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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:05,657 --> 00:00:07,307 [THEME MUSIC PLAYING] 2 00:00:07,355 --> 00:00:08,915 KID CAPRI: Straight out of New York City, 3 00:00:08,965 --> 00:00:12,525 it's the Russell Simmons' Def Comedy All Star Jam. 4 00:00:33,337 --> 00:00:35,597 Put your hands together for my man, 5 00:00:35,644 --> 00:00:38,784 Mr. Jamie Foxx. 6 00:00:42,433 --> 00:00:45,263 Come on. Come on. Come on. Come On. 7 00:00:45,306 --> 00:00:49,916 Come on. Come On. Come on. Come On. 8 00:00:49,962 --> 00:00:52,442 [HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING] 9 00:01:02,192 --> 00:01:05,502 Whoo! Yeah, what's up? 10 00:01:05,543 --> 00:01:07,553 Make some noise, baby. 11 00:01:07,589 --> 00:01:09,069 Make some noise. 12 00:01:16,598 --> 00:01:18,818 I know that cost some money. 13 00:01:18,861 --> 00:01:20,341 Here, hold this. You hold this. 14 00:01:20,384 --> 00:01:22,134 Now I'm going to watch your ass, too. 15 00:01:23,083 --> 00:01:24,393 How y'all doing? 16 00:01:24,432 --> 00:01:28,262 When I say, "Hey", you say, "Ho." Hey. 17 00:01:28,305 --> 00:01:30,125 AUDIENCE: Ho.Hey. 18 00:01:30,177 --> 00:01:32,527 AUDIENCE: Ho.When I say "Want some", you say "More." 19 00:01:32,570 --> 00:01:33,750 Want some.AUDIENCE: More. 20 00:01:33,789 --> 00:01:35,309 Want some.AUDIENCE: More. 21 00:01:35,356 --> 00:01:37,096 [STAMMERS] "More?" 22 00:01:37,140 --> 00:01:38,660 You're like, "Want some more." 23 00:01:42,885 --> 00:01:44,055 [IMITATING WHITE MAN] "Yeah. 24 00:01:45,453 --> 00:01:47,673 "Boy, you really do it. Son of a bitch." 25 00:01:48,369 --> 00:01:49,369 [LAUGHS] 26 00:01:51,241 --> 00:01:53,551 "Son of a bitch." 27 00:01:53,591 --> 00:01:56,421 It's good to see white people smiling and everything. It's cool. 28 00:01:56,464 --> 00:01:58,774 Give it up for the white people. Y'all brave motherfuckers. 29 00:02:01,251 --> 00:02:04,521 'Cause after that O.J. shit they was madder than a motherfucker, wasn't they? 30 00:02:04,559 --> 00:02:05,999 "This is an outrage! 31 00:02:06,952 --> 00:02:08,692 "Son of a fucking orange." 32 00:02:09,607 --> 00:02:10,697 [CHUCKLES] 33 00:02:10,739 --> 00:02:12,919 "Fucking orange juice. 34 00:02:12,958 --> 00:02:14,868 "Juicy." 35 00:02:14,917 --> 00:02:16,747 Y'all was turning in your Hertz Rent A Cars 36 00:02:16,788 --> 00:02:18,528 and everything. "I don't want this shit. 37 00:02:20,749 --> 00:02:22,009 "Fucking juicy." 38 00:02:22,968 --> 00:02:24,448 [CHUCKLES] 39 00:02:24,492 --> 00:02:25,932 And brothers was partying like a motherfucker. 40 00:02:25,971 --> 00:02:28,761 "O.J.!" 41 00:02:28,800 --> 00:02:30,670 Trip. Trip. Trip. Give it up for ya... 42 00:02:30,715 --> 00:02:32,015 I just got back from Africa. 43 00:02:33,109 --> 00:02:35,199 Give it up, baby. 44 00:02:35,242 --> 00:02:37,722 Give it up, baby. Come on, now. 45 00:02:37,766 --> 00:02:40,026 Give it up. Give it up. 46 00:02:41,465 --> 00:02:43,465 [BEATBOXES] 47 00:02:47,776 --> 00:02:49,816 [AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG] 48 00:02:52,737 --> 00:02:54,037 And that's just in the airport. 49 00:02:55,827 --> 00:02:57,787 They be getting it, man. 50 00:02:57,829 --> 00:02:59,439 They be getting it. And the music over there... 51 00:02:59,483 --> 00:03:01,533 [VOCALIZING] 52 00:03:03,835 --> 00:03:04,835 Come on. 53 00:03:04,880 --> 00:03:05,880 [CONTINUES VOCALIZING] 54 00:03:07,012 --> 00:03:08,492 [EXCLAIMS] 55 00:03:09,624 --> 00:03:11,104 Make you want to hunt, boy. 56 00:03:12,844 --> 00:03:15,114 Africa, man. Africa. 57 00:03:15,151 --> 00:03:18,071 But you know it's crazy because over in Africa, they've got drive-bys now. 58 00:03:18,110 --> 00:03:21,030 Ain't that some shit? Drive-bys in Africa. 59 00:03:21,070 --> 00:03:22,990 Ain't that some shit? Only they do it different over there. 60 00:03:23,028 --> 00:03:25,158 They be like... [MIMICS ENGINE RUNNING, TIRES SCREECHING] 61 00:03:25,205 --> 00:03:26,945 [MIMES BLOWING DART, ENGINE RUNNING] 62 00:03:29,339 --> 00:03:30,379 [IN AFRICAN ACCENT] Did we get him? 63 00:03:31,776 --> 00:03:35,296 I'm hauling 187... No, just kidding. 64 00:03:35,345 --> 00:03:37,255 But you know, drive-bys are crazy over here too, man. 65 00:03:37,304 --> 00:03:39,524 We've got to like start talking to these kids, you know, and stuff. 66 00:03:39,567 --> 00:03:42,307 Try to, you know, get them back on the path and stuff. 