All language subtitles for Def Comedy Jam s06e09.eng

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

KID CAPRI: Straight out
of New York City,

it's the Russell Simmons'
Def Comedy All Star Jam!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Put your hands
together for my man, Mr. Dave Chappelle.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Yeah.

Yes, everybody.

Welcome back to
the new season of Def Comedy Jam.

It's good to be back
in New York.

Y'all probably
didn't miss me.

I was out in L.A.

I'm going to say this,
man, I'm not too fond of that city.

Yeah, you know New York
got some angry brothers.

Look at y'all.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

But L.A., they took it
to a new level.

They will sit in
a fucking comedy club... In a comedy club like this...

The whole crowd looked like
them two motherfuckers

that sit in the balcony
on the Muppet show, just angry as shit.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

They would only laugh,
you know, if I said something mean and disgusting.

I'd be on stage all,

"Um, so I, uh...

"Kicked her in the pussy."
[IMITATES LAUGHTER, WHIMPERS IN FEAR]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

It was a rough night.

I mean, you know,
I'm a professional,

I won the crowd
over eventually

but then,
I lost them again, bro.

One joke.

I said a Jheri curl joke.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND APPLAUDING]

The whole crowd
got quiet.

All I could hear was
drip, drip, drip, drip.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND APPLAUDING]

Which I know you guys
are gonna...

You know, I'm not taking
away from your shit, y'all angry, too.

You guys need to laugh.
That's why they shoot Def Jamin New York.

This city will squeeze
the fucking happiness right out of your body.

Damn.

I moved to New York
five years ago, I was happy as shit.

I was excited
about the world. [GASPS]

"New York City at last!"

[INHALES SHARPLY]

"Damn."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"This whole bus station
smells like piss."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Well, maybe it'll clear up
when I get outside."

Every two blocks I smelled
some shit I have never smelled before in my life.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

This city is hard, man.
You know, look,

I'm scared of squirrels now.
What the fuck is that?

Did y'all know squirrels
aren't supposed to walk right up to you like that?

In New York, squirrels nasty,
just kind of...

[IMITATES
SQUIRREL CHATTERING]

Like, I got that cereal
on me or something, you know?

Squirrels representing, kids.

It's sick, man.
Y'all know what squirrels eat?

Anyone know?

Anyone? Nuts?
That's what I thought, nuts.

You know what I saw
a squirrel eating in the Village?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

A fucking Egg McMuffin.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

How do you go from nuts
to pork and cheese and...

Look at what you guys
have done to nature.

The birds in New York
don't even fly.

They can,
they just don't.

You ever run up
behind one? [SCREAMS, GASPS]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND APPLAUDING]

The state of racial tension
is out of control.

L.A. got it bad, they really,
they're really bitter about the O.J. thing.

I have never seen white people
so bent out of shape before in my life.

[IMITATING WHITE MAN]
"What? How'd that happen?"

Like they just figured out
the justice system was fucked up.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

You know what I mean?

We have...

We have jails...

Every prison is filled
with niggers, just overcrowded with niggers.

One motherfucker
gets away, "Hey!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"We got to take a look
at the justice system!

"It's not working!"

I, I'll be honest, the O.J.
trial bothered me.

I don't think it bothered me
for the same reasons.

You know what really
threw me off about that whole O.J. thing?

I didn't know they kept
those 911 tapes so long.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Damn, it makes you
not want to call for help if they're taping shit.

You don't want
to call 911 panicking,

lose your dignity,

and something bad happen
to you, they just play it on the news, you know.

"We have a copy
of Dave Chappelle's frantic 911 call."

"Hello, 911."

"Help motherfucker, help,
they're coming to get me!"

"Relax sir, where are you?"
"Please send help!

"I'll suck your dick,
anything, I just don't want to die!"

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Look...

I do not need
that kind of publicity.

But you can't call 911
all cool and relaxed and shit.

How, how do you do that,
call all cool in a crisis situation?

"Hi, 911?"

"Yeah, there's a group
of hooded white men outside of my house and...

"Well, it looks like
they mean business."

"Get out here, nigger."
"Oh, gotta go...

"Hurry." [LAUGHS]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

No, no, no, no, no, no.

We got to stop...
We got to stop being angry.

There's some
good things happening.

You notice they try
to make good things bad things sometimes?

