Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:06,919 --> 00:00:10,099
KID CAPRI: It's the
Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam.
2
00:00:10,140 --> 00:00:12,190
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
3
00:00:14,971 --> 00:00:19,891
I am your man, the world's
greatest DJ, the Kid Capri.
4
00:00:19,932 --> 00:00:21,152
With your host...
5
00:00:24,111 --> 00:00:25,461
Tonight's guests...
6
00:00:35,339 --> 00:00:39,909
Welcome to the stage,
my main man, Mr. Mark Curry!
7
00:00:41,171 --> 00:00:43,171
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
8
00:01:58,640 --> 00:02:00,380
[WHOOPING AND CHEERING]
9
00:02:12,958 --> 00:02:14,178
God damn!
10
00:02:14,786 --> 00:02:16,396
Whoo!
11
00:02:16,440 --> 00:02:20,440
That's what you
call some ass!
12
00:02:20,488 --> 00:02:22,658
Goddamn, girl!
How you doing?
13
00:02:22,707 --> 00:02:24,577
Looking like FloJo,
10 years later.
14
00:02:26,668 --> 00:02:28,408
Look at all that ass!
15
00:02:29,018 --> 00:02:30,888
Goddamn!
16
00:02:30,933 --> 00:02:34,113
I almost broke
the pelvic bone.
17
00:02:34,154 --> 00:02:37,814
'Cause then I... See,
that's... That's why we lost the Olympics.
18
00:02:37,853 --> 00:02:40,423
Too much ass. Remember
Dominique Dawes?
19
00:02:40,464 --> 00:02:42,604
Little black girl,
the little gymnast?
20
00:02:42,640 --> 00:02:45,120
You know, she did perfect
when she was doing all that...
21
00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:48,385
What happened, was
as soon as she hit the ass, messed her up.
22
00:02:48,429 --> 00:02:49,909
Remember that?
She did her thing...
23
00:02:52,694 --> 00:02:55,574
Too much ass. Chinese girls,
no ass. They just end it.
24
00:03:01,006 --> 00:03:02,396
That shit happened to
Debbie Thomas too.
25
00:03:02,443 --> 00:03:04,183
Remember Debbie Thomas?
26
00:03:04,227 --> 00:03:06,447
Ice skater, all that ass?
Remember that?
27
00:03:06,490 --> 00:03:09,060
She was doing well when
she was skating forward.
28
00:03:09,101 --> 00:03:11,671
As soon as that ass...
She turned around, her ass lost control.
29
00:03:13,410 --> 00:03:15,800
All into the judges.
Three judges gave her a 10.
30
00:03:15,847 --> 00:03:18,197
"Jesus. Is she
coming back?"
31
00:03:21,853 --> 00:03:23,773
Kid Capri, how
you doing, baby?
32
00:03:23,812 --> 00:03:25,472
Yeah.There you go.
33
00:03:30,035 --> 00:03:31,725
There's some
people up front.
34
00:03:31,776 --> 00:03:33,516
How you doing? Let's
give it up for Cab Calloway in the house.
35
00:03:35,476 --> 00:03:37,776
Thank you, sir.
Hidey-hidey ho. Thank you.
36
00:03:40,045 --> 00:03:42,605
A lot of brothers
thought you was dead.
37
00:03:42,657 --> 00:03:45,267
You got... Is that
a light blue suit?
38
00:03:45,312 --> 00:03:48,582
That's a... That's
a nice suit you got on, brother. [LAUGHS]
39
00:03:48,619 --> 00:03:52,059
You like one of Teddy...
Like Teddy Pendergrass on his first album.
40
00:03:52,101 --> 00:03:54,321
That's a nice suit.
You take that old suit to the cleaner, they like,
41
00:03:54,364 --> 00:03:57,194
"You too old!
You take away!
42
00:03:57,237 --> 00:03:58,757
"You only come in here
with old clothes.
43
00:03:58,803 --> 00:04:00,283
"Who are you, old
pimp or something?
44
00:04:01,328 --> 00:04:03,328
"You take away.
45
00:04:03,373 --> 00:04:05,203
"Last time your wife
came in with fur coat, you fuck up machine."
46
00:04:06,942 --> 00:04:09,032
That's right. I'm taking
a look. I'm taking a look.
47
00:04:09,074 --> 00:04:12,034
Def Comedy Jam.
And we bold to do this shit in Beverly Hills.
48
00:04:13,688 --> 00:04:15,688
"Why all these black
people in line?"
49
00:04:15,733 --> 00:04:17,083
White people didn't
know what it was.
50
00:04:17,126 --> 00:04:18,866
"Is the Million Man
March this early?"
51
00:04:18,910 --> 00:04:20,520
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
52
00:04:24,873 --> 00:04:27,183
"No, it's Def Comedy Jam."
53
00:04:27,223 --> 00:04:29,573
"Doing something for
the deaf people for Christmas. Great.
54
00:04:31,445 --> 00:04:32,915
"That Russell Simmons."
55
00:04:35,884 --> 00:04:38,374
Give it up for Marion Barry.
