All language subtitles for Def Comedy Jam s08e05.eng

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:16,400 --> 00:00:18,130 ( theme music playing ) 2 00:00:18,133 --> 00:00:20,603 Kid Capri: IT'S THE ONE AND ONLY "RUSSELL SIMMONS' 3 00:00:20,600 --> 00:00:22,370 DEF COMEDY JAM"! 4 00:00:22,367 --> 00:00:24,467 WITH YOUR HOST, MIKE EPPS! 5 00:00:25,667 --> 00:00:28,527 TONIGHT'S GUESTS-- BRUCE BRUCE, 6 00:00:28,533 --> 00:00:30,273 DeRAY 7 00:00:30,266 --> 00:00:32,296 AND D.L. HUGHLEY. 8 00:00:35,166 --> 00:00:37,066 I AM YOUR MAN, THE WORLD'S GREATEST D.J., 9 00:00:37,066 --> 00:00:39,126 THE KID CAPRI! 10 00:00:39,133 --> 00:00:41,703 AND WE ARE BACK! 11 00:00:42,767 --> 00:00:44,367 AND NOW THE HOST... 12 00:00:44,367 --> 00:00:46,297 MIKE EPPS! 13 00:00:46,300 --> 00:00:47,970 ( applauding, cheering ) 14 00:00:57,767 --> 00:01:00,297 YEAH! YEAH! 15 00:01:00,300 --> 00:01:03,170 YEAH YEAH YEAH! 16 00:01:03,166 --> 00:01:05,226 ONE MORE TIME FOR KID CAPRI! 17 00:01:09,967 --> 00:01:11,867 BOY, Y'ALL LOOK GOOD IN THE MOTHERFUCKER. 18 00:01:11,867 --> 00:01:14,067 LOOK AT THE HEAD-SHINE ON THIS NIGGA'S HEAD. 19 00:01:15,800 --> 00:01:17,570 DAMN, I BET WHEN YOU WAS IN SCHOOL 20 00:01:17,567 --> 00:01:19,927 YOU WAS THE HEAD OF YO CLASS. 21 00:01:22,700 --> 00:01:25,570 I BET IN YO HOUSE, YOU THE HEAD OF THE HOUSEHOLD. 22 00:01:26,834 --> 00:01:28,404 NIGGA GOT A BIG-ASS HEAD. 23 00:01:28,400 --> 00:01:30,870 NIGGA HEAD SO HEAVY, NIGGA JUST BE LIKE THIS HERE. 24 00:01:33,533 --> 00:01:36,133 LOOK, THEY GOT A WHITE GIRL WITH A WHITE GIRL! 25 00:01:36,133 --> 00:01:39,573 THEY BE MAKING YOU PAY FOR EVERYTHING, DON'T THEY? TELL THE TRUTH. 26 00:01:41,300 --> 00:01:43,300 "CALL SHARON, LET'S GO." 27 00:01:46,967 --> 00:01:49,827 LOOK AT THE PONYTAIL MAN, PONYTAIL! 28 00:01:50,800 --> 00:01:53,570 YOU DONE PULLED YO SHIT BACK, AIN'T YA? 29 00:01:53,567 --> 00:01:55,727 IT AIN'T ENOUGH, NIGGA. DON'T DO IT AGAIN. 30 00:02:02,567 --> 00:02:06,127 YOU WON'T SEE THAT BIG-ASS VEIN POPPIN' UP IN YO MOTHERFUCKIN' HEAD. 31 00:02:10,033 --> 00:02:11,973 ALL THE BIG GIRLS WITH THE BIG TITTIES-- 32 00:02:11,967 --> 00:02:13,897 BIG GIRLS WITH THE BIG TITTIES'LL LET FOOD 33 00:02:13,900 --> 00:02:15,830 JUST FALL ALL DOWN IN THEIR TITTIES. 34 00:02:17,834 --> 00:02:21,474 GET THE MUNCHIES LATER ON. "I THINK I GOT A BROWNIE FROM EARLIER TODAY." 35 00:02:29,033 --> 00:02:31,873 EVERY TIME I DO SOMETHING BAD, GOD PAY ME BACK QUICK. 36 00:02:31,867 --> 00:02:34,027 I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS. 37 00:02:34,033 --> 00:02:36,233 OTHER DAY, I STOLE A PACK OF COOKIES OUT THE STORE 38 00:02:36,233 --> 00:02:38,573 AND GOT HOME, DIDN'T HAVE NO KEYS TO GET IN THE HOUSE. 39 00:02:38,567 --> 00:02:40,467 I SAID, "AIN'T THIS A BITCH?" 40 00:02:45,333 --> 00:02:47,573 BUT GOD KNOW MY HEART. THAT'S WHAT A NIGGA SAY 41 00:02:47,567 --> 00:02:49,227 TO GET OUT OF SOME SHIT, DON'T HE? 42 00:02:49,233 --> 00:02:51,833 "HE KNOW MY HEART." 43 00:02:51,834 --> 00:02:54,104 HE GONNA KNOW YO ASS IN A MINUTE. 44 00:02:55,767 --> 00:02:58,127 I AIN'T BULLSHITTIN'. BOY, I'M TRYING TO-- 45 00:02:58,133 --> 00:02:59,703 I'M TRYING TO DO THE RIGHT THING. 46 00:02:59,700 --> 00:03:01,370 I AIN'T GONNA LIE TO YOU. 47 00:03:01,367 --> 00:03:04,667 I-I GOT SO MANY KIDS NOW AND I JUST RIDE THROUGH THE HOOD AND WAVE. 48 00:03:04,667 --> 00:03:06,697 I CAN'T STOP AND FUCK WITH ALL OF 'EM. 49 00:03:11,934 --> 00:03:14,304 KICK DA BEAT! 50 00:03:14,300 --> 00:03:17,200 - I WISH I COULD-- HIT IT, KID, HIT ME A-- - ( buzzing sound ) 51 00:03:19,333 --> 00:03:20,873 GO AHEAD-- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. 52 00:03:20,867 --> 00:03:23,097 HAVE YOU EVER WALKED UP IN A CROWD AND JUST DID THIS 53 00:03:23,100 --> 00:03:24,870 AND WALKED OUT? DO IT AGAIN. 54 00:03:24,867 --> 00:03:26,797 ( buzzing sound ) 55 00:03:32,367 --> 00:03:35,527 AND STOOD OVER THERE AND WATCH EVERYBODY POINT AT EACH OTHER. 56 00:03:40,033 --> 00:03:43,103 Y'ALL READY FOR A GOOD SHOW? PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER, LET'S GO! 57 00:03:43,100 --> 00:03:45,100 ( cheering, applauding ) 58 00:03:47,500 --> 00:03:49,270 COMING TO THE STAGE, 59 00:03:49,266 --> 00:03:52,296 STRAIGHT OUTTA THE A.T.L., GIVE IT UP FOR BRUCE BRUCE! 60 00:03:52,300 --> 00:03:55,600 - ( hip-hop music playing ) - ( applauding, cheering ) 61 00:04:02,567 --> 00:04:05,067 WHAT'S UP, WHAT'S UP? 62 00:04:06,900 --> 00:04:09,070 WHAT'S HAPPENING, WHAT'S HAPPENING? 63 00:04:12,834 --> 00:04:14,934 WHAT'S UP? 64 00:04:16,033 --> 00:04:17,603 WHAT'S UP, PLAYER? 65 00:04:17,600 --> 00:04:19,570 LOOKING LIKE MY REAL UNCLE-- WHAT'S THAT? 66 00:04:19,567 --> 00:04:22,027 IS IT ME OR IS IT HOT IN HERE? SHIT. 67 00:04:22,033 --> 00:04:24,333 I'M ABOUT TO FALL OUT OF THIS CIVIL RIGHTS SUIT. 68 00:04:26,367 --> 00:04:28,727 WHAT'S GOING ON? Y'ALL LOOKING GOOD. 69 00:04:28,734 --> 00:04:31,204 YOU LOOKIN' AT ME LIKE I'M GONNA FALL, I AIN'T GONNA FALL. 70 00:04:33,000 --> 00:04:36,400 SHE PRAYIN' RIGHT NOW, "FATHER GOD, PLEASE DON'T LET HIM FALL, JESUS." 