All language subtitles for Def Comedy Jam s07e08.eng

KID CAPRI: It's the
Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

I'm your man,
the world's greatest DJ, the Kid Capri.

With your host...

Tonight's
guests...

Welcome to the stage,
my main man,

D.L. Hughley!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

How y'all doin'?[AUDIENCE CHEERING LOUDLY]

Oh, shit!

Def Jamin L.A.,
where it's supposed to be. Is that right or wrong?

[CHEERING]Yo!

We got white people
in here. Hi... [STAMMERS]

Hey, I ain't fuck with no
white people.

Y'all will blow
a motherfucker up.

Y'all done made some bombs
this year, ain't you?

Blew up the Olympics.
Ain't that a bitch?

I knew niggas ain't done
no shit like that 'cause ain't nobody got shot.

We ain't got time for all
that plotting and planning.

Just gonna bust a cap
and drive the fuck off!

[LAUGHTER]

"What's your plan?"
"Motherfucker, that is my plan.

"Then I'mma drive off
in my momma car.

"That way she fuck around,
catch a case."

Blew up that building
in Oklahoma.

Didn't kill no niggas, though,
'cause y'all blew it up at 9 o' clock sharp.

[APPLAUSE]We was late like
we always is, huh?

We was on the freeway. Boom!

"They done blew up the job.
Ain't that a bitch?

"I'mma call payroll,
make sure my check ain't get fucked up.

"Look under the H's
because I know

"it's smoky in there,
but I need my money."

The unibomber gonna blow
a motherfucker up with a letter bomb.

You ain't gonna kill
no black folk with no letter bomb.

Especially if that letter
look like a bill.

[LAUGHTER]

'Cause black folk
don't even open the letter till it change color.

"That's a red bill!
They ain't bullshittin' now!

"You better pay
or we'll fuck around being in the dark!"

We got Def Jam
in Beverly Hills. Ain't that a bitch?

Niggas making money now.
Ain't that...

We've been making
some money now. Brothers gettin' paid.

See, white folk don't know
how to be poor.

They poor, they break down.
They poor, they live in trailer homes.

[LAUGHTER]We poor,
we live in the projects.

'Cause you can't give
no nigga no house he could drive away in,

not if you want
your rent money.

"I want my money."
"I spent it on gas."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Where you moving?"
"Down the 110, nigga. Down the 110."

We grew up, got one pair
of pajamas supposed to last us our whole fuckin' life.

You remember that?
You were little, they had the feet in 'em.

You grew up,
your mama just cut the fuckin' feet off.

The more you grow,
the more they cut.

You're 12 years old
with pajama boxer shorts on.

[LAUGHTER]

Time you're 18,
you got shit on but a G-string and a tube top.

[LAUGHTER]

"Are you comfortable?"
"Bitch, I'm in a coma.

"You done cut off
my circulation."

Remember that hot water bottle
used to hang behind

everybody mama
bathroom door? [LAUGHS]

Don't act like it was just
my mama house. Fuck y'all!

Had that long white thing
hanging from it, huh?

You didn't even know
what it's for.

You be playing,
"Whoo! This fun!"

[LAUGHTER]

Be trying to blow it up.
[IMITATES BLOWING]

"Tastes like vinegar, huh?
[IMITATES BLOWING]

"Maybe Mama was making
a salad or something!"

Everybody mama had that
fucked up raggedy-ass car.

Remember that?
One long-ass seat.

[LAUGHTER]

She move up, everybody got
to move the fuck up.

"My feet ain't gonna
reach the pedal, baby. We gonna need to move up.

"One, two, three..."
[GRUNTING]

"Are you comfortable?"
"Bitch, I'm in the glove compartment!"

[LAUGHTER]Remember, it would
always cut off at the light?

She had to put it
in neutral. [GRUNTING]

"How you doing,
Ms. Johnson?" "I'm all right."

Halloween was a fucked up
holiday when you was broke,

'cause you never got
the whole costume.

Just the mask.

You walk around
with the mask and your street clothes on,

wondering how come
everybody knew it was you.[LAUGHTER]

'Cause you had that same shit
on at school, that's why.

Everybody wanted to be
a superhero. Remember that?

"I want to be Batman."

And your mama wouldn't
even buy you no cape.

"I ain't got no money
for no goddamn cape.

"Hell, I can make you a cape!

"Go get a clothes pin
and a towel."

