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1
00:00:12,800 --> 00:00:16,270
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
HOME BOX OFFICE, INC.
2
00:00:18,533 --> 00:00:21,703
- LOOK AT THE LADIES--
HI, GIRLFRIEND!
3
00:00:21,700 --> 00:00:24,870
HOW YOU DOIN'?
4
00:00:24,867 --> 00:00:28,227
NOW, THE BOOTS.
5
00:00:28,233 --> 00:00:32,073
CAN WE GET A SHOT OF THESE?
6
00:00:32,066 --> 00:00:35,096
WHAT THE FUCK WERE
YOU THINKING ABOUT?
7
00:00:38,667 --> 00:00:41,567
NO, SEE, I GOT TO BE REAL,
YOU KNOW?
8
00:00:41,567 --> 00:00:43,827
THAT SHIT DON'T MATCH.
9
00:00:46,633 --> 00:00:48,973
BLUE JEANS, MY ASS.
10
00:00:51,100 --> 00:00:52,770
NO, I'M JUST PLAYING.
11
00:00:52,767 --> 00:00:55,767
NO, YOU JUST LOOK LIKE,
"AH, THIS'LL GO WITH THE BLUE JEANS."
12
00:00:55,767 --> 00:00:56,797
NO.
13
00:00:59,333 --> 00:01:01,333
I'M JUST PLAYING.
I'M JUST PLAYING.
14
00:01:01,333 --> 00:01:03,173
[LAUGHS]
15
00:01:03,166 --> 00:01:04,666
SHE EMBARRASSED NOW.
16
00:01:04,667 --> 00:01:06,267
YOU IN SHOW BUSINESS?
17
00:01:06,266 --> 00:01:07,866
GET YOUR FEET OFF
MY GODDAMN STAGE.
18
00:01:08,934 --> 00:01:10,974
[LAUGHS]
AW, JUST...
19
00:01:12,567 --> 00:01:14,467
NOW, I WANT THAT BOOT.
EVERY TIME I COME ONSTAGE,
20
00:01:14,467 --> 00:01:16,727
I WANT THAT MOTHERFUCKER
LAID OUT LIKE THIS
21
00:01:16,734 --> 00:01:18,674
TO REMIND ME
OF WHAT NOT TO DO.
22
00:01:20,800 --> 00:01:24,030
HI, WHITE PEOPLE
IN THE BACK, HI!
23
00:01:26,433 --> 00:01:30,233
DIDN'T SEE YOU GUYS!
24
00:01:30,233 --> 00:01:40,573
YOU KNOW YOU MOTHERFUCKERS
DON'T MATCH.
25
00:01:40,567 --> 00:01:47,797
YOU KNOW YOU MOTHERFUCKERS
DON'T MATCH.
26
00:01:47,800 --> 00:01:50,500
I KNOW THEY LOOKING AT THEIR TV
LIKE, "OH, FUCK!
27
00:01:50,500 --> 00:01:52,270
"WHO IS THE NIGGER, HUH?
28
00:01:52,266 --> 00:01:55,566
"WHY CAN'T WE GET 'EM BANNED?
29
00:01:55,567 --> 00:01:57,867
"FUCKIN' HBO.
30
00:01:57,867 --> 00:02:00,627
"LETTIN' ANYBODY ON.
31
00:02:00,633 --> 00:02:01,803
"FUCK!
32
00:02:02,800 --> 00:02:04,600
"FUCK...
33
00:02:04,600 --> 00:02:08,570
THIS FREEDOM OF SPEECH
SHIT."
34
00:02:08,567 --> 00:02:10,427
- "DEF COMEDY JAM!"
35
00:02:10,433 --> 00:02:12,833
- IT'S THE "RUSSELL SIMMONS'
DEF COMEDY JAM"
36
00:02:12,834 --> 00:02:17,704
WITH YOUR HOST
D.L. HUGHLEY.
37
00:02:17,700 --> 00:02:19,930
TONIGHT'S GUESTS...
38
00:02:19,934 --> 00:02:21,574
GILSON LUBIN,
39
00:02:21,567 --> 00:02:24,097
VANESSA FRACTION,
40
00:02:24,100 --> 00:02:26,930
AND PATRICE O'NEAL.
41
00:02:26,934 --> 00:02:31,534
I AM YOUR MAN, THE WORLD'S
GREATEST DEEJAY THE KID CAPRI!
42
00:02:31,533 --> 00:02:34,433
AND THIS IS COMEDY
AT ITS BEST.
43
00:02:34,433 --> 00:02:38,503
LET'S GET IT ON
WITH YOUR HOST D.L. HUGHLEY!
44
00:02:38,500 --> 00:02:40,970
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
45
00:02:42,500 --> 00:02:44,900
- HEY, NOW. HOW YA'LL DOIN'?
46
00:02:50,367 --> 00:02:53,227
ONE MORE TIME, GIVE IT TO
MY MAN KID CAPRI.
47
00:02:57,033 --> 00:02:58,573
THIS IS L.A.
THIS IS MY CITY.
48
00:02:58,567 --> 00:03:01,097
I LOVE THIS MOTHERFUCKER HERE.
I'M FROM HERE.
49
00:03:01,100 --> 00:03:02,670
ALL THE BULLSHIT.
50
00:03:02,667 --> 00:03:05,167
'COURSE, WE GOT THE RAGGEDYEST
DOWNTOWN IN THE FUCKIN' WORLD.
51
00:03:05,166 --> 00:03:06,826
THIS...
52
00:03:06,834 --> 00:03:09,874
I GUESS IT'S BETTER
THAN TIJUANA, BUT THAT'S IT.
53
00:03:09,867 --> 00:03:11,127
SHIT!
54
00:03:11,133 --> 00:03:13,433
- [LAUGHTER]
55
00:03:13,433 --> 00:03:15,033
- [LAUGHS]
56
00:03:15,033 --> 00:03:17,473
LOT OF PRETTY WOMEN.
WOMEN, Y'ALL DON'T FUCKING CHANGE, MAN.
57
00:03:17,467 --> 00:03:19,367
YOU EVER NOTICE, THE MORE
PRETTY A WOMAN IS,
58
00:03:19,367 --> 00:03:20,827
THE MORE BULLSHIT
YOU'LL PUT UP WITH.
59
00:03:20,834 --> 00:03:22,234
PRETTY WOMEN GET AWAY
WITH FUCKIN' MURDER.
60
00:03:22,233 --> 00:03:24,573
A PRETTY WOMAN COULD START
CRYING HERE RIGHT NOW,
61
00:03:24,567 --> 00:03:26,027
EVERY MAN, "GIRL, YOU ALL RIGHT?
OOH, I HATE TO SEE
62
00:03:26,033 --> 00:03:27,703
A PRETTY THING LIKE YOU
CRYING."
63
00:03:27,700 --> 00:03:29,630
UGLY WOMEN CATCH HELL
WHEN THEY CRY,
64
00:03:29,633 --> 00:03:31,873
'CAUSE DON'T NOBODY GIVE A FUCK.
65
00:03:31,867 --> 00:03:34,167
"EHHH..."
66
00:03:34,166 --> 00:03:37,896
"HEY, GIRL.
GET AWAY FROM MY CAR.
67
00:03:37,900 --> 00:03:43,800
DON'T MAKE ME THROW NO ROCK AT
YOU, GET AWAY FROM MY GODDAMN CAR. I'M NOT PLAYIN'."
68
00:03:43,800 --> 00:03:46,670
WOMEN DO CRAZY SHIT, ALWAYS
DOIN' SHIT YOU CAN'T EXPLAIN,
69
00:03:46,667 --> 00:03:48,397
LIKE PUTTING TOWELS
IN THE BATHROOM
70
00:03:48,400 --> 00:03:50,070
AIN'T NOBODY SUPPOSED
TO FUCKIN' USE.
71
00:03:50,066 --> 00:03:52,466
WHAT TYPE OF SHIT IS THAT?
THAT--"DON'T USE THOSE TOWELS."
72
00:03:52,467 --> 00:03:54,527
"WHAT THEY IN THE BATHROOM FOR?"
"THEY'RE NOT FOR YOU!"
73
00:03:54,533 --> 00:03:56,733
EVERY TIME I GET OUT THE SHOWER,
I RUB MY DICK
74
00:03:56,734 --> 00:03:58,434
ACROSS THEM GODDAMN TOWELS,
FUCK THESE TOWELS!
