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00:00:07,050 --> 00:00:10,180
KID CAPRI: It's the
Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam.
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00:00:10,227 --> 00:00:12,267
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
3
00:00:12,316 --> 00:00:15,146
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]
4
00:00:15,189 --> 00:00:20,189
I'm your man,
the world's greatest DJ, the Kid Capri.
5
00:00:20,237 --> 00:00:21,627
With your host...
6
00:00:24,372 --> 00:00:26,032
Tonight's guests...
7
00:00:34,251 --> 00:00:36,171
Welcome to the stage
with force,
8
00:00:36,210 --> 00:00:39,040
my main man, Talent!
9
00:00:40,388 --> 00:00:42,738
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
10
00:00:58,667 --> 00:01:01,057
[CLICKS TONGUE]
How y'all doing?
11
00:01:01,104 --> 00:01:03,324
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
12
00:01:03,367 --> 00:01:06,537
LA in the motherfuckin'
house, make some noise.
13
00:01:06,588 --> 00:01:08,628
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
14
00:01:11,158 --> 00:01:13,198
Ah!
15
00:01:13,247 --> 00:01:14,767
Bringing it
to the west side.
16
00:01:14,813 --> 00:01:16,773
Before I do anything, man,
17
00:01:16,815 --> 00:01:20,685
show your motherfuckin' love
for my man, my nigga, Kid Capri.
18
00:01:20,732 --> 00:01:22,432
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
19
00:01:23,909 --> 00:01:25,169
Hey.
20
00:01:27,130 --> 00:01:29,650
For motherfuckin' 20 years
he's spinning, baby.
21
00:01:29,698 --> 00:01:31,828
Twenty years
anniversary, right?
22
00:01:31,874 --> 00:01:34,014
Give him love, baby.
Twenty years.
23
00:01:39,534 --> 00:01:42,454
Y'all know how I do it.
Some of you all might be a little new to this.
24
00:01:44,147 --> 00:01:47,107
But before we do anything,
one major rule.
25
00:01:47,150 --> 00:01:51,110
Don't take none of this shit
[CLICKS TONGUE] personal.
26
00:01:51,154 --> 00:01:52,984
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
27
00:01:53,025 --> 00:01:56,935
It's just comedy.
28
00:01:56,986 --> 00:02:00,116
We don't want
nobody leaving with a messed up attitude.
29
00:02:00,163 --> 00:02:03,043
More important than that,
we wouldn't want to have to fuck none of y'all up.
30
00:02:05,037 --> 00:02:08,427
So keep in mind that
it's just comedy.
31
00:02:08,476 --> 00:02:11,606
And we'll have a good
motherfucking time. Woah.
32
00:02:11,653 --> 00:02:13,393
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
33
00:02:14,395 --> 00:02:16,305
What the fuck is...
34
00:02:19,487 --> 00:02:22,447
They came out with
the full Lion Kingshit on.
35
00:02:22,490 --> 00:02:24,580
Look at these motherfuckers.[LAUGHING]
36
00:02:24,622 --> 00:02:25,842
Look at that shit.
37
00:02:26,929 --> 00:02:28,319
[IMITATING LION]
38
00:02:30,019 --> 00:02:31,239
This shit right here.
39
00:02:32,761 --> 00:02:35,071
[LAUGHS] Simba.
40
00:02:36,547 --> 00:02:39,027
Simba, you deliberately
disobeyed me, Simba.
41
00:02:39,071 --> 00:02:40,681
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
42
00:02:42,901 --> 00:02:45,641
Y'all know you
all seen that shit.
43
00:02:45,687 --> 00:02:47,907
Who was the flyest
motherfucker in The Lion King?
44
00:02:47,950 --> 00:02:50,170
Rafiki. The monkey?
Remember that?
45
00:02:50,213 --> 00:02:52,653
[IMITATES RAFIKI]
"I know who you are.
46
00:02:52,694 --> 00:02:54,964
"You're Mufasa's little boy."
47
00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:57,130
You got this shit on.
Look at that shit.
48
00:02:57,177 --> 00:02:59,477
[IMITATES LION][AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
49
00:02:59,527 --> 00:03:02,567
She got the whole jungle...
[CHIRPING]
50
00:03:05,228 --> 00:03:07,228
[IMITATING BOAR]
51
00:03:07,274 --> 00:03:09,284
[IMITATING LION]
52
00:03:09,319 --> 00:03:11,149
[IMITATING ELEPHANT]
53
00:03:11,191 --> 00:03:12,711
[IMITATING MONKEY]
54
00:03:19,460 --> 00:03:21,900
[CONTINUES SCREECHING
LIKE A MONKEY]
55
00:03:25,117 --> 00:03:26,377
[LAUGHING]
56
00:03:28,643 --> 00:03:31,913
Anyway, welcome
to the motherfuckin' Def Comedy Jam.
