All language subtitles for Def Comedy Jam s08e09.eng

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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:16,600 --> 00:00:18,170 ( theme music playing ) 2 00:00:18,166 --> 00:00:20,126 Kid Capri: IT'S THE ONE AND ONLY 3 00:00:20,133 --> 00:00:21,933 RUSSELL SIMMONS' DEF COMEDY JAM. 4 00:00:21,934 --> 00:00:24,704 WITH YOUR HOST, MIKE EPPS! 5 00:00:24,700 --> 00:00:27,270 TONIGHT'S GUESTS-- JOE CLAIR, 6 00:00:27,266 --> 00:00:28,926 JASPER REDD, 7 00:00:28,934 --> 00:00:30,374 RED GRANT, 8 00:00:30,367 --> 00:00:32,067 AND MARK CURRY. 9 00:00:34,934 --> 00:00:36,934 I AM YOUR MAN, THE WORLD'S GREATEST DJ, 10 00:00:36,934 --> 00:00:39,004 THE KID CAPRI! 11 00:00:39,000 --> 00:00:41,170 AND WE ARE BACK! 12 00:00:42,600 --> 00:00:44,500 AND NOW THE HOST, 13 00:00:44,500 --> 00:00:46,500 MIKE EPPS! 14 00:00:53,700 --> 00:00:55,170 YEAH! 15 00:00:55,166 --> 00:00:58,826 ONE MORE TIME FOR THE BADDEST DJ IN THE LAND-- KID CAPRI! 16 00:01:02,600 --> 00:01:04,470 DAMN, Y'ALL LOOK GOOD AS HELL 17 00:01:04,467 --> 00:01:06,467 OUT HERE TONIGHT, SHIT! 18 00:01:06,467 --> 00:01:08,667 WHO-- WHERE Y'ALL KIDS AT? 19 00:01:08,667 --> 00:01:10,997 WHO'S TAKIN' CARE OF THE KIDS WHILE Y'ALL UP HERE? 20 00:01:11,000 --> 00:01:12,630 KNOW Y'ALL DROPPED 'EM 21 00:01:12,633 --> 00:01:16,103 LITTLE BAD MOTHERFUCKERS OFF SOMEWHERE. 22 00:01:16,100 --> 00:01:19,370 STAY ON THEIR ASS. THAT'S RIGHT, STAY ON THEM MOTHERFUCKING KIDS' ASS 23 00:01:19,367 --> 00:01:23,167 'CAUSE DEPARTMENT OF CORRECTION'LL CORRECT 'EM IF YOU DON'T CORRECT 'EM. 24 00:01:25,367 --> 00:01:28,297 THAT'S RIGHT, BEAT THEM KIDS' ASS. 25 00:01:28,300 --> 00:01:31,800 AND GO TO THEIR SCHOOL AND-- YEAH, THE SCHOOL AIN'T SHIT NO MORE. 26 00:01:31,800 --> 00:01:34,000 THE TEACHERS IS FUCKIN' THE KIDS. 27 00:01:37,633 --> 00:01:41,573 I'M MAD 'CAUSE THEY WOULDN'T FUCK 'EM WHEN I WAS LITTLE. 28 00:01:46,900 --> 00:01:49,030 THERE WAS A COUPLE TEACHERS 29 00:01:49,033 --> 00:01:51,733 I WOULDA HAD LIKED TO HAD FUCKED! 30 00:01:51,734 --> 00:01:53,304 "STAY AFTER SCHOOL!" 31 00:01:53,300 --> 00:01:55,530 "NO PROBLEM, BITCH, I'LL BE RIGHT HERE." 32 00:01:58,700 --> 00:02:00,900 NIGGA BE IN THE BACK, BITIN' THE CONDOM-- 33 00:02:05,300 --> 00:02:07,070 THAT'S RIGHT, WHUP THEM MOTHERFUCKIN' KIDS. 34 00:02:07,066 --> 00:02:08,526 THAT'S WHAT'S WRONG WITH WHITE KIDS, 35 00:02:08,533 --> 00:02:10,603 THEY DON'T GET ENOUGH BEAT-DOWNS. 36 00:02:12,000 --> 00:02:15,030 AND THAT'S WHY WHITE KIDS'LL KILL THEIR PARENTS. 37 00:02:16,700 --> 00:02:18,300 "GET READY FOR SCHOOL, TIMMY." 38 00:02:18,300 --> 00:02:20,700 "SHUT UP, MOM, YOU'RE A DEAD BITCH LATER." 39 00:02:25,000 --> 00:02:27,230 "TIMMY, NO!" "YES, MOM!" 40 00:02:30,400 --> 00:02:33,570 YOU AIN'T NEVER HEARD OF NO NIGGA KILLIN' HIS MAMA, HAVE YOU? 41 00:02:33,567 --> 00:02:35,867 'CAUSE IT'LL SHOOT-OUT IN THAT MO-- 42 00:02:35,867 --> 00:02:38,227 ( mimics gunshots ) 43 00:02:39,633 --> 00:02:42,033 "I GOTTA CALL YOU BACK. THIS NIGGA BUSTIN' AT ME!" 44 00:02:42,033 --> 00:02:44,133 ( mimics gunshots ) 45 00:02:46,367 --> 00:02:48,097 COUCH FEATHERS AND SHIT 46 00:02:48,100 --> 00:02:50,500 FLYIN' ALL OVER THE PLACE, 47 00:02:50,500 --> 00:02:53,130 "I JUST SHOT MY GRANDSON. LEMME CALL YOU BACK." 48 00:02:56,033 --> 00:02:57,703 Y'ALL READY FOR SOME REAL COMEDY? 49 00:02:57,700 --> 00:02:59,870 Y'ALL PUT YOUR MOTHERFUCKIN' HANDS TOGETHER! 50 00:03:04,266 --> 00:03:05,826 COMING TO THE STAGE, 51 00:03:05,834 --> 00:03:07,804 I'M TELLING Y'ALL, Y'ALL GONNA REALLY ENJOY THIS MAN. 52 00:03:07,800 --> 00:03:09,670 Y'ALL DONE SEEN HIM ALL OVER THE PLACE, 53 00:03:09,667 --> 00:03:12,097 HE USED TO BE ON "RAP CITY." 54 00:03:12,100 --> 00:03:14,370 PUT YOU HANDS TOGETHER, STRAIGHT OUTTA D.C., 55 00:03:14,367 --> 00:03:16,797 FOR MY MAN, JOE CLAIR, Y'ALL. 56 00:03:24,900 --> 00:03:26,530 'SUP? 57 00:03:26,533 --> 00:03:28,033 WHASSUP? 58 00:03:28,033 --> 00:03:29,903 WHASSUP, Y'ALL? HOW YA FEELIN'? 59 00:03:29,900 --> 00:03:31,370 GOOD TO SEE Y'ALL. 60 00:03:31,367 --> 00:03:34,827 I WAS IN THE SHOWER TAKIN' A PISS, RIGHT, 61 00:03:38,467 --> 00:03:40,327 COME ON, NIGGAS, BE REAL, FUCK THAT. 62 00:03:40,333 --> 00:03:42,133 EVERY NIGGA YOU KNOW PISS IN THE SHOWER. 63 00:03:42,133 --> 00:03:44,903 LADIES, NIGGAS-- THAT'S WHAT WE DO. 64 00:03:44,900 --> 00:03:46,530 WE GOT MAN LOGIC. 65 00:03:46,533 --> 00:03:49,833 AND MAN LOGIC DICTATES, THESE THE SAME MOTHERFUCKIN' PIPES. 