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00:00:16,400 --> 00:00:18,130
( theme music playing )
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00:00:18,133 --> 00:00:20,603
Kid Capri:
IT'S THE ONE AND ONLY "RUSSELL SIMMONS'
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00:00:20,600 --> 00:00:22,370
DEF COMEDY JAM"!
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00:00:22,367 --> 00:00:24,467
WITH YOUR HOST,
MIKE EPPS!
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TONIGHT'S GUESTS--
BRUCE BRUCE,
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00:00:28,533 --> 00:00:30,273
DeRAY
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00:00:30,266 --> 00:00:32,296
AND D.L. HUGHLEY.
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00:00:35,166 --> 00:00:37,066
I AM YOUR MAN,
THE WORLD'S GREATEST D.J.,
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00:00:37,066 --> 00:00:39,126
THE KID CAPRI!
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00:00:39,133 --> 00:00:41,703
AND WE ARE BACK!
11
00:00:42,767 --> 00:00:44,367
AND NOW THE HOST...
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00:00:44,367 --> 00:00:46,297
MIKE EPPS!
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( applauding, cheering )
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00:00:57,767 --> 00:01:00,297
YEAH! YEAH!
15
00:01:00,300 --> 00:01:03,170
YEAH YEAH YEAH!
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00:01:03,166 --> 00:01:05,226
ONE MORE TIME
FOR KID CAPRI!
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BOY, Y'ALL LOOK GOOD
IN THE MOTHERFUCKER.
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00:01:11,867 --> 00:01:14,067
LOOK AT THE HEAD-SHINE
ON THIS NIGGA'S HEAD.
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00:01:15,800 --> 00:01:17,570
DAMN, I BET WHEN
YOU WAS IN SCHOOL
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YOU WAS THE HEAD
OF YO CLASS.
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I BET IN YO HOUSE,
YOU THE HEAD OF THE HOUSEHOLD.
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NIGGA GOT
A BIG-ASS HEAD.
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NIGGA HEAD SO HEAVY,
NIGGA JUST BE LIKE THIS HERE.
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LOOK, THEY GOT A WHITE GIRL
WITH A WHITE GIRL!
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THEY BE MAKING
YOU PAY FOR EVERYTHING, DON'T THEY? TELL THE TRUTH.
26
00:01:41,300 --> 00:01:43,300
"CALL SHARON, LET'S GO."
27
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LOOK AT THE
PONYTAIL MAN, PONYTAIL!
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YOU DONE PULLED
YO SHIT BACK, AIN'T YA?
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IT AIN'T ENOUGH, NIGGA.
DON'T DO IT AGAIN.
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YOU WON'T SEE
THAT BIG-ASS VEIN POPPIN' UP IN YO MOTHERFUCKIN' HEAD.
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00:02:10,033 --> 00:02:11,973
ALL THE BIG GIRLS
WITH THE BIG TITTIES--
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BIG GIRLS WITH THE BIG
TITTIES'LL LET FOOD
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JUST FALL ALL DOWN
IN THEIR TITTIES.
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GET THE MUNCHIES LATER ON.
"I THINK I GOT A BROWNIE FROM EARLIER TODAY."
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EVERY TIME
I DO SOMETHING BAD, GOD PAY ME BACK QUICK.
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I DON'T KNOW
WHAT IT IS.
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00:02:34,033 --> 00:02:36,233
OTHER DAY, I STOLE
A PACK OF COOKIES OUT THE STORE
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AND GOT HOME,
DIDN'T HAVE NO KEYS TO GET IN THE HOUSE.
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I SAID,
"AIN'T THIS A BITCH?"
40
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BUT GOD KNOW MY HEART.
THAT'S WHAT A NIGGA SAY
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TO GET OUT OF SOME SHIT,
DON'T HE?
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"HE KNOW MY HEART."
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HE GONNA KNOW
YO ASS IN A MINUTE.
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I AIN'T BULLSHITTIN'.
BOY, I'M TRYING TO--
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I'M TRYING TO DO
THE RIGHT THING.
46
00:02:59,700 --> 00:03:01,370
I AIN'T GONNA
LIE TO YOU.
47
00:03:01,367 --> 00:03:04,667
I-I GOT SO MANY KIDS NOW
AND I JUST RIDE THROUGH THE HOOD AND WAVE.
48
00:03:04,667 --> 00:03:06,697
I CAN'T STOP AND FUCK
WITH ALL OF 'EM.
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KICK DA BEAT!
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- I WISH I COULD--
HIT IT, KID, HIT ME A-- - ( buzzing sound )
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GO AHEAD--
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
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00:03:20,867 --> 00:03:23,097
HAVE YOU EVER
WALKED UP IN A CROWD AND JUST DID THIS
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AND WALKED OUT?
DO IT AGAIN.
54
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( buzzing sound )
55
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AND STOOD OVER THERE
AND WATCH EVERYBODY POINT AT EACH OTHER.
56
00:03:40,033 --> 00:03:43,103
Y'ALL READY FOR
A GOOD SHOW? PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER, LET'S GO!
57
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( cheering, applauding )
58
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COMING TO THE STAGE,
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STRAIGHT OUTTA THE A.T.L.,
GIVE IT UP FOR BRUCE BRUCE!
60
00:03:52,300 --> 00:03:55,600
- ( hip-hop music playing )
- ( applauding, cheering )
61
00:04:02,567 --> 00:04:05,067
WHAT'S UP, WHAT'S UP?
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WHAT'S HAPPENING,
WHAT'S HAPPENING?
63
00:04:12,834 --> 00:04:14,934
WHAT'S UP?
64
00:04:16,033 --> 00:04:17,603
WHAT'S UP, PLAYER?
65
00:04:17,600 --> 00:04:19,570
LOOKING LIKE
MY REAL UNCLE-- WHAT'S THAT?
66
00:04:19,567 --> 00:04:22,027
IS IT ME OR IS IT
HOT IN HERE? SHIT.
67
00:04:22,033 --> 00:04:24,333
I'M ABOUT TO FALL OUT
OF THIS CIVIL RIGHTS SUIT.
68
00:04:26,367 --> 00:04:28,727
WHAT'S GOING ON?
Y'ALL LOOKING GOOD.
69
00:04:28,734 --> 00:04:31,204
YOU LOOKIN' AT ME
LIKE I'M GONNA FALL, I AIN'T GONNA FALL.
70
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SHE PRAYIN' RIGHT NOW,
"FATHER GOD, PLEASE DON'T LET HIM FALL, JESUS."
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IF I FALL, WHO GONNA
HELP ME UP? NOBODY.
72
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Y'ALL BE STANDING
ACROSS THE STREET.
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00:04:40,367 --> 00:04:42,497
"THAT FAT DUDE FELL
OVER THERE, FOR REAL."
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00:04:42,500 --> 00:04:45,230
WHITE PEOPLE ONLY ONE
GONNA HELP YOU-- "ARE YOU OKAY?"
75
00:04:45,233 --> 00:04:49,033
BLACK PEOPLE
WALK RIGHT PAST YOU. "LET ME GET RIGHT HERE, BRO."
76
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( laughing )
I'M GLAD TO SEE WHITE PEOPLE IN THE HOUSE.
77
00:04:51,567 --> 00:04:53,627
I LIKE WHITE PEOPLE.
AND I'M GONNA TELL YOU--
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00:04:53,633 --> 00:04:55,703
WHITE PEOPLE, ONE THING
YOU HAVE GOT TO LEARN,
79
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YOU HAVE GOT TO LEARN
TO PICK UP ON STUFF BEFORE IT HAPPEN.
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00:04:58,367 --> 00:05:00,527
BLACK PEOPLE CAN PICK UP
ON STUFF INSTANTLY.