57
00:03:31,950 --> 00:03:36,170
Bringing it to LA, LA is on
the fucking map. What?
58
00:03:36,216 --> 00:03:37,776
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
59
00:03:43,353 --> 00:03:45,093
Them motherfuckers
is in the house.
60
00:03:45,137 --> 00:03:47,577
We doing our thing
up in here, but ladies,
61
00:03:47,618 --> 00:03:50,528
just, you know, stay sexy,
though. No bullshit.
62
00:03:50,578 --> 00:03:53,758
Some of you all be madder
then a motherfucker, but it ain't our fault.
63
00:03:53,798 --> 00:03:57,538
Stay sexy. Stop smoking.
64
00:04:00,109 --> 00:04:03,069
Oh, it's cute now.
[INHALES AND EXHALES]
65
00:04:03,112 --> 00:04:05,162
[INHALES AND EXHALES]
66
00:04:05,201 --> 00:04:08,251
It ain't gonna
be cute 10 years, when you on CNN.
67
00:04:08,291 --> 00:04:11,211
Talking through that little
shit in your neck.
68
00:04:11,251 --> 00:04:12,951
[DEEP VOICE]
I didn't always talk like this.
69
00:04:12,991 --> 00:04:15,081
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND APPLAUDING]
70
00:04:15,124 --> 00:04:19,174
When I was born,
my voice wasn't always like this.
71
00:04:19,215 --> 00:04:23,385
[NORMAL VOICE] Ladies,
once your voice like that, ain't shit sexy about you.
72
00:04:23,437 --> 00:04:27,007
A nigga can't do shit with
a girl who voice like that.
73
00:04:27,049 --> 00:04:29,749
Oh, I can't take
you out to dinner.
74
00:04:29,791 --> 00:04:31,181
Little waiter
nigga come over,
75
00:04:31,227 --> 00:04:33,797
"Excuse me, sir.
Are you ready to order?"
76
00:04:33,838 --> 00:04:35,318
Yeah, let's see
what the lady wants.
77
00:04:35,362 --> 00:04:36,892
She'd be like, [DEEP VOICE]
"Y'all got buffalo wings?"
78
00:04:39,583 --> 00:04:45,503
"Y'all ain't got
no buffalo wings? This is bullshit."
79
00:04:45,546 --> 00:04:50,376
You can't do shit with her.
You can't fuck her. You can't.
80
00:04:50,420 --> 00:04:53,380
You try to have sex,
you trying to get masculine.
81
00:04:53,423 --> 00:04:55,643
Her voice deeper
than your shit.
82
00:04:55,686 --> 00:04:57,336
You like, "What? What?"
83
00:04:57,384 --> 00:04:59,084
She like, [IN DEEPER VOICE]
"Nigga what, what?"
84
00:04:59,124 --> 00:05:00,824
You like, "Come on,
get your shit. Get your shit.
85
00:05:00,865 --> 00:05:02,775
[LAUGHING]
86
00:05:02,824 --> 00:05:04,784
"Get your shit.
87
00:05:04,826 --> 00:05:07,346
"They gonna think
I'm fuckin' another nigga. Get your shit."
88
00:05:09,134 --> 00:05:10,144
Mmm-mmm.
89
00:05:11,485 --> 00:05:13,095
Stay sexy.
90
00:05:13,138 --> 00:05:15,138
Fellas, you know you got
to wake the fuck up, too.
91
00:05:15,184 --> 00:05:18,324
It's the '90s and women
running a lot of shit.
92
00:05:18,361 --> 00:05:19,491
Please, man.
93
00:05:21,451 --> 00:05:23,931
You know a woman running shit
94
00:05:23,975 --> 00:05:26,495
when they determine
how long we fuck.
95
00:05:27,892 --> 00:05:29,812
They come right out. No shame.
96
00:05:29,851 --> 00:05:32,721
"I don't want no
two minute brother."
97
00:05:35,117 --> 00:05:37,337
[LAUGHS] That's fucked up.
98
00:05:37,380 --> 00:05:40,340
I remember when
two minutes was a'ight.
99
00:05:41,906 --> 00:05:44,996
Now they want you
to fuck a long time.
100
00:05:45,040 --> 00:05:47,910
That shit ain't always good.
101
00:05:47,956 --> 00:05:52,996
Sometimes,
you could fuck too long, bad shit could happen.
