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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:06,919 --> 00:00:10,099 KID CAPRI: It's the Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam. 2 00:00:10,140 --> 00:00:12,190 [THEME MUSIC PLAYING] 3 00:00:14,971 --> 00:00:19,891 I am your man, the world's greatest DJ, the Kid Capri. 4 00:00:19,932 --> 00:00:21,152 With your host... 5 00:00:24,111 --> 00:00:25,461 Tonight's guests... 6 00:00:35,339 --> 00:00:39,909 Welcome to the stage, my main man, Mr. Mark Curry! 7 00:00:41,171 --> 00:00:43,171 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 8 00:01:58,640 --> 00:02:00,380 [WHOOPING AND CHEERING] 9 00:02:12,958 --> 00:02:14,178 God damn! 10 00:02:14,786 --> 00:02:16,396 Whoo! 11 00:02:16,440 --> 00:02:20,440 That's what you call some ass! 12 00:02:20,488 --> 00:02:22,658 Goddamn, girl! How you doing? 13 00:02:22,707 --> 00:02:24,577 Looking like FloJo, 10 years later. 14 00:02:26,668 --> 00:02:28,408 Look at all that ass! 15 00:02:29,018 --> 00:02:30,888 Goddamn! 16 00:02:30,933 --> 00:02:34,113 I almost broke the pelvic bone. 17 00:02:34,154 --> 00:02:37,814 'Cause then I... See, that's... That's why we lost the Olympics. 18 00:02:37,853 --> 00:02:40,423 Too much ass. Remember Dominique Dawes? 19 00:02:40,464 --> 00:02:42,604 Little black girl, the little gymnast? 20 00:02:42,640 --> 00:02:45,120 You know, she did perfect when she was doing all that... 21 00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:48,385 What happened, was as soon as she hit the ass, messed her up. 22 00:02:48,429 --> 00:02:49,909 Remember that? She did her thing... 23 00:02:52,694 --> 00:02:55,574 Too much ass. Chinese girls, no ass. They just end it. 24 00:03:01,006 --> 00:03:02,396 That shit happened to Debbie Thomas too. 25 00:03:02,443 --> 00:03:04,183 Remember Debbie Thomas? 26 00:03:04,227 --> 00:03:06,447 Ice skater, all that ass? Remember that? 27 00:03:06,490 --> 00:03:09,060 She was doing well when she was skating forward. 28 00:03:09,101 --> 00:03:11,671 As soon as that ass... She turned around, her ass lost control. 29 00:03:13,410 --> 00:03:15,800 All into the judges. Three judges gave her a 10. 30 00:03:15,847 --> 00:03:18,197 "Jesus. Is she coming back?" 31 00:03:21,853 --> 00:03:23,773 Kid Capri, how you doing, baby? 32 00:03:23,812 --> 00:03:25,472 Yeah.There you go. 33 00:03:30,035 --> 00:03:31,725 There's some people up front. 34 00:03:31,776 --> 00:03:33,516 How you doing? Let's give it up for Cab Calloway in the house. 35 00:03:35,476 --> 00:03:37,776 Thank you, sir. Hidey-hidey ho. Thank you. 36 00:03:40,045 --> 00:03:42,605 A lot of brothers thought you was dead. 37 00:03:42,657 --> 00:03:45,267 You got... Is that a light blue suit? 38 00:03:45,312 --> 00:03:48,582 That's a... That's a nice suit you got on, brother. [LAUGHS] 39 00:03:48,619 --> 00:03:52,059 You like one of Teddy... Like Teddy Pendergrass on his first album. 40 00:03:52,101 --> 00:03:54,321 That's a nice suit. You take that old suit to the cleaner, they like, 41 00:03:54,364 --> 00:03:57,194 "You too old! You take away! 42 00:03:57,237 --> 00:03:58,757 "You only come in here with old clothes. 43 00:03:58,803 --> 00:04:00,283 "Who are you, old pimp or something? 44 00:04:01,328 --> 00:04:03,328 "You take away. 45 00:04:03,373 --> 00:04:05,203 "Last time your wife came in with fur coat, you fuck up machine." 46 00:04:06,942 --> 00:04:09,032 That's right. I'm taking a look. I'm taking a look. 47 00:04:09,074 --> 00:04:12,034 Def Comedy Jam. And we bold to do this shit in Beverly Hills. 48 00:04:13,688 --> 00:04:15,688 "Why all these black people in line?" 49 00:04:15,733 --> 00:04:17,083 White people didn't know what it was. 50 00:04:17,126 --> 00:04:18,866 "Is the Million Man March this early?" 51 00:04:18,910 --> 00:04:20,520 [AUDIENCE APPLAUDING] 52 00:04:24,873 --> 00:04:27,183 "No, it's Def Comedy Jam." 53 00:04:27,223 --> 00:04:29,573 "Doing something for the deaf people for Christmas. Great. 54 00:04:31,445 --> 00:04:32,915 "That Russell Simmons." 