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1
00:00:17,400 --> 00:00:20,030
Kid Capri:
IT'S THE ONE AND ONLY "RUSSELL SIMMONS
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00:00:20,033 --> 00:00:22,203
DEF COMEDY JAM,"
3
00:00:22,200 --> 00:00:25,070
WITH YOUR HOST,
MIKE EPPS.
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00:00:25,066 --> 00:00:27,026
TONIGHT'S GUESTS--
T-REXX,
5
00:00:27,033 --> 00:00:30,133
CHRIS SPENCER,
COREY HOLCOMB,
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00:00:30,133 --> 00:00:32,373
AND JOE TORRY.
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00:00:34,800 --> 00:00:38,500
I AM YOUR MAN,
THE WORLD'S GREATEST DJ, THE KID CAPRI.
8
00:00:38,500 --> 00:00:41,130
- AND WE ARE BACK.
- ( audience cheering )
9
00:00:42,400 --> 00:00:46,530
AND NOW YOUR HOST--
MIKE EPPS.
10
00:00:46,533 --> 00:00:49,733
( cheering )
11
00:00:53,633 --> 00:00:55,133
YEAH!
12
00:00:55,133 --> 00:00:58,333
ONE MORE TIME FOR
KID CAPRI, Y'ALL. KID CAPRI.
13
00:00:58,333 --> 00:01:00,703
( cheering )
14
00:01:01,633 --> 00:01:03,973
OH, SHIT.
15
00:01:03,967 --> 00:01:08,297
I'VE GOT ON SOME
PAJAMAS WITH THE FEET IN THEM RIGHT NOW.
16
00:01:08,300 --> 00:01:09,970
BOY, YOU ALL
LOOK GOOD.
17
00:01:09,967 --> 00:01:13,097
HOW Y'ALL DOING?
WHAT'S UP? WHAT'S UP?
18
00:01:13,100 --> 00:01:16,530
( cheering )
19
00:01:16,533 --> 00:01:19,803
LOOK AT THAT LITTLE
BOOGER MOVE RIGHT THERE-- BOOGER MOVE.
20
00:01:21,333 --> 00:01:24,073
HOW MANY OF Y'ALL HAVE EVER
WIPED A BOOGER ON YOUR FRIEND'S CAR SEAT?
21
00:01:24,066 --> 00:01:25,966
DON'T LIE,
MOTHERFUCKERS.
22
00:01:27,700 --> 00:01:31,630
WHAT, NO NAPKINS OR NOTHIN'?
I'M PUTTING THE BOOGER RIGHT HERE.
23
00:01:31,633 --> 00:01:33,273
FUCK YOU.
24
00:01:34,867 --> 00:01:38,097
Y'ALL DONE DID THAT SHIT
BEFORE TOO. THAT'S WHY YOU'RE LAUGHING.
25
00:01:39,667 --> 00:01:42,997
THIS LITTLE OUTFIT HOTTER
THAN A MOTHERFUCKER RIGHT HERE.
26
00:01:47,700 --> 00:01:50,100
MY GRANDMOTHER DON'T THINK
I'M IN SHOW BUSINESS.
27
00:01:50,100 --> 00:01:52,300
SHE THINKS I'M--
I TOLD HER I'M IN THE MOVIES.
28
00:01:52,300 --> 00:01:55,470
TALKING ABOUT, "YOU NEED
TO COME HOME AND FILL OUT AN APPLICATION OVER HERE."
29
00:01:55,467 --> 00:01:57,627
I SAID, "FUCK KROGER.
AIN'T NOBODY FILLING OUT--
30
00:01:57,633 --> 00:02:00,533
FILLING OUT NO MOTHERFUCKING
APPLICATION OVER THERE."
31
00:02:00,533 --> 00:02:04,273
GRANDMOTHERS KNOW
WHERE TO GET A JOB AT, DON'T THEY?
32
00:02:04,266 --> 00:02:06,966
"I TELL--
GO RIGHT UP THERE AT--
33
00:02:06,967 --> 00:02:09,727
FILL-- TAKE
AN APPLICATION RIGHT NOW.
34
00:02:11,066 --> 00:02:12,696
AIN'T NO REASON WHY YOU
SHOULDN'T BE UP THERE
35
00:02:12,700 --> 00:02:15,900
PUTTING IN AN
APPLICATION UP THERE. THEY'RE HIRING EVERYBODY.
36
00:02:17,066 --> 00:02:19,126
THEY HIRED JAY PETERSON
ON THE SPOT.
37
00:02:19,133 --> 00:02:21,773
PUT HIM RIGHT TO WORK.
38
00:02:24,200 --> 00:02:26,000
THEY GET 12
HOURS A WEEK.
39
00:02:26,000 --> 00:02:29,330
THEY PUT HIM
RIGHT TO WORK.
40
00:02:29,333 --> 00:02:32,473
I AIN'T GOT TO SIT UP
HERE AND LIE ABOUT NONE OF THAT."
41
00:02:33,867 --> 00:02:36,997
Y'ALL READY FOR
THE FIRST COMEDIAN?
42
00:02:37,000 --> 00:02:39,600
( cheering )
43
00:02:40,633 --> 00:02:43,103
GIVE IT UP
FOR T-REXX.
44
00:02:53,233 --> 00:02:55,003
KID CAPRI HOLDING IT DOWN
45
00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:57,230
FOR THE BEIGE MOTHERFUCKERS
IN 2006.
46
00:02:57,233 --> 00:03:01,003
( audience cheers )
47
00:03:01,000 --> 00:03:03,470
GOT TO CLEAR THAT UP
OFF THE BAT.
48
00:03:03,467 --> 00:03:05,827
A LOT OF YOU ARE LOOKING
AT ME LIKE YOU'RE STILL TRYING TO FIGURE OUT
49
00:03:05,834 --> 00:03:07,534
WHAT THE FUCK I AM.
50
00:03:07,533 --> 00:03:09,103
I'M HALF BLACK
AND HALF WHITE.
51
00:03:09,100 --> 00:03:11,630
LADIES, I AM BLACK
FROM THE WAIST DOWN,
52
00:03:11,633 --> 00:03:15,273
WHITE FROM
THE WALLET UP.
53
00:03:16,834 --> 00:03:19,734
BIG DICK AND GOOD CREDIT,
I'M RARE.
54
00:03:19,734 --> 00:03:23,034
I GO TO THE CLUB
AND TAKE MY DICK AND MY WALLET OUT AND STAND--
55
00:03:26,900 --> 00:03:28,830
I'M ORIGINALLY FROM
THE EAST COAST.
56
00:03:28,834 --> 00:03:30,904
MAN, I DON'T KNOW
HOW THE FUCK Y'ALL DOING THE TRAFFIC OUT HERE.
57
00:03:30,900 --> 00:03:32,500
HOW THE FUCK ARE
YOU ALL DEALING WITH THAT SHIT, MAN?
58
00:03:32,500 --> 00:03:35,170
HOW IS THERE A TRAFFIC JAM
AT 10:00 AT FUCKING NIGHT?
59
00:03:35,166 --> 00:03:39,096
LIKE, WHAT CLUB
ARE THESE MOTHERFUCKERS GOING TOO, GOD DAMN IT?
60
00:03:40,533 --> 00:03:43,433
AFTER SITTING IN TRAFFIC
FOR SO LONG I START THINKING EVIL SHIT, MAN.
61
00:03:43,433 --> 00:03:45,503
LIKE AFTER 45 MINUTES
I'M THINKING TO MYSELF,
62
00:03:45,500 --> 00:03:48,070
"THERE BETTER BE
A MOTHERFUCKING BODY IN THE STREET UP HERE.
63
00:03:48,066 --> 00:03:50,296
WE'VE BEEN IN TRAFFIC
FOR AN HOUR, I WANT TO SEE
64
00:03:50,300 --> 00:03:53,770
A HEADLESS TORSO ON
THE GODDAMN MEDIAN STRIP."
