All language subtitles for Def Comedy Jam s07e09.eng

KID CAPRI: It's the
Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

I am your man,
the world's greatest DJ, the Kid Capri.

With your host...

Tonight's guests...

Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the stage, my man

Mr. George Wallace.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING][MUSIC PLAYING]

What up, L.A.?[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

What up, L.A.?[AUDIENCE CHEERING LOUDLY]

All right, this is going on.
I love L.A.

But y'all got the longest
streets in the world here.[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Got a street here
called Sepulveda.

I think it starts in Mexico
and just keeps goin'.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I was in Zurich, Switzerland
yesterday, asked the people

where your best chocolate
shop in town is?

They said make a left
on Sepulveda.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I'm so happy
to be here, greetings from Atlanta, Georgia.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Let me tell y'all now,

when you go down to Atlanta,
all you need to know are three phrases

to carry on
a decent conversation.

Three phrases.
All you need to know is,

"I know that's right."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"You got that right."

"I heard that."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

That's all you need to know
when you go to Atlanta.

I'm from there and they got
country people down there, and I got a country uncle.

Uncle Bo. Anybody got
a crazy uncle that

will ask you a question
and answer it at the same time?

How y'all get up here? Walk?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]

What your mama send you
up here for, some sugar?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

How come
it's so hot in here? Y'all got the heat on?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

What color y'all
paintin' this room? Blue?

Who preachin' Sunday?
Reverend Johnson?

It's crazy on this side.

Well let me
tell you something,

it's good being
from the south.

I have nothing
against you northerners,

but we southerners
was brought up a little different down south.

Our parents kicked our butt.
Some of you know what I'm talkin' about.

People don't respect
each other anymore.[APPLAUSE]

People don't speak
to each other anymore.

We used to have to walk
down the street with both hands in the air.

Hey.

Hey.

An older person
sitting on the porch,

you didn't speak to them,
they would stop you, wouldn't they?

"Ain't you
Diggo Wallace's son?" "Yes, ma'am."

"Don't you see me
sittin' up here?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]"Yes, ma'am."

"Well, what you gonna do?"

Hey.

It's different these days.
Look at the kids now, kids don't even fight anymore.

We used to be kids,
we hit each other side the head with a rock.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]Three hours later,
we'd be friends again.

Look at the new kids today.
They don't...

You don't see kids
fight anymore, do you?

Shoot each other dead, bam.

Three hours later, ain't got
nobody to play with.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

That's why I agree
with President Clinton on this curfew.

Kids need to be
at home after midnight.

After midnight,
as old as we are,

we lookin'
for a little trouble ourself.[APPLAUSE]

Like my grandmama used to say,
"Nothing open after midnight but the hospital and legs."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[LAUGHS]

I used to come home late,
my mama, "Where you been?"

"Well, I ain't been
to the hospital."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Every time you turn around,
the government is wasting our money.

Like this tomb
of the unknown soldier.

Every holiday they put
a wreath on the tomb of the unknown soldier.

How many millions of dollars
have we spent on these flowers?

Why don't they just open up
that tomb and find out who the hell this guy is?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

The government continues
to waste our money.

Just last month they spent
$3 million on a wildlife survey.

Said there's only 250
white rhinoceroses left in the world.

Only 250 white...

What the hell do I care...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

About how many rhinoceroses
left in the world?

On the other hand,
if they came back

and told me there's only
15 chickens left...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

We got a major problem
on our hand here.

What can I do to chip in
on this research?

If somebody told me
there's only 15 chickens left, I got to go.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Y'all laughin', but you be
right behind me.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I love chicken.
Always did love chicken.

My mother tried
to breast-feed me,

I told her,
"Get those breasts out of my face.

"Go get me some chicken."

[LAUGHING]

A chicken has a bad life.

You never even see
a dead chicken

layin' on the side
of the road, do you?[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Dead dogs, everything,
you never see a dead chicken out there.

A lot of things
you never see.

You never see Blockbuster
Video stores being built.

[SCATTERED LAUGHTER]Mmm-mmm.

You never see Blockbuster
Video stores being built.

You just driving
down the street and go,

"Hey, when they
put that over there."

[LAUGHING]

A lot of things
you never see.

You never see
homeless people in the country.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I saw a homeless guy
right here in Los Angeles just the other day,

down and out, rejected
and dejected in every way.

[STUTTERS] And I never saw
anybody like this before.

I know for a fact I am
the most blessed person on this planet,

and sometimes
when you're blessed

you got to give back,
you know what I mean?

