All language subtitles for Def Comedy Jam s06e10.eng

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

KID CAPRI: Straight out of
New York City,

It's the Russell Simmons'
Def Comedy All-Star Jam.

Please welcome to the stage,
The Queen Latifah.

Yeah. Yeah.
Kid Capri.

Why'd you take
the record off?

Dang. I finally made it
to Def Jam.You know? [CHUCKLES]

Hey everybody.

AUDIENCE: Hey!What's up?

Got all the peeps
in the house.

I finally made it to Def Jam.
I get to curse and shit.

[VOCALIZES]

I ain't gonna get too
out of bounds and stuff.

I try to keep
my stuff positive. Y'all know.

'Cause one
day, know what I'm sayin',

I might wanna have kids one
day and I want my kids

to respect me for my
messages and stuff.

You know what I'm sayin'?[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

For real.

Like, could you imagine some
of these MC's today

if they was talkin'
to their kids?

Could you imagine
what the conversation would sound like?

Somethin' like,

"Yo boy, go over
there and talk to you moms."

"You buggin' out. I don't
know what she talkin' bout,

"she always tryin to get
me for my loot."

"Boy, I'm sick and tired
of you callin' your mother a ho.

"Okay? That's it. I don't
wanna hear you callin' your mother a ho no more.

"That bitch love you too much.

"You know what I'm sayin'?
For you to be disrespecting..."

Y'all laughed at my
first joke. Thanks.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

Yeah. Ha, ha. Yes.

I know everybody's like, "Yo,
what's up with the gun?"

I like havin' that shit.
No, no, no, no, no.

Hey, I figure like this.

If they can rob Rosa Parks,
who am I.

I'm keepin' it.

I don't need this.

Y'all don't need this,
and neither do I.

I'm thorough like that, see?

Takin' me some kickboxing
classes now.

'Cause you can't
always roll with a gun. You can't, think about it.

You cannot always
roll with a gun.

You go to the airport.
You can't take it.

It's no good.

See, I'm takin' me some
kick-boxing classes, see?

But see, I messed up,
'cause I went up there,

"Born in Newark, yo."

Tryin' to be all hard
and stuff, you know what I'm sayin'?

[CHUCKLES]

I went all up in there,
tryin' to be hard like,

yo, all right.
I'm kick-boxin'.

Ain't nobody gonna kick my
ass up in here today.

I seen me some
Bruce Lee before. I remember the moves.

We all grew up
on some Bruce Lee.

So then, they ask
me to spar, which is like the fight,

against this 4'11" white girl.

Now, you know.[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I was not havin' that.
Ain't no way. [MUMBLING]

Know what I'm saying?

I was like, "I'm about
to whoop her ass."

I'm like, "Little white
girl, I'm bout to whoop yo ass."

So then when I got up
off the floor...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Okay.

So I got me a little donut
from it you know.

She the one that inspired
that line,

"Punch, you dare not."

She punched me dead in my eye.

So, I know... For real
though. Tonight, we gonna bring on some comedians.

Some funny comedians,
people way funnier than myself.

But I got a laugh, so
I'm happy. One laugh, I'm straight. I'm good to go.

You know what I'm sayin'?
Y'all ready for some funny jokes or what!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Comin' straight out
of Houston, Texas.

He's been on here
twice before

and you know he rocked
it both times, so

to come on for a third time,
everybody in the house,

give it up for Billy D.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Y'all keep it goin'
for the Queen. Y'all clap your hands for the Queen.

Give it up for Queen Latifah.

I love black women, but
man, y'all,

black women are
jealous as hell, aren't you?

You just jealous. You don't
what kinda woman walk up to your man,

you wanna know
what the deal is, right?

She can be blind, crippled
and crazy,

you don't give a damn.
You wanna know what the deal is.

She can be just walking
up to him legs all pressed together

and she's like, "Can I get
a quarter."

Your woman be
lookin' at you goin', "So, uh, where do you know her from?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"She be all right, I kick
that ho in her leg."

And women don't forget
shit either.

