All language subtitles for The Great North s02e05 Beefs Craig Beef Adventure

♪ Look up there ♪
♪ What do you see? ♪

♪ Nature and stuff ♪

♪ Like a rock ♪
♪ And a tree ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Way up here,
you can breathe the air ♪

♪ Catch some fish ♪

♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪

♪ Wow ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪

♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪

♪ From longest night
to longest day ♪

♪ In the Great North. ♪

She's like Christmas
for your eyes, ain't she?

I wouldn't kick that kayak
out of bed for eating crackers.

Me, neither. So what's
the BoatFax on this bad boy?

Owned for 50 years
by a doctor and her husband

in Kachemak before he passed,
midkayak.

Gosh, I'm torn. This kayak
has such romantic history.

It could also be
super haunted.

I need a second opinion.
Dad? Dad?

Come check out this kayak.
I need to know if it's haunted.

Not sure why
he's looking in rec vehicles.

He's strictly a workboat guy.

Calls pleasure craft
"water trash." Hey, Dad? Dad?

♪ Vroom ♪

♪ Whoosh ♪

Whee!

(giggles)
Vroom. Whoosh.

He's been coming by a couple
times a week for the past month.

It's very common
for people his age

to suddenly get interested
in a craft like that.

It's what I call
"a midlife crisis vessel."

But Dad's not having
a midlife crisis.

He just turned 40 exactly
a month ago... Oh, my God.

Uh, hey, uh, Dad, uh, uh,
What are you looking at?

Oh, just looking
at this gaudy contraption. Yuck.

$900 for a SeaDoo?

More like SeaDon't.
(chuckles)

Am I right?

WOLF:
Guys, this lunchslashmeeting

is about Dad. I don't know
if you watch him like a hawk,

with awe and admiration,
like I do, but if so,

you may have noticed
that he's been acting

a little different lately.

Cologne?

(whispers):
Sugar.

Reversible.
Can't be.

Papa.
Papa, no.

What's the big deal
with Beef using a little bit

of sugar
or getting a reversible belt?

Because Dad says
coffee is a tool, not a drink.

You use it,
you don't enjoy it.

And he thinks reversible
belts fall apart much faster

than regular belts
because of all of the reversing.

(imitates Beef):
"It's half the belt for twice the price."

That means he bought it
purely for fashion.

And I didn't know
what it all added up to

until what happened this morning
at the boat yard.

I discovered that Dad's
been going there every week

to stare at a Jet Ski.
(gasps)

Yeah. And then he just
drifts off into space

and giggles while saying "vroom"
and "whoosh."

So after going on WEbMD
and eliminating illness, drugs

or Dad having Joker syndrome,
I was able to figure it out

with no help whatsoever
from Edna at the boat yard.

Guys, Dad's going through
a midlife crisis.

It was his 40th birthday
last month, and traditionally,

Tobins who survive
past childhood

die at exactly 80.

I mean, except for Tobias Tobin,
who died at 54

during the firstever Lone Moose
hot dog eating contest.

Yep, the runnerup shot him.

Anyway, Dad's clearly
feeling the pressure of 40.

There's only one way
to keep him from falling

through the thin emotional ice
he's currently dancing all over.

We help him get that SeaDoo
jet ski.

We just need $900.

How are we supposed
to get that kind of cash?

Uh, yeah, I make associette
photographette money.

I've still got some of
my bar mitzvah money left.

What bar mitzvah money, Ham?
We're not Jewish.

Do you want to get Dad's SeaDoo

or do you want to interrogate me

about my bar mitzvah money
all day?

Well, now I will dramatically
reveal the reason

I asked you guys to meet me here
instead of the house.

Tada!
Yeah, we've all seen that typo before.

We know it says "warffles,"
and we love it. No, look.

I wanted to show you
this ad.

Oh, we can do the Herring Run.

Herring Run?
What are they running from?

They look so happy.

But I guess you can never really
know a fish's secrets.

Every year, the department
of fish and wildlife

lets people catch herring
for 15 minutes,

and then that's it for the rest
of the year that's all.

It's like playing the lottery.

Some get an entire year's salary
in 15 minutes,

others get no herring at all.

It's pretty dingdang exciting.

I don't know. Dad always says
it's too flashy.

But I guess we could try.

We'll just have to be
very, very subtle.

ALL: Surprise!
Aah!

A surprise party.
Wow, great surprise.

Now I'll go to my room while
you complete the party part.

