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KID CAPRI:
It's the Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam.
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00:00:10,271 --> 00:00:12,321
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
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00:00:15,189 --> 00:00:20,059
I am your man, the world's
greatest DJ, the Kid Capri.
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00:00:20,107 --> 00:00:21,537
/With your host...
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00:00:24,241 --> 00:00:25,721
Tonight's guests...
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Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome my home girl to the stage, Sommore!
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[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]
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00:00:52,878 --> 00:00:55,488
Yes! Y'all give it up
for Kid Capri!
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00:00:56,969 --> 00:01:00,929
I'm talking about
the best DJ in the land.
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00:01:00,973 --> 00:01:04,413
Can somebody tell me
where's my niggas?
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00:01:04,455 --> 00:01:06,405
[AUDIENCE WHOOPING]
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00:01:06,457 --> 00:01:08,197
Woo! But check this out.
13
00:01:08,242 --> 00:01:12,202
We taping Def Comedy Jam
in Los Angeles, California.
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00:01:12,246 --> 00:01:16,466
I'm talking about swimming
pools, movie stars.
15
00:01:16,511 --> 00:01:19,431
You know, palm trees
and all that kind of shit.
16
00:01:19,470 --> 00:01:22,560
Just hanging around...
West side.
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00:01:22,604 --> 00:01:24,434
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
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00:01:25,172 --> 00:01:26,172
[WHISTLING]
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00:01:27,478 --> 00:01:29,738
Okay.
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00:01:29,785 --> 00:01:32,605
They gotta hype like
a motherfucker, right?
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Me, myself, I like this
shit 'cause, you know,
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I like to be around people
that got a lot of money and shit, you know.
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00:01:38,315 --> 00:01:42,665
'Cause y'all don't
know money like I know money.
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00:01:42,711 --> 00:01:45,151
You ever realize, though,
when you got it going on,
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00:01:45,192 --> 00:01:48,802
you can go to the ATM
machine and just hit "Withdraw?"
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But when your shit ain't
correct, you got to hit "Balance" first?
27
00:01:56,725 --> 00:01:59,115
I mean, y'all just
don't know money like I know money.
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00:01:59,162 --> 00:02:02,172
I never forget. See,
I'm just a money conscious individual.
29
00:02:02,209 --> 00:02:05,819
I never forget when I first
got out of high school I was broke as shit.
30
00:02:05,864 --> 00:02:07,214
Didn't know what to do.
31
00:02:07,257 --> 00:02:08,997
Figured I'd join the army.
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00:02:09,041 --> 00:02:11,871
Didn't realize they didn't
pay you a whole lot of money.
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00:02:11,914 --> 00:02:13,664
Got my first check.
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00:02:13,698 --> 00:02:15,828
I looked at that little bit
of money, they talking about,
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"Be all you can be."
36
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I said, "Shit, I'm gonna
be selling some pussy up in here."
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Baby, I was fucking
sergeants and generals and colonels, oh, my!
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00:02:27,451 --> 00:02:29,981
Selling pussy is on
the SAT test, ain't it?
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00:02:32,456 --> 00:02:34,106
And I don't know
what it is.
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00:02:34,154 --> 00:02:35,854
You know, black women,
we getting so much money nowadays,
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you know, with
the fingernail shit.
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00:02:37,896 --> 00:02:39,936
Oh, y'all know what
I'm talkin' about.
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Y'all seen 'em.
Fingernails 16 inches long, 14 different colors.
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00:02:44,468 --> 00:02:47,038
You don't need all
them fucking fingernails.
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How you expect to go
through a man's pockets while he asleep
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00:02:50,039 --> 00:02:52,649
at night with all
them fucking nails?
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00:02:52,694 --> 00:02:55,224
You gonna fuck around
and get caught
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00:02:55,262 --> 00:02:57,532
and fuck it up
for the rest of us.
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00:02:57,568 --> 00:03:00,348
As women, all you need
is tight pussy, big titties
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00:03:00,397 --> 00:03:04,357
and know how to give
a good dick lick and niggas will love you.
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00:03:04,401 --> 00:03:06,841
You don't need
all that extra shit.
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[SHOUTS]
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00:03:10,625 --> 00:03:12,885
You know, 'cause, you know,
even women with money,
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00:03:12,931 --> 00:03:15,061
they starting to trip
nowadays. Like Halle Berry.
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00:03:15,107 --> 00:03:19,807
Can you believe that Halle
Berry left her husband, David Justice?
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I'm talking about
fine ass David Justice.
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I'm talking about got it
going on David Justice.
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I'm talking about
cha-ching David Justice.
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She left David Justice
because she found out that he was fucking another woman.
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00:03:36,128 --> 00:03:38,828
Ladies, let me explain
some shit to you.
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When you are fucking...
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When you are fucking
$1,000 man,
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00:03:42,961 --> 00:03:47,271
shit is different than
when you're fucking a million dollar man.
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When you are fucking
a million dollar man
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shit ain't supposed
to bother you.
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Like when you're fucking
$1,000 man.
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Baby, if David Justice
was married to a business woman like myself
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it could be
justice for all in this motherfucker, okay?