55 00:04:35,884 --> 00:04:38,374 Give it up for Marion Barry. [LAUGHS] 56 00:04:38,408 --> 00:04:39,708 Got re-elected. 57 00:04:43,152 --> 00:04:44,812 I had to say that. 58 00:04:44,849 --> 00:04:47,719 He was on crack and got re-elected. Damn. 59 00:04:47,765 --> 00:04:49,935 Black people, we can do anything we want. 60 00:04:49,985 --> 00:04:53,415 He was on crack. There must be a lot of crack addicts in D.C. 61 00:04:53,467 --> 00:04:55,597 On voting day, they was voting all in line. 62 00:05:03,346 --> 00:05:05,826 He was hitting the pipe in the office. [INHALING] 63 00:05:05,870 --> 00:05:08,350 You know he was making hella laws. 64 00:05:08,395 --> 00:05:10,005 "No more red lights in the city." 65 00:05:12,442 --> 00:05:14,142 You know how he got caught? You know how he got caught? 66 00:05:14,183 --> 00:05:16,583 He was trying to sell parts of the city. 67 00:05:16,620 --> 00:05:18,450 You know, he went to the dope man and didn't have no money? 68 00:05:19,536 --> 00:05:21,186 "Man, like, check it out. 69 00:05:21,233 --> 00:05:22,843 "You wanna buy the Lincoln Memorial? 70 00:05:26,021 --> 00:05:27,981 "What about the Jefferson Memorial? 71 00:05:28,023 --> 00:05:31,373 "What about the Statue of Liberty? Oh, that's New York. Damn." 72 00:05:31,418 --> 00:05:33,118 Drugs taking this motherfucker over, ain't it? 73 00:05:33,158 --> 00:05:34,858 Especially L.A. 74 00:05:34,899 --> 00:05:36,989 Robert Downey, Jr. found buck naked in somebody else's house. 75 00:05:37,859 --> 00:05:39,509 Let that been a black man. 76 00:05:39,556 --> 00:05:41,296 There would have been no three-strike rule. 77 00:05:41,341 --> 00:05:43,431 We'd have went straight to prison. 78 00:05:43,473 --> 00:05:46,483 I wish he would have found... Really, think about that. 79 00:05:46,520 --> 00:05:48,300 This is a message for the young kids out there. 80 00:05:48,348 --> 00:05:50,518 Don't go to prison. Don't even think about going to jail. 81 00:05:50,567 --> 00:05:53,217 It ain't cool. I wanna say that from Def Comedy Jam,from me to you. 82 00:05:56,312 --> 00:05:58,102 It ain't even cool. 83 00:05:58,140 --> 00:06:00,010 'Cause they treat us wrong. 84 00:06:00,055 --> 00:06:01,615 We don't get fairness. We don't. 85 00:06:01,665 --> 00:06:04,755 Remember Jeffrey Dahmer ate 18 people? Remember... 86 00:06:04,799 --> 00:06:07,369 Remember back... Ate 18 people. Ate 'em. 87 00:06:07,410 --> 00:06:10,240 Went to court, didn't have not one handcuff on his ass. 88 00:06:10,282 --> 00:06:12,332 Remember that? He walked in, was signing autographs? 89 00:06:12,372 --> 00:06:13,632 [BARKS AND LAUGHS] 90 00:06:13,677 --> 00:06:15,107 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 91 00:06:17,333 --> 00:06:19,123 I seen brothers with parking tickets 92 00:06:19,161 --> 00:06:21,641 walk in shackled like Kunta Kinte. 93 00:06:21,685 --> 00:06:23,335 They got to hop the fuck in. 94 00:06:25,863 --> 00:06:28,693 "How do you plead?" "Does it make a difference how I plead? Shit." 95 00:06:32,479 --> 00:06:35,789 That's right. We showcasing young comedians from all over the world. 96 00:06:35,830 --> 00:06:37,530 This next comedian, let's give it up. Let's give it up. 97 00:06:37,571 --> 00:06:39,661 Let's start the round of applause now. 98 00:06:39,703 --> 00:06:41,753 Let's give it up. Keep it going. Keep it pumping. Keep it pumping. 99 00:06:41,792 --> 00:06:44,622 That's right. Ladies and gentlemen, from Oakland, California, 100 00:06:44,665 --> 00:06:48,445 the yeah yeah-rea, let's give it up for my homeboy, Dugar! 101 00:06:48,495 --> 00:06:50,495 [AUDIENCE APPLAUDING] 102 00:06:57,199 --> 00:07:00,119 Def Jam,if you in the house, make some noise! 103 00:07:00,158 --> 00:07:01,768 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 104 00:07:01,812 --> 00:07:03,862 Westside! 105 00:07:03,901 --> 00:07:06,301 Yeah! 106 00:07:06,338 --> 00:07:08,298 Let me ask y'all something, man. 107 00:07:08,340 --> 00:07:13,080 How many times have you gone to the ATM machine to get $20, 108 00:07:13,128 --> 00:07:15,998 and you know you got $20 in there, 109 00:07:16,044 --> 00:07:18,534 and you push the buttons... [MIMICS BEEPING] 110 00:07:18,568 --> 00:07:22,698 And it spits out that you only got $18.56? 