It's not a party, Dad.
It's an intervention.

We had an offsite family
meeting at Maude's because

we know about the belt
and the sugar

and the Scent Sail, a cologne
for adventurous men.

You're going through a midlife
crisis, and that's okay.

Midlife crisis?
No, that's not me.

That's for people in Ketchikan.
Or those fellas from Wild Hogs.

I can smell your cologne
from here. It's wonderful.

Fine, I bought cologne
and a reversible belt.

It made me feel like a Mad Men.
Don't judge me.

We're not judging, Dad.

But you're not going to fill the
SeaDoo size hole in your heart

with reversible belts
and bottles of cologne.

Only a SeaDoo
can fill your Doo hole.

I think Wolf's right, Dad.
All you do is fish,

sleep an adequate
four and a half hours

and eat food for energy
and not pleasure.

You should treat yourself.

(groans)
Okay, fine.

Honestly, I would
love a SeaDoo.

But it's so impractical.
Yet cool,

In a Miami Vice Don Johnson
kind of way.

Love me some Don John.
I'm more of a Tubbs girl.

And this one has four seats,
so we could all enjoy,

in sensible shifts
of four at a time.

But where am I gonna
get an extra $900?

I carefully plan
every penny we spend,

down to the lightbulb
we'll have to buy next week

when the one in the living room
is scheduled to burn out.

Voilà!
The Herring Run?

I don't want to mess
with the Herring run.

I hate it. All those boats
and planes it's a circus.

How am I supposed to fish
if I can't even hear the ocean?

If I can't sense the puffins
diving for herring,

the whispers of the whales
scooping them up?

Dad, you won't need
your sixth sense for fish.

I'll get my exgirlfriend Lara
to go up in her plane

and spot for us.

Okay, but my exfriend Craig
Ptarmigan will he there,

and I steer clear of Craig
at all costs.

Dad, you got to
give up this idea

that Craig
is your secret nemesis.

Hehe is the sweetest
sweetheart in town.

Not to me, he isn't.

He's had a grudge
against me for years,

and I don't know why.
The man's out to get me.

Dad, just because
you and Craig grew apart

doesn't mean
he's out to get you.

This is just like when Stacey B
got popular and told me

she was too cool to hang out
with me. (short chuckle)

Just a painless,
mutual parting of ways.

Craig's a good guy, Dad.
He gives so much to the town.

As they say at the Ptarmigan
Geology Center: Craig rocks.

And the slide he donated
to the town playground

is one of the best
I've ever slid.

Sometimes I close my eyes
and pretend I'm being swallowed

by a giraffe.
Pure bliss.

Dad, you shouldn't be thinking
about Craig Ptarmigan.

You should be thinking
about getting

that motherscratchin'
SeaDoo. Okay?

Now, we'll all pitch in
and catch just enough fish

to buy that SeaDoo,
and no more.

Well, it would just be
a day of fishing with you all,

which is my favorite
kind of day.

Let's do it.

Frang dang! Get ready
to fill your Doo hole, Dad!

Hmm.
Where are you, old binoculars?

Dad needs you
for the Herring Run.

He prefers your vintage lenses.
Oh, hey.

Who's this guy?

♪ Bow, bow, bow,
beautiful sea ♪

♪ Bow, bow, bow, bow,
come look at it with me ♪

♪ BBow, bow, bow. ♪

Whoa.
A fish, but with... personality?

Do you like my singing?

Wait, did you just
talk to me?

I did.
But the singing?

Oh, thrilling.
Don't stop.

I mean, I know the talking part
is just my imagination, but...

Save me.
What?

I hate it here in the shed.
Take me to the sea.

♪ Beautiful sea,
bow, bow, bow, bow ♪

♪ Come look at it with me ♪

♪ BBow, bow, bow,
my ancestral home. ♪

Let's get you home, friend.

JUDY:
Dusty and Londra and their crew look really impressive.

And intimidating.
And kind of... sexy?

I'm gonna file that away
to explore later.

Wow, being 16 is a wild ride.
(chuckles)

What's Craig doing
near our boat?

WOLF:
Dad, calm down.

He's just walking
on his feet like we are.

Hey, Beef.
I saw that you signed up.

Glad you could make it.

I just stopped by your boat,
but you weren't there.

I was gonna give you this.

I've been collecting
fourleaf clovers all year

to pass 'em out today.

Hope it brings you luck.
Aw, Craig.

