All language subtitles for Sandylands_1x03

Personally, and it's been a few
weeks since I've been, mind,

but I'd recommend the Sand Museum

or maybe Seaweed World?

You got time for both?

Here he is.

I've put your undies on a boil
wash.

But, more importantly, did we have a
lovely, little sleep?

A delightful respite, thank you.

Yay.

Didn't hear a grown man crying at
all?

Should I have?

No, no...

Here's your coffee.

Erm, maybe I could freshen your
egg?

Oh, can we offer you a cup of
Jeannie's juice?

Oh, yes, I squeeze it myself.

It's not to everyone's taste,
but I can't get enough.

I'll go grab one of my jugs.

I'll help squeeze. Here you are.

Ow!

Why don't you take an advert
out in the paper

and tell everyone you're here?
You could've taken my ear out.

Why aren't you in the loft, Dad?

All right.

It's horrible.

There's also a massive spider up
there with a chip on his shoulder.

Thought I'd cook you a hero's
breakfast, you know,

say thanks for, erm... Getting shot?

Tasered.

Defrosted a couple of sausages.

I'm a vegan, Dad. Oh.

Gotta have some bacon.

Go on, then.

Ey!

Hey... girl.

Oh, God, no.

Hm, just as I thought.

Paint.

Shouldn't have eaten that.

God, would you just send that
bloody text and get over here?

You're wasting police time.

Oh, Sandy Glands.

That's pretty good.
Don't laugh at it.

That's the third one this week.

Here, write this down.

Size nine flip-flop. Single print.

So, would that be the flip or the
flop?

Here, jackpot.

Might have some DNA here.

Oh, God!

What the hell are you doing?

You've contaminated the evidence.
You...

Oh, don't worry. There's loads of
them back here.

That's a full one.

All right, darling. Nearly there.

Bet you thought I'd forgotten.

# Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday dear Emily

# Happy birthday to you. #

Bon appetit.

Your favourite.

I'm not eight years old.

Who put sand in your drawers?

Don't, I barely slept worrying
about all this.

You need a proper plan.
This is serious.

Hey, hey. It's all in hand.

Really?

Voila.

Peru.

Picture the scene.

Sun is shining.

There's a little guy playing
Spanish guitar.

Couple of llamas just
knocking about.

Wander down at the beach,

beautiful white sand, no dog mess.

And there,

the twinkling lights of our new
arcade.

Emily World, named after...
hm... you.

So you've got a fake passport
sorted then?

Visa?

What about the insurance company?

Are they gonna wave you off at the airport
with the cash and a bottle of sun cream?

God, Dad, did you actually plan any
of this?

Yes, of course. Go on, then.

All right.

Step one - fake death.

Yep, mm-hm, good. Tick that off.

Step two.
Oh. So there is a step two?

Obviously. Step two...

..get the money.

Oh, that is a bloody master plan,
that is. Bravo, Napoleon.

All right, you're a black cloud,
you are.

This could take ages, Dad.

Months of filling in forms,

hiding, lying to the police,
to everyone.

I can't be here looking after you.

I've got to go home.

Hey. Hey, one day at a time.

Relax. Oh, you're not listening,
Dad.

I am.

I hear you.

I do.

How about Thailand, eh?

Picture the scene.

The sun is shining...

Bub, where're you going?

Do not slam that...

..door.

It's good luck, that.

You need a cab?

No?

I was... Bit of a mad one for
me last night.

What're you here for?
Holiday, is it?

Make sure you do the Sand Museum,

or Seaweed World.

I mean, both if you've got the
time.

Oh, insurance investigator, eh?

Uh-oh, someone's in for it.

Oh, no. Is it Les?

Of course, that makes sense.

Freak accident, no body found,

it's all very mysterious.

Of course, old Bob here knows
exactly what happened to him.

He was buggered by dolphins.

Right up the blow hole!

No, no, that one's knackered.

Not been working since...
Les Vegas?

That's it.

Friend of his, are you?

Bloody tragedy, that.

He was out all night,

but he only paid for an hour.

Still, I've moved on.