75
00:03:58,433 --> 00:04:01,203
DON'T GIVE A SHIT
ABOUT THESE GODDAMN TOWELS!
76
00:04:01,200 --> 00:04:04,400
YOU KNOW WHY MEN ARE LAUGHING?
'CAUSE WE ALL DO IT, THAT'S WHY.
77
00:04:04,400 --> 00:04:07,830
Y'ALL COME IN THE BATHROOM.
"THESE TOWELS SMELL FUNNY TO YOU?"
78
00:04:07,834 --> 00:04:10,874
"NOT TO ME."
79
00:04:10,867 --> 00:04:12,567
WOMEN DO ALL KINDS OF...
80
00:04:12,567 --> 00:04:14,797
"HOW COME YOU DON'T LIKE
TO TALK TO ME AFTER WE FINISH MAKING LOVE?"
81
00:04:14,800 --> 00:04:17,800
"'CAUSE SOMETHING IN PUSSY
MAKE YOU SLEEPIER THAN A MOTHERFUCKER, THAT'S WHY."
82
00:04:17,800 --> 00:04:19,800
YOU GET SOME PUSSY,
YOU CAN'T STAY AWAKE.
83
00:04:19,800 --> 00:04:23,470
"WHAT DOES SHE PUT IN HERE?
84
00:04:23,467 --> 00:04:27,567
DID SHE SIT ON MY NYQUIL
OR SOMETHING? SHIT!"
85
00:04:27,567 --> 00:04:30,227
YOU GET SOME PUSSY
AND EAT A TURKEY SANDWICH,
86
00:04:30,233 --> 00:04:31,903
YOU IN A COMA. SHIT!
87
00:04:34,433 --> 00:04:38,573
"I GOT TO LAY DOWN."
88
00:04:38,567 --> 00:04:40,627
ALWAYS DOING SOME BULLSHIT, MAN.
89
00:04:40,633 --> 00:04:43,633
IT'S...THEY HATE WHEN WE LEAVE
THAT TOILET SEAT UP, DON'T THEY?
90
00:04:43,633 --> 00:04:45,003
THEY HATE THAT SHIT.
91
00:04:45,000 --> 00:04:46,800
I DON'T EVEN REALIZE WHY.
BUT DO YOU REALIZE
92
00:04:46,800 --> 00:04:49,030
THEY FALL THEIR WHOLE ASS
IN THE BOTTOM OF THAT BOWL?
93
00:04:49,033 --> 00:04:51,703
FEET DANGLING OVER THE EDGE
94
00:04:51,700 --> 00:04:53,170
AT 2:00 IN THE MORNING,
AND ALL YOU HEAR IS:
95
00:04:53,166 --> 00:04:54,466
"GODDAMN IT!
96
00:04:54,467 --> 00:05:00,267
YOU DIDN'T EVEN FLUSH,
YOU NASTY SON OF A BITCH!"
97
00:05:00,266 --> 00:05:03,026
I DO THAT SHIT ON PURPOSE.
IT MAKE ME LAUGH. FUCK Y'ALL.
98
00:05:03,033 --> 00:05:05,903
THEY COME IN THE BEDROOM
WITH THEIR NIGHTGOWN ALL WET.
99
00:05:05,900 --> 00:05:10,170
"THIS IS SOME BULLSHIT!"
100
00:05:10,166 --> 00:05:11,966
WOMEN DON'T REALIZE HOW HARD
IT IS TO REMEMBER TO PUT
101
00:05:11,967 --> 00:05:14,097
THAT FUCKIN' TOILET SEAT
DOWN WHEN YOU'RE A MAN.
102
00:05:14,100 --> 00:05:15,970
3 A.M., YOU EVER STAGGER
TO THE BATHROOM
103
00:05:15,967 --> 00:05:17,467
WITH THAT HARD DICK
THAT WON'T BEND?
104
00:05:17,467 --> 00:05:19,227
YOU'RE JUST...
105
00:05:23,200 --> 00:05:24,530
ALL OF A SUDDEN, THE SHIT'S
SPLIT 3 DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS.
106
00:05:24,533 --> 00:05:26,333
"OH, SHIT!
107
00:05:26,333 --> 00:05:30,673
THANK GOD WE GOT
THESE TOWELS RIGHT HERE."
108
00:05:30,667 --> 00:05:32,767
Y'ALL READY TO KEEP
THIS THING GOING?
109
00:05:35,867 --> 00:05:38,597
ALL THE WAY FROM CANADA,
BY WAY OF THE CARIBBEAN,
110
00:05:38,600 --> 00:05:40,130
GIVE IT UP TO MY MAN
GILSON LUBIN.
111
00:05:40,133 --> 00:05:42,273
DO SOMETHING FOR HIM, Y'ALL!
112
00:05:50,033 --> 00:05:51,233
- WASSUP?
113
00:05:51,233 --> 00:05:54,633
HOW Y'ALL DOIN', L.A?
114
00:05:54,633 --> 00:05:55,833
GOD DAMN!
115
00:05:55,834 --> 00:05:58,504
- YAY, YAY!
- YAY, YAY!
116
00:05:58,500 --> 00:06:01,870
FUCK, YOU'RE LOOKING AT
THE BLACK POPULATION FROM CANADA RIGHT NOW,
117
00:06:01,867 --> 00:06:04,867
SO SAY THANKS.
118
00:06:04,867 --> 00:06:07,597
FUCK. NICE TO BE HERE, MAN.
I'M FROM CANADA.
119
00:06:07,600 --> 00:06:09,600
ORIGINALLY FROM
THE CARIBBEAN ISLANDS.
120
00:06:09,600 --> 00:06:10,700
[CHEERING]
121
00:06:10,700 --> 00:06:12,000
YEAH.
122
00:06:12,000 --> 00:06:15,200
MAN, Y'ALL GIVE IT UP OUT HERE,
MAN. I LOVE L.A.
123
00:06:15,200 --> 00:06:17,230
I LOVE L.A. BECAUSE OF
THE WEATHER.
124
00:06:17,233 --> 00:06:19,603
THIS IS THE PERFECT WEATHER.
I'M FROM THE ISLANDS.
125
00:06:19,600 --> 00:06:22,970
IT'S SO HOT, YOU CAN'T EVEN
HAVE LONG-TERM GOALS IN A PLACE THAT HOT.
126
00:06:25,834 --> 00:06:28,134
I HEAR PEOPLE TALKING
ABOUT BUILDING A HOUSE
127
00:06:28,133 --> 00:06:29,773
OR STARTING A FAMILY
IN A COUPLE OF YEARS.
128
00:06:29,767 --> 00:06:31,327
YOU ASK ANYBODY IN THE ISLANDS,
129
00:06:31,333 --> 00:06:33,203
"WHAT DO YOU SEE
IN YOUR FUTURE?"
130
00:06:33,200 --> 00:06:38,970
THE JUST LOOK AT YOU LIKE,
"MAN, I JUST WANT A MANGO FROM THAT TREE RIGHT THERE.
131
00:06:38,967 --> 00:06:40,697
TOO FUCKIN' HOT
FOR THAT SHIT."
132
00:06:42,500 --> 00:06:44,400
BUT I FEEL BAD, MAN.
133
00:06:44,400 --> 00:06:46,800
I ALWAYS FEEL BAD
FOR OUR GENERATION, MAN.
134
00:06:46,800 --> 00:06:48,570
I FEEL BAD FOR KIDS.
WHEN I WAS A KID,
135
00:06:48,567 --> 00:06:50,767
I WAS SLOW, BUT THAT SHIT
WORKED FOR ME.
136
00:06:52,967 --> 00:06:58,267
WHEN I WAS A KID, I THOUGHT
A RACIST WAS JUST A VERY FAST PERSON. THAT WAS AWESOME.
137
00:06:59,667 --> 00:07:02,797
YOU TOLD ME YOU A RACIST,
I'M LIKE, "HEY, GOOD LUCK!
138
00:07:02,800 --> 00:07:05,070
THAT MOTHERFUCKER'S FAST!"
139
00:07:05,066 --> 00:07:07,726
[LAUGHS]
140
00:07:07,734 --> 00:07:10,734
I THOUGHT BIGOTRY WAS
THE OAK IN FRONT OF MY NEIGHBOR'S HOUSE.
141
00:07:15,266 --> 00:07:17,296
THEY HAD A BIGGER TREE
THAN WE DID.
142
00:07:17,300 --> 00:07:19,470
I WAS LIKE, "FUCK IT."
