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00:00:07,137 --> 00:00:10,137
KID CAPRI: It's the
Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam.
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00:00:10,184 --> 00:00:12,194
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
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00:00:15,145 --> 00:00:20,105
I am your man,
the world's greatest DJ, the Kid Capri.
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00:00:20,150 --> 00:00:21,670
With your host...
5
00:00:24,676 --> 00:00:26,026
Tonight's guests...
6
00:00:36,253 --> 00:00:38,133
Welcome to the stage,
party people,
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00:00:38,168 --> 00:00:42,998
my main man,
Mr. Ricky Harris!
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00:00:43,043 --> 00:00:46,003
[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING][MUSIC PLAYING]
9
00:01:18,643 --> 00:01:20,343
West Side!
10
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[AUDIENCE BOOING]
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00:01:24,040 --> 00:01:25,960
All right, all right,
all right.
12
00:01:25,998 --> 00:01:26,778
We don't want to start
no gang activity up in here.[AUDIENCE CHUCKLES]
13
00:01:26,825 --> 00:01:28,605
[CHUCKLES]
14
00:01:28,653 --> 00:01:31,133
You say that,
brother be, "West Side!" Kah, kah, kah!
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00:01:31,178 --> 00:01:34,618
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
16
00:01:34,659 --> 00:01:37,839
It's all good.
We on the West Side now.
17
00:01:37,880 --> 00:01:40,100
We brought the Def Jam
to y'all.
18
00:01:40,143 --> 00:01:42,233
AUDIENCE: Yeah!You know what I'm sayin'?
19
00:01:42,276 --> 00:01:43,626
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
20
00:01:46,454 --> 00:01:48,374
[RICKY CHUCKLES]
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00:01:48,412 --> 00:01:51,812
This is L.A.,
the city of La La, baby.
22
00:01:51,850 --> 00:01:55,160
You know, beautiful ladies
walkin' around. You know what I'm sayin'?
23
00:01:55,202 --> 00:01:57,332
No. No snow.[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
24
00:01:57,378 --> 00:01:59,338
You know.
25
00:01:59,380 --> 00:02:02,170
We ain't got
no snow jumpin' off.
26
00:02:02,209 --> 00:02:05,949
We ain't got to worry about
the real thick jackets
27
00:02:05,995 --> 00:02:07,775
like they do on
the East Coast.
28
00:02:07,823 --> 00:02:10,483
You know, we just...
We mellow, you know.
29
00:02:10,521 --> 00:02:13,921
You know, especially
since they done passed Proposition 215.
30
00:02:14,830 --> 00:02:17,920
[LAUGHTER][CHUCKLES]
31
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They get real mellow now.
They done legalized it... What?
32
00:02:22,751 --> 00:02:25,061
You can roll legal
with chronic?
33
00:02:25,101 --> 00:02:26,971
All you got to do is
have your paper?
34
00:02:27,016 --> 00:02:29,976
[LAUGHTER]
35
00:02:30,019 --> 00:02:33,499
I see brothers gettin'
pulled over, just pulin' out any kind of paper.
36
00:02:33,544 --> 00:02:35,424
"Hold up, dog. Hold up.
Hold up."
37
00:02:35,459 --> 00:02:37,159
[LAUGHTER]
38
00:02:37,200 --> 00:02:39,460
"No, no, no.
Hey, dog, check the glove box.
39
00:02:39,507 --> 00:02:42,547
"My paper is in
the glove box." He pull out a napkin.
40
00:02:44,120 --> 00:02:47,560
"See, that say I can smoke."
[CHUCKLES]
41
00:02:47,602 --> 00:02:50,612
I know one thing, black folk,
we takin' over.
42
00:02:50,648 --> 00:02:55,178
In the '90s we takin' over.
They gotta give us our props.
43
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Our 40 acres and a mule.
44
00:02:59,135 --> 00:03:01,875
We takin' over as far
as all the sports.
45
00:03:01,920 --> 00:03:05,400
Black people, we run
sports. Am I right?[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
46
00:03:05,446 --> 00:03:09,536
If it wasn't for black people,
sports wouldn't be... It wouldn't be no sports.
47
00:03:09,580 --> 00:03:14,240
'Cause black people,
we own the NBA, the NFL, baseball, all that.
48
00:03:14,281 --> 00:03:16,331
The Olympics. The Olympics
wouldn't have been nothin'
49
00:03:16,370 --> 00:03:19,900
without no black people
in there, man. Come on.
50
00:03:19,938 --> 00:03:25,118
I was lovin' my man
Michael Johnson, right? Brother.
51
00:03:25,161 --> 00:03:29,691
I knew he was gonna win,
'cause he talked about it for three years.
52
00:03:29,731 --> 00:03:31,911
[IMITATING MICHAEL JOHNSON]
"You know I'm gonna kick y'all ass.
53
00:03:31,950 --> 00:03:33,820
"I'mma win four medals.
54
00:03:34,692 --> 00:03:36,692
"I'mma win four medals."
55
00:03:38,435 --> 00:03:40,385
And he run like
he sit down, don't he?
56
00:03:40,437 --> 00:03:41,657
[LAUGHTER]
57
00:03:46,400 --> 00:03:47,400
[CHUCKLES]
58
00:03:48,358 --> 00:03:50,618
He's sweet.
59
00:03:50,665 --> 00:03:53,965
But we just own sports.
We have always been good at sports.
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00:03:54,016 --> 00:03:56,366
Back in Africa,
we was chuckin' spears.
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00:03:56,410 --> 00:03:58,240
[GRUNTS][LAUGHTER]
62
00:03:58,281 --> 00:04:00,541
"You can't throw
that one farther than me, Kombuka."
63
00:04:00,588 --> 00:04:02,888
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
64
00:04:02,938 --> 00:04:04,768
[GRUNTS]
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00:04:04,809 --> 00:04:07,379
We have always been good
at sports, man.
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00:04:07,421 --> 00:04:09,341
The NFL, you know
that's where the...