102
00:05:53,048 --> 00:05:56,918
You could be fucking too long,
lose the lubrication.
103
00:05:58,227 --> 00:05:59,837
Air get in there.
You know air.
104
00:05:59,881 --> 00:06:02,191
[IMITATES FARTING][AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
105
00:06:02,231 --> 00:06:04,631
You know when
the air get in there. [IMITATES FARTING]
106
00:06:06,583 --> 00:06:10,113
I mean, it's cool now,
'cause we grown.
107
00:06:10,152 --> 00:06:12,812
And we know
that it's just air.
108
00:06:14,983 --> 00:06:19,383
But, fellas, remember
the first time that shit happened?
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00:06:20,554 --> 00:06:24,514
Fuck a nigga head up.
110
00:06:24,558 --> 00:06:26,908
We be like, "Yeah,
let me get some of that." [IMITATES FARTING]
111
00:06:29,998 --> 00:06:31,908
[SCOFFS]
112
00:06:31,956 --> 00:06:34,606
"I know this
bitch ain't fart!"
113
00:06:34,655 --> 00:06:36,345
[LAUGHING]
114
00:06:38,398 --> 00:06:41,968
"Get out of here.
No, get out of here."
115
00:06:43,533 --> 00:06:45,803
Some niggas too
horny to kick you out.
116
00:06:45,840 --> 00:06:47,760
Some niggas be like...
[IMITATES FARTING]
117
00:06:52,107 --> 00:06:53,407
"That's nasty.
118
00:06:55,545 --> 00:06:56,545
[IMITATES FARTING]
119
00:06:58,592 --> 00:06:59,852
"Fuck that, I got
to get this nut, though...
120
00:06:59,897 --> 00:07:01,897
[LAUGHING]
121
00:07:01,943 --> 00:07:03,733
[IMITATES FARTING]
122
00:07:03,771 --> 00:07:06,121
"You know, you need
to take something for that."
123
00:07:06,164 --> 00:07:08,124
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
124
00:07:11,909 --> 00:07:14,699
That whole sex thing done
changed on us, man.
125
00:07:14,738 --> 00:07:17,998
That's why, see,
I wish girls was like cats. I love cats.
126
00:07:18,046 --> 00:07:19,996
Because cats keep it real.
127
00:07:21,005 --> 00:07:22,955
Word up. You ever see a cat?
128
00:07:23,921 --> 00:07:25,311
Stray cat. [MEOWS]
129
00:07:26,924 --> 00:07:28,324
That's it. [MEOWS]
130
00:07:32,408 --> 00:07:34,408
Same sound every time.
131
00:07:34,454 --> 00:07:36,594
The only time a cat
make a different sound is if they in heat.
132
00:07:36,630 --> 00:07:38,680
You ever hear a cat in heat?
Whole different shit. Like...
133
00:07:38,719 --> 00:07:39,939
[DEEP MEOWING]
134
00:07:45,639 --> 00:07:49,339
I wish women had that shit.
Y'all couldn't front on a nigger.
135
00:07:49,381 --> 00:07:51,781
"So you know, I'm saying
you know, why don't you go back to the crib."
136
00:07:51,819 --> 00:07:54,999
"Nigga, what? Nigga,
I ain't even trying to..." [LOW MEOWING]
137
00:07:55,039 --> 00:07:56,949
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
138
00:08:00,523 --> 00:08:01,703
You know you in heat.
[CHUCKLES]
139
00:08:03,308 --> 00:08:05,488
Word up, man.
That's how you gotta do it, man.
140
00:08:05,528 --> 00:08:06,748
Keep it fucking real.
141
00:08:06,790 --> 00:08:09,050
We got to hurry up
and do this thing, man,
142
00:08:09,097 --> 00:08:12,537
'cause I got to get the fuck
up out of here and hit the little booty bar.
143
00:08:12,579 --> 00:08:16,019
The titty bar. Keep it real.
Fellas in here know.
144
00:08:16,060 --> 00:08:19,720
Ain't nothing like
a motherfuckin' strip... Black strip club anyway.
145
00:08:19,760 --> 00:08:22,500
White strip club different.
I don't go to the white bullshit.
146
00:08:22,545 --> 00:08:23,975
You can't touch the girl.
147
00:08:25,374 --> 00:08:29,164
Skinniest bitch make
the most money.
148
00:08:29,204 --> 00:08:31,904
And no ass.
White niggas like that. "Oh, she's hot."
149
00:08:33,643 --> 00:08:36,433
She out there...
[HUMMING]
150
00:08:36,472 --> 00:08:38,392
I go to the booty shit.
151
00:08:39,606 --> 00:08:42,566
The grimey shit.