81
00:05:00,533 --> 00:05:03,233
I THINK IT'S BECAUSE WE LIVE
ON EDGE ALL OUR LIFE.
82
00:05:03,233 --> 00:05:05,603
BLACK PERSON GO HOME TODAY,
PUT THEIR KEY IN THE DOOR,
83
00:05:05,600 --> 00:05:08,770
BE LIKE "WHAT'S WRONG?"
"SOMEBODY DONE TRIED TO BREAK IN MY HOUSE."
84
00:05:12,033 --> 00:05:14,603
YOU BE LIKE "HOW YOU KNOW?
CALL THE POLICE."
85
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WHITE PEOPLE DONE GO HOME,
GARAGE DOOR OPEN,
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THE KITCHEN DOOR
STANDING WIDE OPEN.
87
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THEY SITTIN' IN
THE CAR TRYING TO GUESS,
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00:05:20,433 --> 00:05:23,173
( prissy voice )
"I WONDER WHO LEFT THAT DOOR OPEN?"
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THEY WALK IN,
THE BROTHER BEHIND THE DOOR, "I LEFT IT OPEN. LAY DOWN!"
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( prissy )
"OH, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!"
91
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AND SEE,
WHITE PEOPLE ALWAYS SAY
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"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD."
93
00:05:32,600 --> 00:05:35,530
BUT BLACK PEOPLE
SAY "JESUS."
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BECAUSE THERE'S POWER
IN THE NAME OF JESUS.
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YOU THINK I'M LYIN'?
YOU CAN LEAVE HERE TODAY, YOUR CAR START SLIDIN'--
96
00:05:47,300 --> 00:05:50,030
( screeching noise)
SAY "JESUS!"-- CAR STRAIGHTEN UP.
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00:05:50,033 --> 00:05:53,103
WHITE PEOPLE,
YOUR CAR START SLIDIN'-- ( screeching noise )
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"FOR THE LOVE OF--" BOOM!
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KNOCK THE WALL DOWN.
100
00:05:59,834 --> 00:06:02,204
SO START USING
"JESUS." IT'LL WORK.
101
00:06:02,200 --> 00:06:04,130
I LIKE TO GO TO CHURCH
WITH WHITE PEOPLE.
102
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I GOT WHITE FRIENDS.
I GO TO CHURCH WITH 'EM.
103
00:06:06,266 --> 00:06:08,226
I WENT TO CHURCH WITH
A WHITE FRIEND OF MINE.
104
00:06:08,233 --> 00:06:11,473
WE GOT THERE AT 10:30,
11:47 WE WALKIN' OUT.
105
00:06:11,467 --> 00:06:14,327
I SAID "MAN, I'M COMING
BACK NEXT SUNDAY."
106
00:06:14,333 --> 00:06:17,133
WE GOT THERE 10:30,
PREACHER DONE LIT SOME CANDLES...
107
00:06:17,133 --> 00:06:20,473
( vocalizing )
108
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READ A SCRIPTURE,
TOOK UP AN OFFERING, BAM!
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11:47 WE RIDING
DOWN THE HIGHWAY.
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00:06:24,300 --> 00:06:26,870
MAN, I WENT TO CHURCH
WITH MY AUNT--
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00:06:26,867 --> 00:06:29,567
PREACHER DIDN'T
GET UP TILL 12:30.
112
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WE DIDN'T LEAVE THERE
TILL FRIDAY EVENING ABOUT 4:00.
113
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HE WAS STILL PREACHING:
114
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"YOU DON'T KNOW
LIKE I KNOW."
115
00:06:36,400 --> 00:06:39,630
I'M LIKE "I KNOW
IT TIME TO GO!
116
00:06:39,633 --> 00:06:41,973
I DONE LOST MY JOB
AND EVERYTHING!
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WE BEEN HERE
SINCE SUNDAY!"
118
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HE STILL PREACHING.
( singing )
119
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I BET GOD BE
LIKE "SHUT UP!"
120
00:06:56,734 --> 00:06:59,574
ONE THING WE GOTTA
START DOING, BLACK MEN, YOU GOTTA REMEMBER THIS.
121
00:06:59,567 --> 00:07:01,527
ONE THING WE GOTTA
START DOING 'CAUSE...
122
00:07:01,533 --> 00:07:03,133
I'M TELLING YOU,
WHITE GUYS DO IT.
123
00:07:03,133 --> 00:07:05,433
WE HAVE GOT TO START GOING
FOR A YEARLY PHYSICAL.
124
00:07:05,433 --> 00:07:07,303
- BLACK MEN.
- Woman: THAT'S RIGHT!
125
00:07:07,300 --> 00:07:09,730
I'M TELLING YOU.
126
00:07:09,734 --> 00:07:11,734
I'M TELLING YOU!
I GOT WHITE FRIENDS GO,
127
00:07:11,734 --> 00:07:13,674
LET ME TELL YOU
SOMETHING, THEY GO--
128
00:07:13,667 --> 00:07:17,197
IF THERE'S A PROBLEM,
THEY GONNA SIT RIGHT THERE TILL THEY FIND OUT HOW TO FIX IT.
129
00:07:17,200 --> 00:07:20,670
BLACK PEOPLE DON'T GO
TILL THEY DAMN NEAR SEE THE LIGHT.
130
00:07:20,667 --> 00:07:23,397
JESUS GOTTA COME SIT
ON THE BED WITH 'EM.
131
00:07:23,400 --> 00:07:26,100
"YEAH, I BELIEVE I NEED
TO GO ON TO THE DOCTOR."
132
00:07:26,100 --> 00:07:28,870
BUT YOU KNOW,
I BEEN TAKING 'EM PRETTY REGULARLY HERE
133
00:07:28,867 --> 00:07:30,527
ABOUT THE LAST
SIX, SEVEN YEARS,
134
00:07:30,533 --> 00:07:32,073
AND IT'S NOT THAT BAD.
135
00:07:32,066 --> 00:07:34,466
BUT I GOT A FEMALE DOCTOR.
SHE REAL COOL, YOU KNOW?
136
00:07:34,467 --> 00:07:36,197
SO WE KINDA
TALK ABOUT EVERYTHING.
137
00:07:36,200 --> 00:07:38,530
UNTIL THIS LAST TIME...
138
00:07:38,533 --> 00:07:40,973
SHE WANTED TO
CHECK ME FOR PROSTATE.
139
00:07:40,967 --> 00:07:43,367
AND I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS,
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
140
00:07:43,367 --> 00:07:45,527
SO SHE SAID "I NEED TO
CHECK YOU FOR PROSTATE."
141
00:07:45,533 --> 00:07:47,403
I JUST SAT ON
THE BED AND SHIT.
142
00:07:51,133 --> 00:07:52,703
SHE SAID "NAH,
I CAN'T GO IN YOUR EAR."
143
00:07:52,700 --> 00:07:55,370
I SAID "WHERE YOU GOING?"
SHE SAID "I GOTTA GO IN THAT ASS."
144
00:07:55,367 --> 00:07:57,067
I SAID
"YOU BULLSHITTIN'."
145
00:07:57,066 --> 00:08:00,626
HERE I AM, BIG OLD
BIG BROTHER LAYING ON A TWIN-SIZE BED.
146
00:08:00,633 --> 00:08:02,303
BUH--
147
00:08:05,200 --> 00:08:06,830
BOY, SHE PUT
HER FINGER IN MY ASS,
148
00:08:06,834 --> 00:08:09,604
IT FELT LIKE A WHOLE TREE.
I SAID "OH!"
149
00:08:09,600 --> 00:08:12,330
MATTER OF FACT, I THINK
I WENT BLIND FOR 30 SECONDS.
150
00:08:12,333 --> 00:08:14,973
SHE SAID "BRUCE, YOU ALL RIGHT?"
I SAID "I CAN'T SEE SHIT."
