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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:07,137 --> 00:00:10,137 KID CAPRI: It's the Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam. 2 00:00:10,184 --> 00:00:12,194 [THEME MUSIC PLAYING] 3 00:00:15,145 --> 00:00:20,105 I am your man, the world's greatest DJ, the Kid Capri. 4 00:00:20,150 --> 00:00:21,670 With your host... 5 00:00:24,676 --> 00:00:26,026 Tonight's guests... 6 00:00:36,253 --> 00:00:38,133 Welcome to the stage, party people, 7 00:00:38,168 --> 00:00:42,998 my main man, Mr. Ricky Harris! 8 00:00:43,043 --> 00:00:46,003 [AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING][MUSIC PLAYING] 9 00:01:18,643 --> 00:01:20,343 West Side! 10 00:01:20,384 --> 00:01:21,524 [AUDIENCE BOOING] 11 00:01:24,040 --> 00:01:25,960 All right, all right, all right. 12 00:01:25,998 --> 00:01:26,778 We don't want to start no gang activity up in here.[AUDIENCE CHUCKLES] 13 00:01:26,825 --> 00:01:28,605 [CHUCKLES] 14 00:01:28,653 --> 00:01:31,133 You say that, brother be, "West Side!" Kah, kah, kah! 15 00:01:31,178 --> 00:01:34,618 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 16 00:01:34,659 --> 00:01:37,839 It's all good. We on the West Side now. 17 00:01:37,880 --> 00:01:40,100 We brought the Def Jam to y'all. 18 00:01:40,143 --> 00:01:42,233 AUDIENCE: Yeah!You know what I'm sayin'? 19 00:01:42,276 --> 00:01:43,626 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 20 00:01:46,454 --> 00:01:48,374 [RICKY CHUCKLES] 21 00:01:48,412 --> 00:01:51,812 This is L.A., the city of La La, baby. 22 00:01:51,850 --> 00:01:55,160 You know, beautiful ladies walkin' around. You know what I'm sayin'? 23 00:01:55,202 --> 00:01:57,332 No. No snow.[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 24 00:01:57,378 --> 00:01:59,338 You know. 25 00:01:59,380 --> 00:02:02,170 We ain't got no snow jumpin' off. 26 00:02:02,209 --> 00:02:05,949 We ain't got to worry about the real thick jackets 27 00:02:05,995 --> 00:02:07,775 like they do on the East Coast. 28 00:02:07,823 --> 00:02:10,483 You know, we just... We mellow, you know. 29 00:02:10,521 --> 00:02:13,921 You know, especially since they done passed Proposition 215. 30 00:02:14,830 --> 00:02:17,920 [LAUGHTER][CHUCKLES] 31 00:02:17,963 --> 00:02:22,713 They get real mellow now. They done legalized it... What? 32 00:02:22,751 --> 00:02:25,061 You can roll legal with chronic? 33 00:02:25,101 --> 00:02:26,971 All you got to do is have your paper? 34 00:02:27,016 --> 00:02:29,976 [LAUGHTER] 35 00:02:30,019 --> 00:02:33,499 I see brothers gettin' pulled over, just pulin' out any kind of paper. 36 00:02:33,544 --> 00:02:35,424 "Hold up, dog. Hold up. Hold up." 37 00:02:35,459 --> 00:02:37,159 [LAUGHTER] 38 00:02:37,200 --> 00:02:39,460 "No, no, no. Hey, dog, check the glove box. 39 00:02:39,507 --> 00:02:42,547 "My paper is in the glove box." He pull out a napkin. 40 00:02:44,120 --> 00:02:47,560 "See, that say I can smoke." [CHUCKLES] 41 00:02:47,602 --> 00:02:50,612 I know one thing, black folk, we takin' over. 42 00:02:50,648 --> 00:02:55,178 In the '90s we takin' over. They gotta give us our props. 43 00:02:55,218 --> 00:02:57,308 Our 40 acres and a mule. 44 00:02:59,135 --> 00:03:01,875 We takin' over as far as all the sports. 45 00:03:01,920 --> 00:03:05,400 Black people, we run sports. Am I right?[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 46 00:03:05,446 --> 00:03:09,536 If it wasn't for black people, sports wouldn't be... It wouldn't be no sports. 47 00:03:09,580 --> 00:03:14,240 'Cause black people, we own the NBA, the NFL, baseball, all that. 48 00:03:14,281 --> 00:03:16,331 The Olympics. The Olympics wouldn't have been nothin' 49 00:03:16,370 --> 00:03:19,900 without no black people in there, man. Come on. 50 00:03:19,938 --> 00:03:25,118 I was lovin' my man Michael Johnson, right? Brother. 51 00:03:25,161 --> 00:03:29,691 I knew he was gonna win, 'cause he talked about it for three years. 52 00:03:29,731 --> 00:03:31,911 [IMITATING MICHAEL JOHNSON] "You know I'm gonna kick y'all ass. 53 00:03:31,950 --> 00:03:33,820 "I'mma win four medals. 54 00:03:34,692 --> 00:03:36,692 "I'mma win four medals." 55 00:03:38,435 --> 00:03:40,385 And he run like he sit down, don't he? 56 00:03:40,437 --> 00:03:41,657 [LAUGHTER] 57 00:03:46,400 --> 00:03:47,400 [CHUCKLES] 58 00:03:48,358 --> 00:03:50,618 He's sweet. 59 00:03:50,665 --> 00:03:53,965 But we just own sports. We have always been good at sports. 60 00:03:54,016 --> 00:03:56,366 Back in Africa, we was chuckin' spears. 61 00:03:56,410 --> 00:03:58,240 [GRUNTS][LAUGHTER] 62 00:03:58,281 --> 00:04:00,541 "You can't throw that one farther than me, Kombuka." 