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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:17,400 --> 00:00:20,030 Kid Capri: IT'S THE ONE AND ONLY "RUSSELL SIMMONS 2 00:00:20,033 --> 00:00:22,203 DEF COMEDY JAM," 3 00:00:22,200 --> 00:00:25,070 WITH YOUR HOST, MIKE EPPS. 4 00:00:25,066 --> 00:00:27,026 TONIGHT'S GUESTS-- T-REXX, 5 00:00:27,033 --> 00:00:30,133 CHRIS SPENCER, COREY HOLCOMB, 6 00:00:30,133 --> 00:00:32,373 AND JOE TORRY. 7 00:00:34,800 --> 00:00:38,500 I AM YOUR MAN, THE WORLD'S GREATEST DJ, THE KID CAPRI. 8 00:00:38,500 --> 00:00:41,130 - AND WE ARE BACK. - ( audience cheering ) 9 00:00:42,400 --> 00:00:46,530 AND NOW YOUR HOST-- MIKE EPPS. 10 00:00:46,533 --> 00:00:49,733 ( cheering ) 11 00:00:53,633 --> 00:00:55,133 YEAH! 12 00:00:55,133 --> 00:00:58,333 ONE MORE TIME FOR KID CAPRI, Y'ALL. KID CAPRI. 13 00:00:58,333 --> 00:01:00,703 ( cheering ) 14 00:01:01,633 --> 00:01:03,973 OH, SHIT. 15 00:01:03,967 --> 00:01:08,297 I'VE GOT ON SOME PAJAMAS WITH THE FEET IN THEM RIGHT NOW. 16 00:01:08,300 --> 00:01:09,970 BOY, YOU ALL LOOK GOOD. 17 00:01:09,967 --> 00:01:13,097 HOW Y'ALL DOING? WHAT'S UP? WHAT'S UP? 18 00:01:13,100 --> 00:01:16,530 ( cheering ) 19 00:01:16,533 --> 00:01:19,803 LOOK AT THAT LITTLE BOOGER MOVE RIGHT THERE-- BOOGER MOVE. 20 00:01:21,333 --> 00:01:24,073 HOW MANY OF Y'ALL HAVE EVER WIPED A BOOGER ON YOUR FRIEND'S CAR SEAT? 21 00:01:24,066 --> 00:01:25,966 DON'T LIE, MOTHERFUCKERS. 22 00:01:27,700 --> 00:01:31,630 WHAT, NO NAPKINS OR NOTHIN'? I'M PUTTING THE BOOGER RIGHT HERE. 23 00:01:31,633 --> 00:01:33,273 FUCK YOU. 24 00:01:34,867 --> 00:01:38,097 Y'ALL DONE DID THAT SHIT BEFORE TOO. THAT'S WHY YOU'RE LAUGHING. 25 00:01:39,667 --> 00:01:42,997 THIS LITTLE OUTFIT HOTTER THAN A MOTHERFUCKER RIGHT HERE. 26 00:01:47,700 --> 00:01:50,100 MY GRANDMOTHER DON'T THINK I'M IN SHOW BUSINESS. 27 00:01:50,100 --> 00:01:52,300 SHE THINKS I'M-- I TOLD HER I'M IN THE MOVIES. 28 00:01:52,300 --> 00:01:55,470 TALKING ABOUT, "YOU NEED TO COME HOME AND FILL OUT AN APPLICATION OVER HERE." 29 00:01:55,467 --> 00:01:57,627 I SAID, "FUCK KROGER. AIN'T NOBODY FILLING OUT-- 30 00:01:57,633 --> 00:02:00,533 FILLING OUT NO MOTHERFUCKING APPLICATION OVER THERE." 31 00:02:00,533 --> 00:02:04,273 GRANDMOTHERS KNOW WHERE TO GET A JOB AT, DON'T THEY? 32 00:02:04,266 --> 00:02:06,966 "I TELL-- GO RIGHT UP THERE AT-- 33 00:02:06,967 --> 00:02:09,727 FILL-- TAKE AN APPLICATION RIGHT NOW. 34 00:02:11,066 --> 00:02:12,696 AIN'T NO REASON WHY YOU SHOULDN'T BE UP THERE 35 00:02:12,700 --> 00:02:15,900 PUTTING IN AN APPLICATION UP THERE. THEY'RE HIRING EVERYBODY. 36 00:02:17,066 --> 00:02:19,126 THEY HIRED JAY PETERSON ON THE SPOT. 37 00:02:19,133 --> 00:02:21,773 PUT HIM RIGHT TO WORK. 38 00:02:24,200 --> 00:02:26,000 THEY GET 12 HOURS A WEEK. 39 00:02:26,000 --> 00:02:29,330 THEY PUT HIM RIGHT TO WORK. 40 00:02:29,333 --> 00:02:32,473 I AIN'T GOT TO SIT UP HERE AND LIE ABOUT NONE OF THAT." 41 00:02:33,867 --> 00:02:36,997 Y'ALL READY FOR THE FIRST COMEDIAN? 42 00:02:37,000 --> 00:02:39,600 ( cheering ) 43 00:02:40,633 --> 00:02:43,103 GIVE IT UP FOR T-REXX. 44 00:02:53,233 --> 00:02:55,003 KID CAPRI HOLDING IT DOWN 45 00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:57,230 FOR THE BEIGE MOTHERFUCKERS IN 2006. 46 00:02:57,233 --> 00:03:01,003 ( audience cheers ) 47 00:03:01,000 --> 00:03:03,470 GOT TO CLEAR THAT UP OFF THE BAT. 48 00:03:03,467 --> 00:03:05,827 A LOT OF YOU ARE LOOKING AT ME LIKE YOU'RE STILL TRYING TO FIGURE OUT 49 00:03:05,834 --> 00:03:07,534 WHAT THE FUCK I AM. 50 00:03:07,533 --> 00:03:09,103 I'M HALF BLACK AND HALF WHITE. 51 00:03:09,100 --> 00:03:11,630 LADIES, I AM BLACK FROM THE WAIST DOWN, 52 00:03:11,633 --> 00:03:15,273 WHITE FROM THE WALLET UP. 53 00:03:16,834 --> 00:03:19,734 BIG DICK AND GOOD CREDIT, I'M RARE. 54 00:03:19,734 --> 00:03:23,034 I GO TO THE CLUB AND TAKE MY DICK AND MY WALLET OUT AND STAND-- 55 00:03:26,900 --> 00:03:28,830 I'M ORIGINALLY FROM THE EAST COAST. 56 00:03:28,834 --> 00:03:30,904 MAN, I DON'T KNOW HOW THE FUCK Y'ALL DOING THE TRAFFIC OUT HERE. 57 00:03:30,900 --> 00:03:32,500 HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU ALL DEALING WITH THAT SHIT, MAN? 58 00:03:32,500 --> 00:03:35,170 HOW IS THERE A TRAFFIC JAM AT 10:00 AT FUCKING NIGHT? 59 00:03:35,166 --> 00:03:39,096 LIKE, WHAT CLUB ARE THESE MOTHERFUCKERS GOING TOO, GOD DAMN IT? 60 00:03:40,533 --> 00:03:43,433 AFTER SITTING IN TRAFFIC FOR SO LONG I START THINKING EVIL SHIT, MAN. 61 00:03:43,433 --> 00:03:45,503 LIKE AFTER 45 MINUTES I'M THINKING TO MYSELF, 62 00:03:45,500 --> 00:03:48,070 "THERE BETTER BE A MOTHERFUCKING BODY IN THE STREET UP HERE. 63 00:03:48,066 --> 00:03:50,296 WE'VE BEEN IN TRAFFIC FOR AN HOUR, I WANT TO SEE 64 00:03:50,300 --> 00:03:53,770 A HEADLESS TORSO ON THE GODDAMN MEDIAN STRIP." 