Original subtitles

??

Andrew: The day we have all been waiting for

has finally arrived.

Dean: In eight weeks time, I'm going to take on...

a partner here at Platinum.

Victoria: [ Sighs ]

It's me.

Amir Yaghoob will be your next partner.

Chelsea: Glenn has, again,

called one of his morning meetings.

I swear, this is the first thing

I'm getting rid of when I'm partner.

Glenn: This algorithm in place right here

is going to determine who becomes partner

by the end of the day.

Andrew: How? Chelsea: What?!

Victoria: Since when does Glenn

have anything to do with who makes partner?

How? How are you figuring this out?

Glenn: Sales overall, obviously,

is one of the biggest determining factors

in this chart.

Bit then there's also other intangibles,

things that make a broker truly great.

It's not just sales. It's intangibles.

Baxter: Ooh, thank God. Andrew: Yeah.

Our sales are not great.

How do you close on a Friday?

Do you finish the week off well?

On a Tuesday around 10:00 a.m.

Are you approaching your clients in a specific way?

Amir: Glenn can make up any rules he wants

as long as I win.

Baxter: Could you tell us some other factors?

Andrew: What are the other factors?!

Amir: You don't have to tell anyone anything!

Andrew: No! Amir, you shut up!

Amir: We have trust in him! I have trust in you, bro.

Chelsea: No, no, you are such a piece of shit right now.

Andrew: You, by mistake, landed --

Chelsea: Don't yell in my ear!

You sound like a bullhorn.

Andrew: You're putting your ear in my mouth!

Chelsea: You sound like a mascot at a shitty football game!

Baxter: Why don't you back off?

Why don't you back off?!

Andrew: Well, you're the shitty football game, then!

Chelsea: I'm done playing cool Chelsea.

It's time to debut dick-punching Chelsea.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. This is concrete sales, huh?

Like Kermit the frog just running around here?

Glenn: Don't -- Don't touch the board. Don't touch the board.

Chelsea: Oh, does this bother you?

Does this bother you? What?

Amir: Oh, Chelsea thinks she's running shit now?

Nope! Not today!

You want to play with me?! Chelsea: I do!

Amir: You want to play with me?

Chelsea: I'm taller than you!

Amir: Stop it!

Baxter: Stop! Amir: Hold me back.

Chelsea: Why are you hiding behind a man of similar size?

Amir: Hold me back. Help!

Baxter: Hey! Amir: Is this what you wanted?

Victoria: This is real good, guys.

Chelsea: Happy birthday, motherfucker.

Baxter: Is it your birthday?

Amir: It is my birthday,

and I hope that was put into consideration.

Baxter: ? ...birthday... ?

Together: ? ...to you ?

Chelsea: Fuck.

All: ? Happy birthday to you ?

? Happy birthday dear Amir ?

Chelsea: Amir? I'm sorry.

??

Victoria: Once they got it out of their system,

we all calmed down.

So now Glenn can explain his stupid board!

God, he's an idiot!

Glenn: Do you want an explanation of the chart?

Victoria: I would love one.

Glenn: Or do you want to keep dipping your dick in applesauce?

Andrew: What? Chelsea: Where are you from?

Baxter: Would that be good? Glenn: Cold.

Well, that's not good. That's cold. Warm.

Now we're getting a little warmer

because it's not cold anymore.

$3 million. $3 million.

That's great. Chelsea: That's dollars?

Glenn: Oh, we're moving up. We're heating up.

We're heating up, and we're heating up

more than $3 million.

Oops, I made even more sales

than I did when I was heating up.

Andrew: Oops? Glenn: 6:00 p.m.

This actually only tracks sales at 6:00 p.m. exactly.

What don't you understand about going from heating up

to "oops, dollar sign"?

Just like to remind everybody

that you got this day left to sell.

This day is the only day

that you have left to climb the board.

Amir: I don't need another day to climb the board.

I'm already on top pissing on everyone as they climb.

I'm all like "pssss"!

And they're all like, "Oh!

Oh, there's piss in my eyes!"

Chelsea: Yeah, I'm at the bottom,

but I got all day to change that.

Baxter: We only have until 4:00 p.m.

to prove to Dean that we're worthy of the promotion.