67
00:04:09,379 --> 00:04:11,859
The NFL stands
for Negro for Life.
68
00:04:11,903 --> 00:04:13,253
[LAUGHTER]
69
00:04:13,296 --> 00:04:15,256
The NBA,
Nothin' But Africans.
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00:04:18,083 --> 00:04:21,523
We run sports.
We takin' over all sports.
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00:04:21,565 --> 00:04:23,915
In a minute,
we gonna run tennis.
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00:04:23,959 --> 00:04:26,919
Tennis is gonna be taken over
'cause we got a little sister.
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00:04:26,962 --> 00:04:29,532
We got a couple sisters
comin' up right now.
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00:04:29,573 --> 00:04:31,013
One of them from Compton.
75
00:04:31,053 --> 00:04:32,583
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
76
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From the CPT.
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00:04:35,666 --> 00:04:39,926
Yeah, you know she harder
than a... [GRUNTS] You know she hard.
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00:04:39,975 --> 00:04:41,975
From the CPT?
You know, 'cause she's...
79
00:04:42,020 --> 00:04:44,890
You know, her name is,
uh, Venus Williams?[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS]
80
00:04:44,936 --> 00:04:47,326
You know she didn't start off
with no regular equipment.
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00:04:47,374 --> 00:04:49,334
[LAUGHTER]
82
00:04:49,376 --> 00:04:51,116
[CHUCKLES]
Comin' from Compton.
83
00:04:51,160 --> 00:04:53,120
You know,
they didn't even know what tennis was.
84
00:04:53,162 --> 00:04:55,822
She in the backyard
with a spatula and a Wiffle ball.
85
00:05:01,649 --> 00:05:03,129
Her daddy like,
"Hold on, baby, let me...
86
00:05:03,172 --> 00:05:05,962
"Let me move
the clothes line down some. Come on.
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00:05:06,001 --> 00:05:08,831
"Go on, hit it again,
baby girl. Hit it again." [CHUCKLES]
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They scared of her ass.
They say, "Keep her out just a little longer.
89
00:05:14,792 --> 00:05:17,452
"We gotta bring
the little white girl back that's on a crack addict.
90
00:05:17,491 --> 00:05:18,841
"We gotta bring her back."
91
00:05:20,232 --> 00:05:22,152
[CHUCKLES]
92
00:05:22,191 --> 00:05:25,411
You know, we running sports.
You know, golf.
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00:05:25,455 --> 00:05:27,755
In a minute
we gonna hold down on that.
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00:05:27,805 --> 00:05:29,625
What they gonna be able
to do then?
95
00:05:29,677 --> 00:05:31,767
'Cause they gonna have
to make some more holes.
96
00:05:31,809 --> 00:05:33,419
[LAUGHTER]
97
00:05:33,463 --> 00:05:36,513
We... Uh, there's
137 holes now.
98
00:05:38,860 --> 00:05:41,210
The negroes
are taking over.
99
00:05:41,253 --> 00:05:43,653
Tiger Woods gonna
see to that. He gonna...
100
00:05:46,302 --> 00:05:48,572
But we gotta
watch him though.
101
00:05:48,609 --> 00:05:51,829
'Cause he, he don't know
what he is quite yet.
102
00:05:51,873 --> 00:05:54,483
Got to watch him.
He talkin' about he... He don't know.
103
00:05:54,528 --> 00:05:57,748
He multi. No.
You're black.[LAUGHTER]
104
00:05:57,792 --> 00:05:59,322
Better he read a book.
105
00:06:00,185 --> 00:06:02,265
[CHUCKLES]
106
00:06:02,318 --> 00:06:04,578
Let him be on them courses,
one of them courses they don't want no niggers on.
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00:06:04,625 --> 00:06:06,145
He'll find out real quick.
108
00:06:06,191 --> 00:06:08,061
They say,
"Nigger, get the ball."
109
00:06:08,106 --> 00:06:09,236
[LAUGHTER]
110
00:06:10,065 --> 00:06:11,845
"Hey, I play here."
111
00:06:11,893 --> 00:06:13,073
[LAUGHTER]
112
00:06:16,854 --> 00:06:19,514
And I like golf.
Golf is a cool sport.
113
00:06:19,553 --> 00:06:22,383
You know, me and my homies,
we go play all the time.
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00:06:22,425 --> 00:06:24,245
Me and the little homey,
we be out there playin',
115
00:06:24,296 --> 00:06:27,036
but you know,
we ain't really got all the...
116
00:06:27,082 --> 00:06:29,132
[STAMMERS] You know,
the right, you know...
117
00:06:29,171 --> 00:06:32,391
It's like we only got, like,
between us, like, five clubs.
118
00:06:32,435 --> 00:06:33,775
[LAUGHTER]
119
00:06:33,828 --> 00:06:36,698
And it be, like, seven of us.
[CHUCKLES]
120
00:06:36,744 --> 00:06:39,924
We out there,
all the clubs got socks on 'em. [CHUCKLES]
121
00:06:39,964 --> 00:06:42,714
We out there
in the little cart, the cart got switches on it.
122
00:06:42,750 --> 00:06:44,750
[VOCALIZES]
123
00:06:44,795 --> 00:06:46,575
We playin'...
'Cause you know it's supposed to be real quiet.
124
00:06:46,623 --> 00:06:48,453
Shh. Be quiet.
125
00:06:48,495 --> 00:06:50,665
The homey like,
"Hey, dog! How you gonna hit that, dog?
126
00:06:50,714 --> 00:06:52,854
"What club
you gonna use, dog?"
127
00:06:52,890 --> 00:06:55,460
I'm like, "Yo, just
pitch it to me, dog. Just pitch it to me."
128
00:06:55,502 --> 00:06:57,292
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
129
00:07:00,942 --> 00:07:02,992
And I definitely gotta give,
you know what I'm sayin',
130
00:07:03,031 --> 00:07:07,471
props to my East Coast
nigga for life. You know what I'm sayin'?