143
00:07:19,467 --> 00:07:23,227
FROM NOW ON, THAT'S BIGOTRY
RIGHT HERE.
144
00:07:23,233 --> 00:07:25,073
IT WASN'T TILL, LIKE,
THE TENTH GRADE
145
00:07:25,066 --> 00:07:26,726
I REMEMBER ASKING MY BROTHER,
146
00:07:26,734 --> 00:07:28,904
"HOW COME THAT ONE GUY'S
SO ANGRY?"
147
00:07:28,900 --> 00:07:30,370
AND HE EXPLAINED TO ME,
HE WAS LIKE, "HEY, GIL.
148
00:07:30,367 --> 00:07:31,897
HE'S A RACIST."
149
00:07:31,900 --> 00:07:35,230
AND I WAS LIKE, "NO. HE'S NOT
THAT FAST. I'VE SEEN HIM."
150
00:07:37,533 --> 00:07:38,803
YOU COULDN'T WIN AN ARGUMENT
WITH HIM. YOU'RE LIKE,
151
00:07:38,800 --> 00:07:40,670
"HEY, DON'T YOU OWE ME
SOME MONEY?"
152
00:07:40,667 --> 00:07:44,897
AND HE'S LIKE,
"GO BACK TO AFRICA!"
153
00:07:44,900 --> 00:07:47,800
"WHAT'S THAT GOT TO DO
WITH MY FUCKIN' MONEY?"
154
00:07:49,400 --> 00:07:52,000
AND HE MAKE IT SOUND LIKE
IT'S JUST THAT EASY.
155
00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:59,700
I CAN'T JUST SHOW UP IN AFRICA
LIKE, "HEY.
156
00:07:59,700 --> 00:08:02,530
"I'M HOME.
157
00:08:02,533 --> 00:08:06,033
WHERE DO I SLEEP?
WHAT'S HAPPENING, BROTHER?"
158
00:08:06,033 --> 00:08:09,033
THEY'D BE LIKE, "SLEEP ANYWHERE
YOU WANT. WE DON'T GIVE A FUCK,
159
00:08:09,033 --> 00:08:10,803
"PREFERABLY UNDER
THE BIGGER TREE.
160
00:08:10,800 --> 00:08:14,530
THE OTHER ONE GO AROUND THE
CORNER. THERE'S A NICE BREEZE."
161
00:08:15,700 --> 00:08:18,100
AND I HAD THIS COMEDIAN
COME UP TO ME IN CANADA,
162
00:08:18,100 --> 00:08:19,830
I'M TRYING TO TALK TO HIM,
HE'S LIKE, "YO, MAN,
163
00:08:19,834 --> 00:08:22,004
"Y'ALL SAY THE WORD NIGGA
ONSTAGE EVERY TIME.
164
00:08:22,000 --> 00:08:24,330
WHY CAN'T I USE IT?"
165
00:08:24,333 --> 00:08:25,973
I WAS LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW.
IT'S CONFUSING,
166
00:08:25,967 --> 00:08:29,197
BECAUSE AFTER THIS SHOW,
I MIGHT STAB YOU."
167
00:08:38,133 --> 00:08:39,633
THAT'S TRUE, MAN.
168
00:08:39,633 --> 00:08:41,003
LIKE, YOUNG BLACK MEN,
WE'RE ANGRY.
169
00:08:41,000 --> 00:08:43,470
WE DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY.
170
00:08:43,467 --> 00:08:46,997
WE JUST HEARD SHIT HAPPENED
AND DON'T TRUST WHITE PEOPLE.
171
00:08:47,000 --> 00:08:48,700
THAT SHIT'S LIKE TOURETTE'S.
172
00:08:48,700 --> 00:08:52,200
SOME MORNINGS I WAKE UP
LIKE, "FUCK WHITE PEOPLE!
173
00:08:52,200 --> 00:08:54,800
"I NEED SOME CEREAL.
THAT'S WHAT THE FUCK I WANT.
174
00:08:54,800 --> 00:08:56,930
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK
I'M TALKING ABOUT."
175
00:08:58,934 --> 00:09:00,334
THAT'S MY REAL NAME, TOO.
GILSON LUBIN.
176
00:09:00,333 --> 00:09:02,903
WHAT THE FUCK?
177
00:09:02,900 --> 00:09:05,500
LIFE'S HARD ENOUGH.
178
00:09:05,500 --> 00:09:07,270
THAT SHIT SOUNDS LIKE
A HORSE'S NAME.
179
00:09:07,266 --> 00:09:10,596
"COMING IN LAST IS GILSON LUBIN.
LOOK AT HIM GO."
180
00:09:13,000 --> 00:09:15,800
THAT'S HOW YOU CAN TELL
WHICH HORSE IS GONNA LOSE THE RACE, BY THEIR NAMES.
181
00:09:15,800 --> 00:09:18,630
IT'S ALWAYS LIKE,
"COMIN' IN FIRST IS POWERHOUSE,
182
00:09:18,633 --> 00:09:20,903
"FOLLOWED BY SILVER BULLET.
183
00:09:20,900 --> 00:09:25,170
"IN THE LAST GROUP
WE HAVE SHAKY LEGS...
184
00:09:25,166 --> 00:09:30,626
FOLLOWED BY I-THOUGHT-THE-RACE-
WAS-TOMORROW.
185
00:09:30,633 --> 00:09:33,873
"AND THERE'S GILSON LUBIN
JUST RUNNING.
186
00:09:33,867 --> 00:09:36,597
NO HORSE, NOTHING."
187
00:09:36,600 --> 00:09:38,570
I LIKE TALKING ABOUT RACE, MAN.
188
00:09:38,567 --> 00:09:40,827
I DON'T CARE WHAT ANYBODY SAYS.
I LIKE TALKING ABOUT RACE.
189
00:09:40,834 --> 00:09:42,374
SOME PEOPLE DON'T LIKE IT.
SOME GUY CAME UP TO ME
190
00:09:42,367 --> 00:09:44,727
UP IN CANADA AND HE'S LIKE, "YOU
SHOULDN'T TALK ABOUT RACISM."
191
00:09:44,734 --> 00:09:45,934
AND I SAID, "WHY NOT?"
192
00:09:45,934 --> 00:09:48,234
AND HE SAID, "BECAUSE WE LIVE
IN A DAY AND AGE
193
00:09:48,233 --> 00:09:50,973
WHERE IT DOESN'T EVEN
EXIST ANYMORE."
194
00:09:50,967 --> 00:09:54,797
SO I WAS LIKE,
"WELL, I FUCKIN' HATE YOU.
195
00:09:58,633 --> 00:10:01,073
I DON'T CARE WHAT ANYBODY SAYS.
RACISM'S NOT OVER
196
00:10:01,066 --> 00:10:03,096
TILL THEY CHANGE THE TASTE
OF BLACK LICORICE.
197
00:10:03,100 --> 00:10:05,830
I DON'T GIVE A FUCK.
198
00:10:05,834 --> 00:10:08,274
[CHEERING]
199
00:10:10,500 --> 00:10:11,930
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
200
00:10:11,934 --> 00:10:13,904
WHAT FUCKIN' INGREDIENTS
ARE THEY USING TO MAKE
201
00:10:13,900 --> 00:10:16,300
THE BLACK CANDIES?
202
00:10:16,300 --> 00:10:20,170
WHAT THE FUCK TASTES SO BAD?
203
00:10:20,166 --> 00:10:22,526
EVERY OTHER COLOR MAKES
LOGICAL SENSE.
204
00:10:22,533 --> 00:10:24,473
YOU BITE INTO THE RED ONES,
YOU'RE, "MMM.
205
00:10:24,467 --> 00:10:26,627
"THIS SHIT TASTES
LIKE STRAWBERRIES.
206
00:10:26,633 --> 00:10:30,473
BECAUSE IT'S RED.
DID I GET IT?"
207
00:10:30,467 --> 00:10:35,667
HIGH FIVE.
EVERYONE'S FUCKIN' HAPPY.
208
00:10:35,667 --> 00:10:38,167
THE ORANGE ONES ARE CITRUSY.
YOU'RE AMAZED.
209
00:10:38,166 --> 00:10:39,926
YOU'RE LIKE, "HOW DID
THEY FUCKIN' DO THAT?
210
00:10:39,934 --> 00:10:43,834
IT TASTES JUST LIKE
A REAL ORANGE."
211
00:10:49,233 --> 00:10:52,233
SO YOU GO TO BITE INTO
THE BLACK ONES...