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00:04:08,813 --> 00:04:09,813
Hoo!
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He could be butt-naked
in bed with another bitch,
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00:04:14,515 --> 00:04:17,425
I'll be laying next to him
playing with his nuts from the back.
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Talking about Halle
and this dang bitch!
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Hoo!
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Baby,
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'cause I'm not waiting
two weeks.
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Hell, I'm waiting to go to
the mall on they ass, okay?
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Y'all just don't know
money like I know money.
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You know, and see...
And see, don't get me wrong, 'cause see,
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I'll always tell women,
"Be careful, you know.
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"Don't expect a man just
to give you his money.
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"But you wanna be
compensated for your skills."
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And ladies,
you always have to practice your skills.
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Because little do you know,
there's a shortage of men.
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00:04:57,993 --> 00:05:01,303
Now, look at... They looking
at me like they really don't know this shit.
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00:05:01,344 --> 00:05:03,094
There's a shortage of men.
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00:05:03,128 --> 00:05:05,348
And if you don't have
your skills tight,
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by the year 2000 some
of y'all gonna be sharing men.
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00:05:08,873 --> 00:05:12,663
Now, I don't like to
give away my shit,
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00:05:12,703 --> 00:05:17,673
but I can tell ya some
shit you can do to practice your skills.
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00:05:17,708 --> 00:05:22,538
Watcha do, one night
when you and your man, y'all just chilling,
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00:05:22,583 --> 00:05:24,673
get you a banana,
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sit down next to him,
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unpeel the banana,
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put you some peanut butter
all over the banana,
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put a little honey on it
for lubrication.
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Now see, the purpose
of this drill
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is for you to take all
of the peanut butter
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off the banana without
doing two things.
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Ladies, first of all,
you must not put teeth marks on the banana.
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00:05:56,834 --> 00:06:01,624
Second of all, you must
not break the banana.
101
00:06:03,450 --> 00:06:06,670
Now see, while you're
doing this for him,
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he's gonna seem like
he's really not all that interested,
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but believe me,
when he speaks about you to his friends,
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he gonna be speaking
in peanut butter lingo.
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00:06:17,768 --> 00:06:20,548
They gonna say,
"You getting ready to go over to Sommore house?"
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"In a Jiffy."
107
00:06:23,252 --> 00:06:26,522
"You still fucking Sommore?"
"Damn Skippy."
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00:06:29,040 --> 00:06:31,350
You know, 'cause...
You know, 'cause I'm one of those women,
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I believe you gotta
practice your skills.
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00:06:34,350 --> 00:06:36,350
You gotta show 'em
what to do to ya.
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00:06:36,396 --> 00:06:38,566
I get so tired of women
coming to me talking about,
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00:06:38,615 --> 00:06:42,175
"You know, I just
can't find a man that can satisfy me."
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00:06:42,227 --> 00:06:46,747
Ladies, you gotta teach
them how to satisfy you. Now, like I said,
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00:06:46,797 --> 00:06:50,107
I don't like to
give away my shit,
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00:06:50,148 --> 00:06:53,498
but I'm gonna tell y'all
some shit that you can do.
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00:06:53,543 --> 00:06:57,293
Whatcha do is you
get you a piece of paper.
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Draw out the female
anatomy on the paper.
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You number your erogenal
zones in which order you want him to kiss them.
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00:07:06,600 --> 00:07:08,780
Like, you might put
a one at your ear,
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00:07:08,819 --> 00:07:11,649
a two at your mouth,
a three at your breast,
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00:07:11,692 --> 00:07:14,392
a four on your neck,
and you work your way down.
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00:07:14,434 --> 00:07:16,224
Give him this paper,
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allow him to take the paper
home with him and study it.
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This way,
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00:07:25,749 --> 00:07:28,009
when you get in
bed with him,
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all you gotta do is start
calling out numbers.
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00:07:30,754 --> 00:07:33,714
Let Mama get a one.
Give me a one.
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00:07:33,757 --> 00:07:36,187
Let me get a two.
Let me get a two.
129
00:07:36,238 --> 00:07:37,888
Let me get a three.
Gimme a three.
130
00:07:37,935 --> 00:07:40,365
Oh, don't fuck around
and hit a combination on his ass.
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00:07:40,416 --> 00:07:42,366
Let me get a six, two, nine.
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00:07:42,418 --> 00:07:44,198
Let me get a five, six, one.
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00:07:45,377 --> 00:07:47,117
Hoo!
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00:07:47,162 --> 00:07:49,252
Baby, I've been doing
this shit a long time,
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00:07:49,294 --> 00:07:52,524
so you know I'm up
in the double digits on they ass, right?
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00:07:52,559 --> 00:07:54,469
You come past my house
late at night
137
00:07:54,517 --> 00:07:56,777
it might sound like
a football game going on.
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00:07:56,824 --> 00:07:58,704
Talking about, "36.
139
00:07:58,739 --> 00:08:02,659
"29. 16."
140
00:08:02,699 --> 00:08:05,829
Oh, when I finish with
a man he might not be able to read,
141
00:08:05,876 --> 00:08:08,486
but his ass will know
how to count.