63 00:04:00,588 --> 00:04:02,888 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 64 00:04:02,938 --> 00:04:04,768 [GRUNTS] 65 00:04:04,809 --> 00:04:07,379 We have always been good at sports, man. 66 00:04:07,421 --> 00:04:09,341 The NFL, you know that's where the... 67 00:04:09,379 --> 00:04:11,859 The NFL stands for Negro for Life. 68 00:04:11,903 --> 00:04:13,253 [LAUGHTER] 69 00:04:13,296 --> 00:04:15,256 The NBA, Nothin' But Africans. 70 00:04:18,083 --> 00:04:21,523 We run sports. We takin' over all sports. 71 00:04:21,565 --> 00:04:23,915 In a minute, we gonna run tennis. 72 00:04:23,959 --> 00:04:26,919 Tennis is gonna be taken over 'cause we got a little sister. 73 00:04:26,962 --> 00:04:29,532 We got a couple sisters comin' up right now. 74 00:04:29,573 --> 00:04:31,013 One of them from Compton. 75 00:04:31,053 --> 00:04:32,583 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 76 00:04:32,620 --> 00:04:35,620 From the CPT. 77 00:04:35,666 --> 00:04:39,926 Yeah, you know she harder than a... [GRUNTS] You know she hard. 78 00:04:39,975 --> 00:04:41,975 From the CPT? You know, 'cause she's... 79 00:04:42,020 --> 00:04:44,890 You know, her name is, uh, Venus Williams?[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS] 80 00:04:44,936 --> 00:04:47,326 You know she didn't start off with no regular equipment. 81 00:04:47,374 --> 00:04:49,334 [LAUGHTER] 82 00:04:49,376 --> 00:04:51,116 [CHUCKLES] Comin' from Compton. 83 00:04:51,160 --> 00:04:53,120 You know, they didn't even know what tennis was. 84 00:04:53,162 --> 00:04:55,822 She in the backyard with a spatula and a Wiffle ball. 85 00:05:01,649 --> 00:05:03,129 Her daddy like, "Hold on, baby, let me... 86 00:05:03,172 --> 00:05:05,962 "Let me move the clothes line down some. Come on. 87 00:05:06,001 --> 00:05:08,831 "Go on, hit it again, baby girl. Hit it again." [CHUCKLES] 88 00:05:11,354 --> 00:05:14,754 They scared of her ass. They say, "Keep her out just a little longer. 89 00:05:14,792 --> 00:05:17,452 "We gotta bring the little white girl back that's on a crack addict. 90 00:05:17,491 --> 00:05:18,841 "We gotta bring her back." 91 00:05:20,232 --> 00:05:22,152 [CHUCKLES] 92 00:05:22,191 --> 00:05:25,411 You know, we running sports. You know, golf. 93 00:05:25,455 --> 00:05:27,755 In a minute we gonna hold down on that. 94 00:05:27,805 --> 00:05:29,625 What they gonna be able to do then? 95 00:05:29,677 --> 00:05:31,767 'Cause they gonna have to make some more holes. 96 00:05:31,809 --> 00:05:33,419 [LAUGHTER] 97 00:05:33,463 --> 00:05:36,513 We... Uh, there's 137 holes now. 98 00:05:38,860 --> 00:05:41,210 The negroes are taking over. 99 00:05:41,253 --> 00:05:43,653 Tiger Woods gonna see to that. He gonna... 100 00:05:46,302 --> 00:05:48,572 But we gotta watch him though. 101 00:05:48,609 --> 00:05:51,829 'Cause he, he don't know what he is quite yet. 102 00:05:51,873 --> 00:05:54,483 Got to watch him. He talkin' about he... He don't know. 103 00:05:54,528 --> 00:05:57,748 He multi. No. You're black.[LAUGHTER] 104 00:05:57,792 --> 00:05:59,322 Better he read a book. 105 00:06:00,185 --> 00:06:02,265 [CHUCKLES] 106 00:06:02,318 --> 00:06:04,578 Let him be on them courses, one of them courses they don't want no niggers on. 107 00:06:04,625 --> 00:06:06,145 He'll find out real quick. 108 00:06:06,191 --> 00:06:08,061 They say, "Nigger, get the ball." 109 00:06:08,106 --> 00:06:09,236 [LAUGHTER] 110 00:06:10,065 --> 00:06:11,845 "Hey, I play here." 111 00:06:11,893 --> 00:06:13,073 [LAUGHTER] 112 00:06:16,854 --> 00:06:19,514 And I like golf. Golf is a cool sport. 113 00:06:19,553 --> 00:06:22,383 You know, me and my homies, we go play all the time. 114 00:06:22,425 --> 00:06:24,245 Me and the little homey, we be out there playin', 115 00:06:24,296 --> 00:06:27,036 but you know, we ain't really got all the... 116 00:06:27,082 --> 00:06:29,132 [STAMMERS] You know, the right, you know... 117 00:06:29,171 --> 00:06:32,391 It's like we only got, like, between us, like, five clubs. 118 00:06:32,435 --> 00:06:33,775 [LAUGHTER] 119 00:06:33,828 --> 00:06:36,698 And it be, like, seven of us. [CHUCKLES] 120 00:06:36,744 --> 00:06:39,924 We out there, all the clubs got socks on 'em. [CHUCKLES] 121 00:06:39,964 --> 00:06:42,714 We out there in the little cart, the cart got switches on it. 122 00:06:42,750 --> 00:06:44,750 [VOCALIZES] 123 00:06:44,795 --> 00:06:46,575 We playin'... 'Cause you know it's supposed to be real quiet. 124 00:06:46,623 --> 00:06:48,453 Shh. Be quiet. 125 00:06:48,495 --> 00:06:50,665 The homey like, "Hey, dog! How you gonna hit that, dog? 126 00:06:50,714 --> 00:06:52,854 "What club you gonna use, dog?" 127 00:06:52,890 --> 00:06:55,460 I'm like, "Yo, just pitch it to me, dog. Just pitch it to me." 128 00:06:55,502 --> 00:06:57,292 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 129 00:07:00,942 --> 00:07:02,992 And I definitely gotta give, you know what I'm sayin', 130 00:07:03,031 --> 00:07:07,471 props to my East Coast nigga for life. You know what I'm sayin'? 