We've had more reports of
graffiti, over.

Received.

Whiskey, Sierra...

..bye-bye.

Little bastard.

Did she seem off to you, though?

Who? Emily.

Are you still banging on about
that? It were her dad's funeral.

And you shot her.
Yeah, I did. I did.

I'll tell you what I'd do.

When you've finished your shift,

go over to her house.

Knock on the door... Yeah.

..and arrest her.

And then she'll have to spend some
time with you.

We could do a bit of the old good
cop, bad cop.

How's that going to work?

Well, you make kissy faces while I
break one of her fingers.

You are very violent, Trude.

Oh, grow up, Goldilocks.

It's a big, bad world out there.

Hey!

I mean, that's just getting
personal now.

Can you stop it?

No.

What? Where does that go?

Bin.

Do you not recycle, Dad?
It's so important.

Jeez, I can't even put rubbish in a
bin any more.

Remember this?

Dad, please.
I'm trying to concentrate.

Who's that?
How the hell should I know.

Mate.

It's Tina.

What's she doing back here now?

Emily! Emily!

Emily, it's an emergency.

Out the way, babe. I've drank a
gallon of SlimFast.

I'm gonna wet myself, or worse.

Tina, Tina!

Tina!

Are you OK in there?

Ah, yeah, soz, babes.

I usually keep an empty bottle on
the bus, you know, for emergencies.

I've finished for the day now.

We could... hang out,

get something pierced

Er, I've got a bit of stuff to sort
out, really.

All right, Les.

All right, Tina.

Ah! Shh, shh.

Ah! Ah!

Tina? Ah!

Tina?

Calm, calm, calm...

C-c-c-customer in the house.

What can I get you, blud?

Tens or twos?

Tens, innit?

Man's a high roller.

Whoa.

Is this about the fire in the
office?

I knew there'd be a fat claim.

Wait, how much are we talking?

Cos that bin's a total write0off.
Is Emily going to be rich?

This is Emily... Verma?

You're in luck,
she's staying at her dad's.

Oh, yes?

I can give her a bell, if you like.

I would like that very much.

Honestly, everything's fine.

But you do look like death,

doesn't she, Derek?

You haven't come across that
lawnmower, have you?

Military green, about yea high.

Derek, she's been through a
terrible time.

Listen, if you ever want to talk
about anything,

we're just next door.
Anything at all.

Depression, anxiety, women's
issues... I'm fine, thanks.

I'm very clued up, vaginally.

Deep breaths.

Smell the coconut.

Very calming.

But why would you do it?

It's just a little insurance thing -
no harm.

I can't believe you never told me.

Oh, that's tough. Oh, shut up, Dad.
I only found out myself yesterday.

Can someone undo my bra a notch?
Cos I'm struggling to breathe here.

Now, Tina, I need you to promise
you won't tell anyone about this.

Oh, no, no, no, nah,
I won't tell hardly anyone.

No-one, Tina. Are you listening?
Yeah.

Why have you just texted,
"You'll never guess what"?

It's about something else.
It's in a group called "Les Chat".

All right, all right.

You secret's safe.

Pinky promise.

And that is unbreakable by law,
that is.

So you could actually sue me,

but don't because I am already
skint.

It's the arcade.

Kenny, you OK?

Hello, Miss Verma.

I represent Willets & Willets
life insurance.

I trust we're having a wonderful
day.

Right, so what you've got is a dry
T-zone.Oh.

You all right? It's the shitting
insurance company.

Oh, well, that's good. We knew they
were going to call. Did we?

Ask them if they'll do cash.
My God, this is it.

He's at the arcade. Shit, what am I
going to say?

Act normal.

What do you mean, normal?

Well, first off, say something.

Hello?

Er, hiya!

Sorry, I was just...

..on the loo.

All done now.

Miss Verma, I'm in town regarding
your recent insurance claim.

I told him about the bin, Emily.
Gonna be a fat pay out.

Sorry, mate.

I have a few routine questions.

Just dot the Is, cross those Ts.

Won't take much of your time.

Perhaps I could come by the house.
He wants to come here.