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00:08:08,531 --> 00:08:12,671
Y'all my name
is Sommore. We gonna get this party rolling!
143
00:08:19,542 --> 00:08:20,892
Yes!
144
00:08:20,935 --> 00:08:22,585
This is Def Comedy Jam
145
00:08:22,632 --> 00:08:25,072
and we showcasing young
comedians from all over the world.
146
00:08:25,113 --> 00:08:29,033
This young man is originally
from Ohio, now living in Atlanta, Georgia.
147
00:08:29,073 --> 00:08:31,293
His second appearance
on Def Comedy Jam,
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00:08:31,336 --> 00:08:34,816
give it up for
Mr. Sherman Golden!
149
00:08:34,862 --> 00:08:36,862
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]
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00:08:44,306 --> 00:08:45,866
Wassup LA?
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00:08:46,613 --> 00:08:48,573
All right! Woo!
152
00:08:48,615 --> 00:08:50,915
Y'all give it up for
the beautiful black women in the house.
153
00:08:50,965 --> 00:08:53,095
God damn. All right.
154
00:08:53,141 --> 00:08:56,411
I think we got a couple
white women too. Lock the door.
155
00:08:56,448 --> 00:08:58,628
You know, one of 'em
run out here and say a nigga done something,
156
00:08:58,668 --> 00:09:00,628
all y'all going to jail.
157
00:09:00,670 --> 00:09:02,590
I ain't lying. Remember
the woman in South Carolina
158
00:09:02,629 --> 00:09:04,759
that said a nigga took
the car and the kids?
159
00:09:04,805 --> 00:09:07,155
Even white folks knew
she was lying.
160
00:09:07,198 --> 00:09:09,848
'Cause they know
we'll take her car.
161
00:09:09,897 --> 00:09:12,417
Nigga might take
your car tonight.
162
00:09:12,464 --> 00:09:14,604
Nigga ain't taking no kids.
163
00:09:14,641 --> 00:09:17,561
You can't get a nigga to
take his own damn kids.
164
00:09:17,600 --> 00:09:20,170
It's like, "Nigga, get
the fuck out! Get out!"
165
00:09:20,211 --> 00:09:22,611
He get halfway down
the street, see them niggas in the back, he be like,
166
00:09:22,649 --> 00:09:25,779
"Damn! Y'all getting out
at the corner."
167
00:09:27,523 --> 00:09:28,833
'Cause you got to
tell them the truth.
168
00:09:28,872 --> 00:09:31,312
You can't fool kids
no more. Hell no.
169
00:09:31,353 --> 00:09:33,793
They know shit. Remember back
in the day, we used to could fool them motherfuckers?
170
00:09:33,834 --> 00:09:35,624
Like, like during
Halloween if you don't give out candy,
171
00:09:35,662 --> 00:09:37,452
cut your light out,
act like you ain't home, right?
172
00:09:37,489 --> 00:09:39,839
They know
to go to the next motherfucking house.
173
00:09:39,883 --> 00:09:41,843
Not today.
174
00:09:41,885 --> 00:09:43,535
Them motherfuckers will
knock 'til your ass come to the door.
175
00:09:43,583 --> 00:09:45,453
[KNOCKING]
"Trick or treat, nigga.
176
00:09:47,282 --> 00:09:50,202
"Oh, we know
your ass up in there."
177
00:09:50,241 --> 00:09:52,941
I come to the door and say,
"Hey, man, I ain't giving out no candy tonight."
178
00:09:52,983 --> 00:09:55,683
This little boy couldn't
have been no more than five or six years old.
179
00:09:55,725 --> 00:09:56,895
He say, "Misker,
180
00:09:58,336 --> 00:09:59,816
"We gonna go up the skreet,
181
00:10:01,035 --> 00:10:02,945
"but when we get back
182
00:10:02,993 --> 00:10:05,613
"if your ass ain't
got no candies
183
00:10:06,997 --> 00:10:08,867
"we comin' to get
that V-thee-R."
184
00:10:08,912 --> 00:10:10,312
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
185
00:10:11,959 --> 00:10:13,569
And they be meaning
that shit, don't it?
186
00:10:13,613 --> 00:10:15,573
Times so hard they don't
even dress up no more, do they?
187
00:10:15,615 --> 00:10:17,965
Them motherfuckers just
knock on your damn door, don't they?
188
00:10:18,008 --> 00:10:19,708
Talking about, "We
comin' from school."
189
00:10:21,359 --> 00:10:23,099
I mean, this little boy
knocked on my door.
190
00:10:23,144 --> 00:10:25,634
This motherfucker had
on all black, put a red dot on his head.
191
00:10:25,668 --> 00:10:27,668
I said, "Man, what the fuck
you supposed to be?"
192
00:10:27,714 --> 00:10:29,984
He said, "Nigga,
I'm a beeper.
193
00:10:30,020 --> 00:10:31,370
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
194
00:10:33,720 --> 00:10:37,680
"You see, I'm on vibrate.
I'm on vibrate, nigga."