You walk around
with that shit bunched up.

"I can't fly with this heavy
motherfucker on![LAUGHTER]

"I've got to walk everywhere!

"I ain't Superman,
I'm Niggaman!" [EXCLAIMS]

Then your mama,
"Don't use my good towel.

"Use this dish towel
right here."

Dish towel this big.
Ain't that a bitch?

Fuck you gonna be a superhero
with a short cape and a duck on your back!

"This is fucked up, I'm..."

You go to people house.[IMITATES DOORBELL RINGING]

"You look so cute!"

"Bitch, you know
I'm fucked up, and I know I'm fucked up.

"Just put the candy in
the bag. I don't need this bullshit from you.

[LAUGHTER]

"Look how my mama got me
out here lookin'. Look..."

You got home,
she always wanted to check the candy,

the Snicker bars,
and the Now And Laters.

"Bitch, check the other shit.

"You can't put no razor blade
in no Skittles![LAUGHTER]

"Check that apple right there,
the fuck you ought to be checking.

"Make me sick!"

That was always your thing.
Remember that? "You make me sick!"

Talkin' under your breath
was the only way you get... "You make me sick!"

"I ought to come back there
and slap the taste out your mouth."

"I wish you would.
I wish you would. I wish you would."

[LAUGHTER]

White kids grew up,
they had Mr. Bubble to take a bath.

Niggas just had Joy.

[LAUGHTER]

[SCOFFS]

You gotta wash your ass
with the same shit she wash dishes with, man.

"Mama, I'm itchin'!"

[LAUGHTER]

"Well, hurry up and bathe
your black ass up, then!

"And don't you let
that water out.

"You know your brother
gotta use it!"

[LAUGHTER]

We never got no new grease
to fry shit up in.

All our grease came
from shit we done fried up before.

Kept it in that coffee can
on the stove, huh?[LAUGHTER]

You will get your natural
ass whipped you throw some grease away.

"Who threw this goddamn
grease away?"

"Mama, I'm tired
of everything tasting like fish!

[LAUGHTER]

"Chicken ain't supposed
to taste like fish!"

You know what, I'd never
want to be over black folk house?

A pet of any type.
'Cause white... White folk love their pets.

Walk 'em, feed 'em every day,
give 'em love and affection.

Niggas liable to forget
they got a pet, huh?[LAUGHTER]

You ever go in there,
"Oh, there's a bird in that motherfucker! I didn't..."

Bird ain't ate in so long,
he got a IV in his arm.

[COUGHING]

"Is I'm gonna get
anything today?"

"No, but you startin'
to look like...

"A lot like a chicken to me.
You know that?

"I'mma start callin' you
two-piece!"

You ever go to a brother
house, fish tank just greener

than a motherfucker...
[CHUCKLES]

Fish swimming around
with a flashlight.

[CHEERING AND LAUGHTER]

"I can't see
a goddamn thing!"

I voted for the first time
in my fuckin' life this year.

I voted for the very
first time, 'cause...[APPLAUSE]

I... I sure enough
wasn't gonna...

I wasn't gonna let Bob Dole
get his old ass into office.

Old half a hand fucker.
You see that? [GROANS]

How you gonna be President?
You can't even press the button.

A war break out...
[IMITATES PRESSING BUTTONS]

"Somebody help me!

"The Russians are at the gate,
goddamn it!"

You see that old motherfucker
falling off stage?

[LAUGHTER]

[EXCLAIMS]

How you gonna balance
the budget you can't balance your goddamn self?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]Fuck up, you old bastard.

I like Bill Clinton.
I like that motherfucker.

Anybody smoked a joint,
fucked around on his wife,

stole money from a bank,
and still became President...

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Is my type of motherfucker!

Everybody want a president
with a little player in him, huh? [CHUCKLES]

"Hey, Bill! Playa, playa!"[LAUGHTER]

We do some shit.
And they always dying dumb.

I don't feel sorry for you.
Died dumb, that's on you.

I don't feel sorry for nary
one of them people in Waco, Texas.

I'm glad they burnt
they stupid asses up. Fuck 'em!

Motherfucker walk around,
talkin' 'bout he Jesus, he got on glasses.

[LAUGHTER]

Fuck you gonna be Jesus?
You can't see worth a goddamn!

"I just saw Jesus come out
of LensCrafters!"

[LAUGHTER]

Jesus was black.
I knew Jesus was black by the miracles he did.