65 00:03:53,767 --> 00:03:57,127 YOU GET UP TO THE FUCKING ACCIDENT, IT'S NEVER ANYTHING SERIOUS. 66 00:03:57,133 --> 00:03:59,273 IT'S ALWAYS TWO MEXICANS FIGHTING OVER INSURANCE. 67 00:03:59,266 --> 00:04:01,326 ( Mexican accent ) "I NO HAS NO INSURANCE." 68 00:04:01,333 --> 00:04:03,033 "YOU NO HAS INSURANCE?" 69 00:04:03,033 --> 00:04:06,003 "NO, SENOR. ME NO HAS NO INSURANCE." 70 00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:07,600 "YOU NO HAS INS--" 71 00:04:07,600 --> 00:04:10,130 "NO, SENOR, ME NO HAS NO INSURANCE." 72 00:04:10,133 --> 00:04:12,133 "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO HAS INSURANCE." 73 00:04:12,133 --> 00:04:14,073 "NO, BUT I NO HAS INSURANCE." 74 00:04:14,066 --> 00:04:15,896 "YOU NO HAS INSURANCE?" 75 00:04:15,900 --> 00:04:18,730 "NO, SENOR, I NO HAS INSURANCE." 76 00:04:18,734 --> 00:04:20,674 "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO HAS INSURANCE." 77 00:04:20,667 --> 00:04:23,027 "I NO HAS INSURANCE." 78 00:04:23,033 --> 00:04:24,633 "YOU NO HAS?" 79 00:04:26,300 --> 00:04:29,700 JUST TRYING TO SEE HOW MANY DIFFERENT WAYS WE CAN ASK THE SAME FUCKING QUESTION. 80 00:04:29,700 --> 00:04:32,230 "YOU NO HAS INSURANCE?" 81 00:04:32,233 --> 00:04:36,203 "NO, SENOR, I NO HAS." 82 00:04:36,200 --> 00:04:38,100 OF COURSE HE DON'T HAVE INSURANCE. 83 00:04:38,100 --> 00:04:40,930 LOOK AT THAT SHIT YOU'RE DRIVING. YOU CAN'T INSURE THAT. 84 00:04:40,934 --> 00:04:43,234 THEY WANT TO CLOSE THE FUCKING BORDERS. 85 00:04:43,233 --> 00:04:45,403 I KNOW REDNECKS ARE FUCKING HAPPY ABOUT THAT. 86 00:04:45,400 --> 00:04:48,230 "GOD DAMN IT, GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE COUNTRY." 87 00:04:49,700 --> 00:04:51,700 THAT'S WHAT I'M THINKING. WE NEED TO STOP THE FUCKING WAR. 88 00:04:51,700 --> 00:04:54,500 THE WAY WE CAN STOP THE WAR IS WITH THESE GODDAMN REDNECKS, MAN. 89 00:04:54,500 --> 00:04:57,330 BRING OUR FUCKING KIDS HOME AND SEND REDNECKS OVER THERE, 90 00:04:57,333 --> 00:05:00,003 'CAUSE THEY'RE THE MOST PATRIOTIC MOTHERFUCKERS ON THE PLANET. 91 00:05:01,967 --> 00:05:05,097 REDNECKS DON'T PLAY THAT SHIT, MAN. YOU SEE THEM AFTER 9/11? 92 00:05:05,100 --> 00:05:07,400 "YOU DON'T COME TO MY FUCKIN' BACKYARD, 93 00:05:07,400 --> 00:05:10,070 USE MY GODDAMN AIR VEHICLES 94 00:05:10,066 --> 00:05:13,466 TO PULL OFF YOUR TERRORIST ACTIVITY. 95 00:05:14,633 --> 00:05:16,603 GET THE FUCK OFF ME, CONNIE CHANG, 96 00:05:16,600 --> 00:05:18,970 YOU AIN'T SUPPOSED TO BE HERE NEITHER." 97 00:05:25,900 --> 00:05:27,230 WE'RE IN A COOL TIME RIGHT NOW THOUGH, 98 00:05:27,233 --> 00:05:29,533 'CAUSE RIGHT NOW, REDNECKS ARE LOOKING FOR THE TERRORISTS. 99 00:05:29,533 --> 00:05:31,303 THEY AIN'T WORRIED ABOUT NIGGAS. WE'RE COOL. 100 00:05:31,300 --> 00:05:34,670 THEY EVEN STARTED PUTTING RAPPERS IN FUCKING COUNTRY SONGS AND SHIT. 101 00:05:34,667 --> 00:05:36,867 I'M SURE YOU HEARD THAT MOTHERFUCKER, YOU KNOW. 102 00:05:36,867 --> 00:05:39,897 AND THEY GOT-- REDNECKS ARE EVEN STARTING TO PICK UP ON SLANG. 103 00:05:39,900 --> 00:05:41,770 A REDNECK HEARS SOME COMMOTION OUTSIDE-- 104 00:05:41,767 --> 00:05:43,827 "WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON OUT HERE, GOD DAMN IT? 105 00:05:43,834 --> 00:05:46,404 EVERYBODY CALM-- OH, WAIT A MINUTE. RELAX FELLAS. 106 00:05:46,400 --> 00:05:48,870 IT'S REGULAR NIGGAS, IT AIN'T THEM SAND NIGGAS. 107 00:05:48,867 --> 00:05:52,067 HEY HEY HEY. MY BAD, DUDE, MY BAD. 108 00:05:52,066 --> 00:05:55,066 I SEE YA PARTYING. I AIN'T TRYING TO FUCK YOUR FLOW UP. 109 00:05:55,066 --> 00:05:57,826 ALL RIGHT, YOU GOT YOUR HONEYS AND THE BLING BLING. 110 00:05:57,834 --> 00:06:01,874 FAR BE IT FROM ME TO FUCK UP YOUR THUG THIZZLE, YOU UNDERSTAND ME? 111 00:06:01,867 --> 00:06:04,967 OKAY, HOLLER AT YOUR BOY, ALL RIGHT?" 112 00:06:07,667 --> 00:06:09,767 I DON'T FUCK WITH REDNECKS, MAN. 113 00:06:09,767 --> 00:06:12,927 I'M TELLING YOU, REDNECKS ARE THE SCARIEST MOTHERFUCKERS ON THE PLANET. 114 00:06:12,934 --> 00:06:16,134 THEY'RE THE ONLY BREED OF WHITE PERSON THAT'S NOT AFRAID OF BLACK PEOPLE. 115 00:06:16,133 --> 00:06:18,973 A REGULAR BLACK DUDE, YOU COULD SCARE A REGULAR WHITE DUDE. 116 00:06:18,967 --> 00:06:21,067 YOU COULD SCARE HIM AT ANY TIME. 117 00:06:21,066 --> 00:06:22,726 LIKE YOU RIGHT THERE, YOU'VE GOT THE FUCKING-- 118 00:06:22,734 --> 00:06:25,304 THE OPIE AND THE FUCKING SHIRT-- 119 00:06:25,300 --> 00:06:28,370 YOU PROBABLY GOT A NICE LITTLE JOB, 120 00:06:28,367 --> 00:06:31,867 ALL YOUR TEETH AND SHIT. YOU DON'T WANT TO LOSE NONE OF THAT SHIT. 121 00:06:31,867 --> 00:06:34,797 NICE SIZE BROTHER LIKE THAT RIGHT THERE COME UP TO YOU, 122 00:06:34,800 --> 00:06:38,170 YOU STEP ON HIS SHOE, HE BE LIKE, "HEY, MOTHERFUCKER, YOU STEPPED ON MY SHOE!" 123 00:06:38,166 --> 00:06:41,096 "HOLLY SIMOLES. 