22:44,600 --> 00:22:47,830
WITH SOME NEW SHIT.
521
00:22:47,834 --> 00:22:49,134
I'M GOING SLOWER NOW.
522
00:22:49,133 --> 00:22:59,473
HE GOES,
"MOVE IT, DUNE COON!"
523
00:22:59,467 --> 00:23:00,827
I STOPPED, AND I
WAS LIKE, "WHAT?"
524
00:23:03,300 --> 00:23:06,070
I WAS HURT AND EXCITED.
525
00:23:06,066 --> 00:23:08,196
I WAS LIKE, "YOU MOTHERFUCKER.
526
00:23:08,200 --> 00:23:09,730
THAT IS SOME CLEVER SHIT."
527
00:23:15,600 --> 00:23:18,100
I GREW UP IN A BLACK
NEIGHBORHOOD, SO I GOT PICKED
528
00:23:18,100 --> 00:23:20,470
ON BY BLACK PEOPLE
AND WHITE PEOPLE.
529
00:23:20,467 --> 00:23:22,397
WHITE KIDS ARE FUNNY WHEN THEY
PICK ON YOU BECAUSE THEY DO
530
00:23:22,400 --> 00:23:23,670
JUST DO THE SHIT
REAL CORNY LIKE...
531
00:23:23,667 --> 00:23:26,897
♪ HA HA NYAH NYAH NYAH ♪
532
00:23:26,900 --> 00:23:28,630
BLACK PEOPLE, YOU'RE TRICKY
WHEN YOU PICK ON PEOPLE
533
00:23:28,633 --> 00:23:31,433
BECAUSE YOU'LL POSE, LIKE,
A REALLY FUCKED UP QUESTION
534
00:23:31,433 --> 00:23:35,803
AND ACT LIKE IT'S
A REAL QUESTION.
535
00:23:35,800 --> 00:23:37,670
"HEY, RUSSELL, WHEN YOU'RE
COMING OVER, CAN YOU STOP BY
536
00:23:37,667 --> 00:23:46,767
YOUR DAD'S WORK AND GRAB
ME A SLURPEE?"
537
00:23:46,767 --> 00:23:48,497
YOU DO IT SO CASUAL THAT
I GET STUCK.
538
00:23:48,500 --> 00:24:00,330
I'M LIKE, "OH
SUR--WHAT THE FUCK MAN?"
539
00:24:00,333 --> 00:24:02,533
THERE'S ALL THE CONTROVERSY
OVER THE N-WORD NOWADAYS, TOO.
540
00:24:02,533 --> 00:24:04,803
THAT'S THE FUNNY THING
TO ME, YOU KNOW?
541
00:24:04,800 --> 00:24:06,330
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,
BLACK PEOPLE.
542
00:24:06,333 --> 00:24:08,373
WHEN YOU TELL WHITE PEOPLE NOT
TO SAY THE N-WORD, IT MAKES
543
00:24:08,367 --> 00:24:11,867
SENSE TO ME, BUT WHEN WHITE
PEOPLE AGREE THAT QUICKLY--
544
00:24:11,867 --> 00:24:16,167
WHEN YOU SAY, "DON'T SAY THE
N-WORD," THEY GO, "SORRY,"
545
00:24:16,166 --> 00:24:18,066
YOU CAN BE DAMN SURE THEY
GOT SOME OTHER SHIT THAT
546
00:24:18,066 --> 00:24:22,066
THEY'VE BEEN CALLING YOU
THAT THEY DON'T KNOW ABOUT.
547
00:24:22,066 --> 00:24:24,026
WHITE PEOPLE, IF THEY CAME
UP WITH THE N-WORD THE FIRST
548
00:24:24,033 --> 00:24:25,303
TIME, YOU DON'T THINK THEY'RE
SMART ENOUGH TO COME UP
549
00:24:25,300 --> 00:24:27,100
WITH SOME OTHER SHIT RIGHT
NOW THAT THEY COULD USE RIGHT
550
00:24:27,100 --> 00:24:28,370
IN FRONT OF YOU?
551
00:24:28,367 --> 00:24:29,867
THEY'LL BE SITTING AT
THE SAME TABLE AS YOU.
552
00:24:29,867 --> 00:24:31,867
"HEY, JEFF. CAN YOU
PASS ME THE VINEGAR?"
553
00:24:35,066 --> 00:24:37,196
"HA HA HA HA HA!"
554
00:24:39,867 --> 00:24:41,797
"THEY DON'T EVEN
KNOW WE'RE DOING IT."