Andrew: It's not a lot of time.

Victoria: They should all quit.

The partnership will be mine.

[ Growling ] Mine!

??

Chelsea: I'm heading to Toluca Lake

to negotiate with a broker I've never worked with before

because my client wants to make an offer

on a house he represents!

? Chelsea is moving on up on Glenn's board ?

Gio. Gio: How do you do?

Chelsea: Great to meet you. Chelsea.

Gio: Great to meet you, too. It's beautiful, huh, huh?

Chelsea: Beautiful. Gio: Beautiful neighborhood.

You know, Beverly Hills of the Valley is what they say.

Chelsea: They do say that. Gio: It's what they say.

So...

Chelsea: I have good news for you.

Chelsea: I have a wonderful offer from my client.

Gio: Mm. Chelsea: She'd like to do,

for this property... Gio: Okay.

Chelsea: ...6.5, 30-day escrow.

Gio: [ Inhales sharply ] Ooh. Chelsea: All cash, huh?

Gio: Ooh, ooh. Okay, okay. I like the cash.

Chelsea: Yeah?

I'm about to seal this deal,

and in walks some greasy blue Popsicle.

Gio: Ah, 6.9 you say?

Chelsea: $6.5. Gio: $6.5 you say.

6.5. Oh, hey. I don't know you.

Man: Hi. I don't know you, my friend.

Gio: Hi. Man: How do you do?

Chelsea: Hi. Man: How do you do?

Gio: She's another broker. Chelsea: Why?

Man: How do you do? Huh?

I don't want to bug you. You're making a deal.

Gio: We make a deal. Man: I got a client.

Uh, I'm a broker myself, and this place is, uh --

Gio: Okay, whatever --

whatever your client say,

she just offered, uh, 7.8?

Chelsea: 6.5. Gio: 6.5 she say.

I'd love to just deal with --

Man: I don't want to bug your deal. Go ahead, go ahead.

Chelsea: Thank you. Man: Okay, Chris Brown.

I'll call you back. Gio: Chris Brown?

Man: I will call you back, okay, when I've seen the whole place.

But the pool alone seems to be worth 7.2.

Gio: Chris Brown?

Chelsea: He doesn't know Chris Brown.

Gio: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Man: What did she say she'd do? She said she'd do 8.8?

Chelsea: 6.5. Gio: She said 8.8.

Man: Close. You should close with her,

because Chris is gonna be crazy. He'd be mad at me.

Gio: We should close at 8.8.

Man: He's probably going to hit me, you know?

Chelsea: And then it hits me. This is Serge and Gio, isn't it?

Gio: You tell Chris Brown -- Man: It's already sold?

Gio: It's sold for 7.4.

Chelsea: 6.5. Man: This house for 7.4?

Chelsea: 6.5. Gio: Which is good.

Chelsea: Always 6.5.

Man: You just put the wool on this one, huh?

Chelsea: Nope. Gio: Yeah, you did a fast one.

Chelsea: What? Man: Hey.

Chelsea: Can you -- do you need me to bend down?

Man: Yeah. Congratulations.

Chelsea: Thank you. Man: Congratulations.

Gio: You tell Chris Brown...

Chelsea: Damn it. Gio: ....he too slow.

Man: Oh, I just got a text from him.

He would go 8. Gio: Oh.

Chelsea: Can I see it? Man: Oh, the service wiped it.

But he would go 8.

Gio: He would go 8, so maybe if we go 9.2?

Chelsea: What, 9.2? Gio: Maybe we go 9.2,

scare him away. Chelsea: You've lost your mind.

Man: I think you would lose Chris.

I'll tell you right now, Chris --

Hang on, let me hit him. Ready?

Call my good friend Chris Brown.

Gio: Oh, he's calling Chris Brown.

That's exciting.

Siri: I don't see Chris Brown in your contacts.

Perhaps you meant one of these nine?

[ Double beep ]

Gio: 6.5?

Chelsea: 6.5.

Gio: Cash. Okay.

Chelsea: Yeah. Gio: I never met that guy.

Chelsea: All right.

Gio: I never met that guy.

Chelsea: I don't believe you.

Gio: I never met you!

??

Both: ? We're gonna, we're gonna, we're gonna get it ?