No! No, no.

Er, no, no.

How about the cafe by the pier?

Say, four?

Excellent, you have made my day.

Until then.

Anything?

All looks... Oh, God.

He's sprayed a cock on the side of
the pier. No.

How large are we talking?

It's... a big'un!

Got your favourite, Emily, love.

Sorry to hear about Donna, Les.

Plenty more fish in the sea though,
eh?

You shouldn't even be down here.
Emily'll kill me.

Come on, it's time to celebrate.

Money's coming in,

everything is falling into place.

Yeah, well, let's hope you don't
get caught though, Les.

Don't put a downer on it all.
We won't.

Now, Madame, shall I sort your rim?

Well, you'll have to buy me dinner
first.

Oh.

Miss Verma, I assume.

My card.

I took the liberty of ordering us
both some tea.

Tea, great. Love tea.

So many teas, aren't there,
these days?

Peppermint, lemon and ginger...

..rooibos.

Shall I be mother?

Milk?

I appreciate how much of a shock
this must be for you.

Your eye? Doesn't bother me.

Oh, you mean Dad.
Sorry, bit nervous.

I've not done this before.

Please don't be.

People get a little jumpy when they
see the word "investigator".

Rest assured,

I won't be peeping at you from
behind the bushes

with a pair of binoculars.

Or a telescope.

Sorry, that's not like me.

Sorry.

Well, just a few standard questions

and I'll be on my merry, little
way.

Oh, good. I mean, take your time.

Right.

Question one.

# Take on me

# Take me on

# Take on me

# I'll be gone

# In a day or two... #

I'll get it.

No, no, no, Les.

I'll get it.

Oh, yeah.

Hello, hello, hello.

Is this some sort of a bust?
Why, yes, it is.

Ooh, somebody smells nice.

Oh, erm, just a bit of Jazz.

Erm, is the lady of the house
present?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

She went out, yeah.

I'm just, er...

..yeah, I'm just, erm...

..I'm plant sitting, actually.

Say hello to Kanye.

Right, erm, hello... Kanye.

Erm, has she gone into town?

Back off, Columbo, I ain't saying
nothing. I pinky promised.

But if you leg it down to the
seafront,

you might find her.

Mm-hm.

Go get her, lover boy.

Right, cheers.

A yes or no will be fine.

I forgot the question.

Are you Emily Verma?

All clear.

Are you getting pervert vibes off
this guy?

Who? Nathan?

He's all right.

Oh...

Miss going for a stroll down the
beach about now.

I do miss it.

Sand between my toes,

bit of sea air.

Come on, Tina, let's nip out.

There's hardly going to be anyone
down there at this time.

Give over, Les.

We're not leaving this house -
Emily said.

Emily said, Emily said.

All right, all right. No, fair,
forget it.

We are out of booze though.

So, that's that.

Not too probing, I hope.

What? No.

Not at all.

Now for the boring bit.

A little legal jargon.

Should your claim be found
to be fraudulent

or if you enter into said claim
knowing fraud has been committed,

you could face up to ten years
in prison.

Okey dokey.

So, if you would just sign here,

here, here and here

and here and here,

and initial here,

here and here.

Pen?

There's nothing to be concerned
about,

unless of course there's something
you're not telling me.

I'm joking.

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

That's gone everywhere.

It's fine.

Oh, these are all ruined now.

What a clumsy... Oh, dear.

Oh, is that the...? I've got to
meet a friend, sorry.

Er, let's do this again.

Er... asap.

I... I'll call you.

Emily!

Oh, shit, sorry, hi!

Ah, fancy seeing you here.

I'm just out for one of my big, old
runs.

Oh, PB. Nice.

What are you up to?
Oh, nothing much.

Cool, cool.

I was thinking about
having a quickie. Erm, a pint.

Fancy it? No Tasers this time.

Yeah, I could do with a drink.

Oh, off we go then.

Well, I wouldn't recognise you.

Yeah, I'd lose the ski goggles
though.

You reckon?
Oh, I'm not sure about this, Les.

Come on, it's only an hour.

All right, half an hour tops.