You can be 10, 15
years down the line

and want your
woman to buy you a shirt

and she'll be like, "No, you
let Cripple Linda buy you a goddamn shirt."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And women are very confident
with their sexuality.

Very confident with
who you are and your sexuality, man.

'Cause like woman can
compliment each other

anatomically like
it's no big deal, right?

Like, one woman can walk
up to another woman and go,

you know, Gladys,

those sure are nice
breasts you got there.

So soft.

But yet so firm.

Could you imagine
two brothers doin' that?

You couldn't imagine
two brothers doin' that, man.

Can you imagine two niggas
in a bathroom, man?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Goin', "God damn, Larry."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Nigga, your nuts
are nicer than a motherfucker."

"So soft, but...

"Yet so firm."

Recently we have
been inundated with an influx of comics

that deem it necessary
to exploit vulgarity

or profanity in order
to appeal to a predominately black audience.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I, in turn,
and a firm believer

that comedy can be
acquired by being clean, clear, and concise.

If anybody agrees with me
say, "Go ahead Billy D."

AUDIENCE: Go Ahead Billy D.

Thus, I proceed.

[CLEARS THROAT]

So, I was butt fuckin' this
big bitch

Brenda in the of a bowling
alley in Brooklyn...

For a bologna sandwich.

Thank you very much everyone,
I'm Billy D.

Okay, tonight. Now
you know I'm here.

You know why am here
'cause I gotta introduce a female, in house tonight.

So rip it up for you.
It's time the ladies get a little somethin'.

Ladies in the house?[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

Yeah! Ladies, y'all
up in here?

We got Nick D up in here.
Yeah!

Tonight,

my girl is back
to rock this house for the third time.

Everybody in here...

I want y'all to give it up
for Yvette Wilson.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[VOCALIZES]

Yeah!

How y'all doin'?

Oh, God, look at all
these men. I love New York.

The Million Man March.
Oh, God.

Was you at? I was lookin'
at the TV like... [BREATHING HEAVILY]

They come in all colors.
Brothers come in all colors, like candy.

Candy.

You know I was happy, 'cause
I love me some men.

Am tired of all this
lady shit, y'all.

I'm tired of ladies night out
at the club. Uh-uh.

I want
rusty-neat-ashy-nut night.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I want dick just thick in
the club, right?

You gotta walk
by like this.

"Excuse me, bro."[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

'Cause I think men should
be treated as sexual beings that y'all are.

I don't think that you should
have to make these decisions that you makin'.

I want my man home naked
in an apron.

[AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS]

'Cause I only like two
kind of men.

Either he gotta
be really paid, or I want his ass broke.

'Cause I talk shit like
a man.

I know one with the gold
makes the rules, right?

I tell 'em quick, "Hey, get
yo ass in the car. Let's go."

Where we goin'?
Shut up. Just ride.

And who told you,
you could wear that shirt with them shoes?

[CHUCKLES]

You know men
talk that shit to us, don't they?

But it's a certain kinda man.
I don't like soft men.

I'm sorry fellas, if you
real gentle,

I ain't fuckin' with you.

I'm serious. 'Cause that
smooth approach, it just don't work for me.

You know how they
come up to you like, yeah, you know, baby.

You is lookin' good.
Maybe we take a walk over here.

[VOCALIZES]

This is why I like
New York. 'Cause brothers come hard.

They come hard to you.
This brother just stepped to me.

He was like, "Uh, look here.
Look here."

"Excuse me, yo girl.

"Come here. You know I
usually don't approach a bitch of your caliber, but...

"I wonderin' if we
do somethin'?"

I'm like, "Okay."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Cause I do. I test a brother
on the first date.

It test him to see if he's
soft 'cause I ain't gonna fuck with you.

We eatin' right? He
talkin'. I'm talkin'.

All in the middle of
the conversation I say, "Nigga what?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

If that motherfucker jump,

I ain't fuckin' with him.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I had a brother though,

I'ma tell y'all about
my little domestic shit.

I had, I ain't gonna try
to act like I ain't never been there.

I had a brother...

You know, he was a little
rough. I liked his ass 'cause he didn't work.

You know, but when they
don't work, they got more time to be at home practicin'.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I didn't mind that
he didn't work.

