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1
00:00:16,533 --> 00:00:18,033
( theme music playing )
2
00:00:18,033 --> 00:00:19,673
Kid Capri:
IT'S THE ONE AND ONLY
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00:00:19,667 --> 00:00:21,967
RUSSELL SIMMONS'
DEF COMEDY JAM!
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00:00:21,967 --> 00:00:24,667
WITH YOUR HOST,
MIKE EPPS!
5
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TONIGHT'S GUESTS--
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00:00:26,934 --> 00:00:28,304
KEVIN HART,
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MELANIE COMARCHO,
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AND KATT WILLIAMS.
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00:00:34,867 --> 00:00:37,127
I'M YOUR MAN,
THE WORLD'S GREATEST DJ,
10
00:00:37,133 --> 00:00:38,533
THE KID CAPRI!
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00:00:38,533 --> 00:00:40,673
AND WE ARE BACK!
12
00:00:42,400 --> 00:00:44,430
AND NOW THE HOST--
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MIKE EPPS!
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YEAH!
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GO ON, SIT YOUR
MOTHERFUCKIN' ASS DOWN!
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00:00:59,967 --> 00:01:02,467
YEAH!
WHAT'S UP, WHAT'S UP?
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00:01:04,834 --> 00:01:07,734
LET'S GET IT UP
FOR THE HOTTEST MOTHERFUCKIN' DJ EVER--
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00:01:07,734 --> 00:01:09,934
KID CAPRI, Y'ALL,
COME ON NOW!
19
00:01:12,834 --> 00:01:15,474
Y'ALL NIGGAS KILL
FOR RECREATION OUT HERE!
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ALL KINDA PIMPS AND PLAYERS
OUT HERE TONIGHT.
21
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THAT'S RIGHT!
22
00:01:21,867 --> 00:01:25,027
ALL THE FELLAS,
YOU BEEN SLIDING THE THUG UP IN THE LADIES.
23
00:01:25,033 --> 00:01:26,773
LOOK AT THIS LADY
WITH THE LOW HAIRCUT.
24
00:01:26,767 --> 00:01:29,767
I CAN'T FUCK A LADY
WITH A LOW HAIRCUT!
25
00:01:29,767 --> 00:01:32,867
MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE
YOU FUCKIN' YOUR BUDDY ANTOINE OR SOMETHIN'!
26
00:01:32,867 --> 00:01:36,027
TURN YOUR HEAD AROUND,
BITCH, THAT FADE LOOK TOO GOOD!
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I CAN'T WEAR
THAT MUCH JEWELRY, MAN.
28
00:01:41,667 --> 00:01:43,667
THE STICK-UP MAN
OUT HERE ARE FOR REAL.
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00:01:43,667 --> 00:01:47,027
IT'S A KNOWN FACT.
YOU WILL GET JACKED IN L.A.
30
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AND YOU WON'T
GET SHIT BACK!
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NIGGA'LL BE PUTTIN'
A PISTOL ON YOU,
32
00:01:52,533 --> 00:01:53,833
BREATH SMELL
LIKE COURVOISIER,
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"YOU KNOW
WHERE IT IS!"
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"NIGGA, YOU KNOW
WHERE IT IS--"
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NIGGA LIPS ALL ON YOUR EAR,
"YOU KNOW--"
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00:02:00,767 --> 00:02:02,227
"WHAT--
GET OFF MY NECK!
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IS YOU GONNA PUT
A HICKEY ON MY NECK
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00:02:03,800 --> 00:02:06,770
WHILE YOU ROBBIN' ME,
BITCH-ASS NIGGA?"
39
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I REMEMBER A NIGGA
ROBBED ME ONE TIME,
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I TRIED TO ACT
LIKE I KNEW THE NIGGA,
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AND TRIED TO HUG HIM.
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HE WAS LIKE,
"NIGGA, YOU KNOW WHAT--"
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I WAS LIKE,
"MAN, WHAT--" "WE ARE NOT PLAYIN'!
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NIGGA, WE ARE
NOT PLAYIN'."
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SOME NIGGAS
ROBBED ME ONE TIME,
46
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AND PUT ME IN THE TRUNK,
AND JUST RODE AROUND.
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SO I BEAT ON THE BACK SEAT
AND SAID, "PLAY THAT SNOOP DOGG AGAIN!"
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THEY WAS LIKE
"SHUT UP, NIGGA!"
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Y'ALL READY FOR SOME COMEDY?
COME ON, COME ON, COME ON, COME ON!
50
00:02:52,266 --> 00:02:54,166
COMING TO THE STAGE,
51
00:02:54,166 --> 00:02:56,266
STRAIGHT UP OUT
OF PHILADELPHIA,
52
00:02:56,266 --> 00:02:58,466
GIVE IT UP
FOR KEVIN HART!
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AH!
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CUT IT OFF, KID.
CUT THE MUSIC OFF!
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OFF!
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00:03:10,867 --> 00:03:12,597
HOW Y'ALL DOIN', GOOD?
EVERYBODY GOOD?
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GIVE MIKE A ROUND
OF APPLAUSE,
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OUT HERE WORKING HARD
FOR Y'ALL, MIKE!
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DOIN' WHAT HE DO!
60
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IN A GOOD MOOD, PEOPLE,
FEELIN' MYSELF RIGHT NOW.
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I'M A DAD, THAT'S WHY.
JUST HAD A BABY GIRL NOT TOO LONG AGO.
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YEAH-HEY!
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MY SPERM WORKS!
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I'M EXCITED
ABOUT THAT SHIT. HAD A FUCKING GIRL.
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I DID NOT WANT
A DAUGHTER, MAN! SHIT!
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I'M GONNA TELL YOU
THE SCARY PART ABOUT HAVING A DAUGHTER THOUGH,
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IS THAT I KNOW
SHE'S GONNA EXPECT ME TO PROTECT HER.
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'CAUSE I'M HER DAD.
SHE WILL COME TO ME WITH THAT "DAD" SHIT,
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YOU KNOW,
"DAD, HE HIT ME."
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THAT TYPE OF SHIT,
AND I'M NOT A FIGHTER, MAN.
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00:03:46,633 --> 00:03:48,873
THAT'S NOT MY SHIT, MAN,
LIKE--
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AT LEAST I'M HONEST ABOUT IT.
WOMEN, STOP EXPECTING EVERY MAN TO BE A FIGHTER.
73
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THAT'S NOT ME.
I'M VERY HONEST ABOUT THIS SHIT.
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00:03:54,867 --> 00:03:57,427
LIKE IF YOU WITH ME,
AND A GUY COMES UP AND SMACKS YOU,
75
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THEN YOU JUST GOT SMACKED.
THAT'S SOMETHIN'--
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NO, LISTEN--
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I'M JUST TELLIN'
Y'ALL, OKAY?
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NOW, WE COULD
TALK ABOUT IT
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WHEN WE GET IN THE CAR,
YOU KNOW?
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00:04:09,333 --> 00:04:11,633
LET'S FIGURE OUT
WHY IT HAPPENED,
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AND SEE
WHAT WE CAN DO
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TO PREVENT IT
FROM HAPPENING AGAIN.
83
00:04:16,333 --> 00:04:18,473
BUT AS FAR AS ME
DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT RIGHT THEN AND THERE,
84
00:04:18,467 --> 00:04:20,667
I DON'T REALLY
SEE THAT SHIT HAPPENING.
85
00:04:20,667 --> 00:04:22,597
IF A NIGGA
DIDN'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT PUNCHING YOU IN THE EYE,
86
00:04:22,600 --> 00:04:24,200
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK
HE GIVES A FUCK ABOUT MY EYE?
87
00:04:24,200 --> 00:04:25,870
THAT'S HOW
I'M LOOKING AT IT!
88
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TWO BLACK EYES
DON'T EQUAL 20-20 VISION.
89
00:04:28,033 --> 00:04:29,633
I DON'T GIVE A FUCK
WHAT YOU SAY!
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I'M A WITNESS.
THAT'S WHAT I'M GOOD AT.