66 00:03:49,834 --> 00:03:51,804 MAN, FUCK THAT! 67 00:03:51,800 --> 00:03:54,170 FOR REAL, 7:30 IN THE MORNING, IT'S COLD IN HERE, 68 00:03:54,166 --> 00:03:56,766 IT'S COLD OUT THERE, IT'S WARM IN HERE, WHAT YOU DO? 69 00:03:58,600 --> 00:04:00,500 ( mutters ) MAN, FUCK THIS SHIT. 70 00:04:23,533 --> 00:04:25,273 SO I WAS IN THE SHOWER TAKING A PISS, 71 00:04:25,266 --> 00:04:27,666 AND I WAS THINKING ABOUT WHAT I WAS GONNA TALK TO Y'ALL ABOUT. 72 00:04:27,667 --> 00:04:30,597 SO I FIGURED OUT WHAT I WANTED TO TALK ABOUT IS-- 73 00:04:30,600 --> 00:04:32,200 YOU KNOW, I'M GETTING MY SPIRITUALITY STRAIGHT, 74 00:04:32,200 --> 00:04:33,670 I'M GETTING OLDER NOW, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? 75 00:04:33,667 --> 00:04:36,897 SO YOU KNOW, IT'S IMPORTANT TO ME NOW TO GET TO THAT. 76 00:04:36,900 --> 00:04:38,800 IF YOU GOIN' THROUGH TIMES OF MY AGE, 77 00:04:38,800 --> 00:04:41,670 DO THAT, MAN. 'CAUSE YOU KNOW, I'M WATCHING CHURCH NOW, 78 00:04:41,667 --> 00:04:43,797 YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? 79 00:04:45,000 --> 00:04:47,370 FUCK Y'ALL, NIGGA, I'M WATCHING! 80 00:04:47,367 --> 00:04:50,667 I AIN'T AS FAR ALONG IN MY WALK AS SOME OF Y'ALL. FUCK THAT! 81 00:04:50,667 --> 00:04:52,467 I'M WATCHING CHURCH COME ON AT HOME, NIGGA, 82 00:04:52,467 --> 00:04:54,227 THAT'S THE PERFECT PLACE TO START! 83 00:04:54,233 --> 00:04:57,173 AT HOME. SO YOU KNOW, I'M WATCHING CHURCH, BUT I GOT A QUESTION THOUGH-- 84 00:04:57,166 --> 00:05:00,666 WHAT'S UP WITH THE LIKE, THE MUSIC MINISTRY IN THE CHURCH? 85 00:05:00,667 --> 00:05:02,627 I BE WATCHING, "WHAT'S GOING ON, IT'S A LITTLE-- 86 00:05:02,633 --> 00:05:04,403 ( chuckles ) 87 00:05:05,967 --> 00:05:08,627 I'M SERIOUS DO ANYBODY-- I AIN'T SAYING NOTHING, 88 00:05:08,633 --> 00:05:10,633 BUT DO ANYBODY KNOW BOBBY JONES, 89 00:05:10,633 --> 00:05:12,933 ON "THE BOBBY JONES GOSPEL HOUR"? 90 00:05:12,934 --> 00:05:15,174 ALL RIGHT, LOOK, I AIN'T KNOW BOBBY JONES. 91 00:05:15,166 --> 00:05:18,166 SO I LEFT THE TV ON ONE NIGHT, AND WENT OUT SINNING, RIGHT? 92 00:05:18,166 --> 00:05:20,326 YOU KNOW, I WENT OUT DRINKING AND SHIT. 93 00:05:20,333 --> 00:05:23,673 SO-- FOR REAL, NIGGA! I WAS GONNA WATCH CHURCH IN THE MORNING. 94 00:05:23,667 --> 00:05:25,897 SO, YOU KNOW, I LEFT IT ON AND OVERSLEPT. 95 00:05:25,900 --> 00:05:27,670 AND I WAS DREAMING ALL A SUDDEN, 96 00:05:27,667 --> 00:05:30,627 IN MY DREAM, MOTHERFUCKIN' BOBBY JONES CAME ON, 97 00:05:30,633 --> 00:05:32,333 ALL THE FUCK I HEARD WAS, 98 00:05:32,333 --> 00:05:35,433 "YES, YES! 99 00:05:35,433 --> 00:05:37,273 GOOD MORNIN' BELOVED! 100 00:05:37,266 --> 00:05:39,396 YES, YES!" 101 00:05:39,400 --> 00:05:41,800 I WAS LIKE, "WHAT THE FUCK, WHAT THE HELL? 102 00:05:41,800 --> 00:05:43,730 LITTLE RICHARD GOT A MORNING SHOW? 103 00:05:43,734 --> 00:05:45,604 WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?" 104 00:05:45,600 --> 00:05:48,530 "MMM-HMM! THIS IS THE BOBBY JONES 105 00:05:48,533 --> 00:05:50,603 GOSPEL HOUR, UH-HUH! 106 00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:53,500 AND I AM-- OH GEE, BOBBY JONES. 107 00:05:58,033 --> 00:06:00,973 WE GOT SOME BOYS THAT'S GONNA COME OUT AND SING A SONG." 108 00:06:00,967 --> 00:06:03,697 I SAID, "WHAT THE FUCK?" 109 00:06:03,700 --> 00:06:07,170 AND SEE THE GAY THING IS A BIG ISSUE IN AMERICA. 110 00:06:07,166 --> 00:06:09,226 SEE, I GOT A SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP WITH THAT SHIT. 111 00:06:09,233 --> 00:06:12,103 'CAUSE I'M THE GAY DUDE'S BROTHER. 112 00:06:12,100 --> 00:06:14,870 Y'ALL ACT LIKE Y'ALL DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. 113 00:06:14,867 --> 00:06:17,927 Y'ALL KNOW HOW EVERY NEIGHBORHOOD GOT A GAY DUDE? 114 00:06:17,934 --> 00:06:19,704 AND HE GOT A BROTHER? 115 00:06:26,700 --> 00:06:28,900 NIGGA, THAT'S ME! 116 00:06:28,900 --> 00:06:30,670 Y'ALL CRUEL AS SHIT TO THE GAY DUDE'S BROTHER. 117 00:06:30,667 --> 00:06:32,767 Y'ALL SOME EVIL MOTHERFUCKERS, MAN! 118 00:06:32,767 --> 00:06:34,397 I'M SERIOUS, MAN, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE. 119 00:06:34,400 --> 00:06:37,230 YOU KNOW, YOU-- I SEE THE WORLD DIFFERENTLY. 120 00:06:37,233 --> 00:06:39,773 SEE, LIKE AIN'T NOBODY HERE THAT KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE 121 00:06:39,767 --> 00:06:42,767 TO HAVE TO GO TO THE GAY PRIDE PARADE WHEN YOU 11, 122 00:06:42,767 --> 00:06:45,527 'CAUSE YOUR MOTHER AIN'T GOT NO BABYSITTER MONEY. 