Except for one night I came
home from doin' comedy.

You know, it's two
in the morning, I'm happy.

I gone did my little joke
thing, "Hey baby, I'm home."

I hear, "Shut the fuck
up. I'm tryin' to sleep."

I said, "No, that ain't that
broke motherfucker."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Ain't like he
gotta go to work.

So I go upstairs, 'cause
I figure it must be the TV, right?

I'm lookin' around.
I'm lookin' around.

He said, "Shut the fuck up
Yvette. I'm tryin' to sleep.

"Don't make me get up
and bust yo ass."

I say, "What?" So I start
lookin' under the bed and in the closet.

He said, "What the fuck you
lookin' for?"

I said, "Your motherfuckin'
mind, 'cause you must've lost in here."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Y'all seen that. Shit.
That motherfucker jumped up like Muhammad Ali

"I'm gonna have
to hit yo ass now."

The ghetto just came up
outta me. "Nigga and?"

He punched the shit
outta my ass too. Pow!

I came back, yo!

[IMITATES LAUGH]

You hit like a bitch.

Now, you want some shit,
call a black man a bitch.

That voice go up about
four octaves. "What the fuck you call me?"

[CHUCKLES] You know it do.
Four octaves, right?

He say, "I'm
a fuck you up now." Swung again y'all.

I just slipped it and said,
"Oh, uh-uh.

"Ain't nobody hit nobody,
so one punch minimum in this motherfucker, okay?"

He said, "You just gonna pull
a gun on me."

I said, "Yeah, that's right.
Get yo ass out."

"I'm in my drawers,
lemme get my house shoes and my robe."

I said, "No
nigga, I bought that. Let's go."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Oh, you just gonna put a
brother out in his drawers?" I say,

"I bought them motherfuckers,
too. Take them off, let's go."

I put him out and his
momma gonna call me. His momma?

She done call me,
"Why you put my baby out?"

Bitch, same reason you did.
Wasn't working out.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Yeah, y'all laughin'.

Y'all laughin', but I went
into dick withdrawal. [CHUCKLES]

I started missing him.
Calling. You know, calling his momma's house.

But she kept answering, so I
had to hang up?

And I'm calling and she
answering and I hang up

and she gonna
star-69 me.

"Did you just call here?"
Bitch, did I say anything?

Then I must not wanna
talk to you.

Tell your son, call me.

He gonna call me,

"You call here? Whatcha want?"

I said, "I don't want you."
'Cause it's hard to ask your man back

when you
put him out by gunpoint.

You just can't say,
"Oops. I was just trippin'."

So, I tell him, know, "Come
get your shit. I don't want you.

"Just come get your
shit, okay?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Y'all know he came
too, right? Mad!

He gonna ring the
doorbell with attitude. [IMITATES DOOR BELL]

So I open the door
with attitude.

He gonna look around,
where is everything? Where my shit at?

Where is it? I said, I'm
supposed to pack it too? It's in the room.

He walked in there, y'all.
You know I put the deadbolt on and followed his ass.

[CHUCKLES]

He in the room
like, "I don't see my shit. Where my shit at?

"What did I forget?
What did I forget?"

I just pulled it out.
[IMITATES COCKING A GUN]

"You forgot to leave
the dick."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"You just gonna take
the dick from a nigga?"

[IMITATES CRYING]

I said, "Shut yo ass up,
you're fucking with my concentration."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I love you New York.
Peace out.

Yo. Coming straight
outta Brooklyn, New York.

You've seen him here
three times as well.

You know what I'm sayin'.

Now he back to do it
again. I just saw him last week in a comedy store

and he was mad funny.

So, I know you about
to get it on tonight.

Everybody in the house, give
it up for Reggie McFadden.

Whuzzup, baby?
How y'all doin' New York.

AUDIENCE: Good!

Oh, man. I gotta
move off my block.

All these crackhead
prostitutes walking around.

You ever see these women?
These women scare me, man.

They be on the corner with
high heels-high heels on.

Same clothes they've been
wearing ever since they got hooked on crack.