Baxter: ? The partnership ?

Both: ? He's got to choose us ?

Ow!

Andrew: ? We're the obvious choice ?

? when you line us all up with the others ?

Baxter: ? Yeah ?

We're on our way to meet our client Neville Tipton.

Andrew: We're gonna show him a gorgeous new Malibu house

that just hit the market.

Uh, do you like a room with a view?

Neville: Uh, what? Oh. Wow.

Andrew: Oh, yeah. Neville: Wow.

Baxter: 'Cause you're in one.

Neville: [ Laughs ] That's why you're buying this.

Both: Yeah.

Neville: I'm seeing lots of wonderful windows and views out.

I'm just curious where the button might be

to make the steel casings come down.

Baxter: Oh, you mean like shades?

Neville: Yeah, shades, protection.

You know, like a metal casing.

Andrew: I don't think this house has --

Baxter: No, this house definitely doesn't have steel,

Neville: Okay, that's gonna be a red flag for me.

Just so you guys know, it's a red flag.

Baxter: Well, this is very safe.

It's actually a private gated neighborhood.

Andrew: It's pretty secluded. Neville: I hear you,

but they're gonna pass, what, every hour?

So that gives him a nice window to say, "Whoo-hoosh, he's gone."

He ascends this thing, comes in,

and they're gonna know I'm alone instantly

'cause I only sleep on one side

and I keep the other side tucked in

just to remember the loss of my wife.

Andrew: Hey, Neville, unless it's a weekend

or something, right, and you have some chick over

that you're gonna plow all weekend?

Neville: I just said I keep one side of the bed

tucked in for the memory of my wife,

so most likely I wouldn't just go right to,

"Oh, are you dating?"

Andrew: Okay, next time I'll know.

Dead wives are a tricky subject.

Neville: Where's my panic room is what I'm gonna ask,

'cause every house has a panic room.

Andrew: Right. Baxter: No, not...

Andrew: Like I always say,

every room can be a panic room.

Neville: This house doesn't have a panic room?

Are you serious? Guys, why don't you --

Baxter: Neville, but we can get one.

Neville: Why don't you sell me the outdoors?

Just put me in the middle of the yard

so I can get raped immediately.

Andrew: Neville sure talks about rape a lot.

Baxter: Yes, he does. Andrew: A lot.

??

Amir: I'm gonna say this in a good way.

You guys are probably my hardest clients

that I've had this year.

Man: Oh, yeah? Amir: You know what you want. I like that.

I don't like that.

I need this couple to make me a platinum-size sale

so that I can seal the partnership!

Look, it's our sixth house.

I'm willing to go to 15 houses, 20, 100, I don't care.

But I think this is the one.

Man: I do kind of -- look at those doors.

Honey, you'd fit like two methylene vats

through that at a time.

Woman: Yeah, but there's so much glass,

if someone wanted to ram in, they could do it really easily.

Man: You always mention the glass.

Those are things we can change.

Board up all the windows,

put an extra gate across there.

Have all the Dobermans back here.

Woman: I know, but I also kind of

feel like there's no coverage, there's no trees.

Amir: All right, I guess you want something

with a little more privacy.

Woman: Yes. Amir: Less ostentatious.

Man: I know this doesn't exist,

but if there was "Predator" technology for a house...

Amir: You want technology from the movie "Predator"?

Man: No, I'm saying -- Woman: What can you do

without "Predator" technology?

The closest to that, that's what we want.

Amir: I don't have access to "Predator" technology.

Man: We need a kitchen vent in every room.

But that's easy.

Amir: In every room you need a kitchen vent?

Woman: And I would -- and, like, a cook station in every room.

Amir: Are you a chef? I didn't know you were a chef.

Woman: A cook. Amir: You're a cook?

Woman: Mm-hmm. Amir: Oh, cool.

I'm like a big foodie. Where do you guys,

uh -- where do you guys like to go?

Man: Um...anyway...

Woman: But speaking of, I feel like there's not

great ventilation in the house,

so if any smells or flammable materials came up --

Man: She says it's about ventilation.

You can shoot a hole through any roof anywhere.

I kept telling you that. Amir: Okay.

Woman: I don't want to argue about this.

