All language subtitles for Def Comedy Jam s08e04.eng

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:16,533 --> 00:00:18,033 ( theme music playing ) 2 00:00:18,033 --> 00:00:19,673 Kid Capri: IT'S THE ONE AND ONLY 3 00:00:19,667 --> 00:00:21,967 RUSSELL SIMMONS' DEF COMEDY JAM! 4 00:00:21,967 --> 00:00:24,667 WITH YOUR HOST, MIKE EPPS! 5 00:00:25,533 --> 00:00:26,933 TONIGHT'S GUESTS-- 6 00:00:26,934 --> 00:00:28,304 KEVIN HART, 7 00:00:28,300 --> 00:00:29,930 MELANIE COMARCHO, 8 00:00:29,934 --> 00:00:31,504 AND KATT WILLIAMS. 9 00:00:34,867 --> 00:00:37,127 I'M YOUR MAN, THE WORLD'S GREATEST DJ, 10 00:00:37,133 --> 00:00:38,533 THE KID CAPRI! 11 00:00:38,533 --> 00:00:40,673 AND WE ARE BACK! 12 00:00:42,400 --> 00:00:44,430 AND NOW THE HOST-- 13 00:00:44,433 --> 00:00:46,273 MIKE EPPS! 14 00:00:55,533 --> 00:00:57,003 YEAH! 15 00:00:57,000 --> 00:00:59,970 GO ON, SIT YOUR MOTHERFUCKIN' ASS DOWN! 16 00:00:59,967 --> 00:01:02,467 YEAH! WHAT'S UP, WHAT'S UP? 17 00:01:04,834 --> 00:01:07,734 LET'S GET IT UP FOR THE HOTTEST MOTHERFUCKIN' DJ EVER-- 18 00:01:07,734 --> 00:01:09,934 KID CAPRI, Y'ALL, COME ON NOW! 19 00:01:12,834 --> 00:01:15,474 Y'ALL NIGGAS KILL FOR RECREATION OUT HERE! 20 00:01:15,467 --> 00:01:18,527 ALL KINDA PIMPS AND PLAYERS OUT HERE TONIGHT. 21 00:01:18,533 --> 00:01:20,373 THAT'S RIGHT! 22 00:01:21,867 --> 00:01:25,027 ALL THE FELLAS, YOU BEEN SLIDING THE THUG UP IN THE LADIES. 23 00:01:25,033 --> 00:01:26,773 LOOK AT THIS LADY WITH THE LOW HAIRCUT. 24 00:01:26,767 --> 00:01:29,767 I CAN'T FUCK A LADY WITH A LOW HAIRCUT! 25 00:01:29,767 --> 00:01:32,867 MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE YOU FUCKIN' YOUR BUDDY ANTOINE OR SOMETHIN'! 26 00:01:32,867 --> 00:01:36,027 TURN YOUR HEAD AROUND, BITCH, THAT FADE LOOK TOO GOOD! 27 00:01:39,633 --> 00:01:41,673 I CAN'T WEAR THAT MUCH JEWELRY, MAN. 28 00:01:41,667 --> 00:01:43,667 THE STICK-UP MAN OUT HERE ARE FOR REAL. 29 00:01:43,667 --> 00:01:47,027 IT'S A KNOWN FACT. YOU WILL GET JACKED IN L.A. 30 00:01:48,000 --> 00:01:50,970 AND YOU WON'T GET SHIT BACK! 31 00:01:50,967 --> 00:01:52,527 NIGGA'LL BE PUTTIN' A PISTOL ON YOU, 32 00:01:52,533 --> 00:01:53,833 BREATH SMELL LIKE COURVOISIER, 33 00:01:53,834 --> 00:01:56,174 "YOU KNOW WHERE IT IS!" 34 00:01:56,166 --> 00:01:57,566 "NIGGA, YOU KNOW WHERE IT IS--" 35 00:01:57,567 --> 00:02:00,767 NIGGA LIPS ALL ON YOUR EAR, "YOU KNOW--" 36 00:02:00,767 --> 00:02:02,227 "WHAT-- GET OFF MY NECK! 37 00:02:02,233 --> 00:02:03,803 IS YOU GONNA PUT A HICKEY ON MY NECK 38 00:02:03,800 --> 00:02:06,770 WHILE YOU ROBBIN' ME, BITCH-ASS NIGGA?" 39 00:02:12,433 --> 00:02:14,133 I REMEMBER A NIGGA ROBBED ME ONE TIME, 40 00:02:14,133 --> 00:02:15,773 I TRIED TO ACT LIKE I KNEW THE NIGGA, 41 00:02:15,767 --> 00:02:17,827 AND TRIED TO HUG HIM. 42 00:02:21,633 --> 00:02:23,233 HE WAS LIKE, "NIGGA, YOU KNOW WHAT--" 43 00:02:23,233 --> 00:02:26,003 I WAS LIKE, "MAN, WHAT--" "WE ARE NOT PLAYIN'! 44 00:02:26,000 --> 00:02:28,530 NIGGA, WE ARE NOT PLAYIN'." 45 00:02:34,133 --> 00:02:35,633 SOME NIGGAS ROBBED ME ONE TIME, 46 00:02:35,633 --> 00:02:37,673 AND PUT ME IN THE TRUNK, AND JUST RODE AROUND. 47 00:02:39,233 --> 00:02:42,333 SO I BEAT ON THE BACK SEAT AND SAID, "PLAY THAT SNOOP DOGG AGAIN!" 48 00:02:42,333 --> 00:02:44,973 THEY WAS LIKE "SHUT UP, NIGGA!" 49 00:02:44,967 --> 00:02:48,027 Y'ALL READY FOR SOME COMEDY? COME ON, COME ON, COME ON, COME ON! 50 00:02:52,266 --> 00:02:54,166 COMING TO THE STAGE, 51 00:02:54,166 --> 00:02:56,266 STRAIGHT UP OUT OF PHILADELPHIA, 52 00:02:56,266 --> 00:02:58,466 GIVE IT UP FOR KEVIN HART! 53 00:03:05,367 --> 00:03:07,027 AH! 54 00:03:07,033 --> 00:03:09,403 CUT IT OFF, KID. CUT THE MUSIC OFF! 55 00:03:09,400 --> 00:03:10,870 OFF! 56 00:03:10,867 --> 00:03:12,597 HOW Y'ALL DOIN', GOOD? EVERYBODY GOOD? 57 00:03:12,600 --> 00:03:14,700 GIVE MIKE A ROUND OF APPLAUSE, 58 00:03:14,700 --> 00:03:16,930 OUT HERE WORKING HARD FOR Y'ALL, MIKE! 59 00:03:18,100 --> 00:03:20,470 DOIN' WHAT HE DO! 60 00:03:20,467 --> 00:03:23,467 IN A GOOD MOOD, PEOPLE, FEELIN' MYSELF RIGHT NOW. 61 00:03:23,467 --> 00:03:26,467 I'M A DAD, THAT'S WHY. JUST HAD A BABY GIRL NOT TOO LONG AGO. 62 00:03:26,467 --> 00:03:28,567 YEAH-HEY! 63 00:03:28,567 --> 00:03:30,327 MY SPERM WORKS! 64 00:03:30,333 --> 00:03:32,833 I'M EXCITED ABOUT THAT SHIT. HAD A FUCKING GIRL. 65 00:03:32,834 --> 00:03:35,574 I DID NOT WANT A DAUGHTER, MAN! SHIT! 66 00:03:35,567 --> 00:03:38,067 I'M GONNA TELL YOU THE SCARY PART ABOUT HAVING A DAUGHTER THOUGH, 67 00:03:38,066 --> 00:03:41,026 IS THAT I KNOW SHE'S GONNA EXPECT ME TO PROTECT HER. 68 00:03:41,033 --> 00:03:43,873 'CAUSE I'M HER DAD. SHE WILL COME TO ME WITH THAT "DAD" SHIT, 69 00:03:43,867 --> 00:03:45,227 YOU KNOW, "DAD, HE HIT ME." 70 00:03:45,233 --> 00:03:46,633 THAT TYPE OF SHIT, AND I'M NOT A FIGHTER, MAN. 71 00:03:46,633 --> 00:03:48,873 THAT'S NOT MY SHIT, MAN, LIKE-- 72 00:03:48,867 --> 00:03:52,327 AT LEAST I'M HONEST ABOUT IT. WOMEN, STOP EXPECTING EVERY MAN TO BE A FIGHTER. 