All language subtitles for rtetd

Captain's log, pleasure cruiser morbillo.

We were sailing south-southwest
on course for Havana

when we realised something was amiss.

Man: What's that on the horizon?

But that's impossible.

Captain: It appears
a vast expanse of seabed

has risen beneath us in the night.

Strange people in long robes
and diving helmets na ve come aboard

the ship and are mingling happily
with the passengers,

who think that we have organised this
for their amusement.

The high priest has just won
the guoits contest

voices whispering:
Make it happen. Make it real.

Make it happen. Make it real.

Make it happen. Make it real.

Make it happen...

Make it real...

- Make it happen...
- Make it real...

Adam, I still don't understand

the thing you were telling us
about alien spaceships.

If I was an alien,
iwouldn't be going around giving messages

of universal peace and goodwill.

I'd say, "this is a laser blaster.

"Prepare to die, rebel swine!"

I'd say that, too,
if I was an alien in a flying saucer.

Or, "exterminate!"

Obviously, the aliens used to do that.

Now they give messages of global peace
and cosmic Harmony,

- and the government hushes it all up.
- Why?

It's what they do.
They hush up aliens and nuclear reactors,

and the people from Tibet
who have secret tunnels

and are listening to everything we say.

Adam, I don't think this stuff is,

you know...

Real.

Things on the Internet can be made up.

This is magazines.

Of course it's real,
just like the city of Atlantis.

Actually,
I don't think Atlantis is a thing.

It's under the sea.
And people live there.

How can they breathe?

I bet they wear diving helmets.

- Adam: That's right.
- Do you believe that's true?

Of course it's true. What I say is true.

TV news anchor: That's not the only news
we 're hearing from the ocean.

Some initial reports claim
that the land that's risen in the Atlantic

is the sunken continent of a tlantis.

This photograph of so-called a tlanteans

has been posted by passengers
on a holiday cruise ship.

Strange times indeed.

Hmm.

- It's me.
- I know it's you, aziraphale.

Oh, yes, right. Look,
we need to get word upstairs to the...

To the... to the big boss.

There... there's been prophecies.

What's in human prophecies
that matters to us?

Well, er, the kraken wakes
and rises from the sea floor.

So does Atlantis.
And the rainforests return.

And that's just for starters.

Armageddon is coming,

and I'm fairly certain it starts today.
Just after teatime.

Exactly. Right on schedule.
What's your point?

Look, will you please stop,
just for a minute? Please.

- Well?
- I just...

I just thought
there was something we could do.

There is. We can fight. And we can win.

But there doesn't have to be a war.

Of course there does.
Otherwise, how would we win it?

Now, look, wrap up whatever
you need to wrap up down here.

Report back to active service and...

Lose the gut.

Come on.

You're a lean, mean fighting machine!

What are ya?

I'm soft.

Almost forgot. According to our records,

you were issued a flaming sword?

You didn't lose that?

What, like I...

I'd just give it away... or something?

Voice of god:
Two items have been delivered

two horsemen are preparing to ride.

The last two deliveries
still need to be made.

Leslie.

- Come back to bed.
- I can't, love.

I've got deliveries to make.

On a Saturday morning?

Well, at least it's local.
Two jobs and I'm done.

Maud: Leslie...!

Who are these deliveries for?

I don't know, love.

Someone important.

Head office said the job was booked
about 6,000 years ago.

- They were joking.
- Well, the company's only 80 years old.

But I saw the paperwork.

Anyway,

ours is not to reason why.

Ours...

Is to deliver packages.

I love you...

Tiger.

I love you, maud.

I may be out of line here,

but I've been following up
on aziraphale's comments

during our last meeting.

I went back through
the earth observation files.

I'm sure there's
a perfectly innocent explanation.

'Course. Would you have any objection
to me following this up

using back channels?

There are no back channels, Michael.

Michael: It's me.

It's our man aziraphale.

Is there any possibility
he's working for you?

Well, then, you might want to investigate
the activities of the demon crowley.

Might be playing his own game.
Word to the wise.

No, I'm... I'm telling you,
you can't trust him.

Of course you can trust me.

I'm an angel.

Crowley, crowley, crowley...

What have you been playing at?

Crowley: Where should I go?

England's out.

America's out.

Atlantis? Didn't exist yesterday.
It exists today. Still out.