195
00:10:46,733 --> 00:10:48,003
Now, I'm gonna tell y'all
women something else,
196
00:10:48,038 --> 00:10:49,558
keep y'all motherfucking
house clean.
197
00:10:49,605 --> 00:10:51,645
MAN: That's right.I'm telling you.
198
00:10:51,694 --> 00:10:53,574
I bet every girl in here
got a girlfriend that keep a nasty house.
199
00:10:53,609 --> 00:10:54,739
Raise your hand.
200
00:10:54,784 --> 00:10:56,444
Look at, "Ooh,
that's my ride."
201
00:10:58,788 --> 00:11:01,398
No, I'm saying 'cause
I had one of the worst experiences of my life
202
00:11:01,443 --> 00:11:03,533
in a nasty
motherfucking house.
203
00:11:03,575 --> 00:11:05,745
I come home from this
girl house. I mean, shit, nasty. Fuck. Woo!
204
00:11:05,795 --> 00:11:10,185
You know your house nasty
when roaches won't eat off the floor.
205
00:11:10,234 --> 00:11:12,724
I come in that motherfucker,
man, clothes all in the corner.
206
00:11:12,759 --> 00:11:14,329
I thought about four niggas
was gonna jump on me.
207
00:11:14,369 --> 00:11:15,629
I said, "What's that?"
She said, "Them clothes."
208
00:11:15,675 --> 00:11:17,545
I said, "Woo, bitch,
get 'em down."
209
00:11:19,591 --> 00:11:21,291
Nigga sneak me in the
bedroom talking about,
210
00:11:21,332 --> 00:11:26,692
"You wanna make love to me?"
I was like, "Hell... Yeah."
211
00:11:26,729 --> 00:11:28,819
You know how you be
in that shit, they be like,
212
00:11:28,862 --> 00:11:32,742
"Oh, that's so good.
Oh, oh, talk to me, baby. Oh please, talk dirty.
213
00:11:32,779 --> 00:11:34,869
"Oh, say something nasty!"
214
00:11:34,911 --> 00:11:38,261
I said, "Oh, bitch,
the kitchen.
215
00:11:38,306 --> 00:11:41,736
"When you gonna clean
that nasty motherfucker?"
216
00:11:41,788 --> 00:11:45,268
She was like, "Oh, don't..."
I said, "Bitch, what about the living room?"
217
00:11:45,313 --> 00:11:48,493
Yo, my name's Sherman, y'all.
I'm out of here. Peace!
218
00:11:48,533 --> 00:11:51,283
[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]
219
00:11:57,151 --> 00:11:59,981
Let's make some noise
for Sherman Golden!
220
00:12:00,807 --> 00:12:02,457
Woo!
221
00:12:12,340 --> 00:12:14,340
I just wanna say
222
00:12:14,385 --> 00:12:18,295
that there's some fine,
fine gentlemen in the house right now.
223
00:12:18,346 --> 00:12:22,046
You know, I don't know
if they... Look it, they standing up and shit.
224
00:12:22,089 --> 00:12:25,309
But you know me, myself,
you know, I really...
225
00:12:25,353 --> 00:12:28,143
I really don't like fine men.
226
00:12:28,182 --> 00:12:33,452
Give me a ugly motherfucker
with low self-esteem and I'm happy.
227
00:12:33,491 --> 00:12:36,931
I'm for real.
That's the kind I like. You know what I'm saying?
228
00:12:36,973 --> 00:12:39,803
Look at women, they be
cheering and shit when you call a man ugly.
229
00:12:39,846 --> 00:12:42,196
They like that, when you
say you like ugly men, but women,
230
00:12:42,239 --> 00:12:44,889
we will not call ourselves
ugly, will we?
231
00:12:44,938 --> 00:12:48,678
I don't give a damn how
ugly you really are,
232
00:12:48,724 --> 00:12:52,294
you will not admit
that your ass is ugly.
233
00:12:52,336 --> 00:12:56,816
But see, I got a test
for you to find out if your ass is ugly.
234
00:12:56,863 --> 00:13:01,743
If every man you seem to
fuck always wants to do it doggy-style...
235
00:13:01,781 --> 00:13:03,091
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
236
00:13:06,873 --> 00:13:09,483
Your ass is ugly.
237
00:13:09,527 --> 00:13:11,827
You know who you are.
As soon as you hit the room, you be like,
238
00:13:11,878 --> 00:13:15,398
"I know, I know,
I know, I know.
239
00:13:15,446 --> 00:13:16,666
"I know.
240
00:13:19,711 --> 00:13:21,801
"I know, I know."
241
00:13:23,759 --> 00:13:24,929
Woo!
242
00:13:24,978 --> 00:13:26,848
We gonna keep
the party rolling.
243
00:13:26,893 --> 00:13:31,683
From Washington, D.C.,
give a big hand to Mr. Dave Tullis!
244
00:13:31,723 --> 00:13:33,993
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
245
00:13:52,005 --> 00:13:54,745
Man, this ain't
The Tonight Show.
246
00:13:54,790 --> 00:13:56,660
Y'all looking at me
like Vanilla Ice.
