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00:00:06,441 --> 00:00:09,571
KID CAPRI: It's the
Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam.
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00:00:09,618 --> 00:00:11,358
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
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00:00:11,402 --> 00:00:12,402
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
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00:00:14,753 --> 00:00:19,673
I am your man, the world's
greatest DJ, the Kid Capri.
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00:00:19,715 --> 00:00:21,625
With your host...
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00:00:24,198 --> 00:00:25,898
Tonight's guests...
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Welcome to the stage
my main man, Ed Lover!
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00:00:37,907 --> 00:00:39,257
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
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00:00:49,571 --> 00:00:51,311
Oh, yeah!
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00:00:51,355 --> 00:00:54,135
Somebody say, "Ho!"AUDIENCE: Ho!
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00:00:54,184 --> 00:00:56,364
Y'all give it up
for Kid Capri!
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00:00:56,404 --> 00:00:57,674
Give that nigga love!
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00:00:59,450 --> 00:01:02,110
That's my
motherfuckin' man, Capri.
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00:01:02,149 --> 00:01:04,589
I love that
ol' motherfucker shit, man.
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I'mma old nigga, y'all.
I'll tell y'all straight up,
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00:01:06,240 --> 00:01:07,720
I'm 33 years old
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00:01:07,763 --> 00:01:09,903
and I'm only fuckin'
one time a night.
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Straight up!
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One time. Women want
too much motherfuckin' shit out of a nigga.
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One time.
All that other shit,
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that's for young boys.
I can't get down like that.
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I love that ol' shit.
Old hip-hop.
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Remember ol' hip-hop?
Shit ain't the same no more, man.
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I got kids.
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Motherfuckin' toys
and shit is outrageous.
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I can't fuck
with them toys, man.
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What happened to Barbie?
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00:01:32,222 --> 00:01:34,222
What happened
to G. I. Joe?
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Now they got
Baby Walk and Talk,
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Baby Sit and Shit...
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
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Baby Eat and Piss.
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You know what I'm talking
'bout, right, homeboy?
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You still got a Jheri curl.
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You know what
I'm talkin' 'bout.[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
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00:01:46,715 --> 00:01:48,105
Right?
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You know me, right?
Old shit, you know.
38
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You know, nigga, shit.
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Oh, you ain't laughin', nigga,
you got a perm, aight.
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00:01:55,593 --> 00:01:57,253
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
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00:01:57,291 --> 00:01:59,211
All right?
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All right.
Right on, nigga.
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Aight,
Snoop Doggy Corn.
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I see ya, nigga.
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I'll be... I'll be
out here for you all.
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Niggas can get up here,
too, all right?
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I'll be gone
like a motherfucker.
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Black women, give yourselves
a nice round of applause
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in here tonight.
50
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[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
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00:02:14,743 --> 00:02:17,143
I love me some black women.
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00:02:17,180 --> 00:02:19,920
You will not see Ed Lover
with a white woman.
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All right?
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Nuh-uh.
Hell, no.
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Nope. Mmm-mmm.
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00:02:24,056 --> 00:02:25,446
You see me with
a white woman,
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y'all, I'm holdin' her
for the police.
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All right?
I don't get down like that.
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Now remember what I said.
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I said, "You won't see me
with a white woman."
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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All right?
They can get it, too.
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Shit. Sisters always
want everything.
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Nigga went
to the Million Man March.
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Now y'all wanna
have a fuckin' Million Woman March.
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Can you imagine
a million fuckin'
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black women marchin'
on Washington?
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That shit'd last
one fuckin' hour.
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Two of y'all see
another bitch out there
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with the same outfit
you got on?
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"Ah, hell no. Ah, hell nah.
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"Ah, hell no, she didn't."
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All right, we gonna keep
the show rollin'.
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From Fort Lauderdale, Florida,
give a hand to Kyle Grooms.
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Give it up!
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[MUSIC PLAYING][AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
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L.A., L.A., wassup?
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All right, lemme
hear the ladies in here say, "Hi!"
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AUDIENCE: Hey!Well, all right.
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I see all these beautiful
black ladies in here.
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Black women, how many ladies
in here would like to find
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a good, strong, educated,
successful black man?
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Clap it up. How many would
to find that shit out?
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[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
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I tell ya what y'all do.
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Ask the white woman.
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[LAUGHS]
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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'Cause they seem to be
doin' very well
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at the successful black men.
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Now don't...
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Don't think
I'm racist or nothing.
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Don't think
I have anything against
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interracial relationships,
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'cause I got to
tell the truth.
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Me, myself,
I did that shit,
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but I had to leave her ass.
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'Cause I took her home
for Thanksgiving
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00:03:58,977 --> 00:04:00,677
and my family went crazy.
100
00:04:00,718 --> 00:04:02,148
Makin' smart comments
and shit.
101
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My father in the kitchen
carvin' a turkey,
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00:04:04,722 --> 00:04:07,162
"Kyle, you want
some of this turkey?
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"Let me guess, you want
white meat, huh, nigga?"
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00:04:10,119 --> 00:04:12,639
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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00:04:12,687 --> 00:04:16,037
And one of my aunts,
strong sista from down South,
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00:04:16,081 --> 00:04:18,391
she felt she had to
pull me aside
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00:04:18,432 --> 00:04:21,172
and tell me about
datin' this white woman.
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She said, "Boy, come here.
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"What in the hell
wrong with you?
110
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"She white. You's negro.
111
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"Your mami was a negro.
112
00:04:33,142 --> 00:04:35,932
"Your mami's mami was a negro.
113
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"Your mami's mami before dat
and before dat
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"and before dat was a negra.
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"Oh, I's feel mighty bad.
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"All's my life I had to fight.
117
00:04:53,989 --> 00:04:56,249
"I had to fight my brothers.
118
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"I had to fight my papi.
119
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"And while you told
her boo to beat me."