111 00:07:22,746 --> 00:07:24,486 You mad as hell. 112 00:07:24,531 --> 00:07:26,711 People behind you, "Hey, buddy, can you hurry up?" 113 00:07:26,750 --> 00:07:29,710 Ah, shit. And your stupid ass pushed the buttons again? 114 00:07:29,753 --> 00:07:33,323 Wouldn't that be a trip if the ATM machines could talk? 115 00:07:33,365 --> 00:07:37,585 It'll be a little different in the hood than it'll be in Beverly Hills. 116 00:07:37,631 --> 00:07:40,461 Bob in Beverly Hills walks up to the ATM machine. 117 00:07:43,680 --> 00:07:45,330 [MIMICS BEEPING] 118 00:07:45,377 --> 00:07:47,247 "Hey, ATM, how you doing?" "Hey, Bob, how you doing?" 119 00:07:47,292 --> 00:07:49,212 "ATM, I need $20." 120 00:07:49,251 --> 00:07:52,081 "Sorry, Bob, you only have $12.37." 121 00:07:52,123 --> 00:07:54,083 "Darn! Gosh!" "But, Bob, calm down. 122 00:07:54,125 --> 00:07:55,645 "We'll work with you." 123 00:07:59,348 --> 00:08:02,918 Ray-Ray in the hood walks up to the ATM machine. 124 00:08:08,052 --> 00:08:09,362 [MIMICS BEEPING] 125 00:08:09,401 --> 00:08:13,411 "Wassup, ATM?" "Wassup, Ray-Ray?" 126 00:08:14,972 --> 00:08:17,542 "Yo, ATM, I need $20." 127 00:08:17,584 --> 00:08:21,114 "Pfft! Nigga, you tripping. 128 00:08:21,152 --> 00:08:24,242 "You don't even have an account. Get yo' ass out of here!" 129 00:08:25,635 --> 00:08:28,935 "That's fucked up, ATM." 130 00:08:28,986 --> 00:08:33,116 Shit. I was in Chinatown and I seen some Asian folks doing this 131 00:08:33,164 --> 00:08:35,914 self-defense exercise called Tai Chi. 132 00:08:35,950 --> 00:08:38,430 Y'all have seen it, right? Slow motion, they be into it. 133 00:08:47,091 --> 00:08:49,621 I was like, "Damn, that's some cool shit." 134 00:08:49,659 --> 00:08:54,189 I roll to the hood, I seen some black folks doing ghetto Tai Chi. 135 00:08:54,229 --> 00:08:56,449 This sister was really into it. She was like... 136 00:08:59,756 --> 00:09:01,016 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 137 00:09:15,119 --> 00:09:17,859 [AUDIENCE APPLAUDING][INAUDIBLE] 138 00:09:44,061 --> 00:09:47,201 I was like, "Damn!" 139 00:09:47,238 --> 00:09:48,848 I used to watch a lot of TV, man. 140 00:09:48,892 --> 00:09:50,552 I used to watch James Bond a lot. 141 00:09:50,590 --> 00:09:54,860 And Sean Connery was the best James Bond. 142 00:09:54,898 --> 00:09:58,028 And you know how Bond would come out there in his tuxedo, right? 143 00:09:58,075 --> 00:09:59,595 And he'll walk to the screen? 144 00:10:00,730 --> 00:10:02,650 [MIMICS GUN FIRING] 145 00:10:02,689 --> 00:10:05,259 "Bond. James Bond. 146 00:10:06,127 --> 00:10:07,737 "007." 147 00:10:07,781 --> 00:10:10,481 And we know what he drank. A vodka martini, right? 148 00:10:10,522 --> 00:10:12,702 "Shaken, not stirred." 149 00:10:12,742 --> 00:10:14,482 Now, being a little brother growing up in the hood, 150 00:10:14,526 --> 00:10:16,656 my brothers and I used to play James Bond. 151 00:10:16,703 --> 00:10:19,103 And I was James Bond. I walk out there... 152 00:10:21,751 --> 00:10:23,931 [MIMICING RAPID GUNFIRE] 153 00:10:23,971 --> 00:10:26,101 'Cause you know a brother gonna have an Uzi, right? 154 00:10:27,757 --> 00:10:31,717 "Bond! Pookie DeAndre Bond! 155 00:10:33,023 --> 00:10:35,943 "Nigga, you know, 007-Eleven! 156 00:10:37,114 --> 00:10:38,684 "You know what I drink! Kool-Aid! 157 00:10:38,725 --> 00:10:40,285 "Red, hella sugar, no ice!" 158 00:10:45,688 --> 00:10:49,688 Now see, when things like that happen, we need a black superhero. 159 00:10:49,736 --> 00:10:51,126 From the ghetto. 160 00:10:51,172 --> 00:10:53,612 Somebody who gonna understand our problems. 161 00:10:53,653 --> 00:10:55,093 He ain't gonna have a big "S" on his chest 162 00:10:55,132 --> 00:10:57,352 and a day job like Superman. Hell, no. 163 00:10:57,395 --> 00:11:00,355 He gonna have initials we can identify with, from the hood. 164 00:11:00,398 --> 00:11:02,138 "M.N." 165 00:11:02,183 --> 00:11:06,543 And it stands for something we say every day. "My Nigga." 