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1
00:00:04,604 --> 00:00:06,038
Five continents.
2
00:00:06,106 --> 00:00:08,007
12 countries.
3
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19 cities.
4
00:00:09,576 --> 00:00:10,976
50,000 miles.
5
00:00:11,044 --> 00:00:12,044
Five characters.
6
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One dead terrorist.
7
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We're all over the map.
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Subtitle by JustCosmin
9
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Hey, guys.
10
00:00:23,723 --> 00:00:26,058
I just completed the longest
and biggest tour I've ever been
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00:00:26,126 --> 00:00:28,427
on, and I couldn't have done
it without my wife Audrey,
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00:00:28,495 --> 00:00:31,263
who's travelled everywhere, or
without my friend Jeff Rothpan,
13
00:00:31,331 --> 00:00:34,566
who's never traveled further
than his own mailbox.
14
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Was I little concerned about
doing shows in the Far East,
15
00:00:37,137 --> 00:00:38,804
and Africa, and the Middle East?
16
00:00:38,872 --> 00:00:41,840
No, I was a lot concerned.
17
00:00:41,908 --> 00:00:46,779
But the adventures
all began in Iceland.
18
00:00:46,846 --> 00:00:48,547
Walt, I'm just impressed
that all these folks
19
00:00:48,615 --> 00:00:49,681
came out for our show tonight?
20
00:00:49,749 --> 00:00:50,549
-Well, don't be?
21
00:00:50,617 --> 00:00:51,216
-Why?
22
00:00:51,284 --> 00:00:51,884
-Well, it's Iceland.
23
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It's not you or us.
24
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There's nothing else to do here.
25
00:00:54,421 --> 00:00:57,723
[laughter]
26
00:01:03,263 --> 00:01:05,464
-You know that Iceland has
one of the highest life
27
00:01:05,532 --> 00:01:07,866
expectancies in
the entire world?
28
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-I did not know that.
29
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-Especially women.
30
00:01:09,803 --> 00:01:10,769
-Yeah?
31
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-Yeah, here a woman's
average lifespan
32
00:01:11,738 --> 00:01:13,539
and is 90 to 100 years.
33
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-Send my wife home immediately.
34
00:01:22,248 --> 00:01:22,981
What is this?
35
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Hell on earth?
36
00:01:26,619 --> 00:01:28,754
-How do you like the food here?
37
00:01:28,822 --> 00:01:31,590
-Oh, very funny.
38
00:01:31,658 --> 00:01:34,059
I tried some of that--
what do you called that?
39
00:01:34,127 --> 00:01:36,628
Hakharl hacaral hakaral.
40
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You cannot speak Icelandic
without moving your lips,
41
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I'm telling you.
42
00:01:46,372 --> 00:01:47,439
Think of that.
43
00:01:47,507 --> 00:01:49,408
There's no Icelandic
ventriloquist ever.
44
00:01:53,346 --> 00:01:57,116
I will say, though, I think the
folks of Iceland are geniuses.
45
00:01:57,183 --> 00:01:58,217
-How's that?
46
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-They know how to
keep it from getting
47
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overcrowded with foreigners.
48
00:02:01,187 --> 00:02:02,187
-How's that?
49
00:02:02,255 --> 00:02:06,458
-Simply by naming
the place Iceland.
50
00:02:06,526 --> 00:02:09,928
It sounds like you'll
freeze your ass off.
51
00:02:09,996 --> 00:02:13,632
Plus it's easier to say than
the dark long winter land
52
00:02:13,700 --> 00:02:16,768
where the weather is [beep].
53
00:02:16,836 --> 00:02:20,572
We're morons for naming our
country the United States.
54
00:02:20,640 --> 00:02:22,307
Sounds way too welcoming.
55
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We should've called our country
crazy assholes with guns.
56
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[laughter]
57
00:02:27,113 --> 00:02:29,581
[applause]
58
00:02:29,649 --> 00:02:31,617
-Did you get a chance
to go to a volcano?
59
00:02:31,684 --> 00:02:32,851
-Oh, yes I did.
60
00:02:32,919 --> 00:02:33,685
-Did you take your wife?
61
00:02:33,753 --> 00:02:34,486
-Yes, I did.
62
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-What'd she think?
63
00:02:35,788 --> 00:02:37,556
-She kept saying the
same thing over and over.
64
00:02:37,624 --> 00:02:38,357
-What?
65
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-Stop trying to push me in.
66
00:02:42,829 --> 00:02:46,265
-Did you know that every
single city in Iceland
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is named after the
sound a cat makes
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when throwing up a hair ball?
69
00:02:50,069 --> 00:02:53,372
[laughter]
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00:02:56,342 --> 00:02:57,109
I learned that.
71
00:02:57,177 --> 00:02:58,143
-That's not true.
72
00:02:58,211 --> 00:02:58,944
-Oh?
73
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Reygoovableh.
74
00:03:00,446 --> 00:03:03,749
[laughter]
75
00:03:03,816 --> 00:03:04,483
There it is.
76
00:03:07,654 --> 00:03:08,921
-Even though it's
named Iceland, did you
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00:03:08,988 --> 00:03:11,490
know the winters here
are actually fairly mild?
78
00:03:11,558 --> 00:03:12,257
-No.
79
00:03:12,325 --> 00:03:13,258
-Mm-hm.
80
00:03:13,326 --> 00:03:15,460
-Oh.
81
00:03:15,528 --> 00:03:16,962
Guess they should
have called it Chile.
82
00:03:17,030 --> 00:03:20,199
[laughter]
83
00:03:21,834 --> 00:03:24,136
-Have you seen the colors
of the Icelandic flag?
84
00:03:24,204 --> 00:03:25,971
-Uh, no, I haven't seen it.
85
00:03:26,039 --> 00:03:27,673
-There's red for
the volcanic fires.
86
00:03:27,740 --> 00:03:29,107
-Oh, that's good.
87
00:03:29,175 --> 00:03:30,576
-Blue for the mountains
in the distance.
88
00:03:30,643 --> 00:03:31,376
-Yeah.
89
00:03:31,444 --> 00:03:32,044
-And white--
90
00:03:32,111 --> 00:03:32,911
-For the people.
91
00:03:32,979 --> 00:03:36,782
[laughter]
92
00:03:50,730 --> 00:03:53,932
-OK, did you know they have
the oldest tree in Norway
93
00:03:54,000 --> 00:03:54,833
right here in Bergen.
94
00:03:54,901 --> 00:03:55,567
-Fascinating.
95
00:03:59,739 --> 00:04:01,974
If I want to see them old
wood, I'll take a Viagra.
96
00:04:02,041 --> 00:04:04,743
[laughter]
97
00:04:04,811 --> 00:04:05,711
Thank you.
98
00:04:05,778 --> 00:04:08,080
Thank you.
99
00:04:08,147 --> 00:04:08,981
Thank you.
100
00:04:12,518 --> 00:04:15,921
-Did you know the first ever
ski jumper was from Norway?
101
00:04:15,989 --> 00:04:17,256
-Let me guess,
married and miserable?
102
00:04:21,227 --> 00:04:22,694
-So you've never
been snow skiing?
103
00:04:22,762 --> 00:04:24,263
-Actually, yes, once.
104
00:04:24,330 --> 00:04:25,364
Broke a leg.
105
00:04:25,431 --> 00:04:26,732
-Oh, I bet that hurt.
106
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-I don't know.
107
00:04:27,600 --> 00:04:30,002
Wasn't my leg.
108
00:04:30,069 --> 00:04:33,639
-Do you know where I can buy
some whiskey around here?
109
00:04:33,706 --> 00:04:35,440
-Well, in Norway you
can only buy liquor
110
00:04:35,508 --> 00:04:38,777
from special stores
called, uh, good god.
111
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[laughter]
112
00:04:41,948 --> 00:04:46,351
Vin-- how do you say it?
113
00:04:46,419 --> 00:04:47,085
Yeah, that.
114
00:04:49,989 --> 00:04:54,960
-There are none-- nur
none hur dun nur dun.
115
00:04:55,028 --> 00:04:56,895
-So we've done a lot
of interesting things
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00:04:56,963 --> 00:04:58,163
while in Norway.
117
00:04:58,231 --> 00:05:00,332
-This morning I milked a goat.
118
00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:01,733
-Oh?
119
00:05:01,801 --> 00:05:04,536
-Achmed got mad at me.
120
00:05:04,604 --> 00:05:06,071
I think I was
touching his chick.
121
00:05:09,275 --> 00:05:10,575
-So while we're here.
122
00:05:10,643 --> 00:05:12,177
-Wait, I want to
ask you something.