151
00:08:14,967 --> 00:08:18,067
SHE SAID "I'MA GO UP
TO THE LEFT." I SAID "I DON'T CARE WHERE YOU GO,
152
00:08:18,066 --> 00:08:20,596
BUT YOU GOTTA
COME OUT OF THERE!"
153
00:08:20,600 --> 00:08:23,930
THEN I SAID, "I GET IT."
I CAUGHT MYSELF WIPING ALL THAT GEL OUT MY ASS.
154
00:08:23,934 --> 00:08:27,104
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
I DIDN'T GET IT OUT, I'M AT THE DESK...
155
00:08:27,100 --> 00:08:30,430
TRYING TO GET MY RECEIPT,
ASS LOOSE AS A MOTHERFUCKER.
156
00:08:30,433 --> 00:08:33,533
"BRUCE, YOU ALL RIGHT?"
"SOMETHING WRONG WITH MY ASS.
157
00:08:33,533 --> 00:08:35,103
I DON'T KNOW
WHAT'S GOING ON.
158
00:08:35,100 --> 00:08:37,530
WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY ASS?
IT'S LOOSE AS A MOTHERFUCKER."
159
00:08:37,533 --> 00:08:41,203
I GO GET IN THE CAR,
I CRANK THE CAR UP, I JUST SLID DOWN...
160
00:08:42,433 --> 00:08:45,373
I'M HOLDING ONTO
THE STEERING WHEEL.
161
00:08:45,367 --> 00:08:47,527
I'M BRUCE BRUCE,
THANK YOU.
162
00:08:47,533 --> 00:08:50,033
( hip-hop music playing )
163
00:08:59,400 --> 00:09:02,170
BRUCE BRUCE, Y'ALL.
COME ON, SHOW HIM SOME LOVE.
164
00:09:02,166 --> 00:09:04,566
( cheering loudly )
165
00:09:07,900 --> 00:09:10,570
YEAH, HOW Y'ALL FEEL?
166
00:09:10,567 --> 00:09:14,267
WHAT Y'ALL ON?
WHAT Y'ALL BEEN SMOKING ON BEFORE Y'ALL CAME IN HERE?
167
00:09:14,266 --> 00:09:15,866
WHAT Y'ALL
BEEN DRINKIN'?
168
00:09:15,867 --> 00:09:18,227
THIS NIGGA HAD THE
JOHNNY WALKER RIGHT HERE.
169
00:09:18,233 --> 00:09:20,633
WHAT'S HAPPENIN'?
WESLEY SNIPES IN THE HOUSE!
170
00:09:23,900 --> 00:09:27,270
THAT'S A OLD PLAYER
RIGHT THERE, A OLD PLAYER.
171
00:09:27,266 --> 00:09:29,766
THAT BLACK NIGGA DIDN'T
EVEN PAY TO GET IN THE CLUB.
172
00:09:29,767 --> 00:09:31,567
HE PROBABLY CLOSED
HIS MOUTH AND EYES.
173
00:09:31,567 --> 00:09:33,967
SNUCK-- "MMM, I'M IN THE CLUB,
BET THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW."
174
00:09:38,000 --> 00:09:40,200
I LOVE YOU, MAN!
I LOVE YOU!
175
00:09:41,266 --> 00:09:43,026
THAT'S MY NIGGA
RIGHT THERE!
176
00:09:43,033 --> 00:09:45,373
Y'ALL READY TO HAVE
SOME MORE FUN?
177
00:09:45,367 --> 00:09:49,067
- Audience: YEAH!
- LET'S DO IT! LET'S DO IT! LET'S DO IT! LET'S DO IT!
178
00:09:50,600 --> 00:09:52,470
COMING TO THE STAGE,
Y'ALL GONNA LOVE HIM.
179
00:09:52,467 --> 00:09:54,967
STRAIGHT OUTTA CHI-TOWN.
PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER
180
00:09:54,967 --> 00:09:56,427
FOR DeRAY!
181
00:09:56,433 --> 00:09:59,733
- ( hip-hop music playing )
- ( cheering, applauding )
182
00:10:08,066 --> 00:10:10,666
YEAH YEAH YEAH
YEAH YEAH YEAH.
183
00:10:10,667 --> 00:10:14,267
YEAH YEAH,
THAT-- YEAH.
184
00:10:17,467 --> 00:10:19,627
- WHAT UP, CAPRI!
- Kid Capri: WHAT'S UP, BABY!
185
00:10:19,633 --> 00:10:22,503
Y'ALL SEE THAT LIGHT-SKIN
SHIT HAPPENING?
186
00:10:22,500 --> 00:10:25,770
LIGHT-SKIN THUGS, NIGGA,
Y'ALL DON'T KNOW WHAT I ALMOST DO, NIGGAS.
187
00:10:29,433 --> 00:10:32,703
YEAH, I GOT PROBLEMS.
I'M GLAD THEY LET ME TALK ON THIS MOTHERFUCKER.
188
00:10:32,700 --> 00:10:35,030
I GOT SOME ISSUES.
189
00:10:35,033 --> 00:10:37,203
WHY ALL THE WOMEN HATE
ALL THE BROKE-ASS NIGGAS?
190
00:10:37,200 --> 00:10:39,430
ALL THE WOMEN
SICK OF BROKE NIGGAS, MAKE SOME NOISE.
191
00:10:39,433 --> 00:10:42,433
- ( cheering )
- YEAH. YEAH YEAH. YEAH, FUCK Y'ALL.
192
00:10:44,567 --> 00:10:47,597
I'M SICK OF Y'ALL SHIT.
WHAT A BROKE NIGGA SUPPOSED TO DO NOW?
193
00:10:48,967 --> 00:10:51,497
FUCKIN'--
HOW YOU HATE ME, BITCH? I HATE ME.
194
00:10:53,834 --> 00:10:56,234
( laughs )
195
00:10:58,700 --> 00:11:00,300
SHIT, MY NIGGAS
BETTER GET LIKE ME.
196
00:11:00,300 --> 00:11:03,000
THEY'LL TAKE--
SHIT, I'LL TAKE WOMEN SHIT-SHOPPING.
197
00:11:04,100 --> 00:11:05,770
YOU EVER TAKE A BITCH
SHIT-SHOPPING?
198
00:11:05,767 --> 00:11:07,427
NO? YOU WALK IN THE MALLS,
199
00:11:07,433 --> 00:11:10,203
SHE BE LIKE "CAN I HAVE THAT?"
"SHIT."
200
00:11:12,367 --> 00:11:14,897
"WHAT ABOUT THAT?"
"SHIT."
201
00:11:16,266 --> 00:11:17,966
THAT'S NOTHING.
202
00:11:17,967 --> 00:11:20,927
AND IT'S ALWAYS
A BLACK WOMAN WHO'LL BE GETTING ON US AND SHIT.
203
00:11:20,934 --> 00:11:23,134
"YOU AIN'T GOT SHIT, NIGGA!
YOU AIN'T HAVE SHIT!"
204
00:11:23,133 --> 00:11:24,903
( grunting )
205
00:11:26,200 --> 00:11:28,330
YEAH, Y'ALL TIRED--
I'M SICK OF SEEING...
206
00:11:28,333 --> 00:11:31,503
WHITE WOMEN WITH BLACK NIGGAS.
Y'ALL GONNA KEEP HEARIN' THAT SHIT.
207
00:11:31,500 --> 00:11:33,300
YOU KNOW WHY?
YOU KNOW WHY?
208
00:11:33,300 --> 00:11:35,530
YOU KNOW WHY MOTHERFUCKERS
DATE WHITE WOMEN?
209
00:11:35,533 --> 00:11:38,733
BECAUSE WHITE WOMEN
DON'T QUESTION YO ASS. THEY DON'T.