[LAUGHS]
56
00:04:38,408 --> 00:04:39,708
Got re-elected.
57
00:04:43,152 --> 00:04:44,812
I had to say that.
58
00:04:44,849 --> 00:04:47,719
He was on crack
and got re-elected. Damn.
59
00:04:47,765 --> 00:04:49,935
Black people, we can do
anything we want.
60
00:04:49,985 --> 00:04:53,415
He was on crack.
There must be a lot of crack addicts in D.C.
61
00:04:53,467 --> 00:04:55,597
On voting day, they was
voting all in line.
62
00:05:03,346 --> 00:05:05,826
He was hitting the pipe
in the office. [INHALING]
63
00:05:05,870 --> 00:05:08,350
You know he was
making hella laws.
64
00:05:08,395 --> 00:05:10,005
"No more red lights
in the city."
65
00:05:12,442 --> 00:05:14,142
You know how he got caught?
You know how he got caught?
66
00:05:14,183 --> 00:05:16,583
He was trying to sell
parts of the city.
67
00:05:16,620 --> 00:05:18,450
You know, he went to
the dope man and didn't have no money?
68
00:05:19,536 --> 00:05:21,186
"Man, like, check it out.
69
00:05:21,233 --> 00:05:22,843
"You wanna buy the
Lincoln Memorial?
70
00:05:26,021 --> 00:05:27,981
"What about
the Jefferson Memorial?
71
00:05:28,023 --> 00:05:31,373
"What about the Statue
of Liberty? Oh, that's New York. Damn."
72
00:05:31,418 --> 00:05:33,118
Drugs taking this
motherfucker over, ain't it?
73
00:05:33,158 --> 00:05:34,858
Especially L.A.
74
00:05:34,899 --> 00:05:36,989
Robert Downey, Jr.
found buck naked in somebody else's house.
75
00:05:37,859 --> 00:05:39,509
Let that been a black man.
76
00:05:39,556 --> 00:05:41,296
There would have been
no three-strike rule.
77
00:05:41,341 --> 00:05:43,431
We'd have went
straight to prison.
78
00:05:43,473 --> 00:05:46,483
I wish he would have found...
Really, think about that.
79
00:05:46,520 --> 00:05:48,300
This is a message for
the young kids out there.
80
00:05:48,348 --> 00:05:50,518
Don't go to prison.
Don't even think about going to jail.
81
00:05:50,567 --> 00:05:53,217
It ain't cool. I wanna
say that from Def Comedy Jam,from me to you.
82
00:05:56,312 --> 00:05:58,102
It ain't even cool.
83
00:05:58,140 --> 00:06:00,010
'Cause they
treat us wrong.
84
00:06:00,055 --> 00:06:01,615
We don't get fairness.
We don't.
85
00:06:01,665 --> 00:06:04,755
Remember Jeffrey Dahmer
ate 18 people? Remember...
86
00:06:04,799 --> 00:06:07,369
Remember back...
Ate 18 people. Ate 'em.
87
00:06:07,410 --> 00:06:10,240
Went to court, didn't
have not one handcuff on his ass.
88
00:06:10,282 --> 00:06:12,332
Remember that?
He walked in, was signing autographs?
89
00:06:12,372 --> 00:06:13,632
[BARKS AND LAUGHS]
90
00:06:13,677 --> 00:06:15,107
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
91
00:06:17,333 --> 00:06:19,123
I seen brothers
with parking tickets
92
00:06:19,161 --> 00:06:21,641
walk in shackled
like Kunta Kinte.
93
00:06:21,685 --> 00:06:23,335
They got to hop
the fuck in.
94
00:06:25,863 --> 00:06:28,693
"How do you plead?"
"Does it make a difference how I plead? Shit."
95
00:06:32,479 --> 00:06:35,789
That's right. We showcasing
young comedians from all over the world.
96
00:06:35,830 --> 00:06:37,530
This next comedian,
let's give it up. Let's give it up.
97
00:06:37,571 --> 00:06:39,661
Let's start the round
of applause now.
98
00:06:39,703 --> 00:06:41,753
Let's give it up. Keep it
going. Keep it pumping. Keep it pumping.
99
00:06:41,792 --> 00:06:44,622
That's right.
Ladies and gentlemen, from Oakland, California,
100
00:06:44,665 --> 00:06:48,445
the yeah yeah-rea,
let's give it up for my homeboy, Dugar!
101
00:06:48,495 --> 00:06:50,495
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
102
00:06:57,199 --> 00:07:00,119
Def Jam,if you in the house,
make some noise!
103
00:07:00,158 --> 00:07:01,768
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
104
00:07:01,812 --> 00:07:03,862
Westside!
105
00:07:03,901 --> 00:07:06,301
Yeah!
106
00:07:06,338 --> 00:07:08,298
Let me ask y'all
something, man.
107
00:07:08,340 --> 00:07:13,080
How many times have you
gone to the ATM machine to get $20,
108
00:07:13,128 --> 00:07:15,998
and you know you
got $20 in there,
109
00:07:16,044 --> 00:07:18,534
and you push the buttons...