120
00:05:01,823 --> 00:05:03,613
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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I'm glad some of y'all
got cable in this motherfucker.
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00:05:06,958 --> 00:05:08,868
I hate that
Color Purpleshit.
123
00:05:08,917 --> 00:05:10,347
I tell you why,
'cause black people,
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00:05:10,397 --> 00:05:12,007
we didn't talk like that.
125
00:05:12,050 --> 00:05:13,620
If you see Oprah Winfrey,
tell her I'm mad at her
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'cause I don't appreciate
that shit.
127
00:05:15,489 --> 00:05:17,669
"I loves Harpo.
128
00:05:18,492 --> 00:05:21,232
"Lord knows I do.
129
00:05:21,277 --> 00:05:24,017
"But I kill him dead before
I would let him beat me."
130
00:05:24,062 --> 00:05:25,762
I hate that shit.
131
00:05:25,803 --> 00:05:27,683
'Cause let's face it,
in Hollywood,
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white people
get cool lines in movies.
133
00:05:30,112 --> 00:05:32,852
"Go ahead, make my day."
134
00:05:32,897 --> 00:05:35,337
"Hasta la vista, baby."
135
00:05:35,378 --> 00:05:37,248
"I'll be back."
136
00:05:37,293 --> 00:05:38,903
We get shit like,
137
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"I was fixin' to drive
Miss Daisy to Piggly Wiggly."
138
00:05:43,430 --> 00:05:45,740
That's some bullshit.
139
00:05:45,780 --> 00:05:48,260
Burn, Hollywood,
burn, goddamn it.
140
00:05:48,304 --> 00:05:51,054
And you know what I hate?
Them old movies...
141
00:05:51,089 --> 00:05:53,309
Them old movies,
we need to burn that film.
142
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You seen 'em.
They'll have a brother
143
00:05:55,442 --> 00:05:58,182
in the basement,
in the dark,
144
00:05:58,227 --> 00:06:00,357
with a lantern, scared.
145
00:06:00,403 --> 00:06:02,013
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
146
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He hear a noise.
"Who there?"
147
00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:10,497
"Me."
"Who that said, 'Me' when I says, 'Who there?'"
148
00:06:10,544 --> 00:06:12,424
"Me say, 'Me.'"
"Who that say, 'Me'
149
00:06:12,459 --> 00:06:15,419
"when I say, "Who that say,
'Me say me?'"
150
00:06:15,462 --> 00:06:18,902
"Oh, I's feel mighty bad.
151
00:06:18,943 --> 00:06:22,513
"All's my life
I had to fight."
152
00:06:22,556 --> 00:06:24,686
Thank you, that's my time.
My name is Kyle, all right.
153
00:06:24,732 --> 00:06:25,732
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
154
00:06:36,831 --> 00:06:39,401
Give it up for
Kyle Grooms, y'all. Give him love!
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Shit.
156
00:06:43,620 --> 00:06:45,060
I like that shit.
157
00:06:45,100 --> 00:06:46,450
I tell y'all one thing,
if I'd have been a slave,
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I'd have been
a house nigga.
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00:06:48,320 --> 00:06:51,240
I woulda told
all y'all motherfuckers, "Master Joe,
160
00:06:51,280 --> 00:06:54,720
"Russell Simmons is doin'
a Def Comedy Jam.
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"Right 'round
back the barn."
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I woulda told on all
y'all motherfuckers. I don't give a fuck.
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What's up, poor pimps?
164
00:07:01,464 --> 00:07:03,424
What's happenin'?
165
00:07:03,466 --> 00:07:04,816
All right, we gonna
keep the show movin'.
166
00:07:04,859 --> 00:07:07,469
From Los Angeles, California,
167
00:07:07,514 --> 00:07:10,694
can y'all please give it up
for Mr. Evan Lionel!
168
00:07:10,734 --> 00:07:12,134
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
169
00:07:14,695 --> 00:07:16,305
Make some noise, L.A.!
170
00:07:16,348 --> 00:07:18,868
Make some noise! Wassup?
171
00:07:18,916 --> 00:07:22,566
Wassup?
Representin' the house!
172
00:07:22,616 --> 00:07:25,356
Wassup, Kid?
Give it up for Kid Capri.
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He be bumpin'!
174
00:07:26,750 --> 00:07:28,230
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
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00:07:28,273 --> 00:07:31,363
Man, oh, man, oh, man.
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Man, I'm single.
177
00:07:35,106 --> 00:07:36,716
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
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00:07:39,328 --> 00:07:41,108
Definitely single.
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00:07:41,156 --> 00:07:44,066
I believe that women
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00:07:44,115 --> 00:07:46,545
are the strongest creatures
on the planet.
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00:07:46,596 --> 00:07:47,856
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
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00:07:50,121 --> 00:07:53,821
That's right. Because women
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00:07:53,864 --> 00:07:56,354
are the only creatures
on the planet
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who can bleed for five days
and don't die.
185
00:07:59,043 --> 00:08:00,483
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND CHEERING]
186
00:08:03,004 --> 00:08:05,144
Fellas, you hear me?
187
00:08:05,180 --> 00:08:06,830
Make some noise, fellas!
188
00:08:09,271 --> 00:08:14,021
I cut my finger right now,
I got to leave the stage!
189
00:08:14,058 --> 00:08:16,708
Some of 'em sittin' out there,
bleedin' and laughin', right now.
190
00:08:16,757 --> 00:08:18,367
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
191
00:08:24,329 --> 00:08:26,509
I'm tellin' you, ladies.
192
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I'm tellin' you,
y'all got the power.
193
00:08:28,595 --> 00:08:30,115
I give it up to y'all.
194
00:08:30,161 --> 00:08:31,511
Y'all got the power.
195
00:08:31,554 --> 00:08:34,384
I love women
'cause women got milk.