210
00:11:38,734 --> 00:11:41,534
WHITE WOMEN ASK YOU
ONE FUCKING TIME AND ALL YOU GOTTA DO
211
00:11:41,533 --> 00:11:44,603
IS END IT WITH A CURSE WORD
AND SHE WON'T ASK YOU AGAIN.
212
00:11:44,600 --> 00:11:47,070
"WHERE WERE YOU AT?"
"I WAS AT TOM'S HOUSE, FUCK!"
213
00:11:47,066 --> 00:11:49,396
"OKAY, I'M SORRY."
214
00:11:51,166 --> 00:11:54,496
"GO BACK TO TOM.
IF THAT'S WHERE YOUR HAPPINESS LIES, GO TO TOM."
215
00:11:55,467 --> 00:11:57,227
NOT BLACK WOMEN.
HELLO, NO.
216
00:11:57,233 --> 00:11:58,733
Y'ALL MOTHERFUCKER BE--
217
00:11:58,734 --> 00:12:01,634
THEY BREAK OUT
THE MOTHERFUCKIN' POLICE LIGHT AND SHIT.
218
00:12:02,734 --> 00:12:04,634
THEY ASK YOU
100 FUCKING TIMES.
219
00:12:04,633 --> 00:12:06,273
"SO YOU WAS
AT TOM'S HOUSE?"
220
00:12:06,266 --> 00:12:09,366
"I WAS AT TOM'S HOUSE."
"SO YOU WAS AT TOM'S HOUSE?"
221
00:12:09,367 --> 00:12:10,997
"I WAS AT TOM'S HOUSE."
222
00:12:11,000 --> 00:12:14,570
"SO YOU TRYING TO TELL ME
RIGHT NOW TO MY FACE...
223
00:12:14,567 --> 00:12:18,467
IF I CALL TOM RIGHT NOW,
TOM GONNA ANSWER THE PHONE--"
224
00:12:18,467 --> 00:12:20,027
"BITCH I'M SICK
OF THIS SHIT!"
225
00:12:20,033 --> 00:12:21,973
"OH! OH! WHY YOU MAD?
226
00:12:21,967 --> 00:12:24,797
THE TRUTH AIN'T ANGRY.
THE TRUTH AIN'T NEVER ANGRY."
227
00:12:27,767 --> 00:12:30,527
RELATION-- THIS-- RELATIONSHIPS
ARE JUST FUCKED UP, MAN.
228
00:12:30,533 --> 00:12:33,333
WE CAN'T GET IN 'EM.
WE CAN'T GET OUT OF THE MOTHERFUCKERS.
229
00:12:33,333 --> 00:12:36,903
DON'T NOBODY WANNA BREAK UP.
DON'T ANY MOTHERFUCKER WANNA LEAVE NOBODY.
230
00:12:36,900 --> 00:12:40,070
ALL THESE JEALOUS-ASS NIGGAS.
LADIES, YOU EVER DATE A JEALOUS NIGGA?
231
00:12:40,066 --> 00:12:43,396
- ( cheering )
- NO, I MEAN THAT CRAZY-ASS JEALOUS NIGGA.
232
00:12:43,400 --> 00:12:45,630
THAT CR-- I MEAN, THAT NIGGA
SHOW UP TO YO JOB
233
00:12:45,633 --> 00:12:47,633
IN FLIP-FLOPS,
SOME SWIM TRUNKS...
234
00:12:47,633 --> 00:12:51,803
MOTHERFUCKING TANK-TOP BITCH.
"WHO UP HERE LIKE YOU, BITCH? WHICH ONE?"
235
00:12:56,266 --> 00:12:58,626
SOME NIGGAS
BE CRAZY-JEALOUS.
236
00:12:58,633 --> 00:13:00,933
THAT NIGGA DON'T WANT YOU
LOOKING AT NO OTHER MAN.
237
00:13:00,934 --> 00:13:02,904
"WHO IS THAT PICTURE
ON THE WALL, BITCH?"
238
00:13:02,900 --> 00:13:05,430
"THAT'S JESUS."
"TAKE IT DOWN!
239
00:13:09,834 --> 00:13:12,774
I GOTTA WALK
ON WATER TO GET LOVE AROUND THIS MOTHERFUCKER?"
240
00:13:17,867 --> 00:13:21,297
I GOT IT. I KNOW WE CRAZY.
BUT WOMEN, WHEN Y'ALL MOTHERFUCKERS GET MAD,
241
00:13:21,300 --> 00:13:23,670
Y'ALL THE CRAZIEST
MOTHERFUCKERS ON EARTH.
242
00:13:23,667 --> 00:13:26,267
THE ONE THING YOU DON'T
WANNA SEE IS A WOMAN SO MAD
243
00:13:26,266 --> 00:13:28,126
THAT SHE'S SMILIN'.
244
00:13:28,133 --> 00:13:30,173
SOMETHING WRONG
WITH THAT BITCH.
245
00:13:30,166 --> 00:13:33,166
WHEN SHE LIKE
"OH, IT'S LIKE THAT? WELL, LEAVE, NIGGA, LEAVE.
246
00:13:33,166 --> 00:13:35,096
OOH! YES!
LEAVE, MOTHERFUCKER.
247
00:13:35,100 --> 00:13:37,570
LEAVE, MOTHERFUCKER!
YES YES!
248
00:13:37,567 --> 00:13:39,497
LEAVE!"
"BITCH, WHY ARE YOU SMILIN'?
249
00:13:39,500 --> 00:13:41,230
WHY YOU SMILIN'?"
250
00:13:41,233 --> 00:13:43,203
"LEAVE, MOTHERFUCKER! LEAVE!"
251
00:13:44,400 --> 00:13:46,730
BITCH ABOUT TO KILL ME
IN MY SLEEP.
252
00:13:46,734 --> 00:13:49,174
THAT'S HOW YOU KNOW
YOUR WOMAN REAL MAD.
253
00:13:49,166 --> 00:13:51,666
IF YOU WANT TO FIND OUT
IF YOUR WOMAN REAL MAD, SNEEZE.
254
00:13:51,667 --> 00:13:54,497
SNEEZE, 'CAUSE YOUR WOMAN,
WHO LOVES YOU,
255
00:13:54,500 --> 00:13:56,270
CAN HEAR YOU SNEEZE
A MILE AWAY.
256
00:13:56,266 --> 00:13:59,966
SHE COULD BE DOWNSTAIRS,
YOU SNEEZE-- ( sneezes ) SHE'LL BE "BLESS YOU!"
257
00:13:59,967 --> 00:14:03,527
WHEN YOUR WOMAN MAD,
YOU BE STANDING NEXT TO HER-- RIGHT NEXT TO HER, JUST SNEEZE.
258
00:14:03,533 --> 00:14:05,903
( sneezes )
THEN IT'S GONNA BE LIKE "HMM, NIGGA.
259
00:14:05,900 --> 00:14:09,830
SNEEZE, NIGGA.
GO ON, SNEEZE OUT ALL THEM LIES, MOTHERFUCKER.
260
00:14:09,834 --> 00:14:12,204
YOU ALLERGIC TO BITCHES
IS WHAT IT IS."
261
00:14:15,500 --> 00:14:17,570
YOU CAN'T-- YOU CAN'T
BE OUT WITH YOUR WOMAN
262
00:14:17,567 --> 00:14:20,527
IF YOU A JEALOUS MOTHERFUCKER,
'CAUSE WOMEN KNOW HOW TO ACT, DAWG. TELL THE TRUTH.
263
00:14:20,533 --> 00:14:22,873
YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO ACT
IF YOU A JEALOUS MOTHERFUCKER.
264
00:14:22,867 --> 00:14:25,227
WOMEN HAVE BEEN
OUT WITH YO ASS BEFORE 'CAUSE WOMEN ARE SMARTER.