[MIMICS BEEPING]
110
00:07:18,568 --> 00:07:22,698
And it spits out that
you only got $18.56?
111
00:07:22,746 --> 00:07:24,486
You mad as hell.
112
00:07:24,531 --> 00:07:26,711
People behind you,
"Hey, buddy, can you hurry up?"
113
00:07:26,750 --> 00:07:29,710
Ah, shit. And your stupid
ass pushed the buttons again?
114
00:07:29,753 --> 00:07:33,323
Wouldn't that be a trip if
the ATM machines could talk?
115
00:07:33,365 --> 00:07:37,585
It'll be a little different
in the hood than it'll be in Beverly Hills.
116
00:07:37,631 --> 00:07:40,461
Bob in Beverly Hills
walks up to the ATM machine.
117
00:07:43,680 --> 00:07:45,330
[MIMICS BEEPING]
118
00:07:45,377 --> 00:07:47,247
"Hey, ATM, how you doing?"
"Hey, Bob, how you doing?"
119
00:07:47,292 --> 00:07:49,212
"ATM, I need $20."
120
00:07:49,251 --> 00:07:52,081
"Sorry, Bob, you only
have $12.37."
121
00:07:52,123 --> 00:07:54,083
"Darn! Gosh!"
"But, Bob, calm down.
122
00:07:54,125 --> 00:07:55,645
"We'll work with you."
123
00:07:59,348 --> 00:08:02,918
Ray-Ray in the hood walks
up to the ATM machine.
124
00:08:08,052 --> 00:08:09,362
[MIMICS BEEPING]
125
00:08:09,401 --> 00:08:13,411
"Wassup, ATM?"
"Wassup, Ray-Ray?"
126
00:08:14,972 --> 00:08:17,542
"Yo, ATM, I need $20."
127
00:08:17,584 --> 00:08:21,114
"Pfft! Nigga, you tripping.
128
00:08:21,152 --> 00:08:24,242
"You don't even have
an account. Get yo' ass out of here!"
129
00:08:25,635 --> 00:08:28,935
"That's fucked up, ATM."
130
00:08:28,986 --> 00:08:33,116
Shit. I was in Chinatown
and I seen some Asian folks doing this
131
00:08:33,164 --> 00:08:35,914
self-defense exercise
called Tai Chi.
132
00:08:35,950 --> 00:08:38,430
Y'all have seen it, right?
Slow motion, they be into it.
133
00:08:47,091 --> 00:08:49,621
I was like, "Damn,
that's some cool shit."
134
00:08:49,659 --> 00:08:54,189
I roll to the hood,
I seen some black folks doing ghetto Tai Chi.
135
00:08:54,229 --> 00:08:56,449
This sister was really
into it. She was like...
136
00:08:59,756 --> 00:09:01,016
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
137
00:09:15,119 --> 00:09:17,859
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING][INAUDIBLE]
138
00:09:44,061 --> 00:09:47,201
I was like, "Damn!"
139
00:09:47,238 --> 00:09:48,848
I used to watch
a lot of TV, man.
140
00:09:48,892 --> 00:09:50,552
I used to watch
James Bond a lot.
141
00:09:50,590 --> 00:09:54,860
And Sean Connery was
the best James Bond.
142
00:09:54,898 --> 00:09:58,028
And you know how Bond
would come out there in his tuxedo, right?
143
00:09:58,075 --> 00:09:59,595
And he'll walk
to the screen?
144
00:10:00,730 --> 00:10:02,650
[MIMICS GUN FIRING]
145
00:10:02,689 --> 00:10:05,259
"Bond. James Bond.
146
00:10:06,127 --> 00:10:07,737
"007."
147
00:10:07,781 --> 00:10:10,481
And we know what he drank.
A vodka martini, right?
148
00:10:10,522 --> 00:10:12,702
"Shaken, not stirred."
149
00:10:12,742 --> 00:10:14,482
Now, being a little brother
growing up in the hood,
150
00:10:14,526 --> 00:10:16,656
my brothers and I used
to play James Bond.
151
00:10:16,703 --> 00:10:19,103
And I was James Bond.
I walk out there...
152
00:10:21,751 --> 00:10:23,931
[MIMICING RAPID GUNFIRE]
153
00:10:23,971 --> 00:10:26,101
'Cause you know a brother
gonna have an Uzi, right?
154
00:10:27,757 --> 00:10:31,717
"Bond! Pookie DeAndre Bond!
155
00:10:33,023 --> 00:10:35,943
"Nigga, you know, 007-Eleven!
156
00:10:37,114 --> 00:10:38,684
"You know what
I drink! Kool-Aid!
157
00:10:38,725 --> 00:10:40,285
"Red, hella sugar, no ice!"
158
00:10:45,688 --> 00:10:49,688
Now see, when things
like that happen, we need a black superhero.
159
00:10:49,736 --> 00:10:51,126
From the ghetto.
160
00:10:51,172 --> 00:10:53,612
Somebody who gonna
understand our problems.
