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00:00:07,050 --> 00:00:10,230
KID CAPRI: It's the
Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam.
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00:00:10,271 --> 00:00:12,271
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
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00:00:15,102 --> 00:00:20,062
I am your man, the world's
greatest DJ, the Kid Capri.
4
00:00:20,107 --> 00:00:21,537
With your host...
5
00:00:24,111 --> 00:00:25,551
Tonight's guests...
6
00:00:34,077 --> 00:00:37,077
Welcome my man to the stage,
from the movieFriday,
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00:00:37,124 --> 00:00:39,524
Boomerang and
theWayans Brothers,
8
00:00:39,561 --> 00:00:42,561
my main man, John Witherspoon.
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00:00:43,434 --> 00:00:45,394
[MUSIC PLAYING]
10
00:00:45,436 --> 00:00:47,216
[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]
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00:01:16,076 --> 00:01:18,246
This is a new one,
shake the balls.
12
00:01:18,295 --> 00:01:19,505
[DRUMBEAT PLAYS]
13
00:01:21,168 --> 00:01:22,168
[DRUMBEAT STOPS]
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00:01:24,432 --> 00:01:26,522
Let's hear it for Kid Capri.
15
00:01:26,564 --> 00:01:27,914
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
16
00:01:29,263 --> 00:01:30,483
All right.
17
00:01:32,353 --> 00:01:34,623
How y'all doin'?
18
00:01:34,659 --> 00:01:36,919
How you doin' over here? Let
me hear, come on, let me hear.
19
00:01:36,966 --> 00:01:38,746
Hey.
20
00:01:38,794 --> 00:01:41,194
Let's turn this
motherfucker. Hey!
21
00:01:42,145 --> 00:01:44,225
Hot dammit!
22
00:01:44,278 --> 00:01:45,578
Now, you don't know
how to dress.
23
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Shit, I'm coordinated,
motherfucker.
24
00:01:53,461 --> 00:01:55,161
What you talkin' about?
25
00:01:55,985 --> 00:01:57,505
That's right.
26
00:01:57,552 --> 00:01:59,082
And they told me
it was a dress code.
27
00:01:59,119 --> 00:02:00,729
Man, what happened?
28
00:02:00,772 --> 00:02:02,772
They told me
to put on my best shit.
29
00:02:02,818 --> 00:02:04,558
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
30
00:02:04,602 --> 00:02:07,872
Ain't nobody else
got their best shit on, ain't that a bitch?
31
00:02:07,910 --> 00:02:09,650
See this shit?
I got my shit on.
32
00:02:09,694 --> 00:02:12,354
You won't find this shit
in one damn store.
33
00:02:12,393 --> 00:02:13,793
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
34
00:02:17,224 --> 00:02:19,574
I been all over Los Angeles
lookin' for this shit.
35
00:02:21,228 --> 00:02:22,878
Shit.
36
00:02:22,925 --> 00:02:25,665
See my happy socks? I got
them motherfuckers on too.
37
00:02:30,541 --> 00:02:33,241
You know, I try to tell
kids to stay out of gangs.
38
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Gangs are no good for you.
39
00:02:35,111 --> 00:02:37,331
Try to go to school,
learn something. That's right.
40
00:02:41,509 --> 00:02:44,469
Get out of them gangs.
I try to keep my son out of a gang.
41
00:02:44,512 --> 00:02:46,862
You know they got color
shooting over color. Y'all shouldn't do that.
42
00:02:46,905 --> 00:02:48,555
Blue, you shot
by gang man red.
43
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You wear red, you're shot
by gang man blue.
44
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They never shoot my black ass,
I wear pink and put a ribbon in my hair.
45
00:02:53,303 --> 00:02:56,003
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
46
00:02:56,045 --> 00:02:58,395
And they got these gang
signs, scare me to death.
47
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Doing like this to themselves.
48
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You know that shit man,
scare you to death, boy.
49
00:03:01,833 --> 00:03:03,233
They're doing this shit,
"Get the fuck out the way brother,
50
00:03:03,270 --> 00:03:04,710
"there's some
serious shit here."
51
00:03:08,144 --> 00:03:11,454
I'm at the light,
waiting to get in my car, doing like this to myself,
52
00:03:11,495 --> 00:03:13,795
minding my own
motherfuckin' business.
53
00:03:13,845 --> 00:03:16,325
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
54
00:03:21,462 --> 00:03:22,992
Brother pulled up next to me
talkin' about,
55
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"Hey brother, where you from?
Where you from?"
56
00:03:24,334 --> 00:03:27,604
I said, "Bug off.
Bug off. Bug off!"
57
00:03:33,169 --> 00:03:34,559
Fuck you think I'm from?
58
00:03:38,740 --> 00:03:40,960
Stay out of them gangs.
59
00:03:41,003 --> 00:03:44,013
I'm makin' me some money now.
I'm happy I'm makin' money.
60
00:03:44,049 --> 00:03:45,919
Got myself a house right away.
61
00:03:45,964 --> 00:03:48,844
You never see that shit go up
my motherfuckin' nose.
62
00:03:48,880 --> 00:03:50,490
Shit, I was at a party
in Beverly Hills,
63
00:03:50,534 --> 00:03:52,714
and they gave me some of that
stuff called cocaine.
64
00:03:52,754 --> 00:03:54,544
Let me tell you what
that stuff did to me.
65
00:03:54,582 --> 00:03:56,112
That stuff made me happy.
66
00:03:57,585 --> 00:03:59,715
I ain't never been
this happy in my life.
67
00:03:59,761 --> 00:04:02,551
I was so happy, I gave
all my money away.
68
00:04:02,590 --> 00:04:04,850
I don't ever want to be
that damn happy again.
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00:04:05,767 --> 00:04:06,767
Shit.
70
00:04:09,118 --> 00:04:11,688
Fuck that shit.
71
00:04:11,729 --> 00:04:14,299
Keep my kids out
of them damn gangs.