196
00:08:34,426 --> 00:08:36,206
And milk does a body good.
197
00:08:36,254 --> 00:08:37,784
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
198
00:08:37,821 --> 00:08:39,431
Look around,
we got breasts in the house.
199
00:08:39,475 --> 00:08:41,605
Right now, if you wanted to,
you could feed us all.
200
00:08:41,651 --> 00:08:44,391
We got breasts
in the house. Look at this.
201
00:08:44,436 --> 00:08:47,136
We got two, four, eighteen...
202
00:08:47,178 --> 00:08:48,528
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
203
00:08:49,441 --> 00:08:51,231
We got all different sizes.
204
00:08:51,269 --> 00:08:53,969
We got some watermelon
right there.
205
00:08:54,011 --> 00:08:55,541
Some cantaloupe right here.
206
00:08:55,578 --> 00:08:58,148
Aw, we got some
kiwi fruit right here.
207
00:08:58,189 --> 00:08:59,409
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
208
00:09:01,758 --> 00:09:04,328
But breasts are in the house!
209
00:09:04,369 --> 00:09:05,549
[LAUGHS]
210
00:09:07,111 --> 00:09:11,511
I'm tellin' you,
we as a race of people,
211
00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:16,211
have got to stop
all this drive-thru fuckin'.
212
00:09:16,251 --> 00:09:20,171
'Cause we havin' too many
drive-thru kids.
213
00:09:20,211 --> 00:09:22,871
And some of us in here
should have the same sign
214
00:09:22,910 --> 00:09:24,350
that McDonald's has,
215
00:09:24,389 --> 00:09:26,219
"Millions and billions
served."
216
00:09:26,261 --> 00:09:27,831
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
217
00:09:27,871 --> 00:09:29,791
I'm tellin' you. 'Cause
look at the kids out here.
218
00:09:29,830 --> 00:09:31,480
Look at them...
Your headlines read,
219
00:09:31,527 --> 00:09:33,397
"Kid shot his mom
in the face."
220
00:09:33,442 --> 00:09:34,972
"Kid shot daddy in the ass."
221
00:09:35,009 --> 00:09:37,359
"Kid whooped mama's ass."
"Kid killed daddy."
222
00:09:37,402 --> 00:09:39,012
Round of applause,
223
00:09:39,056 --> 00:09:40,876
parents in the house who have
control of they kids.
224
00:09:40,928 --> 00:09:42,408
Let me hear you clap.
225
00:09:42,451 --> 00:09:43,711
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
226
00:09:44,671 --> 00:09:46,241
Aw, see?
227
00:09:46,281 --> 00:09:48,331
See, y'all just clappin'
'cause they ain't here.
228
00:09:50,502 --> 00:09:52,942
You know when you get home
they gon' meet your ass
229
00:09:52,983 --> 00:09:54,723
at the door in their diapers.
230
00:09:54,768 --> 00:09:57,548
Boo-Boo, Mooky,
Scony and Tre Dog.
231
00:09:57,597 --> 00:09:59,597
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
232
00:09:59,642 --> 00:10:04,522
"Yeah, I heard you was
down on Def Comedy Jam, talkin' shit.
233
00:10:04,560 --> 00:10:07,430
"Don't have me bust a cap
in your ass.
234
00:10:07,476 --> 00:10:09,826
"Get in here and change our
diapers, biatch!"
235
00:10:10,522 --> 00:10:12,132
West Side!
236
00:10:12,176 --> 00:10:13,786
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
237
00:10:15,919 --> 00:10:18,659
What is up?
My mama put me out the house.
238
00:10:18,705 --> 00:10:20,615
I looked at my mama
when I was 14.
239
00:10:20,663 --> 00:10:23,413
I was 5'8", 150 pounds.
My mom was 5'1".
240
00:10:23,448 --> 00:10:26,318
I looked at her and I said,
"I think I can take her."
241
00:10:26,364 --> 00:10:28,934
What a big mistake.
She said, "Oh, you grown?
242
00:10:28,976 --> 00:10:30,976
"You get your shit
and get the hell out my house.
243
00:10:31,021 --> 00:10:32,721
"Get the hell
outta my house!"
244
00:10:32,762 --> 00:10:35,292
Put me out the house
in Chicago in the winter
245
00:10:35,330 --> 00:10:39,070
at 70 below,
wind chill factor.
246
00:10:39,116 --> 00:10:41,116
I'm walkin' out the door,
I put my coat on.
247
00:10:41,162 --> 00:10:43,252
She walked to the door
with me, snatched the coat.
248
00:10:43,294 --> 00:10:46,124
"I bought that!
Get the fuck outta here!"
249
00:10:46,167 --> 00:10:47,907
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND APPLAUDING]
250
00:10:50,171 --> 00:10:53,351
I ain't no parent yet
but wait till I get some kids.
251
00:10:53,391 --> 00:10:55,571
I'm tellin' you.
And it starts when they two years old.
252
00:10:55,611 --> 00:10:56,961
You don't get 'em in check
when they two,
253
00:10:57,004 --> 00:10:59,574
they gonna shoot you at 14.
254
00:10:59,615 --> 00:11:01,655
You tell 'em,
"Get your ass off that table,"
255
00:11:01,704 --> 00:11:03,184
and he raise his hand.
256
00:11:04,272 --> 00:11:06,012
Let that happen to me.
257
00:11:06,056 --> 00:11:07,966
"Hey, hey, little Evan, get
your ass down off that table."
258
00:11:08,015 --> 00:11:11,755
He turn around.
"Ah! Oh, you grown?
259
00:11:11,801 --> 00:11:14,631
"Get your shit, them baby bags
and them rattles and Pampers.
260
00:11:14,674 --> 00:11:16,114
"Get the fuck outta' here!
261
00:11:17,851 --> 00:11:20,031
"Gimme that diaper,
I bought that.
