All language subtitles for Def Comedy Jam s07e07.eng

af Afrikaans
sq Albanian
am Amharic
ar Arabic
hy Armenian
az Azerbaijani
eu Basque
be Belarusian
bn Bengali
bs Bosnian
bg Bulgarian
ca Catalan
ceb Cebuano
ny Chichewa
zh-CN Chinese (Simplified)
zh-TW Chinese (Traditional)
co Corsican
hr Croatian
cs Czech
da Danish
nl Dutch Download
en English
eo Esperanto
et Estonian
tl Filipino
fi Finnish
fr French
fy Frisian
gl Galician
ka Georgian
de German
el Greek
gu Gujarati
ht Haitian Creole
ha Hausa
haw Hawaiian
iw Hebrew
hi Hindi
hmn Hmong
hu Hungarian
is Icelandic
ig Igbo
id Indonesian
ga Irish
it Italian
ja Japanese
jw Javanese
kn Kannada
kk Kazakh
km Khmer
ko Korean
ku Kurdish (Kurmanji)
ky Kyrgyz
lo Lao
la Latin
lv Latvian
lt Lithuanian
lb Luxembourgish
mk Macedonian
mg Malagasy
ms Malay
ml Malayalam
mt Maltese
mi Maori
mr Marathi
mn Mongolian
my Myanmar (Burmese)
ne Nepali
no Norwegian
ps Pashto
fa Persian
pl Polish
pt Portuguese
pa Punjabi
ro Romanian
ru Russian
sm Samoan
gd Scots Gaelic
sr Serbian
st Sesotho
sn Shona
sd Sindhi
si Sinhala
sk Slovak
sl Slovenian
so Somali
es Spanish
su Sundanese
sw Swahili
sv Swedish
tg Tajik
ta Tamil
te Telugu
th Thai
tr Turkish
uk Ukrainian
ur Urdu
uz Uzbek
vi Vietnamese
cy Welsh
xh Xhosa
yi Yiddish
yo Yoruba
zu Zulu
or Odia (Oriya)
rw Kinyarwanda
tk Turkmen
tt Tatar
ug Uyghur
Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:07,137 --> 00:00:10,137 KID CAPRI: It's the Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam. 2 00:00:10,184 --> 00:00:12,194 [THEME MUSIC PLAYING] 3 00:00:15,145 --> 00:00:20,105 I am your man, the world's greatest DJ, the Kid Capri. 4 00:00:20,150 --> 00:00:21,670 With your host... 5 00:00:24,676 --> 00:00:26,026 Tonight's guests... 6 00:00:36,253 --> 00:00:38,133 Welcome to the stage, party people, 7 00:00:38,168 --> 00:00:42,998 my main man, Mr. Ricky Harris! 8 00:00:43,043 --> 00:00:46,003 [AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING][MUSIC PLAYING] 9 00:01:18,643 --> 00:01:20,343 West Side! 10 00:01:20,384 --> 00:01:21,524 [AUDIENCE BOOING] 11 00:01:24,040 --> 00:01:25,960 All right, all right, all right. 12 00:01:25,998 --> 00:01:26,778 We don't want to start no gang activity up in here.[AUDIENCE CHUCKLES] 13 00:01:26,825 --> 00:01:28,605 [CHUCKLES] 14 00:01:28,653 --> 00:01:31,133 You say that, brother be, "West Side!" Kah, kah, kah! 15 00:01:31,178 --> 00:01:34,618 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 16 00:01:34,659 --> 00:01:37,839 It's all good. We on the West Side now. 17 00:01:37,880 --> 00:01:40,100 We brought the Def Jam to y'all. 18 00:01:40,143 --> 00:01:42,233 AUDIENCE: Yeah!You know what I'm sayin'? 19 00:01:42,276 --> 00:01:43,626 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 20 00:01:46,454 --> 00:01:48,374 [RICKY CHUCKLES] 21 00:01:48,412 --> 00:01:51,812 This is L.A., the city of La La, baby. 22 00:01:51,850 --> 00:01:55,160 You know, beautiful ladies walkin' around. You know what I'm sayin'? 23 00:01:55,202 --> 00:01:57,332 No. No snow.[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 24 00:01:57,378 --> 00:01:59,338 You know. 25 00:01:59,380 --> 00:02:02,170 We ain't got no snow jumpin' off. 26 00:02:02,209 --> 00:02:05,949 We ain't got to worry about the real thick jackets 27 00:02:05,995 --> 00:02:07,775 like they do on the East Coast. 28 00:02:07,823 --> 00:02:10,483 You know, we just... We mellow, you know. 29 00:02:10,521 --> 00:02:13,921 You know, especially since they done passed Proposition 215. 30 00:02:14,830 --> 00:02:17,920 [LAUGHTER][CHUCKLES] 31 00:02:17,963 --> 00:02:22,713 They get real mellow now. They done legalized it... What? 32 00:02:22,751 --> 00:02:25,061 You can roll legal with chronic? 33 00:02:25,101 --> 00:02:26,971 All you got to do is have your paper? 34 00:02:27,016 --> 00:02:29,976 [LAUGHTER] 35 00:02:30,019 --> 00:02:33,499 I see brothers gettin' pulled over, just pulin' out any kind of paper. 36 00:02:33,544 --> 00:02:35,424 "Hold up, dog. Hold up. Hold up." 37 00:02:35,459 --> 00:02:37,159 [LAUGHTER] 38 00:02:37,200 --> 00:02:39,460 "No, no, no. Hey, dog, check the glove box. 39 00:02:39,507 --> 00:02:42,547 "My paper is in the glove box." He pull out a napkin. 40 00:02:44,120 --> 00:02:47,560 "See, that say I can smoke." [CHUCKLES] 41 00:02:47,602 --> 00:02:50,612 I know one thing, black folk, we takin' over. 42 00:02:50,648 --> 00:02:55,178 In the '90s we takin' over. They gotta give us our props. 43 00:02:55,218 --> 00:02:57,308 Our 40 acres and a mule. 44 00:02:59,135 --> 00:03:01,875 We takin' over as far as all the sports. 45 00:03:01,920 --> 00:03:05,400 Black people, we run sports. Am I right?[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 46 00:03:05,446 --> 00:03:09,536 If it wasn't for black people, sports wouldn't be... It wouldn't be no sports. 