123
00:05:12,245 --> 00:05:13,011
Can we go to Ikea?
124
00:05:15,782 --> 00:05:16,548
-This is Norway.
125
00:05:16,616 --> 00:05:17,582
Ikea is in Sweden.
126
00:05:17,650 --> 00:05:18,917
-Oh, too bad.
127
00:05:18,985 --> 00:05:22,020
I wanted to give Ikea a
new advertising slogan.
128
00:05:22,088 --> 00:05:22,888
-And what's that?
129
00:05:22,955 --> 00:05:23,889
-I-keel-you.
130
00:05:23,956 --> 00:05:28,760
[laughter]
131
00:05:33,800 --> 00:05:36,868
-So Achmed, did you know the
biathlon is popular here?
132
00:05:36,936 --> 00:05:38,637
-What is this biathlon?
133
00:05:38,705 --> 00:05:40,205
It's where you ski
and shoot a gun.
134
00:05:40,273 --> 00:05:40,972
-Oh!
135
00:05:41,040 --> 00:05:42,174
Yes, of course.
136
00:05:42,241 --> 00:05:46,712
But in Los Angeles, you
drive and shoot a gun.
137
00:05:46,779 --> 00:05:48,780
-I also learned today that
the Vikings put their dead
138
00:05:48,848 --> 00:05:50,082
on a boat and sent
them out to sea.
139
00:05:50,149 --> 00:05:50,916
-Yes, of course.
140
00:05:50,983 --> 00:05:53,285
The first Norwegian Cruise Line.
141
00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:56,722
[laughter]
142
00:06:14,140 --> 00:06:17,042
-So have you learned much about
Ireland since we got here?
143
00:06:17,110 --> 00:06:22,080
-I'd say Americans and the
Irish pretty much think alike.
144
00:06:22,148 --> 00:06:23,482
-How's that?
145
00:06:23,549 --> 00:06:26,485
-Most of us think our government
should take flying [beep] leap.
146
00:06:26,552 --> 00:06:28,420
[laughter]
147
00:06:28,488 --> 00:06:32,190
[applause]
148
00:06:34,827 --> 00:06:38,497
-Well, besides politics, did
you know that Bram Stoker who
149
00:06:38,564 --> 00:06:40,565
created Dracula is from Dublin?
150
00:06:40,633 --> 00:06:41,400
-Oh really?
151
00:06:41,467 --> 00:06:44,536
No, Dracula.
152
00:06:44,604 --> 00:06:46,004
Dracula?
153
00:06:46,072 --> 00:06:48,273
You mean the guy who sleeps
all day, goes out every night,
154
00:06:48,341 --> 00:06:49,341
and can't stop drinking?
155
00:06:49,409 --> 00:06:52,077
[laughter]
156
00:06:52,145 --> 00:06:55,347
[applause]
157
00:06:56,983 --> 00:07:01,653
Wonder where Stoker
got that idea?
158
00:07:01,721 --> 00:07:03,822
I once picked up an
Irish hitchhiker.
159
00:07:03,890 --> 00:07:04,623
-You did?
160
00:07:04,690 --> 00:07:05,290
-Yeah.
161
00:07:05,358 --> 00:07:05,957
-Where was he going?
162
00:07:06,025 --> 00:07:06,792
-Rehab.
163
00:07:06,859 --> 00:07:08,126
[laughter]
164
00:07:08,194 --> 00:07:10,462
[applause]
165
00:07:10,530 --> 00:07:12,631
Seems like he was Irish.
166
00:07:12,698 --> 00:07:13,899
[gibberish]
167
00:07:13,966 --> 00:07:18,036
[laughter]
168
00:07:20,039 --> 00:07:24,910
[gibberish]
169
00:07:24,977 --> 00:07:26,111
-You're not saying anything.
170
00:07:26,179 --> 00:07:27,546
-No, but they can understand me.
171
00:07:27,613 --> 00:07:28,780
[laughter]
172
00:07:28,848 --> 00:07:33,251
[applause]
173
00:07:33,319 --> 00:07:35,053
-So what do you think
about Dublin so far?
174
00:07:35,121 --> 00:07:38,957
-Oh, duh, dur, uh, this
is the land of beer.
175
00:07:39,025 --> 00:07:39,958
-That's right.
176
00:07:40,026 --> 00:07:42,461
-I know we're going
to Israel soon,
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00:07:42,528 --> 00:07:44,763
but while we've
been here in Dublin,
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I've seen pubs
everywhere, so I'm
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00:07:47,667 --> 00:07:50,068
pretty sure this
is the Holy Land.
180
00:07:50,136 --> 00:07:51,970
[laughter]
181
00:07:52,038 --> 00:07:55,240
[applause]
182
00:07:59,712 --> 00:08:02,914
And this is the biggest
alcoholics anonymous meeting
183
00:08:02,982 --> 00:08:04,115
I've ever been to.
184
00:08:07,854 --> 00:08:09,120
-I have a joke.
185
00:08:09,188 --> 00:08:10,422
-All right.
186
00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:12,924
-What do you call
women in Ireland?
187
00:08:12,992 --> 00:08:13,892
-I don't know.
188
00:08:13,960 --> 00:08:15,327
What do you call
women in Ireland?
189
00:08:15,394 --> 00:08:17,262
-You call them women,
you chauvinist bastard.
190
00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:24,069
-We landed in Belfast the
other day, and I'm like what?
191
00:08:24,136 --> 00:08:24,936
Belfast?
192
00:08:25,004 --> 00:08:26,538
Am I here for a job interview.
193
00:08:26,606 --> 00:08:29,274
[laughter]
194
00:08:29,342 --> 00:08:32,244
[applause]
195
00:08:32,311 --> 00:08:34,446
I love Dublin.
196
00:08:34,514 --> 00:08:37,549
I would never do
anything evil to Dublin.
197
00:08:37,617 --> 00:08:38,483
-Really?
198
00:08:38,551 --> 00:08:40,485
-I'm afraid of the soccer fans.
199
00:08:40,553 --> 00:08:43,989
[laughter]
200
00:08:44,056 --> 00:08:46,324
But have you looked
at this audience?
201
00:08:46,392 --> 00:08:47,292
-Yes.
202
00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:49,628
-Closely.
203
00:08:49,695 --> 00:08:50,729
When the lights are out?
204
00:08:50,796 --> 00:08:51,897
-Yes.
205
00:08:51,964 --> 00:08:54,733
-I am made entirely
out of bone and teeth,
206
00:08:54,800 --> 00:08:56,768
and my color actually blends in.
207
00:08:56,836 --> 00:08:58,670
[laughter]
208
00:08:58,738 --> 00:09:02,507
[applause]
209
00:09:02,575 --> 00:09:04,609
-All right, Achmed, look, as
everybody was coming tonight,
210
00:09:04,677 --> 00:09:06,578
they were given an opportunity
or two to ask you a question.
211
00:09:06,646 --> 00:09:07,913
-Yes.
212
00:09:07,980 --> 00:09:10,649
-And everybody wrote them
down, and before the show
213
00:09:10,716 --> 00:09:13,184
we grabbed a handful, and I
think you should answer them?
214
00:09:13,252 --> 00:09:14,486
-Okie dokie.
215
00:09:14,554 --> 00:09:16,688
-Dear Achmed, does Guinness
go right through you?
216
00:09:16,756 --> 00:09:19,190
[laughter]
217
00:09:19,258 --> 00:09:20,125
-You asshole!
218
00:09:23,763 --> 00:09:25,096
Yes!
219
00:09:25,164 --> 00:09:26,598
And so does potatoes--
220
00:09:26,666 --> 00:09:29,034
[laughter]
221
00:09:29,101 --> 00:09:30,068
Corned beef and
[bleep] sunlight.
222
00:09:40,980 --> 00:09:45,150
-Isn't England where
Mary Poppins is from.
223
00:09:45,217 --> 00:09:46,451
-It took place in London.
224
00:09:46,519 --> 00:09:47,352
-Oh yeah, OK.
225
00:09:47,420 --> 00:09:48,320
Yeah.
226
00:09:48,387 --> 00:09:49,387
You know, I dated
her for a while.
227
00:09:54,193 --> 00:09:55,327
-You dated Mary Poppins?
228
00:09:55,394 --> 00:09:56,127
-Yes, I did.
229
00:09:56,195 --> 00:09:56,695
-No.
230
00:09:56,762 --> 00:09:57,395
-Yeah, I did.
231
00:09:57,463 --> 00:09:58,229
We were very young.
232
00:09:58,297 --> 00:10:00,298
-Oh really?
233
00:10:00,366 --> 00:10:04,002
-I was the first guy to get
into her chim chim cher-ee.
