All language subtitles for Def Comedy Jam s07e01.eng

KID CAPRI:
It's the Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

I am your man,
the world's greatest DJ, the Kid Capri.

With your host...

Tonight's guests...

Please, put your
hands together for my man Mr. Steve Harvey!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Los Angeles, right on.
How y'all doin' tonight?

Yeah, welcome to
Def Jamfor the first time on the West Coast.

We brought you Def Jam
because it is time to stop the madness

of this East Coast,
West Coast mess.

It is time to stop
the madness of this red and this blue.

It is only one thing
that matters. That we are black people.

And your blackness comes
before whatever side of the country you on

or whatever color
you wear.

I'm glad to be here.

Give me love.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

A lot of y'all ain't
happy with your life.

You know, I'm gonna talk
to the sistas for a minute.

I feel for y'all, I really do.
'Cause hard to get a good man.

Hard, man...
It's hard to find a good man.

Most good men is already gone.

It's hard
to find a good man.

I'll admit
we got some problems.

A lot of things is
wrong with us, but let me square ya up on somethin'.

It ain't just our fault.

See, now ain't no more
gigglin' now.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I said it
ain't just our fault.

See, sometimes you ain't doin'
what you supposed to do.

A lot of times you
ain't gettin' the lovin' you think...

Hold up, dog, I got it,
I'm gonna straighten it out.

A lot of times you ain't
gettin' the lovin' you want

'cause there's a lot of
things you doin' wrong.

So, sistas, on behalf of men,
after bein' castrated and done so wrong

through the course of time,
on behalf of men, just let me say this...

A lot of times you can have
that romantic bedroom life that you lookin' for.

You could have that spark
if you would just change some of the things you doin'.

Let's just
talk about what it is you wear to bed.

I'm tryin' tell you
what I know.

Lot of y'all just come to bed
with any old thing on.

See, there's two items, women,
that you could wear to bed

that would instantly
enhance your love life. Two items.

Most of y'all have 'em
and don't even know how to use 'em.

So let me just give 'em
to you right quick.

Two things that cost you
under $20

that will instantly enhance
your love life in the bedroom.

Item number one,
and listen to me carefully.

If you can come to bed
buck naked...

Come on, now.

With just...
And listen to me...

A g-string.
That's all you need. Just a g-string.

Ladies, there's
somethin' in us,

when we see a string
go down the crack of your ass.

Oh, shit! Wow![AUDIENCE CHEERING]

It just drives us crazy.

And if it come up
in the front.

Oh, lord. We don't
care how big your ass is.

We don't care if you can't
see the string no more.

I don't give a damn
if your ass swallowed that string up like lunch.

As long as we know it went
down in there,

our ass
is gonna be all right.

Here is item number two.
I ain't playin' with ya.

Most of you have these
at your house or you have 'em on already.

Once again,
if you can come to bed buck naked...

The key is
always buck naked...

With a pair of pumps on.

Them is high-heel shoes.

If you can come to bed
with some... I don't care how big your ass is.

I don't care when you
get naked all your shit hit the floor.

I don't give a damn if your
ass is sittin' on each side of the room.

If you can just jam them
big-ass hocks down in them high-heel shoes.

I don't care if you
can't walk in 'em.

I don't give
a damn if you got to tippy toe

and fall in the goddamn bed.

If you can get your
big ass to that bed with them high heel shoes on...

God damn it!
[MIMICKS TARZAN YELLING]

Your mandingo
lover is on the way.

But see y'all
ain't doin' that no more.

Nah, no, 'cause
you got him now.

See, you done forgot,
the same thing it took to get your baby hooked

is the same thing
you got to do to keep him.

But you done forgot that.

Now y'all just come
into bed lookin' like anything.

What is some of
this shit y'all wear to bed?

Let me ask y'all somethin'.
What the hell is bloomers?

Where did you get a pair
of drawers so big

that they come
all up over your stomach

right up
under your titties?

Where did ya find them
big-ass drawers from?

You knew them drawers
was too big

when you hung 'em out
on the clothesline last week

and you looked outside and
the little boy next door had done climbed up in 'em

and was outside swinging
in your drawers.

And what about that pair
of underwear that you wear

during that special time
of the month?

You know that raggedy-ass
pair of drawers,

elastic done popped
all loose at the top.