Don't you hate that?

The Million Man March
was a beautiful thing.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

That was...

It was a million black
dudes stepping on each other's sneakers

and just, "Go ahead,"
just chilling. It was...

It was peaceful.

The media just
make it look horrible.

They scared the shit out
of white people.

They reported
the whole march like it was just

a flash point
of a race riot waiting to happen.

"We have Mike Johnson
on the street for action news.

"Mike, what do you see?"

"Billy, these niggers
are buying buttons and T-shirts like crazy.

"This could be it...

"Kate, if I don't
make it, I love you."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"I'll be here
as long as it takes."

Nothing happened.

Nothing.

What'd they say?
You watch the news after the march?

Remember what they said?
This shit killed me.

"There was no trash
after the march."

When the fuck have
they ever said that after a march before?

What they think
we were going to do, leave chicken bones

and shit all over Washington?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Well, white people were
alarmed because it came on the heels of that O.J. thing,

but see, white people
have us misunderstood.

If there's a white guy
flipping through the channels,

and he thinks he's
turned onto a black meeting at C-SPAN...

Don't turn.

See, I'm going to tell you
why you might have noticed

black people
are a little cocky.

It has nothing to do
with O.J.,

and I'll tell you what
it is, white America,

'cause I'm a snitch.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Look at these
brothers in the audience

and you see a knowing
look in their eye,

and I'm going to tell you
what they know.

Black people have figured out

that there's a hole
in the ozone layer.

[AUDIENCE MEMBER
LAUGHS LOUDLY]

Our skin is protected.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND APPLAUDING]

[CHUCKLING] Now...

Yeah, now, now, don't
hate me because I'm the bearer of bad news...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

...but pretty soon
white people might have to move underground.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND APPLAUDING]

And that's going to be
a living hell for you

because all you'll hear
for the rest of the time is niggas feet dancing.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Ever since we came down here,
it's been party after party."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[LAUGHS]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND APPLAUDING]

Sometimes you got to let
the jokes sit for a minute...

Simmer.

You know, it'll be
long after I'm dead when people appreciate

what I really did tonight,
and that's good.

And I see some
white people here.

I would like to be
the first to say welcome.

See, you won't see this
anywhere but New York. You know why?

New York, we don't have
racism the same way.

We have it,
it's just different because we live too close together

to hate each other.

It's too exhausting.
You can't hate that many people.

We walking down
the street, "Nigger.

"Nigger, nigger,
nigger, nigger. Nigger all over the place."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND APPLAUDING]

Smith and Wesson,
where you at?

[AUDIENCE MEMBER SCREAMS]

There, what's up?

Man, nigger, I thought
you gonna jump, nigga hollering and shit.

CHAPPELLE: You all right?[INAUDIBLE]

CHAPPELLE: There it is.

Well, I wish
I was a rapper.

You rappers be careful,
boy, they out to get you.

They are. You hear
what they say. They act like it's your music

that's getting
police killed,

when we all know
it's Mark Fuhrman.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Yeah man, you know,
it's them angry brothers

got one too many
rectum search.

Policeman... Hey look,
I'm a little bitter myself, I got arrested two weeks ago.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I was detained.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Apparently I fit
a description.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

We all know how that is.
Any of y'all ever been in a police lineup before?

Some unnerving shit.

I was in a lineup,
I couldn't help but think, wait a minute.

All these guys do look
a little bit like me.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I was trying to change
my face and shit.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND APPLAUDING]

I'm going to tell you
something, folks,

we all just look around
this room, we see

black people come
in many shades.

This next comedienne
comes in one of them.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I've had the pleasure
of working with her around New York city.

She been making
a hell of a name for herself.

Give her all your love, man,
I love her to death.

From Manhattan, Maija,
ladies and gentlemen.

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

Uh-hey.

How's everybody doing?AUDIENCE: A'ight.

Look at me.
I'm half Italian and I'm half black.

Tired of trying to be
down with both,

I don't know whether
to steal a car, or steal a car and get busted.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I put collard greens on pizza,

hot sauce on baked ziti.

The other day, I had
a sweet potato cannoli.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I joined a support group
for black people that look like me.