131
00:07:07,514 --> 00:07:10,174
My homeboy
DJ Kid Capri, y'all.
132
00:07:10,212 --> 00:07:12,432
Give it up for him.
Know what I'm sayin'?
133
00:07:14,956 --> 00:07:17,606
The coldest DJ ever.
134
00:07:17,654 --> 00:07:19,964
All right,
I wanna say this, too,
135
00:07:20,004 --> 00:07:24,234
if any y'all got homies
or homegirls or whatever, you know, incarcerated...
136
00:07:26,010 --> 00:07:30,060
On a little vacation,
you know, write 'em.
137
00:07:30,101 --> 00:07:33,321
You know, write 'em
a letter and let 'em know that you love 'em.
138
00:07:35,455 --> 00:07:39,235
You know,
and if you doin' crimes, do it by yourself.
139
00:07:39,284 --> 00:07:42,294
You know what I'm sayin'?
Don't do no crime with somebody else, you know,
140
00:07:42,331 --> 00:07:44,681
and then they gonna go,
you know, if y'all...
141
00:07:44,725 --> 00:07:48,505
If y'all get caught,
you know they gonna fink on you.
142
00:07:48,555 --> 00:07:50,635
'Cause who want to do time
by theyself?
143
00:07:51,993 --> 00:07:54,003
You know what I'm sayin'?
If you...
144
00:07:54,038 --> 00:07:55,518
If you do the crime
by yourself, you ain't got to worry about.
145
00:07:55,562 --> 00:07:58,092
When he get caught,
you know, you hidin' good.
146
00:07:58,129 --> 00:08:00,479
You all hidden. You all up
underneath the tree.
147
00:08:00,523 --> 00:08:02,703
You got leaves on you.[LAUGHTER]
148
00:08:02,743 --> 00:08:05,533
You like,
"Damn, they got him."
149
00:08:05,572 --> 00:08:08,792
He handcuffed goin' away,
talkin' about, "Come on, Rick. They got us."
150
00:08:08,836 --> 00:08:09,876
[LAUGHTER]
151
00:08:11,795 --> 00:08:13,665
"They got both of us, dog.
Come on."
152
00:08:15,016 --> 00:08:17,276
"Nigga, they got you."
153
00:08:17,322 --> 00:08:21,722
[CHUCKLES] Do the crime
by yourself, man.
154
00:08:21,762 --> 00:08:24,632
All right. We gonna
keep this show rollin'. Dig.
155
00:08:24,678 --> 00:08:27,508
All the way
from Washington D.C., you know what I'm sayin'?
156
00:08:27,550 --> 00:08:32,640
Y'all put y'all hands together
for the comedy styles of Mike Brooks, y'all.
157
00:08:32,686 --> 00:08:34,636
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE][MUSIC PLAYING]
158
00:08:50,573 --> 00:08:52,013
Wassup, y'all?[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS]
159
00:08:52,053 --> 00:08:54,063
Black folks love to dance,
don't we?
160
00:08:54,098 --> 00:08:55,578
I'm gonna tell y'all
some funny shit.
161
00:08:55,622 --> 00:08:57,322
You ever been
in a club dancin'
162
00:08:57,362 --> 00:08:59,802
and realized your deodorant
done ran out?
163
00:08:59,843 --> 00:09:02,413
So it make your ass
switch up and do another dance?
164
00:09:02,454 --> 00:09:04,204
You up in the club dancin'...
165
00:09:04,239 --> 00:09:05,679
[MUSIC PLAYING]
166
00:09:05,719 --> 00:09:06,889
[CHEERING]
167
00:09:12,726 --> 00:09:13,766
[LAUGHTER]
168
00:09:17,600 --> 00:09:21,130
Wassup? Show me love in this
motherfucker, y'all!
169
00:09:21,169 --> 00:09:23,349
I'mma tell y'all something.
170
00:09:23,388 --> 00:09:24,868
I'mma tell y'all something.
171
00:09:24,912 --> 00:09:27,092
I'm glad to be out here.
Almost didn't make it.
172
00:09:27,131 --> 00:09:29,261
Fuckin' around with them
damn dumb ass police.
173
00:09:29,307 --> 00:09:32,137
Don't y'all hate dumb police,
by round of applause?
174
00:09:32,180 --> 00:09:34,100
'Cause they pull you over...[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
175
00:09:34,138 --> 00:09:36,268
They pull you over
just to ask you dumb shit.
176
00:09:36,314 --> 00:09:39,454
Police pull me over
a couple days ago. Gonna walk up to my car.
177
00:09:39,491 --> 00:09:41,231
Talkin' about,
"Sir, why were you speedin'?"
178
00:09:41,276 --> 00:09:43,366
Motherfucker,
because I didn't see you.[LAUGHTER]
179
00:09:43,408 --> 00:09:45,798
You think I'd have been
speedin' if I saw your ass?
180
00:09:45,846 --> 00:09:47,936
Then they talkin' about,
"Oh, do you know how fast you were goin'?"
181
00:09:47,978 --> 00:09:50,678
Obviously not fast enough
if you caught up with my ass.
182
00:09:50,720 --> 00:09:52,980
And why do people always
act like they scared to look at the police?
183
00:09:53,027 --> 00:09:54,637
When they pull up beside you,
like at a light?
184
00:09:54,681 --> 00:09:56,551
You ever notice?
You don't ever look at them eye to eye.
185
00:09:56,596 --> 00:09:58,376
You tryin' to peep out
the corner of your eye and shit.
186
00:09:58,423 --> 00:10:00,643
"Oh, shit. Don't look.
There they go, there they go."
187
00:10:00,687 --> 00:10:02,117
You see 'em
in the rear-view mirror,
188
00:10:02,166 --> 00:10:04,126
you try to reach
for your seat belt on the sly.
189
00:10:04,168 --> 00:10:06,738
"Oh, these motherfuckers
about to pull me over and shit, man.
190
00:10:06,780 --> 00:10:08,740
"Gonna call my tags
and shit in."