72
00:04:14,341 --> 00:04:16,171
I love the young generation
though, I'm tellin' you
73
00:04:16,212 --> 00:04:17,822
I love the young generation.
74
00:04:17,866 --> 00:04:20,646
We had our generation.
I like to rap, I love rapping.
75
00:04:20,695 --> 00:04:22,905
Poets. Poets.
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00:04:22,958 --> 00:04:24,658
I'm a rapper myself.
I'mma rap for y'all.
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[CHUCKLES]
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Y'all think I can't do it.
Listen to this shit.
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00:04:29,486 --> 00:04:31,046
[RAPPING] ♪ Look who's
hanging out with the felt thongs
80
00:04:31,096 --> 00:04:33,446
♪ Just because
you're on top of a mountain
81
00:04:33,490 --> 00:04:35,100
♪ But what goes up
must come down
82
00:04:35,144 --> 00:04:36,804
♪ Ho[AUDIENCE CLAPPING
RHYTHMICALLY]
83
00:04:36,841 --> 00:04:38,761
♪ They didn't give a fuck
about you four years ago
84
00:04:38,800 --> 00:04:41,320
♪ What ya gonna do
when it starts sinking?
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00:04:41,368 --> 00:04:44,148
♪ Motherfucker, you'd probably
start drinkin' ♪
86
00:04:44,196 --> 00:04:45,286
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
87
00:04:57,558 --> 00:05:01,338
Rap. Rap generation, man.
We had our generation.
88
00:05:01,388 --> 00:05:03,428
When I was coming up, man,
I used to have my generation.
89
00:05:03,477 --> 00:05:05,777
My hair was an afro
that motherfuckin' big.
90
00:05:05,827 --> 00:05:07,737
I used to pick my hair
like this.
91
00:05:07,785 --> 00:05:10,395
[LAUGHTER]
92
00:05:10,440 --> 00:05:12,140
When I ran
and the wind would hit it,
93
00:05:12,181 --> 00:05:13,571
looked like I had a cape on,
that motherfucker would...
94
00:05:14,444 --> 00:05:15,714
[LAUGHTER]
95
00:05:20,624 --> 00:05:22,454
O.J. Simpson, he's still
goin' through that shit.
96
00:05:22,496 --> 00:05:24,446
I'm so sick of that
damn O.J. Simpson.
97
00:05:24,498 --> 00:05:26,148
Goddamn!
98
00:05:26,195 --> 00:05:27,805
He is a disgrace.
99
00:05:27,849 --> 00:05:30,109
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
100
00:05:30,155 --> 00:05:32,805
I don't even drink
orange juice anymore.
101
00:05:32,854 --> 00:05:35,124
I drink buttermilk now.
Fuck that!
102
00:05:35,160 --> 00:05:36,420
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
103
00:05:38,468 --> 00:05:40,468
O.J. never spoke to a black
person 10 years ago.
104
00:05:40,514 --> 00:05:42,654
He wouldn't even speak to me.
105
00:05:42,690 --> 00:05:45,740
All of a sudden
everybody cryin' for O.J. Fuck O.J. goddamn Simpson.
106
00:05:45,780 --> 00:05:47,000
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]
107
00:05:52,221 --> 00:05:54,401
While he's important, I should
go break into that motherfuckin' house
108
00:05:54,441 --> 00:05:56,751
and get them damn fuckin' sofa
109
00:05:56,791 --> 00:05:58,451
out that motherfucker
or something.
110
00:06:00,925 --> 00:06:04,185
Fuckin' O.J. Simpson.
[MOCK CRIES] Everybody, "O.J. Simpson.
111
00:06:04,233 --> 00:06:06,193
"O.J. Simpson."
112
00:06:06,235 --> 00:06:07,715
Fuck O.J. Simpson!
113
00:06:07,758 --> 00:06:09,328
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
114
00:06:09,369 --> 00:06:10,369
Fuck him.
115
00:06:13,373 --> 00:06:16,203
I got a friend in jail
doin' 20 years for something he didn't do.
116
00:06:16,245 --> 00:06:18,285
Come on, cry
over his ass, goddamn it.
117
00:06:19,944 --> 00:06:22,904
I was in Beverly Hills
recently about, what,
118
00:06:22,947 --> 00:06:25,117
two years ago, O.J. wouldn't
even speak to me.
119
00:06:25,167 --> 00:06:27,037
And now all of a sudden
I saw him about six months ago
120
00:06:27,082 --> 00:06:28,652
he gonna look at me,
want to speak to every black person.
121
00:06:28,692 --> 00:06:30,172
He look at me, "Hey, brother."
I did like this.
122
00:06:31,739 --> 00:06:33,349
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
123
00:06:34,872 --> 00:06:36,402
[APPLAUSE]
124
00:06:46,928 --> 00:06:50,408
Damn O.J. Simpson, shit,
all that damn money.
125
00:06:50,453 --> 00:06:53,283
Ain't never seen him
with a black woman. Walk a mile for a white woman.
126
00:06:53,325 --> 00:06:54,885
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]Shit.
127
00:06:57,504 --> 00:06:59,464
While you there, bring me some
Camels back, motherfucker.
128
00:06:59,506 --> 00:07:01,416
You gonna walk a mile
for them, goddamn it.
129
00:07:04,728 --> 00:07:06,598
Y'all gonna get me fired.
I got my TV show,
130
00:07:06,643 --> 00:07:08,303
the Wayans Brothers,
y'all watch the Wayans Brothers?
131
00:07:08,340 --> 00:07:10,390
AUDIENCE: Yeah.That's right. That's right.
132
00:07:11,996 --> 00:07:13,736
Now I can't see,
so I gotta wear my glasses
133
00:07:13,781 --> 00:07:15,041
so I can read
this shit back here.
134
00:07:18,786 --> 00:07:21,696
I still can't see the shit.