166 00:11:06,578 --> 00:11:09,278 And if you need that black superhero, all you gotta do is call him. 167 00:11:09,320 --> 00:11:12,150 So, if you're down on your luck, and you need that black superhero, 168 00:11:12,193 --> 00:11:13,463 who you gonna call? 169 00:11:13,498 --> 00:11:15,198 AUDIENCE: My Nigga! 170 00:11:15,239 --> 00:11:17,149 See My Nigga flying in the air. [IMITATES FLYING] 171 00:11:17,198 --> 00:11:18,718 "Yeah, this shit is kind of cool. 172 00:11:18,765 --> 00:11:21,285 "Nigga flying over Compton." [IMITATES FLYING] 173 00:11:21,332 --> 00:11:24,382 Somebody calling his name, "My Nigga! My Nigga! 174 00:11:24,422 --> 00:11:26,692 "Help! They whooping my ass!" 175 00:11:26,729 --> 00:11:28,729 My Nigga looked down. He noticed a group of people whooping somebody's ass. 176 00:11:28,775 --> 00:11:31,465 My Nigga swooped down to take a closer look. [IMITATES FLYING] 177 00:11:31,516 --> 00:11:33,336 As My Nigga get closer, 178 00:11:33,388 --> 00:11:35,348 he noticed the LAPD is whooping a young brother's ass. 179 00:11:35,390 --> 00:11:38,790 My Nigga swooped back up. [IMITATES FLYING] 180 00:11:38,828 --> 00:11:41,348 Young brother say, "My Nigga, save me! Where you going?" 181 00:11:41,396 --> 00:11:45,266 "Hey, nigga got warrants." 182 00:11:45,313 --> 00:11:47,363 And that's my time. I'm Dugar. Peace! 183 00:11:47,402 --> 00:11:49,402 [AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING] 184 00:11:59,806 --> 00:12:02,366 Dugar! Damn! Whatcha lose? 185 00:12:02,417 --> 00:12:04,027 Look at her. Looking for that crack. 186 00:12:05,289 --> 00:12:06,549 Caught your ass, huh? 187 00:12:07,814 --> 00:12:09,424 Everything in it. 188 00:12:09,467 --> 00:12:10,897 Somebody took bag with all your money in it and stuff? 189 00:12:10,947 --> 00:12:13,037 Yeah. It was, like, right here. 190 00:12:13,080 --> 00:12:15,080 Really? It was... Look at the white dude. "It's right here. Shit." 191 00:12:15,125 --> 00:12:17,125 Look, that's not your bag. There's some shit going on in here. 192 00:12:17,171 --> 00:12:19,521 Wait a minute. Look... Look at the brother with the orange on. 193 00:12:19,564 --> 00:12:21,224 [MUTTERS] How you doing? 194 00:12:21,262 --> 00:12:23,132 Love you on the side of the freeway. All right. 195 00:12:24,787 --> 00:12:28,097 Look, damn! But look at her bag. Shit. 196 00:12:28,138 --> 00:12:29,788 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 197 00:12:37,887 --> 00:12:40,887 She like... Like we doing RootsPart 4. 198 00:12:47,462 --> 00:12:49,942 "I ain't seen nothing. No, I ain't... Nothing. 199 00:12:49,986 --> 00:12:51,766 "I'm going up north, that's all." 200 00:12:52,772 --> 00:12:54,862 Goddamn! 201 00:12:54,904 --> 00:12:57,344 Most people got Louis Vuitton and you know, Gucci. You just got a... 202 00:12:59,822 --> 00:13:01,132 Hughes Market. 203 00:13:02,956 --> 00:13:04,776 That's right, Hughes Market. 204 00:13:04,827 --> 00:13:06,567 When you've finished shopping, make a purse out of it. 205 00:13:15,403 --> 00:13:16,843 Or a backpack. 206 00:13:18,928 --> 00:13:20,888 The slavery look is in. 207 00:13:23,193 --> 00:13:25,983 There you go. What... Can I look at... What you got in this motherfucker? 208 00:13:27,807 --> 00:13:29,287 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING] 209 00:13:31,332 --> 00:13:33,162 The... Hey! Look. 210 00:13:33,203 --> 00:13:35,473 Hey, look, you got kicked out of TLC, huh? 211 00:13:36,293 --> 00:13:38,303 [LAUGHS] 212 00:13:38,339 --> 00:13:40,599 Look at that. Whatcha doing, a Sprite commercial or some shit? 213 00:13:40,645 --> 00:13:42,865 Hey, whatcha got... We gonna get you a bag. 214 00:13:42,909 --> 00:13:47,259 Uh, Russell Simmons, can we get some money together for this young lady? 215 00:13:47,304 --> 00:13:49,314 I didn't... I didn't mean... Oh, I didn't mean to tear your bag. 216 00:13:49,350 --> 00:13:51,920 She mad. "Why you tear my bag? 217 00:13:51,961 --> 00:13:54,181 "They don't be letting you on the bus with no tore bag." 218 00:14:01,884 --> 00:14:04,634 Ladies and gentlemen! 