71 00:04:36,400 --> 00:04:38,470 IF I FALL, WHO GONNA HELP ME UP? NOBODY. 72 00:04:38,467 --> 00:04:40,367 Y'ALL BE STANDING ACROSS THE STREET. 73 00:04:40,367 --> 00:04:42,497 "THAT FAT DUDE FELL OVER THERE, FOR REAL." 74 00:04:42,500 --> 00:04:45,230 WHITE PEOPLE ONLY ONE GONNA HELP YOU-- "ARE YOU OKAY?" 75 00:04:45,233 --> 00:04:49,033 BLACK PEOPLE WALK RIGHT PAST YOU. "LET ME GET RIGHT HERE, BRO." 76 00:04:49,033 --> 00:04:51,573 ( laughing ) I'M GLAD TO SEE WHITE PEOPLE IN THE HOUSE. 77 00:04:51,567 --> 00:04:53,627 I LIKE WHITE PEOPLE. AND I'M GONNA TELL YOU-- 78 00:04:53,633 --> 00:04:55,703 WHITE PEOPLE, ONE THING YOU HAVE GOT TO LEARN, 79 00:04:55,700 --> 00:04:58,370 YOU HAVE GOT TO LEARN TO PICK UP ON STUFF BEFORE IT HAPPEN. 80 00:04:58,367 --> 00:05:00,527 BLACK PEOPLE CAN PICK UP ON STUFF INSTANTLY. 81 00:05:00,533 --> 00:05:03,233 I THINK IT'S BECAUSE WE LIVE ON EDGE ALL OUR LIFE. 82 00:05:03,233 --> 00:05:05,603 BLACK PERSON GO HOME TODAY, PUT THEIR KEY IN THE DOOR, 83 00:05:05,600 --> 00:05:08,770 BE LIKE "WHAT'S WRONG?" "SOMEBODY DONE TRIED TO BREAK IN MY HOUSE." 84 00:05:12,033 --> 00:05:14,603 YOU BE LIKE "HOW YOU KNOW? CALL THE POLICE." 85 00:05:14,600 --> 00:05:16,770 WHITE PEOPLE DONE GO HOME, GARAGE DOOR OPEN, 86 00:05:16,767 --> 00:05:18,527 THE KITCHEN DOOR STANDING WIDE OPEN. 87 00:05:18,533 --> 00:05:20,433 THEY SITTIN' IN THE CAR TRYING TO GUESS, 88 00:05:20,433 --> 00:05:23,173 ( prissy voice ) "I WONDER WHO LEFT THAT DOOR OPEN?" 89 00:05:23,166 --> 00:05:26,966 THEY WALK IN, THE BROTHER BEHIND THE DOOR, "I LEFT IT OPEN. LAY DOWN!" 90 00:05:26,967 --> 00:05:29,197 ( prissy ) "OH, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!" 91 00:05:29,200 --> 00:05:30,900 AND SEE, WHITE PEOPLE ALWAYS SAY 92 00:05:30,900 --> 00:05:32,600 "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD." 93 00:05:32,600 --> 00:05:35,530 BUT BLACK PEOPLE SAY "JESUS." 94 00:05:35,533 --> 00:05:38,733 BECAUSE THERE'S POWER IN THE NAME OF JESUS. 95 00:05:43,300 --> 00:05:47,300 YOU THINK I'M LYIN'? YOU CAN LEAVE HERE TODAY, YOUR CAR START SLIDIN'-- 96 00:05:47,300 --> 00:05:50,030 ( screeching noise) SAY "JESUS!"-- CAR STRAIGHTEN UP. 97 00:05:50,033 --> 00:05:53,103 WHITE PEOPLE, YOUR CAR START SLIDIN'-- ( screeching noise ) 98 00:05:53,100 --> 00:05:55,270 "FOR THE LOVE OF--" BOOM! 99 00:05:57,967 --> 00:05:59,827 KNOCK THE WALL DOWN. 100 00:05:59,834 --> 00:06:02,204 SO START USING "JESUS." IT'LL WORK. 101 00:06:02,200 --> 00:06:04,130 I LIKE TO GO TO CHURCH WITH WHITE PEOPLE. 102 00:06:04,133 --> 00:06:06,273 I GOT WHITE FRIENDS. I GO TO CHURCH WITH 'EM. 103 00:06:06,266 --> 00:06:08,226 I WENT TO CHURCH WITH A WHITE FRIEND OF MINE. 104 00:06:08,233 --> 00:06:11,473 WE GOT THERE AT 10:30, 11:47 WE WALKIN' OUT. 105 00:06:11,467 --> 00:06:14,327 I SAID "MAN, I'M COMING BACK NEXT SUNDAY." 106 00:06:14,333 --> 00:06:17,133 WE GOT THERE 10:30, PREACHER DONE LIT SOME CANDLES... 107 00:06:17,133 --> 00:06:20,473 ( vocalizing ) 108 00:06:20,467 --> 00:06:22,397 READ A SCRIPTURE, TOOK UP AN OFFERING, BAM! 109 00:06:22,400 --> 00:06:24,300 11:47 WE RIDING DOWN THE HIGHWAY. 110 00:06:24,300 --> 00:06:26,870 MAN, I WENT TO CHURCH WITH MY AUNT-- 111 00:06:26,867 --> 00:06:29,567 PREACHER DIDN'T GET UP TILL 12:30. 112 00:06:29,567 --> 00:06:32,227 WE DIDN'T LEAVE THERE TILL FRIDAY EVENING ABOUT 4:00. 113 00:06:32,233 --> 00:06:33,933 HE WAS STILL PREACHING: 114 00:06:33,934 --> 00:06:36,404 "YOU DON'T KNOW LIKE I KNOW." 115 00:06:36,400 --> 00:06:39,630 I'M LIKE "I KNOW IT TIME TO GO! 116 00:06:39,633 --> 00:06:41,973 I DONE LOST MY JOB AND EVERYTHING! 117 00:06:41,967 --> 00:06:44,327 WE BEEN HERE SINCE SUNDAY!" 118 00:06:44,333 --> 00:06:47,003 HE STILL PREACHING. ( singing ) 119 00:06:48,467 --> 00:06:51,527 I BET GOD BE LIKE "SHUT UP!" 120 00:06:56,734 --> 00:06:59,574 ONE THING WE GOTTA START DOING, BLACK MEN, YOU GOTTA REMEMBER THIS. 121 00:06:59,567 --> 00:07:01,527 ONE THING WE GOTTA START DOING 'CAUSE... 122 00:07:01,533 --> 00:07:03,133 I'M TELLING YOU, WHITE GUYS DO IT. 123 00:07:03,133 --> 00:07:05,433 WE HAVE GOT TO START GOING FOR A YEARLY PHYSICAL. 124 00:07:05,433 --> 00:07:07,303 - BLACK MEN. - Woman: THAT'S RIGHT! 125 00:07:07,300 --> 00:07:09,730 I'M TELLING YOU. 126 00:07:09,734 --> 00:07:11,734 I'M TELLING YOU! I GOT WHITE FRIENDS GO, 127 00:07:11,734 --> 00:07:13,674 LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, THEY GO-- 128 00:07:13,667 --> 00:07:17,197 IF THERE'S A PROBLEM, THEY GONNA SIT RIGHT THERE TILL THEY FIND OUT HOW TO FIX IT. 129 00:07:17,200 --> 00:07:20,670 BLACK PEOPLE DON'T GO TILL THEY DAMN NEAR SEE THE LIGHT. 130 00:07:20,667 --> 00:07:23,397 JESUS GOTTA COME SIT ON THE BED WITH 'EM. 131 00:07:23,400 --> 00:07:26,100 "YEAH, I BELIEVE I NEED TO GO ON TO THE DOCTOR." 132 00:07:26,100 --> 00:07:28,870 BUT YOU KNOW, I BEEN TAKING 'EM PRETTY REGULARLY HERE 133 00:07:28,867 --> 00:07:30,527 ABOUT THE LAST SIX, SEVEN YEARS, 134 00:07:30,533 --> 00:07:32,073 AND IT'S NOT THAT BAD. 135 00:07:32,066 --> 00:07:34,466 BUT I GOT A FEMALE DOCTOR. SHE REAL COOL, YOU KNOW? 136 00:07:34,467 --> 00:07:36,197 SO WE KINDA TALK ABOUT EVERYTHING. 