Amir: I'm gonna pretend

that I don't know what you're talking about.

Woman: I don't know what you're talking --

What are you talking about?

Amir: Rhymes with...

death.

Both: Beth?

Amir: You guys ever watch that show "Breaking Bad"?

Man: No, but "Better Call Saul," I do watch.

Woman: Yeah, that's better.

Man: Little lighter. I like that.

I have a question for you. Are you a cop?

And if you were,

you have to answer yes or no truthfully.

Amir: I don't think that's a real thing,

first of all, but no, I'm not a cop.

Woman: Why don't you just say no?

Amir: I'm not a cop. Man: It's not a real thing.

Woman: Are you wearing a recording device?

Amir: No, I'm -- just -- what are you --

Woman: He's clean.

Man: All right, I check the dick.

Amir: I got nothing.

Man: How's your sister Jennifer doing these days?

Woman: How's your dog -- Sven?

Amir: Sven's doing great. Why? Woman: Are you sure?

Your dog walker took him out this morning.

Right?

He did two poops.

Man: Second one was a little runny.

Amir: He's been having stomach issues.

I've been using this organic feed.

Woman: Yeah? Bet his stomach's real sensitive.

Man: Right. We all have needs.

Amir: Sven, don't be scared! Daddy loves you!

??

Andrew: Our client Neville is very concerned about security.

Baxter: We'll do whatever we have to do

to reassure him the house is safe and make the sale.

Neville: Why don't we role play, okay?

So, for argument's sake,

let's just say you're the intruder.

Okay? We'll call him Jake.

So, Jake just came through, and then his partner, Bob --

We'll just call you Bob. Andrew: Okay.

Neville: You come through the fireplace, all right?

And I just encourage you guys, don't be afraid.

Make it real.

Baxter: Oddly enough, this is not the first time

we've had to role play to make a sale.

Andrew: No. Not even close.

Neville: This is tucked in

'cause my wife is not longer with me.

I'm just gonna make a little body pillow like I would,

like, to remember what her shape felt like.

Andrew: Neville? Neville: Mm-hmm?

Andrew: Would you like a safe word

just in case it goes too far? Neville: Yeah.

So, why don't we say "pancake," stop.

Andrew: Yeah.

Neville: "Ham steak," keep going.

Baxter: They're gonna sound similar, I think.

Andrew: But that'll make it fun. That'll make it fun.

Neville: And for argument's sake,

if we forget which one's which, let's just keep going.

Baxter: I hope we don't have to use the safe word.

Andrew: What's a ham steak?

Baxter: Hey.

Neville: [ Gasps ] What are you doing?

Baxter: I'm in here.

Andrew: I just got here, too. Neville: Who are you?

Andrew: My name's Bob. Neville: What's your name?

Baxter: I'm Jake. Neville: I'm Neville.

Are you gonna have your way with me?

Andrew: Does this answer your question?

Neville: Oh, please, this is my home.

My wife's no longer with us.

Andrew: Run. This is where you run.

Neville: Aah. Baxter: You should run.

Neville: Aah. Baxter: You're not running.

Neville: Aah. Please don't grab my legs!

Andrew: We got you. Neville: Aah! Oh, no!

Don't pull me back towards you! Ohh.

Baxter: All right, I'm taking him.

Neville: And then I get away. Aah.

Baxter: Okay, you're getting away.

Neville: But then Bob grabs me.

Andrew: Hey, you can't go this way.

Neville: Ohh. Good, good. Go with this.

Andrew: Seems gentle. Neville: Oh, no.

Oh, Miranda. Don't watch this, Miranda.

Andrew: Miranda's dead, right? Baxter: She's dead, right?

Neville: How dare you? How dare you?

Baxter: Stop bringing up his dead wife.

Andrew: I can't help it.

Neville: We can't just pretend like we're naked?

Good.

Andrew: Are we really going through with this?

Neville: Do you want this sale?

Baxter: Get rid of my clothes! Neville: Start at his pants.

Andrew: This stupid belt! Neville: Good.

Andrew: I'm done with this.

Neville: I'm gonna get out of here!

Oh, no. Aah! Dead end. Keep going.

Baxter: You could have easily escaped by now.