47 00:03:09,580 --> 00:03:14,240 'Cause black people, we own the NBA, the NFL, baseball, all that. 48 00:03:14,281 --> 00:03:16,331 The Olympics. The Olympics wouldn't have been nothin' 49 00:03:16,370 --> 00:03:19,900 without no black people in there, man. Come on. 50 00:03:19,938 --> 00:03:25,118 I was lovin' my man Michael Johnson, right? Brother. 51 00:03:25,161 --> 00:03:29,691 I knew he was gonna win, 'cause he talked about it for three years. 52 00:03:29,731 --> 00:03:31,911 [IMITATING MICHAEL JOHNSON] "You know I'm gonna kick y'all ass. 53 00:03:31,950 --> 00:03:33,820 "I'mma win four medals. 54 00:03:34,692 --> 00:03:36,692 "I'mma win four medals." 55 00:03:38,435 --> 00:03:40,385 And he run like he sit down, don't he? 56 00:03:40,437 --> 00:03:41,657 [LAUGHTER] 57 00:03:46,400 --> 00:03:47,400 [CHUCKLES] 58 00:03:48,358 --> 00:03:50,618 He's sweet. 59 00:03:50,665 --> 00:03:53,965 But we just own sports. We have always been good at sports. 60 00:03:54,016 --> 00:03:56,366 Back in Africa, we was chuckin' spears. 61 00:03:56,410 --> 00:03:58,240 [GRUNTS][LAUGHTER] 62 00:03:58,281 --> 00:04:00,541 "You can't throw that one farther than me, Kombuka." 63 00:04:00,588 --> 00:04:02,888 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 64 00:04:02,938 --> 00:04:04,768 [GRUNTS] 65 00:04:04,809 --> 00:04:07,379 We have always been good at sports, man. 66 00:04:07,421 --> 00:04:09,341 The NFL, you know that's where the... 67 00:04:09,379 --> 00:04:11,859 The NFL stands for Negro for Life. 68 00:04:11,903 --> 00:04:13,253 [LAUGHTER] 69 00:04:13,296 --> 00:04:15,256 The NBA, Nothin' But Africans. 70 00:04:18,083 --> 00:04:21,523 We run sports. We takin' over all sports. 71 00:04:21,565 --> 00:04:23,915 In a minute, we gonna run tennis. 72 00:04:23,959 --> 00:04:26,919 Tennis is gonna be taken over 'cause we got a little sister. 73 00:04:26,962 --> 00:04:29,532 We got a couple sisters comin' up right now. 74 00:04:29,573 --> 00:04:31,013 One of them from Compton. 75 00:04:31,053 --> 00:04:32,583 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 76 00:04:32,620 --> 00:04:35,620 From the CPT. 77 00:04:35,666 --> 00:04:39,926 Yeah, you know she harder than a... [GRUNTS] You know she hard. 78 00:04:39,975 --> 00:04:41,975 From the CPT? You know, 'cause she's... 79 00:04:42,020 --> 00:04:44,890 You know, her name is, uh, Venus Williams?[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS] 80 00:04:44,936 --> 00:04:47,326 You know she didn't start off with no regular equipment. 81 00:04:47,374 --> 00:04:49,334 [LAUGHTER] 82 00:04:49,376 --> 00:04:51,116 [CHUCKLES] Comin' from Compton. 83 00:04:51,160 --> 00:04:53,120 You know, they didn't even know what tennis was. 84 00:04:53,162 --> 00:04:55,822 She in the backyard with a spatula and a Wiffle ball. 85 00:05:01,649 --> 00:05:03,129 Her daddy like, "Hold on, baby, let me... 86 00:05:03,172 --> 00:05:05,962 "Let me move the clothes line down some. Come on. 87 00:05:06,001 --> 00:05:08,831 "Go on, hit it again, baby girl. Hit it again." [CHUCKLES] 88 00:05:11,354 --> 00:05:14,754 They scared of her ass. They say, "Keep her out just a little longer. 89 00:05:14,792 --> 00:05:17,452 "We gotta bring the little white girl back that's on a crack addict. 90 00:05:17,491 --> 00:05:18,841 "We gotta bring her back." 91 00:05:20,232 --> 00:05:22,152 [CHUCKLES] 92 00:05:22,191 --> 00:05:25,411 You know, we running sports. You know, golf. 93 00:05:25,455 --> 00:05:27,755 In a minute we gonna hold down on that. 94 00:05:27,805 --> 00:05:29,625 What they gonna be able to do then? 95 00:05:29,677 --> 00:05:31,767 'Cause they gonna have to make some more holes. 96 00:05:31,809 --> 00:05:33,419 [LAUGHTER] 97 00:05:33,463 --> 00:05:36,513 We... Uh, there's 137 holes now. 98 00:05:38,860 --> 00:05:41,210 The negroes are taking over. 99 00:05:41,253 --> 00:05:43,653 Tiger Woods gonna see to that. He gonna... 100 00:05:46,302 --> 00:05:48,572 But we gotta watch him though. 101 00:05:48,609 --> 00:05:51,829 'Cause he, he don't know what he is quite yet. 102 00:05:51,873 --> 00:05:54,483 Got to watch him. He talkin' about he... He don't know. 103 00:05:54,528 --> 00:05:57,748 He multi. No. You're black.[LAUGHTER] 104 00:05:57,792 --> 00:05:59,322 Better he read a book. 105 00:06:00,185 --> 00:06:02,265 [CHUCKLES] 106 00:06:02,318 --> 00:06:04,578 Let him be on them courses, one of them courses they don't want no niggers on. 107 00:06:04,625 --> 00:06:06,145 He'll find out real quick. 108 00:06:06,191 --> 00:06:08,061 They say, "Nigger, get the ball." 109 00:06:08,106 --> 00:06:09,236 [LAUGHTER] 110 00:06:10,065 --> 00:06:11,845 "Hey, I play here." 111 00:06:11,893 --> 00:06:13,073 [LAUGHTER] 112 00:06:16,854 --> 00:06:19,514 And I like golf. Golf is a cool sport. 113 00:06:19,553 --> 00:06:22,383 You know, me and my homies, we go play all the time. 114 00:06:22,425 --> 00:06:24,245 Me and the little homey, we be out there playin', 115 00:06:24,296 --> 00:06:27,036 but you know, we ain't really got all the... 116 00:06:27,082 --> 00:06:29,132 [STAMMERS] You know, the right, you know... 117 00:06:29,171 --> 00:06:32,391 It's like we only got, like, between us, like, five clubs. 