123 00:06:46,734 --> 00:06:49,074 MY BROTHER HAD TO WATCH ME THAT DAY. 124 00:06:49,066 --> 00:06:52,426 SO NIGGA, I HAD TO GO DOWN THE GAY PRIDE PARADE, I WAS 11 YEARS OLD, NIGGA, 125 00:06:52,433 --> 00:06:54,773 AND THEN HIM AND HIS FRIENDS DRESSED ME UP, 126 00:06:54,767 --> 00:06:56,627 I HAD ON SOMEBODY'S MOTHERFUCKIN' 127 00:06:56,633 --> 00:06:59,603 "MORK AND MINDY" SUSPENDERS AND SHIT. 128 00:06:59,600 --> 00:07:02,870 YOU KNOW THE MORK FROM ORK JONES, NIGGA, I HAD ON SOME SUSPENDERS. 129 00:07:02,867 --> 00:07:04,697 I'M DOWN AT THE GAY PRIDE PARADE AND SHIT, 130 00:07:04,700 --> 00:07:07,200 I GOT FACE PAINT AND SHIT ON, 131 00:07:07,200 --> 00:07:09,330 COTTON CANDY AND SHIT, 132 00:07:11,166 --> 00:07:13,926 BUT TELL YOU THE TRUTH, I HAD A GOOD TIME, I AIN'T GONNA LIE. 133 00:07:13,934 --> 00:07:17,404 I HAD A GOOD TIME, NIGGA. I WAS 11, NIGGA, I WAS 11. 134 00:07:17,400 --> 00:07:19,630 I WAS 11, NIGGA, THEY HAD COTTON CANDY 135 00:07:19,633 --> 00:07:21,433 AND FACE PAINT, FUCK THAT. 136 00:07:21,433 --> 00:07:24,133 THERE WASN'T NO FIGHTS, ALL THAT SHIT. 137 00:07:24,133 --> 00:07:25,603 BUT I-- 138 00:07:25,600 --> 00:07:28,330 BUT I DIDN'T KNOW THEY WAS DOWN THERE TAKING PICTURES. 139 00:07:29,500 --> 00:07:31,500 HEY, MAN, THEY DOWN THERE TAKING PICTURES. 140 00:07:31,500 --> 00:07:34,430 AND THE NEXT DAY, I'M ON THE FRONT PAGE OF THE WASHINGTON POST 141 00:07:34,433 --> 00:07:36,403 AND THE CAPTION READS, 142 00:07:36,400 --> 00:07:38,630 "WASHINGTON D.C.'S GAY POPULATION 143 00:07:38,633 --> 00:07:41,403 GETS YOUNGER AND YOUNGER." 144 00:07:43,333 --> 00:07:46,173 AND I'M STANDING THERE LOOKING GOOFY AS A MOTHERFUCKER 145 00:07:46,166 --> 00:07:48,526 WITH THEM "MORK AND MINDY" SUSPENDERS ON AND SHIT, 146 00:07:48,533 --> 00:07:50,403 WITH THE FACE PAINT-- 147 00:07:53,934 --> 00:07:56,434 AND MY BROTHER AND THEM STANDING BEHIND ME POSING. 148 00:07:59,033 --> 00:08:00,833 "DO THE SUPREMES! 149 00:08:05,333 --> 00:08:08,233 NO, DO THE EMOTIONS." 150 00:08:09,367 --> 00:08:11,097 THAT'S MY BROTHER THOUGH, FUCK THAT. 151 00:08:11,100 --> 00:08:13,900 I STAND BY MY BROTHER, BUT I DO GOTTA ADMIT 152 00:08:13,900 --> 00:08:16,400 I DO GOT ONE HOMOPHOBIA-- 153 00:08:16,400 --> 00:08:19,230 AMERICA DON'T LIKE TO ADMIT IT GOT NO HO-- I GOT ONE. 154 00:08:19,233 --> 00:08:21,303 I DON'T LIKE NO GAY DUDE 155 00:08:21,300 --> 00:08:23,500 GIVING ME NOTHING CREAMY. 156 00:08:25,100 --> 00:08:27,830 DON'T NO GAY DUDE BETTER NEVER HAND ME NOTHING CREAMY, 157 00:08:27,834 --> 00:08:29,404 I'D FUCKING RATHER LOSE IT. 158 00:08:29,400 --> 00:08:31,470 YOU KNOW, LIKE YOU WALK IN STARBUCKS, 159 00:08:31,467 --> 00:08:33,397 YOU KNOW THE DUDE, HE OBVIOUSLY GAY, 160 00:08:33,400 --> 00:08:36,400 HE GOT THE PINK THING ON AND THE SUSPENDERS, 161 00:08:38,600 --> 00:08:41,030 HE GOT THE SUSPENDERS, NIGGA, YOU WALK UP, AND HE'S LIKE, 162 00:08:41,033 --> 00:08:43,273 "WELCOME TO STARBUCKS! WOULD YOU-- 163 00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:47,730 WOULD YOU LIKE TO TRY A PUMPKIN SCONE, 164 00:08:47,734 --> 00:08:50,474 OR A SPICED CHAI LATTE?" 165 00:08:55,633 --> 00:08:58,133 "IS IT CREAMY? 166 00:08:58,133 --> 00:09:00,203 NIGGA, IS IT CREAMY?" 167 00:09:00,200 --> 00:09:03,370 "WHAT, THE LATTE? OH YES, IT'S MADE WITH VITAMIN D WHOLE MILK, 168 00:09:03,367 --> 00:09:05,127 AND IT'S GOT WHIPPED CREAM 169 00:09:05,133 --> 00:09:07,733 AND EXTRA FROTH, AND CREAM, 170 00:09:07,734 --> 00:09:10,734 AND YOU CAN GET MORE CREAM IN IT, AND SOME MORE CREAM." 171 00:09:10,734 --> 00:09:12,374 "FUCK NO! 172 00:09:12,367 --> 00:09:14,927 FUCK NO, I DON'T WANT ONE! GIMME BLACK COFFEE, NIGGA! 173 00:09:14,934 --> 00:09:16,804 REGULAR BLACK COFFEE! 174 00:09:16,800 --> 00:09:18,800 AND LEAVE THE TOP OFF MY SHIT 175 00:09:18,800 --> 00:09:22,000 SO I CAN SEE IT. THERE BETTER NOT EVEN BE NO BUBBLES ON MY SHIT. 176 00:09:22,000 --> 00:09:24,270 UH, CHAD! 177 00:09:24,266 --> 00:09:27,426 THERE BETTER NOT BE NO BUBBLES ON MY SHIT, CHAD! 178 00:09:27,433 --> 00:09:29,903 RING MY SHIT UP, NIGGA." 179 00:09:29,900 --> 00:09:31,530 SIX WEEKS LATER, 180 00:09:31,533 --> 00:09:34,133 NIGGA, I GO TO QUIZNO'S, 181 00:09:35,266 --> 00:09:38,166 CHAD WORK PART-TIME AT QUIZNO'S. 182 00:09:41,800 --> 00:09:44,070 "WELCOME TO QUIZNO'S. WOULD YOU LIKE TO TRY 183 00:09:44,066 --> 00:09:47,166 A BACON BARBEQUE CHIPOTLE CHITLIN SUB? 184 00:09:49,033 --> 00:09:51,903 IT'S TOASTED. MMM-MM-MM MM-MMM! 185 00:09:55,133 --> 00:09:57,473 "IS IT CREAMY?" 186 00:09:57,467 --> 00:10:00,997 "YES, IT'S GOT A SPICY HABANERO MAYONNAISE SPREAD 187 00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:02,870 AND IT'S GOT CREAMY CHEESE--" 188 00:10:02,867 --> 00:10:05,497 "FUCK NO! FUCK NO, NIGGA, GIVE ME TURKEY, 189 00:10:05,500 --> 00:10:07,270 REGULAR TURKEY, IN MY HAND, 190 00:10:07,266 --> 00:10:08,826 DON'T EVEN PUT MY SHIT THROUGH THE OVEN, NIGGA, 191 00:10:08,834 --> 00:10:11,104 FUCK THAT! 192 00:10:11,100 --> 00:10:12,770 I DON'T EVEN WANT NO BREAD. 