234
00:10:04,070 --> 00:10:07,305
[laughter]
235
00:10:10,276 --> 00:10:12,611
Kinda ruined things when
in the moment of passion
236
00:10:12,678 --> 00:10:14,813
she started screaming
some weird word.
237
00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:19,484
It was like super
California refrigerator
238
00:10:19,552 --> 00:10:21,086
x the delicious lotion.
239
00:10:21,153 --> 00:10:24,055
Something like that.
240
00:10:24,123 --> 00:10:27,626
-Uh, I love this country
because just about everything
241
00:10:27,693 --> 00:10:29,628
is double entendre.
242
00:10:29,695 --> 00:10:30,428
-Like what?
243
00:10:30,496 --> 00:10:30,996
-Oh, come on.
244
00:10:31,063 --> 00:10:31,630
Even the food.
245
00:10:31,697 --> 00:10:32,464
Bangers and mash?
246
00:10:32,531 --> 00:10:35,200
Come on!
247
00:10:35,267 --> 00:10:37,002
-That's sausages and potatoes.
248
00:10:37,069 --> 00:10:41,172
-It sounds more like
a male dance team.
249
00:10:41,240 --> 00:10:44,709
Or two guys dating.
250
00:10:44,777 --> 00:10:48,380
I don't want to be
mash, all right?
251
00:10:48,447 --> 00:10:51,416
-Did you know that the very
first x-ray was take right here
252
00:10:51,484 --> 00:10:53,852
in Birmingham, England in 1896?
253
00:10:53,919 --> 00:10:55,020
-Ha!
254
00:10:55,087 --> 00:10:59,824
You call it an x-ray,
I call it a selfie.
255
00:10:59,892 --> 00:11:01,292
-So what did you do today?
256
00:11:01,360 --> 00:11:05,630
-I saw where they keep all
those useless wax figures.
257
00:11:05,698 --> 00:11:06,965
-Ah, Madame Tussauds Wax Museum.
258
00:11:07,033 --> 00:11:07,766
-No, no, no.
259
00:11:07,833 --> 00:11:08,533
Parliament.
260
00:11:08,601 --> 00:11:09,901
[laughter]
261
00:11:09,969 --> 00:11:14,305
[applause]
262
00:11:14,373 --> 00:11:15,907
-With that in mind,
have you learned
263
00:11:15,975 --> 00:11:17,575
anything since we've been here?
264
00:11:17,643 --> 00:11:20,311
-Uh, I've learned that
the folks in Birmingham
265
00:11:20,379 --> 00:11:22,881
like to be called Birmies.
266
00:11:22,948 --> 00:11:25,316
-Right.
267
00:11:25,384 --> 00:11:27,786
-So I took that
knowledge forward.
268
00:11:27,853 --> 00:11:29,854
Unfortunately, the
folks in Scotland
269
00:11:29,922 --> 00:11:31,356
do not like to be
called Scummies.
270
00:11:34,093 --> 00:11:37,796
Oh, they got all pissed off.
271
00:11:37,863 --> 00:11:39,297
I don't know what the
hell they were saying.
272
00:11:39,365 --> 00:11:40,832
You ever try to talk
to an angry Scot?
273
00:11:40,900 --> 00:11:42,400
Good god.
274
00:11:42,468 --> 00:11:44,736
[angry gibberish]
275
00:11:51,143 --> 00:11:52,410
The [bleep] are you saying?
276
00:11:55,881 --> 00:11:57,348
, so what do you
think of Liverpool so far?
277
00:11:57,416 --> 00:11:58,450
-Having a good time.
278
00:11:58,517 --> 00:12:01,820
Yeah, lots of Beatles stuff.
279
00:12:01,887 --> 00:12:04,456
-Well, this is the original
home of the Beatles.
280
00:12:04,523 --> 00:12:08,359
-Yeah, do Paul and Ringo
ever get back here,
281
00:12:08,427 --> 00:12:12,330
or are they still trying to
avoid running into Pete Best?
282
00:12:12,398 --> 00:12:15,066
[laughter]
283
00:12:18,037 --> 00:12:20,638
-For those who might be
watching and not be familiar,
284
00:12:20,706 --> 00:12:22,607
Pete Best was the
original drummer
285
00:12:22,675 --> 00:12:24,075
for The Beatles before--
286
00:12:24,143 --> 00:12:26,111
-Before they dumped
his ass and got Ring.
287
00:12:26,178 --> 00:12:28,012
-That's right.
288
00:12:28,080 --> 00:12:29,147
-That had to suck.
289
00:12:29,215 --> 00:12:32,183
You think he's over it by now?
290
00:12:32,251 --> 00:12:33,351
-I don't know.
291
00:12:33,419 --> 00:12:34,753
You know they named a
street after Pete Best.
292
00:12:34,820 --> 00:12:37,422
-Oh, well, yes, great.
293
00:12:37,490 --> 00:12:40,191
[laughter]
294
00:12:42,728 --> 00:12:45,563
That's got to make up for the
millions of dollars and pounds,
295
00:12:45,631 --> 00:12:48,333
don't you think?
296
00:12:48,400 --> 00:12:49,667
What the hell's the
name of the street?
297
00:12:49,735 --> 00:12:50,835
You got screwed boulevard?
298
00:12:53,572 --> 00:12:55,974
-Did you know that it was in
Liverpool that scientists first
299
00:12:56,041 --> 00:12:58,009
discovered that malaria
was spread by mosquitoes?
300
00:13:03,349 --> 00:13:07,318
-That's just fascinating, Jeff.
301
00:13:07,386 --> 00:13:08,987
Let's put that on
the welcome signs.
302
00:13:09,054 --> 00:13:10,789
[laughter]
303
00:13:10,856 --> 00:13:11,990
That'll bring in the tourists.
304
00:13:12,057 --> 00:13:12,791
Come to Liverpool!
305
00:13:12,858 --> 00:13:16,461
We have Beatles and mosquitoes!
306
00:13:16,529 --> 00:13:19,731
And one of them carries
a deadly disease!
307
00:13:19,799 --> 00:13:22,167
Find out which one!
308
00:13:22,234 --> 00:13:22,901
Ringo?
309
00:13:35,948 --> 00:13:37,015
-I know a little fact.
310
00:13:37,082 --> 00:13:38,383
Did you know that
people in Scotland
311
00:13:38,450 --> 00:13:40,652
by 40 bottles of
whiskey every second?
312
00:13:44,190 --> 00:13:46,324
-This is my favorite
country ever.
313
00:13:53,098 --> 00:13:55,567
Do they NASCAR in the uck?
314
00:13:55,634 --> 00:13:56,801
-In the what?
315
00:13:56,869 --> 00:13:57,669
-In the uck?
316
00:14:01,140 --> 00:14:03,208
-The-- oh, UK.
317
00:14:03,275 --> 00:14:06,644
-Oh, you can spell.
318
00:14:09,381 --> 00:14:12,016
-But Glasgow is, uh-- you told
me it was confusing for you?
319
00:14:12,084 --> 00:14:12,817
-Yeah, it is.
320
00:14:12,885 --> 00:14:13,952
-Why?
321
00:14:14,019 --> 00:14:16,221
-Yesterday at lunch
my waitress asked me
322
00:14:16,288 --> 00:14:18,957
if I wanted some
tatties and neeps.
323
00:14:19,024 --> 00:14:20,692
[laughter]
324
00:14:20,759 --> 00:14:23,628
When I said yes, instead
of taking off her top,
325
00:14:23,696 --> 00:14:24,863
she brought me food.
326
00:14:24,930 --> 00:14:28,366
[laughter]
327
00:14:28,434 --> 00:14:31,769
[applause]
328
00:14:33,105 --> 00:14:37,175
It was the worst strip
club I'd ever been to.
329
00:14:37,243 --> 00:14:39,310
-Tatties and neeps are
served with haggis.
330
00:14:39,378 --> 00:14:41,246
-Well, he didn't
show me that either.
331
00:14:44,216 --> 00:14:45,516
-We've been talking
about Scotland a bit.
332
00:14:45,584 --> 00:14:46,918
-Oh yes?
333
00:14:46,986 --> 00:14:49,888
-I read the other day that
Scotland is actually the-- I've
334
00:14:49,955 --> 00:14:52,390
saved this fact for you--
the murder capital of Europe.
335
00:14:52,458 --> 00:14:55,293
[gasp]
336
00:14:55,361 --> 00:14:56,361
-I didn't do it!
337
00:14:56,428 --> 00:15:00,064
I have nothing to
do with this shit!