118 00:06:32,435 --> 00:06:33,775 [LAUGHTER] 119 00:06:33,828 --> 00:06:36,698 And it be, like, seven of us. [CHUCKLES] 120 00:06:36,744 --> 00:06:39,924 We out there, all the clubs got socks on 'em. [CHUCKLES] 121 00:06:39,964 --> 00:06:42,714 We out there in the little cart, the cart got switches on it. 122 00:06:42,750 --> 00:06:44,750 [VOCALIZES] 123 00:06:44,795 --> 00:06:46,575 We playin'... 'Cause you know it's supposed to be real quiet. 124 00:06:46,623 --> 00:06:48,453 Shh. Be quiet. 125 00:06:48,495 --> 00:06:50,665 The homey like, "Hey, dog! How you gonna hit that, dog? 126 00:06:50,714 --> 00:06:52,854 "What club you gonna use, dog?" 127 00:06:52,890 --> 00:06:55,460 I'm like, "Yo, just pitch it to me, dog. Just pitch it to me." 128 00:06:55,502 --> 00:06:57,292 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 129 00:07:00,942 --> 00:07:02,992 And I definitely gotta give, you know what I'm sayin', 130 00:07:03,031 --> 00:07:07,471 props to my East Coast nigga for life. You know what I'm sayin'? 131 00:07:07,514 --> 00:07:10,174 My homeboy DJ Kid Capri, y'all. 132 00:07:10,212 --> 00:07:12,432 Give it up for him. Know what I'm sayin'? 133 00:07:14,956 --> 00:07:17,606 The coldest DJ ever. 134 00:07:17,654 --> 00:07:19,964 All right, I wanna say this, too, 135 00:07:20,004 --> 00:07:24,234 if any y'all got homies or homegirls or whatever, you know, incarcerated... 136 00:07:26,010 --> 00:07:30,060 On a little vacation, you know, write 'em. 137 00:07:30,101 --> 00:07:33,321 You know, write 'em a letter and let 'em know that you love 'em. 138 00:07:35,455 --> 00:07:39,235 You know, and if you doin' crimes, do it by yourself. 139 00:07:39,284 --> 00:07:42,294 You know what I'm sayin'? Don't do no crime with somebody else, you know, 140 00:07:42,331 --> 00:07:44,681 and then they gonna go, you know, if y'all... 141 00:07:44,725 --> 00:07:48,505 If y'all get caught, you know they gonna fink on you. 142 00:07:48,555 --> 00:07:50,635 'Cause who want to do time by theyself? 143 00:07:51,993 --> 00:07:54,003 You know what I'm sayin'? If you... 144 00:07:54,038 --> 00:07:55,518 If you do the crime by yourself, you ain't got to worry about. 145 00:07:55,562 --> 00:07:58,092 When he get caught, you know, you hidin' good. 146 00:07:58,129 --> 00:08:00,479 You all hidden. You all up underneath the tree. 147 00:08:00,523 --> 00:08:02,703 You got leaves on you.[LAUGHTER] 148 00:08:02,743 --> 00:08:05,533 You like, "Damn, they got him." 149 00:08:05,572 --> 00:08:08,792 He handcuffed goin' away, talkin' about, "Come on, Rick. They got us." 150 00:08:08,836 --> 00:08:09,876 [LAUGHTER] 151 00:08:11,795 --> 00:08:13,665 "They got both of us, dog. Come on." 152 00:08:15,016 --> 00:08:17,276 "Nigga, they got you." 153 00:08:17,322 --> 00:08:21,722 [CHUCKLES] Do the crime by yourself, man. 154 00:08:21,762 --> 00:08:24,632 All right. We gonna keep this show rollin'. Dig. 155 00:08:24,678 --> 00:08:27,508 All the way from Washington D.C., you know what I'm sayin'? 156 00:08:27,550 --> 00:08:32,640 Y'all put y'all hands together for the comedy styles of Mike Brooks, y'all. 157 00:08:32,686 --> 00:08:34,636 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE][MUSIC PLAYING] 158 00:08:50,573 --> 00:08:52,013 Wassup, y'all?[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS] 159 00:08:52,053 --> 00:08:54,063 Black folks love to dance, don't we? 160 00:08:54,098 --> 00:08:55,578 I'm gonna tell y'all some funny shit. 161 00:08:55,622 --> 00:08:57,322 You ever been in a club dancin' 162 00:08:57,362 --> 00:08:59,802 and realized your deodorant done ran out? 163 00:08:59,843 --> 00:09:02,413 So it make your ass switch up and do another dance? 164 00:09:02,454 --> 00:09:04,204 You up in the club dancin'... 165 00:09:04,239 --> 00:09:05,679 [MUSIC PLAYING] 166 00:09:05,719 --> 00:09:06,889 [CHEERING] 167 00:09:12,726 --> 00:09:13,766 [LAUGHTER] 168 00:09:17,600 --> 00:09:21,130 Wassup? Show me love in this motherfucker, y'all! 169 00:09:21,169 --> 00:09:23,349 I'mma tell y'all something. 170 00:09:23,388 --> 00:09:24,868 I'mma tell y'all something. 171 00:09:24,912 --> 00:09:27,092 I'm glad to be out here. Almost didn't make it. 172 00:09:27,131 --> 00:09:29,261 Fuckin' around with them damn dumb ass police. 173 00:09:29,307 --> 00:09:32,137 Don't y'all hate dumb police, by round of applause? 174 00:09:32,180 --> 00:09:34,100 'Cause they pull you over...[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING] 175 00:09:34,138 --> 00:09:36,268 They pull you over just to ask you dumb shit. 176 00:09:36,314 --> 00:09:39,454 Police pull me over a couple days ago. Gonna walk up to my car. 177 00:09:39,491 --> 00:09:41,231 Talkin' about, "Sir, why were you speedin'?" 178 00:09:41,276 --> 00:09:43,366 Motherfucker, because I didn't see you.