137 00:07:36,200 --> 00:07:38,530 UNTIL THIS LAST TIME... 138 00:07:38,533 --> 00:07:40,973 SHE WANTED TO CHECK ME FOR PROSTATE. 139 00:07:40,967 --> 00:07:43,367 AND I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? 140 00:07:43,367 --> 00:07:45,527 SO SHE SAID "I NEED TO CHECK YOU FOR PROSTATE." 141 00:07:45,533 --> 00:07:47,403 I JUST SAT ON THE BED AND SHIT. 142 00:07:51,133 --> 00:07:52,703 SHE SAID "NAH, I CAN'T GO IN YOUR EAR." 143 00:07:52,700 --> 00:07:55,370 I SAID "WHERE YOU GOING?" SHE SAID "I GOTTA GO IN THAT ASS." 144 00:07:55,367 --> 00:07:57,067 I SAID "YOU BULLSHITTIN'." 145 00:07:57,066 --> 00:08:00,626 HERE I AM, BIG OLD BIG BROTHER LAYING ON A TWIN-SIZE BED. 146 00:08:00,633 --> 00:08:02,303 BUH-- 147 00:08:05,200 --> 00:08:06,830 BOY, SHE PUT HER FINGER IN MY ASS, 148 00:08:06,834 --> 00:08:09,604 IT FELT LIKE A WHOLE TREE. I SAID "OH!" 149 00:08:09,600 --> 00:08:12,330 MATTER OF FACT, I THINK I WENT BLIND FOR 30 SECONDS. 150 00:08:12,333 --> 00:08:14,973 SHE SAID "BRUCE, YOU ALL RIGHT?" I SAID "I CAN'T SEE SHIT." 151 00:08:14,967 --> 00:08:18,067 SHE SAID "I'MA GO UP TO THE LEFT." I SAID "I DON'T CARE WHERE YOU GO, 152 00:08:18,066 --> 00:08:20,596 BUT YOU GOTTA COME OUT OF THERE!" 153 00:08:20,600 --> 00:08:23,930 THEN I SAID, "I GET IT." I CAUGHT MYSELF WIPING ALL THAT GEL OUT MY ASS. 154 00:08:23,934 --> 00:08:27,104 YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? I DIDN'T GET IT OUT, I'M AT THE DESK... 155 00:08:27,100 --> 00:08:30,430 TRYING TO GET MY RECEIPT, ASS LOOSE AS A MOTHERFUCKER. 156 00:08:30,433 --> 00:08:33,533 "BRUCE, YOU ALL RIGHT?" "SOMETHING WRONG WITH MY ASS. 157 00:08:33,533 --> 00:08:35,103 I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON. 158 00:08:35,100 --> 00:08:37,530 WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY ASS? IT'S LOOSE AS A MOTHERFUCKER." 159 00:08:37,533 --> 00:08:41,203 I GO GET IN THE CAR, I CRANK THE CAR UP, I JUST SLID DOWN... 160 00:08:42,433 --> 00:08:45,373 I'M HOLDING ONTO THE STEERING WHEEL. 161 00:08:45,367 --> 00:08:47,527 I'M BRUCE BRUCE, THANK YOU. 162 00:08:47,533 --> 00:08:50,033 ( hip-hop music playing ) 163 00:08:59,400 --> 00:09:02,170 BRUCE BRUCE, Y'ALL. COME ON, SHOW HIM SOME LOVE. 164 00:09:02,166 --> 00:09:04,566 ( cheering loudly ) 165 00:09:07,900 --> 00:09:10,570 YEAH, HOW Y'ALL FEEL? 166 00:09:10,567 --> 00:09:14,267 WHAT Y'ALL ON? WHAT Y'ALL BEEN SMOKING ON BEFORE Y'ALL CAME IN HERE? 167 00:09:14,266 --> 00:09:15,866 WHAT Y'ALL BEEN DRINKIN'? 168 00:09:15,867 --> 00:09:18,227 THIS NIGGA HAD THE JOHNNY WALKER RIGHT HERE. 169 00:09:18,233 --> 00:09:20,633 WHAT'S HAPPENIN'? WESLEY SNIPES IN THE HOUSE! 170 00:09:23,900 --> 00:09:27,270 THAT'S A OLD PLAYER RIGHT THERE, A OLD PLAYER. 171 00:09:27,266 --> 00:09:29,766 THAT BLACK NIGGA DIDN'T EVEN PAY TO GET IN THE CLUB. 172 00:09:29,767 --> 00:09:31,567 HE PROBABLY CLOSED HIS MOUTH AND EYES. 173 00:09:31,567 --> 00:09:33,967 SNUCK-- "MMM, I'M IN THE CLUB, BET THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW." 174 00:09:38,000 --> 00:09:40,200 I LOVE YOU, MAN! I LOVE YOU! 175 00:09:41,266 --> 00:09:43,026 THAT'S MY NIGGA RIGHT THERE! 176 00:09:43,033 --> 00:09:45,373 Y'ALL READY TO HAVE SOME MORE FUN? 177 00:09:45,367 --> 00:09:49,067 - Audience: YEAH! - LET'S DO IT! LET'S DO IT! LET'S DO IT! LET'S DO IT! 178 00:09:50,600 --> 00:09:52,470 COMING TO THE STAGE, Y'ALL GONNA LOVE HIM. 179 00:09:52,467 --> 00:09:54,967 STRAIGHT OUTTA CHI-TOWN. PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER 180 00:09:54,967 --> 00:09:56,427 FOR DeRAY! 181 00:09:56,433 --> 00:09:59,733 - ( hip-hop music playing ) - ( cheering, applauding ) 182 00:10:08,066 --> 00:10:10,666 YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH. 183 00:10:10,667 --> 00:10:14,267 YEAH YEAH, THAT-- YEAH. 184 00:10:17,467 --> 00:10:19,627 - WHAT UP, CAPRI! - Kid Capri: WHAT'S UP, BABY! 185 00:10:19,633 --> 00:10:22,503 Y'ALL SEE THAT LIGHT-SKIN SHIT HAPPENING? 186 00:10:22,500 --> 00:10:25,770 LIGHT-SKIN THUGS, NIGGA, Y'ALL DON'T KNOW WHAT I ALMOST DO, NIGGAS. 187 00:10:29,433 --> 00:10:32,703 YEAH, I GOT PROBLEMS. I'M GLAD THEY LET ME TALK ON THIS MOTHERFUCKER. 188 00:10:32,700 --> 00:10:35,030 I GOT SOME ISSUES. 189 00:10:35,033 --> 00:10:37,203 WHY ALL THE WOMEN HATE ALL THE BROKE-ASS NIGGAS? 190 00:10:37,200 --> 00:10:39,430 ALL THE WOMEN SICK OF BROKE NIGGAS, MAKE SOME NOISE. 191 00:10:39,433 --> 00:10:42,433 - ( cheering ) - YEAH. YEAH YEAH. YEAH, FUCK Y'ALL. 192 00:10:44,567 --> 00:10:47,597 I'M SICK OF Y'ALL SHIT. WHAT A BROKE NIGGA SUPPOSED TO DO NOW? 193 00:10:48,967 --> 00:10:51,497 FUCKIN'-- HOW YOU HATE ME, BITCH? I HATE ME. 194 00:10:53,834 --> 00:10:56,234 ( laughs ) 195 00:10:58,700 --> 00:11:00,300 SHIT, MY NIGGAS BETTER GET LIKE ME. 196 00:11:00,300 --> 00:11:03,000 THEY'LL TAKE-- SHIT, I'LL TAKE WOMEN SHIT-SHOPPING. 