The moon.

No atmosphere. No nightlife.

Alpha centauri.

That's always nice this time of year.

Beautiful nebula.

Look at that.

I helped build that one.

I only ever asked questions.

That's all it took to be a demon
in the old days.

Great plan?

God, you listening?

Show me a great plan.

Ok, I know, you're testing them.

You said you were going
to be testing them.

But you shouldn't test them
to destruction.

Not to the end of the world.

Shouldn't be allowed.

Bloody lorries.

No respect for other road users.

Voice of god: [N the old days,
and it wasn't that long ago, really,

there was an angler
every dozen yards,

children played here,

courting couples came here to hold hands

and to get all lovey-dovey
in the Sussex sunset.

He did that with maud
before they were married.

They came here to spoon

and on one memorable occasion, fork.

Party by the name of chalky, sir?

Look at that river.

Leslie: Yes, sir. It's the pollution.

Progress, you could call it.

It's just so... damn beautiful.

It's a funny old world, though, isn't it?
And no mistake.

I mean,
you go all over the world delivering,

and then you wind up
practically in your own backyard,

so to speak. I've been to Africa,

and des moines.

That's in america, sir.

And now, here I am.

And here's your parcel, sir.

You have to sign for it.

There you go.

Red sky in the morning,
Shepherd's warning.

Or is it sailor's warning?

Everybody's warning.

Voice of god:
The third of the four horsemen

took over when pestilence retired.

Erm...

Voice of god:
They've had lots of interesting jobs

in lots of interesting places.

Helped design the petrol engine,
plastics and hi-tech weedkillers.

They've killed as many people
as famine or as war.

This is pollution.

That one nearly had me.

Death: I'm afraid so.

I've got a message for you, sir.

It's not a package.

It's a message.

Deliver it, then.

It's just this.

"Come and see."

Finally!

What does it mean, sir?

It's a call to action.

War and famine.

Pollution and death. Today, we ride.

Now, don't think of it as dying.

Think of it as leaving early
to avoid the rush.

Have you got any more
of the newaguarians?

Cos... we need to know everything.

You read the ones I gave you already?

Yeah, sure. Hold on.

Do you kids want some candy?

It's chocolate.

- We don't take sweets from...
- Witches.

I do.

Man on radio: And he's back on the line
to James naughtie.

Second man on radio:
So, could what happened

at turning point nuclear power station
be terrorist activity?

Third man on radio: Couldbe/

all we need to do is find
some terrorists capable of remo ving

an entire nuclear reactor
while it's still running

without anyone noticing.

Secon d man: How can it still be producing
electricity if it hasn't got any reactors?

Third man: We don't know that.

We were hoping you clever buggers
at the BBC would have an idea.

Attention!

This is our country.

It's under our protection.

Wish I was going with you.

I'm too old now.

No more lying in the bracken,
spying on their evil ways.

It's all up to you now,
witchfinder private pulsifer.

Find this Adam young
and keep an eye on him.

Shouldn't there be a few more of us

if we're protecting the entire country
from witches?

Nobody said it would be easy,
private pulsifer.

Here. Put this on.

Pendulum of discovery.

Pendulum of discovery.

Thumbscrews.

- Oh, I-I don't think I'll...
- Thumbscrew!

Thumbscrew.

Firelighters.

I'm not actually prepared to burn anyone.

- Firelighters!
- Firelighters.

- Bell.
- Bell.

- Book.
- Book.

And candle.

Bell. Book. Candle.

What are they for?

You might have to exorcise a demon.

How do I do that?

Ring the bell.

Light the candle.

Read the book?

There'll be no time for light reading

when you're under demonic attack, laddie.

And finally...

Pin.

Pin?

Aye. It's the bayonet
in your army of light.

Right.

Well, off to tadfield, then.

Off you go, witchfinder private pulsifer.

And may the armies of glory
march beside you.

Voice of god:
The world was changing.

Whatadam believed was true
was beginning to happen in reality.

Morning, sir, madam or neuter.

- This your planet, is it?
- Yes, I suppose so.

- Had it long, have we?
- Not personally.

As a species,
about half a million years, I think.

Been letting the old acid rain build up,
haven't we, sir?

Been letting ourselves go
with the old hydrocarbons, perhaps?

Sorry?