91
00:04:32,266 --> 00:04:33,896
JUST PUT THE ICE PACK ON.
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00:04:33,900 --> 00:04:36,230
I'M GONNA TELL YOU
WHAT HE DID, I SAW IT.
93
00:04:36,233 --> 00:04:37,873
I'M NOT A FIGHTER!
THAT'S NOT MY SHIT.
94
00:04:37,867 --> 00:04:40,297
I THINK IT TAKES A SMART MAN
TO KNOW WHEN TO FIGHT
95
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AND WHEN NOT TO FIGHT.
I'M REAL GOOD AT THAT.
96
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I CAN JUDGE WHEN TO FIGHT
AND WHEN NOT TO FIGHT.
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PERFECT EXAMPLE, RIGHT--
I'M AT BEST BUY
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IN THE PARKING LOT,
WITH MY MOM, LOOKIN' FOR A PARKING SPOT.
99
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THERE'S A NIGGA,
IN THIS CAR GETTING READY TO BACK INTO A PARKING SPOT,
100
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BUT HE WAS TAKING TOO LONG,
SO I STOLE IT.
101
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I JUST PULLED IN
THE SHIT REAL FAST.
102
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NOW YOU KNOW WHEN YOU WRONG,
'CAUSE YOU PUT YOUR HEAD DOWN
103
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AND ROLL YOUR WINDOWS UP
REAL QUICK.
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YOU START HUMMIN',
"HMM, HMM, HMM,
105
00:05:03,000 --> 00:05:04,700
HMM-HMM, HMM..."
106
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SOME TRUE SHIT.
CHINESE DUDE, RIGHT?
107
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SO HE GET OUT THE CAR,
HE'S LIKE,
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"HEY, MAN, I KNOW YOU SAW ME
WAITING ON THAT SPOT!"
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AND I'M WITH MY MOM,
SO I AIN'T GONNA BE A BITCH.
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I'M LIKE,
"I DIDN'T SEE SHIT." HE'S LIKE, "YO,
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00:05:13,667 --> 00:05:16,097
EITHER YOU PULL OUT
THE SPOT OR WE GONNA HAVE A PROBLEM."
112
00:05:16,100 --> 00:05:18,070
"WELL, I GUESS
WE GOT A FUCKIN' PROBLEM."
113
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I'M GONNA TELL YOU
HOW I KNEW THAT I DIDN'T WANT THIS PROBLEM.
114
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SOME TRUE SHIT,
THIS IS WHAT HE DID.
115
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HE SAID, "OH, SO WE
GOT A PROBLEM?"
116
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"GET IN THE CAR, MOM,
GET IN THE CAR."
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"WHERE ARE WE GO--"
"SHUT UP AND GET IN THE CAR,
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BEFORE THE NIGGA
KICK US BOTH IN THE HEAD!"
119
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ANY NIGGA SMACK HIS KNEES
IS A ATHLETE,
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00:05:43,834 --> 00:05:45,634
I DON'T GIVE A FUCK
WHAT YOU SAY.
121
00:05:45,633 --> 00:05:48,473
THAT SHIT IS FOLLOWED
BY A KICK TO THE FACE, NIGGA,
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I KNOW WHAT
THAT'S FOLLOWED BY.
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I'M GONNA TELL YOU
WHAT-- I'M A SCUFFLER. THAT'S WHAT I AM.
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I'M A GREAT SCUFFLER.
YOU KNOW WHAT A SCUFFLER IS?
125
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ALL IT IS,
THAT'S A NIGGA
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THAT IT'S REAL HARD
TO GET A HOLD OF.
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THAT'S ALL.
IT'S REAL HARD TO GRAB ME.
128
00:06:01,633 --> 00:06:04,233
I'M A BRILLIANT SCUFFLER.
"GET BACK, NIGGA!"
129
00:06:10,400 --> 00:06:13,200
TAKE A LOT TO GET ME, NIGGA.
IT TAKE A LOT!
130
00:06:13,200 --> 00:06:16,600
YOU GOTTA BE PATIENT
TO FIGHT ME, NIGGA, TAKE A LOT OF TIME!
131
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I GOT INTO A SCUFFLE
WITH THIS NIGGA AT THE GYM.
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SOME TRUE SHIT!
SOME NAKED DUDE.
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00:06:22,934 --> 00:06:25,704
SOME NAKED DUDE
AT THE GYM TRIED TO HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH ME.
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00:06:25,700 --> 00:06:27,530
I DON'T WANNA TALK TO YOU
WHILE YOUR DICK IS OUT,
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I DON'T LIKE THAT,
YOU KNOW?
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00:06:29,133 --> 00:06:31,273
YOU WAIT
TILL YOU PUT THAT UP, THEN WE CAN TALK.
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THEN WE CAN FINISH
THIS CONVERSATION.
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'CAUSE I GOT A LITTLE BUTT,
THAT'S THE FIRST THING I THINK ABOUT.
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00:06:35,700 --> 00:06:38,870
ON SOME REAL SHIT,
LIKE IF A NIGGA REALLY WANTED TO RAPE ME,
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WHAT CAN I REALLY DO?
BE HONEST.
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00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:42,900
LIKE IF YOU
GET PAST MY SCUFFLE, THAT'S IT!
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I GOTTA TAKE ONE
FOR THE TEAM.
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00:06:45,133 --> 00:06:48,333
THAT'S ALL I GOT.
IF YOU GET PAST MY SCUFFLE--
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00:06:48,333 --> 00:06:49,933
'HEY, GET THE FUCK OFF!"
145
00:06:55,433 --> 00:06:56,573
( shrieks )
146
00:07:02,533 --> 00:07:06,033
THAT'S IT, NIGGA!
147
00:07:07,700 --> 00:07:10,000
I DON'T WANT
THAT PROBLEM!
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00:07:10,000 --> 00:07:12,330
I DON'T LIKE THAT.
I DON'T WANT THAT AT ALL.
149
00:07:12,333 --> 00:07:14,533
I'M GONNA SHOW YOU
WHAT KEEPS ME FROM BEING TOUGH.
150
00:07:14,533 --> 00:07:17,303
LOOK AT THIS SHIT.
LOOK AT THIS. THIS IS HOLDING ME BACK.
151
00:07:17,300 --> 00:07:20,070
LOOK AT THIS SHIT
RIGHT HERE.
152
00:07:20,066 --> 00:07:21,926
THIS IS
FUCKIN' ME UP!
153
00:07:21,934 --> 00:07:23,734
AIN'T NOTHIN'
TOUGH ABOUT THIS,
154
00:07:23,734 --> 00:07:25,104
I DON'T GIVE A FUCK
WHAT YOU SAY.
155
00:07:25,100 --> 00:07:26,630
IF YOU SWING YOUR FEET,
IT DON'T MATTER.
156
00:07:26,633 --> 00:07:28,103
AIN'T NOTHING TOUGH
ABOUT THIS SHIT.
157
00:07:28,100 --> 00:07:32,000
"I WILL KILL EVERYBODY
IN THIS BITCH TONIGHT, NIGGA!
158
00:07:32,000 --> 00:07:35,500
AIN'T A FUCKIN' GAME!
159
00:07:35,500 --> 00:07:39,400
THINK I'M PLAYIN'
WITH Y'ALL?"
160
00:07:39,400 --> 00:07:41,200
NIGGAS JUST WALK UP,
"PUSH HIM OUT THE CHAIR."
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00:07:41,200 --> 00:07:43,670
"WHAT-- HEY, NIGGA,
WAIT A MINUTE!"
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00:07:43,667 --> 00:07:45,467
THAT'S IT.
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00:07:45,467 --> 00:07:48,097
I'M TRYIN' THOUGH.
I'M WORKIN' ON SOME SHIT, MAN.
164
00:07:48,100 --> 00:07:49,830
I JUST DON'T LIKE
TO FUCKIN' FIGHT, MAN.
165
00:07:49,834 --> 00:07:52,104
EVEN WITH MY LADY,
I'M MARRIED, WE FUCKIN' FIGHT.