197 00:11:04,100 --> 00:11:05,770 YOU EVER TAKE A BITCH SHIT-SHOPPING? 198 00:11:05,767 --> 00:11:07,427 NO? YOU WALK IN THE MALLS, 199 00:11:07,433 --> 00:11:10,203 SHE BE LIKE "CAN I HAVE THAT?" "SHIT." 200 00:11:12,367 --> 00:11:14,897 "WHAT ABOUT THAT?" "SHIT." 201 00:11:16,266 --> 00:11:17,966 THAT'S NOTHING. 202 00:11:17,967 --> 00:11:20,927 AND IT'S ALWAYS A BLACK WOMAN WHO'LL BE GETTING ON US AND SHIT. 203 00:11:20,934 --> 00:11:23,134 "YOU AIN'T GOT SHIT, NIGGA! YOU AIN'T HAVE SHIT!" 204 00:11:23,133 --> 00:11:24,903 ( grunting ) 205 00:11:26,200 --> 00:11:28,330 YEAH, Y'ALL TIRED-- I'M SICK OF SEEING... 206 00:11:28,333 --> 00:11:31,503 WHITE WOMEN WITH BLACK NIGGAS. Y'ALL GONNA KEEP HEARIN' THAT SHIT. 207 00:11:31,500 --> 00:11:33,300 YOU KNOW WHY? YOU KNOW WHY? 208 00:11:33,300 --> 00:11:35,530 YOU KNOW WHY MOTHERFUCKERS DATE WHITE WOMEN? 209 00:11:35,533 --> 00:11:38,733 BECAUSE WHITE WOMEN DON'T QUESTION YO ASS. THEY DON'T. 210 00:11:38,734 --> 00:11:41,534 WHITE WOMEN ASK YOU ONE FUCKING TIME AND ALL YOU GOTTA DO 211 00:11:41,533 --> 00:11:44,603 IS END IT WITH A CURSE WORD AND SHE WON'T ASK YOU AGAIN. 212 00:11:44,600 --> 00:11:47,070 "WHERE WERE YOU AT?" "I WAS AT TOM'S HOUSE, FUCK!" 213 00:11:47,066 --> 00:11:49,396 "OKAY, I'M SORRY." 214 00:11:51,166 --> 00:11:54,496 "GO BACK TO TOM. IF THAT'S WHERE YOUR HAPPINESS LIES, GO TO TOM." 215 00:11:55,467 --> 00:11:57,227 NOT BLACK WOMEN. HELLO, NO. 216 00:11:57,233 --> 00:11:58,733 Y'ALL MOTHERFUCKER BE-- 217 00:11:58,734 --> 00:12:01,634 THEY BREAK OUT THE MOTHERFUCKIN' POLICE LIGHT AND SHIT. 218 00:12:02,734 --> 00:12:04,634 THEY ASK YOU 100 FUCKING TIMES. 219 00:12:04,633 --> 00:12:06,273 "SO YOU WAS AT TOM'S HOUSE?" 220 00:12:06,266 --> 00:12:09,366 "I WAS AT TOM'S HOUSE." "SO YOU WAS AT TOM'S HOUSE?" 221 00:12:09,367 --> 00:12:10,997 "I WAS AT TOM'S HOUSE." 222 00:12:11,000 --> 00:12:14,570 "SO YOU TRYING TO TELL ME RIGHT NOW TO MY FACE... 223 00:12:14,567 --> 00:12:18,467 IF I CALL TOM RIGHT NOW, TOM GONNA ANSWER THE PHONE--" 224 00:12:18,467 --> 00:12:20,027 "BITCH I'M SICK OF THIS SHIT!" 225 00:12:20,033 --> 00:12:21,973 "OH! OH! WHY YOU MAD? 226 00:12:21,967 --> 00:12:24,797 THE TRUTH AIN'T ANGRY. THE TRUTH AIN'T NEVER ANGRY." 227 00:12:27,767 --> 00:12:30,527 RELATION-- THIS-- RELATIONSHIPS ARE JUST FUCKED UP, MAN. 228 00:12:30,533 --> 00:12:33,333 WE CAN'T GET IN 'EM. WE CAN'T GET OUT OF THE MOTHERFUCKERS. 229 00:12:33,333 --> 00:12:36,903 DON'T NOBODY WANNA BREAK UP. DON'T ANY MOTHERFUCKER WANNA LEAVE NOBODY. 230 00:12:36,900 --> 00:12:40,070 ALL THESE JEALOUS-ASS NIGGAS. LADIES, YOU EVER DATE A JEALOUS NIGGA? 231 00:12:40,066 --> 00:12:43,396 - ( cheering ) - NO, I MEAN THAT CRAZY-ASS JEALOUS NIGGA. 232 00:12:43,400 --> 00:12:45,630 THAT CR-- I MEAN, THAT NIGGA SHOW UP TO YO JOB 233 00:12:45,633 --> 00:12:47,633 IN FLIP-FLOPS, SOME SWIM TRUNKS... 234 00:12:47,633 --> 00:12:51,803 MOTHERFUCKING TANK-TOP BITCH. "WHO UP HERE LIKE YOU, BITCH? WHICH ONE?" 235 00:12:56,266 --> 00:12:58,626 SOME NIGGAS BE CRAZY-JEALOUS. 236 00:12:58,633 --> 00:13:00,933 THAT NIGGA DON'T WANT YOU LOOKING AT NO OTHER MAN. 237 00:13:00,934 --> 00:13:02,904 "WHO IS THAT PICTURE ON THE WALL, BITCH?" 238 00:13:02,900 --> 00:13:05,430 "THAT'S JESUS." "TAKE IT DOWN! 239 00:13:09,834 --> 00:13:12,774 I GOTTA WALK ON WATER TO GET LOVE AROUND THIS MOTHERFUCKER?" 240 00:13:17,867 --> 00:13:21,297 I GOT IT. I KNOW WE CRAZY. BUT WOMEN, WHEN Y'ALL MOTHERFUCKERS GET MAD, 241 00:13:21,300 --> 00:13:23,670 Y'ALL THE CRAZIEST MOTHERFUCKERS ON EARTH. 242 00:13:23,667 --> 00:13:26,267 THE ONE THING YOU DON'T WANNA SEE IS A WOMAN SO MAD 243 00:13:26,266 --> 00:13:28,126 THAT SHE'S SMILIN'. 244 00:13:28,133 --> 00:13:30,173 SOMETHING WRONG WITH THAT BITCH. 245 00:13:30,166 --> 00:13:33,166 WHEN SHE LIKE "OH, IT'S LIKE THAT? WELL, LEAVE, NIGGA, LEAVE. 246 00:13:33,166 --> 00:13:35,096 OOH! YES! LEAVE, MOTHERFUCKER. 247 00:13:35,100 --> 00:13:37,570 LEAVE, MOTHERFUCKER! YES YES! 248 00:13:37,567 --> 00:13:39,497 LEAVE!" "BITCH, WHY ARE YOU SMILIN'? 249 00:13:39,500 --> 00:13:41,230 WHY YOU SMILIN'?" 250 00:13:41,233 --> 00:13:43,203 "LEAVE, MOTHERFUCKER! LEAVE!" 251 00:13:44,400 --> 00:13:46,730 BITCH ABOUT TO KILL ME IN MY SLEEP. 252 00:13:46,734 --> 00:13:49,174 THAT'S HOW YOU KNOW YOUR WOMAN REAL MAD. 253 00:13:49,166 --> 00:13:51,666 IF YOU WANT TO FIND OUT IF YOUR WOMAN REAL MAD, SNEEZE. 254 00:13:51,667 --> 00:13:54,497 SNEEZE, 'CAUSE YOUR WOMAN, WHO LOVES YOU, 255 00:13:54,500 --> 00:13:56,270 CAN HEAR YOU SNEEZE A MILE AWAY. 256 00:13:56,266 --> 00:13:59,966 SHE COULD BE DOWNSTAIRS, YOU SNEEZE-- ( sneezes ) SHE'LL BE "BLESS YOU!" 257 00:13:59,967 --> 00:14:03,527 WHEN YOUR WOMAN MAD, YOU BE STANDING NEXT TO HER-- RIGHT NEXT TO HER, JUST SNEEZE. 258 00:14:03,533 --> 00:14:05,903 ( sneezes ) THEN IT'S GONNA BE LIKE "HMM, NIGGA. 259 00:14:05,900 --> 00:14:09,830 SNEEZE, NIGGA. GO ON, SNEEZE OUT ALL THEM LIES, MOTHERFUCKER. 