67 00:03:43,701 --> 00:03:47,011 Because drive-bys are getting crazy, man. 68 00:03:47,052 --> 00:03:48,492 'Cause I was in L.A., man, and they, 69 00:03:48,532 --> 00:03:50,142 you know, they shot at this guy, you know, 70 00:03:50,186 --> 00:03:52,276 'cause they thought he was throwing up gang signs. 71 00:03:52,319 --> 00:03:55,369 But you know he was just signing. 72 00:03:55,409 --> 00:03:57,279 No, I'm serious. He was talking. 73 00:03:57,324 --> 00:03:59,594 As he was talking to somebody, he was like... He was deaf. 74 00:03:59,630 --> 00:04:01,810 And the brothers thought he was throwing up gang signs so they shot at him. 75 00:04:01,850 --> 00:04:02,940 Ain't that fucked up? 76 00:04:02,981 --> 00:04:04,201 Shot at him. And he's just talking, 77 00:04:04,244 --> 00:04:07,994 "You know what I had said was... 78 00:04:08,030 --> 00:04:09,210 "No. No. I said..." [MIMICS GUNSHOT] 79 00:04:09,249 --> 00:04:10,289 "Hey! 80 00:04:10,337 --> 00:04:12,297 "What the fuck, man? 81 00:04:12,339 --> 00:04:13,779 "You shooting? 82 00:04:13,818 --> 00:04:16,078 "That's bullshit, man. 83 00:04:18,997 --> 00:04:20,517 "That's some bullshit. 84 00:04:21,609 --> 00:04:23,129 "I know they not tripping. 85 00:04:28,355 --> 00:04:30,915 "You better blow that shit out." 86 00:04:30,966 --> 00:04:32,226 [CHUCKLES] 87 00:04:32,272 --> 00:04:34,272 Man. But you know it's crazy. You know... 88 00:04:34,317 --> 00:04:35,967 And guys I want to tell you this, you know, 89 00:04:36,014 --> 00:04:38,064 start respecting, you know, your women and everything. 90 00:04:38,103 --> 00:04:39,583 Fellas, respect your women. 91 00:04:42,369 --> 00:04:44,149 Respect your women. 92 00:04:44,196 --> 00:04:46,236 And be respectful. Ladies, you be respectful 93 00:04:46,286 --> 00:04:48,106 because y'all... Look at you. Y'all don't even want... 94 00:04:49,811 --> 00:04:51,941 Go on and clap. Be respectful. 95 00:04:51,987 --> 00:04:54,557 'Cause that's what happened with all that O.J. shit... You know, 'cause it was... 96 00:04:54,598 --> 00:04:57,118 The fact of it is, is that if somebody seeing somebody else 97 00:04:57,166 --> 00:04:59,336 or somebody's dating somebody, you let them know. 98 00:04:59,386 --> 00:05:01,996 You know there was that whole, you know, relationship triangle shit. 99 00:05:02,040 --> 00:05:03,910 If you got a man or you got a woman, 100 00:05:03,955 --> 00:05:05,775 let somebody know. 'Cause some of y'all in here right now 101 00:05:05,827 --> 00:05:08,177 with somebody else's shit. 102 00:05:08,220 --> 00:05:11,750 And they come in here, they going to shoot everybody. [MIMICS GUNSHOTS] 103 00:05:11,789 --> 00:05:13,139 Where you at? 104 00:05:13,182 --> 00:05:14,442 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 105 00:05:14,488 --> 00:05:16,838 Let them know. Fellas, you know that. 106 00:05:16,881 --> 00:05:20,281 Ladies, let a brother know if you got somebody, say, "I want to give you this. 107 00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:22,230 "But I can't right now 'cause... 108 00:05:24,280 --> 00:05:27,020 "I got a man. He ain't shit. He ain't worth a shit. 109 00:05:27,065 --> 00:05:29,235 "You know, he don't work. He don't come home when he supposed to, 110 00:05:29,285 --> 00:05:32,195 "or anything like that and he don't respect me like he should, 111 00:05:32,244 --> 00:05:33,864 "and all that shit. But I love him. 112 00:05:33,898 --> 00:05:35,468 "He's my man. He's raggedy as a motherfucker, 113 00:05:35,509 --> 00:05:37,469 "but I love his raggedy ass." 114 00:05:37,511 --> 00:05:39,471 And you're like, "I want to give you this." 115 00:05:39,513 --> 00:05:41,173 [MAKES WHOOSHING NOISES] 116 00:05:44,300 --> 00:05:48,090 And fellas, you do the same thing with your trifling asses. 117 00:05:48,130 --> 00:05:51,260 And I'm with you 'cause I ain't worth a shit either. 118 00:05:51,307 --> 00:05:52,607 You know, I'll tell you in a minute. 119 00:05:52,656 --> 00:05:53,956 But fellas you tell, you know, ladies, 120 00:05:54,005 --> 00:05:56,565 "Hey, I want to give you this." 121 00:05:56,617 --> 00:05:58,137 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 122 00:05:58,183 --> 00:06:00,323 Well, some of y'all... [MAKES WHOOSHING NOISE] 123 00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:01,840 [AUDIENCE GROANS] 124 00:06:01,883 --> 00:06:03,493 [MAKES TWANGING NOISE] 125 00:06:06,844 --> 00:06:10,284 Like a doorstop and shit. [CONTINUES TWANGING NOISE] 126 00:06:10,326 --> 00:06:12,416 "I want to give you that, but I can't 'cause I got lady. 127 00:06:12,459 --> 00:06:14,849 "I don't know why she like me. I ain't shit. I ain't worth a damn. 128 00:06:14,896 --> 00:06:16,846 "But she loves me." And you let them know. 129 00:06:16,898 --> 00:06:18,988 That's what I'm saying. And ladies, say what's on your mind. 130 00:06:19,030 --> 00:06:20,640 Because you know, like when I want to get at a lady I'm straight, 131 00:06:20,684 --> 00:06:21,864 you know, straight forward. 