[CHUCKLES]
135
00:07:21,745 --> 00:07:25,355
Def Comedy Jam,
showcasing young comics from all over.
136
00:07:25,401 --> 00:07:27,491
From Washington, D.C...MAN: Yeah!
137
00:07:27,534 --> 00:07:29,584
His second appearance...
Who's from D.C.?
138
00:07:29,623 --> 00:07:30,933
MAN: D.C.All right, rap man, come on,
139
00:07:30,972 --> 00:07:32,542
holla if you
from D.C., goddamn it.
140
00:07:34,018 --> 00:07:35,978
MAN: D.C.!
141
00:07:36,020 --> 00:07:37,760
This gentleman was
the host of Rap City,
142
00:07:37,805 --> 00:07:41,025
let's give it up
for Joe Clair. Joe!
143
00:07:41,069 --> 00:07:43,069
[MUSIC PLAYING][AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
144
00:07:48,337 --> 00:07:49,337
Hey!
145
00:07:50,295 --> 00:07:52,335
Hey what's up?
146
00:07:52,384 --> 00:07:55,394
Hey check this, right.
I just got a VCR, right?
147
00:07:55,431 --> 00:07:58,741
It's my first VCR,
and I ain't never had time, like, to go to the movies.
148
00:07:58,782 --> 00:08:00,612
Man, movies is good as shit.
149
00:08:00,654 --> 00:08:02,794
I started watching...
Who seen The Lion King?
150
00:08:04,614 --> 00:08:06,704
You ain't... You ain't never
seen The Lion King?
151
00:08:06,747 --> 00:08:08,917
You know, you're older,
so your baby mother,
152
00:08:08,966 --> 00:08:12,536
daughter, got to...
You seen it.
153
00:08:12,579 --> 00:08:15,189
The Lion Kingwas good.
But I had one problem with The Lion King.
154
00:08:15,233 --> 00:08:17,113
Now, James Earl Jones
155
00:08:17,148 --> 00:08:19,408
was Mufasa, right?AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Right.
156
00:08:19,455 --> 00:08:22,275
Yeah, I think Simba
should have been black too.
157
00:08:22,327 --> 00:08:24,587
The person who was Simba,
I think somebody like
158
00:08:24,634 --> 00:08:26,204
Larenz Tate.
159
00:08:28,203 --> 00:08:30,553
O-dog from Menace II Society ,
160
00:08:30,597 --> 00:08:32,207
he could have been
a good-ass Simba.
161
00:08:32,250 --> 00:08:34,380
They was standin'
by the cliff, you know...
162
00:08:39,867 --> 00:08:42,297
"Someday Simba,
all of this will be yours."
163
00:08:44,175 --> 00:08:45,955
"Oh, for real, fool?"
164
00:08:46,003 --> 00:08:47,353
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
165
00:08:51,705 --> 00:08:54,005
"All of this shit out here?
All of this shit out here is mine?"
166
00:08:54,055 --> 00:08:55,355
"Yes, everything
but the badlands.
167
00:08:55,404 --> 00:08:57,624
"You can never go
to the badlands."
168
00:08:57,667 --> 00:08:59,057
"You know what, you starting
to sound like a little bitch right about now."
169
00:09:02,977 --> 00:09:06,017
I seen Forrest Gump.
170
00:09:06,067 --> 00:09:08,287
Man, who was
your favorite person?
171
00:09:08,983 --> 00:09:10,643
Bubba!
172
00:09:10,680 --> 00:09:12,200
Bubba was that...
When that nigga...
173
00:09:12,247 --> 00:09:14,247
The movie didn't start
till he got on the bus,
174
00:09:14,292 --> 00:09:16,252
because he had
the face, you know, he was...
175
00:09:21,299 --> 00:09:23,649
[MIMICS BUBBA]
"You ever been on a shrimpin' boat?"
176
00:09:23,693 --> 00:09:24,833
[LAUGHTER]
177
00:09:26,740 --> 00:09:29,090
Forrest dummy...
[MIMICS FORREST] "No,
178
00:09:29,133 --> 00:09:31,313
"but I been
on a real big boat."
179
00:09:36,358 --> 00:09:39,318
Remember when Bubba
got shot up at the river?
180
00:09:39,361 --> 00:09:40,671
Wasn't that sad?
181
00:09:40,710 --> 00:09:42,970
I was crackin'
my motherfuckin' ass up.
182
00:09:43,017 --> 00:09:44,927
Because he was down,
but he still had the face,
183
00:09:44,975 --> 00:09:46,315
you know, he...
184
00:09:46,368 --> 00:09:47,668
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
185
00:09:47,717 --> 00:09:50,887
"Forrest, why'd they trap me?"
186
00:09:52,461 --> 00:09:54,771
"You got shot, Bubba."
187
00:09:58,162 --> 00:10:01,302
"I want to go home, Forrest,
I want to go home."
188
00:10:06,344 --> 00:10:08,564
"And Bubba died right there
by that river.
189
00:10:11,480 --> 00:10:13,480
"It's all I have
to say about that."
190
00:10:14,483 --> 00:10:16,013
That was my shit.
191
00:10:16,050 --> 00:10:18,970
And nigga was talk...
I like Waiting to Exhale.
192
00:10:19,009 --> 00:10:20,969
Ladies, clap for that shit.
193
00:10:21,011 --> 00:10:22,491
That was a good movie.
194
00:10:22,534 --> 00:10:23,884
[CHEERING]
195
00:10:23,927 --> 00:10:25,577
I hope y'all learned
y'all lesson though.
196
00:10:25,625 --> 00:10:28,105
There's lessons
to be learned in that shit.
197
00:10:28,149 --> 00:10:29,669
The lesson, it was four women.
198
00:10:29,716 --> 00:10:31,626
Y'all saw who got
the dick, right?
199
00:10:31,674 --> 00:10:32,984
The big one. Why?