Ain't got nothin' tight round
the bottom no more.

Got just lint balls
all over 'em.

Look like a damn
bathroom rug wrapped around your ass.

Now you layin' in the bed
talkin' 'bout, "Why won't he hold me?"

'Cause your ass
is itchin', that's why.

Rubbin' all up
against your scratchy ass.

And what about them house
shoes you been wearin' ever since you met his ass?

Used to be fluffy and pink,
now you done wasted chicken grease and shit all in 'em.

You done took 'em with
your country ass and had taps put on 'em.

Now you walkin'
round the house...

What about that bathrobe
you been wearin' ever since you knew his ass?

Used to be terry cloth.

Now you done washed it
so many times,

look like a piece of
toilet tissue wrapped around your ass.

You 'member
when you was thin,

you used to
could tie a nice little bow in the front?

Now you done
gained so much weight,

ya can't do nothin'
but make a knot in the front of that son of a bitch.

Now you at the foot of the
bed just pickin' at that fucker for 15, 20 minutes.

Now he got to
go to the kitchen, get a butcher knife

so he can cut your ass
out the robe so you can get up in the bed.

What about that nasty-ass
rag you wear on your head every night?

When you gonna wash
that nasty fucker?

Comin' to bed smellin' like
Glover's Mane and Sulfur8.

I'm Steve Harvey, y'all.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Come on, Los Angeles,

please, put your
hands together from Columbus, Ohio,

first time ever, show
your love for Jack Shepherd.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

What up, Westside?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Damn, you got some fine
women up here too. Damn!

Fine like... Like you.

I want you to
have my kids.

I'm gonna
bring them motherfuckers over tomorrow.

I want you to take 'em.

And I... I apologize for
using the word "motherfucker."

But, damn it, I'm black
and it's gonna slip out time to time.

That's why brothas can't be
game show hosts.

You never know when
a "motherfucka" just gonna slip out of your ass.

Like, "Come on.
You see the clock tickin'. Spin the wheel, motherfucker."

But black people, we are
the most inventive race out.

We are.

We invent everything.

And other races
take from our race and claim it for their own.

Like that dance,
the Macarena.

Black people been
doin' the Macarena for years.

Every time the cop
pulls us over.

You know what I'm sayin'?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

We've been
doin' it for years.

You know.

Glad they didn't
show the OJ Simpson civil trial on TV.

Give it up. Thank God.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Because I think white folks
got a misconception

of black people
during that first trial.

They actually thought
we was rootin' for OJ.

We don't give a damn
about OJ.

We was rootin'
for Johnnie Cochran

for beatin' white people
at their own damn game.

[EXCLAIMS]

Know what I'm sayin'?

'Cause Johnny was
so damn good, OJ was sittin' there like,

"Hey, maybe I
didn't do it. Shit.

"He said I didn't do it."

My boy watched
that trial all the time.

I said, "Man, don't you get
sick of watching this?

"Don't you miss
watching normal TV?"

"Hell no. Everythin' I used
to watch on normal TV is inside the OJ trial."

Like, "How's that?"
"Well, see, when OJ first met Nicole,

"Nicole was
bold and beautiful.

"OJ. was 30-somethin'.

"Now as the world turns,
the bitch done had all his children,

"but she became
young and restless.

"Now, she became
young and restless.

"OJ got mad,
and she called the cops

"'cause she felt her life
was in jeopardy.

"The cops came to her
Beverly Hills 90210 address.

"OJ said, 'Hey, we
married with children. It's a family matter.

"'Y'all didn't come out
when the bitch kicked me and gave me growin' pains.'

"Cop was like, 'Hell,
y'all shouldn't be fightin', motherfucker,

"'you're the Simpsons.'

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

"So, three months later,
she livin' single.

"She out with her friend,
Ron Goldman.

"Mob squad hit her up,
didn't give a fuck about her one life to live,

"and before rescue 911
could get her ass to general hospital,

"she was headin' for the
guidin' light."

Before I get out
of here, though...

Before I get out,
man, I got to say, you know,

you work in this business,
you get to work with a lot of entertainers.

Some cool to work with,
some just out there, you know what I'm sayin'.

Last year, I had the...

I guess the unfortunate
pleasure of working

with the artist
formerly known as Prince.

Nah, nah, nah, it wasn't...
It wasn't a clappin' matter.