161
00:10:53,653 --> 00:10:55,093
He ain't gonna have
a big "S" on his chest
162
00:10:55,132 --> 00:10:57,352
and a day job like
Superman. Hell, no.
163
00:10:57,395 --> 00:11:00,355
He gonna have initials
we can identify with, from the hood.
164
00:11:00,398 --> 00:11:02,138
"M.N."
165
00:11:02,183 --> 00:11:06,543
And it stands for something
we say every day. "My Nigga."
166
00:11:06,578 --> 00:11:09,278
And if you need that black
superhero, all you gotta do is call him.
167
00:11:09,320 --> 00:11:12,150
So, if you're down on
your luck, and you need that black superhero,
168
00:11:12,193 --> 00:11:13,463
who you gonna call?
169
00:11:13,498 --> 00:11:15,198
AUDIENCE: My Nigga!
170
00:11:15,239 --> 00:11:17,149
See My Nigga
flying in the air. [IMITATES FLYING]
171
00:11:17,198 --> 00:11:18,718
"Yeah, this shit
is kind of cool.
172
00:11:18,765 --> 00:11:21,285
"Nigga flying over Compton."
[IMITATES FLYING]
173
00:11:21,332 --> 00:11:24,382
Somebody calling
his name, "My Nigga! My Nigga!
174
00:11:24,422 --> 00:11:26,692
"Help! They whooping my ass!"
175
00:11:26,729 --> 00:11:28,729
My Nigga looked down. He
noticed a group of people whooping somebody's ass.
176
00:11:28,775 --> 00:11:31,465
My Nigga swooped down
to take a closer look. [IMITATES FLYING]
177
00:11:31,516 --> 00:11:33,336
As My Nigga get closer,
178
00:11:33,388 --> 00:11:35,348
he noticed the LAPD
is whooping a young brother's ass.
179
00:11:35,390 --> 00:11:38,790
My Nigga swooped back up.
[IMITATES FLYING]
180
00:11:38,828 --> 00:11:41,348
Young brother say,
"My Nigga, save me! Where you going?"
181
00:11:41,396 --> 00:11:45,266
"Hey, nigga got warrants."
182
00:11:45,313 --> 00:11:47,363
And that's my time.
I'm Dugar. Peace!
183
00:11:47,402 --> 00:11:49,402
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]
184
00:11:59,806 --> 00:12:02,366
Dugar! Damn!
Whatcha lose?
185
00:12:02,417 --> 00:12:04,027
Look at her. Looking
for that crack.
186
00:12:05,289 --> 00:12:06,549
Caught your ass, huh?
187
00:12:07,814 --> 00:12:09,424
Everything in it.
188
00:12:09,467 --> 00:12:10,897
Somebody took bag
with all your money in it and stuff?
189
00:12:10,947 --> 00:12:13,037
Yeah. It was, like,
right here.
190
00:12:13,080 --> 00:12:15,080
Really? It was...
Look at the white dude. "It's right here. Shit."
191
00:12:15,125 --> 00:12:17,125
Look, that's not your bag.
There's some shit going on in here.
192
00:12:17,171 --> 00:12:19,521
Wait a minute. Look...
Look at the brother with the orange on.
193
00:12:19,564 --> 00:12:21,224
[MUTTERS] How you doing?
194
00:12:21,262 --> 00:12:23,132
Love you on the side
of the freeway. All right.
195
00:12:24,787 --> 00:12:28,097
Look, damn! But look
at her bag. Shit.
196
00:12:28,138 --> 00:12:29,788
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
197
00:12:37,887 --> 00:12:40,887
She like... Like we
doing RootsPart 4.
198
00:12:47,462 --> 00:12:49,942
"I ain't seen nothing.
No, I ain't... Nothing.
199
00:12:49,986 --> 00:12:51,766
"I'm going up north,
that's all."
200
00:12:52,772 --> 00:12:54,862
Goddamn!
201
00:12:54,904 --> 00:12:57,344
Most people got
Louis Vuitton and you know, Gucci. You just got a...
202
00:12:59,822 --> 00:13:01,132
Hughes Market.
203
00:13:02,956 --> 00:13:04,776
That's right,
Hughes Market.
204
00:13:04,827 --> 00:13:06,567
When you've finished
shopping, make a purse out of it.
205
00:13:15,403 --> 00:13:16,843
Or a backpack.
206
00:13:18,928 --> 00:13:20,888
The slavery look is in.
207
00:13:23,193 --> 00:13:25,983
There you go. What...
Can I look at... What you got in this motherfucker?
208
00:13:27,807 --> 00:13:29,287
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND APPLAUDING]
209
00:13:31,332 --> 00:13:33,162
The... Hey! Look.
210
00:13:33,203 --> 00:13:35,473
Hey, look, you got
kicked out of TLC, huh?
211
00:13:36,293 --> 00:13:38,303
[LAUGHS]
212
00:13:38,339 --> 00:13:40,599
Look at that. Whatcha doing,
a Sprite commercial or some shit?
213
00:13:40,645 --> 00:13:42,865
Hey, whatcha got...
We gonna get you a bag.
