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00:00:06,267 --> 00:00:09,397
KID CAPRI: It's the
Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam.
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00:00:09,444 --> 00:00:11,494
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
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00:00:11,533 --> 00:00:14,323
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
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00:00:14,362 --> 00:00:19,322
I am your man, the world's
greatest DJ, the Kid Capri.
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00:00:19,367 --> 00:00:21,237
With your host...
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00:00:23,849 --> 00:00:25,499
Tonight's guest...
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Please welcome to
the stage my main man, Mr. Michael Colyar!
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[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
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00:01:00,103 --> 00:01:01,893
Fuck it, Kid.
I got my standing ovation.
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00:01:01,931 --> 00:01:03,191
Good night.
That was beautiful.
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00:01:03,237 --> 00:01:04,757
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
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00:01:04,803 --> 00:01:06,073
How y'all doin'?
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00:01:06,109 --> 00:01:07,549
[AUDIENCE CHEERS]
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00:01:07,589 --> 00:01:10,069
Oh, what a crowd.
I am so happy to be here.
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00:01:10,113 --> 00:01:12,863
Def Jam, again.
Give it up for Def Jam,yo.
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Since we do
profanity at the show
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00:01:17,251 --> 00:01:19,471
I'mma hit you right now...
18
00:01:19,514 --> 00:01:20,524
[SIGHS]
19
00:01:21,777 --> 00:01:24,297
...with the dirtiest joke
20
00:01:24,345 --> 00:01:25,515
I ever told in my life.
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Filthy!
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Nasty, dirty and low down.
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00:01:31,482 --> 00:01:32,662
[SHRIEKS]
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00:01:32,701 --> 00:01:34,141
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
25
00:01:36,052 --> 00:01:39,142
But what's magical
about this joke, people
26
00:01:40,448 --> 00:01:43,228
there is no profanity in it.
27
00:01:43,277 --> 00:01:44,577
Can you imagine this?
28
00:01:44,626 --> 00:01:48,106
Filthy, nasty, dirty,
low-down joke.
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00:01:48,151 --> 00:01:49,461
No profanity.
30
00:01:50,632 --> 00:01:52,462
Now originally...
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Originally,
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this was a pussy joke.
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Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
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00:01:58,596 --> 00:02:01,156
But see, I don't do
pussy jokes.
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00:02:01,208 --> 00:02:02,988
I think the word "pussy"
offends women
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00:02:03,035 --> 00:02:04,595
on every level
of our society.
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00:02:04,646 --> 00:02:06,256
Hell, you say "pussy"
three times in a row.
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00:02:06,300 --> 00:02:08,690
"Pussy, pussy, pussy."
That shit ain't funny no more.
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00:02:08,737 --> 00:02:09,737
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
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00:02:14,656 --> 00:02:17,216
Now, "cootchie"?
"Cootchie" funnier than a motherfucker.
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00:02:17,267 --> 00:02:20,307
Yeah, 'cause see,
with "cootchie"...
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00:02:20,357 --> 00:02:23,877
With "cootchie," you get
to say the same damn thing
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without bein' all nasty.
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00:02:25,449 --> 00:02:27,319
Thus...
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The cootchie joke.
Now peoples...
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00:02:30,193 --> 00:02:32,063
This is an old joke.
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You know I do old jokes
'cause I don't think the old jokes have died
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just cause the motherfucker
that wrote it did.
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So...
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00:02:38,027 --> 00:02:39,677
So this joke about...
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00:02:39,724 --> 00:02:41,384
The motherfucker old.
He done died, he can't use the joke.
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00:02:41,422 --> 00:02:43,732
Keep the
motherfuckin' joke alive.
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00:02:43,772 --> 00:02:45,082
This one's
a little different.
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00:02:45,121 --> 00:02:46,471
This joke is 57
years old.
55
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The man that wrote
this joke ain't dead.
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00:02:48,733 --> 00:02:50,953
But he's in a
motherfuckin' coma.
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00:02:50,996 --> 00:02:52,646
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
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00:02:52,694 --> 00:02:54,784
You can use it
till he wake up. Now 'member...
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00:02:54,826 --> 00:02:56,126
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
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00:02:56,176 --> 00:02:58,696
Remember, this is
the dirtiest joke
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I ever told.
Wassup bro?
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00:03:00,528 --> 00:03:02,138
The sunglasses,
how ya doin' bro?
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00:03:02,182 --> 00:03:03,752
You all right?
You okay?
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00:03:03,792 --> 00:03:06,192
Yeah, I'm glad
you all made it, man, shit.
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Y'all passed up
a drive-by
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to be at this motherfucker,
didn't ya?
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00:03:09,537 --> 00:03:10,757
Okay...
