All language subtitles for Def Comedy Jam s06e11.eng

KID CAPRI: Straight out of
New York City,

it's the Russell Simmons'
Def Comedy All-Star Jam.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

KID CAPRI:
Welcome to the stage, Mr. Mark Curry.

Oh, hey. What's up?
How ya doing?

Yes, motherfuckers.[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Kid Capri, how you doin'?KID CAPRI: Yo.

That's my nigga.

Who from the hood in here?AUDIENCE: Ooh.

All right east side.
We all from the hood.

I'm from Oakland, California.
Rough ass hood.

I went home last Christmas.

December, they shot
Santa in the mall. That's how bad shit is.

You know you can't promise
a brother something and not deliver that shit.

Nigga came back,
"Ho, ho, ho my ass." [IMITATES GUNSHOTS]

Nigga, I never did get my
Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots.

Little kids was saying,
"Get up, Santa. Get up. You ain't hurt that bad."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"It's only a .22. Get up."

"Help him up, Trey.

"Take the picture, bitch."

From the hood.

In the hood they shoot
everything down, don't they?

In the hood you can identify
other people gunshots, can't you?

[IMITATES GUNSHOTS]
"That's Rodney and them over there."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Nigga got a new Glock.

Ha. That's right. They shot
down a police helicopter. We had one two days.

Nigga don't want to wake up
at 5:00 in the morning with no light in they face.

They shot
that motherfucker down.

[CHUCKLES]
"Mayday. Mayday. Mayday. Mayday.

"Mayday. Mayday.
Mayday. Mayday."

That shit fell right
in front of the projects.

They stripped that shit
before it hit the ground.

Niggas was putting
helicopter seats in their cars and shit.

"This is nice. Yeah.
This motherfucker..."

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

"Yeah."

"These motherfuckers nice."

It's the hood.

One thing about
the hood I love. You can buy anything you want.

You can buy a TV at 4:00
in the morning with no tax.

That motherfucker
still warm on the side. That's your warranty.

"Nigga, what you mean,
does it work? It's warm.

"Like I'm a heat it up
and shit."

I think the crack addicts
make the best salesmen, don't they?

Crack addicts be selling
they ass off.

They be selling shit
you don't need. They be smooth though.

"What's up, baby.
How you doin'? Check this out."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Check this out, nigga.

"Do you wanna buy some rubies?

"Look at that price tag
on there, $27,000.

"Give me $6."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Nigga, fuck you."

One year in Oakland
them motherfuckers...

This is how bad
it got in Oakland,

they broke into a zoo
and stole some monkeys, the crack addicts.

That's how bad shit was.

I guess they was doing crack
or heard them animals and got ideas.

It was like...
[SNORTS] [EXCLAIMS]

"You thinking
what I'm thinking?

"They behind bars they must
be worth something.

"Let's go get
them motherfuckers."

Broke into the zoo.
They was fucked up. He needed some crack real bad.

He was selling,
"Hey, what's up? Can I talk to you for a minute?

"Yo, nigga."

[AUDIENCE CHEERS AND LAUGHS]

"Check it out, nigga.
Come here. Come here.

"Can I talk to you
for a minute? Can I talk to you for...

"Check this out,
can you come a little bit closer, nigga?

"I don't want to shout
the shit out. Check this out.

"Check this out, nigga, uh...

"You wanna buy some monkeys?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Monkeys, motherfucker.
Monkey.

"Nigga, I don't know
what kind of monkeys. Shit, Alaskan monkeys.

"Do I look like
a archeologist to you?

"No, I can't let you see them.
They in this bag. I'll let them out.

"I'm trying to knock
these motherfuckers out now.

"I didn't know these
motherfuckers bite."

From the hood.
Right? I live...

Check it out,
I live in a white hood now. That shit is different.

A white neighborhood
is different.

Anybody live in a white
neighborhood?

That shit different.
Quiet as a... You can't hear shit.

You know, I'm use to
the sounds of the ghetto. I'm used to hearing cars...

[IMITATES HEAVY BASS MUSIC]

I'm used to...
[IMITATES GUNSHOTS] Gunshots.

I'm used to hearing
babies cry, "Mama!"