65
00:03:53,767 --> 00:03:57,127
YOU GET UP TO
THE FUCKING ACCIDENT, IT'S NEVER ANYTHING SERIOUS.
66
00:03:57,133 --> 00:03:59,273
IT'S ALWAYS TWO MEXICANS
FIGHTING OVER INSURANCE.
67
00:03:59,266 --> 00:04:01,326
( Mexican accent )
"I NO HAS NO INSURANCE."
68
00:04:01,333 --> 00:04:03,033
"YOU NO HAS INSURANCE?"
69
00:04:03,033 --> 00:04:06,003
"NO, SENOR.
ME NO HAS NO INSURANCE."
70
00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:07,600
"YOU NO HAS INS--"
71
00:04:07,600 --> 00:04:10,130
"NO, SENOR, ME NO
HAS NO INSURANCE."
72
00:04:10,133 --> 00:04:12,133
"YOU'RE SUPPOSED
TO HAS INSURANCE."
73
00:04:12,133 --> 00:04:14,073
"NO, BUT I NO
HAS INSURANCE."
74
00:04:14,066 --> 00:04:15,896
"YOU NO HAS INSURANCE?"
75
00:04:15,900 --> 00:04:18,730
"NO, SENOR, I NO
HAS INSURANCE."
76
00:04:18,734 --> 00:04:20,674
"YOU'RE SUPPOSED
TO HAS INSURANCE."
77
00:04:20,667 --> 00:04:23,027
"I NO HAS INSURANCE."
78
00:04:23,033 --> 00:04:24,633
"YOU NO HAS?"
79
00:04:26,300 --> 00:04:29,700
JUST TRYING TO SEE HOW
MANY DIFFERENT WAYS WE CAN ASK THE SAME FUCKING QUESTION.
80
00:04:29,700 --> 00:04:32,230
"YOU NO HAS
INSURANCE?"
81
00:04:32,233 --> 00:04:36,203
"NO, SENOR,
I NO HAS."
82
00:04:36,200 --> 00:04:38,100
OF COURSE HE DON'T
HAVE INSURANCE.
83
00:04:38,100 --> 00:04:40,930
LOOK AT THAT
SHIT YOU'RE DRIVING. YOU CAN'T INSURE THAT.
84
00:04:40,934 --> 00:04:43,234
THEY WANT TO CLOSE
THE FUCKING BORDERS.
85
00:04:43,233 --> 00:04:45,403
I KNOW REDNECKS ARE
FUCKING HAPPY ABOUT THAT.
86
00:04:45,400 --> 00:04:48,230
"GOD DAMN IT, GET THE FUCK OUT
OF THE COUNTRY."
87
00:04:49,700 --> 00:04:51,700
THAT'S WHAT I'M THINKING.
WE NEED TO STOP THE FUCKING WAR.
88
00:04:51,700 --> 00:04:54,500
THE WAY WE CAN STOP
THE WAR IS WITH THESE GODDAMN REDNECKS, MAN.
89
00:04:54,500 --> 00:04:57,330
BRING OUR FUCKING KIDS
HOME AND SEND REDNECKS OVER THERE,
90
00:04:57,333 --> 00:05:00,003
'CAUSE THEY'RE THE MOST
PATRIOTIC MOTHERFUCKERS ON THE PLANET.
91
00:05:01,967 --> 00:05:05,097
REDNECKS DON'T
PLAY THAT SHIT, MAN. YOU SEE THEM AFTER 9/11?
92
00:05:05,100 --> 00:05:07,400
"YOU DON'T COME TO MY
FUCKIN' BACKYARD,
93
00:05:07,400 --> 00:05:10,070
USE MY GODDAMN
AIR VEHICLES
94
00:05:10,066 --> 00:05:13,466
TO PULL OFF YOUR
TERRORIST ACTIVITY.
95
00:05:14,633 --> 00:05:16,603
GET THE FUCK OFF ME,
CONNIE CHANG,
96
00:05:16,600 --> 00:05:18,970
YOU AIN'T SUPPOSED
TO BE HERE NEITHER."
97
00:05:25,900 --> 00:05:27,230
WE'RE IN A COOL TIME
RIGHT NOW THOUGH,
98
00:05:27,233 --> 00:05:29,533
'CAUSE RIGHT NOW,
REDNECKS ARE LOOKING FOR THE TERRORISTS.
99
00:05:29,533 --> 00:05:31,303
THEY AIN'T WORRIED ABOUT NIGGAS.
WE'RE COOL.
100
00:05:31,300 --> 00:05:34,670
THEY EVEN STARTED
PUTTING RAPPERS IN FUCKING COUNTRY SONGS AND SHIT.
101
00:05:34,667 --> 00:05:36,867
I'M SURE YOU HEARD
THAT MOTHERFUCKER, YOU KNOW.
102
00:05:36,867 --> 00:05:39,897
AND THEY GOT--
REDNECKS ARE EVEN STARTING TO PICK UP ON SLANG.
103
00:05:39,900 --> 00:05:41,770
A REDNECK HEARS SOME
COMMOTION OUTSIDE--
104
00:05:41,767 --> 00:05:43,827
"WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON
OUT HERE, GOD DAMN IT?
105
00:05:43,834 --> 00:05:46,404
EVERYBODY CALM--
OH, WAIT A MINUTE. RELAX FELLAS.
106
00:05:46,400 --> 00:05:48,870
IT'S REGULAR NIGGAS,
IT AIN'T THEM SAND NIGGAS.
107
00:05:48,867 --> 00:05:52,067
HEY HEY HEY.
MY BAD, DUDE, MY BAD.
108
00:05:52,066 --> 00:05:55,066
I SEE YA PARTYING.
I AIN'T TRYING TO FUCK YOUR FLOW UP.
109
00:05:55,066 --> 00:05:57,826
ALL RIGHT, YOU GOT YOUR HONEYS
AND THE BLING BLING.
110
00:05:57,834 --> 00:06:01,874
FAR BE IT FROM ME TO
FUCK UP YOUR THUG THIZZLE, YOU UNDERSTAND ME?
111
00:06:01,867 --> 00:06:04,967
OKAY, HOLLER AT YOUR
BOY, ALL RIGHT?"
112
00:06:07,667 --> 00:06:09,767
I DON'T FUCK
WITH REDNECKS, MAN.
113
00:06:09,767 --> 00:06:12,927
I'M TELLING YOU,
REDNECKS ARE THE SCARIEST MOTHERFUCKERS ON THE PLANET.
114
00:06:12,934 --> 00:06:16,134
THEY'RE THE ONLY BREED
OF WHITE PERSON THAT'S NOT AFRAID OF BLACK PEOPLE.
115
00:06:16,133 --> 00:06:18,973
A REGULAR BLACK DUDE,
YOU COULD SCARE A REGULAR WHITE DUDE.
116
00:06:18,967 --> 00:06:21,067
YOU COULD SCARE HIM
AT ANY TIME.
117
00:06:21,066 --> 00:06:22,726
LIKE YOU RIGHT THERE,
YOU'VE GOT THE FUCKING--
118
00:06:22,734 --> 00:06:25,304
THE OPIE
AND THE FUCKING SHIRT--
119
00:06:25,300 --> 00:06:28,370
YOU PROBABLY GOT
A NICE LITTLE JOB,
120
00:06:28,367 --> 00:06:31,867
ALL YOUR TEETH AND SHIT.
YOU DON'T WANT TO LOSE NONE OF THAT SHIT.
121
00:06:31,867 --> 00:06:34,797
NICE SIZE BROTHER LIKE THAT
RIGHT THERE COME UP TO YOU,
122
00:06:34,800 --> 00:06:38,170
YOU STEP ON HIS SHOE,
HE BE LIKE, "HEY, MOTHERFUCKER, YOU STEPPED ON MY SHOE!"