[LAUGHTER] 179 00:09:43,408 --> 00:09:45,798 You think I'd have been speedin' if I saw your ass? 180 00:09:45,846 --> 00:09:47,936 Then they talkin' about, "Oh, do you know how fast you were goin'?" 181 00:09:47,978 --> 00:09:50,678 Obviously not fast enough if you caught up with my ass. 182 00:09:50,720 --> 00:09:52,980 And why do people always act like they scared to look at the police? 183 00:09:53,027 --> 00:09:54,637 When they pull up beside you, like at a light? 184 00:09:54,681 --> 00:09:56,551 You ever notice? You don't ever look at them eye to eye. 185 00:09:56,596 --> 00:09:58,376 You tryin' to peep out the corner of your eye and shit. 186 00:09:58,423 --> 00:10:00,643 "Oh, shit. Don't look. There they go, there they go." 187 00:10:00,687 --> 00:10:02,117 You see 'em in the rear-view mirror, 188 00:10:02,166 --> 00:10:04,126 you try to reach for your seat belt on the sly. 189 00:10:04,168 --> 00:10:06,738 "Oh, these motherfuckers about to pull me over and shit, man. 190 00:10:06,780 --> 00:10:08,740 "Gonna call my tags and shit in." 191 00:10:08,782 --> 00:10:10,612 And you always got somebody that's ridin' with you 192 00:10:10,653 --> 00:10:12,223 tryin' to get you in trouble. "Man, fuck him. He ain't gonna... 193 00:10:12,263 --> 00:10:14,223 "Oh, damn. He about to pull you over, man." 194 00:10:14,265 --> 00:10:16,615 "Tell that nigga I'm asleep." 195 00:10:16,659 --> 00:10:18,269 That's why I don't like people ridin' with me, 196 00:10:18,313 --> 00:10:20,363 'cause they try to get you in trouble. 197 00:10:20,402 --> 00:10:23,712 They sneak weed in your car and don't let you know until you get pulled over. 198 00:10:23,753 --> 00:10:26,713 Fucker, "Whoo! What you want me to do with this?" 199 00:10:26,756 --> 00:10:28,756 "Fucker, with what?" 200 00:10:28,802 --> 00:10:30,412 "Nigger, don't act like you ain't know I had weed in the car." 201 00:10:30,455 --> 00:10:31,935 [LAUGHTER] 202 00:10:31,979 --> 00:10:33,939 I hate bein' around brothers that get high 203 00:10:33,981 --> 00:10:36,161 'cause they lie too much. Ladies, y'all see 'em. They get... 204 00:10:36,200 --> 00:10:39,460 He ain't even high yet. He take one puff off the joint and start lyin'. 205 00:10:39,508 --> 00:10:42,078 Nigga talkin' about... [BLOWS] 206 00:10:42,119 --> 00:10:45,299 "You know I'm about to go get a BMW tomorrow, right? 207 00:10:45,340 --> 00:10:48,650 "Dude told me to bring two dollars down there, he was gonna look out for me." 208 00:10:48,691 --> 00:10:51,091 Motherfucker, stop lyin'. 209 00:10:51,128 --> 00:10:53,518 And I hate when people get high and do dumb shit. 210 00:10:53,565 --> 00:10:55,865 My uncle, he get high every night and just say dumb shit. 211 00:10:55,916 --> 00:10:57,656 Just like last night. I knew he was high. 212 00:10:57,700 --> 00:11:00,360 His dumb ass gonna page me. I called him back. 213 00:11:00,398 --> 00:11:03,178 He talkin' about, "How you get the number over here?"[LAUGHTER] 214 00:11:03,227 --> 00:11:05,667 Motherfucker, you paged me. 215 00:11:05,708 --> 00:11:08,838 He talkin' about, "Oh, yeah, that's right. Damn." 216 00:11:08,885 --> 00:11:10,965 And ladies, y'all... Y'all just as bad when y'all get high. 217 00:11:11,018 --> 00:11:13,278 Y'all get high and want to start fights and shit. 218 00:11:13,324 --> 00:11:14,944 I used to mess with this one girl, 219 00:11:14,978 --> 00:11:16,408 every time she got high, always wanted to start shit. 220 00:11:16,458 --> 00:11:17,808 That's why I never wanted to take her out. 221 00:11:17,851 --> 00:11:19,201 One time I took her to a club. 222 00:11:19,243 --> 00:11:21,163 Soon as we get in the club, she startin' shit. 223 00:11:21,202 --> 00:11:23,252 She walk up in there talkin' about... [BLOWS] 224 00:11:23,291 --> 00:11:25,991 "I'm gonna steal that bitch that keep starin' at me."[LAUGHTER] 225 00:11:26,033 --> 00:11:28,083 "Girl, who the hell you talkin' about?" 226 00:11:28,122 --> 00:11:30,252 "That bitch right there that keep lookin' over here." 227 00:11:30,298 --> 00:11:32,338 Like, "Girl, that's a mirror. What the fuck is wrong with you? Damn! 228 00:11:32,387 --> 00:11:34,477 "Look, that's you. 229 00:11:34,519 --> 00:11:36,869 "Damn, go home. Shit, go home. Damn." 230 00:11:38,349 --> 00:11:40,479 Old ghetto ass girl, man. 231 00:11:40,525 --> 00:11:42,785 Treat y'all women right. I'm gonna tell y'all this shit, fellas. 232 00:11:42,832 --> 00:11:44,312 Treat 'em right.[CHEERS] 233 00:11:44,355 --> 00:11:46,225 I'm serious. 234 00:11:46,270 --> 00:11:48,450 'Cause you only give... You only fall in love one time. 235 00:11:48,490 --> 00:11:50,750 After that, the shit is over. 236 00:11:50,797 --> 00:11:52,357 Brothers try to play shit off when they break up with they girls and shit. 237 00:11:52,407 --> 00:11:54,367 When they on the phone with 'em, tryin' to act like 238 00:11:54,409 --> 00:11:56,279 the shit don't, you know, don't bother us when we break up. 239 00:11:56,324 --> 00:11:58,464 You know, we on the phone and shit, "Yeah, yeah. Wassup? 