"Sit your ass down!"

I'm used to hearing
the police...

"Step out of the vehicle
with your hands up."

A white neighborhood,
all you hear are birds. That's all you hear.

I live in a white...
Now that shit scared...

During the earthquake
in a white neighborhood I ran outside.

I saw all them
white people with lanterns.

I said, "Oh, my God.
The Ku Klux Klan."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I was shooting and shit.

Shit, in a white neighborhood
everything closed down, 7:30. Just closed down.

They turn their lights out,
close their curtains,

put the car in the driveway,
put the dog in the backyard.

First time I saw
them doing that, I did the same thing too.

I said,
"Maybe these motherfuckers know something I don't know."

I was looking out the window
with my pistol.

Whatever it is they ain't
gone sneak up on me.

Shit is quiet as fuck
in the hood.

I had to dial 911 just
to get some sleep.

[CHUCKLES]

I ain't bullshit...
"There's two big old black dudes..."

You got to say black dudes.
The police will come real quick.

"Two big old black dudes
beating up an old lady. 1010 Laurel Canyon Way..."

[IMITATING POLICE SIRENS]

[SIGHS]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Nosey. White people nosey.

Don't get me wrong,
black people, you're just as nosey.

Black people more
outright about it.

You know, police could
be at your house,

black people come out
on the porch and look at you.

White people more subtle
about that shit.

They pretend like
they raking up leaves and shit. [WHISTLING]

Or they wash that house down.

Old lady across
from me, right?

Never speak to me but stare
at me out all the time.

Just be peeping and shit
all the motherfucking time.

I see her in the
kitchen every time.

I come home late now,
3:00 in the morning.

I make sure she know.
I slam my car door... Bam! I see her get up.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I got a fake body
from Warner Brothers. Look just a real person.

I drag that
motherfucker out. "Come on, motherfucker."

Pull out a big knife.
"Shut the fuck up, God damn it."

"Mr. Cooper's killing people.
Oh, my God."

[IMITATES POLICE SIRENS]

They fuck with you.
I got a pool. I ain't never had a pool in my life.

I swim, they look at me
while I'm swimming and shit.

I swim butt naked
with baby oil on my body.

I am butt naked.
I see them looking.

I be on the diving board
butt naked.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You see them ladies
in the window.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I got speakers in my backyard.
I ain't never had that shit.

Speakers. You know, speakers?

I was watching porno movies
one day and I forgot to turn it off so it played all night.

White dude came by
the next day, "Jesus Christ.

"Fuck. I heard you
fucking all night.

"Ten hours? Come on.
Jesus Christ.

"Fuck. All night."

His wife came by the next day
with cookies and shit.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Hi, I'm Ellen from next door.

"You know, Jim works a lot.

"And by the way,
you are a great swimmer."

Fuck yeah. We can talk about
fucking, yeah.

I like fucking from the back.
That's the best.

Ain't it? Fucking from the...

I like when
that shit slip out though,

because women
get that little deer look.

"What? What happened?
What? What?"

"What?"

And men, we can never find
that shit again, can we?

"Wait a minute. I can't...

"Maybe it closed up."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Cut some of these
bushes down. Shit."

Women just get mad,
"God damn it."

I know Kid Capri be fucking.
Kid Capri fuck. You know he fuck.

He down on them turntables.
That's how he fuck.

He do that shit every day.
That's how he fuck.

Kid Capri have a lady at home,
he be like...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Coming up to the stage from
Los Angeles, California,

let's give it up
for Kivi Rogers.

Mark Curry, ya'll. Give it up.[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

What's up New York?AUDIENCE: What's up?

How many of ya'll...
I know you got cheap ass dads in here, huh?

Yeah. See, you going
to relate to this

'cause see,
my father was one of those "I'll make it for you" dads.

Which basically meant
he wasn't buying shit.

Everything I got was homemade

right down to my
Schlitz malt liquor beer can walkie-talkies, man.

You know that shit
didn't work.

You ever try
them walkie-talkies when you was a kid?

It's like yelling
your brains out, huh?

"Hey, can you hear me?"

Friends yell back, "What?"