123
00:06:38,166 --> 00:06:41,096
"HOLLY SIMOLES.
124
00:06:41,100 --> 00:06:43,470
WHOO, I'M SO SORRY.
125
00:06:43,467 --> 00:06:46,367
LOOK AT THE SIZE OF YOU.
ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?
126
00:06:47,433 --> 00:06:49,903
ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?
COME ON.
127
00:06:49,900 --> 00:06:52,200
I DIDN'T SEE YOUR SHOE.
I'M SORRY. HOW ABOUT $20?
128
00:06:52,200 --> 00:06:54,170
CAN WE KEEP THIS VERBAL
AND NOT MAKE IT PHYSICAL?
129
00:06:54,166 --> 00:06:56,266
HERE'S $20 TO HANDLE
THE SCUFF ON YOUR SHOE.
130
00:06:56,266 --> 00:06:58,996
HUH? I BELIEVE YOU
PEOPLE CALL IT A DUB."
131
00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:01,400
( laughs )
132
00:07:03,367 --> 00:07:05,927
REDNECK, COMPLETELY
DIFFERENT FUCKING STORY.
133
00:07:05,934 --> 00:07:08,104
YOU CAN'T SCARE A REDNECK
OUT OF A FIGHT.
134
00:07:08,100 --> 00:07:10,300
A REDNECK WILL TALK
SO MUCH SHIT BACK
135
00:07:10,300 --> 00:07:11,730
THAT YOU'LL START SECOND-
GUESSING WHY THE FUCK
136
00:07:11,734 --> 00:07:14,234
YOU EVEN SAID ANYTHING
TO THIS MOTHERFUCKER IN THE FIRST PLACE.
137
00:07:14,233 --> 00:07:17,973
A REDNECK STEP ON
YOUR SHOE-- YOU COULD OUTWEIGH A REDNECK BY 100 LBS--
138
00:07:17,967 --> 00:07:20,427
"HEY MOTHERFUCKER,
YOU STEPPED ON MY SHOE!"
139
00:07:20,433 --> 00:07:23,603
"WELL, YOUR GODDAMN FEET
SHOULDN'T BE SO FUCKING BIG, NOW SHOULD THEY?
140
00:07:23,600 --> 00:07:27,870
OH NO, YOU CAN'T
HAVE A REGULAR SIZE SHOE LIKE A HUMAN FUCKING BEING.
141
00:07:27,867 --> 00:07:29,897
WHAT IS THAT,
13 FUCKING 14?
142
00:07:29,900 --> 00:07:32,000
WHAT ARE YOU, SOME SORT
OF FUCKING PRIMATE?
143
00:07:32,000 --> 00:07:33,930
ARE YOU THE MISSING LINK
BETWEEN MAN AND APE?
144
00:07:33,934 --> 00:07:37,174
HEY EVERYBODY ON
THE BUS, I DONE DISCOVERED THE FUCKING MISSING LINK.
145
00:07:37,166 --> 00:07:39,896
SOMEONE CALL THE SMITHSONIAN,
I WANT A GODDAMN REWARD.
146
00:07:39,900 --> 00:07:42,000
YOU PROBABLY GOT TO WEAR
PLATFORM SHOES
147
00:07:42,000 --> 00:07:45,400
SO YOU DON'T DRAG
YOUR GODDAMN KNUCKLES ON THE GROUND, MOTHERFUCKER.
148
00:07:45,400 --> 00:07:47,200
I'M AMAZED YOU'RE EVEN
STANDING UPRIGHT.
149
00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:49,530
YOU LOOK LIKE NUMBER THREE
ON THE EVOLUTION CHART.
150
00:07:49,533 --> 00:07:51,273
LOOK HERE,
MIGHTY JOE YOUNG,
151
00:07:51,266 --> 00:07:52,926
YOU DON'T WANT ME TO STEP
ON YOUR BIG BLACK FEET
152
00:07:52,934 --> 00:07:55,074
NEXT TIME YOU SEE
ME COMING AT YOU, I DON'T GIVE A FUCK,
153
00:07:55,066 --> 00:07:58,266
TURN IT INTO A DANCE MOVE.
CHA-CHA SLIDE, TURN TO THE SIDE,
154
00:07:58,266 --> 00:08:01,666
MOTHERFUCKER.
CHA-CHA SLIDE, TURN TO THE SIDE."
155
00:08:01,667 --> 00:08:03,927
Y'ALL, I'M OUT OF HERE.
DEF JAM, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
156
00:08:03,934 --> 00:08:06,334
DEF JAM, LOS ANGELES.
157
00:08:06,333 --> 00:08:07,873
YOU'RE FUCKING AWESOME.
158
00:08:07,867 --> 00:08:10,097
( cheering )
159
00:08:11,633 --> 00:08:15,273
Epps:
PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR CHRIS SPENCER!
160
00:08:18,100 --> 00:08:19,800
YEAH!
161
00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:21,770
WHAT'S UP, Y'ALL?
162
00:08:21,767 --> 00:08:25,067
I GET TO PERFORM
IN L.A.
163
00:08:27,066 --> 00:08:29,166
MARRIED PEOPLE,
WHERE YOU AT?
164
00:08:29,166 --> 00:08:32,326
- ( scattered applause )
- LOOK HOW SAD THAT IS.
165
00:08:32,333 --> 00:08:34,603
WATCH THE DIFFERENCE.
SINGLE PEOPLE, WHERE YOU AT?
166
00:08:34,600 --> 00:08:37,330
- ( cheering )
- LOOK AT 'EM.
167
00:08:37,333 --> 00:08:40,673
HAPPY,
FULL OF DISEASES.
168
00:08:40,667 --> 00:08:43,497
( exaggerated
coughing )
169
00:08:43,500 --> 00:08:45,900
( buzzing )
170
00:08:47,734 --> 00:08:50,634
MY LAST GIRLFRIEND I BROKE
UP WITH BECAUSE WE HAD THAT CONVERSATION.
171
00:08:50,633 --> 00:08:53,933
THE HOW-MANY-PEOPLE-HAVE-
YOU-SLEPT-WITH CONVERSATION. YOU EVER HAD THAT?
172
00:08:53,934 --> 00:08:56,074
DON'T HAVE THAT
CONVERSATION IN L.A.,
173
00:08:56,066 --> 00:08:58,866
'CAUSE YOU HOPE YOUR
NUMBER IS GOING TO BE HIGHER THAN HERS.
174
00:08:58,867 --> 00:09:01,567
I FINISHED MY LIST,
I WAS LIKE, "OKAY BABY, I'M FINISHED."
175
00:09:01,567 --> 00:09:03,627
SHE'S LIKE, "HOLD ON
ONE SECOND. 62...
176
00:09:03,633 --> 00:09:07,473
63...
YOU WERE 64.
177
00:09:07,467 --> 00:09:11,597
65, 66, 67..."
178
00:09:12,934 --> 00:09:15,234
I JUST GOT MARRIED.
179
00:09:15,233 --> 00:09:18,473
- ( cheering )
- JUST YESTERDAY I GOT MARRIED.
180
00:09:18,467 --> 00:09:20,767
I GOT TIRED OF
THE SINGLE LIFE.
181
00:09:20,767 --> 00:09:23,827
I KNOW YOU GUYS ARE
OUT THERE HAVING FUN I GOT TIRED OF CONDOMS.
182
00:09:23,834 --> 00:09:27,034
CONDOMS BREAK.
HAVE YOU EVER HAD A CONDOM BREAK ON YOU?
183
00:09:27,033 --> 00:09:29,903
YOU'RE HAVING SEX WITH
A GIRL, IT'S LIKE, "OH MY GOD, THIS IS INCREDIBLE."