193 00:10:12,767 --> 00:10:15,397 Y'ALL AROUND HERE GOT CREAMY BREAD. GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE. 194 00:10:15,400 --> 00:10:17,800 HEY, MY NAME IS JOE CLAIR, PEACE. HOLLA AT Y'ALL. 195 00:10:28,433 --> 00:10:30,333 JOE CLAIR, Y'ALL. 196 00:10:30,333 --> 00:10:33,103 COMING TO THE STAGE STRAIGHT OUTTA KNOXVILLE, TENNESSEE, 197 00:10:33,100 --> 00:10:35,270 HE'S MAKING HIS DEBUT ON "DEF COMEDY JAM," 198 00:10:35,266 --> 00:10:37,896 PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR JASPER REDD! 199 00:10:58,533 --> 00:11:00,073 THANK YOU. 200 00:11:00,066 --> 00:11:01,896 THANK YOU, MAN. 201 00:11:01,900 --> 00:11:05,670 KEEP IT GOING FOR YOUR HOST AND OUR COMEDY CONDUCTOR, MR. MIKE EPPS. 202 00:11:08,633 --> 00:11:10,403 AND KEEP IT GOING FOR DJ KID CAPRI. 203 00:11:12,633 --> 00:11:14,403 AND GIVE IT UP FOR YOURSELVES 204 00:11:14,400 --> 00:11:17,930 FOR COMING OUT TO THE RETURN OF "DEF JAM." WE APPRECIATE IT, MAN! 205 00:11:17,934 --> 00:11:19,874 Y'ALL BLACK AND BEAUTIFUL. 206 00:11:23,367 --> 00:11:25,627 I LOVE THAT, MAN. 207 00:11:25,633 --> 00:11:28,073 ONLY AT A SHOW-- 208 00:11:31,233 --> 00:11:33,603 ONLY AT A SHOW CAN I JUST TELL A GROUP OF PEOPLE 209 00:11:33,600 --> 00:11:35,670 WHO I DON'T FUCKIN' KNOW 210 00:11:35,667 --> 00:11:38,097 TO CLAP AND Y'ALL DO IT. 211 00:11:38,100 --> 00:11:41,130 THAT'S A POWER TRIP. 212 00:11:41,133 --> 00:11:44,403 NOW IF I WORKED AT McDONALDS OR SOMEWHERE, 213 00:11:44,400 --> 00:11:48,100 I COULDN'T HAVE THAT SAME SWAGGER. 214 00:11:48,100 --> 00:11:50,300 I CAN'T BE BEHIND THE REGISTER 215 00:11:50,300 --> 00:11:52,330 ACTING A FOOL, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 216 00:11:52,333 --> 00:11:54,373 "OH, YEAH, HOLD ON, SIR, 217 00:11:54,367 --> 00:11:55,927 HOLD ON ONE. 218 00:11:55,934 --> 00:11:58,034 NOW BEFORE I TAKE YOUR ORDER, MA'AM, 219 00:11:58,033 --> 00:12:00,303 WHY DON'T YOU GIVE IT UP FOR MY HOMEBOY JAMES 220 00:12:00,300 --> 00:12:02,170 OVER HERE ON DRIVE-THROUGH? 221 00:12:02,166 --> 00:12:04,626 BIG GREASY JAMES, MAN! 222 00:12:04,633 --> 00:12:06,773 TAKíN' 'EM ORDERS OUT ELOQUENTLY. 223 00:12:06,767 --> 00:12:08,367 AND NOW WHILE YOU AT IT, KEEP IT GOING 224 00:12:08,367 --> 00:12:10,767 FOR THE ASSISTANT MANAGER, DOUGLAS, 225 00:12:10,767 --> 00:12:14,127 WHO GOT SHOT DURING A ROBBERY LAST NIGHT, 226 00:12:14,133 --> 00:12:16,733 BUT HE STILL CAME IN TO WORK TODAY. GIVE IT UP FOR DOUG NOW! 227 00:12:18,400 --> 00:12:20,500 SOMEBODY LOVIN' IT. 228 00:12:20,500 --> 00:12:22,470 NOW... 229 00:12:22,467 --> 00:12:23,967 ME AND MY COUSIN LIONEL, 230 00:12:23,967 --> 00:12:26,667 WE WAS TALKING THE OTHER DAY, 231 00:12:26,667 --> 00:12:29,527 TALKING ABOUT FINANCES. 232 00:12:29,533 --> 00:12:31,173 MONEY. 233 00:12:31,166 --> 00:12:33,026 AND HE'S LIKE, "JASPER, LEMME ASK YOU THIS." 234 00:12:33,033 --> 00:12:35,073 "LIONEL LIKE, WHASSUP, MAN?" HE'S LIKE, 235 00:12:35,066 --> 00:12:37,966 "IF YOU WON $10 MILLION, 236 00:12:37,967 --> 00:12:39,597 WOULD YOU CONTINUE 237 00:12:39,600 --> 00:12:41,800 TO PERFORM STAND-UP AFTERWARDS?" 238 00:12:41,800 --> 00:12:45,200 AND I SAID, "NEGATIVE." 239 00:12:49,300 --> 00:12:50,830 AND HE WAS SURPRISED BY MY ANSWER. 240 00:12:50,834 --> 00:12:53,504 HE WAS LIKE, "HOW COME, JASPER?" I SAID, "BECAUSE, LIONEL, 241 00:12:53,500 --> 00:12:55,730 IT'S GONNA BE HARD FOR ME TO TELL A JOKE 242 00:12:55,734 --> 00:12:58,534 AFTER I BUY A SPACE SHIP AND A CASTLE. 243 00:13:01,100 --> 00:13:03,470 I'M GONNA BE OCCUPIED, MAN. 244 00:13:03,467 --> 00:13:06,267 AND EVEN IF I DID CONTINUE TO TELL JOKES AFTER THAT, 245 00:13:06,266 --> 00:13:08,566 MY SHIT WOULD BE UNRELATABLE. 246 00:13:10,066 --> 00:13:11,826 THE POINT IS, THEY SAY 247 00:13:11,834 --> 00:13:14,304 WHEN YOU RUN INTO A LOT OF MONEY, 248 00:13:14,300 --> 00:13:16,830 THAT WILL REVEAL THE PERSON YOU TRULY ARE INSIDE. 249 00:13:16,834 --> 00:13:20,134 THE SAY THAT IT BRING IT RIGHT ON OUT. 250 00:13:20,133 --> 00:13:21,973 AND I THINK IT'S TRUE. 251 00:13:21,967 --> 00:13:24,497 'CAUSE A WHILE BACK, I DON'T KNOW IF Y'ALL READ UP ON THIS, 252 00:13:24,500 --> 00:13:26,400 A CAT IN KENTUCKY 253 00:13:26,400 --> 00:13:29,130 WON $50 MILLION IN THE LOTTERY. 254 00:13:29,133 --> 00:13:31,573 AND AFTER HE WON HIS 50 MILLION, 255 00:13:31,567 --> 00:13:34,297 HE KEPT HIS JOB AS A MAILMAN. 