Everybody was fucked up.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

There was a girl there,
half Korean, half black,

Byong-Seuk Washington.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Bought a Korean market,
follows herself around the store.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I saw her on TV the other
day giving shout-outs on Video Music Box.[GROANS]

"I'd like to give a shout-out
to my mom, Ping Lau, back in Brownsville.

"Hey yo, Ma!"
[EXCLAIMS]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND APPLAUDING]

Another guy,
half Jewish, half black, Tyrone Bergenstein.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Lives in the projects,
but he owns the building.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND APPLAUDING]

Half Arab, half black,
Punjab Jones,

cab driver, won't take
himself home.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND APPLAUDING]

Half Mexican, half Jamaican.

AUDIENCE: Oh...

Rolls a burrito like this.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND APPLAUDING]

It's fucked up.

And you see, my family
is really fucked up because my father's Italian.

Everybody knows,
in the Italian family,

the man is always
a strong-arm.

The strong-arm always
has the last word.

My father was married
to a black woman.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

So when that strong-arm
was broken in six places...

His last words were,
"Help Jesus, the bitch is crazy."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Because black women
are truly the strongest women on this planet.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

I know, because
I got fucked up the other day.

[LAUGHS]

I came into the fight like
a strong black woman,

got hit, turned into
a wailing white woman.

It was like, "Come on![THUDS]

[WAILING]

"Time out. Time out."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Fucked up.

It's true, black
is so powerful.

No matter what
you mix it with, it will always change it.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]It's true.

You put a black person
with an Italian, you'll get a Puerto Rican.

Put a Puerto Rican person
with a black person, you get a Dominican.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Put a Mexican with a Haitian,
you get deported.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And I tried being
Puerto Rican, I did,

because I love
Puerto Rican people.

Because to me...

Any Puerto Ricans
in the house? Puerto Rico!

[SOME AUDIENCE
MEMBERS APPLAUDING]

I went out and I found
myself a fine, fine, fine Puerto Rican man,

this man was fine.

But I had a bad
experience with him.

I told him to make
love to me like a real Puerto Rican

and he cut me.
[EXCLAIMS]

But that's okay
because I want a black man anyway.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Because black men are
the finest men on this Earth.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

You know it's true.
You think I'm here for comedy?

Fuck Def Jam,I'm looking
for Def Dick. [LAUGHS]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

That O.J. shit
didn't scare me.

Give me black
or give me death.

The only thing a white man
can show me is where a black man went.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

And I don't even want
a light skinned man.

What am I going to do
with a light skinned man? Make albino babies?

Oh, no. No, I want
me a dark chocolate, peezy headed,

black, ashy,
buck timba shaka.

I want to feel the funk.
I want to hear jungle drums in the background.

I want to wake up
speaking Swahili.

He'll say,
"Good morning Maija,"

I'll say...
[ULULATES]

That's right.

I want me a slam-dunkin',
Lexus-driving, baby-mother-dodging,

don't-call-me-collect
motherfucker!

Thank you.
Good night.

Uh, I think
my penis is hard.

[EXCLAIMS]

Damn, that was funny.

"Babies-mother-dodging,"
she said.

Let's all just take
a moment and think about that for a minute.

God damn it.

You ever get in a cab
with an African cab driver?

African cab drivers do not
dig black Americans at all.

[IN AFRICAN ACCENT]
"Get out of my cab, you diluted fuck."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

[IN NORMAL ACCENT]
"Easy, motherfucker."

You know, they make you feel
all bad about yourself.

[IN AFRICAN ACCENT]
"Your nose is weak.

"Look at my nose.

"It is strong."

"In the African sun,
you would shrivel like a raisin."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I love comedy
so fucking much.

Let's keep the show
rolling right along.

I just want to see
more and more, so let's keep it going.

This next comedian is from
Boston, Massachusetts,

but he's been representing in
New York for quite some time.

He's back to do it again.

Please welcome my man
Drew Fraser, ladies and gentlemen.

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

One... One, two, one, two.
How y'all feeling?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

That's good, good, good.
Give it up for yourselves, y'all looking so good.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Especially the ladies.
Well fellas, check this out.

Is it me, or...
You ever notice that girls who have really short,

short, short,
short, short hair

always got pictures
of how long their hair used to be?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

You know what I'm saying?
You go over they house,

they got a whole photo album
of the way they were.

Bitch, I ain't got time
for memory lane.

Bitch, I got things to do.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Well, a lot of racism
at an all-new high now.