184
00:09:29,900 --> 00:09:32,570
AND THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN,
IT STARTS FEELING TOO GOOD.
185
00:09:32,567 --> 00:09:36,767
IT'S LIKE, "DID YOU
BURP AND OPEN UP A NEW PASSAGEWAY, 'CAUSE...?"
186
00:09:36,767 --> 00:09:39,397
AND THEN YOU LOOK DOWN,
YOU'VE GOT A TURTLENECK ON YOUR DICK.
187
00:09:39,400 --> 00:09:41,330
YOU GO, "OH MY GOD."
188
00:09:41,333 --> 00:09:44,033
YOU EVER LOSE
THE CONDOM COMPLETELY.
189
00:09:44,033 --> 00:09:47,633
YOU BE LIKE, "YEAH, GIRL,
WHERE DID IT GO?
190
00:09:47,633 --> 00:09:49,703
IT WAS..."
191
00:09:49,700 --> 00:09:52,430
AND THEN YOU LOOK
AND IT'S STILL IN HER. YOU GO, "OH...
192
00:09:52,433 --> 00:09:55,373
IT'S LIKE RIGHT THERE.
YEAH."
193
00:09:56,600 --> 00:10:00,030
AND THEN SHE COUGHS
AND TWO COME OUT, YOU GO, "HEY!
194
00:10:01,934 --> 00:10:04,534
THAT BETTER BE MINE
FROM YESTERDAY."
195
00:10:04,533 --> 00:10:07,633
MY GIRL IS LATIN.
ANY LATIN WOMEN HERE?
196
00:10:07,633 --> 00:10:09,373
( scattered cheers )
197
00:10:09,367 --> 00:10:12,227
WE HAVE SOME CONFLICTS
SOMETIMES. SHE DON'T UNDERSTAND MY CULTURE.
198
00:10:12,233 --> 00:10:15,003
LIKE FOR HALLOWEEN,
SHE WANTED MY SON TO BE A MONKEY.
199
00:10:17,166 --> 00:10:19,266
I WAS LIKE,
"BABY, HE CAN'T BE A MONKEY."
200
00:10:19,266 --> 00:10:21,666
"WHY NOT?
YOU'VE GOT TO SEE THE OUTFIT.
201
00:10:21,667 --> 00:10:23,467
IT'S SO CUTE.
THE EARS, THE TAIL."
202
00:10:23,467 --> 00:10:25,827
I GO, "BABY,
YOU KNOW THEY USED TO CALL US MONKEYS."
203
00:10:25,834 --> 00:10:28,134
"OH, YOU PEOPLE
NEED TO GET OVER IT."
204
00:10:28,133 --> 00:10:30,303
I WAS LIKE,
"OKAY, BITCH, OKAY.
205
00:10:30,300 --> 00:10:33,700
HOW ABOUT NEXT YEAR
WE DRESS HIM UP AS A GARDENER?
206
00:10:33,700 --> 00:10:35,670
IT'S NOT FUNNY.
OH YEAH.
207
00:10:35,667 --> 00:10:37,797
WHY DON'T WE STRAP
A LEAF BLOWER TO HIS BACK
208
00:10:37,800 --> 00:10:40,930
SO THAT AFTER HE
GETS HIS CANDY HE CAN BLOW THE LEAVES ALL OUT OF THE WAY?"
209
00:10:40,934 --> 00:10:43,504
( imitates buzzing )
210
00:10:45,200 --> 00:10:47,230
MY SON, I HAD A BOY--
THE BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD
211
00:10:47,233 --> 00:10:49,273
IS YOU SEE THE ULTRASOUND,
YOU FIND OUT YOU'RE HAVING A BOY.
212
00:10:49,266 --> 00:10:51,396
I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY
PEOPLE GOT KIDS HERE--
213
00:10:51,400 --> 00:10:54,170
A LOT OF BLACK PEOPLE HERE,
SO PROBABLY ALL OF Y'ALL.
214
00:10:54,166 --> 00:10:57,366
WHEN THEY SHOW YOU
YOU'RE HAVING A BOY ON THE ULTRASOUND--
215
00:10:57,367 --> 00:11:00,097
THEY WANT TO SHOW YOU
OTHER PARTS OF THE BODY, BUT YOU DON'T GIVE A FUCK.
216
00:11:00,100 --> 00:11:01,900
LIKE, "LOOK, YOU CAN SEE
HIS HEART IS BEATING."
217
00:11:01,900 --> 00:11:04,070
I'M LIKE, "THAT'S GREAT.
ARE THOSE BALLS?
218
00:11:05,834 --> 00:11:07,704
ARE THOSE BALLS, NURSE?"
219
00:11:07,700 --> 00:11:11,400
SHE'S LIKE,
"UM, WE CALL THEM TESTICLES, MR. SPENCER,
220
00:11:11,400 --> 00:11:13,570
AND YES, THOSE ARE THEM.
LOOK, THE LUNGS ARE--"
221
00:11:13,567 --> 00:11:16,397
"YEAH, FUCK THAT.
HE GOT A BIG OL' DICK, DON'T HE?
222
00:11:16,400 --> 00:11:20,130
HA HA. YOU'VE GOT
TO ADMIT, FOR A FETUS OR AN EMBRYO OR WHATEVER--
223
00:11:20,133 --> 00:11:23,003
LOOK BABY, HE GOT
A BIG OLD DICK." SHE'S LIKE...
224
00:11:23,000 --> 00:11:25,270
"UM, THAT'S
THE UMBILICAL CORD."
225
00:11:25,266 --> 00:11:27,666
THEN I PULLED DOWN
MY PANTS AND SHOWED HER MY DICK.
226
00:11:27,667 --> 00:11:31,167
SHE'S LIKE, "HOLD ON ONE
SECOND, I DO SEE THE FAMILY RESEMBLANCE, OKAY."
227
00:11:32,967 --> 00:11:36,367
HE'S SPANISH.
THAT MEANS HIS HAIR'S A LITTLE STRAIGHT.
228
00:11:36,367 --> 00:11:37,867
I'M WORRIED ABOUT HIM
NOT WANTING TO HOOP,
229
00:11:37,867 --> 00:11:40,327
'CAUSE AS A BLACK MAN
MY SON NEEDS TO HOOP.
230
00:11:40,333 --> 00:11:41,803
I'M AFRAID I'LL BE LIKE,
"SHOOT THE BALL.
231
00:11:41,800 --> 00:11:44,800
SHOOT THE BALL, LITTLE CHRIS."
"NO, PAPI."
232
00:11:48,133 --> 00:11:51,333
"NO NO, SHOOT IT."
"NO, PAPI."
233
00:11:54,266 --> 00:11:56,926
I AM RAISING PELE.
"SHOOT THE BALL."
234
00:11:58,967 --> 00:12:02,227
L.A., THE HOME OF
THE BLACK WOMAN WHO HATES THE WHITE WOMAN.
235
00:12:02,233 --> 00:12:04,003
( audience groans )
236
00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:06,100
SISTERS DO NOT LIKE
A WHITE GIRL WITH A BROTHER,
237
00:12:06,100 --> 00:12:08,970
ESPECIALLY IF HE IS
GOOD LOOKING LIKE ME.
238
00:12:08,967 --> 00:12:10,997
IT HURTS YOU
TO THE CORE.
239
00:12:11,000 --> 00:12:13,130
YOU WOULD RATHER
GET YOUR HAIR DONE AND GO SWIMMING,
240
00:12:13,133 --> 00:12:15,503
THAN SEE A BROTHER
241
00:12:15,500 --> 00:12:17,570
WITH A WHITE GIRL.
242
00:12:17,567 --> 00:12:20,327
AND BLACK WOMEN DO NOT
MAKE IT ANY EASIER ON THE BROTHER,
243
00:12:20,333 --> 00:12:22,673
YELLING AT THE GIRL,
"LOOK AT HER.