247
00:13:59,055 --> 00:14:01,535
I know the hair's
pretty crazy, right? I cut it myself.
248
00:14:01,579 --> 00:14:04,319
I thought I did a good job
'til I got out here to LA, right?
249
00:14:04,365 --> 00:14:06,625
And I was waiting for
my cab. This lady drove by, yelled out,
250
00:14:06,671 --> 00:14:09,021
"Run, Forrest, run!"
251
00:14:09,065 --> 00:14:10,495
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
252
00:14:11,589 --> 00:14:13,159
I'm celebrating
a new daughter.
253
00:14:14,027 --> 00:14:15,717
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]
254
00:14:15,767 --> 00:14:17,467
Thank you very...
255
00:14:17,508 --> 00:14:20,288
She's 13-years-old. [LAUGHS]
256
00:14:22,426 --> 00:14:24,646
I just got the court
notice Friday.
257
00:14:28,824 --> 00:14:31,704
I fucked around
and failed that DNA test.
258
00:14:39,313 --> 00:14:41,923
They want $300 a month
for child support.
259
00:14:41,968 --> 00:14:44,358
I was like, "Look, man,
I saw this commercial on TV last week
260
00:14:44,405 --> 00:14:46,885
"where you could feed
a hungry child for six cents a day."
261
00:14:52,152 --> 00:14:54,462
Sounds like her ass
needs relocated.
262
00:14:57,374 --> 00:14:59,594
$300 is a lot of money
for somebody like me.
263
00:14:59,637 --> 00:15:01,547
I ain't got a good job
or anything like that
264
00:15:01,596 --> 00:15:03,946
'cause I didn't go to
school or anything. I quit high school.
265
00:15:03,990 --> 00:15:05,860
I'm no dummy though.
I got my GED.
266
00:15:07,994 --> 00:15:10,134
You don't see no GED reunion.
267
00:15:10,170 --> 00:15:11,910
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
268
00:15:18,047 --> 00:15:20,957
Not like they could have it.
We probably couldn't read the invitations.
269
00:15:24,053 --> 00:15:26,713
I quit high school 'cause
I was a goofy kind of guy, you know?
270
00:15:26,751 --> 00:15:28,671
I'm still goofy,
so fuck y'all.
271
00:15:30,755 --> 00:15:33,405
My problem is I'm not
good looking, but I'm not ugly.
272
00:15:33,454 --> 00:15:34,894
I'm, like,
right in the middle.
273
00:15:34,934 --> 00:15:36,024
It's hard to be
in the middle, man.
274
00:15:36,065 --> 00:15:37,975
I was in this club
last night, right?
275
00:15:38,024 --> 00:15:40,074
This lady walked up.
She goes, "Hey, you're kind of cute."
276
00:15:40,113 --> 00:15:41,853
Kinda.
277
00:15:41,897 --> 00:15:43,677
Thanks a lot,
you sorta fat bitch.
278
00:15:43,725 --> 00:15:44,935
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
279
00:15:55,867 --> 00:15:58,087
You look like you
almost been on a diet.
280
00:16:02,222 --> 00:16:03,442
Wassup, white boy?
281
00:16:11,013 --> 00:16:12,973
[WHISTLING]
282
00:16:13,015 --> 00:16:15,235
You know that
motherfucking cracker ain't gonna take no mic.
283
00:16:16,845 --> 00:16:18,885
White people are crazy now,
aren't they, man?
284
00:16:23,895 --> 00:16:25,585
What? I'm not white, man.
285
00:16:25,636 --> 00:16:26,806
I'm like redbone.
286
00:16:31,729 --> 00:16:33,689
You ever, like, watch CNN
late at night, right,
287
00:16:33,731 --> 00:16:35,861
when there's, like,
a hurricane blowing through town or something, like?
288
00:16:35,907 --> 00:16:37,867
They'll have, like,
the white reporters on?
289
00:16:37,909 --> 00:16:39,649
Their ass will always be
standing in the middle of the street,
290
00:16:39,694 --> 00:16:41,264
wind will be blowing
90 miles an hour,
291
00:16:41,304 --> 00:16:43,314
they'll be trying to do
a live interview and shit.
292
00:16:43,350 --> 00:16:47,570
"Shh, this is Bob Johnson
comin' to you live from Hurricane Bertha."
293
00:16:47,615 --> 00:16:50,045
You don't see no brothers
doing no shit like that.
294
00:16:50,096 --> 00:16:53,096
"Yo, this is Tyrone coming
to you live from the basement of the hurricane shelter.
295
00:16:53,142 --> 00:16:54,712
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS
AND APPLAUDING]
296
00:17:02,151 --> 00:17:04,241
"We fixin' to kick open
a bottle of Moet."
297
00:17:07,591 --> 00:17:09,771
Been having a lot of fun
since I been out here in LA and stuff.
298
00:17:09,811 --> 00:17:11,861
Man, it's pretty cool.
I went down... I rented a car.
299
00:17:11,900 --> 00:17:14,080
I went down to Hollywood
Boulevard the other night.
300
00:17:14,120 --> 00:17:17,860
Man, you guys got, like,
a lot of hookers down there, man.