Well, I'm sorry to have to tell you, sir,
but your polar ice caps

are significantly below regulation size
for a planet of this category, sir.

We'll overlook it on this occasion.

The fact is, sir, we've been asked
to bring you a message.

Oh? Me?

Message runs, "we bring you
a message of universal peace,

"cosmic Harmony and suchlike."

Message ends.

Oh. That's very kind.

Have you any idea why we've been asked
to bring you this message, sir?

I suppose what with man's harnessing
of the atom and, er...

Neither have we, sir.

Neither have we.

You what?

Pulsifer: [ Just got pulled over
by aliens.

Did you count their nipples?

- I didn't think...
- You're a witchfinder,

not an alien finder.

But I'll make a note of it.

I don't know if this is
in your newaguarian magazines,

but I was thinking
we ought to save the whales.

Whales can sing, actually.

And they have very big brains.

And there's hardly any of them left.

If they're so clever,

what are they doing in the sea all day?

Just swimming and eating things

and singing and...

Oh, my god, I want to be a whale.

Right.

We'll save the whales, then.

All of them.

Voice of god:
This is not a whaling ship.

This is a scientific research ship.

Currently, what it is researching
is the question,

how many whales
can it catch in a week?

They see no whales on the radar,
no tuna,

nothing bigger than an anchovy.

And now, the sea bottom
appears to be dropping.

Voice of god:
Beneath the thunders of the upper deep,

far, far beneath in the abyssal sea,

the kraken sleepeth.

And now it's waking up.

TV n ews anchor: Scientists have pronounced
themselves baffled by the appearance

of the enormous sea creature,

which the Internet has begun
to refer to as the kraken,

- after the sea beast of legend.
- What?!

It appears to be targeting whaling ships,

according to a spokesman
for the Japanese government.

Voice of god: And a million Sushi dinners
cry out for vengeance.

I've been thinking... about crowley.

Something's not right.

Oh, look at this.

I'm meant to be getting ready
to go to megiddo to meet the boy.

I should be leaving now.

Instead, I'm standing here with a bucket,

waiting for maintenance
to come fix another bloody pipe.

So, crowley.

What's mr slick done now?

I'm not sure.

But I know it's nothing good.

Oh. Well, that's all right, then.
He's not meant to do good.

Figure of speech.

Nothing bad, then.

Nothing bad?

He's not in trouble?

He's definitely in trouble.

Or he will be.

We going in?

Not yet. We need proof.

But once we've got it, he's toast.

And that's going to hurt.

What, being toasted?

Oh, yeah.

Right. Toast.

Back to armageddon, then.

Look at that!

Agn es: When Robin's blue chariot
inverted be,

three wheels in the sky,

a man with bruises be upon your bed,

aching his head for Willow fine.

He's hurt.
Come on, we should do something.

Brian: We should get him away
from the car. It might blow up.

They do that on telly.

Dick turpin won't blow up.

And you're probably wondering
why it's called dick turpin.

Well...

Demon:
The four horsemen of the apocalypse

will ride over the plain to us,

and then our forces...

I thought the forces of darkness
was a bit long,

so I'm calling us darkforce one.

We rise up, pushing through the earth,

while our opposition descend from above.

This is armageddon.

This is where the world will end.

Demon:
Well, that's the Greek name for it.

Technically, "the fields of megiddo".

Yeah. Archaeological excavations
over there,

avocado fields that way.

- They grow avocados here?
- Yes.

We have a joke. We say...

"It's going to be one big avocado."

I, er... I don't like jokes.

I don't do jokes.

And when people do jokes
in my presence,

they rapidly find themselves
swallowing their tongues.

No, I tell a lie.

It's mostly me
that swallows their tongues.

So, what time do the boy
and the hell-hound get here?

About 20 minutes.

The ambassador's here for a photo op
with the ruins of the temple.

And when they arrive,

our master's son will come into his own.

A photo op?

What's... what's... what's a photo op?

Is it... is it anotherjoke?

No, your disgrace. It's...

Well, you know what a selfie is.

I believe the demon crowley invented them.

When all is ready,

the boy and the dog

and the four horsemen will converge here.

And the boy will give the word

and armageddon will begin.

One...

One big avocado.

Adam: Anathema, we found a man!

- He was in a car accident.
- I know. Come in.

Let's get him upstairs.

It's almost like you were expecting him.