338
00:15:00,132 --> 00:15:02,333
Did you know that
bagpipes have existed
339
00:15:02,401 --> 00:15:04,335
in Scotland since
the 14th century?
340
00:15:04,403 --> 00:15:05,737
-Oh!
341
00:15:05,804 --> 00:15:08,773
That is probably about the
time the murder rate went up.
342
00:15:11,510 --> 00:15:13,011
[bagpipe noises]
343
00:15:20,853 --> 00:15:23,221
Did you know that I think
my mother was part Scottish?
344
00:15:23,289 --> 00:15:24,022
-Yeah?
345
00:15:24,089 --> 00:15:25,290
Why do you say that?
346
00:15:25,357 --> 00:15:27,692
-Sometimes she'd want to
put me in Scottish clothing?
347
00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:28,526
-Really?
348
00:15:28,594 --> 00:15:30,762
-Sure, she'd say I kilt you.
349
00:15:30,829 --> 00:15:31,629
[laughter]
350
00:15:31,697 --> 00:15:32,530
Kilt?
351
00:15:32,598 --> 00:15:32,931
Kilt?
352
00:15:32,998 --> 00:15:33,598
Get it?
353
00:15:33,666 --> 00:15:34,399
Kilt?
354
00:15:34,466 --> 00:15:38,002
I kilt you.
355
00:15:38,070 --> 00:15:41,406
[applause]
356
00:15:49,982 --> 00:15:52,417
-By the time I was done,
I was 104 degrees out,
357
00:15:52,484 --> 00:15:54,385
and I was sweating like a pig.
358
00:15:54,453 --> 00:16:01,292
And-- what happened?
359
00:16:01,360 --> 00:16:03,127
What?
360
00:16:03,195 --> 00:16:06,130
Wait a minute-- oh
I can't say pig?
361
00:16:06,198 --> 00:16:06,931
What?
362
00:16:06,999 --> 00:16:07,732
I don't what to say.
363
00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:08,666
I don't-- forget it.
364
00:16:08,734 --> 00:16:10,201
Just-- I don't know anything.
365
00:16:10,269 --> 00:16:12,971
What the [bleep] are
they talking about?
366
00:16:13,038 --> 00:16:13,771
Don't say pig?
367
00:16:13,839 --> 00:16:15,039
Is that it?
368
00:16:15,107 --> 00:16:17,909
OK, I was sweating like a goat.
369
00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:19,043
[laughter]
370
00:16:19,111 --> 00:16:19,777
All right.
371
00:16:27,953 --> 00:16:28,619
-Holy crap.
372
00:16:38,998 --> 00:16:42,900
You're not gonna, erm--
373
00:16:42,968 --> 00:16:44,135
-What are you trying to say?
374
00:16:44,203 --> 00:16:47,071
-You're not-- [mumbling].
375
00:16:47,139 --> 00:16:47,872
No Achmed.
376
00:16:47,940 --> 00:16:49,240
No Achmed.
377
00:16:49,308 --> 00:16:51,642
[laughter]
378
00:16:51,710 --> 00:16:54,479
[applause]
379
00:17:00,486 --> 00:17:03,955
Can you not [bleep]
see out there?
380
00:17:04,023 --> 00:17:07,091
-I will talk to Achmed
about this later.
381
00:17:07,159 --> 00:17:09,427
-No, no, no.
382
00:17:09,495 --> 00:17:13,064
Can I, uh, get in the box and
get the [bleep] out first?
383
00:17:13,132 --> 00:17:14,832
[laughter]
384
00:17:14,900 --> 00:17:18,636
[applause]
385
00:17:18,704 --> 00:17:22,373
It's not a good idea.
386
00:17:22,441 --> 00:17:23,241
We're not in Israel.
387
00:17:23,308 --> 00:17:24,008
-I know.
388
00:17:27,279 --> 00:17:29,347
But have you been enjoying
the sights around town?
389
00:17:29,415 --> 00:17:30,181
-Oh, yeah sure.
390
00:17:30,249 --> 00:17:31,015
Amazing.
391
00:17:31,083 --> 00:17:32,784
Gorgeous buildings.
392
00:17:32,851 --> 00:17:33,618
-Gorgeous buildings.
393
00:17:33,685 --> 00:17:34,419
-Yeah.
394
00:17:34,486 --> 00:17:35,887
-Amazing structures.
395
00:17:35,954 --> 00:17:37,688
Fantastic hotels.
396
00:17:37,756 --> 00:17:41,259
Been looking forward to this a
lot, and here we are in a tent.
397
00:17:46,131 --> 00:17:48,733
-Yeah, they know how to treat
the infidels, don't they?
398
00:17:48,801 --> 00:17:50,068
[laughter]
399
00:17:50,135 --> 00:17:51,869
[applause]
400
00:17:51,937 --> 00:17:54,372
A frickin tent.
401
00:17:54,440 --> 00:17:55,173
-It's a nice--
402
00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:56,741
-Yeah, a nice tent.
403
00:17:56,809 --> 00:17:59,410
Yay.
404
00:17:59,478 --> 00:18:00,378
It's a frickin circus tent.
405
00:18:00,446 --> 00:18:02,146
[laughter]
406
00:18:02,214 --> 00:18:05,716
All we're missing is
the [bleep] music.
407
00:18:05,784 --> 00:18:08,419
Here's Jeff and Walter.
408
00:18:08,487 --> 00:18:11,055
[laughter]
409
00:18:12,858 --> 00:18:15,560
This sucks.
410
00:18:15,627 --> 00:18:16,694
-It's a fine facility.
411
00:18:16,762 --> 00:18:17,528
-OK, all right.
412
00:18:17,596 --> 00:18:19,430
Yeah, yeah.
413
00:18:19,498 --> 00:18:21,399
I guess we're
actually safe though.
414
00:18:21,467 --> 00:18:22,233
-How's that?
415
00:18:22,301 --> 00:18:24,035
-What moron would bomb a tent?
416
00:18:28,807 --> 00:18:29,907
What do you do?
417
00:18:29,975 --> 00:18:31,676
What do you-- cause
$20 worth of damage?
418
00:18:34,847 --> 00:18:36,881
-I don't know who owns
this, but if it's one guy,
419
00:18:36,949 --> 00:18:38,049
he might be here tonight.
420
00:18:38,117 --> 00:18:39,884
-Oh good, he's gonna
go home to his palace,
421
00:18:39,952 --> 00:18:41,452
and here we are in [bleep] tent.
422
00:18:41,520 --> 00:18:42,186
-All right!
423
00:18:48,093 --> 00:18:49,260
-So Bubba J, do you know
where we are exactly?
424
00:18:49,328 --> 00:18:50,094
-Oh, no.
425
00:18:50,162 --> 00:18:50,895
Sure don't.
426
00:18:50,963 --> 00:18:52,196
No I don't.
427
00:18:52,264 --> 00:18:52,930
-Abu Dhabi.
428
00:18:56,535 --> 00:18:57,201
-What?
429
00:18:59,938 --> 00:19:01,305
-Abu Dhabi.
430
00:19:01,373 --> 00:19:02,306
-You're drunk.
431
00:19:02,374 --> 00:19:04,275
[laughter]
432
00:19:04,343 --> 00:19:08,946
[applause]
433
00:19:09,014 --> 00:19:09,814
Really?
434
00:19:09,882 --> 00:19:10,581
-Yeah.
435
00:19:10,649 --> 00:19:11,749
-Say that again.
436
00:19:11,817 --> 00:19:12,483
-Abu Dhabi.
437
00:19:15,487 --> 00:19:17,221
-I thought that's
what Fred Flintstone
438
00:19:17,289 --> 00:19:18,823
says when he's excited.
439
00:19:18,891 --> 00:19:21,726
[laughter]
440
00:19:21,793 --> 00:19:25,563
-No, that's yabba dabba do.
441
00:19:25,631 --> 00:19:28,733
-It's pretty close.
442
00:19:28,800 --> 00:19:29,700
Abu Dhabi do!
443
00:19:29,768 --> 00:19:31,936
[laughter]
444
00:19:32,004 --> 00:19:32,803
-Wait, wait!
445
00:19:32,871 --> 00:19:33,704
Come back!
Come back!
446
00:19:33,772 --> 00:19:34,438
Come back!
447
00:19:37,042 --> 00:19:37,909
Come back!
448
00:19:43,048 --> 00:19:46,117
You're the one of the guys
I really want to love me.
449
00:19:50,889 --> 00:19:52,823
Is it the red cape?
450
00:19:52,891 --> 00:19:53,958
Something wrong with that?
451
00:19:54,026 --> 00:19:55,226
Did I say ham?