214
00:13:42,909 --> 00:13:47,259
Uh, Russell Simmons,
can we get some money together for this young lady?
215
00:13:47,304 --> 00:13:49,314
I didn't... I didn't mean...
Oh, I didn't mean to tear your bag.
216
00:13:49,350 --> 00:13:51,920
She mad. "Why you
tear my bag?
217
00:13:51,961 --> 00:13:54,181
"They don't be
letting you on the bus with no tore bag."
218
00:14:01,884 --> 00:14:04,634
Ladies and gentlemen!
219
00:14:04,669 --> 00:14:08,109
Coming all the way
from Atlanta, Georgia,
220
00:14:08,151 --> 00:14:12,981
won't you please welcome
Tyler in the house!
221
00:14:13,026 --> 00:14:14,846
Kick it up! Kick it up!
Kick it up!
222
00:14:14,897 --> 00:14:16,767
[MUSIC PLAYING]
223
00:14:16,812 --> 00:14:18,342
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
224
00:14:29,607 --> 00:14:30,867
[MUSIC STOPS]
225
00:14:45,885 --> 00:14:47,575
What the hell
is going on?
226
00:14:49,889 --> 00:14:51,109
Y'all all right?
227
00:14:51,151 --> 00:14:52,721
AUDIENCE: Yeah!
228
00:14:52,761 --> 00:14:54,631
I ain't hear but three
of y'all. Y'all all right?
229
00:14:54,676 --> 00:14:56,716
AUDIENCE: Yeah!
230
00:14:56,765 --> 00:14:59,245
I guess I ain't gotta
tell ya, I feel better than y'all there do.
231
00:14:59,289 --> 00:15:00,989
[LAUGHS]
232
00:15:01,030 --> 00:15:03,160
I mean, I'm so
fucked up...
233
00:15:03,206 --> 00:15:04,856
You ever been so fucked
you feel like you had to hold onto the grass
234
00:15:04,904 --> 00:15:07,084
to keep from falling
off the earth? [LAUGHS]
235
00:15:09,212 --> 00:15:12,962
Dead-ass fucked up.
Believe that.
236
00:15:12,999 --> 00:15:17,529
Shit. Hey, let me
tell y'all something.
237
00:15:17,568 --> 00:15:20,218
This comedy shit ain't
all it's cooped up to be.
238
00:15:22,660 --> 00:15:25,230
You know they supposed to
hire you for jobs and shit, right?
239
00:15:25,272 --> 00:15:27,362
They fly you down
and treat you like a star.
240
00:15:27,404 --> 00:15:29,154
They treated me like a star.
241
00:15:29,189 --> 00:15:31,709
You know them stars
you get on your eyes and shit?
242
00:15:31,756 --> 00:15:33,576
Hurt real...
Man, fucked me up.
243
00:15:33,628 --> 00:15:35,588
Now, I ain't mind
what they do,
244
00:15:35,630 --> 00:15:37,980
but they flew me down there,
got me a little room.
245
00:15:38,024 --> 00:15:41,684
They had me staying
at the fucking Dew Drop Inn.
246
00:15:41,723 --> 00:15:43,293
It was all right.
I opened the door,
247
00:15:43,333 --> 00:15:45,253
they had bunk beds
in that motherfucker.
248
00:15:45,292 --> 00:15:46,902
[LAUGHS]
249
00:15:46,946 --> 00:15:49,246
They had the television
with the pliers already on it.
250
00:15:51,472 --> 00:15:55,482
Didn't have shit but
two channels, preview and the parking lot.
251
00:15:55,519 --> 00:15:57,699
We watching the same
shit security watching.
252
00:15:57,739 --> 00:15:59,739
[LAUGHS]
253
00:15:59,784 --> 00:16:01,054
"Hey, nigga, that's
my car they stealing. Look at that shit."
254
00:16:04,746 --> 00:16:05,966
Joke number one.
255
00:16:14,756 --> 00:16:16,796
It was... It was a nun, right?
256
00:16:16,845 --> 00:16:18,975
She called a cab to
the other side of town.
257
00:16:21,458 --> 00:16:23,588
Got in the cab.
The cab driver was driving.
258
00:16:23,634 --> 00:16:25,644
He was looking
at her and he said,
259
00:16:25,680 --> 00:16:28,770
"Hey, I wanna ask you
something, but I don't wanna offend you."
260
00:16:28,813 --> 00:16:30,123
And she said,
261
00:16:30,163 --> 00:16:32,343
"Well, you can
ask me anything.
262
00:16:32,382 --> 00:16:34,992
"As long as I've been living,
I don't think anything could offend me."
263
00:16:35,037 --> 00:16:36,867
He said, "Well, you know,
264
00:16:36,908 --> 00:16:40,298
"I always had a fantasy
of a nun giving me a blow job."
265
00:16:40,347 --> 00:16:43,047
She said, "Well,
that can happen. Two things first."
266
00:16:43,089 --> 00:16:46,479
He said, "What?" She said,
"You're Catholic and you're single."
267
00:16:46,527 --> 00:16:48,617
He said, "I'm both."