260 00:14:09,834 --> 00:14:12,204 YOU ALLERGIC TO BITCHES IS WHAT IT IS." 261 00:14:15,500 --> 00:14:17,570 YOU CAN'T-- YOU CAN'T BE OUT WITH YOUR WOMAN 262 00:14:17,567 --> 00:14:20,527 IF YOU A JEALOUS MOTHERFUCKER, 'CAUSE WOMEN KNOW HOW TO ACT, DAWG. TELL THE TRUTH. 263 00:14:20,533 --> 00:14:22,873 YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO ACT IF YOU A JEALOUS MOTHERFUCKER. 264 00:14:22,867 --> 00:14:25,227 WOMEN HAVE BEEN OUT WITH YO ASS BEFORE 'CAUSE WOMEN ARE SMARTER. 265 00:14:25,233 --> 00:14:27,533 WOMEN KNOW HOW TO PICK THE WOMAN THAT YOU WILL FUCK WITH. 266 00:14:27,533 --> 00:14:29,903 IF A WOMAN SEES A WOMAN IN A CLUB 267 00:14:29,900 --> 00:14:33,270 THAT YOU WILL FUCK WITH, SHE WILL TELL YOU. WOMEN ARE UPFRONT WITH THAT SHIT. 268 00:14:33,266 --> 00:14:36,066 THEY BE LIKE, "LOOK AT THAT BITCH. 269 00:14:36,066 --> 00:14:38,666 YOU WOULD FUCK WITH THAT BITCH IF I WASN'T HERE. 270 00:14:38,667 --> 00:14:41,697 YES, YOU WOULD." 271 00:14:41,700 --> 00:14:44,170 THEN THEY ASK YOU, "WOULD YOU FUCK WITH HER?" 272 00:14:44,166 --> 00:14:46,766 NIGGA'S DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY, "I, UH..." 273 00:14:48,333 --> 00:14:50,673 'CAUSE WOMEN CAN SAY, "SHE LOOK GOOD. LOOK AT HER ASS." 274 00:14:50,667 --> 00:14:53,267 WOMEN CAN SAY THAT SHIT. MEN, OUR EGOS DON'T LET US DO THAT SHIT. 275 00:14:53,266 --> 00:14:55,266 YOU DON'T WANT YOUR WOMAN FUCKING WITH NO NIGGA. 276 00:14:55,266 --> 00:14:57,296 YOU DON'T WANT TO THINK NO NIGGA BETTER THAN YOU. 277 00:14:57,300 --> 00:15:00,170 WE CAN'T SAY ANOTHER NIGGA WALKED IN THE CLUB AND HE LOOKED GOOD. 278 00:15:00,166 --> 00:15:02,026 WE SAY THAT SHIT SUBLIMINALLY, DON'T WE? 279 00:15:02,033 --> 00:15:05,103 A NIGGA WALK IN THE CLUB YOU THINK HE DOING A LITTLE SOMETHING WITH HIS LIFE, 280 00:15:05,100 --> 00:15:08,030 YOU SAY SHIT LIKE THIS TO YOUR WOMAN, "HEY, THERE GOES YOUR BOY. 281 00:15:08,033 --> 00:15:10,373 THERE GOES YOUR BOY. 282 00:15:10,367 --> 00:15:12,597 THERE GOES YOUR NIGGA. 283 00:15:12,600 --> 00:15:15,670 NO, THAT'S YOUR BOY RIGHT THERE." 284 00:15:18,667 --> 00:15:20,767 AND I'M SICK OF ALL THIS CHEAT SHIT. 285 00:15:20,767 --> 00:15:23,327 WOMEN ARE ALWAYS, "I CAUGHT YOU CHEATING." 286 00:15:23,333 --> 00:15:25,703 WOMEN LOVE TO GO THROUGH YOUR SHIT. STAY THE FUCK OUT OF OUR SHIT. 287 00:15:25,700 --> 00:15:28,970 IF YOU DON'T WANT TO FIND NOTHING, STAY OUT OF YOUR NIGGA'S SHIT. 288 00:15:28,967 --> 00:15:33,627 YOU SEARCHING FOR YOUR OWN DEMISE, BITCH. 289 00:15:33,633 --> 00:15:35,573 STAY OUT OF YOUR NIGGA'S SHIT. WOMEN LOVE TO-- 290 00:15:35,567 --> 00:15:37,967 "WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?" "WOMEN LOVE TO FIND PHONE NUMBERS. 291 00:15:37,967 --> 00:15:40,527 "WHOSE PHONE NUMBER IS THIS? WHOSE PHONE NUMBER IS THIS, NIGGA?" 292 00:15:40,533 --> 00:15:43,003 WOMEN FIND PHONE NUMBERS, HOLD THEM UP TO THE LIGHT LIKE IT'S GOLD. 293 00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:45,070 "WHO THE FUCK'S PHONE NUMBER IS THIS?" 294 00:15:45,066 --> 00:15:47,466 NIGGAS, YOU GOT TO MAKE YOUR WOMAN FEEL FUCKED UP. 295 00:15:47,467 --> 00:15:50,897 DeRAY YOUR HOUSE, NIGGA. THAT'S WHAT THE FUCK I DO. 296 00:15:50,900 --> 00:15:53,370 I COME IN THE HOUSE, I'LL JUST LAY A PHONE NUMBER DOWN. 297 00:15:53,367 --> 00:15:56,627 SHE CALL THE MOTHERFUCKER, IT'D BE ME. "BITCH, YOU GOING THROUGH MY SHIT?" 298 00:15:56,633 --> 00:15:58,473 NEVER KNOW WHO THE FUCK YOU CALLING. 299 00:15:58,467 --> 00:16:01,167 HEY, Y'ALL, I'M DeRAY. Y'ALL MOTHERFUCKERS KEEP LAUGHING. 300 00:16:11,867 --> 00:16:14,867 KEEP THIS PARTY TRAIN ROLLING. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? 301 00:16:14,867 --> 00:16:17,997 THIS NEXT BROTHER COMING TO THE STAGE, WHAT CAN I SAY ABOUT HIM, MAN? 302 00:16:18,000 --> 00:16:20,170 HE PAVED THE WAY FOR A LOT OF US. 303 00:16:20,166 --> 00:16:22,126 HE'S A LEGEND OUT HERE IN THE GAME. 304 00:16:22,133 --> 00:16:24,073 STRAIGHT OUT OF LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA, 305 00:16:24,066 --> 00:16:26,296 GIVE IT UP FOR ONE OF THE KINGS OF COMEDY, 306 00:16:26,300 --> 00:16:28,170 D.L. HUGHLEY. 307 00:16:39,867 --> 00:16:41,897 HOW Y'ALL DOING? 308 00:16:42,834 --> 00:16:44,334 WHAT'S UP? 309 00:16:44,333 --> 00:16:47,733 WHAT'S UP, KID? YOU LOOK GOOD, MAN. 310 00:16:47,734 --> 00:16:51,604 IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE WE DID THIS SHIT HERE, BOY. 311 00:16:51,600 --> 00:16:55,800 I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, SOME THINGS CHANGE, SOME THINGS STAY THE SAME. 312 00:16:55,800 --> 00:16:57,370 NOW THEY WANT TO BUILD A WALL 313 00:16:57,367 --> 00:16:59,927 TO KEEP THE MEXICANS OUT OF UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. 314 00:16:59,934 --> 00:17:02,404 I'M LIKE, "WHO'S GONNA BUILD THE MOTHERFUCKER?" 315 00:17:04,834 --> 00:17:07,604 I KNOW WE AIN'T DOING IT. FUCK THAT SHIT. 316 00:17:07,600 --> 00:17:11,070 YOU KNOW WHITE PEOPLE AIN'T WORKING OUT IN THE SUN THAT GODDAMN LONG. 317 00:17:11,066 --> 00:17:13,896 HOW MANY MORE BRICKS DO WE HAVE TO GO? JESUS! 318 00:17:13,900 --> 00:17:17,530 JOSE, HELP ME WITH THE WALL, PLEASE. 