555
00:24:47,367 --> 00:24:49,767
TELLING YOU, THEY'RE CRAFTY.
556
00:24:49,767 --> 00:24:53,397
I SEE THE WAY YOU'RE
SIZING IT ALL UP, BUDDY.
557
00:24:53,400 --> 00:24:54,870
LIKE THIS, "STOP TALKING.
558
00:24:54,867 --> 00:24:56,627
"STOP TALKING NOW.
559
00:24:56,633 --> 00:25:00,333
LETTING OUT OUR DAMN SECRETS."
560
00:25:00,333 --> 00:25:02,333
I'M GONNA LET YOU IN
ON THIS SHIT.
561
00:25:02,333 --> 00:25:05,133
I WAS IN BOSTON LAST WEEK,
AND I WAS TALKING TO THIS
562
00:25:05,133 --> 00:25:06,503
WHITE DUDE.
563
00:25:06,500 --> 00:25:08,270
NOW THIS IS WHAT I MEAN ABOUT
WHITE PEOPLE GETTING REAL
564
00:25:08,266 --> 00:25:09,826
CLEVER WITH THEIR
FUCKING RACISM.
565
00:25:09,834 --> 00:25:11,304
I WAS TALKING TO
THIS WHITE DUDE.
566
00:25:11,300 --> 00:25:12,630
HE GOES, "SO, UH, YOU'RE LIVING
OUT THERE IN L.A. NOW, RIGHT?"
567
00:25:12,633 --> 00:25:14,503
I GO, "YEAH."
HE GOES, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT THERE?
568
00:25:14,500 --> 00:25:16,300
YOU DOING ANY FUCKING TV
OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT?"
569
00:25:16,300 --> 00:25:18,230
I GO, "ACTUALLY, YEAH,
I'M DOING DEF JAM."
570
00:25:18,233 --> 00:25:19,233
"OH, REALLY?
571
00:25:19,233 --> 00:25:21,073
ISN'T THAT FOR THE MONDAYS?"
572
00:25:21,066 --> 00:25:22,696
I GO, "WHAT?"
573
00:25:22,700 --> 00:25:24,770
"ISN'T THAT THERE FOR
THE FUCKING MONDAYS?"
574
00:25:24,767 --> 00:25:26,997
I GO, "NO. I DON'T KNOW
WHEN THEY AIR IT."
575
00:25:27,000 --> 00:25:28,270
"EH, FUCKING MONDAYS."
576
00:25:28,266 --> 00:25:30,796
LIKE, "WHAT THE FUCK
IS A MONDAY?"
577
00:25:30,800 --> 00:25:34,030
THEY CALL BLACK
PEOPLE MONDAYS.
578
00:25:34,033 --> 00:25:35,433
YOU DIDN'T KNOW THAT SHIT.
579
00:25:38,967 --> 00:25:40,427
AND I'M TRYING TO--I'M
SITTING THERE GOING, "OH,
580
00:25:40,433 --> 00:25:42,173
OK. MONDAYS," AND I'M TRYING
TO FIGURE OUT--YOU EVER TRY
581
00:25:42,166 --> 00:25:44,266
AND FIGURE OUT WHERE THE
FUCKING SLANG COMES FROM,
582
00:25:44,266 --> 00:25:45,696
AND THEN I SAID,
"WHAT THE FUCK?
583
00:25:45,700 --> 00:25:46,930
"WHAT THE FUCK IS A MONDAY?
584
00:25:46,934 --> 00:25:48,334
WHY DO YOU CALL BLACK
PEOPLE MONDAYS?"
585
00:25:48,333 --> 00:25:50,803
AND I SWEAR ON MY FATHER'S
GRAVE, THIS GUY GOES,
586
00:25:50,800 --> 00:25:52,730
"BECAUSE NOBODY LIKES MONDAYS."
587
00:25:52,734 --> 00:25:54,004
- OHH!
588
00:25:54,000 --> 00:25:55,370
- THAT'S WHAT I'M
TALKING ABOUT!
589
00:25:55,367 --> 00:25:56,927
YOU NEED TO BE HIP
TO THIS SHIT!
590
00:26:03,567 --> 00:26:05,327
THAT IS GONNA FUCK
WITH YOU AT WORK
591
00:26:05,333 --> 00:26:06,703
THE FIRST DAY OF THE WEEK.
592
00:26:10,900 --> 00:26:13,270
"GOOD MORNING, DeVON.
593
00:26:13,266 --> 00:26:15,726
NOTHING LIKE A
FUCKING MONDAY, HUH?"
594
00:26:15,734 --> 00:26:16,904
"MOTHERFUCKER."