Anath ema: I was.

I was hoping he wouldn't come.

If he didn't turn up,
maybe none of it was real.

But if he's here...

Then the beast is real.

Pepper: You mean dog?

Anathema: No. It's nothing.

Nothing you kids need to worry about,
anyway.

Hey, do you guys want some sandwiches?

Wensleydale: I have
a very nutritious lunch waiting at home.

My mother likes me to come home
with an appetite.

Voices whisper: Make it happen.
Make it real.

Make it happen. Make it real.
Make it happen...

Bye, anathema.

You coming, Adam?

I didn't say you could go.

See you after lunch.

- Brian: Adam's different.
- Pepper: Don't be wet.

Wensleydale:
Actually, that's why we like him.

He's not boring.

Brian: Oh, you know whatl mean.
You must do.

Pepper: He's Adam!

He comes up with all the best games
and all the best ideas.

Brian: Yeah, but something's changed.

He's not the same any more.

Can I say something stupid
without you thinking it's stupid?

I was scared
he wouldn't let us go just then.

That's stupid.

Wensleydale: Actually, I felt that, too.

Honey, I'm still not clear
on what we're doing here.

This is life as a diplomat.

One moment you're in London,
the next we're familially interfacing

with Israeli archaeological sites

- on a historical fact-finding vacation.
- But it doesn't make any sense.

You don't argue with the state department,
hon.

Is this because I said
the president's wife looked like a floozy?

Because I never said that.

And this is our local guide
to the archaeological site of megiddo.

Mister...

I'm hastur... la vista.

I'm an archaeologist.

Which one of you is the ambassador?

Thaddeus dowling, at your service.

- My wife, Harriet.
- An honour.

You must be warlock.

You smell like poo.

Funny boy.

Always love a good joke, me.

I've heard a lot about you.

- Where's the dog?
- Thaddeus: So, professor la vista,

I understood from our briefing

that tel megiddo was part of
tiglath-pileser's administrative centre.

- The assyrian kings fascinate me...
- Will you shut up?!

Where's the dog?

Why doesn't the boy have a dog?

Do you hear voices?

What are they saying?

What are they telling you?

- The voices...
- Yes.

In my head all say...

What?!

That you smell like poo.

Crowley!

Hastur's voice: What the heaven
is going on, crowley?

What have you done?

Hastur. Hey. Not following you.
How do you mean?

The boy... the boy called warlock.

We took him to the fields of megiddo.

The dog is not with him.

The child knows nothing of the great war.

He is not our master's son.

He said that I...

That I smelled of poo.

- Well, you can see his point.
- You're dead meat, crowley.

You're bloody history.

You stay where you are.
We're coming to collect you.

Anathema: You are
witchfinder private Newton pulsifer.

Apparently, all magistrates
are enjoined to give you

as much dry kindling as you need
to burn any witches,

hags or beldam you discover.

Er... I'm not actually a real witchfinder.

There aren't really any witches.

I'm actually a... computer engineer.

I just needed something
to get me out of the house.

Hmm.

I'm anathema device.

I really am a witch.

You should read that. It's about you.

It will save time.

"When Robins blue chariot inverted be,

"three wheels in the sky,

"a man with bruises be upon your bed,

"aching his head for Willow fine."

That's you,
the car crash and the aspirin.

Have you ever heard of Agnes nutter?

I'm afraid not.

Anath ema: A witch from 300 years ago.

['M her descendant.

One of your ancestors
burned her at the stake.

- Adultery pulsifer.
- Anath ema: Or tried to.

Ancestors?

Thou shalt not commit adultery pulsifer.

Hmm. Your family obviously
has a tendency to burn mine,

so I...

I took your matches.

I'm not going to burn anyone.

I know.

Agnes would have told us if you were.

She wrote all these prophecies
in a book published

- in 1655.
- Did she know

I was going to crash my car?

Yes.

Well, I mean... yes.

My family has been trying to figure out

Agnes's nice and accurate prophecies
for 400 years now.

You could say
we're professional descendants.

How many prophecies are there?

Thousands.
It averages to about a prophecy a month.

Oh, more now, in fact, as we get
closer to the end of the world.

When is that supposed to be?

Er... in around four hours
and 15 minutes.

Oh, come on.
The world isn't really going to end today.