200
00:10:33,023 --> 00:10:35,163
Because she fed a nigga.
201
00:10:35,199 --> 00:10:37,029
Good food, good dick.
202
00:10:37,071 --> 00:10:39,291
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
203
00:10:39,334 --> 00:10:40,774
A nigga...
You fix a nigga a plate.
204
00:10:40,814 --> 00:10:42,514
He come into the house.
205
00:10:44,948 --> 00:10:46,598
Did you see her?
206
00:10:46,646 --> 00:10:49,076
She walked her big ass
across the street off the top.
207
00:10:52,303 --> 00:10:54,393
"How you doing? I'm Gloria
from across the street.
208
00:10:54,436 --> 00:10:56,046
"Listen, we got some
leftover ham, some turkey, macaroni and cheese,
209
00:10:56,090 --> 00:10:58,220
"some potato salad,
some greens... Collard greens.
210
00:10:58,266 --> 00:11:00,136
"Would you like a little bit?"
211
00:11:00,181 --> 00:11:01,571
Okay.
212
00:11:01,617 --> 00:11:03,307
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
213
00:11:04,707 --> 00:11:06,797
I hope he's not lookin'.
214
00:11:06,840 --> 00:11:08,760
He is lookin'.
215
00:11:16,545 --> 00:11:17,885
And I'm gonna tell
y'all this shit.
216
00:11:17,938 --> 00:11:20,328
It was... Some of that
shit was bullshit.
217
00:11:20,375 --> 00:11:22,245
Like the... The...
218
00:11:22,290 --> 00:11:24,250
The Wesley Snipes part.
219
00:11:24,292 --> 00:11:25,552
[LAUGHTER]
220
00:11:29,906 --> 00:11:31,906
I'm gonna tell you,
they picked the right nigga
221
00:11:31,952 --> 00:11:33,872
because I'd have fucked her.
222
00:11:33,910 --> 00:11:38,700
Nigga, you were supposed
to ask for a rewrite or some shit.
223
00:11:38,741 --> 00:11:40,791
You didn't get the...
Man, fuck... I'd have tore her...
224
00:11:40,830 --> 00:11:42,920
I'd have fucked her till she
turned back into Tina.
225
00:11:42,963 --> 00:11:44,663
Is you crazy?
226
00:11:44,704 --> 00:11:46,714
[CHEERING]
227
00:11:46,749 --> 00:11:48,929
Hey, I'm Joe Clair,
I'll see y'all...
228
00:11:48,969 --> 00:11:51,539
[MUSIC PLAYING]
229
00:11:51,580 --> 00:11:53,630
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
230
00:11:57,455 --> 00:11:59,975
Yo. Play.
231
00:12:01,416 --> 00:12:02,416
Yeah.
232
00:12:07,509 --> 00:12:09,249
[AUDIENCE WHISTLING]
233
00:12:10,512 --> 00:12:11,692
What's wrong?
234
00:12:13,820 --> 00:12:15,780
Wait a minute.
235
00:12:15,822 --> 00:12:19,392
Y'all ain't saying nothin'
when Diana Ross changed her shit.
236
00:12:19,434 --> 00:12:22,744
Oprah changed her shit.
I'm changin' mine.
237
00:12:22,785 --> 00:12:25,565
This shit gets better.
Look at this shit. [CHUCKLES]
238
00:12:27,790 --> 00:12:29,440
Wesley Snipes
and Woody Harrelson,
239
00:12:29,487 --> 00:12:30,617
let's hear it for them right
over there in the corner.
240
00:12:36,756 --> 00:12:39,316
All right.
241
00:12:39,367 --> 00:12:41,277
I'm gonna put my shit on now,
where is it?
242
00:12:42,718 --> 00:12:44,418
All right.
243
00:12:44,459 --> 00:12:46,679
From Nashville, Tennessee,
244
00:12:46,722 --> 00:12:48,332
give it up
for Hank MaGauley.
245
00:12:48,376 --> 00:12:49,806
Hank.
246
00:12:49,856 --> 00:12:51,806
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]
247
00:12:51,858 --> 00:12:53,508
[MUSIC PLAYING]
248
00:12:58,429 --> 00:13:01,999
Yeah, wassup L.A.?
How you doin'?
249
00:13:02,042 --> 00:13:04,442
Good. I'm here
to represent the brothers.
250
00:13:04,479 --> 00:13:06,789
Motherfuckin' women talk
to us now in bed.
251
00:13:06,829 --> 00:13:08,139
Oh, hell, yeah.
252
00:13:08,178 --> 00:13:10,138
I was talking
to my father about this.
253
00:13:10,180 --> 00:13:12,490
He said,
"Hank, 35, 40 years ago, you made love to a woman,
254
00:13:12,530 --> 00:13:14,320
"she'd lay in bed,
wouldn't say a fuckin' thing."
255
00:13:15,969 --> 00:13:17,969
Not now.
256
00:13:18,014 --> 00:13:21,804
Now you got us
runnin' around the room jumpin' on trampolines,
257
00:13:21,844 --> 00:13:23,984
wearing Denzel masks and shit.
258
00:13:26,022 --> 00:13:27,982
"Jump, Denzel, jump!"
259
00:13:30,897 --> 00:13:33,937
I just recently
found out that women
260
00:13:33,987 --> 00:13:36,947
enjoy sex more than we do
at the time of fuckin'.
261
00:13:36,990 --> 00:13:38,690
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
262
00:13:38,730 --> 00:13:40,080
I didn't believe it.
263
00:13:40,123 --> 00:13:41,653
I'm fuckin'.
We havin' a good time.
264
00:13:41,690 --> 00:13:44,870
We roll over, I say,
"Damn, that was good."
265
00:13:44,911 --> 00:13:47,301
She said,
"It was better for me."
266
00:13:47,348 --> 00:13:50,698
I said, "Shit.
Couldn't have been better."