131 00:07:07,514 --> 00:07:10,174 My homeboy DJ Kid Capri, y'all. 132 00:07:10,212 --> 00:07:12,432 Give it up for him. Know what I'm sayin'? 133 00:07:14,956 --> 00:07:17,606 The coldest DJ ever. 134 00:07:17,654 --> 00:07:19,964 All right, I wanna say this, too, 135 00:07:20,004 --> 00:07:24,234 if any y'all got homies or homegirls or whatever, you know, incarcerated... 136 00:07:26,010 --> 00:07:30,060 On a little vacation, you know, write 'em. 137 00:07:30,101 --> 00:07:33,321 You know, write 'em a letter and let 'em know that you love 'em. 138 00:07:35,455 --> 00:07:39,235 You know, and if you doin' crimes, do it by yourself. 139 00:07:39,284 --> 00:07:42,294 You know what I'm sayin'? Don't do no crime with somebody else, you know, 140 00:07:42,331 --> 00:07:44,681 and then they gonna go, you know, if y'all... 141 00:07:44,725 --> 00:07:48,505 If y'all get caught, you know they gonna fink on you. 142 00:07:48,555 --> 00:07:50,635 'Cause who want to do time by theyself? 143 00:07:51,993 --> 00:07:54,003 You know what I'm sayin'? If you... 144 00:07:54,038 --> 00:07:55,518 If you do the crime by yourself, you ain't got to worry about. 145 00:07:55,562 --> 00:07:58,092 When he get caught, you know, you hidin' good. 146 00:07:58,129 --> 00:08:00,479 You all hidden. You all up underneath the tree. 147 00:08:00,523 --> 00:08:02,703 You got leaves on you.[LAUGHTER] 148 00:08:02,743 --> 00:08:05,533 You like, "Damn, they got him." 149 00:08:05,572 --> 00:08:08,792 He handcuffed goin' away, talkin' about, "Come on, Rick. They got us." 150 00:08:08,836 --> 00:08:09,876 [LAUGHTER] 151 00:08:11,795 --> 00:08:13,665 "They got both of us, dog. Come on." 152 00:08:15,016 --> 00:08:17,276 "Nigga, they got you." 153 00:08:17,322 --> 00:08:21,722 [CHUCKLES] Do the crime by yourself, man. 154 00:08:21,762 --> 00:08:24,632 All right. We gonna keep this show rollin'. Dig. 155 00:08:24,678 --> 00:08:27,508 All the way from Washington D.C., you know what I'm sayin'? 156 00:08:27,550 --> 00:08:32,640 Y'all put y'all hands together for the comedy styles of Mike Brooks, y'all. 157 00:08:32,686 --> 00:08:34,636 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE][MUSIC PLAYING] 158 00:08:50,573 --> 00:08:52,013 Wassup, y'all?[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS] 159 00:08:52,053 --> 00:08:54,063 Black folks love to dance, don't we? 160 00:08:54,098 --> 00:08:55,578 I'm gonna tell y'all some funny shit. 161 00:08:55,622 --> 00:08:57,322 You ever been in a club dancin' 162 00:08:57,362 --> 00:08:59,802 and realized your deodorant done ran out? 163 00:08:59,843 --> 00:09:02,413 So it make your ass switch up and do another dance? 164 00:09:02,454 --> 00:09:04,204 You up in the club dancin'... 165 00:09:04,239 --> 00:09:05,679 [MUSIC PLAYING] 166 00:09:05,719 --> 00:09:06,889 [CHEERING] 167 00:09:12,726 --> 00:09:13,766 [LAUGHTER] 168 00:09:17,600 --> 00:09:21,130 Wassup? Show me love in this motherfucker, y'all! 169 00:09:21,169 --> 00:09:23,349 I'mma tell y'all something. 170 00:09:23,388 --> 00:09:24,868 I'mma tell y'all something. 171 00:09:24,912 --> 00:09:27,092 I'm glad to be out here. Almost didn't make it. 172 00:09:27,131 --> 00:09:29,261 Fuckin' around with them damn dumb ass police. 173 00:09:29,307 --> 00:09:32,137 Don't y'all hate dumb police, by round of applause? 174 00:09:32,180 --> 00:09:34,100 'Cause they pull you over...[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING] 175 00:09:34,138 --> 00:09:36,268 They pull you over just to ask you dumb shit. 176 00:09:36,314 --> 00:09:39,454 Police pull me over a couple days ago. Gonna walk up to my car. 177 00:09:39,491 --> 00:09:41,231 Talkin' about, "Sir, why were you speedin'?" 178 00:09:41,276 --> 00:09:43,366 Motherfucker, because I didn't see you.[LAUGHTER] 179 00:09:43,408 --> 00:09:45,798 You think I'd have been speedin' if I saw your ass? 180 00:09:45,846 --> 00:09:47,936 Then they talkin' about, "Oh, do you know how fast you were goin'?" 181 00:09:47,978 --> 00:09:50,678 Obviously not fast enough if you caught up with my ass. 182 00:09:50,720 --> 00:09:52,980 And why do people always act like they scared to look at the police? 183 00:09:53,027 --> 00:09:54,637 When they pull up beside you, like at a light? 