You know what I'm sayin'?
'Cause everybody...

Prince is so
stuck on his self,

he feels that everybody
in his band has to dress just like him.

And I'm like, "Well, I
ain't dressin' like him."

They like, "We payin'
you $50,000."

How many y'all, by applause,
would dress like Prince for $50,000?

You damn right.
I had to make my money.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

That look like my aunt's ass.

It just...
Big ol' just bumpy ass.

Y'all ready for this show
to keep goin'? Everybody say, "Yeah."

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

Well, everybody,
all the way from Atlanta, Georgia,

makin' her second appearance
here on Def Jam.

She was
also on the Bad Girls of Def Comedy Jam.

Give it up, everybody,
for a good friend of mine.

Show your love for Chocolate.

STEVE: Yeah![AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Wassup?

Ladies in the house,
the brothas been doggin' us.

They been doggin' us.

But we
love y'all anyway. We do.

How many women here
got a good man?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Ain't no need
to cut cartwheels, girl.

Sittin' over there, lyin'.
Know ya lyin'.

He can pay the rent
one month, he a good man.

And that's under Section 8.

Rent, $20.

And he think he doin'
somethin' by givin' it back.

"No, baby,
you keep that.

"Get yourself somethin' nice."

Triflin' bastards.

It's a man shortage, ladies,

and see what's wrong
is the brothas know it's a man shortage.

That's why
they tryin' to play us.

It's so bad, ladies,
we got ugly brothas thinkin' they got it going on.

Ugly brothas
is kicking sistas to the curb.

And it hurts, y'all, it hurts.

You know it's a man shortage
when women are beggin' Biggie Smalls

for one more chance.

I'm sorry, ladies,
I'm just not there yet.

That brotha talkin' 'bout,
"I see some ladies tonight

"that should be
havin' my baby."

"Brotha, where?"

Ain't no crackheads
in here.

Fat bastard, look like you
havin' a baby.

Ugly bastard.
It makes me mad, ladies.

'Cause it's a man shortage.

And they not only ugly,
they some triflin' brothas out there too.

Brothas is gettin' triflin'.
They are.

'Cause ladies, you ever
been with a brotha right,

like your first time
with him sexually,

and he's going
down on you.

Oh, this ain't never
happened to none of y'all?

Oh, stank coochie heifers.

Y'all better wash.

Sittin' there like,
"Nah, that ain't never happened to me.

"How she
get a brotha to do that?"

I say wash your booties.
[CHUCKLES]

Nasty heifers.

No, but I know
it's done happen, right. I know it's done happen.

You be layin' there like,
"Now, I know this brotha

"ain't gettin' ready
to go down on me.

"But I ain't gonna stop him."

You gonna go and let
him do his business, right?

You be layin' there like,
"Baby, what you doin'?

"What are you doin'?

"Oh, what you doin'?"

'Cause y'all know you ain't
gonna stop him

till he come back up
and try to kiss you.

"Well, hold up now.

"Now, see, now we don't
know each other that well.

"You trippin' now.

"I think you need to leave.

"Your job here is done."

Triflin' bastard.

I ain't never understood
that either.

Why a brotha go down
on a sista and come back up and think we wanna kiss y'all?

Y'all eat coochie,
not us.

Nasty bastard.

Come up, face lookin' like
a glazed donut.

And I know some of
you ladies, some of y'all would deal with it,

some of you skoochies.

That's right, skoochie.

That's a combination
of a skank and a hoochie.

Some of you skoochies
would deal with it,

you know,
if he got a lot of money,

drive a big ol'
pretty, fancy car, or whatnot.

I know some of you
skoochies would deal with it.

Not me. I ain't
that type of sista.

'Cause the
way I feel about it, baby. I don't care if you...

If you drivin' a Pinto.

Honey, if the lovin' is right,
I will hook your Pinto up.

Put in some rims on it.

Get him a spoiler kit.

I'm Chocolate, y'all.
Love you much. I'm out.

This is dedicated
to my daughter. I love you, baby.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

STEVE: Show some
love, y'all. Top that.

Atlanta, Georgia.

Hey, y'all,
before we go any further,

let me introduce you,
and I mean this from the bottom of my heart.

I have seen some people
handle some music

and mess with them
wheels of steel,

but I ain't seen
nobody bad like he.