219 00:14:04,669 --> 00:14:08,109 Coming all the way from Atlanta, Georgia, 220 00:14:08,151 --> 00:14:12,981 won't you please welcome Tyler in the house! 221 00:14:13,026 --> 00:14:14,846 Kick it up! Kick it up! Kick it up! 222 00:14:14,897 --> 00:14:16,767 [MUSIC PLAYING] 223 00:14:16,812 --> 00:14:18,342 [AUDIENCE APPLAUDING] 224 00:14:29,607 --> 00:14:30,867 [MUSIC STOPS] 225 00:14:45,885 --> 00:14:47,575 What the hell is going on? 226 00:14:49,889 --> 00:14:51,109 Y'all all right? 227 00:14:51,151 --> 00:14:52,721 AUDIENCE: Yeah! 228 00:14:52,761 --> 00:14:54,631 I ain't hear but three of y'all. Y'all all right? 229 00:14:54,676 --> 00:14:56,716 AUDIENCE: Yeah! 230 00:14:56,765 --> 00:14:59,245 I guess I ain't gotta tell ya, I feel better than y'all there do. 231 00:14:59,289 --> 00:15:00,989 [LAUGHS] 232 00:15:01,030 --> 00:15:03,160 I mean, I'm so fucked up... 233 00:15:03,206 --> 00:15:04,856 You ever been so fucked you feel like you had to hold onto the grass 234 00:15:04,904 --> 00:15:07,084 to keep from falling off the earth? [LAUGHS] 235 00:15:09,212 --> 00:15:12,962 Dead-ass fucked up. Believe that. 236 00:15:12,999 --> 00:15:17,529 Shit. Hey, let me tell y'all something. 237 00:15:17,568 --> 00:15:20,218 This comedy shit ain't all it's cooped up to be. 238 00:15:22,660 --> 00:15:25,230 You know they supposed to hire you for jobs and shit, right? 239 00:15:25,272 --> 00:15:27,362 They fly you down and treat you like a star. 240 00:15:27,404 --> 00:15:29,154 They treated me like a star. 241 00:15:29,189 --> 00:15:31,709 You know them stars you get on your eyes and shit? 242 00:15:31,756 --> 00:15:33,576 Hurt real... Man, fucked me up. 243 00:15:33,628 --> 00:15:35,588 Now, I ain't mind what they do, 244 00:15:35,630 --> 00:15:37,980 but they flew me down there, got me a little room. 245 00:15:38,024 --> 00:15:41,684 They had me staying at the fucking Dew Drop Inn. 246 00:15:41,723 --> 00:15:43,293 It was all right. I opened the door, 247 00:15:43,333 --> 00:15:45,253 they had bunk beds in that motherfucker. 248 00:15:45,292 --> 00:15:46,902 [LAUGHS] 249 00:15:46,946 --> 00:15:49,246 They had the television with the pliers already on it. 250 00:15:51,472 --> 00:15:55,482 Didn't have shit but two channels, preview and the parking lot. 251 00:15:55,519 --> 00:15:57,699 We watching the same shit security watching. 252 00:15:57,739 --> 00:15:59,739 [LAUGHS] 253 00:15:59,784 --> 00:16:01,054 "Hey, nigga, that's my car they stealing. Look at that shit." 254 00:16:04,746 --> 00:16:05,966 Joke number one. 255 00:16:14,756 --> 00:16:16,796 It was... It was a nun, right? 256 00:16:16,845 --> 00:16:18,975 She called a cab to the other side of town. 257 00:16:21,458 --> 00:16:23,588 Got in the cab. The cab driver was driving. 258 00:16:23,634 --> 00:16:25,644 He was looking at her and he said, 259 00:16:25,680 --> 00:16:28,770 "Hey, I wanna ask you something, but I don't wanna offend you." 260 00:16:28,813 --> 00:16:30,123 And she said, 261 00:16:30,163 --> 00:16:32,343 "Well, you can ask me anything. 262 00:16:32,382 --> 00:16:34,992 "As long as I've been living, I don't think anything could offend me." 263 00:16:35,037 --> 00:16:36,867 He said, "Well, you know, 264 00:16:36,908 --> 00:16:40,298 "I always had a fantasy of a nun giving me a blow job." 265 00:16:40,347 --> 00:16:43,047 She said, "Well, that can happen. Two things first." 266 00:16:43,089 --> 00:16:46,479 He said, "What?" She said, "You're Catholic and you're single." 267 00:16:46,527 --> 00:16:48,617 He said, "I'm both." 268 00:16:48,659 --> 00:16:52,189 They pulled in the alley. She did her thing, he did his thing. 269 00:16:52,228 --> 00:16:53,748 Drove back off. 270 00:16:53,795 --> 00:16:56,095 Cab driver look into the mirror and start crying, 271 00:16:56,145 --> 00:16:59,625 [SOBS] "Shit. Oh, Lord, have mercy." 