212
00:10:52,233 --> 00:10:55,133
[LAUGHS]
213
00:10:55,133 --> 00:10:57,303
YOU'RE THINKING LOGICALLY
214
00:10:57,300 --> 00:11:00,430
IT'S GONNA TASTE
LIKE BLACKBERRIES.
215
00:11:03,166 --> 00:11:05,366
NOT A FUCKIN' CHANCE.
216
00:11:05,367 --> 00:11:08,927
THAT SHIT IS THE ONLY CANDY
217
00:11:08,934 --> 00:11:10,974
THAT MAKES YOU WANT TO FIGHT.
218
00:11:10,967 --> 00:11:14,527
YOU'RE LIKE, "WHAT FUCKIN'
INGREDIENTS ARE THEY USING
219
00:11:14,533 --> 00:11:16,833
"TO MAKE THIS SHIT?
220
00:11:16,834 --> 00:11:18,974
"WHAT THE FUCK TASTES SO BAD?
221
00:11:18,967 --> 00:11:21,267
"WHAT IS THIS--
SUGAR AND HATE?
222
00:11:21,266 --> 00:11:24,326
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?"
223
00:11:24,333 --> 00:11:27,073
THAT SHIT TASTES LIKE MOLASSES
AND STRUGGLE.
224
00:11:27,066 --> 00:11:29,166
I'M NOT MAKING THIS UP.
225
00:11:29,166 --> 00:11:31,866
Y'ALL, THAT SHIT IS TRUE.
226
00:11:31,867 --> 00:11:33,327
YOU COULD PUT A JAR OF
CANDIES RIGHT HERE.
227
00:11:33,333 --> 00:11:35,203
ALL THE COLORS OF THE WORLD,
YOU HAVE A COUPLE,
228
00:11:35,200 --> 00:11:38,930
YOU COME BACK HALF AN HOUR
LATER, THAT SHIT NEVER FAILS.
229
00:11:38,934 --> 00:11:42,304
JUST THE BLACK ONES
LEFT STARING AT YOU.
230
00:11:42,300 --> 00:11:44,200
AND THEY JUST LOOKING AT YOU
LIKE, "WE CANDIES,
231
00:11:44,200 --> 00:11:47,500
NOT JOB APPLICANTS.
GIVE US A SHOT."
232
00:11:47,500 --> 00:11:49,230
HEY, I WANT TO THANK Y'ALL,
DEF COMEDY JAM.
233
00:11:49,233 --> 00:11:51,473
BE GOOD. BE FAST.
234
00:11:59,100 --> 00:12:01,200
- THAT WAS SOME FUNNY SHIT.
235
00:12:01,200 --> 00:12:04,300
HE RIGHT, MAN. RACISM EXISTS.
LIKE EVERYBODY...
236
00:12:04,300 --> 00:12:06,200
YOU EVER NOTICE,
EVERYBODY WANT TO BE BLACK
237
00:12:06,200 --> 00:12:09,300
TILL THE POLICE ROLL UP,
THEN NOBODY WANT TO BE BLACK?
238
00:12:09,300 --> 00:12:11,500
EVEN BLACK PEOPLE.
"SHIT. I'M CREOLE.
239
00:12:11,500 --> 00:12:14,500
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK
THEM NIGGAS IS."
240
00:12:14,500 --> 00:12:17,100
WHITE FOLK LAY IN THE SUN
TO GET TANS, WHICH IS DUMB,
241
00:12:17,100 --> 00:12:19,530
BECAUSE TANS NEVER DONE US
A BIT OF GOOD.
242
00:12:19,533 --> 00:12:20,833
FUCK AROUND,
LAY UP THERE, GET DARK.
243
00:12:20,834 --> 00:12:23,274
TO ME, YOU'D BE LAID OFF MONDAY.
244
00:12:24,567 --> 00:12:28,227
"CAN WE SEE YOU
IN THE OFFICE FOR MINUTE?
245
00:12:28,233 --> 00:12:30,073
YOU'RE SCARING
THE CUSTOMERS."
246
00:12:32,533 --> 00:12:34,073
HE FROM THE CARIBBEAN.
I LIKE THE CARIBBEAN, MAN.
247
00:12:34,066 --> 00:12:36,596
I DO, MAN. I DON'T LIKE
CRUISING THERE,
248
00:12:36,600 --> 00:12:38,170
'CAUSE ALL THEM FUCKING
ISLANDS LOOK ALIKE.
249
00:12:38,166 --> 00:12:40,566
I DON'T EVEN THINK
THAT BOAT WENT NO GODDAMN WHERE.
250
00:12:40,567 --> 00:12:44,327
JUST...WAIT FOR EVERYBODY
TO FALL ASLEEP AND PULL BACK IN.
251
00:12:44,333 --> 00:12:46,573
"IS THIS...?
252
00:12:46,567 --> 00:12:50,967
"IS THIS JAMAICA?"
"YEAH, MAN. YEAH, YEAH."
253
00:12:50,967 --> 00:12:53,297
"YOU MOTHERFUCKERS GOT
A FIGUEROA IN JAMAICA?"
254
00:12:53,300 --> 00:12:55,730
[LAUGHS]
255
00:12:55,734 --> 00:12:58,374
"I DIDN'T KNOW THEY HAD
A NIX CHECK CASHING IN JAMAICA."
256
00:12:58,367 --> 00:13:00,467
[LAUGHS]
257
00:13:00,467 --> 00:13:03,227
ALL RIGHT. THE SUM TOTAL
OF HER PARTS EQUALS
258
00:13:03,233 --> 00:13:05,573
ONE FUNNY-ASS LADY.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
259
00:13:05,567 --> 00:13:07,497
PLEASE PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER
LOUD AND STRONG
260
00:13:07,500 --> 00:13:09,170
FOR VANESSA FRACTION!
261
00:13:09,166 --> 00:13:10,666
- BREAK IT DOWN!
262
00:13:18,834 --> 00:13:22,304
- HEY, WHAT IT IS, PARTY PEOPLE.
MAKE SOME NOISE REAL QUICK.
263
00:13:22,300 --> 00:13:25,170
YAY!
264
00:13:25,166 --> 00:13:26,266
LOOK, I WANT TO JUST SAY
SOMETHING REAL QUICK.
265
00:13:26,266 --> 00:13:27,926
I BELIEVE IT'S
A MISUNDERSTANDING
266
00:13:27,934 --> 00:13:29,104
BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN.
267
00:13:29,100 --> 00:13:31,400
I FEEL LIKE WE CAN GET ALONG
A HELL OF A LOT BETTER
268
00:13:31,400 --> 00:13:33,800
THAN WHAT WE DOING. WE JUST
DON'T UNDERSTAND SOME SHIT
269
00:13:33,800 --> 00:13:35,130
ABOUT EACH OTHER.
270
00:13:35,133 --> 00:13:37,203
LIKE MEN, I BELIEVE
Y'ALL TRY TOO HARD.
271
00:13:37,200 --> 00:13:40,500
Y'ALL THINK THAT WOMEN WANT
THE WORLD--DIAMONDS AND PEARLS.
272
00:13:40,500 --> 00:13:42,370
AND SHIT, WE DO.
273
00:13:42,367 --> 00:13:44,797
BUT AT THE SAME TIME,
WE VERY REALISTIC.
274
00:13:44,800 --> 00:13:47,100
WE UNDERSTAND, BABY.
YOU NOT GOING TO HAVE THE WORLD.
275
00:13:47,100 --> 00:13:49,370
YOU KNOW WHY?
'CAUSE WE AIN'T GOT THE WORLD.
276
00:13:49,367 --> 00:13:51,227
WE DON'T EXPECT YOU
TO HAVE THAT.
277
00:13:51,233 --> 00:13:53,673
ALL WE REALLY WANT YOU
TO HAVE IS AN "AT LEAST."
278
00:13:53,667 --> 00:13:57,797
YOU AIN'T GOT TO HAVE
EVERYTHING, WE JUST WANT YOU TO HAVE AN AT LEAST.
279
00:13:57,800 --> 00:14:00,130
I KNOW A LOT OF MEN--
280
00:14:00,133 --> 00:14:03,503
DON'T WORRY, LADIES.
THEY AIN'T CAUGHT ON YET.
281
00:14:03,500 --> 00:14:06,100
THE MEN LOOKING LIKE, "WHAT THE
FUCK IS AN AT LEAST?"