244
00:12:22,667 --> 00:12:24,767
YEAH, YOU BITCH."
245
00:12:24,767 --> 00:12:26,727
YOU EVER HEAR THEM
SOMETIMES GROWL?
246
00:12:26,734 --> 00:12:28,804
( growls )
247
00:12:28,800 --> 00:12:30,170
"BITCH."
248
00:12:30,166 --> 00:12:34,066
JESUS CHRIST.
MUSTAFA, WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?
249
00:12:37,066 --> 00:12:40,596
IF I WAS WITH A WHITE GIRL
AND SHE LOVED ME AND I LOVED HER--
250
00:12:40,600 --> 00:12:42,970
FUCK IT.
THAT'S JUST WHAT HAPPENED.
251
00:12:42,967 --> 00:12:44,227
( applause )
252
00:12:44,233 --> 00:12:46,633
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT
SHE'S DOING FOR HIM.
253
00:12:46,633 --> 00:12:50,633
SHE MIGHT HAVE LICKED
HIM SOMEWHERE NOBODY ELSE HAS EVER LICKED.
254
00:12:50,633 --> 00:12:52,833
FIXED HIS CREDIT.
255
00:12:54,867 --> 00:12:57,597
IF I WAS A BROTHER WITH
A WHITE GIRL AND I SAW SISTERS OVER THERE,
256
00:12:57,600 --> 00:12:59,170
"ARRGH," BARKING,
"BITCH, BITCH."
257
00:12:59,166 --> 00:13:00,996
"HOLD ON ONE SECOND.
EXCUSE ME, SISTERS.
258
00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:04,030
WERE ONE OF YOU GUYS GOING
TO GIVE ME SOME PUSSY? NO?"
259
00:13:04,033 --> 00:13:06,473
( snaps fingers )
"BECKY, LET'S GO, BABY."
260
00:13:07,633 --> 00:13:08,933
"ARRGH, BITCH.
THERE YOU GO, BITCH."
261
00:13:08,934 --> 00:13:10,534
"HOLD ON ONE SECOND.
EXCUSE ME, SISTERS.
262
00:13:10,533 --> 00:13:13,103
WERE ONE OF YOU GOING TO
COSIGN A LOAN FOR ME?
263
00:13:13,100 --> 00:13:16,230
NO?
BECKY, VAMONOS."
264
00:13:18,400 --> 00:13:20,070
"ARRGH, RUFF
RUFF RUFF, ARRGH."
265
00:13:20,066 --> 00:13:21,766
"HOLD ON A SECOND.
HOLD ON A SECOND.
266
00:13:21,767 --> 00:13:23,897
HOLD ON A SECOND.
EXCUSE ME, SISTERS.
267
00:13:23,900 --> 00:13:26,400
WERE YOU GOING TO LET
ME SLEEP WITH YOU AND YOUR FRIEND?
268
00:13:28,066 --> 00:13:31,566
NO? BECKY, MEGAN,
LET'S GO LADIES."
269
00:13:31,567 --> 00:13:33,527
CHRIS SPENCER, Y'ALL.
THANK YOU, VERY MUCH.
270
00:13:33,533 --> 00:13:35,273
( cheering )
271
00:13:35,266 --> 00:13:38,266
Epps:
COMING TO THE STAGE, STRAIGHT OUT OF CHICAGO,
272
00:13:38,266 --> 00:13:41,166
GIVE IT UP FOR
COREY HOLCOMB.
273
00:13:45,900 --> 00:13:48,700
WHAT UP?
ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO.
274
00:13:48,700 --> 00:13:51,470
WHAT UP, CHI-TOWN?
275
00:13:52,800 --> 00:13:55,800
UGH.
YOU EVER...
276
00:13:55,800 --> 00:13:59,100
YOU EVER FUCK A FAT CHICK
WITH REGULAR PEOPLE LEGS?
277
00:13:59,100 --> 00:14:02,070
( audience laughing )
278
00:14:08,100 --> 00:14:11,270
LOOK LIKE A HEART
WHEN SHE WALK INTO THE BATHROOM.
279
00:14:11,266 --> 00:14:12,566
LIKE, "DAMN, MAN.
280
00:14:12,567 --> 00:14:15,767
SHIT, I JUST FUCKED
THE HAMBURGLAR, NIGGA."
281
00:14:19,767 --> 00:14:22,867
I GOT TO GET MY PAIN UP HERE.
LOOK, Y'ALL DON'T KNOW HOW BAD I GOT IT.
282
00:14:22,867 --> 00:14:25,267
I DID A SHOW IN ATLANTA
THREE MONTHS AGO
283
00:14:25,266 --> 00:14:27,626
AND I GOT A ONE-NIGHT
STAND PREGNANT.
284
00:14:27,633 --> 00:14:29,903
- ( audience groans )
- ( laughs )
285
00:14:29,900 --> 00:14:33,930
I KNOW.
SHE ALREADY CALLED ON MY PHONE TALKING CRAZY.
286
00:14:33,934 --> 00:14:36,404
"YOU NEED TO GET
READY TO TAKE CARE
287
00:14:36,400 --> 00:14:39,370
OF YOUR
RESPONSIBILITY."
288
00:14:40,700 --> 00:14:43,870
SHE DON'T KNOW THAT
I'M GOING TO PUT SOME DOPE IN HER CAR.
289
00:14:47,633 --> 00:14:51,773
( snickers )
"YOU NEED TO GET READY FOR YOUR CASE, GOD DAMN IT.
290
00:14:53,533 --> 00:14:57,133
THAT LITTLE MOTHERFUCKER
WILL BE BORN INCARCERATED, GOD DAMN IT.
291
00:14:57,133 --> 00:14:59,373
YOU A CRIMINAL.
292
00:14:59,367 --> 00:15:02,197
GET ME A LITTLE
ANTWONE FISHER WITH YOUR ASS."
293
00:15:04,567 --> 00:15:06,467
Y'ALL DON'T KNOW,
THEY, UM--
294
00:15:06,467 --> 00:15:07,927
A LOT OF Y'ALL DON'T
KNOW ABOUT THIS.
295
00:15:07,934 --> 00:15:11,174
LADIES, THEY'VE GOT
A NEW ABORTION PILL OUT.
296
00:15:11,166 --> 00:15:14,226
NOT THE MORNING-AFTER PILL.
NO, THIS IS A PILL
297
00:15:14,233 --> 00:15:16,533
WHERE YOU CAN HAVE
AN ABORTION UP TO EIGHT WEEKS
298
00:15:16,533 --> 00:15:18,103
AFTER YOU GET PREGNANT.
299
00:15:18,100 --> 00:15:19,870
SO FELLAS, YOU GOT TO
BE CREATIVE.
300
00:15:19,867 --> 00:15:22,697
THAT MEANS YOU CAN CRUSH
THE PILL UP AND PUT IT IN HER DRINK.
301
00:15:22,700 --> 00:15:24,630
( laughs )
302
00:15:24,633 --> 00:15:27,803
( groaning )
303
00:15:32,000 --> 00:15:33,470
SHE BE GETTING DRUNK
TALKING ABOUT,
304
00:15:33,467 --> 00:15:36,427
"YOU KNOW WHAT?
I THINK I'M GOING TO HAVE IT."
305
00:15:38,066 --> 00:15:40,466
YOU'LL BE LIKE,
"I THINK YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE IT TONIGHT."
306
00:15:43,100 --> 00:15:46,030
( laughs )
307
00:15:51,500 --> 00:15:53,130
ALL RIGHT, FELLAS
IN THE AUDIENCE,
308
00:15:53,133 --> 00:15:55,233
CLAP YOUR HANDS IF
YOU PAY CHILD SUPPORT.
309
00:15:55,233 --> 00:15:56,903
CLAP YOUR HANDS
IF YOU PAY CHILD SUPPORT.