73 00:03:52,333 --> 00:03:54,873 THAT'S NOT ME. I'M VERY HONEST ABOUT THIS SHIT. 74 00:03:54,867 --> 00:03:57,427 LIKE IF YOU WITH ME, AND A GUY COMES UP AND SMACKS YOU, 75 00:03:57,433 --> 00:03:59,603 THEN YOU JUST GOT SMACKED. THAT'S SOMETHIN'-- 76 00:03:59,600 --> 00:04:01,930 NO, LISTEN-- 77 00:04:01,934 --> 00:04:04,504 I'M JUST TELLIN' Y'ALL, OKAY? 78 00:04:04,500 --> 00:04:06,930 NOW, WE COULD TALK ABOUT IT 79 00:04:06,934 --> 00:04:09,334 WHEN WE GET IN THE CAR, YOU KNOW? 80 00:04:09,333 --> 00:04:11,633 LET'S FIGURE OUT WHY IT HAPPENED, 81 00:04:11,633 --> 00:04:13,433 AND SEE WHAT WE CAN DO 82 00:04:13,433 --> 00:04:16,333 TO PREVENT IT FROM HAPPENING AGAIN. 83 00:04:16,333 --> 00:04:18,473 BUT AS FAR AS ME DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT RIGHT THEN AND THERE, 84 00:04:18,467 --> 00:04:20,667 I DON'T REALLY SEE THAT SHIT HAPPENING. 85 00:04:20,667 --> 00:04:22,597 IF A NIGGA DIDN'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT PUNCHING YOU IN THE EYE, 86 00:04:22,600 --> 00:04:24,200 WHAT MAKES YOU THINK HE GIVES A FUCK ABOUT MY EYE? 87 00:04:24,200 --> 00:04:25,870 THAT'S HOW I'M LOOKING AT IT! 88 00:04:25,867 --> 00:04:28,027 TWO BLACK EYES DON'T EQUAL 20-20 VISION. 89 00:04:28,033 --> 00:04:29,633 I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHAT YOU SAY! 90 00:04:29,633 --> 00:04:32,273 I'M A WITNESS. THAT'S WHAT I'M GOOD AT. 91 00:04:32,266 --> 00:04:33,896 JUST PUT THE ICE PACK ON. 92 00:04:33,900 --> 00:04:36,230 I'M GONNA TELL YOU WHAT HE DID, I SAW IT. 93 00:04:36,233 --> 00:04:37,873 I'M NOT A FIGHTER! THAT'S NOT MY SHIT. 94 00:04:37,867 --> 00:04:40,297 I THINK IT TAKES A SMART MAN TO KNOW WHEN TO FIGHT 95 00:04:40,300 --> 00:04:42,300 AND WHEN NOT TO FIGHT. I'M REAL GOOD AT THAT. 96 00:04:42,300 --> 00:04:44,800 I CAN JUDGE WHEN TO FIGHT AND WHEN NOT TO FIGHT. 97 00:04:44,800 --> 00:04:46,800 PERFECT EXAMPLE, RIGHT-- I'M AT BEST BUY 98 00:04:46,800 --> 00:04:49,400 IN THE PARKING LOT, WITH MY MOM, LOOKIN' FOR A PARKING SPOT. 99 00:04:49,400 --> 00:04:51,900 THERE'S A NIGGA, IN THIS CAR GETTING READY TO BACK INTO A PARKING SPOT, 100 00:04:51,900 --> 00:04:53,600 BUT HE WAS TAKING TOO LONG, SO I STOLE IT. 101 00:04:53,600 --> 00:04:55,370 I JUST PULLED IN THE SHIT REAL FAST. 102 00:04:55,367 --> 00:04:57,767 NOW YOU KNOW WHEN YOU WRONG, 'CAUSE YOU PUT YOUR HEAD DOWN 103 00:04:57,767 --> 00:05:00,097 AND ROLL YOUR WINDOWS UP REAL QUICK. 104 00:05:00,100 --> 00:05:03,000 YOU START HUMMIN', "HMM, HMM, HMM, 105 00:05:03,000 --> 00:05:04,700 HMM-HMM, HMM..." 106 00:05:04,700 --> 00:05:06,500 SOME TRUE SHIT. CHINESE DUDE, RIGHT? 107 00:05:06,500 --> 00:05:07,900 SO HE GET OUT THE CAR, HE'S LIKE, 108 00:05:07,900 --> 00:05:09,500 "HEY, MAN, I KNOW YOU SAW ME WAITING ON THAT SPOT!" 109 00:05:09,500 --> 00:05:11,670 AND I'M WITH MY MOM, SO I AIN'T GONNA BE A BITCH. 110 00:05:11,667 --> 00:05:13,667 I'M LIKE, "I DIDN'T SEE SHIT." HE'S LIKE, "YO, 111 00:05:13,667 --> 00:05:16,097 EITHER YOU PULL OUT THE SPOT OR WE GONNA HAVE A PROBLEM." 112 00:05:16,100 --> 00:05:18,070 "WELL, I GUESS WE GOT A FUCKIN' PROBLEM." 113 00:05:18,066 --> 00:05:20,996 I'M GONNA TELL YOU HOW I KNEW THAT I DIDN'T WANT THIS PROBLEM. 114 00:05:21,000 --> 00:05:22,530 SOME TRUE SHIT, THIS IS WHAT HE DID. 115 00:05:22,533 --> 00:05:25,133 HE SAID, "OH, SO WE GOT A PROBLEM?" 116 00:05:33,867 --> 00:05:36,897 "GET IN THE CAR, MOM, GET IN THE CAR." 117 00:05:36,900 --> 00:05:38,870 "WHERE ARE WE GO--" "SHUT UP AND GET IN THE CAR, 118 00:05:38,867 --> 00:05:41,127 BEFORE THE NIGGA KICK US BOTH IN THE HEAD!" 119 00:05:41,133 --> 00:05:43,833 ANY NIGGA SMACK HIS KNEES IS A ATHLETE, 120 00:05:43,834 --> 00:05:45,634 I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHAT YOU SAY. 121 00:05:45,633 --> 00:05:48,473 THAT SHIT IS FOLLOWED BY A KICK TO THE FACE, NIGGA, 122 00:05:48,467 --> 00:05:50,267 I KNOW WHAT THAT'S FOLLOWED BY. 123 00:05:50,266 --> 00:05:52,866 I'M GONNA TELL YOU WHAT-- I'M A SCUFFLER. THAT'S WHAT I AM. 124 00:05:52,867 --> 00:05:54,967 I'M A GREAT SCUFFLER. YOU KNOW WHAT A SCUFFLER IS? 125 00:05:54,967 --> 00:05:56,927 ALL IT IS, THAT'S A NIGGA 126 00:05:56,934 --> 00:05:59,374 THAT IT'S REAL HARD TO GET A HOLD OF. 127 00:05:59,367 --> 00:06:01,627 THAT'S ALL. IT'S REAL HARD TO GRAB ME. 128 00:06:01,633 --> 00:06:04,233 I'M A BRILLIANT SCUFFLER. "GET BACK, NIGGA!" 129 00:06:10,400 --> 00:06:13,200 TAKE A LOT TO GET ME, NIGGA. IT TAKE A LOT! 130 00:06:13,200 --> 00:06:16,600 YOU GOTTA BE PATIENT TO FIGHT ME, NIGGA, TAKE A LOT OF TIME! 131 00:06:17,867 --> 00:06:20,527 I GOT INTO A SCUFFLE WITH THIS NIGGA AT THE GYM. 132 00:06:20,533 --> 00:06:22,933 SOME TRUE SHIT! SOME NAKED DUDE. 133 00:06:22,934 --> 00:06:25,704 SOME NAKED DUDE AT THE GYM TRIED TO HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH ME. 134 00:06:25,700 --> 00:06:27,530 I DON'T WANNA TALK TO YOU WHILE YOUR DICK IS OUT, 135 00:06:27,533 --> 00:06:29,133 I DON'T LIKE THAT, YOU KNOW? 136 00:06:29,133 --> 00:06:31,273 YOU WAIT TILL YOU PUT THAT UP, THEN WE CAN TALK. 137 00:06:31,266 --> 00:06:33,126 THEN WE CAN FINISH THIS CONVERSATION. 138 00:06:33,133 --> 00:06:35,703 'CAUSE I GOT A LITTLE BUTT, THAT'S THE FIRST THING I THINK ABOUT. 139 00:06:35,700 --> 00:06:38,870 ON SOME REAL SHIT, LIKE IF A NIGGA REALLY WANTED TO RAPE ME, 140 00:06:38,867 --> 00:06:40,997 WHAT CAN I REALLY DO? BE HONEST. 