You know, shakin',
trying to look sexy.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

What guy be
drivin' by and say,

"That's the one
I want right there."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Too much... Too much crack
is goin' on, man.

My fuckin'... Fuckin'
neighbor's a crackhead.

You know, he own the house.

He's like a crackhead
with property.

Motherfucker being on
the porch smokin'

crack thinking it's lemonade
or something.

And he has the nerve to talk
to me while I'm walking down the block.

He's smokin'
crack, He's like, [INHALING]

"How's work?

"They keepin' you busy?"

You know, I don't know what
to say to him like,

"How's that crack going?"

The pipe staying hot?

Stay the fuck away
from my house.

I can't believe this, you
know? Only thing I like about crackheads

is that you can make them
work. You ever make them work? You ever do that?

They good workers too,
don't they?

Work for cheap, too.

Like, "Hey crackhead,
come here. Nigga, yeah you, nigga. Come here."

Here, sweep this shit up.

"I'll give you a dollar,
you know."

He do it, too. He
do a good job too.

Well, I don't pay him.
You know.

And they be like,
"I wanna get that dollar you said you give me."

I didn't tell you to do that.

Nigga you high, man.

You're fucked up? Crackhead.
Get the fuck off my property.

I didn't tell
you to do that.

What? Give you some more
money so you can buy more crack?

Get the fuck outta here.
Get outta here.

Get the fuck out of here.

Hey you crackhead,
come here.

Dude, come here. I want you
to paint this right here.

Nigga, I'm gonna give
you money, man.

I feel sorry for
crackheads, 'cause like,

crack isn't
a social drug. You know?

Like when you smoke
crack, you only smoke that shit like

in a dark alleyway,
under a bridge,

in the subway somewhere.

Nobody want to be around
anybody smoking crack. You know?

Like weed? Weed
is a social drug.

You ever walk into a party
and smell weed in the air? You know...

You walk
into a party like,

"Man, somebody is smoking
some weed up in here.

"Smell that?
Somebody's smokin' some good shit."

And you can stay and have
a good time, you know? But if you smell crack,

it is time to go.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Party over.

Even the guy
smoking weed get mad. He be like, [INHALES]

"Man, I didn't know
they were gonna be using drugs up in here."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

This is ridiculous.
I ain't come in for this shit.

Yo, he comes back
with the cops, "There he is right there."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[INHALING AND COUGHING]

You should be ashamed
of yourself.

I shoulda killed you man!

Take him away.

I'm getting me
something to eat.

[MUMBLES]

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, man.

I saw this guy
today getting arrested today. That was kinda funny.

Anybody watch people
get arrested?

I like that shit.

You know, you can
do that, you know. You can just stand there.

You know...

And I'm watching this
guy get arrested,

and he mad at me that I'm
watching him get arrested.

As I'm sitting there, they
put the cuffs on him, he's lookin' at me like,

"What the fuck you
lookin' at?"[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I said, "I'm lookin' at
your ass go to jail."

You know, he was a white guy,
too. I love to see white people get arrested, you know.

The white people
always be trying to talk their way out.

They'll be like, "Wait, wait!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Wait!"

"Wait!"

"Wait! Wait!"

"This is ridiculous!"

This is how I use those
big words. "This is preposterous!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"This is
supercalafragilistic."

And why
is that nigga lookin' at me?

Why's it gotta be all that?

That's why I like to watch
Cops.That's like, my favorite show.

You ever watch that show?AUDIENCE: Yeah!

I love Cops,man.

I like Cops'cause
everybody is always running on Cops,you know.

Everybody's always running.
The criminal's running.

The cameraman be running.[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And the cameraman be right
on the criminal, too, right?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And the thief be lookin'
at the camera.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Damn!

Listen, that's my time.
My name's Reggie McFadden. I'll see y'all later!

I love you all. Peace!

[AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS]

Yeah!

Give it up
for Reggie McFadden, y'all.

[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

Damn!

I love that.

Right about now, it's that
time to bring out the man

who makes it all
possible, everybody.

Russell Simmons
in the house.

[AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS]

Thank you very much.

Thank you all for
coming out. God bless you. Good night.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

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