Y'all show your love for
the one and only, Kid Capri.

Right there, Kid.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

I'm from the ol' school.
I don't know nothin' about that.

You know... [MIMICKING RECORD
SCRATCHING] I don't know nothin' about...

I love it the way he do it,
but I don't know what he doin'.

Just... [MIMICKING RECORD
SCRATCHING]

Hey, hey, just let it play.

Well, let's get it on, man.
Let's get it on.

Y'all ready
for some more show? Everybody say, "Yeah."

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

Well, this is
a good one for me, y'all.

I bring to you a brotha
from Chicago, Illinois,

who was a writer
on The Steve Harvey Show.

That would be me.

He is here.
He is a funny young brotha.

Y'all show your love
for James Hannah.

James Hannah, y'all,
give him love.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Wassup?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]All right.

Before I get into
my thing right quick,

I need to know what kind of
black people I got in the house tonight.

So let me get a loud
round of applause

from all the ghetto
motherfuckers in the house.

Clap ya hands for me.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

Okay. Should be
a lot more of y'all clappin' but that's cool.

'Cause some of you
might be ghetto

and don't know
that your ass is ghetto.

So I have a little test.

These are little clues
to let you know if you're ghetto.

Clue number one,

brothas, if pose
for your wedding picture like this...

Your ass is ghetto.

Next clue, if you barbecue
on your front porch...

Your ass is ghetto.

And the last clue
on the ghetto test,

parents, if your phone bill
is in your baby's name...

Your ass is ghetto.

All right, right quick, let me
get a round of applause

from all the beautiful,
strong,

secure women in the house.
Make some noise for me.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Okay. This joke ain't
directed at y'all.

It's directed at any
woman in the house who ever broke up with a man

'cause he's too nice.

How the fuck is a man
too nice, y'all?

Y'all ever heard
of this shit?

I mean... Too nice?

I mean...
Ooh, I am so sick of you low self-esteem havin',

self-hating, psycho bitches,
I don't know what to do.

Y'all get on my nerves.
See, y'all kill me.

I came up with
a service to make money off your ass

and serve your
self-destructive urges at the same time.

I got a service
I'm callin' Rent a Dog.

And for $59.95, we
could have a dog-ass nigga come in your life

and fuck shit up.

He could do shit like
borrow your car and drive other bitches in it.

He could do shit like fuck
you and your best friend, give both of y'all gonorrhea.

He could slap you in front
of your kids.

Or if you're a real glutton
for punishment,

he could beat you down at
your family reunion. You know what I'm sayin'?

Just dial 1-800-roughneck,
and we will hook your ass up.

And we even got
a stalker rate for your ass.

For $69.95, we could have that
dog-ass nigga

jump out your bedroom closet
in a ninja outfit,

scare the shit out of you
and that motherfucker who's too nice.

And women, before I go,
I got to say this.

If y'all listen to
nothin' else I say tonight, listen to this.

Y'all quit takin' advice
from Oprah and Ricki Lake and Jenny Jones.

Quit listenin'
to these motherfuckers.

And there's one woman
in particular you really to stop listenin' to.

This woman
is a lot closer to home,

and you need to
examine her love life

before she give
you advice on your love life.

Ladies, y'all gotta quit
listenin' to your bitter-ass lonely girlfriends, okay?

That's who y'all got
to stop listenin' to.

Let me y'all ask somethin'.

How's a bitch with no man
gonna tell you what to do with your man? Okay?

Some of y'all got
girlfriends ain't had a man

since Michael Jackson's
Off The Wallalbum.

But she gonna tell
you what to do with your man.

Some of y'all got girlfriend's
legs been together longer than The Isley Brothers,

but she gonna tell you
what to do with your man.

And I know some of you
ladies wanna clap,

but you're sittin'
right next to that bitter bitch right now,

and you're tryin'
to play it off.

Quit listenin' to her ass.
That's all my time. Thanks a lot.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Yeah. Y'all have
a good time tonight?

Come on, I said did you have
a good time tonight?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

Well, along with me,
please welcome to the stage

the brotha that makes all
of this possible.

He put it together
with his dream

and he backed it up
with money.

Y'all show your love.
Russell Simmons.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Thank y'all for comin' out.
God bless. Good night.

Good night, y'all.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

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