141 00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:42,900 LIKE IF YOU GET PAST MY SCUFFLE, THAT'S IT! 142 00:06:42,900 --> 00:06:45,130 I GOTTA TAKE ONE FOR THE TEAM. 143 00:06:45,133 --> 00:06:48,333 THAT'S ALL I GOT. IF YOU GET PAST MY SCUFFLE-- 144 00:06:48,333 --> 00:06:49,933 'HEY, GET THE FUCK OFF!" 145 00:06:55,433 --> 00:06:56,573 ( shrieks ) 146 00:07:02,533 --> 00:07:06,033 THAT'S IT, NIGGA! 147 00:07:07,700 --> 00:07:10,000 I DON'T WANT THAT PROBLEM! 148 00:07:10,000 --> 00:07:12,330 I DON'T LIKE THAT. I DON'T WANT THAT AT ALL. 149 00:07:12,333 --> 00:07:14,533 I'M GONNA SHOW YOU WHAT KEEPS ME FROM BEING TOUGH. 150 00:07:14,533 --> 00:07:17,303 LOOK AT THIS SHIT. LOOK AT THIS. THIS IS HOLDING ME BACK. 151 00:07:17,300 --> 00:07:20,070 LOOK AT THIS SHIT RIGHT HERE. 152 00:07:20,066 --> 00:07:21,926 THIS IS FUCKIN' ME UP! 153 00:07:21,934 --> 00:07:23,734 AIN'T NOTHIN' TOUGH ABOUT THIS, 154 00:07:23,734 --> 00:07:25,104 I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHAT YOU SAY. 155 00:07:25,100 --> 00:07:26,630 IF YOU SWING YOUR FEET, IT DON'T MATTER. 156 00:07:26,633 --> 00:07:28,103 AIN'T NOTHING TOUGH ABOUT THIS SHIT. 157 00:07:28,100 --> 00:07:32,000 "I WILL KILL EVERYBODY IN THIS BITCH TONIGHT, NIGGA! 158 00:07:32,000 --> 00:07:35,500 AIN'T A FUCKIN' GAME! 159 00:07:35,500 --> 00:07:39,400 THINK I'M PLAYIN' WITH Y'ALL?" 160 00:07:39,400 --> 00:07:41,200 NIGGAS JUST WALK UP, "PUSH HIM OUT THE CHAIR." 161 00:07:41,200 --> 00:07:43,670 "WHAT-- HEY, NIGGA, WAIT A MINUTE!" 162 00:07:43,667 --> 00:07:45,467 THAT'S IT. 163 00:07:45,467 --> 00:07:48,097 I'M TRYIN' THOUGH. I'M WORKIN' ON SOME SHIT, MAN. 164 00:07:48,100 --> 00:07:49,830 I JUST DON'T LIKE TO FUCKIN' FIGHT, MAN. 165 00:07:49,834 --> 00:07:52,104 EVEN WITH MY LADY, I'M MARRIED, WE FUCKIN' FIGHT. 166 00:07:52,100 --> 00:07:53,930 ME AND MY LADY GET INTO IT ALL THE TIME. 167 00:07:53,934 --> 00:07:55,834 YOU EVER FIGHT A GIRL? 168 00:07:55,834 --> 00:07:58,004 NEVER. YOU NEVER PUNCHED A GIRL IN THE STOMACH? 169 00:07:58,000 --> 00:07:59,900 GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE, EVERY MAN-- 170 00:07:59,900 --> 00:08:01,830 EVERY MAN HAS PUNCHED A GIRL IN THE STOMACH 171 00:08:01,834 --> 00:08:03,334 AT SOME POINT IN TIME IN HIS LIFE. 172 00:08:03,333 --> 00:08:05,873 THAT'S HOW YOU SHOW A WOMAN THAT YOU REALLY LOVE HER. 173 00:08:07,033 --> 00:08:09,633 MMM! HIT HER, JUST ONE GOOD TIME. 174 00:08:09,633 --> 00:08:12,673 SOME REAL SHIT-- ME AND MY WIFE, WE GOT INTO A FIST FIGHT. 175 00:08:12,667 --> 00:08:14,297 SOME TRUE SHIT, MAN! 176 00:08:14,300 --> 00:08:15,830 I'M GONNA TELL YOU WHY. WE GOT INTO A FIGHT 177 00:08:15,834 --> 00:08:17,904 'CAUSE WE MOVED INTO A NEW HOUSE, RIGHT? 178 00:08:17,900 --> 00:08:20,230 SO I'M TRYING TO LAY DOWN THE RULES FOR THE NEW HOUSE. 179 00:08:20,233 --> 00:08:21,733 I'M LIKE, "LOOK, THIS A NEW HOUSE. 180 00:08:21,734 --> 00:08:23,704 I'M NOT GONNA TOLERATE THE SAME SHIT 181 00:08:23,700 --> 00:08:25,730 THAT I TOLERATED IN THE OLD HOUSE, OKAY? 182 00:08:25,734 --> 00:08:28,404 NEW HOUSE, NEW FUCKIN' RULES." 183 00:08:28,400 --> 00:08:30,330 NOW, WHILE I'M LAYING DOWN MY RULES, 184 00:08:30,333 --> 00:08:31,703 SHE WASN'T LISTENING, SO I GOT MAD. 185 00:08:31,700 --> 00:08:33,530 I WAS GONNA TRY TO GRAB HER AND SHAKE HER. 186 00:08:33,533 --> 00:08:36,203 THAT WAS MY PLAN. I WANTED TO SHAKE HER THREE TIMES. BANG, BANG, BANG. 187 00:08:36,200 --> 00:08:37,830 THAT'S ALL I WANTED TO DO. BANG, BANG, BANG, 188 00:08:37,834 --> 00:08:39,534 GO BACK TO MY ARGUMENT. 189 00:08:39,533 --> 00:08:42,473 BUT BEFORE I GRABBED HER, SHE HIT ME REAL FAST-- LIKE RIGHT IN THE EYE. 190 00:08:42,467 --> 00:08:44,497 SHE WAS LIKE POW, IT WAS QUICK AS SHIT. 191 00:08:44,500 --> 00:08:47,270 IT CAUGHT ME OFF GUARD, 'CAUSE IT LOOKED LIKE SHE WAS LISTENING, 192 00:08:47,266 --> 00:08:49,066 SHE'S LIKE, "MMM-HMM, YEAH--" MMM! 193 00:08:50,133 --> 00:08:53,633 NIGGA, YOU-- YOU EVER GET HIT SO HARD 194 00:08:53,633 --> 00:08:55,703 THAT YOU GOTTA START HAVING A CONVERSATION RIGHT AWAY 195 00:08:55,700 --> 00:08:57,200 JUST TO SLOW THE SHIT UP? 196 00:08:57,200 --> 00:08:58,900 THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED, 'CAUSE I DIDN'T EXPECT IT. 197 00:08:58,900 --> 00:09:01,530 IT CAUGHT ME OFF GUARD. I WAS LIKE, "LOOK, IF I PAY THE FUCKIN' BILLS, 198 00:09:01,533 --> 00:09:03,733 THEN YOU NEED TO LISTEN. IF YOU DON'T WANNA LISTEN TO ME, 199 00:09:03,734 --> 00:09:05,604 THEN WE-- BITCH! WAIT A MINUTE! 200 00:09:05,600 --> 00:09:08,000 WAIT A-- OKAY, CUT THE TV OFF. WHERE THE KIDS AT? 201 00:09:08,000 --> 00:09:09,470 LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING. 202 00:09:09,467 --> 00:09:11,867 I WANNA TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND, OKAY? 203 00:09:11,867 --> 00:09:13,567 FIRST OF ALL, WE DON'T PRAY. 204 00:09:13,567 --> 00:09:16,527 A COUPLE THAT PRAYS TOGETHER, STAYS TOGETHER, EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT. 205 00:09:16,533 --> 00:09:19,603 NOW-- BITCH! YOU GONNA HIT ME WHEN I'M TALKING ABOUT JESUS? 206 00:09:19,600 --> 00:09:21,530 THAT'S WHEN YOU GONNA PUT YOUR HANDS ON ME? 207 00:09:22,633 --> 00:09:24,603 I KNEW I LOST, THOUGH. 