All language subtitles for Def Comedy Jam s09e02.eng

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:12,800 --> 00:00:16,270 CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY HOME BOX OFFICE, INC. 2 00:00:18,533 --> 00:00:21,703 - LOOK AT THE LADIES-- HI, GIRLFRIEND! 3 00:00:21,700 --> 00:00:24,870 HOW YOU DOIN'? 4 00:00:24,867 --> 00:00:28,227 NOW, THE BOOTS. 5 00:00:28,233 --> 00:00:32,073 CAN WE GET A SHOT OF THESE? 6 00:00:32,066 --> 00:00:35,096 WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING ABOUT? 7 00:00:38,667 --> 00:00:41,567 NO, SEE, I GOT TO BE REAL, YOU KNOW? 8 00:00:41,567 --> 00:00:43,827 THAT SHIT DON'T MATCH. 9 00:00:46,633 --> 00:00:48,973 BLUE JEANS, MY ASS. 10 00:00:51,100 --> 00:00:52,770 NO, I'M JUST PLAYING. 11 00:00:52,767 --> 00:00:55,767 NO, YOU JUST LOOK LIKE, "AH, THIS'LL GO WITH THE BLUE JEANS." 12 00:00:55,767 --> 00:00:56,797 NO. 13 00:00:59,333 --> 00:01:01,333 I'M JUST PLAYING. I'M JUST PLAYING. 14 00:01:01,333 --> 00:01:03,173 [LAUGHS] 15 00:01:03,166 --> 00:01:04,666 SHE EMBARRASSED NOW. 16 00:01:04,667 --> 00:01:06,267 YOU IN SHOW BUSINESS? 17 00:01:06,266 --> 00:01:07,866 GET YOUR FEET OFF MY GODDAMN STAGE. 18 00:01:08,934 --> 00:01:10,974 [LAUGHS] AW, JUST... 19 00:01:12,567 --> 00:01:14,467 NOW, I WANT THAT BOOT. EVERY TIME I COME ONSTAGE, 20 00:01:14,467 --> 00:01:16,727 I WANT THAT MOTHERFUCKER LAID OUT LIKE THIS 21 00:01:16,734 --> 00:01:18,674 TO REMIND ME OF WHAT NOT TO DO. 22 00:01:20,800 --> 00:01:24,030 HI, WHITE PEOPLE IN THE BACK, HI! 23 00:01:26,433 --> 00:01:30,233 DIDN'T SEE YOU GUYS! 24 00:01:30,233 --> 00:01:40,573 YOU KNOW YOU MOTHERFUCKERS DON'T MATCH. 25 00:01:40,567 --> 00:01:47,797 YOU KNOW YOU MOTHERFUCKERS DON'T MATCH. 26 00:01:47,800 --> 00:01:50,500 I KNOW THEY LOOKING AT THEIR TV LIKE, "OH, FUCK! 27 00:01:50,500 --> 00:01:52,270 "WHO IS THE NIGGER, HUH? 28 00:01:52,266 --> 00:01:55,566 "WHY CAN'T WE GET 'EM BANNED? 29 00:01:55,567 --> 00:01:57,867 "FUCKIN' HBO. 30 00:01:57,867 --> 00:02:00,627 "LETTIN' ANYBODY ON. 31 00:02:00,633 --> 00:02:01,803 "FUCK! 32 00:02:02,800 --> 00:02:04,600 "FUCK... 33 00:02:04,600 --> 00:02:08,570 THIS FREEDOM OF SPEECH SHIT." 34 00:02:08,567 --> 00:02:10,427 - "DEF COMEDY JAM!" 35 00:02:10,433 --> 00:02:12,833 - IT'S THE "RUSSELL SIMMONS' DEF COMEDY JAM" 36 00:02:12,834 --> 00:02:17,704 WITH YOUR HOST D.L. HUGHLEY. 37 00:02:17,700 --> 00:02:19,930 TONIGHT'S GUESTS... 38 00:02:19,934 --> 00:02:21,574 GILSON LUBIN, 39 00:02:21,567 --> 00:02:24,097 VANESSA FRACTION, 40 00:02:24,100 --> 00:02:26,930 AND PATRICE O'NEAL. 41 00:02:26,934 --> 00:02:31,534 I AM YOUR MAN, THE WORLD'S GREATEST DEEJAY THE KID CAPRI! 42 00:02:31,533 --> 00:02:34,433 AND THIS IS COMEDY AT ITS BEST. 43 00:02:34,433 --> 00:02:38,503 LET'S GET IT ON WITH YOUR HOST D.L. HUGHLEY! 44 00:02:38,500 --> 00:02:40,970 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 45 00:02:42,500 --> 00:02:44,900 - HEY, NOW. HOW YA'LL DOIN'? 46 00:02:50,367 --> 00:02:53,227 ONE MORE TIME, GIVE IT TO MY MAN KID CAPRI. 47 00:02:57,033 --> 00:02:58,573 THIS IS L.A. THIS IS MY CITY. 48 00:02:58,567 --> 00:03:01,097 I LOVE THIS MOTHERFUCKER HERE. I'M FROM HERE. 49 00:03:01,100 --> 00:03:02,670 ALL THE BULLSHIT. 50 00:03:02,667 --> 00:03:05,167 'COURSE, WE GOT THE RAGGEDYEST DOWNTOWN IN THE FUCKIN' WORLD. 51 00:03:05,166 --> 00:03:06,826 THIS... 52 00:03:06,834 --> 00:03:09,874 I GUESS IT'S BETTER THAN TIJUANA, BUT THAT'S IT. 53 00:03:09,867 --> 00:03:11,127 SHIT! 54 00:03:11,133 --> 00:03:13,433 - [LAUGHTER] 55 00:03:13,433 --> 00:03:15,033 - [LAUGHS] 56 00:03:15,033 --> 00:03:17,473 LOT OF PRETTY WOMEN. WOMEN, Y'ALL DON'T FUCKING CHANGE, MAN. 57 00:03:17,467 --> 00:03:19,367 YOU EVER NOTICE, THE MORE PRETTY A WOMAN IS, 58 00:03:19,367 --> 00:03:20,827 THE MORE BULLSHIT YOU'LL PUT UP WITH. 59 00:03:20,834 --> 00:03:22,234 PRETTY WOMEN GET AWAY WITH FUCKIN' MURDER. 60 00:03:22,233 --> 00:03:24,573 A PRETTY WOMAN COULD START CRYING HERE RIGHT NOW, 61 00:03:24,567 --> 00:03:26,027 EVERY MAN, "GIRL, YOU ALL RIGHT? OOH, I HATE TO SEE 62 00:03:26,033 --> 00:03:27,703 A PRETTY THING LIKE YOU CRYING." 63 00:03:27,700 --> 00:03:29,630 UGLY WOMEN CATCH HELL WHEN THEY CRY, 64 00:03:29,633 --> 00:03:31,873 'CAUSE DON'T NOBODY GIVE A FUCK. 65 00:03:31,867 --> 00:03:34,167 "EHHH..." 66 00:03:34,166 --> 00:03:37,896 "HEY, GIRL. GET AWAY FROM MY CAR. 67 00:03:37,900 --> 00:03:43,800 DON'T MAKE ME THROW NO ROCK AT YOU, GET AWAY FROM MY GODDAMN CAR. I'M NOT PLAYIN'." 68 00:03:43,800 --> 00:03:46,670 WOMEN DO CRAZY SHIT, ALWAYS DOIN' SHIT YOU CAN'T EXPLAIN, 69 00:03:46,667 --> 00:03:48,397 LIKE PUTTING TOWELS IN THE BATHROOM 70 00:03:48,400 --> 00:03:50,070 AIN'T NOBODY SUPPOSED TO FUCKIN' USE. 71 00:03:50,066 --> 00:03:52,466 WHAT TYPE OF SHIT IS THAT? THAT--"DON'T USE THOSE TOWELS." 72 00:03:52,467 --> 00:03:54,527 "WHAT THEY IN THE BATHROOM FOR?" "THEY'RE NOT FOR YOU!" 73 00:03:54,533 --> 00:03:56,733 EVERY TIME I GET OUT THE SHOWER, I RUB MY DICK 74 00:03:56,734 --> 00:03:58,434 ACROSS THEM GODDAMN TOWELS, FUCK THESE TOWELS! 75 00:03:58,433 --> 00:04:01,203 DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THESE GODDAMN TOWELS! 