191
00:10:08,782 --> 00:10:10,612
And you always got somebody
that's ridin' with you
192
00:10:10,653 --> 00:10:12,223
tryin' to get you
in trouble. "Man, fuck him. He ain't gonna...
193
00:10:12,263 --> 00:10:14,223
"Oh, damn.
He about to pull you over, man."
194
00:10:14,265 --> 00:10:16,615
"Tell that nigga I'm asleep."
195
00:10:16,659 --> 00:10:18,269
That's why I don't like
people ridin' with me,
196
00:10:18,313 --> 00:10:20,363
'cause they try to get you
in trouble.
197
00:10:20,402 --> 00:10:23,712
They sneak weed in your car
and don't let you know until you get pulled over.
198
00:10:23,753 --> 00:10:26,713
Fucker, "Whoo!
What you want me to do with this?"
199
00:10:26,756 --> 00:10:28,756
"Fucker, with what?"
200
00:10:28,802 --> 00:10:30,412
"Nigger, don't act like
you ain't know I had weed in the car."
201
00:10:30,455 --> 00:10:31,935
[LAUGHTER]
202
00:10:31,979 --> 00:10:33,939
I hate bein' around
brothers that get high
203
00:10:33,981 --> 00:10:36,161
'cause they lie too much.
Ladies, y'all see 'em. They get...
204
00:10:36,200 --> 00:10:39,460
He ain't even high yet.
He take one puff off the joint and start lyin'.
205
00:10:39,508 --> 00:10:42,078
Nigga talkin' about...
[BLOWS]
206
00:10:42,119 --> 00:10:45,299
"You know I'm about
to go get a BMW tomorrow, right?
207
00:10:45,340 --> 00:10:48,650
"Dude told me to bring
two dollars down there, he was gonna look out for me."
208
00:10:48,691 --> 00:10:51,091
Motherfucker, stop lyin'.
209
00:10:51,128 --> 00:10:53,518
And I hate when people
get high and do dumb shit.
210
00:10:53,565 --> 00:10:55,865
My uncle,
he get high every night and just say dumb shit.
211
00:10:55,916 --> 00:10:57,656
Just like last night.
I knew he was high.
212
00:10:57,700 --> 00:11:00,360
His dumb ass gonna page me.
I called him back.
213
00:11:00,398 --> 00:11:03,178
He talkin' about, "How you get
the number over here?"[LAUGHTER]
214
00:11:03,227 --> 00:11:05,667
Motherfucker,
you paged me.
215
00:11:05,708 --> 00:11:08,838
He talkin' about, "Oh, yeah,
that's right. Damn."
216
00:11:08,885 --> 00:11:10,965
And ladies, y'all...
Y'all just as bad when y'all get high.
217
00:11:11,018 --> 00:11:13,278
Y'all get high and want
to start fights and shit.
218
00:11:13,324 --> 00:11:14,944
I used to mess
with this one girl,
219
00:11:14,978 --> 00:11:16,408
every time she got high,
always wanted to start shit.
220
00:11:16,458 --> 00:11:17,808
That's why I never wanted
to take her out.
221
00:11:17,851 --> 00:11:19,201
One time I took her
to a club.
222
00:11:19,243 --> 00:11:21,163
Soon as we get in the club,
she startin' shit.
223
00:11:21,202 --> 00:11:23,252
She walk up in there
talkin' about... [BLOWS]
224
00:11:23,291 --> 00:11:25,991
"I'm gonna steal that bitch
that keep starin' at me."[LAUGHTER]
225
00:11:26,033 --> 00:11:28,083
"Girl, who the hell
you talkin' about?"
226
00:11:28,122 --> 00:11:30,252
"That bitch right there
that keep lookin' over here."
227
00:11:30,298 --> 00:11:32,338
Like, "Girl, that's a mirror.
What the fuck is wrong with you? Damn!
228
00:11:32,387 --> 00:11:34,477
"Look, that's you.
229
00:11:34,519 --> 00:11:36,869
"Damn, go home.
Shit, go home. Damn."
230
00:11:38,349 --> 00:11:40,479
Old ghetto ass girl, man.
231
00:11:40,525 --> 00:11:42,785
Treat y'all women right.
I'm gonna tell y'all this shit, fellas.
232
00:11:42,832 --> 00:11:44,312
Treat 'em right.[CHEERS]
233
00:11:44,355 --> 00:11:46,225
I'm serious.
234
00:11:46,270 --> 00:11:48,450
'Cause you only give...
You only fall in love one time.
235
00:11:48,490 --> 00:11:50,750
After that,
the shit is over.
236
00:11:50,797 --> 00:11:52,357
Brothers try to play
shit off when they break up with they girls and shit.
237
00:11:52,407 --> 00:11:54,367
When they on the phone
with 'em, tryin' to act like
238
00:11:54,409 --> 00:11:56,279
the shit don't, you know,
don't bother us when we break up.
239
00:11:56,324 --> 00:11:58,464
You know,
we on the phone and shit, "Yeah, yeah. Wassup?
240
00:11:58,500 --> 00:12:02,200
"Wait. Yeah, yeah.
I was doin'... I was thinkin' the same thing, too.
241
00:12:02,243 --> 00:12:05,773
"Maybe you need
to go your way, I need to go mine.
242
00:12:05,812 --> 00:12:08,822
"Fuck it.
Make it easy on yourself. Make it easy on yourself.
243
00:12:10,860 --> 00:12:13,040
"Well, if you gonna leave,
leave.
244
00:12:13,080 --> 00:12:16,390
"Well, shit.
I'll talk to you later then. Okay. Bye. Shit."
245
00:12:16,431 --> 00:12:18,911
And you hang up.
You know you hurt 'cause you start talkin' to yourself.
246
00:12:18,955 --> 00:12:21,035
"Bitch gonna talk about
she don't want to be with nobody and shit.
247
00:12:21,088 --> 00:12:23,388
"Yeah, okay.
Yeah, okay. What?
248
00:12:23,438 --> 00:12:25,698
"I bet she need me
before I need her, watch."