208 00:09:24,600 --> 00:09:26,500 I KNEW THAT I DIDN'T WIN. 209 00:09:26,500 --> 00:09:28,330 TELL YOU HOW I KNEW THAT I LOST THE FIGHT-- 210 00:09:28,333 --> 00:09:29,933 'CAUSE WHEN THE COPS CAME TO MY HOUSE, 211 00:09:29,934 --> 00:09:33,134 THE COPS ASKED ME DID I WANNA PRESS CHARGES. 212 00:09:33,133 --> 00:09:34,833 THAT'S HOW I KNOW. 213 00:09:34,834 --> 00:09:36,704 NOW, THAT'S HOW I KNOW 214 00:09:36,700 --> 00:09:38,830 THAT IT DIDN'T GO THE WAY I PLANNED IT TO. 215 00:09:38,834 --> 00:09:40,504 'CAUSE AT FIRST, I THOUGHT IT WAS A TIE. 216 00:09:40,500 --> 00:09:43,630 BUT THE WAY THE COP LOOKED AT ME, I COULD TELL SOMETHING WAS WRONG. 217 00:09:43,633 --> 00:09:45,373 THE WAY HE LOOKED. 'CAUSE HE WAS LIKE, 218 00:09:45,367 --> 00:09:47,827 "OH, NO! OH, SHIT! 219 00:09:47,834 --> 00:09:50,134 UM... 220 00:09:50,133 --> 00:09:52,773 FUCK, MAN. UH... 221 00:09:52,767 --> 00:09:54,667 DO-- DO YOU WANNA PRESS CHARGES?" 222 00:09:54,667 --> 00:09:56,967 AND I WAS LIKE, "WHAT?! YOU ASKING ME, 223 00:09:56,967 --> 00:09:59,227 DO I WANNA-- NO, YOU NEED TO BE ASKING HER THAT SHIT." 224 00:09:59,233 --> 00:10:01,903 HE'S LIKE, "FROM THE LOOKS OF THINGS, NO, I DON'T, OKAY? 225 00:10:01,900 --> 00:10:04,730 LOOK AT YOUR DAMN FACE, MAN! LOOK AT YOUR FACE!" 226 00:10:04,734 --> 00:10:07,034 AND WHEN HE TOLD ME TO LOOK AT MY FACE, I GOT EMOTIONAL. 227 00:10:07,033 --> 00:10:09,873 HAVE YOU EVER TRIED TO TELL SOMEBODY WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU WHEN YOU WERE EMOTIONAL? 228 00:10:09,867 --> 00:10:11,767 IT'S VERY DIFFICULT TO GET THROUGH THE STORY 229 00:10:11,767 --> 00:10:14,027 BECAUSE YOUR EMOTIONS START TO GET THE BEST OF YOU. 230 00:10:14,033 --> 00:10:16,003 THEY TAKE OVER THE STORY, THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS. 231 00:10:16,000 --> 00:10:17,800 I WAS LIKE, "YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT HAPPENED? 232 00:10:17,800 --> 00:10:20,070 ALL RIGHT, FUCK IT. OKAY, SHIT. 233 00:10:20,066 --> 00:10:22,096 UM... ALL RIGHT. 234 00:10:22,100 --> 00:10:24,100 FUCK IT. 235 00:10:24,100 --> 00:10:26,070 OKAY, I'M IN A-- 236 00:10:26,066 --> 00:10:27,766 I'M IN A-- 237 00:10:27,767 --> 00:10:30,627 ( stammering ) I'M IN THE KITCHEN, RIGHT? 238 00:10:30,633 --> 00:10:32,603 AND LIKE, LIKE, LIKE, 239 00:10:32,600 --> 00:10:34,230 LIKE WHILE I'M-- 240 00:10:34,233 --> 00:10:36,233 LIKE WHILE I'M SITTIN' AT THE KITCHEN, 241 00:10:36,233 --> 00:10:37,833 ( whines ) SHE GONNA LIKE-- SHE GONNA... 242 00:10:37,834 --> 00:10:40,634 SHE GONNA FUCKIN'-- SHE GONNA FUCKIN' COME AROUND 243 00:10:40,633 --> 00:10:43,733 AND, AND-- SHE GONNA FUCKIN' COME AROUND, 244 00:10:43,734 --> 00:10:45,704 AND FUCKIN'-- AND LIKE, 245 00:10:45,700 --> 00:10:48,530 SHE WANT FUCKIN' PUT HER FINGER ALL IN MY FACE! 246 00:10:48,533 --> 00:10:51,633 AND I LIKE, LIKE-- I WAS LIKE-- 247 00:10:51,633 --> 00:10:53,933 I WAS LIKE-- I SAID-- 248 00:10:53,934 --> 00:10:56,634 I WAS LIKE-- I SAID, I SAID-- 249 00:10:56,633 --> 00:10:58,433 I WAS LIKE, I SAID, 250 00:10:58,433 --> 00:11:01,903 "DON'T PUT YOUR FUCKIN' HAND IN MY FACE!" 251 00:11:01,900 --> 00:11:04,570 Y'ALL BEEN A GREAT CROWD! MY NAME'S KEV HART. 252 00:11:12,100 --> 00:11:13,970 KEVIN HART, Y'ALL! 253 00:11:15,934 --> 00:11:19,304 ONE MORE TIME FOR KID CAPRI. COME ON, Y'ALL! 254 00:11:23,934 --> 00:11:25,004 WHAT, SAY WHAT? 255 00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:27,730 ( women, man yelling ) 256 00:11:27,734 --> 00:11:31,234 I CAN'T-- COULD YOU KILL YOURSELF LATER ON TONIGHT? 257 00:11:34,467 --> 00:11:37,367 WHO IN THE FUCK IS THAT UP THERE? 258 00:11:37,367 --> 00:11:40,167 ( screaming ) 259 00:11:40,166 --> 00:11:42,496 SOUND LIKE A RETARDED NIGGA NAMED "JUNIOR"-- 260 00:11:42,500 --> 00:11:44,100 ( groans ) 261 00:11:48,133 --> 00:11:50,503 EVER SEEN 'EM LITTLE STRONG, RETARDED-LOOKIN' DUDES? 262 00:11:50,500 --> 00:11:52,070 ( groans ) 263 00:11:57,900 --> 00:12:00,530 NIGGA MOVE FURNITURE. PEOPLE HIRE HIM 264 00:12:00,533 --> 00:12:02,333 TO MOVE FURNITURE ALL THE TIME. 265 00:12:02,333 --> 00:12:05,703 "PICK THAT REFRIGERATOR UP!" ( groans ) 266 00:12:07,967 --> 00:12:11,397 "DID THAT NIGGA JUST PICK A REFRIGERATOR UP WITH ONE HAND?" 267 00:12:13,133 --> 00:12:15,873 SO WE GONNA HAVE A GOOD TIME? Y'ALL READY TO HAVE SOME MORE FUN? COME ON! 268 00:12:19,567 --> 00:12:21,067 COMING TO THE STAGE-- 269 00:12:21,066 --> 00:12:23,366 IT AIN'T SAFE WHEN IT'S HER ASS 270 00:12:23,367 --> 00:12:24,967 STEP UP ON THE STAGE I'M TELLING YOU. 271 00:12:24,967 --> 00:12:27,167 STRAIGHT OUT OF CALIFORNIA, Y'ALL GONNA LOVE HER. 272 00:12:27,166 --> 00:12:29,266 SHE'S A BAD MOTHERFUCKER! 273 00:12:29,266 --> 00:12:32,366 GIVE IT UP FOR MELANIE COMARCHO, COME ON, Y'ALL! 274 00:12:40,200 --> 00:12:43,330 HELLO, WHAT'S HAPPENIN'? HOW Y'ALL DOIN'? 275 00:12:43,333 --> 00:12:46,973 ALL THE LADIES IN THE HOUSE, MAKE SOME NOISE, LADIES! 276 00:12:46,967 --> 00:12:49,267 - ( women cheering ) - WHOO! 277 00:12:49,266 --> 00:12:50,966 WHERE MY INDEPENDENT WOMEN AT? 278 00:12:50,967 --> 00:12:53,067 MAKE SOME NOISE, INDEPENDENT WOMEN! 279 00:12:53,066 --> 00:12:54,066 WAIT, WAIT-- 280 00:12:54,066 --> 00:12:55,526 WAIT, HOLD UP, HOLD UP, WAIT A MINUTE. 