Niggas know.
152
00:08:42,609 --> 00:08:46,349
Who make the most money?
The bitch with the most stretch marks.
153
00:08:46,395 --> 00:08:48,615
Big Bertha bitch.
154
00:08:48,658 --> 00:08:51,178
Big Bertha bitch
in the corner.
155
00:08:51,226 --> 00:08:56,056
And a nigga wait on her.
"I wavin' my dollar for her."
156
00:08:56,100 --> 00:08:58,800
And at least, 'cause
in the black club, they work for their money, right?
157
00:08:58,842 --> 00:09:00,582
Don't they work
for their money?
158
00:09:00,627 --> 00:09:03,977
They come out, they work...
Get a little Heineken bottle.
159
00:09:04,021 --> 00:09:06,071
[BEAT BOXING]
160
00:09:15,816 --> 00:09:16,816
[INHALES]
161
00:09:18,427 --> 00:09:19,817
[COUGHS][BEAT BOXING CONTINUES]
162
00:09:19,863 --> 00:09:22,343
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
163
00:09:22,387 --> 00:09:23,867
Fuck is she doing with this?
164
00:09:26,783 --> 00:09:29,263
Get my money's worth.
165
00:09:29,307 --> 00:09:32,217
All right. Y'all ready
to get this shit on the road?
166
00:09:32,267 --> 00:09:34,267
[RECORD SCRATCHING][AUDIENCE CHEERING]
167
00:09:35,575 --> 00:09:37,395
Shit.
168
00:09:37,446 --> 00:09:39,836
All right, we gonna set
this motherfucker off, man.
169
00:09:39,883 --> 00:09:42,763
I got to bring my man out.
It's a pleasure the show they gave me, man.
170
00:09:42,799 --> 00:09:45,409
My man is coming
to the stage to open this shit up first.
171
00:09:45,454 --> 00:09:49,814
He out of Brooklyn, New York.
This is his second time on motherfuckin' Def Jam.
172
00:09:49,850 --> 00:09:51,630
Second motherfuckin' time.
173
00:09:51,678 --> 00:09:54,328
That's an honor right there,
to come back and do this shit.
174
00:09:54,376 --> 00:09:55,596
Y'all understand
what I'm saying?
175
00:09:55,638 --> 00:09:57,948
You got to show
some love for my man...
176
00:09:57,988 --> 00:09:59,728
Wil. Clap it up
for Wil, y'all.
177
00:09:59,773 --> 00:10:01,473
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]
178
00:10:14,222 --> 00:10:15,662
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
179
00:10:18,487 --> 00:10:21,447
Everywhere I go, man,
there's some beautiful black people.
180
00:10:22,534 --> 00:10:23,544
Uh!
181
00:10:24,493 --> 00:10:28,193
East, west, south, north.
182
00:10:28,236 --> 00:10:31,106
The south though, man.
How many of y'all got family in the South?
183
00:10:31,152 --> 00:10:36,592
Alabama, North Cackalacky,
South Cackalacky, Georgia?
184
00:10:36,636 --> 00:10:38,766
You guys realize
in the south,
185
00:10:38,812 --> 00:10:42,552
they got words that don't
exist nowhere else?
186
00:10:42,598 --> 00:10:46,118
Brothers in the south,
what the hell is a melpya?
187
00:10:47,603 --> 00:10:49,343
That's a word in Alabama.
188
00:10:49,387 --> 00:10:51,647
"Welcome to McDonald's.
Melpya?"
189
00:10:51,694 --> 00:10:52,834
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
190
00:10:55,350 --> 00:10:58,220
No, stupid. It's,
"May I help you?"
191
00:10:58,266 --> 00:11:01,226
They'll put four words
into one little word. "Melpya?
192
00:11:02,400 --> 00:11:04,790
"Melpya? Melpya?"
193
00:11:04,838 --> 00:11:06,398
Motherfucker, just say next.
194
00:11:08,711 --> 00:11:10,891
You guys ever drivin'
in your car?
195
00:11:10,931 --> 00:11:13,801
What's the first thing
people do in their car when they get lost?
196
00:11:13,847 --> 00:11:16,457
Lower the radio, like that's
the reason why they lost.
197
00:11:18,242 --> 00:11:20,462
Get a fucking map.
198
00:11:20,505 --> 00:11:22,935
Like they gonna hear
a sound, "Go that way."
199
00:11:22,986 --> 00:11:26,466
"Oh, luckily
I lowered the radio."
200
00:11:26,511 --> 00:11:29,471
Too much shit
I can't understand. Faggots, homos.
201
00:11:29,514 --> 00:11:31,734
They always complaining.