256 00:13:34,300 --> 00:13:36,370 MMM. 257 00:13:40,266 --> 00:13:42,066 SO 50 MILLION REVEALED 258 00:13:42,066 --> 00:13:45,726 THAT THIS DUDE'S RETARDED. 259 00:13:47,400 --> 00:13:48,970 YEAH, MAN, THAT'S 50 MILLION. 260 00:13:48,967 --> 00:13:51,097 WHAT THE HELL YOU DOING, MAN? 261 00:13:51,100 --> 00:13:53,000 IF I WIN 50 MILLION AS A MAILMAN, 262 00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:55,600 THE ONLY THING I'M DELIVERING IS A "FUCK YOU." 263 00:13:56,900 --> 00:13:58,870 YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 264 00:13:58,867 --> 00:14:01,097 'CAUSE I CALL IN SICK WHEN I FIND A DOLLAR, 265 00:14:01,100 --> 00:14:04,500 LET ALONE 50 MILLION. 266 00:14:07,433 --> 00:14:11,173 MONEY. I NEED SOME MONEY, MAN. 267 00:14:11,166 --> 00:14:14,096 I'M 27 YEARS OLD. 268 00:14:14,100 --> 00:14:17,330 I'M TIRED OF LIVING WITHOUT THINGS LIKE HEALTH CARE. 269 00:14:18,900 --> 00:14:21,400 ANYBODY ELSE LIVING DANGEROUSLY IN THE AUDIENCE, MAN? 270 00:14:22,834 --> 00:14:25,274 IT'S CRAZY. WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE HEALTHCARE, MAN, 271 00:14:25,266 --> 00:14:26,966 YOU GOTTA GO UNDEFEATED. 272 00:14:28,900 --> 00:14:30,730 KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT? 273 00:14:30,734 --> 00:14:32,474 NO ILLNESSES, NO INJURIES, 274 00:14:32,467 --> 00:14:34,527 YOU GOTTA BE HEFTY, MAN. 275 00:14:35,500 --> 00:14:37,330 IT'S LIKE I'M "SUPER MARIO" 276 00:14:37,333 --> 00:14:39,573 WITH ONE MAN LEFT. 277 00:14:39,567 --> 00:14:43,227 IN NEED OF A 1-UP, YOU KNOW?" 278 00:14:45,400 --> 00:14:47,670 AND YOU CAN'T DO SHIT WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE HEALTH CARE, MAN, 279 00:14:47,667 --> 00:14:49,467 LIKE WHEN YOU HURT YOURSELF. 280 00:14:49,467 --> 00:14:52,267 NOW YOU CAN'T CALL 911 FOR A AMBULANCE. 281 00:14:53,533 --> 00:14:55,303 THAT'S OUT OF THE QUESTION. 282 00:14:55,300 --> 00:14:57,700 'CAUSE IF YOU DON'T HAVE HEALTH COVERAGE, 283 00:14:57,700 --> 00:14:59,930 THAT'S GONNA COST YOU A G. 284 00:14:59,934 --> 00:15:02,074 SO WHEN I'M HANGING OUT WITH MY BOYS AND WHATNOT, 285 00:15:02,066 --> 00:15:04,026 I'LL BE LIKE, "LOOK, Y'ALL, LISTEN UP. 286 00:15:05,233 --> 00:15:07,603 MMM! NOW LOOK, IF SOMETHING HAPPENS, 287 00:15:07,600 --> 00:15:10,630 TO MYSELF TONIGHT WHILE WE KICKIN' IT, 288 00:15:10,633 --> 00:15:14,573 DON'T NEITHER ONE OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS CALL 911, YOU UNDERSTAND?" 289 00:15:15,767 --> 00:15:18,097 I AIN'T GOT THAT TYPE OF MONEY YET. 290 00:15:18,100 --> 00:15:22,130 INSTEAD, YOU CALL... ( garbled speech ) 291 00:15:22,133 --> 00:15:23,973 THAT'S MY MAMA. 292 00:15:26,533 --> 00:15:28,603 HEY, I BE JASPER REDD. THANK Y'ALL VERY MUCH. 293 00:15:35,600 --> 00:15:38,600 Epps: PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR MY MAN RED GRANT. 294 00:15:43,400 --> 00:15:45,430 YOU BETTER HAVE FUN TODAY 'CAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW 295 00:15:45,433 --> 00:15:48,073 IF YOU'RE GONNA BE HERE TOMORROW, MOTHERFUCKER. 296 00:15:48,066 --> 00:15:51,766 SHIT, SOME OF Y'ALL UP IN HERE LOOKING CRAZY AS SHIT. 297 00:15:51,767 --> 00:15:54,297 SHIT, I ALMOST AIN'T MAKE IT HERE. 298 00:15:54,300 --> 00:15:57,000 I HAD GAS LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER. 299 00:15:58,166 --> 00:16:01,396 YOU EVER HAD GAS IN A FUCKED-UP PLACE? 300 00:16:01,400 --> 00:16:04,230 I HAD GAS ON THE PLANE. 301 00:16:04,233 --> 00:16:07,403 AND I THOUGHT I COULD LET THE GAS GO 302 00:16:07,400 --> 00:16:09,570 'CAUSE OF THEM CUSHIONY SEATS. 303 00:16:10,934 --> 00:16:12,774 YOU FART IN THAT SEAT, 304 00:16:12,767 --> 00:16:14,827 THE SEAT MIGHT CATCH THE FART. 305 00:16:16,133 --> 00:16:18,003 BUT I MUST HAVE FUCKED AROUND 306 00:16:18,000 --> 00:16:20,200 AND SCOOTED DOWN TOO FAR... 307 00:16:21,533 --> 00:16:24,803 AND THE GAS GOT OUT. 308 00:16:24,800 --> 00:16:29,170 I KNEW IT WAS GONNA BE SOME FUCKED-UP GAS WHEN IT PASSED ME. 309 00:16:31,500 --> 00:16:36,130 YOU KNOW HOW YOU SMELL YOUR OWN SHIT, YOU BE LIKE, "NH NH NH! 310 00:16:38,166 --> 00:16:39,566 NN! 311 00:16:43,333 --> 00:16:45,173 THIS GONNA FUCK THEM UP." 312 00:16:46,867 --> 00:16:48,867 AND AS THE GAS LINGERED BACK 313 00:16:48,867 --> 00:16:50,827 INTO THE CONGREGATION OF THE PLANE, 314 00:16:50,834 --> 00:16:54,404 WHITE PEOPLE WAS ON THE PLANE RINGING THEM BELLS AND SHIT. 315 00:16:54,400 --> 00:16:57,330 "STEWARDESS, WE NEED OXYGEN." 316 00:16:58,633 --> 00:17:00,533 I'M UP THERE ACTING LIKE I DIDN'T DO NOTHING. 