262
00:11:21,506 --> 00:11:23,026
"You grown."
263
00:11:23,073 --> 00:11:24,473
I'm tellin' you,
you never know
264
00:11:24,509 --> 00:11:26,599
who your kids
will grow up to be.
265
00:11:26,642 --> 00:11:28,822
Your kid could be
the next Martin Luther King,
266
00:11:28,862 --> 00:11:31,172
the next Malcolm X,
the next Louis Farrakhan,
267
00:11:31,212 --> 00:11:33,692
the next Jesse Jackson.
268
00:11:33,736 --> 00:11:36,476
And I was thinkin'
what would it be like
269
00:11:36,521 --> 00:11:39,741
if Jesse Jackson,
Louis Farrakhan, Malcolm X
270
00:11:39,786 --> 00:11:42,176
were all in the same,
same classroom
271
00:11:42,223 --> 00:11:43,963
'cause they all the same age.
272
00:11:44,007 --> 00:11:46,047
Martin Luther King, they all
sittin' in the same classroom.
273
00:11:46,096 --> 00:11:48,486
White teacher walk in,
he don't know he in the classroom
274
00:11:48,533 --> 00:11:50,363
with a bunch of geniuses.
275
00:11:50,405 --> 00:11:52,315
So he walk in, "All right!
276
00:11:52,363 --> 00:11:55,243
"Quiet down. Quiet down,
you little nigglets. Quiet down."
277
00:11:55,279 --> 00:11:56,889
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
278
00:11:56,933 --> 00:11:59,023
"Get off the desk.
Hey! You guys, stop hitting on Martin.
279
00:11:59,066 --> 00:12:00,366
"Stop hitting on Martin.
280
00:12:00,415 --> 00:12:02,715
"Martin, you oughta
hit back sometimes, pal.
281
00:12:02,765 --> 00:12:05,855
"You just oughta hit back.
282
00:12:05,899 --> 00:12:09,029
"Today, kids, your lesson
will be to spell a word
283
00:12:09,076 --> 00:12:10,726
"and use it in a sentence.
284
00:12:10,773 --> 00:12:12,993
"Spell a word and use it
in a sentence. You up front.
285
00:12:13,036 --> 00:12:15,816
"Malcolm, big red, stand up.
286
00:12:15,865 --> 00:12:18,775
"Your word for today
will be 'poor.'
287
00:12:18,825 --> 00:12:22,045
"Spell it and use it in a
sentence." Malcolm walk up.
288
00:12:22,089 --> 00:12:26,439
"Poor. P-O-O-R.
'Poor.' Sentence.
289
00:12:26,484 --> 00:12:28,274
"When you live
in a poor neighborhood,
290
00:12:28,312 --> 00:12:30,012
"you're living in an area
where you have to have
291
00:12:30,053 --> 00:12:32,013
"poor schools. And when
you have poor schools,
292
00:12:32,055 --> 00:12:33,355
"you have poor teachers.
293
00:12:33,404 --> 00:12:34,454
"And when you have
poor teachers
294
00:12:34,492 --> 00:12:35,892
"you get a poor education.
295
00:12:35,929 --> 00:12:39,409
"With that poor education..."
"Sit down!
296
00:12:39,454 --> 00:12:42,284
"Jesus H Christ. I didn't ask
for a dissertation.
297
00:12:42,326 --> 00:12:43,406
"Spell your word.
298
00:12:43,458 --> 00:12:45,238
"You, Mr. Jackson, Jesse.
299
00:12:45,286 --> 00:12:48,196
"Always talking
about rainbows.
300
00:12:48,245 --> 00:12:51,285
"Your word for today
will be 'welfare.'"
301
00:12:51,335 --> 00:12:53,285
Jesse get up. "Welfare.
302
00:12:54,164 --> 00:12:55,434
"Welfare.
303
00:12:55,470 --> 00:13:01,560
"W-E-L-F-A-R-E.
'Welfare.' Sentence.
304
00:13:01,606 --> 00:13:04,826
"We don't want welfare,
we want our share.
305
00:13:04,871 --> 00:13:06,311
"Our time has come."
306
00:13:06,350 --> 00:13:08,400
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
307
00:13:08,439 --> 00:13:10,309
"We don't want..."
"Sit down!
308
00:13:11,747 --> 00:13:14,177
"Jesus H Christ,
you, Martin Luther,
309
00:13:14,228 --> 00:13:15,838
"you never wanna
hit anybody back,
310
00:13:15,882 --> 00:13:17,932
"your word will be
'difficulties.'"
311
00:13:17,971 --> 00:13:21,061
Martin stand up.
"Difficulties.
312
00:13:21,104 --> 00:13:22,894
"Difficulties.
313
00:13:22,932 --> 00:13:28,722
"D-I-F-F-I-C-U-L-T-I-E-S.
314
00:13:28,764 --> 00:13:31,294
"'Difficulties.' Sentence.
315
00:13:31,332 --> 00:13:35,082
"So even though
we face the difficulties
316
00:13:35,118 --> 00:13:39,688
"of today and tomorrow..."
"Sit down!
317
00:13:39,731 --> 00:13:41,651
"Jesus H Christ, you nigglets.
318
00:13:41,690 --> 00:13:43,650
"Aw, we haven't forgotten
about you in the back,
319
00:13:43,692 --> 00:13:45,742
"little Louis.
320
00:13:45,781 --> 00:13:47,831
"Mr. Troublemaker,
little Louis.
321
00:13:47,870 --> 00:13:50,090
"Oh, we know about
your little meetings at the lockers
322
00:13:50,133 --> 00:13:52,483
"with the bean pies
and the bow ties."
323
00:13:52,527 --> 00:13:54,397
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
324
00:13:54,442 --> 00:13:57,182
"We know all about you,
troublemaker.