Neville: Okay, time-out.

Don't tell me if I could've gotten out.

Baxter: Do you want to get away?

??

Victoria: I'm about to make the easiest sale.

I'm showing a house to my clients --

six grocery store workers who just won the lottery

and want to buy a house together.

[ Laughs ] How stupid is that?

The kitchen is actually my favorite room in the house.

As you can see, it's so spacious.

Gorgeous center island. Man: Wow.

Man 2: Do you guys like this natural light

that we're getting? I really like it.

Man: Take a vote. Man 3: Take it or leave it.

Man 2: Voting, I would say I like it.

Man 3: I like it. Victoria: Great.

Man 4: Now that I just heard everyone's opinion,

I just want to say I hate the light.

Man 2: We're happy to know your opinion. That helps.

Victoria: [ Sighs ] There is one catch.

They like to vote on everything.

But I'm not gonna let that stop me.

All right, four bedrooms.

I think you need at least four bedrooms.

And you guys, you have the money now.

Why not buy this big of a house?

Man 5: You've noticed that we have some money?

Have you seen, uh, what time it is?

Victoria: Oh, wow, okay.

Man 4: Twos and shoes, baby. [ Laughs ]

Victoria: Let me guess -- the coat.

Man 6: Heart transplant. Victoria: Oh, all right.

Well, that's sweet.

Man: Check these old slacks out, huh?

Victoria: Oh. Man 2: I guess you can say that

papa's got a brand-new bag.

Victoria: Yeah. Man 3: I love that.

Victoria: Papa does. Man 3: And I --

I used, you know, a portion of my money

to, uh, uh, get some tattoos.

And can I tell you, they killed. They still hurt.

Man 2: Sometimes when I'm putting things in my new bag,

it reminds me of...

a grocery bag, when I used to...

Victoria: Well, you don't have to be grocers anymore.

Man 5: I still want to work at the grocery store.

I want a house that's close to the grocery store, yeah.

Victoria: You guys are still planning

on working at the grocery store?

Man 2: Yeah. Man 3: Yeah.

Man 2: Still working.

Man 6: I don't know.

I'm a little torn on the grocery store.

Man 3: Well, the votes are in. You're going back

to the grocery store. Man: Yeah.

Victoria: Well, you know what, you can do

what you want to do on your own time.

But what I think we need to decide right now

is are we gonna buy this house?

Raise your hand if you want to buy this house.

Man 3: No! Man: No way.

Man 3: No way am I living here! Man 2: Are you crazy?

Man 3: There's so many sinks in here!

Man 2: Come on! What are you talking about?!

Man: Well, how are we gonna settle it?

Half of us don't like it, half of us do.

Victoria: If you guys can't agree on this,

why don't you just buy your own homes?

Man 4: What the hell are you talking about?

Man 6: Because we won the lottery together.

Victoria: That doesn't mean you have to buy the same house.

You can split the money.

Man 5: We're friends.

Man 3: Miss, you should hear yourself right now.

You really should.

Man 5: Six grown best friends are gonna live separately.

[ Laughter ]

Man 2: One ticket, six houses.

Somebody is not adding up.

[ Laughter ]

That is rich!

Man 4: I am so sorry I got sick.

Victoria: Makes sense.

Man 3: You ought to be a stand-up comedian.

Man 5: No wonder she's alone.

[ Laughter ]

Victoria: Are you buying the house?

What did we decide?

They're not going to buy this house!

Woman: Oh, my God! I love it!

Amir: Home sweet home?

Woman: It's beautiful! It's beautiful!

Amir: Take it on. Woman: Look at this, sweetie.

Amir: Yes, they threatened my dog,

but at the end of the day, real estate

is about showing the client that you have what they want.

Reinforced cement on the walls, the ceilings --

completely soundproof.

Woman: I could scream so loud and no one would hear me.

Man: Oh, my God. Woman: This is the dream.

Thank you. Man: This is great.

Amir: Come here. Come here.

Who takes care of you?

Man: Honey, we can store all the methylene vats over there.

Woman: We can put the ethanol over there.

Man: Oh, my God, you're right.

We used to have to put the ethanol

in a whole different shed.

Woman: I know. I'd have to walk back and forth.