240 00:11:58,500 --> 00:12:02,200 "Wait. Yeah, yeah. I was doin'... I was thinkin' the same thing, too. 241 00:12:02,243 --> 00:12:05,773 "Maybe you need to go your way, I need to go mine. 242 00:12:05,812 --> 00:12:08,822 "Fuck it. Make it easy on yourself. Make it easy on yourself. 243 00:12:10,860 --> 00:12:13,040 "Well, if you gonna leave, leave. 244 00:12:13,080 --> 00:12:16,390 "Well, shit. I'll talk to you later then. Okay. Bye. Shit." 245 00:12:16,431 --> 00:12:18,911 And you hang up. You know you hurt 'cause you start talkin' to yourself. 246 00:12:18,955 --> 00:12:21,035 "Bitch gonna talk about she don't want to be with nobody and shit. 247 00:12:21,088 --> 00:12:23,388 "Yeah, okay. Yeah, okay. What? 248 00:12:23,438 --> 00:12:25,698 "I bet she need me before I need her, watch." 249 00:12:27,268 --> 00:12:29,008 And I hate them sneaky women. 250 00:12:29,052 --> 00:12:30,362 You know the women that are always up to something. 251 00:12:30,401 --> 00:12:31,881 You can tell when your girl's sneaky. 252 00:12:31,925 --> 00:12:33,615 'Cause whenever you tell her you gettin' ready 253 00:12:33,665 --> 00:12:35,795 to go out with your friends or something to play ball, 254 00:12:35,842 --> 00:12:37,632 she tell you to go ahead, but then she get that little laugh behind it. 255 00:12:37,669 --> 00:12:39,149 "Baby, look. We gettin' ready to go play some ball. 256 00:12:39,193 --> 00:12:40,463 "Everything... You straight? Everything cool?" 257 00:12:40,498 --> 00:12:41,668 "Who... Oh, fuck. Yeah. Go ahead. 258 00:12:41,717 --> 00:12:43,107 "Do what y'all want to do." [CHUCKLES] 259 00:12:44,415 --> 00:12:46,065 "What the hell you laughin' for?" 260 00:12:46,113 --> 00:12:48,423 "Stay out all night if you want to." [CHUCKLES] 261 00:12:48,463 --> 00:12:49,773 Because that shit ain't right. 262 00:12:49,812 --> 00:12:51,472 Peace and love. I'm Michael Brooks. 263 00:12:51,509 --> 00:12:53,119 Good night. I'm up out of here.[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 264 00:13:04,087 --> 00:13:06,257 Man, that boy's sick! 265 00:13:06,307 --> 00:13:08,397 One more time, y'all, for Mike. Give it up. 266 00:13:08,439 --> 00:13:10,879 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 267 00:13:10,920 --> 00:13:14,450 That's was his first time doin' the Def Comedy Jam,man. 268 00:13:14,489 --> 00:13:16,319 So it's gettin' to be the holidays, you know what I'm sayin'? 269 00:13:16,360 --> 00:13:18,620 I know everybody likes celebratin' with they family. 270 00:13:18,667 --> 00:13:21,537 You know, holiday. I hate the holidays. 271 00:13:21,583 --> 00:13:23,503 I don't know about anybody else. 272 00:13:23,541 --> 00:13:25,811 I'm one of them Scrooge type persons.[SCATTERED LAUGHTER] 273 00:13:25,848 --> 00:13:28,848 I was one of them bitter kids for Christmas. 274 00:13:28,895 --> 00:13:30,415 You know, 'cause a brother could never get 275 00:13:30,461 --> 00:13:32,721 what he really, really wanted, you know. 276 00:13:32,768 --> 00:13:34,118 You know, you see somethin' like, 277 00:13:34,161 --> 00:13:37,211 "Ooh, the Muhammed Ali boxing ring! Ooh! 278 00:13:37,251 --> 00:13:38,641 "I want that, Mama!" 279 00:13:38,687 --> 00:13:39,987 "You ain't gonna get that. 280 00:13:40,036 --> 00:13:42,076 [LAUGHTER] 281 00:13:42,125 --> 00:13:44,205 "You might get Joe Frazier. 282 00:13:44,258 --> 00:13:47,438 [CHUCKLES] "You ain't gonna get Muhammed Ali." 283 00:13:47,478 --> 00:13:50,738 I was bitter. Mad, man. 284 00:13:50,786 --> 00:13:53,086 I say that 'cause I got kids now. 285 00:13:53,136 --> 00:13:54,956 And you know, I was like, last week, 286 00:13:55,008 --> 00:13:56,568 I was puttin' together some of my... 287 00:13:56,618 --> 00:13:59,138 My daughter's little gifts or whatever. 288 00:13:59,186 --> 00:14:01,316 You know, startin' early 'cause it take me that long 289 00:14:01,362 --> 00:14:03,282 to put these... Put it together. 290 00:14:03,320 --> 00:14:06,630 You know, anybody ever had to put together some kids' toys? 291 00:14:06,671 --> 00:14:10,201 And the kid be just worrying you. "You done yet?" 292 00:14:10,240 --> 00:14:14,810 "No, I'm not done yet. Go sit your ass down somewhere 293 00:14:14,854 --> 00:14:17,774 "and let Daddy try to put this damn thing together." 294 00:14:17,813 --> 00:14:19,473 [LAUGHTER][CHUCKLES] 295 00:14:19,510 --> 00:14:21,950 "What's this?" "That's... I'll take that." 296 00:14:24,428 --> 00:14:28,868 And then when you finish, you always have, like, somethin' left. 297 00:14:28,911 --> 00:14:32,051 [CHUCKLES] Like either a screw or a button or somethin'. 298 00:14:32,088 --> 00:14:33,438 And then, like, "Don't worry about it. 299 00:14:33,481 --> 00:14:34,921 "Just go on and play with it. 300 00:14:34,961 --> 00:14:36,921 "If it fall apart, bring it back in here." 301 00:14:36,963 --> 00:14:38,663 [LAUGHTER][RICKY CHUCKLES] 302 00:14:41,619 --> 00:14:43,839 All right, look. We gonna keep the show rollin'. 