325
00:13:57,227 --> 00:13:58,657
"Hey, you guys
with the bow ties, sit down,
326
00:13:58,707 --> 00:14:00,877
"we're watching you.
Any problems out of you,
327
00:14:00,927 --> 00:14:02,927
"you're going straight
to the principal's office.
328
00:14:02,972 --> 00:14:06,372
"Your word for today, Louis,
will be 'atone.'
329
00:14:07,847 --> 00:14:09,237
"Spell it and use it
in a sentence
330
00:14:09,283 --> 00:14:10,503
"or you'll go
to the principal's office."
331
00:14:10,545 --> 00:14:11,805
Louis walk up.
332
00:14:15,376 --> 00:14:18,636
"I greet you, my beloved
brothers and sisters."
333
00:14:18,683 --> 00:14:20,163
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
334
00:14:20,207 --> 00:14:22,637
"In the greeting..."
"Get on with it, mister!"
335
00:14:28,389 --> 00:14:29,999
"Atone.
336
00:14:30,043 --> 00:14:34,053
"A-T-O-N-E. 'Atone.'
337
00:14:34,090 --> 00:14:35,700
"Sentence.
338
00:14:35,744 --> 00:14:39,844
"When you atone, brother,
you got to a-tone.
339
00:14:39,879 --> 00:14:44,229
"You got to get with the
a-train, brother, to atone.
340
00:14:44,274 --> 00:14:45,714
"You don't like me.
341
00:14:45,754 --> 00:14:48,024
"You don't want my people
to listen to me
342
00:14:48,061 --> 00:14:50,721
"because you know
if they start listenin' to me,
343
00:14:50,759 --> 00:14:52,199
"they'll stop
listenin' to you.
344
00:14:52,239 --> 00:14:54,939
"This teacher hates me."
345
00:14:54,981 --> 00:14:56,331
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND APPLAUDING]
346
00:14:57,940 --> 00:15:01,030
"Go the principal's
office, mister!"
347
00:15:01,074 --> 00:15:04,164
"But if you try to harm me
348
00:15:04,207 --> 00:15:08,597
"while I carry out my duty,
I will destroy you.
349
00:15:08,646 --> 00:15:10,206
"Stand up, Martin, Malcolm!
350
00:15:10,257 --> 00:15:13,167
"Get 'em. Let's have
a march up in here."
351
00:15:13,216 --> 00:15:14,776
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
352
00:15:14,826 --> 00:15:18,086
It's all about one love.
Evan Lionel, God bless.
353
00:15:18,134 --> 00:15:19,884
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
354
00:15:25,402 --> 00:15:28,012
Y'all give it up
for Evan Lionel, please.
355
00:15:28,057 --> 00:15:30,187
Yeah!
356
00:15:30,233 --> 00:15:33,933
And my partner in crime came
out here to give me some love.
357
00:15:33,976 --> 00:15:36,756
Can y'all say hello to
my partner, Dr. Dre, please.
358
00:15:36,805 --> 00:15:38,145
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
359
00:15:42,463 --> 00:15:43,863
Go ahead, playa.
360
00:15:43,899 --> 00:15:46,119
That's my man
right there.
361
00:15:46,162 --> 00:15:48,602
That shit took a lot of energy
for Dre to come out here.
362
00:15:48,643 --> 00:15:50,383
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
363
00:15:50,427 --> 00:15:53,207
Bringin' the next comedian
to the stage from my hometown,
364
00:15:53,256 --> 00:15:54,776
where I live at, New Jersey,
365
00:15:54,823 --> 00:15:56,613
second appearance
on Def Comedy Jam.
366
00:15:56,651 --> 00:15:59,091
Give it up for Aries.
367
00:15:59,132 --> 00:16:01,402
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
368
00:16:01,438 --> 00:16:02,868
[MUSIC PLAYING]
369
00:16:10,143 --> 00:16:12,973
I ain't hit the stage yet,
keep clappin'. Wassup?
370
00:16:13,015 --> 00:16:14,495
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
371
00:16:16,062 --> 00:16:19,282
How y'all feelin'?
L.A., what's happenin'?
372
00:16:19,326 --> 00:16:21,276
Man, ay yo. First of all,
before I even get started,
373
00:16:21,328 --> 00:16:22,808
I'mma let y'all know,
ain't nothin' changed,
374
00:16:22,851 --> 00:16:24,901
so I gotta do this
right quick, bear with me.
375
00:16:24,940 --> 00:16:26,990
I dedicate this show
to my mama. Mama, I love you.
376
00:16:27,029 --> 00:16:30,289
This for you.
But now let's do this. Know what I'm sayin'?
377
00:16:30,337 --> 00:16:32,427
Yo, all the ladies
in the house, man, I gotta...
378
00:16:32,469 --> 00:16:33,949
I gotta give the ladies
a round of applause
379
00:16:33,993 --> 00:16:36,173
'cause you know,
y'all look so good.
380
00:16:36,212 --> 00:16:38,822
And you make brothers
wanna hold you
381
00:16:38,867 --> 00:16:40,477
and make love to you
and stuff.
382
00:16:40,521 --> 00:16:42,311
But that's where I gotta
take my hat off to you,
383
00:16:42,349 --> 00:16:45,049
'cause ladies, the orgasm,
384
00:16:45,091 --> 00:16:47,311
y'all control that
motherfucker.
385
00:16:47,354 --> 00:16:49,104
I mean,
and don't get me wrong.
386
00:16:49,138 --> 00:16:50,748
I know when y'all makin' love
when y'all get that orgasm,
387
00:16:50,792 --> 00:16:53,012
he can have you reachin'
for shit that ain't there.
388
00:16:53,055 --> 00:16:54,705
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
389
00:16:54,752 --> 00:16:56,932
But I know if you wanna
trick a motherfucker, you can.