249
00:12:27,268 --> 00:12:29,008
And I hate them sneaky women.
250
00:12:29,052 --> 00:12:30,362
You know the women
that are always up to something.
251
00:12:30,401 --> 00:12:31,881
You can tell
when your girl's sneaky.
252
00:12:31,925 --> 00:12:33,615
'Cause whenever you
tell her you gettin' ready
253
00:12:33,665 --> 00:12:35,795
to go out with your friends
or something to play ball,
254
00:12:35,842 --> 00:12:37,632
she tell you to go ahead,
but then she get that little laugh behind it.
255
00:12:37,669 --> 00:12:39,149
"Baby, look.
We gettin' ready to go play some ball.
256
00:12:39,193 --> 00:12:40,463
"Everything... You straight?
Everything cool?"
257
00:12:40,498 --> 00:12:41,668
"Who... Oh, fuck.
Yeah. Go ahead.
258
00:12:41,717 --> 00:12:43,107
"Do what y'all want to do."
[CHUCKLES]
259
00:12:44,415 --> 00:12:46,065
"What the hell
you laughin' for?"
260
00:12:46,113 --> 00:12:48,423
"Stay out all night
if you want to." [CHUCKLES]
261
00:12:48,463 --> 00:12:49,773
Because that shit
ain't right.
262
00:12:49,812 --> 00:12:51,472
Peace and love.
I'm Michael Brooks.
263
00:12:51,509 --> 00:12:53,119
Good night.
I'm up out of here.[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
264
00:13:04,087 --> 00:13:06,257
Man, that boy's sick!
265
00:13:06,307 --> 00:13:08,397
One more time, y'all,
for Mike. Give it up.
266
00:13:08,439 --> 00:13:10,879
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
267
00:13:10,920 --> 00:13:14,450
That's was his first time
doin' the Def Comedy Jam,man.
268
00:13:14,489 --> 00:13:16,319
So it's gettin' to be
the holidays, you know what I'm sayin'?
269
00:13:16,360 --> 00:13:18,620
I know everybody likes
celebratin' with they family.
270
00:13:18,667 --> 00:13:21,537
You know, holiday.
I hate the holidays.
271
00:13:21,583 --> 00:13:23,503
I don't know about
anybody else.
272
00:13:23,541 --> 00:13:25,811
I'm one of them
Scrooge type persons.[SCATTERED LAUGHTER]
273
00:13:25,848 --> 00:13:28,848
I was one of them
bitter kids for Christmas.
274
00:13:28,895 --> 00:13:30,415
You know, 'cause a brother
could never get
275
00:13:30,461 --> 00:13:32,721
what he really,
really wanted, you know.
276
00:13:32,768 --> 00:13:34,118
You know,
you see somethin' like,
277
00:13:34,161 --> 00:13:37,211
"Ooh, the Muhammed Ali
boxing ring! Ooh!
278
00:13:37,251 --> 00:13:38,641
"I want that, Mama!"
279
00:13:38,687 --> 00:13:39,987
"You ain't gonna get that.
280
00:13:40,036 --> 00:13:42,076
[LAUGHTER]
281
00:13:42,125 --> 00:13:44,205
"You might get
Joe Frazier.
282
00:13:44,258 --> 00:13:47,438
[CHUCKLES]
"You ain't gonna get Muhammed Ali."
283
00:13:47,478 --> 00:13:50,738
I was bitter. Mad, man.
284
00:13:50,786 --> 00:13:53,086
I say that
'cause I got kids now.
285
00:13:53,136 --> 00:13:54,956
And you know, I was like,
last week,
286
00:13:55,008 --> 00:13:56,568
I was puttin' together
some of my...
287
00:13:56,618 --> 00:13:59,138
My daughter's little gifts
or whatever.
288
00:13:59,186 --> 00:14:01,316
You know, startin' early
'cause it take me that long
289
00:14:01,362 --> 00:14:03,282
to put these...
Put it together.
290
00:14:03,320 --> 00:14:06,630
You know, anybody ever
had to put together some kids' toys?
291
00:14:06,671 --> 00:14:10,201
And the kid be just
worrying you. "You done yet?"
292
00:14:10,240 --> 00:14:14,810
"No, I'm not done yet.
Go sit your ass down somewhere
293
00:14:14,854 --> 00:14:17,774
"and let Daddy try to put
this damn thing together."
294
00:14:17,813 --> 00:14:19,473
[LAUGHTER][CHUCKLES]
295
00:14:19,510 --> 00:14:21,950
"What's this?"
"That's... I'll take that."
296
00:14:24,428 --> 00:14:28,868
And then when you finish,
you always have, like, somethin' left.
297
00:14:28,911 --> 00:14:32,051
[CHUCKLES] Like either a screw
or a button or somethin'.
298
00:14:32,088 --> 00:14:33,438
And then, like,
"Don't worry about it.
299
00:14:33,481 --> 00:14:34,921
"Just go on
and play with it.
300
00:14:34,961 --> 00:14:36,921
"If it fall apart,
bring it back in here."
301
00:14:36,963 --> 00:14:38,663
[LAUGHTER][RICKY CHUCKLES]
302
00:14:41,619 --> 00:14:43,839
All right, look.
We gonna keep the show rollin'.
303
00:14:43,883 --> 00:14:46,233
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Y'all ready for the next...
304
00:14:46,276 --> 00:14:47,966
AUDIENCE: Yeah!All right. Yeah.
305
00:14:48,017 --> 00:14:50,017
Y'all ready
for the next comic, let me hear you say "Yeah."
306
00:14:50,063 --> 00:14:51,723
AUDIENCE: Yeah!All right, dig.
307
00:14:51,760 --> 00:14:53,240
Y'all put
y'all hands together
308
00:14:53,283 --> 00:14:56,983
for the comedy styles
of the Figman, y'all.
309
00:14:57,026 --> 00:14:59,286
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE][MUSIC PLAYING]
310
00:15:07,167 --> 00:15:08,907
Wassup, L.A.?