281 00:12:55,533 --> 00:12:57,603 Y'ALL MUST NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT A INDEPENDENT WOMAN IS. 282 00:12:57,600 --> 00:13:00,970 I'M TALKIN' ABOUT, GOT YOUR OWN PLACE, 283 00:13:00,967 --> 00:13:03,297 GOT A JOB, 284 00:13:03,300 --> 00:13:05,270 PAYIN' ALL YOUR BILLS. WHERE Y'ALL AT? 285 00:13:05,266 --> 00:13:07,466 MAKE SOME NOISE UP IN HERE! 286 00:13:07,467 --> 00:13:09,367 WE ALL OVER! 287 00:13:09,367 --> 00:13:11,567 'CAUSE WE HANDLIN' OURS, WE HANDLIN' OURS. 288 00:13:11,567 --> 00:13:14,567 WE GETS DOWN. WE DO EVERYTHING. WE HANDLIN' OURS. 289 00:13:14,567 --> 00:13:16,727 WE REPRESENTIN' IN THIS NEW MILLENNIUM. 290 00:13:16,734 --> 00:13:19,574 AND THE HATERS GOTTA COME OUT, BECAUSE WE HANDLIN' OUR BUSINESS, 291 00:13:19,567 --> 00:13:21,127 HATIN' ON US, TALKIN' ABOUT US, 292 00:13:21,133 --> 00:13:23,503 HOW WE NAME OUR KIDS. 293 00:13:23,500 --> 00:13:26,970 "WHERE'S SHAKANEEKA GONNA FIND A JOB AT?" 294 00:13:26,967 --> 00:13:30,097 "WHERE'S ALEEKA GONNA FIND A JOB AT?" 295 00:13:30,100 --> 00:13:34,470 "THE SAME PLACE CONDOLEEZZA "SHAMEEKA" RICE FOUND ONE, HELLO!" 296 00:13:34,467 --> 00:13:38,097 DON'T GET IT TWISTED, 'CAUSE OPRAH "LUCRETIA" WINFREY 297 00:13:38,100 --> 00:13:39,900 GOT A JOB TOO, OKAY? 298 00:13:39,900 --> 00:13:42,300 TWO MOST POWERFUL WOMEN IN THIS COUNTRY'S WORKIN'. 299 00:13:42,300 --> 00:13:44,430 DON'T YOU EVEN WORRY ABOUT WHERE WE GONNA WORK. 300 00:13:44,433 --> 00:13:46,303 WE HANDLIN' OURS, WE DOIN' WHAT WE-- 301 00:13:46,300 --> 00:13:48,230 AIN'T NOTHIN' WE CAN'T DO. AIN'T NO SUCH THING 302 00:13:48,233 --> 00:13:51,573 AS A "MISSION IMPOSSIBLE" FOR A INDEPENDENT WOMAN, HELLO! 303 00:13:51,567 --> 00:13:53,497 SHH, PLEASE. 304 00:13:53,500 --> 00:13:57,630 I DONE TOOK A THOUSAND DOLLARS, PAID THE RENT, LIGHT, GAS, PHONE BILL, 305 00:13:57,633 --> 00:13:59,633 BOUGHT A BAG OF WEED, HALF A TANK OF GAS, 306 00:13:59,633 --> 00:14:02,473 AND STILL HAD $20 LEFT. 307 00:14:02,467 --> 00:14:05,567 YOU BETTER ASK SOME-GODDAMN-BODY! 308 00:14:05,567 --> 00:14:08,097 STILL HAD $20! WE CAN MAKE IT HAPPEN. 309 00:14:08,100 --> 00:14:11,970 MATTER OF FACT, ONLY MISSION EVEN CAME CLOSE TO BEING IMPOSSIBLE 310 00:14:11,967 --> 00:14:14,127 WAS FINDING A GOOD MAN, WITH SOME GOOD CREDIT, 311 00:14:14,133 --> 00:14:16,103 A GOOD JOB, AND SOME GOOD DICK. 312 00:14:16,100 --> 00:14:17,570 HELLO? 313 00:14:18,734 --> 00:14:20,574 NOW THAT'S A DAMN "MISSION IMPOSSIBLE" 314 00:14:20,567 --> 00:14:22,727 RIGHT THERE, SHIT! 315 00:14:22,734 --> 00:14:26,134 ALL I GET IS PRETENDERS, I'M SO SICK OF THIS SHIT! 316 00:14:26,133 --> 00:14:27,603 ALL Y'ALL WALKIN' AROUND 317 00:14:27,600 --> 00:14:30,630 WITH THEM MAGNUM XLS IN YOUR POCKET. RIGHT! 318 00:14:30,633 --> 00:14:32,933 ALL Y'ALL DON'T WEAR NO MAGNUM XL, 319 00:14:32,934 --> 00:14:34,774 LET'S KEEP IT REAL UP IN HERE. 320 00:14:34,767 --> 00:14:38,497 SOME OF 'EM IN DENIAL, THEY JUST WANNA WEAR ONE ANYWAY. 321 00:14:38,500 --> 00:14:40,770 I'M LIKE, "NO, THAT AIN'T YOUR SIZE, BOO, 322 00:14:40,767 --> 00:14:43,467 THAT AIN'T YOUR SIZE. 323 00:14:43,467 --> 00:14:45,027 SEE THAT AIR BUBBLE RIGHT THERE? 324 00:14:45,033 --> 00:14:47,933 THAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE DICK, OKAY? 325 00:14:49,967 --> 00:14:52,397 AIN'T SUPPOSED TO BE NO BIG OLD AIR BUBBLE RIGHT THERE! 326 00:14:52,400 --> 00:14:54,430 YOU TRIPPIN'! 327 00:14:54,433 --> 00:14:55,973 YOU SUPPOSED TO FILL THAT UP." 328 00:14:55,967 --> 00:14:57,627 AND HE LIKE, "NO, THIS THE WAY IT GO." 329 00:14:57,633 --> 00:15:00,333 NO, THAT AIN'T THE WAY IT GO. IT'S COMIN' OFF. 330 00:15:00,333 --> 00:15:02,573 Y'ALL ALWAYS TALKIN' ABOUT, "IT BROKE." 331 00:15:02,567 --> 00:15:04,867 NO, IT FELL OFF, THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED. 332 00:15:04,867 --> 00:15:06,927 SHIT AIN'T BROKE. 333 00:15:06,934 --> 00:15:09,004 FELL OFF-- IN ME! 334 00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:12,070 I GOTTA BE UP ALL NIGHT TRYIN' TO GET THAT SHIT OUT. 335 00:15:13,166 --> 00:15:15,296 GET YOUR SIZE! 336 00:15:15,300 --> 00:15:17,370 SOME MEN JUST GONNA KEEP IT MOVING, TOO. 337 00:15:17,367 --> 00:15:19,897 THEY WANNA TRY ANYTHING-- "NO, THIS MY SIZE, COME ON!" 338 00:15:19,900 --> 00:15:22,400 I'M LIKE, "NO. THE ONLY WAY THAT'S STAYIN' ON, 339 00:15:22,400 --> 00:15:25,070 IS IF YOU PUT YOUR BALLS IN THERE TOO, HELLO. 340 00:15:27,867 --> 00:15:30,367 AIN'T NO OTHER WAY, AIN'T ON OTHER WAY! 341 00:15:31,967 --> 00:15:34,797 YOU NEED DICK AND BALLS TO HOLD THAT MAGNUM XL UP! 342 00:15:34,800 --> 00:15:36,930 YOU BETTER ASK SOME-DAMN-BODY. 343 00:15:36,934 --> 00:15:39,104 ALWAYS PERPETRATIN'. 344 00:15:39,100 --> 00:15:42,200 I HATE THEM BIG BALLS, TOO. ANYBODY EVER HAD THE BIG BALLS? 345 00:15:42,200 --> 00:15:44,330 OH MY GOD. 346 00:15:44,333 --> 00:15:46,973 YOU DON'T KNOW THEY BIG BALLS UNTIL YOU GET DOWN. 347 00:15:46,967 --> 00:15:48,897 'CAUSE IN THE CLUB IN THEM JEANS, 348 00:15:48,900 --> 00:15:51,100 IT LOOK LIKE DICK, DON'T IT? 349 00:15:51,100 --> 00:15:53,830 YOU BE ALL HAPPY, "HEY-YY!" 350 00:15:53,834 --> 00:15:55,534 YOU BE BRAGGING TO YOUR FRIENDS, 351 00:15:55,533 --> 00:15:57,203 "PARTY OVER HERE!" 352 00:15:57,200 --> 00:15:59,800 AND THEN HE DROP THEM DRAWERS, AND AIN'T NOTHIN' BUT BALLS, 353 00:15:59,800 --> 00:16:02,030 THAT'S SOME MESSED-UP SHIT! 354 00:16:02,033 --> 00:16:04,233 MAKE YOU WANNA CALL SOMEBODY. 