319 00:17:17,533 --> 00:17:20,373 AS LONG AS YOU'RE ON THE OTHER SIDE WHEN WE FINISH NO ONE'LL CARE. 320 00:17:20,367 --> 00:17:22,427 PLEASE, JESUS. 321 00:17:23,734 --> 00:17:25,604 THE MEXICANS ARE TAKING ALL THE GOOD JOBS. 322 00:17:25,600 --> 00:17:28,230 LIKE WHITE PEOPLE ARE GONNA PICK FRUIT? AIN'T THAT A BITCH? 323 00:17:28,233 --> 00:17:31,673 YOU CAN'T GET A WHITE DUDE TO HAND YOU AN ORANGE AT THE GROCERY STORE. 324 00:17:31,667 --> 00:17:34,497 "PARDON, HAND ME THAT ORANGE." "OH, I-I-- NO NO. 325 00:17:34,500 --> 00:17:38,370 JOSE, HAND HIM THE ORANGE, PLEASE." 326 00:17:38,367 --> 00:17:41,397 IT'S FUCKED UP 'CAUSE EVERYBODY IN THIS MOTHERFUCKER TOOK A BOAT. 327 00:17:41,400 --> 00:17:45,070 EVERYBODY. BLACK PEOPLE-- THE ONLY PEOPLE THAT WAS HERE WAS MEXICANS AND INDIANS. 328 00:17:45,066 --> 00:17:47,326 AND NOW THEY GOT A RULE THAT SAY IF CUBANS LEAVE CUBA 329 00:17:47,333 --> 00:17:49,873 AND MAKE IT TO THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, THEY GET TO STAY. 330 00:17:49,867 --> 00:17:53,667 SO IF I WAS A MEXICAN, I'D FLOAT OVER TO CUBA AND RIDE BACK WITH THEM MOTHERFUCKERS. 331 00:17:56,367 --> 00:17:59,597 "ARE YOU CUBAN?" "SI." 332 00:17:59,600 --> 00:18:02,500 "ARE YOU SURE?" "SI." 333 00:18:04,700 --> 00:18:06,870 I'M GLAD MICHAEL JACKSON DIDN'T GO TO JAIL. 334 00:18:06,867 --> 00:18:09,597 THAT'S ONE MOTHERFUCKER AIN'T CUT OUT FOR THE PENITENTIARY. 335 00:18:09,600 --> 00:18:12,830 THEY'D HAVE BEEN PASSING THAT MOTHERFUCKER AROUND LIKE A JOINT. 336 00:18:12,834 --> 00:18:16,534 "WOULD YOU LIKE A HIT OF THE KING OF POP?" "WHY, YES I WOULD LIKE." 337 00:18:16,533 --> 00:18:20,773 I FEEL BAD FOR THE COURTROOM ARTIST 'CAUSE THAT BITCH HAD TO DRAW MICHAEL JACKSON. 338 00:18:20,767 --> 00:18:24,427 THAT CAN'T BE EASY 'CAUSE HIS COLOR AIN'T EVEN IN THE CRAYON BOX. 339 00:18:27,266 --> 00:18:29,996 YOU GOT TO MIX SOME SHIT UP TO DRAW MICHAEL JACKSON. 340 00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:32,800 "I'M GONNA NEED SOME PEACH AND SOME YELLOW." 341 00:18:37,500 --> 00:18:39,630 AND 2005 WAS THE YEAR OF THE MISSING WHITE WOMAN: 342 00:18:39,633 --> 00:18:42,633 YOU COULDN'T TURN ON THE NEWS WITHOUT A WHITE WOMAN BEING MISSING. 343 00:18:42,633 --> 00:18:46,903 "ANOTHER MISSING WHITE WOMAN. WE GO LIVE TO BED, BATH & BEYOND." 344 00:18:46,900 --> 00:18:49,070 THAT WHITE WOMAN CAME UP MISSING IN ARUBA, 345 00:18:49,066 --> 00:18:51,466 THEY ARRESTED EVERY NIGGA ON THE ISLAND, DIDN'T THEY? 346 00:18:51,467 --> 00:18:54,627 "WE KNOW YOU KNOW SOMETHING, YOU BLACK SON OF A BITCH. TELL US!" 347 00:18:54,633 --> 00:18:56,973 I'M NOT BULLSHITTING. THE FIRST MISSING WHITE WOMAN 348 00:18:56,967 --> 00:18:58,827 WAS A RUNAWAY BRIDE DOWN IN GEORGIA. 349 00:18:58,834 --> 00:19:01,904 THIS BITCH HAD THE BIGGEST EYES I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY WHOLE FUCKING LIFE. 350 00:19:01,900 --> 00:19:04,070 YOU CAN'T KIDNAP A WOMAN WITH EYES THAT BIG. 351 00:19:04,066 --> 00:19:07,966 SHE DONE SEE YOU COMING. "YOU'RE TRYING TO KIDNAP ME, HUH?" 352 00:19:07,967 --> 00:19:12,027 "I WAS, BUT YOU SAW US NOW SO FUCK IT." 353 00:19:12,033 --> 00:19:14,933 I READ ABOUT THIS ONE WHITE WOMAN WHO BROKE HER BLACK HUSBAND OUT 354 00:19:14,934 --> 00:19:18,004 OF THE PENITENTIARY IN TENNESSEE. THAT'S THE KIND OF WOMAN I NEED. 355 00:19:18,000 --> 00:19:21,070 I'M GONNA GET ME A WHITE WOMAN. FUCK Y'ALL. 356 00:19:21,066 --> 00:19:25,126 YOU CAN'T GET SISTER TO PICK YOU UP FROM THE AIRPORT, HUH? 357 00:19:25,133 --> 00:19:27,933 "I'M GONNA DRIVE AROUND TWO TIMES. 358 00:19:27,934 --> 00:19:31,274 IF YOUR ASS AIN'T OUT, I GOT TO GO. FUCK THAT SHIT. 359 00:19:31,266 --> 00:19:34,796 I GOT A NAIL APPOINTMENT. I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU THINK YOU FUCKING WITH. 360 00:19:34,800 --> 00:19:36,770 THIS IS SOME BULLSHIT." 361 00:19:38,633 --> 00:19:40,733 AND I'M SO TIRED-- YOU KNOW I JUST READ RECENTLY 362 00:19:40,734 --> 00:19:42,574 WHERE THERE'S AN INCREASE IN BEAR ATTACKS. 363 00:19:42,567 --> 00:19:44,427 SEE, BLACK PEOPLE DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT SHIT 364 00:19:44,433 --> 00:19:46,903 'CAUSE TO GET ATTACKED BY A BEAR YOU GOT TO GO TO THE WOODS 365 00:19:46,900 --> 00:19:48,830 AND WE AIN'T GOING TO THE WOODS. 366 00:19:48,834 --> 00:19:51,534 BROTHER WON'T EVEN GO TO THE WOODS TO GET AWAY FROM THE POLICE. 367 00:19:51,533 --> 00:19:53,803 "FUCK, THE POLICE." "I KNOW, THEN GO TO THE WOODS." 368 00:19:53,800 --> 00:19:56,430 "OFFICER! OFFICER!" 369 00:19:56,433 --> 00:20:01,073 A BEAR WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE FUCK WE WAS. "WHAT IS THAT?" 370 00:20:01,066 --> 00:20:03,726 "I DON'T KNOW, BUT IT SURE IS FAST. 371 00:20:03,734 --> 00:20:05,774 LET'S GET OUT OF THE WOODS. 372 00:20:05,767 --> 00:20:08,297 DICK CHENEY MIGHT BE HUNTING IN THIS MOTHERFUCKER." 373 00:20:08,300 --> 00:20:11,230 DICK CHENEY SHOT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT MOTHERFUCKER, DIDN'T HE? 374 00:20:11,233 --> 00:20:13,703 YOU KNOW IT'S A ROUGH-ASS WORLD WHEN THE VICE PRESIDENT 375 00:20:13,700 --> 00:20:16,670 IS DOING A DRIVE-BY. AIN'T THAT A BITCH? 