Stupid ass children.
We used to go to school in the '70s

carrying lunch pails
had our favorite cartoon character on it

like Speed Racer, Scooby-Doo.

I wanted a lunch pail.
I said, "Daddy, will you buy me a lunch pail for school?"

He said, "Buy?
Boy, I'll make you a damn lunch pail."

My lunch pail was the empty
loaf of bread bag, ya'll.

Walking to school twirling
my damn lunch and shit.

Drew a little picture
of Scooby-Doo on that shit.

Ain't nothing in it
but a bologna sandwich, either.

He never bought
the pre-sliced bologna.

He just bought that
big ass log of bologna.

So you wait for him
to make your sandwich.

He went in the kitchen
and whacked off a hunk of meat, man.

Shit, your sandwich
is fat on one side and skinny on the other side.

Go take a bite and got
a mouth full of meat, huh?

Ain't nothing on it.
And I'm thinking

"Daddy, can I at least
get some mayo?"

He said,
"Yeah, may your last bite be as good as your first."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Sucker was cheap, man.
He never quit either.

Christmas time,
biggest time of the year.

Everybody got
roller derby skates.

You weren't shit
unless you got roller derbies.

The real ones though,
with the rubber wheels and the stopper on the toe.

Christmas morning,
we used to do 100 miles an hour on them skates.

Just flying.

Fall down
and bust our head. Pow!

"Oh, that ain't shit,
let's go."

Yeah, we didn't care
cause we didn't have helmets

and knee pads
back in them days.

We got fucked up
when we were little kids, didn't we?

You look at kids today.
They got pads everywhere.

Come in the house
with a scratch.

"Mommy,
I'm not gonna make it."

Shit, we walk in the house
with a limb hanging off, man.

Tell my momma,
"Squirt some Bactine on this, I gotta go play. Shit."

We was some tough-ass kids.
That's right, man.

[AUDIENCE CLAPPING]

And you couldn't have
those Street Kings either with the metal wheels.

Nobody played with your ass.

Kid walk up, "You can't play
with us cause you going to set somebody on fire

"with them sparks
coming off them things.

"Get out of here."
And he skate away. [IMITATING SKATING NOISE]

Yeah. Only one skate
cheaper than that. Who had them clamp-ons?

Had the little gold key
so you can adjust the shit for big foot or little foot.

Yeah, you skated by yourself
with clamp-ons, didn't you?

You couldn't keep up with
nobody because what happened,

you try to take off
and what happened the tip come off of one shoe.

"Wait up."

See, I wanted
real roller derbies and I went and said,

"Daddy, will you buy me some
roller derbies for Christmas?"

He said, "Buy? I'll make
you some damn roller derbies."

Christmas morning
I wake up with some homemade roller derbies

made out of
platform shoes, man.

Cheap ass.
Didn't even get real skate wheels.

Just took some gold wheels
off an old couch.

Yeah, easy to recognize me.

I'm the only one
skating down the street, just spinning around and...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

My name is Kivi.
You guys been cool. Thanks.

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

Kivi. It's Kivi Rogers.

Remember shopping
with your mother? Remember that shit?

You go shopping
with your mother. You mother give you that pre-speech

before you even
get out of the car. Remember that?

"Don't ask for nothing.
You do something,

"I beat your ass. Let's go."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And you fuck around
and get slapped

in a supermarket.
Remember that?

And you stand there
for like 20 minutes

cause you don't
even know what hit you. [IMITATES PUNCHES LANDING]

Moms never buy you
the good cereal. Hell no. Never buy you the good...

What was a good cereal?
Cap'n Crunch.

Never could get that shit.
Your mother buy that big ass

bag of puff wheat.
Remember that?

Big 150 pound bag
for like a dollar.

Shit don't even have a label.

Puffed wheat. Ingredients.
Puffed wheat, motherfucker.

Remember that? It tastes
like nothing. It tastes like styrofoam cups.

But one thing about them
motherfuckers filled your stomach up, didn't they?

Worst thing you could do
in the supermarket,

hit your mother in the back
of the heel with that cart.

Worst motherfucking thing
you could do.

Your mother cuss your ass out
like she didn't even know you.

"Don't hit me with that cart."
First thing you do.