132 00:06:21,903 --> 00:06:23,213 I don't be bullshitting around. 133 00:06:23,252 --> 00:06:25,172 You know, I'm like, "Hey I saw you. 134 00:06:25,210 --> 00:06:27,470 "You know, you was at the show. You was laughing and stuff, 135 00:06:27,517 --> 00:06:30,167 "and I just thought maybe you could come back to the hotel and shit, 136 00:06:30,215 --> 00:06:31,735 "and, uh, I could hit it." 137 00:06:43,838 --> 00:06:45,358 Okay. Fuck it. I was checking you out. 138 00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:46,875 You was laughing and shit. 139 00:06:46,928 --> 00:06:48,888 You know, I was just wondering if you would... 140 00:06:48,930 --> 00:06:51,500 You'll get one, you just... That's all you need, is one. 141 00:06:51,541 --> 00:06:53,541 Because I hate it when ladies do shit like this. 142 00:06:53,587 --> 00:06:55,937 When ladies... You try to get at them and the lady say, 143 00:06:55,980 --> 00:06:59,900 "Oh, I usually don't do this. 144 00:06:59,941 --> 00:07:02,471 "I'm serious. I usually don't do this. I am serious. 145 00:07:02,509 --> 00:07:04,029 "I usually don't do this. 146 00:07:04,075 --> 00:07:07,425 "I swear. I usually don't do this. I swear. 147 00:07:07,470 --> 00:07:08,820 "But it's something about you, Jamie. 148 00:07:08,863 --> 00:07:10,523 "You just so funny and everything, you know, 149 00:07:10,560 --> 00:07:12,690 "you just make me feel so comfortable." 150 00:07:12,736 --> 00:07:14,166 I be like, "Really? 151 00:07:14,216 --> 00:07:16,216 "Yeah, you want to go up to the room for a second?" 152 00:07:16,261 --> 00:07:18,611 [LAUGHS] "I don't be going up to nobody's..." 153 00:07:18,655 --> 00:07:20,045 [MAKES A CREAKING SOUND] 154 00:07:25,619 --> 00:07:28,399 "This is a nice room. 155 00:07:28,448 --> 00:07:30,448 "But I usually don't... You can ask Rachelle and them. 156 00:07:30,493 --> 00:07:32,193 "I don't be doing this. I swear to God. I don't be doing this. 157 00:07:32,234 --> 00:07:33,584 "But it's something about you, Jamie. 158 00:07:33,627 --> 00:07:35,627 "You just make me feel so comfortable." 159 00:07:35,672 --> 00:07:37,892 "Yeah, well you want something to drink or something, you know?" 160 00:07:37,935 --> 00:07:40,235 [LAUGHS] "I ain't had a drink in about..." [SLURPS] 161 00:07:40,285 --> 00:07:41,495 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 162 00:07:41,548 --> 00:07:43,718 [COUGHS] "Oh, is that Tanqueray?" 163 00:07:43,767 --> 00:07:44,767 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 164 00:07:46,509 --> 00:07:49,339 "Oh, that shit make me crazy. 165 00:07:49,381 --> 00:07:50,911 "I normally don't drink like this, Jamie, 166 00:07:50,948 --> 00:07:53,818 "but you make me feel so comfortable." 167 00:07:53,864 --> 00:07:56,304 "Yeah, well why don't you sit on the bed for a second, you know?" 168 00:07:56,345 --> 00:07:58,215 "On your bed? 169 00:07:58,260 --> 00:08:00,130 "I don't be sitting on nobody's bed and stuff, you know, 170 00:08:00,175 --> 00:08:02,345 "'cause I just usually don't do no shit like that." 171 00:08:02,394 --> 00:08:04,484 "You know, but it's, it's... Uh-oh. 172 00:08:05,572 --> 00:08:06,792 "Is this the Porta-Pedic? 173 00:08:08,966 --> 00:08:11,266 "I usually wouldn't sit down, but this is a Porta-Pedic 174 00:08:11,316 --> 00:08:14,096 "so I'll sit on this just 'cause it's a Porta-Pedic. 175 00:08:14,145 --> 00:08:15,965 "I ain't never sat on no Porta-Pedic, I swear. 176 00:08:16,017 --> 00:08:17,797 "But it's something about you, Jamie. 177 00:08:17,845 --> 00:08:19,885 "You just make me feel so..."AUDIENCE: Comfortable! 178 00:08:19,934 --> 00:08:22,374 "So I'm gonna sit right here. 179 00:08:22,414 --> 00:08:25,074 "But don't you be trying no bullshit. 180 00:08:25,113 --> 00:08:27,123 "I'm gonna sit right here on the edge. 181 00:08:27,158 --> 00:08:28,458 "Don't be tryin' to... 182 00:08:28,508 --> 00:08:30,418 "This is nice. 183 00:08:30,466 --> 00:08:31,856 "Porta-Pedic and stuff." 