202
00:11:31,778 --> 00:11:35,258
"I was a man trapped
inside of a woman's body."
203
00:11:35,303 --> 00:11:38,093
Shit, I was too
for nine months, but I got the fuck out.
204
00:11:38,132 --> 00:11:39,482
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
205
00:11:42,876 --> 00:11:44,696
Don't make no fucking sense.
206
00:11:44,747 --> 00:11:46,267
You know what,
though, white people?
207
00:11:46,314 --> 00:11:49,274
I love to eat in a restaurant
with white people.
208
00:11:49,317 --> 00:11:52,097
Don't y'all? Because
they always want to pay for the check.
209
00:11:52,146 --> 00:11:55,056
"Damn it, Bob.
I got the check."
210
00:11:55,105 --> 00:11:58,015
"Damn it, Steve.
I got the check."
211
00:11:58,065 --> 00:12:01,365
Ever go with black people?
You ever go with black people?
212
00:12:01,416 --> 00:12:03,106
"Somebody give me a pen.
213
00:12:03,157 --> 00:12:05,027
[EXHALES]
214
00:12:05,072 --> 00:12:07,202
"I know my shit is $7.50.
215
00:12:07,248 --> 00:12:09,548
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
216
00:12:13,820 --> 00:12:15,950
"I don't know what you had.
217
00:12:15,996 --> 00:12:17,906
"Shit, this is all
I'm paying." Pow.
218
00:12:20,435 --> 00:12:23,825
Forget the tip.
We ain't tippin'.
219
00:12:23,873 --> 00:12:27,013
Shit. We'll question
something on the bill we don't recognize.
220
00:12:27,050 --> 00:12:30,400
"Hold up, waiter.
What the fuck is gratuity?
221
00:12:30,445 --> 00:12:32,795
"None of us had gratuity.
222
00:12:32,839 --> 00:12:35,319
"Is that some new
chicken wings?"
223
00:12:35,363 --> 00:12:36,893
Bullshit don't make
no damn sense.
224
00:12:36,930 --> 00:12:39,450
You know what I can't stand?
The damn breast sex.
225
00:12:41,717 --> 00:12:42,757
Titty fucking.
226
00:12:44,546 --> 00:12:45,936
Let me show you
what I'm talking about.
227
00:12:48,289 --> 00:12:50,549
Titty fucking,
when they put the dick right here.
228
00:12:51,814 --> 00:12:53,034
Recognize it?
229
00:12:53,076 --> 00:12:54,766
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
230
00:12:56,732 --> 00:12:59,262
And the girl be like...
[GROANING]
231
00:13:01,650 --> 00:13:03,830
What the hell do you
all get out of that?
232
00:13:03,870 --> 00:13:05,920
Everybody can't
get into that, right?
233
00:13:05,959 --> 00:13:08,439
What about the women
with the itty-bitty titties?
234
00:13:09,571 --> 00:13:11,361
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
235
00:13:14,576 --> 00:13:16,876
They got to get
all the titty they got.
236
00:13:16,926 --> 00:13:19,446
[GROANING][AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
237
00:13:19,494 --> 00:13:21,984
"Do it now!"
[GROANING]
238
00:13:23,759 --> 00:13:25,019
Slow motion.
239
00:13:37,338 --> 00:13:39,078
[THUMPS][EXCLAIMS]
240
00:13:39,122 --> 00:13:40,472
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
241
00:13:43,561 --> 00:13:44,871
[THUMPS][EXCLAIMS]
242
00:13:47,522 --> 00:13:49,052
[THUMPS][EXCLAIMS]
243
00:13:49,089 --> 00:13:51,049
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
244
00:14:09,892 --> 00:14:11,632
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
245
00:14:11,676 --> 00:14:13,806
It got vitamins in it.
246
00:14:13,853 --> 00:14:15,593
Peace, y'all. Wil.
247
00:14:15,637 --> 00:14:18,067
[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]
248
00:14:18,118 --> 00:14:20,338
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]
249
00:14:31,566 --> 00:14:34,526
Hey, fuck that.
Show your love one more time for Wil.
250
00:14:34,569 --> 00:14:36,089
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
251
00:14:41,358 --> 00:14:44,538
The real shit is always
the funny shit.
252
00:14:44,579 --> 00:14:46,929
We got a lady
coming to the stage. It's the ladies in the house,
253
00:14:46,973 --> 00:14:48,983
let me hear you say, "Oh!"
254
00:14:49,018 --> 00:14:51,188
WOMEN: Oh!
255
00:14:51,238 --> 00:14:53,538
That just sounds so good.