390
00:16:56,972 --> 00:16:58,932
A woman can come and don't
even let you know you came
391
00:16:58,974 --> 00:17:01,324
and you won't even know it.
She be... [PANTING]
392
00:17:01,368 --> 00:17:03,888
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
393
00:17:03,935 --> 00:17:06,805
"Girl, did you come?"
"Mmm-mmm, hmm."
394
00:17:06,851 --> 00:17:09,421
Ain't no such thing
as a cool come for a man.
395
00:17:09,463 --> 00:17:11,163
One nigga did it, he died.
396
00:17:11,204 --> 00:17:12,604
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
397
00:17:12,640 --> 00:17:13,770
You can't do it.
398
00:17:13,815 --> 00:17:15,725
You might be cool
before and during,
399
00:17:15,773 --> 00:17:18,173
but when you hit that nut,
you go from Denzel Washington
400
00:17:18,211 --> 00:17:20,081
to the Bobcat Goldthwait from
Police Academy
401
00:17:20,126 --> 00:17:22,036
like a motherfucker.
You be there,
402
00:17:22,084 --> 00:17:24,394
"Girl, I know you like it.
I know it's good."
403
00:17:24,434 --> 00:17:26,184
[GROANS AND EXCLAIMS]
404
00:17:26,219 --> 00:17:28,569
"I... I didn't mean
to come, but... Um...
405
00:17:28,612 --> 00:17:30,572
"I..." [GROANS]
406
00:17:30,614 --> 00:17:33,704
"It was so good,
it went in, um...
407
00:17:33,748 --> 00:17:36,748
"I just came,
just a little bit, um..."
408
00:17:36,794 --> 00:17:38,454
You... You can't do it.
409
00:17:40,581 --> 00:17:41,931
[MOCK GROANS]
410
00:17:41,973 --> 00:17:43,373
It ain't possible.
411
00:17:43,410 --> 00:17:44,890
And, you know,
this bein' Hollywood,
412
00:17:44,933 --> 00:17:46,203
you gotta be careful
'cause, you know,
413
00:17:46,239 --> 00:17:48,459
homosexuality runs tough
out here, you know.
414
00:17:48,502 --> 00:17:49,812
There's people in Hollywood
415
00:17:49,851 --> 00:17:51,901
that we don't even think
is gay, they be gay.
416
00:17:51,940 --> 00:17:53,200
Like these wrestlers.
417
00:17:53,246 --> 00:17:56,336
You know, WWF, WCW.
Think about it!
418
00:17:56,379 --> 00:17:59,989
They all buffed up, oiled up,
little drawers and shit.
419
00:18:00,035 --> 00:18:01,725
They probably be
the worst faggots.
420
00:18:01,776 --> 00:18:03,336
Bein' in the show and shit,
you see him.
421
00:18:03,386 --> 00:18:06,216
"This is me, Gene Okerlund
signin' off for WWF."
422
00:18:06,259 --> 00:18:08,609
Camera and shit go off.
Hulk Hogan fuckin' Macho Man.
423
00:18:08,652 --> 00:18:10,132
"You know, brother,
I wanna tell you,
424
00:18:10,176 --> 00:18:11,786
"this is the best ass
I ever had, Macho Man.
425
00:18:11,829 --> 00:18:13,699
"What are you gonna do
when a 24-inch python
426
00:18:13,744 --> 00:18:15,494
"comes into you, brother.
427
00:18:15,529 --> 00:18:17,529
"You better say your prayers,
eat your vitamins, brother."
428
00:18:17,574 --> 00:18:20,804
"Oh, you know,
oh, you know..." [GROANS]
429
00:18:20,838 --> 00:18:23,708
"This the best
booty, yeah!
430
00:18:23,754 --> 00:18:26,154
"Give it to me, baby."
431
00:18:26,192 --> 00:18:27,452
They're faggots.
432
00:18:28,150 --> 00:18:30,110
[CHUCKLING]
433
00:18:32,328 --> 00:18:35,198
And you know... You know with
all the technology and shit,
434
00:18:35,244 --> 00:18:36,774
everybody gonna be fuckin'.
435
00:18:36,811 --> 00:18:38,941
They just had RoboCop 3out.
436
00:18:38,987 --> 00:18:40,947
I'm thinkin' by the time
they get to RoboCop 7,
437
00:18:40,989 --> 00:18:42,469
he gonna be fuckin'.
438
00:18:42,512 --> 00:18:44,472
Picture RoboCop fuckin'.
That would hurt.
439
00:18:44,514 --> 00:18:46,084
RoboCop come out.
440
00:18:50,825 --> 00:18:52,435
[IMITATES ROBOCOP]
441
00:19:15,023 --> 00:19:17,553
[IMITATES MECHANICAL WHIRRING]
442
00:19:24,815 --> 00:19:27,115
[IN ROBOTIC VOICE] Thank you
for your cooperation.
443
00:19:27,166 --> 00:19:29,556
[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]
444
00:19:29,603 --> 00:19:32,693
Wassup, L.A.?
Make some motherfuckin' noise!
445
00:19:32,736 --> 00:19:34,516
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
446
00:19:38,177 --> 00:19:39,477
Yo.
447
00:19:39,526 --> 00:19:41,566
Lemme jump on this
real quick. Yo.
448
00:19:41,615 --> 00:19:44,485
Bein' out in California,
I love it and everything.
449
00:19:44,531 --> 00:19:47,061
I got caught up in the
O. J. Simpson shit, too.
450
00:19:47,098 --> 00:19:49,228
You know.
But I'ma tell you somethin'.
451
00:19:49,275 --> 00:19:51,185
I didn't even
watch the case for O.J.
452
00:19:51,233 --> 00:19:53,023
I could give
a fuck about O.J.
453
00:19:53,061 --> 00:19:54,851
I watched it
for Johnnie Cochran.
454
00:19:56,543 --> 00:19:59,723
He had me gettin'
popcorn and Pepsi.