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Ooh, my ass.
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00:03:12,409 --> 00:03:14,889
Y'all saw Manny
walk out here with me.
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00:03:14,933 --> 00:03:17,113
He big as that motherfucker.
We'll do some shit if it's gonna be a problem, you know.
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I changed the show from
comedy so goddamned fast to tragedy. I'm sorry.
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What's your name, bro?
What's your name?
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00:03:22,811 --> 00:03:24,381
Got a sense of humor, Ray?[INAUDIBLE]
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Okay, 'cause I can take you.
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00:03:26,554 --> 00:03:30,124
I mean to lunch.
They got a buffet out front that's a motherfuck.
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You cool, baby.
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All right, now remember,
this is the dirtiest joke.
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It ain't go
no lower than this.
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You make it through this...
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Pardon me?
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Pardon...[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
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Don't be shoutin' shit out.
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Oh. I'm sorry.
I see who you are.
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I didn't recognize,
I'm sorry. We used to be in jail together.
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Wassup, bro?
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Wassup, baby?
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No, no, no, really we...
He was in my jail cell one night.
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He come over.
He said "Michael,
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"let me be frank with you."
And I said, "Fuck that.
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00:04:02,416 --> 00:04:05,636
"You was Frank last night.
I'm bein' Frank tonight."[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
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00:04:05,680 --> 00:04:07,680
You know what I'm sayin'.
Fuck that.
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00:04:07,725 --> 00:04:09,065
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
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00:04:09,118 --> 00:04:10,638
Nah, you gotta mix it up.
Okay, wait.
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00:04:11,425 --> 00:04:12,855
Cleanest joke?
95
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[SCOFFS]
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00:04:13,992 --> 00:04:15,302
No profanity.
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00:04:15,342 --> 00:04:19,392
Fifty-seven years old?
Help yourself.
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This man just got
a brand-new job
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00:04:21,913 --> 00:04:25,133
dressin' up dead bodies
at the funeral home,
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00:04:25,177 --> 00:04:27,267
gettin' 'em ready
for burial.
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00:04:27,310 --> 00:04:29,490
One day the funeral
director come in, "Bobby?
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"How's everything
goin' up about here?"
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And he's all, "Shit,
everything's all right.
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"Ooh! Except for that
one lady way in the back.
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"Yeah. She got
a big ol' shrimp
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"stuck in,
in the cootchie."
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
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00:04:44,719 --> 00:04:46,329
He says, "Excuse me?"
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So he says "Shrimp!
Big ol' shrimp stuck..."
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[EXCLAIMING]
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"Right in the 'ol cootch."
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He says,
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"I got to go check
this out," you know,
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so he walked over, he looked.
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He said, "You fool,
that ain't no shrimp.
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"That's a clitoris!"
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The guy said, "Clitoris?
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"Well, damn, it sure
taste like shrimp." I did it! I did it.
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND APPLAUDING]
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I love that fucking joke.
121
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Thanks.
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00:05:22,974 --> 00:05:24,374
[SIGHS]
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00:05:24,411 --> 00:05:26,241
Oh, we gonna have
some fun this evenin'.
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00:05:26,282 --> 00:05:29,152
But first, let's hear it
again for my man, Kid Capri!
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Bad motherfucker, boy.
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00:05:33,637 --> 00:05:36,467
This next brother's
incredibly funny and he's big.
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Big Daddy Fitz.
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00:05:37,859 --> 00:05:39,249
Bring him out here,
y'all. Come on.
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00:05:39,295 --> 00:05:41,515
[MUSIC PLAYING][AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
130
00:05:48,391 --> 00:05:50,311
What up?
What up, people? What up?
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L.A., make some noise!
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[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
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00:05:53,309 --> 00:05:55,399
Some noise.
134
00:05:55,442 --> 00:05:58,362
All right, I wanna talk
to y'all for a second.
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00:05:58,401 --> 00:06:00,271
Singers have
lost they mind
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00:06:00,316 --> 00:06:02,356
with these damn lyrics.
137
00:06:02,405 --> 00:06:04,755
Josie got a song out,
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00:06:04,799 --> 00:06:07,669
say, "I give you my money,
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00:06:07,715 --> 00:06:12,715
"house and my car
for a little time with you."
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00:06:12,763 --> 00:06:14,723
Y'all don't hear me.
Let me church say "Amen."
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00:06:14,765 --> 00:06:16,195
AUDIENCE: Amen.
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"I give you my money
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"a house and my car
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"for a little time with you.
145
00:06:23,731 --> 00:06:26,391
"I'm fiendin'."