124 00:06:41,100 --> 00:06:43,470 WHOO, I'M SO SORRY. 125 00:06:43,467 --> 00:06:46,367 LOOK AT THE SIZE OF YOU. ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS RIGHT NOW? 126 00:06:47,433 --> 00:06:49,903 ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? COME ON. 127 00:06:49,900 --> 00:06:52,200 I DIDN'T SEE YOUR SHOE. I'M SORRY. HOW ABOUT $20? 128 00:06:52,200 --> 00:06:54,170 CAN WE KEEP THIS VERBAL AND NOT MAKE IT PHYSICAL? 129 00:06:54,166 --> 00:06:56,266 HERE'S $20 TO HANDLE THE SCUFF ON YOUR SHOE. 130 00:06:56,266 --> 00:06:58,996 HUH? I BELIEVE YOU PEOPLE CALL IT A DUB." 131 00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:01,400 ( laughs ) 132 00:07:03,367 --> 00:07:05,927 REDNECK, COMPLETELY DIFFERENT FUCKING STORY. 133 00:07:05,934 --> 00:07:08,104 YOU CAN'T SCARE A REDNECK OUT OF A FIGHT. 134 00:07:08,100 --> 00:07:10,300 A REDNECK WILL TALK SO MUCH SHIT BACK 135 00:07:10,300 --> 00:07:11,730 THAT YOU'LL START SECOND- GUESSING WHY THE FUCK 136 00:07:11,734 --> 00:07:14,234 YOU EVEN SAID ANYTHING TO THIS MOTHERFUCKER IN THE FIRST PLACE. 137 00:07:14,233 --> 00:07:17,973 A REDNECK STEP ON YOUR SHOE-- YOU COULD OUTWEIGH A REDNECK BY 100 LBS-- 138 00:07:17,967 --> 00:07:20,427 "HEY MOTHERFUCKER, YOU STEPPED ON MY SHOE!" 139 00:07:20,433 --> 00:07:23,603 "WELL, YOUR GODDAMN FEET SHOULDN'T BE SO FUCKING BIG, NOW SHOULD THEY? 140 00:07:23,600 --> 00:07:27,870 OH NO, YOU CAN'T HAVE A REGULAR SIZE SHOE LIKE A HUMAN FUCKING BEING. 141 00:07:27,867 --> 00:07:29,897 WHAT IS THAT, 13 FUCKING 14? 142 00:07:29,900 --> 00:07:32,000 WHAT ARE YOU, SOME SORT OF FUCKING PRIMATE? 143 00:07:32,000 --> 00:07:33,930 ARE YOU THE MISSING LINK BETWEEN MAN AND APE? 144 00:07:33,934 --> 00:07:37,174 HEY EVERYBODY ON THE BUS, I DONE DISCOVERED THE FUCKING MISSING LINK. 145 00:07:37,166 --> 00:07:39,896 SOMEONE CALL THE SMITHSONIAN, I WANT A GODDAMN REWARD. 146 00:07:39,900 --> 00:07:42,000 YOU PROBABLY GOT TO WEAR PLATFORM SHOES 147 00:07:42,000 --> 00:07:45,400 SO YOU DON'T DRAG YOUR GODDAMN KNUCKLES ON THE GROUND, MOTHERFUCKER. 148 00:07:45,400 --> 00:07:47,200 I'M AMAZED YOU'RE EVEN STANDING UPRIGHT. 149 00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:49,530 YOU LOOK LIKE NUMBER THREE ON THE EVOLUTION CHART. 150 00:07:49,533 --> 00:07:51,273 LOOK HERE, MIGHTY JOE YOUNG, 151 00:07:51,266 --> 00:07:52,926 YOU DON'T WANT ME TO STEP ON YOUR BIG BLACK FEET 152 00:07:52,934 --> 00:07:55,074 NEXT TIME YOU SEE ME COMING AT YOU, I DON'T GIVE A FUCK, 153 00:07:55,066 --> 00:07:58,266 TURN IT INTO A DANCE MOVE. CHA-CHA SLIDE, TURN TO THE SIDE, 154 00:07:58,266 --> 00:08:01,666 MOTHERFUCKER. CHA-CHA SLIDE, TURN TO THE SIDE." 155 00:08:01,667 --> 00:08:03,927 Y'ALL, I'M OUT OF HERE. DEF JAM, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. 156 00:08:03,934 --> 00:08:06,334 DEF JAM, LOS ANGELES. 157 00:08:06,333 --> 00:08:07,873 YOU'RE FUCKING AWESOME. 158 00:08:07,867 --> 00:08:10,097 ( cheering ) 159 00:08:11,633 --> 00:08:15,273 Epps: PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR CHRIS SPENCER! 160 00:08:18,100 --> 00:08:19,800 YEAH! 161 00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:21,770 WHAT'S UP, Y'ALL? 162 00:08:21,767 --> 00:08:25,067 I GET TO PERFORM IN L.A. 163 00:08:27,066 --> 00:08:29,166 MARRIED PEOPLE, WHERE YOU AT? 164 00:08:29,166 --> 00:08:32,326 - ( scattered applause ) - LOOK HOW SAD THAT IS. 165 00:08:32,333 --> 00:08:34,603 WATCH THE DIFFERENCE. SINGLE PEOPLE, WHERE YOU AT? 166 00:08:34,600 --> 00:08:37,330 - ( cheering ) - LOOK AT 'EM. 167 00:08:37,333 --> 00:08:40,673 HAPPY, FULL OF DISEASES. 168 00:08:40,667 --> 00:08:43,497 ( exaggerated coughing ) 169 00:08:43,500 --> 00:08:45,900 ( buzzing ) 170 00:08:47,734 --> 00:08:50,634 MY LAST GIRLFRIEND I BROKE UP WITH BECAUSE WE HAD THAT CONVERSATION. 171 00:08:50,633 --> 00:08:53,933 THE HOW-MANY-PEOPLE-HAVE- YOU-SLEPT-WITH CONVERSATION. YOU EVER HAD THAT? 172 00:08:53,934 --> 00:08:56,074 DON'T HAVE THAT CONVERSATION IN L.A., 173 00:08:56,066 --> 00:08:58,866 'CAUSE YOU HOPE YOUR NUMBER IS GOING TO BE HIGHER THAN HERS. 174 00:08:58,867 --> 00:09:01,567 I FINISHED MY LIST, I WAS LIKE, "OKAY BABY, I'M FINISHED." 175 00:09:01,567 --> 00:09:03,627 SHE'S LIKE, "HOLD ON ONE SECOND. 62... 176 00:09:03,633 --> 00:09:07,473 63... YOU WERE 64. 177 00:09:07,467 --> 00:09:11,597 65, 66, 67..." 178 00:09:12,934 --> 00:09:15,234 I JUST GOT MARRIED. 179 00:09:15,233 --> 00:09:18,473 - ( cheering ) - JUST YESTERDAY I GOT MARRIED. 180 00:09:18,467 --> 00:09:20,767 I GOT TIRED OF THE SINGLE LIFE. 181 00:09:20,767 --> 00:09:23,827 I KNOW YOU GUYS ARE OUT THERE HAVING FUN I GOT TIRED OF CONDOMS. 182 00:09:23,834 --> 00:09:27,034 CONDOMS BREAK. HAVE YOU EVER HAD A CONDOM BREAK ON YOU? 183 00:09:27,033 --> 00:09:29,903 YOU'RE HAVING SEX WITH A GIRL, IT'S LIKE, "OH MY GOD, THIS IS INCREDIBLE." 