455
00:19:59,763 --> 00:20:02,683
I thought he was tryin' for
a Oscar. Y'all saw the case.
456
00:20:02,723 --> 00:20:04,553
"This is preposterous.
457
00:20:04,594 --> 00:20:06,684
"O. J. Simpson."
458
00:20:06,727 --> 00:20:08,687
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
459
00:20:08,729 --> 00:20:11,949
"Accuse this man of murder.
This is preposterous.
460
00:20:11,993 --> 00:20:13,523
"You look over there.
You know that man.
461
00:20:13,560 --> 00:20:14,600
"I know that man.
We know that man.
462
00:20:14,648 --> 00:20:16,688
"That's O. J. Simpson!"
463
00:20:16,737 --> 00:20:17,737
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
464
00:20:18,826 --> 00:20:20,866
"This is preposterous.
465
00:20:20,915 --> 00:20:22,345
"Let's talk about this case.
466
00:20:22,395 --> 00:20:24,345
"You saw this case, we know
what this case is about.
467
00:20:24,397 --> 00:20:27,877
"O. J. Simpson
has a rather large head.
468
00:20:27,922 --> 00:20:31,672
"He puts his hat on, who is
he? He's still O. J. Simpson."
469
00:20:31,708 --> 00:20:33,058
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
470
00:20:33,101 --> 00:20:34,491
"If I put this hat on,
who am I?
471
00:20:34,537 --> 00:20:36,407
"I'm still Johnnie Cochran.
472
00:20:38,193 --> 00:20:39,853
"Detective Vannatter.
473
00:20:39,890 --> 00:20:42,630
"Detective Mark Fuhrman
474
00:20:42,676 --> 00:20:45,196
"said that word. You know
that word. I know that word. Said it 41 times.
475
00:20:45,244 --> 00:20:47,724
"That was preposterous.
476
00:20:47,768 --> 00:20:50,598
"The blood, the timeline,
something's wrong.
477
00:20:50,640 --> 00:20:52,560
"If it doesn't fit,
you must acquit."
478
00:20:52,599 --> 00:20:54,339
That's why Snoop got off.
Johnnie Cochran.
479
00:20:54,383 --> 00:20:56,563
"This is preposterous!
480
00:20:56,603 --> 00:20:58,743
"Rapper Snoop Doggy Dogg."
481
00:20:58,779 --> 00:21:01,219
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
482
00:21:01,260 --> 00:21:02,960
"You look over there.
You know that man.
483
00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:04,260
"I know that man.
That's Snoop Doggy..." [BARKS]
484
00:21:04,306 --> 00:21:05,386
"Dogg!"
485
00:21:05,438 --> 00:21:06,438
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
486
00:21:09,311 --> 00:21:10,831
"Sure, he talks about murder,
487
00:21:10,878 --> 00:21:12,308
"but talking about it and
committing it
488
00:21:12,358 --> 00:21:14,058
"is two different things.
And what do I say?
489
00:21:14,098 --> 00:21:15,578
"If he didn't have the gun
he wasn't the one."
490
00:21:15,622 --> 00:21:17,232
Case dismissed.
491
00:21:17,276 --> 00:21:18,666
You know,
they interviewed Snoop.
492
00:21:18,712 --> 00:21:20,282
"So Snoop, how'd you feel
about the case?"
493
00:21:20,322 --> 00:21:21,932
"Well, you know,
them niggas trying to help me
494
00:21:21,976 --> 00:21:23,236
"but the niggas can't help me,
know what I'm sayin'?
495
00:21:23,282 --> 00:21:25,332
"That's why I got out his ass,
496
00:21:25,371 --> 00:21:27,721
"'cause I had Johnnie Cochran
and a motherfuckin' drizza, biatch."
497
00:21:29,070 --> 00:21:30,810
[CHUCKLING][AUDIENCE CHEERING]
498
00:21:33,988 --> 00:21:35,688
But you know what tripped
me out the most, though?
499
00:21:35,729 --> 00:21:37,859
Is when they said
they needed some jurors,
500
00:21:37,905 --> 00:21:39,775
they couldn't find no jurors
for the O.J. case.
501
00:21:39,820 --> 00:21:41,340
I'm sayin',
yo they got that sayin',
502
00:21:41,387 --> 00:21:42,777
"You will be judged
by a jury of your peers."
503
00:21:42,823 --> 00:21:44,433
"Jury of your peers" shit.
504
00:21:44,477 --> 00:21:45,957
O.J. was a celebrity.
505
00:21:46,000 --> 00:21:47,740
They should let
other celebrities judge him.
506
00:21:47,784 --> 00:21:48,874
Wouldn't that
have been somethin'?
507
00:21:48,916 --> 00:21:51,136
If the jurors was like
Bill Cosby,
508
00:21:51,179 --> 00:21:52,789
Eddie Murphy,
509
00:21:52,833 --> 00:21:54,623
LL Cool J...
510
00:21:54,661 --> 00:21:57,451
And Eddie Murphy's family
from Nutty Professor.
511
00:21:57,490 --> 00:21:59,670
Could you see that bill bein'
in the room, talkin' bout...
512
00:21:59,709 --> 00:22:03,229
[IMITATES BILL COSBY]
"Now I believe O.J. did what people say he did.
513
00:22:04,497 --> 00:22:06,667
"And here's my theory,
you see.
514
00:22:06,716 --> 00:22:09,976
"O.J. was playin' football...
He was layin' with his boys, the balls...
515
00:22:10,024 --> 00:22:11,334
"The ball go deep."
516
00:22:11,373 --> 00:22:12,463
[IMITATES GROAN]
517
00:22:12,505 --> 00:22:13,895
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
518
00:22:13,941 --> 00:22:16,471
"And O.J. got hot
519
00:22:16,509 --> 00:22:18,989
"and went into the kitchen
520
00:22:19,033 --> 00:22:21,823
"to cool off and that's when
he saw Nicole and the boy
521
00:22:21,862 --> 00:22:23,042
"eat the last pudding pop.