595
00:26:21,967 --> 00:26:25,567
THERE'S ALL THAT CONTROVERSY,
MAN, AND IT'S AL--YOU KNOW
596
00:26:25,567 --> 00:26:27,567
WHAT THE FUNNY THING TO ME
ABOUT THE N-WORD IS IS THAT
597
00:26:27,567 --> 00:26:29,497
WHITE PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO
STOP BLACK PEOPLE FROM
598
00:26:29,500 --> 00:26:30,830
USING THE N-WORD.
599
00:26:30,834 --> 00:26:32,934
NOW AS A GUY WHO GREW UP WITH
BLACK PEOPLE, I KNOW THAT
600
00:26:32,934 --> 00:26:35,704
THE N-WORD DOES NOT--IS
NOT SPECIFIC TO PEOPLE.
601
00:26:35,700 --> 00:26:38,400
IT'S A FUCKING NOUN.
602
00:26:38,400 --> 00:26:42,230
IT IS USED FOR
EVERYTHING ELSE BUT PEOPLE.
603
00:26:42,233 --> 00:26:43,833
IT'S NOT SPECIFIC
TO BLACK PEOPLE.
604
00:26:43,834 --> 00:26:45,274
I SEE MY FRIENDS.
THEY'LL BE LIKE, "YO, RUSSELL.
605
00:26:45,266 --> 00:26:46,766
I SEEN YOU WITH SOME CHINESE
NIGGERS LAST NIGHT."
606
00:26:56,033 --> 00:26:58,533
"YOU SEEN ME WITH
SOME CHINESE WHAT?"
607
00:26:58,533 --> 00:26:59,833
IT'S NOT SPECIFIC TO PEOPLE.
608
00:26:59,834 --> 00:27:02,034
MY HOMEBOY CALLED ME,
WAS LIKE, "YO. YOU GOT TO PUT
609
00:27:02,033 --> 00:27:03,633
"ON DISCOVERY
CHANNEL, SON.
610
00:27:03,633 --> 00:27:05,003
"THEY GOT THIS SHIT
ON KILLER WHALES.
611
00:27:05,000 --> 00:27:10,170
YO. THOSE NIGGERS ARE CRAZY!"
612
00:27:10,166 --> 00:27:11,526
IF I'M LYING, I'M DYING.
613
00:27:11,533 --> 00:27:13,333
YOU TELL ME THIS.
614
00:27:13,333 --> 00:27:17,373
SOMETIMES, THE WORD NIGGER CAN
REPLACE AN ENTIRE SENTENCE.
615
00:27:17,367 --> 00:27:19,097
AM I LYING?
I CALL MY BOY. I WAS LIKE,
616
00:27:19,100 --> 00:27:20,930
"YO. YOU WENT OUT
WITH THAT GIRL LAST NIGHT?"
617
00:27:20,934 --> 00:27:23,634
"NIGGER."
618
00:27:23,633 --> 00:27:25,103
THANK YOU VERY MUCH,
"DEF JAM."
619
00:27:25,100 --> 00:27:26,230
YOU GUYS ARE GREAT.
620
00:27:26,233 --> 00:27:28,233
[HIP-HOP PLAYING]
621
00:27:37,000 --> 00:27:40,370
- ONE MORE TIME FOR MY CAT
RUSSELL PETERS.
622
00:27:40,367 --> 00:27:42,597
DID Y'ALL HAVE A GOOD TIME?
623
00:27:42,600 --> 00:27:43,770
DID Y'ALL HAVE A GOOD TIME?
624
00:27:43,767 --> 00:27:45,597
WELL, STAND UP AND LET
THEM KNOW IT, Y'ALL.
625
00:27:45,600 --> 00:27:47,670
AND NOW GIVE IT UP FOR THE MAN
THAT MADE THIS ALL POSSIBLE--
626
00:27:47,667 --> 00:27:49,167
MR. RUSSELL SIMMONS!
627
00:27:49,166 --> 00:27:51,266
[HIP-HOP PLAYING]
628
00:27:53,100 --> 00:27:54,500
- THANK YOU FOR COMING OUT.
629
00:27:54,500 --> 00:27:55,770
GOD BLESS YOU. GOOD NIGHT.
630
00:27:59,600 --> 00:28:01,600
[HIP-HOP PLAYING]
631
00:28:01,600 --> 00:28:04,600
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
HOME BOX OFFICE, INC.
632
00:28:04,600 --> 00:28:07,600
CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL
CAPTIONING INSTITUTE --www.ncicap.org--
633
00:28:07,650 --> 00:28:12,200
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