184 00:09:29,900 --> 00:09:32,570 AND THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN, IT STARTS FEELING TOO GOOD. 185 00:09:32,567 --> 00:09:36,767 IT'S LIKE, "DID YOU BURP AND OPEN UP A NEW PASSAGEWAY, 'CAUSE...?" 186 00:09:36,767 --> 00:09:39,397 AND THEN YOU LOOK DOWN, YOU'VE GOT A TURTLENECK ON YOUR DICK. 187 00:09:39,400 --> 00:09:41,330 YOU GO, "OH MY GOD." 188 00:09:41,333 --> 00:09:44,033 YOU EVER LOSE THE CONDOM COMPLETELY. 189 00:09:44,033 --> 00:09:47,633 YOU BE LIKE, "YEAH, GIRL, WHERE DID IT GO? 190 00:09:47,633 --> 00:09:49,703 IT WAS..." 191 00:09:49,700 --> 00:09:52,430 AND THEN YOU LOOK AND IT'S STILL IN HER. YOU GO, "OH... 192 00:09:52,433 --> 00:09:55,373 IT'S LIKE RIGHT THERE. YEAH." 193 00:09:56,600 --> 00:10:00,030 AND THEN SHE COUGHS AND TWO COME OUT, YOU GO, "HEY! 194 00:10:01,934 --> 00:10:04,534 THAT BETTER BE MINE FROM YESTERDAY." 195 00:10:04,533 --> 00:10:07,633 MY GIRL IS LATIN. ANY LATIN WOMEN HERE? 196 00:10:07,633 --> 00:10:09,373 ( scattered cheers ) 197 00:10:09,367 --> 00:10:12,227 WE HAVE SOME CONFLICTS SOMETIMES. SHE DON'T UNDERSTAND MY CULTURE. 198 00:10:12,233 --> 00:10:15,003 LIKE FOR HALLOWEEN, SHE WANTED MY SON TO BE A MONKEY. 199 00:10:17,166 --> 00:10:19,266 I WAS LIKE, "BABY, HE CAN'T BE A MONKEY." 200 00:10:19,266 --> 00:10:21,666 "WHY NOT? YOU'VE GOT TO SEE THE OUTFIT. 201 00:10:21,667 --> 00:10:23,467 IT'S SO CUTE. THE EARS, THE TAIL." 202 00:10:23,467 --> 00:10:25,827 I GO, "BABY, YOU KNOW THEY USED TO CALL US MONKEYS." 203 00:10:25,834 --> 00:10:28,134 "OH, YOU PEOPLE NEED TO GET OVER IT." 204 00:10:28,133 --> 00:10:30,303 I WAS LIKE, "OKAY, BITCH, OKAY. 205 00:10:30,300 --> 00:10:33,700 HOW ABOUT NEXT YEAR WE DRESS HIM UP AS A GARDENER? 206 00:10:33,700 --> 00:10:35,670 IT'S NOT FUNNY. OH YEAH. 207 00:10:35,667 --> 00:10:37,797 WHY DON'T WE STRAP A LEAF BLOWER TO HIS BACK 208 00:10:37,800 --> 00:10:40,930 SO THAT AFTER HE GETS HIS CANDY HE CAN BLOW THE LEAVES ALL OUT OF THE WAY?" 209 00:10:40,934 --> 00:10:43,504 ( imitates buzzing ) 210 00:10:45,200 --> 00:10:47,230 MY SON, I HAD A BOY-- THE BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD 211 00:10:47,233 --> 00:10:49,273 IS YOU SEE THE ULTRASOUND, YOU FIND OUT YOU'RE HAVING A BOY. 212 00:10:49,266 --> 00:10:51,396 I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE GOT KIDS HERE-- 213 00:10:51,400 --> 00:10:54,170 A LOT OF BLACK PEOPLE HERE, SO PROBABLY ALL OF Y'ALL. 214 00:10:54,166 --> 00:10:57,366 WHEN THEY SHOW YOU YOU'RE HAVING A BOY ON THE ULTRASOUND-- 215 00:10:57,367 --> 00:11:00,097 THEY WANT TO SHOW YOU OTHER PARTS OF THE BODY, BUT YOU DON'T GIVE A FUCK. 216 00:11:00,100 --> 00:11:01,900 LIKE, "LOOK, YOU CAN SEE HIS HEART IS BEATING." 217 00:11:01,900 --> 00:11:04,070 I'M LIKE, "THAT'S GREAT. ARE THOSE BALLS? 218 00:11:05,834 --> 00:11:07,704 ARE THOSE BALLS, NURSE?" 219 00:11:07,700 --> 00:11:11,400 SHE'S LIKE, "UM, WE CALL THEM TESTICLES, MR. SPENCER, 220 00:11:11,400 --> 00:11:13,570 AND YES, THOSE ARE THEM. LOOK, THE LUNGS ARE--" 221 00:11:13,567 --> 00:11:16,397 "YEAH, FUCK THAT. HE GOT A BIG OL' DICK, DON'T HE? 222 00:11:16,400 --> 00:11:20,130 HA HA. YOU'VE GOT TO ADMIT, FOR A FETUS OR AN EMBRYO OR WHATEVER-- 223 00:11:20,133 --> 00:11:23,003 LOOK BABY, HE GOT A BIG OLD DICK." SHE'S LIKE... 224 00:11:23,000 --> 00:11:25,270 "UM, THAT'S THE UMBILICAL CORD." 225 00:11:25,266 --> 00:11:27,666 THEN I PULLED DOWN MY PANTS AND SHOWED HER MY DICK. 226 00:11:27,667 --> 00:11:31,167 SHE'S LIKE, "HOLD ON ONE SECOND, I DO SEE THE FAMILY RESEMBLANCE, OKAY." 227 00:11:32,967 --> 00:11:36,367 HE'S SPANISH. THAT MEANS HIS HAIR'S A LITTLE STRAIGHT. 228 00:11:36,367 --> 00:11:37,867 I'M WORRIED ABOUT HIM NOT WANTING TO HOOP, 229 00:11:37,867 --> 00:11:40,327 'CAUSE AS A BLACK MAN MY SON NEEDS TO HOOP. 230 00:11:40,333 --> 00:11:41,803 I'M AFRAID I'LL BE LIKE, "SHOOT THE BALL. 231 00:11:41,800 --> 00:11:44,800 SHOOT THE BALL, LITTLE CHRIS." "NO, PAPI." 232 00:11:48,133 --> 00:11:51,333 "NO NO, SHOOT IT." "NO, PAPI." 233 00:11:54,266 --> 00:11:56,926 I AM RAISING PELE. "SHOOT THE BALL." 234 00:11:58,967 --> 00:12:02,227 L.A., THE HOME OF THE BLACK WOMAN WHO HATES THE WHITE WOMAN. 235 00:12:02,233 --> 00:12:04,003 ( audience groans ) 236 00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:06,100 SISTERS DO NOT LIKE A WHITE GIRL WITH A BROTHER, 237 00:12:06,100 --> 00:12:08,970 ESPECIALLY IF HE IS GOOD LOOKING LIKE ME. 238 00:12:08,967 --> 00:12:10,997 IT HURTS YOU TO THE CORE. 239 00:12:11,000 --> 00:12:13,130 YOU WOULD RATHER GET YOUR HAIR DONE AND GO SWIMMING, 240 00:12:13,133 --> 00:12:15,503 THAN SEE A BROTHER 241 00:12:15,500 --> 00:12:17,570 WITH A WHITE GIRL. 242 00:12:17,567 --> 00:12:20,327 AND BLACK WOMEN DO NOT MAKE IT ANY EASIER ON THE BROTHER, 243 00:12:20,333 --> 00:12:22,673 YELLING AT THE GIRL, "LOOK AT HER. 244 00:12:22,667 --> 00:12:24,767 YEAH, YOU BITCH." 