522
00:22:23,080 --> 00:22:26,950
"So he waited in the bushes
523
00:22:26,997 --> 00:22:29,347
"and when he came on, that's
when he leaped out and said,
524
00:22:29,391 --> 00:22:30,831
"'Bitch, I know you ate
the last pudding pop,'
525
00:22:30,871 --> 00:22:32,661
"and killed her!"
526
00:22:32,699 --> 00:22:35,219
You see, "Eddie Murphy, do you
think O.J. killed the people?"
527
00:22:35,266 --> 00:22:36,746
"I'mma tell...
You know, I'mma tell... I'mma tell...
528
00:22:36,790 --> 00:22:38,270
"O.J. killed the bitch
and let me tell you why.
529
00:22:38,313 --> 00:22:39,973
"No, hold on..."
[STAMMERING]
530
00:22:40,010 --> 00:22:41,580
"Listen. O.J. killed the
bitch. How the fuck... Fuck...
531
00:22:41,621 --> 00:22:43,751
"How the fuck bitch go
fuckin' around, O.J. shit,
532
00:22:43,797 --> 00:22:45,187
"to go through money
and through credit card
533
00:22:45,233 --> 00:22:46,973
"and behind his shit
fuckin' around.
534
00:22:47,017 --> 00:22:49,667
"O.J. shit!
Takin' O.J. money and shit.
535
00:22:49,716 --> 00:22:52,236
"No, wait a minute.
No, wait a minute. Hold up.
536
00:22:52,283 --> 00:22:53,813
"How the fuck
you gonna be my bitch
537
00:22:53,850 --> 00:22:55,370
"and you in the Bahamas
fuckin' somebody?
538
00:22:55,417 --> 00:22:57,417
"And you got suntan
bitty titty like, 'Pow!'
539
00:22:57,463 --> 00:22:59,383
"That was like, 'Pow!'
And you..." [MAKES KISSING SOUNDS]
540
00:22:59,421 --> 00:23:00,601
"Kissin' my ass."
541
00:23:00,640 --> 00:23:01,640
[LAUGHS]
542
00:23:04,078 --> 00:23:05,818
"Hey, yo, LL,
you think he killed her?"
543
00:23:05,862 --> 00:23:08,822
"I'mma say, no doubt... Rolled
up, rolled zombie, no doubt.
544
00:23:08,865 --> 00:23:10,735
"If I was with her, there'd
have been no need to kill her
545
00:23:10,780 --> 00:23:12,430
"'cause I woulda been
rubbin' her down
546
00:23:12,478 --> 00:23:14,828
"with chocolate over her body,
be word up, no doubt.
547
00:23:14,871 --> 00:23:16,131
"Ay, yo, Eddie,
ask your father
548
00:23:16,177 --> 00:23:17,087
"you think he killed her?"
"I'mma tell you
549
00:23:17,134 --> 00:23:18,614
"O.J. killed the bitch
550
00:23:18,658 --> 00:23:20,048
"'cause he didn't have
a clean, healthy colon.
551
00:23:20,094 --> 00:23:21,884
"If he ain't got no clean
healthy colon,
552
00:23:21,922 --> 00:23:23,712
"then all that shit backed up.
He gonna go kill that mother.
553
00:23:23,750 --> 00:23:24,880
"Ain't that right?"
"O.J. shoulda had a black women.
554
00:23:24,925 --> 00:23:26,005
"Give it up for black women.
555
00:23:26,056 --> 00:23:27,406
"O.J. woulda had
a black woman,
556
00:23:27,449 --> 00:23:28,759
"there'd have been
no need to kill her.
557
00:23:28,798 --> 00:23:30,498
"Give it up.
Black women, black women!
558
00:23:30,539 --> 00:23:32,239
"Ain't that...
Mama, ain't that right?"
559
00:23:32,280 --> 00:23:35,460
"O.J. wasn't ever laid
and if he wasn't ever laid
560
00:23:35,501 --> 00:23:36,981
"he wouldn't have killed her
561
00:23:37,024 --> 00:23:38,424
"'cause he'd have
had her along."
562
00:23:38,460 --> 00:23:40,380
I'm out this mothafucka.
563
00:23:40,419 --> 00:23:42,859
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
564
00:23:42,899 --> 00:23:45,249
Yo, this here's
a shout out to my boy,
565
00:23:45,293 --> 00:23:46,953
Harvey, from my shore.
566
00:23:46,990 --> 00:23:48,430
Represent, baby!
567
00:23:48,470 --> 00:23:49,430
[MUSIC PLAYING]
568
00:23:52,779 --> 00:23:54,429
Yeah!
569
00:23:54,476 --> 00:23:56,776
Give it up for Aries
once again, y'all.
570
00:23:57,958 --> 00:23:59,258
Yes!
571
00:23:59,307 --> 00:24:00,997
I hope y'all
had a really good time.
572
00:24:01,048 --> 00:24:03,698
My name is Ed Lover
and now it's time to bring
573
00:24:03,746 --> 00:24:06,006
the man from my hometown,
Hollis, Queens,
574
00:24:06,053 --> 00:24:08,013
that gave me the chance
to do this for y'all tonight.
575
00:24:08,055 --> 00:24:11,275
Y'all put your hands together
for Mr. Russell Simmons.
576
00:24:11,319 --> 00:24:13,099
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
577
00:24:13,147 --> 00:24:15,577
Thank you for coming out.
God bless you. Good night.
578
00:24:15,628 --> 00:24:16,978
[MUSIC PLAYING]
579
00:24:17,020 --> 00:24:18,460
[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]
580
00:24:18,510 --> 00:24:23,060
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