301
00:17:17,906 --> 00:17:21,516
Like, too many. They need
to legalize prostitution, you know?
302
00:17:21,562 --> 00:17:24,222
Put it on all the corners
like pizza places.
303
00:17:24,260 --> 00:17:26,480
You want some booty?
Go to Domahoes.
304
00:17:28,830 --> 00:17:32,530
They'll be places like
Little Skeezers.
305
00:17:32,573 --> 00:17:36,103
Can y'all see that
commercial? "Pussy, pussy!"
306
00:17:36,142 --> 00:17:38,192
Thanks a lot Def Jam!
My name's Dave Tullis.
307
00:17:38,231 --> 00:17:40,281
[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]
308
00:17:52,854 --> 00:17:56,604
Y'all give it up one
more time for Dave.
309
00:17:56,640 --> 00:17:59,860
That was wonderful! Yes.
310
00:17:59,904 --> 00:18:03,084
I'm a tell y'all some shit
that I analyzed that is some true shit.
311
00:18:03,125 --> 00:18:06,735
And this is true.
Ladies, your man
312
00:18:06,781 --> 00:18:09,131
can be with another woman.
313
00:18:09,175 --> 00:18:11,125
You can page him.
314
00:18:11,177 --> 00:18:14,007
He will not call
your ass back.
315
00:18:14,049 --> 00:18:18,709
Instead he would rather
tell you that he left his beeper in the car,
316
00:18:18,749 --> 00:18:21,839
he never got the page,
he couldn't find a phone,
317
00:18:21,883 --> 00:18:25,103
he didn't have a quarter,
his battery was running low,
318
00:18:25,147 --> 00:18:27,057
his pager was
in his pocket,
319
00:18:27,106 --> 00:18:29,976
he just did not
get the page.
320
00:18:30,021 --> 00:18:34,941
But, ladies, with our
smooth motherfucking asses,
321
00:18:34,983 --> 00:18:37,993
we can be butt-naked
in bed with another motherfucker,
322
00:18:38,029 --> 00:18:39,639
pager go off, we'll
look at him and say,
323
00:18:39,683 --> 00:18:41,773
"Be quiet. I gotta call
my boyfriend back.
324
00:18:41,816 --> 00:18:43,206
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
325
00:18:46,516 --> 00:18:48,166
"Hey, boo!
326
00:18:51,042 --> 00:18:53,092
"Wassup, boo?"
327
00:18:56,178 --> 00:18:57,528
Woo!
328
00:18:57,571 --> 00:18:59,661
We gonna keep this
party rolling for you.
329
00:18:59,703 --> 00:19:03,623
This next gentleman coming
to the stage originally from Jamaica,
330
00:19:03,664 --> 00:19:05,194
now living in New York,
331
00:19:05,231 --> 00:19:07,491
second appearance
on Def Comedy Jam,
332
00:19:07,537 --> 00:19:11,187
put your hands together
for Ian Edwards!
333
00:19:11,237 --> 00:19:13,197
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
334
00:19:16,894 --> 00:19:18,854
Big up! Big up! Respect!
335
00:19:18,896 --> 00:19:22,116
Big up, LA. Respect, LA.
336
00:19:22,161 --> 00:19:25,861
Big up, LA. Jamaican people,
we big up every type.
337
00:19:25,903 --> 00:19:27,993
Big up every fucking thing.
338
00:19:28,036 --> 00:19:29,596
Respect purple.
339
00:19:30,734 --> 00:19:32,524
Big up, Bonnie. Respect.
340
00:19:37,959 --> 00:19:39,219
Big up.
341
00:19:39,265 --> 00:19:40,955
You don't need no
big up. Small up.
342
00:19:42,268 --> 00:19:43,488
Jenny Craig up.
343
00:19:44,357 --> 00:19:46,397
Richard Simmons.
344
00:19:46,446 --> 00:19:49,136
It's good to be up in here.
Black people, give yourself a round of applause.
345
00:19:49,188 --> 00:19:50,748
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
346
00:19:51,494 --> 00:19:54,114
Shit.
347
00:19:54,149 --> 00:19:56,799
I like to get on
stage, I like to talk about my problems.
348
00:19:56,847 --> 00:20:01,157
Everybody hate your
fucking bills. How many of you hate your bills?
349
00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:02,810
How many people,
when you get your bills in the mail,
350
00:20:02,853 --> 00:20:05,253
you don't even wanna
open the shit?
351
00:20:05,291 --> 00:20:09,251
You just take the envelope
and throw it in the corner with the rest of this shit.
352
00:20:09,295 --> 00:20:12,245
If they ask you,
"Did you see our bill?" "No, we ain't see shit,
353
00:20:12,298 --> 00:20:14,078
"'cause we ain't open shit."
354
00:20:14,125 --> 00:20:15,775
I don't pay nothing.
355
00:20:15,823 --> 00:20:18,833
I don't pay shit. They
cut all my shit off.
356
00:20:18,869 --> 00:20:20,779
The light is cut off.
357
00:20:20,828 --> 00:20:22,958
I just use a match.