184 00:09:54,681 --> 00:09:56,551 You ever notice? You don't ever look at them eye to eye. 185 00:09:56,596 --> 00:09:58,376 You tryin' to peep out the corner of your eye and shit. 186 00:09:58,423 --> 00:10:00,643 "Oh, shit. Don't look. There they go, there they go." 187 00:10:00,687 --> 00:10:02,117 You see 'em in the rear-view mirror, 188 00:10:02,166 --> 00:10:04,126 you try to reach for your seat belt on the sly. 189 00:10:04,168 --> 00:10:06,738 "Oh, these motherfuckers about to pull me over and shit, man. 190 00:10:06,780 --> 00:10:08,740 "Gonna call my tags and shit in." 191 00:10:08,782 --> 00:10:10,612 And you always got somebody that's ridin' with you 192 00:10:10,653 --> 00:10:12,223 tryin' to get you in trouble. "Man, fuck him. He ain't gonna... 193 00:10:12,263 --> 00:10:14,223 "Oh, damn. He about to pull you over, man." 194 00:10:14,265 --> 00:10:16,615 "Tell that nigga I'm asleep." 195 00:10:16,659 --> 00:10:18,269 That's why I don't like people ridin' with me, 196 00:10:18,313 --> 00:10:20,363 'cause they try to get you in trouble. 197 00:10:20,402 --> 00:10:23,712 They sneak weed in your car and don't let you know until you get pulled over. 198 00:10:23,753 --> 00:10:26,713 Fucker, "Whoo! What you want me to do with this?" 199 00:10:26,756 --> 00:10:28,756 "Fucker, with what?" 200 00:10:28,802 --> 00:10:30,412 "Nigger, don't act like you ain't know I had weed in the car." 201 00:10:30,455 --> 00:10:31,935 [LAUGHTER] 202 00:10:31,979 --> 00:10:33,939 I hate bein' around brothers that get high 203 00:10:33,981 --> 00:10:36,161 'cause they lie too much. Ladies, y'all see 'em. They get... 204 00:10:36,200 --> 00:10:39,460 He ain't even high yet. He take one puff off the joint and start lyin'. 205 00:10:39,508 --> 00:10:42,078 Nigga talkin' about... [BLOWS] 206 00:10:42,119 --> 00:10:45,299 "You know I'm about to go get a BMW tomorrow, right? 207 00:10:45,340 --> 00:10:48,650 "Dude told me to bring two dollars down there, he was gonna look out for me." 208 00:10:48,691 --> 00:10:51,091 Motherfucker, stop lyin'. 209 00:10:51,128 --> 00:10:53,518 And I hate when people get high and do dumb shit. 210 00:10:53,565 --> 00:10:55,865 My uncle, he get high every night and just say dumb shit. 211 00:10:55,916 --> 00:10:57,656 Just like last night. I knew he was high. 212 00:10:57,700 --> 00:11:00,360 His dumb ass gonna page me. I called him back. 213 00:11:00,398 --> 00:11:03,178 He talkin' about, "How you get the number over here?"[LAUGHTER] 214 00:11:03,227 --> 00:11:05,667 Motherfucker, you paged me. 215 00:11:05,708 --> 00:11:08,838 He talkin' about, "Oh, yeah, that's right. Damn." 216 00:11:08,885 --> 00:11:10,965 And ladies, y'all... Y'all just as bad when y'all get high. 217 00:11:11,018 --> 00:11:13,278 Y'all get high and want to start fights and shit. 218 00:11:13,324 --> 00:11:14,944 I used to mess with this one girl, 219 00:11:14,978 --> 00:11:16,408 every time she got high, always wanted to start shit. 220 00:11:16,458 --> 00:11:17,808 That's why I never wanted to take her out. 221 00:11:17,851 --> 00:11:19,201 One time I took her to a club. 222 00:11:19,243 --> 00:11:21,163 Soon as we get in the club, she startin' shit. 223 00:11:21,202 --> 00:11:23,252 She walk up in there talkin' about... [BLOWS] 224 00:11:23,291 --> 00:11:25,991 "I'm gonna steal that bitch that keep starin' at me."[LAUGHTER] 225 00:11:26,033 --> 00:11:28,083 "Girl, who the hell you talkin' about?" 226 00:11:28,122 --> 00:11:30,252 "That bitch right there that keep lookin' over here." 227 00:11:30,298 --> 00:11:32,338 Like, "Girl, that's a mirror. What the fuck is wrong with you? Damn! 228 00:11:32,387 --> 00:11:34,477 "Look, that's you. 229 00:11:34,519 --> 00:11:36,869 "Damn, go home. Shit, go home. Damn." 230 00:11:38,349 --> 00:11:40,479 Old ghetto ass girl, man. 231 00:11:40,525 --> 00:11:42,785 Treat y'all women right. I'm gonna tell y'all this shit, fellas. 232 00:11:42,832 --> 00:11:44,312 Treat 'em right.[CHEERS] 233 00:11:44,355 --> 00:11:46,225 I'm serious. 234 00:11:46,270 --> 00:11:48,450 'Cause you only give... You only fall in love one time. 235 00:11:48,490 --> 00:11:50,750 After that, the shit is over. 236 00:11:50,797 --> 00:11:52,357 Brothers try to play shit off when they break up with they girls and shit. 237 00:11:52,407 --> 00:11:54,367 When they on the phone with 'em, tryin' to act like 238 00:11:54,409 --> 00:11:56,279 the shit don't, you know, don't bother us when we break up. 239 00:11:56,324 --> 00:11:58,464 You know, we on the phone and shit, "Yeah, yeah. Wassup? 240 00:11:58,500 --> 00:12:02,200 "Wait. Yeah, yeah. I was doin'... I was thinkin' the same thing, too. 241 00:12:02,243 --> 00:12:05,773 "Maybe you need to go your way, I need to go mine. 242 00:12:05,812 --> 00:12:08,822 "Fuck it. Make it easy on yourself. Make it easy on yourself. 243 00:12:10,860 --> 00:12:13,040 "Well, if you gonna leave, leave. 244 00:12:13,080 --> 00:12:16,390 "Well, shit. I'll talk to you later then. Okay. Bye. Shit." 245 00:12:16,431 --> 00:12:18,911 And you hang up. You know you hurt 'cause you start talkin' to yourself. 