267
00:13:50,742 --> 00:13:53,092
She said, "Yeah it was better,
I can prove it to you."
268
00:13:53,136 --> 00:13:54,486
I said, "What?"
269
00:13:54,529 --> 00:13:57,009
She said... Now I want
you brothers to do this,
270
00:13:57,053 --> 00:13:59,883
you will know that women
have more fun than we do.
271
00:13:59,926 --> 00:14:01,966
Be a man about it.
272
00:14:02,015 --> 00:14:04,445
For all you brothers in here
stick your finger in your ear.
273
00:14:04,495 --> 00:14:07,185
Come on, be a man
about this shit.
274
00:14:07,237 --> 00:14:09,977
Now rub your finger around
like that.
275
00:14:10,023 --> 00:14:12,593
Now what feels better,
your finger or your ear?
276
00:14:12,634 --> 00:14:14,114
[LAUGHTER]
277
00:14:25,473 --> 00:14:28,393
Sometimes, your whole
motherfuckin' head feel good.
278
00:14:32,654 --> 00:14:34,924
I am happy to be
up in here, Def Jam.
279
00:14:34,961 --> 00:14:36,831
I'm happy to be here.
I tell you that right now.
280
00:14:38,573 --> 00:14:40,313
Yes.
281
00:14:40,357 --> 00:14:42,447
For a different reason
than to be on this show
282
00:14:42,490 --> 00:14:43,750
and a little notoriety,
283
00:14:43,795 --> 00:14:45,275
I'm lookin' for
a motherfucker.
284
00:14:49,453 --> 00:14:51,633
I'm lookin' for Barry White.
285
00:14:51,673 --> 00:14:54,853
That fat fuck
owes me child support.
286
00:14:54,894 --> 00:14:56,554
I ain't bullshittin'.
Barry White made me fuck...
287
00:14:56,591 --> 00:14:58,161
That's why I got kids now.
288
00:14:58,201 --> 00:15:00,641
And have you got...
You have any little kids?
289
00:15:00,682 --> 00:15:03,162
Any women. How many women here
have children by applause?
290
00:15:03,990 --> 00:15:05,030
Any?
291
00:15:05,078 --> 00:15:06,598
How many you have, baby?
292
00:15:06,644 --> 00:15:09,264
Two? Did you have natural
childbirth or drugs?
293
00:15:09,299 --> 00:15:10,739
I had drugs.Drugs?
294
00:15:10,779 --> 00:15:12,869
My wife said she was
not gonna take drugs.
295
00:15:12,912 --> 00:15:14,222
Every day for nine months,
296
00:15:14,261 --> 00:15:16,131
"Hey, I'm not takin'
any drugs. Mm-mmm.
297
00:15:16,176 --> 00:15:19,696
"I'm havin' this child natural
'cause baby, I'm a woman.
298
00:15:19,744 --> 00:15:22,104
"I want to feel everything,
experience it all."
299
00:15:23,052 --> 00:15:24,792
Shit.
300
00:15:24,836 --> 00:15:26,096
On the way to the hospital,
301
00:15:26,142 --> 00:15:28,012
she was stoppin'
drug dealers on the street.
302
00:15:29,929 --> 00:15:32,629
Cost me $85 tryin'
to get her to a hospital.
303
00:15:32,670 --> 00:15:36,020
We were smokin' weed,
doin' acid.
304
00:15:36,065 --> 00:15:38,455
Renee and the little fucker,
boo-bee-da boo-boo-boo.
305
00:15:39,460 --> 00:15:40,550
Now we have the baddest...
306
00:15:40,591 --> 00:15:42,641
It's hard raisin' kids now.
307
00:15:42,680 --> 00:15:44,510
See, I ain't talkin'
about what I heard about,
308
00:15:44,552 --> 00:15:46,032
I'm tellin' you
about what I know.
309
00:15:46,075 --> 00:15:48,155
Hard raisin' their ass now
in the '90's
310
00:15:48,208 --> 00:15:51,598
'cause now we have to do
this psychological bullshit. "Time out."
311
00:15:54,388 --> 00:15:58,648
"Count up to ten." Yeah,
my mother practiced time-out,
312
00:15:58,696 --> 00:16:00,786
when she got tired of whoopin'
my ass, she took a break.
313
00:16:03,963 --> 00:16:05,533
Take care, Def Jam.
See you later.
314
00:16:05,573 --> 00:16:06,843
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]
315
00:16:09,707 --> 00:16:11,097
[MUSIC PLAYING]
316
00:16:16,671 --> 00:16:18,281
Oh, yeah.
317
00:16:18,325 --> 00:16:20,145
How's everybody doin'?
318
00:16:20,196 --> 00:16:24,106
Hell yeah. Yeah, yeah.
319
00:16:24,157 --> 00:16:25,847
You know, I go out
and do things, you know,
320
00:16:25,897 --> 00:16:27,377
since I'm makin' some money.
I'm a multi-thousand'aire
321
00:16:27,421 --> 00:16:30,251
by the way, multi-thousand.[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
322
00:16:36,865 --> 00:16:38,205
I used to be
a multi-hundred'aire,
323
00:16:38,258 --> 00:16:39,998
so I'm doin' good
as a motherfucker.
324
00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:42,440
Multi-dollar'aire.
325
00:16:43,785 --> 00:16:46,825
Multi-thousand'aire.
326
00:16:46,875 --> 00:16:48,355
Shit, I'm gettin' everything
I wanted in life.
327
00:16:48,398 --> 00:16:50,048
When you young, you know,
you be wanting shit.
328
00:16:50,096 --> 00:16:53,056
I wanted me a fireplace
in my house, I got me a fireplace.
329
00:16:53,099 --> 00:16:55,139
[SCATTERED APLAUSE]My fire...
Thank you very much.
330
00:16:55,188 --> 00:16:57,538
Applause on the fireplace.
Yeah, brother, it's beautiful.