303 00:14:43,883 --> 00:14:46,233 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Y'all ready for the next... 304 00:14:46,276 --> 00:14:47,966 AUDIENCE: Yeah!All right. Yeah. 305 00:14:48,017 --> 00:14:50,017 Y'all ready for the next comic, let me hear you say "Yeah." 306 00:14:50,063 --> 00:14:51,723 AUDIENCE: Yeah!All right, dig. 307 00:14:51,760 --> 00:14:53,240 Y'all put y'all hands together 308 00:14:53,283 --> 00:14:56,983 for the comedy styles of the Figman, y'all. 309 00:14:57,026 --> 00:14:59,286 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE][MUSIC PLAYING] 310 00:15:07,167 --> 00:15:08,907 Wassup, L.A.? 311 00:15:08,951 --> 00:15:10,391 AUDIENCE: Wassup? 312 00:15:10,431 --> 00:15:13,391 Awe, yeah! I got to see who's in the house! 313 00:15:13,434 --> 00:15:16,004 Let me hear all the ladies in the house say, "ow!" 314 00:15:16,045 --> 00:15:18,085 WOMEN: Ow! 315 00:15:18,134 --> 00:15:20,484 Now the troopers, all the homeboys, let me hear y'all say, "ho!" 316 00:15:20,528 --> 00:15:22,438 MEN: Ho! 317 00:15:22,486 --> 00:15:24,446 Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm gonna tell y'all something right now. 318 00:15:24,488 --> 00:15:26,798 I got to keep it real. I want you all to keep it real with me. 319 00:15:26,838 --> 00:15:28,708 I love y'all to death, sisters. 320 00:15:28,753 --> 00:15:30,153 I love y'all to death, but I'm gonna tell y'all somethin'. 321 00:15:30,190 --> 00:15:31,540 Y'all doin' some stuff that ain't got no... 322 00:15:31,582 --> 00:15:33,412 Y'all ain't got no business doin' it. 323 00:15:33,454 --> 00:15:34,764 Now, see, let me tell you somethin'. 324 00:15:34,803 --> 00:15:36,763 I don't mind you groomin' yourself. 325 00:15:36,805 --> 00:15:40,235 That little bikini wax you do there? That's all good. 326 00:15:40,287 --> 00:15:43,987 You know, if you want to shave up under your arms, that's all good. 327 00:15:44,030 --> 00:15:46,990 If you want to shave your legs, that's good. 328 00:15:47,033 --> 00:15:48,733 But here's where you lose me. 329 00:15:50,819 --> 00:15:54,999 Y'all get a razor, some clippers, 330 00:15:55,041 --> 00:16:00,091 and you shave your eyebrows completely off! 331 00:16:00,133 --> 00:16:03,753 Then get a pencil and draw in new ones. 332 00:16:03,788 --> 00:16:05,968 [CHEERS AND LAUGHTER] 333 00:16:06,008 --> 00:16:08,268 And all of y'all can't draw! 334 00:16:08,315 --> 00:16:09,525 [LAUGHTER] 335 00:16:11,492 --> 00:16:14,452 You ain't got no business drawin' on your face! 336 00:16:14,495 --> 00:16:17,015 All y'all get the pencil, drawin' it all high up on your forehead, 337 00:16:17,063 --> 00:16:18,933 comin' in the club, lookin' surprised, 338 00:16:18,978 --> 00:16:21,978 talkin' about, "Hey! Hey! Wassup? Wassup? Hey! Wassup?" 339 00:16:23,199 --> 00:16:25,679 You ain't got no business doin' that! 340 00:16:25,723 --> 00:16:27,423 And the worst part about it, you in the club, 341 00:16:27,464 --> 00:16:29,424 you partyin', you gettin' your little swerve on, 342 00:16:29,466 --> 00:16:31,596 all of a sudden, you get a little personal eraser happening. 343 00:16:31,642 --> 00:16:33,992 You get a handkerchief, you wipe your face, now you got one eyebrow. 344 00:16:34,036 --> 00:16:34,986 [LAUGHTER] 345 00:16:41,696 --> 00:16:43,476 That don't make no sense! 346 00:16:43,524 --> 00:16:45,924 Come on, I love you. I love y'all to death. 347 00:16:45,961 --> 00:16:47,401 Love you all sisters. But see, 348 00:16:47,441 --> 00:16:49,701 sisters, y'all want a whole lot of stuff 349 00:16:49,747 --> 00:16:52,227 and y'all don't want to give nothin' back. 350 00:16:52,272 --> 00:16:54,062 Yes indeed. How many sisters... 351 00:16:54,100 --> 00:16:55,880 I'm gonna ask y'all a question. Now, keep it real. 352 00:16:55,927 --> 00:16:59,497 How many sisters will go downtown on they man and hook him up? 353 00:16:59,540 --> 00:17:01,060 Let me hear y'all make some noise. 354 00:17:01,107 --> 00:17:04,457 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 355 00:17:04,501 --> 00:17:06,901 Just a couple. Just a couple. Just a couple. 356 00:17:06,938 --> 00:17:08,678 And the rest of y'all lyin'. 357 00:17:08,723 --> 00:17:10,073 [LAUGHTER] 358 00:17:10,116 --> 00:17:11,376 But don't say nothin'. Don't say nothin'. 359 00:17:11,421 --> 00:17:12,861 It's all right if you don't say nothin', 360 00:17:12,901 --> 00:17:14,901 'cause brothers, it's our fault. 361 00:17:14,946 --> 00:17:16,506 If they don't say nothin', it's our fault. I'mma tell you why. 362 00:17:16,557 --> 00:17:20,167 Fellas, a girl hook you up, hit you off lovely, 363 00:17:20,213 --> 00:17:22,173 you can't keep your mouth closed. 364 00:17:22,215 --> 00:17:26,955 Next day you out with the boys talkin' about, "Yo, kid. Whoo! 365 00:17:27,002 --> 00:17:29,142 "I swear to God, son, you ain't gonna believe this, yo. 366 00:17:29,178 --> 00:17:32,088 [LAUGHS] "You remember Shaniqua? 