184 00:08:31,902 --> 00:08:34,432 "Yeah, you want me to rub your shoulders?" 185 00:08:34,470 --> 00:08:35,520 "I am kind of tight." 186 00:08:37,908 --> 00:08:39,518 "Not for long." "What you say?" 187 00:08:39,562 --> 00:08:41,352 "I said, don't get me wrong. Don't get me wrong. 188 00:08:44,045 --> 00:08:45,655 "But first you got to back up a little bit." 189 00:08:45,699 --> 00:08:46,999 "Back up?" 190 00:08:47,048 --> 00:08:49,698 "Yeah, back up to me." "Right here?" 191 00:08:49,746 --> 00:08:51,486 "Yeah, a little bit further." 192 00:08:51,531 --> 00:08:52,531 "Right here?" 193 00:08:53,533 --> 00:08:54,753 "Come on back a little bit." 194 00:08:54,795 --> 00:08:57,185 "Right here?" "Yeah." 195 00:08:57,232 --> 00:08:58,362 "Hey. 196 00:08:59,843 --> 00:09:01,803 "For real though... 197 00:09:03,412 --> 00:09:04,762 "Just rub my shoulders." 198 00:09:04,805 --> 00:09:06,545 "Ain't it kind of hot in here?" 199 00:09:06,589 --> 00:09:08,329 "It is kind of hot. I'm just going to take this top part off. 200 00:09:08,373 --> 00:09:11,253 "But you know, I usually don't do no shit like this, Jamie. 201 00:09:11,289 --> 00:09:12,729 "But I'm going to take this top part off. 202 00:09:12,769 --> 00:09:14,119 "But you mind your manners. I don't do this, 203 00:09:14,162 --> 00:09:16,122 "but you just make me feel so..." 204 00:09:16,164 --> 00:09:17,344 AUDIENCE: Comfortable. 205 00:09:17,382 --> 00:09:19,382 "So you watch out, now. 206 00:09:19,428 --> 00:09:21,598 "Ooh. Ouch. 207 00:09:21,648 --> 00:09:23,038 "Mmm, mmm-hmm. 208 00:09:24,259 --> 00:09:25,389 "Ooh. 209 00:09:26,566 --> 00:09:28,866 "Ooh, your hands so strong. 210 00:09:28,916 --> 00:09:31,956 "Ooh, they so strong. Your hands is strong. 211 00:09:32,006 --> 00:09:33,826 "Ooh, you got so much strength in your hands. 212 00:09:33,877 --> 00:09:36,357 "Ooh. Ooh. Uh-uh, Jamie, don't touch my titty, 213 00:09:36,401 --> 00:09:38,401 "you going to make me start doing something I don't want to do. 214 00:09:38,447 --> 00:09:40,277 "Now Jamie, you better stop that, Jamie. 215 00:09:40,318 --> 00:09:43,838 "You better stop..."[MUSIC PLAYING] 216 00:09:52,461 --> 00:09:53,461 [CHUCKLES] 217 00:10:01,557 --> 00:10:02,817 "Oh, shit." 218 00:10:04,429 --> 00:10:06,909 "I normally don't do this." 219 00:10:06,954 --> 00:10:09,784 "But you make me feel so..."AUDIENCE: Comfortable. 220 00:10:09,826 --> 00:10:12,656 Yeah. Y'all ready for some comedy? 221 00:10:12,699 --> 00:10:14,089 Give it up for Kid Capri. 222 00:10:15,266 --> 00:10:18,226 And give it up for homie, Affion. 223 00:10:18,269 --> 00:10:20,319 [HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING] 224 00:10:27,757 --> 00:10:30,407 Damn. Boy, I'll tell you, I love dancing. 225 00:10:31,369 --> 00:10:33,069 I'm going to tell you why. 226 00:10:33,110 --> 00:10:35,420 Dancing is powerful. 227 00:10:35,460 --> 00:10:37,380 Especially back in the day, 228 00:10:37,419 --> 00:10:41,639 in the '70s, if a brother could dance like John Travolta 229 00:10:41,684 --> 00:10:45,514 or Rerun from What's Happening!!, he could start up any party. 230 00:10:45,557 --> 00:10:47,387 He come in there like, 231 00:10:47,429 --> 00:10:50,349 "Oh, y'all just going to stand around? DJ." 232 00:10:52,695 --> 00:10:55,435 [HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING] 233 00:10:55,480 --> 00:10:57,400 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 234 00:11:14,369 --> 00:11:17,549 Now that brother will set that party off. 235 00:11:17,589 --> 00:11:19,329 He will have everybody in there dancing. 236 00:11:19,374 --> 00:11:21,684 The party be looking like the painting from Good Times. 237 00:11:30,602 --> 00:11:33,692 Oh, shit. That was back in the day 238 00:11:33,736 --> 00:11:34,996 when times were good. 239 00:11:35,825 --> 00:11:38,085 The bad thing was 240 00:11:38,132 --> 00:11:40,792 my family was broke as hell. 241 00:11:40,830 --> 00:11:42,790 Wrote a poem about it. Like to hear it? 242 00:11:42,832 --> 00:11:43,882 AUDIENCE: Yeah. 243 00:11:43,920 --> 00:11:44,970 Here it go. 244 00:11:47,097 --> 00:11:49,227 Damn, we broke than a son of a bitch. 245 00:11:51,711 --> 00:11:54,191 TV with no knobs, no color and no pitch. 246 00:11:55,715 --> 00:11:57,625 But a TV was the only thing we ever kept on 247 00:11:57,673 --> 00:12:01,243 because the stereo and speakers all had to be pawned. 248 00:12:01,285 --> 00:12:04,805 Now was I the only broke kid in the hood with no hype 249 00:12:04,854 --> 00:12:08,474 or was everyone frontin', wearing Adidas with four stripes? 