358
00:20:23,004 --> 00:20:25,014
The phone company,
I don't pay them shit.
359
00:20:25,049 --> 00:20:27,439
They the biggest rip off.
Am I bullshitting?
360
00:20:27,487 --> 00:20:29,317
They take all our
fucking money.
361
00:20:29,358 --> 00:20:31,358
The phone company
think they slick.
362
00:20:31,404 --> 00:20:33,494
Everybody here, you make
one phone call a month,
363
00:20:33,536 --> 00:20:35,836
you got a $200 phone bill.
364
00:20:35,886 --> 00:20:38,056
I know people with
no phone, get a phone bill.
365
00:20:38,106 --> 00:20:40,056
"What the fuck is this?
366
00:20:40,108 --> 00:20:43,238
"Our shit ain't even cut on.
What the fuck?"
367
00:20:43,285 --> 00:20:45,505
Phone company
think they slick.
368
00:20:45,548 --> 00:20:48,728
Everybody here, we don't
know each other, but we experience the same shit.
369
00:20:48,769 --> 00:20:52,559
Like everybody here used to
get that obscene phone call back in the day, remember?
370
00:20:52,599 --> 00:20:53,819
Someone used to
call your house...
371
00:20:53,861 --> 00:20:55,301
[IMITATES PHONE RINGING]
"Hello?"
372
00:20:55,341 --> 00:20:57,131
[HEAVY BREATHING]
373
00:20:57,168 --> 00:20:58,738
"I'm gonna kill your cat."
[IMITATES HANGING UP]
374
00:20:58,779 --> 00:21:00,869
"Who is this? Who is this?"
375
00:21:00,911 --> 00:21:04,701
Who the fuck had time
to call everybody in here and do that shit?
376
00:21:04,741 --> 00:21:07,001
Who had all that
fucking time on they hands?
377
00:21:07,048 --> 00:21:09,178
Then the phone company
come out with caller ID
378
00:21:09,224 --> 00:21:12,454
and star 69.
Then you buy that shit.
379
00:21:12,488 --> 00:21:14,878
Then nobody call your house
and breath heavy no more.
380
00:21:16,579 --> 00:21:19,099
That's 'cause it was
the fucking phone company.
381
00:21:20,670 --> 00:21:23,060
Motherfuckers.
You been set up!
382
00:21:23,107 --> 00:21:27,327
You been hoodwinked!
You been bamboozled!
383
00:21:27,373 --> 00:21:30,813
Next time somebody calls
your house and breathes heavy, dial the operator back.
384
00:21:30,854 --> 00:21:33,604
[IMITATES PHONE RINGING]
"Hello?" "Bitch, I know it's you!
385
00:21:35,032 --> 00:21:38,342
"Ian told me. I'm gonna
bust your shit!
386
00:21:38,384 --> 00:21:40,864
"You tricky bastard.
You son of a bitch."
387
00:21:43,389 --> 00:21:44,779
And you hate your
cheap friends.
388
00:21:44,825 --> 00:21:46,645
How many of you hate
fucking cheap friends?
389
00:21:46,696 --> 00:21:48,516
Always borrowing
your shit.
390
00:21:50,352 --> 00:21:52,092
They don't have shit
because you got it.
391
00:21:54,182 --> 00:21:56,972
You got it, so they got it.
This is some bullshit.
392
00:21:57,011 --> 00:21:58,491
Like, everybody
here got a pager.
393
00:21:58,534 --> 00:22:00,844
Every fucking body
got a pager, right?
394
00:22:00,884 --> 00:22:03,374
Except that one motherfucker
that hang out with you that don't got no pager,
395
00:22:03,409 --> 00:22:05,889
but be getting beeps on
your motherfucking pager.
396
00:22:07,543 --> 00:22:09,023
What type of shit is this?
397
00:22:09,066 --> 00:22:10,496
Beep, beep, beep.
"It's for you.
398
00:22:10,546 --> 00:22:11,896
"When you gonna
pay this shit?
399
00:22:11,939 --> 00:22:13,679
"This means you need one!
400
00:22:13,723 --> 00:22:16,383
"Son of a bitch.
401
00:22:16,422 --> 00:22:18,692
"Motherfucker!
You son of a bitch!"
402
00:22:18,728 --> 00:22:20,028
I got a friend,
he's so cheap,
403
00:22:20,077 --> 00:22:22,207
this motherfucker
page me collect.
404
00:22:22,253 --> 00:22:25,263
I couldn't believe this shit.
405
00:22:25,300 --> 00:22:28,390
Nigga paged me collect.
I looked at the pager, it says zero.
406
00:22:28,434 --> 00:22:30,524
I'm like, "What the fuck?"
407
00:22:30,566 --> 00:22:32,346
I dialed zero,
the operator come on.
408
00:22:32,394 --> 00:22:34,744
"You have a collect
page from Tyrone.
409
00:22:35,745 --> 00:22:38,565
"Do you accept?"
410
00:22:38,618 --> 00:22:42,058
"Do I accept? I'm
a bust Tyrone's shit!
411
00:22:42,099 --> 00:22:44,059
"As a matter of fact, you
the same fucking operator
412
00:22:44,101 --> 00:22:46,711
"that's been
calling my house and breathing heavy.