282
00:14:06,100 --> 00:14:08,530
LET ME HELP YOU OUT.
LADIES, HAVE YOU EVER
283
00:14:08,533 --> 00:14:11,433
MET SOMEBODY, WHERE YOU BE LIKE,
"OOH! THIS NIGGA
284
00:14:11,433 --> 00:14:15,303
AIN'T EVEN CUTE,
BUT AT LEAST HE GOT A JOB!"
285
00:14:15,300 --> 00:14:18,530
YOU...YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.
AT LEAST HE GOT A CAR.
286
00:14:18,533 --> 00:14:20,203
COME PICK ME UP EVERY
NOW AND AGAIN.
287
00:14:20,200 --> 00:14:22,730
AT LEAST HE GOT A HOUSE.
I COULD PUT MY FEET UP.
288
00:14:22,734 --> 00:14:25,334
BUT AT LEAST, HE GOT SOMETHING.
IT'S NOT A LOT.
289
00:14:25,333 --> 00:14:27,533
IT'S AN AT LEAST.
290
00:14:27,533 --> 00:14:29,103
I DON'T CARE IF IT'S AN AT LEAST
YOU GOT A WEED HOOKUP.
291
00:14:29,100 --> 00:14:32,470
NIGGA, COME WITH SOMETHING
TO THE TABLE!
292
00:14:32,467 --> 00:14:34,127
WE CAN WORK IT OUT.
293
00:14:34,133 --> 00:14:36,733
BROTHERS, Y'ALL BE CONCENTRATING
ON THE WRONG SHIT.
294
00:14:36,734 --> 00:14:38,934
I DON'T GIVE A FUCK
IF YOU PULL UP ON A CAMEL,
295
00:14:38,934 --> 00:14:41,534
I'M GONNA GET ON THE BITCH.
I JUST DON'T WANT TO WALK.
296
00:14:41,533 --> 00:14:43,273
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
297
00:14:43,266 --> 00:14:44,996
HELP YOU TAKE CARE OF
THE MOTHERFUCKER,
298
00:14:45,000 --> 00:14:49,000
HELP YOU WATER IT AND SHIT.
I LIKE CAMELS.
299
00:14:49,000 --> 00:14:51,130
WE'LL WORK IT OUT BETWEEN US,
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
300
00:14:51,133 --> 00:14:52,733
I'M GONNA SAY THIS
TO THE LADIES:
301
00:14:52,734 --> 00:14:54,974
WE NEED TO LET THE SECRET OUT.
WE KNOW WE WANT NOTHING MORE
302
00:14:54,967 --> 00:14:58,327
THAN TO MOTIVATE, ENCOURAGE,
AND SUPPORT OUR MAN.
303
00:14:58,333 --> 00:15:02,633
AIN'T THAT THE TRUTH?
COME ON AND CLAP IT UP.
304
00:15:02,633 --> 00:15:07,273
WE JUST NEED A REASON, NIGGAS.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
305
00:15:07,266 --> 00:15:10,296
BUT...LET ME SAY THIS
TO ENCOURAGE YOU, THOUGH,
306
00:15:10,300 --> 00:15:12,470
'CAUSE BROTHERS, IF THE BROTHERS
IS COMING WITH THE AT LEAST,
307
00:15:12,467 --> 00:15:14,197
LADIES, WE AT LEAST NEED TO DO
WHAT IT TAKES
308
00:15:14,200 --> 00:15:16,000
TO MAKE IT RIGHT FOR THEM.
309
00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:18,900
LET ME GIVE YOU A SCENARIO
WHERE IT'LL WORK OUT FOR THE BOTH OF US.
310
00:15:18,900 --> 00:15:21,070
LET'S SAY, BROTHER, YOU COME
IN THE HOUSE AND YOU LIKE,
311
00:15:21,066 --> 00:15:24,996
YOU KNOW, "YOU KNOW, BABY,
I KNOW WE BEEN STRUGGLING ON THE BILLS,
312
00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:27,070
"I KNOW WE AIN'T HAD
A LOT OF MONEY.
313
00:15:27,066 --> 00:15:29,196
"YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
IT'S BEEN TIGHT AROUND HERE.
314
00:15:29,200 --> 00:15:31,770
"WE BEEN ARGUING AND SHIT.
SO, UM..
315
00:15:31,767 --> 00:15:36,627
"THIS MORNING I GOT UP.
I WENT TO THE JOB.
316
00:15:36,633 --> 00:15:37,973
AND I WENT FOR THE PROMOTION."
317
00:15:37,967 --> 00:15:39,267
- WHOO!
318
00:15:39,266 --> 00:15:42,866
- BUT BABY, I AIN'T GET
THE PROMOTION."
319
00:15:42,867 --> 00:15:46,027
GUESS WHAT? IF THAT WAS MY MAN,
AT LEAST HE'S TRYING,
320
00:15:46,033 --> 00:15:48,933
AND GUESS WHAT?
I WOULD SUCK HIS DICK.
321
00:15:48,934 --> 00:15:52,734
YES, I WOULD.
YES, I WOULD.
322
00:15:52,734 --> 00:15:55,874
Y'ALL DON'T HEAR ME YET.
BUT LET ME TELL YOU WHY.
323
00:15:55,867 --> 00:15:58,867
BECAUSE AT THIS POINT, THIS MAN
NEEDS MOTIVATION.
324
00:15:58,867 --> 00:16:01,197
HE NEEDS ENCOURAGEMENT
AND SUPPORT.
325
00:16:01,200 --> 00:16:03,030
HE NEEDS TO KNOW THAT TOMORROW'S
ANOTHER DAY.
326
00:16:03,033 --> 00:16:05,373
MAYBE LOOK AT HIS BOSS
IN THE FACE, SIT HIS ASS DOWN,
327
00:16:05,367 --> 00:16:08,097
AND KEEP ON WORKING, MAYBE
LOOK IN THE PAPER AND FIND HIMSELF ANOTHER JOB,
328
00:16:08,100 --> 00:16:13,000
BUT I'M GONNA SUCK HIS DICK
UNTIL HE FEELS BETTER!
329
00:16:13,000 --> 00:16:15,370
AND SEE, NO, NO, NO, NO.
330
00:16:15,367 --> 00:16:18,667
THERE'S STILL SOME DRY DICKS
IN DEF JAM TONIGHT.
331
00:16:18,667 --> 00:16:20,167
Y'ALL REALLY DON'T UNDERSTAND
WHAT I'M SAYING.
332
00:16:20,166 --> 00:16:23,166
BUT MY WHOLE POINT IN THIS IS,
IF I CANNOT SUCK YOUR DICK
333
00:16:23,166 --> 00:16:26,566
INTO EMPLOYMENT, WHAT BETTER
REASON DO I HAVE
334
00:16:26,567 --> 00:16:28,027
TO BE SUCKING YOUR DICK?
335
00:16:28,033 --> 00:16:31,033
I'M NOT HERE JUST SUCKING DICK
FOR DICK SUCKING'S SAKE!
336
00:16:31,033 --> 00:16:33,073
I GOT PURPOSE.
I'M GOAL-ORIENTED.
337
00:16:33,066 --> 00:16:34,926
I'M STRIVING TOWARDS SOME SHIT.
338
00:16:34,934 --> 00:16:37,834
I'M TRYING TO MAKE IT BETTER
FOR YOU AND ME.
339
00:16:40,467 --> 00:16:43,427
ALL THE FRIVOLOUS DICK-SUCKING
WON'T DO, BABY.
340
00:16:43,433 --> 00:16:46,003
CAN'T KEEP GOING
FRIVOLOUS DICK-SUCKING.
341
00:16:46,000 --> 00:16:47,500
IT WON'T WORK OUT, BABY.
342
00:16:47,500 --> 00:16:49,700
IT WON'T WORK OUT.
343
00:16:49,700 --> 00:16:51,600
THEY GOT SHIT OUT HERE, TALK
ABOUT WOMEN IS GOLD DIGGERS,
344
00:16:51,600 --> 00:16:53,100
WOMEN IS GOLD DIGGERS.
345
00:16:53,100 --> 00:16:55,970
WE NOT GOLD DIGGERS.
WE JUST TRYING TO LIVE, NIGGA.
346
00:16:55,967 --> 00:16:58,227
I CANNOT SUCK YOUR DICK
IN THE DARK.
347
00:16:58,233 --> 00:17:02,603
CAN I GET $20 ON A LIGHT BILL?
THAT'S ALL I'M TRYING TO SAY.