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00:06:26,429 --> 00:06:28,949
"I'm fiendin'." All the ladies
in here that's lookin' for a man like that,
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00:06:28,997 --> 00:06:30,907
that'll give 'em
everything they want,
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clap your hands if that's
the kinda man you want, ladies.
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00:06:32,566 --> 00:06:33,996
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
150
00:06:34,045 --> 00:06:36,125
All y'all see
these ladies clappin'?
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00:06:36,178 --> 00:06:39,528
They all gonna be
the victim of domestic violence.
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00:06:39,573 --> 00:06:41,403
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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00:06:41,444 --> 00:06:43,274
Think about it.
A man that give you
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all his money, house
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and his car?
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00:06:45,970 --> 00:06:47,620
You think you gonna
leave his ass?
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00:06:47,668 --> 00:06:49,628
He will hunt you down.
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00:06:49,670 --> 00:06:52,060
You'll be at the club,
throwin' down and shit.
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00:06:52,107 --> 00:06:54,017
He'll be across the
street in the bushes.
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"Oh, I knew that
bitch was at the club."
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00:06:55,763 --> 00:06:57,113
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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00:06:59,723 --> 00:07:02,203
But ladies,
I say this to you ladies.
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00:07:02,247 --> 00:07:05,337
Ladies, y'all need to
quit goin' to the club, dancin' to these old
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00:07:05,381 --> 00:07:08,601
messed-up songs that's
downgradin' black women, makin' y'all look bad.
165
00:07:08,645 --> 00:07:09,725
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
166
00:07:09,777 --> 00:07:11,997
Amen.
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00:07:12,040 --> 00:07:14,780
First is, ladies, y'all ain't
got no business at the club,
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00:07:14,825 --> 00:07:18,125
dancin' to a,
"Beat that bitch with a bat."
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00:07:18,176 --> 00:07:19,866
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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00:07:19,917 --> 00:07:21,567
Even with a mention of that,
there be women at the club.
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00:07:21,615 --> 00:07:23,435
"Girl, that's my song."
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00:07:23,486 --> 00:07:24,436
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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00:07:26,489 --> 00:07:27,969
All right, before
I get out here, I wanna talk about
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somethin' very near
and dear to my heart.
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00:07:30,798 --> 00:07:33,668
Herb.
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00:07:33,714 --> 00:07:35,894
Herb. I ain't talkin'
'bout that bullshit. All right.
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00:07:35,933 --> 00:07:38,463
See nowadays y'all call
it "weed," "chronic..." No, I remember
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00:07:38,501 --> 00:07:40,291
back in the day
when it was "herb."
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00:07:40,329 --> 00:07:42,289
Herb was economical.
Remember you bought...
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00:07:42,331 --> 00:07:43,941
Right now, you buy
like a dime bag
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00:07:43,985 --> 00:07:46,505
you get like two, three,
little, skinny-ass joints.
182
00:07:46,553 --> 00:07:49,563
Remember back in the day,
you got a nickel bag of herb,
183
00:07:49,599 --> 00:07:52,819
five dollars, you got eight,
nine fat-ass joints.
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00:07:52,863 --> 00:07:54,393
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
185
00:07:54,430 --> 00:07:56,910
Oh, yeah, it came in a
little yellow envelope.
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00:07:56,954 --> 00:08:00,524
You know that little yellow
envelope that look like that tithing envelope from church?
187
00:08:00,567 --> 00:08:02,607
Oh, I know
what I'm talking about
188
00:08:02,656 --> 00:08:06,486
'cause one time,
I accidentally put my herb in the collection plate.
189
00:08:06,529 --> 00:08:08,839
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
190
00:08:08,879 --> 00:08:11,749
Oh, I'm chasin' down...
"Wait a minute, that's not for the Lord, that's mine."
191
00:08:11,795 --> 00:08:13,135
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
192
00:08:15,364 --> 00:08:18,324
You know my favorite thing
to do, though, when I was smokin' herb, yo...
193
00:08:19,194 --> 00:08:21,504
Watch cartoons.
194
00:08:21,544 --> 00:08:24,634
I can't do it now. You got
that bullshit Ninja Turtle, Power Ranger bullshit.
195
00:08:24,678 --> 00:08:28,248
I talkin' 'bout old school
cartoons like Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner.
196
00:08:28,290 --> 00:08:29,640
Ooh.
197
00:08:29,683 --> 00:08:31,823
I be watchin' that shit
goin', "Damn!"
198
00:08:32,424 --> 00:08:33,434
[SLURPS]
199
00:08:34,514 --> 00:08:36,044
"He need one more rocket."
200
00:08:37,604 --> 00:08:38,824
[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]
201
00:08:42,522 --> 00:08:43,872
[MUSIC PLAYING]
202
00:08:54,708 --> 00:08:56,578
Where's my motherfucker
at? He got...