452
00:19:55,294 --> 00:19:57,795
[laughter]
453
00:19:59,398 --> 00:20:01,032
Oh my god, your
name is offensive!
454
00:20:01,099 --> 00:20:01,899
Dun-ham!
455
00:20:01,967 --> 00:20:04,869
[laughter]
456
00:20:04,937 --> 00:20:07,772
[applause]
457
00:20:08,874 --> 00:20:12,176
Is he coming back?
458
00:20:12,244 --> 00:20:13,411
Did he have to go potty?
459
00:20:16,615 --> 00:20:18,316
Do you pick it up
or pull it down?
460
00:20:18,383 --> 00:20:21,219
[laughter]
461
00:20:21,286 --> 00:20:24,589
[applause]
462
00:20:30,062 --> 00:20:30,962
Or is there a little flap?
463
00:20:37,302 --> 00:20:42,974
-Good evening, Abu Dhabi
infi-- I mean, folks.
464
00:20:43,041 --> 00:20:46,744
[laughter]
465
00:20:46,812 --> 00:20:49,280
Silence, I kill you!
466
00:20:49,348 --> 00:20:50,715
[laughter]
467
00:20:50,782 --> 00:20:54,018
[applause]
468
00:20:58,023 --> 00:21:00,157
What the hell?
469
00:21:00,225 --> 00:21:04,161
What-- I threaten to kill
them, they all go yay.
470
00:21:04,229 --> 00:21:06,998
-I think some of them
actually like you here.
471
00:21:07,065 --> 00:21:08,466
-Really?
472
00:21:08,533 --> 00:21:10,768
[applause]
473
00:21:12,871 --> 00:21:15,906
You know, since being
here, I've been starting
474
00:21:15,974 --> 00:21:19,043
to rethink the whole
suicide bomber thing.
475
00:21:19,111 --> 00:21:20,411
-How's that?
476
00:21:20,479 --> 00:21:23,481
-I blew myself to get a new
place and a few versions,
477
00:21:23,548 --> 00:21:25,483
meanwhile eight guys
in the front row
478
00:21:25,550 --> 00:21:29,687
here have five matches
each, a bunch of hot wives,
479
00:21:29,755 --> 00:21:33,257
and their own skin.
480
00:21:33,325 --> 00:21:36,294
I had no idea these
options were available.
481
00:21:41,133 --> 00:21:42,233
JEFF DUNHAM: I love you guys.
482
00:21:42,301 --> 00:21:42,967
Good night.
483
00:21:48,540 --> 00:21:49,740
-Welcome to Israel!
484
00:21:53,245 --> 00:21:56,180
[shouts]
485
00:21:56,248 --> 00:22:00,584
[applause]
486
00:22:06,625 --> 00:22:08,592
-Where the hell are we?
487
00:22:08,660 --> 00:22:11,062
[laughter]
488
00:22:11,129 --> 00:22:14,465
[applause]
489
00:22:15,600 --> 00:22:16,767
I forgot, yeah, we're here.
490
00:22:16,835 --> 00:22:23,808
OK, well, uh, uh, um, shalom.
491
00:22:23,875 --> 00:22:28,813
[applause]
492
00:22:28,880 --> 00:22:33,651
I'm surprised at how many
them in here have facial hair.
493
00:22:33,719 --> 00:22:34,785
JEFF DUNHAM: Well, that's true.
494
00:22:34,853 --> 00:22:36,454
-Yeah, we went to
the market today,
495
00:22:36,521 --> 00:22:39,256
and it took me 10 minutes to
pick my wife out of the crowd.
496
00:22:39,324 --> 00:22:40,758
[laughter]
497
00:22:40,826 --> 00:22:43,327
[applause]
498
00:22:43,395 --> 00:22:45,396
-So Achmed, we've been
going all over the place.
499
00:22:45,464 --> 00:22:46,163
-We have.
500
00:22:46,231 --> 00:22:47,565
-You know where we are?
501
00:22:47,632 --> 00:22:49,867
-Well, we have going so many
places I have lost track.
502
00:22:49,935 --> 00:22:55,072
And, uh, we-- uh.
503
00:22:55,140 --> 00:22:56,207
What's with all the Jews?
504
00:23:00,212 --> 00:23:01,879
-We're in Israel.
505
00:23:01,947 --> 00:23:02,713
-That's so funny.
506
00:23:02,781 --> 00:23:03,481
Yeah, OK.
507
00:23:03,548 --> 00:23:04,882
Israel.
508
00:23:04,950 --> 00:23:06,283
Yeah, that's really funny.
509
00:23:06,351 --> 00:23:07,184
We're in-- what?
510
00:23:11,123 --> 00:23:12,656
-We're in Tel Aviv.
511
00:23:12,724 --> 00:23:14,492
[whimper]
512
00:23:17,028 --> 00:23:19,196
-As in Israeli Army?
513
00:23:19,264 --> 00:23:20,998
[laughter]
514
00:23:21,066 --> 00:23:23,367
Holy crap.
515
00:23:23,435 --> 00:23:25,136
Well, I'm already dead.
516
00:23:25,203 --> 00:23:27,605
What the hell?
517
00:23:27,672 --> 00:23:31,308
[applause]
518
00:23:31,376 --> 00:23:32,143
-Achmed, trust me.
519
00:23:32,210 --> 00:23:33,010
You'll be fine.
520
00:23:33,078 --> 00:23:34,078
We're guests.
521
00:23:34,146 --> 00:23:37,548
-So they are friendly Jews?
522
00:23:37,616 --> 00:23:38,416
-Absolutely.
523
00:23:38,483 --> 00:23:39,617
-Do they bite?
524
00:23:39,684 --> 00:23:41,318
[laughter]
525
00:23:41,386 --> 00:23:42,753
Can I play with one?
526
00:23:42,821 --> 00:23:44,755
[laughter]
527
00:23:44,823 --> 00:23:46,791
I actually studied about
Israel before we got here.
528
00:23:46,858 --> 00:23:47,625
-Really?
529
00:23:47,692 --> 00:23:48,893
-Yes.
530
00:23:48,960 --> 00:23:50,428
This is where the letter
[guttural noise] comes from.
531
00:23:50,495 --> 00:23:52,830
[laughter]
532
00:23:52,898 --> 00:23:56,600
[applause]
533
00:23:59,771 --> 00:24:00,438
A-C-phlegm.
534
00:24:04,509 --> 00:24:07,545
You guys know this stuff.
535
00:24:07,612 --> 00:24:10,448
[applause]
536
00:24:10,515 --> 00:24:13,250
Why do these folks cheer for me?
537
00:24:13,318 --> 00:24:14,618
Oh, I get it.
538
00:24:14,686 --> 00:24:17,988
You like nothing better
than a dead terrorist.
539
00:24:18,056 --> 00:24:21,358
[applause]
540
00:24:23,562 --> 00:24:27,465
I heard folks say that
Jews run the banks.
541
00:24:27,532 --> 00:24:29,266
Well, I say good.
542
00:24:29,334 --> 00:24:31,168
The Palestinians only
have the West Bank,
543
00:24:31,236 --> 00:24:34,472
and that hasn't gone so well.
544
00:24:34,539 --> 00:24:37,875
[applause]
545
00:24:39,344 --> 00:24:43,280
Dear Achmed, can you
whistle the Hava Nagila?
546
00:24:43,348 --> 00:24:46,784
[laughter]
547
00:24:46,852 --> 00:24:50,621
[whistles hava nagila]
548
00:24:50,689 --> 00:24:54,525
[applause]
549
00:25:01,566 --> 00:25:05,436
[continues hava nagila]
550
00:25:13,512 --> 00:25:14,912
-You guys are awesome!
551
00:25:14,980 --> 00:25:16,347
Thanks for coming out!
552
00:25:26,258 --> 00:25:29,226
[applause]
553
00:25:29,294 --> 00:25:33,030
-What do you think of
South Africa so far?
554
00:25:33,098 --> 00:25:33,831
-Honestly?
555
00:25:33,899 --> 00:25:34,632
-Yeah.
556
00:25:34,699 --> 00:25:37,234
-Not what I thought it would be.
557
00:25:37,302 --> 00:25:38,335
-How's that?
558
00:25:38,403 --> 00:25:41,238
-Look out there.
559
00:25:41,306 --> 00:25:42,673
We're in Africa, right?
560
00:25:45,810 --> 00:25:47,912
Lot of white folks out there.
561
00:25:47,979 --> 00:25:50,814
[laughter]
562
00:25:50,882 --> 00:25:53,651
[applause]
563
00:25:56,221 --> 00:25:57,588
-It is South Africa.
564
00:25:57,656 --> 00:25:59,823
-OK.