246 00:12:18,955 --> 00:12:21,035 "Bitch gonna talk about she don't want to be with nobody and shit. 247 00:12:21,088 --> 00:12:23,388 "Yeah, okay. Yeah, okay. What? 248 00:12:23,438 --> 00:12:25,698 "I bet she need me before I need her, watch." 249 00:12:27,268 --> 00:12:29,008 And I hate them sneaky women. 250 00:12:29,052 --> 00:12:30,362 You know the women that are always up to something. 251 00:12:30,401 --> 00:12:31,881 You can tell when your girl's sneaky. 252 00:12:31,925 --> 00:12:33,615 'Cause whenever you tell her you gettin' ready 253 00:12:33,665 --> 00:12:35,795 to go out with your friends or something to play ball, 254 00:12:35,842 --> 00:12:37,632 she tell you to go ahead, but then she get that little laugh behind it. 255 00:12:37,669 --> 00:12:39,149 "Baby, look. We gettin' ready to go play some ball. 256 00:12:39,193 --> 00:12:40,463 "Everything... You straight? Everything cool?" 257 00:12:40,498 --> 00:12:41,668 "Who... Oh, fuck. Yeah. Go ahead. 258 00:12:41,717 --> 00:12:43,107 "Do what y'all want to do." [CHUCKLES] 259 00:12:44,415 --> 00:12:46,065 "What the hell you laughin' for?" 260 00:12:46,113 --> 00:12:48,423 "Stay out all night if you want to." [CHUCKLES] 261 00:12:48,463 --> 00:12:49,773 Because that shit ain't right. 262 00:12:49,812 --> 00:12:51,472 Peace and love. I'm Michael Brooks. 263 00:12:51,509 --> 00:12:53,119 Good night. I'm up out of here.[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 264 00:13:04,087 --> 00:13:06,257 Man, that boy's sick! 265 00:13:06,307 --> 00:13:08,397 One more time, y'all, for Mike. Give it up. 266 00:13:08,439 --> 00:13:10,879 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 267 00:13:10,920 --> 00:13:14,450 That's was his first time doin' the Def Comedy Jam,man. 268 00:13:14,489 --> 00:13:16,319 So it's gettin' to be the holidays, you know what I'm sayin'? 269 00:13:16,360 --> 00:13:18,620 I know everybody likes celebratin' with they family. 270 00:13:18,667 --> 00:13:21,537 You know, holiday. I hate the holidays. 271 00:13:21,583 --> 00:13:23,503 I don't know about anybody else. 272 00:13:23,541 --> 00:13:25,811 I'm one of them Scrooge type persons.[SCATTERED LAUGHTER] 273 00:13:25,848 --> 00:13:28,848 I was one of them bitter kids for Christmas. 274 00:13:28,895 --> 00:13:30,415 You know, 'cause a brother could never get 275 00:13:30,461 --> 00:13:32,721 what he really, really wanted, you know. 276 00:13:32,768 --> 00:13:34,118 You know, you see somethin' like, 277 00:13:34,161 --> 00:13:37,211 "Ooh, the Muhammed Ali boxing ring! Ooh! 278 00:13:37,251 --> 00:13:38,641 "I want that, Mama!" 279 00:13:38,687 --> 00:13:39,987 "You ain't gonna get that. 280 00:13:40,036 --> 00:13:42,076 [LAUGHTER] 281 00:13:42,125 --> 00:13:44,205 "You might get Joe Frazier. 282 00:13:44,258 --> 00:13:47,438 [CHUCKLES] "You ain't gonna get Muhammed Ali." 283 00:13:47,478 --> 00:13:50,738 I was bitter. Mad, man. 284 00:13:50,786 --> 00:13:53,086 I say that 'cause I got kids now. 285 00:13:53,136 --> 00:13:54,956 And you know, I was like, last week, 286 00:13:55,008 --> 00:13:56,568 I was puttin' together some of my... 287 00:13:56,618 --> 00:13:59,138 My daughter's little gifts or whatever. 288 00:13:59,186 --> 00:14:01,316 You know, startin' early 'cause it take me that long 289 00:14:01,362 --> 00:14:03,282 to put these... Put it together. 290 00:14:03,320 --> 00:14:06,630 You know, anybody ever had to put together some kids' toys? 291 00:14:06,671 --> 00:14:10,201 And the kid be just worrying you. "You done yet?" 292 00:14:10,240 --> 00:14:14,810 "No, I'm not done yet. Go sit your ass down somewhere 293 00:14:14,854 --> 00:14:17,774 "and let Daddy try to put this damn thing together." 294 00:14:17,813 --> 00:14:19,473 [LAUGHTER][CHUCKLES] 295 00:14:19,510 --> 00:14:21,950 "What's this?" "That's... I'll take that." 296 00:14:24,428 --> 00:14:28,868 And then when you finish, you always have, like, somethin' left. 297 00:14:28,911 --> 00:14:32,051 [CHUCKLES] Like either a screw or a button or somethin'. 298 00:14:32,088 --> 00:14:33,438 And then, like, "Don't worry about it. 299 00:14:33,481 --> 00:14:34,921 "Just go on and play with it. 300 00:14:34,961 --> 00:14:36,921 "If it fall apart, bring it back in here." 301 00:14:36,963 --> 00:14:38,663 [LAUGHTER][RICKY CHUCKLES] 302 00:14:41,619 --> 00:14:43,839 All right, look. We gonna keep the show rollin'. 303 00:14:43,883 --> 00:14:46,233 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Y'all ready for the next... 304 00:14:46,276 --> 00:14:47,966 AUDIENCE: Yeah!All right. Yeah. 305 00:14:48,017 --> 00:14:50,017 Y'all ready for the next comic, let me hear you say "Yeah." 306 00:14:50,063 --> 00:14:51,723 AUDIENCE: Yeah!All right, dig. 307 00:14:51,760 --> 00:14:53,240 Y'all put y'all hands together 308 00:14:53,283 --> 00:14:56,983 for the comedy styles of the Figman, y'all. 309 00:14:57,026 --> 00:14:59,286 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE][MUSIC PLAYING] 310 00:15:07,167 --> 00:15:08,907 Wassup, L.A.? 311 00:15:08,951 --> 00:15:10,391 AUDIENCE: Wassup? 