376 00:20:16,667 --> 00:20:19,427 HE SHOT THAT MOTHERFUCKER SO GOOD THE VICTIM GOT UP AND APOLOGIZED. 377 00:20:19,433 --> 00:20:22,333 "I'M SORRY. IT WAS MY FAULT. 378 00:20:22,333 --> 00:20:24,573 I SHOULD'VE WATCHED WHERE HE WAS SHOOTING." 379 00:20:24,567 --> 00:20:26,997 I READ ABOUT THIS ONE BROTHER, BRIAN NICHOLS IN ATLANTA, 380 00:20:27,000 --> 00:20:29,500 BROKE OUT OF JAIL, KILLED THE BAILIFF, KILLED THE JUDGE, 381 00:20:29,500 --> 00:20:31,300 WENT TO A WHITE LADY'S HOUSE, ASHLEY SMITH, 382 00:20:31,300 --> 00:20:33,670 AND SHE HAD THE COMMON SENSE TO MAKE HIM PANCAKES. 383 00:20:33,667 --> 00:20:36,767 'CAUSE DON'T NOTHING CALM DOWN A NIGGA ON A KILLING SPREE 384 00:20:36,767 --> 00:20:39,897 LIKE A DELICIOUS STACK OF PANCAKES. 385 00:20:39,900 --> 00:20:43,030 "I'M SO FULL I CAN'T KILL ANOTHER MOTHERFUCKER. 386 00:20:47,066 --> 00:20:49,866 WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THESE PANCAKES?" 387 00:20:49,867 --> 00:20:52,067 IT'S SOMETHING ELSE, MAN. I'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR 20 YEARS. 388 00:20:52,066 --> 00:20:54,996 KNOW WHAT I REALIZED? WHEN YOU'RE A MAN AND MARRIED, YOU GOT TO GIVE SOME SHIT UP. 389 00:20:55,000 --> 00:20:56,570 THAT'S WHAT MAKES A RELATIONSHIP WORK. 390 00:20:56,567 --> 00:20:58,627 YOU CAN'T BE THE SAME MAN YOU WAS BEFORE YOU GOT MARRIED. 391 00:20:58,633 --> 00:21:01,073 YOU GOT TO GIVE SOME SHIT UP. THAT'S RIGHT. 392 00:21:03,700 --> 00:21:07,400 YOU GOT TO GIVE UP HOPE, THAT'S WHAT THE FUCK YOU HAVE TO GIVE UP. 393 00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:10,570 HOPE KILLS. SAY YOU'RE DRIVING HOME TO THIS LOVELY WOMAN. 394 00:21:10,567 --> 00:21:12,927 YOU GO, "MAN, I HOPE SHE COOKED." SHE DIDN'T. 395 00:21:12,934 --> 00:21:15,404 "HOPE SHE AIN'T MAD." SHE IS. 396 00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:18,230 "HOPE I CAN GET SOME HEAD." YOU WON'T. 397 00:21:18,233 --> 00:21:21,803 'CAUSE WOMEN STOP GIVING HEAD THE MINUTE THEY SAY "I DO." 398 00:21:21,800 --> 00:21:25,000 "I DO. NOW I DON'T HAVE TO SUCK DICK ANYMORE. THANK GOD. 399 00:21:25,000 --> 00:21:29,730 I WAS SO HUMILIATED. IF HE'D HAVE GRABBED MY EARS ONE MORE TIME, I SWEAR TO GOD--" 400 00:21:33,033 --> 00:21:36,433 AND WOMEN ARE FUCKING CRAZY. THEY DO SHIT THEY DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND. 401 00:21:36,433 --> 00:21:40,533 PUT TOWELS IN THE BATHROOM AIN'T NOBODY SUPPOSED TO USE. WHAT TYPE OF SHIT IS THAT? 402 00:21:40,533 --> 00:21:43,033 "DON'T USE THOSE TOWELS. THEY'RE NOT FOR YOU." 403 00:21:43,033 --> 00:21:45,973 "WHAT THE FUCK THEY IN HERE FOR?" "THEY'RE NOT FOR YOU, GOD DAMN IT!" 404 00:21:45,967 --> 00:21:48,897 EVERY TIME I GET OUT OF THE SHOWER, I RUB MY DICK ACROSS THEM TOWELS. 405 00:21:48,900 --> 00:21:51,770 FUCK THESE TOWELS. DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THESE GODDAMN TOWELS. 406 00:21:51,767 --> 00:21:55,127 YOU KNOW WHY MEN ARE LAUGHING? 'CAUSE WE ALL DO IT, THAT'S WHY. 407 00:21:59,633 --> 00:22:03,173 YOU GUYS COME INTO THE BATHROOM, "DO THESE TOWELS SMELL FUNNY TO YOU?" 408 00:22:03,166 --> 00:22:05,196 "NO, THEY DON'T." 409 00:22:05,200 --> 00:22:07,970 "HOW COME YOU DON'T EVER TALK TO ME AFTER WE FINISH MAKING LOVE?" 410 00:22:07,967 --> 00:22:10,267 'CAUSE PUSSY MAKES YOU SLEEPIER THAN A MOTHERFUCKER. 411 00:22:10,266 --> 00:22:12,566 YOU GET SOME PUSSY, YOU CAN'T STAY AWAKE. 412 00:22:12,567 --> 00:22:14,897 "WHAT DOES SHE PUT IN HERE? 413 00:22:14,900 --> 00:22:18,070 I CAN'T KEEP MY EYES OPEN." 414 00:22:18,066 --> 00:22:21,266 YOU GET SOME PUSSY AND EAT A TURKEY SANDWICH YOU'RE IN A COMA. 415 00:22:23,000 --> 00:22:25,800 "I THINK SHE'S TRYING TO KILL ME." 416 00:22:27,633 --> 00:22:30,303 WOMEN WILL STAY UP ALL NIGHT DOING THE FREAKIEST SHIT IN THE WORLD TO YOU 417 00:22:30,300 --> 00:22:31,930 BUT IN THE MORNING THEY WON'T LET YOU 418 00:22:31,934 --> 00:22:34,304 USE THEIR FUCKING TOOTHBRUSH. WHAT'S THAT SHIT ABOUT? 419 00:22:34,300 --> 00:22:37,500 "DON'T USE MY TOOTHBRUSH. THAT'S NASTY." 420 00:22:39,133 --> 00:22:42,273 "HEY, GIRL, YOU WAS WITH ME LAST NIGHT, RIGHT? 421 00:22:42,266 --> 00:22:44,426 THAT WAS NASTY. 422 00:22:44,433 --> 00:22:48,073 I HAD MY FACE IN YOUR ASS. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? 423 00:22:49,800 --> 00:22:52,200 THIS AIN'T NO BEARD. THIS IS ALL THAT'S LEFT OF YOU. 424 00:22:52,200 --> 00:22:54,500 WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?" 425 00:22:58,000 --> 00:22:59,870 THAT'S THE THING ABOUT MARRIED WOMEN. 