Amir: You can have it all.

Man: If cops are invading here, it'd be easy

to pick them off as they're coming down the driveway.

Amir: Whoa, whoa, okay. Man: [ Imitates gunfire ]

Woman: And look, there's an exit over there,

so if they're coming this way, we can go that way.

Man: Oh, yeah, if they came through that door.

[ Imitates weapon firing ]

Perfect lines of sight.

Woman: We could draw them both in from these sides,

get them in, and then set this place on fire,

close the doors, walk away.

Amir: Just give me a sign when you're done

talking about killing cops.

[ Both sigh ]

Yes! I did it!

I'm like the meth of selling houses!

That's how successful I am!

??

Neville: [ Chuckles lightly ]

[ Sighs ]

Baxter: So, uh, Neville

was never really frightened of intruders.

Neville: Wow, am I right?

Baxter: [ Whistles ] That was pretty interesting.

Neville: Yeah. Andrew: That was unexpected.

Neville: God. At some point, I was like...

I kind of never want to say the safe word, you know?

Baxter: Yeah. Andrew: Yeah.

You said that out loud. Neville: Mm-hmm.

I did. At one point I said,

"Let's never say the safe word."

Did someone say it?

Andrew: I said it a lot of times.

Baxter: We said it. We tried writing it down

to see if you could read it. Neville: Oh. I was like --

Andrew: I kept saying, "Do you understand?"

Baxter: "I can't hear. I can't hear."

Neville: Mm-hmm. I'm sorry.

Once I get into it, it's like I'm in,

and then you're handing me that piece of paper,

I'm like, "I don't have time to read.

I'm busy being taken advantage of."

And bravo to both of you. I mean...

Andrew: You're strong.

Neville: Mm-hmm. Andrew: Wiry.

Baxter: We made the sale.

Andrew: I feel so empty.

??

Andrew: Ugh.

Amir: $7.5 million in sales.

All I do is win.

You have just been Yaghoobed.

Andrew: [ Imitates beeping ] Pbht!

Glenn: Good work.

Baxter: You just got cellphone fingered.

Amir: You might want to watch who you're cellphone fingering

because I am going to be a partner

in about five minutes.

Things around here are about to change

when Chief Yaghoob is the boss.

Andrew: Oh, who are you calling?

Oh. Here, I'll get that.

Hello? No, Amir? No, he's an asshole.

Chelsea: You didn't get my text?

Glenn: [ Clears throat ]

Amir: Wait.

Wait, wait, wait, no. Andrew: Boom!

Amir: What the hell did she text you?

What did she text you? What's on that text message?

Chelsea: ? I texted him some numbers ?

After closing with Gio, I sold two more properties.

Andrew: What about the intangibles?

Glenn: Oh, they're not really playing into account here.

Baxter: But I thought they were very important.

Glenn: The intangibles, at a certain point, just drop off.

Baxter: All we have are intangibles.

Amir: I just gave you $7.5 million in sales,

and she texted you something and that's it? She's up top?

Andrew: [ Imitating Amir mockingly ]

Chelsea: Actually, that's what you sound like.

Amir: Is that what I sound like?

[ Mocking Amir together ]

Andrew: Oh. Oh, my God.

Amir: Grow up.

Honestly. Chelsea: Yeah.

It's unbecoming.

Victoria: My lottery millionaires fired me.

Glenn: It's 3:58 p.m.

We've got about two minutes left.

Chelsea: [ Humming ]

Glenn: Uh, Dean should be here at any moment.

I'm just gonna take a little time to tally it up,

but it looks like we're pretty close to, uh...

Uh, hold on a second.

Just got a text from Dean.

He is stuck in helicopter traffic.

He's gonna be two hours late.

You have until 6:30.

??

I suggest you take this time to continue selling.

Victoria: Everybody move!

Chelsea: Okay, I have to...

I have to call... Baxter: We gotta sell Rosewood.

Andrew: Let's go. Come on! Go!

Chelsea: Get up! Baxter: Oh, no.

I goat panicked him. Chelsea: Oh, God.

Andrew: I goat panicked him. Chelsea: Should I call --

Andrew: No, no, no, no, no. He's...

Chelsea: My -- my Uber's here. Got to go.

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