Took five fish,
one loaf of bread, fed 10,000 hungry people.

Only a nigga could stretch
a meal out like that![AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

They probably had macaroni
and cheese, too!

You know Jesus was black
'cause his first miracle was

turning water into wine
at a wedding.

If that ain't nigga shit,
I don't know what is.[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Jesus, we done ran
out of wine!"

"Normally, I don't do this,
but there you go."

You know it's gonna be
that greedy nigga in there, too.

"Jesus, I don't like wine!
Tap my glass twice, I like Courvoisier!"

Thank you very much,
ladies and gentlemen![CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Welcome to Def Comedy Jam.
Thank you now. Thank you now.

Thank you now!

Y'all know what we're
here to do.

This Def Comedy Jam,
showcasing young comics from around the country.

From Atlanta, Georgia,
please put 'em up together loud and strong for Rod-man.

Do something for him, y'all!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE][MUSIC PLAYING]

What's up, Def Jam?AUDIENCE: Wassup?

Y'all give it up
for D.L. Hugley one more time.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING][CLEARS THROAT]

I'mma tell y'all
from the beginning. I'm country.

So I might say a few words
that you don't know.

But that's all right,
just work with me.

We'll make up a word,
'cause a lot of beggin'-ass folks in L.A.

Y'all got a lot
of beggin' folk.

And homeless people
are gettin' smooth, so y'all got to watch 'em.

They always comin'
up to you,

"Bro, can you
spot me a dollar?"

I'll be like, "I'll spot you
somebody else to fuck with."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"You ain't gonna scratch me
out today, nigga. No, no."

Y'all got to watch 'em.
I seen two homeless people, no bullshit.

You know how they have
they little signs, right?

They now took the shit
to a whole another level.

The first bum sign say,
"Will work for food."

Second bum got smoother
than a motherfucker.

His say he'll supervise
that nigga for a snack.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

That ain't no damn job.

That ain't no damn job.

But I understand.
You do gotta work.

How many of y'all work
with black people?

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

I ain't talkin' 'bout work
beside black people.

I'm talkin' 'bout
where black people handle the payroll.

Y'all some brave people,
'cause black people forget

they owe your ass
come payday.

For real. I used to do
construction work with my uncle.

Forty hours
in the hot-ass sun.

It get to payday,
that nigga talkin' 'bout,

"The checks
ain't been cut yet."[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I was like, "Nigga,
you need some scissors?

"Shit, it's either you
or the checks, nigga. You or the checks."

You ain't gonna
scratch me out on the damned job.

That's why,
that's why I work with white people.

'Cause white people'll
pay you on time.

But they got too many
damned rules on the job for me.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

They got too many damn rules.
I just feel like

if you take a drug test
to get the job,

why the hell do they
random drug test you

90 days into your
probationary period?

Hell, that's too quick
of a change for me.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Look, white...
Man, I used to work with white people

down at that restaurant
called Cracker Barrel.

[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS]

Now, hell, I should've knew
by the name they didn't want my black ass there.

But I was working,
just trying to be the head dishwasher.

Little white man gonna
call me in the office,

talkin' 'bout he need me
to take a drug test.

I was like, "Man, I took
a drug test to get the job."

He's talkin' 'bout,
"No, this a random drug test."

I was like, "Well, hell,
pick somebody else, then, damn it!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

Shit. How they gonna put
all the pressure on me?

They be trippin' on jobs.
They be trippin'.

Shit, I can pass this shit,
I just need time to study.

[LAUGHTER]

But I understand.
Where are my beautiful black ladies at?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I love y'all.
I love y'all.

That's what I was telling
my white girlfriend the other day...

[LAUGHING]

I'm just playin'.
I'm playin'.

But I slipped
one time, though. But I slipped for a reason.

Y'all remember the movie
Waiting to Exhale?AUDIENCE: Yeah!

Y'all remember the part
when Gloria came in

and caught
the little white girl hookin' up Tarik?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

That shit happened to me!

And my mama always
told me, she said,

"Boy, if a white girl
can't use your comb,

"damn it,
don't bring her home!"

And I knew that shit.
I knew that shit.

My mama came in and caught
the little white girl hookin' me up.

She said, "Boy,
didn't I tell you

"if a white girl
can't use your comb,

"damn it,
don't bring her home?"

I said, "Yes, Mama,
but she can suck good dick, so I let her use the pick."

[CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

[EXCLAIMING]

They got to be dumb.

But I know y'all
looking at me like, "That boy got problems."

I know I got problems,
that's why I try to go to church.

But hell, they got
more problems than me.[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And church, it getting
too damn hot, too.

They ain't got
a two for one or nothing in the church.

You gotta pay every Sunday
you go to church.

And I ain't got
no problem paying when it's affordable.

But I know you're probably
give 10% to the Lord,

and I ain't have
but $10 one Sunday.

And I explained it
to the little deacon.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

When he came around doing
the little offering thing, I said, "Look here, man.

"I ain't got but $10.
I'mma put a dollar in the church,

"and you bring back
my $9 change."

He was like, "All right,
cool, my brother."

So I'm in church, you know,
my mom's trying to get my pray on.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Pray on, nigga. Pray on.
Time, time goes by,

that man still ain't
brung back my change.

So y'all know I'm getting
a little stressed now.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

So I look over at my mom.
I say, "Mom.

"Lord knows I don't want
to snap up in here...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"But that man better bring
back my damn change!"

She was like,
"Boy, you... It's cool."

Preacher just preachin'.
Then he says something that threw me.

He was like,
"If our mind's clear, we can adjourn."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Now, I ain't been to college
or no shit like that,

but I been to court
a few times.

And I know adjourn means
they fittin' to get the hell up out of there.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

And I was like,
"No, hell, we can't!"

But I was in church,
and I didn't know what to do.

So, hell, I did
the only right thing.

I stood up and testified.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I say, "Amen!"

Preacher said, "Say it,
young brother, say it!"

I say, "Amen!"

Preacher said, "Say it,
young brother, say it!"

I said, "Hey, man,
where the hell my change at?"

I'm the Rod-man.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING][MUSIC PLAYING]

One more time, Rod-man!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Yeah!

Next young lady
a homegirl from L.A.

Put 'em together.
Retha Jones!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING][MUSIC PLAYING]

'Sup?AUDIENCE: Wassup?

We're in the house!

Y'all know I'm happy
to be here in this motherfucker!

'Cause this is a black woman
on television.

That's what this shit
represents, y'all!

[APPLAUSE]

I mean, any time you see
a black woman

get some work on TV,
it is a good fuckin' day!

You see what I'm sayin'?
It is a good day! You understand?

'Cause it ain't like
we all just gettin' jobs on Baywatchor some shit.

[LAUGHTER]

And you know...
Boy, don't get me confused. I ain't complaining.

I personally wouldn't want
to be on that damn show.

I couldn't even pretend
to be a fuckin' lifeguard, you hear me?

If I see somebody out
in the middle of the ocean drowning or something,

I'm gonna be back here
on the beach,

coaching they ass
to swim back to shore.[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Kick your legs!

"Come get you?
Shit, I...

"You swam your ass out there,
swim your ass back!

[AUDIENCE CONTINUES LAUGHING]

"Shit. Like I'm gonna
fuck up my perm comin' out there messin' with you!"

[LAUGHING]

Shoot. Don't be confused.
The show is called Baywatch.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Shit, it took 'em...
You know what?

They did put a black woman
on Baywatch.

They got a black woman
on this season. Did y'all know that?

Pretty brown-skinned girl,
too. Got the weave.

Sister girl got that weave.
You know she ain't gonna be

saving too many lives,
girlfriend.

'Cause that salt water will
fuck that weave hair up!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Y'all know that.

That shit'll be matted up
into a big-ass rope on her head.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

She'll be out there tuggin'
boats and shit.

"Come on, we can do this!"

[GRUNTING]

It's fucked up
the way they do us on these commercials.

Act like women are the only
people with sick genitals.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And men, y'all got
problems, too now.

But these commercials
don't advertise y'all's problems

the same way
they do women's.

They hide y'all's problems
under little nicknames like jock itch.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Now you know that's crabs.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

That's crabs.

Why don't they ever say
the word "crabs" on TV?

Call it crabs.
Call it what it really is. Dick lice!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Yep. Testicle termites
and shit, that's...

'Cause that's what
crabs is, men.

That ain't
no simple itch, men.

Crabs, that's bugs!

Eatin' away at your nuts!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

See, we women,
we can clear our shit up

with some cream,
and clear our shit up.

But y'all gotta call
the Orkin exterminator man.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Clear that shit up.
You know what I mean?