348
00:17:06,734 --> 00:17:09,734
WE CAN WORK IT OUT BETWEENST
THE TWO OF US, YOU KNOW?
349
00:17:09,734 --> 00:17:12,004
I'M GONNA SAY THIS
TO ENCOURAGE THE WOMEN.
350
00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:15,030
I HEAR ALL THE TIME
THAT MEN DON'T CHEAT ON US BECAUSE THEY DON'T LOVE US.
351
00:17:15,033 --> 00:17:16,233
IT'S NOT THAT
THEY DON'T LOVE US.
352
00:17:16,233 --> 00:17:18,133
IT'S JUST THAT THEY WANT
SOMETHING DIFFERENT.
353
00:17:18,133 --> 00:17:20,303
SO IT DON'T MEAN THAT
IT'S BETTER THAN YOURS, BABY.
354
00:17:20,300 --> 00:17:21,600
IT'S JUST A LITTLE DIFFERENT.
355
00:17:21,600 --> 00:17:22,970
MIGHT BE A LITTLE WETTER,
LITTLE TIGHTER, LITTLE DRIER,
356
00:17:22,967 --> 00:17:24,527
LITTLE LOOSER, BITCH,
I DON'T KNOW. IT AIN'T YOURS.
357
00:17:24,533 --> 00:17:28,573
YOU KNOW? I HAD TO BE REAL
WITH MYSELF AND FIND OUT THAT
358
00:17:28,567 --> 00:17:31,627
YOU KNOW WHAT? I AIN'T GOT
THE BEST PUSSY IN THE WORLD.
359
00:17:31,633 --> 00:17:33,103
Y'ALL GOT QUIET, LIKE,
"SHE DON'T?
360
00:17:33,100 --> 00:17:34,770
LIKE YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME.
361
00:17:34,767 --> 00:17:39,897
I GOT SHORTS ON. I CAN'T
PROVE IT RIGHT NOW, BUT LOOK,
362
00:17:39,900 --> 00:17:41,700
BUT I WANT TO SAY
I HAD TO BE REAL.
363
00:17:41,700 --> 00:17:44,170
I AIN'T GOT THE BEST PUSSY
IN THE WORLD. IT'S GOOD.
364
00:17:44,166 --> 00:17:46,396
BUT IT'S NOT THE BEST.
AND HOW I KNOW THAT IS
365
00:17:46,400 --> 00:17:49,170
BECAUSE MEN DO CRAZY SHIT
OVER PUSSY.
366
00:17:49,166 --> 00:17:52,066
EVERYBODY IN HERE KNOWS SOMEBODY
THAT LOST THEIR MIND
367
00:17:52,066 --> 00:17:53,896
OVER SOME PUSSY.
368
00:17:53,900 --> 00:17:57,100
IN JAIL RIGHT NOW
OVER SOME PUSSY.
369
00:17:57,100 --> 00:17:59,700
GOT AN ASSAULT CHARGE AND, YOU
KNOW, PUTS HANDS ON SOMEBODY.
370
00:17:59,700 --> 00:18:02,070
I KNOW A NIGGA WENT ON
A KILLING SPREE,
371
00:18:02,066 --> 00:18:07,626
ON DEATH ROW RIGHT NOW
OVER SOME PUSSY.
372
00:18:07,633 --> 00:18:13,103
I SAID TO MYSELF,
"WHAT KIND OF PUSSY IS THAT?"
373
00:18:13,100 --> 00:18:16,830
WHAT IF THAT PUSSY MAKE
YOU KILL SOMEBODY?
374
00:18:16,834 --> 00:18:19,774
WHAT IS THAT MURDEROUS PUSSY?
375
00:18:19,767 --> 00:18:23,167
I AIN'T GOT NO MURDEROUS PUSSY.
I DON'T EVEN THINK I WANT THAT DEMON PUSSY.
376
00:18:23,166 --> 00:18:26,026
WHAT PUT THAT IN YOU
LIKE THAT?
377
00:18:26,033 --> 00:18:28,703
GOT NO MURDEROUS PUSSY.
378
00:18:28,700 --> 00:18:30,870
I GOT LIKE FISTICUFF PUSSY,
YOU KNOW?
379
00:18:30,867 --> 00:18:34,797
NIGGAS BE FIGHTING OVER MY SHIT,
BUT THEY AIN'T GONNA GO TO JAIL.
380
00:18:34,800 --> 00:18:37,270
I GOT BAR FIGHT PUSSY.
381
00:18:37,266 --> 00:18:39,066
A NIGGA WILL TEAR THE CLUB UP
ABOUT MY SHIT,
382
00:18:39,066 --> 00:18:41,326
BUT HE AIN'T GONNA KILL NOBODY.
383
00:18:41,333 --> 00:18:46,503
I GOT MISDEMEANOR, HOUSE-ARREST,
PAROLE-TYPE PUSSY.
384
00:18:46,500 --> 00:18:50,170
THIS COMMUNITY SERVICE PUSSY.
385
00:18:50,166 --> 00:18:53,166
THIS AIN'T SO HOMICIDAL,
CSI-TYPE PUSSY.
386
00:18:53,166 --> 00:18:55,426
THAT AIN'T THE TYPE
OF PUSSY I POSSESS.
387
00:18:55,433 --> 00:18:58,373
I GOT THAT GET LOUD IN THE
PARKING LOT TYPE PUSSY.
388
00:18:58,367 --> 00:19:01,597
I GOT THAT THROW A ROCK AND RUN
TYPE OF PUSSY.
389
00:19:01,600 --> 00:19:03,800
I GOT THAT "I WISH YOU WOULD"
TYPE PUSSY.
390
00:19:03,800 --> 00:19:05,870
LIKE, "I WISH YOU WOULD FUCK
WITH MY BITCH!"
391
00:19:05,867 --> 00:19:08,697
LIKE YOU AIN'T GONNA DO SHIT.
JUST BE LIKE, "I WISH YOU WOULD,
392
00:19:08,700 --> 00:19:10,670
MOTHER..."
393
00:19:12,166 --> 00:19:14,626
AIN'T GONNA DO SHIT.
394
00:19:14,633 --> 00:19:16,203
AND FOR THOSE OF Y'ALL
THAT AIN'T LAUGHING,
395
00:19:16,200 --> 00:19:18,000
Y'ALL GONNA BE THE MAIN ONES
GOING HOME MAKING A GAME
396
00:19:18,000 --> 00:19:20,900
CALLED "THAT'S MY PUSSY."
397
00:19:20,900 --> 00:19:23,970
SOME OF Y'ALL ARE GONNA BE LIKE,
"I GOT DISHWASHING PUSSY.
398
00:19:23,967 --> 00:19:26,197
"HE BE WASHING DISHES
ABOUT MY SHIT,
399
00:19:26,200 --> 00:19:27,670
BUT HE WON'T GO TO WORK"
400
00:19:27,667 --> 00:19:33,067
I BE LIKE, "DAMN, BITCH.
THAT'S SOME PUSSY."
401
00:19:33,066 --> 00:19:36,566
THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR TIME.
MY NAME IS VANESSA FRACTION.
402
00:19:36,567 --> 00:19:38,427
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
403
00:19:49,333 --> 00:19:53,373
- MURDERER PUSSY. GODDAMN!
YOU KNOW THEY CALL THAT SOME PUSSY I GOT TO HAVE.
404
00:19:53,367 --> 00:19:57,427
FUCK THAT SHIT. I GOT BAIL
MONEY. FUCK Y'ALL. SHIT.
405
00:19:57,433 --> 00:19:59,373
FUCK YOU.
406
00:19:59,367 --> 00:20:01,927
I'LL BE IN JAIL HAPPIER
THAN A MOTHERFUCKER.
407
00:20:01,934 --> 00:20:04,774
FUCK THAT--Y'ALL DON'T FORGET.
SHE'S A COMEDIENNE.
408
00:20:04,767 --> 00:20:07,467
DON'T Y'ALL TRY THAT
"AT LEAST" SHIT AT HOME.
409
00:20:07,467 --> 00:20:10,397
FUCK WRONG, GET THE SHIT
KNOCKED OUT OF YOU.
410
00:20:10,400 --> 00:20:12,700
"I GOT A BLACK EYE."
411
00:20:12,700 --> 00:20:15,330
"WELL, AT LEAST I DIDN'T HIT YOU
IN YOUR OTHER EYE."