76 00:04:01,200 --> 00:04:04,400 YOU KNOW WHY MEN ARE LAUGHING? 'CAUSE WE ALL DO IT, THAT'S WHY. 77 00:04:04,400 --> 00:04:07,830 Y'ALL COME IN THE BATHROOM. "THESE TOWELS SMELL FUNNY TO YOU?" 78 00:04:07,834 --> 00:04:10,874 "NOT TO ME." 79 00:04:10,867 --> 00:04:12,567 WOMEN DO ALL KINDS OF... 80 00:04:12,567 --> 00:04:14,797 "HOW COME YOU DON'T LIKE TO TALK TO ME AFTER WE FINISH MAKING LOVE?" 81 00:04:14,800 --> 00:04:17,800 "'CAUSE SOMETHING IN PUSSY MAKE YOU SLEEPIER THAN A MOTHERFUCKER, THAT'S WHY." 82 00:04:17,800 --> 00:04:19,800 YOU GET SOME PUSSY, YOU CAN'T STAY AWAKE. 83 00:04:19,800 --> 00:04:23,470 "WHAT DOES SHE PUT IN HERE? 84 00:04:23,467 --> 00:04:27,567 DID SHE SIT ON MY NYQUIL OR SOMETHING? SHIT!" 85 00:04:27,567 --> 00:04:30,227 YOU GET SOME PUSSY AND EAT A TURKEY SANDWICH, 86 00:04:30,233 --> 00:04:31,903 YOU IN A COMA. SHIT! 87 00:04:34,433 --> 00:04:38,573 "I GOT TO LAY DOWN." 88 00:04:38,567 --> 00:04:40,627 ALWAYS DOING SOME BULLSHIT, MAN. 89 00:04:40,633 --> 00:04:43,633 IT'S...THEY HATE WHEN WE LEAVE THAT TOILET SEAT UP, DON'T THEY? 90 00:04:43,633 --> 00:04:45,003 THEY HATE THAT SHIT. 91 00:04:45,000 --> 00:04:46,800 I DON'T EVEN REALIZE WHY. BUT DO YOU REALIZE 92 00:04:46,800 --> 00:04:49,030 THEY FALL THEIR WHOLE ASS IN THE BOTTOM OF THAT BOWL? 93 00:04:49,033 --> 00:04:51,703 FEET DANGLING OVER THE EDGE 94 00:04:51,700 --> 00:04:53,170 AT 2:00 IN THE MORNING, AND ALL YOU HEAR IS: 95 00:04:53,166 --> 00:04:54,466 "GODDAMN IT! 96 00:04:54,467 --> 00:05:00,267 YOU DIDN'T EVEN FLUSH, YOU NASTY SON OF A BITCH!" 97 00:05:00,266 --> 00:05:03,026 I DO THAT SHIT ON PURPOSE. IT MAKE ME LAUGH. FUCK Y'ALL. 98 00:05:03,033 --> 00:05:05,903 THEY COME IN THE BEDROOM WITH THEIR NIGHTGOWN ALL WET. 99 00:05:05,900 --> 00:05:10,170 "THIS IS SOME BULLSHIT!" 100 00:05:10,166 --> 00:05:11,966 WOMEN DON'T REALIZE HOW HARD IT IS TO REMEMBER TO PUT 101 00:05:11,967 --> 00:05:14,097 THAT FUCKIN' TOILET SEAT DOWN WHEN YOU'RE A MAN. 102 00:05:14,100 --> 00:05:15,970 3 A.M., YOU EVER STAGGER TO THE BATHROOM 103 00:05:15,967 --> 00:05:17,467 WITH THAT HARD DICK THAT WON'T BEND? 104 00:05:17,467 --> 00:05:19,227 YOU'RE JUST... 105 00:05:23,200 --> 00:05:24,530 ALL OF A SUDDEN, THE SHIT'S SPLIT 3 DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS. 106 00:05:24,533 --> 00:05:26,333 "OH, SHIT! 107 00:05:26,333 --> 00:05:30,673 THANK GOD WE GOT THESE TOWELS RIGHT HERE." 108 00:05:30,667 --> 00:05:32,767 Y'ALL READY TO KEEP THIS THING GOING? 109 00:05:35,867 --> 00:05:38,597 ALL THE WAY FROM CANADA, BY WAY OF THE CARIBBEAN, 110 00:05:38,600 --> 00:05:40,130 GIVE IT UP TO MY MAN GILSON LUBIN. 111 00:05:40,133 --> 00:05:42,273 DO SOMETHING FOR HIM, Y'ALL! 112 00:05:50,033 --> 00:05:51,233 - WASSUP? 113 00:05:51,233 --> 00:05:54,633 HOW Y'ALL DOIN', L.A? 114 00:05:54,633 --> 00:05:55,833 GOD DAMN! 115 00:05:55,834 --> 00:05:58,504 - YAY, YAY! - YAY, YAY! 116 00:05:58,500 --> 00:06:01,870 FUCK, YOU'RE LOOKING AT THE BLACK POPULATION FROM CANADA RIGHT NOW, 117 00:06:01,867 --> 00:06:04,867 SO SAY THANKS. 118 00:06:04,867 --> 00:06:07,597 FUCK. NICE TO BE HERE, MAN. I'M FROM CANADA. 119 00:06:07,600 --> 00:06:09,600 ORIGINALLY FROM THE CARIBBEAN ISLANDS. 120 00:06:09,600 --> 00:06:10,700 [CHEERING] 121 00:06:10,700 --> 00:06:12,000 YEAH. 122 00:06:12,000 --> 00:06:15,200 MAN, Y'ALL GIVE IT UP OUT HERE, MAN. I LOVE L.A. 123 00:06:15,200 --> 00:06:17,230 I LOVE L.A. BECAUSE OF THE WEATHER. 124 00:06:17,233 --> 00:06:19,603 THIS IS THE PERFECT WEATHER. I'M FROM THE ISLANDS. 125 00:06:19,600 --> 00:06:22,970 IT'S SO HOT, YOU CAN'T EVEN HAVE LONG-TERM GOALS IN A PLACE THAT HOT. 126 00:06:25,834 --> 00:06:28,134 I HEAR PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT BUILDING A HOUSE 127 00:06:28,133 --> 00:06:29,773 OR STARTING A FAMILY IN A COUPLE OF YEARS. 128 00:06:29,767 --> 00:06:31,327 YOU ASK ANYBODY IN THE ISLANDS, 129 00:06:31,333 --> 00:06:33,203 "WHAT DO YOU SEE IN YOUR FUTURE?" 130 00:06:33,200 --> 00:06:38,970 THE JUST LOOK AT YOU LIKE, "MAN, I JUST WANT A MANGO FROM THAT TREE RIGHT THERE. 131 00:06:38,967 --> 00:06:40,697 TOO FUCKIN' HOT FOR THAT SHIT." 132 00:06:42,500 --> 00:06:44,400 BUT I FEEL BAD, MAN. 133 00:06:44,400 --> 00:06:46,800 I ALWAYS FEEL BAD FOR OUR GENERATION, MAN. 134 00:06:46,800 --> 00:06:48,570 I FEEL BAD FOR KIDS. WHEN I WAS A KID, 135 00:06:48,567 --> 00:06:50,767 I WAS SLOW, BUT THAT SHIT WORKED FOR ME. 136 00:06:52,967 --> 00:06:58,267 WHEN I WAS A KID, I THOUGHT A RACIST WAS JUST A VERY FAST PERSON. THAT WAS AWESOME. 137 00:06:59,667 --> 00:07:02,797 YOU TOLD ME YOU A RACIST, I'M LIKE, "HEY, GOOD LUCK! 138 00:07:02,800 --> 00:07:05,070 THAT MOTHERFUCKER'S FAST!" 139 00:07:05,066 --> 00:07:07,726 [LAUGHS] 140 00:07:07,734 --> 00:07:10,734 I THOUGHT BIGOTRY WAS THE OAK IN FRONT OF MY NEIGHBOR'S HOUSE. 141 00:07:15,266 --> 00:07:17,296 THEY HAD A BIGGER TREE THAN WE DID. 142 00:07:17,300 --> 00:07:19,470 I WAS LIKE, "FUCK IT." 143 00:07:19,467 --> 00:07:23,227 FROM NOW ON, THAT'S BIGOTRY RIGHT HERE. 144 00:07:23,233 --> 00:07:25,073 IT WASN'T TILL, LIKE, THE TENTH GRADE 145 00:07:25,066 --> 00:07:26,726 I REMEMBER ASKING MY BROTHER, 146 00:07:26,734 --> 00:07:28,904 "HOW COME THAT ONE GUY'S SO ANGRY?" 