367 00:17:32,138 --> 00:17:34,488 "From last night? Your kid brought it to the house. 368 00:17:34,531 --> 00:17:35,921 "I'm gonna tell you somethin', yo. 369 00:17:35,967 --> 00:17:40,187 "Shaniqua suck a mean dick. I swear to God, yo." 370 00:17:40,233 --> 00:17:43,063 That don't make... That's disrespectful. That's disrespectful. 371 00:17:43,105 --> 00:17:48,195 I'mma ask y'all right now, what is a mean dick, ladies? 372 00:17:48,241 --> 00:17:51,201 Have y'all ever seen a mean dick? Come on, now. 373 00:17:51,244 --> 00:17:53,124 What does a mean dick look like? 374 00:17:53,159 --> 00:17:57,509 I heard of a mean dog, a ferocious lion, but what's a mean dick? 375 00:17:57,554 --> 00:17:59,904 You gonna walk over to your man, pull his zipper down, 376 00:17:59,948 --> 00:18:02,988 his dick gonna jump out his drawers like... [BARKING] 377 00:18:03,038 --> 00:18:04,778 [LAUGHTER] 378 00:18:04,822 --> 00:18:06,912 "Whoa, you got a mean dick, baby!" 379 00:18:06,955 --> 00:18:08,735 Some of y'all got that brother with that little mean dick, like... 380 00:18:08,783 --> 00:18:10,793 [CHIHUAHUA BARKING] 381 00:18:13,135 --> 00:18:14,565 And some of y'all got that brother 382 00:18:14,615 --> 00:18:15,955 with that old mean dick, be like... 383 00:18:16,007 --> 00:18:18,007 [HOUND DOG BARKING AND COUGHING] 384 00:18:20,055 --> 00:18:22,445 Yo, y'all, my name is Fig. I'm out of here, y'all. Peace! 385 00:18:22,492 --> 00:18:24,492 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 386 00:18:32,763 --> 00:18:33,983 [APPLAUSE CONTINUES] 387 00:18:37,072 --> 00:18:39,682 All right, yo. We gonna keep this show rollin'. 388 00:18:39,727 --> 00:18:42,947 Dig this. This next cat is all the way from Atlanta, GA. 389 00:18:42,991 --> 00:18:45,171 One of funniest cats I have ever seen. 390 00:18:45,211 --> 00:18:48,391 I'm tellin' y'all. You know what I'm sayin'? This brother is hilarious. 391 00:18:48,431 --> 00:18:50,871 Y'all put your hands together right now 392 00:18:50,912 --> 00:18:54,442 for the comedy styles of the Zooman. 393 00:18:54,481 --> 00:18:56,531 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE][MUSIC PLAYING] 394 00:19:07,668 --> 00:19:09,968 What's happenin', L.A.? What's goin' on?[SCATTERED CHEERING] 395 00:19:10,018 --> 00:19:12,278 That's not everybody. What's up L.A.? What's goin' on? 396 00:19:12,325 --> 00:19:14,405 [LOUD CHEERING]All right. 397 00:19:14,457 --> 00:19:17,807 Kid Capri up in here spinnin' them hits like crazy. 398 00:19:17,852 --> 00:19:19,852 We got some hits out there nowadays, man. 399 00:19:19,897 --> 00:19:21,377 That's why I'm happy for music, 400 00:19:21,421 --> 00:19:23,161 but we also got some stuff I don't understand. 401 00:19:24,380 --> 00:19:27,430 I heard a song with a pimp rappin'. 402 00:19:27,470 --> 00:19:29,390 That's why we can't do the national anthem no more 403 00:19:29,429 --> 00:19:32,299 'cause black people can't sing the regular version. 404 00:19:32,345 --> 00:19:35,085 Gotta do the remix. Teddy Riley in the back, "Yep, yep." 405 00:19:35,130 --> 00:19:37,920 [LAUGHTER] 406 00:19:37,959 --> 00:19:41,049 Black people do this like a concert. They come out... 407 00:19:41,092 --> 00:19:43,702 "How y'all doin' this evening? 408 00:19:43,747 --> 00:19:46,707 "We gonna slow it down just a little bit 409 00:19:46,750 --> 00:19:50,190 "and do this song for all the lovers in the house. 410 00:19:50,232 --> 00:19:51,802 "It's a song written a long time ago. 411 00:19:51,842 --> 00:19:53,582 "I'm gonna do my own version, if y'all don't mind, 412 00:19:53,627 --> 00:19:56,717 "without the music. We gonna do it Acapulco." 413 00:19:56,760 --> 00:19:58,200 [LAUGHTER] 414 00:20:00,068 --> 00:20:02,108 [VOCALIZING] 415 00:20:03,158 --> 00:20:08,378 ♪ Ooh, yeah, baby 416 00:20:10,818 --> 00:20:12,648 ♪ Ooh, say 417 00:20:13,603 --> 00:20:16,223 ♪ Can you see 418 00:20:23,483 --> 00:20:27,103 ♪ By the dawn's early... [HUMS] 419 00:20:29,271 --> 00:20:32,491 ♪ What so proudly we hailed 420 00:20:33,275 --> 00:20:34,225 Okay? 421 00:20:35,973 --> 00:20:38,243 ♪ At the twilight's 422 00:20:38,280 --> 00:20:40,540 [VOCALIZES] 423 00:20:40,587 --> 00:20:42,197 ♪ Stripes 424 00:20:43,894 --> 00:20:45,514 Oh, you know... They don't know the words. 425 00:20:45,548 --> 00:20:50,898 ♪ In my car...[VOCALIZES] It's all right ♪ 426 00:20:50,945 --> 00:20:52,945 [CONTINUES VOCALIZING] 427 00:20:56,907 --> 00:20:58,427 [APPLAUSE] 428 00:20:58,474 --> 00:21:00,564 "You know, let me talk to y'all for a minute. 429 00:21:00,607 --> 00:21:02,517 "You know, when I think of the flag... 430 00:21:04,219 --> 00:21:06,399 "All it means to me..." 431 00:21:06,439 --> 00:21:08,919 [SCATTERED LAUGHTER] 432 00:21:08,963 --> 00:21:11,363 Music has taken a weird ass turn. 433 00:21:11,400 --> 00:21:12,710 [LAUGHTER] 434 00:21:15,752 --> 00:21:17,622 I can't meet the woman I want to meet no more. 435 00:21:17,667 --> 00:21:19,967 Fellas, watch what you do, man. Looks are deceiving. 