272 00:16:59,670 --> 00:17:02,020 She said, "What's wrong with you? I just granted your greatest wish." 273 00:17:02,064 --> 00:17:04,504 He said, "I lied to you." 274 00:17:04,545 --> 00:17:05,885 She said, "Well, what is it?" 275 00:17:05,937 --> 00:17:08,847 He said, "I'm Jewish and I'm married." 276 00:17:08,897 --> 00:17:10,457 She said, "Well, that's all right. 277 00:17:10,507 --> 00:17:12,547 "My name's Scott and I'm going to a costume ball." 278 00:17:23,042 --> 00:17:25,482 Now, the moral of the story is... [LAUGHS] 279 00:17:25,522 --> 00:17:28,222 What look good to ya ain't always good for ya. 280 00:17:32,964 --> 00:17:36,494 Hey, y'all, I appreciate y'all having me. I'm Tyler. Y'all be easy. Peace! 281 00:17:36,533 --> 00:17:38,063 [AUDIENCE APPLAUDING] 282 00:17:52,071 --> 00:17:54,601 Rocking it! That's right, baby! 283 00:17:54,638 --> 00:17:57,158 How you feeling? How you living? 284 00:17:57,206 --> 00:17:59,206 There we go. There we go. 285 00:17:59,252 --> 00:18:02,522 All right. There you go. Oh, we got something for you. Um... 286 00:18:02,559 --> 00:18:05,739 You know, we... We here at Def Jam and Curry Productions, 287 00:18:05,780 --> 00:18:10,610 you know, sometimes we feel sorry for people and you know, 288 00:18:10,654 --> 00:18:12,134 we just wanna go out to the world and say that 289 00:18:12,178 --> 00:18:14,178 Def Jamis just not about comedy, 290 00:18:14,223 --> 00:18:16,363 Kid Capri is not about music. 291 00:18:16,399 --> 00:18:18,449 It's... You know, it's about black people 292 00:18:18,488 --> 00:18:20,008 getting together, helping other black people. 293 00:18:20,055 --> 00:18:22,055 That's what it's about. You know, really. 294 00:18:22,101 --> 00:18:23,891 And that's what we should do. 295 00:18:23,928 --> 00:18:26,148 And so, 296 00:18:26,192 --> 00:18:29,202 since you didn't have a purse, we got you one. 297 00:18:30,196 --> 00:18:31,626 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 298 00:18:36,811 --> 00:18:38,331 We got you a Coach bag. 299 00:18:42,251 --> 00:18:44,251 We are the world. 300 00:18:44,297 --> 00:18:45,947 But not only did we get you a Coach bag, 301 00:18:45,994 --> 00:18:48,484 we got you a little coin purse to go with it. 302 00:18:48,518 --> 00:18:50,038 [AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS] 303 00:18:54,437 --> 00:18:57,877 DKY. You gotta get your own man. 304 00:18:57,919 --> 00:19:01,489 All right? So, from us to you, thank you very much. Good luck, girl. 305 00:19:01,531 --> 00:19:04,451 All right. 306 00:19:04,491 --> 00:19:06,451 Ladies and gentlemen, let's keep it going! Keep it going! 307 00:19:06,493 --> 00:19:08,233 Keep it going! 308 00:19:08,277 --> 00:19:12,587 From Brooklyn, New York, second appearance on Def Comedy Jam. 309 00:19:12,629 --> 00:19:15,719 Let's give it up for Mike B. in the house! 310 00:19:15,763 --> 00:19:17,033 Yeah, baby! 311 00:19:28,732 --> 00:19:29,822 Wassup? 312 00:19:29,864 --> 00:19:31,474 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 313 00:19:33,955 --> 00:19:37,735 I'm sick of all this shit, playa hater, all this bullshit. 314 00:19:37,785 --> 00:19:41,395 Brothers, I'm gonna drop the real on you right now whether you like it or not. 315 00:19:41,441 --> 00:19:43,661 The reason we get in a lot of trouble with females... 316 00:19:43,704 --> 00:19:46,144 I've been doing the research. 317 00:19:46,185 --> 00:19:48,095 You wanna know why? It's simple. 318 00:19:48,143 --> 00:19:49,493 'Cause we stupid. 319 00:19:51,886 --> 00:19:53,366 We don't know how to lie properly. 320 00:19:53,409 --> 00:19:56,239 Every nigga here think he's slick as shit. 321 00:19:56,282 --> 00:20:00,592 But females are a lot smarter and slicker than we'll ever fucking be. 322 00:20:00,634 --> 00:20:02,854 We do our shit... Let me... Let me... Let me explain. 323 00:20:02,897 --> 00:20:05,157 Let's... Let's define lying, first of all. 324 00:20:05,204 --> 00:20:09,644 The purpose of a lie is so the shit never comes back up again. 325 00:20:09,686 --> 00:20:12,116 Niggas, we lie for the moment. 