147 00:07:28,900 --> 00:07:30,370 AND HE EXPLAINED TO ME, HE WAS LIKE, "HEY, GIL. 148 00:07:30,367 --> 00:07:31,897 HE'S A RACIST." 149 00:07:31,900 --> 00:07:35,230 AND I WAS LIKE, "NO. HE'S NOT THAT FAST. I'VE SEEN HIM." 150 00:07:37,533 --> 00:07:38,803 YOU COULDN'T WIN AN ARGUMENT WITH HIM. YOU'RE LIKE, 151 00:07:38,800 --> 00:07:40,670 "HEY, DON'T YOU OWE ME SOME MONEY?" 152 00:07:40,667 --> 00:07:44,897 AND HE'S LIKE, "GO BACK TO AFRICA!" 153 00:07:44,900 --> 00:07:47,800 "WHAT'S THAT GOT TO DO WITH MY FUCKIN' MONEY?" 154 00:07:49,400 --> 00:07:52,000 AND HE MAKE IT SOUND LIKE IT'S JUST THAT EASY. 155 00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:59,700 I CAN'T JUST SHOW UP IN AFRICA LIKE, "HEY. 156 00:07:59,700 --> 00:08:02,530 "I'M HOME. 157 00:08:02,533 --> 00:08:06,033 WHERE DO I SLEEP? WHAT'S HAPPENING, BROTHER?" 158 00:08:06,033 --> 00:08:09,033 THEY'D BE LIKE, "SLEEP ANYWHERE YOU WANT. WE DON'T GIVE A FUCK, 159 00:08:09,033 --> 00:08:10,803 "PREFERABLY UNDER THE BIGGER TREE. 160 00:08:10,800 --> 00:08:14,530 THE OTHER ONE GO AROUND THE CORNER. THERE'S A NICE BREEZE." 161 00:08:15,700 --> 00:08:18,100 AND I HAD THIS COMEDIAN COME UP TO ME IN CANADA, 162 00:08:18,100 --> 00:08:19,830 I'M TRYING TO TALK TO HIM, HE'S LIKE, "YO, MAN, 163 00:08:19,834 --> 00:08:22,004 "Y'ALL SAY THE WORD NIGGA ONSTAGE EVERY TIME. 164 00:08:22,000 --> 00:08:24,330 WHY CAN'T I USE IT?" 165 00:08:24,333 --> 00:08:25,973 I WAS LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW. IT'S CONFUSING, 166 00:08:25,967 --> 00:08:29,197 BECAUSE AFTER THIS SHOW, I MIGHT STAB YOU." 167 00:08:38,133 --> 00:08:39,633 THAT'S TRUE, MAN. 168 00:08:39,633 --> 00:08:41,003 LIKE, YOUNG BLACK MEN, WE'RE ANGRY. 169 00:08:41,000 --> 00:08:43,470 WE DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY. 170 00:08:43,467 --> 00:08:46,997 WE JUST HEARD SHIT HAPPENED AND DON'T TRUST WHITE PEOPLE. 171 00:08:47,000 --> 00:08:48,700 THAT SHIT'S LIKE TOURETTE'S. 172 00:08:48,700 --> 00:08:52,200 SOME MORNINGS I WAKE UP LIKE, "FUCK WHITE PEOPLE! 173 00:08:52,200 --> 00:08:54,800 "I NEED SOME CEREAL. THAT'S WHAT THE FUCK I WANT. 174 00:08:54,800 --> 00:08:56,930 I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I'M TALKING ABOUT." 175 00:08:58,934 --> 00:09:00,334 THAT'S MY REAL NAME, TOO. GILSON LUBIN. 176 00:09:00,333 --> 00:09:02,903 WHAT THE FUCK? 177 00:09:02,900 --> 00:09:05,500 LIFE'S HARD ENOUGH. 178 00:09:05,500 --> 00:09:07,270 THAT SHIT SOUNDS LIKE A HORSE'S NAME. 179 00:09:07,266 --> 00:09:10,596 "COMING IN LAST IS GILSON LUBIN. LOOK AT HIM GO." 180 00:09:13,000 --> 00:09:15,800 THAT'S HOW YOU CAN TELL WHICH HORSE IS GONNA LOSE THE RACE, BY THEIR NAMES. 181 00:09:15,800 --> 00:09:18,630 IT'S ALWAYS LIKE, "COMIN' IN FIRST IS POWERHOUSE, 182 00:09:18,633 --> 00:09:20,903 "FOLLOWED BY SILVER BULLET. 183 00:09:20,900 --> 00:09:25,170 "IN THE LAST GROUP WE HAVE SHAKY LEGS... 184 00:09:25,166 --> 00:09:30,626 FOLLOWED BY I-THOUGHT-THE-RACE- WAS-TOMORROW. 185 00:09:30,633 --> 00:09:33,873 "AND THERE'S GILSON LUBIN JUST RUNNING. 186 00:09:33,867 --> 00:09:36,597 NO HORSE, NOTHING." 187 00:09:36,600 --> 00:09:38,570 I LIKE TALKING ABOUT RACE, MAN. 188 00:09:38,567 --> 00:09:40,827 I DON'T CARE WHAT ANYBODY SAYS. I LIKE TALKING ABOUT RACE. 189 00:09:40,834 --> 00:09:42,374 SOME PEOPLE DON'T LIKE IT. SOME GUY CAME UP TO ME 190 00:09:42,367 --> 00:09:44,727 UP IN CANADA AND HE'S LIKE, "YOU SHOULDN'T TALK ABOUT RACISM." 191 00:09:44,734 --> 00:09:45,934 AND I SAID, "WHY NOT?" 192 00:09:45,934 --> 00:09:48,234 AND HE SAID, "BECAUSE WE LIVE IN A DAY AND AGE 193 00:09:48,233 --> 00:09:50,973 WHERE IT DOESN'T EVEN EXIST ANYMORE." 194 00:09:50,967 --> 00:09:54,797 SO I WAS LIKE, "WELL, I FUCKIN' HATE YOU. 195 00:09:58,633 --> 00:10:01,073 I DON'T CARE WHAT ANYBODY SAYS. RACISM'S NOT OVER 196 00:10:01,066 --> 00:10:03,096 TILL THEY CHANGE THE TASTE OF BLACK LICORICE. 197 00:10:03,100 --> 00:10:05,830 I DON'T GIVE A FUCK. 198 00:10:05,834 --> 00:10:08,274 [CHEERING] 199 00:10:10,500 --> 00:10:11,930 YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 200 00:10:11,934 --> 00:10:13,904 WHAT FUCKIN' INGREDIENTS ARE THEY USING TO MAKE 201 00:10:13,900 --> 00:10:16,300 THE BLACK CANDIES? 202 00:10:16,300 --> 00:10:20,170 WHAT THE FUCK TASTES SO BAD? 203 00:10:20,166 --> 00:10:22,526 EVERY OTHER COLOR MAKES LOGICAL SENSE. 204 00:10:22,533 --> 00:10:24,473 YOU BITE INTO THE RED ONES, YOU'RE, "MMM. 205 00:10:24,467 --> 00:10:26,627 "THIS SHIT TASTES LIKE STRAWBERRIES. 206 00:10:26,633 --> 00:10:30,473 BECAUSE IT'S RED. DID I GET IT?" 207 00:10:30,467 --> 00:10:35,667 HIGH FIVE. EVERYONE'S FUCKIN' HAPPY. 208 00:10:35,667 --> 00:10:38,167 THE ORANGE ONES ARE CITRUSY. YOU'RE AMAZED. 209 00:10:38,166 --> 00:10:39,926 YOU'RE LIKE, "HOW DID THEY FUCKIN' DO THAT? 210 00:10:39,934 --> 00:10:43,834 IT TASTES JUST LIKE A REAL ORANGE." 211 00:10:49,233 --> 00:10:52,233 SO YOU GO TO BITE INTO THE BLACK ONES... 212 00:10:52,233 --> 00:10:55,133 [LAUGHS] 213 00:10:55,133 --> 00:10:57,303 YOU'RE THINKING LOGICALLY 214 00:10:57,300 --> 00:11:00,430 IT'S GONNA TASTE LIKE BLACKBERRIES. 