(Irish accent):
Thank you kindly, Mr. Ptarmigan.

May the road rise to meet you.

(chuckles) And may the ocean
put many fish

in your pockets today,
my friends.

(quietly):
Good luck my butt.

See? Craig Ptarmigan's
not out to get you.

In fact, he got you
this lovely gift.

Clovers should have
three leaves, Judy.

I'm sure it's cursed.
He probably got it from Gerald,

that male witch
who lives near the dump.

It's all part of Craig's
twisted game.

HONEYBEE:
So, Beef, what's your beef with Craig?

I followed him on Snaphole

and he seems like a total
sweetie on social media.

Last week he posted
a video of him

bottle feeding a baby dolphin.

Well, growing up, we always
sat next to each other in class

because the teacher didn't know
Ptarmigan started with a P.

So we became friends.
We both liked pie

and cake equally.

We always had the same
number of teeth.

We even have the same birthday,
which was so fun.

But after high school
we just stopped hanging out.

And for the past 20 years,

I feel like
he's been messing with me,

and I have no idea why.

Messing with you how?
Well, one day I found

a bucket of rotting chum
on my boat and saw someone

who may or may not have been
Craig walking away. Mmhmm.

And one time at ValUBuy,
his cart, quote,

"got away from him"
and crashed into our van.

I also have a suspicion
that for years

He's been replacing
all my nets

with nearly identical nets.
It's diabolical.

Who knows what he'll do
here at the Herring Run.

Dad, you got to stop thinking
about Craig Ptarmigan

and you got to start
thinking about herring.

Are you herring that, Dad?

(chuckles)
You get it?

Yes, I herr you.

All right, let's all
go in for our final

herring run... through.

Are you guys gonna be doing
herring puns all day?

Yes. And that's my
final answer.

Oh, boy.

Oh, thank you
for bringing me, Ham,

to the mother ocean.

Press my button again
so I may sing unto her.

♪ BBow, bow, bow,
how far could the ocean go? ♪

♪ Is there any way ♪

♪ For us to know? ♪

♪ Bow, the beautiful sea. ♪

Actually, Ham, we do know
how far it goes. Very.

And earlier, when I said there's
at least 1,000 fish in the sea?

Also true. And soon,
1,000 of my herring brethren

will be hauled into the air,
where they are doomed to die.

Oh, no.
Are they as charismatic as you?

Some even more so,
but mostly not.

Regardless, it is unto you
to save them. How?

Just save the herring, Ham.
Save 'em.

Can you, uh, get your hands
on any explosives?

I don't think so.

Well, the only other idea I have
is singing the same song

over and over again,
so I think you're on your own.

Huh. Do I go against my dad
and help a fish I just met?

I would.
Can't argue with that.

ANNOUNCER:
30 seconds to the start of the Herring Run.

Here we go. Gonna try to catch
$900 worth of herring

alongside a dozen other
desperate fishermen

and my nemesis.

And then I will buy a jet ski

and put this nonsense
to rest for good.

ANNOUNCER:
Five, four, three, two, one.

The Herring Run is on!

(loud bang)

Oh, no!
The engine! HAM: Yay!

II mean, oh, no.
Craig!

WOLF:
Yeah, it's just the gear train.

I'll have us
up and running in no time.

The sonar isn't working either.

This could be a sign.

Maybe the fish
aren't meant to be caught today.

Or ever?

CRAIG:
Come in, Tobins. This is

Craig Ptarmigan.
I noticed the smoke.

Hope nothing's gone wrong.

There's only 14 minutes left.

Now, listen here.

Uh, thanks for asking,
Craig Ptarmigan.

We're fine.
And while I have you,

thanks for donating the owl
exhibit to the Nature Center.

It's a hoohoohoo,
hoohuge hit.

(laughing)

You're owlcome.
Craig out.

(sighs)
What a delightful man.

He's taunting me.
He did this.

He messed with the boat.

I wonder what else
is boobytrapped.

Dad, you're being silly.

Our boat breaks all the time

because it's
a million years old.

Incorrect.
It's 48 years old,

and it only breaks
some of the time.

We're back in business.

Lara, how's it look up there?

See any fish?

Lots.
You'll have to be more specific.

Herring.
I know.

I'm just messing with you.

You know I always appreciated
your impish spirit, Lara,

but we're under the gun here.

Oh, okay.
For real

near the southern edge
of the legal fishing border,

there's a whole mess of herring.