256
00:14:53,588 --> 00:14:56,028
Ladies and gentlemen,
we're going to bring a female to the stage.
257
00:14:56,069 --> 00:14:57,809
One of my favorite females.
258
00:14:57,853 --> 00:15:00,423
This girl here,
she does what I'm doing tonight.
259
00:15:00,464 --> 00:15:03,124
She's the host
at motherfuckin' Click in Chicago.
260
00:15:03,163 --> 00:15:06,953
Straight out of Chi-town.
Show your love for Diane Corder.
261
00:15:06,993 --> 00:15:09,263
Clap it up.[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
262
00:15:29,276 --> 00:15:30,966
Whoo! Hi, y'all.
263
00:15:31,017 --> 00:15:33,147
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
264
00:15:33,193 --> 00:15:35,593
Let me tell you something,
I am the original fucking diva of comedy,
265
00:15:35,630 --> 00:15:37,410
and I'm here to
deliver a message.
266
00:15:37,458 --> 00:15:38,938
I'm a little upset
with the holidays,
267
00:15:38,981 --> 00:15:42,161
Valentine's Day
and Sweetest Day, old bullshit.
268
00:15:42,202 --> 00:15:43,942
Who invented Valentine's Day?
269
00:15:43,986 --> 00:15:45,466
Probably some old bitch
with a man.
270
00:15:45,509 --> 00:15:47,949
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
271
00:15:47,990 --> 00:15:50,470
Can't stand that shit,
'cause you think about this.
272
00:15:50,514 --> 00:15:54,214
You fuck all year long
for a balloon.
273
00:15:55,128 --> 00:15:56,558
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
274
00:16:00,655 --> 00:16:02,045
You think about it.
275
00:16:03,310 --> 00:16:04,530
A balloon!
276
00:16:05,834 --> 00:16:07,974
And it's on the floor
before you are.
277
00:16:11,187 --> 00:16:13,017
Bullshit.
278
00:16:13,059 --> 00:16:14,799
Okay, okay, maybe I have
the problems I have
279
00:16:14,843 --> 00:16:16,283
'cause of the kind
of men I like,
280
00:16:16,323 --> 00:16:17,453
'cause everybody
that know me, know what I like.
281
00:16:17,498 --> 00:16:20,108
I like them young, baby.
282
00:16:20,153 --> 00:16:22,503
Twenty five and up,
as long as they can stay up.
283
00:16:22,546 --> 00:16:24,156
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
284
00:16:24,940 --> 00:16:27,030
That's what I like.
285
00:16:27,073 --> 00:16:29,423
Shit, got me
a little young thing. Oh, he is all of that.
286
00:16:29,466 --> 00:16:31,026
[IMITATES SIZZLING]
287
00:16:31,077 --> 00:16:32,637
He be pumping it
to me so good
288
00:16:32,687 --> 00:16:34,247
I be in the kitchen trying
to cook without a stove.
289
00:16:34,297 --> 00:16:36,647
[LAUGHING]
290
00:16:36,691 --> 00:16:37,871
Pedal to the medal.
291
00:16:40,564 --> 00:16:41,874
Bitch got to eat.
292
00:16:43,393 --> 00:16:46,223
I'm not lying, girl.
He be throwin' a bitch down.
293
00:16:46,266 --> 00:16:48,046
Gonna be calling me up
the other day talkin' about,
294
00:16:48,094 --> 00:16:51,184
"Uh, look, Diane, I want
you to meet my momma."
295
00:16:51,227 --> 00:16:53,267
I said, "Boy, I went
to school with your momma.
296
00:16:53,316 --> 00:16:54,876
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
297
00:16:55,971 --> 00:16:57,061
"Shit.
298
00:16:58,974 --> 00:17:02,024
"Me and her took sex
education together.
299
00:17:02,064 --> 00:17:04,414
"And I was damn good at it.
300
00:17:04,458 --> 00:17:06,498
"Don't believe me?
Ask your daddy."
301
00:17:06,547 --> 00:17:09,507
[LAUGHING]Eh?
302
00:17:09,550 --> 00:17:13,380
A girl got to do
what a girl got to do.
303
00:17:13,423 --> 00:17:16,123
I'm gonna tell you
a little story, and this a message to you.
304
00:17:16,165 --> 00:17:19,995
Tight blue jeans and G-strings
don't go together.
305
00:17:21,910 --> 00:17:23,610
I'm telling you.
I messed around
306
00:17:23,651 --> 00:17:26,521
putting up some tight jeans
walking around the mall and shit,
307
00:17:26,567 --> 00:17:28,217
I'm like, "This thing here?"