203
00:08:56,623 --> 00:08:58,673
He can't even get me my shit?
204
00:08:58,712 --> 00:09:00,412
The guy behind the camera
got it? Okay.
205
00:09:02,150 --> 00:09:03,190
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
206
00:09:03,238 --> 00:09:04,848
All these little...
207
00:09:04,892 --> 00:09:06,632
Okay, I'll just take the mic
over to this side,
208
00:09:06,676 --> 00:09:08,286
while they
settin' up for the... For the next act.
209
00:09:08,330 --> 00:09:09,550
They told me
I shouldn't take too much time.
210
00:09:09,592 --> 00:09:11,032
I'm out here
too damn long.
211
00:09:11,072 --> 00:09:12,902
So real quick, real quick.
Because, you know
212
00:09:12,943 --> 00:09:15,343
I wanna do this
joke, it's old. It's old, old, old,
213
00:09:15,380 --> 00:09:17,170
old joke alert.
214
00:09:17,208 --> 00:09:19,558
This joke 82 years old.
215
00:09:19,602 --> 00:09:23,132
The man that wrote this joke
died Tuesday week.
216
00:09:24,346 --> 00:09:25,346
Mmm-hmm.
217
00:09:26,087 --> 00:09:27,437
Help yourself.
218
00:09:29,133 --> 00:09:33,313
This brother, that's right,
219
00:09:33,355 --> 00:09:34,915
brother, was out at the club.
220
00:09:34,965 --> 00:09:37,965
And the white chick decided
221
00:09:38,012 --> 00:09:40,282
that she wanted to go
out with the brother for that thing!
222
00:09:41,668 --> 00:09:45,448
That black men
are so well-known for.
223
00:09:45,497 --> 00:09:48,237
I ain't talkin'
'bout basketball.
224
00:09:48,283 --> 00:09:50,293
So she went to the club,
she met the brother,
225
00:09:50,328 --> 00:09:52,288
got him back
to her apartment.
226
00:09:52,330 --> 00:09:54,120
She tore off all her clothes,
227
00:09:54,158 --> 00:09:56,808
get into bed butt-naked.
She said, "Now, come on!
228
00:09:56,857 --> 00:09:59,207
"Show me that thing!
229
00:09:59,250 --> 00:10:03,250
"That you black men
are so well-known for."
230
00:10:03,298 --> 00:10:06,208
So of course, the brother grab
the TV and run out the door.
231
00:10:06,257 --> 00:10:07,997
Run out the
motherfuckin' door.
232
00:10:08,042 --> 00:10:09,352
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND APPLAUDING]
233
00:10:11,959 --> 00:10:13,919
That motherfucker about
90 years old.
234
00:10:13,961 --> 00:10:16,221
That motherfucker is ancient.
235
00:10:16,267 --> 00:10:17,827
I'm 'bout to bring out the
next act, but, but first
236
00:10:17,878 --> 00:10:19,918
I'm gonna do this
specialty thing where...
237
00:10:19,967 --> 00:10:21,617
I sing from my crotch.
238
00:10:21,664 --> 00:10:23,674
So we have a
special microphone,
239
00:10:23,710 --> 00:10:24,970
but you gotta be
real quiet to hear this.
240
00:10:25,015 --> 00:10:26,835
[SHUSHING]
You gotta be real quiet.
241
00:10:28,497 --> 00:10:32,107
Y'all some crazy
motherfuckers. I was, I was...
242
00:10:32,153 --> 00:10:33,633
I was fuckin' jokin'.
243
00:10:33,676 --> 00:10:36,416
You thought my penis
gonna start singin'?
244
00:10:36,461 --> 00:10:38,381
Damn, I like
this show.
245
00:10:38,420 --> 00:10:39,550
Okay.
246
00:10:39,595 --> 00:10:43,685
And now from
Los Angeles, California,
247
00:10:43,730 --> 00:10:45,340
uh, right down
the street,
248
00:10:45,383 --> 00:10:46,693
uh, won't you please welcome
249
00:10:46,733 --> 00:10:48,953
my friend, a great artist
and a good cat.
250
00:10:48,996 --> 00:10:51,216
Get your hands together
for Honest John.
251
00:10:51,259 --> 00:10:52,909
Come on, y'all!
Honest John!
252
00:10:52,956 --> 00:10:54,346
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
253
00:10:54,392 --> 00:10:55,962
[MUSIC PLAYING]
254
00:11:05,752 --> 00:11:06,972
Damn.
255
00:11:09,669 --> 00:11:13,019
Look at all the fine-ass
lookin' women in this place.
256
00:11:13,063 --> 00:11:14,063
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
257
00:11:15,892 --> 00:11:19,332
I got jungle fever like
a motherfucker!