I wrote him a check
for $1,000 right there on the spot.

I don't want y'all to applaud
or anything like that 'cause when he walked off,

I called and reported
that check stolen.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And if my mind
serves me right,

when he goes
to cash that check,

he's gonna get free room
and board for six months.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And the way I look at it,
he's taken care of, I'm not out of $1,000.

Everybody's happy.

I know I need to go
to jail for saying a lot of things I said tonight.

A lot of people
need to go to jail.

You know who needs
to go to jail?

People that pass you
on the freeway,

and then go slower
than you were going?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND APPLAUDING]

These people need
to go to jail.

A lot of people need
to go to jail.

People that have these
answering machines

that trick you into thinking
that they're there?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You know you call them,
they pick up and say, "Hello?"

And you start talking?

"I'm not home right now,
call me back later."

These people need
to go to jail.

People that... In the
grocery line, pay for a loaf of bread with a check.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Need to go to jail.

Write out a check
for a dollar and 29 cents,

then we got to stand there
and wait for the manager

to come over
and approve the check.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I can approve a dollar
twenty-nine cents check.

A lot of people
need to go to jail.

Dionne Warwick.

[SCATTERED LAUGHTER]

She and her psychic friends
need to go to jail.

How come she don't ask them
when she gonna have another hit?

[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS]

Yeah, I said it.

I did that joke on
The Tonight Show,

she called me the next day,
she said, "I didn't think that was so funny."

I said, "Well, a lot
of other people did."[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And then I told her,
"If y'all so good,

"how come y'all ain't calling
me before I did the joke?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[WHISTLING AND CHEERING]

Yeah.

We're laughing,
but Dionne is making $6 million a month,

and if they ask me
to do it,

I'm gonna be standing
right next to her.[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I'm talkin' about all these
people need to go to jail,

and you know what else,
that's why I think

everybody in this country
should have been a midget.

This would be a much,
much better country

if everybody was a midget.
Did you know that?

Midgets don't give anybody
any kind of trouble or anything like that.

When was the last time
you seen a midget on America's Most Wanted?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Midgets are good people,
everybody should have been a midget.

Midgets don't cut you off
in traffic, giving you the finger.

Well, they do,
but you can't see them,

you know what
I'm talkin' about?

[LAUGHING]

Midgets have good jobs.

Did y'all know that?
Most of them.

You never see them
at the unemployment office.

Most of them work
at the grocery store, did you know that?

Yeah. You know when you put
your food across that scanner?

Well, they underneath there
adding that stuff up.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

This is Def Comedy Jam.

In Los Angeles, HBO.[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Home of black opportunity.

How about another hand
for the kid over here?

Are you ready
to keep laughing?

You ready to keep laughing?

From New York City, New York.

Second time
on the Def Comedy Jam.

Give it up for Mike Epps,
everybody. Come on, Mike Epps.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING][MUSIC PLAYING]

All right,
all right, all right.

MAN: All right?

[AUDIENCE CLAPPING
RHYTHMICALLY]

Hey, yo ass, how y'all doin'?

How you all...
All right, cut it.

Cut it, motherfuckers![SCATTERED LAUGHTER]

You always trying
to start a party.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

There's gonna be nothin'
but these little old players walking around.

I hate when them old niggas
be comin' to the club

with them tight-ass,
little Easter suits on.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Pulled all up in their nuts
tryin' to get young girls.

Hey baby, you got layaway
or something I can help you pay on,

or condos or something?

Well, bitch, fuck you then.

Kiss my ass.

You ever see them old niggas
have a cigarette

in their mouth
be diggin' for a knife.

"Bitch, I'll cut you
in your goddamn face. You're gonna get nothin'.

[MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY]

"I will beat your ass."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[CHUCKLES]

Motherfucker.

They can see
when a punch coming,

you know what I mean,
white boys?

They can see
when a punch coming.

But I will fuck with
white boys, 'cause I get in financial crunches.

And there ain't nothing like
being in a financial crunch

and having a white friend
in your life.

Have a nigger friend in your
life and be in a financial crunch.

Your black ass just be
in a crunch.

[LAUGHING]

Damn, I'm broke.

Hey, you borrow money
from a white boy and no never give it back.

"Hey, Billy Ray, you got
$20 I could borrow?

"Goddamn it, Joe, you owe
me $80, but here, shit."

Give me money.

You ever see them white boys
want to whoop your ass,

and know they can't,
just makin' face noise.