355 00:16:04,233 --> 00:16:06,903 "GIRL, YOU AIN'T GONNA BELIEVE THIS! 356 00:16:06,900 --> 00:16:09,470 YEAH, IT LOOK LIKE TITTIES. I'M GONNA CALL YOU BACK." 357 00:16:11,300 --> 00:16:14,330 BIG OLD TITTY BALLS! 358 00:16:14,333 --> 00:16:17,173 WHEN THEY SAID HE WAS A BALLER, I'M THINKING, YOU KNOW-- 359 00:16:18,266 --> 00:16:20,696 NBA OR SOMETHIN'. IT'S BEEN A MIX-UP. 360 00:16:20,700 --> 00:16:23,900 THEM AIN'T THE KIND OF BALLS I WAS THINKIN' ABOUT. 361 00:16:23,900 --> 00:16:27,200 THEM ARE NOT THE BALLS, THEM ARE NOT THE BALLS. 362 00:16:27,200 --> 00:16:30,570 I LOVE Y'ALL, MEN, BUT Y'ALL GOT TO GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER. 363 00:16:30,567 --> 00:16:32,797 FIRST OF ALL, LOT OF Y'ALL DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO DO 364 00:16:32,800 --> 00:16:34,400 WHEN YOU SEE A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN. 365 00:16:34,400 --> 00:16:36,830 Y'ALL DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO TALK. 366 00:16:36,834 --> 00:16:38,974 DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY. 367 00:16:38,967 --> 00:16:41,727 A LOT OF Y'ALL JUST DON'T HAVE A CLUE AT ALL WHEN IT COMES TO WOMEN. 368 00:16:41,734 --> 00:16:43,934 MEN THINK WE TURN THE LIGHTS OFF 369 00:16:43,934 --> 00:16:46,374 DURING SEX TO HIDE OUR BODIES. 370 00:16:46,367 --> 00:16:47,927 NO, WE TURN THE LIGHTS OFF 371 00:16:47,934 --> 00:16:50,904 SO YOU CAN BE SOMEBODY ELSE, NIGGA! 372 00:16:53,000 --> 00:16:55,000 HELLO! 373 00:16:55,000 --> 00:16:57,830 "YOU DENZEL, YOU DENZEL, DAMN IT, SHUT UP!" 374 00:16:57,834 --> 00:17:01,134 LET ME HAVE MY FANTASY, SHIT. 375 00:17:02,333 --> 00:17:04,003 IF YOU JUST GOTTA TALK, SAY SOMETHING LIKE, 376 00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:05,570 "KING KONG AIN'T GOT NOTHING ON ME!" 377 00:17:05,567 --> 00:17:09,167 SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT. HELP ME WITH MY FANTASY. 378 00:17:09,166 --> 00:17:12,266 Y'ALL BE KILLING ME TOO, WITH YOUR LITTLE STUFF AIN'T GETTIN' HARD. 379 00:17:12,266 --> 00:17:13,826 I HATE THAT, OH. 380 00:17:13,834 --> 00:17:16,904 'CAUSE THEY WANT YOU TO RUB ON IT, DON'T THEY, LADIES? 381 00:17:16,900 --> 00:17:19,930 YOU GOTTA BE RUBBIN' AND SHIT... 382 00:17:20,967 --> 00:17:23,727 "SHIT, MY ARM HURT! MY ARM HURT." 383 00:17:25,934 --> 00:17:28,434 "YOU DO IT FOR A LITTLE WHILE, SHIT!" 384 00:17:29,467 --> 00:17:31,767 "YOU BETTER AT IT THAN I AM, SHIT. 385 00:17:31,767 --> 00:17:34,327 WELL, SHOW ME HOW, SHOW ME HOW, IF I AIN'T DOING IT RIGHT." 386 00:17:35,367 --> 00:17:38,497 DON'T BE DOIN' THAT, SILLY-ASS MEN! 387 00:17:38,500 --> 00:17:39,970 Y'ALL, WHAT WE GONNA DO WITH Y'ALL? 388 00:17:39,967 --> 00:17:41,767 Y'ALL LOVE TURNIN' SOME STUFF AROUND TO MAKE IT LOOK 389 00:17:41,767 --> 00:17:43,827 LIKE IT'S OUR FAULT TOO, DON'T THEY ,LADIES? 390 00:17:44,700 --> 00:17:46,230 HELL YEAH! 391 00:17:46,233 --> 00:17:49,033 LIKE WHEN THEY GOT A LITTLE DICK, THEY TRY TO PUT THAT OFF ON US. 392 00:17:49,033 --> 00:17:51,433 "WELL, SHE JUST GOT A BIG OLD COOCHIE." 393 00:17:52,934 --> 00:17:57,274 AIN'T NO SUCH THING. COOCHIE GOT ELASTIC IN IT, HELLO! 394 00:17:57,266 --> 00:18:00,426 AND A REAL WOMAN KNOW HOW TO TIGHTEN HER SHIT UP ANYWAY! 395 00:18:00,433 --> 00:18:01,933 YOU BETTER ASK SOMEBODY. 396 00:18:01,934 --> 00:18:04,374 DO A COOCHIE CRUNCH ON YOUR ASS. 397 00:18:04,367 --> 00:18:06,267 AIN'T SHIT WRONG WITH ME! 398 00:18:06,266 --> 00:18:08,326 ALL I KNOW IS, MY OTHER FRIEND DON'T POP OUT 399 00:18:08,333 --> 00:18:10,333 WHEN HE COME OVER, SO IT AIN'T ME. 400 00:18:12,033 --> 00:18:14,703 I'M NOT THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM, MR. LITTLE MAN. 401 00:18:14,700 --> 00:18:16,800 NOT ME, NOT ME. 402 00:18:16,800 --> 00:18:19,800 LOVE TO TURN SOME SHIT AROUND, LOVE TO TURN SOME SHIT AROUND. 403 00:18:19,800 --> 00:18:21,430 LIKE WHEN YOU CAN'T GET A HARD-ON, 404 00:18:21,433 --> 00:18:23,303 Y'ALL TRY TO PUT THAT SHIT OFF ON US. 405 00:18:23,300 --> 00:18:26,070 "WELL, IF YOU'D SHUT UP--" 406 00:18:26,066 --> 00:18:28,166 "SHIT, ALL I SAID WAS, 'WHAT'S THE MATTER?' 407 00:18:28,166 --> 00:18:30,396 SHIT, YOU SHUT UP!" 408 00:18:31,967 --> 00:18:35,127 "YOU THE ONE NEED TO BE CONCENTRATIN' OR SOMETHIN'!" 409 00:18:36,200 --> 00:18:37,770 I COULD TALK ALL NIGHT LONG, 410 00:18:37,767 --> 00:18:40,327 AND MY SHIT'LL WORK JUST FINE. 411 00:18:40,333 --> 00:18:43,303 IF YOU KNOW WHAT I KNOW, ALL THE LADIES IN THE HOUSE SAY "HELLO!" 412 00:18:43,300 --> 00:18:44,870 Women: HELLO! 413 00:18:44,867 --> 00:18:47,127 SHIT, WE CAN GO TO SLEEP AND OUR SHIT'D BE WORKING. 414 00:18:47,133 --> 00:18:48,933 YOU BETTER ASK SOME-DAMN-BODY! 415 00:18:48,934 --> 00:18:51,674 SILLY-ASS MEN. 416 00:18:51,667 --> 00:18:54,727 THEY ABOUT TO KILL THEIR SELF ON THAT LEVITRA, 417 00:18:54,734 --> 00:18:57,634 AND VIAGRA, AND CIALIS, ALL THAT BULLSHIT. 418 00:18:57,633 --> 00:19:00,233 YOU WASTING YOUR MONEY, JUST WASTING YOUR MONEY. 419 00:19:00,233 --> 00:19:02,973 THERE'S NATURAL WAYS TO GET A HARD-ON, FELLAS. 