413
00:22:46,756 --> 00:22:49,666
"I'm a bust your shit
and Tyrone's shit."
414
00:22:49,716 --> 00:22:51,326
Son of a bitch.
415
00:22:53,197 --> 00:22:55,367
Let me ask you a question.
416
00:22:55,417 --> 00:22:57,807
Is it me or is Baywatch
the most dangerous fucking beach in the world?
417
00:22:58,942 --> 00:23:00,942
What the fuck is going on?
418
00:23:00,988 --> 00:23:02,558
They had a TV movie
on the other day.
419
00:23:02,598 --> 00:23:04,378
I stopped watching
TV after this.
420
00:23:04,426 --> 00:23:05,986
TV movie called
I Woke Up Pregnant.
421
00:23:06,036 --> 00:23:08,076
Did anybody see this shit?
422
00:23:08,125 --> 00:23:11,255
It's a true story.
Lady went to the dentist and got an operation.
423
00:23:11,302 --> 00:23:15,442
And the dentist put her
to sleep then he fucked the shit out of her.
424
00:23:15,481 --> 00:23:17,791
True story. She didn't
even know shit.
425
00:23:17,831 --> 00:23:19,831
She woke up.
She went home. She didn't notice nothing
426
00:23:19,876 --> 00:23:21,836
until six months later
she pregnant.
427
00:23:21,878 --> 00:23:24,448
Then she realized
something happened. That's some bullshit.
428
00:23:24,490 --> 00:23:26,620
How many ladies here,
429
00:23:26,666 --> 00:23:28,096
if something happened to you
like that, you would notice right away?
430
00:23:28,145 --> 00:23:30,575
At least you would have
woke up and be like,
431
00:23:30,626 --> 00:23:34,536
"Damn, my teeth feel good,
but my pussy is killing me."
432
00:23:34,587 --> 00:23:36,147
Shit!
433
00:23:36,197 --> 00:23:39,107
Son of a bitch! What type
of operation was this?
434
00:23:39,156 --> 00:23:41,326
A coochie canal?
God damn!
435
00:23:42,508 --> 00:23:44,158
Any cops here? Fuck you.
436
00:23:44,205 --> 00:23:47,115
I drove up here without
a license. Come get me. Shit.
437
00:23:49,471 --> 00:23:51,471
I go everywhere without
a fucking license.
438
00:23:51,517 --> 00:23:53,647
They have you down in
motor vehicles waiting hours in line.
439
00:23:53,693 --> 00:23:55,653
Am I bullshitting?
440
00:23:55,695 --> 00:23:57,085
And you get to the window,
the lady got a attitude with you.
441
00:23:57,131 --> 00:23:59,051
You get to the window,
442
00:23:59,089 --> 00:24:00,959
"Tsk, tsk. I need
three forms of ID to know if it's you."
443
00:24:01,004 --> 00:24:03,624
"Bitch, it's me!
444
00:24:03,659 --> 00:24:07,579
"You know someone that's
gonna come here and wait three hours for me?
445
00:24:07,620 --> 00:24:09,800
"That's me, motherfucker.
That's my proof."
446
00:24:09,839 --> 00:24:11,839
Then you go to
take the picture.
447
00:24:11,885 --> 00:24:14,095
It's the worst fucking
picture in the world. Am I bullshitting?
448
00:24:14,148 --> 00:24:16,408
You go to take the picture,
you say, "Yo, I'm here to take the picture."
449
00:24:16,455 --> 00:24:18,015
Dude's like, "Step on
the line right here."
450
00:24:18,065 --> 00:24:20,455
"Oh, yeah. Right here?"
Click, click. "What the fuck?
451
00:24:22,112 --> 00:24:24,552
"You took this shit already?
You son of a bitch!
452
00:24:24,593 --> 00:24:27,643
"I'm a bust your shit,
the bitch behind the counter,
453
00:24:27,683 --> 00:24:29,823
"Tyrone, the phone operator,
454
00:24:29,859 --> 00:24:31,509
"and this motherfucker
in the purple,
455
00:24:31,557 --> 00:24:33,517
"and this nigga with the
Jheri Curl right here!"
456
00:24:33,559 --> 00:24:34,909
Big up! Respect!
457
00:24:34,951 --> 00:24:37,611
My big up, respect,
my friends.
458
00:24:37,650 --> 00:24:40,040
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]
459
00:24:45,919 --> 00:24:48,179
Yes. Y'all having
a good time?
460
00:24:48,225 --> 00:24:49,485
AUDIENCE: Yeah.
461
00:24:49,531 --> 00:24:51,581
Well, that's the show
for tonight.
462
00:24:51,620 --> 00:24:56,060
Once again, as always,
I gotta bring up the main man in the house.
463
00:24:56,103 --> 00:24:58,893
All right. Y'all give
it up for Russell Simmons!
464
00:24:58,932 --> 00:25:00,542
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
465
00:25:00,586 --> 00:25:02,276
Thank you for coming out.
God bless you. Good night.
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[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING][HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]
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