166
00:07:52,100 --> 00:07:53,930
ME AND MY LADY
GET INTO IT ALL THE TIME.
167
00:07:53,934 --> 00:07:55,834
YOU EVER FIGHT A GIRL?
168
00:07:55,834 --> 00:07:58,004
NEVER.
YOU NEVER PUNCHED A GIRL IN THE STOMACH?
169
00:07:58,000 --> 00:07:59,900
GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE,
EVERY MAN--
170
00:07:59,900 --> 00:08:01,830
EVERY MAN HAS PUNCHED
A GIRL IN THE STOMACH
171
00:08:01,834 --> 00:08:03,334
AT SOME POINT IN TIME
IN HIS LIFE.
172
00:08:03,333 --> 00:08:05,873
THAT'S HOW YOU SHOW A WOMAN
THAT YOU REALLY LOVE HER.
173
00:08:07,033 --> 00:08:09,633
MMM!
HIT HER, JUST ONE GOOD TIME.
174
00:08:09,633 --> 00:08:12,673
SOME REAL SHIT--
ME AND MY WIFE, WE GOT INTO A FIST FIGHT.
175
00:08:12,667 --> 00:08:14,297
SOME TRUE SHIT, MAN!
176
00:08:14,300 --> 00:08:15,830
I'M GONNA TELL YOU WHY.
WE GOT INTO A FIGHT
177
00:08:15,834 --> 00:08:17,904
'CAUSE WE MOVED
INTO A NEW HOUSE, RIGHT?
178
00:08:17,900 --> 00:08:20,230
SO I'M TRYING
TO LAY DOWN THE RULES FOR THE NEW HOUSE.
179
00:08:20,233 --> 00:08:21,733
I'M LIKE,
"LOOK, THIS A NEW HOUSE.
180
00:08:21,734 --> 00:08:23,704
I'M NOT GONNA TOLERATE
THE SAME SHIT
181
00:08:23,700 --> 00:08:25,730
THAT I TOLERATED
IN THE OLD HOUSE, OKAY?
182
00:08:25,734 --> 00:08:28,404
NEW HOUSE,
NEW FUCKIN' RULES."
183
00:08:28,400 --> 00:08:30,330
NOW, WHILE I'M
LAYING DOWN MY RULES,
184
00:08:30,333 --> 00:08:31,703
SHE WASN'T LISTENING,
SO I GOT MAD.
185
00:08:31,700 --> 00:08:33,530
I WAS GONNA TRY
TO GRAB HER AND SHAKE HER.
186
00:08:33,533 --> 00:08:36,203
THAT WAS MY PLAN. I WANTED
TO SHAKE HER THREE TIMES. BANG, BANG, BANG.
187
00:08:36,200 --> 00:08:37,830
THAT'S ALL I WANTED TO DO.
BANG, BANG, BANG,
188
00:08:37,834 --> 00:08:39,534
GO BACK TO MY ARGUMENT.
189
00:08:39,533 --> 00:08:42,473
BUT BEFORE I GRABBED HER,
SHE HIT ME REAL FAST-- LIKE RIGHT IN THE EYE.
190
00:08:42,467 --> 00:08:44,497
SHE WAS LIKE POW,
IT WAS QUICK AS SHIT.
191
00:08:44,500 --> 00:08:47,270
IT CAUGHT ME OFF GUARD,
'CAUSE IT LOOKED LIKE SHE WAS LISTENING,
192
00:08:47,266 --> 00:08:49,066
SHE'S LIKE,
"MMM-HMM, YEAH--" MMM!
193
00:08:50,133 --> 00:08:53,633
NIGGA, YOU--
YOU EVER GET HIT SO HARD
194
00:08:53,633 --> 00:08:55,703
THAT YOU GOTTA START
HAVING A CONVERSATION RIGHT AWAY
195
00:08:55,700 --> 00:08:57,200
JUST TO SLOW THE SHIT UP?
196
00:08:57,200 --> 00:08:58,900
THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED,
'CAUSE I DIDN'T EXPECT IT.
197
00:08:58,900 --> 00:09:01,530
IT CAUGHT ME OFF GUARD.
I WAS LIKE, "LOOK, IF I PAY THE FUCKIN' BILLS,
198
00:09:01,533 --> 00:09:03,733
THEN YOU NEED TO LISTEN.
IF YOU DON'T WANNA LISTEN TO ME,
199
00:09:03,734 --> 00:09:05,604
THEN WE-- BITCH!
WAIT A MINUTE!
200
00:09:05,600 --> 00:09:08,000
WAIT A-- OKAY,
CUT THE TV OFF. WHERE THE KIDS AT?
201
00:09:08,000 --> 00:09:09,470
LET ME
ASK YOU SOMETHING.
202
00:09:09,467 --> 00:09:11,867
I WANNA TALK TO YOU
FOR A SECOND, OKAY?
203
00:09:11,867 --> 00:09:13,567
FIRST OF ALL,
WE DON'T PRAY.
204
00:09:13,567 --> 00:09:16,527
A COUPLE THAT PRAYS
TOGETHER, STAYS TOGETHER, EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT.
205
00:09:16,533 --> 00:09:19,603
NOW-- BITCH!
YOU GONNA HIT ME WHEN I'M TALKING ABOUT JESUS?
206
00:09:19,600 --> 00:09:21,530
THAT'S WHEN YOU GONNA
PUT YOUR HANDS ON ME?
207
00:09:22,633 --> 00:09:24,603
I KNEW I LOST, THOUGH.
208
00:09:24,600 --> 00:09:26,500
I KNEW
THAT I DIDN'T WIN.
209
00:09:26,500 --> 00:09:28,330
TELL YOU HOW I KNEW
THAT I LOST THE FIGHT--
210
00:09:28,333 --> 00:09:29,933
'CAUSE WHEN THE COPS
CAME TO MY HOUSE,
211
00:09:29,934 --> 00:09:33,134
THE COPS ASKED ME
DID I WANNA PRESS CHARGES.
212
00:09:33,133 --> 00:09:34,833
THAT'S HOW I KNOW.
213
00:09:34,834 --> 00:09:36,704
NOW, THAT'S HOW I KNOW
214
00:09:36,700 --> 00:09:38,830
THAT IT DIDN'T GO THE WAY
I PLANNED IT TO.
215
00:09:38,834 --> 00:09:40,504
'CAUSE AT FIRST,
I THOUGHT IT WAS A TIE.
216
00:09:40,500 --> 00:09:43,630
BUT THE WAY THE COP
LOOKED AT ME, I COULD TELL SOMETHING WAS WRONG.
217
00:09:43,633 --> 00:09:45,373
THE WAY HE LOOKED.
'CAUSE HE WAS LIKE,
218
00:09:45,367 --> 00:09:47,827
"OH, NO! OH, SHIT!
219
00:09:47,834 --> 00:09:50,134
UM...
220
00:09:50,133 --> 00:09:52,773
FUCK, MAN.
UH...
221
00:09:52,767 --> 00:09:54,667
DO-- DO YOU
WANNA PRESS CHARGES?"
222
00:09:54,667 --> 00:09:56,967
AND I WAS LIKE,
"WHAT?! YOU ASKING ME,
223
00:09:56,967 --> 00:09:59,227
DO I WANNA--
NO, YOU NEED TO BE ASKING HER THAT SHIT."
224
00:09:59,233 --> 00:10:01,903
HE'S LIKE,
"FROM THE LOOKS OF THINGS, NO, I DON'T, OKAY?
225
00:10:01,900 --> 00:10:04,730
LOOK AT YOUR DAMN FACE, MAN!
LOOK AT YOUR FACE!"
226
00:10:04,734 --> 00:10:07,034
AND WHEN HE TOLD ME
TO LOOK AT MY FACE, I GOT EMOTIONAL.
227
00:10:07,033 --> 00:10:09,873
HAVE YOU EVER TRIED TO TELL
SOMEBODY WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU WHEN YOU WERE EMOTIONAL?