268
00:16:48,659 --> 00:16:52,189
They pulled in the alley.
She did her thing, he did his thing.
269
00:16:52,228 --> 00:16:53,748
Drove back off.
270
00:16:53,795 --> 00:16:56,095
Cab driver look
into the mirror and start crying,
271
00:16:56,145 --> 00:16:59,625
[SOBS] "Shit. Oh, Lord,
have mercy."
272
00:16:59,670 --> 00:17:02,020
She said, "What's wrong
with you? I just granted your greatest wish."
273
00:17:02,064 --> 00:17:04,504
He said, "I lied to you."
274
00:17:04,545 --> 00:17:05,885
She said,
"Well, what is it?"
275
00:17:05,937 --> 00:17:08,847
He said, "I'm Jewish
and I'm married."
276
00:17:08,897 --> 00:17:10,457
She said, "Well,
that's all right.
277
00:17:10,507 --> 00:17:12,547
"My name's Scott and I'm
going to a costume ball."
278
00:17:23,042 --> 00:17:25,482
Now, the moral of
the story is... [LAUGHS]
279
00:17:25,522 --> 00:17:28,222
What look good to ya
ain't always good for ya.
280
00:17:32,964 --> 00:17:36,494
Hey, y'all, I appreciate
y'all having me. I'm Tyler. Y'all be easy. Peace!
281
00:17:36,533 --> 00:17:38,063
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
282
00:17:52,071 --> 00:17:54,601
Rocking it!
That's right, baby!
283
00:17:54,638 --> 00:17:57,158
How you feeling?
How you living?
284
00:17:57,206 --> 00:17:59,206
There we go.
There we go.
285
00:17:59,252 --> 00:18:02,522
All right. There you go.
Oh, we got something for you. Um...
286
00:18:02,559 --> 00:18:05,739
You know, we...
We here at Def Jam and Curry Productions,
287
00:18:05,780 --> 00:18:10,610
you know, sometimes we
feel sorry for people and you know,
288
00:18:10,654 --> 00:18:12,134
we just wanna go out
to the world and say that
289
00:18:12,178 --> 00:18:14,178
Def Jamis just
not about comedy,
290
00:18:14,223 --> 00:18:16,363
Kid Capri is not
about music.
291
00:18:16,399 --> 00:18:18,449
It's... You know, it's
about black people
292
00:18:18,488 --> 00:18:20,008
getting together, helping
other black people.
293
00:18:20,055 --> 00:18:22,055
That's what it's about.
You know, really.
294
00:18:22,101 --> 00:18:23,891
And that's what
we should do.
295
00:18:23,928 --> 00:18:26,148
And so,
296
00:18:26,192 --> 00:18:29,202
since you didn't have
a purse, we got you one.
297
00:18:30,196 --> 00:18:31,626
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
298
00:18:36,811 --> 00:18:38,331
We got you a Coach bag.
299
00:18:42,251 --> 00:18:44,251
We are the world.
300
00:18:44,297 --> 00:18:45,947
But not only did we
get you a Coach bag,
301
00:18:45,994 --> 00:18:48,484
we got you a little
coin purse to go with it.
302
00:18:48,518 --> 00:18:50,038
[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS]
303
00:18:54,437 --> 00:18:57,877
DKY. You gotta
get your own man.
304
00:18:57,919 --> 00:19:01,489
All right? So, from us
to you, thank you very much. Good luck, girl.
305
00:19:01,531 --> 00:19:04,451
All right.
306
00:19:04,491 --> 00:19:06,451
Ladies and gentlemen,
let's keep it going! Keep it going!
307
00:19:06,493 --> 00:19:08,233
Keep it going!
308
00:19:08,277 --> 00:19:12,587
From Brooklyn, New York,
second appearance on Def Comedy Jam.
309
00:19:12,629 --> 00:19:15,719
Let's give it up for
Mike B. in the house!
310
00:19:15,763 --> 00:19:17,033
Yeah, baby!
311
00:19:28,732 --> 00:19:29,822
Wassup?
312
00:19:29,864 --> 00:19:31,474
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
313
00:19:33,955 --> 00:19:37,735
I'm sick of all this shit,
playa hater, all this bullshit.
314
00:19:37,785 --> 00:19:41,395
Brothers, I'm gonna drop
the real on you right now whether you like it or not.
315
00:19:41,441 --> 00:19:43,661
The reason we get in a lot
of trouble with females...
316
00:19:43,704 --> 00:19:46,144
I've been doing
the research.
317
00:19:46,185 --> 00:19:48,095
You wanna know
why? It's simple.
318
00:19:48,143 --> 00:19:49,493
'Cause we stupid.
319
00:19:51,886 --> 00:19:53,366
We don't know how
to lie properly.
320
00:19:53,409 --> 00:19:56,239
Every nigga here think
he's slick as shit.
321
00:19:56,282 --> 00:20:00,592
But females are a lot
smarter and slicker than we'll ever fucking be.
322
00:20:00,634 --> 00:20:02,854
We do our shit...
Let me... Let me... Let me explain.