265
00:14:25,233 --> 00:14:27,533
WOMEN KNOW HOW TO PICK
THE WOMAN THAT YOU WILL FUCK WITH.
266
00:14:27,533 --> 00:14:29,903
IF A WOMAN SEES
A WOMAN IN A CLUB
267
00:14:29,900 --> 00:14:33,270
THAT YOU WILL FUCK WITH,
SHE WILL TELL YOU. WOMEN ARE UPFRONT WITH THAT SHIT.
268
00:14:33,266 --> 00:14:36,066
THEY BE LIKE,
"LOOK AT THAT BITCH.
269
00:14:36,066 --> 00:14:38,666
YOU WOULD FUCK WITH THAT BITCH
IF I WASN'T HERE.
270
00:14:38,667 --> 00:14:41,697
YES, YOU WOULD."
271
00:14:41,700 --> 00:14:44,170
THEN THEY ASK YOU,
"WOULD YOU FUCK WITH HER?"
272
00:14:44,166 --> 00:14:46,766
NIGGA'S DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO SAY, "I, UH..."
273
00:14:48,333 --> 00:14:50,673
'CAUSE WOMEN
CAN SAY, "SHE LOOK GOOD. LOOK AT HER ASS."
274
00:14:50,667 --> 00:14:53,267
WOMEN CAN SAY THAT SHIT.
MEN, OUR EGOS DON'T LET US DO THAT SHIT.
275
00:14:53,266 --> 00:14:55,266
YOU DON'T WANT YOUR WOMAN
FUCKING WITH NO NIGGA.
276
00:14:55,266 --> 00:14:57,296
YOU DON'T WANT TO THINK
NO NIGGA BETTER THAN YOU.
277
00:14:57,300 --> 00:15:00,170
WE CAN'T SAY ANOTHER
NIGGA WALKED IN THE CLUB AND HE LOOKED GOOD.
278
00:15:00,166 --> 00:15:02,026
WE SAY THAT SHIT
SUBLIMINALLY, DON'T WE?
279
00:15:02,033 --> 00:15:05,103
A NIGGA WALK IN THE CLUB
YOU THINK HE DOING A LITTLE SOMETHING WITH HIS LIFE,
280
00:15:05,100 --> 00:15:08,030
YOU SAY SHIT LIKE THIS
TO YOUR WOMAN, "HEY, THERE GOES YOUR BOY.
281
00:15:08,033 --> 00:15:10,373
THERE GOES YOUR BOY.
282
00:15:10,367 --> 00:15:12,597
THERE GOES YOUR NIGGA.
283
00:15:12,600 --> 00:15:15,670
NO, THAT'S YOUR BOY
RIGHT THERE."
284
00:15:18,667 --> 00:15:20,767
AND I'M SICK
OF ALL THIS CHEAT SHIT.
285
00:15:20,767 --> 00:15:23,327
WOMEN ARE ALWAYS,
"I CAUGHT YOU CHEATING."
286
00:15:23,333 --> 00:15:25,703
WOMEN LOVE TO GO
THROUGH YOUR SHIT. STAY THE FUCK OUT OF OUR SHIT.
287
00:15:25,700 --> 00:15:28,970
IF YOU DON'T WANT
TO FIND NOTHING, STAY OUT OF YOUR NIGGA'S SHIT.
288
00:15:28,967 --> 00:15:33,627
YOU SEARCHING
FOR YOUR OWN DEMISE, BITCH.
289
00:15:33,633 --> 00:15:35,573
STAY OUT OF YOUR NIGGA'S SHIT.
WOMEN LOVE TO--
290
00:15:35,567 --> 00:15:37,967
"WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?"
"WOMEN LOVE TO FIND PHONE NUMBERS.
291
00:15:37,967 --> 00:15:40,527
"WHOSE PHONE NUMBER
IS THIS? WHOSE PHONE NUMBER IS THIS, NIGGA?"
292
00:15:40,533 --> 00:15:43,003
WOMEN FIND PHONE NUMBERS,
HOLD THEM UP TO THE LIGHT LIKE IT'S GOLD.
293
00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:45,070
"WHO THE FUCK'S
PHONE NUMBER IS THIS?"
294
00:15:45,066 --> 00:15:47,466
NIGGAS, YOU GOT TO MAKE
YOUR WOMAN FEEL FUCKED UP.
295
00:15:47,467 --> 00:15:50,897
DeRAY YOUR HOUSE, NIGGA.
THAT'S WHAT THE FUCK I DO.
296
00:15:50,900 --> 00:15:53,370
I COME IN THE HOUSE,
I'LL JUST LAY A PHONE NUMBER DOWN.
297
00:15:53,367 --> 00:15:56,627
SHE CALL THE MOTHERFUCKER,
IT'D BE ME. "BITCH, YOU GOING THROUGH MY SHIT?"
298
00:15:56,633 --> 00:15:58,473
NEVER KNOW WHO
THE FUCK YOU CALLING.
299
00:15:58,467 --> 00:16:01,167
HEY, Y'ALL, I'M DeRAY.
Y'ALL MOTHERFUCKERS KEEP LAUGHING.
300
00:16:11,867 --> 00:16:14,867
KEEP THIS PARTY TRAIN ROLLING.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
301
00:16:14,867 --> 00:16:17,997
THIS NEXT BROTHER COMING
TO THE STAGE, WHAT CAN I SAY ABOUT HIM, MAN?
302
00:16:18,000 --> 00:16:20,170
HE PAVED THE WAY
FOR A LOT OF US.
303
00:16:20,166 --> 00:16:22,126
HE'S A LEGEND OUT HERE
IN THE GAME.
304
00:16:22,133 --> 00:16:24,073
STRAIGHT OUT
OF LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA,
305
00:16:24,066 --> 00:16:26,296
GIVE IT UP FOR ONE
OF THE KINGS OF COMEDY,
306
00:16:26,300 --> 00:16:28,170
D.L. HUGHLEY.
307
00:16:39,867 --> 00:16:41,897
HOW Y'ALL DOING?
308
00:16:42,834 --> 00:16:44,334
WHAT'S UP?
309
00:16:44,333 --> 00:16:47,733
WHAT'S UP, KID?
YOU LOOK GOOD, MAN.
310
00:16:47,734 --> 00:16:51,604
IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE
WE DID THIS SHIT HERE, BOY.
311
00:16:51,600 --> 00:16:55,800
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT,
SOME THINGS CHANGE, SOME THINGS STAY THE SAME.
312
00:16:55,800 --> 00:16:57,370
NOW THEY WANT
TO BUILD A WALL
313
00:16:57,367 --> 00:16:59,927
TO KEEP THE MEXICANS OUT
OF UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.
314
00:16:59,934 --> 00:17:02,404
I'M LIKE, "WHO'S GONNA BUILD
THE MOTHERFUCKER?"
315
00:17:04,834 --> 00:17:07,604
I KNOW WE AIN'T DOING IT.
FUCK THAT SHIT.
316
00:17:07,600 --> 00:17:11,070
YOU KNOW WHITE PEOPLE
AIN'T WORKING OUT IN THE SUN THAT GODDAMN LONG.
317
00:17:11,066 --> 00:17:13,896
HOW MANY MORE BRICKS
DO WE HAVE TO GO? JESUS!
318
00:17:13,900 --> 00:17:17,530
JOSE, HELP ME
WITH THE WALL, PLEASE.
319
00:17:17,533 --> 00:17:20,373
AS LONG AS YOU'RE ON
THE OTHER SIDE WHEN WE FINISH NO ONE'LL CARE.
320
00:17:20,367 --> 00:17:22,427
PLEASE, JESUS.
321
00:17:23,734 --> 00:17:25,604
THE MEXICANS ARE TAKING
ALL THE GOOD JOBS.