228
00:10:09,867 --> 00:10:11,767
IT'S VERY DIFFICULT
TO GET THROUGH THE STORY
229
00:10:11,767 --> 00:10:14,027
BECAUSE YOUR EMOTIONS
START TO GET THE BEST OF YOU.
230
00:10:14,033 --> 00:10:16,003
THEY TAKE OVER THE STORY,
THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS.
231
00:10:16,000 --> 00:10:17,800
I WAS LIKE, "YOU WANNA KNOW
WHAT HAPPENED?
232
00:10:17,800 --> 00:10:20,070
ALL RIGHT, FUCK IT.
OKAY, SHIT.
233
00:10:20,066 --> 00:10:22,096
UM... ALL RIGHT.
234
00:10:22,100 --> 00:10:24,100
FUCK IT.
235
00:10:24,100 --> 00:10:26,070
OKAY,
I'M IN A--
236
00:10:26,066 --> 00:10:27,766
I'M IN A--
237
00:10:27,767 --> 00:10:30,627
( stammering )
I'M IN THE KITCHEN, RIGHT?
238
00:10:30,633 --> 00:10:32,603
AND LIKE, LIKE, LIKE,
239
00:10:32,600 --> 00:10:34,230
LIKE WHILE I'M--
240
00:10:34,233 --> 00:10:36,233
LIKE WHILE I'M SITTIN'
AT THE KITCHEN,
241
00:10:36,233 --> 00:10:37,833
( whines )
SHE GONNA LIKE-- SHE GONNA...
242
00:10:37,834 --> 00:10:40,634
SHE GONNA FUCKIN'--
SHE GONNA FUCKIN' COME AROUND
243
00:10:40,633 --> 00:10:43,733
AND, AND--
SHE GONNA FUCKIN' COME AROUND,
244
00:10:43,734 --> 00:10:45,704
AND FUCKIN'--
AND LIKE,
245
00:10:45,700 --> 00:10:48,530
SHE WANT FUCKIN' PUT
HER FINGER ALL IN MY FACE!
246
00:10:48,533 --> 00:10:51,633
AND I LIKE, LIKE--
I WAS LIKE--
247
00:10:51,633 --> 00:10:53,933
I WAS LIKE--
I SAID--
248
00:10:53,934 --> 00:10:56,634
I WAS LIKE--
I SAID, I SAID--
249
00:10:56,633 --> 00:10:58,433
I WAS LIKE, I SAID,
250
00:10:58,433 --> 00:11:01,903
"DON'T PUT
YOUR FUCKIN' HAND IN MY FACE!"
251
00:11:01,900 --> 00:11:04,570
Y'ALL BEEN A GREAT CROWD!
MY NAME'S KEV HART.
252
00:11:12,100 --> 00:11:13,970
KEVIN HART, Y'ALL!
253
00:11:15,934 --> 00:11:19,304
ONE MORE TIME
FOR KID CAPRI. COME ON, Y'ALL!
254
00:11:23,934 --> 00:11:25,004
WHAT, SAY WHAT?
255
00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:27,730
( women, man
yelling )
256
00:11:27,734 --> 00:11:31,234
I CAN'T--
COULD YOU KILL YOURSELF LATER ON TONIGHT?
257
00:11:34,467 --> 00:11:37,367
WHO IN THE FUCK
IS THAT UP THERE?
258
00:11:37,367 --> 00:11:40,167
( screaming )
259
00:11:40,166 --> 00:11:42,496
SOUND LIKE A RETARDED NIGGA
NAMED "JUNIOR"--
260
00:11:42,500 --> 00:11:44,100
( groans )
261
00:11:48,133 --> 00:11:50,503
EVER SEEN 'EM LITTLE STRONG,
RETARDED-LOOKIN' DUDES?
262
00:11:50,500 --> 00:11:52,070
( groans )
263
00:11:57,900 --> 00:12:00,530
NIGGA MOVE FURNITURE.
PEOPLE HIRE HIM
264
00:12:00,533 --> 00:12:02,333
TO MOVE FURNITURE
ALL THE TIME.
265
00:12:02,333 --> 00:12:05,703
"PICK THAT
REFRIGERATOR UP!" ( groans )
266
00:12:07,967 --> 00:12:11,397
"DID THAT NIGGA
JUST PICK A REFRIGERATOR UP WITH ONE HAND?"
267
00:12:13,133 --> 00:12:15,873
SO WE GONNA HAVE A GOOD TIME?
Y'ALL READY TO HAVE SOME MORE FUN? COME ON!
268
00:12:19,567 --> 00:12:21,067
COMING TO THE STAGE--
269
00:12:21,066 --> 00:12:23,366
IT AIN'T SAFE
WHEN IT'S HER ASS
270
00:12:23,367 --> 00:12:24,967
STEP UP ON THE STAGE
I'M TELLING YOU.
271
00:12:24,967 --> 00:12:27,167
STRAIGHT OUT OF CALIFORNIA,
Y'ALL GONNA LOVE HER.
272
00:12:27,166 --> 00:12:29,266
SHE'S A BAD MOTHERFUCKER!
273
00:12:29,266 --> 00:12:32,366
GIVE IT UP
FOR MELANIE COMARCHO, COME ON, Y'ALL!
274
00:12:40,200 --> 00:12:43,330
HELLO, WHAT'S HAPPENIN'?
HOW Y'ALL DOIN'?
275
00:12:43,333 --> 00:12:46,973
ALL THE LADIES IN THE HOUSE,
MAKE SOME NOISE, LADIES!
276
00:12:46,967 --> 00:12:49,267
- ( women cheering )
- WHOO!
277
00:12:49,266 --> 00:12:50,966
WHERE MY INDEPENDENT
WOMEN AT?
278
00:12:50,967 --> 00:12:53,067
MAKE SOME NOISE,
INDEPENDENT WOMEN!
279
00:12:53,066 --> 00:12:54,066
WAIT, WAIT--
280
00:12:54,066 --> 00:12:55,526
WAIT, HOLD UP, HOLD UP,
WAIT A MINUTE.
281
00:12:55,533 --> 00:12:57,603
Y'ALL MUST NOT UNDERSTAND
WHAT A INDEPENDENT WOMAN IS.
282
00:12:57,600 --> 00:13:00,970
I'M TALKIN' ABOUT,
GOT YOUR OWN PLACE,
283
00:13:00,967 --> 00:13:03,297
GOT A JOB,
284
00:13:03,300 --> 00:13:05,270
PAYIN' ALL YOUR BILLS.
WHERE Y'ALL AT?
285
00:13:05,266 --> 00:13:07,466
MAKE SOME NOISE
UP IN HERE!
286
00:13:07,467 --> 00:13:09,367
WE ALL OVER!
287
00:13:09,367 --> 00:13:11,567
'CAUSE WE HANDLIN' OURS,
WE HANDLIN' OURS.
288
00:13:11,567 --> 00:13:14,567
WE GETS DOWN.
WE DO EVERYTHING. WE HANDLIN' OURS.
289
00:13:14,567 --> 00:13:16,727
WE REPRESENTIN'
IN THIS NEW MILLENNIUM.
290
00:13:16,734 --> 00:13:19,574
AND THE HATERS GOTTA COME OUT,
BECAUSE WE HANDLIN' OUR BUSINESS,
291
00:13:19,567 --> 00:13:21,127
HATIN' ON US,
TALKIN' ABOUT US,
292
00:13:21,133 --> 00:13:23,503
HOW WE NAME OUR KIDS.
293
00:13:23,500 --> 00:13:26,970
"WHERE'S SHAKANEEKA
GONNA FIND A JOB AT?"
294
00:13:26,967 --> 00:13:30,097
"WHERE'S ALEEKA
GONNA FIND A JOB AT?"
295
00:13:30,100 --> 00:13:34,470
"THE SAME PLACE
CONDOLEEZZA "SHAMEEKA" RICE FOUND ONE, HELLO!"
296
00:13:34,467 --> 00:13:38,097
DON'T GET IT TWISTED, 'CAUSE
OPRAH "LUCRETIA" WINFREY
297
00:13:38,100 --> 00:13:39,900
GOT A JOB TOO, OKAY?