312 00:15:10,431 --> 00:15:13,391 Awe, yeah! I got to see who's in the house! 313 00:15:13,434 --> 00:15:16,004 Let me hear all the ladies in the house say, "ow!" 314 00:15:16,045 --> 00:15:18,085 WOMEN: Ow! 315 00:15:18,134 --> 00:15:20,484 Now the troopers, all the homeboys, let me hear y'all say, "ho!" 316 00:15:20,528 --> 00:15:22,438 MEN: Ho! 317 00:15:22,486 --> 00:15:24,446 Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm gonna tell y'all something right now. 318 00:15:24,488 --> 00:15:26,798 I got to keep it real. I want you all to keep it real with me. 319 00:15:26,838 --> 00:15:28,708 I love y'all to death, sisters. 320 00:15:28,753 --> 00:15:30,153 I love y'all to death, but I'm gonna tell y'all somethin'. 321 00:15:30,190 --> 00:15:31,540 Y'all doin' some stuff that ain't got no... 322 00:15:31,582 --> 00:15:33,412 Y'all ain't got no business doin' it. 323 00:15:33,454 --> 00:15:34,764 Now, see, let me tell you somethin'. 324 00:15:34,803 --> 00:15:36,763 I don't mind you groomin' yourself. 325 00:15:36,805 --> 00:15:40,235 That little bikini wax you do there? That's all good. 326 00:15:40,287 --> 00:15:43,987 You know, if you want to shave up under your arms, that's all good. 327 00:15:44,030 --> 00:15:46,990 If you want to shave your legs, that's good. 328 00:15:47,033 --> 00:15:48,733 But here's where you lose me. 329 00:15:50,819 --> 00:15:54,999 Y'all get a razor, some clippers, 330 00:15:55,041 --> 00:16:00,091 and you shave your eyebrows completely off! 331 00:16:00,133 --> 00:16:03,753 Then get a pencil and draw in new ones. 332 00:16:03,788 --> 00:16:05,968 [CHEERS AND LAUGHTER] 333 00:16:06,008 --> 00:16:08,268 And all of y'all can't draw! 334 00:16:08,315 --> 00:16:09,525 [LAUGHTER] 335 00:16:11,492 --> 00:16:14,452 You ain't got no business drawin' on your face! 336 00:16:14,495 --> 00:16:17,015 All y'all get the pencil, drawin' it all high up on your forehead, 337 00:16:17,063 --> 00:16:18,933 comin' in the club, lookin' surprised, 338 00:16:18,978 --> 00:16:21,978 talkin' about, "Hey! Hey! Wassup? Wassup? Hey! Wassup?" 339 00:16:23,199 --> 00:16:25,679 You ain't got no business doin' that! 340 00:16:25,723 --> 00:16:27,423 And the worst part about it, you in the club, 341 00:16:27,464 --> 00:16:29,424 you partyin', you gettin' your little swerve on, 342 00:16:29,466 --> 00:16:31,596 all of a sudden, you get a little personal eraser happening. 343 00:16:31,642 --> 00:16:33,992 You get a handkerchief, you wipe your face, now you got one eyebrow. 344 00:16:34,036 --> 00:16:34,986 [LAUGHTER] 345 00:16:41,696 --> 00:16:43,476 That don't make no sense! 346 00:16:43,524 --> 00:16:45,924 Come on, I love you. I love y'all to death. 347 00:16:45,961 --> 00:16:47,401 Love you all sisters. But see, 348 00:16:47,441 --> 00:16:49,701 sisters, y'all want a whole lot of stuff 349 00:16:49,747 --> 00:16:52,227 and y'all don't want to give nothin' back. 350 00:16:52,272 --> 00:16:54,062 Yes indeed. How many sisters... 351 00:16:54,100 --> 00:16:55,880 I'm gonna ask y'all a question. Now, keep it real. 352 00:16:55,927 --> 00:16:59,497 How many sisters will go downtown on they man and hook him up? 353 00:16:59,540 --> 00:17:01,060 Let me hear y'all make some noise. 354 00:17:01,107 --> 00:17:04,457 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 355 00:17:04,501 --> 00:17:06,901 Just a couple. Just a couple. Just a couple. 356 00:17:06,938 --> 00:17:08,678 And the rest of y'all lyin'. 357 00:17:08,723 --> 00:17:10,073 [LAUGHTER] 358 00:17:10,116 --> 00:17:11,376 But don't say nothin'. Don't say nothin'. 359 00:17:11,421 --> 00:17:12,861 It's all right if you don't say nothin', 360 00:17:12,901 --> 00:17:14,901 'cause brothers, it's our fault. 361 00:17:14,946 --> 00:17:16,506 If they don't say nothin', it's our fault. I'mma tell you why. 362 00:17:16,557 --> 00:17:20,167 Fellas, a girl hook you up, hit you off lovely, 363 00:17:20,213 --> 00:17:22,173 you can't keep your mouth closed. 364 00:17:22,215 --> 00:17:26,955 Next day you out with the boys talkin' about, "Yo, kid. Whoo! 365 00:17:27,002 --> 00:17:29,142 "I swear to God, son, you ain't gonna believe this, yo. 366 00:17:29,178 --> 00:17:32,088 [LAUGHS] "You remember Shaniqua? 367 00:17:32,138 --> 00:17:34,488 "From last night? Your kid brought it to the house. 