Oh, no.
My friend Seth lives

on the southern edge
of the legal fishing border.

He's a good guy.
Works hard, loves his family.

Sure, he drinks too much,
but does he deserve to die?

Does Seth deserve to die?

Oh, no, not Seth.

Full disclosure, I have no idea

what I did to the engine
to make it work,

so take it easy, Dad.

Full speed works, too.

If it breaks, I'll just
poke around blindly again.

No worries.

JUDY:
Lara was right.

There's a bunch of herring here.

♪ Whoomp, herring it is. ♪

JUDY:
Oh, no, our herring!

The patrol boat
scared them all away.

Oh, no.
Those unpaid library fines

have finally caught up to me.

Wait for me on the outside,
Honeybee.

Good afternoon, Tobin,
Tobin, Tobin,

Tobin, Tobin, ma'am.

Game Warden Burt,
what brings you here?

You're forbidding us
from fishing?

Is that what you're saying?

Yes, actually.

Tough but fair.
I respect it.

Let's head home, guys.

I don't understand.
What's the problem?

Just doing my job, Beef.
Those nets are going

over the legal fishing border.

Uh, I know you're a newbie
to the Herring Run,

but I'll have to
give you a ticket.

A newbie?
Is that slang for "new baby"?

Because I can assure you
I am an old baby

who's been fishing here
for decades.

I know where the border is.

Sit tight.
Writing this ticket

shouldn't take more
than Craig minutes.

Did you just say
"Craig minutes"?

No, I said "Ptarmigan minutes."

No, I said "12 normal minutes,"
and you all heard it.

So Craig put you up to this.

Pfft. Craig who?
What's a Craig?

You mean Meg?
I know her. Why?

Burt.
Well, I mean...

Okay, fine.
Yeah, he did.

(all gasp)
No. Unbelievable.

He doesn't rock?

Dad, you were right.
Craig's a hater.

Why are you helping him,
Game Warden Burt?

Or maybe I should call you
For Shame Warden Burt.

I helped him because...
well, he gave me a mini fridge

and a code to get
a free 23andMe kit.

Because we're friends.

Not as a bribe.

Listen to yourself,
Game Warden Burt.

Is this the type of
public servant you want to be,

by which I mean bad?

No, I want to be good.

I want to be good!

You know what,
I'm redeeming myself!

Craig.
CRAIG: Go for Ptarmigan.

The jig is up, bud.

I'm here with the Tobins.

They know what
you've been up to.

I had a change of heart.

Actually, we caught you.

Well, they caught me,
and then I had

a change of heart,
so I'm letting them go.

Uh, I don't know
what you're talking about Burt.

BEEF:
Don't bother, Craig.

I know about the chum,

the shopping cart and now this.

You suck, Craig.
Yeah.

We'll never forgive you
for making us

pull out of the Herring Run
and go home now

after harming not a single fish.

(chuckles)
Right?

Craig, you tried your best
to shut me down,

but the scales have tipped.
The fish scales.

And the tables have turned.
The water tables. And this...

Dad, you're on fire right now,
but we should really get going.

Right. Excuse us, Burt.
We a have Doo hole to fill.

ANNOUNCER:
We're at the seven minute, 30 second mark, folks.

Halfway done
with the Herring Run.

Halfway done.
Halfway done.

♪ Halfway done, halfway done ♪

♪ Well, I'm ♪

♪ Halfway done
with the Herring Run ♪

♪ But it feels like my run
has just begun ♪

♪ Oh, we're halfway done ♪

♪ We're looking for
the fishy treasures ♪

♪ Oh, he's halfway done ♪

♪ He deserves
the SeaDoo's pleasures ♪

♪ The Herring Run
is a metaphor ♪

♪ For the half of life
that I'm headed for ♪

♪ You can't help but think
when you're in between ♪

♪ That you got to figure out
what it all might mean ♪

♪ Oh, we're halfway done ♪

♪ Looking forward
and looking back ♪

♪ And soon,
you'll have to measure ♪

♪ All the fish
inside your sack ♪

♪ Oh, I'm halfway done ♪

♪ Looking for
the fishy treasures ♪

♪ Oh, I'm halfway done ♪

♪ Do I deserve ♪

♪ The SeaDoo's pleasures? ♪

Dad, we got to move.

I radioed Lara,
and she's coming up empty.

All we've got
is your fish sixth sense.

Where are we going?

♪ ♪

HERRING:
Beef...

follow us.