308
00:17:30,092 --> 00:17:32,182
Good thing my ass
is not going on.
309
00:17:32,225 --> 00:17:37,055
I took it off,
put it in my pocket and went to the grocery store.
310
00:17:37,099 --> 00:17:39,059
When I was buying my
groceries, I forgot I had it in my pocket.
311
00:17:41,669 --> 00:17:43,579
So when I went
to pay for my shit, I threw it on the counter.
312
00:17:45,368 --> 00:17:49,068
I looked at the man,
the man looked at me.
313
00:17:49,111 --> 00:17:50,501
We both looked
at the G-string.
314
00:17:52,158 --> 00:17:55,198
Needless to say,
groceries was free like a motherfucker.
315
00:17:55,248 --> 00:17:57,898
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
316
00:17:57,946 --> 00:18:00,506
Oh, he was runnin' behind
me. "You want the receipt?
317
00:18:00,557 --> 00:18:05,207
"You want the receipt?"
I'm Diane Corder. Good night.
318
00:18:05,258 --> 00:18:07,648
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING][AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
319
00:18:16,269 --> 00:18:19,529
[HUMMING]
320
00:18:21,665 --> 00:18:23,535
Coming to the stage,
ladies and gentlemen,
321
00:18:23,580 --> 00:18:27,060
also a second timer here
on the Def Comedy Jam,
322
00:18:27,106 --> 00:18:32,326
coming out of
De-fuckin'-troit, now living in LA.
323
00:18:33,982 --> 00:18:37,422
Show your love
for my man, Bill Hill.
324
00:18:37,464 --> 00:18:40,084
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING][HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]
325
00:18:52,000 --> 00:18:54,180
What's up, LA?
326
00:18:54,220 --> 00:18:57,050
Let's all give God
a round of applause, y'all. You know what I'm saying?
327
00:18:57,092 --> 00:19:00,622
For making it
possible, baby. Yeah.
328
00:19:00,661 --> 00:19:02,581
You know what I'm saying?
For making it possible
329
00:19:02,619 --> 00:19:04,839
for us all to be up
in this motherfucker today.
330
00:19:04,882 --> 00:19:07,322
Because me, myself,
I think it's the end of the world.
331
00:19:12,194 --> 00:19:13,804
All the crazy shit
happening.
332
00:19:13,848 --> 00:19:15,628
Motherfucking planes
getting blowed up.
333
00:19:15,676 --> 00:19:18,456
Y'all see that shit?
TWA Flight 800?
334
00:19:18,505 --> 00:19:20,245
Y'all remember when
they was looking for the bodies?
335
00:19:20,289 --> 00:19:23,249
And said, "Fuck the bodies
for a few days."
336
00:19:23,292 --> 00:19:25,162
And said, "We got to find
the black box.
337
00:19:27,253 --> 00:19:30,473
"When we find
the black box, the black box gonna let us know
338
00:19:30,517 --> 00:19:33,387
"what we need to know
on about what happened."
339
00:19:33,433 --> 00:19:37,183
Now, the motherfuckers
found the box and the box was straight.
340
00:19:38,525 --> 00:19:40,435
The plane blew up...
341
00:19:40,483 --> 00:19:42,273
But the motherfuckin'
box was straight.
342
00:19:42,311 --> 00:19:44,531
Now, I don't know if I smoked
too much weed or whatever,
343
00:19:45,662 --> 00:19:48,062
but I'm not a stupid nigga.
344
00:19:48,099 --> 00:19:51,449
I think that maybe
we should start making the planes
345
00:19:51,494 --> 00:19:53,844
out of the shit
that we make the black box with!
346
00:19:53,888 --> 00:19:56,588
What the fuck is going on?[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
347
00:19:56,630 --> 00:19:58,500
Don't be bullshitting
with me, Miss Media.
348
00:19:58,545 --> 00:20:01,195
Don't bullshit with me, media.
349
00:20:01,243 --> 00:20:03,383
That's why I smoke weed
every motherfuckin' day
350
00:20:03,419 --> 00:20:05,679
so I don't be stressed out
about that kind of bullshit.
351
00:20:05,726 --> 00:20:07,416
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
352
00:20:11,601 --> 00:20:13,041
I love weed.
353
00:20:13,081 --> 00:20:15,871
I think God made weed
for us to fuck with.
354
00:20:15,910 --> 00:20:18,350
That shit come from
the Earth, don't it?
355
00:20:18,391 --> 00:20:22,051
Huh? You can't
make that shit. It was already here.
356
00:20:22,090 --> 00:20:23,740
I'm going to tell
y'all something.