258
00:11:19,374 --> 00:11:20,384
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
259
00:11:30,602 --> 00:11:32,742
Now, now I know that
there are some people
260
00:11:32,779 --> 00:11:36,519
that are down on that shit.
I ain't like that.
261
00:11:36,565 --> 00:11:39,435
My little soldier is
a good soldier.
262
00:11:39,481 --> 00:11:41,141
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
263
00:11:41,178 --> 00:11:44,178
It'll stand up and salute
for every different country.
264
00:11:44,225 --> 00:11:45,655
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
265
00:11:46,575 --> 00:11:48,055
Oh, back in the day,
266
00:11:48,098 --> 00:11:51,318
I dated white women,
black women, Asian women,
267
00:11:51,362 --> 00:11:54,102
even went out with a woman
from India one time.
268
00:11:54,148 --> 00:11:56,278
But she broke up with me
when I scraped the dot off
269
00:11:56,324 --> 00:11:58,764
her mother's head to see
if I'd won anything.
270
00:11:58,805 --> 00:11:59,885
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
271
00:12:04,724 --> 00:12:09,164
See, you, you just can't be
that free and easy anymore.
272
00:12:09,206 --> 00:12:11,946
Nowadays AIDS
just spoiled all that shit.
273
00:12:11,992 --> 00:12:14,692
I put on a glove just to
wave at a motherfucker.
274
00:12:14,734 --> 00:12:16,264
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
275
00:12:20,391 --> 00:12:23,261
This friend of mine
went out on a AIDS walk the other day.
276
00:12:23,307 --> 00:12:25,877
It's a good cause.
I'd like to help.
277
00:12:25,919 --> 00:12:29,269
I'm just not into walkin' all
over town and shit, you know?
278
00:12:30,575 --> 00:12:33,055
If they ever
have a AIDS nap...
279
00:12:33,100 --> 00:12:34,620
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
280
00:12:41,325 --> 00:12:42,845
But I have to agree
with one thing.
281
00:12:42,892 --> 00:12:45,072
I've been involved with
white women all my life
282
00:12:45,112 --> 00:12:46,852
and they're
nothin' but trouble.
283
00:12:46,896 --> 00:12:48,506
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
284
00:12:48,550 --> 00:12:50,680
Oh, now, I wouldn't tell
a brother not to go there.
285
00:12:52,293 --> 00:12:53,733
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND APPLAUDING]
286
00:13:00,214 --> 00:13:02,744
Oh, 'cause
the cootchie is good.
287
00:13:02,782 --> 00:13:04,132
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
288
00:13:09,397 --> 00:13:12,917
Oh, some of y'all
already know that, huh?
289
00:13:12,966 --> 00:13:15,796
Hey, it's all good. But...
290
00:13:15,838 --> 00:13:19,188
But you know, white women
do tend to be a little fussy, a little demanding.
291
00:13:19,233 --> 00:13:20,633
Like, ain't enough
to have a job,
292
00:13:20,669 --> 00:13:23,409
you gotta have
benefits, you know?
293
00:13:23,454 --> 00:13:26,544
White women expect you to
remember shit. Anniversaries.
294
00:13:26,588 --> 00:13:28,368
I came home one night,
woman I was with said,
295
00:13:28,416 --> 00:13:29,806
"Do you know
what day it is?"
296
00:13:29,852 --> 00:13:32,122
I said, "Tuesday."
297
00:13:32,159 --> 00:13:35,289
She said, "This is our
six-month anniversary."
298
00:13:35,336 --> 00:13:38,946
I said, "I thought I'd been
puttin' up with this shit a lot longer than six months."
299
00:13:38,992 --> 00:13:39,992
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
300
00:13:41,777 --> 00:13:45,167
I said, "Fuck it. I've had
it with white women."
301
00:13:45,215 --> 00:13:47,865
Past five years,
I been hangin' out in the hood,
302
00:13:47,914 --> 00:13:51,134
waiting for that epidemic
of jungle fever to break out.
303
00:13:51,178 --> 00:13:53,438
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
304
00:13:53,484 --> 00:13:56,794
But it's been five years now.
I'm not getting no cootchie.
305
00:13:58,141 --> 00:14:00,491
Nobody's grabbin'
my bony little butt,
306
00:14:00,535 --> 00:14:04,535
sayin', "Hey, slip me
that cute little, teeny, tiny white dick."
307
00:14:04,582 --> 00:14:05,582
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
308
00:14:08,369 --> 00:14:10,329
Oh, now wait a second,
that's a myth.
309
00:14:10,371 --> 00:14:13,331
Not all white people
got small dicks.