215 00:11:03,166 --> 00:11:05,366 NOT A FUCKIN' CHANCE. 216 00:11:05,367 --> 00:11:08,927 THAT SHIT IS THE ONLY CANDY 217 00:11:08,934 --> 00:11:10,974 THAT MAKES YOU WANT TO FIGHT. 218 00:11:10,967 --> 00:11:14,527 YOU'RE LIKE, "WHAT FUCKIN' INGREDIENTS ARE THEY USING 219 00:11:14,533 --> 00:11:16,833 "TO MAKE THIS SHIT? 220 00:11:16,834 --> 00:11:18,974 "WHAT THE FUCK TASTES SO BAD? 221 00:11:18,967 --> 00:11:21,267 "WHAT IS THIS-- SUGAR AND HATE? 222 00:11:21,266 --> 00:11:24,326 WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?" 223 00:11:24,333 --> 00:11:27,073 THAT SHIT TASTES LIKE MOLASSES AND STRUGGLE. 224 00:11:27,066 --> 00:11:29,166 I'M NOT MAKING THIS UP. 225 00:11:29,166 --> 00:11:31,866 Y'ALL, THAT SHIT IS TRUE. 226 00:11:31,867 --> 00:11:33,327 YOU COULD PUT A JAR OF CANDIES RIGHT HERE. 227 00:11:33,333 --> 00:11:35,203 ALL THE COLORS OF THE WORLD, YOU HAVE A COUPLE, 228 00:11:35,200 --> 00:11:38,930 YOU COME BACK HALF AN HOUR LATER, THAT SHIT NEVER FAILS. 229 00:11:38,934 --> 00:11:42,304 JUST THE BLACK ONES LEFT STARING AT YOU. 230 00:11:42,300 --> 00:11:44,200 AND THEY JUST LOOKING AT YOU LIKE, "WE CANDIES, 231 00:11:44,200 --> 00:11:47,500 NOT JOB APPLICANTS. GIVE US A SHOT." 232 00:11:47,500 --> 00:11:49,230 HEY, I WANT TO THANK Y'ALL, DEF COMEDY JAM. 233 00:11:49,233 --> 00:11:51,473 BE GOOD. BE FAST. 234 00:11:59,100 --> 00:12:01,200 - THAT WAS SOME FUNNY SHIT. 235 00:12:01,200 --> 00:12:04,300 HE RIGHT, MAN. RACISM EXISTS. LIKE EVERYBODY... 236 00:12:04,300 --> 00:12:06,200 YOU EVER NOTICE, EVERYBODY WANT TO BE BLACK 237 00:12:06,200 --> 00:12:09,300 TILL THE POLICE ROLL UP, THEN NOBODY WANT TO BE BLACK? 238 00:12:09,300 --> 00:12:11,500 EVEN BLACK PEOPLE. "SHIT. I'M CREOLE. 239 00:12:11,500 --> 00:12:14,500 I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK THEM NIGGAS IS." 240 00:12:14,500 --> 00:12:17,100 WHITE FOLK LAY IN THE SUN TO GET TANS, WHICH IS DUMB, 241 00:12:17,100 --> 00:12:19,530 BECAUSE TANS NEVER DONE US A BIT OF GOOD. 242 00:12:19,533 --> 00:12:20,833 FUCK AROUND, LAY UP THERE, GET DARK. 243 00:12:20,834 --> 00:12:23,274 TO ME, YOU'D BE LAID OFF MONDAY. 244 00:12:24,567 --> 00:12:28,227 "CAN WE SEE YOU IN THE OFFICE FOR MINUTE? 245 00:12:28,233 --> 00:12:30,073 YOU'RE SCARING THE CUSTOMERS." 246 00:12:32,533 --> 00:12:34,073 HE FROM THE CARIBBEAN. I LIKE THE CARIBBEAN, MAN. 247 00:12:34,066 --> 00:12:36,596 I DO, MAN. I DON'T LIKE CRUISING THERE, 248 00:12:36,600 --> 00:12:38,170 'CAUSE ALL THEM FUCKING ISLANDS LOOK ALIKE. 249 00:12:38,166 --> 00:12:40,566 I DON'T EVEN THINK THAT BOAT WENT NO GODDAMN WHERE. 250 00:12:40,567 --> 00:12:44,327 JUST...WAIT FOR EVERYBODY TO FALL ASLEEP AND PULL BACK IN. 251 00:12:44,333 --> 00:12:46,573 "IS THIS...? 252 00:12:46,567 --> 00:12:50,967 "IS THIS JAMAICA?" "YEAH, MAN. YEAH, YEAH." 253 00:12:50,967 --> 00:12:53,297 "YOU MOTHERFUCKERS GOT A FIGUEROA IN JAMAICA?" 254 00:12:53,300 --> 00:12:55,730 [LAUGHS] 255 00:12:55,734 --> 00:12:58,374 "I DIDN'T KNOW THEY HAD A NIX CHECK CASHING IN JAMAICA." 256 00:12:58,367 --> 00:13:00,467 [LAUGHS] 257 00:13:00,467 --> 00:13:03,227 ALL RIGHT. THE SUM TOTAL OF HER PARTS EQUALS 258 00:13:03,233 --> 00:13:05,573 ONE FUNNY-ASS LADY. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, 259 00:13:05,567 --> 00:13:07,497 PLEASE PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER LOUD AND STRONG 260 00:13:07,500 --> 00:13:09,170 FOR VANESSA FRACTION! 261 00:13:09,166 --> 00:13:10,666 - BREAK IT DOWN! 262 00:13:18,834 --> 00:13:22,304 - HEY, WHAT IT IS, PARTY PEOPLE. MAKE SOME NOISE REAL QUICK. 263 00:13:22,300 --> 00:13:25,170 YAY! 264 00:13:25,166 --> 00:13:26,266 LOOK, I WANT TO JUST SAY SOMETHING REAL QUICK. 265 00:13:26,266 --> 00:13:27,926 I BELIEVE IT'S A MISUNDERSTANDING 266 00:13:27,934 --> 00:13:29,104 BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN. 267 00:13:29,100 --> 00:13:31,400 I FEEL LIKE WE CAN GET ALONG A HELL OF A LOT BETTER 268 00:13:31,400 --> 00:13:33,800 THAN WHAT WE DOING. WE JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND SOME SHIT 269 00:13:33,800 --> 00:13:35,130 ABOUT EACH OTHER. 270 00:13:35,133 --> 00:13:37,203 LIKE MEN, I BELIEVE Y'ALL TRY TOO HARD. 271 00:13:37,200 --> 00:13:40,500 Y'ALL THINK THAT WOMEN WANT THE WORLD--DIAMONDS AND PEARLS. 272 00:13:40,500 --> 00:13:42,370 AND SHIT, WE DO. 273 00:13:42,367 --> 00:13:44,797 BUT AT THE SAME TIME, WE VERY REALISTIC. 274 00:13:44,800 --> 00:13:47,100 WE UNDERSTAND, BABY. YOU NOT GOING TO HAVE THE WORLD. 275 00:13:47,100 --> 00:13:49,370 YOU KNOW WHY? 'CAUSE WE AIN'T GOT THE WORLD. 276 00:13:49,367 --> 00:13:51,227 WE DON'T EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THAT. 277 00:13:51,233 --> 00:13:53,673 ALL WE REALLY WANT YOU TO HAVE IS AN "AT LEAST." 278 00:13:53,667 --> 00:13:57,797 YOU AIN'T GOT TO HAVE EVERYTHING, WE JUST WANT YOU TO HAVE AN AT LEAST. 279 00:13:57,800 --> 00:14:00,130 I KNOW A LOT OF MEN-- 280 00:14:00,133 --> 00:14:03,503 DON'T WORRY, LADIES. THEY AIN'T CAUGHT ON YET. 281 00:14:03,500 --> 00:14:06,100 THE MEN LOOKING LIKE, "WHAT THE FUCK IS AN AT LEAST?" 