310
00:15:56,900 --> 00:15:58,830
( scattered applause )
311
00:16:01,533 --> 00:16:05,303
LADIES, Y'ALL LUCKY
THEY CAME OUT WITH THAT CHILD SUPPORT LAW.
312
00:16:05,300 --> 00:16:07,330
Y'ALL CAUGHT
A BREAK WITH THAT.
313
00:16:07,333 --> 00:16:09,103
IF IT WEREN'T FOR
THAT CHILD SUPPORT,
314
00:16:09,100 --> 00:16:12,270
THERE WOULD BE A WHOLE
LOT OF BUM-ASS WOMEN HERE IN THE WORLD.
315
00:16:12,266 --> 00:16:14,426
THAT'S RIGHT,
IF IT WEREN'T FOR CHILD SUPPORT
316
00:16:14,433 --> 00:16:18,803
SOME OF Y'ALL WILL
BE DOWN HERE TONIGHT IN OLD-ASS FUBU BLOUSES.
317
00:16:20,233 --> 00:16:24,633
GODDAMN DIADORA GYM SHOES ON
AND ALL THAT STUFF.
318
00:16:26,100 --> 00:16:28,130
AND Y'ALL CLOWN NIGGAS
IN CHILD SUPPORT COURT.
319
00:16:28,133 --> 00:16:31,973
FELLAS, ON YOUR NEXT
DAY OFF YOU OWE IT TO YOURSELF
320
00:16:31,967 --> 00:16:34,767
TO JUST GO SIT THROUGH
A CHILD SUPPORT COURT SESSION.
321
00:16:34,767 --> 00:16:38,267
IT IS HILARIOUS.
LADIES, OOH, Y'ALL ARE WRONG FOR THAT.
322
00:16:38,266 --> 00:16:42,426
LADIES, Y'ALL GOT MORE CASES
AGAINST NIGGAS THAN THE FEDS.
323
00:16:44,834 --> 00:16:47,774
BOY, THEY BE THERE
AND THEY SET YOU OUT IN COURT TOO.
324
00:16:47,767 --> 00:16:52,227
"THAT'S RIGHT, YOUR HONOR,
AND HE SELL DRUGS."
325
00:16:55,333 --> 00:16:59,603
"HEY, THIS BITCH'S SON
WORK FOR ME, THOUGH."
326
00:17:00,400 --> 00:17:03,100
( laughs )
327
00:17:06,767 --> 00:17:09,097
Y'ALL DON'T KNOW,
I'VE GOT IT ROUGH. BOY, I GOTTA--
328
00:17:09,100 --> 00:17:12,700
I MOVED TO L.A. FROM
CHICAGO SIX YEARS AGO.
329
00:17:12,700 --> 00:17:14,830
AND RIGHT BEFORE
I MOVED OUT HERE
330
00:17:14,834 --> 00:17:17,234
I HAD A SON IN CHICAGO.
331
00:17:17,233 --> 00:17:19,503
SO I GO BACK
AND SEE HIM EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE.
332
00:17:19,500 --> 00:17:22,830
SO I WAS THERE FOR
THE LAST HOLIDAY
333
00:17:22,834 --> 00:17:25,974
AND, YOU KNOW, HIS MOM
HAS GOTTEN MARRIED SINCE THEN.
334
00:17:25,967 --> 00:17:28,627
SO SHE WAS AT
WORK AND HER HUSBAND ANSWERED THE DOOR.
335
00:17:28,633 --> 00:17:32,073
( chuckles )
AND I WAS LIKE, "HEY, WHAT'S UP, MAN?"
336
00:17:32,066 --> 00:17:34,426
I'M ABOUT TO TAKE
HIM TO THE MALL.
337
00:17:34,433 --> 00:17:37,073
UH, I WAS WONDERING IF
YOU WANTED TO GO WITH US
338
00:17:37,066 --> 00:17:40,696
'CAUSE I DON'T REALLY KNOW
THE LITTLE PLAYER LIKE THAT. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
339
00:17:40,700 --> 00:17:43,300
( laughs )
340
00:17:46,033 --> 00:17:49,833
IT WAS ME, HER HUSBAND
AND MY SON AT THE MALL LIKE A COUPLE.
341
00:17:49,834 --> 00:17:52,674
WE WERE WALKING AROUND
THAT MOTHERFUCKER...
342
00:17:52,667 --> 00:17:56,497
MY SON WAS LIKE,
"COREY, YOU'RE GOING TO BUY ME SOME SHOES?"
343
00:17:56,500 --> 00:17:59,530
I WAS LIKE, "OF COURSE.
YEAH, I'LL GET YOU SOME SHOES."
344
00:17:59,533 --> 00:18:03,833
HE WAS LIKE, "DADDY,
COREY'S GOING TO BUY ME SOME SHOES."
345
00:18:06,333 --> 00:18:09,173
I LEFT BOTH OF THEIR
ASSES AT THE MALL. I WAS LIKE,
346
00:18:09,166 --> 00:18:11,766
"Y'ALL BETTER OFF WITHOUT ME.
I'LL JUST--
347
00:18:11,767 --> 00:18:14,327
I'M JUST INTERFERING.
FUCK IT."
348
00:18:17,166 --> 00:18:20,596
GOT TO SEND A SHOUT OUT
TO MY BABY'S MAMA
349
00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:23,270
I CAN'T STAND OUT
THERE IN MAYWOOD, ILLINOIS.
350
00:18:23,266 --> 00:18:24,766
WHAT'S UP WITH YOUR
BUM ASS?
351
00:18:24,767 --> 00:18:26,997
( laughs )
352
00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:28,430
THAT'S THE ONE
I'M NOT PROUD OF.
353
00:18:28,433 --> 00:18:30,333
SHE SLEEPS AROUND
WITH A LOT OF GUYS.
354
00:18:30,333 --> 00:18:34,033
SHE'S BEEN ON HER BACK
MORE THAN THE WEAKEST NIGGA IN WRESTLING PRACTICE.
355
00:18:36,567 --> 00:18:39,727
AND SHE FELL OFF
IN THE LOOKS DEPARTMENT.
356
00:18:39,734 --> 00:18:43,104
I'VE GOT TO EXPLAIN
HER EVERY TIME
357
00:18:43,100 --> 00:18:45,330
I INTRODUCE HER
TO SOMEBODY.
358
00:18:47,166 --> 00:18:49,366
I'LL BE WALKING WITH HER,
"HEY, WHAT'S UP, MAN?
359
00:18:49,367 --> 00:18:52,797
THIS IS MY DAUGHTER'S MOM
RIGHT HERE."
360
00:18:57,900 --> 00:19:02,470
HEY, THIS BITCH WAS COOL
WHEN I DID DEF JAM BACK IN THE DAY, NIGGA.
361
00:19:02,467 --> 00:19:05,697
HEY, I'M COREY HOLCOMB.
PEACE OUT, Y'ALL. I'M OUTTA HERE.
362
00:19:08,433 --> 00:19:11,073
Epps:
COMING TO THE STAGE, STRAIGHT OUT OF ST. LOUIS,
363
00:19:11,066 --> 00:19:14,096
GIVE IT UP FOR JOE TORRY,
Y'ALL, COME ON!
364
00:19:16,533 --> 00:19:18,703
WHAT'S UP?
365
00:19:19,567 --> 00:19:21,027
YEAH YEAH YEAH.
366
00:19:25,133 --> 00:19:26,903
SETTLE DOWN.
367
00:19:26,900 --> 00:19:28,670
KID, MY NIGGA.
368
00:19:28,667 --> 00:19:31,297
WHAT'S UP, BIG PIMPING?
369
00:19:31,300 --> 00:19:33,270
Y'ALL READY TO LAUGH IN HERE,
SAY, "HELL YEAH!"
370
00:19:33,266 --> 00:19:34,866
Crowd:
HELL YEAH!