331
00:16:59,148 --> 00:17:01,978
My fireplace is on
twenty-four hours a day.
332
00:17:02,021 --> 00:17:04,331
I don't let that
motherfucker go out.
333
00:17:04,371 --> 00:17:07,071
Get up in the morning,
throw some wood on my fire.
334
00:17:07,113 --> 00:17:09,513
We had a heat wave
recently, it was about
335
00:17:09,550 --> 00:17:11,330
eighty-five degrees outside,
336
00:17:11,378 --> 00:17:13,158
in my house, 262.
337
00:17:13,206 --> 00:17:14,556
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
338
00:17:17,645 --> 00:17:19,685
Okay, we gonna continue.
339
00:17:19,734 --> 00:17:21,084
From Dayton, Ohio.
340
00:17:21,127 --> 00:17:23,867
His third appearance
on Def Comedy Jam.
341
00:17:23,912 --> 00:17:26,262
Listen to this name.
I love this name, 100%.
342
00:17:26,306 --> 00:17:28,216
Brother Mystro. Come on.
343
00:17:28,264 --> 00:17:30,144
[MUSIC PLAYING]
344
00:17:34,270 --> 00:17:36,710
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
345
00:17:44,324 --> 00:17:45,334
[MUSIC STOPS]
346
00:17:46,413 --> 00:17:48,723
Aight?AUDIENCE: Aight.
347
00:17:48,763 --> 00:17:50,203
First of all, for those
that ain't hip,
348
00:17:50,243 --> 00:17:51,553
let me introduce
myself properly.
349
00:17:51,592 --> 00:17:53,552
I'm Mystro,
the one double-O
350
00:17:53,594 --> 00:17:57,344
M-Y-S to the T-R-O
ask your great grandmama if you don't know.
351
00:17:57,380 --> 00:17:59,560
With that type of shit, I'm
the original, 100% brother,
352
00:17:59,600 --> 00:18:01,470
and you just don't
become 100%, nigga.
353
00:18:01,515 --> 00:18:04,075
You got to go through levels.
354
00:18:04,126 --> 00:18:05,816
And since I'm
the original one double-O,
355
00:18:05,867 --> 00:18:07,647
I'm here to teach
the motherfuckers
356
00:18:07,695 --> 00:18:09,905
that need to know
that 50% is who I'm talkin' about,
357
00:18:09,958 --> 00:18:11,568
because there's some
50% of motherfuckers in here,
358
00:18:11,612 --> 00:18:13,882
because I can smell them.
359
00:18:13,918 --> 00:18:15,358
Then them nigga's would
have the knowledge
360
00:18:15,398 --> 00:18:16,918
they supposed to have,
always fuckin' shit up
361
00:18:16,965 --> 00:18:18,005
for the rest of us.
362
00:18:18,836 --> 00:18:20,746
Aight?
363
00:18:20,795 --> 00:18:22,355
They be followin' me around
the country, trying to sneak in my seminar
364
00:18:22,405 --> 00:18:24,795
and decipher my shit.
365
00:18:24,842 --> 00:18:28,192
Try to take it back
to 50% headquarters and break the code.
366
00:18:28,237 --> 00:18:29,847
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
367
00:18:29,891 --> 00:18:32,111
Aight.
368
00:18:32,154 --> 00:18:33,984
I went in a club
a couple of weeks ago,
369
00:18:34,025 --> 00:18:36,415
got a grown-ass man
sittin' in the club
370
00:18:36,463 --> 00:18:37,813
wearing a tuxedo
371
00:18:37,855 --> 00:18:41,375
in the bathroom
handin' people shit.
372
00:18:41,424 --> 00:18:45,174
I'm lookin' at this nigga
like, "Nigga, what happened?
373
00:18:45,211 --> 00:18:47,431
"What the fuck?
You should have stayed awake in high school.
374
00:18:47,474 --> 00:18:50,264
"Nigga, what happened?
375
00:18:50,303 --> 00:18:53,393
"How you get a job handin' out
shit in the bathroom
376
00:18:54,307 --> 00:18:56,697
"wearing a tuxedo?
377
00:18:56,744 --> 00:18:59,574
"Nigga, don't nobody care if
you dressed up for this shit."
378
00:19:01,009 --> 00:19:03,399
Then the nigga tryin' to
be too goddamn helpful,
379
00:19:03,446 --> 00:19:07,576
I'm on the toilet, this nigga
stickin' paper under the door and shit.
380
00:19:07,624 --> 00:19:09,804
I'm like, "Goddamn!"
381
00:19:09,844 --> 00:19:12,064
I'm like, "Nigga, beat it!
382
00:19:12,107 --> 00:19:16,237
"I been shittin' by myself
since I was two, beat it."
383
00:19:16,285 --> 00:19:18,415
Damn, this nigga had so
much shit on the counter,
384
00:19:18,461 --> 00:19:20,641
I thought I walked
into a nigga's house.
385
00:19:20,681 --> 00:19:22,731
He got cologne, peanuts,
386
00:19:22,770 --> 00:19:25,470
a big-ass bowl
of Halloween candy and shit.
387
00:19:25,512 --> 00:19:27,472
[LAUGHTER]
388
00:19:27,514 --> 00:19:29,344
Who knows. I'm on my way
back to the club,
389
00:19:29,385 --> 00:19:30,515
because you know the one dub,
390
00:19:30,560 --> 00:19:32,300
I like to keep
my breath tight.
391
00:19:32,345 --> 00:19:34,295
I take one of
they nigga mints, right?
392
00:19:34,347 --> 00:19:35,647
He over in the corner...
393
00:19:35,696 --> 00:19:39,266
[CLEARS THROAT MOCKINGLY]
394
00:19:39,308 --> 00:19:40,348
[LAUGHTER]
395
00:19:40,396 --> 00:19:41,956
[CONTINUES CLEARING THROAT]
396
00:19:42,877 --> 00:19:44,007
I'm like, "Nigga, what?"