282 00:14:06,100 --> 00:14:08,530 LET ME HELP YOU OUT. LADIES, HAVE YOU EVER 283 00:14:08,533 --> 00:14:11,433 MET SOMEBODY, WHERE YOU BE LIKE, "OOH! THIS NIGGA 284 00:14:11,433 --> 00:14:15,303 AIN'T EVEN CUTE, BUT AT LEAST HE GOT A JOB!" 285 00:14:15,300 --> 00:14:18,530 YOU...YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. AT LEAST HE GOT A CAR. 286 00:14:18,533 --> 00:14:20,203 COME PICK ME UP EVERY NOW AND AGAIN. 287 00:14:20,200 --> 00:14:22,730 AT LEAST HE GOT A HOUSE. I COULD PUT MY FEET UP. 288 00:14:22,734 --> 00:14:25,334 BUT AT LEAST, HE GOT SOMETHING. IT'S NOT A LOT. 289 00:14:25,333 --> 00:14:27,533 IT'S AN AT LEAST. 290 00:14:27,533 --> 00:14:29,103 I DON'T CARE IF IT'S AN AT LEAST YOU GOT A WEED HOOKUP. 291 00:14:29,100 --> 00:14:32,470 NIGGA, COME WITH SOMETHING TO THE TABLE! 292 00:14:32,467 --> 00:14:34,127 WE CAN WORK IT OUT. 293 00:14:34,133 --> 00:14:36,733 BROTHERS, Y'ALL BE CONCENTRATING ON THE WRONG SHIT. 294 00:14:36,734 --> 00:14:38,934 I DON'T GIVE A FUCK IF YOU PULL UP ON A CAMEL, 295 00:14:38,934 --> 00:14:41,534 I'M GONNA GET ON THE BITCH. I JUST DON'T WANT TO WALK. 296 00:14:41,533 --> 00:14:43,273 YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? 297 00:14:43,266 --> 00:14:44,996 HELP YOU TAKE CARE OF THE MOTHERFUCKER, 298 00:14:45,000 --> 00:14:49,000 HELP YOU WATER IT AND SHIT. I LIKE CAMELS. 299 00:14:49,000 --> 00:14:51,130 WE'LL WORK IT OUT BETWEEN US, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? 300 00:14:51,133 --> 00:14:52,733 I'M GONNA SAY THIS TO THE LADIES: 301 00:14:52,734 --> 00:14:54,974 WE NEED TO LET THE SECRET OUT. WE KNOW WE WANT NOTHING MORE 302 00:14:54,967 --> 00:14:58,327 THAN TO MOTIVATE, ENCOURAGE, AND SUPPORT OUR MAN. 303 00:14:58,333 --> 00:15:02,633 AIN'T THAT THE TRUTH? COME ON AND CLAP IT UP. 304 00:15:02,633 --> 00:15:07,273 WE JUST NEED A REASON, NIGGAS. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? 305 00:15:07,266 --> 00:15:10,296 BUT...LET ME SAY THIS TO ENCOURAGE YOU, THOUGH, 306 00:15:10,300 --> 00:15:12,470 'CAUSE BROTHERS, IF THE BROTHERS IS COMING WITH THE AT LEAST, 307 00:15:12,467 --> 00:15:14,197 LADIES, WE AT LEAST NEED TO DO WHAT IT TAKES 308 00:15:14,200 --> 00:15:16,000 TO MAKE IT RIGHT FOR THEM. 309 00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:18,900 LET ME GIVE YOU A SCENARIO WHERE IT'LL WORK OUT FOR THE BOTH OF US. 310 00:15:18,900 --> 00:15:21,070 LET'S SAY, BROTHER, YOU COME IN THE HOUSE AND YOU LIKE, 311 00:15:21,066 --> 00:15:24,996 YOU KNOW, "YOU KNOW, BABY, I KNOW WE BEEN STRUGGLING ON THE BILLS, 312 00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:27,070 "I KNOW WE AIN'T HAD A LOT OF MONEY. 313 00:15:27,066 --> 00:15:29,196 "YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? IT'S BEEN TIGHT AROUND HERE. 314 00:15:29,200 --> 00:15:31,770 "WE BEEN ARGUING AND SHIT. SO, UM.. 315 00:15:31,767 --> 00:15:36,627 "THIS MORNING I GOT UP. I WENT TO THE JOB. 316 00:15:36,633 --> 00:15:37,973 AND I WENT FOR THE PROMOTION." 317 00:15:37,967 --> 00:15:39,267 - WHOO! 318 00:15:39,266 --> 00:15:42,866 - BUT BABY, I AIN'T GET THE PROMOTION." 319 00:15:42,867 --> 00:15:46,027 GUESS WHAT? IF THAT WAS MY MAN, AT LEAST HE'S TRYING, 320 00:15:46,033 --> 00:15:48,933 AND GUESS WHAT? I WOULD SUCK HIS DICK. 321 00:15:48,934 --> 00:15:52,734 YES, I WOULD. YES, I WOULD. 322 00:15:52,734 --> 00:15:55,874 Y'ALL DON'T HEAR ME YET. BUT LET ME TELL YOU WHY. 323 00:15:55,867 --> 00:15:58,867 BECAUSE AT THIS POINT, THIS MAN NEEDS MOTIVATION. 324 00:15:58,867 --> 00:16:01,197 HE NEEDS ENCOURAGEMENT AND SUPPORT. 325 00:16:01,200 --> 00:16:03,030 HE NEEDS TO KNOW THAT TOMORROW'S ANOTHER DAY. 326 00:16:03,033 --> 00:16:05,373 MAYBE LOOK AT HIS BOSS IN THE FACE, SIT HIS ASS DOWN, 327 00:16:05,367 --> 00:16:08,097 AND KEEP ON WORKING, MAYBE LOOK IN THE PAPER AND FIND HIMSELF ANOTHER JOB, 328 00:16:08,100 --> 00:16:13,000 BUT I'M GONNA SUCK HIS DICK UNTIL HE FEELS BETTER! 329 00:16:13,000 --> 00:16:15,370 AND SEE, NO, NO, NO, NO. 330 00:16:15,367 --> 00:16:18,667 THERE'S STILL SOME DRY DICKS IN DEF JAM TONIGHT. 331 00:16:18,667 --> 00:16:20,167 Y'ALL REALLY DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING. 332 00:16:20,166 --> 00:16:23,166 BUT MY WHOLE POINT IN THIS IS, IF I CANNOT SUCK YOUR DICK 333 00:16:23,166 --> 00:16:26,566 INTO EMPLOYMENT, WHAT BETTER REASON DO I HAVE 334 00:16:26,567 --> 00:16:28,027 TO BE SUCKING YOUR DICK? 335 00:16:28,033 --> 00:16:31,033 I'M NOT HERE JUST SUCKING DICK FOR DICK SUCKING'S SAKE! 336 00:16:31,033 --> 00:16:33,073 I GOT PURPOSE. I'M GOAL-ORIENTED. 337 00:16:33,066 --> 00:16:34,926 I'M STRIVING TOWARDS SOME SHIT. 338 00:16:34,934 --> 00:16:37,834 I'M TRYING TO MAKE IT BETTER FOR YOU AND ME. 339 00:16:40,467 --> 00:16:43,427 ALL THE FRIVOLOUS DICK-SUCKING WON'T DO, BABY. 340 00:16:43,433 --> 00:16:46,003 CAN'T KEEP GOING FRIVOLOUS DICK-SUCKING. 341 00:16:46,000 --> 00:16:47,500 IT WON'T WORK OUT, BABY. 342 00:16:47,500 --> 00:16:49,700 IT WON'T WORK OUT. 343 00:16:49,700 --> 00:16:51,600 THEY GOT SHIT OUT HERE, TALK ABOUT WOMEN IS GOLD DIGGERS, 344 00:16:51,600 --> 00:16:53,100 WOMEN IS GOLD DIGGERS. 345 00:16:53,100 --> 00:16:55,970 WE NOT GOLD DIGGERS. WE JUST TRYING TO LIVE, NIGGA. 