Right, I'll leave Emily a note.
No need. Already taken care of it.

Here you go.

Double whiskey then.

Oh, someone's thirsty.

No, help yourself.

I only really wanted a half.

You OK?

Is it your dad? What?

You know, the memorial and
everything.

No, no, I'm fine.

Sorry again about Trude and
the... buzzz.

She's lovely, but she's...

..very trigger happy.

Is everything all right with
your...?

I mean, it all looks great from
here.

Lovely bosom.

Oh, there that goes.

I'll get us another.

Sorry!

Gotta go, I'll call you.

Stop, please!

Cheers.

So where is Peru then?

It's sort of... over there.

You should come out and visit.

Free holibobs?

Damn right.

I'll tell you what, Lessie, babes,

you... are... a... bloody nutter,
mate!

Like something out of a freaking
movie.

You reckon? Yeah.

Wealthy daughter comes home after
dad dies.

Meets this super spunky, hot,
psychic, you know,

world-class bants,

and then, plot twist,

her dad only turns up alive.

A busy few weeks, eh?

Yeah. Mm.
I can picture the ending now.

So you and Emily are in one of thos
old convertibles,

speeding through the desert.

Helicopters, police cars,

they're all chasing after you.
What?

Yeah, cos you've been on the run
for months.

And she's screaming at you, right?

Emily's like, "What are we going to
do, Dad?!

"What are we going to do?!"

You're looking over at your little
girl, you're like,

"I'm so sorry, darling,
I'm so sorry.

"This is all my fault. I should
never have got you into any of this."

But she's in way too deep now,
and there's nowhere else to go.

And it's like, "Kaboom!"

Kaboom?

Yeah, cos you've driven off a
cliff.

That's probably just the movie,
mind.

Definitely get Gwyneth Paltrow to
play me.

Bottom half Beyonce.

What about you, Les, babes?

Les.

Stop! These are my best shoes!

Nathan?

It's him, Trude!

Sorry, me again.

I've just come to turn up your
loo roll.

Dad.

Idiot.

So, how long will you be with us,
Mr... erm...?

Indefinitely.

Oh.

Nice day for it.

Dad, what are you doing?

Emily! Dad, we need to leave, now.

Darling, I've been thinking...

You should go...

..back home to London,
to all your urban pottery stuff.

I should never have dragged you
into all of this.

Dad, please, just...
I'm gonna turn myself in.

What? Have you gone mad?

It won't be that bad.

Two, three years, tops.

Pretty boy like me might have his
ups and downs, mind.

I could try and make a shank.
Can we talk about this at home?

No, darling. I've gotta put a stop
to this.

Take some responsibility,
like you've always said.

But... No, no, I need to be a
better dad - a proper dad -

before I end off driving us both
off a cliff and then kaboom.

What? Dad, come on.

That's enough now.
It's time for you to go home.

Dad... Emily, please.

Go.

Just go!

Oh, what're you doing back?

Sand Museum shut, was it?

Bit rude.

Oh, ow!

Oh, he tripped over my head!

I've got him!

Emily, what are you doing?
It's the man.

What man?
The man from the insurance company.

Emily. I am not losing you again,
Dad.

Argh.

You're nicked, mate. And for the
record, I do not have crabs...

..any more.

Can't believe I got him.
Nice one, mate.

And... I've lost him.

Next stop, Peru, eh?

What's wrong with this bloody thing?

Is it not working?

Have you not been pedalling?

Should've recycled that. Oh!

All right, all right, all right.

Argh, well, it's stuck, innit?

Well, I know that.

Oh, please don't tell me we're
adrift in this thing.

Great. Brilliant.

Let the tide do the work.

Ah, argh!

Hey, it's quite ironic, this,
when you think about it.

I'll drown you myself, Dad,
I swear to God.

I'm just saying,
it's quite amusing.

Do you want a Polo?

No, I don't want a bloody Polo. No.

No, no, you're right.
We should ration these.

Here, how hard do you think it is
to catch a seagull?

Shut up. Shut up, shut up!

I'm just trying to be practical.
You're not being practical.