311
00:15:08,951 --> 00:15:10,391
AUDIENCE: Wassup?
312
00:15:10,431 --> 00:15:13,391
Awe, yeah! I got to see
who's in the house!
313
00:15:13,434 --> 00:15:16,004
Let me hear all the ladies
in the house say, "ow!"
314
00:15:16,045 --> 00:15:18,085
WOMEN: Ow!
315
00:15:18,134 --> 00:15:20,484
Now the troopers,
all the homeboys, let me hear y'all say, "ho!"
316
00:15:20,528 --> 00:15:22,438
MEN: Ho!
317
00:15:22,486 --> 00:15:24,446
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm gonna tell y'all something right now.
318
00:15:24,488 --> 00:15:26,798
I got to keep it real.
I want you all to keep it real with me.
319
00:15:26,838 --> 00:15:28,708
I love y'all to death,
sisters.
320
00:15:28,753 --> 00:15:30,153
I love y'all to death,
but I'm gonna tell y'all somethin'.
321
00:15:30,190 --> 00:15:31,540
Y'all doin' some stuff
that ain't got no...
322
00:15:31,582 --> 00:15:33,412
Y'all ain't got
no business doin' it.
323
00:15:33,454 --> 00:15:34,764
Now, see,
let me tell you somethin'.
324
00:15:34,803 --> 00:15:36,763
I don't mind
you groomin' yourself.
325
00:15:36,805 --> 00:15:40,235
That little bikini wax
you do there? That's all good.
326
00:15:40,287 --> 00:15:43,987
You know, if you want
to shave up under your arms, that's all good.
327
00:15:44,030 --> 00:15:46,990
If you want
to shave your legs, that's good.
328
00:15:47,033 --> 00:15:48,733
But here's where
you lose me.
329
00:15:50,819 --> 00:15:54,999
Y'all get a razor,
some clippers,
330
00:15:55,041 --> 00:16:00,091
and you shave your eyebrows
completely off!
331
00:16:00,133 --> 00:16:03,753
Then get a pencil
and draw in new ones.
332
00:16:03,788 --> 00:16:05,968
[CHEERS AND LAUGHTER]
333
00:16:06,008 --> 00:16:08,268
And all of y'all can't draw!
334
00:16:08,315 --> 00:16:09,525
[LAUGHTER]
335
00:16:11,492 --> 00:16:14,452
You ain't got no business
drawin' on your face!
336
00:16:14,495 --> 00:16:17,015
All y'all get the pencil,
drawin' it all high up on your forehead,
337
00:16:17,063 --> 00:16:18,933
comin' in the club,
lookin' surprised,
338
00:16:18,978 --> 00:16:21,978
talkin' about,
"Hey! Hey! Wassup? Wassup? Hey! Wassup?"
339
00:16:23,199 --> 00:16:25,679
You ain't got no business
doin' that!
340
00:16:25,723 --> 00:16:27,423
And the worst part
about it, you in the club,
341
00:16:27,464 --> 00:16:29,424
you partyin',
you gettin' your little swerve on,
342
00:16:29,466 --> 00:16:31,596
all of a sudden,
you get a little personal eraser happening.
343
00:16:31,642 --> 00:16:33,992
You get a handkerchief,
you wipe your face, now you got one eyebrow.
344
00:16:34,036 --> 00:16:34,986
[LAUGHTER]
345
00:16:41,696 --> 00:16:43,476
That don't make no sense!
346
00:16:43,524 --> 00:16:45,924
Come on, I love you.
I love y'all to death.
347
00:16:45,961 --> 00:16:47,401
Love you all sisters.
But see,
348
00:16:47,441 --> 00:16:49,701
sisters, y'all want
a whole lot of stuff
349
00:16:49,747 --> 00:16:52,227
and y'all don't want
to give nothin' back.
350
00:16:52,272 --> 00:16:54,062
Yes indeed.
How many sisters...
351
00:16:54,100 --> 00:16:55,880
I'm gonna ask y'all
a question. Now, keep it real.
352
00:16:55,927 --> 00:16:59,497
How many sisters will go
downtown on they man and hook him up?
353
00:16:59,540 --> 00:17:01,060
Let me hear y'all
make some noise.
354
00:17:01,107 --> 00:17:04,457
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
355
00:17:04,501 --> 00:17:06,901
Just a couple.
Just a couple. Just a couple.
356
00:17:06,938 --> 00:17:08,678
And the rest of y'all lyin'.
357
00:17:08,723 --> 00:17:10,073
[LAUGHTER]
358
00:17:10,116 --> 00:17:11,376
But don't say nothin'.
Don't say nothin'.
359
00:17:11,421 --> 00:17:12,861
It's all right if you don't
say nothin',
360
00:17:12,901 --> 00:17:14,901
'cause brothers,
it's our fault.
361
00:17:14,946 --> 00:17:16,506
If they don't say nothin',
it's our fault. I'mma tell you why.
362
00:17:16,557 --> 00:17:20,167
Fellas, a girl hook you up,
hit you off lovely,
363
00:17:20,213 --> 00:17:22,173
you can't keep
your mouth closed.
364
00:17:22,215 --> 00:17:26,955
Next day you out
with the boys talkin' about, "Yo, kid. Whoo!
365
00:17:27,002 --> 00:17:29,142
"I swear to God, son,
you ain't gonna believe this, yo.
366
00:17:29,178 --> 00:17:32,088
[LAUGHS]
"You remember Shaniqua?
367
00:17:32,138 --> 00:17:34,488
"From last night?
Your kid brought it to the house.
368
00:17:34,531 --> 00:17:35,921
"I'm gonna tell you
somethin', yo.
369
00:17:35,967 --> 00:17:40,187
"Shaniqua suck a mean dick.
I swear to God, yo."
370
00:17:40,233 --> 00:17:43,063
That don't make...
That's disrespectful. That's disrespectful.
371
00:17:43,105 --> 00:17:48,195
I'mma ask y'all right now,
what is a mean dick, ladies?