"Oh, you little
black ass motherfucker.

"God... Get your ass out here.
Dumb ass motherfucker.

"6'2" in the eighth grade,
can't play a lick of ball.

"You goofy ass bastard.
I don't even know why you on the team motherfucker.

"Sixth grade reading level.
Nigga get your ass kicked every day in school.

"Punk ass bitch. Shit.
I ain't your real mama either, motherfucker."

All right.
Coming from your hometown New York, from Queens

let's give it up
for Leighann Lord.

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

Hello, everybody.
Let me introduce myself to you. My name is Leighann.

And it's got
an odd spelling to it.

It's spelled L-E-I-G-H-A-N-N.

Now, when you hear it,
you know that the "G" and "H" are silent,

but when I was in school
and teachers were taking attendance on the first day,

they didn't know.

You know,
teacher would get up there,

[CLICKS TONGUE]
"Uh, Kevin Jackson. Oh, very nice.

"Michael Kelly?
Oh, very good.

"Oh..."

[EXHALES]

"Legahan?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Now, my last name
is a lot easier to remember.

My last name is Lord. L-O-R-D.

Wonderful name to have, y'all.

Cause whenever anybody
tries to mess with me, I just say,

"Excuse me,
my name is Leighann Lord, I think you know my father."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I got to tell you, actually,
my parents are a little bit on the crazy side

cause they told me
if I had been born a boy,

they were gonna
name me Christian.

Right? I think if nothing else
this would have gotten me

just a little bit more respect
on the first day of school. Don't you think?

"Christian Lord?"

"Oh, yes, in the flesh,
good to be back, peace be with you."

Some people don't know this.
Actually, "Lord" is a west Indian name.

You know, my father's
side of the family is from Barbados and Trinidad.

All right. All right.[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

My mother's side
of the family is from Jamaica.

Yeah. All right. Oh, cool.[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

See I was actually
born in Jamaica, New York.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Gotcha.

I remember when
the OJ Simpson verdict came in.

Yeah, you know, I actually
heard white people say that they were so upset

and angry with the verdict
that they couldn't sleep.

Well, you know,
black people have had insomnia for 400 years.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Now, that we're all awake,
can't we all just get along?

I'll tell you it is
for me harder and harder to get along

cause I don't know
about you guys but republicans scare me.

Okay.

I'll tell you...

They talk about taking us back
to the good old days of traditional values.

[SCOFFS] I can hardly wait.

Back of the bus,
here I come.

I mean, think about this.
The most scary republican

I've ever heard of
is Jesse Helms, senator from North Carolina.

He said that we should cut
the amount of federal money we spend on AIDS

because it's only the ninth
leading cause of death.

I think senator helms should
consider himself real lucky

that the number one
leading cause of death isn't stupidity.

Cause, you know,
he said, and I quote "People get AIDS

"because of their deliberate,
disgusting and revolting conduct."

This from a man who smokes
unfiltered cigarettes.

This from a man who has eaten
so much pork in his lifetime

that he had to have
a quadruple bypass.

All right.[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

And... And he had to have
one of those heart valves

replaced with a heart valve
of a pig. Okay.

So I guess when he votes
on the senate floor...

[SNORTS ONCE] Means "yes,"
[SNORTS TWICE] Means "no."

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Thank you very much.

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

We need a movie
where black people don't die so early. Shit.

God damn. I saw Jurassic Park,

the brother got eaten
in the first two minutes of that motherfucker.

The credits was still rolling.
Theme music ain't even start yet.

[GOBBLING]

They could at least gave
the brotha some lines or something.

At least let him say,
"How you doing, mama?"

It's fucked up because
you know he told people he was in a movie.

"What's up, nigga. You know
I'm a be in Jurassic Park."

"Yeah, right on."

"But check it out,
you gotta get there early and shit, yeah.

"My shit up top.
I'm doing like this."

White people
get to the movie early though.

White people get to
the movie, hell, an hour ahead of time.

Choose the correct seats.
"One, two, three, four.

"This is the middle honey,
right here. Yeah."

They check where
the speakers are.

"Speakers are here.

"Sound should
hit us right about."

Do little stretches
before they sit down.