310
00:14:13,374 --> 00:14:16,074
Some white people
got big dicks.
311
00:14:16,116 --> 00:14:19,986
Not me, but some
other motherfuckers.
312
00:14:20,033 --> 00:14:21,603
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
313
00:14:21,643 --> 00:14:23,693
But this one guy,
he went out and got himself
314
00:14:23,732 --> 00:14:26,432
one of these penis
implant operations.
315
00:14:26,474 --> 00:14:29,784
And the doctor went and
fucked up his shit.
316
00:14:29,825 --> 00:14:32,645
It's like six different
colors now, all lopsided,
317
00:14:32,697 --> 00:14:34,827
makes a sharp
turn to the left.
318
00:14:34,874 --> 00:14:36,534
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
319
00:14:36,571 --> 00:14:38,831
He can't fuck like
regular people anymore.
320
00:14:38,878 --> 00:14:40,178
Has to go like this.
321
00:14:40,227 --> 00:14:41,397
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND APPLAUDING]
322
00:14:44,666 --> 00:14:46,146
[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]
323
00:14:46,189 --> 00:14:47,709
[MUSIC PLAYING]
324
00:14:55,155 --> 00:14:58,895
Give it up again for
Honest John, y'all. Honest John!
325
00:15:03,772 --> 00:15:05,472
Fucked up.
That's fucked up.
326
00:15:06,731 --> 00:15:08,041
Nah, it's fucked up.
Fucked up.
327
00:15:08,081 --> 00:15:09,521
One white guy all night,
328
00:15:09,560 --> 00:15:11,430
you motherfuckers stood up.
You mother...
329
00:15:11,475 --> 00:15:13,085
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND CHEERING]
330
00:15:16,393 --> 00:15:18,183
Okay, from
Chicago, Illinois,
331
00:15:18,221 --> 00:15:20,831
this brother appeared on
Def Comedy Jam for the second time.
332
00:15:20,876 --> 00:15:24,096
Give it up for my friend,
Tony Sculfield. Give it up!
333
00:15:24,140 --> 00:15:25,140
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
334
00:15:30,538 --> 00:15:31,928
What's up, L.A.?
Y'all in the house?
335
00:15:31,974 --> 00:15:33,454
Make some noise.
Where y'all at?
336
00:15:33,497 --> 00:15:34,847
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
337
00:15:34,890 --> 00:15:36,590
Y'all feel good?AUDIENCE MEMBER: Yeah.
338
00:15:36,631 --> 00:15:38,421
I feel great, man.
I'mma tell y'all right now,
339
00:15:38,459 --> 00:15:40,939
I'm glad as hell
to be in L.A. tonight.
340
00:15:40,983 --> 00:15:43,033
'Cause I got some kids
341
00:15:43,072 --> 00:15:46,642
and they motherfuckin'
asses in Chicago.
342
00:15:46,684 --> 00:15:49,084
I'm glad to be any goddamn
where they ass ain't.
343
00:15:49,122 --> 00:15:50,912
You know what I'm saying?
344
00:15:50,950 --> 00:15:52,300
How many people
in the house got kids by applause?
345
00:15:52,342 --> 00:15:53,952
If you got kids,
raise your hand.
346
00:15:53,996 --> 00:15:55,516
Clap, make some noise
up in here if you love 'em.
347
00:15:55,563 --> 00:15:57,003
[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]
348
00:15:57,043 --> 00:15:58,833
I love y'all.
349
00:15:58,870 --> 00:16:01,090
Y'all my people.
I love the shit outta y'all.
350
00:16:01,134 --> 00:16:04,014
But let me hear all the
punk-ass motherfuckers in the house
351
00:16:04,050 --> 00:16:06,180
who ain't got no kid.
Let me hear y'all clap.
352
00:16:06,226 --> 00:16:08,316
[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]
353
00:16:08,358 --> 00:16:10,798
Oh, punk-ass people.
354
00:16:10,839 --> 00:16:13,449
Happier than a motherfucker.
Loud as hell, got extra money in your goddamn pocket,
355
00:16:13,494 --> 00:16:15,154
ain't gotta go home
no goddamn time
356
00:16:15,191 --> 00:16:16,981
so you can stay out all
motherfuckin' night and shit.
357
00:16:17,019 --> 00:16:18,759
You motherfuckers
ain't gotta listen
358
00:16:18,803 --> 00:16:20,983
to no stupid-ass kid in the
morning, no dumbass cartoons.
359
00:16:21,023 --> 00:16:22,943
Motherfuckin' Gullah,
Gullah Islandand shit.
360
00:16:22,982 --> 00:16:24,982
I can't stand y'all ass.
361
00:16:26,420 --> 00:16:29,290
People with no damn kids
is too happy.