346 00:16:55,967 --> 00:16:58,227 I CANNOT SUCK YOUR DICK IN THE DARK. 347 00:16:58,233 --> 00:17:02,603 CAN I GET $20 ON A LIGHT BILL? THAT'S ALL I'M TRYING TO SAY. 348 00:17:06,734 --> 00:17:09,734 WE CAN WORK IT OUT BETWEENST THE TWO OF US, YOU KNOW? 349 00:17:09,734 --> 00:17:12,004 I'M GONNA SAY THIS TO ENCOURAGE THE WOMEN. 350 00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:15,030 I HEAR ALL THE TIME THAT MEN DON'T CHEAT ON US BECAUSE THEY DON'T LOVE US. 351 00:17:15,033 --> 00:17:16,233 IT'S NOT THAT THEY DON'T LOVE US. 352 00:17:16,233 --> 00:17:18,133 IT'S JUST THAT THEY WANT SOMETHING DIFFERENT. 353 00:17:18,133 --> 00:17:20,303 SO IT DON'T MEAN THAT IT'S BETTER THAN YOURS, BABY. 354 00:17:20,300 --> 00:17:21,600 IT'S JUST A LITTLE DIFFERENT. 355 00:17:21,600 --> 00:17:22,970 MIGHT BE A LITTLE WETTER, LITTLE TIGHTER, LITTLE DRIER, 356 00:17:22,967 --> 00:17:24,527 LITTLE LOOSER, BITCH, I DON'T KNOW. IT AIN'T YOURS. 357 00:17:24,533 --> 00:17:28,573 YOU KNOW? I HAD TO BE REAL WITH MYSELF AND FIND OUT THAT 358 00:17:28,567 --> 00:17:31,627 YOU KNOW WHAT? I AIN'T GOT THE BEST PUSSY IN THE WORLD. 359 00:17:31,633 --> 00:17:33,103 Y'ALL GOT QUIET, LIKE, "SHE DON'T? 360 00:17:33,100 --> 00:17:34,770 LIKE YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME. 361 00:17:34,767 --> 00:17:39,897 I GOT SHORTS ON. I CAN'T PROVE IT RIGHT NOW, BUT LOOK, 362 00:17:39,900 --> 00:17:41,700 BUT I WANT TO SAY I HAD TO BE REAL. 363 00:17:41,700 --> 00:17:44,170 I AIN'T GOT THE BEST PUSSY IN THE WORLD. IT'S GOOD. 364 00:17:44,166 --> 00:17:46,396 BUT IT'S NOT THE BEST. AND HOW I KNOW THAT IS 365 00:17:46,400 --> 00:17:49,170 BECAUSE MEN DO CRAZY SHIT OVER PUSSY. 366 00:17:49,166 --> 00:17:52,066 EVERYBODY IN HERE KNOWS SOMEBODY THAT LOST THEIR MIND 367 00:17:52,066 --> 00:17:53,896 OVER SOME PUSSY. 368 00:17:53,900 --> 00:17:57,100 IN JAIL RIGHT NOW OVER SOME PUSSY. 369 00:17:57,100 --> 00:17:59,700 GOT AN ASSAULT CHARGE AND, YOU KNOW, PUTS HANDS ON SOMEBODY. 370 00:17:59,700 --> 00:18:02,070 I KNOW A NIGGA WENT ON A KILLING SPREE, 371 00:18:02,066 --> 00:18:07,626 ON DEATH ROW RIGHT NOW OVER SOME PUSSY. 372 00:18:07,633 --> 00:18:13,103 I SAID TO MYSELF, "WHAT KIND OF PUSSY IS THAT?" 373 00:18:13,100 --> 00:18:16,830 WHAT IF THAT PUSSY MAKE YOU KILL SOMEBODY? 374 00:18:16,834 --> 00:18:19,774 WHAT IS THAT MURDEROUS PUSSY? 375 00:18:19,767 --> 00:18:23,167 I AIN'T GOT NO MURDEROUS PUSSY. I DON'T EVEN THINK I WANT THAT DEMON PUSSY. 376 00:18:23,166 --> 00:18:26,026 WHAT PUT THAT IN YOU LIKE THAT? 377 00:18:26,033 --> 00:18:28,703 GOT NO MURDEROUS PUSSY. 378 00:18:28,700 --> 00:18:30,870 I GOT LIKE FISTICUFF PUSSY, YOU KNOW? 379 00:18:30,867 --> 00:18:34,797 NIGGAS BE FIGHTING OVER MY SHIT, BUT THEY AIN'T GONNA GO TO JAIL. 380 00:18:34,800 --> 00:18:37,270 I GOT BAR FIGHT PUSSY. 381 00:18:37,266 --> 00:18:39,066 A NIGGA WILL TEAR THE CLUB UP ABOUT MY SHIT, 382 00:18:39,066 --> 00:18:41,326 BUT HE AIN'T GONNA KILL NOBODY. 383 00:18:41,333 --> 00:18:46,503 I GOT MISDEMEANOR, HOUSE-ARREST, PAROLE-TYPE PUSSY. 384 00:18:46,500 --> 00:18:50,170 THIS COMMUNITY SERVICE PUSSY. 385 00:18:50,166 --> 00:18:53,166 THIS AIN'T SO HOMICIDAL, CSI-TYPE PUSSY. 386 00:18:53,166 --> 00:18:55,426 THAT AIN'T THE TYPE OF PUSSY I POSSESS. 387 00:18:55,433 --> 00:18:58,373 I GOT THAT GET LOUD IN THE PARKING LOT TYPE PUSSY. 388 00:18:58,367 --> 00:19:01,597 I GOT THAT THROW A ROCK AND RUN TYPE OF PUSSY. 389 00:19:01,600 --> 00:19:03,800 I GOT THAT "I WISH YOU WOULD" TYPE PUSSY. 390 00:19:03,800 --> 00:19:05,870 LIKE, "I WISH YOU WOULD FUCK WITH MY BITCH!" 391 00:19:05,867 --> 00:19:08,697 LIKE YOU AIN'T GONNA DO SHIT. JUST BE LIKE, "I WISH YOU WOULD, 392 00:19:08,700 --> 00:19:10,670 MOTHER..." 393 00:19:12,166 --> 00:19:14,626 AIN'T GONNA DO SHIT. 394 00:19:14,633 --> 00:19:16,203 AND FOR THOSE OF Y'ALL THAT AIN'T LAUGHING, 395 00:19:16,200 --> 00:19:18,000 Y'ALL GONNA BE THE MAIN ONES GOING HOME MAKING A GAME 396 00:19:18,000 --> 00:19:20,900 CALLED "THAT'S MY PUSSY." 397 00:19:20,900 --> 00:19:23,970 SOME OF Y'ALL ARE GONNA BE LIKE, "I GOT DISHWASHING PUSSY. 398 00:19:23,967 --> 00:19:26,197 "HE BE WASHING DISHES ABOUT MY SHIT, 399 00:19:26,200 --> 00:19:27,670 BUT HE WON'T GO TO WORK" 400 00:19:27,667 --> 00:19:33,067 I BE LIKE, "DAMN, BITCH. THAT'S SOME PUSSY." 401 00:19:33,066 --> 00:19:36,566 THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR TIME. MY NAME IS VANESSA FRACTION. 402 00:19:36,567 --> 00:19:38,427 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 403 00:19:49,333 --> 00:19:53,373 - MURDERER PUSSY. GODDAMN! YOU KNOW THEY CALL THAT SOME PUSSY I GOT TO HAVE. 404 00:19:53,367 --> 00:19:57,427 FUCK THAT SHIT. I GOT BAIL MONEY. FUCK Y'ALL. SHIT. 405 00:19:57,433 --> 00:19:59,373 FUCK YOU. 406 00:19:59,367 --> 00:20:01,927 I'LL BE IN JAIL HAPPIER THAN A MOTHERFUCKER. 407 00:20:01,934 --> 00:20:04,774 FUCK THAT--Y'ALL DON'T FORGET. SHE'S A COMEDIENNE. 408 00:20:04,767 --> 00:20:07,467 DON'T Y'ALL TRY THAT "AT LEAST" SHIT AT HOME. 409 00:20:07,467 --> 00:20:10,397 FUCK WRONG, GET THE SHIT KNOCKED OUT OF YOU. 410 00:20:10,400 --> 00:20:12,700 "I GOT A BLACK EYE." 411 00:20:12,700 --> 00:20:15,330 "WELL, AT LEAST I DIDN'T HIT YOU IN YOUR OTHER EYE." 412 00:20:20,633 --> 00:20:22,873 THIS CAT RIGHT HERE IS WITHOUT A DOUBT 413 00:20:22,867 --> 00:20:24,867 ONE OF MY FAVORITE COMICS IN THE COUNTRY. 