250 00:12:15,735 --> 00:12:18,515 I'll tell you what. I watched so much TV 251 00:12:18,563 --> 00:12:20,783 I have bad dreams about it now. 252 00:12:20,827 --> 00:12:25,177 The other day I dreamed that I was joy-riding with Beavis and Butt-Head. 253 00:12:25,222 --> 00:12:27,832 I'm in the back seat, man. They up front like this, 254 00:12:27,877 --> 00:12:29,707 "Uh... [CHUCKLES] 255 00:12:29,749 --> 00:12:31,269 "Uh... [CHUCKLES] 256 00:12:31,315 --> 00:12:34,185 "Hey, Beavis, we're speeding." 257 00:12:34,231 --> 00:12:36,581 "Yeah, yeah, faster, Butt-Head. Faster." 258 00:12:36,625 --> 00:12:38,705 "Settle down, butt-munch. 259 00:12:38,758 --> 00:12:40,928 "I'll kick your ass. [CHUCKLES]" 260 00:12:42,022 --> 00:12:43,852 Oh, that ain't funny, 261 00:12:43,893 --> 00:12:45,423 because we got pulled by a cop. 262 00:12:45,460 --> 00:12:47,030 You know who the cop was? 263 00:12:47,070 --> 00:12:48,860 Bernie Mac. 264 00:12:48,898 --> 00:12:51,158 [AUDIENCE GROANS]Bernie gets out of the car like this. 265 00:12:51,205 --> 00:12:52,205 [MIMICS DOOR CLOSING] 266 00:12:53,468 --> 00:12:55,468 [AUDIENCE CHEERS] 267 00:12:58,690 --> 00:12:59,780 [IMITATING BERNIE MAC] "Thank you, God damn it. 268 00:13:02,694 --> 00:13:04,444 "Excuse me, fellas, 269 00:13:04,479 --> 00:13:06,569 "but do you recall how fast you were going?" 270 00:13:11,399 --> 00:13:13,839 "Uh, no. 271 00:13:13,880 --> 00:13:16,490 "But I'll bet you were going the same speed when you pulled us over." 272 00:13:19,537 --> 00:13:21,537 "I ain't scared of you motherfuckers. 273 00:13:25,892 --> 00:13:29,682 "I'm gonna tell you right now, I ain't come here for no foolishness. 274 00:13:29,721 --> 00:13:34,381 "Reggie, put a handcuff on them, we're taking them to jail. 275 00:13:34,422 --> 00:13:36,642 "Mac got a big jailhouse. Say it." 276 00:13:48,436 --> 00:13:52,956 The dream is not over, because we went to jail. 277 00:13:53,006 --> 00:13:55,616 But I went to the hospital the next day 278 00:13:55,660 --> 00:13:58,710 because my cellmate tried to burn me in my sleep. 279 00:13:58,750 --> 00:14:00,450 He was waiting on me, too. 280 00:14:00,491 --> 00:14:02,231 I went in there, man, and he was like this. 281 00:14:03,755 --> 00:14:05,665 "Everyone remain calm! 282 00:14:06,584 --> 00:14:09,204 "I am a fire marshal." 283 00:14:20,120 --> 00:14:22,080 That's my time. My name is Affion. 284 00:14:33,220 --> 00:14:35,700 All right. Yeah. Y'all ready for some comedy? 285 00:14:35,744 --> 00:14:37,704 AUDIENCE: Yeah.FOXX: All right. Let's give it up for this dude. 286 00:14:37,746 --> 00:14:39,136 He's coming out of Chicago, Illinois. 287 00:14:39,182 --> 00:14:41,662 Please welcome Corey Holcomb. 288 00:14:41,706 --> 00:14:43,706 [HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING] 289 00:14:45,710 --> 00:14:46,710 [INAUDIBLE EXCHANGE] 290 00:14:48,191 --> 00:14:49,931 What's up? Hey, what's up? 291 00:14:49,976 --> 00:14:51,926 I'm gonna hop right into it. 292 00:14:51,978 --> 00:14:53,938 I want to talk about something I know everybody can relate to. 293 00:14:53,980 --> 00:14:58,330 Anybody got like a cousin or a homie or a friend or a neighbor 294 00:14:58,375 --> 00:15:00,675 or somebody you know 295 00:15:00,725 --> 00:15:02,765 who keep a nasty-ass house? 296 00:15:02,814 --> 00:15:04,514 AUDIENCE: Yes. 297 00:15:04,555 --> 00:15:05,945 You know them motherfuckers house just be nasty 298 00:15:05,992 --> 00:15:08,432 every time you go up in that motherfucker? 299 00:15:08,472 --> 00:15:10,172 Some of y'all probably with their ass tonight, 300 00:15:10,213 --> 00:15:11,953 so you can't speak up like you want to. 301 00:15:14,043 --> 00:15:16,873 Man, I got a homie, man. My boy, man! 302 00:15:16,916 --> 00:15:20,046 Man, their house... First of all, he's a dirty motherfucker. 303 00:15:20,093 --> 00:15:21,663 You know the... Y'all remember them guys 304 00:15:21,703 --> 00:15:23,923 used to run around all week with that white T-shirt on? 305 00:15:23,966 --> 00:15:26,656 And they get that yellow stuff under the arm? 306 00:15:26,708 --> 00:15:28,358 Well, he had that on his leather jacket. 307 00:15:28,405 --> 00:15:30,185 [CHUCKLES][AUDIENCE GROANS] 308 00:15:30,233 --> 00:15:31,843 Dirty motherfucker. Damn. 309 00:15:31,887 --> 00:15:34,107 You know... You know... Run around, 310 00:15:34,150 --> 00:15:35,850 don't take baths... 