Little extermination tent
on your penis.

"Sorry. No sex
this week, sweetheart. We're fumigating.

[MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY]
"Do not enter the tent, honey."

It's fucked up, boy.

And I better not hear
another goddamn male comedian

or whoever come on stage
talkin' about women needin' to douche

and keep their coochie clean
so they can put they face down there.

Like men don't need
no ball scrub or no shit.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Put a spit shine
on that shit or something, bro.

See, I don't do blowjob
until you do your job. You understand what I mean?

[CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

And me coming up
with shit in my teeth.

I'm like, "No, fuck.
What the fuck? Fuck is that?"

I'm having so much fun.
Y'all are so cool...

[STAMMERS]
I don't know, they... Y'all, I'd just like to say,

you know, black folk,
you know,

I'm just so happy to see
so many black people up in here, and...

And black men...[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

One more thing.
Black men, don't get fed up with black women,

because I done heard
some brothers talkin' about black women

have gotten, you know,
jaded and...

And angry and then
all that shit.

And so they gonna
give up on us and start dating white women.

You know, if you feel
like you don't want a black woman no more,

and you want
to get you a white...

Fuck you, get the fuck...
Go on, nigga!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

Go!

Take yo' monkey-ass
home, nigga!

My name Retha Jones.
Peace the fuck out. Peace out!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING][MUSIC PLAYING]

Damn! Retha Jones!

All right. This gentleman
is originally from Boston. Now in Brooklyn.

His third appearance
on Def Comedy Jam.

Let's give it up
for Mr. Drew Fraser!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING][MUSIC PLAYING]

One, two. One, two.
How y'all feeling out here?

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

One more time, L.A.
How y'all feeling?

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]

That's what I'm talking about
right there, man.

Y'all know, the same thing.
I got things to do, just a different year.

New theme
that I'm right now

is money change
a motherfucker.

'Cause motherfuckers come up
to me all the time.

"Yo, Drew.
You get some money, you gonna change?"

Hell, yeah![AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Money change a motherfucker!

I don't care how humble
you may start off, money change you.

Don't you act different
on payday?

[SCATTERED LAUGHTER]

You ain't the same
motherfucker on payday!

All week long,
your ass be eatin' in the employee cafeteria.

Come payday,
it's Chinese food!

You downtown shopping,
you gettin' your hair did.

Money change a motherfucker!

All week long, you drive
around with $2 worth of gas in your car.

Come payday, you fill that
motherfucker up with super.

What's that,
$10.50 a gallon now?

Money change a motherfucker!

Shit!

White folks,
they got money.

You go in white people house,
they got curtains on all they windows.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You go in a nigga house,
what he got? Sheets!

[LAUGHTER]Held up with thumb tacks!

And the nigga be
on the bed, cold as shit.

[SHUDDERING]
"I, I'm cold, but they can't see in.

"They don't know
I'm cold."

The money change
a motherfucker!

Money makes sex good.
My dick's small as shit.

But it look good
in a Lexus at the light.

Believe me when I tell ya.[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Money change a motherfucker,
man! Uh-uh. Shit!

But one thing about sex is
we wait for sex differently. Oh, yeah.

Females wait
for sex differently. Men wait for sex differently.

Females know they got
that one good lover comin' over their house,

they shavin'
under they arms, they takin' showers.

They getting shit,
everything ready. My brothers...

Brothers, we got
that one female gettin' over the house,

shit, we waitin' like this.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Yo, I'mma tear this ass up
when she get here.

[LAUGHTER]

"She better hurry up."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Sex is a motherfucker now.

So fellas,
all we got is dick.

And dick don't even
sound good.

Ain't nothin' pretty
about the word "dick".

Everything on the
female body sounds good.

Titties.

Ass.

Vagina.

And my favorite, clitoris!

Don't it sound like
a brand-new car?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

The all-new, fully-loaded
1996 air conditioning,

CD player,
bucket seats clitoris!

And if you get one
with no panties on, that's a moon roof!

Thank you very much,
ladies and gentlemen.

My name is Drew Fraser, yo.
Thank you. Thank you.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING][MUSIC PLAYING]

All right.
Y'all enjoy the show

at Def Jamin Los Angeles?
Y'all do that?

Give it to the man who did it,
Mr. Russell Simmons![CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Show him how much
we appreciated having him here.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Thank you for coming out.
God bless you. Good night.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
CONTINUES]

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