317 00:17:00,533 --> 00:17:02,103 ( giggles ) 318 00:17:02,100 --> 00:17:04,730 I WAS LIKE, "STEWARDESS, YOU GOT SOME MORE PEANUTS?" 319 00:17:05,900 --> 00:17:08,770 THEIR LIPS START GETTING DRY AND SHIT. 320 00:17:08,767 --> 00:17:10,967 ( giggles ) 321 00:17:10,967 --> 00:17:13,667 SOME OF Y'ALL OUT OF SHAPE AND DON'T EVEN KNOW IT. 322 00:17:13,667 --> 00:17:16,997 THAT'S WHY I TELL PEOPLE, DON'T GIVE 110% 323 00:17:17,000 --> 00:17:19,430 WHEN YOU MAKING LOVE IF YOU OUT OF SHAPE. 324 00:17:19,433 --> 00:17:21,703 GIVE 95. 325 00:17:21,700 --> 00:17:24,070 'CAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW YOU OUT OF SHAPE 326 00:17:24,066 --> 00:17:28,166 UNTIL AFTER YOU FINISH AND SHIT START HAPPENING TO YOU. 327 00:17:28,166 --> 00:17:29,896 LIKE, YOU EVER BE FINISHED MAKING LOVE, 328 00:17:29,900 --> 00:17:31,630 YOU'RE GIVING YOUR THING, YOU BE LIKE, 329 00:17:31,633 --> 00:17:35,033 "YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!" 330 00:17:35,033 --> 00:17:37,173 AND YOU GET UP, YOU BE JUST WALKING TO THE BATHROOM, 331 00:17:37,166 --> 00:17:40,626 JUST TO THE BATHROOM, AND YOUR KNEE BUCKLE OUT. 332 00:17:42,533 --> 00:17:44,633 "SHIT!" 333 00:17:47,133 --> 00:17:49,103 SHE'LL BE LIKE, "WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?" 334 00:17:49,100 --> 00:17:51,330 "OH, THAT'S MY BAD KNEE. THAT'S MY FUCKED-UP--" 335 00:17:51,333 --> 00:17:55,373 OR YOU FUCK AROUND, CATCH A CRAMP IN THE BACK OF YOUR LEG. 336 00:17:55,367 --> 00:17:57,467 LADIES, WHEN Y'ALL CATCH A CRAMP 337 00:17:57,467 --> 00:18:01,267 Y'ALL ASS WILL STOP ON THE CRAMP. 338 00:18:01,266 --> 00:18:03,766 Y'ALL LET A BROTHER KNOW IMMEDIATELY 339 00:18:03,767 --> 00:18:05,927 YOU GOT A CRAMP IN YOUR LEG. 340 00:18:05,934 --> 00:18:09,104 SOON AS YOU CATCH THE CRAMP YOU BE LIKE, "OW! 341 00:18:09,100 --> 00:18:11,300 "NIGGER, OW! 342 00:18:11,300 --> 00:18:14,930 RED, PUT MY LEG DOWN, RED! 343 00:18:14,934 --> 00:18:18,274 GET YOUR LEG OFF MY SHOULDER. I GOT A CRAMP! 344 00:18:18,266 --> 00:18:22,496 A BROTHER DON'T GIVE A FUCK. HE'LL STROKE THROUGH A CRAMP. 345 00:18:23,700 --> 00:18:27,470 A BROTHER BE LIKE, "YEAH, GIRL, YEAH. 346 00:18:27,467 --> 00:18:31,697 YEAH-- THAT'S ALL TOES, THAT'S ALL TOES. 347 00:18:32,800 --> 00:18:34,730 THAT'S ALL TOES RIGHT THERE. 348 00:18:34,734 --> 00:18:36,604 THAT'S ALL TOES. 349 00:18:36,600 --> 00:18:40,170 YEAH, YEAH. 350 00:18:40,166 --> 00:18:42,266 SHIT! 351 00:18:42,266 --> 00:18:44,196 AH, SHIT! 352 00:18:46,300 --> 00:18:48,470 I DON'T KNOW, IT FEEL LIKE A CRAMP OR SOMETHING. 353 00:18:48,467 --> 00:18:50,097 IT'S A CRAMP! 354 00:18:50,100 --> 00:18:51,930 ( groans ) 355 00:18:51,934 --> 00:18:55,174 OH, SHIT. GRAB MY FOOT GIRL, GRAB MY FOOT! 356 00:18:55,166 --> 00:18:58,566 GET MY CALF, GET MY CALF. 357 00:18:58,567 --> 00:19:01,027 YEAH, IT'S GONE NOW. IT'S GONE NOW." 358 00:19:02,400 --> 00:19:06,770 ( giggles ) 359 00:19:06,767 --> 00:19:10,227 AND SOME STUFF YOU'RE DOIN' OUT THERE, FELLAS, I'MA TELL YOU 360 00:19:10,233 --> 00:19:13,073 IT'S EITHER A FOUL TIP OR IT'S FOUL. 361 00:19:13,066 --> 00:19:15,166 SOME OF Y'ALL IS DOING GAY STUFF 362 00:19:15,166 --> 00:19:17,096 AND DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU'RE GAY. 363 00:19:17,100 --> 00:19:18,330 MM-HMM. 364 00:19:19,767 --> 00:19:21,867 AND I'M HEARING THAT SOME OF Y'ALL FELLAS 365 00:19:21,867 --> 00:19:25,297 IS LETTING WOMEN STICK THEY FINGER IN YOUR ASS. 366 00:19:27,667 --> 00:19:30,127 AND YOU THINK THE SHIT IS CUTE. 367 00:19:30,133 --> 00:19:34,303 THAT IS NOT A FOUL TIP. THAT IS ALL THE WAY FOUL. 368 00:19:36,367 --> 00:19:38,327 'CAUSE THEY ARE TRYING TO TEST YOU TO SEE 369 00:19:38,333 --> 00:19:40,733 IF YOU GONNA LET 'EM STICK THEIR FINGER IN YOUR ASS. 370 00:19:40,734 --> 00:19:44,274 AND SOME OF Y'ALL NIGGERS IS RIGHT HERE WITH IT, RIGHT HERE. 371 00:19:44,266 --> 00:19:46,726 NIGGER, YOU IS A BUTTHOLE BANDIT. 372 00:19:50,333 --> 00:19:53,773 I DON'T EVEN LET WOMEN LICK MY ASS... 373 00:19:53,767 --> 00:19:54,767 ...NO MORE. 374 00:19:54,767 --> 00:19:56,597 I DON'T LET THAT SHIT HAPPEN-- 375 00:20:00,166 --> 00:20:03,166 THAT SHIT FELT GOOD AS A MOTHERFUCKER! 