311 00:15:35,891 --> 00:15:39,201 You ever see them people, wax be running all out their ear? 312 00:15:39,242 --> 00:15:42,032 Man, he had... Man, his ear... I ain't... Look, 313 00:15:42,071 --> 00:15:44,031 he had so much wax in his ear, 314 00:15:44,769 --> 00:15:46,899 if you had a Q-tip 315 00:15:46,946 --> 00:15:49,686 and dug it in his ear and pulled it out, 316 00:15:49,731 --> 00:15:51,081 you'll have a sugar daddy. 317 00:15:53,300 --> 00:15:55,430 And it... Man, just dirty. 318 00:15:55,476 --> 00:15:57,906 And their house, I don't even know where to begin talking about... 319 00:15:57,957 --> 00:15:59,517 House just nasty. 320 00:15:59,567 --> 00:16:01,917 Stink. 321 00:16:01,961 --> 00:16:04,051 Sort of smells like they was burning a chitlin incense up in that motherfucker. 322 00:16:08,793 --> 00:16:10,753 Just a nasty-ass... [LAUGHS] 323 00:16:10,795 --> 00:16:13,055 Dude, and they got... Y'all ever go up their house? 324 00:16:13,102 --> 00:16:14,932 Them people with them old, nasty apartments 325 00:16:14,974 --> 00:16:17,724 and they usually got one of them old bathrooms. 326 00:16:17,759 --> 00:16:21,279 You know you go up in there and the tub still be on four legs? 327 00:16:21,328 --> 00:16:24,068 You know, you could sweep under that motherfucker? 328 00:16:24,113 --> 00:16:27,203 And they got the old sink in there with the double faucet. 329 00:16:27,247 --> 00:16:30,377 You know where the hot water come out this side 330 00:16:30,424 --> 00:16:32,864 and the cold water come out this side. 331 00:16:32,904 --> 00:16:35,564 To keep from burning your hand, you got to switch your shit back? 332 00:16:35,603 --> 00:16:37,343 "Ahh! Ahh!" 333 00:16:40,477 --> 00:16:42,087 I'm gonna tell the ladies something. 334 00:16:42,131 --> 00:16:44,661 Ladies, I want to put y'all up on something about men. 335 00:16:44,699 --> 00:16:48,919 Did y'all know that every man in here could easily go three months without having sex? 336 00:16:48,964 --> 00:16:52,454 No. No. Let me tell y'all something y'all don't know. 337 00:16:52,489 --> 00:16:55,139 Every man got a woman on the side. 338 00:16:55,188 --> 00:16:57,058 I'm telling ya. I don't care who he is. 339 00:16:57,103 --> 00:16:59,243 Every man got a woman on the side. 340 00:16:59,279 --> 00:17:03,239 But don't get mad 'cause I ain't talking about, like, another female, 341 00:17:03,283 --> 00:17:05,113 I'm talking about that person, you know, fellas 342 00:17:05,154 --> 00:17:07,074 the one you messin' around with all the time? 343 00:17:07,896 --> 00:17:10,376 Her. 344 00:17:10,420 --> 00:17:13,640 I ain't going to front. This is my main squeeze. You know what I'm saying? 345 00:17:13,684 --> 00:17:16,434 Whenever my woman be, "Oh, all right. You don't want to give me none? 346 00:17:16,470 --> 00:17:19,910 "Fuck you, then. Put your coat on, baby. 347 00:17:19,951 --> 00:17:22,081 "We going to the Holiday Inn in this motherfucker." 348 00:17:23,520 --> 00:17:25,740 I like to... I like to ball up 349 00:17:25,783 --> 00:17:27,793 and draw that little face on her. 350 00:17:27,829 --> 00:17:29,789 [CHUCKLES] 351 00:17:29,831 --> 00:17:33,311 And talk a little shit to her before I get with her. 352 00:17:33,356 --> 00:17:35,396 [CHUCKLING] 353 00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:44,670 "Yeah. You want this dick, don't you?" 354 00:17:48,328 --> 00:17:50,158 "Me so horny." 355 00:17:51,505 --> 00:17:52,805 "All right girl, go to work." 356 00:17:53,376 --> 00:17:55,156 [LAUGHS] 357 00:17:56,075 --> 00:17:57,465 Whoo! 358 00:17:57,511 --> 00:17:59,171 "Hey, let me hit that shit from the back." 359 00:17:59,208 --> 00:18:00,688 [LAUGHS] 360 00:18:05,736 --> 00:18:07,126 Oh, man. 361 00:18:09,740 --> 00:18:10,960 I'm gonna wrap it up, though, man. 362 00:18:11,002 --> 00:18:13,532 I want to talk about something, man. Man. 363 00:18:13,570 --> 00:18:15,400 I went to this church, right? 364 00:18:15,442 --> 00:18:17,102 Man, it was this preacher. 365 00:18:17,139 --> 00:18:19,839 His name was Reverend Sleeparound. 366 00:18:19,881 --> 00:18:22,491 He was cold, though. Fellas, if you'd have been in his church, 367 00:18:22,536 --> 00:18:24,446 you'd have been jumping up and down in the aisles, 368 00:18:24,494 --> 00:18:26,764 'cause he talked about something that hit home with a lot of brothers. 