371
00:19:34,867 --> 00:19:36,627
ALL RIGHT,
Y'ALL, SHIT!
372
00:19:36,633 --> 00:19:40,303
Y'ALL GOT THAT
NEW YORK ENERGY IN THIS MOTHERFUCKER.
373
00:19:40,300 --> 00:19:42,870
SO... SO...
374
00:19:42,867 --> 00:19:45,227
WHAT I WANT IS I WANT
AN AUDIENCE CHECK RIGHT NOW.
375
00:19:45,233 --> 00:19:47,733
I WANT TO HEAR
ALL THE OFFICIAL ADULTS CLAP YOUR HANDS.
376
00:19:47,734 --> 00:19:50,334
IF YOU'RE AN OFFICIAL ADULT
CLAP YOUR HANDS.
377
00:19:50,333 --> 00:19:52,903
( scattered clapping )
378
00:19:52,900 --> 00:19:54,770
ALL RIGHT.
379
00:19:54,767 --> 00:19:56,427
I SEE SOME PEOPLE
CLAPPING
380
00:19:56,433 --> 00:19:58,873
LIKE THEY AIN'T SUPPOSED
TO BEEN CLAPPING.
381
00:19:58,867 --> 00:20:01,397
COUPLE OF THINGS MAKE YOU
AN OFFICIAL ADULT, OKAY?
382
00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:03,830
IF YOU GOT A REAL JOB
383
00:20:03,834 --> 00:20:06,504
THAT MAKES YOU
AN OFFICIAL ADULT.
384
00:20:08,367 --> 00:20:10,697
YEAH, THIS IS LIKE A
L.A. AUDIENCE.
385
00:20:10,700 --> 00:20:12,930
EVERYBODY IN L.A.
GOT A JOB.
386
00:20:12,934 --> 00:20:16,274
TALKING ABOUT A REAL JOB--
HEALTH BENEFITS,
387
00:20:16,266 --> 00:20:18,996
GOT INSURANCE,
388
00:20:19,000 --> 00:20:20,900
401K PLAN.
389
00:20:20,900 --> 00:20:24,670
YOU DON'T EVEN
KNOW WHAT THAT IS. YOU'RE LIKE, "502?"
390
00:20:26,633 --> 00:20:28,173
401K.
391
00:20:28,166 --> 00:20:30,566
YOU KNOW, YOU GO TO WORK,
THAT'S A JOB YOU CAN'T QUIT.
392
00:20:30,567 --> 00:20:32,797
YOU NEED THAT JOB.
YOU'RE AN OFFICIAL ADULT.
393
00:20:32,800 --> 00:20:36,200
IF YOU'RE A PARENT
YOU'RE AN OFFICIAL ADULT. CLAP IF YOU'RE A PARENT.
394
00:20:36,200 --> 00:20:40,070
- ( crowd clapping )
- I NEED TO CLAP MY DAMN SELF.
395
00:20:40,066 --> 00:20:41,696
ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR EVERYBODY
WHO GOT SONS IN HERE.
396
00:20:41,700 --> 00:20:44,570
SONS IN THIS MOTHERFUCKER.
397
00:20:44,567 --> 00:20:46,297
ALL THE MEN THAT GOT SONS.
398
00:20:47,700 --> 00:20:49,730
SEE, IF YOU'RE A FATHER,
399
00:20:49,734 --> 00:20:53,434
THERE'S TWO THINGS YOU DON'T
WANT IF YOU'VE GOT KIDS,
400
00:20:53,433 --> 00:20:56,973
AND THAT'S
A DAUGHTER THAT'S A HO,
401
00:20:56,967 --> 00:20:59,797
OR A SON THAT'S A PUNK.
402
00:20:59,800 --> 00:21:04,330
AND IT'S YOUR FAULT
IF HE'S A PUNK OR SHE'S A HO.
403
00:21:04,333 --> 00:21:07,673
'CAUSE THEY EITHER SAW IT
OR YOU WEREN'T THERE TO TEACH 'EM OR TELL 'EM.
404
00:21:07,667 --> 00:21:09,767
AND I JUST GOT CUSTODY
OF MY 12-YEAR-OLD.
405
00:21:09,767 --> 00:21:11,467
I JUST GOT CUSTODY.
JUST GOT CUSTODY,
406
00:21:11,467 --> 00:21:14,267
ABOUT TO BE
TAKEN INTO CUSTODY 'CAUSE HE'S TRYING ME.
407
00:21:14,266 --> 00:21:17,226
BUT I'M GLAD I'M THERE
FOR SOME MOMENTS 'CAUSE, YOU KNOW,
408
00:21:17,233 --> 00:21:20,673
I STARTED NOTICING SOME SHIT
ABOUT MY SON AND I'M GLAD I HAD TO BE THERE.
409
00:21:20,667 --> 00:21:24,467
'CAUSE WHEN YOU'RE A PARENT
THERE'S MOMENTS IN LIFE YOU GOT TO BE THERE.
410
00:21:24,467 --> 00:21:26,227
SO I'M ON THE ROAD WORKING
SO I CAN BE THERE,
411
00:21:26,233 --> 00:21:29,033
BUT THEN WHEN I COME
IN TOWN I GET MY KID, AND I'M LIKE, "DAMN!"
412
00:21:29,033 --> 00:21:32,273
I START NOTICING
SOME SHIT THAT WAS BOTHERING ME.
413
00:21:32,266 --> 00:21:35,596
FELLAS OVER, YOU KNOW, SOME
TENDER MOMENTS HE HAVING IN FRONT OF THE,
414
00:21:35,600 --> 00:21:37,370
YOU KNOW, THE GUYS
OVER WATCHING FOOTBALL.
415
00:21:37,367 --> 00:21:39,167
AND, YOU KNOW,
YOU'RE DRINKING, PLAYING DOMINOS,
416
00:21:39,166 --> 00:21:42,026
AND MY SON JUST
COMES RUNNING OUT, "I WANNA WATCH."
417
00:21:44,567 --> 00:21:46,967
AND I'M LIKE, "ARE YOU
HAVING A BROKEBACK MOMENT?
418
00:21:46,967 --> 00:21:49,597
WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?"
419
00:21:49,600 --> 00:21:53,030
I'M LIKE,
"GET YOUR HAND OFF YOUR HIP." AND HE-- ( whines )
420
00:21:53,033 --> 00:21:54,973
AND, YOU KNOW,
YOUR BOYS LOOKING LIKE,
421
00:21:54,967 --> 00:21:57,627
"OH, NIGGA, YOU BETTER
GET YOUR SON."
422
00:21:57,633 --> 00:22:01,003
AND I'M LIKE,
"LOCK IT OUT! LOCK IT OUT!"
423
00:22:01,000 --> 00:22:03,370
AND YOU GOTTA BE THERE
FOR THAT MOMENT FOR THAT KID,
424
00:22:03,367 --> 00:22:06,797
'CAUSE HE CAN JUST
SETTLE INTO THAT SHIT FOR A GOOD 15-16 YEARS.
425
00:22:08,266 --> 00:22:10,166
YOU GOT A SON
THAT'S A PUNK.
426
00:22:10,166 --> 00:22:13,226
SO I HAD TO,
"LOCK IT OUT. GET YOUR HAND DOWN. STAND UP.
427
00:22:17,033 --> 00:22:19,773
WHEN YOU FEEL THE URGE,
DON'T DO IT."
428
00:22:19,767 --> 00:22:23,567
AND I WENT AND DROPPED
HIS ASS OFF AND HIS MOM WAS STANDING JUST LIKE THAT.
429
00:22:23,567 --> 00:22:26,467
I'M LIKE, "THAT'S WHERE
HE GETTING THAT SHIT FROM.
430
00:22:26,467 --> 00:22:27,897
I GOTTA HAVE HIM
AROUND ME MORE."