298
00:13:39,900 --> 00:13:42,300
TWO MOST POWERFUL WOMEN
IN THIS COUNTRY'S WORKIN'.
299
00:13:42,300 --> 00:13:44,430
DON'T YOU EVEN WORRY
ABOUT WHERE WE GONNA WORK.
300
00:13:44,433 --> 00:13:46,303
WE HANDLIN' OURS,
WE DOIN' WHAT WE--
301
00:13:46,300 --> 00:13:48,230
AIN'T NOTHIN' WE CAN'T DO.
AIN'T NO SUCH THING
302
00:13:48,233 --> 00:13:51,573
AS A "MISSION IMPOSSIBLE"
FOR A INDEPENDENT WOMAN, HELLO!
303
00:13:51,567 --> 00:13:53,497
SHH, PLEASE.
304
00:13:53,500 --> 00:13:57,630
I DONE TOOK A THOUSAND DOLLARS,
PAID THE RENT, LIGHT, GAS, PHONE BILL,
305
00:13:57,633 --> 00:13:59,633
BOUGHT A BAG OF WEED,
HALF A TANK OF GAS,
306
00:13:59,633 --> 00:14:02,473
AND STILL HAD $20 LEFT.
307
00:14:02,467 --> 00:14:05,567
YOU BETTER ASK
SOME-GODDAMN-BODY!
308
00:14:05,567 --> 00:14:08,097
STILL HAD $20!
WE CAN MAKE IT HAPPEN.
309
00:14:08,100 --> 00:14:11,970
MATTER OF FACT,
ONLY MISSION EVEN CAME CLOSE TO BEING IMPOSSIBLE
310
00:14:11,967 --> 00:14:14,127
WAS FINDING A GOOD MAN,
WITH SOME GOOD CREDIT,
311
00:14:14,133 --> 00:14:16,103
A GOOD JOB,
AND SOME GOOD DICK.
312
00:14:16,100 --> 00:14:17,570
HELLO?
313
00:14:18,734 --> 00:14:20,574
NOW THAT'S A DAMN
"MISSION IMPOSSIBLE"
314
00:14:20,567 --> 00:14:22,727
RIGHT THERE, SHIT!
315
00:14:22,734 --> 00:14:26,134
ALL I GET IS PRETENDERS,
I'M SO SICK OF THIS SHIT!
316
00:14:26,133 --> 00:14:27,603
ALL Y'ALL WALKIN' AROUND
317
00:14:27,600 --> 00:14:30,630
WITH THEM MAGNUM XLS
IN YOUR POCKET. RIGHT!
318
00:14:30,633 --> 00:14:32,933
ALL Y'ALL
DON'T WEAR NO MAGNUM XL,
319
00:14:32,934 --> 00:14:34,774
LET'S KEEP IT REAL
UP IN HERE.
320
00:14:34,767 --> 00:14:38,497
SOME OF 'EM IN DENIAL,
THEY JUST WANNA WEAR ONE ANYWAY.
321
00:14:38,500 --> 00:14:40,770
I'M LIKE, "NO, THAT AIN'T
YOUR SIZE, BOO,
322
00:14:40,767 --> 00:14:43,467
THAT AIN'T YOUR SIZE.
323
00:14:43,467 --> 00:14:45,027
SEE THAT AIR BUBBLE
RIGHT THERE?
324
00:14:45,033 --> 00:14:47,933
THAT'S SUPPOSED
TO BE DICK, OKAY?
325
00:14:49,967 --> 00:14:52,397
AIN'T SUPPOSED TO BE NO
BIG OLD AIR BUBBLE RIGHT THERE!
326
00:14:52,400 --> 00:14:54,430
YOU TRIPPIN'!
327
00:14:54,433 --> 00:14:55,973
YOU SUPPOSED
TO FILL THAT UP."
328
00:14:55,967 --> 00:14:57,627
AND HE LIKE,
"NO, THIS THE WAY IT GO."
329
00:14:57,633 --> 00:15:00,333
NO, THAT AIN'T
THE WAY IT GO. IT'S COMIN' OFF.
330
00:15:00,333 --> 00:15:02,573
Y'ALL ALWAYS TALKIN' ABOUT,
"IT BROKE."
331
00:15:02,567 --> 00:15:04,867
NO, IT FELL OFF,
THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED.
332
00:15:04,867 --> 00:15:06,927
SHIT AIN'T BROKE.
333
00:15:06,934 --> 00:15:09,004
FELL OFF-- IN ME!
334
00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:12,070
I GOTTA BE UP
ALL NIGHT TRYIN' TO GET THAT SHIT OUT.
335
00:15:13,166 --> 00:15:15,296
GET YOUR SIZE!
336
00:15:15,300 --> 00:15:17,370
SOME MEN JUST GONNA
KEEP IT MOVING, TOO.
337
00:15:17,367 --> 00:15:19,897
THEY WANNA TRY ANYTHING--
"NO, THIS MY SIZE, COME ON!"
338
00:15:19,900 --> 00:15:22,400
I'M LIKE,
"NO. THE ONLY WAY THAT'S STAYIN' ON,
339
00:15:22,400 --> 00:15:25,070
IS IF YOU
PUT YOUR BALLS IN THERE TOO, HELLO.
340
00:15:27,867 --> 00:15:30,367
AIN'T NO OTHER WAY,
AIN'T ON OTHER WAY!
341
00:15:31,967 --> 00:15:34,797
YOU NEED DICK AND BALLS
TO HOLD THAT MAGNUM XL UP!
342
00:15:34,800 --> 00:15:36,930
YOU BETTER ASK
SOME-DAMN-BODY.
343
00:15:36,934 --> 00:15:39,104
ALWAYS PERPETRATIN'.
344
00:15:39,100 --> 00:15:42,200
I HATE THEM BIG BALLS, TOO.
ANYBODY EVER HAD THE BIG BALLS?
345
00:15:42,200 --> 00:15:44,330
OH MY GOD.
346
00:15:44,333 --> 00:15:46,973
YOU DON'T KNOW
THEY BIG BALLS UNTIL YOU GET DOWN.
347
00:15:46,967 --> 00:15:48,897
'CAUSE IN THE CLUB
IN THEM JEANS,
348
00:15:48,900 --> 00:15:51,100
IT LOOK LIKE DICK,
DON'T IT?
349
00:15:51,100 --> 00:15:53,830
YOU BE ALL HAPPY,
"HEY-YY!"
350
00:15:53,834 --> 00:15:55,534
YOU BE BRAGGING
TO YOUR FRIENDS,
351
00:15:55,533 --> 00:15:57,203
"PARTY OVER HERE!"
352
00:15:57,200 --> 00:15:59,800
AND THEN HE
DROP THEM DRAWERS, AND AIN'T NOTHIN' BUT BALLS,
353
00:15:59,800 --> 00:16:02,030
THAT'S SOME
MESSED-UP SHIT!
354
00:16:02,033 --> 00:16:04,233
MAKE YOU WANNA
CALL SOMEBODY.
355
00:16:04,233 --> 00:16:06,903
"GIRL, YOU AIN'T
GONNA BELIEVE THIS!
356
00:16:06,900 --> 00:16:09,470
YEAH, IT LOOK LIKE TITTIES.
I'M GONNA CALL YOU BACK."
357
00:16:11,300 --> 00:16:14,330
BIG OLD TITTY BALLS!
358
00:16:14,333 --> 00:16:17,173
WHEN THEY SAID
HE WAS A BALLER, I'M THINKING, YOU KNOW--
359
00:16:18,266 --> 00:16:20,696
NBA OR SOMETHIN'.
IT'S BEEN A MIX-UP.
360
00:16:20,700 --> 00:16:23,900
THEM AIN'T
THE KIND OF BALLS I WAS THINKIN' ABOUT.
361
00:16:23,900 --> 00:16:27,200
THEM ARE NOT THE BALLS,
THEM ARE NOT THE BALLS.