376 00:20:03,166 --> 00:20:07,226 I WAS LIKE, "SHIT! I DON'T BELIEVE THAT SHIT!" 377 00:20:07,233 --> 00:20:09,073 SHE WAS LICKING MY ASS, I WAS... ( groans ) 378 00:20:09,066 --> 00:20:11,696 I HAD TO HIT HER WITH A HOOK! "GET THE FUCK OFF ME!" 379 00:20:13,734 --> 00:20:15,504 KNOCKED HER ASS OUT. 380 00:20:17,633 --> 00:20:20,473 BUT I WILL LET 'EM LICK THE LITTLE AREA 381 00:20:20,467 --> 00:20:23,827 BETWEEN THE BALLS AND THE ASS. 382 00:20:23,834 --> 00:20:28,834 THIS LITTLE AREA RIGHT HERE. 383 00:20:28,834 --> 00:20:31,734 THIS LITTLE AREA. 384 00:20:33,066 --> 00:20:36,526 THAT SHIT WILL MAKE A DOG LIFT HIS OWN LEGS UP. 385 00:20:36,533 --> 00:20:38,503 YOU BE IN THE ROOM, LIKE "SHIT! 386 00:20:38,500 --> 00:20:41,830 WHAT THE FUCK? 387 00:20:41,834 --> 00:20:44,004 I DON'T BELIEVE THIS SHIT! 388 00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:47,870 HEY, I'M RED GRANT. I HOPE Y'ALL HAD A GOOD-ASS MOTHERFUCKING TIME. 389 00:20:53,533 --> 00:20:56,273 WHOA! 390 00:20:56,266 --> 00:20:58,266 WE GONNA KEEP IT ROLLING. 391 00:20:58,266 --> 00:21:00,026 THIS NEXT MAN COMING TO THE STAGE, 392 00:21:00,033 --> 00:21:02,273 HE'S NO STRANGER TO SHOW BUSINESS. 393 00:21:02,266 --> 00:21:04,696 USED TO SEE HIM ON THE HOST "AT THE APOLLO." 394 00:21:04,700 --> 00:21:07,330 HE HAD HIS OWN SHOW CALLED "HANGING WITH MR. COOPER." 395 00:21:07,333 --> 00:21:10,473 PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR THE BAY AREA'S OWN 396 00:21:10,467 --> 00:21:12,467 MARK CURRY! 397 00:21:17,367 --> 00:21:19,327 WHAT IS GOING ON? 398 00:21:19,333 --> 00:21:21,503 WHOO! 399 00:21:23,200 --> 00:21:24,730 MR. CAPRI, HOW YOU DOING? 400 00:21:24,734 --> 00:21:27,534 - WHAT'S UP, PEOPLE? - ( cheering ) 401 00:21:27,533 --> 00:21:30,103 YOU'RE LOOKING GOOD. ALL THIS GOOD ENERGY. 402 00:21:30,100 --> 00:21:32,730 THAT'S RIGHT. THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING. 403 00:21:32,734 --> 00:21:34,634 LET'S GET STRAIGHT TO IT. WE AT WAR. 404 00:21:34,633 --> 00:21:36,503 I WAS WATCHING A LITTLE SHOW-- "FEAR FACTOR." 405 00:21:36,500 --> 00:21:39,170 NICE LITTLE SHOW. BUT YOU KNOW I'M SAYING, IMPRESS ME. 406 00:21:39,166 --> 00:21:42,396 LET'S DO "FEAR FACTOR" IN IRAQ. 407 00:21:42,400 --> 00:21:45,770 "ALL WE WANT YOU TO DO IS RUN ACROSS THE STREET. THAT'S ALL WE WANT YOU TO DO." 408 00:21:46,834 --> 00:21:48,174 "OOH!" ( mimics machine gun ) 409 00:21:48,166 --> 00:21:49,596 "WHO'S NEXT? STEP UP PLEASE. 410 00:21:51,133 --> 00:21:53,333 ONE MILLION DOLLARS, LET'S DO IT, LET'S GO-- WHOA! 411 00:21:53,333 --> 00:21:56,733 WHO'S NEXT? 412 00:21:56,734 --> 00:21:59,274 I'M TIRED OF SEEING OUR YOUNG SOLDIERS DYING FOR NO REASON. 413 00:21:59,266 --> 00:22:01,266 I'M TIRED OF IT. I DON'T CARE WHAT NOBODY SAYS. 414 00:22:01,266 --> 00:22:03,296 - ( wild applause ) - I DON'T CARE! 415 00:22:03,300 --> 00:22:05,270 I DON'T CARE, I DON'T' CARE. 416 00:22:05,266 --> 00:22:08,066 YOU KNOW WHO SHOULD BE THE FIRST PERSON TO GO TO WAR? 417 00:22:08,066 --> 00:22:10,426 THE PEOPLE WHO DON'T BELONG IN SOCIETY. 418 00:22:10,433 --> 00:22:13,233 LET'S GO TO DEATH ROW. THE SERIAL KILLERS, LET'S PULL 'EM OUT. 419 00:22:13,233 --> 00:22:14,803 LET'S GO. 420 00:22:14,800 --> 00:22:18,570 4:00 IN THE MORNING-- "GET UP, LET'S GO, STEP UP HERE." 421 00:22:19,567 --> 00:22:20,767 "NOW, WHAT HAPPENED?" 422 00:22:20,767 --> 00:22:24,227 "EVERY TIME THE DOG BARKS I LIKE TO KILL PEOPLE." 423 00:22:24,233 --> 00:22:26,033 "EVERY TIME THE DOG-- ROWFF-- YOU LIKE-- 424 00:22:26,033 --> 00:22:27,973 THE DOG JUST CALLED. HE WANTS YOU TO GO TO IRAQ. 425 00:22:27,967 --> 00:22:29,927 LET'S GO, PLEASE. THANK YOUL." 426 00:22:29,934 --> 00:22:31,934 STEP UP, ALL THE GANGBANGERS 427 00:22:31,934 --> 00:22:33,834 WHO WANT TO SHOOT INNOCENT PEOPLE? 428 00:22:33,834 --> 00:22:38,674 PUT 'EM IN THE SAME CAR, SEND 'EM DOWN BAGHDAD AVENUE. 429 00:22:38,667 --> 00:22:40,327 "GOOD LUCK! THEY SHOOT BACK!" 430 00:22:42,533 --> 00:22:44,103 LET'S CLEAR IT UP, LET'S CLEAR IT UP! 431 00:22:44,100 --> 00:22:46,400 ALL THE PRIESTS WHO TOUCHED ANY OF THE LITTLE BOYS-- 432 00:22:46,400 --> 00:22:48,870 TELL 'EM IT'S A RETREAT, COME ON! 433 00:22:54,233 --> 00:22:55,833 LET'S CLEAN IT UP! 434 00:22:55,834 --> 00:22:58,274 THE CRACK ADDICTS. LET'S SEND THE CRACK ADDICTS. 435 00:22:58,266 --> 00:23:00,466 THEY AIN'T DOING NOTHING ELSE. 436 00:23:00,467 --> 00:23:02,967 YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT A CRACK ADDICT GETTING SHOT. 437 00:23:02,967 --> 00:23:05,967 THE TURN INTO "THE MATRIX" WHEN THEY START SHOOTING. 438 00:23:17,967 --> 00:23:20,567 THE CRACK ADDICTS WILL BE OVER THERE PICKING UP LAND MINES. 439 00:23:20,567 --> 00:23:22,767 "THIS SOME GOOD ALUMINUM RIGHT HERE!" 440 00:23:28,433 --> 00:23:31,073 I WENT OUT WITH THIS LITTLE YOUNG LADY. I KNEW SHE SMOKED WEED 441 00:23:31,066 --> 00:23:33,696 'CAUSE I TOOK HER TO MEXICAN RESTAURANT. 442 00:23:33,700 --> 00:23:37,130 AND I COULD TELL, THE WAY SHE WAS ROLLING HER TORTILLAS. 