397
00:19:44,052 --> 00:19:46,882
"Uh... That'll be a dollar."
398
00:19:46,924 --> 00:19:49,414
I'm like,
"Nigga, it's the bathroom!
399
00:19:49,449 --> 00:19:52,449
"Ain't nobody buyin'
and eatin' in the goddamn bathroom.
400
00:19:52,495 --> 00:19:55,795
"I be the... Caught hepatitis
eating some shit in here.
401
00:19:55,846 --> 00:19:57,846
"Who the fuck told you
to set up a snack shop
402
00:19:57,892 --> 00:19:59,892
"in the toilet
any goddamn way?"
403
00:19:59,937 --> 00:20:01,327
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
404
00:20:01,374 --> 00:20:04,034
Shit! "Nigga, take your mint!"
405
00:20:04,072 --> 00:20:05,072
[SPITS]
406
00:20:08,163 --> 00:20:11,213
Fuckin' around,
you know the one dub. I ain't having it.
407
00:20:12,036 --> 00:20:15,686
Bullshit, damn.
408
00:20:15,736 --> 00:20:17,996
Some motherfuckers just
be lunchin' though with their job.
409
00:20:18,042 --> 00:20:19,522
Man, and then they try
to put bullshit on TV
410
00:20:19,566 --> 00:20:21,176
like we stupid and shit.
411
00:20:21,220 --> 00:20:23,000
I was watchin' some shit
the other day,
412
00:20:23,047 --> 00:20:25,527
y'all see that shit
that was on Fox, called When Animals Attack?
413
00:20:25,572 --> 00:20:26,572
Whoo!
414
00:20:27,051 --> 00:20:28,621
Nigga!
415
00:20:28,662 --> 00:20:31,712
I called the network
and ordered the tape.
416
00:20:31,752 --> 00:20:34,712
That shit was comedy.
417
00:20:34,755 --> 00:20:38,405
Y'all see the lady that got
attacked by the bear?
418
00:20:38,454 --> 00:20:41,894
Nigga, for those of y'all
that didn't see it, I got to reenact this shit.
419
00:20:41,936 --> 00:20:45,106
Serious, that shit.
420
00:20:45,156 --> 00:20:47,376
Motherfuckers,
some motherfuckers...
421
00:20:47,420 --> 00:20:49,940
You know that I ain't no
British motherfucker.
422
00:20:49,987 --> 00:20:51,077
Hold on.
423
00:20:51,119 --> 00:20:52,429
[WOMEN CHEERING]
424
00:20:55,558 --> 00:20:57,298
Hold up though. Hold up.
425
00:20:57,343 --> 00:20:59,263
We can talk about that shit
later. I got to hurry up.
426
00:21:00,998 --> 00:21:02,608
You noticed wasn't no brothers
427
00:21:02,652 --> 00:21:04,312
gettin' attacked
on that motherfucker?
428
00:21:04,350 --> 00:21:06,960
Because we don't be
fuckin' with animals.
429
00:21:07,004 --> 00:21:10,094
That's white people tryin'
to be Tarzan and shit.
430
00:21:10,138 --> 00:21:12,138
They at the zoo with their
hand all up in the cage
431
00:21:12,183 --> 00:21:14,753
tryin' to get the bear
to come over to they monkey ass.
432
00:21:14,795 --> 00:21:17,705
The bear and they're like,
"Bitch, read the sign.
433
00:21:17,754 --> 00:21:19,454
"Don't fuck with me.
434
00:21:20,496 --> 00:21:23,796
"Damn. Why ain't you gone?
435
00:21:23,847 --> 00:21:26,457
"I don't want to take
no picture. Go home!"
436
00:21:26,502 --> 00:21:29,422
Then as soon as the bear
snatch their ass up in the cage,
437
00:21:29,462 --> 00:21:33,342
they got the bear in court
on some trumped-up charges and shit.
438
00:21:33,379 --> 00:21:35,639
He's like, "Your Honor, what
I'm supposed to do, right?
439
00:21:35,685 --> 00:21:38,465
"She got her hand all up
in a nigga face, right?
440
00:21:38,514 --> 00:21:41,434
"Tauntin' a motherfucker up
per se if you will, Your Honor."
441
00:21:42,649 --> 00:21:44,129
[CHUCKLING] You know?
442
00:21:44,172 --> 00:21:45,352
This motherfucker,
the lady though,
443
00:21:45,391 --> 00:21:47,131
she sittin'
in a TV studio right?
444
00:21:47,175 --> 00:21:49,955
She got on her little Sunday
go-to-meeting dress, right?
445
00:21:50,004 --> 00:21:51,534
She had this shit
up to the neck.
446
00:21:51,571 --> 00:21:53,751
She got her eyes closed.
447
00:21:53,790 --> 00:21:57,230
Nigga, that's a problem.
'Cause it was a bear right here.
448
00:21:57,272 --> 00:21:58,882
Seven feet.
449
00:21:58,926 --> 00:22:01,666
A nigga would have been
watchin' the bear like this.
450
00:22:01,711 --> 00:22:04,191
All right, she's sittin' there
with her eyes closed, just happy.
451
00:22:04,235 --> 00:22:08,365
The bear turned
over here, this motherfucker got on a karate suit.
452
00:22:08,414 --> 00:22:10,814
Nigga, strike one,
453
00:22:10,851 --> 00:22:14,461
because obviously he
expected some trouble in this motherfucker.
454
00:22:14,507 --> 00:22:18,027
You know, he know the bear
ain't friendly and shit.
455
00:22:18,075 --> 00:22:19,855
Then he got a little-ass
chain on the bear
456
00:22:19,903 --> 00:22:23,173
like he walking a Chihuahua
or some shit.
457
00:22:23,211 --> 00:22:25,691
He feedin' the bear
Scooby snacks and shit,
458
00:22:25,735 --> 00:22:27,215
and the bear
was chilling at first.