362
00:16:27,200 --> 00:16:30,570
I LOVE Y'ALL, MEN,
BUT Y'ALL GOT TO GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER.
363
00:16:30,567 --> 00:16:32,797
FIRST OF ALL,
LOT OF Y'ALL DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO DO
364
00:16:32,800 --> 00:16:34,400
WHEN YOU SEE
A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.
365
00:16:34,400 --> 00:16:36,830
Y'ALL DON'T EVEN
KNOW HOW TO TALK.
366
00:16:36,834 --> 00:16:38,974
DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
367
00:16:38,967 --> 00:16:41,727
A LOT OF Y'ALL JUST
DON'T HAVE A CLUE AT ALL WHEN IT COMES TO WOMEN.
368
00:16:41,734 --> 00:16:43,934
MEN THINK
WE TURN THE LIGHTS OFF
369
00:16:43,934 --> 00:16:46,374
DURING SEX
TO HIDE OUR BODIES.
370
00:16:46,367 --> 00:16:47,927
NO, WE TURN
THE LIGHTS OFF
371
00:16:47,934 --> 00:16:50,904
SO YOU CAN BE
SOMEBODY ELSE, NIGGA!
372
00:16:53,000 --> 00:16:55,000
HELLO!
373
00:16:55,000 --> 00:16:57,830
"YOU DENZEL, YOU DENZEL,
DAMN IT, SHUT UP!"
374
00:16:57,834 --> 00:17:01,134
LET ME HAVE
MY FANTASY, SHIT.
375
00:17:02,333 --> 00:17:04,003
IF YOU JUST GOTTA TALK,
SAY SOMETHING LIKE,
376
00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:05,570
"KING KONG AIN'T
GOT NOTHING ON ME!"
377
00:17:05,567 --> 00:17:09,167
SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
HELP ME WITH MY FANTASY.
378
00:17:09,166 --> 00:17:12,266
Y'ALL BE KILLING ME TOO,
WITH YOUR LITTLE STUFF AIN'T GETTIN' HARD.
379
00:17:12,266 --> 00:17:13,826
I HATE THAT, OH.
380
00:17:13,834 --> 00:17:16,904
'CAUSE THEY
WANT YOU TO RUB ON IT, DON'T THEY, LADIES?
381
00:17:16,900 --> 00:17:19,930
YOU GOTTA BE RUBBIN'
AND SHIT...
382
00:17:20,967 --> 00:17:23,727
"SHIT, MY ARM HURT!
MY ARM HURT."
383
00:17:25,934 --> 00:17:28,434
"YOU DO IT
FOR A LITTLE WHILE, SHIT!"
384
00:17:29,467 --> 00:17:31,767
"YOU BETTER AT IT
THAN I AM, SHIT.
385
00:17:31,767 --> 00:17:34,327
WELL, SHOW ME HOW,
SHOW ME HOW, IF I AIN'T DOING IT RIGHT."
386
00:17:35,367 --> 00:17:38,497
DON'T BE DOIN' THAT,
SILLY-ASS MEN!
387
00:17:38,500 --> 00:17:39,970
Y'ALL, WHAT WE GONNA
DO WITH Y'ALL?
388
00:17:39,967 --> 00:17:41,767
Y'ALL LOVE TURNIN'
SOME STUFF AROUND TO MAKE IT LOOK
389
00:17:41,767 --> 00:17:43,827
LIKE IT'S OUR FAULT TOO,
DON'T THEY ,LADIES?
390
00:17:44,700 --> 00:17:46,230
HELL YEAH!
391
00:17:46,233 --> 00:17:49,033
LIKE WHEN THEY GOT
A LITTLE DICK, THEY TRY TO PUT THAT OFF ON US.
392
00:17:49,033 --> 00:17:51,433
"WELL, SHE JUST GOT
A BIG OLD COOCHIE."
393
00:17:52,934 --> 00:17:57,274
AIN'T NO SUCH THING.
COOCHIE GOT ELASTIC IN IT, HELLO!
394
00:17:57,266 --> 00:18:00,426
AND A REAL WOMAN
KNOW HOW TO TIGHTEN HER SHIT UP ANYWAY!
395
00:18:00,433 --> 00:18:01,933
YOU BETTER ASK SOMEBODY.
396
00:18:01,934 --> 00:18:04,374
DO A COOCHIE CRUNCH
ON YOUR ASS.
397
00:18:04,367 --> 00:18:06,267
AIN'T SHIT
WRONG WITH ME!
398
00:18:06,266 --> 00:18:08,326
ALL I KNOW IS,
MY OTHER FRIEND DON'T POP OUT
399
00:18:08,333 --> 00:18:10,333
WHEN HE COME OVER,
SO IT AIN'T ME.
400
00:18:12,033 --> 00:18:14,703
I'M NOT THE ONE
WITH THE PROBLEM, MR. LITTLE MAN.
401
00:18:14,700 --> 00:18:16,800
NOT ME, NOT ME.
402
00:18:16,800 --> 00:18:19,800
LOVE TO TURN SOME SHIT AROUND,
LOVE TO TURN SOME SHIT AROUND.
403
00:18:19,800 --> 00:18:21,430
LIKE WHEN YOU
CAN'T GET A HARD-ON,
404
00:18:21,433 --> 00:18:23,303
Y'ALL TRY TO PUT
THAT SHIT OFF ON US.
405
00:18:23,300 --> 00:18:26,070
"WELL, IF YOU'D SHUT UP--"
406
00:18:26,066 --> 00:18:28,166
"SHIT, ALL I SAID WAS,
'WHAT'S THE MATTER?'
407
00:18:28,166 --> 00:18:30,396
SHIT, YOU SHUT UP!"
408
00:18:31,967 --> 00:18:35,127
"YOU THE ONE NEED
TO BE CONCENTRATIN' OR SOMETHIN'!"
409
00:18:36,200 --> 00:18:37,770
I COULD TALK
ALL NIGHT LONG,
410
00:18:37,767 --> 00:18:40,327
AND MY SHIT'LL WORK
JUST FINE.
411
00:18:40,333 --> 00:18:43,303
IF YOU KNOW WHAT I KNOW,
ALL THE LADIES IN THE HOUSE SAY "HELLO!"
412
00:18:43,300 --> 00:18:44,870
Women:
HELLO!
413
00:18:44,867 --> 00:18:47,127
SHIT, WE CAN GO TO SLEEP
AND OUR SHIT'D BE WORKING.
414
00:18:47,133 --> 00:18:48,933
YOU BETTER
ASK SOME-DAMN-BODY!
415
00:18:48,934 --> 00:18:51,674
SILLY-ASS MEN.
416
00:18:51,667 --> 00:18:54,727
THEY ABOUT TO KILL THEIR SELF
ON THAT LEVITRA,
417
00:18:54,734 --> 00:18:57,634
AND VIAGRA, AND CIALIS,
ALL THAT BULLSHIT.
418
00:18:57,633 --> 00:19:00,233
YOU WASTING YOUR MONEY,
JUST WASTING YOUR MONEY.
419
00:19:00,233 --> 00:19:02,973
THERE'S NATURAL WAYS
TO GET A HARD-ON, FELLAS.
420
00:19:02,967 --> 00:19:04,797
THERE'S STUFF YOU CAN EAT.
421
00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:06,970
LOOK HOW QUIET IT GOT!
"STUFF YOU CAN EAT?"
422
00:19:08,800 --> 00:19:10,570
PUSSY!
423
00:19:11,867 --> 00:19:14,767
YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN GREAT!
I'M MELANIE, THANK YOU!
424
00:19:18,066 --> 00:19:20,196
THANK YOU!
425
00:19:24,967 --> 00:19:27,227
YEAH!
426
00:19:27,233 --> 00:19:28,833
( singing gibberish )
427
00:19:28,834 --> 00:19:30,534
COMING TO THE STAGE,
428
00:19:30,533 --> 00:19:32,433
Y'ALL GONNA ENJOY
THIS BROTHER.