420 00:19:02,967 --> 00:19:04,797 THERE'S STUFF YOU CAN EAT. 421 00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:06,970 LOOK HOW QUIET IT GOT! "STUFF YOU CAN EAT?" 422 00:19:08,800 --> 00:19:10,570 PUSSY! 423 00:19:11,867 --> 00:19:14,767 YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN GREAT! I'M MELANIE, THANK YOU! 424 00:19:18,066 --> 00:19:20,196 THANK YOU! 425 00:19:24,967 --> 00:19:27,227 YEAH! 426 00:19:27,233 --> 00:19:28,833 ( singing gibberish ) 427 00:19:28,834 --> 00:19:30,534 COMING TO THE STAGE, 428 00:19:30,533 --> 00:19:32,433 Y'ALL GONNA ENJOY THIS BROTHER. 429 00:19:32,433 --> 00:19:34,373 HE'S BEEN ON "MY WIFE AND KIDS," 430 00:19:34,367 --> 00:19:36,297 HE'S A CAST MEMBER ON "WILD 'N OUT," 431 00:19:36,300 --> 00:19:38,130 AND Y'ALL KNOW HIM AS "MONEY MIKE." 432 00:19:38,133 --> 00:19:42,103 PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR KATT WILLIAMS! 433 00:19:58,066 --> 00:20:01,096 GOOD EVENING, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. WHAT A PLEASURE TO BE HERE. 434 00:20:01,100 --> 00:20:04,400 SO BEAUTIFUL. 435 00:20:04,400 --> 00:20:07,930 I'M JUST HERE TO REMIND NIGGAS THAT LIFE IS SHORT. 436 00:20:07,934 --> 00:20:10,134 YOU GOTTA ENJOY YOUR MOTHERFUCKIN' LIFE. 437 00:20:10,133 --> 00:20:12,173 ENJOY YOUR GODDAMN LIFE. 438 00:20:12,166 --> 00:20:15,266 STOP BEIN' UNGRATEFUL ALL THE GODDAMN TIME. 439 00:20:15,266 --> 00:20:17,666 YOU GOTTA BE HAPPY ABOUT YOUR MOTHERFUCKIN' LIFE. 440 00:20:17,667 --> 00:20:19,697 IF GOD DONE BLESSED YOU WITH A CHRYSLER 300, 441 00:20:19,700 --> 00:20:21,530 NIGGA, STOP TALKING SHIT. 442 00:20:21,533 --> 00:20:24,433 WALKIN' ROUND, TELLIN' NIGGAS, "YEAH NIGGA, THE REASON I GOT IT, 443 00:20:24,433 --> 00:20:26,203 NIGGA, IT'S 'CAUSE IT LOOK LIKE A PHANTOM." 444 00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:31,130 NO, NIGGA, IT LOOK LIKE A CHRYSLER 300. 445 00:20:31,133 --> 00:20:33,573 THE FUCKED-UP PART IS, THAT BITCH DO LO LIKE A PHANTOM 446 00:20:33,567 --> 00:20:36,197 UNTIL A PHANTOM PULL UP. 447 00:20:36,200 --> 00:20:38,070 THE YOU JUST AT THE LIGHT, JUST... 448 00:20:40,200 --> 00:20:43,170 "THIS IS BULLSHIT. I DON'T EVEN WANNA BE ON THIS STREET, NIGGA, 449 00:20:43,166 --> 00:20:45,496 I DON'T EVEN WANNA BE ON THIS STREET." 450 00:20:45,500 --> 00:20:48,200 I'M SAYIN', YOU GOTTA BE HAPPY ABOUT YOUR MOTHERFUCKIN' LIFE. 451 00:20:48,200 --> 00:20:50,900 IF I'D KNOW 50 CENT MADE IT REAL COOL TO BE SHOT. 452 00:20:50,900 --> 00:20:53,630 LET ME JUST SAY SOMETHING-- NIGGAS, YOU CAN'T BE HARD 453 00:20:53,633 --> 00:20:57,003 ALL THE MOTHERFUCKIN' TIME. WE ALL KNOW NIGGAS IS HARD TOO OFTEN. 454 00:20:57,000 --> 00:20:59,300 7:00 IN THE GODDAMN MORNING, THESE NIGGAS HARD. 455 00:20:59,300 --> 00:21:01,900 WAIT A MINUTE, IS YOU ANGRY AT BREAKFAST, NIGGA? 456 00:21:03,567 --> 00:21:06,427 YOU GANG-BANGIN' ON BACON, NIGGA, YOU--? 457 00:21:07,734 --> 00:21:09,574 I KNOW 50 DONE MADE IT COOL TO BE SHOT. 458 00:21:09,567 --> 00:21:11,597 I BEEN SHOT BEFORE, AIN'T SHIT COOL ABOUT IT. 459 00:21:11,600 --> 00:21:13,600 WHEN I GOT SHOT, AIN'T NO MUSIC PLAY, 460 00:21:13,600 --> 00:21:16,500 AIN'T NO BITCHES COME OUT, NOTHIN'. 461 00:21:18,633 --> 00:21:21,673 THE FUCKED-UP PART IS WHEN I GOT SHOT, I WASN'T EVEN IN A ALTERCATION. 462 00:21:21,667 --> 00:21:24,127 I'M OUTSIDE THE CLUB WATCHING SOME OTHER NIGGAS. 463 00:21:24,133 --> 00:21:26,433 I WAS LIKE, "LOOK AT THESE CRAZY-ASS NIGGAS!" 464 00:21:26,433 --> 00:21:29,073 "AW, THESE NIGGAS FIXING TO FIGHT. OH, THAT NIGGA GOT A GUN. 465 00:21:29,066 --> 00:21:30,826 IT'S FIXING GET GO." BAM! 466 00:21:30,834 --> 00:21:32,274 "WAIT A MINUTE! JESUS! 467 00:21:32,266 --> 00:21:36,766 PIMP DOWN! PIMP 32, BITCH, GET THE TRUCK! 468 00:21:36,767 --> 00:21:38,667 THIS IS BULLSHIT! 469 00:21:38,667 --> 00:21:41,567 I DONE GOT BLOOD IN MY PERM, NIGGA, I'M FIXING TO BLACK OUT! 470 00:21:41,567 --> 00:21:44,097 I'M FIXING TO BLACK OUT! 471 00:21:45,066 --> 00:21:47,526 I'M JUST SAYIN' LIFE IS SHORT. 472 00:21:47,533 --> 00:21:51,033 LADIES, Y'ALL NEED TO STOP STRESSIN' ALL THE MOTHERFUCKIN' TIME. 473 00:21:51,033 --> 00:21:53,933 YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND, BITCH, IF YOU ARE NOT THE SHIT TO YOU, 474 00:21:53,934 --> 00:21:56,534 YOU ARE NOT THE SHIT TO ANY-FUCKIN'-BODY ELSE. 475 00:21:56,533 --> 00:21:58,833 YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND THAT... 476 00:21:59,834 --> 00:22:01,574 AND JUST DEAL WITH IT. 477 00:22:01,567 --> 00:22:03,997 WE ARE TIRED OF Y'ALL GETTING IN RELATIONSHIPS WITH US 478 00:22:04,000 --> 00:22:06,970 AND BLAMING US FOR SHIT WE AIN'T EVEN IN CONTROL OF. 479 00:22:06,967 --> 00:22:08,867 YOU DONE GOT WITH A NIGGA, YOU TALKING ABOUT-- 480 00:22:08,867 --> 00:22:11,227 "YOU FUCKED UP MY SELF-ESTEEM." 481 00:22:11,233 --> 00:22:13,973 "BITCH, IT'S CALLED 'SELF-ESTEEM'! 482 00:22:13,967 --> 00:22:17,927 IT'S ESTEEM OF YOUR MOTHERFUCKIN' SELF, BITCH! 483 00:22:19,300 --> 00:22:23,370 HOW THE FUCK DID I FUCK UP HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT YOU?" 484 00:22:23,367 --> 00:22:25,297 AND DON'T GET MAD 'CAUSE I'M CALLING YOU "BITCHES." 485 00:22:25,300 --> 00:22:28,270 I'M ONLY CALLING YOU BITCHES 'CAUSE I DON'T KNOW YOUR NAMES INDIVIDUALLY. 