245 00:12:24,767 --> 00:12:26,727 YOU EVER HEAR THEM SOMETIMES GROWL? 246 00:12:26,734 --> 00:12:28,804 ( growls ) 247 00:12:28,800 --> 00:12:30,170 "BITCH." 248 00:12:30,166 --> 00:12:34,066 JESUS CHRIST. MUSTAFA, WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT? 249 00:12:37,066 --> 00:12:40,596 IF I WAS WITH A WHITE GIRL AND SHE LOVED ME AND I LOVED HER-- 250 00:12:40,600 --> 00:12:42,970 FUCK IT. THAT'S JUST WHAT HAPPENED. 251 00:12:42,967 --> 00:12:44,227 ( applause ) 252 00:12:44,233 --> 00:12:46,633 YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT SHE'S DOING FOR HIM. 253 00:12:46,633 --> 00:12:50,633 SHE MIGHT HAVE LICKED HIM SOMEWHERE NOBODY ELSE HAS EVER LICKED. 254 00:12:50,633 --> 00:12:52,833 FIXED HIS CREDIT. 255 00:12:54,867 --> 00:12:57,597 IF I WAS A BROTHER WITH A WHITE GIRL AND I SAW SISTERS OVER THERE, 256 00:12:57,600 --> 00:12:59,170 "ARRGH," BARKING, "BITCH, BITCH." 257 00:12:59,166 --> 00:13:00,996 "HOLD ON ONE SECOND. EXCUSE ME, SISTERS. 258 00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:04,030 WERE ONE OF YOU GUYS GOING TO GIVE ME SOME PUSSY? NO?" 259 00:13:04,033 --> 00:13:06,473 ( snaps fingers ) "BECKY, LET'S GO, BABY." 260 00:13:07,633 --> 00:13:08,933 "ARRGH, BITCH. THERE YOU GO, BITCH." 261 00:13:08,934 --> 00:13:10,534 "HOLD ON ONE SECOND. EXCUSE ME, SISTERS. 262 00:13:10,533 --> 00:13:13,103 WERE ONE OF YOU GOING TO COSIGN A LOAN FOR ME? 263 00:13:13,100 --> 00:13:16,230 NO? BECKY, VAMONOS." 264 00:13:18,400 --> 00:13:20,070 "ARRGH, RUFF RUFF RUFF, ARRGH." 265 00:13:20,066 --> 00:13:21,766 "HOLD ON A SECOND. HOLD ON A SECOND. 266 00:13:21,767 --> 00:13:23,897 HOLD ON A SECOND. EXCUSE ME, SISTERS. 267 00:13:23,900 --> 00:13:26,400 WERE YOU GOING TO LET ME SLEEP WITH YOU AND YOUR FRIEND? 268 00:13:28,066 --> 00:13:31,566 NO? BECKY, MEGAN, LET'S GO LADIES." 269 00:13:31,567 --> 00:13:33,527 CHRIS SPENCER, Y'ALL. THANK YOU, VERY MUCH. 270 00:13:33,533 --> 00:13:35,273 ( cheering ) 271 00:13:35,266 --> 00:13:38,266 Epps: COMING TO THE STAGE, STRAIGHT OUT OF CHICAGO, 272 00:13:38,266 --> 00:13:41,166 GIVE IT UP FOR COREY HOLCOMB. 273 00:13:45,900 --> 00:13:48,700 WHAT UP? ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO. 274 00:13:48,700 --> 00:13:51,470 WHAT UP, CHI-TOWN? 275 00:13:52,800 --> 00:13:55,800 UGH. YOU EVER... 276 00:13:55,800 --> 00:13:59,100 YOU EVER FUCK A FAT CHICK WITH REGULAR PEOPLE LEGS? 277 00:13:59,100 --> 00:14:02,070 ( audience laughing ) 278 00:14:08,100 --> 00:14:11,270 LOOK LIKE A HEART WHEN SHE WALK INTO THE BATHROOM. 279 00:14:11,266 --> 00:14:12,566 LIKE, "DAMN, MAN. 280 00:14:12,567 --> 00:14:15,767 SHIT, I JUST FUCKED THE HAMBURGLAR, NIGGA." 281 00:14:19,767 --> 00:14:22,867 I GOT TO GET MY PAIN UP HERE. LOOK, Y'ALL DON'T KNOW HOW BAD I GOT IT. 282 00:14:22,867 --> 00:14:25,267 I DID A SHOW IN ATLANTA THREE MONTHS AGO 283 00:14:25,266 --> 00:14:27,626 AND I GOT A ONE-NIGHT STAND PREGNANT. 284 00:14:27,633 --> 00:14:29,903 - ( audience groans ) - ( laughs ) 285 00:14:29,900 --> 00:14:33,930 I KNOW. SHE ALREADY CALLED ON MY PHONE TALKING CRAZY. 286 00:14:33,934 --> 00:14:36,404 "YOU NEED TO GET READY TO TAKE CARE 287 00:14:36,400 --> 00:14:39,370 OF YOUR RESPONSIBILITY." 288 00:14:40,700 --> 00:14:43,870 SHE DON'T KNOW THAT I'M GOING TO PUT SOME DOPE IN HER CAR. 289 00:14:47,633 --> 00:14:51,773 ( snickers ) "YOU NEED TO GET READY FOR YOUR CASE, GOD DAMN IT. 290 00:14:53,533 --> 00:14:57,133 THAT LITTLE MOTHERFUCKER WILL BE BORN INCARCERATED, GOD DAMN IT. 291 00:14:57,133 --> 00:14:59,373 YOU A CRIMINAL. 292 00:14:59,367 --> 00:15:02,197 GET ME A LITTLE ANTWONE FISHER WITH YOUR ASS." 293 00:15:04,567 --> 00:15:06,467 Y'ALL DON'T KNOW, THEY, UM-- 294 00:15:06,467 --> 00:15:07,927 A LOT OF Y'ALL DON'T KNOW ABOUT THIS. 295 00:15:07,934 --> 00:15:11,174 LADIES, THEY'VE GOT A NEW ABORTION PILL OUT. 296 00:15:11,166 --> 00:15:14,226 NOT THE MORNING-AFTER PILL. NO, THIS IS A PILL 297 00:15:14,233 --> 00:15:16,533 WHERE YOU CAN HAVE AN ABORTION UP TO EIGHT WEEKS 298 00:15:16,533 --> 00:15:18,103 AFTER YOU GET PREGNANT. 299 00:15:18,100 --> 00:15:19,870 SO FELLAS, YOU GOT TO BE CREATIVE. 300 00:15:19,867 --> 00:15:22,697 THAT MEANS YOU CAN CRUSH THE PILL UP AND PUT IT IN HER DRINK. 301 00:15:22,700 --> 00:15:24,630 ( laughs ) 302 00:15:24,633 --> 00:15:27,803 ( groaning ) 303 00:15:32,000 --> 00:15:33,470 SHE BE GETTING DRUNK TALKING ABOUT, 304 00:15:33,467 --> 00:15:36,427 "YOU KNOW WHAT? I THINK I'M GOING TO HAVE IT." 305 00:15:38,066 --> 00:15:40,466 YOU'LL BE LIKE, "I THINK YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE IT TONIGHT." 306 00:15:43,100 --> 00:15:46,030 ( laughs ) 307 00:15:51,500 --> 00:15:53,130 ALL RIGHT, FELLAS IN THE AUDIENCE, 308 00:15:53,133 --> 00:15:55,233 CLAP YOUR HANDS IF YOU PAY CHILD SUPPORT. 