431
00:22:27,900 --> 00:22:29,570
SO I GOT HIM
AROUND ME MORE, AND THAT'S COOL,
432
00:22:29,567 --> 00:22:31,567
'CAUSE YOU KNOW
THERE'S MOMENTS YOU GOT TO BE THERE.
433
00:22:31,567 --> 00:22:33,067
LIKE HIS FIRST FIGHT
HE HAD, HE CAME HOME
434
00:22:33,066 --> 00:22:36,826
AND I WAS HAPPY
HE GOT KICKED OUT OF SCHOOL 'CAUSE THERE WAS A FIGHT.
435
00:22:36,834 --> 00:22:38,534
I SAID "WHAT HAPPENED?"
HE WAS LIKE,
436
00:22:38,533 --> 00:22:41,003
"WELL, HE PUNCHED ME."
I SAID, "WHAT'D YOU DO?"
437
00:22:41,000 --> 00:22:43,030
"I SCRATCHED HIM."
438
00:22:45,000 --> 00:22:48,430
I SAID, "YOU DID WHAT?"
( mimics catfight )
439
00:22:48,433 --> 00:22:51,473
"MOMMY TAUGHT ME THAT."
I'M LIKE, "DON'T YOU EVER IN YOUR LIFE
440
00:22:51,467 --> 00:22:53,967
SCRATCH ANOTHER MAN.
441
00:22:53,967 --> 00:22:57,897
BITE, KICK, PUNCH,
BUT YOU FUCKING SCRATCH?"
442
00:22:57,900 --> 00:22:59,330
HE SAID, "WELL, I WON."
443
00:22:59,333 --> 00:23:01,333
I WAS LIKE...
444
00:23:01,333 --> 00:23:02,973
I DIDN'T WANT
TO BREAK HIS SPIRIT.
445
00:23:02,967 --> 00:23:05,467
"GIVE ME A POUND, GIVE ME
A POUND, GIVE ME A POUND."
446
00:23:05,467 --> 00:23:08,097
BUT IT'S SHIT LIKE THAT
YOU GOT TO BE THERE FOR.
447
00:23:08,100 --> 00:23:11,470
BUT I GOT--
THE THREE-YEAR-OLD IS A PROBLEM RIGHT NOW.
448
00:23:11,467 --> 00:23:14,167
THREE-YEAR-OLD IS CAUSING
FUCKING PROBLEMS IN MY LIFE.
449
00:23:14,166 --> 00:23:16,696
FUCKING WON'T LET ME
GET NEXT TO MY WIFE,
450
00:23:16,700 --> 00:23:19,430
WON'T LET ME KISS MY WIFE.
IT'S LIKE HAVING A ROOMMATE
451
00:23:19,433 --> 00:23:23,433
OR A THREE-YEAR-OLD SERIAL
COCK-BLOCKER AROUND THE HOUSE.
452
00:23:23,433 --> 00:23:26,333
'CAUSE I MADE LOVE A LOT.
MAYBE THAT WAS IT.
453
00:23:26,333 --> 00:23:27,933
MAYBE HE
GETTING ME BACK.
454
00:23:27,934 --> 00:23:31,274
'CAUSE I MADE LOVE TO MY WIFE
ALL THE WAY UP TO WHEN SHE WAS EIGHT MONTHS.
455
00:23:31,266 --> 00:23:34,996
FUCK THAT.
PREGNANT PUSSY IS THE BEST PUSSY YOU CAN GET.
456
00:23:35,000 --> 00:23:36,700
I COULDN'T STOP.
457
00:23:36,700 --> 00:23:39,270
AND YOU GOT TO GET
IN WHEN YOU GET IN, BUT I'M LIKE, DAMN!
458
00:23:39,266 --> 00:23:42,396
AFTER THE WOMAN HAVE THE KID,
SHE CAN'T DO NOTHING FOR FOUR MONTHS.
459
00:23:42,400 --> 00:23:46,770
YOU GOT TO JACK OFF
AND JUST, YOU KNOW, JUST MAN UP.
460
00:23:48,066 --> 00:23:50,166
BUT THEN WHEN THEY'RE NURSING,
IT'S EVEN WORSE
461
00:23:50,166 --> 00:23:51,766
'CAUSE THE BABY
IS ON THE BREASTS.
462
00:23:51,767 --> 00:23:54,527
AND THE MILK IS COOL,
IT'S COOL FOR THE KID, BUT DAMN,
463
00:23:54,533 --> 00:23:56,773
THEY ON THE TITTY
ALL DAY.
464
00:23:56,767 --> 00:23:59,797
MY LITTLE BOY'S A SCORPIO.
HE'S JUST PLAYING WITH THE SHIT.
465
00:23:59,800 --> 00:24:01,900
( imitates baby sucking )
466
00:24:03,266 --> 00:24:04,566
9:00 IN THE MORNING...
467
00:24:04,567 --> 00:24:06,327
12:00...
6:00 AT NIGHT.
468
00:24:06,333 --> 00:24:08,533
12:00, I'M LIKE,
"GOD DAMN!"
469
00:24:08,533 --> 00:24:09,833
AND I'M TRYING
TO GET SOME ASS
470
00:24:09,834 --> 00:24:12,534
AND YOU AIN'T TRYING
TO DO THAT IN FRONT OF THE BABY.
471
00:24:12,533 --> 00:24:14,203
SO I'M TRYIN' TO GET IN
WHEN HE GET IN.
472
00:24:14,200 --> 00:24:17,570
HE WAKE UP 2:00
IN THE MORNING, ONE-EYE...
473
00:24:17,567 --> 00:24:19,627
I WAS LIKE, "GOD DAMN!"
474
00:24:19,633 --> 00:24:21,833
SO FUCK THAT.
I GOT IN BEFORE HE DID ONE TIME.
475
00:24:21,834 --> 00:24:23,674
I WAS IN 50, 50 PUMPS.
I WAS IN.
476
00:24:23,667 --> 00:24:26,527
AND HE GONNA
WAKE UP, START...
477
00:24:26,533 --> 00:24:29,003
I'M LIKE, "MOTHERFUCKER,
WHAT YOU DOING?"
478
00:24:29,000 --> 00:24:31,300
HE GONNA ROLL OVER
TO THE OTHER TITTY...
479
00:24:31,300 --> 00:24:34,730
SO I'M TRYING TO FUCK
HIM OFF. "GET OFF!"
480
00:24:35,934 --> 00:24:40,334
AND MY WIFE IS LIKE,
"WHAT THE FUCK ARE Y'ALL DOING?"
481
00:24:40,333 --> 00:24:42,933
AND I'M LIKE,
"I'M 60 PUMPS IN. HANG ON!"
482
00:24:43,934 --> 00:24:45,434
AND HE GOING
BACK AND FORTH
483
00:24:45,433 --> 00:24:47,903
AND I'M FUCKING.
I LOOKED UP AND I'M LIKE, "DAMN!
484
00:24:47,900 --> 00:24:50,830
ME AND MY SON
GANG BANGING MY WIFE!
485
00:24:53,967 --> 00:24:56,627
OH WELL."
486
00:24:56,633 --> 00:25:00,233
PEACE Y'ALL.
MY NAME IS JOE TORRY. THANK YOU. GOD BLESS YOU.
487
00:25:00,233 --> 00:25:02,473
( crowd cheers )
488
00:25:09,233 --> 00:25:11,873
RUSSELL SIMMONS, Y'ALL.
RUSSELL SIMMONS.
489
00:25:11,867 --> 00:25:15,227
( crowd cheers )
490
00:25:17,667 --> 00:25:20,197
THANK YOU FOR COMING OUT.
GOD BLESS, GOOD NIGHT.
491
00:25:24,100 --> 00:25:27,230
( theme music playing )
492
00:25:27,280 --> 00:25:31,830
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