412
00:20:20,633 --> 00:20:22,873
THIS CAT RIGHT HERE IS
WITHOUT A DOUBT
413
00:20:22,867 --> 00:20:24,867
ONE OF MY FAVORITE COMICS
IN THE COUNTRY.
414
00:20:24,867 --> 00:20:27,927
HE'S A BAD YOUNG CAT.
YOU'VE SEEN HIM ON NBC'S "THE OFFICE."
415
00:20:27,934 --> 00:20:29,974
FROM BOSTON, PUT YOUR HANDS
TOGETHER LOUD AND STRONG
416
00:20:29,967 --> 00:20:33,027
FOR MY CAT--PATRICE O'NEAL.
417
00:20:40,433 --> 00:20:43,373
- YES. WOMEN POWER.
418
00:20:43,367 --> 00:20:44,927
FANTASTIC.
419
00:20:44,934 --> 00:20:46,474
HERE'S WHAT I FOUND OUT
ABOUT MY GIRL:
420
00:20:46,467 --> 00:20:48,097
SHE BEEN WITH ME FOR 5 YEARS.
421
00:20:48,100 --> 00:20:50,970
I ONLY BEEN WITH HER
FOR 8 MONTHS.
422
00:20:53,967 --> 00:20:57,067
I'M LOOKING AT HER LIKE,
"BITCH, YOU DIDN'T REALIZE
423
00:20:57,066 --> 00:21:02,226
YOU WAS A HO FOR 4 YEARS
AND 4 MONTHS?"
424
00:21:02,233 --> 00:21:05,033
WOMEN LOVE A LITTLE BETTER.
425
00:21:05,033 --> 00:21:07,103
Y'ALL LOVE BETTER THAN US.
426
00:21:07,100 --> 00:21:09,430
YOU EVER GET SICK AND SHIT?
YOU GOT SOMETHING.
427
00:21:09,433 --> 00:21:12,073
YOU SHOULD GO TO THE HOSPITAL,
BUT NIGGAS DON'T GO TO THE HOSPITAL.
428
00:21:12,066 --> 00:21:14,796
SO YOU JUST LIKE, "OH, SHIT.
I'M GETTING READY TO DIE.
429
00:21:14,800 --> 00:21:16,670
I DON'T KNOW WHAT
THE FUCK'S GOING ON."
430
00:21:16,667 --> 00:21:19,327
YOU COUGHING. AND THEN
YOUR GIRL COME IN,
431
00:21:19,333 --> 00:21:22,033
AND SHE LOOK AT YOU LIKE,
"MOTHERFUCKER, YOU AIN'T GONNA DIE.
432
00:21:22,033 --> 00:21:23,573
"I'M GONNA SAVE YOU.
OH, MY GOD.
433
00:21:23,567 --> 00:21:26,367
"I'M GONNA GET YOU SOUP.
I'M GONNA KISS YOUR BACK.
434
00:21:26,367 --> 00:21:28,597
I DON'T GIVE A FUCK
IF I CATCH WHAT YOU GOT."
435
00:21:28,600 --> 00:21:30,630
AND SHE GET YOU THROUGH
THAT SICKNESS.
436
00:21:30,633 --> 00:21:33,473
THE SHE GET SICK.
AND YOU BE LIKE,
437
00:21:33,467 --> 00:21:39,827
"GODDAMN!
438
00:21:39,834 --> 00:21:44,874
"BITCH, YOU CAN'T MAKE SOUP.
YOU THAT SICK.
439
00:21:44,867 --> 00:21:47,897
[LAUGHS]
440
00:21:47,900 --> 00:21:49,730
"HOLY SHIT!
I CAN'T CATCH THIS AGAIN.
441
00:21:49,734 --> 00:21:54,474
I TOOK A WEEK OFF
WHEN I HAD IT LAST WEEK, BITCH!"
442
00:21:54,467 --> 00:21:56,427
HERE'S SOMETHING Y'ALL
GOT TO UNDERSTAND, NIGGAS.
443
00:21:56,433 --> 00:21:58,503
Y'ALL THINK YOU KNOW ME.
YOU DON'T KNOW A GODDAMN FUCKING
444
00:21:58,500 --> 00:22:00,300
THING 'CAUSE
YOU DON'T NEED TO KNOW.
445
00:22:03,567 --> 00:22:05,097
WE NEED TO KNOW ABOUT YOU.
446
00:22:05,100 --> 00:22:06,770
SENSE OF HUMOR.
447
00:22:06,767 --> 00:22:07,997
THIS IS IF YOU WANT US
TO LIKE YOU.
448
00:22:08,000 --> 00:22:09,700
I MEAN, YOU CAN GO AROUND
AND DO WHAT YOU DO.
449
00:22:09,700 --> 00:22:11,930
BUT IF YOU REALLY WANT TO
LIKE US, THIS IS WHAT...
450
00:22:11,934 --> 00:22:14,604
MEN'S SENSE OF HUMOR'S BASED
ON THIS, THIS IS THE PRINCIPLE:
451
00:22:14,600 --> 00:22:18,900
IT'S--WE'RE PHILOSOPHICAL
ABOUT DUMB SHIT.
452
00:22:18,900 --> 00:22:20,270
WE'RE PHILOSOPHICAL ABOUT SHIT.
WE'RE VERY THOUGHTFUL ABOUT
453
00:22:20,266 --> 00:22:22,126
SHIT THAT MEANS NOTHING.
454
00:22:22,133 --> 00:22:24,933
HERE'S A CONVERSATION TWO DUDES
CAN HAVE IF WOMEN WEREN'T AROUND
455
00:22:24,934 --> 00:22:27,604
TO FUCK UP THE FUN OF
THE CONVERSATION.
456
00:22:29,867 --> 00:22:32,727
I CAN LOOK AT YOU AND GO, "HEY,
YO. HEY, WOULD YOU FUCKIN' BITCH IF SHE DIDN'T HAVE A NOSE?"
457
00:22:32,734 --> 00:22:38,074
AND...LOOK...WAIT.
458
00:22:38,066 --> 00:22:39,896
BUT HERE'S WHAT HE'LL DO.
HE'LL DO THIS.
459
00:22:49,800 --> 00:22:54,000
"WHAT YOU MEAN--NO NOSE?
LIKE THE TIP IS GONE?"
460
00:22:54,000 --> 00:22:56,830
"NAW, NIGGA. A HOLE IN
THE FACE LIKE A SKELETON."
461
00:23:04,400 --> 00:23:06,870
"CAN I COVER THE HOLE
WITH MY HAND AND SHIT?
462
00:23:06,867 --> 00:23:08,697
"NAW, NIGGA, YOU GOT TO FUCK HER
463
00:23:08,700 --> 00:23:11,570
AND LOOK HER RIGHT
IN THE HOLE IN THE FACE."
464
00:23:15,500 --> 00:23:17,700
"WHAT SHE LOOK LIKE, OTHER THAN
THE HOLE IN THE FACE?"
465
00:23:17,700 --> 00:23:19,300
"SHE FINE AS A MOTHERFUCKER."
466
00:23:19,300 --> 00:23:22,070
"UH...ALL RIGHT, NIGGA. I'LL
FUCK A BITCH WITHOUT A NOSE."
467
00:23:22,066 --> 00:23:23,596
NOW...
468
00:23:23,600 --> 00:23:25,930
ASK YOUR GIRL THAT SHIT,
'CAUSE YOU'RE TRYING TO...
469
00:23:25,934 --> 00:23:27,604
"WOULD YOU FUCK A GUY
WITHOUT A NOSE?"
470
00:23:27,600 --> 00:23:29,900
"I COULDN'T FUCK A GUY
WITHOUT A NOSE.
471
00:23:29,900 --> 00:23:31,830
"THAT SHIT'S STUPID.
472
00:23:31,834 --> 00:23:33,334
"YOU CAN'T...[STAMMERING]
473
00:23:33,333 --> 00:23:35,133
"FUCKING NOSE.
474
00:23:35,133 --> 00:23:37,573
"YOU CAN'T KEEP BREATHING
WITHOUT A NOSE.
475
00:23:37,567 --> 00:23:40,597
"YOU'RE GONNA DIE
IF YOU DON'T HAVE A NOSE.
476
00:23:40,600 --> 00:23:44,970
HOW CAN YOU NOT TAKE HIM
TO THE HOSPITAL...NOSE?"
477
00:23:48,000 --> 00:23:50,600
"CAN YOU JUST BE HYPOTHETICAL
FOR 5 MINUTES, BITCH?