565
00:25:59,891 --> 00:26:03,761
Thus the continent of Africa.
566
00:26:03,828 --> 00:26:09,233
Well this is not what I
remember from the Tarzan movies.
567
00:26:09,301 --> 00:26:11,435
What is your first name?
568
00:26:11,503 --> 00:26:12,303
David?
569
00:26:12,370 --> 00:26:16,340
And guys named David and Warren.
570
00:26:16,408 --> 00:26:18,375
I don't think those
are African names.
571
00:26:18,443 --> 00:26:21,412
[laughter]
572
00:26:21,479 --> 00:26:23,614
I was expecting like
[click click whistle].
573
00:26:23,682 --> 00:26:25,883
[laughter]
574
00:26:25,951 --> 00:26:28,018
-You know, Bubba J,
Joburg is a lively city.
575
00:26:28,086 --> 00:26:29,787
-Oh yeah, unless you get shot.
576
00:26:32,624 --> 00:26:33,791
-Did you know that
South Africa has
577
00:26:33,858 --> 00:26:36,060
the largest brewery
in the world?
578
00:26:36,127 --> 00:26:38,028
[gasp]
579
00:26:38,096 --> 00:26:40,998
[applause]
580
00:26:41,066 --> 00:26:42,766
-The largest brewery?
581
00:26:45,837 --> 00:26:49,006
I'm going to write a letter.
582
00:26:49,074 --> 00:26:55,079
My dearest wife, for reasons
you will of course understand,
583
00:26:55,146 --> 00:26:56,914
I am never coming home.
584
00:26:56,982 --> 00:27:00,217
[laughter]
585
00:27:00,285 --> 00:27:03,087
[applause]
586
00:27:04,789 --> 00:27:08,525
So after you become a
citizen of the South Africa,
587
00:27:08,593 --> 00:27:12,429
how long does it take for
your skin to turn black?
588
00:27:12,497 --> 00:27:15,799
[laughter]
589
00:27:19,871 --> 00:27:22,873
These guys early
on too, I think.
590
00:27:22,941 --> 00:27:24,675
[applause]
591
00:27:24,743 --> 00:27:26,543
-All right, you guys
have just been great.
592
00:27:26,611 --> 00:27:27,511
What a crowd.
593
00:27:27,579 --> 00:27:28,679
Thank you so much.
594
00:27:28,747 --> 00:27:30,914
All right, let's turn up
the lights real quick.
595
00:27:30,982 --> 00:27:31,882
Can we do the house lights?
596
00:27:31,950 --> 00:27:33,017
Let's do this real quick?
597
00:27:33,084 --> 00:27:34,785
Let's see what this
is gonna look like?
598
00:27:34,853 --> 00:27:35,753
Oh yeah, this'll be great.
599
00:27:35,820 --> 00:27:36,720
Hold on, let me get Achmed.
600
00:27:36,788 --> 00:27:37,655
Hold on a second.
601
00:27:37,722 --> 00:27:39,023
Can you do it sideways?
602
00:27:39,090 --> 00:27:41,291
Is that good?
603
00:27:41,359 --> 00:27:42,626
This way.
604
00:27:42,694 --> 00:27:43,827
-You dumbass idiot, Jeff.
605
00:28:07,686 --> 00:28:10,254
-Have you seen the size of
the bugs in this country?
606
00:28:10,321 --> 00:28:11,088
[laughter]
607
00:28:11,156 --> 00:28:12,189
-Yeah, there's some big ones.
608
00:28:12,257 --> 00:28:13,757
-There was a beetle
in our hotel room,
609
00:28:13,825 --> 00:28:15,459
and my wife wanted
me to step on it?
610
00:28:15,527 --> 00:28:16,260
-What did you do?
611
00:28:16,327 --> 00:28:17,661
-Nothing.
612
00:28:17,729 --> 00:28:19,763
The damn thing grabbed my wife's
poodle and flew out the window.
613
00:28:19,831 --> 00:28:20,731
[laughter]
614
00:28:20,799 --> 00:28:21,632
I love this country.
615
00:28:25,670 --> 00:28:26,770
-So what are the
differences you've
616
00:28:26,838 --> 00:28:29,673
found between Australia
and the United States?
617
00:28:29,741 --> 00:28:32,976
-Well, I think down here
my marriage goes down
618
00:28:33,044 --> 00:28:35,979
the toilet in the
other direction.
619
00:28:36,047 --> 00:28:36,714
Just guessing.
620
00:28:40,051 --> 00:28:42,853
-Dear Achmed, my dream
was to see you and Jeff.
621
00:28:42,921 --> 00:28:45,155
I've been waiting
for seven long years,
622
00:28:45,223 --> 00:28:47,357
so because I've been waiting
so long, could I please
623
00:28:47,425 --> 00:28:49,159
have a picture with both of you.
624
00:28:49,227 --> 00:28:50,561
Thanks, Joann.
625
00:28:50,628 --> 00:28:51,361
Joann, where are you?
626
00:28:51,429 --> 00:28:52,663
Right there?
627
00:28:52,731 --> 00:28:54,131
-Hehe, no.
628
00:28:54,199 --> 00:28:57,101
[laughter]
629
00:28:57,168 --> 00:28:58,335
-Come on, that's fine.
630
00:28:58,403 --> 00:28:59,069
Come up here.
631
00:29:02,674 --> 00:29:04,508
-OK, where's your camera?
632
00:29:04,576 --> 00:29:06,043
-Um, my friend has it.
633
00:29:06,111 --> 00:29:07,978
-Well, that doesn't
[bleep] help.
634
00:29:08,046 --> 00:29:09,913
[laughter]
635
00:29:09,981 --> 00:29:12,049
-OK, well take a
picture of the screen.
636
00:29:12,117 --> 00:29:14,051
[laughter]
637
00:29:14,119 --> 00:29:15,419
-Smile.
638
00:29:15,487 --> 00:29:17,221
Stop looking at me and
rubbing your tits on my back.
639
00:29:17,288 --> 00:29:18,655
[laughter]
640
00:29:18,723 --> 00:29:22,960
[applause]
641
00:29:23,027 --> 00:29:24,161
Because it's not my back.
642
00:29:24,229 --> 00:29:25,596
It's his hand.
643
00:29:25,663 --> 00:29:28,732
[laughter]
644
00:29:28,800 --> 00:29:29,533
-Thank you.
645
00:29:29,601 --> 00:29:30,634
-Actually do it again.
646
00:29:30,702 --> 00:29:31,535
-No!
647
00:29:31,603 --> 00:29:32,503
[laughter]
648
00:29:32,570 --> 00:29:34,404
-I got your back.
649
00:29:34,472 --> 00:29:35,372
And her front.
650
00:29:35,440 --> 00:29:36,340
-I got it.
651
00:29:36,407 --> 00:29:38,542
All right Terribly sorry.
652
00:29:38,610 --> 00:29:39,643
-Your wife is backstage.
[laughter]
653
00:29:39,711 --> 00:29:40,144
-I know.
654
00:29:40,211 --> 00:29:41,111
[laughter]
655
00:29:41,179 --> 00:29:43,247
-He took a feel
with his knuckles.
656
00:29:43,314 --> 00:29:44,181
-No, I didn't!
657
00:29:47,786 --> 00:29:49,186
-Fun coming up here, isn't it?
658
00:29:49,254 --> 00:29:50,087
[laughter]
659
00:29:50,155 --> 00:29:50,888
-You can get closer.
660
00:29:50,955 --> 00:29:52,189
Just stand right next to Achmed.
661
00:29:52,257 --> 00:29:56,059
-And don't rub your hooters.
662
00:29:56,127 --> 00:29:58,095
Do not rub your
hooters on my scapula.
663
00:29:58,163 --> 00:30:00,998
[laughter]
664
00:30:04,602 --> 00:30:07,905
[applause]
665
00:30:10,041 --> 00:30:10,974
I took a peak.
666
00:30:11,042 --> 00:30:12,843
-I know.
667
00:30:12,911 --> 00:30:13,777
-I see for you.
668
00:30:13,845 --> 00:30:14,511
-Stop it.
669
00:30:18,383 --> 00:30:19,483
OK, ready?
670
00:30:19,551 --> 00:30:20,617
We'll smile, whoever
is taking the picture.
671
00:30:37,836 --> 00:30:40,037
So Walter, what do you
think of Singapore so far?
672
00:30:40,104 --> 00:30:42,372
-Uh, it's pretty crowded here.
673
00:30:42,440 --> 00:30:43,640
-Oh yeah, that's true.
674
00:30:43,708 --> 00:30:45,375
It's actually the
second most densely
675
00:30:45,443 --> 00:30:47,010
populated country in the world.