309 00:15:55,233 --> 00:15:56,903 CLAP YOUR HANDS IF YOU PAY CHILD SUPPORT. 310 00:15:56,900 --> 00:15:58,830 ( scattered applause ) 311 00:16:01,533 --> 00:16:05,303 LADIES, Y'ALL LUCKY THEY CAME OUT WITH THAT CHILD SUPPORT LAW. 312 00:16:05,300 --> 00:16:07,330 Y'ALL CAUGHT A BREAK WITH THAT. 313 00:16:07,333 --> 00:16:09,103 IF IT WEREN'T FOR THAT CHILD SUPPORT, 314 00:16:09,100 --> 00:16:12,270 THERE WOULD BE A WHOLE LOT OF BUM-ASS WOMEN HERE IN THE WORLD. 315 00:16:12,266 --> 00:16:14,426 THAT'S RIGHT, IF IT WEREN'T FOR CHILD SUPPORT 316 00:16:14,433 --> 00:16:18,803 SOME OF Y'ALL WILL BE DOWN HERE TONIGHT IN OLD-ASS FUBU BLOUSES. 317 00:16:20,233 --> 00:16:24,633 GODDAMN DIADORA GYM SHOES ON AND ALL THAT STUFF. 318 00:16:26,100 --> 00:16:28,130 AND Y'ALL CLOWN NIGGAS IN CHILD SUPPORT COURT. 319 00:16:28,133 --> 00:16:31,973 FELLAS, ON YOUR NEXT DAY OFF YOU OWE IT TO YOURSELF 320 00:16:31,967 --> 00:16:34,767 TO JUST GO SIT THROUGH A CHILD SUPPORT COURT SESSION. 321 00:16:34,767 --> 00:16:38,267 IT IS HILARIOUS. LADIES, OOH, Y'ALL ARE WRONG FOR THAT. 322 00:16:38,266 --> 00:16:42,426 LADIES, Y'ALL GOT MORE CASES AGAINST NIGGAS THAN THE FEDS. 323 00:16:44,834 --> 00:16:47,774 BOY, THEY BE THERE AND THEY SET YOU OUT IN COURT TOO. 324 00:16:47,767 --> 00:16:52,227 "THAT'S RIGHT, YOUR HONOR, AND HE SELL DRUGS." 325 00:16:55,333 --> 00:16:59,603 "HEY, THIS BITCH'S SON WORK FOR ME, THOUGH." 326 00:17:00,400 --> 00:17:03,100 ( laughs ) 327 00:17:06,767 --> 00:17:09,097 Y'ALL DON'T KNOW, I'VE GOT IT ROUGH. BOY, I GOTTA-- 328 00:17:09,100 --> 00:17:12,700 I MOVED TO L.A. FROM CHICAGO SIX YEARS AGO. 329 00:17:12,700 --> 00:17:14,830 AND RIGHT BEFORE I MOVED OUT HERE 330 00:17:14,834 --> 00:17:17,234 I HAD A SON IN CHICAGO. 331 00:17:17,233 --> 00:17:19,503 SO I GO BACK AND SEE HIM EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE. 332 00:17:19,500 --> 00:17:22,830 SO I WAS THERE FOR THE LAST HOLIDAY 333 00:17:22,834 --> 00:17:25,974 AND, YOU KNOW, HIS MOM HAS GOTTEN MARRIED SINCE THEN. 334 00:17:25,967 --> 00:17:28,627 SO SHE WAS AT WORK AND HER HUSBAND ANSWERED THE DOOR. 335 00:17:28,633 --> 00:17:32,073 ( chuckles ) AND I WAS LIKE, "HEY, WHAT'S UP, MAN?" 336 00:17:32,066 --> 00:17:34,426 I'M ABOUT TO TAKE HIM TO THE MALL. 337 00:17:34,433 --> 00:17:37,073 UH, I WAS WONDERING IF YOU WANTED TO GO WITH US 338 00:17:37,066 --> 00:17:40,696 'CAUSE I DON'T REALLY KNOW THE LITTLE PLAYER LIKE THAT. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 339 00:17:40,700 --> 00:17:43,300 ( laughs ) 340 00:17:46,033 --> 00:17:49,833 IT WAS ME, HER HUSBAND AND MY SON AT THE MALL LIKE A COUPLE. 341 00:17:49,834 --> 00:17:52,674 WE WERE WALKING AROUND THAT MOTHERFUCKER... 342 00:17:52,667 --> 00:17:56,497 MY SON WAS LIKE, "COREY, YOU'RE GOING TO BUY ME SOME SHOES?" 343 00:17:56,500 --> 00:17:59,530 I WAS LIKE, "OF COURSE. YEAH, I'LL GET YOU SOME SHOES." 344 00:17:59,533 --> 00:18:03,833 HE WAS LIKE, "DADDY, COREY'S GOING TO BUY ME SOME SHOES." 345 00:18:06,333 --> 00:18:09,173 I LEFT BOTH OF THEIR ASSES AT THE MALL. I WAS LIKE, 346 00:18:09,166 --> 00:18:11,766 "Y'ALL BETTER OFF WITHOUT ME. I'LL JUST-- 347 00:18:11,767 --> 00:18:14,327 I'M JUST INTERFERING. FUCK IT." 348 00:18:17,166 --> 00:18:20,596 GOT TO SEND A SHOUT OUT TO MY BABY'S MAMA 349 00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:23,270 I CAN'T STAND OUT THERE IN MAYWOOD, ILLINOIS. 350 00:18:23,266 --> 00:18:24,766 WHAT'S UP WITH YOUR BUM ASS? 351 00:18:24,767 --> 00:18:26,997 ( laughs ) 352 00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:28,430 THAT'S THE ONE I'M NOT PROUD OF. 353 00:18:28,433 --> 00:18:30,333 SHE SLEEPS AROUND WITH A LOT OF GUYS. 354 00:18:30,333 --> 00:18:34,033 SHE'S BEEN ON HER BACK MORE THAN THE WEAKEST NIGGA IN WRESTLING PRACTICE. 355 00:18:36,567 --> 00:18:39,727 AND SHE FELL OFF IN THE LOOKS DEPARTMENT. 356 00:18:39,734 --> 00:18:43,104 I'VE GOT TO EXPLAIN HER EVERY TIME 357 00:18:43,100 --> 00:18:45,330 I INTRODUCE HER TO SOMEBODY. 358 00:18:47,166 --> 00:18:49,366 I'LL BE WALKING WITH HER, "HEY, WHAT'S UP, MAN? 359 00:18:49,367 --> 00:18:52,797 THIS IS MY DAUGHTER'S MOM RIGHT HERE." 360 00:18:57,900 --> 00:19:02,470 HEY, THIS BITCH WAS COOL WHEN I DID DEF JAM BACK IN THE DAY, NIGGA. 361 00:19:02,467 --> 00:19:05,697 HEY, I'M COREY HOLCOMB. PEACE OUT, Y'ALL. I'M OUTTA HERE. 362 00:19:08,433 --> 00:19:11,073 Epps: COMING TO THE STAGE, STRAIGHT OUT OF ST. LOUIS, 363 00:19:11,066 --> 00:19:14,096 GIVE IT UP FOR JOE TORRY, Y'ALL, COME ON! 364 00:19:16,533 --> 00:19:18,703 WHAT'S UP? 365 00:19:19,567 --> 00:19:21,027 YEAH YEAH YEAH. 366 00:19:25,133 --> 00:19:26,903 SETTLE DOWN. 367 00:19:26,900 --> 00:19:28,670 KID, MY NIGGA. 368 00:19:28,667 --> 00:19:31,297 WHAT'S UP, BIG PIMPING? 