369 00:18:26,801 --> 00:18:29,201 You know how he came out... You know how them Baptist preachers come out. 370 00:18:29,238 --> 00:18:31,368 He was like... 371 00:18:31,414 --> 00:18:35,384 ♪ Well, I want to talk to y'all this morning 372 00:18:36,680 --> 00:18:40,080 ♪ About a problem in my life. 373 00:18:40,119 --> 00:18:44,209 ♪ It's a problem that dwells with a lot of men 374 00:18:44,253 --> 00:18:45,953 ♪ Backstabs you like a knife 375 00:18:47,604 --> 00:18:49,874 ♪ Goes deep into your pocket books 376 00:18:50,912 --> 00:18:53,922 ♪ Puts you in a financial bind 377 00:18:53,958 --> 00:18:57,478 ♪ It's a problem that ain't never going nowhere 378 00:18:57,527 --> 00:19:00,527 ♪ It's with you for a lifetime 379 00:19:00,574 --> 00:19:04,674 ♪ I'm not talking about drugs and alcohol 380 00:19:04,708 --> 00:19:07,578 ♪ Compared, that's a light drama 381 00:19:07,624 --> 00:19:11,804 ♪ See, a man's biggest burden 382 00:19:11,846 --> 00:19:13,196 ♪ Is his baby's mama. 383 00:19:16,155 --> 00:19:17,585 ♪ Well... [LAUGHS] 384 00:19:19,810 --> 00:19:22,770 Hey, I'm Corey Holcomb from Chicago. 385 00:19:22,813 --> 00:19:25,563 Peace![HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING] 386 00:19:31,692 --> 00:19:32,952 Keep it going. Keep it going. 387 00:19:37,480 --> 00:19:39,920 Let's give it up. From Twin City, Georgia, 388 00:19:39,961 --> 00:19:41,961 let's give it up for this lady. 389 00:19:42,006 --> 00:19:43,436 Y'all ready for a female comedian? 390 00:19:43,486 --> 00:19:45,656 Come on, give it up for a female. 391 00:19:45,706 --> 00:19:46,876 Give it up for a female. 392 00:19:46,924 --> 00:19:49,284 Let's give it up for Barbara Carlyle. 393 00:19:49,318 --> 00:19:51,318 [HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING] 394 00:19:57,674 --> 00:19:59,984 All right. All right. 395 00:20:00,024 --> 00:20:03,644 Whoo, ain't it something about that music make you want to move your pelvis? 396 00:20:03,680 --> 00:20:06,810 Oh, don't y'all front. Y'all know y'all mamas dance like that and shit. 397 00:20:07,945 --> 00:20:09,075 Soon as they get drunk. 398 00:20:10,861 --> 00:20:13,471 Now, since I do a clean set, 399 00:20:13,516 --> 00:20:16,036 I know I got to do a few proverbial "Fuck you's" 400 00:20:16,084 --> 00:20:17,434 to make some of y'all feel at home. 401 00:20:18,826 --> 00:20:20,606 So fuck you. 402 00:20:22,438 --> 00:20:23,478 Fuck you. 403 00:20:24,353 --> 00:20:25,963 Fuck you. 404 00:20:26,007 --> 00:20:28,307 And you fuck me. [GRUNTS] 405 00:20:35,146 --> 00:20:37,706 Now, y'all all heard old-time bedtime stories. 406 00:20:37,758 --> 00:20:39,888 I'd like to give you the modern versions. 407 00:20:39,934 --> 00:20:43,114 Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods one day. 408 00:20:43,154 --> 00:20:44,944 Big Bad Wolf jumped out the bushes and said, 409 00:20:44,982 --> 00:20:47,072 "Little Red Riding Hood, 410 00:20:47,115 --> 00:20:49,245 "when I catch ya, I'm gonna throw you down and fuck you to death." 411 00:20:51,075 --> 00:20:53,595 Little Red Riding Hood said, "No, you ain't. 412 00:20:53,643 --> 00:20:55,253 "You gone eat me just like the book say." 413 00:21:07,570 --> 00:21:09,050 Now y'all know when they make the movie, 414 00:21:09,093 --> 00:21:11,573 I'm gonna play the part of Little Red Riding Hood. 415 00:21:11,618 --> 00:21:13,318 We ain't even got to go to Grandma's house. 416 00:21:13,359 --> 00:21:15,709 Do the shit right there in the forest. 417 00:21:15,752 --> 00:21:17,582 Ain't no use of wasting a whole day taping. 418 00:21:19,321 --> 00:21:22,501 And relationships are fucked up these days. 419 00:21:22,542 --> 00:21:25,112 And see, it's because of bad experiences 420 00:21:25,153 --> 00:21:26,983 that I don't suck dick no more. No, I don't. 421 00:21:27,982 --> 00:21:29,682 I gave it up. 422 00:21:29,723 --> 00:21:32,863 And this the second time I gave it up. 423 00:21:32,900 --> 00:21:36,690 Oh, I was sucking dick long before it became fashionable. 424 00:21:36,730 --> 00:21:40,120 Now everybody doing it. It's like a spectator sport. 425 00:21:40,168 --> 00:21:42,338 But I didn't give it up 'cause everybody was doing it. 426 00:21:42,388 --> 00:21:44,478 I had to give it up for medical reasons. 427 00:21:44,520 --> 00:21:46,310 Man had ate some seafood and didn't tell me. 428 00:21:47,262 --> 00:21:48,442 I'm allergic to seafood. 429 00:21:49,482 --> 00:21:51,352 They rushed me to the hospital, 430 00:21:51,397 --> 00:21:53,047 pumped my stomach. 