322
00:17:25,600 --> 00:17:28,230
LIKE WHITE PEOPLE
ARE GONNA PICK FRUIT? AIN'T THAT A BITCH?
323
00:17:28,233 --> 00:17:31,673
YOU CAN'T GET A WHITE DUDE
TO HAND YOU AN ORANGE AT THE GROCERY STORE.
324
00:17:31,667 --> 00:17:34,497
"PARDON,
HAND ME THAT ORANGE." "OH, I-I-- NO NO.
325
00:17:34,500 --> 00:17:38,370
JOSE, HAND HIM
THE ORANGE, PLEASE."
326
00:17:38,367 --> 00:17:41,397
IT'S FUCKED UP
'CAUSE EVERYBODY IN THIS MOTHERFUCKER TOOK A BOAT.
327
00:17:41,400 --> 00:17:45,070
EVERYBODY. BLACK PEOPLE--
THE ONLY PEOPLE THAT WAS HERE WAS MEXICANS AND INDIANS.
328
00:17:45,066 --> 00:17:47,326
AND NOW THEY GOT A RULE
THAT SAY IF CUBANS LEAVE CUBA
329
00:17:47,333 --> 00:17:49,873
AND MAKE IT TO THE UNITED STATES
OF AMERICA, THEY GET TO STAY.
330
00:17:49,867 --> 00:17:53,667
SO IF I WAS A MEXICAN,
I'D FLOAT OVER TO CUBA AND RIDE BACK WITH THEM MOTHERFUCKERS.
331
00:17:56,367 --> 00:17:59,597
"ARE YOU CUBAN?"
"SI."
332
00:17:59,600 --> 00:18:02,500
"ARE YOU SURE?"
"SI."
333
00:18:04,700 --> 00:18:06,870
I'M GLAD MICHAEL JACKSON
DIDN'T GO TO JAIL.
334
00:18:06,867 --> 00:18:09,597
THAT'S ONE MOTHERFUCKER
AIN'T CUT OUT FOR THE PENITENTIARY.
335
00:18:09,600 --> 00:18:12,830
THEY'D HAVE BEEN PASSING
THAT MOTHERFUCKER AROUND LIKE A JOINT.
336
00:18:12,834 --> 00:18:16,534
"WOULD YOU LIKE
A HIT OF THE KING OF POP?" "WHY, YES I WOULD LIKE."
337
00:18:16,533 --> 00:18:20,773
I FEEL BAD FOR THE COURTROOM
ARTIST 'CAUSE THAT BITCH HAD TO DRAW MICHAEL JACKSON.
338
00:18:20,767 --> 00:18:24,427
THAT CAN'T BE EASY
'CAUSE HIS COLOR AIN'T EVEN IN THE CRAYON BOX.
339
00:18:27,266 --> 00:18:29,996
YOU GOT TO MIX SOME SHIT UP
TO DRAW MICHAEL JACKSON.
340
00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:32,800
"I'M GONNA NEED SOME PEACH
AND SOME YELLOW."
341
00:18:37,500 --> 00:18:39,630
AND 2005 WAS THE YEAR
OF THE MISSING WHITE WOMAN:
342
00:18:39,633 --> 00:18:42,633
YOU COULDN'T TURN ON
THE NEWS WITHOUT A WHITE WOMAN BEING MISSING.
343
00:18:42,633 --> 00:18:46,903
"ANOTHER MISSING WHITE WOMAN.
WE GO LIVE TO BED, BATH & BEYOND."
344
00:18:46,900 --> 00:18:49,070
THAT WHITE WOMAN CAME UP
MISSING IN ARUBA,
345
00:18:49,066 --> 00:18:51,466
THEY ARRESTED EVERY NIGGA
ON THE ISLAND, DIDN'T THEY?
346
00:18:51,467 --> 00:18:54,627
"WE KNOW YOU KNOW SOMETHING,
YOU BLACK SON OF A BITCH. TELL US!"
347
00:18:54,633 --> 00:18:56,973
I'M NOT BULLSHITTING.
THE FIRST MISSING WHITE WOMAN
348
00:18:56,967 --> 00:18:58,827
WAS A RUNAWAY BRIDE
DOWN IN GEORGIA.
349
00:18:58,834 --> 00:19:01,904
THIS BITCH HAD THE BIGGEST
EYES I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY WHOLE FUCKING LIFE.
350
00:19:01,900 --> 00:19:04,070
YOU CAN'T KIDNAP A WOMAN
WITH EYES THAT BIG.
351
00:19:04,066 --> 00:19:07,966
SHE DONE SEE YOU COMING.
"YOU'RE TRYING TO KIDNAP ME, HUH?"
352
00:19:07,967 --> 00:19:12,027
"I WAS, BUT YOU SAW US NOW
SO FUCK IT."
353
00:19:12,033 --> 00:19:14,933
I READ ABOUT THIS ONE
WHITE WOMAN WHO BROKE HER BLACK HUSBAND OUT
354
00:19:14,934 --> 00:19:18,004
OF THE PENITENTIARY
IN TENNESSEE. THAT'S THE KIND OF WOMAN I NEED.
355
00:19:18,000 --> 00:19:21,070
I'M GONNA GET ME
A WHITE WOMAN. FUCK Y'ALL.
356
00:19:21,066 --> 00:19:25,126
YOU CAN'T GET SISTER TO PICK
YOU UP FROM THE AIRPORT, HUH?
357
00:19:25,133 --> 00:19:27,933
"I'M GONNA DRIVE
AROUND TWO TIMES.
358
00:19:27,934 --> 00:19:31,274
IF YOUR ASS
AIN'T OUT, I GOT TO GO. FUCK THAT SHIT.
359
00:19:31,266 --> 00:19:34,796
I GOT A NAIL APPOINTMENT.
I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU THINK YOU FUCKING WITH.
360
00:19:34,800 --> 00:19:36,770
THIS IS SOME BULLSHIT."
361
00:19:38,633 --> 00:19:40,733
AND I'M SO TIRED--
YOU KNOW I JUST READ RECENTLY
362
00:19:40,734 --> 00:19:42,574
WHERE THERE'S AN INCREASE
IN BEAR ATTACKS.
363
00:19:42,567 --> 00:19:44,427
SEE, BLACK PEOPLE
DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT SHIT
364
00:19:44,433 --> 00:19:46,903
'CAUSE TO GET ATTACKED
BY A BEAR YOU GOT TO GO TO THE WOODS
365
00:19:46,900 --> 00:19:48,830
AND WE AIN'T GOING
TO THE WOODS.
366
00:19:48,834 --> 00:19:51,534
BROTHER WON'T EVEN GO
TO THE WOODS TO GET AWAY FROM THE POLICE.
367
00:19:51,533 --> 00:19:53,803
"FUCK, THE POLICE."
"I KNOW, THEN GO TO THE WOODS."
368
00:19:53,800 --> 00:19:56,430
"OFFICER! OFFICER!"
369
00:19:56,433 --> 00:20:01,073
A BEAR WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT THE FUCK WE WAS. "WHAT IS THAT?"
370
00:20:01,066 --> 00:20:03,726
"I DON'T KNOW,
BUT IT SURE IS FAST.
371
00:20:03,734 --> 00:20:05,774
LET'S GET
OUT OF THE WOODS.
372
00:20:05,767 --> 00:20:08,297
DICK CHENEY MIGHT BE HUNTING
IN THIS MOTHERFUCKER."
373
00:20:08,300 --> 00:20:11,230
DICK CHENEY SHOT THE SHIT
OUT OF THAT MOTHERFUCKER, DIDN'T HE?
374
00:20:11,233 --> 00:20:13,703
YOU KNOW IT'S A ROUGH-ASS
WORLD WHEN THE VICE PRESIDENT
375
00:20:13,700 --> 00:20:16,670
IS DOING A DRIVE-BY.