369 00:19:31,300 --> 00:19:33,270 Y'ALL READY TO LAUGH IN HERE, SAY, "HELL YEAH!" 370 00:19:33,266 --> 00:19:34,866 Crowd: HELL YEAH! 371 00:19:34,867 --> 00:19:36,627 ALL RIGHT, Y'ALL, SHIT! 372 00:19:36,633 --> 00:19:40,303 Y'ALL GOT THAT NEW YORK ENERGY IN THIS MOTHERFUCKER. 373 00:19:40,300 --> 00:19:42,870 SO... SO... 374 00:19:42,867 --> 00:19:45,227 WHAT I WANT IS I WANT AN AUDIENCE CHECK RIGHT NOW. 375 00:19:45,233 --> 00:19:47,733 I WANT TO HEAR ALL THE OFFICIAL ADULTS CLAP YOUR HANDS. 376 00:19:47,734 --> 00:19:50,334 IF YOU'RE AN OFFICIAL ADULT CLAP YOUR HANDS. 377 00:19:50,333 --> 00:19:52,903 ( scattered clapping ) 378 00:19:52,900 --> 00:19:54,770 ALL RIGHT. 379 00:19:54,767 --> 00:19:56,427 I SEE SOME PEOPLE CLAPPING 380 00:19:56,433 --> 00:19:58,873 LIKE THEY AIN'T SUPPOSED TO BEEN CLAPPING. 381 00:19:58,867 --> 00:20:01,397 COUPLE OF THINGS MAKE YOU AN OFFICIAL ADULT, OKAY? 382 00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:03,830 IF YOU GOT A REAL JOB 383 00:20:03,834 --> 00:20:06,504 THAT MAKES YOU AN OFFICIAL ADULT. 384 00:20:08,367 --> 00:20:10,697 YEAH, THIS IS LIKE A L.A. AUDIENCE. 385 00:20:10,700 --> 00:20:12,930 EVERYBODY IN L.A. GOT A JOB. 386 00:20:12,934 --> 00:20:16,274 TALKING ABOUT A REAL JOB-- HEALTH BENEFITS, 387 00:20:16,266 --> 00:20:18,996 GOT INSURANCE, 388 00:20:19,000 --> 00:20:20,900 401K PLAN. 389 00:20:20,900 --> 00:20:24,670 YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT IS. YOU'RE LIKE, "502?" 390 00:20:26,633 --> 00:20:28,173 401K. 391 00:20:28,166 --> 00:20:30,566 YOU KNOW, YOU GO TO WORK, THAT'S A JOB YOU CAN'T QUIT. 392 00:20:30,567 --> 00:20:32,797 YOU NEED THAT JOB. YOU'RE AN OFFICIAL ADULT. 393 00:20:32,800 --> 00:20:36,200 IF YOU'RE A PARENT YOU'RE AN OFFICIAL ADULT. CLAP IF YOU'RE A PARENT. 394 00:20:36,200 --> 00:20:40,070 - ( crowd clapping ) - I NEED TO CLAP MY DAMN SELF. 395 00:20:40,066 --> 00:20:41,696 ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR EVERYBODY WHO GOT SONS IN HERE. 396 00:20:41,700 --> 00:20:44,570 SONS IN THIS MOTHERFUCKER. 397 00:20:44,567 --> 00:20:46,297 ALL THE MEN THAT GOT SONS. 398 00:20:47,700 --> 00:20:49,730 SEE, IF YOU'RE A FATHER, 399 00:20:49,734 --> 00:20:53,434 THERE'S TWO THINGS YOU DON'T WANT IF YOU'VE GOT KIDS, 400 00:20:53,433 --> 00:20:56,973 AND THAT'S A DAUGHTER THAT'S A HO, 401 00:20:56,967 --> 00:20:59,797 OR A SON THAT'S A PUNK. 402 00:20:59,800 --> 00:21:04,330 AND IT'S YOUR FAULT IF HE'S A PUNK OR SHE'S A HO. 403 00:21:04,333 --> 00:21:07,673 'CAUSE THEY EITHER SAW IT OR YOU WEREN'T THERE TO TEACH 'EM OR TELL 'EM. 404 00:21:07,667 --> 00:21:09,767 AND I JUST GOT CUSTODY OF MY 12-YEAR-OLD. 405 00:21:09,767 --> 00:21:11,467 I JUST GOT CUSTODY. JUST GOT CUSTODY, 406 00:21:11,467 --> 00:21:14,267 ABOUT TO BE TAKEN INTO CUSTODY 'CAUSE HE'S TRYING ME. 407 00:21:14,266 --> 00:21:17,226 BUT I'M GLAD I'M THERE FOR SOME MOMENTS 'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, 408 00:21:17,233 --> 00:21:20,673 I STARTED NOTICING SOME SHIT ABOUT MY SON AND I'M GLAD I HAD TO BE THERE. 409 00:21:20,667 --> 00:21:24,467 'CAUSE WHEN YOU'RE A PARENT THERE'S MOMENTS IN LIFE YOU GOT TO BE THERE. 410 00:21:24,467 --> 00:21:26,227 SO I'M ON THE ROAD WORKING SO I CAN BE THERE, 411 00:21:26,233 --> 00:21:29,033 BUT THEN WHEN I COME IN TOWN I GET MY KID, AND I'M LIKE, "DAMN!" 412 00:21:29,033 --> 00:21:32,273 I START NOTICING SOME SHIT THAT WAS BOTHERING ME. 413 00:21:32,266 --> 00:21:35,596 FELLAS OVER, YOU KNOW, SOME TENDER MOMENTS HE HAVING IN FRONT OF THE, 414 00:21:35,600 --> 00:21:37,370 YOU KNOW, THE GUYS OVER WATCHING FOOTBALL. 415 00:21:37,367 --> 00:21:39,167 AND, YOU KNOW, YOU'RE DRINKING, PLAYING DOMINOS, 416 00:21:39,166 --> 00:21:42,026 AND MY SON JUST COMES RUNNING OUT, "I WANNA WATCH." 417 00:21:44,567 --> 00:21:46,967 AND I'M LIKE, "ARE YOU HAVING A BROKEBACK MOMENT? 418 00:21:46,967 --> 00:21:49,597 WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?" 419 00:21:49,600 --> 00:21:53,030 I'M LIKE, "GET YOUR HAND OFF YOUR HIP." AND HE-- ( whines ) 420 00:21:53,033 --> 00:21:54,973 AND, YOU KNOW, YOUR BOYS LOOKING LIKE, 421 00:21:54,967 --> 00:21:57,627 "OH, NIGGA, YOU BETTER GET YOUR SON." 422 00:21:57,633 --> 00:22:01,003 AND I'M LIKE, "LOCK IT OUT! LOCK IT OUT!" 423 00:22:01,000 --> 00:22:03,370 AND YOU GOTTA BE THERE FOR THAT MOMENT FOR THAT KID, 424 00:22:03,367 --> 00:22:06,797 'CAUSE HE CAN JUST SETTLE INTO THAT SHIT FOR A GOOD 15-16 YEARS. 425 00:22:08,266 --> 00:22:10,166 YOU GOT A SON THAT'S A PUNK. 426 00:22:10,166 --> 00:22:13,226 SO I HAD TO, "LOCK IT OUT. GET YOUR HAND DOWN. STAND UP. 427 00:22:17,033 --> 00:22:19,773 WHEN YOU FEEL THE URGE, DON'T DO IT." 428 00:22:19,767 --> 00:22:23,567 AND I WENT AND DROPPED HIS ASS OFF AND HIS MOM WAS STANDING JUST LIKE THAT. 429 00:22:23,567 --> 00:22:26,467 I'M LIKE, "THAT'S WHERE HE GETTING THAT SHIT FROM. 430 00:22:26,467 --> 00:22:27,897 I GOTTA HAVE HIM AROUND ME MORE." 431 00:22:27,900 --> 00:22:29,570 SO I GOT HIM AROUND ME MORE, AND THAT'S COOL, 432 00:22:29,567 --> 00:22:31,567 'CAUSE YOU KNOW THERE'S MOMENTS YOU GOT TO BE THERE. 