436 00:21:20,017 --> 00:21:21,927 How many of y'all fellas, round of applause, give it to me, 437 00:21:21,976 --> 00:21:24,016 have met a whole group of fine women, 438 00:21:24,065 --> 00:21:26,585 and you don't know which one to talk to?[APPLAUSE] 439 00:21:26,633 --> 00:21:29,113 So you normally talk to the one you think gonna give you some, right? 440 00:21:29,157 --> 00:21:31,547 Watch yourself. Watch yourself. 441 00:21:31,594 --> 00:21:33,344 I grabbed the one I thought was gonna give me some. 442 00:21:33,379 --> 00:21:36,339 Mini skirt, titties all out, got back to her crib, right? 443 00:21:36,382 --> 00:21:39,212 She was like, "I'll be right back." I said, "Oh, shit." 444 00:21:39,254 --> 00:21:40,604 I stripped down to my boxers. 445 00:21:40,647 --> 00:21:42,647 She came back in the livin' room with a Bible. 446 00:21:42,692 --> 00:21:46,132 "And Jesus said that the sinners that fornicate burn in hell!" 447 00:21:46,174 --> 00:21:48,394 I said, "Oh, shit. This a set up."[LAUGHTER] 448 00:21:48,437 --> 00:21:51,007 "It's a sting operation for the church." 449 00:21:51,048 --> 00:21:52,958 Deacons bustin' in the window. [IMITATES WHOOSHING] 450 00:21:53,007 --> 00:21:55,967 ♪ God's tryin' to tell you somethin'... ♪[LAUGHTER] 451 00:21:56,010 --> 00:21:57,580 Kirk Franklin came out the basement, 452 00:21:57,620 --> 00:22:02,450 "We sing 'cause we happy. We sing 'cause we free." 453 00:22:02,495 --> 00:22:04,235 "His eyes is on..." You need to pull your pants up. 454 00:22:04,279 --> 00:22:06,019 "His eyes is on the sparrows." 455 00:22:08,544 --> 00:22:12,114 And protect yourself when you're doin' that, too. Protect yourself. 456 00:22:12,156 --> 00:22:15,416 You can fuck around and die from that bullshit and it ain't no joke. 457 00:22:15,464 --> 00:22:18,824 You know what I'm sayin'? Many people over history have died, man. 458 00:22:18,859 --> 00:22:20,379 Hitler. You know what I'm sayin'? 459 00:22:20,426 --> 00:22:21,906 They said he had some shit, got caught some shit. 460 00:22:21,949 --> 00:22:24,259 They told me Shakespeare got burnt. 461 00:22:24,299 --> 00:22:27,559 That fucked me up. 'Cause I ain't never seen that play. 462 00:22:27,607 --> 00:22:29,607 [LAUGHTER] 463 00:22:29,652 --> 00:22:32,052 Shakespeare gettin' burnt. It's all dramatic, you know that is. 464 00:22:32,960 --> 00:22:34,660 [LAUGHTER] 465 00:22:36,224 --> 00:22:37,974 [SOBBING] 466 00:22:42,535 --> 00:22:43,535 [BLOWING] 467 00:22:45,059 --> 00:22:46,889 Cast these demons! 468 00:22:48,976 --> 00:22:53,886 Am I forever cursed to spit fire from my loins 469 00:22:53,937 --> 00:22:55,547 as a dragon does? 470 00:22:57,376 --> 00:23:00,676 What manner of witchery is this? 471 00:23:00,727 --> 00:23:04,987 Had I only known! God, had I only known! 472 00:23:05,035 --> 00:23:10,035 Had I only known that she was not a princess, but a mere hoodrat! 473 00:23:10,084 --> 00:23:12,394 Section 8 written all over her! 474 00:23:12,434 --> 00:23:13,874 Oh, Lord, had I only known 475 00:23:13,914 --> 00:23:17,354 the fire of hell doth burn within her legs 476 00:23:17,396 --> 00:23:21,266 and burn my penis to a crisp! [SOBS] 477 00:23:21,312 --> 00:23:25,882 Oh, Lord, why hath thou forsaken me so? 478 00:23:25,926 --> 00:23:28,706 What I would not do to get my hands on that bitch! 479 00:23:30,278 --> 00:23:32,408 Doth you not know of such, sir? 480 00:23:32,454 --> 00:23:34,544 Have you not been burned? 481 00:23:34,587 --> 00:23:36,277 Oh, indeed, let it be known. 482 00:23:36,327 --> 00:23:38,237 Stand up and tell the world of your pain, 483 00:23:38,286 --> 00:23:42,246 for alas, poor Yorick, she had burned you, too! 484 00:23:42,290 --> 00:23:47,730 Say it with me! "To pee or not to pee!" 485 00:23:48,949 --> 00:23:50,819 [GRUNTS] 486 00:23:50,864 --> 00:23:55,614 Zooman, Atlanta, and once again, the creator makes it so. 487 00:23:55,651 --> 00:23:57,091 [MUSIC PLAYING] 488 00:24:02,528 --> 00:24:05,308 I want to give personal thanks to all of... You know what I'm sayin'? 489 00:24:05,356 --> 00:24:08,926 First of all, all the comics here on the Def Comedy Jam. 490 00:24:08,969 --> 00:24:10,709 Know what I'm sayin'?[APPLAUSE] 491 00:24:10,753 --> 00:24:13,933 Past and present, but most of all, I want to thank 492 00:24:13,974 --> 00:24:17,894 Mr. Russell Simmons, y'all. Russell Simmons. 493 00:24:17,934 --> 00:24:19,684 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 494 00:24:21,938 --> 00:24:23,808 Thank you for comin' out. God bless you. Good night. 495 00:24:23,853 --> 00:24:26,123 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES] 496 00:24:26,173 --> 00:24:30,723 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 40207

Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.