[GRUNTS]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"What the fuck you doin'
all that for? What you gonna do?"

"Nothing."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]"Why not?"

"Because I don't
fucking want to."

You get close to smacking them
they could see your hand.

"I see your fucking hand.

"No, 'cause
I see your fucking hand trying to hit me in my face.

"Cause I know
how you guys are.

"Goddamn."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING]

You know, there'd be a lot
of older people in here

that don't like the shit
that we talk about,

but y'all done the same shit
we done when y'all was little. I know you did.

My grandmother got 13 kids
by four different men,

she can't tell me she ain't
never sucked a dick before. I know she had.

[LAUGHING]

Oh, what?
It's the truth.

When you get around
your grandmama,

just analyze her lips.
and think about what I said.

Get enough nerve,
raise up and say,

"Grandma, you sucked
a dick before."[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Ain't never done
no shit like that,

"you play
too motherfuckin' much.

"Well, I did
suck a dick in 1932, but that's been years ago."

"But your breath
smells dicky."

"You better get out
of my damn house."

[LAUGHTER][MAN CHEERS]

You ever seen a nigger
with a dead eye,

you be trying to look in the
good eye and talk to him?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I see your dead-eyed
ass, motherfucker.

Get back.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Get your motherfuckin'
ass back.

[LAUGHING]

Get your big ass... Fuck,
[INAUDIBLE] motherfucker...

[MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY]

[AUDIENCE WHOOPING]

I fell like a mother...
[EXCLAIMS]

[LAUGHING]

You ever see a fat
motherfucker like that be in the club be snoring,

don't even need
to be asleep. [IMITATES BREATHING COARSELY]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

What the fuck wrong
with you, fat mother...

[IMITATES BREATHING COARSELY]
"I'm tired."

"Bitch, you need to go home,
go to sleep."

[LAUGHTER]

I be seeing a lot of fat
motherfuckers with beepers.

What are y'all dealing?
Sandwiches or something around this motherfucker?

Like the police pulled
two fat niggers over

and look in the trunk.
They got a kilo of ham,

two ounces of potato chips,
a pound of bread.

[CHUCKLING]

You ever seen
a little crippled nigger?

You ever seen a little,
cripple drug dealer?[SCATTERED LAUGHTER]

And the police chase him.
[GRUNTS]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING] And the police
grab that arm, try to handcuff him.

[GRUNTING AND SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING INDISTINCTLY]

Why do niggers in the projects
always run down low with the pistol like this?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I'm Mike Epps,
God bless y'all.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING][MUSIC PLAYING]

All right. All right.

From Detroit, Michigan,
won't you please welcome Coco?

Coco.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING][MUSIC PLAYING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND WHISTLING]

What's up?

AUDIENCE: What's up?

Y'all know I got some things
goin' on in my life.

Don't worry about it,
I ain't gonna shoot nobody.

I ain't gonna stick nobody up.

But I feel there's
a group of people...

[SCATTERED LAUGHTER]

No, no, no wait a minute.
Hold on.

I feel we should be able
to stick together.

I feel we should be able
to communicate with one another,

you know what I'm saying?[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

'Cause see,
it's too much going on.

Old crazy shit.

People shooting people.
You know what I'm saying?

It's, it's too fucked up.
It's just too fucked up.

And I really, really think
we just, you know...

[CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

[AUDIENCE WHOOPING]

Cheers.

Little titty women,
don't try that shit at home.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You will be cut
the fuck up, all right?

That's a big girl trick,
you know what I'm sayin'?

See, I ain't scared
of the bigness.

There's a lot of people big,
they all scared, all fucked up in their mind.

I ain't scared,

'cause I have come to realize
I got a soul body.

Oh, I got a soul body.

I know my titties
ain't gonna never sit up like apples on my chest.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

When I lay in the bed
butt naked,

I understand that
my titties gonna fall up

under my arms like I got two
baldhead brothers in a headlock.

[LAUGHING]

Big girls,

let that old, crazy,
media-induced insanity go.

Accept your body.

We could be sexy.
Hell, yeah.

Big girls, go out
and get you some lingerie.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Get you a teddy.
If you too big, get a grizzly. What I'm saying is...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Fellas, a round of applause,
how many of y'all got a girlfriend?

[LAUGHING]

How many of y'all
got a woman?

Oh, it's a difference.
Let me, let me... Let me tell y'all.

Fellas, a girlfriend will take
your car out and total it. Tear it up.