429
00:19:32,433 --> 00:19:34,373
HE'S BEEN ON
"MY WIFE AND KIDS,"
430
00:19:34,367 --> 00:19:36,297
HE'S A CAST MEMBER
ON "WILD 'N OUT,"
431
00:19:36,300 --> 00:19:38,130
AND Y'ALL KNOW HIM AS
"MONEY MIKE."
432
00:19:38,133 --> 00:19:42,103
PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER
FOR KATT WILLIAMS!
433
00:19:58,066 --> 00:20:01,096
GOOD EVENING,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. WHAT A PLEASURE TO BE HERE.
434
00:20:01,100 --> 00:20:04,400
SO BEAUTIFUL.
435
00:20:04,400 --> 00:20:07,930
I'M JUST HERE
TO REMIND NIGGAS THAT LIFE IS SHORT.
436
00:20:07,934 --> 00:20:10,134
YOU GOTTA ENJOY
YOUR MOTHERFUCKIN' LIFE.
437
00:20:10,133 --> 00:20:12,173
ENJOY YOUR
GODDAMN LIFE.
438
00:20:12,166 --> 00:20:15,266
STOP BEIN' UNGRATEFUL
ALL THE GODDAMN TIME.
439
00:20:15,266 --> 00:20:17,666
YOU GOTTA BE HAPPY ABOUT
YOUR MOTHERFUCKIN' LIFE.
440
00:20:17,667 --> 00:20:19,697
IF GOD DONE BLESSED YOU
WITH A CHRYSLER 300,
441
00:20:19,700 --> 00:20:21,530
NIGGA,
STOP TALKING SHIT.
442
00:20:21,533 --> 00:20:24,433
WALKIN' ROUND,
TELLIN' NIGGAS, "YEAH NIGGA, THE REASON I GOT IT,
443
00:20:24,433 --> 00:20:26,203
NIGGA, IT'S 'CAUSE
IT LOOK LIKE A PHANTOM."
444
00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:31,130
NO, NIGGA, IT LOOK LIKE
A CHRYSLER 300.
445
00:20:31,133 --> 00:20:33,573
THE FUCKED-UP PART IS,
THAT BITCH DO LO LIKE A PHANTOM
446
00:20:33,567 --> 00:20:36,197
UNTIL A PHANTOM PULL UP.
447
00:20:36,200 --> 00:20:38,070
THE YOU JUST
AT THE LIGHT, JUST...
448
00:20:40,200 --> 00:20:43,170
"THIS IS BULLSHIT.
I DON'T EVEN WANNA BE ON THIS STREET, NIGGA,
449
00:20:43,166 --> 00:20:45,496
I DON'T EVEN WANNA BE
ON THIS STREET."
450
00:20:45,500 --> 00:20:48,200
I'M SAYIN', YOU GOTTA
BE HAPPY ABOUT YOUR MOTHERFUCKIN' LIFE.
451
00:20:48,200 --> 00:20:50,900
IF I'D KNOW 50 CENT
MADE IT REAL COOL TO BE SHOT.
452
00:20:50,900 --> 00:20:53,630
LET ME JUST SAY SOMETHING--
NIGGAS, YOU CAN'T BE HARD
453
00:20:53,633 --> 00:20:57,003
ALL THE MOTHERFUCKIN' TIME.
WE ALL KNOW NIGGAS IS HARD TOO OFTEN.
454
00:20:57,000 --> 00:20:59,300
7:00 IN THE GODDAMN MORNING,
THESE NIGGAS HARD.
455
00:20:59,300 --> 00:21:01,900
WAIT A MINUTE, IS YOU ANGRY
AT BREAKFAST, NIGGA?
456
00:21:03,567 --> 00:21:06,427
YOU GANG-BANGIN' ON BACON,
NIGGA, YOU--?
457
00:21:07,734 --> 00:21:09,574
I KNOW 50 DONE
MADE IT COOL TO BE SHOT.
458
00:21:09,567 --> 00:21:11,597
I BEEN SHOT BEFORE,
AIN'T SHIT COOL ABOUT IT.
459
00:21:11,600 --> 00:21:13,600
WHEN I GOT SHOT,
AIN'T NO MUSIC PLAY,
460
00:21:13,600 --> 00:21:16,500
AIN'T NO BITCHES
COME OUT, NOTHIN'.
461
00:21:18,633 --> 00:21:21,673
THE FUCKED-UP PART IS
WHEN I GOT SHOT, I WASN'T EVEN IN A ALTERCATION.
462
00:21:21,667 --> 00:21:24,127
I'M OUTSIDE THE CLUB
WATCHING SOME OTHER NIGGAS.
463
00:21:24,133 --> 00:21:26,433
I WAS LIKE,
"LOOK AT THESE CRAZY-ASS NIGGAS!"
464
00:21:26,433 --> 00:21:29,073
"AW, THESE
NIGGAS FIXING TO FIGHT. OH, THAT NIGGA GOT A GUN.
465
00:21:29,066 --> 00:21:30,826
IT'S FIXING GET GO."
BAM!
466
00:21:30,834 --> 00:21:32,274
"WAIT A MINUTE!
JESUS!
467
00:21:32,266 --> 00:21:36,766
PIMP DOWN! PIMP 32,
BITCH, GET THE TRUCK!
468
00:21:36,767 --> 00:21:38,667
THIS IS BULLSHIT!
469
00:21:38,667 --> 00:21:41,567
I DONE GOT BLOOD
IN MY PERM, NIGGA, I'M FIXING TO BLACK OUT!
470
00:21:41,567 --> 00:21:44,097
I'M FIXING TO BLACK OUT!
471
00:21:45,066 --> 00:21:47,526
I'M JUST SAYIN'
LIFE IS SHORT.
472
00:21:47,533 --> 00:21:51,033
LADIES, Y'ALL
NEED TO STOP STRESSIN' ALL THE MOTHERFUCKIN' TIME.
473
00:21:51,033 --> 00:21:53,933
YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND,
BITCH, IF YOU ARE NOT THE SHIT TO YOU,
474
00:21:53,934 --> 00:21:56,534
YOU ARE NOT THE SHIT
TO ANY-FUCKIN'-BODY ELSE.
475
00:21:56,533 --> 00:21:58,833
YOU NEED
TO UNDERSTAND THAT...
476
00:21:59,834 --> 00:22:01,574
AND JUST DEAL WITH IT.
477
00:22:01,567 --> 00:22:03,997
WE ARE TIRED OF Y'ALL
GETTING IN RELATIONSHIPS WITH US
478
00:22:04,000 --> 00:22:06,970
AND BLAMING US FOR SHIT
WE AIN'T EVEN IN CONTROL OF.
479
00:22:06,967 --> 00:22:08,867
YOU DONE GOT WITH A NIGGA,
YOU TALKING ABOUT--
480
00:22:08,867 --> 00:22:11,227
"YOU FUCKED UP
MY SELF-ESTEEM."
481
00:22:11,233 --> 00:22:13,973
"BITCH, IT'S CALLED
'SELF-ESTEEM'!
482
00:22:13,967 --> 00:22:17,927
IT'S ESTEEM OF YOUR
MOTHERFUCKIN' SELF, BITCH!
483
00:22:19,300 --> 00:22:23,370
HOW THE FUCK
DID I FUCK UP HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT YOU?"
484
00:22:23,367 --> 00:22:25,297
AND DON'T
GET MAD 'CAUSE I'M CALLING YOU "BITCHES."
485
00:22:25,300 --> 00:22:28,270
I'M ONLY CALLING YOU
BITCHES 'CAUSE I DON'T KNOW YOUR NAMES INDIVIDUALLY.
486
00:22:28,266 --> 00:22:31,396
SHAMMA-NA-NAYA
SHABBA-DA-SHAT.
487
00:22:32,900 --> 00:22:35,070
I'M JUST SAYIN', LADIES,
I'M JUST SAYIN',
488
00:22:35,066 --> 00:22:37,466
YOU GOTTA BE THE SHIT
TO YOU, LADIES.
489
00:22:37,467 --> 00:22:38,967
YOU GOTTA BE
THE SHIT TO YOU.