323
00:20:02,897 --> 00:20:05,157
Let's... Let's define
lying, first of all.
324
00:20:05,204 --> 00:20:09,644
The purpose of a lie is
so the shit never comes back up again.
325
00:20:09,686 --> 00:20:12,116
Niggas, we lie
for the moment.
326
00:20:12,167 --> 00:20:13,777
Watch, you wanna do dirt?
327
00:20:13,821 --> 00:20:15,481
You wanna do dirt?
Watch how females do dirt.
328
00:20:15,518 --> 00:20:17,868
They have a meeting.
329
00:20:17,912 --> 00:20:20,832
They call all they
girlfriends over to the house.
330
00:20:20,871 --> 00:20:22,661
They got a chalkboard
with assignments
331
00:20:22,699 --> 00:20:24,959
where everybody's
supposed to be.
332
00:20:25,006 --> 00:20:26,826
They got walkie-talkies
and hand signals
333
00:20:26,877 --> 00:20:29,317
and all kinds of shit
just in case you get smart.
334
00:20:29,358 --> 00:20:30,968
Not us. What we do?
335
00:20:31,012 --> 00:20:32,672
We go ahead
and do the dirt,
336
00:20:32,709 --> 00:20:35,319
and then hope the shit fall
into place as we go along.
337
00:20:35,364 --> 00:20:37,244
Then we get mad at niggas
that we put in the lie
338
00:20:37,279 --> 00:20:39,239
but we didn't tell them
what they was supposed to say.
339
00:20:40,543 --> 00:20:42,283
My man gonna call me.
He's like,
340
00:20:42,328 --> 00:20:43,498
"Yo, Mike. Yo, Mike.
Did Carol call your house?"
341
00:20:43,546 --> 00:20:44,806
I was like, "Yeah,
she sure did."
342
00:20:44,852 --> 00:20:46,682
"Oh, shit. Yo,
what you told her?"
343
00:20:46,723 --> 00:20:50,033
"That you wasn't here."
"Oh, shit! Nigga, damn!
344
00:20:50,074 --> 00:20:52,564
"What the fuck you
told her that for?"
345
00:20:52,599 --> 00:20:55,649
"Nigga, 'cause you didn't
tell me what I was supposed to say. I ain't psychic."
346
00:20:57,038 --> 00:20:58,208
Shit, we get in
too much trouble.
347
00:20:58,257 --> 00:20:59,737
Basic shit get us
in trouble.
348
00:20:59,780 --> 00:21:01,430
A lot of brothers
done got caught
349
00:21:01,477 --> 00:21:03,997
looking at another female
when you was with your girl.
350
00:21:04,045 --> 00:21:05,525
We all done been through it.
351
00:21:05,568 --> 00:21:07,178
'Cause we think we slick.
352
00:21:07,222 --> 00:21:09,142
Let me break it
down for you, bro.
353
00:21:09,180 --> 00:21:10,920
Your girl is here.
354
00:21:10,965 --> 00:21:14,395
You trying to peep
this other honey coming your way.
355
00:21:14,447 --> 00:21:18,487
See, we see the sister
coming when she, like, 30 feet away.
356
00:21:18,538 --> 00:21:20,928
Your girl seen her when
she was 30 blocks away.
357
00:21:23,412 --> 00:21:26,682
She see the big titties.
She know what you like.
358
00:21:26,720 --> 00:21:29,590
And see, to themselves,
they sitting there, saying,
359
00:21:29,636 --> 00:21:32,506
"I wanna see if his punk ass
360
00:21:32,552 --> 00:21:35,292
"gonna try to look
at this bitch while I'm standing right here.
361
00:21:36,947 --> 00:21:39,597
"I wanna see."
362
00:21:39,646 --> 00:21:42,426
And we don't even know
she already peeped your steelo.
363
00:21:42,475 --> 00:21:46,645
We think everything is cool,
so now we try to get her to look in this direction.
364
00:21:46,696 --> 00:21:50,266
We gotta keep her eye
focused over here so we can get our peek on.
365
00:21:50,309 --> 00:21:52,349
We'd pick anything.
Anything, it don't make a difference.
366
00:21:52,398 --> 00:21:54,308
"Right there, girl.
Right there."
367
00:21:54,356 --> 00:21:56,706
"What?" "Right there.
Right there. Right over there. Right there.
368
00:21:56,750 --> 00:21:59,800
"Yeah, Kevin, getting
in the car, just like that. Right there. Right there.
369
00:21:59,840 --> 00:22:01,100
"Right there!"
370
00:22:05,541 --> 00:22:09,761
But the problem is as
soon as you turn around, pow! She right in your face.
371
00:22:09,806 --> 00:22:11,456
"Well, go get her then."
"What? Are you tripping?
372
00:22:11,504 --> 00:22:13,114
"I wasn't even
looking at her."
373
00:22:13,157 --> 00:22:14,767
No, brothers, no.
374
00:22:14,811 --> 00:22:16,641
Watch how females do it.
375
00:22:16,683 --> 00:22:19,693
If they wanna look
at another brother and you with them,
376
00:22:19,729 --> 00:22:21,989
they'll get you to look
at the same nigga they wanna see.