But a woman
would work overtime

to help you get
that car fixed.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUD]

Fellas, a girlfriend
will tell you that your drawers are raggity,

and you really, really need
to quit washing them raggity-ass drawers

in my washing machine.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

But a woman would go
to Target, Hudson's, Sears

and buy your punk ass
some drawers.

Fellas, a girlfriend would
look at you in your eye.

She might even shed a tear,

and she will tell you
she has never, ever, ever done this before.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And a woman swallows.[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

My name is Coco, y'all,
peace out.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING][MUSIC PLAYING]

L.A., Def Comedy JamL.A.

From New York, New York,
let's give it up for Greer Barnes.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING][MUSIC PLAYING]

Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you. Thank you everybody.

I'm happy to be here
out in L.A.

Nice place.
I've been out here once or twice before.

I noticed there was
a lot of cops outside.

They were actually talking
about implementing a plan

to give 18%
of the cops in the United States

horses to patrol
the city on.

Oh, yeah, just make
a brother feel like he on a plantation, huh?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I'm just waiting for one
of them to roll up on me.

[IMITATES HOOVES TAPPING]

[SCATTERED LAUGHTER]

"Where you going, boy?"

[PRETENDS TO SPIT]

So I could just look at him.
"Nowhere, sir.

"Mr. Lincoln says I's free.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"I thought we had
this shit covered."

[CHUCKLES][AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I'm glad y'all laughing, man.

'Cause I did a show
last night in New York,

nobody fucking laughed,
you know?

Yeah. I mean, they were
all from France, but what the fuck, you know?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

There was this French woman
sitting in the corner last night

just raising hell
throughout the entire show, just talking shit.

[IN FRENCH ACCENT]
"Oh, don't give to me shit,

"I didn't want to come here
in the first place."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"To get peace for what?

"I don't understand
what the brown man is talking about."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[CHUCKLES]

[GRUFFLY] They're French.

Who gives a fuck?

[NORMAL]
Well, Mike Tyson lost, that's too bad.

I felt bad about that.

Yeah.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I don't know, I felt bad.

Yeah, I asked him,
"Mike, what happened?"

He's like,
"Well, I mean, he hit me with a couple of lefts.

"And he hit me with a right,

"and I saw stars,
and green clovers and stuff."

[LAUGHTER]

I once overheard
this woman say she hoped

Mike got manhandled
while he was in jail.

Who gonna manhandle Mike?[SCATTERED LAUGHTER]

Arnold Schwarzenegger
wouldn't fuck with Mike.

You could throw them in a cell
together for two years.

[AS ARNOLD]
"Michael..."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[AS MIKE]
"What is it, Arnold?"

"Michael, we've been
in this cell together for two and a half years."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[STUTTERS] "What are you
getting at, Arnold?"

"Michael, listen to me.

"I can take you places
you have never been before." [CHUCKLES]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I was hanging out
with my nephew, Brandon,

we was watching
VH1 or something.

They had all these
Michael Jackson videos on.

My nephew loves
Michael Jackson, you know.

I tried to show him one
of Michael Jackson's old album covers

when he's with
The Jackson 5.

I was like,
"Yo, man, this is Mike."

"Uh-uh, that's not Mike."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"This is Mike."

"No, that's Barbara Streisand,
this is Mike."

But my nephew couldn't grasp
the point, you know?

Then I look at how OJ
had all these celebrity lawyers.

They should've had a celebrity
interrogate Michael Jackson, you know what I mean?

Somebody like
Robert De Niro. Why not?

Bobby would have walked
into the room, nice and easy.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[IMITATING ROBERT DE NIRO]
"How you doin', Mikey?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Can I ask you somethin'?

"Did you touch his nuts?"
[LAUGHS][AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[IMITATES SLAPPING]

"Don't cry, Mike."

Then you got all these
anti-drug commercials and it's always marijuana.

Like marijuana's the drug
that's really fucking us up.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You smoke a joint,
what happens?

You forget shit,
and you get hungry.

Ooh.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Don't want to get too hungry.

Hungry like brothers
are smokin' joints,

getting the munchies,
goin' out, robbing Keebler Elf houses and shit.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Out in the park,
harassing trees. Just... [IMITATES KICKING]

I know you in there,
little elf man.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Just tell us which tree
y'all keep the cookies in.

[CHUCKLES]
I gotta go. Peace, L.A.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING][MUSIC PLAYING]

He brought it to us!
Russell Simmons.

Thank you for coming out.
God bless you, good night.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING][MUSIC PLAYING]

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