426 00:22:59,867 --> 00:23:01,927 ONCE THEY GET MARRIED ALL THE FUCKING FUN GO. 427 00:23:01,934 --> 00:23:05,304 THAT'S WHAT THE DEAL IS. MARRIED WOMEN GIVE HEAD WITH OTHER SHIT ON THEIR MIND. 428 00:23:05,300 --> 00:23:07,670 "HURRY UP, I GOT TO TAKE THIS CORNBREAD OUT. 429 00:23:13,066 --> 00:23:16,096 DON'T SQUIRT NONE OF THAT SHIT IN MY EYE. 430 00:23:16,100 --> 00:23:19,630 THE KIDS ARE GETTING OFF THE BUS PRETTY SOON, HURRY UP." 431 00:23:22,600 --> 00:23:25,000 I'M SO TIRED OF WHITE FOLK GETTING KILLED AT WORK. 432 00:23:25,000 --> 00:23:26,900 I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK TO DO. 433 00:23:26,900 --> 00:23:29,530 IF YOU AIN'T SURE WHAT TO DO, WATCH THE BLACK PEOPLE AND THE LATIN PEOPLE 434 00:23:29,533 --> 00:23:31,273 'CAUSE WE WILL EASE THE FUCK OUT OF A SIT-- 435 00:23:31,266 --> 00:23:33,796 "THIS MOTHERFUCKER LOOK CRAZY. FUCK THIS SHIT. 436 00:23:33,800 --> 00:23:36,230 I'M SURE GLAD I AIN'T THE SUPERVISOR. 437 00:23:36,233 --> 00:23:38,703 FUCK THAT SHIT. THIS PLACE ABOUT TO BE ON THE NEWS." 438 00:23:38,700 --> 00:23:40,700 WHITE FOLK WALK RIGHT UP TO THE TROUBLE, "HEY, 439 00:23:40,700 --> 00:23:44,200 WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE WITH THAT CAMOUFLAGE ON? 440 00:23:44,200 --> 00:23:47,430 NOBODY TOLD ME IT WAS CASUAL FRIDAY." 441 00:23:47,433 --> 00:23:50,233 POP POP POP POP POP. 442 00:23:50,233 --> 00:23:53,073 WE BE AT HOME WATCHING THE NEWS. "I WAS JUST THERE. 443 00:23:56,900 --> 00:23:59,000 THEY DONE KILLED THE SUPERVISOR, HUH? 444 00:23:59,000 --> 00:24:01,830 I'M GONNA APPLY FOR THE JOB TOMORROW." FUCK THAT SHIT. 445 00:24:04,800 --> 00:24:06,370 THAT TSUNAMI LAST YEAR FUCKED ME UP. 446 00:24:06,367 --> 00:24:08,297 200,000 PEOPLE DIED IN THAT. NO ANIMALS DIED. 447 00:24:08,300 --> 00:24:10,570 ANIMALS SENSED WHAT WAS GOING ON AND GOT THE FUCK OUT. 448 00:24:10,567 --> 00:24:12,967 NOW THEY TRYING TO USE THEM FOR AN EARLY-WARNING SYSTEM. 449 00:24:12,967 --> 00:24:16,267 LIKE A CHICKEN GONNA TELL US WHAT'S GOING ON. "WHAT'S WRONG, BOY?" 450 00:24:16,266 --> 00:24:18,226 ( screeched ) "YOU'LL FIND OUT. 451 00:24:19,467 --> 00:24:21,567 IT'S ABOUT TO BE FUCKED UP AROUND HERE." 452 00:24:24,533 --> 00:24:26,933 I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW YOU GET KILLED IN A TSUNAMI. 453 00:24:26,934 --> 00:24:29,404 ONE OF THE FIRST SIGNS IS THAT THE BEACH LEAVES! 454 00:24:29,400 --> 00:24:31,800 IF I EVER GO TO THE BEACH AND THE BEACH AIN'T THERE, 455 00:24:31,800 --> 00:24:34,330 THEN GOD DAMN IT, I AIN'T GONNA BE THERE EITHER. 456 00:24:34,333 --> 00:24:36,233 BUT WHITE FOLKS OUGHT TO FIGURE IT OUT-- 457 00:24:36,233 --> 00:24:38,333 "I CAME ALL THE WAY TO THAILAND TO SEE THE BEACH 458 00:24:38,333 --> 00:24:40,473 AND IT HAS THE AUDACITY TO NOT BE HERE. 459 00:24:40,467 --> 00:24:42,567 I DEMAND THAT-- HERE IT COMES." 460 00:24:46,500 --> 00:24:49,470 THAT HURRICANE FUCKED ME UP. I WAS IN JAPAN WHEN THAT HAPPENED. 461 00:24:49,467 --> 00:24:51,297 AND HURRICANE KATRINA FUCKED ME UP, 462 00:24:51,300 --> 00:24:53,770 'CAUSE I WAS IN JAPAN AND I SAW BLACK PEOPLE RUNNING, 463 00:24:53,767 --> 00:24:56,227 AND UNDER THAT THEY ACTUALLY SAID "REFUGEES." 464 00:24:56,233 --> 00:24:59,103 AND I THOUGHT, "WHAT THE FUCK DONE HAPPENED IN HAITI?" 465 00:24:59,100 --> 00:25:02,330 THEM WASN'T REFUGEES. THEM WAS AMERICAN CITIZENS. 466 00:25:02,333 --> 00:25:05,073 REFUGEES IS A-- THAT'S-- DIG IT. 467 00:25:05,066 --> 00:25:07,026 THAT'S RIGHT. 468 00:25:07,033 --> 00:25:08,933 THE REFUGEES IS A HIP-HOP GROUP 469 00:25:08,934 --> 00:25:10,874 WHO I'M GLAD GOT BACK TOGETHER. 470 00:25:10,867 --> 00:25:12,927 AND IF YOU ARE TAKING CLOTHES OR FOOD, 471 00:25:12,934 --> 00:25:14,904 YOU WASN'T LOOTING, YOU WERE SURVIVING. 472 00:25:14,900 --> 00:25:17,830 THAT'S RIGHT. WAIT A MINUTE. 473 00:25:17,834 --> 00:25:19,904 HOWEVER, THAT ONE MOTHERFUCKER 474 00:25:19,900 --> 00:25:22,200 PUSHING THAT PLASMA TV THROUGH SIX FEET OF WATER, 475 00:25:22,200 --> 00:25:25,170 HE WAS-- HE WAS LOOTING LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER. UH-HUH. 476 00:25:25,166 --> 00:25:26,996 I'M LIKE, "YOU DUMB SON OF A BITCH. 477 00:25:27,000 --> 00:25:28,800 WHERE THE FUCK YOU GONNA PLUG IT IN AT?" 478 00:25:28,800 --> 00:25:31,000 HOW COME THEY DIDN'T LEAVE? THEY COULD HAVE LEFT. 479 00:25:31,000 --> 00:25:33,430 BLACK PEOPLE FEEL LIKE WE GOT A SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD. 480 00:25:33,433 --> 00:25:35,873 "GOD'LL GIVE ME A SIGN. HE'LL LET ME KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON." 481 00:25:35,867 --> 00:25:38,297 AND HE WILL, BUT YOU GOTTA STOP LOOKING FOR THE BIG SHIT 482 00:25:38,300 --> 00:25:40,330 LIKE RUMBLING BUSHES AND BURNING IN THE CLOUDS. 483 00:25:40,333 --> 00:25:43,603 SOMETIMES GOD JUST SENDS A WEATHERMAN SAYING, "ALL THIS SHIT RIGHT HERE? 484 00:25:43,600 --> 00:25:45,400 IT'S ABOUT TO BLOW DOWN THE STREET." 485 00:25:45,400 --> 00:25:47,770 I'LL HOLLA AT Y'ALL LATER. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. 486 00:26:01,000 --> 00:26:04,100 RUSSELL SIMMONS, Y'ALL, RUSSELL SIMMONS! 487 00:26:07,433 --> 00:26:10,173 THANK YOU FOR COMING OUT. GOD BLESS YOU. GOOD NIGHT. 488 00:26:11,667 --> 00:26:14,297 ( theme music playing ) 489 00:26:14,347 --> 00:26:18,897 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 41700

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