414 00:20:24,867 --> 00:20:27,927 HE'S A BAD YOUNG CAT. YOU'VE SEEN HIM ON NBC'S "THE OFFICE." 415 00:20:27,934 --> 00:20:29,974 FROM BOSTON, PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER LOUD AND STRONG 416 00:20:29,967 --> 00:20:33,027 FOR MY CAT--PATRICE O'NEAL. 417 00:20:40,433 --> 00:20:43,373 - YES. WOMEN POWER. 418 00:20:43,367 --> 00:20:44,927 FANTASTIC. 419 00:20:44,934 --> 00:20:46,474 HERE'S WHAT I FOUND OUT ABOUT MY GIRL: 420 00:20:46,467 --> 00:20:48,097 SHE BEEN WITH ME FOR 5 YEARS. 421 00:20:48,100 --> 00:20:50,970 I ONLY BEEN WITH HER FOR 8 MONTHS. 422 00:20:53,967 --> 00:20:57,067 I'M LOOKING AT HER LIKE, "BITCH, YOU DIDN'T REALIZE 423 00:20:57,066 --> 00:21:02,226 YOU WAS A HO FOR 4 YEARS AND 4 MONTHS?" 424 00:21:02,233 --> 00:21:05,033 WOMEN LOVE A LITTLE BETTER. 425 00:21:05,033 --> 00:21:07,103 Y'ALL LOVE BETTER THAN US. 426 00:21:07,100 --> 00:21:09,430 YOU EVER GET SICK AND SHIT? YOU GOT SOMETHING. 427 00:21:09,433 --> 00:21:12,073 YOU SHOULD GO TO THE HOSPITAL, BUT NIGGAS DON'T GO TO THE HOSPITAL. 428 00:21:12,066 --> 00:21:14,796 SO YOU JUST LIKE, "OH, SHIT. I'M GETTING READY TO DIE. 429 00:21:14,800 --> 00:21:16,670 I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK'S GOING ON." 430 00:21:16,667 --> 00:21:19,327 YOU COUGHING. AND THEN YOUR GIRL COME IN, 431 00:21:19,333 --> 00:21:22,033 AND SHE LOOK AT YOU LIKE, "MOTHERFUCKER, YOU AIN'T GONNA DIE. 432 00:21:22,033 --> 00:21:23,573 "I'M GONNA SAVE YOU. OH, MY GOD. 433 00:21:23,567 --> 00:21:26,367 "I'M GONNA GET YOU SOUP. I'M GONNA KISS YOUR BACK. 434 00:21:26,367 --> 00:21:28,597 I DON'T GIVE A FUCK IF I CATCH WHAT YOU GOT." 435 00:21:28,600 --> 00:21:30,630 AND SHE GET YOU THROUGH THAT SICKNESS. 436 00:21:30,633 --> 00:21:33,473 THE SHE GET SICK. AND YOU BE LIKE, 437 00:21:33,467 --> 00:21:39,827 "GODDAMN! 438 00:21:39,834 --> 00:21:44,874 "BITCH, YOU CAN'T MAKE SOUP. YOU THAT SICK. 439 00:21:44,867 --> 00:21:47,897 [LAUGHS] 440 00:21:47,900 --> 00:21:49,730 "HOLY SHIT! I CAN'T CATCH THIS AGAIN. 441 00:21:49,734 --> 00:21:54,474 I TOOK A WEEK OFF WHEN I HAD IT LAST WEEK, BITCH!" 442 00:21:54,467 --> 00:21:56,427 HERE'S SOMETHING Y'ALL GOT TO UNDERSTAND, NIGGAS. 443 00:21:56,433 --> 00:21:58,503 Y'ALL THINK YOU KNOW ME. YOU DON'T KNOW A GODDAMN FUCKING 444 00:21:58,500 --> 00:22:00,300 THING 'CAUSE YOU DON'T NEED TO KNOW. 445 00:22:03,567 --> 00:22:05,097 WE NEED TO KNOW ABOUT YOU. 446 00:22:05,100 --> 00:22:06,770 SENSE OF HUMOR. 447 00:22:06,767 --> 00:22:07,997 THIS IS IF YOU WANT US TO LIKE YOU. 448 00:22:08,000 --> 00:22:09,700 I MEAN, YOU CAN GO AROUND AND DO WHAT YOU DO. 449 00:22:09,700 --> 00:22:11,930 BUT IF YOU REALLY WANT TO LIKE US, THIS IS WHAT... 450 00:22:11,934 --> 00:22:14,604 MEN'S SENSE OF HUMOR'S BASED ON THIS, THIS IS THE PRINCIPLE: 451 00:22:14,600 --> 00:22:18,900 IT'S--WE'RE PHILOSOPHICAL ABOUT DUMB SHIT. 452 00:22:18,900 --> 00:22:20,270 WE'RE PHILOSOPHICAL ABOUT SHIT. WE'RE VERY THOUGHTFUL ABOUT 453 00:22:20,266 --> 00:22:22,126 SHIT THAT MEANS NOTHING. 454 00:22:22,133 --> 00:22:24,933 HERE'S A CONVERSATION TWO DUDES CAN HAVE IF WOMEN WEREN'T AROUND 455 00:22:24,934 --> 00:22:27,604 TO FUCK UP THE FUN OF THE CONVERSATION. 456 00:22:29,867 --> 00:22:32,727 I CAN LOOK AT YOU AND GO, "HEY, YO. HEY, WOULD YOU FUCKIN' BITCH IF SHE DIDN'T HAVE A NOSE?" 457 00:22:32,734 --> 00:22:38,074 AND...LOOK...WAIT. 458 00:22:38,066 --> 00:22:39,896 BUT HERE'S WHAT HE'LL DO. HE'LL DO THIS. 459 00:22:49,800 --> 00:22:54,000 "WHAT YOU MEAN--NO NOSE? LIKE THE TIP IS GONE?" 460 00:22:54,000 --> 00:22:56,830 "NAW, NIGGA. A HOLE IN THE FACE LIKE A SKELETON." 461 00:23:04,400 --> 00:23:06,870 "CAN I COVER THE HOLE WITH MY HAND AND SHIT? 462 00:23:06,867 --> 00:23:08,697 "NAW, NIGGA, YOU GOT TO FUCK HER 463 00:23:08,700 --> 00:23:11,570 AND LOOK HER RIGHT IN THE HOLE IN THE FACE." 464 00:23:15,500 --> 00:23:17,700 "WHAT SHE LOOK LIKE, OTHER THAN THE HOLE IN THE FACE?" 465 00:23:17,700 --> 00:23:19,300 "SHE FINE AS A MOTHERFUCKER." 466 00:23:19,300 --> 00:23:22,070 "UH...ALL RIGHT, NIGGA. I'LL FUCK A BITCH WITHOUT A NOSE." 467 00:23:22,066 --> 00:23:23,596 NOW... 468 00:23:23,600 --> 00:23:25,930 ASK YOUR GIRL THAT SHIT, 'CAUSE YOU'RE TRYING TO... 469 00:23:25,934 --> 00:23:27,604 "WOULD YOU FUCK A GUY WITHOUT A NOSE?" 470 00:23:27,600 --> 00:23:29,900 "I COULDN'T FUCK A GUY WITHOUT A NOSE. 471 00:23:29,900 --> 00:23:31,830 "THAT SHIT'S STUPID. 472 00:23:31,834 --> 00:23:33,334 "YOU CAN'T...[STAMMERING] 473 00:23:33,333 --> 00:23:35,133 "FUCKING NOSE. 474 00:23:35,133 --> 00:23:37,573 "YOU CAN'T KEEP BREATHING WITHOUT A NOSE. 475 00:23:37,567 --> 00:23:40,597 "YOU'RE GONNA DIE IF YOU DON'T HAVE A NOSE. 476 00:23:40,600 --> 00:23:44,970 HOW CAN YOU NOT TAKE HIM TO THE HOSPITAL...NOSE?" 477 00:23:48,000 --> 00:23:50,600 "CAN YOU JUST BE HYPOTHETICAL FOR 5 MINUTES, BITCH? 478 00:23:50,600 --> 00:23:54,170 HYPOTHETICAL. THAT'S WHY WE DO IT." 479 00:23:54,166 --> 00:23:58,266 "TRANSFORMERS? THAT'S STUPID. A COPTER AND A ROBOT..." 