377
00:22:32,176 --> 00:22:34,306
They include us
in the bullshit.
378
00:22:34,353 --> 00:22:36,093
And we're stupid.
379
00:22:36,137 --> 00:22:38,617
See, in they mind
they thinking, "Damn!
380
00:22:38,661 --> 00:22:40,621
"This nigga look
good as hell."
381
00:22:40,663 --> 00:22:42,583
But to us they be like, "Boo,
382
00:22:42,622 --> 00:22:45,062
"don't that look like
Chris that used to work at my job?"
383
00:22:45,102 --> 00:22:46,282
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
384
00:22:46,321 --> 00:22:47,631
"Don't that look
like Chris?"
385
00:22:52,022 --> 00:22:53,502
And what our punk ass do?
386
00:22:54,895 --> 00:22:56,805
"That do look like Chris."
387
00:22:56,853 --> 00:22:59,203
Nigga, you never even met
Chris! Shut the fuck up.
388
00:23:00,117 --> 00:23:01,377
Stupid.
389
00:23:04,034 --> 00:23:08,264
My man, the nigga
of the year, R. Kelly.
390
00:23:08,299 --> 00:23:09,819
"You remind me of my Jeep."
391
00:23:12,042 --> 00:23:14,092
Now, I don't know
about y'all,
392
00:23:14,131 --> 00:23:16,351
I'd rather be a bitch or a ho
than a damn truck any fucking day.
393
00:23:16,395 --> 00:23:18,395
Y'all was just loving
this damn song.
394
00:23:18,440 --> 00:23:20,270
Shit was silly.
395
00:23:20,311 --> 00:23:22,231
But I was sitting
there one day.
396
00:23:22,270 --> 00:23:23,970
You gotta think about
where another brother's coming from.
397
00:23:24,011 --> 00:23:26,191
Sisters, don't get mad,
just hear a brother out.
398
00:23:26,230 --> 00:23:29,450
Some of y'all do remind us
of Jeeps, in a way.
399
00:23:29,495 --> 00:23:31,495
You do. Now,
hear me out first.
400
00:23:31,540 --> 00:23:33,890
See, if you've got yourself,
like, a real big girl,
401
00:23:34,891 --> 00:23:36,461
that's like a Land Cruiser.
402
00:23:38,199 --> 00:23:40,239
You know what
I'm saying?
403
00:23:40,288 --> 00:23:42,458
A lot of y'all brothers
done had that itchy, burny feeling before
404
00:23:42,508 --> 00:23:45,288
and you had to run
to the clinic? Fucking with them blazers.
405
00:23:45,336 --> 00:23:46,726
[AUDIENC LAUGHING]
406
00:23:48,688 --> 00:23:50,468
Some of y'all cheating.
407
00:23:50,516 --> 00:23:52,946
You got your main girl,
then you got you a sidekick.
408
00:23:54,345 --> 00:23:55,955
But watch out,
'cause they'll flip on you.
409
00:24:03,572 --> 00:24:04,972
A lot of y'all brothers
be running in the club
410
00:24:05,008 --> 00:24:06,658
with a little white girl
on your arm.
411
00:24:06,706 --> 00:24:08,396
That's a Bronco.
412
00:24:08,447 --> 00:24:10,317
[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING
AND CHEERING]
413
00:24:12,755 --> 00:24:14,445
And y'all know
about that shit.
414
00:24:16,455 --> 00:24:19,065
Some of y'all got
that real long hair, and it's yours.
415
00:24:19,109 --> 00:24:20,589
People always
challenging you.
416
00:24:20,633 --> 00:24:22,503
"That's your hair, girl?
That's you?"
417
00:24:22,548 --> 00:24:24,108
"Yeah, it's me.
418
00:24:24,158 --> 00:24:26,808
"I got a little Indian
in my family."
419
00:24:26,856 --> 00:24:29,286
That's a Cherokee.
420
00:24:29,337 --> 00:24:33,557
But if you don't suck no dick,
that's the limited edition and I can't fuck with you.
421
00:24:33,602 --> 00:24:35,782
That's my time. My name
is Mike B. I'm out.
422
00:24:35,822 --> 00:24:37,082
Peace and love.
423
00:24:43,786 --> 00:24:45,606
Yeah, baby!
424
00:24:45,658 --> 00:24:48,488
Before we do this,
we brought you a little hat box too, baby.
425
00:24:50,358 --> 00:24:51,708
A little hat box.
426
00:24:51,751 --> 00:24:53,401
Ladies and gentlemen,
let's bring it up
427
00:24:53,448 --> 00:24:57,498
for the man that made
all this possible, Russell Simmons!
428
00:24:57,539 --> 00:24:59,149
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
429
00:24:59,193 --> 00:25:01,113
Thank you for coming out.
God bless you. Good night.
430
00:25:01,151 --> 00:25:02,941
[MUSIC PLAYING]
431
00:25:02,979 --> 00:25:04,499
[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]
432
00:25:04,549 --> 00:25:09,099
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
34273
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.