362
00:16:29,336 --> 00:16:32,506
Y'all get y'all ass off work
and go right home.
363
00:16:32,556 --> 00:16:36,426
You get off work at 4:30,
you at home at 4:39.
364
00:16:36,473 --> 00:16:38,043
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
365
00:16:38,084 --> 00:16:39,654
Motherfucker with some kids
get off work at 5:00,
366
00:16:39,694 --> 00:16:42,314
we might try to swing
by that bitch by 12:00.
367
00:16:42,349 --> 00:16:44,439
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
368
00:16:44,481 --> 00:16:47,621
And if a light on,
we gonna make another fucking round on they ass.
369
00:16:47,658 --> 00:16:49,698
For real. Just follow
somebody home with no kids.
370
00:16:49,747 --> 00:16:51,307
Follow 'em home.
They happy as hell.
371
00:16:51,358 --> 00:16:52,788
They pull in front of
their house, they be like...
372
00:16:52,837 --> 00:16:54,397
[IMITATES TIRE SCREECHING]
373
00:16:54,448 --> 00:16:55,448
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
374
00:16:57,407 --> 00:17:00,667
They get out the damn car,
start skipping up the porch like this.
375
00:17:00,715 --> 00:17:03,535
Swing the door open like,
"Hey, I'm home!
376
00:17:03,587 --> 00:17:06,757
"Oh that's right, ain't nobody
up in this motherfucker."
377
00:17:10,203 --> 00:17:12,903
But just say you got some
kids in your house.
378
00:17:12,944 --> 00:17:16,694
You pull up in front of your
house a little bit differently if you got kids, don't you?
379
00:17:16,731 --> 00:17:18,431
People with kids,
we pull up, we be like...
380
00:17:19,603 --> 00:17:20,873
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
381
00:17:35,228 --> 00:17:36,748
[INHALES]
382
00:17:39,188 --> 00:17:40,188
[INHALES]
383
00:17:43,845 --> 00:17:45,885
"Take y'all ass back
in the house.
384
00:17:47,240 --> 00:17:49,240
"I'm comin' in."
385
00:17:50,025 --> 00:17:52,105
Damn.
386
00:17:52,158 --> 00:17:54,118
All the fellas in the house
that got little girls,
387
00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:55,510
let me hear y'all
make some noise if you got little girls.
388
00:17:55,552 --> 00:17:57,472
[AUDIENCE MEMBERS CHEERING]
389
00:17:57,511 --> 00:18:01,211
Hey, I love y'all.
All of us who's punks raise your hands.
390
00:18:01,254 --> 00:18:02,784
I ain't lyin' 'cause
if you got a little girl
391
00:18:02,820 --> 00:18:04,130
and you try
to discipline her,
392
00:18:04,170 --> 00:18:06,170
she will get cute
as hell on your ass.
393
00:18:06,215 --> 00:18:08,345
Bring all the
punk right out you.
394
00:18:08,391 --> 00:18:12,221
You start blamin'
other people for shit she done.
395
00:18:12,265 --> 00:18:14,345
I ain't bullshit.
I went in my daughter room
396
00:18:14,397 --> 00:18:17,047
the other day, looked
like a tornado had been through her shit...
397
00:18:17,096 --> 00:18:21,666
Realized it forgot somethin'
and swung back through, right?
398
00:18:21,709 --> 00:18:23,489
I went in there,
I'm like, "Goddamn, every time I come in
399
00:18:23,537 --> 00:18:25,667
"this shit just broke all up.
Tore all up in here.
400
00:18:25,713 --> 00:18:27,283
"I put nice shit in here,
just to have you fuck with it? Let me tell
401
00:18:27,323 --> 00:18:28,933
"your motherfuckin' ass.
I'm gonna leave this room
402
00:18:28,977 --> 00:18:31,327
"and come back in about
10 motherfuckin' minutes.
403
00:18:31,371 --> 00:18:33,021
"When I come back in this
motherfuckin' room, shit better be picked the fuck up!"
404
00:18:33,068 --> 00:18:34,638
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND APPLAUDING]
405
00:18:38,726 --> 00:18:40,156
She looked at me and said...
406
00:18:40,206 --> 00:18:41,636
[IMITATES SNIFFLING]
407
00:18:42,512 --> 00:18:43,992
"Forgive me, Father,
408
00:18:45,167 --> 00:18:47,297
"for I know not what I do.
409
00:18:48,605 --> 00:18:50,125
"I'm so sorry."
410
00:18:50,172 --> 00:18:51,872
I was like...
411
00:18:51,913 --> 00:18:54,573
"What... Uh...
412
00:18:54,611 --> 00:18:57,441
"You ain't got to pick
all this shit up.