368 00:17:34,531 --> 00:17:35,921 "I'm gonna tell you somethin', yo. 369 00:17:35,967 --> 00:17:40,187 "Shaniqua suck a mean dick. I swear to God, yo." 370 00:17:40,233 --> 00:17:43,063 That don't make... That's disrespectful. That's disrespectful. 371 00:17:43,105 --> 00:17:48,195 I'mma ask y'all right now, what is a mean dick, ladies? 372 00:17:48,241 --> 00:17:51,201 Have y'all ever seen a mean dick? Come on, now. 373 00:17:51,244 --> 00:17:53,124 What does a mean dick look like? 374 00:17:53,159 --> 00:17:57,509 I heard of a mean dog, a ferocious lion, but what's a mean dick? 375 00:17:57,554 --> 00:17:59,904 You gonna walk over to your man, pull his zipper down, 376 00:17:59,948 --> 00:18:02,988 his dick gonna jump out his drawers like... [BARKING] 377 00:18:03,038 --> 00:18:04,778 [LAUGHTER] 378 00:18:04,822 --> 00:18:06,912 "Whoa, you got a mean dick, baby!" 379 00:18:06,955 --> 00:18:08,735 Some of y'all got that brother with that little mean dick, like... 380 00:18:08,783 --> 00:18:10,793 [CHIHUAHUA BARKING] 381 00:18:13,135 --> 00:18:14,565 And some of y'all got that brother 382 00:18:14,615 --> 00:18:15,955 with that old mean dick, be like... 383 00:18:16,007 --> 00:18:18,007 [HOUND DOG BARKING AND COUGHING] 384 00:18:20,055 --> 00:18:22,445 Yo, y'all, my name is Fig. I'm out of here, y'all. Peace! 385 00:18:22,492 --> 00:18:24,492 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 386 00:18:32,763 --> 00:18:33,983 [APPLAUSE CONTINUES] 387 00:18:37,072 --> 00:18:39,682 All right, yo. We gonna keep this show rollin'. 388 00:18:39,727 --> 00:18:42,947 Dig this. This next cat is all the way from Atlanta, GA. 389 00:18:42,991 --> 00:18:45,171 One of funniest cats I have ever seen. 390 00:18:45,211 --> 00:18:48,391 I'm tellin' y'all. You know what I'm sayin'? This brother is hilarious. 391 00:18:48,431 --> 00:18:50,871 Y'all put your hands together right now 392 00:18:50,912 --> 00:18:54,442 for the comedy styles of the Zooman. 393 00:18:54,481 --> 00:18:56,531 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE][MUSIC PLAYING] 394 00:19:07,668 --> 00:19:09,968 What's happenin', L.A.? What's goin' on?[SCATTERED CHEERING] 395 00:19:10,018 --> 00:19:12,278 That's not everybody. What's up L.A.? What's goin' on? 396 00:19:12,325 --> 00:19:14,405 [LOUD CHEERING]All right. 397 00:19:14,457 --> 00:19:17,807 Kid Capri up in here spinnin' them hits like crazy. 398 00:19:17,852 --> 00:19:19,852 We got some hits out there nowadays, man. 399 00:19:19,897 --> 00:19:21,377 That's why I'm happy for music, 400 00:19:21,421 --> 00:19:23,161 but we also got some stuff I don't understand. 401 00:19:24,380 --> 00:19:27,430 I heard a song with a pimp rappin'. 402 00:19:27,470 --> 00:19:29,390 That's why we can't do the national anthem no more 403 00:19:29,429 --> 00:19:32,299 'cause black people can't sing the regular version. 404 00:19:32,345 --> 00:19:35,085 Gotta do the remix. Teddy Riley in the back, "Yep, yep." 405 00:19:35,130 --> 00:19:37,920 [LAUGHTER] 406 00:19:37,959 --> 00:19:41,049 Black people do this like a concert. They come out... 407 00:19:41,092 --> 00:19:43,702 "How y'all doin' this evening? 408 00:19:43,747 --> 00:19:46,707 "We gonna slow it down just a little bit 409 00:19:46,750 --> 00:19:50,190 "and do this song for all the lovers in the house. 410 00:19:50,232 --> 00:19:51,802 "It's a song written a long time ago. 411 00:19:51,842 --> 00:19:53,582 "I'm gonna do my own version, if y'all don't mind, 412 00:19:53,627 --> 00:19:56,717 "without the music. We gonna do it Acapulco." 413 00:19:56,760 --> 00:19:58,200 [LAUGHTER] 414 00:20:00,068 --> 00:20:02,108 [VOCALIZING] 415 00:20:03,158 --> 00:20:08,378 ♪ Ooh, yeah, baby 416 00:20:10,818 --> 00:20:12,648 ♪ Ooh, say 417 00:20:13,603 --> 00:20:16,223 ♪ Can you see 418 00:20:23,483 --> 00:20:27,103 ♪ By the dawn's early... [HUMS] 419 00:20:29,271 --> 00:20:32,491 ♪ What so proudly we hailed 420 00:20:33,275 --> 00:20:34,225 Okay? 421 00:20:35,973 --> 00:20:38,243 ♪ At the twilight's 422 00:20:38,280 --> 00:20:40,540 [VOCALIZES] 423 00:20:40,587 --> 00:20:42,197 ♪ Stripes 424 00:20:43,894 --> 00:20:45,514 Oh, you know... They don't know the words. 425 00:20:45,548 --> 00:20:50,898 ♪ In my car...[VOCALIZES] It's all right ♪ 426 00:20:50,945 --> 00:20:52,945 [CONTINUES VOCALIZING] 427 00:20:56,907 --> 00:20:58,427 [APPLAUSE] 428 00:20:58,474 --> 00:21:00,564 "You know, let me talk to y'all for a minute. 429 00:21:00,607 --> 00:21:02,517 "You know, when I think of the flag... 430 00:21:04,219 --> 00:21:06,399 "All it means to me..." 431 00:21:06,439 --> 00:21:08,919 [SCATTERED LAUGHTER] 432 00:21:08,963 --> 00:21:11,363 Music has taken a weird ass turn. 433 00:21:11,400 --> 00:21:12,710 [LAUGHTER] 434 00:21:15,752 --> 00:21:17,622 I can't meet the woman I want to meet no more. 435 00:21:17,667 --> 00:21:19,967 Fellas, watch what you do, man. Looks are deceiving. 