459
00:22:27,258 --> 00:22:28,648
He was happy
to be on TV like,
460
00:22:28,695 --> 00:22:31,735
"What's up, nigga?
Smokey smoke, nigga.
461
00:22:31,785 --> 00:22:34,305
"Yeah! Nigga, I done came up.
462
00:22:34,353 --> 00:22:38,013
"Nigga fuck that circus,
I done came up. Shit."
463
00:22:38,052 --> 00:22:40,972
You know, he was eatin',
and just to show you how smart animals are,
464
00:22:41,011 --> 00:22:44,491
before he attacked the lady,
he turned around and looked at her ass.
465
00:22:44,537 --> 00:22:46,017
That motherfucker
stopped eating,
466
00:22:46,060 --> 00:22:47,760
he was like, "Bitch,
I'm about sick of you."
467
00:22:47,801 --> 00:22:49,541
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
468
00:22:49,585 --> 00:22:51,015
That motherfucker
turned back around,
469
00:22:51,065 --> 00:22:53,195
put his hand in his bear
pocket and shit...
470
00:22:53,241 --> 00:22:55,641
Then he just turned around
and stole on her ass.
471
00:22:55,678 --> 00:22:57,418
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
472
00:22:57,463 --> 00:22:59,863
She was like,
"Somethin' ain't right. Somethin' ain't right.
473
00:22:59,900 --> 00:23:01,510
"Something ain't right."
474
00:23:01,554 --> 00:23:03,344
Goddamn.
475
00:23:03,382 --> 00:23:04,952
And the cameraman
didn't start him over
476
00:23:04,992 --> 00:23:07,562
like, "See, this is fucked up.
477
00:23:07,603 --> 00:23:10,653
"This is how motherfuckers
get killed right here.
478
00:23:10,693 --> 00:23:12,573
"This don't make
no kind of sense.
479
00:23:13,304 --> 00:23:14,784
"Damn!"
480
00:23:14,828 --> 00:23:16,868
Nigga.
481
00:23:16,917 --> 00:23:19,087
But the saddest part though,
the saddest part was
482
00:23:19,136 --> 00:23:21,696
was Peanut
the African elephant.
483
00:23:21,748 --> 00:23:23,658
Because he was tryin'
to escape from the circus.
484
00:23:23,706 --> 00:23:25,226
That motherfucker
was a true African going for his freedom,
485
00:23:25,273 --> 00:23:27,583
I felt for that nigga,
you know?
486
00:23:27,623 --> 00:23:30,973
He was tired of doin' tricks
for the white man and shit.
487
00:23:31,018 --> 00:23:34,238
It was like he was
on the phone with Minister Farrakhan before the show.
488
00:23:34,282 --> 00:23:37,022
He be like,
"What? I'm supposed to be getting paid for this shit?
489
00:23:37,067 --> 00:23:39,197
"Oh, it's gonna be
some changes tonight.
490
00:23:39,243 --> 00:23:41,593
"Yeah. Yeah, nigga,
watch the news."
491
00:23:41,637 --> 00:23:44,067
Peanut goin' off
on this motherfucker.
492
00:23:44,118 --> 00:23:47,728
"Yeah. Yeah, no, no.
493
00:23:47,774 --> 00:23:49,214
"I ain't havin' it.
Fuck the big top.
494
00:23:49,253 --> 00:23:51,043
"Nigga, fuck the big top."
495
00:23:51,081 --> 00:23:53,821
Man, that little motherfucker
with the Elvis jumpsuit
496
00:23:53,867 --> 00:23:55,517
smacked Peanut in the knee,
497
00:23:55,564 --> 00:23:57,224
Peanut picked
that motherfucker up like...
498
00:23:57,261 --> 00:23:59,131
[GRUNTS]
499
00:23:59,176 --> 00:24:01,436
Then he came down
with the head butt, pow, nigga, yeah!
500
00:24:01,483 --> 00:24:03,313
Then the white people
started runnin' right,
501
00:24:03,354 --> 00:24:04,924
because they knew
that wasn't part of the show, right?
502
00:24:04,965 --> 00:24:06,655
[LAUGHTER]
503
00:24:06,706 --> 00:24:09,226
The niggas was sittin' there
like, "That shit was tight!
504
00:24:09,273 --> 00:24:11,583
"That shit was tight.
505
00:24:11,624 --> 00:24:15,724
"Damn, that motherfucker
really looked hurt too, yo."
506
00:24:15,758 --> 00:24:18,498
Man, white people runnin'
and Peanut bein' a true African right,
507
00:24:18,544 --> 00:24:20,984
he looking around like "Okay,
now my chance to sneak out
508
00:24:21,024 --> 00:24:23,944
"and blend in with
these motherfuckers, right?"
509
00:24:23,984 --> 00:24:26,384
This nigga runnin' down
the street with the people.
510
00:24:26,421 --> 00:24:29,951
He got his toenails painted,
big-ass hat on,
511
00:24:29,990 --> 00:24:32,650
tryin' to act like he
wasn't an elephant killin' motherfucker.
512
00:24:32,688 --> 00:24:36,128
"It's an elephant back there
fuckin' people up!"
513
00:24:36,170 --> 00:24:38,130
Yo, 100%,
I'm Mystro. Peace.
514
00:24:38,172 --> 00:24:40,172
[MUSIC PLAYING]
515
00:24:40,870 --> 00:24:42,350
[CHEERING]
516
00:24:52,491 --> 00:24:54,541
All right, thank you.
517
00:24:54,580 --> 00:24:56,670
Let's hear it for
Russel Simmons, the man himself.
518
00:24:57,539 --> 00:25:00,279
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
519
00:25:00,324 --> 00:25:02,504
Thank you for coming out.
God bless you. Good night.
520
00:25:04,241 --> 00:25:05,981
[MUSIC PLAYING]
521
00:25:06,031 --> 00:25:10,581
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