413
00:18:57,484 --> 00:18:59,924
"'Cause see, some of
this shit, you ain't even throw down here.
414
00:18:59,964 --> 00:19:02,494
"I seen your mama
in here with her lazy, motherfuckin' ass,
415
00:19:02,532 --> 00:19:04,452
"throwin' shit all on
the goddamn floor.
416
00:19:04,491 --> 00:19:06,151
"You don't care
about these kids!
417
00:19:06,188 --> 00:19:08,358
"Bring your ass in here
and help us clean up!
418
00:19:08,408 --> 00:19:09,838
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND APPLAUDING]
419
00:19:11,193 --> 00:19:13,503
I'm telling you,
man, it's rough.
420
00:19:13,543 --> 00:19:15,683
And if you got kids,
teach 'em about shit.
421
00:19:15,719 --> 00:19:17,899
Be honest with 'em, man.
422
00:19:17,939 --> 00:19:19,899
No matter what it is,
drugs, alcohol, no matter what it is, teach 'em.
423
00:19:19,941 --> 00:19:22,941
Teach 'em what's right
and wrong in the house.
424
00:19:22,987 --> 00:19:24,767
You know what I'm sayin'?
Teach 'em.[APPLAUSE]
425
00:19:24,815 --> 00:19:27,945
'Cause these kids pick up shit
pretty damn quick nowaday.
426
00:19:27,992 --> 00:19:30,342
How do I know?
I got two little girls, man.
427
00:19:30,386 --> 00:19:33,816
The other day I was in
my room, I picked up a bag of weed off the dresser.
428
00:19:33,868 --> 00:19:35,478
My three-year-old ran
in the living room
429
00:19:35,522 --> 00:19:37,482
and came back
with my rolling papers.
430
00:19:37,524 --> 00:19:38,744
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
431
00:19:39,961 --> 00:19:41,621
I'm like, "Damn,
this is fucked up!
432
00:19:41,658 --> 00:19:43,488
"I got to quit
smokin' weed
433
00:19:43,530 --> 00:19:45,230
"or your ass gonna have
to learn how to roll."
434
00:19:45,271 --> 00:19:46,881
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
435
00:19:46,924 --> 00:19:49,494
"All this fuckin' talent
and you just wasting this shit."
436
00:19:49,536 --> 00:19:51,576
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
437
00:19:51,625 --> 00:19:53,365
Then my seven-year-old
daughter come in the room.
438
00:19:53,409 --> 00:19:55,019
She look at the weed
and go, "Daddy, what's that,
439
00:19:55,063 --> 00:19:56,413
"a dime bag?"
440
00:19:56,456 --> 00:19:58,546
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
441
00:19:58,588 --> 00:20:00,328
I'm like, "How the hell
you know what this is?"
442
00:20:00,373 --> 00:20:03,853
She be like
"They be sellin' 'em at my school.
443
00:20:03,898 --> 00:20:07,288
"But at my school,
they look a little bigger than that."
444
00:20:07,336 --> 00:20:09,336
"Let me tell you, your
little motherfuckin' ass...
445
00:20:09,382 --> 00:20:11,252
"You're seven years old.
You not gonna be going to school where
446
00:20:11,297 --> 00:20:12,687
"they sellin' drugs,
I'm gonna tell you right goddamn now.
447
00:20:12,733 --> 00:20:14,603
"You take this $20..."
448
00:20:14,648 --> 00:20:15,648
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND APPLAUDING]
449
00:20:20,001 --> 00:20:23,221
"And I'm gonna pick
your ass up from school tomorrow.
450
00:20:23,265 --> 00:20:25,825
"Don't get on
that slow-ass bus."
451
00:20:25,876 --> 00:20:28,226
I'm Tony Sculfield.
Peace, baby!
452
00:20:28,270 --> 00:20:29,450
[MUSIC PLAYING]
453
00:20:35,582 --> 00:20:38,982
Ladies and gentlemen,
this brother put together for all of us.
454
00:20:39,020 --> 00:20:42,070
I'm thanking him
with all of my heart. Mr. Russell Simmons.
455
00:20:42,110 --> 00:20:46,290
Thank you, baby.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, hell yes!
456
00:20:46,332 --> 00:20:48,122
Hell, yeah!
457
00:20:48,159 --> 00:20:50,949
Mr. Russell Simmons
gave us this.
458
00:20:50,988 --> 00:20:53,688
Thank you for coming out.
God bless you. Good night.
459
00:20:53,730 --> 00:20:55,650
[MUSIC PLAYING]
460
00:20:55,689 --> 00:20:57,869
[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]
461
00:20:57,919 --> 00:21:02,469
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