443 00:23:40,467 --> 00:23:42,997 YOU KNOW HOW YOU GET THE FAJITAS, YOU GOT TO ROLL YOUR OWN? 444 00:23:43,000 --> 00:23:45,330 SHE WAS ROLLING JOINTS AND WASN'T EVEN AWARE OF IT. 445 00:23:45,333 --> 00:23:47,603 HAD THE LITTLE GROUND BEEF. SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT HER ROOMMATE-- 446 00:23:47,600 --> 00:23:51,170 "MY ROOMMATE WAS TELLING ME THAT I NEED TO DO WHAT I NEED TO DO, SO-- 447 00:23:51,166 --> 00:23:53,896 I NEED TO DO ANYWAYS, SO-- 448 00:23:53,900 --> 00:23:55,330 IF EVERYBODY PAID THEIR RENT 449 00:23:55,333 --> 00:23:57,403 EVERYTHING WOULD BE COOL, RIGHT? 450 00:23:59,300 --> 00:24:01,830 ANYWAY, THIS MOTHERFUCKER GONNA TELL ME..." 451 00:24:06,734 --> 00:24:08,334 I'M LIKE, "DAMN!" 452 00:24:11,266 --> 00:24:15,126 I WENT OUT WITH A LADY ON STEROIDS. 453 00:24:15,133 --> 00:24:17,373 BIG GIRL. BUT YOU CAN TELL THE WOMEN ON STEROIDS. 454 00:24:17,367 --> 00:24:19,327 YOU GOT THIS WHOLE STEROID THING-- 455 00:24:19,333 --> 00:24:22,033 YOU CAN TELL THE LADIES ON STEROIDS, 'CAUSE THEY DIFFERENT. 456 00:24:22,033 --> 00:24:25,203 ONE WOMAN GOT OUT OF THE OLYMPICS BECAUSE OF STEROIDS, BUT YOU KIND OF KNEW. 457 00:24:25,200 --> 00:24:27,730 SHE HAD A VEIN THIS BIG. 458 00:24:31,867 --> 00:24:35,627 "HI, WE'LL TALK TO VELVET VELVETICH ABOUT ALLEGED STEROIDS USE. 459 00:24:35,633 --> 00:24:37,733 EXCUSE ME, HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT 460 00:24:37,734 --> 00:24:40,474 BEING KICKED OUT OF THE OLYMPICS BECAUSE OF STEROIDS?" 461 00:24:42,567 --> 00:24:45,597 ( deep voice ) "WELL BASICALLY THIS IS RIDICULOUS. 462 00:24:45,600 --> 00:24:49,230 WE WORK OUT LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE." 463 00:24:49,233 --> 00:24:50,433 - "HOW OLD ARE YOU?" - "13." 464 00:24:50,433 --> 00:24:52,773 "THANK YOU, GOD BLESS YOU." 465 00:24:56,367 --> 00:25:00,227 LADIES, LISTEN UP. WE WANT YOU TO WATCH X-RATED MOVIES WITH US. 466 00:25:00,233 --> 00:25:02,373 - IT'S NOT BAD. THANK YOU. - ( scattered applause ) 467 00:25:02,367 --> 00:25:05,127 WE LOVE IT, DON'T WE, FELLAS? YES WE DO. 468 00:25:05,133 --> 00:25:08,373 FELLAS SCARED TO SAY SOMETHING. 469 00:25:08,367 --> 00:25:10,397 'CAUSE YOU KNOW YOUR WOMAN GONNA JAM YOU UP-- 470 00:25:10,400 --> 00:25:13,330 "TURN THE MUSIC DOWN. IS THAT WHAT YOU REALLY LIKE?" 471 00:25:16,633 --> 00:25:19,373 DEPENDS ON WHAT TYPE OF PORNO YOU'RE WATCHING, WHITE OR BLACK. 472 00:25:19,367 --> 00:25:21,697 WHITE AND BLACK MOVIES ARE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT. 473 00:25:21,700 --> 00:25:25,100 WHITE PORNO MOVIES HAVE DIALOGUE, 474 00:25:25,100 --> 00:25:29,900 LOCATION-- NORMALLY THE TITLE HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH THE LOCATION. 475 00:25:29,900 --> 00:25:31,800 "FREAKIN' ON THE BEACH," THEY ON THE BEACH. 476 00:25:31,800 --> 00:25:34,900 BLACK PORNO MOVIES JUST SAY "FUCKIN'!" 477 00:25:39,834 --> 00:25:42,674 WHITE PORNO MOVIES HAVE DIALOGUE-- 478 00:25:42,667 --> 00:25:44,827 "SO YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A JOB? 479 00:25:50,800 --> 00:25:53,000 WHAT ARE YOUR QUALIFICATIONS?" 480 00:25:53,000 --> 00:25:55,970 "LET ME SHOW YOU." ( mimics porno music ) 481 00:26:01,967 --> 00:26:03,697 LIKE THEY HURTING EACH OTHER. 482 00:26:03,700 --> 00:26:07,970 BLACK PORNO MOVIES, YOU PRESS "START" THEY 15 MINUTES INTO IT ALREADY. 483 00:26:10,266 --> 00:26:12,466 I DIDN'T EVEN SEE THEM TAKE THEIR CLOTHES OFF. 484 00:26:12,467 --> 00:26:14,097 YOU DON'T KNOW THE LOCATION. 485 00:26:14,100 --> 00:26:15,730 YOU JUST SEE A OLD CHRISTMAS TREE, 486 00:26:15,734 --> 00:26:17,674 A DUMP TRUCK AND A MATTRESS. 487 00:26:19,533 --> 00:26:22,173 YOU SEE PEOPLE WALKING BY IN THE BACK. 488 00:26:30,900 --> 00:26:33,500 YOU SEE THE MICROPHONE HANGING DOWN. 489 00:26:38,033 --> 00:26:40,173 THANK YOU GUYS. I'M MARK CURRY. 490 00:26:40,166 --> 00:26:41,766 PEACE. 491 00:26:41,767 --> 00:26:44,227 APPRECIATE IT. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. 492 00:26:44,233 --> 00:26:45,733 THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. 493 00:26:53,500 --> 00:26:55,270 MARK CURRY, Y'ALL! MARK CURRY, COME ON! 494 00:26:55,266 --> 00:26:56,966 MARK CURRY! 495 00:26:59,934 --> 00:27:01,804 A'IGHT, A'IGHT. 496 00:27:01,800 --> 00:27:04,200 Y'ALL HAD A GOOD TIME? RUSSELL SIMMONS, Y'ALL! 497 00:27:09,233 --> 00:27:11,533 THANK YOU FOR COMING OUT. GOD BLESS YOU. GOOD NIGHT. 498 00:27:11,533 --> 00:27:14,173 ( theme music playing ) 499 00:27:14,223 --> 00:27:18,773 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 38161

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