490
00:22:38,967 --> 00:22:41,127
SOME OF Y'ALL STRESS
ENTIRELY TOO FUCKIN' MUCH
491
00:22:41,133 --> 00:22:43,473
ABOUT SHIT THAT NIGGAS
DON'T EVEN CARE ABOUT.
492
00:22:43,467 --> 00:22:44,997
NEVER IN THE HISTORY
OF NIGGADOM,
493
00:22:45,000 --> 00:22:47,370
HAS A NIGGA
BEEN GETTIN' READY TO FUCK A WOMAN,
494
00:22:47,367 --> 00:22:49,627
AND CHANGED HIS MIND
'CAUSE HER FINGERNAILS
495
00:22:49,633 --> 00:22:53,003
AND TOENAILS DIDN'T MATCH.
NOT ONCE! NOT NEVER!
496
00:22:53,000 --> 00:22:55,400
NEVER HAS A NIGGA
BEEN PUTTIN' A CONDOM ON, AND WENT,
497
00:22:55,400 --> 00:22:57,630
"BITCH, IS THAT
PLUM AND RED?
498
00:22:57,633 --> 00:23:00,803
I CAN'T EVEN DO IT, BITCH.
I CAN'T EVEN DO IT. I'M OUTTA HERE!"
499
00:23:00,800 --> 00:23:03,870
NOT ONCE!
NOT ONCE!
500
00:23:03,867 --> 00:23:06,127
Y'ALL BE WORRYING ABOUT SHIT,
DON'T EVEN MATTER.
501
00:23:06,133 --> 00:23:08,003
SOME OF YOU
DONE HAD SOME KIDS.
502
00:23:08,000 --> 00:23:09,630
NOW YOU GOT
SOME STRETCH MARKS.
503
00:23:09,633 --> 00:23:11,333
YOU WALKING AROUND
THE HOUSE BITTER
504
00:23:11,333 --> 00:23:12,803
BLAMING THE BABY,
505
00:23:12,800 --> 00:23:15,400
SHOWING THE BABY
YOUR HIGH SCHOOL PICTURE,
506
00:23:15,400 --> 00:23:17,270
"LOOK WHAT YOU
DID TO ME!"
507
00:23:18,700 --> 00:23:20,800
LADIES, IF YOUR MAN
GOT A STRETCH MARK--
508
00:23:20,800 --> 00:23:22,470
THAT'S MAD
ABOUT YOUR STRETCH MARKS,
509
00:23:22,467 --> 00:23:24,697
I SUGGEST
THAT YOU STOP FUCKING WITH BITCH NIGGAS.
510
00:23:24,700 --> 00:23:27,600
I THINK I SPEAK
FOR ALL REAL NIGGAS IN ATTENDANCE
511
00:23:27,600 --> 00:23:29,400
WHEN I SAY WE DON'T
HAVE TIME TO WORRY
512
00:23:29,400 --> 00:23:31,730
ABOUT NO SIMPLE SHIT
LIKE STRETCH MARKS.
513
00:23:31,734 --> 00:23:34,434
BITCH, WE KNOW
THEY EITHER CAME FROM ONE OF TWO THINGS--
514
00:23:34,433 --> 00:23:36,673
EITHER YOU WAS BIG
AND GOT SMALL,
515
00:23:36,667 --> 00:23:40,227
OR YOU WAS SMALL
AND GOT BIG!
516
00:23:40,233 --> 00:23:44,003
EITHER WAY, WE FUCKING.
EITHER WAY!
517
00:23:45,300 --> 00:23:47,470
LIFE IS TOO SHORT.
518
00:23:47,467 --> 00:23:50,267
IT'S ALL THE FUCK
I'M SAYING.
519
00:23:50,266 --> 00:23:52,666
LADIES, YOU GOTTA START
TAKING SOME RESPONSIBILITY
520
00:23:52,667 --> 00:23:54,727
FOR YOUR
OWN MISERABLE LIFE.
521
00:23:54,734 --> 00:23:56,804
IF YOU OVER 25 YEARS OLD,
YOU STILL WALKING AROUND HERE
522
00:23:56,800 --> 00:23:58,600
TALKING ABOUT
"NIGGAS AIN'T SHIT,"
523
00:23:58,600 --> 00:24:02,400
BITCH, YOU NEED TOROW
THE FUCK UP, WITH YOUR IRRESPONSIBLE ASS!
524
00:24:02,400 --> 00:24:03,900
WHAT YOU MEANT TO SAY,
525
00:24:03,900 --> 00:24:07,230
WAS ALL THE NIGGAS YOU
FUCK WITH AIN'T SHIT.
526
00:24:07,233 --> 00:24:09,003
THAT'S RIGHT.
527
00:24:09,000 --> 00:24:11,270
YOU NEED TO FIGURE OUT
WHAT IT IS ABOUT YOUR PUSSY
528
00:24:11,266 --> 00:24:13,296
THAT KEEP ATTRACTING
"AIN'T-SHIT" NIGGAS!
529
00:24:13,300 --> 00:24:15,870
MIGHT BE
"AIN'T-SHIT" PUSSY!
530
00:24:24,734 --> 00:24:27,134
JUST SAYING, LIFE IS SHORT.
THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING.
531
00:24:27,133 --> 00:24:29,773
YOU GOTTA ENJOY
YOUR MOTHERFUCKIN' LIFE.
532
00:24:29,767 --> 00:24:32,367
THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING.
IF WE DIDN'T LEARN SHIT FROM LOUISIANA,
533
00:24:32,367 --> 00:24:35,427
WE LEARNED YOU GOTTA BE HAPPY
ABOUT WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU GOT RIGHT NOW.
534
00:24:35,433 --> 00:24:38,273
YOU DON'T KNOW
WHAT THE FUCK MAY HAPPEN.
535
00:24:38,266 --> 00:24:40,466
THAT LOUISIANA SHIT,
THAT--
536
00:24:40,467 --> 00:24:42,367
THAT SHIT CHANGED
MY WHOLE FUCKIN' LIFE.
537
00:24:42,367 --> 00:24:44,797
I AIN'T NEVER SEEN NOTHING
THAT GODDAMN SAD.
538
00:24:44,800 --> 00:24:46,430
THERE'S GANGSTA NIGGAS
IN L.A.,
539
00:24:46,433 --> 00:24:49,003
THEM NIGGAS IN LOUISIANA
WAS GANGSTA THAN A MOTHERFUCKER.
540
00:24:49,000 --> 00:24:50,600
YOU CAN BE GANGSTA
IN GOOD WEATHER.
541
00:24:50,600 --> 00:24:54,470
THESE NIGGAS
WAS GANGSTA IN 99 FEET OF MOTHERFUCKIN' WATER.
542
00:24:54,467 --> 00:24:57,467
NIGGA, HOW IS YOU SWIMMING,
AND KEEPING YOUR PISTOL
543
00:24:57,467 --> 00:24:59,167
OUT THE WATER
AT THE SAME TIME?
544
00:24:59,166 --> 00:25:00,766
NIGGAS--
545
00:25:05,934 --> 00:25:07,804
IF THAT AIN'T
SOME GANGSTA SHIT!
546
00:25:07,800 --> 00:25:10,800
Y'ALL BEEN ALL THAT!
I'M KATT. THANK YOU SO MUCH!
547
00:25:14,834 --> 00:25:17,834
Epps:
KATT WILLIAMS!
548
00:25:19,467 --> 00:25:20,827
YEAH!
549
00:25:20,834 --> 00:25:23,174
ALL RIGHT, MAN, I'D LIKE
TO THANK Y'ALL FOR COMING--
550
00:25:23,166 --> 00:25:25,766
RUSSELL SIMMONS, Y'ALL!
RUSSL SIMMONS!
551
00:25:28,633 --> 00:25:31,133
THANK YOU FOR COMIN' OUT,
GOD BLESS YOU. GOOD NIGHT!
552
00:25:31,133 --> 00:25:34,473
( theme music playing )
553
00:25:34,523 --> 00:25:39,073
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