326 00:20:12,167 --> 00:20:13,777 Watch, you wanna do dirt? 327 00:20:13,821 --> 00:20:15,481 You wanna do dirt? Watch how females do dirt. 328 00:20:15,518 --> 00:20:17,868 They have a meeting. 329 00:20:17,912 --> 00:20:20,832 They call all they girlfriends over to the house. 330 00:20:20,871 --> 00:20:22,661 They got a chalkboard with assignments 331 00:20:22,699 --> 00:20:24,959 where everybody's supposed to be. 332 00:20:25,006 --> 00:20:26,826 They got walkie-talkies and hand signals 333 00:20:26,877 --> 00:20:29,317 and all kinds of shit just in case you get smart. 334 00:20:29,358 --> 00:20:30,968 Not us. What we do? 335 00:20:31,012 --> 00:20:32,672 We go ahead and do the dirt, 336 00:20:32,709 --> 00:20:35,319 and then hope the shit fall into place as we go along. 337 00:20:35,364 --> 00:20:37,244 Then we get mad at niggas that we put in the lie 338 00:20:37,279 --> 00:20:39,239 but we didn't tell them what they was supposed to say. 339 00:20:40,543 --> 00:20:42,283 My man gonna call me. He's like, 340 00:20:42,328 --> 00:20:43,498 "Yo, Mike. Yo, Mike. Did Carol call your house?" 341 00:20:43,546 --> 00:20:44,806 I was like, "Yeah, she sure did." 342 00:20:44,852 --> 00:20:46,682 "Oh, shit. Yo, what you told her?" 343 00:20:46,723 --> 00:20:50,033 "That you wasn't here." "Oh, shit! Nigga, damn! 344 00:20:50,074 --> 00:20:52,564 "What the fuck you told her that for?" 345 00:20:52,599 --> 00:20:55,649 "Nigga, 'cause you didn't tell me what I was supposed to say. I ain't psychic." 346 00:20:57,038 --> 00:20:58,208 Shit, we get in too much trouble. 347 00:20:58,257 --> 00:20:59,737 Basic shit get us in trouble. 348 00:20:59,780 --> 00:21:01,430 A lot of brothers done got caught 349 00:21:01,477 --> 00:21:03,997 looking at another female when you was with your girl. 350 00:21:04,045 --> 00:21:05,525 We all done been through it. 351 00:21:05,568 --> 00:21:07,178 'Cause we think we slick. 352 00:21:07,222 --> 00:21:09,142 Let me break it down for you, bro. 353 00:21:09,180 --> 00:21:10,920 Your girl is here. 354 00:21:10,965 --> 00:21:14,395 You trying to peep this other honey coming your way. 355 00:21:14,447 --> 00:21:18,487 See, we see the sister coming when she, like, 30 feet away. 356 00:21:18,538 --> 00:21:20,928 Your girl seen her when she was 30 blocks away. 357 00:21:23,412 --> 00:21:26,682 She see the big titties. She know what you like. 358 00:21:26,720 --> 00:21:29,590 And see, to themselves, they sitting there, saying, 359 00:21:29,636 --> 00:21:32,506 "I wanna see if his punk ass 360 00:21:32,552 --> 00:21:35,292 "gonna try to look at this bitch while I'm standing right here. 361 00:21:36,947 --> 00:21:39,597 "I wanna see." 362 00:21:39,646 --> 00:21:42,426 And we don't even know she already peeped your steelo. 363 00:21:42,475 --> 00:21:46,645 We think everything is cool, so now we try to get her to look in this direction. 364 00:21:46,696 --> 00:21:50,266 We gotta keep her eye focused over here so we can get our peek on. 365 00:21:50,309 --> 00:21:52,349 We'd pick anything. Anything, it don't make a difference. 366 00:21:52,398 --> 00:21:54,308 "Right there, girl. Right there." 367 00:21:54,356 --> 00:21:56,706 "What?" "Right there. Right there. Right over there. Right there. 368 00:21:56,750 --> 00:21:59,800 "Yeah, Kevin, getting in the car, just like that. Right there. Right there. 369 00:21:59,840 --> 00:22:01,100 "Right there!" 370 00:22:05,541 --> 00:22:09,761 But the problem is as soon as you turn around, pow! She right in your face. 371 00:22:09,806 --> 00:22:11,456 "Well, go get her then." "What? Are you tripping? 372 00:22:11,504 --> 00:22:13,114 "I wasn't even looking at her." 373 00:22:13,157 --> 00:22:14,767 No, brothers, no. 374 00:22:14,811 --> 00:22:16,641 Watch how females do it. 375 00:22:16,683 --> 00:22:19,693 If they wanna look at another brother and you with them, 376 00:22:19,729 --> 00:22:21,989 they'll get you to look at the same nigga they wanna see. 377 00:22:32,176 --> 00:22:34,306 They include us in the bullshit. 378 00:22:34,353 --> 00:22:36,093 And we're stupid. 