Head north.
Aye, aye, Captain Dad.

CRAIG:
Where are you going, Beef? What'd you see, bud?

Pull the nets.
We're done here.

I want Beef's fish!

We got company.

Ahoy, Tobins! We hope you're
having a rich and bountiful...

Not now, Londra!

Where the heck are we going?

Where the heck
are you going?

(laughs) Let's see you get into
this channel with your large,

very impressive,
stateoftheart boat, Craig.

Sick burn, Dad, using his own
incredible boat against him.

Ah, we can't fit.
I'm turning the boat.

We did it!
We lost Craig!

Oh, look at him back there,
sucking, like we said earlier.

Look at all that fish!
This is a monster haul.

COLTON:
Ham, Ham, Ham, Ham,

you could still save some
of my brothers and sisters.

Enjoy freedom, friend.

Oh, come on, bird!

(grunting)

Okay, you guys
just chill in this bucket

till we get back to shore,
where I will release you.

Anything else? Snacks? No?
You're good.

LARA:
Heads up Craig went around the long way,

and he's closing in
on you guys fast.

(horn droning)
What should we do?

I say we play chicken,
go straight at him.

He'll flinch.
I can feel it.

Beef, here I come.

Are you going to ram
into my boat and drown my kids?

What?
No.

I'm just gonna nudge your boat
and knock your net loose

so all your fish will get away.

Craig, why are you doing this?

Everyone, brace for nudging!

(gasps) We hit something!
We're taking on water!

You mess with the Beef,
you get the reef.

There they are!
Toss a buoy!

Buoy toss!
(grunts)

Oh, no!
We can't reach them.

Lower the net
so they can grab on.

Let the fish go.
With pleasure.

Dad, the SeaDoo!
Your midlife crisis!

Craig, grab the net.
Climb aboard!

No way. I won't
let you rescue me, Tobin.

Look, whatever it is you've had
against me all these years,

you won, Craig you won life.

You're a cool, rich, single guy

with a really nice boat
until very, very recently.

Everyone loves you, and you
probably already own a SeaDoo.

I have a Yamaha

and one of those
water jet pack things,

but I didn't win.

You did, Beef.

Because I don't have
Kuh... Kuh...

Corn!
Candy? Candy corn!

I have some left over
from Halloween, Craig.

You can have all of it.

All this over some candy corn.
Makes me sick.

You don't have what, Craig?

Kathleen.
And it's all your fault.

What are you talking about?

You and Kathleen
never even dated.

But we should have.

You ruined my chances with her
at my birthday party.

Our birthday party.

The joint one we had
when we both turned 18.

I came out of the bathroom,

and you called me...
you called me...

(laughs)
Craig Turdmigan!

CRAIG:
After that, everyone started calling me Turdmigan.

And Kathleen went home with you
that night instead of me.

I wasn't even taking a turd.

I was vomiting.

You got Kathleen,
and every time I see you,

I'm Craig Turdmigan
all over again.

Sorry, Craig.
I was young and dumb.

Hey, Dad, Craig passed out
from the cold.

Whoops.
I'm on it.

CRAIG:
Thanks for saving me, Beef.

While I was in the water,
I got some clarity.

Also hallucinations,
but mostly clarity.

I've always had a little
Kathleenshaped hole in my heart

and turning 40
only made it worse.

But I realized
I don't want your life, Beef.

I hate kids. That's why
I donate playground equipment.

I prefer they stay there
and away from me.

I feel the same.

About not wanting your life,
not about kids.

I believe kids are funny,

smaller versions
of regular people.

Also, I love mine.

And you know Kathleen
left me, right?

Aw, man, I would love
to be left by Kathleen.

There's still time.

Thanks, man.

I have a confession.

I tried to save these herring,

but instead,
I accidentally killed them.

In the heat of the moment,

I put them in fresh water
instead of salt water.

Molly of Denali,
with that herring

and your bar mitzvah money,

we'd have enough
to rent a SeaDoo.

Eh. I realized something
out on the water, too.

Growing old isn't about
grasping at youth

by getting a SeaDoo.

It's about grace
and dignity and...

Ah, screw it,
let's rent that Doo.

Midlife crisis?

More like
midlife howniceisthis.

My Doo hole runneth over.

♪ Vroom ♪

(chuckles)
SeaDoo magoo.

I'm getting one of these
for the tub.

If this is a midlife crisis,
I'll have what I'm having.

(giggles)

♪ That moves. ♪

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