The end of the world
starts here in tadfield,

this afternoon, according to Agnes.

- I just can't find it.
- It?

The antichrist. The great beast.

I've been searching for it,
but it's impossible to find.

"Where the hogge's back ends,
the young beast will take the world,

"and Adam's line will end
in fire and darkness."

Hogge's back.

Adam young.

Aziraphale: And his address

is number four, hogback Lane, tadfield,

- what did you say?
- Adam young.

He lives at 4 hogback Lane.

I was told to keep an eye on him.

How did you...?

Oh, I didn't... shit.

Adam, that's... that's crazy.

He's such a sweet kid. Him and his friends
were the ones that brought you in here,

I mean, he's... he's the sweetest kid
in the village.

I mean, he can't be the great beast
at the end of the world.

Come on.

Pepper: We don't want to go with you.

Wensleydale: Actually, I reallydon't.

Brian: I don't like this!

There's no point in going home.

It doesn't matter. That's all done now.

But we don't actually want to go with you.

You know why you're all coming
with me, wensley?

Because there's nowhere else to go.

What's the point?

What's going to be left when we grow up?

Everywhere you look,
there's all this environment going on.

Everything's being killed or used up,

and no-one takes it seriously.

Everyone thinks that somehow
it'll all just get better again.

Where's the sense in that?

Adam, this is all wrong.
I'm not going with you.

- But you are.
- It isn't actually funny.

Pepper: Wensley's right.

It's a stupid game.

And you're being weird.

It's ourjob to make it start again.

Right, dog?

Crowley: Angel! I'm sorry.

I apologise. Whatever I said,
I didn't mean it. Work with me,

I'm apologising here.
Yes? Good. Get in the car.

- What? No!
- The forces of hell

have figured out it was my fault.

But we can run away together.
Alpha centauri.

Lots of spare planets up there.
Nobody'd even notice us.

Crowley, you're being ridiculous.
Look, I'm quite sure if I can just...

Just reach the right people,
then I can get all this sorted out.

There aren't any right people.
There's just god,

moving in mysterious ways
and not talking to any of us.

Well, yes, and that is why I'm going
to have a word with the almighty,

and then the almighty will fix it.

That won't happen.

You're so clever.

How can somebody as clever as you
be so stupid?

I forgive you.

I'm going home, angel!

I'm getting my stuff and I'm leaving!

And when I'm off in the stars,
I won't even think about you!

I've been there.

You're better off without him.

Hastur: Crowley!

Hastu r: Crowley!

We only want a little word with you.

We know you're in there.

Crowley!

In here, people.

That's...! That's...! That's holy water!

I can't believe even a demon
would... would... would...

Holy water! That's... that's...

- But he hadn't done nothing to you!
- Yet.

You...

You don't frighten me.

Do you know what this is?

This is a plant mister,

cheapest and most efficient
on the market today.

It can squirt a fine spray
of water into the air.

It's filled with holy water.

It can turn you... into that.

You're bluffing.

Maybe I am. Maybe I'm not.

Ask yourself,

do you feel lucky?

Yes. Do you?

Time to go, crowley.

Hello? I know where the anti...

On answering machine:
Hi this is Anthony crowley.

- You know what to do. Do it with style.
- Don't move!

There's something very important
you need to know

before you disgrace yourself.

Aziraphale:
[ Know where the antichrist is...

Yeah, it's not a good time.
Got an old friend here.

But...

Well, you've definitely passed the test.

You're ready to start playing
with the big boys.

What?

You're mad.

The lords of hell had to make sure
you were trustworthy

before we gave you command
of the legions of the damned

in the war ahead.

And, hastur, Duke of hell,

- you've come through with flying colours.
- Me?

No. I-I wouldn't expect you
to believe me, Duke hastur.

But why don't we talk to the dark council?

Let's see if they can convince you.

You're calling the dark council?

Yes, I am.

And they say, "so long, sucker!"

Voice of god: You're probably wondering

where crowley has gone.

Demons aren't bound by physics.

Over the years,

a huge number of theological man-hours

have been spent debating the question,

"how many angels can dance
on the head of a pin?"

To answer it we need information.

Firstly, angels don't dance.

It's one of the distinguishing
characteristics that marks an angel.

So, none.

A t least nearly none.

Aziraphale had learned
a dance called the gavotte

in a discreet gentlemen's club
in Portland place in the late 78805.