They know facts
and shit about the movie.

"You know, the movie
was filmed on location in Ireland. Yeah."

Black people walk in
eight minutes late.

"Kiki, Leroy,
where you guys at?"

"What movie is this?

"Oh. That's the wrong...
That's that dude though. We know him.

"He was in Scarface.
I can't remember his name."

All right. This next man
is from Atlanta, Georgia.

That's right. He's got
the same last name as me so you know he's raw.

He's back here
for a second time.

Let's give it up
for DC Curry.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING][HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

Glad to be here. Def Jam.
It's the real deal here.

Real-ass folk. I ain't got
to camouflage nothing.

I can just tell ya'll ass
exactly how the hell I feel.

I know I may not be young
as everybody else.

Matter of fact, I'm older
probably than most other folks in here, but I'm real.

Def Jamis a damn feeling.
I feel def jammy.

My ass is real.

I know what's going on.

I don't wear other shit
because I don't feel comfortable in it.

I know who my own old ass is.

And I'll stick to what
my old ass knows.

That's all I damn go for.

Ain't nothin' against
nobody else.

I know it's a sexual
revolution going on.

Ain't gonna throw my back
out of whack trying

to do some shit
some 17-year-old child invented.

I ain't gonna be
standing on my head and none of that shit.

I'm almost 40 years old.

I'm a freak,
but I'm a old ass freak.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And I stick...

I stick to my own
freaky limitations.

So don't be bringing
no hand cuffs to bed with me.

I been locked up before.
It ain't no sexy feeling.

It ain't no damn
sexy feeling.

Sex is the last thing

on your mind
when they marching your ass into the big house.

Don't bring no whips
and chains to my damn bedroom.

I wasn't a slave,
but I heard about the shit.

I know myself.
I know who I am.

Ain't no titles or nothing.

When you can look
at yourself at night and you're butt naked,

that's who the hell
your ass is.

I get naked sometimes
and get to know my own damn self.

I ain't got to go nowhere.

Sometimes I just
stay at the house, go in the den,

sit down and watch TV
butt naked.

It's my damn house.

I ain't got to damn
put on no clothes if I don't feel like it.

Sometimes I go in the kitchen,
make a sandwich,

take it into the dining room,
sit down at the head of the table

and eat dinner butt naked.

That's my damn dining room.

From time to time,
I go outside and work in the yard.

I be mowing the lawn,
washing the car.

The neighbors don't like it
too much, but I really don't give a shit.

That's my damn yard.

I ain't got to
put on no clothes if I don't feel like it.

You ought to get naked
every now and then

and get to know
your damn self.

You know cosmetology
and modern medicine

will let you hide yourself
from your own damn self.

Wear a whole lot of fancy shit
that abandons your heritage.

Long, silky hair hanging down
your back, when your daddy had hair like steel.

And your mama...

And your mama
had hair like wool.

That don't make silk,
that makes steel wool.

That's what your damn hair
ought to look like.

Your own damn self.

Get naked.

I'm just real.

I just be telling
the real damn deal.

That's why I don't
be knocking rappers.

Nine times out of 10
they telling the truth about the way life is.

Nine times out of 10.[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

So it ain't no shame.

It ain't no shame
if they saying what they saying.

If anything it's a shame
that they live in a society

that made their ass
feel like that.

That's the damn shame.

Usually they telling
the truth.

But I got to admit,
every now and then

one of them
go off the deep end.

Can't quite comprehend it.
I came up in the old school words meant something.

When the word "bitch"
meant something.

You could call a woman a bitch

but it wasn't
no friendly term.

You was cussing her ass out.

One word "bitch"
and she knew right away how you felt about her ass.

If somebody
cut you off in traffic,

you catch her at the light
and just roll your window down and holler "bitch."

She knew right away
how you felt.

You catch one of them now,
you roll your window down, you holler "bitch,"

she trying to figure out
where she know your ass from.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

That's the word.

I'm Don Curry.
Y'all be careful.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

DC Curry!

Rocking this motherfucker.
Yes!

It's time to bring on the man,
ladies and gentlemen.

Russell Simmons.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Thank you for coming out.
God bless you. Goodnight.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

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