676
00:30:47,078 --> 00:30:47,744
-Oh.
677
00:30:51,349 --> 00:30:54,251
Well, don't flatter yourself.
678
00:30:54,319 --> 00:30:55,853
All these folks aren't
here to see you.
679
00:30:55,920 --> 00:30:57,287
There was just no
room for them outside.
680
00:30:59,991 --> 00:31:01,725
-What do you like
about Singapore so far?
681
00:31:01,793 --> 00:31:04,595
Well, they have some tough laws.
682
00:31:04,662 --> 00:31:06,029
-Oh, you heard about that?
683
00:31:06,097 --> 00:31:07,164
Oh, yeah.
684
00:31:07,232 --> 00:31:09,266
Yeah.
685
00:31:09,334 --> 00:31:11,101
-Did you know you can
get fined or caned
686
00:31:11,169 --> 00:31:14,371
for not flushing a
toilet after using it?
687
00:31:14,439 --> 00:31:16,740
[laughter]
688
00:31:16,808 --> 00:31:20,110
-And who the hell
checks up on that?
689
00:31:20,178 --> 00:31:21,845
[laughter]
690
00:31:21,913 --> 00:31:23,480
What, do you got
the [bleep] police?
691
00:31:23,548 --> 00:31:26,216
[laughter]
692
00:31:26,284 --> 00:31:30,254
It's the SSP, the
Singapore [bleep] police.
693
00:31:30,321 --> 00:31:32,222
[laughter]
694
00:31:32,290 --> 00:31:35,058
[applause]
695
00:31:36,160 --> 00:31:37,561
I am not kidding.
696
00:31:37,629 --> 00:31:39,830
How the hell do they know?
697
00:31:39,898 --> 00:31:40,831
[sniff sniff]
698
00:31:40,899 --> 00:31:42,332
Ah, that guy.
699
00:31:42,400 --> 00:31:45,569
[laughter]
700
00:31:45,637 --> 00:31:48,739
Is it a random check?
701
00:31:48,806 --> 00:31:52,075
Or do they patrol the potties?
702
00:31:52,143 --> 00:31:55,012
[bleep] duty.
703
00:31:55,079 --> 00:31:57,247
Fred, you investigating
that murder today?
704
00:31:57,315 --> 00:32:00,183
No, I have a tip that we
have a serial non-flusher.
705
00:32:00,251 --> 00:32:02,719
[laughter]
706
00:32:04,789 --> 00:32:07,057
-I hear you say earlier that
in Singapore if you break
707
00:32:07,125 --> 00:32:08,525
certain laws they
beat you with a stick.
708
00:32:11,663 --> 00:32:13,230
Well, maybe while
they're here, Jose
709
00:32:13,298 --> 00:32:14,898
could pick up a
little extra work.
710
00:32:14,966 --> 00:32:17,834
[laughter]
711
00:32:17,902 --> 00:32:21,438
-So this has been a
fun tour around the--
712
00:32:21,506 --> 00:32:22,739
where everywhere--
everywhere we went.
713
00:32:22,807 --> 00:32:23,840
I love Singapore.
714
00:32:23,908 --> 00:32:25,943
It's my favorite European city.
715
00:32:26,010 --> 00:32:29,279
[laughter]
716
00:32:29,347 --> 00:32:30,414
-Did you know they
have save water
717
00:32:30,481 --> 00:32:31,848
campaign here in Singapore?
718
00:32:31,916 --> 00:32:32,983
-Oh, well I know.
719
00:32:33,051 --> 00:32:35,752
So today I drink
18 beers instead.
720
00:32:35,820 --> 00:32:37,220
[laughter]
721
00:32:37,288 --> 00:32:37,988
You're welcome.
722
00:32:42,827 --> 00:32:45,696
So what's different
here than where we live?
723
00:32:45,763 --> 00:32:49,266
-Well, I think religiously
there a lot more Buddhists here.
724
00:32:49,334 --> 00:32:51,668
-Buddhists?
725
00:32:51,736 --> 00:32:52,602
They all wear boots?
726
00:32:56,374 --> 00:32:59,109
So what do they do?
727
00:32:59,177 --> 00:33:01,678
-Well, for one they
believe in reincarnation.
728
00:33:01,746 --> 00:33:02,846
-Re-incarceration?
729
00:33:02,914 --> 00:33:05,882
[laughter]
730
00:33:07,852 --> 00:33:09,953
You get out and suddenly
you're right back in.
731
00:33:10,021 --> 00:33:12,789
[laughter]
732
00:33:12,857 --> 00:33:14,324
-No, reincarnation.
733
00:33:14,392 --> 00:33:19,029
That you can have entire past
lives you don't even remember.
734
00:33:19,097 --> 00:33:20,230
That happened to me yesterday.
735
00:33:20,298 --> 00:33:22,666
[laughter]
736
00:33:34,812 --> 00:33:37,080
-We had a great show in
Singapore, we're packing up,
737
00:33:37,148 --> 00:33:40,317
and Marnel, my tour manager
comes in to deliver some news.
738
00:33:40,385 --> 00:33:42,285
And he's sweating.
739
00:33:42,353 --> 00:33:43,887
-Hey, what's up?
740
00:33:43,955 --> 00:33:44,921
-Come in.
741
00:33:44,989 --> 00:33:48,658
-I've got some
information on Malaysia.
742
00:33:48,726 --> 00:33:49,893
They're reviewing
several options,
743
00:33:49,961 --> 00:33:53,997
and option A is
not going to be--
744
00:33:54,065 --> 00:33:56,767
-Option A meaning
I can't use Achmed.
745
00:33:56,834 --> 00:34:00,370
-It hasn't been defined by
the cultural-- what is it?
746
00:34:00,438 --> 00:34:01,705
Cultural sensitivity.
747
00:34:01,773 --> 00:34:02,939
-Hold it.
748
00:34:03,007 --> 00:34:05,175
You're saying that these
guys-- who are these guys?
749
00:34:05,243 --> 00:34:07,277
-It's actually one of
their religious leaders
750
00:34:07,345 --> 00:34:09,746
that they had to fly to
another city to meet with them.
751
00:34:09,814 --> 00:34:13,216
-I'm telling you I am the
lamb going to slaughter.
752
00:34:13,284 --> 00:34:14,985
So they'll start
booing, and they're
753
00:34:15,053 --> 00:34:16,420
not going to be booing me.
754
00:34:16,487 --> 00:34:19,356
They're going to be booing the
fact that this is happening.
755
00:34:19,424 --> 00:34:20,824
-They're probably aware
a lot of this stuff.
756
00:34:20,892 --> 00:34:22,059
They're probably
used to restrictions.
757
00:34:22,126 --> 00:34:23,293
-No, they're not.
758
00:34:23,361 --> 00:34:24,828
-They're probably used to
living with [inaudible].
759
00:34:24,896 --> 00:34:27,431
-We are promoting the show
with Achmed on the poster.
760
00:34:33,271 --> 00:34:35,939
-Well, the main concern of
the Malaysian government
761
00:34:36,007 --> 00:34:40,744
is that an artist is suitable
for the Malaysian culture.
762
00:34:40,812 --> 00:34:43,713
Achmed is a little bit sensitive
to the Malaysian public.
763
00:34:43,781 --> 00:34:47,517
We need to be careful
about what we put on stage.
764
00:34:47,585 --> 00:34:51,154
The final ruling is that
Achmed the dead terrorist
765
00:34:51,222 --> 00:34:53,390
is not allowed on stage.
766
00:35:02,333 --> 00:35:05,068
-After we booked this
show, we were contacted
767
00:35:05,136 --> 00:35:13,710
by the Malaysian ministry of
arts, and history, and culture.
768
00:35:13,778 --> 00:35:18,048
And they asked me very
nicely and sternly
769
00:35:18,116 --> 00:35:21,218
to not bring a certain
character to the show tonight.
770
00:35:21,285 --> 00:35:25,755
[booing]
771
00:35:25,823 --> 00:35:30,260
They even said please do
not even mention his name,
772
00:35:30,328 --> 00:35:33,330
but I know that people are
here because you've seen stuff
773
00:35:33,397 --> 00:35:36,199
on YouTube and you're expecting
to see a certain someone.
774
00:35:36,267 --> 00:35:40,637
[applause]
775
00:35:40,705 --> 00:35:45,075
However, I want to respect the
request because I am a guest
776
00:35:45,143 --> 00:35:47,844
here, but at the same
time you paid your money
777
00:35:47,912 --> 00:35:51,014
to see what you thought
you were going to see.
778
00:35:51,082 --> 00:35:54,584
That certain person is not here.