After a while,
he had become fairly good at it

and was quite put out
when, some decades later,

the ga votte went out of style for good.

So, providing the dance was a ga votte,

the answer is a straightforward... one.

Then again, you might just as well ask

how many demons
can dance on the head of a pin.

They're of the same original stock,
after all.

And at least demons dance.

Not what you 'd call good dancing, though.

For demons or for angels,

size and shape are simply options.

So, if you look from really close up,

the only problem
about dancing on the head of a pin

is all those big gaps between electrons.

That's where crowley has gone.

That's where hastur is following.

Right now, they are both travelling
incredibly fast

- through the telephone system.
- Whoa-oh!

Woo-hoo-hoo!

Hastu r: Crowley!

You can't escape me!

Wherever you come out, I come out, too!

Three, two, one...

You hear me? Crowley!

On machine: Hey, this isanthony cro...

Hastur, on machine:
Where are you, you little runt?

.I' heard your voice.

You and your best friend aziraphale,

you're dead meat!

Voice of god: Hastur, Duke of hell,
is now trapped on a tape

inside crowley's antique telephone
answering machine.

Hastu r: Where am I'?
Don't leave me here.

Aziraphale:
[ Know where the antichrist is.

- Oh, no.
- .I' know where the antichrist is...

Oh, no, you wouldn't.

You wouldn't dare, you...

Hastu r: You snake!

Michael: Hello, aziraphale.

Oh, Michael.

Sandalphon.

Hello, erm...

We've just been learning
some rather disturbing things about you.

You've been a bit of a... fallen angel,
haven't you?

Consorting with the enemy...

Oh, I-I-I haven't been consorting.

Don't think your boyfriend
in the dark glasses

will get you special treatment in hell.

He's in trouble, too.

Aziraphale, it's time to choose sides.

I've... I've actually been giving that
a lot of thought.

The, erm,
the whole "choosing sides" thing.

Erm, what I think is
that there obviously has to be two sides.

That's the whole point,
so people can make choices.

That's... that's what being human means -

choices.

But... but that's... that's for them.

Our job as... as angels
should be to keep all this working

so they can make choices.

You think too much.

You... you mustn't.

Why would you do this?

We're the good guys.
I have to warn you that...

That I'm going to take
this entire interaction up with...

Up with...

A higher authority.

You really think upstairs
will take your call?

You're ridiculous.

Oh, this is great. It's starting.

You... you...

Bad angels!

Seems to me it'd serve everyone right

if all the nuclear bombs went off
and it started again,

only properly this time.

Then we could sort it all out.

There's all these bombs going off.
People get killed.

Speaking as a mother
of unborn generations,

I'm against it.

You'd all be fine. I'd see to that.

It'd be wicked, eh, to have
the whole world to ourselves, wouldn't it?

We could have amazing games.
We could have war with real armies.

But there won't be any people.

They'd all be dead.

Oh, I can make us some new people.

Adam, please let us go home.
I want my mummy and my daddy.

I'll make you new mummies and daddies.

Please, Adam!

Adam, what are you doing?!

I've got friends coming soon.

You'll like them. They're a lot like you.

They're going to help me make it all stop.

Actually, Adam, please, I can't move!

- I don't like this game!
- You wait.

It's going to be wicked!

So we find this Adam,
and then what do we do?

Stop him! He's bringing armageddon.

So we... ask him nicely to stop?

I don't know. Agnes doesn't say.

She goes off on stuff about...

You and me.

- Like what?
- Oh, well, stupid stuff.

You... you don't want to know.

Hogback Lane isn't far from here.

Hold on!

I'm not an idiot!

You don't get tornados in england!

We do today!

Prophecy 691!

The wind should drop in a few seconds,
then redouble.

We'll have less than a minute
to go back inside

before it starts again. Got it?

Ok. Got it.

Under the bed!

This is insane!

You don't get tornados here!

Did Agnes say what we have to do next?

Agnes: Let the wheel of fate turn.

Let harts enjoin.

There are other tyres than mine.

When the whirl wynd whirls,

- reach oute one to another.
- Pulsifer: "Reach out to one another."

The world's about to end, and I've...

I've never...

Never robbed a bank.

I've never got a parking ticket.

I've never eaten Thai food.

I've never been abroad.