379 00:22:36,137 --> 00:22:38,617 See, in they mind they thinking, "Damn! 380 00:22:38,661 --> 00:22:40,621 "This nigga look good as hell." 381 00:22:40,663 --> 00:22:42,583 But to us they be like, "Boo, 382 00:22:42,622 --> 00:22:45,062 "don't that look like Chris that used to work at my job?" 383 00:22:45,102 --> 00:22:46,282 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 384 00:22:46,321 --> 00:22:47,631 "Don't that look like Chris?" 385 00:22:52,022 --> 00:22:53,502 And what our punk ass do? 386 00:22:54,895 --> 00:22:56,805 "That do look like Chris." 387 00:22:56,853 --> 00:22:59,203 Nigga, you never even met Chris! Shut the fuck up. 388 00:23:00,117 --> 00:23:01,377 Stupid. 389 00:23:04,034 --> 00:23:08,264 My man, the nigga of the year, R. Kelly. 390 00:23:08,299 --> 00:23:09,819 "You remind me of my Jeep." 391 00:23:12,042 --> 00:23:14,092 Now, I don't know about y'all, 392 00:23:14,131 --> 00:23:16,351 I'd rather be a bitch or a ho than a damn truck any fucking day. 393 00:23:16,395 --> 00:23:18,395 Y'all was just loving this damn song. 394 00:23:18,440 --> 00:23:20,270 Shit was silly. 395 00:23:20,311 --> 00:23:22,231 But I was sitting there one day. 396 00:23:22,270 --> 00:23:23,970 You gotta think about where another brother's coming from. 397 00:23:24,011 --> 00:23:26,191 Sisters, don't get mad, just hear a brother out. 398 00:23:26,230 --> 00:23:29,450 Some of y'all do remind us of Jeeps, in a way. 399 00:23:29,495 --> 00:23:31,495 You do. Now, hear me out first. 400 00:23:31,540 --> 00:23:33,890 See, if you've got yourself, like, a real big girl, 401 00:23:34,891 --> 00:23:36,461 that's like a Land Cruiser. 402 00:23:38,199 --> 00:23:40,239 You know what I'm saying? 403 00:23:40,288 --> 00:23:42,458 A lot of y'all brothers done had that itchy, burny feeling before 404 00:23:42,508 --> 00:23:45,288 and you had to run to the clinic? Fucking with them blazers. 405 00:23:45,336 --> 00:23:46,726 [AUDIENC LAUGHING] 406 00:23:48,688 --> 00:23:50,468 Some of y'all cheating. 407 00:23:50,516 --> 00:23:52,946 You got your main girl, then you got you a sidekick. 408 00:23:54,345 --> 00:23:55,955 But watch out, 'cause they'll flip on you. 409 00:24:03,572 --> 00:24:04,972 A lot of y'all brothers be running in the club 410 00:24:05,008 --> 00:24:06,658 with a little white girl on your arm. 411 00:24:06,706 --> 00:24:08,396 That's a Bronco. 412 00:24:08,447 --> 00:24:10,317 [AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING AND CHEERING] 413 00:24:12,755 --> 00:24:14,445 And y'all know about that shit. 414 00:24:16,455 --> 00:24:19,065 Some of y'all got that real long hair, and it's yours. 415 00:24:19,109 --> 00:24:20,589 People always challenging you. 416 00:24:20,633 --> 00:24:22,503 "That's your hair, girl? That's you?" 417 00:24:22,548 --> 00:24:24,108 "Yeah, it's me. 418 00:24:24,158 --> 00:24:26,808 "I got a little Indian in my family." 419 00:24:26,856 --> 00:24:29,286 That's a Cherokee. 420 00:24:29,337 --> 00:24:33,557 But if you don't suck no dick, that's the limited edition and I can't fuck with you. 421 00:24:33,602 --> 00:24:35,782 That's my time. My name is Mike B. I'm out. 422 00:24:35,822 --> 00:24:37,082 Peace and love. 423 00:24:43,786 --> 00:24:45,606 Yeah, baby! 424 00:24:45,658 --> 00:24:48,488 Before we do this, we brought you a little hat box too, baby. 425 00:24:50,358 --> 00:24:51,708 A little hat box. 426 00:24:51,751 --> 00:24:53,401 Ladies and gentlemen, let's bring it up 427 00:24:53,448 --> 00:24:57,498 for the man that made all this possible, Russell Simmons! 428 00:24:57,539 --> 00:24:59,149 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 429 00:24:59,193 --> 00:25:01,113 Thank you for coming out. God bless you. Good night. 430 00:25:01,151 --> 00:25:02,941 [MUSIC PLAYING] 431 00:25:02,979 --> 00:25:04,499 [AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING] 432 00:25:04,549 --> 00:25:09,099 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 34273

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