779
00:35:54,652 --> 00:35:58,788
However, his brother--
780
00:35:58,856 --> 00:36:02,626
[applause]
781
00:36:06,697 --> 00:36:09,366
--is here.
782
00:36:09,433 --> 00:36:11,001
He is from France.
783
00:36:11,068 --> 00:36:13,870
[laughter]
784
00:36:16,541 --> 00:36:19,910
Please help me welcome
Jacques, the French terrorist.
785
00:36:19,977 --> 00:36:23,280
[applause]
786
00:36:37,161 --> 00:36:39,262
-Bonjour American pig.
787
00:36:39,330 --> 00:36:41,131
[laughter]
788
00:36:41,199 --> 00:36:42,265
-So you are French?
789
00:36:42,333 --> 00:36:43,300
-Oui, oui.
790
00:36:43,367 --> 00:36:44,434
C'est Francais.
791
00:36:44,502 --> 00:36:45,335
-Uh-huh.
792
00:36:45,403 --> 00:36:46,403
And your name is Jacques?
793
00:36:46,470 --> 00:36:47,237
-Oui.
794
00:36:47,305 --> 00:36:50,073
Je m'appelle Jacques.
795
00:36:50,141 --> 00:36:53,843
[laughter]
796
00:36:53,911 --> 00:36:55,679
-And what is your last name?
797
00:36:55,746 --> 00:36:56,513
[bleep]
798
00:36:56,581 --> 00:36:59,783
[laughter]
799
00:37:02,753 --> 00:37:05,655
-What are they laughing at?
800
00:37:05,723 --> 00:37:07,657
My name is Jacques [bleep].
801
00:37:07,725 --> 00:37:09,659
[laughter]
802
00:37:09,727 --> 00:37:12,562
[applause]
803
00:37:13,864 --> 00:37:16,533
I do not understand what
they are laughing at.
804
00:37:16,601 --> 00:37:17,834
[laughter]
805
00:37:17,902 --> 00:37:21,271
-I think [bleep] is
translated into, uh--
806
00:37:25,209 --> 00:37:26,409
-I am Jacques [bleep].
807
00:37:26,477 --> 00:37:28,278
[laughter]
808
00:37:28,346 --> 00:37:29,879
-Well, despite your name,
you seem like a nice guy.
809
00:37:29,947 --> 00:37:31,281
-You don't know Jacques [bleep].
810
00:37:35,219 --> 00:37:38,154
Wait, that is not funny!
811
00:37:38,222 --> 00:37:39,022
[laughter]
812
00:37:39,090 --> 00:37:40,156
-They're laughing.
813
00:37:40,224 --> 00:37:43,560
-I kill you!
814
00:37:43,628 --> 00:37:47,464
[applause]
815
00:37:47,531 --> 00:37:48,798
-So you're happy to be here?
816
00:37:48,866 --> 00:37:49,599
-No.
817
00:37:49,667 --> 00:37:50,400
-Why is that?
818
00:37:50,468 --> 00:37:53,637
-Where are we exactly?
819
00:37:53,704 --> 00:37:57,507
Do not spit on my face,
you ugly American.
820
00:37:57,575 --> 00:37:59,309
Where are we exactly?
821
00:37:59,377 --> 00:38:00,110
-Kuala Lumpur.
822
00:38:00,177 --> 00:38:00,977
-Oh, oui.
823
00:38:01,045 --> 00:38:03,647
Kuala Lumpur.
824
00:38:03,714 --> 00:38:04,447
Malaysia.
825
00:38:04,515 --> 00:38:06,449
The weather here is [bleep].
826
00:38:06,517 --> 00:38:08,385
[laughter]
827
00:38:08,452 --> 00:38:10,820
[applause]
828
00:38:10,888 --> 00:38:13,790
Where I am from
the weather is up.
829
00:38:13,858 --> 00:38:15,025
Morning is up.
830
00:38:15,092 --> 00:38:17,227
Afternoon and evening is up.
831
00:38:17,295 --> 00:38:18,962
-I don't think the weather
in France is always hot.
832
00:38:19,030 --> 00:38:21,364
-Eh, eh, eh, eh.
833
00:38:21,432 --> 00:38:22,632
Do not question, Jacques.
834
00:38:27,605 --> 00:38:28,805
It's not always hot in France?
835
00:38:28,873 --> 00:38:29,606
-No.
836
00:38:29,674 --> 00:38:30,740
-[bleep] OK.
837
00:38:30,808 --> 00:38:34,177
[laughter]
838
00:38:34,245 --> 00:38:38,248
[applause]
839
00:38:38,316 --> 00:38:40,750
Let's just say for
the sake of the joke,
840
00:38:40,818 --> 00:38:42,585
Francais is always
hot, hot, hot,
841
00:38:42,653 --> 00:38:45,522
hot, hot, like a desert up.
842
00:38:45,589 --> 00:38:46,523
[laughter]
843
00:38:46,590 --> 00:38:47,824
Yes, you didn't
know that before?
844
00:38:47,892 --> 00:38:49,726
There are pyramids, sand.
845
00:38:49,794 --> 00:38:51,861
[laughter]
846
00:38:51,929 --> 00:38:53,830
-Let me get something straight.
847
00:38:53,898 --> 00:38:55,965
You're the brother
of the other guy
848
00:38:56,033 --> 00:38:56,866
who was supposed to be here.
849
00:38:59,937 --> 00:39:04,174
-Do not say his name, or we
are both in giant trouble.
850
00:39:04,241 --> 00:39:07,977
[laughter]
851
00:39:10,581 --> 00:39:11,548
Those guys are here.
852
00:39:17,388 --> 00:39:19,989
-Dear Achmed, what is your
favorite Malaysian food?
853
00:39:20,057 --> 00:39:24,260
[audience gasps]
854
00:39:32,503 --> 00:39:36,005
-It has been nice knowing you.
855
00:39:36,073 --> 00:39:39,876
[applause]
856
00:39:45,883 --> 00:39:46,816
Kumbaya--
857
00:39:46,884 --> 00:39:50,053
[laughter]
858
00:39:51,622 --> 00:39:53,723
-Dear terrorist--
859
00:39:53,791 --> 00:39:55,658
-That's not what you
said the first time.
860
00:39:55,726 --> 00:39:57,994
[laughter]
861
00:39:58,062 --> 00:40:00,296
When the show is done, run.
862
00:40:00,364 --> 00:40:03,166
[laughter]
863
00:40:03,234 --> 00:40:06,436
[applause]
864
00:40:09,440 --> 00:40:10,440
-Someone named Spring.
865
00:40:10,508 --> 00:40:12,008
Dear terrorist,
if you were given
866
00:40:12,076 --> 00:40:14,411
the chance again to
be human, would you?
867
00:40:14,478 --> 00:40:16,613
[gasp]
868
00:40:16,680 --> 00:40:19,616
-I am not human?
869
00:40:19,683 --> 00:40:20,417
-Not anymore.
870
00:40:20,484 --> 00:40:21,951
-No?
871
00:40:22,019 --> 00:40:24,454
-Do you know what
that makes you?
872
00:40:24,522 --> 00:40:25,588
-A politician?
873
00:40:25,656 --> 00:40:28,458
[laughter]
874
00:40:28,526 --> 00:40:31,761
[applause]
875
00:40:33,831 --> 00:40:38,067
But the ministry is a
lovely group of people.
876
00:40:38,135 --> 00:40:39,636
[laughter]
877
00:40:39,703 --> 00:40:41,571
-You guys have
been just awesome.
878
00:40:41,639 --> 00:40:43,039
Thanks KL.
879
00:40:43,107 --> 00:40:44,040
We'll see you.
880
00:40:44,108 --> 00:40:44,974
Good night!
881
00:40:58,122 --> 00:40:59,622
So we've been all over
the globe and I wanted
882
00:40:59,690 --> 00:41:02,292
to end this special in the place
that's most important to me.
883
00:41:02,359 --> 00:41:03,259
How could we not?
884
00:41:03,327 --> 00:41:04,627
It's not a fancy stage.
885
00:41:04,695 --> 00:41:06,329
In fact, a lot of the audience
is sitting in the mud.
886
00:41:06,397 --> 00:41:07,163
It's bee raining.
887
00:41:07,231 --> 00:41:08,264
They're sitting in the grass.
888
00:41:08,332 --> 00:41:10,733
But here we are in
the land of the free
889
00:41:10,801 --> 00:41:12,268
and the home of the brave.
890
00:41:12,336 --> 00:41:16,906
Here we are at Joint
Base Pearl Harbor-Hickam.
891
00:41:17,456 --> 00:41:26,345
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