486 00:22:28,266 --> 00:22:31,396 SHAMMA-NA-NAYA SHABBA-DA-SHAT. 487 00:22:32,900 --> 00:22:35,070 I'M JUST SAYIN', LADIES, I'M JUST SAYIN', 488 00:22:35,066 --> 00:22:37,466 YOU GOTTA BE THE SHIT TO YOU, LADIES. 489 00:22:37,467 --> 00:22:38,967 YOU GOTTA BE THE SHIT TO YOU. 490 00:22:38,967 --> 00:22:41,127 SOME OF Y'ALL STRESS ENTIRELY TOO FUCKIN' MUCH 491 00:22:41,133 --> 00:22:43,473 ABOUT SHIT THAT NIGGAS DON'T EVEN CARE ABOUT. 492 00:22:43,467 --> 00:22:44,997 NEVER IN THE HISTORY OF NIGGADOM, 493 00:22:45,000 --> 00:22:47,370 HAS A NIGGA BEEN GETTIN' READY TO FUCK A WOMAN, 494 00:22:47,367 --> 00:22:49,627 AND CHANGED HIS MIND 'CAUSE HER FINGERNAILS 495 00:22:49,633 --> 00:22:53,003 AND TOENAILS DIDN'T MATCH. NOT ONCE! NOT NEVER! 496 00:22:53,000 --> 00:22:55,400 NEVER HAS A NIGGA BEEN PUTTIN' A CONDOM ON, AND WENT, 497 00:22:55,400 --> 00:22:57,630 "BITCH, IS THAT PLUM AND RED? 498 00:22:57,633 --> 00:23:00,803 I CAN'T EVEN DO IT, BITCH. I CAN'T EVEN DO IT. I'M OUTTA HERE!" 499 00:23:00,800 --> 00:23:03,870 NOT ONCE! NOT ONCE! 500 00:23:03,867 --> 00:23:06,127 Y'ALL BE WORRYING ABOUT SHIT, DON'T EVEN MATTER. 501 00:23:06,133 --> 00:23:08,003 SOME OF YOU DONE HAD SOME KIDS. 502 00:23:08,000 --> 00:23:09,630 NOW YOU GOT SOME STRETCH MARKS. 503 00:23:09,633 --> 00:23:11,333 YOU WALKING AROUND THE HOUSE BITTER 504 00:23:11,333 --> 00:23:12,803 BLAMING THE BABY, 505 00:23:12,800 --> 00:23:15,400 SHOWING THE BABY YOUR HIGH SCHOOL PICTURE, 506 00:23:15,400 --> 00:23:17,270 "LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO ME!" 507 00:23:18,700 --> 00:23:20,800 LADIES, IF YOUR MAN GOT A STRETCH MARK-- 508 00:23:20,800 --> 00:23:22,470 THAT'S MAD ABOUT YOUR STRETCH MARKS, 509 00:23:22,467 --> 00:23:24,697 I SUGGEST THAT YOU STOP FUCKING WITH BITCH NIGGAS. 510 00:23:24,700 --> 00:23:27,600 I THINK I SPEAK FOR ALL REAL NIGGAS IN ATTENDANCE 511 00:23:27,600 --> 00:23:29,400 WHEN I SAY WE DON'T HAVE TIME TO WORRY 512 00:23:29,400 --> 00:23:31,730 ABOUT NO SIMPLE SHIT LIKE STRETCH MARKS. 513 00:23:31,734 --> 00:23:34,434 BITCH, WE KNOW THEY EITHER CAME FROM ONE OF TWO THINGS-- 514 00:23:34,433 --> 00:23:36,673 EITHER YOU WAS BIG AND GOT SMALL, 515 00:23:36,667 --> 00:23:40,227 OR YOU WAS SMALL AND GOT BIG! 516 00:23:40,233 --> 00:23:44,003 EITHER WAY, WE FUCKING. EITHER WAY! 517 00:23:45,300 --> 00:23:47,470 LIFE IS TOO SHORT. 518 00:23:47,467 --> 00:23:50,267 IT'S ALL THE FUCK I'M SAYING. 519 00:23:50,266 --> 00:23:52,666 LADIES, YOU GOTTA START TAKING SOME RESPONSIBILITY 520 00:23:52,667 --> 00:23:54,727 FOR YOUR OWN MISERABLE LIFE. 521 00:23:54,734 --> 00:23:56,804 IF YOU OVER 25 YEARS OLD, YOU STILL WALKING AROUND HERE 522 00:23:56,800 --> 00:23:58,600 TALKING ABOUT "NIGGAS AIN'T SHIT," 523 00:23:58,600 --> 00:24:02,400 BITCH, YOU NEED TOROW THE FUCK UP, WITH YOUR IRRESPONSIBLE ASS! 524 00:24:02,400 --> 00:24:03,900 WHAT YOU MEANT TO SAY, 525 00:24:03,900 --> 00:24:07,230 WAS ALL THE NIGGAS YOU FUCK WITH AIN'T SHIT. 526 00:24:07,233 --> 00:24:09,003 THAT'S RIGHT. 527 00:24:09,000 --> 00:24:11,270 YOU NEED TO FIGURE OUT WHAT IT IS ABOUT YOUR PUSSY 528 00:24:11,266 --> 00:24:13,296 THAT KEEP ATTRACTING "AIN'T-SHIT" NIGGAS! 529 00:24:13,300 --> 00:24:15,870 MIGHT BE "AIN'T-SHIT" PUSSY! 530 00:24:24,734 --> 00:24:27,134 JUST SAYING, LIFE IS SHORT. THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING. 531 00:24:27,133 --> 00:24:29,773 YOU GOTTA ENJOY YOUR MOTHERFUCKIN' LIFE. 532 00:24:29,767 --> 00:24:32,367 THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING. IF WE DIDN'T LEARN SHIT FROM LOUISIANA, 533 00:24:32,367 --> 00:24:35,427 WE LEARNED YOU GOTTA BE HAPPY ABOUT WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU GOT RIGHT NOW. 534 00:24:35,433 --> 00:24:38,273 YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK MAY HAPPEN. 535 00:24:38,266 --> 00:24:40,466 THAT LOUISIANA SHIT, THAT-- 536 00:24:40,467 --> 00:24:42,367 THAT SHIT CHANGED MY WHOLE FUCKIN' LIFE. 537 00:24:42,367 --> 00:24:44,797 I AIN'T NEVER SEEN NOTHING THAT GODDAMN SAD. 538 00:24:44,800 --> 00:24:46,430 THERE'S GANGSTA NIGGAS IN L.A., 539 00:24:46,433 --> 00:24:49,003 THEM NIGGAS IN LOUISIANA WAS GANGSTA THAN A MOTHERFUCKER. 540 00:24:49,000 --> 00:24:50,600 YOU CAN BE GANGSTA IN GOOD WEATHER. 541 00:24:50,600 --> 00:24:54,470 THESE NIGGAS WAS GANGSTA IN 99 FEET OF MOTHERFUCKIN' WATER. 542 00:24:54,467 --> 00:24:57,467 NIGGA, HOW IS YOU SWIMMING, AND KEEPING YOUR PISTOL 543 00:24:57,467 --> 00:24:59,167 OUT THE WATER AT THE SAME TIME? 544 00:24:59,166 --> 00:25:00,766 NIGGAS-- 545 00:25:05,934 --> 00:25:07,804 IF THAT AIN'T SOME GANGSTA SHIT! 546 00:25:07,800 --> 00:25:10,800 Y'ALL BEEN ALL THAT! I'M KATT. THANK YOU SO MUCH! 547 00:25:14,834 --> 00:25:17,834 Epps: KATT WILLIAMS! 548 00:25:19,467 --> 00:25:20,827 YEAH! 549 00:25:20,834 --> 00:25:23,174 ALL RIGHT, MAN, I'D LIKE TO THANK Y'ALL FOR COMING-- 550 00:25:23,166 --> 00:25:25,766 RUSSELL SIMMONS, Y'ALL! RUSSL SIMMONS! 551 00:25:28,633 --> 00:25:31,133 THANK YOU FOR COMIN' OUT, GOD BLESS YOU. GOOD NIGHT! 552 00:25:31,133 --> 00:25:34,473 ( theme music playing ) 553 00:25:34,523 --> 00:25:39,073 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 43587

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