480 00:23:58,266 --> 00:24:00,666 [STAMMERING] 481 00:24:05,900 --> 00:24:08,200 Y'ALL WILL LEARN. 482 00:24:08,200 --> 00:24:10,070 OH, HERE'S SOMETHING ELSE. HERE'S SOMETHING FOR YOU. 483 00:24:10,066 --> 00:24:11,666 SERIOUS. IF YOU WANT TO KNOW. 484 00:24:11,667 --> 00:24:14,267 UM, HERE'S HOW YOU LEARN HOW TO MAKE YOUR MAN LIKE YOU 485 00:24:14,266 --> 00:24:18,096 AND DESIRE WHAT YOU WANT, WHICH IS LOVE. 486 00:24:18,100 --> 00:24:19,300 ALL RIGHT. 487 00:24:19,300 --> 00:24:22,270 EQUATE HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT YOUR VAGINA 488 00:24:22,266 --> 00:24:24,766 TO HOW WE FEEL ABOUT OUR TIME AND OUR SPACE. 489 00:24:24,767 --> 00:24:26,327 YOU UNDERSTAND? 490 00:24:26,333 --> 00:24:28,673 WHAT WE HAVE TO DO TO GET PUSSY, THE THINGS WE HAVE TO DO NOW, 491 00:24:28,667 --> 00:24:31,797 I CAN'T FUCK YOU AGAINST YOUR WILL. 492 00:24:31,800 --> 00:24:33,630 YOU GOT TO DESIRE TO WANT TO FUCK ME. 493 00:24:33,633 --> 00:24:36,133 IF I FUCK YOU AGAINST YOUR WILL, THAT'S RAPE. 494 00:24:36,133 --> 00:24:38,273 NOW, IF I'M ON THE PHONE, I SAY, "LOOK, I GOT TO GO. 495 00:24:38,266 --> 00:24:39,926 AND YOU SAY, "WHY YOU GOT TO GO? 496 00:24:39,934 --> 00:24:41,074 I WANT TO TALK TO YOU SOME MORE." 497 00:24:41,066 --> 00:24:46,396 YOU ARE RAPING MY TIME. 498 00:24:46,400 --> 00:24:49,130 YOU ARE... 499 00:24:49,133 --> 00:24:52,073 TAKING SOMETHING FROM ME. 500 00:24:52,066 --> 00:24:55,396 NO MEANS NO, BITCH. I SAID I GOT TO GO! 501 00:24:58,767 --> 00:25:01,867 WHY ARE YOU FORCING ME TO STAY ON THE PHONE AND TALK TO YOU? 502 00:25:01,867 --> 00:25:04,567 ABOUT NOTHING? 503 00:25:04,567 --> 00:25:07,627 [LAUGHS] 504 00:25:10,700 --> 00:25:13,170 A LOT OF BLACK WOMEN HERE. YOU WONDER WHY LOT OF MOTHERFUCKERS FUCK WHITE GIRLS? 505 00:25:13,166 --> 00:25:15,666 HERE IT IS. 506 00:25:15,667 --> 00:25:18,467 WHITE WOMEN. I'M SERIOUS, YOU JUST DO THIS, 507 00:25:18,467 --> 00:25:24,197 BECAUSE MEN LOVE PUSSY IN GENERAL, SO WE TRY TO LEARN ABOUT IT ALL. 508 00:25:24,200 --> 00:25:29,500 WHITE WOMEN ARE ABOUT 15-20 YEARS AHEAD OF Y'ALL 509 00:25:29,500 --> 00:25:32,800 IN DOING NASTY SHIT. 510 00:25:39,600 --> 00:25:42,700 HOLD ON. BLACK WOMEN JUST STARTED TAKING IT IN THE ASS, WHEN? WHAT? 511 00:25:42,700 --> 00:25:45,600 12-13 YEARS AGO WHEN HENNESSEE GOT POPULAR? 512 00:25:45,600 --> 00:25:48,900 WHEN HENNESSEE GOT POPULAR, Y'ALL WOULD TAKE IT IN THE ASS. 513 00:25:48,900 --> 00:25:51,700 WHEN I WAS 19, I COULDN'T EVEN DO THE WET THUMB. 514 00:25:51,700 --> 00:25:53,670 IF I WAS FUCKING LIKE-- I COULDN'T EVEN DO THIS 515 00:25:53,667 --> 00:25:54,827 AND STICK IT IN THE ASSHOLE. 516 00:25:54,834 --> 00:25:57,234 I HAD A BITCH HAVE A BUTT-NAKED MEETING WITH ME 517 00:25:57,233 --> 00:25:59,633 WHEN I TRIED TO PUT A THUMB IN HER ASS, SHE STOPPED ME, 518 00:25:59,633 --> 00:26:01,103 WAS ALL, "WHY WOULD YOU...? 519 00:26:07,000 --> 00:26:10,530 "WHY WOULD YOU PUT YOUR THUMB IN MY ASSHOLE? SERIOUS, NO. 520 00:26:10,533 --> 00:26:12,133 "YOU TALK TO ME. 521 00:26:12,133 --> 00:26:15,203 'CAUSE YOU GET HEPATITIS AND ALL TYPE OF SHIT FROM THAT." 522 00:26:19,133 --> 00:26:21,803 AND YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY. "I DON'T KNOW. 523 00:26:21,800 --> 00:26:23,230 "I JUST FELT LIKE PUTTING MY THUMB IN YOUR ASSHOLE. 524 00:26:23,233 --> 00:26:25,133 "IT WAS THERE. I JUST WAS GONNA SMOOSH IT IN. 525 00:26:25,133 --> 00:26:28,203 AND IT'S JUST THERE." 526 00:26:28,200 --> 00:26:29,700 THAT'S WHAT IT IS. 527 00:26:29,700 --> 00:26:32,070 YOU HEAR WOMEN GOING, "EW." HERE'S THE LESSON. 528 00:26:32,066 --> 00:26:39,826 ANYTHING SELFISH THAT YOU GO, "EW," DO THAT. 529 00:26:39,834 --> 00:26:43,634 DON'T BE PRETTY WITH IT. LOOKIT, I WANT A GIRL, 530 00:26:43,633 --> 00:26:45,333 WHEN SHE'S SUCKING MY DICK, I WANT HER TO LOOK 531 00:26:45,333 --> 00:26:54,073 LIKE A UGLY MOTHERFUCKER PLAYING DICE. 532 00:26:54,066 --> 00:26:56,226 AND SPIT ON IT. 533 00:26:58,667 --> 00:27:01,327 AND CHOKE ON IT A LITTLE BIT. WE LIKE THAT, TOO. 534 00:27:01,333 --> 00:27:03,233 [HOCKS SPIT] THAT'S SEXY. 535 00:27:04,400 --> 00:27:06,370 [HOCKS SPIT] 536 00:27:06,367 --> 00:27:08,167 I GOTTA GO, MAN. Y'ALL TAKE CARE. 537 00:27:08,166 --> 00:27:09,766 THANK YOU. 538 00:27:23,467 --> 00:27:24,527 - HAVE Y'ALL HAD A GOOD TIME? 539 00:27:24,533 --> 00:27:25,803 [CHEERS] 540 00:27:25,800 --> 00:27:27,730 Y'ALL AIN'T HEARD ME Y'ALL HAVE A GOOD TIME? 541 00:27:27,734 --> 00:27:29,874 STAND UP AND LET 'EM KNOW IT. STAND UP. 542 00:27:29,867 --> 00:27:31,967 PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR THE MAN WHO MADE IT POSSIBLE-- 543 00:27:31,967 --> 00:27:34,327 RUSSELL SIMMONS. 544 00:27:34,333 --> 00:27:37,003 - THANK YOU FOR COMING OUT. GOD BLESS YOU. GOOD NIGHT. 545 00:27:37,000 --> 00:27:40,070 CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY HOME BOX OFFICE, INC. 546 00:27:40,066 --> 00:27:41,626 CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE --www.ncicap.org-- 547 00:27:41,676 --> 00:27:46,226 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 43227

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