AIN'T THAT A BITCH?
376
00:20:16,667 --> 00:20:19,427
HE SHOT THAT MOTHERFUCKER
SO GOOD THE VICTIM GOT UP AND APOLOGIZED.
377
00:20:19,433 --> 00:20:22,333
"I'M SORRY.
IT WAS MY FAULT.
378
00:20:22,333 --> 00:20:24,573
I SHOULD'VE WATCHED
WHERE HE WAS SHOOTING."
379
00:20:24,567 --> 00:20:26,997
I READ ABOUT THIS ONE BROTHER,
BRIAN NICHOLS IN ATLANTA,
380
00:20:27,000 --> 00:20:29,500
BROKE OUT OF JAIL,
KILLED THE BAILIFF, KILLED THE JUDGE,
381
00:20:29,500 --> 00:20:31,300
WENT TO A WHITE LADY'S HOUSE,
ASHLEY SMITH,
382
00:20:31,300 --> 00:20:33,670
AND SHE HAD THE COMMON SENSE
TO MAKE HIM PANCAKES.
383
00:20:33,667 --> 00:20:36,767
'CAUSE DON'T NOTHING CALM DOWN
A NIGGA ON A KILLING SPREE
384
00:20:36,767 --> 00:20:39,897
LIKE A DELICIOUS
STACK OF PANCAKES.
385
00:20:39,900 --> 00:20:43,030
"I'M SO FULL I CAN'T KILL
ANOTHER MOTHERFUCKER.
386
00:20:47,066 --> 00:20:49,866
WHAT DID YOU PUT
IN THESE PANCAKES?"
387
00:20:49,867 --> 00:20:52,067
IT'S SOMETHING ELSE, MAN.
I'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR 20 YEARS.
388
00:20:52,066 --> 00:20:54,996
KNOW WHAT I REALIZED?
WHEN YOU'RE A MAN AND MARRIED, YOU GOT TO GIVE SOME SHIT UP.
389
00:20:55,000 --> 00:20:56,570
THAT'S WHAT MAKES
A RELATIONSHIP WORK.
390
00:20:56,567 --> 00:20:58,627
YOU CAN'T BE THE SAME MAN
YOU WAS BEFORE YOU GOT MARRIED.
391
00:20:58,633 --> 00:21:01,073
YOU GOT TO GIVE SOME SHIT UP.
THAT'S RIGHT.
392
00:21:03,700 --> 00:21:07,400
YOU GOT TO GIVE UP HOPE,
THAT'S WHAT THE FUCK YOU HAVE TO GIVE UP.
393
00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:10,570
HOPE KILLS.
SAY YOU'RE DRIVING HOME TO THIS LOVELY WOMAN.
394
00:21:10,567 --> 00:21:12,927
YOU GO,
"MAN, I HOPE SHE COOKED." SHE DIDN'T.
395
00:21:12,934 --> 00:21:15,404
"HOPE SHE AIN'T MAD."
SHE IS.
396
00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:18,230
"HOPE I CAN GET SOME HEAD."
YOU WON'T.
397
00:21:18,233 --> 00:21:21,803
'CAUSE WOMEN STOP GIVING HEAD
THE MINUTE THEY SAY "I DO."
398
00:21:21,800 --> 00:21:25,000
"I DO. NOW I DON'T HAVE
TO SUCK DICK ANYMORE. THANK GOD.
399
00:21:25,000 --> 00:21:29,730
I WAS SO HUMILIATED.
IF HE'D HAVE GRABBED MY EARS ONE MORE TIME, I SWEAR TO GOD--"
400
00:21:33,033 --> 00:21:36,433
AND WOMEN ARE FUCKING CRAZY.
THEY DO SHIT THEY DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND.
401
00:21:36,433 --> 00:21:40,533
PUT TOWELS IN THE BATHROOM
AIN'T NOBODY SUPPOSED TO USE. WHAT TYPE OF SHIT IS THAT?
402
00:21:40,533 --> 00:21:43,033
"DON'T USE THOSE TOWELS.
THEY'RE NOT FOR YOU."
403
00:21:43,033 --> 00:21:45,973
"WHAT THE FUCK THEY
IN HERE FOR?" "THEY'RE NOT FOR YOU, GOD DAMN IT!"
404
00:21:45,967 --> 00:21:48,897
EVERY TIME I GET OUT
OF THE SHOWER, I RUB MY DICK ACROSS THEM TOWELS.
405
00:21:48,900 --> 00:21:51,770
FUCK THESE TOWELS.
DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THESE GODDAMN TOWELS.
406
00:21:51,767 --> 00:21:55,127
YOU KNOW WHY MEN
ARE LAUGHING? 'CAUSE WE ALL DO IT, THAT'S WHY.
407
00:21:59,633 --> 00:22:03,173
YOU GUYS COME INTO
THE BATHROOM, "DO THESE TOWELS SMELL FUNNY TO YOU?"
408
00:22:03,166 --> 00:22:05,196
"NO, THEY DON'T."
409
00:22:05,200 --> 00:22:07,970
"HOW COME YOU DON'T
EVER TALK TO ME AFTER WE FINISH MAKING LOVE?"
410
00:22:07,967 --> 00:22:10,267
'CAUSE PUSSY MAKES YOU SLEEPIER
THAN A MOTHERFUCKER.
411
00:22:10,266 --> 00:22:12,566
YOU GET SOME PUSSY,
YOU CAN'T STAY AWAKE.
412
00:22:12,567 --> 00:22:14,897
"WHAT DOES SHE PUT IN HERE?
413
00:22:14,900 --> 00:22:18,070
I CAN'T KEEP MY EYES OPEN."
414
00:22:18,066 --> 00:22:21,266
YOU GET SOME PUSSY
AND EAT A TURKEY SANDWICH YOU'RE IN A COMA.
415
00:22:23,000 --> 00:22:25,800
"I THINK SHE'S TRYING
TO KILL ME."
416
00:22:27,633 --> 00:22:30,303
WOMEN WILL STAY UP ALL NIGHT
DOING THE FREAKIEST SHIT IN THE WORLD TO YOU
417
00:22:30,300 --> 00:22:31,930
BUT IN THE MORNING
THEY WON'T LET YOU
418
00:22:31,934 --> 00:22:34,304
USE THEIR FUCKING TOOTHBRUSH.
WHAT'S THAT SHIT ABOUT?
419
00:22:34,300 --> 00:22:37,500
"DON'T USE MY TOOTHBRUSH.
THAT'S NASTY."
420
00:22:39,133 --> 00:22:42,273
"HEY, GIRL, YOU WAS WITH ME
LAST NIGHT, RIGHT?
421
00:22:42,266 --> 00:22:44,426
THAT WAS NASTY.
422
00:22:44,433 --> 00:22:48,073
I HAD MY FACE IN YOUR ASS.
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
423
00:22:49,800 --> 00:22:52,200
THIS AIN'T NO BEARD.
THIS IS ALL THAT'S LEFT OF YOU.
424
00:22:52,200 --> 00:22:54,500
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?"
425
00:22:58,000 --> 00:22:59,870
THAT'S THE THING
ABOUT MARRIED WOMEN.
426
00:22:59,867 --> 00:23:01,927
ONCE THEY GET MARRIED
ALL THE FUCKING FUN GO.
427
00:23:01,934 --> 00:23:05,304
THAT'S WHAT THE DEAL IS.
MARRIED WOMEN GIVE HEAD WITH OTHER SHIT ON THEIR MIND.
428
00:23:05,300 --> 00:23:07,670
"HURRY UP, I GOT TO TAKE
THIS CORNBREAD OUT.
429
00:23:13,066 --> 00:23:16,096
DON'T SQUIRT NONE
OF THAT SHIT IN MY EYE.