Everybody talking about
white people this and white people that.

But I'm going to
tell y'all right now, I like white people.

Oh, yeah, I like white people.
I like shopping at white people stores

because white people
got cash registers.

Ring your shit right up,
you see exactly how much you owe.

You go to
a black people store,

they ain't got no
cash registers. What they got?

They got a nigger
behind a counter with a pen and a pad,

and be estimating your shit,

and then look at you
to see if you agree.

"You got some bread
and some cheese,

"your shit
comes up to 28.95."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Twenty-six?"

Now, you be like,
"Yeah, that's about right.

"Damn, taxes are motherfucker
in this store."

Another thing about
white people store.

White people got surveillance
cameras in they store.

Surveillance cameras
see all down the aisle.

You ever go to a nigga store,
he ain't got no surveillance camera, what he got?

He got a nigger sitting
on top of a ladder

that be looking down
the aisle.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Yo, yo, go see what they
doing around the corner, I can't see them from here."

Nigga ain't got nothin'
high tech in his store.

And I like going
to white people house and use they phone.

Oh yeah, because white people
got a phone in every room.

You go to nigga house,
he got one phone,

but he got that long ass chord
attached to that motherfucker

so the phone can
reach into every room.

But nine times out of ten,
the cord's got a short in the motherfucker,

so you got to talk and hold
the motherfucker to... "Hey, hello?

"Hello, are you there?

"I can't hear you, hello?"

"Nigga, shut
the fuck up, nigga.

"Hello nigga,
I got things to do. I'm trying to make a call.

"Nigga, nigga."

Nigga shit just fucked up.

The one thing about
white folks...

You ever notice that when
white people go on vacation,

they come back home,
they house be broken into?

Always on TV.
"We got robbed.

"We went on vacation
and we was robbed."

That's because white people
don't know how to go on vacation.

White people pack
to go on vacation at twelve o'clock noon,

come outside, and tell
everybody they business.

"We're going to Europe!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"Be back in two weeks!
Send you a postcard."

Not niggas. Ha!

We pack three,
four o'clock in the morning

and we sneak off
the block.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND APPLAUDING]

We ain't telling nobody shit.

And when we leave,
we're leaving a light on,

the TV running,
the stereo on.

We ain't let nobody
know we gone.

We leave a message
on the machine,

make motherfuckers think
we still home.

"I'm in the shower,
call me right back."

Nigga be down south.[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

We ain't telling
nobody shit.

And when white people
go on vacation,

they spend two,
three hundred dollars to put they dog in a kennel.

Not niggas.

We tie the dog up
in the basement,

leave his ass a weeks' worth
of food and water,

and if he eat the food
in one day,

he going to be hungry
for six more days.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND APPLAUDING]

Come back home,
the dog is skinny as fuck.

[BARKS]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Dog be arguing
with your ass. "Ruff, ruff!"

"Motherfucker, you knew
I was going on vacation.

"You shouldn't have ate
all the food in one day,

"you should have
paced yourself."

"Motherfucker, you knew
I had things to do."

Another thing about
white people.

White people spend all kind
of money on dog food.

Be buying all kind of
Alpo, Ken-L-Ration, racing, Kibbles 'n Bits...

Shit, back when... Y'all know
when we were growing up,

dog food was whatever was
left over the dinner table,

that was dog food.

Nigga dogs eating chitlins,

fat back, pork back,
ham and cheese, peanut butter and jelly,

Snickers bar, M&M's,

Ho Hos, Ring Dings,
Hostess cupcakes, Pop-tarts, cereal.

Whatever we eat,
that's what he eats.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

And if we don't eat,
the dog don't motherfuckin' eat.

That's why a nigga dog
be in the backyard

shitting all the time,
because he can't digest

the people food
we fed his ass.

Nigga dog
be in the yard... [GRUNTS]

"Now they know
I can't digest no spaghetti."

"That's why...
That's why I don't watch the house.

"I just let anybody
break into this motherfucker

"because they won't feed me
the right food."

[GRUNTS]

"My shit
is fucked up."

Thank you.

Give yourselves
a round of applause

because the audience,
you make the show.

Russell, thanks for
making it happen, brother.

I should give you
a shout-out.

I had fun, man.

Thank you all
for coming out. God bless you, good night.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

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