431 00:21:53,094 --> 00:21:54,884 But you know you always go back to what you love. 432 00:21:55,662 --> 00:21:57,662 So I went back. 433 00:21:57,707 --> 00:22:00,447 And this time I had done a little bit of reading up on it. 434 00:22:00,493 --> 00:22:04,323 And in the book, it say you gotta be real freaky with it. 435 00:22:04,366 --> 00:22:06,796 So I'm going to reach down there and lick his balls. 436 00:22:09,110 --> 00:22:10,890 Goddamn dick stuck me dead in the eye. 437 00:22:12,983 --> 00:22:15,603 They rushed me to the hospital. 438 00:22:15,638 --> 00:22:17,948 Doctor say a few more inches it would have put my eye out. 439 00:22:19,033 --> 00:22:21,383 So now I'm stuck with a dilemma. 440 00:22:21,427 --> 00:22:23,387 Either keep on sucking dick 441 00:22:23,429 --> 00:22:25,209 or be cock-eyed the rest of my life. 442 00:22:27,563 --> 00:22:29,133 And ladies, you've got to be careful 443 00:22:29,173 --> 00:22:31,313 'cause you know how when you go to the hospital, 444 00:22:31,350 --> 00:22:34,610 they run all kind of tests on you just to run up a bill. 445 00:22:34,657 --> 00:22:37,697 I found out I'm suffering from lackofdickaphobia. 446 00:22:39,619 --> 00:22:44,619 Not only that, I've got a touch of pubosuckagitis. 447 00:22:44,667 --> 00:22:48,057 Now, for those of you who don't know what lackofdickaphobia is, 448 00:22:48,105 --> 00:22:52,455 that's the fear of not knowing when you going to get your next piece of good dick. 449 00:22:52,501 --> 00:22:57,771 And pubosuckagitis is the act of getting a pubic hair stuck in your throat. 450 00:22:57,811 --> 00:23:00,811 And a lot of you ladies might be walking around with it 451 00:23:00,857 --> 00:23:02,077 and don't know you got it. 452 00:23:03,817 --> 00:23:06,037 So I'm here to tell you the symptoms. 453 00:23:06,080 --> 00:23:07,210 You start sweating. 454 00:23:08,125 --> 00:23:10,165 You can't sleep at night. 455 00:23:10,214 --> 00:23:12,394 And you know how when people can't sleep at night, 456 00:23:12,434 --> 00:23:14,574 they count sheep jumping over the fence? 457 00:23:14,610 --> 00:23:17,790 All you see are dicks jumping over the fence. Jumping over the fence. 458 00:23:17,831 --> 00:23:19,531 Every time they jump, I try to catch them. 459 00:23:24,751 --> 00:23:27,011 But ladies, you gots to be careful, 460 00:23:27,057 --> 00:23:31,887 because you gots to know if it's real dick or dick byproducts. 461 00:23:31,932 --> 00:23:35,502 And the kind of woman I am, I wrote two books on the matter. 462 00:23:35,544 --> 00:23:36,724 My first book, 463 00:23:39,505 --> 00:23:42,065 Maybe Dick, I Don't Know. 464 00:23:43,422 --> 00:23:45,342 This book will let you know. 465 00:23:45,380 --> 00:23:47,860 And my second book, soon to be a movie, 466 00:23:50,516 --> 00:23:53,516 Short Dick Men... Are They Taking Over? 467 00:24:00,569 --> 00:24:03,179 Men claim they know when a woman's faking a orgasm. 468 00:24:03,224 --> 00:24:05,234 I know that ain't true 'cause I don't even know no more. 469 00:24:06,401 --> 00:24:08,711 I had this one guy ask me, 470 00:24:08,751 --> 00:24:12,191 "Why come you don't tell me when you have a orgasm?" 471 00:24:12,233 --> 00:24:14,193 I said, "Hell, you ain't never around." 472 00:24:23,940 --> 00:24:25,860 What am I supposed to do? 473 00:24:25,899 --> 00:24:28,469 Get up and call your ass? 474 00:24:28,510 --> 00:24:31,380 And men got the smoothest-ass lines in the world. 475 00:24:31,426 --> 00:24:33,646 He's going to look at me talking about, "Barbara, 476 00:24:33,689 --> 00:24:36,339 "you know there's an art to lovemaking." 477 00:24:36,387 --> 00:24:37,997 I said, "Oh, yeah? 478 00:24:38,041 --> 00:24:40,831 "Well, I wish somebody would draw you a bigger dick." 479 00:24:40,870 --> 00:24:43,740 My name is Barbara Carlyle. You've been a great audience. Thank you very much. 480 00:24:52,142 --> 00:24:55,062 Give it up for Barbara. 481 00:24:55,102 --> 00:24:56,842 Man, come on, give her some more love. 482 00:24:56,886 --> 00:24:58,976 Man. Damn. Look at the women. 483 00:25:02,718 --> 00:25:04,758 We're going to bring out the man that makes this all possible. 484 00:25:04,807 --> 00:25:08,247 Let's bring out Russell Simmons. Come on. Bring it. Come on. 485 00:25:10,596 --> 00:25:11,546 Yeah. 486 00:25:16,558 --> 00:25:19,388 Thank y'all for coming out. God bless you. Good night. 487 00:25:19,430 --> 00:25:21,430 [THEME MUSIC PLAYING] 488 00:25:21,480 --> 00:25:26,030 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 37890

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