430
00:23:16,100 --> 00:23:19,630
THE KIDS ARE GETTING OFF
THE BUS PRETTY SOON, HURRY UP."
431
00:23:22,600 --> 00:23:25,000
I'M SO TIRED OF WHITE FOLK
GETTING KILLED AT WORK.
432
00:23:25,000 --> 00:23:26,900
I DON'T KNOW WHAT
THE FUCK TO DO.
433
00:23:26,900 --> 00:23:29,530
IF YOU AIN'T SURE WHAT
TO DO, WATCH THE BLACK PEOPLE AND THE LATIN PEOPLE
434
00:23:29,533 --> 00:23:31,273
'CAUSE WE WILL EASE
THE FUCK OUT OF A SIT--
435
00:23:31,266 --> 00:23:33,796
"THIS MOTHERFUCKER LOOK CRAZY.
FUCK THIS SHIT.
436
00:23:33,800 --> 00:23:36,230
I'M SURE GLAD
I AIN'T THE SUPERVISOR.
437
00:23:36,233 --> 00:23:38,703
FUCK THAT SHIT.
THIS PLACE ABOUT TO BE ON THE NEWS."
438
00:23:38,700 --> 00:23:40,700
WHITE FOLK WALK RIGHT UP
TO THE TROUBLE, "HEY,
439
00:23:40,700 --> 00:23:44,200
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE
WITH THAT CAMOUFLAGE ON?
440
00:23:44,200 --> 00:23:47,430
NOBODY TOLD ME
IT WAS CASUAL FRIDAY."
441
00:23:47,433 --> 00:23:50,233
POP POP POP POP POP.
442
00:23:50,233 --> 00:23:53,073
WE BE AT HOME WATCHING THE NEWS.
"I WAS JUST THERE.
443
00:23:56,900 --> 00:23:59,000
THEY DONE KILLED
THE SUPERVISOR, HUH?
444
00:23:59,000 --> 00:24:01,830
I'M GONNA APPLY
FOR THE JOB TOMORROW." FUCK THAT SHIT.
445
00:24:04,800 --> 00:24:06,370
THAT TSUNAMI LAST YEAR
FUCKED ME UP.
446
00:24:06,367 --> 00:24:08,297
200,000 PEOPLE DIED IN THAT.
NO ANIMALS DIED.
447
00:24:08,300 --> 00:24:10,570
ANIMALS SENSED WHAT WAS
GOING ON AND GOT THE FUCK OUT.
448
00:24:10,567 --> 00:24:12,967
NOW THEY TRYING TO USE THEM
FOR AN EARLY-WARNING SYSTEM.
449
00:24:12,967 --> 00:24:16,267
LIKE A CHICKEN GONNA
TELL US WHAT'S GOING ON. "WHAT'S WRONG, BOY?"
450
00:24:16,266 --> 00:24:18,226
( screeched )
"YOU'LL FIND OUT.
451
00:24:19,467 --> 00:24:21,567
IT'S ABOUT TO BE
FUCKED UP AROUND HERE."
452
00:24:24,533 --> 00:24:26,933
I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW
YOU GET KILLED IN A TSUNAMI.
453
00:24:26,934 --> 00:24:29,404
ONE OF THE FIRST SIGNS
IS THAT THE BEACH LEAVES!
454
00:24:29,400 --> 00:24:31,800
IF I EVER GO TO THE BEACH
AND THE BEACH AIN'T THERE,
455
00:24:31,800 --> 00:24:34,330
THEN GOD DAMN IT,
I AIN'T GONNA BE THERE EITHER.
456
00:24:34,333 --> 00:24:36,233
BUT WHITE FOLKS
OUGHT TO FIGURE IT OUT--
457
00:24:36,233 --> 00:24:38,333
"I CAME ALL THE WAY
TO THAILAND TO SEE THE BEACH
458
00:24:38,333 --> 00:24:40,473
AND IT HAS THE AUDACITY
TO NOT BE HERE.
459
00:24:40,467 --> 00:24:42,567
I DEMAND THAT--
HERE IT COMES."
460
00:24:46,500 --> 00:24:49,470
THAT HURRICANE FUCKED ME UP.
I WAS IN JAPAN WHEN THAT HAPPENED.
461
00:24:49,467 --> 00:24:51,297
AND HURRICANE KATRINA
FUCKED ME UP,
462
00:24:51,300 --> 00:24:53,770
'CAUSE I WAS IN JAPAN
AND I SAW BLACK PEOPLE RUNNING,
463
00:24:53,767 --> 00:24:56,227
AND UNDER THAT
THEY ACTUALLY SAID "REFUGEES."
464
00:24:56,233 --> 00:24:59,103
AND I THOUGHT,
"WHAT THE FUCK DONE HAPPENED IN HAITI?"
465
00:24:59,100 --> 00:25:02,330
THEM WASN'T REFUGEES.
THEM WAS AMERICAN CITIZENS.
466
00:25:02,333 --> 00:25:05,073
REFUGEES IS A--
THAT'S-- DIG IT.
467
00:25:05,066 --> 00:25:07,026
THAT'S RIGHT.
468
00:25:07,033 --> 00:25:08,933
THE REFUGEES
IS A HIP-HOP GROUP
469
00:25:08,934 --> 00:25:10,874
WHO I'M GLAD
GOT BACK TOGETHER.
470
00:25:10,867 --> 00:25:12,927
AND IF YOU ARE
TAKING CLOTHES OR FOOD,
471
00:25:12,934 --> 00:25:14,904
YOU WASN'T LOOTING,
YOU WERE SURVIVING.
472
00:25:14,900 --> 00:25:17,830
THAT'S RIGHT.
WAIT A MINUTE.
473
00:25:17,834 --> 00:25:19,904
HOWEVER,
THAT ONE MOTHERFUCKER
474
00:25:19,900 --> 00:25:22,200
PUSHING THAT PLASMA TV
THROUGH SIX FEET OF WATER,
475
00:25:22,200 --> 00:25:25,170
HE WAS-- HE WAS LOOTING
LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER. UH-HUH.
476
00:25:25,166 --> 00:25:26,996
I'M LIKE, "YOU DUMB
SON OF A BITCH.
477
00:25:27,000 --> 00:25:28,800
WHERE THE FUCK YOU GONNA
PLUG IT IN AT?"
478
00:25:28,800 --> 00:25:31,000
HOW COME THEY DIDN'T LEAVE?
THEY COULD HAVE LEFT.
479
00:25:31,000 --> 00:25:33,430
BLACK PEOPLE
FEEL LIKE WE GOT A SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD.
480
00:25:33,433 --> 00:25:35,873
"GOD'LL GIVE ME A SIGN.
HE'LL LET ME KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON."
481
00:25:35,867 --> 00:25:38,297
AND HE WILL,
BUT YOU GOTTA STOP LOOKING FOR THE BIG SHIT
482
00:25:38,300 --> 00:25:40,330
LIKE RUMBLING BUSHES
AND BURNING IN THE CLOUDS.
483
00:25:40,333 --> 00:25:43,603
SOMETIMES GOD JUST
SENDS A WEATHERMAN SAYING, "ALL THIS SHIT RIGHT HERE?
484
00:25:43,600 --> 00:25:45,400
IT'S ABOUT TO BLOW DOWN
THE STREET."
485
00:25:45,400 --> 00:25:47,770
I'LL HOLLA AT Y'ALL LATER.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
486
00:26:01,000 --> 00:26:04,100
RUSSELL SIMMONS, Y'ALL,
RUSSELL SIMMONS!
487
00:26:07,433 --> 00:26:10,173
THANK YOU FOR COMING OUT.
GOD BLESS YOU. GOOD NIGHT.
488
00:26:11,667 --> 00:26:14,297
( theme music playing )
489
00:26:14,347 --> 00:26:18,897
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