436 00:21:20,017 --> 00:21:21,927 How many of y'all fellas, round of applause, give it to me, 437 00:21:21,976 --> 00:21:24,016 have met a whole group of fine women, 438 00:21:24,065 --> 00:21:26,585 and you don't know which one to talk to?[APPLAUSE] 439 00:21:26,633 --> 00:21:29,113 So you normally talk to the one you think gonna give you some, right? 440 00:21:29,157 --> 00:21:31,547 Watch yourself. Watch yourself. 441 00:21:31,594 --> 00:21:33,344 I grabbed the one I thought was gonna give me some. 442 00:21:33,379 --> 00:21:36,339 Mini skirt, titties all out, got back to her crib, right? 443 00:21:36,382 --> 00:21:39,212 She was like, "I'll be right back." I said, "Oh, shit." 444 00:21:39,254 --> 00:21:40,604 I stripped down to my boxers. 445 00:21:40,647 --> 00:21:42,647 She came back in the livin' room with a Bible. 446 00:21:42,692 --> 00:21:46,132 "And Jesus said that the sinners that fornicate burn in hell!" 447 00:21:46,174 --> 00:21:48,394 I said, "Oh, shit. This a set up."[LAUGHTER] 448 00:21:48,437 --> 00:21:51,007 "It's a sting operation for the church." 449 00:21:51,048 --> 00:21:52,958 Deacons bustin' in the window. [IMITATES WHOOSHING] 450 00:21:53,007 --> 00:21:55,967 ♪ God's tryin' to tell you somethin'... ♪[LAUGHTER] 451 00:21:56,010 --> 00:21:57,580 Kirk Franklin came out the basement, 452 00:21:57,620 --> 00:22:02,450 "We sing 'cause we happy. We sing 'cause we free." 453 00:22:02,495 --> 00:22:04,235 "His eyes is on..." You need to pull your pants up. 454 00:22:04,279 --> 00:22:06,019 "His eyes is on the sparrows." 455 00:22:08,544 --> 00:22:12,114 And protect yourself when you're doin' that, too. Protect yourself. 456 00:22:12,156 --> 00:22:15,416 You can fuck around and die from that bullshit and it ain't no joke. 457 00:22:15,464 --> 00:22:18,824 You know what I'm sayin'? Many people over history have died, man. 458 00:22:18,859 --> 00:22:20,379 Hitler. You know what I'm sayin'? 459 00:22:20,426 --> 00:22:21,906 They said he had some shit, got caught some shit. 460 00:22:21,949 --> 00:22:24,259 They told me Shakespeare got burnt. 461 00:22:24,299 --> 00:22:27,559 That fucked me up. 'Cause I ain't never seen that play. 462 00:22:27,607 --> 00:22:29,607 [LAUGHTER] 463 00:22:29,652 --> 00:22:32,052 Shakespeare gettin' burnt. It's all dramatic, you know that is. 464 00:22:32,960 --> 00:22:34,660 [LAUGHTER] 465 00:22:36,224 --> 00:22:37,974 [SOBBING] 466 00:22:42,535 --> 00:22:43,535 [BLOWING] 467 00:22:45,059 --> 00:22:46,889 Cast these demons! 468 00:22:48,976 --> 00:22:53,886 Am I forever cursed to spit fire from my loins 469 00:22:53,937 --> 00:22:55,547 as a dragon does? 470 00:22:57,376 --> 00:23:00,676 What manner of witchery is this? 471 00:23:00,727 --> 00:23:04,987 Had I only known! God, had I only known! 472 00:23:05,035 --> 00:23:10,035 Had I only known that she was not a princess, but a mere hoodrat! 473 00:23:10,084 --> 00:23:12,394 Section 8 written all over her! 474 00:23:12,434 --> 00:23:13,874 Oh, Lord, had I only known 475 00:23:13,914 --> 00:23:17,354 the fire of hell doth burn within her legs 476 00:23:17,396 --> 00:23:21,266 and burn my penis to a crisp! [SOBS] 477 00:23:21,312 --> 00:23:25,882 Oh, Lord, why hath thou forsaken me so? 478 00:23:25,926 --> 00:23:28,706 What I would not do to get my hands on that bitch! 479 00:23:30,278 --> 00:23:32,408 Doth you not know of such, sir? 480 00:23:32,454 --> 00:23:34,544 Have you not been burned? 481 00:23:34,587 --> 00:23:36,277 Oh, indeed, let it be known. 482 00:23:36,327 --> 00:23:38,237 Stand up and tell the world of your pain, 483 00:23:38,286 --> 00:23:42,246 for alas, poor Yorick, she had burned you, too! 484 00:23:42,290 --> 00:23:47,730 Say it with me! "To pee or not to pee!" 485 00:23:48,949 --> 00:23:50,819 [GRUNTS] 486 00:23:50,864 --> 00:23:55,614 Zooman, Atlanta, and once again, the creator makes it so. 487 00:23:55,651 --> 00:23:57,091 [MUSIC PLAYING] 488 00:24:02,528 --> 00:24:05,308 I want to give personal thanks to all of... You know what I'm sayin'? 489 00:24:05,356 --> 00:24:08,926 First of all, all the comics here on the Def Comedy Jam. 490 00:24:08,969 --> 00:24:10,709 Know what I'm sayin'?[APPLAUSE] 491 00:24:10,753 --> 00:24:13,933 Past and present, but most of all, I want to thank 492 00:24:13,974 --> 00:24:17,894 Mr. Russell Simmons, y'all. Russell Simmons. 493 00:24:17,934 --> 00:24:19,684 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 494 00:24:21,938 --> 00:24:23,808 Thank you for comin' out. God bless you. Good night. 495 00:24:23,853 --> 00:24:26,123 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES] 496 00:24:26,173 --> 00:24:30,723 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 40207

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