I've never learned to play
a musical instrument,

and I've never...

Kissed a girl?

No, not even once.

Huh.

Madame Tracy:
I made you a nice cup of tea.

I made it just the way you like it.

Nine sugars and condensed milk.

Awa' wi' ye, ye murrain plashed berrizene.

Oh, mr shadwell.

You say the nicest things.

I've sent him into the jaws of doom.

- Who?
- Private pulsifer.

Aye, he's just a lad. I let him go alone.

I should have gone with him.

Well, he's just having a nice day out.

That's... unusual.

I'm a bad man
and a worse witchfinder sergeant.

I cannot believe I let him go alone.

I should go to him.

There's a train to tadfield.

I can't get there on my bus pass.

There's not funds for a train ticket.

Oh, I'll not travel on the wages

- of harlotry and ghost-raising.
- You'll need an extra £5

for a sandwich and a coffee.

Wait.

Shouldn't we have dinner
or something first?

Sh. No time.

Well, if you won't take it from me,

what about one of those nice men
that called?

Mr crowley won't give me an advance.

I think he's mafia.

But the southern pansy in the bookshop
might be a soft touch.

Aye, he's got money.

Even now,
young pulsifer could be suffering

unimaginable tortures
at the hands of the daughters of night.

I can't imagine what he's going through.

Aye, we can't leave our people in there.

They could be doing all manner of things
to him right this moment.

Well, I don't suppose
it'll be the end of the world,

even if they are, mr s.

Wensleydale: But, please, Adam!
We have to go home!

This is your home! Here, with me!

You don't have to go home
or go to school or anything.

Or do anything
you don't want to do, ever again.

Adam, just stop it!

Shouts: Shut up!

Just stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

Stop talking!
You all have to stop talking now!

Everybody, stop talking!

Hello.

This is the principality aziraphale.

I'm looking for, erm...

A higher authority.

Is there anybody there?

We're closed!

This really is frightfully important.

I'm prepared to take this
all the way to the top.

I, erm...

I-I-I need to speak to the almighty.

Metatron: Speak, aziraphale.

Am I speaking to...

."God?

You are speaking to the metatron,
aziraphale.

To speak to me is to speak to god.

I am the voice of the almighty.

Aziraphale: Well, yes.
But you are the voice of the almighty

in the same way as, erm,
a presidential spokesman

is... is the voice of the president.

I actually need to speak directly to god.

What is said to me
is said to the almighty.

Well, aziraphale?

I want to complain
about the conduct of a few angels.

But the... the important thing
is the antichrist.

I know who he is, I know where he is.

Good work, well done.

So there doesn't need to be
any of that nonsense about, erm,

a third of the seas turning to blood
or anything.

There needn't be a war.
We can save everyone.

The point is not to avoid the war.

The point is to win it.

What sort of, er, initiating event
will precipitate the war?

We thought a multi-nation nuclear exchange

would be a nice start.

Very imaginative.

The battle commences, aziraphale.

- Join us.
- In a jiffy.

Two shakes of a lamb's tail.

Just a... a couple of things
left to tie up.

We will leave the gateway open
for you, then.

Do not dawdle.

Yes. Jolly, eh... jolly good.

- Hello. I know where the anti...
- Hi this is Anthony crowley.

You know what to do.
Do it with style.

Well, I know who you are, you idiot.

I telephoned you.
Listen, I know where the anti...

Yeah, it's not a good time.
Got an old friend here.

- But...
- Shadwell: You foul fiend!

In league with the forces of darkness!

Sergeant shadwell?

You monster!

Seducing women to do your evil will.

Oh, I think perhaps
you've got the wrong shop.

You are possessed by a demon,

and I will exorcise you
with bell, book and candle.

Yes, er, fine. But, please, keep away from
the circle. It's... it's still powered up.

Bell.

I'm honestly not a demon.

I-I don't know what you think you saw,
but...

Book!

Please, you-you-you must keep away
from the... the circle.

- Practically a candle.
- Look, the circle is on...

- With the powers invested in me...
- And it would be very unwise

for you to step into it...

- I charge ye to leave this place...
- Without the proper precautions.

Whatever you think you've seen...

- And to return henceforth...
- Just don't cross the circle.

- To the place from which you came.
- You stupid man!

And deliver us from evil,
returning no more!

Fuck!

Hello?