372
00:17:48,241 --> 00:17:51,201
Have y'all ever seen
a mean dick? Come on, now.
373
00:17:51,244 --> 00:17:53,124
What does a mean dick
look like?
374
00:17:53,159 --> 00:17:57,509
I heard of a mean dog,
a ferocious lion, but what's a mean dick?
375
00:17:57,554 --> 00:17:59,904
You gonna walk
over to your man, pull his zipper down,
376
00:17:59,948 --> 00:18:02,988
his dick gonna jump out
his drawers like... [BARKING]
377
00:18:03,038 --> 00:18:04,778
[LAUGHTER]
378
00:18:04,822 --> 00:18:06,912
"Whoa, you got
a mean dick, baby!"
379
00:18:06,955 --> 00:18:08,735
Some of y'all got that brother
with that little mean dick, like...
380
00:18:08,783 --> 00:18:10,793
[CHIHUAHUA BARKING]
381
00:18:13,135 --> 00:18:14,565
And some of y'all
got that brother
382
00:18:14,615 --> 00:18:15,955
with that old mean dick,
be like...
383
00:18:16,007 --> 00:18:18,007
[HOUND DOG BARKING
AND COUGHING]
384
00:18:20,055 --> 00:18:22,445
Yo, y'all, my name is Fig.
I'm out of here, y'all. Peace!
385
00:18:22,492 --> 00:18:24,492
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
386
00:18:32,763 --> 00:18:33,983
[APPLAUSE CONTINUES]
387
00:18:37,072 --> 00:18:39,682
All right, yo.
We gonna keep this show rollin'.
388
00:18:39,727 --> 00:18:42,947
Dig this.
This next cat is all the way from Atlanta, GA.
389
00:18:42,991 --> 00:18:45,171
One of funniest cats
I have ever seen.
390
00:18:45,211 --> 00:18:48,391
I'm tellin' y'all.
You know what I'm sayin'? This brother is hilarious.
391
00:18:48,431 --> 00:18:50,871
Y'all put your hands
together right now
392
00:18:50,912 --> 00:18:54,442
for the comedy styles
of the Zooman.
393
00:18:54,481 --> 00:18:56,531
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE][MUSIC PLAYING]
394
00:19:07,668 --> 00:19:09,968
What's happenin', L.A.?
What's goin' on?[SCATTERED CHEERING]
395
00:19:10,018 --> 00:19:12,278
That's not everybody.
What's up L.A.? What's goin' on?
396
00:19:12,325 --> 00:19:14,405
[LOUD CHEERING]All right.
397
00:19:14,457 --> 00:19:17,807
Kid Capri up in here
spinnin' them hits like crazy.
398
00:19:17,852 --> 00:19:19,852
We got some hits out there
nowadays, man.
399
00:19:19,897 --> 00:19:21,377
That's why
I'm happy for music,
400
00:19:21,421 --> 00:19:23,161
but we also got some stuff
I don't understand.
401
00:19:24,380 --> 00:19:27,430
I heard a song
with a pimp rappin'.
402
00:19:27,470 --> 00:19:29,390
That's why we can't do
the national anthem no more
403
00:19:29,429 --> 00:19:32,299
'cause black people
can't sing the regular version.
404
00:19:32,345 --> 00:19:35,085
Gotta do the remix.
Teddy Riley in the back, "Yep, yep."
405
00:19:35,130 --> 00:19:37,920
[LAUGHTER]
406
00:19:37,959 --> 00:19:41,049
Black people do this
like a concert. They come out...
407
00:19:41,092 --> 00:19:43,702
"How y'all doin'
this evening?
408
00:19:43,747 --> 00:19:46,707
"We gonna slow it down
just a little bit
409
00:19:46,750 --> 00:19:50,190
"and do this song for all
the lovers in the house.
410
00:19:50,232 --> 00:19:51,802
"It's a song written
a long time ago.
411
00:19:51,842 --> 00:19:53,582
"I'm gonna do my own version,
if y'all don't mind,
412
00:19:53,627 --> 00:19:56,717
"without the music.
We gonna do it Acapulco."
413
00:19:56,760 --> 00:19:58,200
[LAUGHTER]
414
00:20:00,068 --> 00:20:02,108
[VOCALIZING]
415
00:20:03,158 --> 00:20:08,378
♪ Ooh, yeah, baby
416
00:20:10,818 --> 00:20:12,648
♪ Ooh, say
417
00:20:13,603 --> 00:20:16,223
♪ Can you see
418
00:20:23,483 --> 00:20:27,103
♪ By the dawn's early...
[HUMS]
419
00:20:29,271 --> 00:20:32,491
♪ What so proudly we hailed
420
00:20:33,275 --> 00:20:34,225
Okay?
421
00:20:35,973 --> 00:20:38,243
♪ At the twilight's
422
00:20:38,280 --> 00:20:40,540
[VOCALIZES]
423
00:20:40,587 --> 00:20:42,197
♪ Stripes
424
00:20:43,894 --> 00:20:45,514
Oh, you know...
They don't know the words.
425
00:20:45,548 --> 00:20:50,898
♪ In my car...[VOCALIZES]
It's all right ♪
426
00:20:50,945 --> 00:20:52,945
[CONTINUES VOCALIZING]
427
00:20:56,907 --> 00:20:58,427
[APPLAUSE]
428
00:20:58,474 --> 00:21:00,564
"You know, let me talk
to y'all for a minute.
429
00:21:00,607 --> 00:21:02,517
"You know,
when I think of the flag...
430
00:21:04,219 --> 00:21:06,399
"All it means to me..."
431
00:21:06,439 --> 00:21:08,919
[SCATTERED LAUGHTER]
432
00:21:08,963 --> 00:21:11,363
Music has taken
a weird ass turn.
433
00:21:11,400 --> 00:21:12,710
[LAUGHTER]
434
00:21:15,752 --> 00:21:17,622
I can't meet the woman
I want to meet no more.