357
00:20:23,787 --> 00:20:26,787
It ain't nothing
like smoking a blunt
358
00:20:26,834 --> 00:20:29,054
with your girl
in the bed, butt naked,
359
00:20:29,097 --> 00:20:30,927
with a big ass bowl of
Fruit Loops on the floor,
360
00:20:30,968 --> 00:20:33,358
with five ice cubes
in the fruit loops, nigga!
361
00:20:33,406 --> 00:20:35,706
Ain't nothing like that shit!
362
00:20:35,756 --> 00:20:38,846
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
363
00:20:38,889 --> 00:20:43,849
Y'all be in the bed,
high as a motherfucker, and can't find the remote.
364
00:20:43,894 --> 00:20:46,114
Nigga turn the whole
bed up trying to find the remote.
365
00:20:46,157 --> 00:20:48,727
"Where the remote at, boo?
Boo, where the remote at, boo?
366
00:20:48,769 --> 00:20:52,339
"Quit playin' boo.
Come on, boo, where the remote at?"
367
00:20:52,381 --> 00:20:55,251
Bitch all down in the kitchen.
"I can't find it."
368
00:20:55,297 --> 00:20:57,427
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
369
00:20:57,473 --> 00:21:00,083
Triflin' ass nigga
be layin' right on top of the motherfuckin' remote.
370
00:21:00,128 --> 00:21:01,908
"Oh, my bad, boo.
Here you go."
371
00:21:04,567 --> 00:21:06,697
Motherfuckers talk
shit about weed.
372
00:21:06,743 --> 00:21:09,753
I'd rather smoke weed
than smoke some crack.
373
00:21:09,790 --> 00:21:11,230
[AUDIENCE CHEERS]
374
00:21:11,270 --> 00:21:12,400
Fuck that.
375
00:21:16,144 --> 00:21:18,414
You ever see them crackhead
bitches out there on Figueroa?
376
00:21:18,451 --> 00:21:20,501
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
377
00:21:20,540 --> 00:21:23,930
And I got love for them.
I got love for you, boo.
378
00:21:23,978 --> 00:21:25,808
But them bitches be
out there perkin'.
379
00:21:27,286 --> 00:21:29,066
Four, five in the morning.
380
00:21:29,113 --> 00:21:30,553
Bitch outside actin'
like she cold as a motherfucker.
381
00:21:32,247 --> 00:21:35,207
"Huh? Who that? Who that?
Huh? Who that?
382
00:21:35,250 --> 00:21:38,510
"I don't know you. One time.
One time. I don't know you.
383
00:21:38,558 --> 00:21:42,078
"I don't know you. Huh? Huh?
What happened? Huh?
384
00:21:42,126 --> 00:21:47,306
"What, what? Me? Huh?
What? What? What?
385
00:21:47,349 --> 00:21:51,879
"Go around the corner.
Go around the corner. Go around...
386
00:21:51,919 --> 00:21:54,789
"Okay. Who that? Who that?
Who that? Who that?
387
00:21:54,835 --> 00:21:58,445
"I can't, one time.
One time. One time.
388
00:21:58,491 --> 00:22:00,841
"Huh? One time.
I don't know you.
389
00:22:00,884 --> 00:22:02,454
"I don't know you? Huh?
390
00:22:02,495 --> 00:22:04,705
"Who that? Who that? Who that?
391
00:22:07,630 --> 00:22:11,550
[SHUDDERS]
392
00:22:11,591 --> 00:22:13,201
"What's wrong, boo?
What's wrong?"
393
00:22:13,244 --> 00:22:15,124
[LAUGHING]
394
00:22:15,159 --> 00:22:18,639
Peace! I'm gone, baby.[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]
395
00:22:24,865 --> 00:22:28,035
Hey, keep it going
for all the comics we had tonight, y'all,
396
00:22:28,085 --> 00:22:30,905
on this show here.
Let 'em hear it. Let 'em hear it.
397
00:22:30,958 --> 00:22:32,828
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
398
00:22:35,266 --> 00:22:40,136
This my motherfuckin'
first time hosting the motherfuckin' show.
399
00:22:40,184 --> 00:22:42,194
You ain't shit
without a chance.
400
00:22:42,230 --> 00:22:43,580
Here's a man
who gave me a chance,
401
00:22:43,623 --> 00:22:44,973
the man who
made it possible,
402
00:22:45,015 --> 00:22:47,145
ladies and gentlemen,
Russell Simmons, y'all.
403
00:22:47,191 --> 00:22:49,631
Thank you for coming out.
God bless you. Good night.
404
00:22:49,672 --> 00:22:52,072
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]
405
00:22:52,122 --> 00:22:56,672
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