478
00:23:50,600 --> 00:23:54,170
HYPOTHETICAL.
THAT'S WHY WE DO IT."
479
00:23:54,166 --> 00:23:58,266
"TRANSFORMERS? THAT'S STUPID.
A COPTER AND A ROBOT..."
480
00:23:58,266 --> 00:24:00,666
[STAMMERING]
481
00:24:05,900 --> 00:24:08,200
Y'ALL WILL LEARN.
482
00:24:08,200 --> 00:24:10,070
OH, HERE'S SOMETHING ELSE.
HERE'S SOMETHING FOR YOU.
483
00:24:10,066 --> 00:24:11,666
SERIOUS. IF YOU WANT TO KNOW.
484
00:24:11,667 --> 00:24:14,267
UM, HERE'S HOW YOU LEARN
HOW TO MAKE YOUR MAN LIKE YOU
485
00:24:14,266 --> 00:24:18,096
AND DESIRE WHAT YOU WANT,
WHICH IS LOVE.
486
00:24:18,100 --> 00:24:19,300
ALL RIGHT.
487
00:24:19,300 --> 00:24:22,270
EQUATE HOW YOU FEEL
ABOUT YOUR VAGINA
488
00:24:22,266 --> 00:24:24,766
TO HOW WE FEEL ABOUT
OUR TIME AND OUR SPACE.
489
00:24:24,767 --> 00:24:26,327
YOU UNDERSTAND?
490
00:24:26,333 --> 00:24:28,673
WHAT WE HAVE TO DO TO GET PUSSY,
THE THINGS WE HAVE TO DO NOW,
491
00:24:28,667 --> 00:24:31,797
I CAN'T FUCK YOU
AGAINST YOUR WILL.
492
00:24:31,800 --> 00:24:33,630
YOU GOT TO DESIRE
TO WANT TO FUCK ME.
493
00:24:33,633 --> 00:24:36,133
IF I FUCK YOU AGAINST YOUR WILL,
THAT'S RAPE.
494
00:24:36,133 --> 00:24:38,273
NOW, IF I'M ON THE PHONE,
I SAY, "LOOK, I GOT TO GO.
495
00:24:38,266 --> 00:24:39,926
AND YOU SAY,
"WHY YOU GOT TO GO?
496
00:24:39,934 --> 00:24:41,074
I WANT TO TALK
TO YOU SOME MORE."
497
00:24:41,066 --> 00:24:46,396
YOU ARE RAPING MY TIME.
498
00:24:46,400 --> 00:24:49,130
YOU ARE...
499
00:24:49,133 --> 00:24:52,073
TAKING SOMETHING FROM ME.
500
00:24:52,066 --> 00:24:55,396
NO MEANS NO, BITCH.
I SAID I GOT TO GO!
501
00:24:58,767 --> 00:25:01,867
WHY ARE YOU FORCING ME
TO STAY ON THE PHONE AND TALK TO YOU?
502
00:25:01,867 --> 00:25:04,567
ABOUT NOTHING?
503
00:25:04,567 --> 00:25:07,627
[LAUGHS]
504
00:25:10,700 --> 00:25:13,170
A LOT OF BLACK WOMEN HERE.
YOU WONDER WHY LOT OF MOTHERFUCKERS FUCK WHITE GIRLS?
505
00:25:13,166 --> 00:25:15,666
HERE IT IS.
506
00:25:15,667 --> 00:25:18,467
WHITE WOMEN. I'M SERIOUS,
YOU JUST DO THIS,
507
00:25:18,467 --> 00:25:24,197
BECAUSE MEN LOVE PUSSY
IN GENERAL, SO WE TRY TO LEARN ABOUT IT ALL.
508
00:25:24,200 --> 00:25:29,500
WHITE WOMEN ARE ABOUT
15-20 YEARS AHEAD OF Y'ALL
509
00:25:29,500 --> 00:25:32,800
IN DOING NASTY SHIT.
510
00:25:39,600 --> 00:25:42,700
HOLD ON. BLACK WOMEN
JUST STARTED TAKING IT IN THE ASS, WHEN? WHAT?
511
00:25:42,700 --> 00:25:45,600
12-13 YEARS AGO
WHEN HENNESSEE GOT POPULAR?
512
00:25:45,600 --> 00:25:48,900
WHEN HENNESSEE GOT POPULAR,
Y'ALL WOULD TAKE IT IN THE ASS.
513
00:25:48,900 --> 00:25:51,700
WHEN I WAS 19, I COULDN'T
EVEN DO THE WET THUMB.
514
00:25:51,700 --> 00:25:53,670
IF I WAS FUCKING LIKE--
I COULDN'T EVEN DO THIS
515
00:25:53,667 --> 00:25:54,827
AND STICK IT IN THE ASSHOLE.
516
00:25:54,834 --> 00:25:57,234
I HAD A BITCH HAVE A BUTT-NAKED
MEETING WITH ME
517
00:25:57,233 --> 00:25:59,633
WHEN I TRIED TO PUT A THUMB
IN HER ASS, SHE STOPPED ME,
518
00:25:59,633 --> 00:26:01,103
WAS ALL, "WHY WOULD YOU...?
519
00:26:07,000 --> 00:26:10,530
"WHY WOULD YOU PUT YOUR THUMB
IN MY ASSHOLE? SERIOUS, NO.
520
00:26:10,533 --> 00:26:12,133
"YOU TALK TO ME.
521
00:26:12,133 --> 00:26:15,203
'CAUSE YOU GET HEPATITIS AND
ALL TYPE OF SHIT FROM THAT."
522
00:26:19,133 --> 00:26:21,803
AND YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT TO SAY. "I DON'T KNOW.
523
00:26:21,800 --> 00:26:23,230
"I JUST FELT LIKE PUTTING
MY THUMB IN YOUR ASSHOLE.
524
00:26:23,233 --> 00:26:25,133
"IT WAS THERE.
I JUST WAS GONNA SMOOSH IT IN.
525
00:26:25,133 --> 00:26:28,203
AND IT'S JUST THERE."
526
00:26:28,200 --> 00:26:29,700
THAT'S WHAT IT IS.
527
00:26:29,700 --> 00:26:32,070
YOU HEAR WOMEN GOING, "EW."
HERE'S THE LESSON.
528
00:26:32,066 --> 00:26:39,826
ANYTHING SELFISH THAT YOU GO,
"EW," DO THAT.
529
00:26:39,834 --> 00:26:43,634
DON'T BE PRETTY WITH IT.
LOOKIT, I WANT A GIRL,
530
00:26:43,633 --> 00:26:45,333
WHEN SHE'S SUCKING MY DICK,
I WANT HER TO LOOK
531
00:26:45,333 --> 00:26:54,073
LIKE A UGLY MOTHERFUCKER
PLAYING DICE.
532
00:26:54,066 --> 00:26:56,226
AND SPIT ON IT.
533
00:26:58,667 --> 00:27:01,327
AND CHOKE ON IT A LITTLE BIT.
WE LIKE THAT, TOO.
534
00:27:01,333 --> 00:27:03,233
[HOCKS SPIT] THAT'S SEXY.
535
00:27:04,400 --> 00:27:06,370
[HOCKS SPIT]
536
00:27:06,367 --> 00:27:08,167
I GOTTA GO, MAN.
Y'ALL TAKE CARE.
537
00:27:08,166 --> 00:27:09,766
THANK YOU.
538
00:27:23,467 --> 00:27:24,527
- HAVE Y'ALL HAD A GOOD TIME?
539
00:27:24,533 --> 00:27:25,803
[CHEERS]
540
00:27:25,800 --> 00:27:27,730
Y'ALL AIN'T HEARD ME
Y'ALL HAVE A GOOD TIME?
541
00:27:27,734 --> 00:27:29,874
STAND UP AND LET 'EM KNOW IT.
STAND UP.
542
00:27:29,867 --> 00:27:31,967
PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR
THE MAN WHO MADE IT POSSIBLE--
543
00:27:31,967 --> 00:27:34,327
RUSSELL SIMMONS.
544
00:27:34,333 --> 00:27:37,003
- THANK YOU FOR COMING OUT.
GOD BLESS YOU. GOOD NIGHT.
545
00:27:37,000 --> 00:27:40,070
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
HOME BOX OFFICE, INC.
546
00:27:40,066 --> 00:27:41,626
CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL
CAPTIONING INSTITUTE --www.ncicap.org--
547
00:27:41,676 --> 00:27:46,226
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