435
00:21:17,667 --> 00:21:19,967
Fellas,
watch what you do, man. Looks are deceiving.
436
00:21:20,017 --> 00:21:21,927
How many of y'all fellas,
round of applause, give it to me,
437
00:21:21,976 --> 00:21:24,016
have met a whole group
of fine women,
438
00:21:24,065 --> 00:21:26,585
and you don't know
which one to talk to?[APPLAUSE]
439
00:21:26,633 --> 00:21:29,113
So you normally talk
to the one you think gonna give you some, right?
440
00:21:29,157 --> 00:21:31,547
Watch yourself.
Watch yourself.
441
00:21:31,594 --> 00:21:33,344
I grabbed the one I thought
was gonna give me some.
442
00:21:33,379 --> 00:21:36,339
Mini skirt, titties all out,
got back to her crib, right?
443
00:21:36,382 --> 00:21:39,212
She was like,
"I'll be right back." I said, "Oh, shit."
444
00:21:39,254 --> 00:21:40,604
I stripped down
to my boxers.
445
00:21:40,647 --> 00:21:42,647
She came back in the
livin' room with a Bible.
446
00:21:42,692 --> 00:21:46,132
"And Jesus said
that the sinners that fornicate burn in hell!"
447
00:21:46,174 --> 00:21:48,394
I said, "Oh, shit.
This a set up."[LAUGHTER]
448
00:21:48,437 --> 00:21:51,007
"It's a sting operation
for the church."
449
00:21:51,048 --> 00:21:52,958
Deacons bustin'
in the window. [IMITATES WHOOSHING]
450
00:21:53,007 --> 00:21:55,967
♪ God's tryin' to tell
you somethin'... ♪[LAUGHTER]
451
00:21:56,010 --> 00:21:57,580
Kirk Franklin came out
the basement,
452
00:21:57,620 --> 00:22:02,450
"We sing 'cause we happy.
We sing 'cause we free."
453
00:22:02,495 --> 00:22:04,235
"His eyes is on..."
You need to pull your pants up.
454
00:22:04,279 --> 00:22:06,019
"His eyes is on
the sparrows."
455
00:22:08,544 --> 00:22:12,114
And protect yourself
when you're doin' that, too. Protect yourself.
456
00:22:12,156 --> 00:22:15,416
You can fuck around and die
from that bullshit and it ain't no joke.
457
00:22:15,464 --> 00:22:18,824
You know what I'm sayin'?
Many people over history have died, man.
458
00:22:18,859 --> 00:22:20,379
Hitler. You know
what I'm sayin'?
459
00:22:20,426 --> 00:22:21,906
They said he had some shit,
got caught some shit.
460
00:22:21,949 --> 00:22:24,259
They told me
Shakespeare got burnt.
461
00:22:24,299 --> 00:22:27,559
That fucked me up.
'Cause I ain't never seen that play.
462
00:22:27,607 --> 00:22:29,607
[LAUGHTER]
463
00:22:29,652 --> 00:22:32,052
Shakespeare gettin' burnt.
It's all dramatic, you know that is.
464
00:22:32,960 --> 00:22:34,660
[LAUGHTER]
465
00:22:36,224 --> 00:22:37,974
[SOBBING]
466
00:22:42,535 --> 00:22:43,535
[BLOWING]
467
00:22:45,059 --> 00:22:46,889
Cast these demons!
468
00:22:48,976 --> 00:22:53,886
Am I forever cursed
to spit fire from my loins
469
00:22:53,937 --> 00:22:55,547
as a dragon does?
470
00:22:57,376 --> 00:23:00,676
What manner of witchery
is this?
471
00:23:00,727 --> 00:23:04,987
Had I only known!
God, had I only known!
472
00:23:05,035 --> 00:23:10,035
Had I only known
that she was not a princess, but a mere hoodrat!
473
00:23:10,084 --> 00:23:12,394
Section 8 written
all over her!
474
00:23:12,434 --> 00:23:13,874
Oh, Lord,
had I only known
475
00:23:13,914 --> 00:23:17,354
the fire of hell doth burn
within her legs
476
00:23:17,396 --> 00:23:21,266
and burn my penis
to a crisp! [SOBS]
477
00:23:21,312 --> 00:23:25,882
Oh, Lord, why hath thou
forsaken me so?
478
00:23:25,926 --> 00:23:28,706
What I would not do
to get my hands on that bitch!
479
00:23:30,278 --> 00:23:32,408
Doth you not know
of such, sir?
480
00:23:32,454 --> 00:23:34,544
Have you not been burned?
481
00:23:34,587 --> 00:23:36,277
Oh, indeed,
let it be known.
482
00:23:36,327 --> 00:23:38,237
Stand up and tell the world
of your pain,
483
00:23:38,286 --> 00:23:42,246
for alas, poor Yorick,
she had burned you, too!
484
00:23:42,290 --> 00:23:47,730
Say it with me!
"To pee or not to pee!"
485
00:23:48,949 --> 00:23:50,819
[GRUNTS]
486
00:23:50,864 --> 00:23:55,614
Zooman, Atlanta,
and once again, the creator makes it so.
487
00:23:55,651 --> 00:23:57,091
[MUSIC PLAYING]
488
00:24:02,528 --> 00:24:05,308
I want to give
personal thanks to all of... You know what I'm sayin'?
489
00:24:05,356 --> 00:24:08,926
First of all,
all the comics here on the Def Comedy Jam.
490
00:24:08,969 --> 00:24:10,709
Know what I'm sayin'?[APPLAUSE]
491
00:24:10,753 --> 00:24:13,933
Past and present,
but most of all, I want to thank
492
00:24:13,974 --> 00:24:17,894
Mr. Russell Simmons, y'all.
Russell Simmons.
493
00:24:17,934 --> 00:24:19,684
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
494
00:24:21,938 --> 00:24:23,808
Thank you for comin' out.
God bless you. Good night.
495
00:24:23,853 --> 00:24:26,123
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
CONTINUES]
496
00:24:26,173 --> 00:24:30,723
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