433 00:22:31,567 --> 00:22:33,067 LIKE HIS FIRST FIGHT HE HAD, HE CAME HOME 434 00:22:33,066 --> 00:22:36,826 AND I WAS HAPPY HE GOT KICKED OUT OF SCHOOL 'CAUSE THERE WAS A FIGHT. 435 00:22:36,834 --> 00:22:38,534 I SAID "WHAT HAPPENED?" HE WAS LIKE, 436 00:22:38,533 --> 00:22:41,003 "WELL, HE PUNCHED ME." I SAID, "WHAT'D YOU DO?" 437 00:22:41,000 --> 00:22:43,030 "I SCRATCHED HIM." 438 00:22:45,000 --> 00:22:48,430 I SAID, "YOU DID WHAT?" ( mimics catfight ) 439 00:22:48,433 --> 00:22:51,473 "MOMMY TAUGHT ME THAT." I'M LIKE, "DON'T YOU EVER IN YOUR LIFE 440 00:22:51,467 --> 00:22:53,967 SCRATCH ANOTHER MAN. 441 00:22:53,967 --> 00:22:57,897 BITE, KICK, PUNCH, BUT YOU FUCKING SCRATCH?" 442 00:22:57,900 --> 00:22:59,330 HE SAID, "WELL, I WON." 443 00:22:59,333 --> 00:23:01,333 I WAS LIKE... 444 00:23:01,333 --> 00:23:02,973 I DIDN'T WANT TO BREAK HIS SPIRIT. 445 00:23:02,967 --> 00:23:05,467 "GIVE ME A POUND, GIVE ME A POUND, GIVE ME A POUND." 446 00:23:05,467 --> 00:23:08,097 BUT IT'S SHIT LIKE THAT YOU GOT TO BE THERE FOR. 447 00:23:08,100 --> 00:23:11,470 BUT I GOT-- THE THREE-YEAR-OLD IS A PROBLEM RIGHT NOW. 448 00:23:11,467 --> 00:23:14,167 THREE-YEAR-OLD IS CAUSING FUCKING PROBLEMS IN MY LIFE. 449 00:23:14,166 --> 00:23:16,696 FUCKING WON'T LET ME GET NEXT TO MY WIFE, 450 00:23:16,700 --> 00:23:19,430 WON'T LET ME KISS MY WIFE. IT'S LIKE HAVING A ROOMMATE 451 00:23:19,433 --> 00:23:23,433 OR A THREE-YEAR-OLD SERIAL COCK-BLOCKER AROUND THE HOUSE. 452 00:23:23,433 --> 00:23:26,333 'CAUSE I MADE LOVE A LOT. MAYBE THAT WAS IT. 453 00:23:26,333 --> 00:23:27,933 MAYBE HE GETTING ME BACK. 454 00:23:27,934 --> 00:23:31,274 'CAUSE I MADE LOVE TO MY WIFE ALL THE WAY UP TO WHEN SHE WAS EIGHT MONTHS. 455 00:23:31,266 --> 00:23:34,996 FUCK THAT. PREGNANT PUSSY IS THE BEST PUSSY YOU CAN GET. 456 00:23:35,000 --> 00:23:36,700 I COULDN'T STOP. 457 00:23:36,700 --> 00:23:39,270 AND YOU GOT TO GET IN WHEN YOU GET IN, BUT I'M LIKE, DAMN! 458 00:23:39,266 --> 00:23:42,396 AFTER THE WOMAN HAVE THE KID, SHE CAN'T DO NOTHING FOR FOUR MONTHS. 459 00:23:42,400 --> 00:23:46,770 YOU GOT TO JACK OFF AND JUST, YOU KNOW, JUST MAN UP. 460 00:23:48,066 --> 00:23:50,166 BUT THEN WHEN THEY'RE NURSING, IT'S EVEN WORSE 461 00:23:50,166 --> 00:23:51,766 'CAUSE THE BABY IS ON THE BREASTS. 462 00:23:51,767 --> 00:23:54,527 AND THE MILK IS COOL, IT'S COOL FOR THE KID, BUT DAMN, 463 00:23:54,533 --> 00:23:56,773 THEY ON THE TITTY ALL DAY. 464 00:23:56,767 --> 00:23:59,797 MY LITTLE BOY'S A SCORPIO. HE'S JUST PLAYING WITH THE SHIT. 465 00:23:59,800 --> 00:24:01,900 ( imitates baby sucking ) 466 00:24:03,266 --> 00:24:04,566 9:00 IN THE MORNING... 467 00:24:04,567 --> 00:24:06,327 12:00... 6:00 AT NIGHT. 468 00:24:06,333 --> 00:24:08,533 12:00, I'M LIKE, "GOD DAMN!" 469 00:24:08,533 --> 00:24:09,833 AND I'M TRYING TO GET SOME ASS 470 00:24:09,834 --> 00:24:12,534 AND YOU AIN'T TRYING TO DO THAT IN FRONT OF THE BABY. 471 00:24:12,533 --> 00:24:14,203 SO I'M TRYIN' TO GET IN WHEN HE GET IN. 472 00:24:14,200 --> 00:24:17,570 HE WAKE UP 2:00 IN THE MORNING, ONE-EYE... 473 00:24:17,567 --> 00:24:19,627 I WAS LIKE, "GOD DAMN!" 474 00:24:19,633 --> 00:24:21,833 SO FUCK THAT. I GOT IN BEFORE HE DID ONE TIME. 475 00:24:21,834 --> 00:24:23,674 I WAS IN 50, 50 PUMPS. I WAS IN. 476 00:24:23,667 --> 00:24:26,527 AND HE GONNA WAKE UP, START... 477 00:24:26,533 --> 00:24:29,003 I'M LIKE, "MOTHERFUCKER, WHAT YOU DOING?" 478 00:24:29,000 --> 00:24:31,300 HE GONNA ROLL OVER TO THE OTHER TITTY... 479 00:24:31,300 --> 00:24:34,730 SO I'M TRYING TO FUCK HIM OFF. "GET OFF!" 480 00:24:35,934 --> 00:24:40,334 AND MY WIFE IS LIKE, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE Y'ALL DOING?" 481 00:24:40,333 --> 00:24:42,933 AND I'M LIKE, "I'M 60 PUMPS IN. HANG ON!" 482 00:24:43,934 --> 00:24:45,434 AND HE GOING BACK AND FORTH 483 00:24:45,433 --> 00:24:47,903 AND I'M FUCKING. I LOOKED UP AND I'M LIKE, "DAMN! 484 00:24:47,900 --> 00:24:50,830 ME AND MY SON GANG BANGING MY WIFE! 485 00:24:53,967 --> 00:24:56,627 OH WELL." 486 00:24:56,633 --> 00:25:00,233 PEACE Y'ALL. MY NAME IS JOE TORRY. THANK YOU. GOD BLESS YOU. 487 00:25:00,233 --> 00:25:02,473 ( crowd cheers ) 488 00:25:09,233 --> 00:25:11,873 RUSSELL SIMMONS, Y'ALL. RUSSELL SIMMONS. 489 00:25:11,867 --> 00:25:15,227 ( crowd cheers ) 490 00:25:17,667 --> 00:25:20,197 THANK YOU FOR COMING OUT. GOD BLESS, GOOD NIGHT. 491 00:25:24,100 --> 00:25:27,230 ( theme music playing ) 492 00:25:27,280 --> 00:25:31,830 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 40320

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